#but at the same time I don't wanna pressure myself that much | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mangostarjam · 5 months ago

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declarations (alternate version) — kaiju no. 8, hoshina soshiro x f!reader, use of foods as nicknames, childhood best friends dynamic, reader wears a dress and heels, oral (f!receiving), 3k words — the first bit is the same as the original but it does deviate

"Why do I need to wear a dress?"

Hoshina Soshiro glances up from where he's lounging on your bed. You've already pulled on the dress, of course, and he watches with probably way too much interest as you tug and adjust the way it drapes along your body. It's pretty. It fits perfectly, though you have no idea when Soshiro learned your measurements enough to show up at your door with such a gorgeous dress hanging from his fingers. Maybe he got them from Okonogi-chan?

"You'll be walking 'round with me and the Captain, egg tart, so you've gotta look the part," he says idly, though you can feel the burn of his stare along the newly exposed skin of your back. "And don't forget the heels!"

You glance at the cute, strappy heels he left by your mirror and frown. "If I wear those, I'll be taller than you, Soshiro-kun."

"Aw, that doesn't matter," Soshiro says. He sits up and you look away from the flex of his incredibly defined abdominal muscles beneath his compression shirt, which he apparently wears all the time, even under his formal dress uniform with all its tassels and buttons.

God. Embarrassing. You really need to get your staring issue under control.

"I can fight whoever looks at ya."

"Wha— ?" Heat sears across your face as you splutter and spin around to face him. The skirt of your dress twirls with the movement and you catch his gaze snapping down to your thighs. "Why would you need to fight anyone?"

"Hm?" You take a step back as he gets up and stalks over to you, holding your breath subconsciously as he kneels at your feet and takes one of the heels in hand. Your room suddenly feels warmer, the air hushed, as if the two of you are the only ones who exist in the entire universe. Soshiro chuckles quietly and shoots you a grin that makes your knees feel wobbly.

"Soshiro-kun?"

"Well, 'course I'm gonna fight for ya, apricot," Soshiro says. You flinch as he reaches out to grip your calf, the rough callouses on his fingers scraping lightly as he lifts your leg and slides your foot into the shoe. "You're my best friend, yeah?"

And I'm just a simple man in love goes unspoken as he carefully ties the silk around your ankle to keep the shoe in place. You wobble a bit at the balance and he glances up from beneath his violet bangs. "Hold onto my shoulders," he says quietly, reaching for your other leg. "Don't worry, I've got you."

"S-Soshiro-kun, I can put these on myself," you mumble, heat flaring up your spine at the careful pressure of his fingers on your ankle. He lifts your leg and you grab abruptly at his shoulders, fingers digging into the thick muscle there as you regain your footing with his support.

Soshiro lets out a breath. "I know," he says simply. "But I wanna do it."

Is this what men do when they're in love? You wouldn't know — the only man in your life you've ever cared about is right in front of you, and he's refused to elaborate on his strange statement no matter how many times you've asked. You have a feeling he means it, though.

Like, really means it. You love Soshiro — of course you do. You've always loved him. But lately it's felt… different.

Still comfortable. He's still your biggest supporter and vice versa, and he still knows exactly how to cheer you up and make you laugh. You know all his ticks and tells, and you take great pride in taking care of him while he's looking out for everyone else.

But at the same time… it's uncomfortable.

These little touches — they're new. The way his gaze lingers on your body is also new. Or… maybe you've just never noticed before. It's not a bad thing. But it makes you feel strange and fluttery inside and you catch yourself daydreaming about what it'd be like to actually get a hickey from Soshiro. Your best friend.

You stare down at the top of his head and try to repress a shiver as he skims up your legs to where your skirt rests against your thighs. His touch leaves behind a trail of warmth that burrows deep. "Um— ?"

"Ya look real pretty like this," he says. You're still holding onto his shoulders as he rises from his crouch, your entire body hot and hyperaware of how close he's standing once he straightens. "I could really just eat ya up." The smirk on his face makes your heart thump painfully in your chest, but he doesn't give you a chance to question it before he's grabbing your hands and spinning you around in a little twirl.

"S-Soshiro!"

You let out a little yelp as the room suddenly turns sideways, your center of gravity abruptly gone as Soshiro scoops you off your feet with one strong arm behind your back and the other beneath your knees. You throw your arms around his neck in a desperate move to keep from falling, though you know he'd never drop you.

Soshiro looks down at you with a glint in his eye. "Maybe I will."

"You'll… what?" you ask, breathless. He looks… hungry. Something about that look makes your stomach clench. "Soshiro-kun?"

"As your best friend, I think I've gotta do a lil inspection," Soshiro says brightly. He carries you over to your bed effortlessly, laying you down with a care that makes you burn up in a mixture of embarrassment and want.

You want… something. Soshiro gently detangles your hands from behind his neck and brings them up above your shoulders, gripping both wrists in one of his hands. His other hand is planted by your shoulder to keep from squishing you, though he keeps his balance with a knee between your thighs. "What…?"

"Just checking," he murmurs, leaning down to brush his nose against yours. You can feel his breaths on your lips and you strain a little against his hold, wondering if he can feel your pulse beating rabbit-fast in your wrists. His hand is trembling, though you can't imagine it's from the strain of holding himself up. "Can I?"

What… what is he asking?

Does it matter? It's Soshiro —

"Yeah," you breathe. "Go ahead."

His lips brush yours in a whisper, an exhaled sigh, a pressure as light as a butterfly. You make a funny sound and he grins as he skips down to your neck, pressing a firmer kiss there at your pulse.

"You do taste good, chestnut," he mumbles, just before you feel the sharp nip of his canines pinching your skin. You yelp in surprise and he chuckles, brushing his lips across the spot in apology.

"What did I say about food nicknames," you manage to gasp out, blinking blearily as he rises back up to face you. The tops of his ears and the arch of his cheekbones are painted a charming pink, but his eyes are serious as he meets your gaze.

"Are you good?" Soshiro asks.

Are you? You do feel good — better than good. The way your heart is racing would probably raise some eyebrows in a medical ward and your brain feels like mush, but. You've had your share of meaningless crushes — puppy love, infatuation — but none of it ever really mattered because you've always had Soshiro.

None of it ever felt like this.

Oh.

"I'm good," you whisper.

"And this is okay?" he asks. "I'm not — I told ya I don't mess around when it comes to you."

"I'm not messing around either," you grin up at him, feeling suddenly buoyant as the pieces click into place. "I'm yours, Soshiro."

Your best friend looks at you for a moment, but whatever he sees in your expression makes him laugh — a rough burst of sound punched out of his chest — before he leans down to kiss you again.

You can feel him smiling into the kiss.

It's a little awkward — he bumps your nose and you can't keep from grinning, either, so the kiss turns into several kisses, the smooth press of his lips against yours sending heat curling through your veins as his kisses get deeper, hungrier. He tilts his head and finally lets go of your wrists to grasp your chin, moving you to get the angle just right, though his careful intentions go up in smoke when you reach up to tangle your fingers into his hair and tug.

He pulls back with a gasp, eyes wide and pupils blown, panting as if he's just finished fighting off a kaiju. His voice cracks as he murmurs your name.

"Yeah?" you lean up to brush your lips against his jaw, admiring the strain of his neck as he huffs. "You're so pretty, Soshiro-kun."

It takes a second, but Soshiro's next breath is a sharp inhale as he presses his body against yours, pinning you to the mattress.

Then he whines.

Oh, god.

The sound seems to startle both of you, but he recovers first, dipping down to kiss you senseless as the ache in your core intensifies. He's solid and warm and heavy on top of you, his hands burning along your arms and sides and skimming over the neckline of your dress before he seems to settle on gripping your hips as he bullies his way between your thighs. The gasp you let out is loud in the thick air of your room, but the groan he lets out when you squirm against the solid, unyielding length of him is even louder.

Soshiro moves back to pressing hard kisses to your neck and exposed shoulders, panting hard as you whimper with every stinging nip of his teeth. "You're gorgeous," he murmurs, "you're so fucking perfect, I can't —"

"S-Soshiro," you whine, wiggling your hips in an effort to chase the electric sparks of pleasure rising with every sharp, aborted thrust of his hips. "What's — why're you —"

"I'm tryin' not to cum in my pants," he grunts, fingers digging hard into your waist to still you. You sob at the loss of friction and Soshiro huffs. "Fuckin' hell — you're so — but I can't be walking 'round the party all dirty."

Your eyes snap open at the reminder and you shove at the shoulders you were clinging to for dear life a moment ago. "The party!"

"Yeah, the party," Soshiro laughs, grabbing one of your hands. He presses a kiss to the leaping pulse in your wrist. "Didja forget, pumpkin?"

The tender affection somehow makes you warm, even as his hips grind slowly against your core to make you burn. Your legs, which you hadn't even registered moving, drop to the sides, sending your dress to pool further up your thighs and exposing the thin fabric of your panties. Soshiro glances down at the movement, but you can only see the way his lashes flutter at the sight before he's grinding his clothed cock against you again.

A muscle in his sharp jaw ticks as he glances back up at you. "Ya look real good," he says, "and I'm tryin' to do this right, but —"

One thing about being best friends for your whole lives means you can tell when he's holding something back.

One thing about becoming lovers with your best friend is that now you can see he's been holding back from this.

"You can't go into the party like this," you point out. Soshiro laughs, a strangled sound.

"We're not havin' a quickie as our first time," he says firmly. His expression lights up. "But I did promise an inspection, didn't I?"

"What're you — Soshiro!"

He moves too quickly for you to react, pressing another hard kiss to your lips — his tongue dipping in to draw out a startled moan — before he's suddenly kneeling at the edge of the bed, yanking you closer by your legs spread on either side of him. "The heels look nice," he says conversationally, dragging his hands up your calves.

You suddenly feel over-sensitive, your nerve endings straining into his touch as he leans forward to drag his nose along the inside of your thigh. "Ah— Soshiro, that tickles!"

"They make your legs look good," he continues, as if you hadn't spoken. You raise up on your elbows to glare down at him as he brushes his lips featherlight against your thigh. Soshiro smirks and turns his head to nip the skin there, kissing and sucking along your thigh as he slings your leg over his shoulder for easier access.

Oh, shit.

The whine you let out would be embarrassing except that Soshiro mutters a curse and shoots you a look that makes your core clench tight. You reach for his hands, desperate for some leverage or an anchor, and he lets you take one of his hands but uses the other to hike your other leg over his shoulder.

"This is cute," Soshiro remarks, looking intently at your panties and the damp spot clearly evident even in the dim light. "Were they expensive?"

What is he asking? Why would it matter when the only thing you can focus on is the incessant ache in your core, inches away from his touch, heartbreakingly empty and wet and hot —

Soshiro rips your panties with one hand and tosses the flimsy scraps of cloth aside, exposing your fluttering core to his hungry gaze. You shift desperately, torn between wanting and wanting to hide, but before you can voice a request Soshiro dips in and licks you.

"Oh, fuck —" you moan, collapsing back on the bed as your hips buck up into the friction. Soshiro licks at you sloppily, digging his tongue into every inch and fold of you as he groans.

"All this for me?" he murmurs, catching your eye as you clutch desperately at the blankets. "Only for me, right, melon drop?"

You nod shakily as he gently kisses the throbbing bundle of nerves at your core. "I'm yours, Soshiro," you gasp. The waves of pleasure building in your body are frightening, your heart pounding hard, but you can't help tilting your hips closer to him. "Please, Soshiro — I… I can't —"

"Hah — fuck you," Soshiro groans. "Hold on to me."

You barely get a moment to register his command before he dives back in, targeting your clit and sucking on it as you sob with pleasure. White hot electricity races through your veins as you scrabble desperately for something to hold on to, grabbing at the purple strands of his hair and rocking your hips as he devours you.

You feel the burning touch of his finger as he drags it along your lower lips, making you suddenly hyper aware of how empty you feel. Your insides clench futilely, your fingers twisting into his hair painfully as you moan and beg. "Soshiro, Soshiro please —"

You can hear the squelch of your wetness as he finally slides his finger inside you, poking and prodding your walls until he presses against something that makes you see stars. Your back bows off the bed as you pant and squirm.

"There ya go," he grunts, pulling back to fix you with a burning red stare. "Let go for me, honey. I've got you."

You clench around his finger as he adds another, the intrusion unfamiliar but welcome, pleasure spiraling and spiking through you as he flicks his thumb over your clit and presses against that spot just right. It's — it's too much — too overwhelming —

Soshiro sucks your clit between his lips again and you shoot over the edge with a shout.

"Good fucking girl," Soshiro murmurs. You can barely hear him beyond the fuzzy aftershocks, but the words bleed warmth into your face as you melt into the mattress. He carefully licks you clean, chuckling when you whine at the overstimulation.

"Soshiro?"

"Yeah?" He climbs back over you, the lower half of his face shiny with wetness. It should be gross, but you're so boneless you can't even bring yourself to care as he leans down to kiss you, tongue tangling with yours as you moan at the taste of yourself.

"Where'd you… where'd you learn how to do that?" you mumble tiredly.

"In my dreams," Soshiro says, laughing when you pout at him. "I've been dreaming 'bout you for ages, y'know. But most of the technical stuff was from locker talk with the guys."

You nod and glance down, but the angle is awkward and you can't quite see —

"Ah, don't worry 'bout me," Soshiro ducks his head and you stare at the pink flush rising up his neck. "I'm gonna hafta meet you at the ballroom, hazelnut. I need a change of pants."

"Oh," you nod, wide eyed and blushing as he snorts. "Sorry?"

"Don't apologize for bein' a dream come true," he says. "But we should really go soon, or the captain'll have both our heads."

Soshiro helps you stand on wobbly legs as you regain your balance on heels, kneeling to smooth your dress back down your thighs. "Wait — what about my panties?"

He tilts his head thoughtfully. "Right, I'll help ya with that."

Soshiro's touch is warm this time, not burning hot, and the kisses he presses along your thighs are more ticklish than anything. He grins up at you as you giggle. "Will we tell Captain Ashiro after the party tonight?"

He rises and his gaze goes to your neck and shoulders, exposed by the straps of your dress. Something sharp and pleased settles in his smile. "I don't think we'll need to worry 'bout it. Any fool who gets close to ya when you're marked up all pretty for me is askin' for trouble."

… What?

You look past him to the mirror and gasp. All those little bites from earlier are blooming pink and purple beneath your skin. Soshiro laughs, swoops forward to kiss your scolding right out of your mouth, and pulls away only after you've melted back into his arms, pliant and breathless.

"You passed inspection, by the way," Soshiro adds, smiling a little lopsided and fond. "Congratulations on becoming the Third Division Vice Captain's fiancée."

Your eyes widen. "Fiancée?"

"Oh, too soon? We can start off with 'girlfriend' first."

"Soshiro…"

"What? A guy's got dreams, alright?"

You laugh. "You didn't even propose!"

"Alright, fine," he kisses you again and you beam, delight and happiness swooping through you at how easy it all feels. "Keep that third finger on your left hand empty for me, apricot."

"It's a promise."

#hoshina x reader #hoshina soshiro x reader #kn8 x reader #kn8 fic #kaiju no. 8 x reader #kn8 smut #hoshina smut #hoshina soshiro #fuji writes fic #UNEDITED and written while elbow to elbow with people at anime expo lmao #sorry to those fans if they were reading over my shoulder or something #while we waited in line or for panels to start #i'm still on hiatus bye again #hope you enjoy this alternate version #and yeah. i did give hoshina a praise kink. it makes sense to me

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alexthebordercollie · 3 months ago

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Ford's autism

K so I don't think I need to defend the interpretation Ford is on the spectrum. People make jokes about him being autistic all the time. We all see it. What I want to do here is sort of connect together some character details and examine them through the lense of my own autistic experiences.

I wanna start with his hands. It's an observation I've seen from multiple people that Ford is insecure about his hands and often hides them behind his back or in his pockets. And yeah, he is obviously insecure about them. He even mentions his six fingers at times when they aren't really relevant to anything. It just showcases the space this physical deviation of his takes up in his mind. And yes, it makes sense that he's insecure about them because he was bullied for them growing up. I want to add to this observation.

Ford would have been bullied regardless.

The problem was never really his hands. When you're on the spectrum people around you can tell that you're weird. Uncanny. Something is different and feels wrong about you to NT people, especially kids. They will pick any shallow superficial thing they can find as an excuse to bully you and justify the sense of revulsion they feel around you but can't articulate. If Ford had been born with normal hands they just would have made fun of him for something else, it would have been his glasses, or the movies he liked, or hell maybe some good old-fashioned antisemitism. Literally, any excuse they could find.

I know growing up I tried for years to change the things about me that I was made fun of for and it never made things any better. The bullying never stopped. "Fixing" things about myself didn't work because the thing that was actually "broken" was something fundamental to who I am. That realization as a kid was soul-crushing. That there was nothing I could do that would ever make me "normal", that would ever make people like me. I felt like an alien born on the wrong planet.

Ford continues to latch onto his hands as a sore spot because they're something simple and obvious he can point to as an excuse for why he's so outcast. He probably knows by this point that the hands aren't actually the problem. I'd argue this journal entry and his comment about "another failed social interaction" shows that he's aware his hands aren't actually the problem. But, it is a lot easier to fixate on those than to dwell directly on that sinking feeling that at the core of you're being you are fundamentally weird, wrong, unlovable. Ford's a genius. If his polydactyly bothered him that much he could have removed the extra digits. The hands aren't the problem, they're a symbol of a more fundamental kind of pain.

Looking at it through this context also makes the gloves Fiddleford gives him an extra sweet gift given what they represent. A kind of wholehearted acceptance of who Ford is and even a willingness to adapt to his unique needs just to show him love and affection. I think something that hurts me so much about their relationship is that Ford had someone who very clearly loved him as is and would have never wanted him to be someone or something else, and Ford was too stubborn to fully appreciate that.

The same is true of Stanely by the by. He never had a problem with his brother being weird. Another relationship with someone who loved Ford as is but who Ford took for granted. He needs these kinds of relationships in his life. People who embrace and accept him for the weirdo he is. He needs them desperately, which gets me to my next point.

Ford's ego. So it's also a common observation that Ford has a massive ego. He's kind of an ass, to put it mildly. But I have had someone in conversation frame it like the pressure to prove themselves was just on Stanley and Ford just spent his whole life being hyped up and told he was hot shit. This isn't true, or at least it's a flattening of his experiences.

Ford was praised for his genius. This is true. But his own father only gave a shit when said genius showed signs of netting material gains for the family. It only mattered cause Ford could be useful. Furthermore, this genius never netted him social acceptance from his peers growing up. He was still a bullied, weirdo, loser most of his childhood. Add that seeing Stanley kicked out would have drilled into Ford's head that if he couldn't make something out of himself his family wouldn't want him either. Stan was an unspoken threat of what this family does to failures.

Gonna bring up my own personal experiences again. Having set the stage for how it feels growing up on the spectrum. That feeling of alienness that you can't really explain. I loved to write and draw from a very young age. Moreover, as I got older I realized that when I drew, people were nice to me. The only time I got social acceptance was when people were admiring or praising me for my art. So I did it more and more, I devoted myself feverishly to my art. I loved it anyway and would have hyper-fixated on it regardless but the positive reinforcement turned art from something I loved to a need. I NEEDED to be an artist. I needed to be the best at my school. I needed all eyes on my work because it was the only way I could make friends. The only way I could prove that I had value. That I deserved a place in society.

I see that in Ford. I see his ego not as shallow narcissism but as an overwhelming need to prove his value as a person. To be loved and accepted and believing that no one will want him if he isn't brilliant. If he doesn't change the world. If he isn't useful. This is also why he couldn't bring himself to destroy his research even knowing it was the safest and most responsible option. Burning down everything he worked for would mean finally giving up on the fantasy of ever being accepted or valuable.

The sad thing is he's so single-mindedly fixated on this personal goal of proving his worth to the world that when people do come along that love him unconditionally he takes them for granted. These people are statistical anomalies in his life. Nice to have around, but not enough to fix the bigger problem. They aren't reflective of society at large. They aren't enough to prove that he, personally, is loveable. Just that on occasion he meets another weirdo. For a while it's nice. Like a campfire in a barren tundra. But he has to keep moving, he can't stay. Warmer lands are ahead if he can just get to them. If he can just keep moving.

This also is why Ford was so susceptible to Bill. Bill told Ford what he wanted to hear. That he was destined for greatness. That, the fundamental wrongness he felt all his life was something incredible other people just couldn't see. Bill promised Ford exactly what he wanted, but not what he actually needed. Ford never needed the world at large to accept him. He just needed a few good people.

I also think his chemistry with Bill was connected to his autistic experiences as well. Bill is literally an alien. There's no pressure to mask around him. To try and "act normal". Ford can just be himself with Bill and not have to think about it. And sure, he could be himself around Fiddleford, but Fidds is still human. The anxieties of human social expectations are still present. Like when Fidds get him a gift for the holidays and Ford feels a bit guilty that it didn't even occur to him to do the same. He doesn't have to think about these social nuances with Bill.

That said I'm sure Bill isn't what his world would have considered neurotypical anyway. Not that Ford would know that. But Bill was also a strange freak in his own society. Just as outcast, possibly more so. I think Bill sees a bit of his own experiences reflected in Ford. I think he relates to him on a level. Not that he would ever admit it outright due to his own ego. I think Bill's fixation on him after the breakup also stems from Ford rejecting the path that Bill chose for himself. Bill still lives with some sort of deeply repressed guilt for what he did. Imagine how validating it would have been to see someone else like him burn their own world to the ground for the same reasons Bill did. But no, Ford's a better man than him, and Bill can't stand it.

Ok, I don't know how to end this long-ass monologue so I'm gonna call it here I guess. I just wanted to spill some thoughts of mine about Ford as a character. If anyone else wants to add to this with other examinations of Ford's character through this lense go right ahead. I'm just saying as an autistic person myself I understand every choice Ford made. I could relate to why he did the things he did even if I know those were mistakes and even acknowledging that he's kind of an asshole. Ford is a strange man who makes an eerie amount of sense to me.

#gravity falls #ford pines #billford #ford^2 #stanly pines #gruncle stan #grunkle ford #autism #autistic adult

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nekomanager · 1 year ago

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𝐓𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐓 ♡ BOKUTO KOUTARO

𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐒 ⋮ f!reader, size kink, praise, squirting, swimsuit, oral, overstimulation, unprotected sex, mirror sex ♡ for @ranscutedoll ♡ red room event

You stepped out of the bathrooom donning your blue swimsuit. It wasn't all too revealing, but your boo Koutaro immediately drooled at the sight of you. He gulped down the tightness of the spandex against your body. It was as if you're wearing a second skin.

"Damn! You're so fucking hot." He said as his eyes freely roamed your outline, gaze lasting longer on your chest and on the plump of your intimate area. The lips so inviting to be eaten.

He went near you and grabbed you by the waist. He was seated at the edge of the bed with you standing facing him. His hands massaged your ass and you shivered. "W-Wait..." you pleaded.

"I don't think I can. Can't help myself. I need to touch you." He breathed out. His hands sliding at the side of your thighs as he shifted his focus on your pussy.

"Mhmn~" You whimpered when his index finger traced the outline of your pussy against the swimsuit. Gosh, he's so thirsty. He wanna have a mouthful of you right then and there. So he did and buried his face against the fleshy lips in between your thighs. Hungrily, his tongue massaged you through the swimsuit like he's a starving beast. You held onto his shoulder maintaining your balance.

"Bokkun...mhmn aaaa..."

"Can't get enough you, ugh!" Getting impatient, he slid the material to the side to expose a part of your pussy and gain direct access. His tongue went right in and your hand flew over to your mouth to shyly cover your moans.

He slurped you hard like he was drowning in your juices. Fuck...you're so fucking tasty and you're getting him thirstier and thirstier. You began writhing and he noticed. He pouted. You can't come yet, he still ain't done with you.

He spun you around and seated you on his lap so you're back was resting against his strong chest. You're both facing the mirror now and he parted your legs wide open.

"H-Hey! Stop! That's embarassing!" You covered your face.

"What're you talking about! Can't you see how sexy you are? Look..." He tugged at the crotch of your swimsuit. Your pussy lips eating the fabric as he pulled it up and down, grazing your clit.

"Ohhh....aaahhh..." Your mouth parted both at the sensation and at the sight.

"Shit! I'm getting harder." He hissed as he increased the pressure and your hips began rocking against his hard-on. He felt you shiver again but it couldn't end just like this!

He freed his cock and held on to your thighs, lifting you up to position himself against your entrance. Right through the mirror, you watched as your tiny hole swallowed his huge rock hard shaft. His length and girth alone was enough to send you to your release and you trembled against his arms.

"Ohhh...you came already." He breathed out. "Don't worry..." He planted a quick kiss on your cheek. "I'll keep you coming some more."

Without any more words, he lifted you up and down against his cock as he met you with deep thrusts at the same time, snapping his hips hard.

Your head spiralled as you thought you're going crazy. It felt too much. Too good. You felt scared you're going to lose your mind.

"Fuck! Fuck! You're so fucking tight!" You fit him so snug just like the swimsuit against your banging body and he loved that. Fucking loved that he's stretching your little hole!

You held onto his wrists as he got control of your body. "I can't- I can't anymore...Wait-" You cried out about to lose yourself in bliss.

"We're not yet in the pool but you're already this wet." He said as you dripped. Your wetness sloshing as he went in and out of you. He released one of your thighs and flicked your throbbing clit.

The uncontrolloble tremors came crashing in and you came in surrender, squirting with his member still stuffed inside of you. "Aaaah....aaaah!" So gooood.

You were almost lifeless when he comfortably laid you on your stomach. Your vision was still hazy as you caught up with your breath when he hovered you and whispered, "I still didn't cum yet."

Your eyes widened as he penetrated you from behind. He gripped your hips firmly as he rammed against your used up pussy. But he could use you anytime. You completely lost it. You didn't care anymore and lost all inhibitions, ass pounding against him as hard as he was doing you. So goood. So fucking goood. You both drowned in ecstasy.

⏝︶︶⏝︶ ୨୧ ︶⏝︶︶⏝

#bokuto x reader #bokuto smut #haikyuu smut #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #hq smut

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koolades-world · 11 months ago

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omg no bc whoever requested the getting talked over thats me fr it happens so often 😭😭 but id like to add onto that and request smthng that happens to me a lot

imagine the brothers with an mc that feels like theyre an npc? i know this is a bad way of saying it but i dont know how else to describe it. what i mean is when it seems like none of your peers or friends really like you because when you talk, people reapond dryly or just straight up dont say anything or even act like they heard you and you have to repeat yourself multiple times just to be noticed and you just feel like the most forgettable person of the group

if you dont wanna write this like super specific prompt i get it no pressure

have a nice day :3

hello!! so glad you enjoyed the other thing I wrote that much that you requested an extension(? is that the right word???)! I just hope I don't repeat myself haha

super specific requests are my bread and butter honestly! helps me get a better idea of what you want and there hasn't been something I can't do yet

hope you enjoy <3

Mc who's treated like an NPC by others

Lucifer

at first, he's kind of part of the problem

the exchange program is just a chore to him, so he finds it easier to brush over things you say

but once he grows closer to you, he feels guilty for all the times he ever ignored you or made you repeat yourself

because of this, he finds himself hanging onto every word you say, and makes all those around him go silent when you're speaking

Mammon

he's another one who also doesn't take you that seriously at first

after he gets to know you, he acts as your voice for you if others refuse to listen

he refuses to let others trample you like that

he apologizes to you for them and eventually makes everyone forgive you themselves

Levi

he feels like he's in the same boat and relates to some level

sometimes, he also feels like he's forgotten by everyone but he also feels sometimes he's part of the problem

when he's in his own gaming world, everything is background noise to him

if someone else does it to you, he works up the courage to comfort you and give you his best listening ear

Satan

he gets mad on your behalf and won't hesitate to correct everyone around you both

he refuses to let someone he cares so deeply for be treated like they don't exist

quick to snap and respond like a smartass but be so sweet to you in the same moment

wants to make you realize that you're not forgettable to him

Asmo

he liked you from the very beginning and disliked the way others let you blend into the background

the first time it happened, he politely cleared his throat and let you continue

the second time it happened, he was much less polite

refuses to let others respond dryly and ensures their conversation with you is genuine

Beel

has always been more on the quiet side and kept to himself so he didn't notice until you formed a real bond

if he notices someone mistreating you, he inserts himself into your conversation and forces the other person to be nicer

he wants to make sure that you know that he’s always paying attention to you, so his eyes are always on you

feels guilty even though it’s not something he can control so he often apologizes leading to many cute moments together

Belphie

has a 6th sense that activates when someone is pretending you’re not there and such

if he’s present, even if he’s asleep, he turns to them on a dime and stares them down until they realize what he wants. he will wait as long as he needs

if he’s not present, he’ll be paying them a visit in their sleep!

you notice his demeanor change when it happens, and he gets noticeable sweeter <3 expect gifts and kisses

#obey me #obey me!#obey me satan #obey me x reader #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me levi #obey me lucifer #obey me belphie #obey me mammon #omswd #obey me shall we date #obey me mc #headcanons #gn reader

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theoreticaltranstherian · 9 months ago

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Jumping on the bandwagon woo-hoo

no spam reblog or spam comment ;P

For every 100 reblogs I'll drink another bottle of water

Update: Ive drank almost 2 whole water bottles in the last 3 days which isn't much proportionally but for one, I'd probably not even drink one if it wasn't for the internet critters in my phone telling me to and also, yk, thats alot of water compared to my last few weeks getting all my fluids from food

10 reblogs: Go to bed before midnight tonight

50 reblogs: I'll make my bed in the mornings for a week

Update: I found out that my bed being made kinda stresses me out for some reason, it's just so neat I get scared, and so instead I am putting away 3 pieces of clothing that have been clean for months and i just haven't touched every morning :D

75 reblogs: I'll work on getting accommodations for my autism at school

Update: I don't have the required "proof of diagnosis" and I'd have to wait 2 years or so to get it and I won't be in school anymore at that point, so I'm working with my counselors to see what they can do aside from official autism accommodations

125 reblogs: I'll work in upping my failing grade in math

Update: Math test retake on the 12tg, wish me luck!

150 reblogs: I'll work on my dopamine addiction and get help

Update: Hooooooly shit addictions are hard. I'm going to start a timer for time between uses of YouTube shorts or Instagram reels in an effort to reduce my need for instant gratification and try to replace every time I pick my phone up with drawing or reading or talking to people around me.

200 reblogs: I'll post my art that I've been self conscious about posting

Update: I am really happy for this, it's finally an excuse for me to make myself post my art :D it's probably gonna be 1-2 drawings per post with a little background with each :3

300k reblogs: I'll start cleaning up my room

400k reblogs: I'll clean out my bag (God pls don't get to 400 yall T T)

500: I'll get sharp objects out of my room

1k reblogs: I'll be really happy :0

Edit; Added more goals

2k reblogs: I'll start streaming on twitch again!!!

3k reblogs: I'll empty out my drafts

5k: I come out as trans to my parents (I don't know if they're transphobic so to speak, but they are of the mindset that "do whatever you want once you're out of our house but until then you are our kid" but I wanna be like um no actually-)

5.5k: I come out as trans to my non-transphobic grandma

6k: I come out as trans to my transphobic grandma

Edit 2; Yo same picture of the earth reblogged me?!? the picverse found this?!?! that's insane xd

Edit 4; I added some coming out goals because I'm not gonna do it if I don't have the pressure from hundreds of little things in my phone cheering me on xd

Pinging moots so there's at least a small chance of any of these happening xd

@calimewzz @annotated-catastrophe @glitched-out-dusk @life-is-okay-rn

#now I can blame my personal failures on a lack of internet fame #instead of my own inability to function properly #>:D

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chrispotatos · 4 months ago

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forever - matt sturniolo

vampire!matt × human!reader

summary: your dad wants to meet your bf that you love so dearly thats also a vampire, the only problem is your dads a hunter.

a/n: the vampire traits i wrote for this is the same ones from vampire diaries.

warning: fluff, smut, p in v (unprotected), fingering, slight angst, reader gets turned into vampire

a/n: probably the longest thing i ever wrote (it's prob not that long and im just being extra)

my father wanted to meet the boy i stay out with so late, the one that never feels the need to come over and always invite me over to his house instead, the one i never shut up about. my boyfriend matt.

me and matt were on his bed laying in the dark room the only thing that kept it lit was the sun, that was now setting while it rained.

"my dad wants to meet you, you know?" i tell him picking my head up a little to see his reaction. "you mean kill me" he joked raising his brows at me

i scoff at his response and lay my head back down on his chest. "he won't kill you"

i didn't really believe myself, i mean my dad was a hunter and he hated vampires with a burning passion so i wouldn't really know.

"when does he wanna meet me?" a smile comes across my face as excitement coarsed through my body from his words. he was gonna actually be meeting my father

"any day will do but lets try friday" i squeal and move up to hug him and pepper kisses all over his face. "okay no" instead of laying on him like before i sit next to his laying figure (lowkey what it's serving but less dramatic)

i giggle tucking some hair that slipped into my face behind my ear to admire matts very much changed but perfect features. he definitely wasn't the same boy as before but who would really be the same after dying then coming back and having to deal with everything not only that but live for enternity.

"what's on your mind?" he asked placing a hand on my thigh, his thumb caressing it lightly "you actually" a smile coated my face at the truth "yeah?" his words came out as a low grumble.

he pulled my face in for a kiss with both his hands, he start placing kisses to my jaw leading down to my neck directly next to my pulse sucking on my skin. that was until i felt his fangs graze my flesh "matt" i said in a warning tone.

"m' sorry" he kissed my lips again the contact of his soft lips on mine, while making out matt helps my body straddle his laying one.

he waisyed no time to grab my hips and making me grind against his clothed dick, i could feel him getting harder underneath me making me smile against his lips.

"i need to feel you so bad" matt whined, breaking away from the kiss.

he pulls my shorts and panties down half way, just to have enough access to slip two of his fingers down to my pussy and slowly pushing his cold, slender fingers into me. the coldness of his fingers against my warm walls make me jolt my hips upward a bit; away from his fingers for a bit then letting him finish working his finger inside me.

he curled his fingers inside of me hitting a spot that made the knot in my stomach clench "holy fuck" i whimper out as he moves his fingers.

my eyes squeeze feeling his thumb adding pressure against my clit rubbing it in circular motion. "close- im close" i babble out.

i felt him remove his finger and i shoot my eyes open "i want you to ride me sweetheart" he sits up against the headboard pulling his pants and underwear down past his thighs.

i run my finger over his tip, a light gasp elicits from matts lips. he tries to move his hips up into my hand but my body straddling his restraints the actions "i don't wanna wait anymore" he complained

"ok, ok" i hover myself over the tip of his dick then sink down on it. i rock my hips back and forth a bit, my head rest on his shoulder; clenching a few times trying to adjust.

"there ya go" he praises bringing his hands to my hips encouraging movement. i rut my hips forward, now starting to bounce on his dick another groan coming from matt.

i bite my lips trying to contain the orgasm about to wash over me so suddenly. it doesn't take a while before his tip hits my g-spot making me move at a more rapid pace. "im gonna cum" i breath out going down one more time and realese all over him some of the warm liquid slipping out of me. i collapse leaning against him "fuck" i muttered.

i pull off of him and stroke his cock listening to his whimpers until he releases all over my hand, a smirk creeps on my lips when i see his jaw slacked and eyes screwed shut from the immense pleasure. his heaving breaths falling into low pants.

i grab his shirt that he took off, from the floor and clean him up "really my shirt?" i give him a glare and he shoots me one back.

i throw the shirt back to the floor done already. i put my clothes back on and so does matt, he changes the sheets and blankets to a different black set and we settle back into bed cuddling back into eachothers arms again.

"i love you" he spoke breaking the comfortable silence between us "love you more"

"really?"

"of course i do, i love you more than my whole being" i reassure him.

"would you mind loving me forever.." his words came out as a slight whisper when reaching the end of his sentence.

i sit up from my laying postion "what are trying to say?" my eyebrows knit in faux confusion trying not to crack a smile. i knew he probably wanted to turn me but i wanted to hear him say it.

"i want you to be a vampire with me but only if you want to" he said making immense eye contact with me "I'll think about it" i nod assuring myself and whatever of him that actually believed this was something hard to think on.

---

next day

it's a quiet afternoon, it was chilly so i made sure to wear a coat on the way to the sturniolos household.

i ran the rest of the way there when the sun started setting because it gets pretty eerie at night more than usual now that i know vampires are around here.

i knock on the front door and am met with nick, matts brother. "is matt home?" i question trying to catch my breath "yeah he's in his room" he stepped to the side letting me by.

there house was very nice, and it was larger than most of the ones in our neighborhood but also not that well lit i notice it's only candles lighting everything. i walk into matts room to see him sitting by his window, turning his head as i make my entrance.

"im ready." i admit fiddling with my fingers and avoidinghis gaze. he got up from his window sill with a small smile but it slowly faded "you sure?"

"yes" i nod along with my words "no y/n i mean are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into. are you sure you want this. are you sure you'll be able to love me for the rest of your life. are you sure?"

i take his words into consideration and im sure about all of it. he's my person i considered him my other half, when i found out he was a vampire it scared me but not for the right reasons i thought he wouldn't like me anymore. i thought i wouldn't be good enough for him anymore so it drew a line between us but with a few talks our bond was better and I'd quite literally do anything for him

he took a few breathers before i saw red veins under his eyes and his fangs come out. he pulled me closer to him by my arm and sunk his teeth into my flesh a small 'ow' followed up by some cries left my mouth.

matt punctured his wrist to draw blood and turned it towards me to drink "matt that disgusting" my face grimaced into a disguted expression. "you'll die if you don't"

i let out a complaing groan and drunk some of the blood that was coming from him, the metallic taste feeling my mouth. witha quick movement i was out.

i woke up, my neck aching in pain. i put my hand on the back of my neck rolling it a bit.

i look around and im still in matts room just no matt. speak of the devil. he walked right through his door with a glass of water.

not only my neck was in pain: but now my head, teeth/jaw, my eyes, and suddenly a growing appetite to eat.

"why do i feel like this" i pull my legs up to my chest, rubbing my temples. "you're gonna be okay" he reassures sitting on the bed and cradling me in his arms.

"nooo my teeth hurt- and my head" i whine letting a few tears slip the pain was excruciating. it felt like i was a newborn teething all over again, my head feels like someone knocked me with a mallet, and my vision was adjusting to too many things at once and i was hearing a bunch of conversations from miles away. "can you make it stop already" i covered my ears and started sobbing it was all too much for me.

my nose was running and tears were leaking from my eyes i was a complete mess. matt was there for me running his fingers through my hair giving me encouraging words that didn't help but he tried so thats what mattered.

after atleast 30 minutes it subsided and matt gave me the glass of water he had in his hands letting me take a few sip then putting it on the night stand and setting me down to rest.

"did you kill me?" i asked referring to when i was done drinking his blood and everything just went black. "unfortunately yes, i broke your neck"

it brought a smile to my lips, i would have laughed but didn't have enough energy for it. I rested my eyes to try and sleep while matt lightly scratched my back, lulling me to sleep.

---

it's been two days and now currently Friday i haven't been at my house for those days and im sure my dads worried sick he has called a few times but i ignored them all out of fear i didn't even wanna come home but i knew i had to at some point.

i was dressed in some jeans and a plain black top it was clothes that i left at Matt's house other times i spent nights over his house.

over the days i thought it would get better but it didn't get any easier. my eyes would flair with veins and get bloodshot at any smell of blood. everything else was pretty easy to control except for my raging hunger for anything but food only grew.

to feel my teeth sink tear into someone flesh breaking through tissue and muscle just to drain them of blood.

to hold it off i ate animals but it didn't make the cravings go away.

"lets go" matt held the door open for me, we both walked out to his car and drove over to my house.

"what if he finds out im a vampire and kill me too" my voice trembles in fear, i was in no position to be scared. he might spare me, i doubt it but i have hope. matt on the other hand will probably not get it easy especially since he was the one who turned me.

"you're still his kid" he reminded placing a comforing hand on my thigh. he had a point but he also didn't understand my dads absolute hate for vampires the reason being is because he thinks one killed his wife my mom.

my stomach turned it felt like it was doing back flips, if i was still human my heart would have been beating out of my chest, unfortunately im not even a living being anymore. all this thinking distracted me from our way to my dad's place, i looked out the window and here we were.

matt came around the car and pulled the car door open for me sticking his hand out to help me, i took his hand helping myself out the car and walked to my front door knocking a few times.

"oh y/n i was so worried" he brought me into a hug, holding me close pressing my head against his chest and giving my back little pats. if only he knew i was the thing he hated most.

"are you just gonna stand there" my dad asked matt, his arms no longer hugging me.

"matt come in quick it's freezing out there" i exclaimed playing it off.

he wasn't able to come in unless he was invited in and my father probably caught on a tad bit or didn't even notice, either way i think it was well played off.

"nice to meet you" matt stook his hand out for a handshake, my dad ignored it and walked to the kitchen. "dad really?"

"help me finish making dinner" bluntly dismissing my words "i will leave if you continue this, it's not fair to him or me and it's actually quite disrespectful" i called out.

"yeah because im gonna praise a boy who doesn't ever talk to me let alone know what i look like. i know he's the on you're always sneaking around with so it's disrespectful to me" he declared raising his voice in the slightest.

i look over to matt who's jaw is clenched, i don't know if he was anxious or mad maybe a bit of both

there was no point in fighting so i just start helping my dad peel the potatoes. "how do you want your steak?" he asked getting seasonings out for what he was cooking

i was pretty hungry for anything but food right now so the closest i could get to blood is a rare steak but for more subtly medium rare is what i choose

"i thought you hated your meat pink?" he asked unsure of my reasonable answer "well you grow and you learn" i shrug

matt was setting the table, in no rush whatsoever making sure everything looked perfect. meanwhile i was struggling to skin the potatoes.

the vegetable slips out of my hand when i tried cutting it. "lemme help" my dad took it from me making the same mistake but cutting his finger and drawing blood.

oh fuck. "are you okay" i didn't look at him i couldn't i saw some of his blood drip onto the cutting board and i hurried out of there to the bathroom, matt chased after me calling out my name.

"whats wrong?" he asked knocking against the door. but i didn't answer, i looked myself in the mirror and i looked like a monster. i was one but why did i have to be one that kills.

i calmed myself a bit taking breathers and splashing cold water on my face. i come out the bathroom being met with a worried matt. he hurridly pulled me in for a hug "you're okay" he strokes my hair and started rocking side to side as the hug was coming to an end. "lets go back"

we walked hand in hand back to the kitchen and my dad was sitting at the table with a wooden stake in his hand. my walking has come to a hault at the sight

"i want the truth. what's really going on" he questioned. there was thick tension in the air, the silence was deafening.

me and matt exchanged knowing looks

"we're- well I'm a vampire" matt spoke up breaking the quiet atmosphere.

my dads grip tightened on the wooden object "im one too" i add

he drops the sharpened wood and looks at me with tears in his eyes "you?" i nod slowly and his breath hitched.

he started to shake his head in denial "it was you huh?" he picked the stake up and pointed it at matt "you turned my daughter into this monster" he stood up getting closer to use both.

i stand infront of matt not that i could really cover him fully because of our height differences but it was enough blockage for his heart not to get stabbed. "dad i asked for it, he didn't necessarily want to but he offered it and i took him up on the offer."

he sighed looking down to his feet then back at me "why? do you hate me or something" for probably the first times in months the tear finally slipped from his eyes. there were many occasions when he was close to tears but never actually shed any

"this isn't about you dad. i want to be with matt forever and this was the only way" i explained, giving him a pleading look for understanding or atleast sympathy.

"do you love him" my dad muttered

"huh?" i couldn't hear him clear but im sure i could have made out what he said "do you love him?" he reiterated louder.

"more than my will to live" he nodded "leave" he walked to his liquor cabinet and got some of his expensive alcohol and poured him a glass "leave the house or I'll kill you both" he threatened.

"bye.." i said so close to a whisper even suprised if he heard me. matt places his hand on my lower back and guided me out the door. "this is my fault" a sob tore through my words and matt ushered me into the car and drove us both back home (his obvi) and took me to his room sitting me on his bed, he sat next to me trying to calm me down.

my cries have subsided but everything still felt like it was some how my fault. i have no more family all i have is matt and his brothers. theres nothing wrong with that, me and his brothers weren't on bad terms but not necessarily friends, we did talk though but i just love my dad

"could i ever be human again?" he gives me a tight lipped smile and shook his head. i couldn't help but cry all over again "you starting to regret it?" he asked pulling my grieving body into his "little bit" i admit

he pressed a kiss on my head "im sorry" he apologized. i consented to this and i don't want him to feel bad for turning me into a vampire because i wanted this just as much as him.

a/n: i feel like the endings rushed but I've been working on this all day :')

#matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo smut #matt x reader #mattsturniolo #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo fluff #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo smut #chris x reader #christopher sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #the sturniolo triplets

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honeytonedhottie · 10 months ago

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the happy pill⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🧁

maintaining joy and building a lifestyle or habits that can sustain joy is important for mental health. even though circumstances may arise, im a firm believer that hope is possible and you can be happy.

POSITIVITY ;

if ur someone with a negative mindset in general and you wanna change it to a more positive mindset here are some ground rules..

let the little things slide - don't worry about the little things, dont stress over something that isn't worth stressing over. that includes letting the little things that you have done slide too. dont beat yourself up about something that you've done before. thinking "ugh why'd i do that" is useless. instead, flip that thought to "what can i do to improve if i find myself in that situation again".

surround urself with things that spark positivity - surround urself with things that u love and the things that make you smile. and enjoy the little things/tasks that u do. ROMANTICIZE.

giving out some -> reaping double - when u give out positivity. encouraging words, compliments, even a simple smile, you get that DOUBLED. it actually helps so much to be sweet to others and compliment others and its even sweeter for you bcuz it brings so much happiness.

TAKING YOUR POWER BACK ;

dont give anyone or anything the power to make you unhappy. ofc there are circumstances that are unique to everyone but in general dont let someone else's bitterness or negativity influence ur own happiness. protect your energy. bcuz you are responsible for making u happy.

REFLECT ;

have self identity audits every now and then to keep yourself in check. to make sure that ur following thru with ur goals or that ur balancing ur distractions properly. and also, reflect on whats constantly draining ur joy or what u are doing to drain ur joy. some things that can drain you include..

social media detox - although social media has lots of positives, we cannot ignore the negatives. social media provides a false sense of connection that we crave (cuz human beings are social creatures) so taking a break from social media every now and then a couple times a year rly improves ur mental health in the long run.

some things that can feed into ur joy can include..

gratitude - practicing gratitude without comparing your own achievements to someone else's. just being present and grateful for what u have.

laughter - learn to laugh and smile at things instead of getting worked up about it. laughing is such a mood booster.

literally ANYTHING, you know urself best and u know what makes you happy and what makes u smile so whatever it is that does that for you, DO that.

DO THINGS THAT ARE REFRESHING ;

doing things that are refreshing and replenish ur energy is a game changer for ur mental and emotional state and happiness. some refreshing things to do alone include..

watching the sunset/sunrise

meditation

journalling

practice self care

do something that u used to love doing

dance (it helps mentally too, taking u from rigid -> fluid)

DISTRACTIONS ;

when your constantly striving for perfection and you put all this pressure on urself, you'll end up growing into a bitter person, and thats not hot. so allow yourself to have distractions and have experiences and try new things bcuz thats what life is about.

however go about this with DISCERNMENT. allow yourself to have distractions that aren't harmful to you or others. an example of an unhealthy or harmful distraction is drinking. you can enjoy those things but enjoy them SAFELY. dont be too uptight with yourself and LET YOURSELF LIVE. but in that same breath protect yourself and get rid of whats taking away from ur happiness.

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dr-spectre · 1 month ago

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WE DID IT!!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!! This is such a big milestone. Halfway until 1000 followers... that's absolutely insane!!

This will be the last follower update until we reach 1000. But, I wanna share something special with you all and get rather personal...

So, about a year ago, I wanted to learn how to draw because I was feeling depressed about "not being productive enough." Basically I got sucked into the bullshit productivity self help stuff that wants to turn your life into a cold calculated work obsessed nightmare, rather than living in the moment due to fear mongering about the future and how "if you don't grind now you WILL be a failure and die alone and get no pussy." (No wonder I picked Team Present for the Grand Fest...)

Plus I dropped out of uni at the time and welp, to put it lightly, I was feeling fucking god awful and I was scared into basically "putting in the hard work" by all these self help channels and other bullshit online. Whatever the FUCK that vague shit means, my autistic brain still doesn't get it.

It was BY FAR the worst period of my life, but, at least I tried to do SOMETHING. And I wanna show you all some of the things that I drew last year....

This was between October 2023 to February 2024. I stopped drawing due to it causing me much frustration and anger.

So yeah! Uh... enjoy?

So.... not the best work you've seen, right? HAHAHAHAHA!

Would you freak out if I told you that I got upset and damaged a book and a fan because I got so mad at myself over not being able to draw or do anything right?...

I feel like this ain't for me, and you know what? That's okay! I've learnt that it's okay to try new things, it's okay to experiment and if shit doesn't work then it doesn't work. Plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to give up and try something else.

You are not a robot, you are a human being. Don't feel like you "gotta do something everyday otherwise you'll die alone and you'll be broke and you'll never be successful and you'll be forgotten!!"

Do feel pressured to feel like you have to "find your thing" or "be productive" or whatever kind of... heh.... BRAINWASHING you hear online.

I wanted to draw because I was jealous of others, including my friends who are skilled artists... and I did it for the wrong reasons which is why I stopped in February.

I am very happy that I've decided to actually focus on what i like doing and what gives me energy. A quote that has stuck with me for years now is a quote by Jordan Peele from an interview, and it's basically this-

"Follow the fun." And you know what? He's right. Following what gives you that good good boost of dopamine while also feeling like you're accomplishing something is one of the best feelings EVER!!!! Whether it's art, writing, modelling, sculpting, architecture, making music, acting, clay sculptures, etc. FOLLOW THE FUN!! FOLLOW THE SHIT THAT EXCITES YOU!!! I literally always have multiple projects spiralling around in my head all the time and cycling between them at every given moment.

I'm not even saying do only what makes you comfortable or be lazy either, do shit that makes you go "BRING IT ON!!!! I WANNA DO THIS!!!" Get that blood pumping!!! Challenge yourself fairly!!!! There's healthy and unhealthy stress. Healthy stress should make you feel like a fucking PREDATOR!!! AN ANIMAL ON THE HUNT!!! While unhealthy stress makes you feels like you're the prey, the one who's being chased by an unknown force that's out to get you!!

I feel like I'm kinda rambling... anyways!!! ENOUGH WITH THE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!!! 99% of you have been awesome and incredible!!!

It's also been an honor to get to know so many people who feel the same way as I do about a certain squid lady and her best friends.... before I went onto tumblr I genuinely felt so alone and so insane. I felt isolated, I felt like no one saw these characters the way that I do... I thought my perspective of a certain squid lady and her rebel phase was invalided and false... But now I know that I have people who have my back and understand what I'm trying to express...

One final time, thank you. I'll keep going.

STAY FRESH!!!!!!!!!!

#thank you sooooo much #i love you all #thank you guys #splatoon #callie cuttlefish #callie splatoon #marie cuttlefish #marie splatoon #frye onaga #frye splatoon #shiver hohojiro #shiver splatoon #art #traditional art #inspiration #ramblings

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shouldhavestayedawayfromhere · 1 month ago

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How to plan out Rituals (step-by-step guide)

Until a while ago, I still had to attend church every Sunday. Ever since I've stopped doing that, I use that time to develop my own regular practice. And I do a ritual while most of my family is out the house.

So here's a step-by-step guide one how I set up and execute my rituals, and I'm gonna try and make it look less intimidating to people with low motivation, executive dysfunction, or other similar issues (shoutout to my neurodivergent witches).

Ritual purpose

Sometimes I brainstorm what I want the ritual to be about they day before. That takes off some pressure from coming up with something on the spot. I used to have no ideas what to even do rituals for, but once I got the hang of it, it came to me pretty easily.

Sometimes you will know exactly what to make a ritual for. Xy has been causing you stress, or a person in your life has been on your mind a lot, or there's a situation you want some guidance with. If not, it can be helpful to have a list somewhere in your notes with some general things you want to work on. Dreams, goals, or even character flaws that you could tackle with the help of a deity.

It also helps me to do my rituals at the exact same time every week. It gets me in the mindset. These days I just wake up on Sunday's and think "oh, it's witchy time!"

Ingredients & Tools

Now that we know what our ritual will be about, it's time to think about what you're gonna need. Everyone uses very different tools, so I'll put down a general list of things you might need.

What deities will you invoke?

Their sigils/enns/symbols to use

What objects do you need? (This can be anything from rocks, crystals, a marter, to amulets, candles, pens and paper)

What herbs will you use, if any?

Once you got that, decide where to do the ritual, in case you don't already have a set spot or altar for this purpose.

I can also recommend always having at least one divination tool with you during ritual. Maybe a tarot deck, or a different one if you/your deities prefer it. For me, ritual is always a time where I have really good conversations with me deities.

Outlining the Ritual Body

Now, we know what we want and what we need. The next step is to plan out the ritual body. If you're already very experienced and have been holding rituals for years, you may not need to do that. But this is pretty much a beginner's guide, so we will take small steps.

During the ritual body, you do the actual ritual. Whatever you wanna do. It could be praying, singing, dancing, cooking, crafting, making herbal mixes, spells, amulets, curses, and so on. It's 100% up to you.

I recommend writing down the steps one by one in the beginning, so you can look at it during your ritual execution and know what to do next. As you do more rituals, you will find yourself swaying from your plans more and more, and that is okay and natural. It's only supposed to be a guide. If the ritual suddenly takes an unexpected turn, just go with what feels right.

Here's a short example for a ritual body from myself:

Invoke ritual circle & deity

Meditate until I feel grounded

Write out my worries and questions I have

Go through them one by one with the help of divination

Make a conclusion with my deity

Write prayer to deity, thanking them

Give offerings

Burn sigil of deity

Thank & dismiss deities & circle

Now this is a pretty simple one, but I hope you kind of get the concept.

Setting up the Ritual Space

So we know what we want and need and how we're gonna do it, step by step. Now it's time to gather everything we need and set up your ritual space.

I'm usually in front of my altar with a pillow to sit on. I dust off my altar a little and put all the herbs and objects I need around me on the floor. Then I also bring my book of shadows which has all the necessary invocations in it and my ritual notebook, where I planned out my ritual.

You can also do a pre-ritual routine, if you have one. For example taking a bath or a shower with your favorite (cleansing) herbs. If you don't have the time or energy for that, do some simple cleansing. Smoke, sound, crystals, whatever you like. For very low energy days, I sometimes just eat a corn of salt. It cleanses and it's simple, and not overstimulating to any of my senses.

Ritual Execution

Now, we are truly ready to do the ritual! Sit down, take a deep breath, light some candles. Maybe darken the room if you want. Put on some music (any music that helps you get in the mindset of the kind of ritual you're about to do). Take a moment to gather your thoughts and start your ritual.

Ritual Follow-up

Once you are done with this, it's time for ritual a ritual follow-up. This will not be necessary every single time, do this as you feel you need it. The energy can spike pretty high during a ritual, which can lead to spell-drop or other symptoms.

You can either do an elemental balancing or a different type of grounding. This is for when you used a lot of energy, or got very emotional. It might throw your balance off and you could literally end up sick if it's really bad (happened to me before).

If you feel alright mentally, physically, and emotionally, and you don't feel like you need a balancing or grounding, you can also just take a moment to sit down and reflect on your ritual. Write down any thoughts that come to mind. What was good, what was not, what worked or what didn't, how did you feel, what would you change, etc.

Conclusion

Congratulations, you made it! You have now mastered your ritual! Let's make a conclusion of all the steps:

Brainstorm the purpose of your ritual

Decide what ingredients to use

Plan out the ritual body

Prepare ritual space

Ritual execution

Ritual follow-up

That's all! I hope this inspires some people, feel free to share your own opinion/thoughts on this or ask questions :)

#paganism #deity work #demonolatry #witchcraft #ritual #pagan witch #polytheist #ritual magic #ceremonial magic

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yanderemommabean · 2 months ago

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You have no idea when I saw your status change from 2 months to 6 hours ago. I audibly gasped!! I'm so so sooo glad you're doing okay and out of that awful situation, as someone who did the exact same thing at 16, it's really hard at first, getting things sorted out and moving out for the first time is definitely stressful, but as you said it will feel like home once the dust settles. Also is there any way we could send money your way to help out? Best wishes momma!!!

I'm happy to try and be back! I'm feeling myself out more, I've come to find that some stuff that used to squick me doesn't so much anymore, and I've come to feel like I'm allowed to rest without guilt, allowed to eat without being berated, and so on! Sammy's vet bill is my main concern, but Im thinking of opening coms again soon after I get some things figured out on how I wanna go about it and how I wanna change some stuff up! I'll link my Ko-fi here and on my pinned message for peeps who are curious on where to donate and such if you want! But don't feel pressured!

ko-fi.com/mommabean Im currently looking for pharmacy tech jobs, as I graduated a training school recently while sickly but still managed! I just dont have the PTCB yet, but I know I can apply for a certificate and work for about two years (or less? Ill re-look into it, things get messed up) before having to reapply and what not. (again, could be COMPLETELY off but the jist is im job hunting lol) No ones called back yet and while im hopeful, I also know how the job market is more of a dead internet thing at this point. Sorry for the ramble! Im just happy to talk and what not!

I hope you have a wonderful day bean <3 you're very sweet!

-Mommabean

#mommabean #anon confessions are amazing #anon asks #My Ko-fi link

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mangostarjam · 5 months ago

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declarations — kaiju no. 8, hoshina soshiro x reader, use of foods as nicknames, childhood best friends dynamic, reader wears a dress and heels, 2.6k words

here's part one and part two though this piece was inspired by this

"Why do I need to wear a dress?"

You glance at the cute, strappy heels he left by your mirror and frown. "If I wear those, I'll be taller than you, Soshiro-kun."

God. Embarrassing. You really need to get your staring issue under control.

"I can fight whoever looks at ya."

"Soshiro-kun?"

Soshiro lets out a breath. "I know," he says simply. "But I wanna do it."

Like, really means it. You love Soshiro — of course you do. You've always loved him. But lately it's felt… different.

But at the same time… it's uncomfortable.

"S-Soshiro!"

Your best friend laughs as you wobble precariously before regaining your balance, your hands gripping his in a vice as you stumble to a stop. The familiar sound makes everything feel lighter, the heat simmering into something loose and… painful. Your chest aches. "Whoa, lollipop, watch your step!"

"You did that on purpose," you accuse, but you giggle anyway at his lopsided grin. It's bright and undeniably fond, a smile that features in all of your memories together. "You still haven't explained why you'd need to fight people, y'know."

"Let's just say I've got my work cut out for me with such a gorgeous partner," Soshiro says, looping your arm through his and angling for the door. Is he… trying to sweet talk you? Does he think that'll make you forget about his intention to brawl during the meal? "Ya ready for dinner, beansprout?"

"Hold on, don't forget your jacket," you say. He lets you step away to snatch up his formal dress jacket, though his hand hovers, stretching out towards you as you turn back to help him into it. You slip his buttons into place carefully, smoothing out the dense fabric and ignoring your warm face as he rests his hands on your hips to keep you steady. "There! Now we can go to dinner, Vice Captain, sir."

Soshiro's hands tighten at your waist. "Whoa, peanut, we ain't in public, yet."

You roll your eyes. He's been oddly insistent lately about when you use his rightful title. "C'mon, Soshiro-kun, before they start and we miss all the food!"

Your best friend loops your arm through his again and leads you out into the hallway, laughing when you try to pull your arm free only to fail as he tugs you more securely towards him. "Hey now, sugar cube, no runnin' away. We've gotta show up together or else people'll think they've got a chance."

You wrinkle your nose. "A chance at what?"

"They're already lucky bein' able to see you all dressed up," Soshiro continues as if he didn't hear you. "Maybe we should ditch the party."

"You're literally the Vice Captain of this base," you point out. "I think your absence would be noticed."

"What if we sneak out after dessert?"

"Why would we sneak out?"

Soshiro glances at you and pauses in front of the door leading into the ballroom. "Just 'cause I'm Vice Captain doesn't mean I'll forget to rescue you from all the socializin'."

"My hero," you joke, but several hours later finds you scanning the crowd uneasily for a head of violet hair.

The party is full of officers (easily distinguishable in their dress uniforms) and esteemed guests from various kaiju tech companies eager to promote their new products. You stuck to Soshiro's side for the most part, his hand firm and bracing at your lower back, but duty called and you ended up in a conversation with a tech mogul's son while Soshiro attended to his captain.

"Sorry, I know I'm not as good looking as the Vice Captain, but am I really boring you that badly?" the tech mogul — Takashi? Tadashi? — asks. You blink in surprise and return your attention to him, shifting on your heels.

"I apologize," you say, "it's just been a while…"

"It's been ten minutes," Takashi/Tadashi snorts. "If you don't mind me asking, how long have the two of you been together?"

Again? Why does everyone ask that? "We've known each other since childhood," you say. The man raises an eyebrow.

"Are you not… together, then?"

Something about his tone makes you bristle. "We've always been together," you say. You feel Soshiro before you see him, his hand resting warm on your lower back, just at the dip of your spine where it curves at your butt. This is a new spot for him to touch, a little lower than usual, but you lean into him anyway, seeking the comfort of your best friend. "Right, Vice Captain?"

"Who's askin'?" You startle a little at the subtle chill in his tone. Soshiro tucks you against his side with a hum as Tadashi introduces himself. "Nice to meet you, too," Soshiro grins. "Thanks for keepin' my cinnamon roll company."

Maybe it's your imagination, but did you hear a slight emphasis on "my"? And what's with dropping a nickname in public? Usually he's careful about referring to you by your surname when around strangers. The Third Division knows the two of you are close, but the ballroom is packed with people who have no idea about your relationship with the Vice Captain.

Tadashi doesn't seem concerned, but he does take a small step back. "Why of course, Vice Captain Hoshina," he says, "It was my privilege to be in the presence of such beauty."

You can feel Soshiro's arm tense as he slides it around your waist, but his tone is light. "Whoops, sorry, Takashi-san, duty calls. We'll be taking our leave now."

The crowd of pleasantly chattering officers and bigwigs parts easily as Soshiro guides you through towards the large banquet table full of small bites and snacks. You raise an eyebrow. "Wasn't his name Tadashi?"

"My bad," Soshiro says. You narrow your eyes at him and he laughs. "It's fine, my lil' blueberry. His father's the one in charge of their company and Captain Ashiro already made a good impression on him."

It doesn't surprise you that he already knows all of this — for all his joking, Soshiro's always been good at his job. What is surprising is that he was a little mean to the guy for no reason.

"Well, thanks for rescuing me," you say. "I was trying really hard not to yawn in his face."

Soshiro laughs and flicks your forehead fondly. "You ready to sneak outta this party, cupcake?"

"You won't get in trouble?" you ask, looking around doubtfully at the crowd. A few officers meet your eye and turn away quickly, which is weird. You reach up to rub at your forehead. "What about Captain Ashiro?"

"If we stay any longer, I'm gonna end up fightin' those guys from the Second Division," Soshiro says lightly, tilting his head towards the officers who just turned away from you. "They've been starin' at ya all night."

"No fighting," you say immediately. Soshiro snorts and crosses his arms over his chest. Your eyes skip over the way his shoulders bunch at the movement and you meet the eye of a female officer standing at the other end of the banquet table. Her face lights up and she moves towards the two of you, snagging two flutes of champagne along the way.

"Vice Captain Hoshina!" she says brightly, offering him the delicate glass. "I've been looking for you all night! It's been a while, hasn't it?"

You shift away, feeling suddenly like you're intruding on something private. Thankfully, the banquet table is a good distraction, and you move closer to it, wondering if you can find the dessert section while Soshiro catches up with this lady who's apparently an old friend. She must be from the Second Division. Maybe Soshiro met her when he visited their base to demonstrate and instruct on sword techniques?

You glance at her again. She's pretty, wearing the formal dress uniform of a female officer, though it looks like her long stockings aren't quite long enough, because the visible skin between her stockings and the bottom of her skirt is definitely against uniform regulations. She looks comfortable standing next to Soshiro, though, and the sight makes your insides twist strangely.

He's never mentioned her to you before. You remember greeting him after his visit to their base, accepting the snacks he brought back and tossing him your finished book filled with scribbled notes so he could take his turn reading it. Is he close with her? He must be, for her to look for him all night… right? It's not like you expect to know everything about Soshiro — of course he has his secrets and his own life.

And what if… what if he… and she… what if they were… together? You've never broached the topic of your love lives with each other, though it's never seemed to matter. You had your fair share of meaningless crushes during your time as an officer, but it was hard to care about pursuing anything romantic when you always had Soshiro.

Oh. Oh.

You are… an idiot. You feel so, so stupid. But Soshiro said he's a simple man in love — with you.

You're staring blindly at a platter of tiny cheesecakes when you feel someone approach, interrupting your train of thought. You glance up with a polite smile as one of the officers from the Second Division steps closer. "Those look delicious, don't they?"

"They do," you say. The officer looks nice enough — boyishly charming, in a way — but you find yourself glancing past him to scan the crowd for a head of violet hair.

Are you in love with Soshiro? Yes — of course you are — and maybe the semantics and nitty gritty details don't actually matter when you just feel right with him.

"Heya, pudding cup." Soshiro's touch burns along your lower back. "Time to head out?"

You twist towards him with a smile that makes his eyes widen. "I missed you."

Pink creeps up his neck as he grins back at you. "Yeah? Excuse me, officer, but I'll be takin' it from here."

The Second Division officer nods and mumbles some formalities as you leave with Soshiro, who doesn't take his hand off your back. The steady pressure of his fingers makes something curl in your gut. "What about the other Second Division officer? The one who brought you champagne?"

"Hm? Who?"

"Soshiro-kun…"

"She's just a friend," Soshiro says, snickering when you scrunch your nose at him. "Don't worry, bonbon, I've only got eyes for you."

The chatter and shuffling of the crowd fades as the two of you exit the ballroom and slip down a side hallway in the direction of your rooms. Soshiro drops his hand from your back, but you grab it before he can get too far, lacing your fingers together and peeking at the redness of his ears with a small smile. You turn together down another hallway, this one illuminated by squares of moonlight that do nothing to hide the clench of his jaw as he glances at you and squeezes your hand.

"Aren'tcha proud of me? No fighting."

You snort. "Thanks for not starting a brawl during a Defense Force party," you tease. "You're the best Vice Captain we could ever ask for."

"I'm not messin' around," he says. "I can't help it if I just wanna keep ya to myself."

"You don't have to worry about that," you say. You wonder if he can feel your pulse pounding in your wrist. "I'm all yours."

#hoshina soshiro x reader #hoshina x reader #x reader #kn8 x reader #kn8 writing #kaiju no. 8 writing #kn8 fic #kaiju no. 8 x reader #hoshina soshiro #fuji writes fic #hi idk why this was so damn hard to write #i hope you like it!! i had fun writing it but it was just HARD #anyway thankfully oblivious reader is finally figuring it out #and yes i do have more planned #i want to write more for them #poor soshiro he deserves at least a kiss after all this torture

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starberry-cupcake · 8 months ago

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Hello, I haven't had time to read as much as I would want but I'm here with an update regardless, because if I don't keep these constant, I'm gonna forget things and this, so far, seems like a book in which I don't wanna forget things.

previously, in harrowbean the ninth:

this happened

currently, after "parodos" and ch. 1:

so I'm making up a timeline in my head with the information at hand

which is never straightforward

that'd be too easy, here in tlt we like to be kept on our toes

we like to be punched in the gut when we least expect it

so get ready for bad math

this would probably make our good friend palmolive atreides weep

I'm sorry palomilve's force ghost, I'm doing my best

the first entry was the night of the emperor being terminated

the "parodos" bit (we'll get to that) is 14 months before the emperor is snuffed out

ch. 1 is nine months before the emperor kicks the bucket

I believe act 1 is going to be happening around that time, since ch. 2 seems to be following without another indication

because of what happens in "parodos" aka flashback, aka prologue 2: elecric bogaloo, we can attempt to estimate when the events of gideon happened

harrowbean tells ortus in the flashback that he's gonna train with aiglamene for 12 weeks

let's assume that's kind of the amount of time gideon trained, plus the time it took harrow to plot how to girlsplain, gatekeep and gaslight gideon into it

the only one girlbossing here is camilla, I don't make the rules

so, if gideon and harrow were ready to leave the ninth somewhere around 2-3 months after the flashback, it'd be circa 11 months before the events in the prologue

and ch. 1 starts 9 months before the events in the prologue

so gideon might have happened somewhere around 11-10 months before the prologue

I can't tell how long they were in canaan house (it felt like 12 years and 5 minutes at the same time) but I think about a month is mostly right, given that once bodies start dropping, things are all happening together

all of this is relative, since time in space is ????

but I need to do this for my own peace of mind

if you give me time measurements I'm gonna measure, ok?

I need to organize things

I know I will end up making a graphic at some point I just know it

this is what I get for calling palmolive a turbonerd

ANYWAY, MOVING ON

or, moving back, since we're in prologue 2: electric bogaloo aka flashback time

here we have ortus (the one we knew, not the one we will get to know, according to the characters list) telling harrow he doesn't wanna go to the field trip

this is ortus

if you're wondering why I don't nickname ortus, I'll repeat myself but "orto" means "ass" where I'm from, so that's enough to remember him by

harrow is like "I know you're underqualified but we're understaffed, so it is what it is"

the important part is that harrowbean says she sees the barbie in the freezer walking about

like a ghost or whatnot

she refers to her as "the body" and I assume that's barbie in the ice cube because someone reblogged my recap where I mentioned her and tagged

ever since then I've been wondering why she was referred to as The Body and now I'm gonna assume this is it

so harrow tells ortus he needs to hide the fact that she's mentally unstable

[non funny side note: masking is unbearable and it's awful we live in a social and cultural environment where we feel pressured to do it, especially when you're an adult having to fulfill expectations of supposedly "age-specific" activities and responsibilities, it's exhausting and I cried about that in therapy a mere week ago so, hitting hard, this bit

don't let people make you feel "less than" because the way in which you navigate the world and your experiences is different from what's expected in some theoretical socially constructed category

and fuck everyone who, in order to put people down in arguments online, ever make fun of those who aren't mentally, economically or socially as independent as what the category of an adult is supposed to be to them

argue with concepts, argue with opinions and facts, don't tear people down in the name of "moral upper hand" by telling people they're losers for needing help

side note done]

so, harrow entered the whole canaan thing not only carrying the weight of her house, her family and her entire people

she also came into it believing she's not mentally sound and seeing The Body walking around unnoticed by other people

whether or not her visions are mentally unsettled or something that actually happens because she opened the tomb, just the whole situation of her birth is enough to make anyone collapse, so we got you, harrowbean

we're here for you

and all that without mentioning what it'd be like seeing your girlfriend cavalier impale herself in front of you

I'm taking liberties with the 'girlfriend' bit but idk

so, next we know, 5 months have passed from that and harrowcita is struggling in her new environment of the clown emperor's ship

she is made to carry gideon's sword and she can't

she can't seem to know what to do or to communicate with said knowledge and she's throwing up a lot

WHICH IS GREAT!!!!!

I mean, it's not great that she's suffering

but it's GREAT because if she can't communicate with gideon's slurped soul, maybe it means gideon's soul has not been slurped AT ALL

more fuel for my wishful thinking of gideon's soul returning to her and getting regenerated and saved and being alive

I also like very much this situation in which harrow sees the sword as personified and they hate each other without gideon

it's like prim's cat in the hunger games with katniss

but with an inanimate object

I'm really liking that dynamic

is like they both miss her and can't relate to each other

ALSO barbie body ice cube is still there

just chillin' and being silently supportive, I think

not sure what her deal is but what if she's not the bad one here? because this emperor kind of sucks tbh

not in a 'he's evil' way but in a 'idk if he know what he's doing' way

I don't know about this guy tbh

so we're leaving off with harrow being mentally and physically struggling, ghost barbie roamin' the rooms, voices of people organizing stock and gideon in my head like this, walking in limbo to get back to us

also, another day without camilla

I thought I wasn't gonna have much to say and this is so long, I'm so sorry...

#luly reacts to tlt #harrow the ninth #tlt #harrow the ninth spoilers #tlt spoilers #the locked tomb #long post #gif cw

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goldnsyren · 6 months ago

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— Will it be enough? (m.) ⋆ pairing: gojo satoru/oc (noa hasegawa) ⋆ genre: angst, touch of fluff ⋆ wordcount: 𝟷920 ⋆ cw: JJK 261 SPOILERS

tags:

Note: Does it count as a comfort fic if all I comforted was myself?? Anyways, spoilers so don't read. Can be read as reader since technically no descriptions given.

“Why are you so upset?” “They’re talking about you like you’re dead!” “It’s just a backup plan. I'm fine. I’ll be fine, promise.”

“Satoru,” his name was like a prayer on her lips. A siren call he had no choice but to follow. Gojo stopped and turned to appraise his wife. Noa’s brow was furrowed, and her bottom lip jutted forward disapprovingly as she stayed at the doorway. Oh. She was serious.

Doubt darkened her expression. “I don’t like it. What if-”

He grabbed her by the chin, silencing the rest of her argument with a kiss. “You worry too much.”

“Always.” She didn’t deny it. As far as she was concerned, someone had to look after the idiot— her idiot. He certainly wasn’t going to.

Gojo couldn’t help but smirk as he wiped away the streak of blood from her cheek.

His stupid smile, calm and confident even in the face of such overwhelming power, lulled her as it always did. She should have seen the mischievous-manic glint in his eye. Instead, she was distracted by the foolish promise she had desperately wanted to believe. “Have some faith. I’ll see you later.”

Those had been the last words he’d said to her.

There was no “goodbye” because that would be overdramatic. No false promise of “I’ll be careful!” - he never was. And certainly no gut-wrenching sentimental “I love you” - it wasn’t their style.

Just -

I’ll see you later.

He lied.

Noa stared unblinking into his eyes - a new emptiness to their once lively blue hues - searching for that glint once more. The vortex of calculated curse energy and cheeky mischief that swirled within them was gone. Dull and lifeless, it felt almost like a stranger starred back.

She brushed the hair from his face, calm and steady - with the most delicate of pressure massaging his forehead and scalp. The same way she always did when he had a migraine and overworked himself. Again and again, her fingers comforted him. A soothing motion - if not for him than for her. The air vibrated in her chest, a song just for him, even if she had no voice left to hum.

With vivid imagination, she could picture them at home. Satoru would throw himself on the couch and drop his head in her lap like a spoiled cat. A tell-tale scrunch to his eyes, he’d pick up her hand and plop it on his head in wordless command.

No one does it like you, Gojo whined. It was the closest admission to ‘ I need you’ he’d ever make. Noa never made him ask after that.

“Better?”

“Much.”

Noa continued anyway. His migraine would fade, his shoulders would ease, and the deep, steady breaths of sleep would slowly take him.

She’d keep her hand in his hair as he softly exhaled, relishing in the soft rise and fall of his chest.

But this wasn’t home.

His head rested in her lap as she knelt on the dust and glass-strewn street. The hand that didn’t thread his hair cupped his face with a lover’s gentleness. Bowed over him, she silently wept.

“Get down here before you fall on your head.”

“C’Mon, you’re telling me you don’t wanna try the Spider-Man kiss, not even a little?”

She didn’t care about the blood soaking her. Some hers, some his, and a lot of others spilled in there, too, she was sure. What did it matter anymore? Her thumb rubbed back and forth across the cold skin of his cheek. It smeared the congealed blood that hemorrhaged from his mouth.

She regretted every kiss she didn’t take.

“Hasegawa-sensei,” Yuta’s voice seemed hollow.

She didn’t respond.

“Noa,” Shoko tried this time.

Her back and arms ached something fierce. A sharp pain seemed to weave between every joint and vein in her body, pulling taunt and beckoning her towards the ground. The exhaustion of overtaxed curse energy.

The weight of grief.

And yet, like an excellent little sorcerer, she persevered through the pain for the sake of the mission. The same mission she had dedicated her life to since she was tasked with it.

Protect Satoru from himself.

Noa may have been oblivious to the tension and strife of the sorcerers around her, but she was hyper-aware of every almost invisible pore on her husband’s face.

“Will you love me when I’m old and wrinkly and as ugly as those old farts?”

“Satoru-”

“Even if I looked like gramps-Gakuganji?”

“That’s just ridiculous.”

“...is that a no?”

The corner of her mouth twitched on its own accord at the memory. Her fingertips caressed the wrinkle-less forehead below her, her nails lightly scratching against the soft white strands of his temple as she pulled away to repeat the motion. Touch, oh, what a profound thing it was to be able to TOUCH him. She could count on one hand the number of times he’d turned off Infinity outside their home the past ten years. He hadn’t gone a day without it since -

“I’m here, Satoru. You can sleep; I’ll keep watch.” It was as much a promise then as it was now.

“Is she even listening to us?”

“Give her a minute-”

“We don’t have-!”

“Hasegawa-sensei,” Yuta’s voice broke through the back argument as he stepped closer. “we have to start-”

“ No.” Cold and firm, the croak was enough to still them all. What little curse energy she still had flared around her wildly in warning. No one dared move closer.

Protectively, possessively , Noa remained bowed over Gojo’s corpse. A renewed anger steeled her features as she kept her eyes on the vacant stare of his unseeing gaze. Aren’t you tired, Sato’?

Exhausted. But I suppose there are no days off for the strongest, he’d humbly bragged.

“Noa…” She felt Shoko more than saw her. The reverse-curse user kneeled beside her, a hand resting comfortingly on her shoulder. “It’s what he wanted.”

“Don’t - “ Noa mouthed, the sound lost in her constricted throat. She flinched, forcing Shoko’s hand off her. A new set of heavy tears squeezed from her eyes. Don’t encourage it. Her initial lack of refusal to this plan had been enough of a betrayal already.

Shoko folded her hands in her lap but did not break from Noa’s side. The raspiness of her breath gave away her stifled tears. Of course, she hadn’t objected to the plan. It was a fleeting idea, a one-in-a-million possibility that she never thought would come true.

Satoru Gojo - the Strongest sorcerer - was dead.

“I’m sorry,” Shoko whispered. An apology for so much more than just silence. Her voice was lower than expected, burdened by what had occurred and the part she was about to play after.

“It’s our last chance.” Kusakabe reminded her.

Noa’s breathing stopped. The pulverized mass that was once her heart seemed to sink further. With every ounce of strength she had left, she raised her head to look into the eyes of Kusakabe in challenge.

“He’s my husband .” The word cracked and squeaked as it was forced from her choking throat. She stared the sorcerer down until he looked away, ashamed. Noa’s torment was clear as day as she looked at her students and peers with an undercurrent of anger and mistrust.

“Sometimes I think you forget I’m the strongest. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“They treat you like a god; someone needs to remind you you’re a man.”

“You humble me.”

“It’s my job.”

“But I’m your man, right?”

“Till death do us part, baby.”

Fuck Death. They’d have to pry him from her cold, dead hands.

Noa’s voice gained its strength as her anger rose. “He’s not some cursed object, you shit-head. He’s-he-” She couldn’t find it in her to finish. No word seemed apt.

Nonetheless, Yuta understood. “I know.” His mouth was set in a grim determination as he crouched before her. Haunted eyes showed his remorse, but the set of his jaw conveyed his determination. He was certain she would forgive him for his betrayal one day, even if he didn’t live to see it.

“Love’s the most twisted curse of all,” Gojo had once told them. It makes Monsters of us all.

“You don’t ,” Noa replied, just as a matter of fact. They had protected their students from so much... Their strength had been paid for in blood, and pain, and the destruction of youth. All for the sake of the children in their care. And now one such boy stood before her, waiting - begging - to be stolen away from his own youth and transferred into a man who’s soul was already shattered. Did Yuta know what it was like to watch a child beg you to let them die? No. “You wouldn’t ask me if you did.”

“I’m not asking you,” Yuta nodded to the corpse she still cradled so dearly. “ He is.”

Noa’s gaze fell on Gojo’s vacant one.

“What do I care what happens to my corpse?” His voice rang in her ears. “I’m dead!”

I care, she thought. I care so fucking much. Heavy tears spilled anew as she forced herself to be objective.

She had never deluded herself into believing in some fairytale about retiring and starting a family in the countryside. The elders, the curses, the world wouldn’t allow it—not for someone like him, not for The Strongest. But there had been plans—so many plans …

“I’m so tired, Satoru. When will it be enough?”

“When we’re dead.”

Again, Satoru was wrong. Not even that freed him from his curse of strength. Was it too much to ask to be left alone in death?

We are good people, and we’ve suffered enough.

“He knew what he was agreeing to.” Shoko’s glassy brown eyes shared her anguish. “He knew we needed him.”

“He didn’t know it was an option.” She thought aloud. Rest had always been a foreign thing to him. Her conflict was evident as her eyes darted across his face. She search for a sign, any at all, of what he truly wanted her to do. His once blue eyes, always a reminiscent twinkle of the boy he once was, were now dark and cold. They stared up at something - and yet nothing - above.

Who are you? , she wanted to ask the corpse.

“If the option is a proper burial or you living ?” Shoko interrupted her dilemma. “I know which he’d take.”

The widow’s face twisted in new grief. Gojo had never been the type to say love , but there wasn’t a day that passed that she was sure of what he felt.

Her right hand clawed desperately at the shoulders under the black T-shirt to anchor herself. It’s just flesh, she reminded herself. Heavy tears spilled anew, following the dried tracks of her previous silent bout. She stifled the angry scream that threatened to tear from her.

He’s gone.

They don’t have to be.

With a wobbling lip, Nao could only find it in herself to refute the logic of her head with the anger in her heart. The only argument she could form in her grief-addled mind.

“You’re wrong-” Even defeated, Noa’s voice was steady. Her hooded gaze turned to Yuta. “He never wanted this. ”

Yuta Okkosu and Megumi Fushiguro would surpass Satoru Gojo as the strongest sorcerer. All it costed was their lives.

Noa released her death grip. She did not move, nor speak, as Gojo’s corpse was taken from her. All she could think was

When will it be enough?

“When we’re dead.”

Suguru had been right.

#jjk spoilers #jjk 261 #satoru gojo x reader #satoru gojo x oc #gojo x reader #gojo x oc #jjk

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concreteburialplot · 9 months ago

Text

Intertwined // 05

-> 05 - Girl Crush*

pairing; noah sebastian x nicholas ruffilo

masterlist; here | crossposted; ao3 | word count; 10.3k 😅

warnings; sad lol, dumb boys, mutual masturbation, p0rn, alcohol, peer pressure, vomiting, college!omens, jolly intro, gay panic & very mild gender confusion??, denial is a river in egypt, 18+ MDNI

REMINDER: this is an au where everyone is around the same age, follows no actual timelines/events, and uses oc's for family members.

a/n: don't like it don't read it. don’t be mean for no reason & let others enjoy things thnx :)

-NICHOLAS-

It had been about a month since Noah moved out completely and was fully living with us. It wasn’t that difficult of a transition since he stayed with us most of the time anyway. He seemed to be finally settling in and getting comfortable, which I was happy about.

Him living in my house wasn’t the only thing that became comfortable - in fact maybe we’d gotten too comfortable.

That first night weeks ago, where we took care of our morning wood next to each other, wasn’t the last time. It started as that one time thing, then an occasional thing, then finally, a casual thing. Neither one of us seemed to take it seriously, maybe to play off the implications of it. Because what else are you supposed to do when you jack off next to your best friend regularly?

It became so casual, sometimes as if the other wasn’t there.

My half-asleep ears fill with the faint sounds of moans, accompanied by restrained groans I recognize. The more I wake I feel movement behind me.

I stir a bit before turning around finding Noah pumping himself under the covers while holding his phone in the other. He jumps a little when I catch him but doesn’t stop. His actions only halt temporarily.

“Sorry if I woke you up.” He says bashfully, baby pink tinting his cheeks.

“It’s fine.” I gulp, my eyes drifting to the obscene noises coming from his phone. “Whatcha watching?”

He shrugs, tilting his phone to me, revealing the most generic looking porn I’ve ever seen. But porn is porn and it makes my already semi-hard dick twitch. “You wanna… watch too?”

My cheeks grow warm at the offer, “Oh, um, I mean, I don’t wanna intrude…” Though, I can’t help my eyes from being glued to the screen.

He shifts a bit and reaches over, setting the phone down between us propped up in a divot of comforter. In the clumsy process, the duvet slides off his lap revealing his cock.

My eyes widen at the sight of him but I immediately divert my attention so that he doesn’t catch me and assume something else.

“Oh sorry.” He blushes and goes to cover himself again but pauses, “Actually, do you mind? I just don’t wanna deal with the mess and-“

“I don’t mind.” I reply faster than intended. I shake my head, “I just don’t wanna… do that. But I don’t care if you do.”

“Cool.” He nods and returns to his previous position with his eyes locked on the screen.

There’s a panicky heartbeat lingering in my chest but the throbbing in my cock takes precedence. I relax a bit beside him and life the duvet higher up on my body, trying to cover as much of myself as possible.

I spit into my hand before dipping it beneath the covers and down around my member, working it out from my shorts. A hiss leaves my mouth at the coldness of my palm but it doesn’t take long for that discomfort to fade.

My eyes begin on the phone, to the blonde woman with large unnaturally perky breasts being railed by some strong man with a big dick, something you’d find on the first page of any porn site. Not my usual cup of tea but whatever, it’s doing something for me right now.

Naturally, my eyes drift and happen to fall on Noah’s cock. His large hand works up and down his member – he’s duo-toned darker at the base and lighter towards the tip, kind of like me just much pinker. I glance between him and the man in the video. He’s smaller than the man, but he’s definitely not small. The video is obviously emphasizing the man’s large size, but he’s still smaller than me, not by much but he is. It makes me wonder if Noah would be impressed by my size.

Why would I think that? What do I care if Noah’s impressed by my dick?

Noah’s probably not even looking at him like that, I’m just weird I guess.

As if on cue, Noah comments.

“I wish my dick was that big.”

Not wanting to stay uncomfortably silent, I nervously chuckle, “Yeah me too.”

“Well, how big are you?” He asks casually.

My eyes nearly pop out of my head. Surely, he doesn’t actually wanna know.

“Oh – oh, I don’t know, but I don’t wanna take the covers off because-“

Noah proposes a solution, “I could feel?”

“I uh – what do you mean?”

“Like, feel it under the covers. So, I can’t see it. That’s what you’re insecure about isn’t it?”

“Um, I, well,” I stutter, trying to think of any sort of appropriate response. I should say no. I shouldn’t want him to do that. But something in me screams that this might be the only time this could happen – not sure why that’s even important. “Um, sure.”

I scooch a little closer to him so it’s easier for him to reach. Unexpectedly, he brings his free hand up to his mouth and spits into it. My eyebrows furrow at the action, not quite understanding why that’s necessary. But when his arm snakes itself under the covers and his hand replaces mine, I’m suddenly not as confused.

My eyes round at the feeling of his hand around me and every muscle in my body tenses when he starts moving.

“Jesus, you’re pretty big.” He says before his hand even reaches my tip.

Suddenly, all the nerves in my body seem to flood to cock and I feel so sensitive under his fingertips. I should be watching the video, but my eyes bounce between his still working on himself and on his other one bobbing under the covers. I can’t tell fully, but it seems like he’s pumping himself faster than before.

His palm reaches the head then slowly slides back down. “You’re so much bigger than me.” His voice seeming casual, but there’s a hint of strain beneath it.

His words and his even faster movements on both of us only worsens the buzzing in my cock.

“Is this okay? I just, I’ve only ever felt my own dick so, I’ve only ever imagined what having a bigger one would feel like.”

“Yeah, yep. It’s fine.” I reply quickly, just trying to maintain my composure.

My chest rises and falls rapidly and my fingers curl into the sheets. A familiar knot forms in the pit of my tummy and the last thing I want to do is cum while he’s touching me. His hand moves on me at the same speed as on his own. His fingertips stride up and down the underside of my length, hitting the sensitive spot beneath my tip every time. My lips press flat together as I try to stave off my orgasm – I don’t want to cum while he’s touching me, but I also don’t want him to stop.

Thankfully he has less stamina than I do.

“Ah, fuck, I’m gonna cum.” He groans, working quickly on himself chasing his climax. “Fuck, fuck!” He whines desperately. His hand doesn’t stop on me while his hips buck up into his hand spurting milky white all over his exposed tummy.

The visual of his cock twitching and spilling cum all over his hand, combined with his high pitched moans and his hand on me catapults me over the edge. “F-Fuck.” I sputter out a strangled groan and scrunch my eyes closed. Before I have time to yank him off of me, my body goes rigid beneath him. The buzzing across my skin seems to all rush into my throbbing cock in Noah’s still moving hand. “O-Oh.” Slips from my mouth just above a whisper while every muscle in my abdomen tightens. I feel myself twitch and spill my own cum into the duvet and all over his hand.

The orgasm nearly blinds my vision and my heart beats so fast I can hear it thumping in my ears. Those couple seconds where it was just me, my racing heart and my throbbing cock, it was pure bliss. Possibly the hardest I’ve ever came before.

It’s not until I begin to come down that I realize what just happened and that… he worked me fully through my high?

My eyes shoot open the second I return to earth and feel his hand finally slip off my softening member. For a split second I contemplate if there’s a way for me to get out of this without even looking at him and god I wish there was.

Fuck

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” I begin to profusely apologize before he cuts me off.

He laughs, “It’s okay. I’m sure having someone else’s hand probably feels a lot better than your own. Even if it had been you I probably would’ve came even faster than normal… and you know I already don’t last long as it is.” He chuckles with a light peach tinting his cheeks.

One part of me feels bad that I hadn’t returned the favor, until I remember I didn’t really even want to do this to begin with. Then, another part of me wishes I had returned the favor, maybe I wanted to know the same thing he did - maybe I want to know what another cock would feel like in my hand too.

“Yeah - um,” I swallow the little saliva I have left in my dry mouth. “Yeah it was nice.”

He pulls his hand from beneath the covers. “So much for not making a mess.” He laughs.

My eyes round when I see just how much I had spilt all over his hand. “Yeah, yeah sorry again, I just didn’t think that…” My eyes follow his stare on the milky white mess of mine on his hand.

His coffee brown eyes snap up to mine and utters out the last words I ever thought he’d say. “Have you ever tasted your own cum?”

I blink blankly at him, completely devoid of words.

What the fuck

“I-I um, no? Why would I?”

“I don’t know, curiosity?”

“…Have you?”

“Well, yeah, I wanted to know.” He shrugs. “It was gross, bitter. But,” His eyes flutter back down to his hand. “I’ve obviously never tasted anyone else’s. I wonder if yours tastes different?”

My brain seems to glitch, not fully comprehending his statement.

“I-I um, I mean, probably.”

“Would it be super weird if I tasted it?”

My brows shoot up at the question.

But I reply before I’m even sure of my answer. “No, I um, don’t think it would be that weird?”

And it wouldn’t be, right?

He’s just curious.

Just like he was about my cock.

“Alright.” His tone much less confident than just seconds ago.

His dark brown eyes drop to the puddle of my cum on his right hand, just above where his thumb meets his hand. He lifts it tentatively up to his mouth; my eyes can’t help but rotate between his face and his approaching hand. Hesitantly, he darts his pink tongue past his lips to dip the tip of it into the puddle. Unexpectedly, his eyes find mine, snapping me out of my gaze that was locked on his tongue. His mahogany eyes surprise me, with how round and soft they are - so puppy dog-like for a situation such as this. I blink at him and for some reason, seeing him flatten his tongue a bit on the remnants of me makes my cock twitch. He takes a scoop of my orgasm on his tongue and into his mouth.

“Hm.” He hums, almost sounding pleased, like he was taste-testing wine. “You taste better than me. Sweeter. Must be all those bananas you eat.”

Sweeter

My brows join together, perturbed, “It can’t be that different?”

His boney shoulders raise into a shrug. “You can try mine if you want? To make it even or whatever.” He gestures his left hand up a bit to remind me that his mess remains on that hand too.

“Oh - I - well -“ I watch his hand gesture towards me again. The turbulence in my tummy reminds me of when someone offers you a gift and out of politeness, you’re supposed to refuse it - but I don’t want to refuse. I want to know.

“Oh c’mon it’s only fair, it’s not that bad.” He urges me, only reaffirming my inability to voice a decline.

I look down at the back of his hand covered in cloudy white rivers. My fingers gently take hold of his wrist and he lets me take control of his arm without a single ounce of resistance. I bring his hand to my lips and copy his actions - dart my tongue out and meet his eyes. His are just as intrigued as mine were, locked in my tongue.

The second his cum meets my taste buds, my eyes flutter closed. I’m surprised at the taste, it’s bitter and salty, what I imagine battery acid must taste like. The texture is about what I imagined, thick and slimy. And yet, even with the immediate disgust of it, it makes my cock twitch again. There’s a tingle in my fingertips and on my tongue that urges me to lap up the rest of his orgasm but I fear if I did, I’d be completely hard again. I never thought something as rancid as battery acid would make me hard, but for some reason right now it’s threatening to.

I’ve never been more grateful for anything more than the duvet on my body right now.

I half-force a twist in my face at the taste as I pull back from his arm. “Augh, that’s disgusting.”

He lets out a hearty laugh, “See! Told ya.”

A nervous chuckle escapes me, “That you did…”

-Next Day-

Since landing an apprenticeship at a local tattoo parlor, I don’t see much of either Noah or Folio. While I’m at work after class, they’ve been hanging out at the library in a study group full of people I barely know - people from the frat party a couple weeks ago.

Today though, I got off my shift early and I’m on a different mission.

My tires screech and the weight of my entire body jerks forward as Stella makes another abrupt stop at a redlight. My hand lands on my dash as a reflex I had gotten far too familiar with.

My tongue passes between my lips before pressing them together and close my eyes through a deep breath. I consider myself a fairly patient person, but if there’s anyone on earth who could get me to snap, it is definitely my sister.

“I told you to start braking 5 million feet ago.” I exhaled with the hopes of Buddha himself coming down and bestowing me with a well-deserved medal of excellent patience.

“Whatever, we still stopped, didn’t we?” She sasses, as she continues to dance to whatever pop song pours through the speakers.

“Yeah, barely.” I grumble, crossing my arms in the passenger seat. “I have no idea how they let you pass your driver’s test.”

“You are so grouchy today.” She glares at me. “What, did the shop bully you again?”

My eyes roll so hard they could’ve fallen out. “No.” I clench my fingers into my palms and stretch them out as overlayed flashbacks of scrubbing every inch of the tattoo parlor flash across my mind. “No, I just cleaned a lot. Fumes. Headache.”

“Right.” She responds unconvinced.

The car takes a sharp turn into a plaza I’ve only ever driven past before and pulls into a parking spot right in front of the destination of my mission.

“We’re here!” She beams, turning the engine off.

We walk up to the small shop snuggled in the tiny strip. The walls look like they were once white, a long, long time ago. Now they’re stained a yellow-y beige with weeds and vines growing across the plaster.

“’Record Store. Plus repairs.’” I read off the giant red letters above the door. “How creative.”

Stella’s elbow sharply jabs into my ribcage. “Ow!” I hiss and recoil away from her.

“Be nice. Be cool.” She scolds me in a hushed tone.

Whatever the fuck ‘nice and cool’ means to a teenage girl.

A bell trills sharply when she pushes open the glass door. A rush of cold AC blasts against our skin soon as we step into the foyer.

At the tall reception desk stands a man with lengthy brown hair and a long face. He looks a couple years older than me, at least 23ish.

“Hi Jolly!” Perks Stella almost jumping the second her fingertips meet the glossy wood.

My teeth dig into my bottom lip in an attempt to stifle a giggle when I see the man noticeably deflate the moment he hears the shrill chirp of my sister’s 16-year old voice.

He sets down his pen on whatever paperwork he was working on and turns to us, “Hello Stella.” He greets flatly, with a hint of a foreign accent I can’t place yet.

It’s quite obvious that she comes in here often, more than she’s let on – enough for them to be on a first-name basis.

“Jolly, this is my brother Nick, Nick this is Jolly.” She beams at his name, completely smitten with the older boy. If it wasn’t so obvious that he’s irritated by her mere presence, I’d be more protective of her - but she’s perfectly fine. She’s made sure of that herself.

“Hey.” I meekly wave at him.

He acknowledges me with a nod and looks back at her. “What’s up.”

“Well, we need your help!” She rocks up and down on her feet with her hands behind her back.

“Great. What is it you need help with?” His fingertips restlessly patter on the table top, impatiently waiting for her to deliver her pitch faster.

“Go on Nick, show him.” She urges motioning her hand towards him.

I sigh and pull out my phone from my jean’s back pocket, then scroll to find a picture of Noah’s snapped guitar and hand it to the man.

“Could you fix that? Or know someone who could?” I inquire, already feeling as though the trip was hopeless.

His brows pull together as he inspects the picture then uses two fingers to zoom in on the instrument. “Whoever did this really did a number on it.”

“Yeah.” I mumble, scratching the back of my neck. “So, do you think you could fix it?”

“Hmm.” He hums, pulling down his thick-rimmed glasses down his nose. “I can’t say for sure, you’d have to bring it in.”

Air escapes my throat with another sigh, that’s the last thing I wanted to hear. “Okay. I’ll get it in as soon as I can.” Even though I have no idea how I’ll be able to do that without Noah noticing.

He hands me back my phone, “That’s a really rough break.”

“Trust me, I know. Thanks for looking.” My tone suddenly lacking optimism. “And sorry about…” When I turn to point at Stella, I realize she’s not beside me anymore, now shuffling through the various wooden crates of records. “Her.”

He taps his pen against the counter and glances over at her. “It’s fine. She brings friends in. They buy records. Sales are sales.” He shrugs before going back to whatever he was working on before we interrupted him.

Stella doesn’t seem to want to leave anytime soon so I let myself roam around the shop. The majority of the small store is made up of boxes full of records, a mix of old and new. A small, separated section has various instruments strewn about, most of them looking refurbished. The air is pungent with the smell of sandalwood incense, some kind of chemical-y polish, and stale wood.

“Okay! Ready to go!” Stella calls from behind me and when I turn to her she’s holding a record that I recognize.

“Since when do you listen to Nine Inch Nails?” My brow arches up, seeing as she’s only ever been a Taylor Swift type of girl.

She giggles, “Jolly suggested them.”

I take two fingers and pinch the bridge of my nose with a deep sigh, “Okay, whatever, let’s go.”

Stella and I walk into the house and my ears are immediately unsettled by the sounds that fill the house. They’re giggles, some I recognize to be Noah’s but the other is quite … feminine.

The edges of Stella’s lip curl into a mischievous grin, “Oooooh Noah snuck a girl innnn.” She snickers in a sing-song tone.

“Go to your room Stella.” I order, mostly because her tone irritated me but also because I don’t want her to see what’s behind the cracked door.

She gives me a glare, “You’re just jealous that he’s getting some and you’re not.”

“Go. To. Your. Room.” I repeat sternly through gritted teeth.

“Fine, whatever. Be the party pooper you always are.” She huffs before turning down the hall and slamming the door behind her when gets to her room.

I blink at the doorknob as her words sear into my chest. I question even interrupting until another giggle pierces my eardrums.

I’m precarious with the way I approach the cracked door and peer in. Noah and the girl from the party, Kassidy, next to each other on the bed with open textbooks and notebooks littered about. They’re laughing at something but all I can focus on is her hand on his thigh. An odd twist forms in my abdomen, somewhere between my ribs and my gut. It makes me feel sick, like I ate some gas station sushi.

My knuckle taps on the door and creaks it open. “Hey.”

“Oh, hey Nick!” Noah seems surprised to see me but not necessarily upset by my presence, which for some reason eases the knot in my chest. “I heard a door slam did-”

It’s not until the blonde waves at me with the hand that’s not glued to Noah’s thigh that I realize the anger staining my fingertips.

“Noah, can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask through a fake smile.

“Sure.” He nods, “Be right back, Kass.”

Once the bedroom door clicks behind him, I feel myself begin to unravel.

“Does my mom know you’re bringing girls home?” I question, my voice coming out much harsher than intended.

“No…?” He answers. “I figured I would just do what we always did with each other? Sneak in.”

“Okay well, I don’t appreciate you bringing girls into my room. Please tell me you guys didn’t do anything in my bed.” The words shoot from me, quick and sharp, like acid bullets.

His face falls and I see the light behind his warm eyes dim.

Fuck

I regret the words the second I realize my mistake. Though I suppose on some level, deep down, I knew that the word choice would hurt him, but I said it anyway.

I said it anyway.

I was so upset that I said it anyway.

“No?” He replies sounding a bit offended at the accusation, even though it’s not out of the realm of possibility. “I wouldn’t do that in your bed.”

The impulse to lash back is there, bubbling just under my skin, but I have no reason to be angry. No valid, explainable reason. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Lie.

“Right.” Noah says softly but with a slight edge. “Well, I” He thumbs over his shoulder. “Um, she was just about to leave so.”

“Okay.” I reply quietly, suddenly overwhelmed with an odd mixture of anger and guilt.

While Noah escorts the girl out to say goodbye, I begin tidying up the room. Noah is pretty clean thankfully, so the room itself is clean, but I can’t shake the feeling of something oddly foreign within the four walls. The room suddenly feels so dirty and the taste on my tongue is sour like expired milk. My eyes land on the bed sheets and my stomach feels like I had drank expired milk – maybe 3 whole gallons of it. My mind struggles to account for the food I had eaten today but fails. Surely that is the reason for my abrupt nausea.

Before I can even process my actions, my fingers hungrily latch onto the bed sheets, snapping each fitted corner off the mattress. Heavy textbooks and pens hit the floor with a loud crash.

Despite having just washed them, I’m absolutely positive that they’re filthy.

Maybe they smelled too much like stagnant laundry this morning

Maybe they were making me itchy last night

Maybe I developed an allergy to our detergent

Maybe it’s been too warm and I soaked them in sweat

Or maybe I just want to clean the fucking sheets.

“Oh,” Noah’s gentle voice startles me from the doorway. His eyes trail up from the mess on the floor to the balled-up sheets beneath my palms. “Um, did I accidentally get highlighter on them or something?”

“Nope.” I’m quick to answer. “Just wanna wash ‘em.”

His brows furrow still looking at where my hands keep the shape of the large sphere of material. “Oh. Um, well. I just washed them like 2 or 3 days ago?”

“It’s fine, I just want to wash them again.” I respond shortly.

“Okay… well, let me do it then.” He crosses the space between us going for the sheets but I pull away.

“No. I got them, thanks.” I avoid him by swerving around his thin body and head towards the door.

“Well, what can I do? I could mop again or… reorganize the fridge? Or…” He trails off, not being able to come up with much else.

“No, Noah. It’s Stella’s turn to mop and who the fuck offers to reorganize a fridge?” I snap at him from the doorway, “You don’t need to be cleaning the house 24/7, okay?”

His eyes falter but he nods “Oh, sorry, I um, I just wanna be doing my part. You know… earn my keep and all that? I just… wanna help.”

My face softens and the tight muscles in my shoulders ease. I feel guilt all over again.

I sigh. “I’m sorry – I just - I just had a bad week with school and with the shop and,” I pause. “I didn’t mean to snap at you, okay?”

He nods and the edges of his mouth upturn ever so slightly into a tight-lipped smile. “Okay.” He pauses, fidgeting with his fingers. “Sorry about Kassidy. I should’ve asked.” He says quietly while his eyes drop to his anxious hands.

The tips of my fingers curl into the sheets a bit, a stream of… frustration maybe? shoots through my veins. “It’s okay. I just don’t want my mom to get mad.”

A half lie.

“Right.”

When I turn to leave, he stops me, “Oh – I wanted to ask you something?”

My eyes widen while still turned away from him. A chill rolls up my spine at the realization that we’ve barely spoken since yesterday morning, when his hand was around my cock.

“Um sure, what’s up?” I turn back to him cautiously.

“Well, the fair is in town this weekend, I thought we could go? You know, me, you and Folio?”

I smile at him, relieved it wasn’t about something else. “Sure, sounds fun.”

-Friday Night-

When Folio comes to pick us up, I immediately regret agreeing to carpool. The passenger side door flings open with yet another blonde in the front seat. This one a bit more of a natural, darker blonde and not nearly as bobblehead-like. She looks vaguely familiar, maybe she was one of the wannabe sorority girls from the frat party.

I sigh when I glance over to my busted blue car that’s been acting up every morning since the cold weather’s been getting closer.

The girl smiles wide at us and gets out so we can fold her chair to get to the backseat.

We squeeze our way to the back and naturally, Noah’s mile-long limbs take up most of the room.

The thick distinctive stench of paper-wrapped nicotine coats the cracking plastic of his car doors and the pungent aroma of $10-per-gram weed oozes from the stained beige seats.

Even though Nick brought his ‘friend’, I feel decent about the fair tonight. I mean these are the things we should be doing, right? Going out is what college kids do.

The girl hands back a plastic bottle wrapped in brown paper and Noah hungrily takes it.

“Vodka.” She says simply with a dazed smile.

“Cool.” Noah grins, though I know he’s never tasted pure vodka in his life.

He puts the bottle to his lips and tips it back, immediately scrunching his face in disgust at the taste. If it was just us, I know he would’ve spit it out.

He wipes his mouth off with the back of his hand, “Not bad.” He lies straight through his teeth.

Noah tips the bottle offering it to me. I shake my head and wave it off, “No, I’m good thanks.”

“Oh, c’mooonn Nick, don’t be a wuss.” Noah whines.

“Yeah Nick, loosen up! Have some fun!” Folio perks up from the driver's seat and watches me in the rearview mirror.

The last time he told me to “loosen up”, he ended up floundering in a lake so it hardly has an enticing ring to it.

“No really.” I reaffirm. “Not for me.”

Noah tsk’s and rolls his eyes, “You’re no fun.”

The words hit me square in the chest and my ribs mold around the letters like playdoh.

You’re no fun.

They’re simple words. Logically, I know they’re mostly a joke. Yet, they burn like a lit match colliding with white paper.

You’re no fun.

We’ve been friends for a long time. Long enough to sit in boring silence scrolling on our phones comfortably for hours. But now I’m no fun because I won’t drink out of a foreign bottle?

The searing in my lungs forces my hand to reach and snatch the bottle from him abruptly. I don’t think, I just do. I take the bottle to my lips and tilt my head back with scrunched-closed eyes. I chug, better he did and better than the girl, until the scorching of my throat gets too much.

I shove the bottle back at him, now an extra quarter empty. His face and every other face in the car seem shocked, eyes wide with slightly dropped jaws.

“What?” I hiss and let out a vodka-singed burp. “You told me to have fun.”

Nick’s wheels roll to a halt in the dirt of the fair’s extended parking. The crowded car disperses faster than I anticipated, leaving me alone in the empty car. I stumble out of my seat and precariously steady myself in the dirt to scan the parking lot for the group. The four of them are already ahead of me, nearly halfway to the entrance. Their laughter carries in the wind all the way back over to me.

Once I catch up, I trail behind them quietly. My hands stuffed in my pockets and my Vans kicking up dry dirt, just trying to focus on walking in a straight line.

As we approach the ticketing office, my heart plummets to my stomach when I see two familiar girls standing at the gate waiting for us.

I should’ve known.

“Nicholas, you remember Brooke, right?” Noah grins and gestures to the carbon copy of every other sorority girl on campus.

“Yeah. Hey.”

That’s when I notice the delay in my words and the lag between my fingertips as I wave to her. And as we buy our tickets and make our way into the fair, I catch the warmth all over my skin and the growing numbness in my lips.

I think I’m drunk. Really drunk.

We make a solid lap around the entire park – picking up random snacks here and there, some fried oreos, a shared funnel cake, slushees, and more I can’t even remember. All the fried food mixed with the couple spin-y rides and the alcohol sloshing in my stomach, I was more than ready for an actual meal. I convinced everyone on hotdogs since it’s the cheapest food here and I’d already spent a good chunk of my tip money on ride tickets and overpriced junk food.

When we reach the window of the hotdog stand we’re met with a familiar face.

“Bryan!” Exclaims Folio, excited to see his fraternity mentor.

As always, Bryan looks about as thrilled as a mother of toddler triplets after a candy bender.

“Trout.” He replies unenthusiastically with his monotone cadence matching the deep sleep-deprived purple beneath his eyes.

Normally I would’ve giggled at Folio’s ridiculous nickname but my body was too focused on sustenance.

“Two hotdogs and fries please.” I skip past the rest of the indecisive group.

“We’re out of fries.” He replies flatly.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

He just shrugs, unbothered.

“Fine. Just the hotdogs then.” I huff.

“Coming right up.” He feigns enthusiasm.

The rest of the group place their orders and I can’t help but find amusement in how comical Bryan looks. He’s uniformed in a hotdog themed apron and a silly hotdog visor.

We finally make our way to a painted blue picnic table that sits off to the side away from the busy crowd. I’m grateful for the small respite from the overwhelming, overstimulating chatter.

I fucking hate hotdogs. Usually.

But the minute that meat and bread combo meets my tastebuds, it is as though heaven itself found home in my mouth.

The rest of table fades out as I devour my food and it is only when I’ve finished my 2nd dog that start regaining consciousness. I glance over at the boys who are in the midst of telling some story that’s got all the girls laughing.

My eyes land on Kassidy. She’s giggling at every single thing Noah says and he’s looking at her like she hung the moon.

No matter how tacky or annoying she is, she’s still objectively beautiful – beautiful in a way I could never be.

The way she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, makes me want long blonde hair too. When she bats her fake lashes at him, it makes me wish mine were longer. Her nails adorned with white tips suddenly make my nailbeds feel bare. The foundation caked on her face reminds me of the breakout I have on my cheek and the stubble growing beneath my nostrils. All at once I’m disappointed with every bit of myself that isn’t like her.

A fleeting moment of curiosity passes pondering if this is what it feels like to question your gender. It had never crossed my mind to be anything other than male, nothing else I ever desired. I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body or anything of the sort – so, I don’t quite think that’s what I’m feeling now.

Maybe I just envy her existence or how confident she is. Maybe I find her attractive? It’d be kinda shitty if I found her attractive, seeing as she’s Noah’s date and I’m here with Brooke. I don’t think it’s that either, since I can barely tolerate either of them.

Perhaps I’m just drunk and confused.

I must just be drunk and confused.

Once the food settles in my tummy, I feel significantly better, a little nauseous still but better nonetheless. My buzz has fizzled, but the tips of my fingers still tingle and words are still hard.

I quietly use a leftover bun to move around a glob of ketchup as entertainment. Noah’s always been the social one, he’s always been the connections, the glue. So, it’s no surprise that he’s captured the attention of the whole table, filling the air with collective drunken giggles. Normally though, he helps nudge me gently into conversations. He helps me not stay silent like I am now. It’s fine though, I don’t have much to contribute since they have all these inside jokes from their study group.

I snap out of my daze when I hear Folio crunch a coke can in his hand as he gets up from the table. There’s an emptiness beside me I hadn’t felt til now – Brooke is gone.

My gaze follows the group as they get up from the table to bring their trash to the overflowing garbage can.

“Where did Brooke go?” I ask to the general conglomerate, most of which pay no mind to me.

“She left to go meet up with some other friends.” Noah replies, his tone suggests that he’s downplaying the situation. I’m sure she wasn’t having fun with a half-drunk silent boy.

‘You’re no fun’ rings in my head from earlier in the car.

2 things I’ve learned from tonight are:

1 – eat hotdogs when drunk.

2 – pretending to be “fun” is really fucking exhausting.

“Oh.” I say quietly, matching their actions by tossing my flimsy paper plate and Dr. Pepper can into the trash.

“We’re heading towards the bigger rides, if you want to come.” He turns and follows the rest of the group through some carnival game tents.

‘If you want to’ I mimic him in my head.

No I don’t fucking want to but I was driven here and I’m stranded.

“Yeah.” I mumble and quickly jog to meet them ahead of me.

The others made their way to the short ferris wheel line after I insisted it was okay to leave me behind. I sure as fuck didn’t want to sit in a pod alone or 3rd wheel on one of their’s.

I watch Noah and Kassidy’s pod reach and stop at the peak of the small ferris wheel, I don’t know why I’m watching but my body is rooted where I stand. Upon it’s a slow descent down, I see it.

His hand cupping her face. Their lips locked.

It’s not a decision I make until their pod locks at the gate and they’re being let out. My foot swivels in the dirt, kicking up dying grass as I try to dip around various family-owned booths for cover. As feared, I hear him calling from behind. I knew I had messed up by making a run for it so late.

“Nicholas!”

His calling only makes my legs move faster – I’m not sure exactly why I’m running or what good it’ll do, just that I need to get as far away from him as possible.

He catches up to me faster than I was prepared for. Fall leaves crunch beneath his worn-out Converse. “Where are you going?” He asks and before I even turn around to see him, I know the look on his face. The same look that I can’t seem to ever say no to – the one that breaks my back just to make me bend to him.

I sigh and turn to him. “Noah, I’m going home.”

“What! Why?”

And there it was. Big, round, puppy dog eyes full of decadent chocolate so sweet it could rot the teeth right out of your skull - paired with pouted lips that demand pity and restitution.

“I’m not having fun. I don’t want to be here.”

“What? You told me you wanted to go to the fair?” He questions with curved eyebrows.

“No. I didn’t. You invited me. You told me that I wanted to go. You tricked me into being on a triple date I didn’t want to be on.” My arm gesturing towards the fair.

“Well, c’mon we can still make it fun! We can just get some more ride tickets and-” He grabs the sleeve of my flannel and tugs at it towards the fair.

I yank my arm back so hard it nearly pulls him back with it, “No you’re not listening to me Noah. I don’t want to be here. Why do you continue to bring me places that you KNOW I won’t like?”

“We’ve been to the fair a million times, Nick.” He crosses his arms over his chest.

“Yeah! With just us! Not with three random fucking girls!” The churning in my chest begins to spit drunken thoughts out without filters.

His brows knit together in confusion. “They’re not random girls Nicholas, and I really thought you’d hit it off with Brooke-”

“Oh my god, why the fuck would you think I’d get along with her? Just because she’s got tits and ass? Sorry, I’m not you, I need a little more than that.” I scoff.

“Well, I-I don’t know just thought you’d want-”

“Augh!” I groan and pace a tiny lap around the grass. “Can you stop assuming you know what I do or don’t want?”

“So, let me get this straight. You don’t want to go to parties, or the fair, or hang out with girls… normal college stuff, you don’t want?”

My heart pounds hard against my eardrums and my fingers burn with frustration. My fists tighten at my sides and my jaw clenches, digging each row of teeth into the other. Molten lava threatens to spill from my throat.

“No, Noah. I guess I don’t want ‘normal college stuff’, I don’t fucking like alcohol and I don’t even know if I like girls!”

My yelled words tumbled from my mouth so easily I didn’t even realize I said anything that odd until Noah’s eyes widen.

I don’t even know if I like girls.

“What?” Noah asks softly and genuinely with his head tilted slightly.

“I-I,” I stumble back, accidentally hitting an oak tree behind me. “I’m- I just need to go home.”

“Nick.” His hands stretch out to grab my arm as I turn to leave but he’s a millisecond too late. “Nick!” He calls after me.

Every bit of adrenaline available in my body propels me forward, past all the booths, all the rides, and through all the neighboring forest. When my feet finally find asphalt, my head feels like a basketball on a player’s fingertip. My eyes widen at a sharp turn in my stomach. I analyze my surroundings in a split second, running towards a lamp post for support. The moment my palm touches the cold metal, I double over and empty the contents of my stomach onto the concrete. The funnel cake, the cotton candy, the fried Oreos, the slushees, and the goddamn fucking hotdogs all found home the sidewalk.

I don’t even know if I like girls.

Why would I say that?

Is that true?

Do I not like girls?

Of course, I like girls.

I wobble over to a bench and sit on the cool wood. The weather’s a lot colder now that the sun has set, and I regret not bringing a proper jacket.

I like girls. I know I like girls. Right?

I mean, I’ve been jerking off to girls… this whole time? So, if I didn’t like girls, why would I do that?

I like girls.

Only.

I like girls.

Right?

I shake my head of the thoughts spinning faster than I can even grasp.

The dim light of the street lamp flickers and it occurs to me that it’s almost 10 pm and I have no idea where I am or how to get home.

Fuck.

Pulling my location up in my Maps app tells me that I’m still fairly close to the fair, which unfortunately means I’m pretty far from home. Tears begin prickling in my eyes and a tight knot forms in my throat.

The weight of the night crashes down onto me all at once.

The “you’re no fun”

The fucking hot dogs

The “she went to meet other friends”

The “if you want to”

The ferris wheel

The “I don’t even know if I like girls”

“Fuck.” My voice cracks as tears take hostage of my cheeks.

My body doubles over, folding in on itself to bury my face in my hands.

I’m drunk, I had a shit night, I left my best friends at the fair and now I’m stranded on some random street.

Even through my own heaving, a brief pang of guilt shoots in my stomach for leaving Noah behind.

He wanted to have a good night, perhaps I ruined it.

In the past, I would’ve stayed feeling guilty because I knew for a fact that if the roles were reversed, he’d come back to find me. But now, I’m not so sure. I don’t think he’d leave Kassidy for anyone or anything.

Not even me.

My palms try to stave off the tears by digging into my eye sockets.

“Fuck, okay. I need to get it together.” I say out loud to myself, letting out a deep exhale. “What the fuck am I gonna do.”

Both of my only friends are still at the fair.

Mom is at work.

So that leaves me with…

Stella.

“Shit.”

I unwillingly pull myself from the bench and begin to pace back and forth taking fast but deep breaths. I ring out my hands out, trying to expel any sort of panic from them. The last thing I need is for her to see me like this.

Finally, once I’ve composed myself, I dig my phone out of my pocket and click her contact name “Snot”.

It rings for a little bit too long and I almost hang up just before she answers.

“Hello?” She asks a little louder than necessary, shortly after I hear a flood of giggles in the background. Her sleepover.

“Hey.” I barely get out without my voice cracking.

“Hey, what’s up?” She asks with concern lacing her voice. There’s the sound of a door closing behind her, shutting out the chatter.

“Oh um-“ My tone pitched up and I feel tears welling up in my eyes again. If the rest of tonight’s events weren’t enough, here I am making a fool out of myself to my little sister. “I forgot about your sleepover. It's fine – I’ll just walk home or something.”

“Walk home? Where are you?”

I swallow the knot in my throat trying to keep my voice level, normal and calm but my pause is long and loud.

“I-I,” My eyes squeeze shut pushing as much of my tears out. “I don’t know.”

“Did you drink?”

The back of my hand roughly wipes my nose. “Yes.”

“Are you with Noah?” Her voice is gentle and kind and reminds me of how our mother would talk to us when we scraped our knees.

I sniffle and my voice threatens to break once more. “No.”

“Okay.” She states as if she just got handed a checklist of effortless tasks. “The girls were just about to go home.” I know that’s a lie. “Drop me a pin and I’ll come get you.”

“Thanks Stell.” I reply quietly.

“Of course.”

It took about 20 minutes for Stella to pick me up in my own car.

My arms wrap around my shivering body and my head rests on the window as I watch the streetlights zoom past us. Her speed is inconsistent, fast in short bursts then slow in long drags. Her stops are jerky and her turns wide. If this was an early Tuesday school morning, she wouldn’t be able to stop my mouth from rambling off critiques. But tonight, opening my mouth seems more dangerous than her driving.

“So. Do you wanna talk about what happened?” She cuts through the silence unapologetically, like opening a crisp can of Coke in a dead, silent room.

I shake my head.

“C’mon. You can’t really expect me to pick you up in the middle of nowhere at midnight without any context?” She patters her fingertips on the steering wheel and glances over at me. “Did something happen with Noah? Did you get into a fight?”

“Something like that.” I mutter.

She squints her eyes and kind of tilts her head to the side. “You guys never fight?”

“Well.” I reply bluntly. “Things change, I guess.” The fabric of the seat cover stretches as I shift. “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

The gears spin in her head, I can almost see them. “Weird.” She mumbles under her breath. “Was it about a girl?”

“I said I’m done answering questions.”

“Sheesh, okay.” She says defensively.

Silence fills every empty space in the car. I’m not sure I’ve ever been uncomfortable around my sister before, but I certainly am now. It’s a new feeling, something I want to run and hide from. My knee bounces nervously as my mind cycles through everything that happened tonight. Regardless of anxiety and confusion twisting my organs into pretzels, I fear that if I don’t say what’s chanting in my head right now, I could explode.

“I told Noah that I don’t even know if I like girls.” I blurt out with extreme urgency, as if I didn’t get it out now, I never would.

Her eyes widen a bit but they stay focused on the road. My heart thumps hard against my chest threatening to jump right out.

“Okay.” She says calmly but cautiously. “And why did you say that?”

“I-I don’t know.” I let the weight of my body finally relax and sink into the seat. “You’ve known me my whole life. Do you think that I… might not only like girls?”

She turns to me at a red light and the face she gives me reminds me of when she was 4 and I was 7, when I speculated that Santa might not be real. Without a second thought she replied, “Of course he’s not real, silly.”

Even at 4 years old she was smarter than me.

“I think that might be a question you have to figure out yourself, Nick. I can’t tell you what you do or don’t like.”

I huff, suddenly frustrated that I couldn’t hand off such a complex task onto someone else – that I couldn’t have someone else give me a quick, solid, factual answer.

“I guess you’re right.” I mumble.

She returns her focus to the road and lets out a little sigh. “Do you remember when we were little? And we liked Power Rangers?”

“…Yeah?” I reply confused as to what exactly Power Rangers has to do with my sexuality.

“Well, I remember the first time we watched it - and you thought it was so stupid.”

“No I didn’t? I loved Power Rangers?”

“No.” She corrects me. “At first, when it was just us, you thought it was dumb. But then all your friends started liking it and suddenly you did too. You even wanted to be the red one for the group costume that Halloween, remember?”

“Okay… and? What are you getting at?”

“I can’t tell you what you are or aren’t, Nick. But you’re right - I have known you my whole life. And I know that sometimes you change things about yourself to, I don’t know… not make waves? Not stand out? To fit in? I don’t know your reasoning and I don’t know if that’s what you did with this. But… just something to think about I guess?”

My fingers tap at my knee in thought. I don’t really remember that specific component, only that I had Power Ranger shirts and bedsheets. I remember playing with the figures on the playground with friends and running around the neighborhood with them on Halloween as the Red Ranger. If I was having fun, does it really matter if I didn’t actually like Power Rangers?

“Yeah… I guess it’s something to think about.” I let out a deep sigh. “How’d you get so smart anyway?”

She shoots me a smile, “I learned from the best.”

“Nope, definitely not me. That was all Mom.”

“Who did you think I meant?” She smirks.

“Ha-ha so funny.” I roll my eyes with a toothy grin, finally feeling the tiniest sliver of ease enter my body.

The relaxation slipped from me as quickly as it arrived. “Please don’t um, tell her…or anyone that we talked about this – especially Noah.”

“You got it. I would never.”

I somehow feel relieved yet terrified of what I’ve just divulged to her.

“Do you wanna get donuts from that 24-hour place? And maybe some water for your inevitable hangover?”

“God yes please.” My thumbs rub circles into my throbbing temples. “And a burger please, jesus I need a burger. And fries, I need fries more than air right now.”

“Fiiine, McDonalds too, I guess.”

“Thanks, Stell.” I say soft and genuine.

“Of course, Nick.”

I smile kindly at her. Tomorrow I’ll probably regret everything I said and did tonight but right now, I’m getting junk food with my sister at midnight and the world is quiet. Everything feels okay, even if it only lasts until the end of my Mcdonald’s.

I wave Stella goodnight as she walks into her room. With a twist of my doorknob, I open my door and my feet halt in their tracks. My swollen eyes widen at the last thing I expected to be in my room.

“What are you doing here?” I question before I can even really gauge my own reaction.

Noah sits on the edge of the bed still in the same outfit from the fair.

“I went looking for you.” His brown eyes find mine and it makes my chest ache the same way it did earlier on the bench.

“You did?” My square shoulders soften briefly before straightening back up again. “And why would you do that?” I snap at him.

The space between his brows burrows slightly, seemingly confused by my harsh response. “Well, I-I,” He presses his lips together while his fingers pick at his nails. “I was worried about you.”

My eyes dart down to the carpet and try to ignore the way my heart swells at his words. I swallow hard and curl my fists at my sides. “Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

“Oh okay…” He trails off and lets his gaze drop to his fiddling hands and bouncy leg. “I just wanted to make sure, I guess.”

“Okay well, you’ve made sure. Now I really just wanna go to bed, if that’s okay with you.” I cross all of the two feet from the doorway to my dresser and forcefully yank the top drawer open.

He carefully lifts from the bed and meets me where I dig for clothes. “Nicholas.” His voice is gentle and full of concern, but no matter how much it should comfort me it just fans the flames of my resentment.

“What now, Noah.” I sigh harshly and turn to him.

“What did you mean at the fair?”

After the food adventures I had with Stella, it had almost erased what I had said from my memory. Too bad it couldn’t have done that to him too. I was really banking on him being too drunk to even remember. But I should know better than that – Noah and his very selective memory.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I feign confidence and turn back away from him to focus on finding PJs. My chest and limbs fill with a feeling similar to sitting in the waiting room of a principal’s office. Suddenly, I’m small and the room triples in size while the oxygen rapidly depletes.

“You know what I’m talking about Nick.” His fingers gently grab my arm to turn my attention to him again. “Do you… not like girls? Do you think you’re-”

“Gah! No!” I all but spit out. The thought of what he was about to say makes me want to vomit all over again. “No, I’m not…that.”

“O-oh, okay…but if you were, you know you could tell me, right? You know you can tell me anything, like we’ve always done.” His voice is quiet and tender, even through the vodka I can still smell on his breath.

“Oh my god Noah.” I grasp at the air in frustration. “No. I just said it to, to throw you off. So you’d let me go, so you’d leave me the fuck alone.”

“Oh.” His hand slips from my arm and he takes a step away from me.

If this was any other night, after any other event, I would apologize, minimize it, and say that I’m just having a bad night. But it’s not any other night and I don’t have enough energy in my entire body to make more excuses.

My fingers dig into the bundle of PJs I hold, and my stare stays straight on his chest. “I just, want to take a shower and go to bed. Okay?”

“Right.” He sucks his teeth and nods. “Okay, enjoy your shower then.”

“I will, thanks.” I reply blandly, shoving the overflowing drawer closed.

The world seems much lighter now that the thick layer of carnival muck, the remnants of alcohol and vomit were washed down the drain. I scrunch my hair with a terry cloth towel while I walk to my room from the shower.

I’m confused to find my door cracked open with the big light still shining through the door. I spent almost an hour trying to get all the grime off and let the water ease the pulsing in my head. Surely, Noah wouldn’t still be up, it’s almost 3 am.

I quietly creak the door open to find the bed empty.

“Huh?” I whisper to myself and make my way over to the disheveled bed. Noah’s nowhere to be found, but instead there’s a plushy on his pillow. I hook my finger through the plastic carabiner attached to it and lift it to my eyeline. It’s a stuffed tuxedo cat with sunglasses that look similar to the knockoff RayBans I usually wear.

I look back at the pillow and notice there was a note beneath it. I pick it up and unfold it with the cat dangling on my pinky.

‘Saw this at the fair and thought of you.

Went to stay over at Kassidy’s so, you can have your room back for the night.

-N’

The breath that escapes from deep in my torso seems to deflate me completely. I knew the slip of up of my words the other day hurt him, more than I thought. A vine of thorns wraps around my throat, each guilt-drenched spike digs into my windpipe. He left because of me.

I take a precarious seat on the edge of the bed, holding each item in each hand. My palm aches to crush the note in my fingers but my eyes burn with salty tears too. All while the cat swells my chest in the saddest way possible. How could someone feel so many things at once?

I have no screams, no yells, no sobs left in me and my body begs for rest. I can’t let myself wallow in whatever this is, how could I make sense of it now? When my brain is so hazy and my eyes are so sleepy.

I use the back of my hand to wipe away the tiny bit of tears left in my eyes and set the note and the stuffed kitty on my bedside table. The bed creaks when I bury my knee into the mattress and let myself fall to the middle.

The bed feels colder and emptier without him in it, but right now I’m not sure this is where I want him to be.

I reach up to tug the lamp light off and pull the duvet around my shivering body.

After about 20 mins of stirring with no hope of falling asleep, I give in and just stare into the stillness of the room. My eyes finally adjust to the darkness and start making a sort of mental inventory list counting all of the items scattered around my room that aren’t mine. I try to remember what the room looked like before he moved in, but I can’t.

While there are growing pains, I can’t imagine my room without him in it anymore. He’s tangled himself into the very essence of the space.

Drawing my gaze across the room, I land on the kitty he’d gotten for me at the fair. I reach across the space and bring it to the bed, placing it in his spot.

It fills a tiny void in the vast emptiness of the bed and for about 15 minutes I cling to the minor comfort it brings, believing it might help me fall asleep.

I let out a frustrated sigh. The heaviness of the night drops onto my shoulder blades and finds refuge beneath my eyes. Once again a venomous coil tightens itself around my ribs.

It is mostly confusion that I feel, the only factor I can distinctly pick out.

The only other one I can somewhat recognize is, loneliness.

I glance back over to the cat and it dawns on me the possible reason I can't fall asleep. My fingertips tap rhythmically against the mattress cycling through my options until I find one.

I wrap my thick duvet around my body and grab my pillow before shuffling down the hall. I gently tap my knuckle against her door then crack it open just a bit.

“Stella.” I whisper-yell into her room. “Stella.”

She shifts in her bed and cracks one eye open at me. “Hm?” She groans sleepily.

I let myself in and scuffle across the carpet to her bedside. “Can I sleep on your floor?” I request in a hush.

“What? Why?” Her brows knit together with her eyes barely open. “What’s wrong with your bed?”

I chew on my bottom lip searching my brain for an answer that makes any sense but there’s only one.

“It’s empty.”

Next Chapter -> 06 - Like Us*

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Thank you for the support on this series and on my other series, Virality. I appreciate it more than you know. I love reading your comments and asks. I am incredibly grateful for them, thank you.

#i have edited this so many times and it got so long #sorry if there’s errors or is bad idk 😭#im honestly just really sick of editing and looking at it #longest chapter i’ve ever written for any of my series-es ever #as always lots of plot lots of dialogue #concreteburialplot works #intertwined series #nicholas ruffilo fanfic #nicholas ruffilo fic #nick ruffilo fanfiction #noah x nick #noah sebastian smut #noah sebastian fanfic #noah sebastian x nicholas ruffilo #nicholas ruffilo smut #noah x nicholas #noah x nicholas fanfic #bad omens fanfic #bad omens fic

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tired-teacher-blog · 2 years ago

Note

Bonjour 💫, I hope this is not adding to a moutain of stuff you have to do but I do remember something that I thought was fun 🌺 And for once it's fluff lmao unless you wanna spice it lol which is fine 😂

Basically Y/n coming to her ( / their ) boyfriend and give them flowers. My favorite characters are too much lol and I don't want to overwhelm putting them all but just to show them ( Izuku, Katsuki, Shoto, Denki, Kirishima, Tamaki, Itoshi, Neito, Dabi, Tomura ) but let's just go for the colorful ones because it's a LOT 😂 ( Our boys are the same age as in the season 6 but now I'm thinking that people are not monir anymore and I too 😂 canon personnality because it's cool 💎 )

As awlays no pressure and take your time ( only if you want to write )

Bonsoir ma belle 😘 how about all of them? It was a challenge I'm not gonna lie 😂 I was mainly afraid of repeating myself so I kept going back to reread what I've written so something like that wouldn't happen. I kept their personalities as canon as possible (like I usually do) but I changed a tiny something here, which is their age. I know you requested their canon age but tbh I'm more comfortable making them older (with the exception of Dabi and Shiggy who are already 20+ years old) but you won't really notice the difference so I hope this is fine.

For you

Characters : Bakugo/ Shouto/ Izuku/ Shinsou/ Amajiki/ kaminari/ Kirishima/ Monoma/ Dabi/ Shigaraki/ Fem reader

Genre : Fluff/ Suggestive in a few parts/ imagines

Please do not read if you're a minor

Masterlist|Second Masterlist

Bakugo :

_ "What's this?" he sounded a bit confused while eying the bouquet you held in your arms.

_ "This is for you, here." you pushed the beautifully selected blooms against his chest and offered him an equally beautiful smile.

_ "Yeah but, what's the occasion?" you were practically able to see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to remember what he could have missed.

Was it his birthday? Valentine's day? Your anniversary? No, it was none of them.

_ "There is this cute little flower shop on my way home, and it sells the most beautiful roses so I wanted to surprise you with this." you seemed incredibly bashful as your head hung low, wondering if he actually hated them, or if he would give you one of his usual snarky remarks.

Your self confidence dropped to the ground in an instant, and you seriously considered playing it off as a joke, however..

_ "You're really cute you know that?" did he really mean those words?

He held the bouquet in one hand and used the other to gently lift your chin up and place a soft peck on your flushed cheek, "I love them, thank you so much beautiful," he murmured faintly, lips gliding along your skin until they reached your smiling ones, "kiss," was his sole warning to you, before stealing your breath away with a deep passionate liplock.

Shouto :

_ "For me?" he blinked innocently, tilting his head to the side.

_ "Yeah! Do you like it?" you were practically jumping in excitement as you watched him hugging the bouquet to his chest.

_ "I do, of course I do, it's from you after all." he replied with a smile as he grabbed your hand and pulled you closer to him.

He did not demand further explanation, didn't need to, he was just happy to receive something as beautiful from you.

His mismatched irises gazed into yours for a moment, a gaze full of love and appreciation, one that you returned with the same sentiments they reflected.

All he wanted at that moment was to kiss you, to feel your warmth against himself, -and so he did- leaning in slowly to capture your anticipating lips.

It was soft, almost as soft as the delicate petals of those beautiful roses you brought for him, and you got lost in it at once.. lost in him.

_ "I'm so happy you liked them Shouto," you breathed out shakily before kissing him again, a gentle peck on the tip of his nose, bringing out that adorable chuckle you loved so much.

_ "I would love anything from you sweetheart."

Kirishima :

"Hi babe, how was your day tell me! I'll be home a bit later than expected today as well and I'll bring food with me so just relax until I'm there. I love you."

You reread his text and sighed in despair as you gazed at the beautiful roses you picked out for him. He's been working long hours lately and it's been affecting him greatly, but even in the midst of it all, he still made sure to call and text you throughout the day to make sure you're doing well.

You wanted to do something nice for him, to try and alleviate the stress he must be feeling lately which is why you purchased that beautiful bouquet as you wished to see that bright smile on his face while presenting it to him, "I have to see him now." you were determined, and couldn't possibly wait until he comes home, so you decided to surprise him instead.

You drove back to his agency, accompanied by a warm meal that you made in a jiffy, in addition to your special little gift..

You knocked on his door after asking his assistant not to notify him of your presence since you wanted to surprise him.

_ "Yeah come in." your heart dropped hearing how tired he sounded, but you kept your smile for him nonetheless.

_ "Is this a bad time Mr Kirishima?" your cheerful voice came as soon as you opened the door, and those were the only words you could utter before being engulfed in his arms.

It happened in a flash that all you could do was allow him to hold and kiss you all over your face.

_ "Alright alright let me breathe Eijiro!" you couldn't control your giggles as you pretended to suffocate in his strong hold.

_ "I'm sorry gorgeous, I'm just so happy to see you." and it wasn't until then that he took notice of what you were carrying.

_ "Oh yeah, I brought dinner and.. something else." you couldn't control your nerves as you handed him the bouquet, taking advantage of the food packs in your hand to change the subject, "oh, so guess what's for dinner!"

_ "This is for me? You brought this for me?" he was clearly not talking about food as his bright eyes admired the bouquet.

_ "Do you like them? You deserve so much more Eijiro." you kissed his cheek and watched as his smile grew wider.

_ "I'm the happiest man alive because you're mine."

Izuku :

You were excited the whole way home as you kept imagining his reaction to your little gift. He would be a blushing mess, -that part was already guaranteed- but what would he say?

_ Y/n.. you brought those, for.. for me?" you guessed right, he was in fact timid as he nervously held the bouquet in his arms.

_ "What do you think of it Izuku? Do you like it? I just wanted to do something nice for you." and at that moment, he wasn't the only one blushing, since the same soft pink shade that was dusting his cheeks duplicated itself onto your own as you spoke.

_ "What.. of course I love them! They're beautiful! I just can't believe you thought of me that much.." he looked adorable as he attempted to hide his face behind the bouquet.

You took a step closer and tried to move the roses -separating you from each other- away, so you could look at him clearly.

You were tempted to fluster him a bit more, as you placed a small peck on his quivering jaw, and another on his heated cheek, "I just wanted to see this cute look on your face Izuku." you murmured faintly, lips caressing his skin and ghosting over his own.

_ "That's mean. Still, I love your gift and I'm about to show you just how grateful I am." and with that, his cute bashful demeanor was instantly replaced with a primal desire that sent blissful goosebumps all over your body.

Hitoshi :

_ "Hitoshi! Are you home?" you called out for your boyfriend as soon as you stepped into your apartment, hoping he would show up and tell you that he's been waiting for you.

And he did, emerging from the bathroom all wet and steamy, wearing nothing but a towel that hung low around his waist. And for a moment you forgot how to speak as your eyes studied his flexing muscles.

_ "Welcome home babe! Oh, what's that you're holding?" he approached you casually, unaware of the indecent thoughts dancing in your head, but you somehow snapped back to your senses and replied quickly.

_ "These are for you, no particular reason I just wanted to get you something pretty." your eyes were locked on the delicate roses as you did not trust the blush threatening to creep up your face.

_ "Something pretty huh? Well I already have you," he spoke suggestively, placing an arm around your waist and pulling you flush against him, forcing the bouquet to squish between your bodies.

_ "Hitoshi, stop it." you meant to scold him for paying little attention to the roses you picked so carefully for him, but your words came out in a little whine that amused the man in front of you.

_ "I'm sorry, but you're so fun to tease," his chuckles were muffled against your forehead as he kissed you gently before moving back to gaze into your eyes, "I really love them sweetheart, you never cease to surprise me."

Shigaraki :

You tiptoed your way out of his room after leaving something unexpected on his bed, you didn't know how he would react to your gift, and didn't dare hand it to him personally so you left it in his room secretly when he wasn't looking.

_ "Y/n, what are you doing here? Were you looking for me?" his voice startled you but you faked nonchalance as you giggled nervously.

_ "Yeah I was.. but it's nothing! I'll see you later." you tried to flee the scene but he was a lot faster than you were, grasping your arm and pinning you in place.

_ "What's the matter y/n? Is everything okay?" he studied your face and awaited a response that never came, "alright come with me."

He dragged you along into his room and closed the door behind you two, and before he could turn around to face you, something strange caught his attention.

_ "Are those.. roses?" he was confused for a moment, brows knitted as he tried to comprehend, until finally everything started making sense in his head, "oh, so that's why you were acting weird huh?"

You gritted your teeth and braced yourself for a scolding or a mockery, but what came instead left you wide eyed and speechless.

_ "They smell really good, I like them." he declared with a smile, holding the colorful blooms in his arms.

You were still quiet, wondering if that wasn't just a figment of your imagination, until you felt his rough palm caressing your cheek, "thank you darling, they're beautiful."

Amajiki :

You giggled softly, leaning against the doorframe and watching him sleep peacefully.

It has been hectic for him lately, with more night shifts added to his already cramped schedule, leaving him with minimal time to relax and even lesser to be with you.

You missed each other too much that even the regular phone calls were no longer enough for either of you, but today was a rare day off for him, one that you decided to take full advantage of.

_ "Tamaki, can you hear me sweetheart?" you felt a little bad for interrupting his well needed shut eye, but you honestly wanted to see and talk to him.

He groaned against his pillow, still unaware of your presence, until you sat down by his side and caressed his bare shoulder.

_ "Tamaki, can you open your eyes for a moment baby?" you whispered your plea and leaned in to kiss his warm skin.

_ "Y/n, hi sweetie.." he slurred a reply while rubbing the sleep from his eyes and blinking repeatedly until you came into focus.

He looked so cute that you couldn't help kissing his pouty lips, "I'm sorry for waking you Tamaki but I promise this won't take long, I just want to give you something and I couldn't wait until later."

_ "What.. yes of course, what is it?" he sat up -still a bit confused- but something in your lap caught his attention, it was a gorgeous bouquet you specifically went out earlier to buy.

_ "This is for you, I hope you like it," you averted your gaze and bit down on your lip nervously, "you have been down lately because of work so I wanted to make you.. smile."

You felt his hand on yours, squeezing lightly, "you did this for me?" and it was barely above a whisper.

You nodded slowly, finally turning around to face him, and placed the beautiful blossoms on the nightstand next to him before standing back up and preparing to leave, "that was all, you can go back to sleep now and I'll wake you up when dinner is ready."

_ "Don't go!" he grabbed your arm and pulled you down again, "stay with me, and don't worry about food, we'll order something later."

You couldn't say 'no' to him, not when he was looking at you with those big hopeful eyes.

You slipped underneath the covers with him, burying your face in the crook of his neck and relaxing in his hold.

_ "Thank you they're beautiful, just like you."

Dabi :

_ "What part of me makes you think that I'm a flower boy?" he looked unimpressed, crossing his arms over his chest as he spoke.

You knew he would react in that exact same way when you decided to buy him roses on your way to see him, so why were you hurt by his words then?

_ "Yeah I know, sorry.. you can throw them away or burn them or whatever." you placed the bouquet on his couch and took a deep breath as you tried to ignore the sharp sting in your heart.

He was right though, roses? For him? The more you thought about it the dumber you felt, so honestly, you were the one to blame..

_ "I'm sorry Touya, let's forget about this," you feigned a smile as you approached him again, "so how was your day? Anything interesting?" you were on the verge of tears as you desperately tried to change the subject, but he saw right through you.

His eyes moved between your pained expression and the forgotten roses that he finally decided to pick up, "these aren't that bad I guess." in reality, he hated them, he hated how disgustingly bright and delicate they were, but what he hated the most was being the reason of your dejection, so if accepting them would bring back your smile, then so be it.

You were so easy to read, so simple to fool and for some reason, the twinkle illuminating your eyes, and the smile reappearing on your face after hearing his words, warmed his heart and relieved him.

So maybe you weren't the only fool there, maybe he was one too, a fool for you.

Monoma :

_ "Oh, these are for me?" he expressed smugly while that usual annoying smirk -that you loved so much- was plastered across his face, "well I guess I deserve them right?" and there it was, that obnoxious laugh again.

_ "Come on don't be a jerk, I knew this was a bad idea," you shook your head and crossed your arms over your chest as you started regretting what you've done, "everyone said I could do better, but I picked you instead." you tried as much as you could to keep a straight face and stifle your laughter.

_ "Of course you did gorgeous, I'm the best of them."

He's a conceited self-centered asshole, so bringing him a gift with no particular occasion would only boost his arrogance. You knew that, but you still wanted to do something nice for him because even a jerk like him still made you happy, he's the love of your life after all.

_ "Yeah yeah I get it." you still feigned annoyance, but deep down you were actually amused.

_ "I'm sorry sweetheart, come here," his chuckles resumed as he dragged you close, nuzzling your neck and breathing in your scent, "hmm.. sweet," his lips lingered there, right above your pulse, and his free arm pulled you even closer to his chest while the other one held the bouquet, "they're beautiful and I love them, thank you love." and that was a rare moment of humbleness that he only dares to show you because you're the one who owns his heart.

Denki :

_ "Yes! Die you bastard! If you think you've got a chance against Chargebolt then you're clearly dreaming!" his loud shouts reached the outside of your shared apartment where you stood, and you let out a knowing chuckle before opening the front door and walking in.

Your days off are usually lazy, warm and cozy, and it's a nice change of pace from your usual stressful lives as pro heroes, which is why you two prefer to spend that precious free time doing typical ordinary things.

_ "I'm back honey!" you called out for him as you placed your shopping bags at the entrance, except for one thing that you kept holding in your arms.

He clearly couldn't hear you due to all of the infernal shooting and explosions coming from the game he was focused on, so you called again and this time it worked.

_ "Oh! Y/n you're back sweetheart!" he seemed like a little puppy who's excited for his owner's return, throwing his game console away and running up to you, "did you have a good time with the girls? I missed you so much! You were gone for so long!" yes, a little puppy.

He was so happy to see you that he failed to notice the colourful roses you held in your arms, until you pushed the fragrant blooms to his chest with a smile, "I'm sorry for being late, here is an apology gift." it was merely an excuse so you would see that sparkle in his eyes.

_ "These are amazing!" he took them off your hands, peppering your cheeks, nose and forehead with sweet little kisses, "you're the best y/n," was what he whispered to you before finally connecting your lips.

@moumouton4

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