#but i am feeling incredibly mentally ill | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fella-lovin-fella · 2 months ago

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Google search how to not have a bpd meltdown if you have bpd

#I'm trying to regulate sooooo hard #but i am feeling incredibly mentally ill #i dont want to blow up on him #so im using the ✨stop skill✨#and sitting on the floor away from the problem #it works right until i have to go back and it just triggers immediately #unwell #not mlm #dantes talking again #bod

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ganondoodle · 2 months ago

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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #ganondoodles rants #sorta #suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw #theres some construction stuff on our house going on #and my father is extremely stressed about it #he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed #my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi #to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself #which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee #and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her #to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life #BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her #without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears #and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains #but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being #always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold #but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings

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simplydnp · 4 months ago

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your last post is so parasocial but why did I get it immediately

you're gonna have to be specific but also no need because all my posts about dnp are parasocial 😔

#look i am incredibly aware of it.#but its also not a stretch to say dnp are the only source of joy i have had since becoming ill #so like. i lean into it bc its important to feel joy #and seeing joy. from dnp in this case. is important to mental wellbeing #so dont worry im extremely aware but also. it's good for me.#dnp #c.text #dan and phil #phan #answered

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higgs-the-god · 2 months ago

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mmmmm

#art #more ideas for this au....#i could combine the little that this is w the au i Want to make next. where gordon is just so incredibly mentally ill after the rescas #really a true Everything Is Bad au #once again making benrey feel emotions. who AM i #benrey #gordon feetman #tommy coolatta #this is the absolute bare bones of an au btw theres really nothing yet LOL. still too big on felvins au dfgsdgf

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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago

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love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school #because i cant kick my parents out #and appartments cost money #and i dont have a car to sleep in #i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult #anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ?????#find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships #all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options:#to become an academic #or to become a freelancer #i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit)#i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently #but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh...#two summers ago #incredibly good for my mental health as you can see #god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases #but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out #several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just #am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes.#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me #on top of being unpleasant?#FUCK NO #i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager #now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education #and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously #perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money #broadcasting my misery #vent

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the-moogle-of-your-nightmares · 1 month ago

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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

#moogletalks #in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things #and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life #instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis #but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were #and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival #instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now #the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community #if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people #their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special #and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality #anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol #ableism cw #internalized ableism cw #pluralitag #traumatag #adventures in mental illness #disabilitag

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tovarishch-dyke · 1 year ago

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I’m like Johnny Truant in the tags of every goddamn post I make or reblog on this site and I’m not apologizing. If you want me to apologize come over to my house and you can talk to the minotaur about it

#House of leaves #im literally going insane these days I should go back to journaling but I��m also afraid of how far off the deep end I’ll go #Literally I am losing it and I’m being serious #I’m so fucking tired of being lonely and being left out and not being able to make connections #Sometimes I feel as if im doing things without realizing and no one is telling me about it #Other times it feels like I must have something incredibly wrong with my face or body and no one will say anything #People make plans and don’t bother to ask me if I want to join and then when I find out there’s a group chat that all my friends are in #Except me and when I asked if I could join I was given a bunch of reasons that were frankly bullshit why I couldn’t join #Are they talking shit about me? I know everybody there it’s not like I am a stranger #Am I just a stranger in this world as I unllikeable? I try my best to be nice and charitable but what am I missing?#Do I black out and say things and do things? Am I more mentally ill than I know?#The only reason (or one of the very few) why I stay alive is because of my horses because I know they would miss me and I already feel bad #Not seeing them everyday #I’m tired of being the odd one out I’m tired of being entertaining when necessary #I don’t want my only friends to be horses because it further alienates me from the rest of society and I just want to be accepted I’m not #Looking to fit in I just want connection and friendship and I can barely seem to manage that #Maybe I’m just not worth it.

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edge-oftheworld · 2 months ago

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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.

but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.

and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’

#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know #just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it #like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about #I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways #and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is #sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion #or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why #but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther #and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too #idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked #on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better #healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like #when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster #this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt #I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits #pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with #sometimes I just think of this idk #celebrities are people #5 seconds of summer #5sos #5sos fandom #cw mental health things

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depresseddepot · 22 days ago

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going to be absolutely haunted by every heart a doorway by seanan mcguire for the rest of my life i think

#shaking you and shaking you #where's my door? can you hear me? do you understand what I'm saying? where is my fucking door #i will never be the same again (positive) but also i will never be the same again (negative)#the way the 12 year old clawed out of me at the idea of wonderland/different worlds/secret doors being real all along #makes me think that hmm maybe i didn't actually come to terms with feeling like i didn't belong ! maybe instead i repressed it !#if i had been in even a SLIGHTLY worse mental state rn that book would have destroyed me. sent me over the edge i think #i didn't even realize how intense it was. christ how did i repress all that lol #WHERE IS MY DOOR #where is MY home !!!! this surely can't be it !!!!#anyway. if i think too deeply about this it makes me feel like i need to grieve #so i wont think about it ! xoxo #ANYWAY phenomenal book. couldn't put it down. the ace rep was unexpected but nice #will now be reading everything published by seanan mcguire thank yew #its one of my favorite books now but like. i also wish i had never read it. yknow??#incredible work of art and i loved every second of reading it #but now im alone in this dark room with the voice in the back of my head that tells me that there are special things in this world #and that i was not/am not good enough for a single one of them #and its getting louder !!!!#well. guess ill just go to work tomorrow #fucking christ

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sassmill · 1 month ago

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Should I force myself to talk to women on hinge

#I do not want to #but I am also actively trying to overwrite unrequited attraction that is actually making me ill #so like. idk.#would that count as exposure therapy in this context?#I was introduced to the concept of limerence and I feel a lot more normal about it #not in the sense of ‘I am okay now’#but in the sense of ‘this is a shared and recognized phenomenon that acknowledges the compulsive nature of it #and suggests that it may come from a similar neurological place/process/imbalance as OCD #so instead of well meaning people who don’t grasp how overwhelming these feelings are telling me to just try to date other people #I at least have the validation of ‘you are not crazy because other people have experienced this kind of debilitating intensity too’#and the suggestions for coping with and overcoming limerence include CBT/DBT #which is a lot more structured and helpful than my friends giving me well intentioned advice for something they don’t really understand #like I cannot tell you how much relief this has brought me #I don’t just have a crush on a straight woman and can’t get over it i literally have these non stop intrusive thoughts about her #coupled with the constant mental noise of i know she isn’t interested and i need to be respectful and maintain boundaries #it has literally made me feel like I’m losing my mind or some kind of stalker #but a mental stalker #anyway it has been incredibly unpleasant and upsetting and now I’m focusing on consciously stopping and countering those thoughts #and approaching it the same way as my other intrusive thoughts #also note: I tried to make an appointment with my therapist but she is overbooked and if this does not yield change I might spiral again

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dandyshucks · 8 months ago

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yall this old lady craft group is the best thing ever and i want to cry thinking abt how grateful i am to have it fjfkdl i think this might be the one group that i feel wholly welcomed into and actually a real part of for the first time in my life ;-; ♡

the group leader always seems to want me to sit next to her and her daughter is always interested in seeing what im working on when she comes at the end and she also tells me abt different crochet patterns she's seen on fb marketplace or she brings in old patterns for me to look through and take what i want, and then the card maker lady is offering to give me this big old crocheted clown doll that her mum made her years ago and she immediately offered to give me a ride home without me even saying anything (so that i wouldnt have to try take it home on the bus fjdkdl), and they were all super excited for me when i told them I was able to fix my accordion, and they just... treat me like an equal and a human person and fjdksl man ... it's so nice

AND IM JUST 😭💗 about it all !!!! it all feels so foreign to me !!!! i do not know when I've ever felt so fully part of a group and an equal to everyone there !!!

#and theyre always so happy to see me when i arrive fjfkdl #I've had coworkers be happy to see me but thats always been bc i was like... useful and made them feel good LMAO #its so easy to have coworkers enjoy ur presence if u do ur job well and compliment them when they do things well #or even just like. hey i like ur shoes. just simple things go a long way #so ppl have been happy to see me in the past but its only been bc i was useful to them ;-;#BUT THIS !!! this is just me being part of a group !!! i am an equal !!! its such a wild feeling !!!#im like... a full person !! its crazy !!#now granted. idk if they'd treat me the same if they knew that im queer and like. very mentally ill but DHDJDLL #thats okay idk i can live with not sharing those aspect of me bc it doesnt feel important in that setting #AUGGHHH it is just such a good feeling idk fjfldl i wish i could express it better #when u have been lesser ur entire life it is so incredible and wonderful to be treated as an equal #i did not realize how EASY it could be to socialize and feel safe with ppl if they'd just ... treat u like a human and an equal #like idk if I've ever felt so safe in my life around other ppl before fjfkdl this is crazy #ANYWAYS IM GETTING TOO DEEP ABT IT MAYBE SORRY FJFKDL im just soooo in awe that i get to experience this #and i wanted to share this bit of joy djfkdld #dandy.cmd

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rosicheeks · 3 months ago

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I get mad about Fb posts too!! I struggle with being jealous of others and it makes me hate myself. I wish I wasn't like this lol

I relate to this so much omg