#but also just like can’t control my emotions having so many meltdowns at work + home + on this fucking blog

[polyamorouspunk]

I hope I'm like you when I grow up

[jeongyeonluvr]

Hey!! I'm not sure if you're still active here, so if not, sorry. Can you write about Nd!Yuqi being ashamed of herself and Shuhua helping her with this? Also sorry for my bad English, and if you don't want to do it or can't do it, that's okay too

slamming doors

|| cg!Shuhua little/nd!Yuqi

•CW: anger issues, hitting pillow, swearing

i am active just a bit busy rn !! ur english is fine chickpea don’t worry

Yuqi furiously slams the door behind her. Frustrations are too quick to build these days, with work being so constantly demanding of her, both emotionally and physically, it gets harder and harder not to become upset.

She immediately storms to her room, and throws her belongings on the ground, in a fit of anger, belongings be damned. Yuqi stands in the middle of the room, angrily staring down at the ground. There are so many emotions swirling, not just the anger that’s so blatantly shown on her face.

She doesn’t want to acknowledge any of them, she just wants to seep in her anger, and be upset. Everything fades around her as she clenches her fists, climbs onto the very neatly made bed, and starts to hit at the pillows.

She practically sees red, as she sits there, mindlessly hitting the pillows as frustrated tears stream down her face. She’s let everything build and build without ever bringing attention to the way she feels. A bad habit she hasn’t been able to break yet.

Yuqi keeps hitting, even as her arms grow weary and tired. On one hand, all the rage boiling in her blood feels right. She wants to be angry forever, to never have to face her problems and just yell, and scream for the rest of all time. But on the other hand, she’s tired, her anger always leads to some sort of mass exhaustion. She lets out a shout, as her arms finally grow too tired to continue on. Yuqi hangs her head low, as she angrily wipes away the tears flowing down her face, as she sniffles. All the emotions she’s let bottle up inside for the past months, is finally coming to a crescendo. Before she can dissolve into a fit of sobs, there’s footsteps coming from the doorframe. 

Yuqi freezes, as her blood runs cold. She knows whos footsteps those are. 

“Yuqi-” Shuhua’s voice rings in the silence of the room. Her voice is a mix of concern, and comfort all at once. 

“Don’t.” Yuqi growls, her hands balling into fists for the second time tonight. Her head still hangs low, as she takes a shaky breath.

There’s more footsteps quickly approaching the bed, and the last thing Yuqi wants is Shuhua to be here while she’s having this... fit. This meltdown that’s simply been waiting to happen for months on end. She doesn’t want Shuhua to coddle her through this. To hold her, care for her... to make things better. No. She doesn’t need this, she doesn’t need Shuhua.

“I said don’t!” Yuqi yells, not daring to face the other woman in the room. There’s no way that she’s going to cooperate tonight. Not without a fight. 

“Yuqi, what is the matter?” Shuhua questions, moving closer to the bed. Yuqi can tell that she’s right behind her. Looming, waiting for an answer. 

Yuqi doesn’t have a witty, or snarky remark, so she goes for the simplest thing she can think of right now.

“Go away.” She mutters bitterly, crossing her arms in front of her chest, as she almost fully curls in on herself. She doesn’t want Shuhua to see her like this, to have to be here when her anger is so palpable, so seethingly coursing through her body to the point where she just can’t control it.

Having control over her emotions is a task that’s all too laborious at the moment. She hears Shuhua take a deep breath behind her, and somehow, it sets her off.

“I know I’m just a fucking nuisiance, so why don’t you just leave?!” She shouts, a bitter venom in her voice, part of her knows, that what she just said isn’t true, but the other half of her truly does believe it.

“Yuqi. If you know what’s good, you’ll let me help you.” Shuhua says softly, but there’s a sort of edge to her voice. An edge that makes Yuqi flinch.

“Why should I?” She challenges, finally turning around to face the other. She’s met with a fairly disheveled Shuhua. Her clothes are all wrinkled, the buttons of her blazer haphazardly buttoned up, some buttons even in the wrong place. Her hair is all messed up, and almost poofy from the humidity of the rain today. Her appearance is a stark contrast to the look on her face. 

“Yuqi-“ Shuhua starts again, but Yuqi interrupts before she can get another syllable out.  

“No. No, why should I listen? Why should I stop what I’m best at? Causing problems!” Emotions rise high, as Yuqi laughs bitterly. “Why would you ever want to help? You should just pack your shit and leave like Soojin did! There’s no fixing me. I’m done playing games, it’s stupid! It’s stupid and you know it.” She snaps, fists clenching so hard her nails are about to break the skin. 

She sees something akin to anger flash across Shuhua’s face. Finally. Something in her facade is about to break. Something other than Shuhua’s unconditional love, her tenderness, her care. Whatever’s about to occur, Yuqi is sure she’s ready for it.

“Listen to me dammit. I care about you alright? I care about you so much but you saying all this is so selfish. Do you know how much it hurts? It hurts to see this? It hurts when you shout at me like this, like I’ve done something wrong?” 

Oh. Oh no. 

There’s a sound akin to a sniffle. “I just want to help.”  

Yuqi doesn’t think she’s ever heard Shuhua sound so defeated. So beat down. Now her face truly matches her appearance. There’s barely any sounds coming from the room now. Yuqi feels trapped, until finally, another sniffle breaks the silence. And that’s when it all finally clicks. When Yuqi finally realized everything she’s said, it comes crashing down faster than she can process, she feels small. Everything she’s said…everything she’s done tonight. Shameful tears well up in her eyes, and not for the first time tonight, do tears roll down her face. 

“Shu.” She calls, so simple. She has to apologize, she has to make things right, right now. She can’t stand the murky feeling in the pit of her stomach anymore. All the rage has vanished, in favor of sadness, and shame instead.

“M’ sorry.” She says quietly. “M’ sorry, m’ sorry.” She whispers again. What else can she say? She doesn’t know how to express it in any other way. 

There’s a dip in the bed, and before she can look up, she feels Shuhua’s warm arms around her. She feels Shuhua’s shoulders shaking, a sure sign of crying, right now she can’t help but cry along with her. All these big emotions have taken so much out of her, especially her outburst. Now she just feels sad, and worn out.

She eventually feels Shuhua stop crying, and she hears soft, shushing noises. Yuqi feels enticed to quiet down, as the noise comforts her, and makes her feel sleepy all at once. After she calms down, Shuhua pulls back from the embrace, until they’re face to face.

“There you are.” Shuhua says with a familiar smile, “There’s my girl.” her eyes look red, no doubt Yuqi’s look the same, but there’s something strangely comforting about it, something Yuqi can’t quite place. Shuhua wipes her face, as she takes a deep breath. “Let’s get comfortable, and then we can talk, ok?” She asks, her voice a little wobbly, as she takes another few breaths.

Yuqi nods sleepily, as she feels Shuhua wipe her stray tears away. In no more than a few seconds, Shuhua is up, and gathering items. Yuqi’s eyes stay glued to her form, as she watches Shuhua go back and forth between drawers in all different places. When she gets back, there’s some pajamas, her stuffed puppy, and a pacifier, still in its case. Yuqi doesn’t say much, as she lets Shuhua move her around, and get her in pajamas. Eventually, Shuhua leaves the room. Yuqi whines, but focuses on her puppy, she plays for a bit, until she hears footsteps fast returning. 

“Time for baba honey.” Shuhua says softly. Yuqi perks up, as she tries to sit up, but everything is so heavy at the moment, it feels like she’s trying to lift weights, and there’s a thick fog clouding her senses. Shuhua quickly rushes over to help her up, as she gently holds her in her lap. “Open.” She whispers, and Yuqi does just that. The perfectly warm milk starts to make her even more sleepy, and her eyes all the more heavy. Once she finally finishes all of the bottle, Shuhua gently sets it aside on the nightstand. Shuhua hands Yuqi her puppy once more, and changes herself, and in a few moments, they’re tucked in bed. 

The lights are dim, providing a cozy, but quiet environment. That is, until Shuhua speaks up. “Yuqi, chick, what’s the matter?” She asks quietly, petting Yuqi’s hair waiting for a response. 

Yuqi, in a very young headspace, responds as best as she can. “Sad, and mad. I tired Shushu.” She says simply, hugging her puppy closer. 

Just like that, Shuhua seems to understand, and somehow, in some nonverbal way, Yuqi knows that. Shuhua snuggles up closer to the little one, as she wraps her arms around the girl, and begins to rock them gently.

“I’m sorry that things are really hard.” She starts, taking a breath. “But you know, no matter what happens, in this whole wide world, you can talk to me. Shushu will always, always help, and make things better for you. We’re a team, right honey?” 

Yuqi smiles, and nods, cuddling impossibly closer. As she smiles, she taps her cheek with her finger, knowing exactly what the gesture means.

“You want kisses?” Shuhua laughs earnestly, a noise Yuqi is very happy to hear. “How could I say no to that sweet little face.” She coos softly, pressing butterfly kisses to Yuqi’s face. She laughs, and gives her own kiss to Shuhua.

[a-halo-for-you]

Useful Online Resources for Creative Students

Tips to controlling your creative chaos.

Studying Creative Writing and Theatre led me to exploring more about myself as an individual as well as an aspiring writer and actress. And in my writing I managed to compile a few more secret helpers to my party so when I am on the verge of a meltdown due to stress and writer’s block, there’s always a helping hand to get me out of a tricky situation. 

Every writer has their tools, from their brain to the type of pen they most prefer to make notes with and which software they prefer to work on. In this article I will be going through some of the tools that have best helped me through my time at university. 

⊱ ────── The Dictionary and Thesaurus ────── ⊰

I know, I know, not particularly exciting and original but it is imperative for us to have these at the ready, whether through technological means of the internet or in printed editions. We have all been in that place where there is a word on the tip of our tongues but we just can’t find it and that is where these come to our rescue. 

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

⊱ ────── YouTube ────── ⊰

YouTube has plenty of channels dedicated to writing, publishing, editing etc. It also has footage of our beloved authors who give plenty of valuable advice from their extensive experience in the job. It is also home to many wonderful playlist channels- no doubt helping me with the flow of my stories a few times or concentrating on studying an essay. 

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

⊱ ────── Spotify ───── ⊰

Speaking of music! Music is probably a number one for me personally, it creates the atmosphere internally before you cry, sweat and bleed it out onto the pages yourself with your own words. Spotify is my favourite as with a student discount you can get a premium membership that means no advertisement interruptions. You can also spend time creating different playlists for different works, for characters, settings or a collective emotion.

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

⊱ ────── Pinterest ────── ⊰

Now, if you have not come across the wonders of pinterest I must direct it towards you as some are stimulated by music others are stimulated by photos. Helping to visualise characters, clothing, setting they have many wonderful photos for this, as well as plenty of information that can be shared on history, culture, creative ways to get rid of a body etc. There are also posts specifically tuned for writers, a large amount coming from Tumblr blogs which I would also recommend looking at. 

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

⊱ ────── Reedsy ────── ⊰

The next site I recommend is Reedsy. Reedsy is an online blog and website that connects writers, editors, artists and publishers. They have writing software where you can write your book in a publishable format, they have apps and tools that vary from generators and prompts to online classes that you can subscribe to. They also have writing competitions which help to create portfolios for new writers. At Reedsy you can meet other like minded individuals through the marketplace and post for your online portfolio.

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

⊱ ────── Fantasy Name Generators ────── ⊰

Now to some writers, using Generators can seem like a cheat but if you’re stuck then this website is a good place to go, whether you’re struggling with world-building or character creation and need some good names there’s always something you can find and note down. A tip to give would be to take two names and mix them to come up with something new, that way it also feels a little less of a cheat. 

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

Finishing here, I hope that any of these tools are useful for you as they have been for me in organising my creative chaos. And my last piece of advice for any unpublished writer or writing student would be not to compare your works in progress with any published works. Who knows which draft number it is so don’t compare it to your first!

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

[bluediamonder]

it was a lot more than a hug: an (unintentional) short essay on mental health & steven worm

I LOVED THE HUG OKAY.

I’ve seen a lot of people saying things like “uGh thE eNdiNG sUcKEd geTtiNg a hUG doEsN’T sOLvE aLL yOuR pRoBLeMs”. but in my opinion, that’s exactly the point. 

All throughout the second half of SUF, they’re trying to show us that there is no one way to feel immediately better and have all of your problems solved. He goes to pretty much every source he can. The gems aren’t necessarily seeing what he’s going through, Connie isn’t going to solve this for him, his Dad is helping in an unhelpful way, so he goes to Jasper and that went haywire, so he goes to the diamonds and they just make it worse. And then what is he supposed to do?

Every single time Steven goes to a person to “help” him, he’s going to them seeking help in order to fix it. and there’s a big difference between the two. 

I have anxiety, depression, and OCD, and often when I’m panicking or having moments of high anxiety, I do what Steven did: I seek out people not to help me, but to fix it for me. I then react the same way Steven did - with anger - when people try to help instead of just fixing it.

Anxiety, depression, panic, none of those things can be completely and magically cured and rid of in the snap of a finger. But in the moment, for people like me, for a person like Steven, the thought of that feeling not being entirely solveable is petrifying.

 It’s like if someone is drowning and splashing around: you can’t get the life ring around them because of how much movement and commotion they’re creating. But they’re drowning, so you can’t just tell them “Hey, stop moving so I can help you!” From your perspective, you’re trying to help them by encouraging them to do something that will in turn allow you to help them. But to that person, if they stop flailing, they’re going to sink even further, and that is terrifying, so much so that they can’t even consider that you might be wanting to help them. All they can process is that you told them to stop doing the one thing that they don’t want to do: sink. Even if they’re sinking just for a moment, before you save them, that doesn’t matter. That feeling of sinking is terrifying, so they end up splashing around more. 

When Steven seems to be babbling on, almost comedically, in “Everything is Fine”, trying to convince himself he’s fine, he’s gotten to a stage that I was in for a while, a sort of mania, where he is not only attempting to convince everyone around him that he’s fine, he has convinced himself that he is fine. This is a huge red flag for people with bipolar disorder or manic depression (NOT diagnosing Steven, I am not a professional, I’ve just experienced many of these things and been surrounded by people experiencing these things and professionals explaining them to me. Like I said, I was in the hospital for this, so). Everyone around him starts to see that he is, in fact, not fine, as they’ve already surmised. But the physical consequences of them not doing anything, not doing enough, are starting to manifest.

When he morphs into the Steven Worm, he has lost his sense of self. He doesn’t know what to do with himself, he can’t exist within himself with the world he’s created. He didn’t tell the Gems about the hospital, he didn’t tell his dad he was angry, he didn’t actually tell Connie he needed her he just proposed. He doesn’t know what to DO with all of this. So it explodes around him.

He can’t control his feelings, himself anymore. He feels he’s lost control. For me, a human, this morphs into a panic attack. But for him, he’s a gem, he turns into Steven Worm.

Not even the diamonds, the most powerful beings in the entire Gem universe, are incapable of changing him. His emotions bring White Diamond to her knees. But what they’re doing wrong here is they’re trying to fix him!

When Connie bolts in on Lion and is making her (iconic) rallying cry, she never says they need to fix Steven or heal him; she says they need to help him. Because that’s the only way he can get better.

When you go to the psychiatric hospital, you don’t go to get fixed. You’re in an environment where you’re made so you’re not a physical danger to yourself, and then you do a shit ton of work. You have therapy multiple times a day, every day, all week. You do work, they don’t just fix it for you. And this is the solution that we need to see portrayed. This is the solution they did portray in SUF.

Mental health disorders can’t be fixed. And Steven’s problems weren’t solved with a hug. 

But we needed to see the hug. Because Steven needed to see the hug.

The hug wasn’t just about hugging him. It was about literally forcing him to come face-to-face with the love and support he had been inadvertenly, and then intentionally, pushing away. It forced him to say, “Okay, this is who I am right now. And these people love me.”

I had to have the people in my life tell me over and over that they loved me when I went to the hospital. I had to have my doctors tell me that they cared for me, my therapist tell me that I wasn’t talking too much, because I didn’t believe them. I had convinced myself I wasn’t worthy, I was a fraud, just like Steven. Sometimes you need that love in your face, surrounding you so that it is the only thing you can see, for you to be able to let it in. 

The hug didn’t fix everything! That’s the big thing. The hug was a pure, beautiful moment, but I don’t believe it was meant to be a plot device to try to fix everything. Everyone was still emotional, he still destroyed things, he scared people, he scared himself. That wasn’t all magically fixed because of the hug. But his resolve to do the work, get help, and accept what happened to him - that is what made him go from Worm Steven to Boy Steven.

And afterward, we seen Steven has grown. He hasn’t morphed, his hair hasn’t changed, he’s not pink. But he’s grown mentally. He’s communicating more making plans, his disposition has changed.

Previously on this post, I said" I don’t like that they called what he had a meltdown (again, I vouch that it was a gem version of a panic attack)" However, I learned that this is actually a really good term to describe what Steven experienced, and as a person in my ask box (@a2Ieep) noted, could be relevant to the headcanon/idea that Steven is autistic, or at least autistic-coded, as well as his PTSD or cPTSD. None of us can diagnose Steven but that also means I shouldn't just pass off terminology like that! I realized it gave people who self-identify as autistic, the same feelings it gave me as I struggle with panic and anxiety. While we surmise different meanings from the meltdown, it was a meltdown. We all feel so touched by it, and Steven's meltdown felf like a panic attack to me, that doesn't mean it isn't a meltdown, and that it can't be meaningful to someone else with autism or PTSD. Steven's meltdown is just as meaningful to someone who has autism or PTSD, as it is to me with panic attacks. Erasure of someone else's feelings on my part was not okay, regardless of my intent or my own strength of different feelings. Plus, it was his choice to use that term. I just want to make it clear that at first I didn't like the term, but it is actually a really important term to use. I didn't expect the post to blow up like this, so I wanted to make this edit known and seen as it's a really important of this post. Thank you to everyone for understanding! And thank you to @tentacrocacles @transtistic @satoshigekk0uga @mercurialmeditator @possumpiebruh and @a2leep for sharing their feelings ans thoughts with me, which helped me to realize this and investigate and alter my own sentiments!

but YALL STEVEN HAS A THERAPIST NOW! He’s is not only getting the help that he needs, he is showing that he is going to continue needing this help, and that’s okay! He’s making plans to visit people, to go see the world, on his own terms! 

 He’s scared and sad of leaving the gems, and it’s also time to leave the gems. It’s time to move on, and be a new Steven.

We’ve seen a lot of Stevens the past few weeks. But Steven driving off past the Big Donut into the night was my favorite Steven. That was vulnerable Steven. That was Steven doing the work to be himself, to exist with his feelings and the ways he had acted, and the things he had gone through. That was my boy. Steven Universe.

When I saw my mom for the first time while I was in the hospital, the first thing she did was give me a big hug (I was a blubbering mess, of course). But it wasn’t just that my mom was giving me a hug. She was telling me she was there for me, she loved me, she was telling me she would stay up on the phone with me as long as the doctors would let me, she would drive 3 1/2 hours from our home in Michigan to the hospital in Ohio at a moments notice (I went to school in Ohio and went to the hospital there too before coming home). That hug was her forcing me to see that she was there for me, even if I didn’t believe it, or didn’t want to believe it.

So yeah, Steven got a hug. But it was a lot more than a hug, okay? Take my word for it

[dani-is-a-pixie]

Shit they don’t tell you about Autism/Aspergers

Well, I’ve been learning more and more about different signs of being neurodiverse and I thought I’d put my own experiences here just in case it might be able to help someone else understand their diagnosis or themselves better. If you feel you have Autism, please speak to your GP or doctor to be able to talk to a professional because like all things, self diagnosing isn’t a good idea, ya feel me. - Let’s talk clothing b. Yes, so basically Autistics like to dress more comfortable, probably hate things like tags (I used to cut them off) and might only wear certain fabrics. Some people might wear certain colours only as well. Although, the general thing is that Autistics “aren’t expressive” you’ll find a lot of Autistics are and that might be reflected through their alternative clothing choices. Another thing is you might have very sensitive skin, washing powder can cause rashes and itchiness, you might not even be able to use soap. - Hair. Hair is so gross. So basically you might feel that having your hair in your face is so annoying. Ever since I was little I always remember just tying my hair up and leaving it like that. Wanting short hair to avoid it touching your face because of sensory issues. Although, you might like to have it coloured and expressive you might struggle to have your hair down because it just feels so gross. In relation to hair when washing it you might hate the sensation of shampoo and water and all that. - Although, being very monotone is a sign of Autism being very expressive is also a sign. The thing is I feel a lot of Autistic people without the correct support have probably got a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and I feel like that combined with feeling Autistic might make it hard for you to put any energy into things, whereas you know you are a expressive person. Also you probably have hella empathy. I know that is like the opposite of what you hear but seriously, myself and some other people I know with Autism are very empathetic people and feel emotions to an extreme. Although, it might not seem like we feel anything from facial expressions and responses we might be feeling so much it’s just too overwhelming to express it. - Let’s talk acting like a child. Not saying this to dig because I’m the same way, but most people who have Autism might regress into a childlike state which is known as age regressing. It’s usually a coping mechanism to deal with stress but I suppose it could also be triggered by sensory issues? Like I find when I’m really happy I’m very childlike. Oh and you might act younger then you are or be really immature, not always taking things seriously or understanding things. Which is okay and why having a specialist to help support you with the stuff you struggle with is key. - Stim. Stim. Stim. We hear about happy stim, sad stim but honestly you might just stim for every emotion. Also people with Autism might seem like they have tics but they can have vocal stims as well as motor. - Gender is complex right? Yeah I feel you. Feel like you flucuate between genders, have no gender, feel in the middle or might even be trans - although, this is a sensitive topic Autistics actually are more likely to have different relationships with gender due to how we view and feel about the world. So whatever gender you are b, you are valid! - Identity is confusing. The thing is you might feel like you have alters or different versions of yourself as well, which is why Autism is not diagnosed and you might be diagnosed with BPD or like DID. The thing is identity for us is always so confusing and we have such a different relationship about things about ourselves and how we view things. Sometimes it feels like someone were not and sometimes we feel like a different person, but that is okay and valid. - Control as a stress management. Now this is where things like eating disorders can be developed, maybe self destructive behaviours like self harming or perhaps being very toxic to keep everything the way you can because you feel like your life is going out of control. I really do feel you - and that’s why seeing a specialist can help you cope with shitty times like this. But that is a sign. - You have a safe space. Probably your house, your room and you barely leave it. You feel so fucking overwhelmed outside. Too many people, too many noises, too many things going on, which is why Autism can seem like an anxiety disorder but you just feel things very sensitive and can have sensory overload. - If you’re an adult now, probably as a child you were told you were just intelligent and there’s nothing wrong with you. Yep. Same here. Parents tried to get me diagnosed as a young age but they wouldn’t even test me. - For me, I cannot stop listening to music. I express myself through music. I’ll send people songs and tell them to pay attention to the lyrics or the video because it’s how I feel and it’s how I express myself. Some people might do that with art or writing or something they use to express that isn’t vocally with words, people might sing or make songs. There tends to be a creative or different way you express your emotions. - Special interests. They might change throughout your life. I thought you had to have something you were interested in since a kid but they can change and it’s known as hyperfixations! It can be literally anything, and they are valid. You probably hate talking to people if they don’t share one of your hyperfixations because you feel misunderstood or weird or lonely. Doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary. - Might blurt out how you feel to people, like having no filter. You like to have deep meaningful relationships and want friends you can talk about your deep routed emotions and dreams with rather then wow there is something on the news. That shit doesn’t interest you at all. - This might be an embarassing one but you might have a lot of issues with going to the toilet (ie. bleeding or runny stools and etc), especially when you’re stressed you might have really bad stomach issues or abdomen issues. That aren’t always explained but are probably stress induced when everything is too much for you, people tend to be more sensitive to those types of things if they’re Autistic due to sensory and sensitivites. - Meltdowns can be shown in crying breakdowns, anger breakdowns, can also be shown as completely shut down and you might experience catatonia, where you struggle to talk or move because you feel so sad, you might get so worked up and might even feel as low as feeling suicidal and might self harm as well when in these meltdowns. - You hate injustice and you probably are an advocate for the mentally ill or disabled. Seeing injustice might actually trigger a meltdown because you want to change things - due to your extreme empathy but you struggle to accept you can’t save the world. - Might have fake friends but as you grow older might cut those people off for using your energy and might end up with having barely any to no friends. Might feel extremely lonely and not understand why people can’t just be nice to you. - Relationships you probably take very seriously, like full on planning marriages when it might just seem like nothing to someone. This can make you prone to abusive relationships and you might not always notice if that person is good for you, no matter what they do you probably try to continue to fix the relationship. Took some notes from p-3a-s-life-resources <3 and personal experience.

[amedetoiles]

@suibian-chenqing​ ME TOOOO!!! It is my ultimate endgame in any version of cql/mdzs. Just Lotus Pier in some way, shape, or form being the home where everyone returns to.

So please consider a universe where everyone makes better choices, has healthier conflict resolution skills à la conversations over soup, and lives happily ever after. Hear me out:

We all know that the chaotic Jiang disciples are the unsung heroes of the story, always merrily dragging their grumpy grape sect leader from danger and picking up after his dramatically discarded capes across various parts of the country.

What if after that staged fight while Jiang Cheng angrily copes with brozilla wedding planning (they hear him crying yelling multiple times at all the notebooks full of wedding ideas Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng have jotted down over the years), they decide that this is just not conducive to the happiness of their two favorite Young Masters?

Or equally important, the continuation of their beloved tradition of monthly Lotus Pier lake parties. A Jiang pool party without their resident chaos king and undisputed champion for the highest caliber splash swan dives? This Will Not Stand!

Obviously it is their Duty and their Right as the protectors and purveyors of Jiang culture for a few of them to secretly stow away while Jiang Cheng is having an epic meltdown over fabric.

“800 thread count? Are you out of your goddamn minds? My only sister, and you expect us to throw her a wedding with disgraceful eight hundred thread count fabric?! Do we Jiangs look like barbarians to you?!”

The Jiang disciples go to Yiling, rush up the Burial Mounds, and shout very convincingly, “Da-shixiong! Da-shixiong! Zongzhu, he – he –”

Wei Wuxian, war-torn, living with ten thousand ghosts, and constantly on edge, panics immediately, jumps to the absolute worst conclusion, and doesn’t even clarify before he rushes down the mountain because oh god, oh god, no, not again, didn’t he leave so his siblings would be safe, didn’t he promise to keep Jiang Cheng safe?????

Wen Qing warily agrees to come along because they clearly now have this well-established ongoing unspoken agreement to constantly save each other’s little brothers.

If the Jiang disciples have caught Jiang Cheng brooding over a pretty redwood comb wrapped in a silk handkerchief more than once, then they don’t say anything. Just share silent looks of glee when no one is watching.

By the time they reach Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian has worked himself up into such a state of frenzy that he bursts through the doors of Lotus Pier like a black thundercloud of overprotective fury and worry, screaming, “JIANG CHENG! JIANG CHENG!”

.... Jiang Cheng is sitting on the floor of the Sword Hall, surrounded by a mountain of square fabric samples, with bits of thread stuck in his hair, totally gobsmacked at the sight of his windswept big brother.

Wei Wuxian, still panicked, falls to the floor in front of him, grabs Jiang Cheng by the arms before he can even react, and frantically checks him over. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened – I thought –”

Jiang Cheng stares at him. Wei Wuxian blinks. The Jiang disciples have all conveniently disappeared.

Behind them, Wen Qing heaves a big sigh, slow and long through pursed lips. She bows respectfully, says “I will be outside,” and gets the fuck out of there.

There is a tense silence. Wei Wuxian realizes he’s been tricked, but he is so overcome with relief after all that soul-crushing fear that he doesn’t even get mad, just sags forward with his face in Jiang Cheng’s chest as the adrenaline leaves him all at once. He pretends he’s not shaking.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know if he wants to shove Wei Wuxian away, hug him back, or wrap him in as many blankets as he can possibly find until a-jie comes home. He does none of those, just demands, half-strangled, half-something-like-worry, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“They said – I thought you were in trouble or – or –”

[long pause] “You – came all the way here shouting like a possessed lunatic because you thought I was in trouble?”

Wei Wuxian hunches a little defensively and starts to move away. “Of course I did.” He makes sure to add, with emphasis, “Idiot.”

It doesn’t matter if Jiang Cheng can’t make up his mind because apparently his hands can, and they grip both of Wei Wuxian’s elbows to keep his brother from pulling away. They stare at one another.

”You said you didn’t want anything to do with the Jiang sect.”

Wei Wuxian looks away, grumbling. “How else was I supposed to keep you and shijie safe? Besides, you’re the one who stabbed me.” He is very pouty about this.

Jiang Cheng, immediately incensed and indignant, shouts, “You broke my arm! I had to be in a cast for a whole month!”

An almost smile flashes over Wei Wuxian’s face. “Hey, it was only your left arm. You were still able to write.”

Jiang Cheng glares at him and shoves his shoulder. Wei Wuxian instinctively shoves him back. They stare. Wei Wuxian scrubs his face tiredly with his hands. Jiang Cheng has to push away the urge to motherhen with blankets again.

He says, “I never asked you to protect me.”

Wei Wuxian gives him a look. “I don’t need to be asked.”

Jiang Cheng grits his teeth. “I don’t want you to protect me, idiot.”

Wei Wuxian heaves a very resigned sigh. “Then what do you want?”

Several answers come up, all too serious and too revealing without the support of a-jie’s soup and copious amount of alcohol. So Jiang Cheng just throws a handful of fabric samples at Wei Wuxian’s face. “Help me pick through these until a-jie comes home. You should have fucking heard Jin Zixuan’s suggestions last week. If we let the peacock plan a-jie’s wedding, it’s going to be an absolute disaster.”

Wei Wuxian’s smile this time is real and genuine and lasts the entire afternoon of bickering over fabric squares until Jiang Yanli rushes into the pavilion with many Jiang disciples in tow and hugs both her brothers for the first time in months. They manage to not horribly cry all over each other.

Jiang Yanli insists Wen Qing has dinner with them. There’s plenty of soup after all. Jiang Cheng is awkwardly stiff and doesn’t look Wen Qing in the eye the entire time, and Wei Wuxian pokes him repeatedly with silent  what the hell is wrong with you.

They talk about growing turnips, purifying rice wine, that the scariest thing about Wen Ning is his ability to create a disturbingly large variety of dishes from turnips, and how Wei Wuxian has essentially adopted baby A-Yuan as his own.

Later, Jiang Yanli tells Wen Qing, with a smile, her eyes alight like a flame, that she will take care of it. Wen Qing has no idea what this means. Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian share a look as only little brothers with intimate knowledge of their big sister’s stubbornness could and wisely choose to remain silent.

Jiang Yanli enlists the help of both Jin Zixuan and Madam Jin and somehow does indeed take care of it.

Many back door conversations occur between Jiang, Jin, Lan, and Nie sects. Jin Zixuan is the sole Jin representative. Nie Mingjue is initially leery but comes at the behest of Huaisang and Xichen.

At some point, Wen Ning tells Wei Wuxian that if they are going to do this, then it’s best if they have no more secrets. Wei Wuxian glares and tries to pretend that he has no idea what he is talking about, but neither Jiang Yanli nor Jiang Cheng allow Wei Wuxian to run away this time.

There is an emotional golden core reveal, followed by an equally emotional I didn’t go back for their bodies, with lots of shouting, shoving, crying, and clinging. In the aftermath, the Jiang siblings form an even stronger co-dependent unit around each other.

Jiang Yanli coordinates with Lan Xichen (and a begrudgingly cooperative Jiang Cheng) to bring Lan Wangji to Lotus Pier to help Wei Wuxian control his powers. Wangxian are desperately cute, and Jiang Cheng makes pointed gagging sounds whenever he’s around them that leads to several incidents of lake shoving, an excitable gaggle of Jiang disciples swan diving into the water after them, and a very, very confused Lan.

In the end, Wei Wuxian refuses to hand over the Stygian Tiger Seal to any of the sects, but he does agree to destroy it if Wen Qing, Wen Ning, and the remaining Wens are granted clemency and allowed to live freely without persecution. Jiang, Lan, and Nie sects agree.

Jin Guangshan tries to make an uproar, but in a surprising turn of events, Jin Guangyao (grateful for Jiang Yanli’s non-judgmental kindness over the past year) reveals all of his father’s treacherous secrets, including ordering the slaughter of Wen civilians, pardoning and releasing Xue Yang, and purposefully fueling the mob against Wei Wuxian to acquire the seal for himself. Jin Guangshan is shamed, sentenced, and dies imprisoned some months later.

Jin Zixuan formally recognizes his newly renamed brother Jin Ziyao.

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian decide that their sister is even scarier than they had believed.

The Wens leave the Burial Mounds and build a small village together in Yiling where they branch into farming non-turnip crops much to the delight of Wei Wuxian. Jiang disciples are dispatched to help with the construction of several buildings, including one extremely beautiful apothecary. Jiang Cheng is seen in Yiling fairly regularly.

Jin Zixun, the most vocal opponent against the pardons for Wei Wuxian and the Wens, tragically falls off a cliff one day. Sect Leader Yao tries to pin it on Wei Wuxian, but Jiang Cheng shuts him down with scathing ferocity.

Someone also puts a Silencing Spell on Sect Leader Yao and keeps it going. Every Lan swears it was not them and thus cannot remove the spell. It lasts for two glorious months. Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji get along disturbingly well from that point on.

Wei Wuxian is there when Jiang Yanli gets married in a magnificent splendor of red and gold. He is there to see Jin Ling born, to watch Jiang Cheng tie a purple bell to their nephew’s robes, and to gift little A-Ling a bracelet on his first month birthday. He is there to watch Jiang Cheng rebuild their sect with unending grit, respect, and loyalty. He is there to see Jin Ling and A-Yuan grow up underneath a sky he helped clear, loved and adored by all the different parts of their family. And some years after he and Lan Wangji are happily married, Wei Wuxian is there when his little brother dons red robes and bows to the heavens, to the earth, and to a woman with a redwood comb in her hair whose life became entwined with theirs so very long ago.

[iamanartichoke]

I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons. 

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3 

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length. 

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could. 

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’  is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it). 

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.) 

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here. 

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1. 

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions. 

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.) 

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already. 

Ragnarok 

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me). 

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things. 

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown. 

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end. 

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother, 

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons 

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers) 

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence) 

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out 

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it 

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person. 

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]). 

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned. 

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself. 

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.) 

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative. 

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore, 

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here). 

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.) 

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions? 

What about all the loose threads in his story? 

For example, how did he get from: 

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc) 

to 

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.) 

to 

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

? 

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory. 

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary. 

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled. 

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue. 

This could have been accomplished with - 

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

 A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?" 

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place). 

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever. 

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want. 

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield. 

But, I mean 

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.) 

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3 

[gamerwoo]

[Tales from the Pack] Hansol: Fire and Ice (Part Nine)

Characters: Hansol x female reader

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, fantasy, mostly angst BUT there’s some fluff especially toward the end (it’s still kinda angsty fluff but like it’s still fluff ok i promise)

Word count: 3,385

Summary: You’ve always been one to let your emotions get the best of you – your power reflects that – and you’ve never been good at expressing them. That’s why you always thought you’d be awful with a mate, but you never thought things would be this awful.

a/n: things in bold are in english and things in italics are a dream

Previous | Next | Fire and Ice Masterlist

Nobody was surprised when you left after lunch. You didn’t even look at Hansol when you thanked everyone for lunch before quickly leaving the house to go wherever it was you went during the day. So Hansol waited for you outside. He laid back and watched the clouds as they slowly rolled through the sky. When the sun started to set, he went inside to get a sweater because Soomin was giving him a hard time about it. He also unpacked everything he’d grabbed from your old pack’s house, placing clothes on top of the dresser, making sure they were neatly folded, and putting pictures in various parts of the room so you could look at them. And then he put the blanket on the end of the bed, deciding you could choose what you did with it.

Before he left the room, he grabbed you a new sweater to wear. Then he found himself back outside again, waiting. 

And that’s how you found him. It was only a couple hours until midnight when you returned to the house. Hansol was sitting on the lawn in the same place you’d found him the night before, except you could smell your brother’s scent mixed with his. You didn’t know why or what he’d done, but you were ready to start asking why he smelled so much like Jiung. However, when you finally stood about two feet away, just staring down at him, all you did was stare. You, for some reason, didn’t get angry.

Hansol looked up at you before handing you the grey sweater. You stared at it for a beat of silence before you slowly reached out to touch it. It was soft and still smelled exactly like Jiung, unlike the sweater currently adorning your body. The scent on your current one was starting to fade.

You took off your sweater, your t-shirt riding up, but Hansol wasn’t staring. Then you tossed yours in Hansol’s lap before taking the new one and tugging it on over your head. The sleeves were too long as you expected, but you preferred it like that. 

“Where’d you get this?” you finally asked, your voice quiet.

Hansol seemed surprised you spoke to him, but his voice didn’t waver, “I went to give the ring to the pack today. I brought some stuff from there for you and left it in your room.”

That caught you off guard, “…For me?”

“Yeah,” he nodded with a soft smile. He pushed himself to stand up. “Do you want to go see?”

You let him lead you into the house and up the stairs. The entire place was silent, which was surprising to you since there were so many werewolves. Then again, they all seemed to have their own rooms, which meant not many people to talk to at night before bed, so they had no reason to be noisy – unless other things were happening, but you’d rather not hear that.

Hansol opened the bedroom door and allowed you in first. Immediately, your nose was attacked with familiar smells from your old pack, and from Jiung. Your eyes landed on multiple pictures – both in and out of frames – sweaters, and the familiar blanket that your mother had made for Jiung. 

The first thing you did was look at the pictures. Some were yours, but some were Jiung’s. There were a few of you and your family, including one you hadn’t seen in years, but it was Jiung’s favorite: you and him at age six, standing up against a wall at your parents’ house as one of your older siblings measured your heights. You and him were the same height back then. After that, you both got hit with growth spurts, but he shot up faster and higher than you. He was the tallest in the house, and you were pretty sure he was even taller than Mingyu.

There was another picture you looked at that you had only seen as a child. You didn’t know that Jiung even still had it, but here it was: the picture of your birth parents. You knew it was left with you when you were abandoned, but you didn’t know if your adoptive parents had thrown it out or left it behind or if it simply got lost at some point between all the family trips.

“You know,” Hansol spoke up. You turned around, expecting him to be right behind you, but he was still standing between the room and the hallway, “I don’t know if you resent your birth parents, but you look a lot like them.”

You carefully set the picture back down where you got it, keeping your eyes on Hansol, “What if I do resent them?”

He just shrugged, “I’d still tell you the truth.”

You had to admit, you respected his answer. At least you knew he wouldn’t say something he didn’t mean just to please you.

You turned your entire body to face him, letting out a deep sigh, “I’m…gonna shower.”

“Okay,” he nodded, stepping away from the doorway. “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything. Goodnight, _____.”

He turned and left, not expecting you to say anything in reply.

You went down the hall and found the bathroom was mostly the same as well. There were new toiletries and a few new towels, but you knew at least the shower worked all the same.

After scrubbing yourself clean of way too many days worth of dirt and grime, you got out of the shower, quickly dried off, and threw your underwear and sweater back on. You carried the rest of your clothes back to your room with you before tossing them in a hamper placed in the corner of the room.

Right before you got into bed, your eyes caught the blanket on the end of the bed. While part of you wanted to cuddle with it for the night, another part of you knew that touching it would erase more of the scent. So you took the blanket and placed it over the back of the chair before going to get into bed. You leaned over to shut off the lamp, closed your eyes, and waited for sleep to take you.

-

You hoped for another dreamless sleep, praying the nightmares were over. But of course, with your shitty luck, you found yourself back at the burned rubble where Eunjin had found you. Only this dream felt different; it felt…real. But you knew you weren’t awake because rain was pelting your skin, and you always felt uncomfortable in the rain. Rain made it difficult for you to use your power, so you tried to avoid it as much as possible. Except this time, the rain felt…nice.

Like most of your dreams lately, you felt like you were being watched. You never knew who or what it was that kept its eyes on you, but it didn’t feel like it was anything menacing. You usually elected to ignore it anyway.

“_____?”

Your head whipped around to see Jia, the blind mate. However, she was walking on her own, and her eyes stared directly at you instead of through you. You’d heard about her through Danbi and Mingyu, but you never thought she’d find herself in your dream. Was she the one watching you? Was she the reason this dream felt so real this time?

“Jia?” you took a cautious step toward her. “What’s happening?”

Jia just shook her head, “I’m not doing anything, _____. This is your dream.”

“Have you been in my other ones?” you asked.

She nodded, seeming unapologetic about it, “Yes, I have. I have to say, _____, I’m really worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about,” you scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “I may have freaked out once, but it was one time, and now I’m fine.”

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but I think your containing a lot of your emotions. You could have a meltdown again, and–”

“I’m handling my emotions just fine, okay? Besides, Hansol–”

“I’m not talking about Hansol,” Jia interrupted, her voice a little more harsh now, “I’m talking about your brother.”

You grimaced, a low growl coming from your chest, “I don’t have any emotions toward my brother. He’s gone; he’s dead. There’s no point in having emotions toward him.”

“_____…”

While Jia did step away from you, her eyes wide and apologetic, you stalked toward her anyway as anger bubbled inside you, “Don’t talk about him, don’t say his name, don’t–”

“_____.”

This time, when your name was said, it was from a different voice. A voice that sounded way too familiar, but also way too real for you to have made it up. It was that stern ‘alpha’ voice that always got you to listen to him. But despite the tone, it tugged at your heartstrings.

You turned around, seeing Jiung standing only a few yards away with a frown on his face. He didn’t look happy to see you – he never did in your dreams – but he looked rather disappointed more than anything else. You’d seen him look angry or disgusted with you, but never disappointed.

Suddenly, you snapped back to your senses. This was a dream, and since you weren’t creating this image of Jiung, Jia was. You turned to her, snarling as your eyes started to spot red, “Stop doing that.”

Jia held up her hands in surrender, “I swear, I’m not doing that! This is your dream, I don’t have control over it.”

“_____!” Jiung’s voice was rougher now, and you felt a hand on your wrist, tugging you away from the smaller girl. He turned you to face him, is usually golden eyes now turned red. “Stop lashing out.”

“Stop!” you demanded, yanking away from his grasp. “You’re not real! Stop doing this!”

Jiung’s face softened, resting both of his hands on his shoulders, “Yes I am, _____. Don’t you remember those stories mom and dad told us? About the spirit dreams?”

“That was just some old wives’ tale or whatever,” you insisted, averting your eyes.

“So were werewolves,” he chuckled. “Does that mean you’re fake?”

You frowned, shoving your brother away from you, “You can’t even prove you’re real because you’re probably just a figment of my imagination – I already know everything the real Jiung would.”

“I know what happened to your doll when we were seven,” he replied with a mischievous grin.

Slowly, your gaze shifted to look at him, mumbling, “Mom gave it to charity, she told me so.”

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’, “Sabira stole it and ended up getting in a tug-of-war match with the neighbor’s dog. Ask mom, she’ll tell you because she tried to stitch it back together before she had to toss it.

“I also know you never knew Saebyeol’s birth name was Sabira because she only used her birth name when dad would take her to visit India once a year,” he continued, his smile still bright and toothy, just how you remembered when he just knew he was right.

You didn’t know what kind of expression you wore, but you couldn’t stop staring at your brother. How did he know things even you didn’t know? Unless he was making it up somehow? Maybe you were making things up in your head that he could tell you in an attempt to convince you he was real. If so, this figment you or Jia had created was a fantastic liar. But it just seemed too…real.

Either way, you couldn’t stop yourself from tossing yourself in your brothers arms, hugging him as tight as you possibly could as his warm, familiar laugh filled your ears and made your heart swell.

You suddenly pulled away from him, holding him at arms length, “Are you dumb, or what?”

“Huh?” he chuckled.

“Ordering Hanbin to take Hansol instead of you! Are you stupid?!”

Jiung shook his head, “_____, you need Hansol, not me.”

“I don’t need him!” you burst, pushing your brother away from you. “I need you! I hate Hansol for getting you killed. I don’t want to even be in this stupid pack!”

“_____,” Jiung sighed, “I know that’s not how you really feel.”

Jia also knew it wasn’t how you really felt. She’d seen your dreams – your dreams where it was all made up – and you’d get angry and scream and call Jiung dumb for leaving you. You’d never say anything nasty about Hansol in your dreams. Never; not once. In fact, when he showed up was when you’d calm down.

It wasn’t Hansol you were angry with, it was your brother. You’d just buried that fact and hid it with your anger that you’d projected onto Hansol. She wasn’t even sure if you knew that, though.

“You don’t know how I feel!” you frowned, stomping your foot like a child.

“_____,” Jia’s voice was soft as she slowly came up behind you, unsure of how you’d react. She placed a delicate hand on your shoulder, and it felt a lot colder than your skin – you were burning up, in fact, “it’s okay to be mad at Jiung…”

“I’m not mad at Jiung, I’m–!” you cut yourself off, feeling every kind of negative emotion suddenly hit you in a massive wave. Anger, sadness, confusion, fear – you felt it all, and it made you want to be sick or burst out crying or both.

“It’s okay,” Jia nodded, “you have to let it out. Tell him how you feel.”

Your hands balled into fists at your side, your nails digging into your skin. You felt a dull pain because of it, which was weird because you’d never felt any physical pain in your dreams. Your jaw clenched and your eyes slightly stung from tears pricking at them, wanting to just come out.

“It’s okay, _____. He went back for Hansol and told him to go instead. You feel like he left you, and you’re mad. It’s okay to be mad, just let it out.”

Staring at what may or may not have been the spirit of your brother in front of you, the wave of emotion finally broke down every wall you’d built up.

“How could you leave me?!” you demanded. You felt like you wanted your body to just burst into flames to throw right at Jiung’s stupid, dead face. You knew your skin was sparking at least, from the way Jia gasped and jumped back. “How could you just let yourself die like that, huh?! You were supposed to stay with me and protect me, and you just fucking let yourself die, and for what? For me to imprint? For me to be happy?”

You punctuated each sentence with a shove to your brother, your hands pushing against his chest and shoulders. He just let you do it, taking each shove as he stared at you, his expression unreadable. It only made you more angry.

“Well I’m not happy! I’m angry! I’m– I’m hurt and I’m scared, and I hate you! I hate you because I don’t even know if you’re real, and I hate you because you won’t even show one goddamn emotion right now!”

Jiung shook his head, his expression almost cocky, “That’s not why you hate me, _____. You and I both know it”

You let out a scream that didn’t even sound like yourself. You were sobbing and hitting him wherever your fists landed. You were hitting him with all the strength you could muster, but you knew that the flames from your fists wouldn’t do anything to him. He was dead, anyway.

“I hate you for leaving me!” you cried. “You left me, and you didn’t even stop to think about how I’d feel when you made the decision to let yourself get killed! You left me, and you don’t even care! You left me, Jiung! You fucking left me!”

Jiung smiled softly, his eyes shining, “There it is.”

“I hate you!” you told him again, shoving him so hard he actually hit the ground. Even he looked surprised. “Why did you leave me? Why, why, why, why?!”

You fell to your knees, sobs shaking your body, but it was also from anger toward Jiung.

“I hate you. I hate you. I– I–”

“_____!”

Your eyes flew open, and you felt weight pressing down on your arms, but you weren’t laying down. You were sitting up in bed, your back against the headboard as tears streamed down your face. Hansol was on the side of the bed, one foot still on the floor with a knee on the mattress as he held your hands in his. There was bits of frost covering your blanket and the backs of Hansol’s hands, and your fists and wrists felt wet like someone had shoved your hands in water.

Hansol’s eyes were full of concern as he looked at you. He’d heard you screaming and crying, and it woke him up from downstairs. By the time he’d raced up the stairs, almost the entire pack had opened their doors, looking down the hall at your door in concern. Hansol just ignored them, throwing open the door and closing it behind him as he took in the scene before him: your blanket covered in tiny spots of flame, and your fists already completely on fire. He managed to put out the bedding before his hands wrapped around yours, making the flames go out with a sizzle.

Your muscles relaxed slowly as you realized you were awake, and Jiung – if it even was him – was gone. But then the massive throbbing in your head registered, and you broke down crying all over again.

“He left me!” you sobbed, your head hanging as Hansol kept a hold on your wrists. “I hate him!”

Hansol let go of your wrists when he realized you weren’t going to fight him, crawling beside you to wrap his arms around you. You clung to him like your life depended on it, sobbing into his bare chest. He shushed you and rubbed your back, unsure of what exactly happened, but he knew it had to do with Jiung. He was just a bit surprised you were aiming your anger toward your brother and not him.

“Shh, shh, shh, it’s okay,” he cooed softly, pulling you into his lap when he felt your arms wrap around him. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.”

“I hate him,” you kept repeating into Hansol’s neck.

“I know, you’re allowed to be angry at him,” he told you, dipping his head down to try to get you to look at him. “But getting all of this out now will help you to not hate him later.”

You lifted your head slightly to look at Hansol. You heard the soft whine he let out when he saw your face red and covered with tears. He brushed some of the moisture away with his thumb, his face looking genuinely hurt seeing you upset. It made you want to cry all over again. You’d pushed all your anger onto Hansol when you were really just mad at Jiung. And you knew you didn’t really have a reason to be mad at Hansol, you just wanted to give yourself one because you couldn’t be mad at your brother who had died.

You felt awful.

“I’m sorry,” you sniffled, trying not to start crying even harder, but looking at how Hansol looked like a kicked puppy just because you were sad made you feel like an ass – and you were one. “I-I don’t hate you.”

Hansol nodded, brushing hair from your face, “I know, _____; it’s okay.”

He pulled you to his chest once again, letting you get all your tears out. Even when he heard Eunjin screaming, he continued to hold you like nothing was happening. Once you’d finally calmed down and had no more tears left, he slid down into bed, laying you down to sleep.

As you felt him pulling the blankets over you, you mumbled sleepily, “If you leave, I won’t blame you.”

While Hansol wasn’t sure if you just meant for tonight or in general, his answer was still the same.

“I’m not going to leave, I promise.”

[rantracer]

Invader Zim Fandom: Making OOC Characters Right

Having a character you love, then watching another twist them like the world’s funkiest pretzel just so they can fit into someone B-rated plot is, challenging. Truly, it isn’t difficult to see why so many have trouble with OOC characters in fanfiction.

However, I believe that not only is changing characters in small ways a necessity in fanfiction, but it is also fascinating to watch how different individuals interpret or mold the same character. And I think no fandom is better suiter for showing the importance, yet dangers, of OOC characters than Invader Zim.

Invader Zim is a show filled with characters that are either entirely self-interested or completely apathetic, and while one of my secret shameful glees in life is thinking about Invader Zim’s creator Jhonen Vasquez having mini meltdowns on fans giving deeper meaning to his surface level characters (c’mon it’s a little funny), the reality is that Jhonen’s vision of his characters can’t work in the majority of fanfiction, even if fans wanted to make them the same.

How would you even get a story off the ground about Zim and Dib developing a friendship beyond trying to kill/expose each other if they stayed as straightforwardly focused on their respective missions as they always will in-character? How would you have a fanfiction about the positive sibling relationship between Gaz and Dib (pre-Into the Florpus) when their dynamic in the show was all but exclusively toxic.

The truthful answer is the same one that I believe Jhonen would come up with, which is you can’t. The characters must be tweaked in little ways or there is no story.

Which is fine, and honestly preferred as I am given new ways to enjoy the same generalized character. However, why is it then that some of these OOC creations are praised while others are avoided.

The important thing to remember is to make OOCs right. Which is an easier thing to say than do. There are ways to start, such as checking to see if you have the basic ideals and concepts towards a character down. However, the greatest advice I can think to give is to look at a character and how they are reacting to problems and see if they are reacting as a character you have created, or as a body to fill in the appropriate reactions you want.

An OOC character may be necessary to fulfill a plot, but that does not mean the plot controls your character.

For example, let’s look at everyone’s favorite little crazy alien-thing, Zim. Zim is a very emotional character. This means when something tragic happens to him he could rage, scream, cry, panic, or even go into a deep dragging depression and all of those would be in character, in some fandom, somewhere. But, instead of doing any of those things let’s say Zim gets depressingly introspective. Readers get to follow along as Zim spirals, with great clarity of mind, into his sadness and fears, and we are pulled along through all the anxiety ridden rollercoasters this creates.

This is still fine, it’s something that I see a lot in fanfiction, and honestly, it’s probably a way the author deals with troubling situation themselves, but it was in stories like these that I first started seeing commenters shout ‘OOC!’.

Because Zim is not so easily introspective or so quietly fueled by the same anxieties as a human fanfictioner. Zim, even a parallel Zim, is Zim. So how would your new Zim actually react?

OOCness is delightful and I hope everyone knows it, but changing a character still means that what is left behind is, in fact, a character. And characters are consistent, self-reacting, critters of themselves.

As long as that’s done let’s make a million Zims! I can’t wait to watch them take over the world.

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

Can you talk about autistic Hawk/Eil

Sure, I’d love to!!!

Credit where credit is due, of course--I got a lot of my Autistic Eli headcanons from @jackonthelongwalk, who’s got a little more authority to speak on the subject since he’s actually autistic and whatnot. I mainly just saw his takes and was like “THOSE ARE GOOD TAKES” and adopted all of them XD Although I DID come up with a few of my own headcanons!!! I’ll just compile everything here.

~Eli tends to be pretty particular about physical touch, and a lot of the time he doesn’t really like it. Over the years, Demetri’s found that one type of touch that Eli’s okay with is shoulder-squeezing, and it kinda becomes their thing. Typically Demetri giving Eli a quick shoulder squeeze helps comfort him and makes him feel safe by basically reassuring him “I’m here for you, I’ve got your back.” You can see Demetri give Eli a shoulder squeeze in 2x09 when he’s comforting him about Moon, and he does the EXACT same one in the school fight in 2x10 just before kicking him into the trophy case. I think it was his way of saying “even though we’re fighting right now, I still care about you” and that kinda helped snap Hawk out of his near-psychopathic rage. In Season 3, he’s still shitty to Demetri, obviously, but it’s more controlled, not as unhinged or feral--even when Hawk breaks his arm, he hesitates a LOT before and regrets it IMMEDIATELY after in a way I’m not sure his UNCHECKED RAEEEGE self would have during the school fight.

~Over the years Demetri develops kind of a sixth sense of when Eli is about to have a meltdown. He’s able to pick up on super minute changes in body language, changes in the way Eli speaks, small alterations in Eli’s general temperament--basically anything that indicates he’s getting overwhelmed. That’s actually how he discovers the shoulder squeeze tactic--Demetri realizes he needs a quick way to comfort and reassure Eli when he can’t go in for a full hug (like they’re in the middle of class or something) so he can calm Eli down a bit and stop him from having a meltdown. Mainly because Demetri knows the bullies will have a field day if Eli cries in front of the other kids, so the shoulder squeeze develops as sort of a way to protect Eli from this.

~At some point after Demetri first started using the shoulder touch/squeeze on Eli, Eli started also using it on Demetri to quickly communicate affection/appreciation. Demetri isn’t nearly as touch-averse or picky with physical touch as Eli, and would’ve been okay with a number of physical touches, but he’s honestly super touched that Eli saw him doing a thing and was like “Oh hey!!! Demetri does this thing to me and it makes me feel safe and loved, so I’m sure it’ll do the same if I do it to him!!!” It kinda becomes their special touch, and becomes somewhat of a silent “I love you” (although obviously these two clueless idiots are led to believe it’s ONLY platonic love for many, many years XD). You can see Eli give a little shoulder pat/squeeze to Demetri at the beach party in 1x09!!

~Eli really does not like being touched around or under the chin, mainly because this is how bullies like Kyler touch him and it’s triggering for him. Demetri basically never touches him here. Even after they get together and start getting intimate, Demetri tends to touch/stroke Eli’s cheeks or the side of his head if he wants to touch his face, but he avoids touching Eli’s chin like the plague because he knows how much Eli dislikes it. This is something Eli really deeply appreciates--even Moon wasn’t able to catch on to the fact that he didn’t like having his chin touched, and he was too obsessed with coming across as “tough” to her to admit that it bothered him. Moon didn’t mean any harm at all, of course, she just wasn’t able to pick up on his more subtle indications that he wasn’t a huge fan of chin touches. Demetri has come to pick these indications up by second nature.

~The whole thing Demetri does at the beginning of the show where he kinda talks “for” Eli (the thing that, ironically, people loooooove to blast him about for being a “terrible friend”) I think is largely done because Eli is autistic. Eli seems to have a lot of social anxiety right from the get-go--he doesn’t even verbally greet Miguel when he first sits with him and Demetri and Demetri introduces Eli. Eli just kinda awkwardly smiles and nods at him. He’s obviously not great with social cues either, which we see later on--he’s so PAINFULLY oblivious to the fact that Piper is super not at all into it when he tries to hit on her in Season 2. I imagine after a number of social blunders in their youth, and seeing just how uncomfortable and anxious social situations made Eli, Demetri took the reigns and did a lot of communicating FOR Eli to take some of the pressure off of him to talk. I’d argue that once Demetri is taken out of the picture, we can see in full force JUST how socially anxious and uncomfortable Eli really is--he seems damn near terrified trying to stand up for himself against Johnny when Demetri’s not there. He’s lowkey stuttering and tripping over his words, his voice is shaking. He nearly leaves the room in tears. He’s used to letting Demetri be his voice, and this seems to be what makes him feel safest and most secure. When this is taken away, he has to find a new way to protect himself--hence, possibly, the entire Hawk persona.

~Eli has a lot of issues with emotional regulation and often feels emotions really, really strongly and gets overwhelmed by them--as an ADHDer, this is a struggle I understand SO MUCH. When Eli gets really overwhelmed with strong emotion, he tends to have meltdowns. These can be either sadness-based meltdowns (like we see in the flashback) or angry meltdowns (like we see when he beats Brucks up). Due to his emotional regulation issues, Eli has a really hard time hiding his emotions or stopping a meltdown once it kinda onsets--this is why he tends to “bawl” at movies. Once he starts crying, he can’t really stop, or reign it in--it just keeps coming. He also can’t really hold it back--his emotions tend to force their way out, whether he wants them to or not. This is also why he goes so HARD when he’s angry--wailing on Brucks, throwing punch after punch at Demetri at the school fight, getting carried away and attacking Robby’s injured shoulder at the tournament. His anger (and other emotions) tends to just kinda explode out, and he has a really hard time reigning them back in and keeping them in check. Demetri, ever the voice of ration and reason, can help with this--and probably has a lot, historically. With Demetri less and less in the picture and their relationship on the rocks, Eli’s emotions just seem to get even more wild and uncontrolled, particularly his anger. Part of the reason I think Demetri and Eli work so well together--Eli tends to get very caught up in his emotions (no shame in that--I’ll admit I do too!), and needs someone to help him keep his feet on the ground and be the pragmatist who helps him keep things in perspective.

~Karate is most definitely a special interest for him. It lowkey takes over his life and he makes it damn near his entire identity--big special interest energy. And Demetri (at first, at least) is lowkey so supportive!!! Like he goes to the all-valley tournament to support and cheer Eli on, despite not having any personal interest in fighting and seeming to think the whole thing is the kind of dumb macho shit that goes against everything his nerd identity stands for XD But he goes to the tournament anyways to clap for his boyfriend best friend’s badassery!!! The real MVP!!! Also special interests in general (not unlike ADHD hyperfixations) tend to be very random, hence why seemingly out of nowhere Eli gets absolutely OBSESSED with karate.

~Just a random little headcanon I have (I think I mentioned it on one of my general headcanon posts), but I like to think after Eli adopts the whole “Hawk” persona, he gets a special interest in birds of prey in general for a little while. Like back before he’s too “tough” for anything even remotely related to “nerd shit,” he watches nature documentaries on raptors and the whole 9 yards and constantly rambles excitedly to Demetri about how badass he thinks they are, and how cool it is that they can “literally hunt mice from the sky and shit” (probably an exact quote from him). Demetri finds this sudden new obsession both amusing and kind of endearing--but as always, he shows an interest in it and accommodates it as best he can. I imagine he’s seen Eli go through a number of special interests over the years, and is a pro by now on how to handle them (my own childhood best friend is a fellow ADHDer, and he was CONSTANTLY getting new hyperfixations--I imagine it was something like that XD).

~The whole “Hawk” persona in general seems pretty autistic, speaking of that--like it’s almost entirely based in mimicry and masking. Like Hawk pretty frequently mimics Johnny’s expressions, body language, and speech patterns, and (at least at first) Miguel’s fighting style. He also starts to mimic a lot of Kreese’s problematic views and general “never accept defeat” attitude in late Season 2 and Season 3, setting his good old Bastardization Arc in full swing. The whole Hawk thing could easily be masking, especially given how exaggerated and overdramatic Eli’s facial expressions, voice, and actions tend to be when he’s trying to be Hawk. When he slips back into “Eli” (or how he was before he adopted the mask), it’s usually around Demetri (i.e. the Doctor Who conversation)--which makes sense, since Demetri “gets” Eli better than most people and Eli doesn’t have to mask or overexaggerate his expressions or statements to communicate effectively with Demetri. They’ve known each other so long and Demetri is so familiar with his body language and mannerisms that Demetri is able to pick up fairly easily on what Eli’s trying to communicate/express without Eli having to work too hard at getting his point across. It’s why Eli’s expressions and body language aren’t nearly as exaggerated around Demetri, even when he’s trying to intimidate him--he knows he doesn’t have to overstate what he’s doing to communicate with Demetri.

~Relating back to the social troubles and social anxiety thing, I think Eli has always had trouble communicating verbally, hence why he’s so quiet at first. And even when he does get more talkative, a lot of it is mimicking other people’s speech patterns and ideas (namely Johnny’s at first)--it doesn’t really feel like him talking. Even alone with Demetri, he tends to prefer to let Demetri do the talking, hence Demetri saying Eli’s a “man of few words.” He often prefers to communicate nonverbally through body language, and when he DOES communicate verbally, he does it somewhat sparingly and chooses his words carefully, not usually bothering to say things he doesn’t mean (if he isn’t masking, anyways). THIS is why Demetri was so ready to accept such a short, concise “I’m sorry for all of it” from Eli instead of a long, drawn-out apology for each individual thing he did wrong. Eli knows he doesn’t have to bother masking to communicate with Demetri, so he’s not going to bother saying something that isn’t genuine. Eli has never been the greatest at articulating his thoughts verbally either, so TRYING to apologize for each individual thing he did to Demetri would be extremely hard for him, and Demetri knows this. This is why he accepts Eli’s apology without question and doesn’t expect him to elaborate on it. He knows Eli’s communicating a lot more than he’s actually saying aloud, if that makes any sense, and he cares more about the entirety of what Eli’s trying to say rather than just the spoken part. And Eli definitely communicates he’s genuinely remorseful through his actions as well--saving Demetri from the Cobras, teaming up with Demetri afterwards to help Deme’s side win the fight, straight up openly  BETRAYING Kreese and Cobra Kai AT GREAT PERSONAL RISK TO HIMSELF (especially if Tory’s threat is anything to go by!!!) in order to go back to Demetri. Honestly, given everything he knows about Eli and how he operates, expresses himself, and communicates, I highly doubt Demetri expects at all for Eli to go on a long, detailed rant about how sorry he is and is honestly just grateful to have Eli back in his life.

~I think at the beginning of the show, Demetri puts a lot of work into helping Eli feel as safe and secure as possible--possibly in part because Eli’s autism makes him feel kinda isolated as a “freak” or “outcast” or what have you. Demetri makes an effort to crack jokes and make Eli laugh when no one else will, possibly to help Eli feel more relaxed and at ease. And Demetri’s reluctance to try out karate could be a kind of misguided overprotectiveness on his part--he’s spent a lot of time building up their own little world for them where he can keep Eli relatively comfortable, and he’s worried anything that interferes with that or shakes up the status quo is going to stress out or overwhelm Eli too much. Demetri wants to keep things as they are, because even if it’s not perfect, and they still get bullied on the regular, at least he KNOWS how best to help Eli and help him feel better (or at least he thinks he does) in their current situation (i.e. “I think we’d rather spend our afternoons playing Crucible Control than getting hit in the face”). If they were put into a drastically different new situation, he WOULDN’T know how he should best assist and support Eli with it, and that scares him a lot--because he’s ALWAYS kind of intuitively known how to help Eli, and the thought of anything changing that makes him terrified that without him, Eli is going to get really hurt somehow.

I think that just about covers everything--might add more stuff if I think of it! Definitely go check out @jackonthelongwalk’s blog for more quality, in-depth autistic Eli content!!!

[sopafa]

The other side of the immortality P2

WARNING: HEAVY ANGST & MAYOR CHARACTER DEATH

SUMMARY: Douxie sees his friends grow old and die. It's harder than it looks

R18+

It had been 6 months.

Six. Fucking. Months.

It was not enough time to whole process the departure of the trollhunter when Clara went next.

Since the day the Wizard digested the fact that the trollhunter was not around anymore, he purposed himself to spend more time with his beloved ones. So he started to visit Tobias & Darci, Aja & Steve, and Eli & Krel houses. He liked to still talk to them, but if he had to be honest, he liked to spend more time with Claire.

Deep in his heart, he knew that he had always appreciated more Claire, after all, she had been his apprentice, he had reached her how to use and control her magic, and she was as a little sister to him. Even when her complexion was covered with wrinkles, even when her hands shake for the age, and her hair didn't look the same; she was still his little sister. And he loved her.

Douxie liked to spend time with her.

He visited her, and each day he took the time to call her, just to say "good morning" and "how have you been feeling?"

Douxie got a vacation period. It was short. Less than a week actually. But he used that time to go and spend the days on Claire's side. So he made a little backpack and went to visit her. He stayed in her home for 6 days. He took care of her -and Jim's- grandsons while some of their children -that now were adults- thanked him to help them, and visit her.

The Jim memory was still strong living inside the house. A little spot on the living room had some pictures of him, and a couple of flowers and candles were always decorating it. Claire always talked about him, a melancholic tone on her voice, and sometimes a couple of tears rolled through her cheeks.

Douxie had won an important place on the shadow witch's heart. He made her smile.

Like, truly smile.

With his goofy and dumb attitude, he painted a sweet smile on her lips. And each morning, during breakfast, he told her that she looked beautiful, even when she was still in her pajamas, or if she hadn't taken a bath in days, even when she smelled like raisins and cookies because for Douxie's eyes, she actually was still the same Claire.

One day, Enrique Jr. -one of their grandsons- asked him if they could get some ice cream. Douxie, as the best uncle he was, obviously accepted, and took all the children with him. The teenager and the other 5 children went to a little ice cream shop near the house, Hisirdoux does not remember what the kids ordered, but he can't forget the single cup of lemon ice cream that he asked for Claire. She didn't go with them, she was too tired to walk to the shop, but she asked her Teach to bring her something. Douxie knew that lemon ice cream was her favorite. He paid for the desserts before returning with a bunch of happy children.

When he went to Claire to give her the ice cream, she only took two spoonfuls before asking him to save the cup on the fridge for later. Douxie didn't hesitate and did what she asked.

The next day Douxie had to return home. He had work, and a bunch of other stuff on his hands, but at least he had spent a beautiful "week" with Claire.

Two days passed. Tree maybe.

It was a Wednesday. That's the only he can remember.

He woke up early, he went to open the book store, and it was around 7.13 a.m. when a call came to his phone.

"Hisirdoux" It was NotEnrique.

"Oh, hello man." Douxie complain inside his head, that channeling only called him when he needed something, so he started to create a list on his mind of the possible things he could ask him.

"It's Zoe and Archie there?" He looked at the backdoor that connected to his department.

"Yeah, why?"

The tome of NotEnrique changed.

"Its Claire." The smile of his face erase "She is not longer with us"

Silence.

"Douxie? You know what I mean, right?" The voice of NotEnrique started to brek "My sister is gone".

And he was on autopilot again.

He clung to the phone on his hands and walked to his department, he opened the door of his bedroom without caring waking up Zoe, and he kneeled on Archie's bed.

The familiar looked at him.

"Claire passed away". He said, with the voice of NotEnrique sobbing trou the phone speaker.

"Oh, no..." Archie and Zoe shared a look.

He took the same backpack of the trip he had done a week ago and changed the clothes inside. Archie prepared some food for the road, and Zoe took the keys. They were going to Arcadia.

They were going to go see Clair.

The trip was quiet, Hisirdoux put on his headphones and listened to some music the whole way, but again, he couldn't cry.

When they finally arrived they didn't let him see her body.

"They are preparing her for the coffin. The embalmed is a process that can't be stopped". Someone explained him.

He found NotEnrique in minutes.

"How-" Douxie started.

The channeling bit his lips before start "She did not wake up. She passed away sleeping. And she was- she was so peaceful- Her look was-" The wizard nodded.

"When are we going to be able to see her?"

"The wake starts tomorrow, 5 a.m. For now, why don't you come with me to the house? All her grandsons and kids want to see you".

They asked him if he was fine. They asked him so many times.

But in this time, he told the truth.

"I'm not fine. But I do not believe that she is gone" Douxie said. "I know when I figure the new, it's going to hurt. I know it. And I want to cry, because if I let this accumulate, as I did with Jim..."

"Hey" Blinky put a hand on his shoulder. "I know what that feels. But can I tell you something? It is better to broke in here, to have a meltdown in here. Where we -your family- are, so that way we can help you, and be with you. So take your time, but leave us help"

Aaaarghhh nodded, and Douxie felt appreciated for that.

He woke around 3.30 a.m. He took a bath and dresses in the same black suit he used before. They were in the car at 4:30 and whey arrive at the mortuary at 5.

On the day of Claire's wake, it was raining. I huge storm with thunders and lightning received the new day, as a way of the universe to cry about the Witch's death. Douxie believed that it was beautiful, and yet, too out of a movie to be real. Ironic, right?

There was no one inside when they arrived. Obviously, who crazy idiot would be on a mortuary at fucking 5 a.m.?

Well, only two wizards, their cat-dragon-familiar, and two of the passed away's children.

In the beginning, Douxie couldn't get near the coffin. He just, couldn't.

But after a moment, he did.

It was just as NotEnrique had said. She looked so peaceful, and a sweet smile was drawn on her lips. She didn't look dead. She looked asleep.

But even after seeing her, Douxie couldn't digest the news.

The ceremony before the burial was around 1 p.m. By that moment, the rain had stopped and a blue sky shined outside, trolls and humans were inside the church to commemorate her fellow, and Zoe took Douxie's hand when they got in.

The whole ceremony he couldn't lease a single word of that the pastor was saying, he just sank in his thoughts, remembering all their moments together, and their last week...

That's when he broke.

Zoe saw him sank his head between his hands, and start sobbing. Fat tears and laments of sadness escaped through his body. She hugged him during most part of the ceremony.

At least, until the pastor asked to her family to came in front. NotEnrique and Douxie were also asked to join, and put their hands upon the coffin. They prayed some last words, and then Douxie listed it.

No blast or spots of blue magic came. No broken windows this time. Nothing but true sad emotions.

Douxie does not remember what happened next, but Blinky does.

The wizard clung to the wooden box in front of him, and kneel to it as if his feet didn't work anymore.

The ceremony ended and he was still there, clinging to her side, sobbing strong and fast.

But they needed to move the coffin. They needed to translate her to the cemetery. And they couldn't do it if Douxie was still held in it.

It took both Aaarghh force and Blinkus 6 arms to pull him out. Blinky hugged him by the back, to stop him to return running to the coffin, and slowly he seated up on the floor, pulling Douxie with him.

Hisirdoux saw how they slowly took Claire off of the church, he saw it through the whole way, and he screamed between sad sobs, he didn't care about making a scene. He needed to be on her side. He needed to say goodbye.

BUT HE DIDN'T WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE.

When they downed the coffin inside the grave, he left a white flower in it.

They asked to leave a ground fist, but he couldn't do it.

"I will always going to give her flowers, she loved flowers. But I'm not going to put a ground fist, because you're asking me to bury her. And I'm never going to do that".

The worst part was after the funeral when all the kids asked him to make them something to eat. So, he did, he opened the fridge, searched for some frozen meals in the freezer, and when he saw the cup of lemon ice cream, half-eaten, still with the plastic spoon that he had given her.

Since that day, Douxie never ate Lemmon ice cream again.

In memory of C.A. & P.M.  My own Jim and Claire.

[deadboyswalking]

I was writing for my musician au shigadabi fic after a year long hiatus and suddenly I have brain rot for a completely different fic idea just because I heard “wires” by the neighbourhood.

An au in which tenko’s family still dies but his father gets away. Tenko lives with his father who blames him for the whole family’s demise and is still an abusive asshole. Tenko meets touya at sekoto peak and prevents the incident. They become friends and promise each other that they’ll be heroes together and prove to their respective dads that they can be great heroes. They go to UA and start dating. Both of them hate to see each other suffer because of their fathers but they can’t do much besides supporting each other. They have a little quarrel one day, nothing too bad it’s just a stupid couples quarrel but it happens on the day of the incident with rei and shoto. When shoto lashes at Enji about it all being his fault not their mother’s touya is also there and he also lashes out. He fights with Enji and gets thrown out of the house. He runs to sekoto peak and loses control of his fire.

Time skip to two years later touya wakes up in AFO’s lab while everyone thinks he died. Touya becomes dabi, AFO’s heir and the leader of league. Meanwhile tenko has graduated and has newly started working as a hero, but he’s not even close to being over touya’s death. He feels empty and alone, he doesn’t have many friends, just spinner who he met through games and people he knows by working as a hero but they’re not really friends they’re just coworkers. Tenko blames himself for Touya’s death. He thinks he should’ve done more to help him, should’ve went over to his house or sekoto peak instead of just calling and texting him that day. Tenko ends up having a meltdown at sekoto peak where he calls spinner because he’s the only person he can trust enough to ask for help. Spinner was with the league when he got the call but he didn’t ignore it because tenko never called so it must’ve been something important. Dabi overhears the phone call and follows spinner to sekoto peak. His heart breaks and he sees tenko scratch his neck raw and cry all while saying that his “death” was his fault. Dabi wants to comfort his tenko tell him none of it was his fault but he’s scared. He’s scared of being hated by tenko when he sees the kind of monster touya has become. He’s no longer the touya tenko was in love with. He’d rather have tenko think he’s dead than hate him. But as tenko cries Dabi’s feet mover before he can stop himself and tenko sees him. Tenko’s eyes widen and dabi can see that tenko immediately recognised him. The shock and emotional distress becomes too much and tenko faints…..

Ahhhhh I have like so much of the story planned out but I don’t wanna start this one before I finish my first fic 😭😭😭

👀 this sounds super interesting I can't wait to read it!

[stayevildarling]

Sally McKenna x Wilhemina Venable x Reader - A little help Pt 5

word count: 3.1k

warnings: smoking, mention of drugs, hints of smut, cursing, panic attacks, anxiety

A/N: This is an eight-part story, hope you enjoy

Rushing through the busy halls of university, your mind is racing, the thoughts so loud it sounds like bees in your head and the thoughts just won't stop buzzing, causing your vision to blur slightly, ears ringing and trembling hands, the feeling of panic and losing control of the situation any moment. You rush into the nearest bathroom, bursting the nearest door open and quickly closing it, dropping your bag and books onto the floor and sliding down the wall, trying to calm down.

Shakily you try and reach for your phone to distract yourself, maybe playing a video or maybe even messaging them but you feel woozy with every movement of your body and so you close your eyes and abandon the thought of getting your phone out of your bag. ''Breathe idiot'' you remind yourself and you try a technique that has occasionally worked in the past before, whenever you felt a panic attack coming.

''Breathe in 4-3- nope nope not working too much too loud'' you try but fail miserably at keeping your breathing under control. ''Shit'' you mutter, noticing that the feeling isn't passing and the panic only growing but how the hell did you end up hyperventilating, sitting on the bathroom floor of your university?

After Sally's relapse a few weeks back, you taking her to Mina's work and going cold-turkey, things have changed and somehow took a more unexpected turn than you expected to. Sally struggled and she struggled badly at first, she couldn't cope, constantly having you or Wilhemina around, not able to get out of the house, only on walks where you two would accompany her. There were times when she felt hatred towards you two, but not really you two more what you are doing to her or rather keeping Sally from doing to herself. There were a lot of sleepless nights, you and Wilhemina taking turns, watching her and guiding her through this journey of detoxing her body from the drugs. It was constant ups and downs, it was really hard at first with all the withdrawal symptoms and the times she would just be throwing up everything she would eat or drink and you and Wilhemina often debating whether you need to get doctors involved.

There were the good days when caffeine and nicotine helped Sally's urges and you three actually had really good days together, snuggled up on the sofa, watching everyone's favorite movies and enjoying the quiet and each other's company. Then things started going downhill, with Wilhemina having to go into work again and you looking after Sally while she was still at home , blogging from home and posting a lot to distract herself from the withdrawal symptoms.

Everything went okay at first, Mina leaving early in the morning like she usually would, with a lunch bag you packed for her the night before, just like you usually would. You woke up, snuggling closer to Sally and enjoying some quality time with her, before she sat on the sofa, working on her blog and you decided to carry on finishing your thesis because deadlines were coming up. You two sat on the sofa together in comfortable silence, just working and it was almost calming but just almost.

You were unaware that day, that Sally was fighting the most recent and hardest battle with her addiction and that her body was craving something more than just caffeine to fight this empty feeling. Maybe it was the fact that Wilhemina had to go to work and Sally knowing you are different than Wilhemina, not as strong, not as strict.

At first you thought everything was okay and when she got up, you absent-mindedly asked what she was doing, only for her to tell you she is going to the toilet. You didn't think too much of it until you heard things smashing, being thrown across the bathroom and so you instantly rushed inside the bathroom, only to find a very overwhelmed Sally, searching through every draw and cabinet to find something, anything even Mina's painkillers, just anything so she could feel release and at peace but you and Mina were smarter than that beforehand and hid any potential dangers.

''Sally'' you pleaded, understanding immediately what was going on. ''I don't fucking care Y/N I need something'' she screamed in your face while tears streamed down her cheeks. ''Where are your cigarettes?'' you asked feeling helpless, although you are very aware that cigarettes and the stuff Sally is used to, are very different. ''I ran out'' she admitted and you took a step closer to her, putting your hands on her shoulders, your eyes begging her to calm down.

''We can go and buy some right now, let's get dressed okay?'' you asked and it took two more meltdowns before she agreed to leave the house with you.

From that day on, things took a more positive turn however and you and Wilhemina got Sally to agree to go to group counseling therapy, where she would sit with a group of people, twice a week to talk about her feelings and experiences.

At first she really didn't want to go and begged you to go with her and of course you did. Sally settled in surprisingly well and she actually started looking forward to those meetings, you and Wilhemina insisted on driving her and somebody would always take her there and pick her up again after an hour. Whenever you drove her for the first few weeks, you would actually wait in the parking lot, just making sure she doesn't just pretend to go inside and leave again as soon as you or Wilhemina left.

But she didn't and you didn't learn the reason for this until a while later, because the aspect of socialising at these sessions really helped Sally. Having a group of strangers there, sharing similar stories and her finally understanding her behavior and learning that she isn't responsible for this and that it's a cycle that is very hard to escape, especially when attempting to fight it alone. She would regularly walk back to the car with the happiest smile, reaching another milestone, one week clean, two weeks clean and soon it will be one month.

Sally would talk about what she learned that day, what the others shared, she talked about someone there relapsing and how it made her feel. To motivate her further you bought this calendar and hung it the kitchen where she can mark her appointments but also her milestones.

Just when Sally, one of the two most important people of your life started doing better, you still aware that she isn't magically cured and still on this hard path of battling and fighting her demons, your other lover Wilhemina at last cracked under the pressure of the past few weeks.

With Wilhemina it's different than Sally, you would never find her broken and sad on the sofa after crying herself to sleep. You would never have her admit something is wrong, you would never hear a single complaint coming from her and that's the dangerous thing with the redhead. She is a master at hiding and shielding her emotions, of course, you got her to open up gradually and break those walls down, to get her to open up, get her to be honest, and communicate feelings or things on her mind, just like she would expect of you.

It all started with her physical therapy appointments, for years she has attended those for her back, she would do exercises there or do them at home. You being the mastermind at planning every aspect of your and their lives, you also wrote her appointments in the calendar and usually Wilhemina and Sally would tick of their appointments when finished but inspecting the calendar a bit closer one afternoon, you noticed that she hasn't ticked one off in a very long time.

''Maybe she forgot but went there'' you tried convincing yourself, remembering the many times she has told you she went to an appointment or did the exercises at home when you and Sally would be at work. It wasn't until two days later when you found out the truth, after Wilhemina calling you from work

''Little one, are you free?'' she asked and even though you were sitting in the university library, working of course you said you are because you know whenever Wilhemina calls and needs a favor it's urgent. ''Yes what is it Mina?'' you asked

''Can you call the doctors I need my pain medication again, I'm heading into a meeting now but I can pick up the prescription tomorrow morning'' she let you know and of course you did as she asked.

However, when ringing the doctors office, that you have sometimes rang or been to before when Mina needed something, they informed you that Wilhemina shouldn't be receiving any pain medication for another week, because she should still have some left and on top of that they informed you that she hadn't attended her physical therapy appointments in a while.

When the call ended you felt this silence, despite sitting outside of your university, hearing students talk, cars drive by and even some bird chirping, it was silent. Because that moment was a wakeup call, a slap from reality right in the face, reminding you that Sally isn't the only one fighting her battles even if she fights them more openly.

''It can't be a coincidence'' you tried reminding yourself and as you drove home that day your anxiety was so high, fearing Wilhemina's reaction and confronting her because you knew deep down already, no matter how you would possibly say it, she will be mad.

''For fucks sake Y/N I have attended those shitty appointment and I don't have medication left, those doctors are useless'' she cursed and neither you nor Sally have seen her like that in a while. You debated whether to fight her on this, get her to lash out but in the end admit the truth, let you and Sally in so you could be there for her and comfort her, just that never happened.

''It doesn't matter I will call them myself in the morning'' she told you. This has now been about a week ago and things became a little strange at home, Wilhemina and you wouldn't talk as much, of course, you talked, greeting each other and small talk but there was this huge wall standing between you two, none of you knowing whether to start and break it down.

Your mind being occupied by something entirely different, made it difficult to focus on Wilhemina or Sally in this past week, of course you asked them how they are, you listened, you made them baths, you did anything but university pulled you right into this ocean again, waves of responsibilities and deadlines crashing right at you.

Maybe you pushing away your own problems, stress and anxiety for over a month now, solely focussing on your two girlfriends and their wellbeing, reality and the lack of self care is finally hitting you, causing you to almost collapse on the bathroom floor of your university.

The sad part is that you did it, you finished your thesis about three days ago and today is finally the day where you are allowed to hand it in and finally have the stress come to an end, with no more obligatory classes now and you just having a break until you recieve your grades.

For the past five days or so, you haven't been able to sleep, eat or drink a lot. Of course you would occasionally force yourself to have a bite or some water or fall asleep, sitting in Mina's office in the middle of the night, reading over your thesis and work again and again. Usually before these things Mina would read over it, making sure you didn't get anything mixed up or any spelling mistakes, from all the hours of writing, researching. But within this past week, things have been so strange that you didn't want to ask her.

Still hyperventilating you are pulled out of the buzzing and loud thoughts when you hear your phone ringing. Closing your eyes, you hold your hand out and try reaching for your backpack and you manage to find a strap and pull it onto your body. Momentarily you wrap your arms around your bag as if it was a shield, stopping this crushing feeling in your chest, the pain and the thoughts, as if bullets of thoughts are being shot against you and your backpack shielding you.

But the vibration of your phone is tugging you out of this state yet again, even just for a moment. Somehow you manage to open the zip of your bag and you reach for your phone, the vibration making it easy to find with your eyes still closed, the dizzy feeling still too strong. Finally you manage to open your eyes and see Sally's photo through a blurry vision and you press the green button on your screen and the speaker button next, thinking it will be too much to actually lead the phone to your ear.

''Hi pumpkin'' her angelic voice rings through the speakers and somehow, even in this dark and scary moment you manage to smile. ''He- hey'' you manage to say and you can hear ruffling in the background

''I'm just going to one of my meetings and I was wondering how my pumpkin is doing'' she says and the crushing feeling in your chest, replaces with a fluttering feeling, you feel whenever being referred to as either their little one or pumpkin.

''By the way me and Mina were wondering when is your thesis due?'' she asks while lighting a cigarette in the car. ''I- today'' you say, feeling your breathing very slowly calming down and going to a more normal state.

''Today?'' she asks a bit shocked and she pauses for a moment, confused why you didn't mention that before, knowing how important that is to you. ''Yeah'' you mumble ''How come you didn't tell us, I could have taken you there today pumpkin or Mina could have read it again'' she asks.

Opening your eyes now, you see the time and realize you have to hand in your thesis now so you quickly try and prop yourself up, Sally's voice still right there, making you feel save and relaxed. ''I'm sorry I gotta go I have to hand it in now'' you explain and Sally nods before saying ''Good luck, love you pumpkin''.

After standing up and grabbing your bag slowly, you hold onto the bathroom walls, the last bit of stability that you have right now to hold on to, to shield you and keep you from losing control. After taking one more steady and deep breath, you unlock the door and walk towards the sink, putting some cold water on your wrists and also your face.

You open your backpack and grab a lemon gum because the sour taste usually distracts you from whatever is bothering you and the buzzing thoughts. Finally leaving the bathroom, you walk past the classrooms and hallways filled with students, for what kind of feels like one of the last times.

Your time at university flashes before your eyes in this moment, you see the main entrance and you remember the many times Sally or Mina would take you here on a monday morning after spending a beautiful weekend with them and them not having to go into work until the day later.

The places you stood, like your locker for instance, where Sally would sometimes call you and ask for help or Mina calling you and asking about your day and classes. You remember wandering these halls a few years back, before meeting Sally and Wilhemina and feeling confused as to how on earth you could ever get rid of this lonely feeling or the little skip of your heart, whenever you saw a couple kiss or hold hands. Then just about a year after, you found them and you then knew what it feels like to be held, to be kissed or to intertwine your hands with theirs.

''Oh hi there'' you hear Miss Anderson's voice and suddenly you snap out of your memories and thoughts. ''Hello Miss'' you reply with a polite smile and as you look at her you can see her features changing. ''Oh dear you don't look so well, are you okay?'' she asks and you simply nod, not really wanting to go into any details about your panic attacks or the state you were in moments before, but you can't deny how pale you are and how shaken you seem.

''Have you handed in your thesis yet?'' she asks but you shake your head ''I was just on the way'' you explain and she gives you an emphatic smile before saying ''I was just on my way over there too, come on'' and you follow her to the classroom where you are meant to hand it in.

As you arrive, you see some of your classmates, leaving the classroom, high-fiving each other and leaving with such a relieved and carefree expression, all the assignments, all the stress and exams finally over and the many sleepless nights now feeling like they were worth something.

You are greeted by Miss Parker ''Hi dear'' she greets you and you open your backpack and hand her your thesis with shaky hands, still not completely recovered from the panic attack. She looks at you, then Miss Anderson while retrieving the big folder that you carefully picked, every font, every word filled with so much detail. ''You just need to sign here now'' she explains and you do and she gives you a document after, that confirms you handed the biggest part of your entire work and time here, in now.

''You should probably get home and get some rest after all this exhausting time'' Miss Anderson suggests and you nod before Miss Parker jokingly says ''Oh come on she's young, she should be out celebrating'' and you smile at them before saying ''I will'' without explaining which suggestion you actually referred to and leaving the classroom with a polite smile.

[moggieblanket-blog]

Meltdowns VS Panic Attacks

This is going to be a bit of a PSA on the difference between meltdowns and panic attacks, because there are many out there who don’t know the difference.  I will describe how each of these looks for me, but keep in mind that everyone is different and has different symptoms and triggers, so what looks like a meltdown in me could be completely different from someone else’s experiences.

Panic Attacks:  I don’t get these very often.  They usually occur as a result of something triggering my PTSD, like hearing voices or noises outside my door, being followed too closely by a stranger, having someone touch me unexpectedly from behind or seeing or hearing reminders of the event that caused the trauma.  

My panic attacks cause me to hyperventilate, freeze and go rigid, or run and hide behind the nearest door or object.  My whole body shakes and I can’t catch my breath; my extremities tingle, cramp and go numb from the excess oxygen caused by my heavy breathing.  I feel outside myself, like I’m observing the world from a distance, and I get nauseated and feel sick.  These usually last until whatever triggered them has abated, or until someone helps me get my breathing under control.

Meltdowns:  I get meltdowns a few times a month, and they are most often the result of sensory overload.  I am very sensitive to loud noises and crowds of people, and being surrounded by them for too long can trigger a meltdown.  They can also be caused by emotional distress, most frequently anger or frustration, and sometimes anxiety or confusion.

For me, meltdowns feel like an explosion inside my chest and stomach.  I hyperventilate in an effort to gain control over the intense rage or panic I feel, but it’s not the out of control “I can’t breathe” hyperventilation I get with panic attacks; it’s a deliberate attempt to calm myself down before the feelings erupt.  Next I’ll start stimming hard with my hands; flapping, clapping, squeezing, wringing my fingers, anything to keep my hands occupied so I can’t hit myself.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll start banging my fists on my legs in an effort to externalize some of the internal pain, and that most often rapidly devolves into head banging and yelling.  I don’t say anything, it’s more of an animalistic wail, the kind people make when they’ve injured themselves and are in great pain.  If the head banging isn’t enough, I’ll resort to biting my hands and fingers in an effort to let off steam.  At this point, if anyone tries to touch, talk to or intervene with me in any way, they are in danger of being lashed out at physically.  I feel scared and trapped, and other people only make the sensory problems worse.  The only two things that work to end a meltdown for me are restraint and/or time.  If I’m left alone, the meltdown will burn itself out and I’ll crash with exhaustion, but not until I’ve done some significant damage to myself.  Restraint when done properly can also end a meltdown, because it creates a deep squeezing pressure over my core and helps me calm down.

Sometimes panic attacks can turn into meltdowns.  If the fear I’m feeling from a PTSD trigger is great enough, it can cause me to lose control, as it feels like the world is ripping apart at the seams.  I’ll hit myself in a desperate effort to regain control of my body and emotions, and those first strikes can quickly escape my conscious ability to stop when I want.  It feels like riding down a hill in a wagon; there are no brakes, I just keep going faster and faster until things level out for long enough or I crash into something on the way down.

The important thing to remember when you see someone having either a meltdown or a panic attack is that neither episode is within the person’s control.  We can’t just stop because you want us to, and we want it to be happening even less than you do, so be patient and kind, and if you interact with someone who has such incidents regularly, ask during a calm moment what you can do to help them, because getting frustrated or dismissive is not helpful for anyone.

Anyone with any questions about meltdowns or panic attacks is welcome to message me, and I’ll do my best to answer!

[adultingautistic]

I was the one who asked if there's a way to tell if you experience sensory sensitivities or if what you experience is just neurotypical.

So for one, a couple days ago, my step-mom's friend's daughter was here. She's 9-years-old and my brother was "jokingly" scaring her and she would keep screaming at the very top of her lungs and I kept plugging my ears because it hurt. My brother made fun of me and said I was being "stupid" for doing that. To this day, I can't comprehend how her screaming didn't hurt his ears. It got to a point where even after she stopped for a while, it felt like my ears were ringing even though they weren't.

Ever since I was younger, I always told people "I have sensitive hearing" but I only told that to people because I don't like loud noises unless I can control it (music). I don't actually know if it's true that my hearing is sensitive or not, but I notice when I'm the only person plugging my ears, it makes me question. If I can avoid loud noises, I always make the choice to do so. When our dogs are barking and yowling a lot, I get irritated and I can't stand it. At school, I always avoided pep assemblies if I could because I always told people my hearing was too sensitive to deal with it. But at the same time, I don't know if I've experienced sensory overload caused by anything other than emotional sensory information, if that makes sense...

I get meltdowns and shutdowns, but I always associated them with stressful emotional moments, but I can't tell if other sensory input like sound or visuals also added to it.

There are textures I hate, like crayons, so through my entire life I have never used crayons if I was given a choice. Certain papers bother me a lot, but I've learned to deal with them. I notice when I'm the only person wearing a coat in cold weather. Textures bother me to a point where I'm glad I have to wear gloves at work because every time I touch something gross, dirty, or something that bothers me, I always end up washing my hands.

But at the same time, I can "deal" with these things ?

I experience same-fooding and I have ADHD and I experience SO many autism symptoms, but it's so hard to know if I am autistic because I have so much trauma and my ADHD is so bad and so is my depression and anxiety that I can't tell if certain things I experience are due to trauma, ADHD, or it actually is autism, but I can say that I watched a video about one person's experience with their autism and I cried because I related so much and my autistic friend says that it believes I might be autistic as well.

Original ask date: September 16th

Hi there!  Thank you so much for putting in the work to describe your sensory experiences more in detail, so I can give you a better answer.

So upon reading this, no, this is not a neurotypical experience.  You observed how neurotypicals respond- they don’t cover their ears.  They don’t wear their coat.  They touch the crayons and they don’t care about the type of paper.  

All of these experiences you listed are sensory sensitivity, to a T.  The fact that you are able to “deal” with it isn’t what makes you neurotypical- a neurotypical person doesn’t have to deal with it, because for them, there is nothing to be dealt with.  So having to deal with it means there is something there that you’re dealing with- and that thing is sensory sensitivity.

Sensory sensitivity is one of the symptoms that overlaps between ADHD and autism.  So it is entirely possible that your sensory-sensitive experiences are caused by your ADHD.

From this scientific study on children with ADHD:

One type of sensory processing problem is sensory over-responsivity or sensory hypersensitivity. That is, individuals respond to sensory stimuli in the way that is faster, longer, or more intense than what is expected. This response can be towards any types of sensory stimuli. Sensory over-responsivity can be considered as an independent diagnosis. For example, a child with tactile sensitivity or defensiveness might be defensive for hair-brushing and/or haircuts because she/he cannot tolerate it easily.

This sounds to me exactly like what you are experiencing.

It makes perfect sense that you would relate to autism experiences in this way, because sensory sensitivity and meltdowns are a very common symptom of autism, and it is one we share with ADHD.  

But at the same time, I don't know if I've experienced sensory overload caused by anything other than emotional sensory information, if that makes sense... That makes total sense, and my question is...what else do you think causes sensory overload?  Emotional sensory information IS sensory overload.  That’s the cause of it.  There are two things that contribute to overload in a brain: emotionally distress, and too much sensory input (such as touching Bad Textures or hearing Bad Sounds, etc.) This is exactly what overload is.

I get meltdowns and shutdowns, but I always associated them with stressful emotional moments, but I can't tell if other sensory input like sound or visuals also added to it. The answer is yes.  Emotional distress and sensory distress compound each other.  This means if you are emotionally upset, your ability to process sensory input is reduced.  Or if you are experiencing sensory distress, then your ability to handle emotions is reduced.  They are both things that “fill the overload tank” in your brain, and a person can get overloaded from either Too Much emotions OR Too Much sensory input OR a combo of both.

None of these experiences are neurotypical.  Both are things experienced by people with ADHD and people with autism.  Both ADHD and autism have a lot in common, and so people with one very often relate to the experiences of people with the other.

You also may have autism as well.  It is very common for people who have one to also have the other.  So if you feel you might have autism too, it can’t hurt to go and get tested for it.  If there are some symptoms you experience that ADHD doesn’t explain, that is an indication you may have autism as well.  But you are most certainly neurodiverse, and it makes perfect sense that you would related to autistic experiences regarding sensory experiences and meltdowns, because those are not neurotypical experiences at all.

[this-is-quite-homoerotic]

Yo! What did you think of the Expectant audio? I think it's the only TW audio that I listened to and thought mmm, that could've been so much more :( I get that it needed to have action and adventure but it kinda felt really obvious that the writer wasn't comfortable with Barrowman's dream. I think I expected better after how good so many audios like Broken have been :(

I’ll forgo spoilers in the first part for those who haven’t listened to the audio but might be interested in seeing a review, but there’ll be spoilers under the cut!

Anon, I agree with you! It definitely could have been so much better. I actually like the concept of the audio a lot, but the execution was... not to my taste, let’s say. To be fair, it really is a matter of taste, I personally didn’t like the humour, it did not mesh well with my sensibilities, though I also think it felt... outdated? I’m talking specifically about the sense of humour here.

The kind of jokes they made felt like something I might have found funny in the early 2000s when I didn’t know any better, before I examined some of the tropes/messages/expectations I’d absorbed from society and media (more about this under the cut because spoilers). The thing that bothered me the most about it was that it felt to me like the humour in it had not caught up to 2020 sensibilities, and Expectant is, first and foremost, a comedy piece. So if the humour’s failing then that’s a big problem.

Your mileage may vary, though, humour is a matter of taste after all. Interestingly, I actually think John Barrowman enjoyed the script and had fun getting to act it out? This is just the impression I got (certainly, he might have played it a bit differently if he didn’t), and I think this might be a generational thing as well as a matter of taste and sense of humour.

Spoilers below

As I said, I actually love the general concept of the audio: Jack, grieving and at a loss for what to do in the face of losing half his team, offers to carry an old alien friend’s child for them when political scheming means the unborn child might be in danger, in the hopes of ensuring the child’s safety, political stability for several planets, and (it is implied) as a symbol of hope that there’s good things in the universe too, not just loss and devastation.

There are obvious obstacles to Jack carrying a pregnancy while still being an active Torchwood agent, which is an interesting and fun thing that’s explored from the first scene: Jack has got used to being immortal and doing his job might well get him killed. Normally this isn’t a problem but if he dies while pregnant the baby can die too. But Torchwood is understaffed and still adapting to being a three-person team, so Jack has agreed to carrying the baby only if he can keep on working.

An interesting premise, vaguely tied in with a big moment from the show and the emotional fallout which wasn’t explored much in the show itself (Tosh and Owen’s deaths and how they affected Jack), some stakes from the get-go, plus a new original alien character (Jonty). So far, so good.

There are two main things that got in the way of me enjoying the audio: 1) how Jack was depicted as being hysterical during the pregnancy (and this being played for laughs), and 2) the indirect fatshaming (literally why, this was so unnecessary).

In the first case, they decided to write Jack as so emotionally unbalanced by the hormonal changes of the pregnancy that he had severe mood swings, with him breaking down crying supposedly triggered by insignificant things (like when he cries over a cupcake? Or something similar, I can’t be bothered to check). Jack having a meltdown would not be a bad thing to explore in an audio, except it felt to me as though they were using it as a joke? Like a “ha ha look how messed up he is by being pregnant, he’s so hormonal and out of control, isn’t that hilarious? Isn’t it so funny that this character is breaking down like a hormonal woman? Isn’t his pain just the funniest thing you’ve heard? :))))” (Sidenote but I also felt like John Barrowman overacted in these scenes, it didn’t sound like he was crying, it sounded like he was play-acting crying, and that didn’t help.)

The second thing was the whole fat camp-style spa subplot. While trying to get Jack to safety, Jonty takes Jack, who is heavily pregnant and showing, to a ““health spa”“ (read: weight-loss place) where Jack is put under a strict unhealthily-restrictive diet (especially given that he’s pregnant??), controlled by the overbearing spa lady (she literally takes food off his hands and watches him like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t “”overeat””), repeatedly fat-shamed, and this is all presented as a funny gag, presumably because he’s not really fat, he’s just pregnant! But people don’t know because he’s male/male-presenting, so all the micro-aggressions and abuse he’s subjected to are funny, right? Jack not being allowed to eat despite being hungry and heavily-pregnant is totally something to laugh at, surely (/s).

Disclaimer: this is not actually portrayed as though the fat-shaming is righteous and just behaviour, it’s sort of implied that the “”health-nuts”“ running the place were obsessive and weird, but that doesn’t change the fact that the whole subplot could have been something else entirely? Like, they obviously thought this was funny. Also, I won’t get into specifics but I am personally sensitive to these issues, so I can definitely see how some people might not be turned off by this at all; as I said, your mileage may vary and this is my own take on it.

So, these are my main issues with the audio. I don’t think the writer was uncomfortable with the concept as you say, Anon; I’d actually argue the opposite. It’s just that their take on it and their sense of humour were maybe not very in-tune with modern sensibilities (or with mine, at least) and the story suffered for it.

They took a look at the idea (a male/male-presenting character being pregnant) and came up with the worst tired comedy tropes for it: mood swings (and the resulting distress) played up for laughs, an emphasis on how big the character got being made fun of/criticised with an incomprehensible fatshaming subplot, they even threw in a reference that Jack’s previous pregnancy (mentioned in his first line in ep 1 of Torchwood) was a student prank (because men being pregnant is funny, I guess). Okay, that last one is a bit unfair, I just didn’t like it. They could have made Jack’s first pregnancy something meaningful (him carrying a friend’s child as a surrogate out of love for that friend, him carrying his own child born out of a relationship, etc.) but instead they made it into a cheap one-liner joke, and yeah it does fit into the tone of the audio, but that’s the problem: I did not like the overall tone of it.

There were some scenes with Ianto that were nice, and a couple of Owen and Tosh mentions that I enjoyed, and it’s interesting that you mention the action and adventure in your ask because I actually didn’t mind those aspects at all? The action was fine with me, it was the non-action parts mostly that bothered me (the emotional tone and sense of humour like I said).

This is probably more thoughts that you wanted but I was quite disappointed with this one (and I was so looking forward to canon mpreg), so I thought I’d take the opportunity to explain why. I do acknowledge that it was a matter of my own sense of humour and sensibilities not meshing well with the writer’s (I just checked and to my shock the writer is a woman; I would have put money on them being a cis man).

This one missed the mark with me. Badly.