#but god i want to scratch so bad
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currently at the itching phase of piercing healing and it is driving me nuts 😭
#glad its healing and not like. infected#but god i want to scratch so bad#thank goodness i have a pupper to pet instead lol#rolo rambles
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okay, but, like, THAT'S how you do a villain story. in the FIRST scene, you watch him shoot a man in cold blood. the show tells you right away "this man is not a good man".
but then it gets you to sympathize - look at how much the world has stepped on him. look at how terrible the whole of gotham is. and even when he kills more people, does more terrible things, you still root for him. because it's fun to watch someone be terrible to terrible people. you root for sofia too, because if anyone deserves revenge its her, but you're rooting for both of them somehow.
and then the show tells you "when he was a boy he killed his brothers". but even still, you want to see what he'll do. the show is called the penguin, you want to see the penguin rise. when he lets his mother's finger almost get cut off, you pity him. he's a sad, broken thing. how could he be anything but bad? but he loves, so there must be something else there.
but then. but THEN
the show always told you: "this is the devil". but you thought, maybe the devil can make hell a little more bearable for some people. the devil is so often nuanced, sympathetic, complex. maybe he's like that.
you're wrong. there's nothing good within him and YOU rooted for him to succeed. you wanted to watch the destruction. and now you have to live with the consequences of thinking, even for a second, that he could be redeemed.
#lauren feels things#penguin spoilers#the penguin#the penguin spoilers#network execs are always talking about how they want something#'surprising but inevitable'#which is NOTHING that's a nothing phrase#eXCEPT THIS WAS EXACTLY THAT#don't even get me started on everything else#the performances the COSTUMES!!!#the story they told with sofia's costumes!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but god#the thing that got me so good#was seeing the scratches on oz's hands as he strangled vic#just like carmine and sofia's mom#i hope sofia murders oz so bad#oh and DEF don't get me started on the POWER DYNAMICS#the conversation the show was having about power#and being a woman and being a man and being rich and being poor and being white and being disabled#and how the systems of power and oppression are not at all neat#oz is a white man born poor with a disability#but he ultimately has more privilege than sofia#sofia was born on third base and inherited her kingdom but is still a woman they called crazy#who went down for a man's crime#oz is STILL right when he calls her out for her relative privilege#they both have more power over the other depending on circumstance#and then VIC#poor non-white disabled#he gets crushed under everyone#and yet has the power of LABOR ORGANIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#love and deepspace#rafayel#lads#lnds#lnds rafayel#crying so bad#did you hear him PURR#oh god i want him so BAD#the way he nuzzled in mc‘s chest??????????#oh and the way he just loved being scratched#PLS I WANT HIM SO BAD#im going through it fr#the pics are just my live reactions#god catboy rafayel is doing Something to me#he has released something in Me#that sounds different#but GOD I WANT HIM#i never knew i would go crazy over catboy rafayel#no caption bc the pics are self explanatory
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I'm catching up on the last 4 episodes of HOTE (I am always waiting for @isaksbestpillow's subs 'cause this story is too precious to have it be misinterpreted by bad Gaga subtitles).
I am so fascinated by both of the characters. They're so traumatized and yet there's this hint of hope that can be built upon. They're trying to find something healthy among all the cruelty of their life. Their relationship is at times incredibly toxic and yet it is the best thing that happened to either of them. They're so desperately trying to cling to the bit of good that's there. I do not know whether it will end well but I am fascinated by the characters and the story being constructed here.
#happy of the end#hana's random text posts#I actually love when you have characters/relationships#that exist outside of the good/bad healthy/unhealthy#we are humans and are complex#and maybe instead of labeling and disregarding things as simply toxic#we should examine as to why that is and where it comes from#also can we talk about the boat scene 'cause that whiplash was so good#a gentle kiss followed by a I want to die followed by an Oh#that's just such a... such a good character moment#and so so real#i literally screamed at my television about how good that moment was#and then obviously at the entire underpass scene#god this show just scratches that itch of good complex characters so well
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i hate to break it to you, millennials, but gen z does, in fact, know what dvds and cds are. we grew up with them. we grew up with a lot of stuff y'all obsess over, actually. not my fault all the tech companies collectively decided to get rid of dvd players
#you're not an elder you're 30#ALSO: WE KNOW WHAT LANDLINES ARE#I USED TO USE THEM TO TALK W MY FRIENDS BEFORE I GOT CELL SERVICE#BUT PAYING FOR A LANDLINE IS EXPENSIVE NOWADAYS SO THERES NO POINT#sorry but i just saw an article about millennials crying over how gen z apparently think dvds are useless#i mourn the loss of dvd movie home screens everyday#BRING BACK DVD PLAYERS PLEASE I LOVE PHYSICAL MEDIA!!!!#but like..make dvds scratch resistant. please. all of my old dvds are so scratched up and it makes me sad#omg i just remembered that my mom used to have a bunch of cds BACK WHEN CARS STILL HAD CD PLAYERS#tangled 2010 soundtrack cd ❤️#i used to jam out to my kidz bop cd on my huge cd player#ummm what else#unrelated but i used to be so jealous of my friend's mp3 player#also was super jealous of my friend's flip phone#i wanted one sooo bad. more than i wanted an iphone bc i thought flip phones were COOL#i had an ipod#not one of those stupid mini phones but like an actual ipod music player#i had 1989 by taylor swift on it#god i miss my ipod#I MISS WHEN PHONES HAD HEADPHONE JACKS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE#the only reason i regret upgrading my phone 💔#kez.txt
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getting into a new fandom is waaayyy scarier than it used to be tbh. in my most recent fandom before sp (which im still mostly in, my hyper fixations have just shifted around) i made a lot of dark content, and got messages accusing me of crimes and trying to guess what type of abuse i'd been through over it. can't remember if i personally got suicide bait and/or threats to my well-being, but i saw mutuals get them and that sort of stuff genuinely scares me. i also just have anxiety in general so that doesn't help lol. idk, shit feels so hostile, especially if you aren't interested in keeping up with whatever rules that cyberbully circles make up.
#new kid noises#sorry ive just been in a weird mood tonight#i used to be rlly into sp back in highschool but felt bad about getting involved in fandom bc it was for adults#but now i feel bad about getting involved in sp fandom as an adult bc it feels like theres so many kids?#and i dont understand trying to censor myself in the show all about gross shit#cartman has a sex scene w his cupidsona in txc but god forbid you make something inappropriate in fan content??#the kids have been in plenty of inappropriate/violent/sexual situations in the actual show!!#why am i supposed to feel guilty for imagining bad things happening to them? they aren't real in the first place...#sorry for being all serious#kinda just wanted to get it out of my system#in my other fandom ive managed to build up a niche that i know wont harass me so it's a bit scary starting from scratch#i wanna make friends but past experiences make me too afraid to let my guard down for even a moment#i also just dont know what the current sp fandom is like that well#most sp blogs i follow are from way back when i was first into sp as a teenager#...so most are abandoned#im rambling. lol.
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God, "I missed you" sex is the best
#eep.txt#as soon as we were alone he kissed me hard and just couldn't get close enough#we went to his room and he immediately attacked my neck i don't think i've ever had so many hickeys at once#he kept grinding for so long against me on his lap 😵💫 i was very desperate for more but he just wanted so feel my skin against his#he was sososo cute with his messy hair and the way he kept saying i love you!#i could see myself in the mirror in front of his bed i didn't think i was this fucked out lmao#maybe the first time i moaned this loud and talked this much too#usually i have to keep quiet even though it's hard cuz there's other people but it was so nice having him aaalll to myself#when he finally put his fingers in it felt like heaven i'd been so long#and same he just kept going so deep and so fast my god he said he liked hearing me again#i had to stop him cause i was getting really overstimulated but it was so good#i'm pretty sure it's the first time i've actually like moaned his name without meaning to do it#apparently i didn't realise i was babbling and scratching his back so hard#god i love being a power bottom and calling him cute or my sweet boy and getting him desperate but...#when he goes feral like that after not seeing me for a while? it's the best. i'm so lucky to have such a service top#so happy to be with him again#after we cuddled and we showered and we cooked and then watched videos and then talked and laughed#i'm so happy right now to even see him sleeping next to me :]#sorry i meant to do a sexy post but i guess this is more positive venting i'll make a proper one later#still new to this writing thing i'm probably very bad at it but it's nice to have a place to write down my memories and experiences
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holding a mic up to marco sturm hey . hhey. are you trying to turn jams into a centerman ? <3
is that what all that shit before was about. making him take draws .
#LISTED AS 4C?#interesting how his line was one of the most impactful lines today……….#oh please i hope this becomes a thing i really hope it becomes a thing#clawing and scratching at the doors of flohockey. i want to review the tape so bad. oh my god#lak lb#reign lb#aatu jämsen
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me: ok let’s divide the work you do the thiosulfate dilution and I’ll do the peroxydisulfate
lab partner: ok
(A bit later)
Lab partner, while stirring his dilution and having added the sample: hey it was Xg of S2O8 right
Me: yeah but I’ve already done it
him: yeah yeah I’ve already done it
me, who is already doing the next half of the experiment while he does whatever: what do you mean you’ve already done it
Him: yeah yeah it’s done
Me: you did the thiosulfate one right
Him (growing visibly annoyed): yeah I told you
Me: the S2O8? That’s the one you used?
Him: yeah
Me: that’s not the one you had to use
Him, snapping his fingers: relax, calm down, I did it right, let’s keep going
Me: but did you, or did you not use S2O8
Him: yeah stop nagging god, I didn’t fuck up
Me (strangling him in my head): THATS NOT THE ONE YOU WERE MEANT TO USE. YOU WERE IN CHARGE OF THE OTHER ONE. THE SODIUM ONE. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLRM
#chia’s life#HE WASTED HALF OF OUR FUCKING SAMPLE#WE HAD TO LEAVE AN HOUR LATER THAN MOST#FUCK YOU FUCJ YOU FUCK YOU#I HATE MEN#ANY TIME YOU PAIR UP WITH THEM ON LAB PROCEDURES THEY TAKE ANY CHECK UP AS NAGGING#OR GOD FORBID#YOU BEING TOO AGGRESSIVE#It’s the being impossible to even consider that you were wrong for me#oh and don’t think he apologized— he didn’t#in fact he got angry WITH ME#decided to do NOTHING since “I want to micromanage so bad”#AND I HAD TO DO EVERYTHING FROM SCRATCH BY MYSELF#FUCK YOU MAN AND FUCK YOUR CONDESCENSION
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I forgot how much having a cat was about getting into ten thousand tiny little arguments a day where they do their best to die via unnatural means (poison, electric shock, etc) and you're just like. excuse me. excuse me. please do not??
and then they run around the house a bunch and bite you bite you bite you
#personal#if someone had posted this I would have been like 'oh it sounds like she wants to play!' yeah it does doesn't it#only except for how in the last 24 hrs I was trying to get in some play session time because I was worried about her mental health#but no she said she's old and has bad joints and didn't want to tolerate my tomfoolery#it's only the past. thirty minutes?? that she almost died like four different ways#thank god she has her little window to stare out of#I have a moment of peace to write this post#and now I can't rest easy since I know she's awake and alert and stuff#she also almost scared me half to death because she wasn't eating full meals for like a week. full hunger strike right in my kitchen#so I fed her the yummy smelling (lol no) regular wet food#and she loved it! and then puked. and then . . . kept eating regular meals?#and I wake up today and GUESS WHAT#begging pleading for food like she hadn't eaten in ten thousand years#chewing on scraps from her cardboard scratching post like a miserable orphan#so I fed her the food she hates so much she stopped eating in addition to her regular meals#and she ate half of it#and then chewed on my headphone wires too#cats man#why are they like this
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> You are encased in the cement that is those you love who love you.
> It protects you. Makes you beautiful. It will immortalize you.
> Your legs are restless.
> You're going to have to move, sooner or later.
> The sun will blind you, at first. The wind will feel like razors against your skin for a time.
> Do you think it'll be worth it?
> Who would choose to become human, over art?
> There will be times where your once graceful shoulders will hunch in pain. Your formerly serene face crumpled in ugly anger.
> You will be so scared to turn around and see the wreckage. Chunks of cement and dust are all that will be left of the statue you used to be.
> Aren't you scared?
#whoah personal#poetry#i guess but also oh god this sucks#idk. im just thinking about who i want to be#and how that'll mean taking a sledgehammer to the person i used to be#and I'm scared that whatever is left after that destruction won't be worth it#that I'll be so much smaller and more twisted than I was before#and I'm also scared that the people who lean on me as i am now will topple and break if i change#what if i look too different underneath. what if it hurts them. what if they leave#destroying a person who based thenself off of the love others gave them is gonna mean rejecting the love i took#all for what? to become something else? to change in ways I can't prepare for yet?#or what if the people who love me are hurt in the aftermath?#i love them too. it's just im always scared that love isn't enough on its own#i cant just be someone who loves them. i need to be someone they love too. someone they need#god who even am i#i dont know who i would choose to be if i ran away tomorrow#thats why i wrote this. i want to run away and start it all from scratch#but im scared to run away. i know itll hurt. would it be good or bad?#this poem is inaccurate because it paints their love as smothering. its not. i smother myself and i dont know why#but its warm and nice and safe#this is also sort of about being trans but thats like. not even half of what this crisis is about#its not enough to just be a daughter. you cant just be a daughter or an older sister or a friend your whole life.#that cant be all of who and what you are. you have to be you above all else and thats fucking terrifying#idk. anyways iput sparkly license plate covers on my work vans 2 months ago and if my bosses find out I'll get yelled at#so i'm going to go take those off now. bye
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I always forget how people back in the olde days used to just die so easily from the flu, until I get the flu myself dhhdhdhf because on one hand I know our medicine is just soo much better now a days but on the other hand I have the immune system of a dead man and once I get sick I'm like the ye olde victorian child on a death bed dhdhdhhd it's been 4 days and I just NOW can get on my phone to watch videos and text, and eat and drink water, and coherently string words together and do more than just lay in bed and moan in pain, and sweat and cough in sick delirium 😭
#im being so deadass#i only slept once between just staring at whatever i was hallucinating on the ceiling and that was last night#and i dreamt that i was eating glass#i know its because ive hurt my stomach and ribs from so much coughing because i can barely talk#at least in my dream i was picky about the glass i was eating LMAOOO i was like NO I WANT THE BUBBLE AMBER DRINKING GLASS NOM NOM#and raided a flea market just to find it and eat it#i dont fucking know#i finally ate some chicken noodle soup and apple sauce too and ive finally had some wonderful and amazing water#i swear i never enjoyed it more in my LIFE#i hate being sick because i get so sick so easily and soo soo so bad#fucking rough man#i had no idea it was Saturday until i just checked#fucking was Tuesday last I remembered god damnit#also its really scary looking in the mirror because I dont look well or look like myself right now#body image warning#but my face looks so hallow and dark and scratched up because apparently I either was scratching in my sleep or something happened#and I'm soo much thinner than the last time I looked in a mirror and got out of bed like 4 days ago#my beard is big and shaggy and i need to shave but i really really don't look good and its hard to do any self care#when you go from looking healthy and glowy to pale and dark and thin in just a couple days#like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that#im caught in a state of#this isn't reality#which i know isnt safe or good but ill be okay because i know im just in shock and that i cant push myself through it#especially in this weakened state#i just need to take it slow and steady#drink my water stay in my blanket and eat what i can and take my meds and thank FUCK I came through the fog and rest
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It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...
#AND then they'll be the winning team or whatever and its like... wow... imagine that... I wonder how its possible that they can get#more dishes out faster than the other teams... hrrmm.... lol#Not that they aren't still doing work like. obviously it's still hard and there's still a sales component and other stuff to be done#but It's just kind of unbalanced seeming when one group is serving like grilled shrimp sandwich with 3 homemade sauces and a#slaw and two sides and the other people are like... slicing fruit and drizzling a bottle of hersheys chocolate syrup on top of some thing#they just threw in a waffle maker for a few minutes#You see the footage of the teams cooking and everyone is like prepping a ton of different things and meat and vegetables and they have#boiling pots and pans and fryers going and tossing stuff in bowls and compiling these multi component dishes#and then That One Team is always just casually slicing bananas or doing some whipped cream in a bowl gbjhbhj#They usually dont even make their own caramel or chocolate sauces or anything. Nutella out of a jar babey!#So all you're really Making is like... whipped cream. and some sort of batter (waffle. crepe. etc)#If I got placed in a competition like that and I found out one of my opponents just sold waffles or pancake sticks or etc#like that I would just be like... okay.. I'm out then. bye. OR I would pivot and be like.. right I shall remove all complexity from my menu#whatsoever and just start selling plain balls of fried dough with powdered sugar or plain fries with nothing on them or something lol#update: OH my god.. one of these teams on a newer season is selling a 'bonus add on' where you can add#cinnamon sugar and caramel syrup (possibly not even home made by them???? just from a bottle) for $5 extra on your order#If I bought a $12 waffle from a food truck and they were like 'hey do you want to upgrade? for only $5 we'll drizzle a teaspoon#of caramel and sprinkle a little sugar and cinnamon on there!' I feel like I would cancel my order and walk away.#that is a $1 add on at MOST.. for a freaking DRIZZLE of caramel sauce LOL#and of course this team is in the top 3... squirrel.... come ON...#Which I know all these shows are fake and bad and whatever. I dont watch them seriously. I think I liked the first few seasons#but then anything past like season 4 (or whenever they started having established people who already ran food trucks on there#instead of taking a bunch of peope who had never run a food truck before and giving them one - which is a much more equal footing#premise to me) I have just been increasingly annoyed at and I really just have the show on for background noise#whilst doing chores or something and am not genuinely paying that much attention but... my god.. At least try to pretend its fair lol#WHICH I KNOWW... you can say 'well the other teams could do similar if they wanted.' or blah blah. tehcnically it's THEIR choice to#make stuff from scratch and not sell a bunch of packaged frozen chicken wings dropped into a fryer over a shitty 6min waffle or etc.#but... I will never respect a $5 for 1tbsp of caramel sauce type of situation.. even if they win.. you will always be losers in my heart#So many teams with real cooking skill & good concepts go home to the 'slap nutella on fried dough' people... how...
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fuckkkk
#this morning i was thinking about how this was the first birthday ive had in 4 years without crying#and i jinxed myself so fucking bad god#my mom came home with red bean buns as a late birthday gift and my dad freaked out#and said that im not allowed to eat asian food because its haram and disgusting and#he said that if i wanted to eat it he wouldnt give a fuck if i died and how the fuck am i supposed to respond to that#who says that to their kid?? its not even the first time either#he spent almost an hour berrating me and of course my mom joined in and they got even more angry when i teared up a bit#so now im stuck hiding in the bathroom so i dont have to talk to them but my head hurts sofucking bad and my arms sting from scratching thrm#ggod i want them dead so fucking badly sometimes#finn.txt
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i still have yet to see the new hbomb but for anyone who's watched it now and wants more this is not the first time he's covered this kind of thing, "here's three stories about youtube plagiarism" is from 6 years ago on the same subject and is still very good
#and also im realizing from what ive had spoiled sounds like he used as the blueprint for this one#i.e. 'two seemingly random examples to give you a false sense of security then a surprise important third thats the secret real subject#of the video and the rest was simply getting you in the mood so to speak'#also for anyone wanting to see him talk more about being Not Straight: his video on the outsiders is very good even#if you like me have not seen it or read any lovecraft#oh my god wait what if he wanted to make a plagiarism joke but wouldve felt too bad doing it to someone else so he just.#''plagiarized'' his own video💀💀#cause i remember in the three stories one he talked about literally wanting to do that like copy someone else's format as a joke#(then immediately fess up and go 'see that sucks' dw) but ended up not bc he felt like even as an obvious joke that was a shitty thing to#do to someone else#im just saying he had both motive and means#im gonna have to rewatch the three youtube stories one right before i watch the new one to make sure its fresh in my#mind and compare because if he did that would be THE funniest possible way to scratch that itch
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ah i see. only rich and popular people make it to where they wanna go. i get it now
#just sitting here not even feeling that bad and my mind is instantly#telling me Do It. take the pills scratch yourself do anything that will peave a mark because thats the only way you#know how to let pwople know youre struggling brcause youre the worst at asking for things like comfort and friendship bc u dont deserve it#for real man im having to start to set reminders to remind me to actually eat because every day is just so blank that i just sit theough it#and honest to god forget to eat. at all. and its being interpreted as 'wanting to lose weight' when its actually the fact that#i dont want to feed myself anymore. i dont like me. i will do anything that will indirectly rwsult in Unalive because Holy Shit this hurta#i dont. have much twthering me down anymore. i really dont. my friends dont check in (reasonably so) bc im ass at responding#and to everyone else i am the Happy :) Guy who is Never Sad so like SIKE lol#(standing under a large icicle) oh nooo i sure hope this doesnt fall right onto my noggin and end me :)#local idiot sad#idk guess i gotta do something at least. to mess with so i can see a physical reaction ro rhis shit
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