#im caught in a state of
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hello
is this how your peopls work. i am obsessed with your comics and the panel layout and the way they react to eachother and sdgafkhgfdhsagfha s i very desperately need to have a grasp on how you see them in their dynamic and interacting and i feel like i don't know as much about how isabeau and loop be interacting but i am so so so so SO curious as to how that goes and how they feel about eachother pre-"i'm a former siffrin" and post-"ok you know who i am"
oh hell yeah a diagram we love a diagram
but yeah i'd say you've gotten my interpretation of the dynamic down pretty solid??
in general i think my instinct with loop-isabeau interactions is a lot tamer/calmer than others ive seen, my reasoning for why being hmm... i think i can note my core 'things im keeping in mind from the text' here
isabeau's line in act 6 remarking that loop seemed 'shy'. for all of loop's bravado @ siffrin (and thus the player's pov), they are still siffrin, so while it can be easy to percieve them as this loud bombastic personality-- there is this textual reminder that them acting this way is probably due in part to being up against siffrin, someone who won't speak unless spoken to (and thus loop takes the initiative, and is also presumably reveling a bit in making them uncomfortable and annoyed, inkeeping with their self-hatred and self-flaggellation) this to me reads as a reminder that they'd probably retreat into their shell hard when presented with other people- the party included. so even if i can see them trying to undermine their relationships with others, i think it's probably more on the insidious 'insulting siffrin to make the party protective of them' side, because that also feeds into 'proving' that the party only cares about one siffrin and that loop can be replaced. meanwhile isabeau has shown that, even with a vicious jealous streak, he can mostly keep a lid on it. he's the most emotionally intelligent of the group, and would probably be able to suss out loop's self-harm-via-getting-people-pissed-off-at-them gambit relatively simply given how obvious it is. also isabeau is not immune to insecurity-- and would probably let loop take some precidence over their relationship with siffrin because 'well i cant compete with the guy who actually went through All Of The Timeloop With Them.' because like... damn how are you supposed to do that. loop understands their pain better than isa ever could, and it would show in their fucked up unspoken understanding of each other (because how is Isa to know thats because theyre the same guy, and not just because the timeloop traumabonded the fuckers baddddly. which it also did.).
timeloop stressful as fuck. absolutely has both of them on tenterhooks the whole time. we visibly see how it affects siffrin (despondance & mania & aggression), and we see SAPfrin be very. very very despondant. so it would seem to me that loop is basically in a perpetual state of mania, given how sif's internal monologue begins to resemble their way of speaking (with the tee hees and such) when they are clearly broaching into manic states. one can assume that if you take loop out of the Torment Nexus, while they probably wouldn't faire well, all of the tension and pressure that's holding them up would collapse, likely putting them more depressive again by default? Of note, whenever i write loop's dialogue (which im told i do well? i will be honest i kind of feel like that's far too high praise.) i initially write it as very blunt and pissed off-- and will afterwards go back in and Maybe change wording to be more 'silly', but mostly i just add tildes~, italics, exclamation points and laughter to the pissed off dialogue without changing the actual content of it?
loop likes their friends! They are fucked up in the head about it (badly!!!) but they like their friends! They still care a lot, and can barely even hide it a little bit with their aloofness in game. it feels redundant to even try pointing out where they slip up because its everywhereee. They de-person their Actors because theyre the same lines over and over and over, but you see in SAP alone how any break from the script makes them overwhelmed with emotion, and how devastated they are if that deviation occurs a second time and becomes predictable (dying to the king after triggering the requisites for the true end, forcing you to go through it again). BUT!! You take their friends out of the timeloop and let them be New Unpredictable People again? I genuinely find it hard to believe mx siffrin "i love my friends so much id explode the world about it" nolastname would be able to see that and just go "nope im emotionally disconnected i can keep being a bitch to these guys forever". like no theyre gonna slip into being at least neutral no matter what. even if it's in a quiet depressive state when the mania wears off.
my biggest deviation from frequently observed fandom things here i think: i think loop doesn't actually believe that ISAT!Party are 'replacements'. they rarely if ever word a sentiment like this. this is something the fandom goes for because the horror of being replaced wholesale probably WOULD make it easier to cope if you considered those people to Not Be Your Real Friends. But loops WHOLE act 6 spiel? 'THEY WERE MINE FIRST. I LOVED THEM'? (paraphrased) they obviously desperately want to be with them again, and know they're the same people. The Fighter/Defender discrepancy clue is mostly metatext here-- since Loop never acknowledges the defender title-- just calling ISAT!Isa Fighter-- because they are the same guy. Your Fighter. They even call them Fighter in the "You got memory of X, your Fighter will now..." dialogues! Which are practically system dialogues! So. they see these isabeaus as the same. And while I would not put it past them to come up with the "they are different, my party is Dead" thing to Cope... I do think it is a delusion, plain and simple, and that I think any post-knowing-the-truth party would probably shut down weird rituals ive seen the fandom propose (often in a cute way??? it makes me feel insane?? like the concept of loop 'memorialising' their 'dead' family is not cute its nuts. they are being nuts. its like actively feeding into an extremely maladaptive coping mechanism. sorry this is like a massive sidebar but like. Yes i do think this is something loop might do if left unchecked. but it should not be presented as sane or rational? it outright undermines the themes of the game to treat the concept of 'Loop's party' being 'dead' as 'True'?? There's like several points in the game where Loop and Siffrin express that things that happened in the loops Still Happened even if the party dont recall it-- which is why their actions-- being cruel or doing 'experiments' still hold weight and can be Wrong. That it's tragic that the party will never remember but that their forgetting is NOT a pass to do whatever with no consequnce (experiment, bad touch, etc). It follows that by Nixing all of "loop's party", treating them as seperate, in some way implies loop's memories are Lesser and what they did "doesn't matter as much", which is antithetical on account of being contradictory to however you take the stated theme. PLUS... The game and Paratext are clear that there is One Timeline. SAP is in the same contiguous space as ISAT-- it is effectively just that on the loop between SAP and ISAT that we the audience dont see-- loop ate that star and when the loop restarted there were two of them. for all intents and purposes one can intuit that Loop 0 of isat and SAPfrin's first loop are legitimately identical from sif's POV, as Loop does not reveal themselves until Loop 1. BUT YEAH GIANT SIDEBAR OVER. THIS WHOLE READ OF THE TEXT INFORMS MY THOUGHTS RE: ISALOOP AND RELATED CONCEPTS VERY GREATLY)
jesus christ i wrote a lot in the above um. sorry. i dont know if its intelligable. uh. good luck?
im also on team 'orrery book and sif's thoughts about it belie a real deep-seated brainworm' re: their response to a Cautionary Tale About How You Will Inevitably Kill Your Double seemingly being "Nah, we'd be besties."... like. i do think it is. funny. and not particularly Unbased. Given how they are. For siffrin and loop to specifically be compelled by how they are the same guy. And i think that there's a lot to be mined from 'Both of them are convinced that the party knowing who loop is would fuck up everything badly, so they're going to great lengths to conseal this' played in tandem with '... they are like. very much explicitly doing things together that are directly related to a feeling of shared ownership over siffrin's body and form & the fact they are The Same Guy'. like it is a hysterical setup to me and i think is only added to when you have to put Isabeau in the middle of this polycule also. With the few exceptions of times ive drawn stuff specifically hinging on characters Knowing Who Loop Is (which is like. all bonnie-centric stuff so far? i think?), i take a lot of care to try and make their exchanges Vague as if they are worried about being overheard or saying something that's too much of a smoking gun. But also it's really god damn funny to think about how concerning some of those things could sound the vaguer you make them. Remember that above all i live and die by The Bit. (... as do they.) ie basically because im powered by The Bit thats why i focus more on the sloop side because its like. actively Funnier and more drama filled. or at least presents oppertunities for such. i feel like on isabeaus side here its kinda frequently like
yknow ? (oh god my formatting is broken now) . i DO very much think it can become like. niceys. of course. i think they can just be normal fucking throuple eventually (though if i'm going that goddamn far into the future u may as well partycule the fuckers 2 me. by the time theyve solved whatever the fuck you call pre-reveal isiloops i think odile has gotten involved at the very least. but this is why i mostly keep myself to the realm of 'the mostly immediate post-game conflict' stuff since i think all these characters leave off the end of the game with such solid springboards for arcs set up (clearly intentionally) that the infinite realm of possibilities opens up too wide for me to be comfortable with.) anyway i keep thinking about the tragicomedy of isabeau finally finding an "in" to nurture a friendly bond with loop by comisserating and steeling themselves for changing again even though it feels like a betrayal of their previous actions/beliefs and how fucking funny the idea of 'loop reveal but theyre like 2 weeks into using she/they' is. just like you get all the way through the horrors of 'oh jesus christ the timeloop was even worse than we thought it was' but now '.. d. do you still . what pronouns do you want?' is tacked onto the end. Sorry did you hear something . must've been the wind. anyway . this ask is a fucking mess i hope its readable like at all . can you tell ive been brainscramblied for six weeks
TL;DR:
yeaghj you got it. its not like im doing anything revolutionary im just trying to stick as close as i can do what i percieve the characterisation is in canon & thus generally dont tie down any of my fanwork to specific post-canon-plot-concepts. its all just nebulous extrapolation set 'pretty close to the end of the game because i think these characters are going to grow and change extremely rapidly once the game is over given how they're all intentionally poised for character arcs when the game ends'. but also you should put isabeau in the worst social bind of all time with two of the most mentally unwell BPD OCD havers youve ever seen and let him try to figure out the balance of 'be gentle' and 'treat them like the almost-30-year-old adult they literally are' while he also balances his own set of entire life changes it'll be fine he'll be fine (someone should probably check on him)
#isat spoilers#2hats spoilers#isiloop#lucabytetalks#long post#sorry i took like 3 days to answer this you caught me just perfectly after i had freed myself from my shackles and cleaned up my#Desolate Mental State Bedroom. im normal now. <- guy who couldnt tell they werent normal during the proceedings but clearly wasnt#but now we are back in business babyyyyyy. and also sorry to every server im in for vanishing lol. ill be alive again after christmas#this also means i might god damn have art to post again. that transfem sifloop piece was legit a desperate hour-or-two doodle#which is why its so self indulgent lol . brain was turned the hell off and i let my id out. to which the id said draw blorbos as women. Now#next port of call is purrgatorio tho... i only got the mall one out because i was sick as a dog with cold LOL. unintuitive i know
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I need martin to **** ** *** ** ***
Outfit and Image Description under the cut!!
ID: A digital drawing of Martin Blackwood from The Magnus Archives. He is a big wasian man with short wavy auburn hair, freckles and visible body hair. He is in a pin-up esque pose, with his right hand on his chest and face angled towards the right in a cheeky expression. He has smokey eyeshadow and dark red lipstick on. He's wearing a pearl earring on his left ear. He's wearing 1 choker, made up of several pearls in rows of 5 with a silver and pearl medallion at the front, a short necklace, made up of yellow and white pearls in rows of three with a gold and white with pink flowers medallion, and a long chain necklace with two pearl accents and with a gold and pearl medallion with a tiny painting of a person on it. His outfit is white and sheer for the most of it, with boning running through it like a corset, but malleable. You can see he's wearing a white bra, also with the same boning, underneath the sheer top. He has a belt made up of two strings of pearls weighed down by a pink flower accessory. He's wearing white sheer gloves with lace details on the hems. He has 4 pearl bracelets on his right arm.
#the magnus archives#tma#martin blackwood#tma martin#tma fanart#the magnus archives fanart#hey look i posted a thing#so artsy rawr XD#im so happy i finished this#the face gave so many problems yall have no clue#yes i finished this at 4 am cuz i got caught in a fugue drawing state at that time
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the townhouse across from mine was burned down in an arson like 3 weeks ago which has done like immense damage to my psychological well-being i no longer feel safe in my home etc so now i leave my window overlooking the street open every night to keep an ear out (bc i fully heard the fire being set and wrote it off as me being paranoid 🙃) and tonight i saw some people looking into a car parked across the street and then SPRINTING around and behind OUR house so naturally i freaked the fuck out and went out back to smoke on our balcony thinking nobody would be stupid enough to run right by me if they were still out there but they DID and bean was with me so she started barking her head off and i havent turned my ring camera off in an hour bc the activity was too far away for it to trigger the motion sensor to record automatically i feel like im losing my fucking mind its making me feel like a REPUBLICAN and i hate it 😭😭😭 like i didnt call the cops or anything but girl i dont want crimes to be perpestrated against meeeeee and most of all i want to be able to feel safe falling asleep before the sun is fully up. for the love of gog
#like im trying to play it so cool but im from the suburbs im still getting used to the occasional gunshot in the distance#and i have not heard an update on whether or not they caught that arsonist so im just in a state of paranoia Always
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thank god ive never had a serious crush in real life because if that shit is gonna act anything like fictional crushes im not gonna function at all
#if i ever like someone for real im going to need them to leave. get out of this state. go away.#i cant live my life if i also have to avoid looking at your face or thinking about you ever lest i be caught in an endless loop of blushing#and flappy hands
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autistic meryl is still my ride or die hc
#bc its literally not just 'shes autistic bc im autistic and i say so'#like theres so much in the source material to back me up here#like its a recurring thing that she doesnt know how to verbalise/communicate her feelings so she just doesnt#theres parts where she goes non verbal#in the jp version she has an incredibly feminine/formal way of speaking which i know is a trait for some autistic people#shes very emotionally repressed#she presumably has little social life outside of work#her relationship with her parents/dad is wobbly bc of previously stated emotional expression issues#<- also bc she gets too caught up in work to think about trying to communicate with her dad#<- and cries over worries of her dad thinking her selfish or distant for it even though she didnt mean it#like bro she is so autistic. 2 me
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Me sneaking into your asks with this drabble:
Disclaimer: I have yet to get a good grasp of Moze's character so this might be a bit OOC and on your side as well (sorry). I did my best. Also, this was inspired by the post you made abt telling Moze your tasks for the day | 600+ words (not proofread)
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In Moze's eyes, you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies.
You were quite literally everywhere. He'd find you talking to someone one moment before you're rushing off to do something else entirely the next. It seemed like you had quite a lot on your plate as of recently. Tasks, things you wanted to do, and so much more spinning around that mind of yours. You've told him a bit of your plans so he has a general idea. But seeing you juggling all of those tasks at once makes both admiration and concern bloom in his chest.
One time, Moze found you carrying a box filled with items. It would've been amusing to him how comical it was that the items piled so high— he could barely see you behind it. However, he did worry right after given how you almost tripped over something. He managed to catch you and the items before both came crashing all over the floor.
He insisted on helping you carry the items to wherever its destination was. It took a bit of pursuasion on his side. Convincing you that it truly wasn't a bother to him at all, and that he'd be very much glad to be of assistance to you.
"I need to get these delivered first. Then go stop by the shop to buy some things. After that…" You go on to ramble about the things you had to do to help get a better vision on what else you had to do. "Oh, no… I messed up." The smile on your face dropping at the thought that had slipped your mind until that moment. "I forgot to invite Jiaoqiu to dinner with the others—"
"It's tomorrow evening, right? He knows. I mentioned it last time when I spoke to him." Moze says with a calm tone.
You blink at him, slightly caught off-guard by the man beside you. Though it's immediately replaced with relief and gratitude. The smile on your face already back, lighting up your features once more. Infectious as always, it makes the corners of his lips tug upwards as well. A small part of him feels quite proud to have been able to help you ease your worries even by a bit.
And this is when you start noticing it.
Did you mention that you're running out of a certain skincare product, but you can't find the time to stop by the store to buy it? Moze conveniently has to stop by near the store and buys it for you. Did you also mention that you wanted to do a certain task but keep forgetting about it? He gently reminds you about it via message or verbal if he's nearby. Did you also happen to mention that you've been meaning to try out a certain desert from a cafe, but the schedule simply doesn't seem to allow you? No fear, he passes by the store to buy you the treat.
Moze doesn't see you as someone incapable of handling things by yourself. To him, he simply sees it as a way to show his care. If making a quick stop somewhere, sending you a small reminder of something you had to do that day, or even helping you out with the tasks you need to accomplish, makes you smile? Gives you a chance to take a break? Let you worry less about the things you need to do? It's worth it in his eyes.
He does his best to avoid making you feel like you're bothering or troubling him (you really aren't). Most of the time, he does them discrcetly and casually. Partially, since he's also scared that you'll think he's weird or a creep for acting like that.
Please don't think of him badly.
Moze truly means well.
#🐦⬛🐕 .#彡 cy!#彡 inbox.#彡 cherishing.#excuse me cy 🥹🥹🥹 you wrote a drabble based off a vague little post i made about moze 🥺🥺 HOW WILL I EVER THANK YOU 🥺🥺 that is so sweet ?! ?!#600+ words ?!?! CY !!!!!! THANK YOU ?!?????!!!!!! IM IN SHOCK /pos IM STARING AT MY SCREEN LIKE 🥹🥹🥹🥹 YOURE SO KIND YOURE SO SO SO KIND !!!!#‘you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies’ HANSNDJDN i want to be his dog 🙂↕️🙂↕️ and !! i have to say — the energy rush a#him is so real T T HE IS JUST SO FUN HES SO SWEET HES so awesome he’s so lovable — zoomies is inevitable with mr shadow guard of the yaoqin#im smiling so hard at the ‘you were quite literally everywhere’ AAAAAEEEE there is much to explore !!! THIS IS SO CUTE THOUGH IM SO 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#THE CARRYING THE BOX SCENE ?!???!???? this reminds me of one of previous jobs i had ajanskdkxk YOU DONT REALLY NEED TO SEE . YOU CAN PEER#AROUND THE BOX — BUT MOZE SEEING ME IN SUCH A STATE IS SO EMBARRASSING/pos omg he caught me x0x IM BRIGHT RED AT THIS THOUGHT SHSNJDCJ also#cy !!! i will say that i love your writing and you put down your thoughts ….. this is such a cute read and my heart is so soft reading this#truly truly thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write something as sweet as this for me ?!?! i am so blown away and so#thankful AND SO EMOTIONAL AND SO HAPPY oh )))): thank you thank you thank you thank you cy!!!! i adore you infinitely 🥹🥹🥹🤍🤍🤍#NOOOOO HE DOESNT NEED TO HELP ME CARRY IT ALL THE WAY THERE 🥹🥹🥹 SURELY SUCH A THING IS NOT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION#even if it was i would feel bad !!! T T oh my god please cy this image of him insistently that he’ll help is making me so red /pos he’s so#sweet ))): OH MY GOD AND THE RAMBLING SJSNSNDKXKKS IM REALLY SO RED AND FLUSTERED READING FHIS SKNSNDNX HES LISTENING TO IT 😭😭😭 HE IS#PERCEIVING ME 😭😭😭😭 but i do think my nervous chatter would activate in his presence — oh cy that would be so awful — to talk and talk and#talk his ear off :’) OMG OMG HE ALREADY TOLD JIAOQIU 😭😭😭 SAVIOR MOZE life saver moze i am indebted !!! TWICE NOW . THE BOX AND NOW THIS#him feeling proud ?! 🥹🥹 there is much more for him to feel proud about ! for example — how resilient he is / how strong he is / how kind he#is / how … i should not continue HIM KNOWING WHAT SKINCARE PRODUCTS I USE ????????? AND CHECKING WHEN IT RUNS LOW ??? ))))))): AND THE REMI#REMINDERS * MEAN SO MUCH TO ME OH CY ))): YOU ARE TOO TOO TOO KIND IM SO HONORED TO HAVE RECEIVED SUCH A GIFT insjdjxnj ))): cy !!!!!!!!!!#THE DESSERT …. I LOVE CINNAMON OR LEMON DESSERTS …… oh he is ))): he is too kind )): YOU!! ARE TOO KIND CY !!!!!! I WILL SOB INTO MY HANDS#BECAUSE THIS IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY AND )))): !!!! omg ))):#HE IS SO SWEET . HE MEANS WELL ???? I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU BOTH !!!!! i think i would genuinely burst into#tears thinking about him doing anything for me to :’) ease up some days :’) IM JUST :’) this is so thoughtful and so :’) im so incoherent a#and these tags are so messy — im just so happy and have read this like ten times over !! and go -> 🥹🥹 each and every time#thank you cy !!! ): from the very bottom of my heart!!!! you are such a skilled writer and you have such a kind heart#i saw your post about drabbles for friends and oh — im hugging you so tight — thank you for being so sweet to everyone ): i adore you so mu
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top ten guys who would shatter if thrown at a wall number 1
#thinking abtpers ERMM sorry always think abt him late and then i get self concious. BUT i think#''yknow that life we lived is over. and when we were living it it didnt mean anything anyways'' < THAT. THAT MAKES ME THROW UP AND SOB#because it DID mean something to him!! it meant everything !!#it was the one thing that kept him going he was trapped w laius or wahteva#the idea that if there was even a SLIM chance of him escaping and meeting back up with coyot and things going back to the way they were. it#was worth it enough to endure torment and try to not go crazy < wanted 2 be somewhat normal when he caught up w coyot#even though it never did turn into a reality and instead he came across gunner#and it wasnt until after he had grown to love his new life and the people around him that he saw coyot again . circumstances aside he still#was so happy 2 see he was alive and well. was happy to see that coyot also lived with the people he loved and was doing alright for himself#and was in a better mental state and was well fed and !#he loved coyot. im so emo over that. love was there but it saved nobody < shaking and crying and throwing up#and thats why i think him dying would be the best outcome 4 him tbh. having to kill your old family must be fucking devastating#and he only did it to ensure a false sense of safety. FML!!#txt
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man the way six's head WHIPS 2 glare at mono after he breaks the music box
#i forgot she did that and it caught me off guard LMAO . silly but also Fuckkkk my heart#these poor kiddos never had a chance#and her posture is noticeably changed :( she's hunched over starin at the ground#immediate sign that Something Isnt Right#thats part of what i adore sm about little nightmares It's never ever stated what's going on b/c no dialogue#you need to Pay attention to their body language and their actions and shit#it's why i side eye people who r like ... ooh six.... shes Evil omg..... ucan see from the start of the game...#or she saw mono's face n recognized him as the thin man#the first 1. u dont know what tha hell u r talking abotu Im sorry but did u even PLAY tha game. or you're like 8 years old LMAO#and the second one HOW!!! mono's baby ass face looks Nothin like the thin man#and did u forget he spent the last 10 minutes basically beating the shit out of her . like we know why he did it but six#she was in another state of mind bruh#put urself in her shoes . Or her jacket since she doesnt wear shoes heehee#my rambles#little nightmares
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love watching weather science videos but like. why am i 1000x more interested in tornadoes over hurricanes. they're both spinning air
#we wanted to be a stormchaser when we were younger#nowadays we have to worry about our health too much to have such a risky high-stress high reaction time job#been watching nothing but tornado history videos for days it's one of our intermittent special interests#stemming from the weather science workbook we OBSESSED over as a kid#would read that thing cover to cover multiple times a week. i was the kind of autistic who would read the Encyclopedia for fun#i actually had a fave encyclopedia entry as a kid and now i cannot fucking remember it 😭#i also learned what sex was through the encyclopedia 😭😭😭😭 was legit my first exposure to the concept#but like even though we watch A TON of weather videos including tons of stuff about thunderstorms and blizzards#(thunderstorms my fucking beloved. favourite weather pattern ever. cumulonimbus my bestest friend <3)#most of the videos we watch are mostly tornado videos. and hurricane videos feel boring to us#even though hurricanes are wayyy more powerful#tornadoes are still fucking powerful it's just more. concentrated#tornadoes to me feel Targeted like. that's weather that says Fuck YOU in particular actually#especially multivortex tornadoes where you can literally have two houses both in the middle of the storm at once#and still only one of them gets destroyed#or like pictures you can see of demolished houses with their mailbox in the yard simply untouched#i like to watch tornado videos bc they help me. prepare. just in case#our state gets hit with tornadoes pretty frequently though not as much as tornado alley#and i like to know all the information for sheltering and what to do in the event of a collapsed building and such#i have a little survival kit in the bathroom just in case with like basic first aid and a radio and bottled water#bc thats probably the safest room for me to be in since it's not near any external walls and also hiding in the tub is usually good#also in the event you're caught on the road during a tornado#DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE shelter under a bridge or overpass#those work basically like straws where as the air gets pushed through it goes MUCH faster and gets dangerous way easier#as far as im aware the best place to be is in a ditch or hole if you absolutely cannot find a shelter in time#if you do not have a car with roll protection then being in your car will probably be worse#NOT AN EXPERT THO pls verify this information on your own if you think it is relevant or necessary i have poor memory and can be stupid#i just know that overpasses are dangerous as hell
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me when I'm brave
#writing an email apologizing for a thing that happened that i feel so guilty about that it makes me sick !#but im apologizing instead of hiding away because im a brave responsible adult or whatever. and i gotta do scary and hard things bc it's th#best thing i can do in this situation#augwhauhahhggh#i still think of myself as a kid but im a legal adult and i have responsibilities and relationships to maintain and i have to be the one to#do that. im not a kid and i dont want to be treated as such so i have to do the hard bits of it too!!!!#i cant hide behind my parents#i shouldnt hide behind my parents#i dont want to hide behind my parents#and if i want that freedom i have to prove myself and take responsibility#theres a lot more conflict to be had in this life. being brave and handling this one will give me the experience and bravery to handle more#also i learned my lesson lolllllll you Can people-please too close to the sun and it will burn#there will be consequences that are worse than if you just straight up stated your boundaries#like it works the first few times but you'll get caught eventually....#guhhhhh#its okay i learned my lesson. isn't great to be human and have experiences 👍
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Thinking about one of the loser men I dated directly post-college who, after I showed them Dirty Computer [the emotion picture] by Janelle Monae, said they "prefer rap that has something to say"
#this person identified as a man but used they/them pronouns just in case that was confusing#but yeah like. what does that mean. did you watch the video#also one time said colorado edibles were 'too strong' and therefore 'dangerous'#they said that COLORADO should have more 'regulations' imposed on weed products lmfao#also when i was watching mad men and expressed that i liked it#they were like 'i dont see the appeal bc the commentary feels obvious to anyone whos lived on the east coast' skskdkdkelsdnakas#they had the WEIRDEST complex about being from the east coast. like. most tightly wound person ive ever met in my life#who was constantly insisting they were sooo type b and so chill and go-with-the-flow#and like yeah im aware im from one of the most laid back slacker states#but this person was one of the most uptight people ive ever met let alone dated#and just had like 0 self awareness about it#like they would exclusively wear button downs sweater vests and cardigans. wouldnt be caught dead in a hoodie unless it was northface#would only drink coffee if it was made from a french press#also see above story about edibles (which was the biggest 'fight' we ever got in bc i was like what the fuck r u talking about)#like. the label says clearly how much thc cbd etc is in each edible and how many doses there are per container#what else could you want#if you dont know how itll affect you just take half or even a quarter of one first???#this still gets me heated to think about#but yeah like what kind of person sees DIRTY COMPUTER and is like 'hmm not political enough' lmfao#OH ALSO guess why we broke up#the blm protests happened and they said they were just 'too affected by police violence to be dating right now'#(they were very much white. blonde white)#and then i found out 11 months after we broke up that they had started dating a poc a month before we broke up#because i saw an anniversary post they did and i was like '...wait a minute'#and a friend of mine used to work with them after we broke up and according to him this person would constantly bring up what a great 'ally'#they were for dating a poc#fucking. wild
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i am going to scream (wip rambling in the tags)
#(not subjecting this to my wip thread [hi j k l if you see this somehow] [how did i not notice your names line up in the alphabet]#because im really just waffling at this point)#it has been three(?) months and i still cannot decide if this thing is ending happily or unhappily#because it is just. so unrealistic to save LIGHT FUCKING YAGAMI from herself#i feel like this is one of those things where i have to just keep writing the plot and ill figure out the ending along the way#BUT I DON'T WANT TO. i want to know where i'm going first so i can signpost!#god#really i just need to figure out misa and soichiro and the actual plot#but like. okay. so#what actually changes for light's internal state is#1) she has a secret to keep that doesnt fit with the charming young man image but is harmless (at least relative to the murder)#2) she and L are both in on the secret#3) it is a point of commonality she has with L that isn't about ruthlessness intelligence or murder#4) it upends her entire sense of self perception#and are these points enough to save her. i dont know. i dont know#i think at the very least it makes yotsuba slightly more bearable#in the direction of L&light anyway. her relationship with her father is probably going to be worse#and of course theres still misa#who is ALSO getting her entire sense of self perception upended#i still dont know how she's going to react to pretty much anything#i have an instinctive feeling for her first reaction but it's such desperate denial that it is going to break sometime#not that she broke for five entire years of miserably happy comphet relationship in canon#but i feel like this might be more jarring than that#aaaand if so how does that change her part in yotsuba arc because she was the one who got higuchi caught and did that for light#my god why am i doing this to myself. i could have been happy i could have written a high school au.#but anyway back to light HOW AM I GOING TO GIVE HER A HAPPY ENDING WHEN SHE'S *LIGHT* AND L'S *L* AND#like the problem is it would be SO easy to give her a sad ending. so easy that i honestly dont want to. i want her to be happy it's just#the logistics#i genuinely think theres a chance i could do it theres just so many VARIABLES im going to start BITING#edit: jesus they deleted all the tags after this one. is this the thirtieth tag. it IS wow
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They needed a stealth soldier, so I put my hands on the hibachi hot plate at Benihana and burned my fucking fingerprints off. They will not find me.
#IM AT THE BANK BOUGHTA WITHDRAWL ALL OF IT#THOSE VALENTINOS ARE FROM MILAN YOU FUCKIN IDIOT#THAT FENTANYL GAVE ME VITRUVIAN MAN FLEXIBILITY GOT ME IN A STATE OF RIGOR MORTIS#CAUGHT A BROKE BOY TRYING TO COME UP ON MY AMAZON PACKAGE#SO I SKINNED HIS ASS ALIVE AHHHHHH#tagging later#kazamajun#heihachi flow
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You know, one of the most interesting thing about BG3 to me is that all the different choices and RP moments you can make mean that it's very easy to have a multitude of playthroughs that don't neatly fall into the boxes of "good" or "evil" runs.
The other interesting thing is that whenever Larian talks about their game, it feels like this was a complete accident.
#bg3#the “true good” path has more content than any other path#because Larian did not expect a worldstate where the tieflings were dead for any other reason then because the player murdered them#and they wanted to have consequences for players doing the “evil path”#which is also just. maybe the consequence should be anything besides having less content to playthrough#but they did THAT bc they assumed people would mostly be doing evil playthroughs for their 2nd or 3rd run when they'd be tired of sidequest#Larian writes Ascended Astarion's romance a very specific way because the writer assumed people who romanced him on that path#only cared about the sex and power#so your tav/durge gets pigeonholed into a very specific personality#and these are only the things I know for sure bc they've been outright stated in interviews or tweets from writers#i know they can't account for every playstyle#but I never felt this way playing a bioware game#the whole 'oh I clearly am not meant to rp or play this way' feeling#im caught between being glad to have more rp choices but wondering if its worth it when i get punished for taking them
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Shitpost sketches YAY!
Ref:
#at least such shit im able to draw anytime in any state =D#and i am depressed and caught a cold =')#my sketches' folder#fanart#sketch#tenkuu shinpan#high rise invasion#sniper mask
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#this girl asked me out but im still mega sick and prob will be for a few more days at least#sooo i kinda want to tell her no even though i already said yes ugh#like i'm just honestly not that interested & would it be bad to use being ill as an excuse?#im genuinely in no fit state to be leaving my house rn#but also i dont want to drag rhis out by rescheduling like i just want to not do it and stop chatting ugh#is this fine? i think this is fine#i'll just tell her i caught a rare respiratory illness which is TRUE & that i don't want to string her along if i don't know when#im gonna be well.#this is fine right im not a horrible person for changing my mind right
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