#but also because ive been doing a lot of things for her so
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YESSSSSSSS YES YES GOD. OH MY GODDDDDD. RIPPING MY SHIRT OFF LIKE THE HULK. YOU GET IT OP. I LOVE PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS (Says the aroace guy . Like okay fork found in kitchen cmon now)
No cuz LISTEN. romance and attraction is something that is constantly front in center in society as a whole….its a lot more understood than friendship or familial relationships. so it probably makes SENSE to hugo at least in concept.
Attraction is understood by a lot of people as like a biological instinct (And obviously its more complex than that but thats the most Basic idea thats been held for most of history i think). And hugos definitely been Attracted to people before. I think he kind of just sees it as a nuisance tbh. He just tries to gaslight himself into pretending it isnt there.
But platonic love….you dont have that physical reaction yknow??? I mean ive had what i can describe as platonic “crushes” before but it’s different….It could be different for other people ofc but in my experience platonic love kind of sneaks up on you. You might not even really notice its there. One day you’ll just be looking at someone and you’re like, “oh yeah. This one. Theyre the one. Theyre safe.”
They affect you in little ways. like influencing the way you think or the way you speak and you dont notice until someone points it out. You’ll pick up on words they use and everyday things will make you think of them. ITS JUST. GAH!!! I LOVE PLATONIC LOVE!!
I think platonic love is SUCH an important part of hugo’s general role in the story because like….This isnt his first rodeo remember? Hes done jobs for donella before. Hes probably crushed on a few people before. Maybe even people hes worked with. But clearly its never affected his performance before. none of these crushes have Permanently rewired his brain and this perspective he has of the world.
The reason team radical has such an impact on him is NOT just bc she’s gay for varian. It’s bc ALL OF THEM are the first people who have just Genuinely cared about her, with no ulterior motives, no strings attached, no romantic connotations, no nothing. Theyre the first people she’s actually connected with and felt like she could be herself around. and they’re the first to actually able to counter these mindsets that are so Natural to her- these mindsets that it’s every man for himself, that relationships are all temporary, and that she’s not fundamentally deserving of love. Varian, nuru and yong showed hugo a new perspective on life. ALL OF THEM DID!! NOT JUST VARIAN!!!
Its why platonic varigo is genuinely so important to me and one of the reasons i think varigo are the “best friends first/lovers second” kind of couple. its also why i dont really like them having chemistry like right off the bat. Because like…Them being friends first is the only reason their relationship as it is is even possible. Neither of them really had friends their age before and thats Why they really connect.
if it wasn’t for varian just…being a good friend, and him, nuru and yong all collectively showing hugo this new outlook on life….team radical would have just been another means to an end. Sure maybe hugo would’ve had a little crush on varian or found him attractive, but it wouldn’t have made him like, quit his whole job. He would’ve just done the work and moved on with his life. he wouldn’t have FALLEN IN LOVE like he did. Love and attraction are two different things and hugo didnt just have a crush on varian, he fell in love with him. and he fell in love (platonically, of course) with yong and nuru too.
THATS what changed him!!! Genuine human connection and love!!! It had nothing to do with romance!!! And i feel like people just tend to focus on the yaoi or whatever when like…It means nothing if we aren’t seeing hugo form these bonds with the group as a whole and watching his outlook change as a result! without the core feature of genuine human connection and friendship the yaoi wouldn’t even EXIST!!! 😭😭😭
I especially need more library/betrayal scenes with the whole group bc it genuinely makes me so mad when they’re Just about varigo and nuru and yong are just. Left behind? NOBODY EVER WRITES NURU AND YONG REACTING TO THE BETRAYAL…..NOBODY WRITES THEM HELPING HUGO WHEN VARIAN GETS POSSESSED. THEY’RE JUST. LEFT BEHIND AND THEN THEY SHOW UP AT THE END WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR GROUP HUG OR WHATEVER….SOMETIMES NOT EVEN THAT!!!
IT BREAKS MY HEART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT JUST SIDE PIECES TO VARIGO!!! 😭😭😭 GAHHH. I NEED MORE TEAM RADICAL JUST ALL BEING BEST FRIENDS AND LOVING EACH OTHER!!!!! I NEED YONG AND NURU TO PLAY A PART IN THESE MAJOR PLOT POINTS TOO!!!!
I feel like we don't talk about how Hugo would be weirded out by the concept of having friends enough. Like we all pretty much agree that Donella, while maybe not being outright abusive, was at least not an amazing parent figure and made Hugo live a life that wasn't super healthy. But I haven't really seen anyone talk about how he probably has never felt platonic love.
I like the idea that it wasn't Varian that convinced Hugo to leave Donella, it was Nuru and Yong.
Hugo would have at least had a crush before, if not an actual relationship, he's aware that liking someone made you want to do stupid stuff, like quit your job, abandon your mother figure, and live with them for the rest of your life, but wanting to do that sort of stuff for someone you have no attraction to whatsoever? Huh?
I just love the idea that while Varian was a huge part in changing Hugo, it took friendship with no hint of romantic connotations to finally win Hugo over.
#pansy rambling again#hugo rottewange#vat7k hugo#varian and the 7 kingdoms#varian and the seven kingdoms#vat7k yong#vat7k nuru#team radical#varigo#varian
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you know what i kinda do like the "i'm the dirt under your fingernails" image on its own and had it been deployed in an overall clearer and cohesive script for caitvi in s2 i would have absolutely loved it
some dont like it because it implies vi is a mere stain on caits person, evoking her own experience in regards to the dehumanization zaunites are systemically subject to in order to prop up top siders. on the other hand ive seen other people who, like me, like the line say: "oh its not that. what it means is that not only is vi going to be there whenever cait will do the good but hard work ("blisters and bedrock") but that by always being there shes putting an onus on cait to show up and actually do it". and while i dont disagree with literally any of that, i also dont think that cancels out the first, more literal interpretation of the line, but i kinda like that?
because as sad as it is, vi has made service and self-deprecation her lifestyle - her circumstances may have beaten it into her, but she has fully accepted it and embodied it. moreover shes shown to be perfectly aware of the deep-seated power imbalances between piltover and zaun as well as how that affects her relationship to cait (s1 act 1 and s1 act 3; s2 act 1 respectively - how id LOVED to see a proper argument between them in s2 act 2 or 3 goddammit): since nothing on that front has been dealt with because of the convenient noxus invasion/glorious evolution double whammy which once again resulted in zaunites being used as cannon fodder in exchange for one (1) lousy seat at the city council vi has no reason to pretend like things aren't the way they've always been. the disparity - both in the city and in her and caits entaglement - is still there, and vi is saying "the inequality it's there and it's fine that it is there for now because you are going to fix it with me" (implying vi will never let cait pull the kind of shit she pulled in s2 act 2 again i wish they'd spelled... something! out).
so it is kinda both the meanings at the same time there: cait has a moral and political duty to get her hands dirty and the dirt is vi because as a child of zaun she is what cait works on and for. moreover vi is caits reminder of what she shoots for, her other, better eye if you will. cait does what she does because she freely chooses to do it, and she has the power and resources to put to good use. vi's sense of duty on the other hand comes from her and her family's lived experience, and long before meeting cait (s1 act 1) she had decided to be the good use. now she gets to be it with cait, and it is absolutely grueling work. they both know it, that's why cait asks vi if she's still in it, and after a moment's consideration vi can't help but smile, and there's a bit of bitterness and a bit of almost content resignation in it. so cait, who came in looking for reassurance, now makes room for vi to snuggle under her chin: reassurance she got, but in that subsequent close-up, among all the things she could be possibly thinking, there might be - finally - the realization of what all of it has cost vi.
again i wished the caivi and class inequality storylines had been handled more and more carefully in s2, but even when it's not at its best there's lot to say about arcane...
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I really hope mom doesn't hate us again fuuck
#everyone says shed never hate me but she literally told me to my face that she doesnt like me#then she gets mad when i say it back acts all victim#i wish she didnt download tiktok because now she calls me words i dont understand#says i do weaponized incompotence when i asked her to show me how to do something#shes been nice to me because sister is gone and she was bad hhh i hate thinking of sistwe#but also because ive been doing a lot of things for her so#im gonna have to do extra work so she doesnt fucking hate me again#hgod i hate this#fuucking hate miette#whenever i ask her something she acts like im a piece of shit acts all exasperated#she takes a whole minute to respond when shes watching tiktok#i dont think she loves me no matter what she says#the last time we hugged was when dashy died and before that it was when i left to go to ___#annd. im just so scared of her now#the tones of her voice the way she snaps to get my attention flicks my forehead when shes annoyed with me#i wont forget when she called me a lying little bitch#she gets mad that i remember all these things and hold onto it but. god. i feel like such a shitty person.#its okay when she does stuff to me but when i do it back.#i dont like when shes nice to me. last time she was it was because she was planning something trying to get something out of me#i feel like. any time shes nice shes not really being nice. she just wants something from me.#im so tired#i think she will hate me#shes definitely gonna take away presents which fair enough i understand that
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sin eater
#sorry its been a minute!!! the horrors. you understand.#anyways yall ready for another gloom tag essay because here we go!!!#im constantly thinking about the ramifications of uzi literally eating cyn and her now being apart of her.#specifically how it impacts uzi mentally. like dgmw i LOVE the silly cyntail shenanigans in fanart (ive also contributed to this) however#when i really think about it in relation to uzi's arc i go crazy insane#uzi is a character who is grasping for control after a lifetime of not having it.#she has no control over how her peers treat her. she has no control over khan neglecting her for reasons that arent her fault.#she quite literally has no control over the solver taking her over and making her do monstrous things against her will#which solidifies her feelings of being a freak monster who everyone was right to outcast and mistreat.#because im Unwell i interpret her calling herself god as a way to convince herself of having control- and to lock away feelings of impurity#if anyone is in control- if anyone is loved and cherished despite any and all wrong doings- its a god.#and that all comes to a head when she eats the heart of cyn thereby destroying the AS- a literal manifestation of a corrupted god- for good#finally taking back control from the entity that had been terrorizing and traumatizing both her and her loved ones. but did she really?#cyn is apart of her now. powerless sure- but that doesnt take away the horrors she wrought previously#and even so- has uzi ever stopped being just a host? do you think shes terrified of cyn regaining power out of the blue?#do you think uzi ever stops feeling like a monster?#“sin eating” was a thing that happened where someone would consume ritual foods to take on the sins of a recently deceased person#thus absolving said deceased person of any sins and putting them onto the sin eater. being a sin eater ensured eternal damnation.#and i just think about that a lot. when applying that (symbolically ofc(somewhat literally. she very much is a cyn eater)) to what uzi did.#“gloom you're reading way too much into this” THE LITTLE GOTH ROBOT. MAKES ME INSANE IN THE HEAD. OK!!!!!#gloom.art#murder drones#murder drones fanart#murder drones uzi#uzi murder drones#uzi doorman#uzi md#md uzi#uzi fanart
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ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️
b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3
#i dont know what i expected but i was waiting for a friend and too excited to wait until later#malevolent podcast#john doe#john doe malevolent#john malevolent#malevolent fanart#grimm art#ep 43#ep 43 left me with a lot of thoughts ... i didnt quite like how much of a recap it felt like at times but that might#be because ive been relistening and like yeah everyone knows that john 🙄 but that's not the case for everyone and with monthly uploads#things get forgotten easily#i find the discussion of “humanity” so interesting because John has shown that without someone that he has forcibly grown to value as an#equal... something he cannot do as the king of yellow as he is superior to all of his realm and presumably stays out of other elder god's#anyway. without that equality and enviroment to grow he fails to reach his goal of compassion and falls onto old ways.#John. The King in Yellow. shown by both times each has found themselves in human form do not just crave power and influence!!!#THEY CRAVE COMMUNITY!!! an endrich being not born or raised with nothing but power and ego#CRAVES COMMUNITY.#His goal of “humanity” is not a selfless goal like John projects - it is ultimately somewhat selfish as he does not want to be alone!!#which makes this desire so much more human#i don't know maybe this is just me spelling out whats already there but the way john and the witch argued about humanity frustrated me#it felt like they were missing the point or that perhaps the “good/evil” “black/white” retoric was already realised by me and john needed#realise it himself . which is fair !!!#i dont know!!!!#the witch was talking about how bad everyone was and how humanity is cruel and john was talking about Lily (#who also frustrates me how shes used in the plot somewhat she was literally just a nurse doing her job bro#) but to John - yes internally he is struggling with his moral greyness and im so proud of him for growing being himself SO PROUD#JUST.!!! he wants community. he needs community. he loves his friend. 'humanity' at its core does not matter as long as you try to be bette#and i think thats awesome and i really enjoyed the episode#guhh im rambling enjoy my tag rambling i dont know i want john to have more friends :(#yorrick can be another friend godd i love you yorrick so silly
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here together
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobotomy corporation spoilers#abram lobcorp#i didnt know that the song that plays during day 48 ending is called 'here together'.#couldnt hear it well because i typically have my sound low (sensetive to louder sounds) and also the dialog fucked me up#so when i pressed on it to hear it. to actually listen to it. then to see the name and remember what it Looked like#i got teary eyed. sorry.#it happened quite. afew times when finishing this shitty thing#i was thinking of how camren's not quite corpse looked as if it were reaching out to him inside the container#how it looked as if she had wings. abrams words. the line from one story that was--#something like 'we were hoping it was just one big prank and she would hop out fro. around the corner with a smile on her face'#how do you move forward when all you think you cause is pain? when everything else youve done only brought to bring people you love to thei#downfall and demise inside agony and fear as they lay dying. none of that was merciful. none of that was just. they were told to carry on#her dream and he views as if all he had done was to become cruel and wasnt fit and never even began to finish what she started.#it was so striking to me. the language he used. sleeping. alseep. waken. when all the others never sugarcoated it#in lobcorp they always said it straight. 'suicide' 'killed' 'dead'. but he used something far more.. peaceful? kind in wording in a way.#softer. describing death as if it were a merciful thing. an end that suits them and not something to be afraid of. to just... sink. to slee#to be with carmen again. to put everything to an end#the place they built with their hands. to have it just... stop. not in a way of repeating and staying in the moment#but of a permanent end. to 'sleep'. to die. to just.... stop. forever. to see no more. to do no more#to not be able to do Anything for when ever he had done Something it just cause agony. cruel hands partaking in acts he so deeply#regrets. everything is just regret. it sounds nice. to move on. to just move forward. but how can you move forward when all you think you#bring to those you cherished and couldnt leave behind is pain?#ill likely move this somewhere else as well. ive been meaning to talk about abram#the rest as well actually. mostly just the few final days w abel adam and abram since i am STUCK ON DAY 49#oh dear i uh typed a lot in the tags. oops
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having a stressful time at work but i think it's very important to point out the other day i was asking a guy for help and he's like aight gotcha and then we go to this freezer room and he, from somewhere beyond a mound of boxes, just goes "you like anime right?"
sir this is the FIRST TIME we have spoken how did you clock that.
(he claims i had the vibes of someone who liked it then i was like oh like the woman in the deli wearing a jujutsu- and before i can finish the series name he says "no not her, she just liked the shirt. she's never watched anime". . . oh. i see. you have already had this debate with her then. okay.)
EDIT UPDATE:
So I got clocked AGAIN as a weeb by a coworker because I saw part of her outfit and was like "oh, Attack on Titan?" and while I then said I've never watched it she said that's fair then "do you know anything about vtubers?" and I just. Are you kidding me. I mean yeah but like. Why is your safe question with me "do you know about vtubers".
WHAT AURA DO I BRING TO A GROCERY STORE TO BE CALLED OUT LIKE THIS?
#moe talks a lot#not art#also im trying to swap from pick up to stocking and specifically dairy stocking#bc they seem to always have the hardest time keeping things stocked#and all of pick up has to stop them from working to ask for things in the back which keeps things from getting stocked#and this one guy made a terrible mistake of telling me#yeah we're like the unwanted ginger stepkids of the grocery store#because my brain immediately went NO IM ADOPTING THE DAIRY DEPARTMENT AS MY BELOVED GINGER KIDS#i told my mom that comment and she immediately laughed and said welp thats your department now#before i could even tell her i mentally adopted them#anyway gotta get to bed soon bc i do actually think i was a bit sick ? im so tired despite napping earlier#and only working a partial shift (five hours instead of eight)#sooooo gotta get rested up for the next three (or more!) days#since ive been cursed with no social life and will always work saturday and sunday#so even though my current schedule ends saturday and the next week schedule will be released At Some Point for sunday onward#i have yet to have a sunday off so i am most likely working sunday again#like the job itself is rough and i dont think the pick up workers like me much but every other department seems v nice and chill#i will continue to write essays in the tags no one can stop me
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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“Studies of Elizabeth Woodville […] have been hampered by the continuing fascination with her brother-in-law, Richard III. The Ricardian [and Yorkist] apologetic is now largely dependent upon the argument that the Woodville family posed such a threat to Richard of Gloucester, and the kingdom as a whole, that Gloucester had little option but to take the throne from his Woodville-dominated nephew. Although this argument has [irregularly] been contested, a reassessment of the queen's role in 1483 has not yet been attempted. Michael Bennett, in his 1987 account [...] still dismissed her as `an inveterate intriguer, capable in her vanity and fecklessness of some remarkable shifts and turns'. But more often she is scarcely mentioned in general histories of the period.”
-J.L. Laynesmith, “English Queenship 1445-1503” (thesis for the degree of DPhil in Medieval Studies, University of York, Centre for Medieval Studies, April 1999)
#Every single thing in this remains as true in 2024 as it did when she published it in 1999 btw#historicwomendaily#elizabeth woodville#wars of the roses#my post#Ironically Laynesmith herself is guilty of the same thing: her 'reassessments' of Elizabeth's role are really bad and always favor Richard#(so I don't know how she can call them 'reassessments')#also Laynesmith seems to think that the anti-Woodville argument has been 'repeatedly contested'#I would love to see those arguments because frankly from what I've seen (and I've searched A LOT) they are entirely non-existent#even historians like Rosemary Horrox who analyze Richard III critically retain a very negative and equally condemning view of the Woodville#throughout it all - so I am not sure that counts lol#That being said I'm really glad that Laynesmith pointed out how Elizabeth “is scarcely mentioned in general histories of the period”#because it's absolutely true#Like I said before - even in traditionally negative narratives there is very lacking interest in Elizabeth as a historical figure#She's only relevant for marrying Edward and Promoting Her Family and scheming against Richard#Most historians barely pay attention to her beyond that#The thing about Elizabeth is that she really has the worst of both worlds - she's vilified and diminished in equal measure#This has a lot to do with her brand of vilification; the persistent need to reaffirm Richard of Gloucester's appeal and authority;#and the very specific anomalous place she occupies in this period of time (between the three dynasties)#In the so-called 'era of queenship studies' where other controversial queens like Eleanor of Aquitaine Isabella of France and#MoA were receiving a great deal of attention and reassessments - Elizabeth remained equally vilified but was also#ultimately still dismissed as someone who 'grounded her queenship in her carnality' (with Edward IV) :/#So when recent 'revisionist' reassessments have depowered her still further...not only are they singularly unhelpful and inaccurate#they are also actively contributing to a major element of her negative historiography that has literally been present across centuries#hence why they annoy me so much#(This is also why Elizabeth is often written as a hysteric with haphazard and incoherent motivations in historical novels btw#It's a direct result of the vilification + diminishment combination that's been so persistent with her)
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Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.
Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!
It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.
#as someone with depression and who's highly sensitive this story quest hurt a LOT because ive also encountered people who don't understand.#i've been told i need to get over my anxiety. i've been asked what am i so tired from since i just lay in bed.#so furina's character and how she was treated hit very very hard for me. she's isolating herself and not coping well but she is TRYING.#she's trying so hard and she equates her worth to her role. like she literally tells you that she serves no more use to anyone.#and i wanted to shake her so hard. because it's not about what she can do#she has worth simply because she exists. full stop. she is loved and she is appreciated just for being herself#her worth isn't decided by her power yk??#i hope she can rest and heal and find some good friends - after the way mc and paimon treated her i honestly don't think they should be#or if they are; they'd have to work to earn her trust cuz good LORD. they treated her so weird and so tone deaf!!#i've seen a lot of people complaining about it too so im glad im not alone.#anyway. there is something wrong with me i have cried actual tears over furina please god she needs a hug#and to be told she did a good job and she can rest now and things will get better#4.2 spoilers#genshin impact#furina
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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If you don’t mind, I’m gonna yap for a second.. I think another problem with Kab is how sudden the turn around was. Like in the first convo where Kab was acting “evil”, Zam fought back with the argument that she’s wasn’t really evil at all and I think he did believe that at least a little. And if Kab slowly began to turn her path around then he would be a bit more trusting cause he would have SEEN her actual emotional growth but the turn around was so fast, it feels like there was no emotional growth at all and that Kab is still the same as before, cause she basically is. She still wants Mane dead no matter the cost and she’s still, intentionally or not, trying to manipulate Zam, but she wants to be treated as if she’s had that whole long term emotional growth
yeah ii think this is where her majority experience with short-term smps really bit her in the ass, i think there are two main directions that other ppl take it tho: 1. is as what you speculate in that some ppl think that she hasnt had genuine growth and hasnt changed at all and 2. that she genuinely changes too quickly and is therefore unreliable regardless of if shes being honest or not
i think the reason zam was so receptive to her in silent scream was cause this has been a recurrent plot point for a couple streams now, kab trespassing zams base to yap while zam tries to decipher her wants and motivations until eventually she just let it all out and in that instance i think he did genuinely believed that she changed even if it was slowly/just a little bit
....but then die for you happened lol
ssee the thing about kab is that shes shes all-or-nothing, going from one extreme to the next after just a little bit of change in character which can be jarring to some ppl to say the least (unless you thought she was lying and therefore any character development shouldnt be believed i suppose) but is something that was a great asset in shorter and arena-based smps where you had to get as much advantage against your opponent as possible without having to worry about the long-term consequences of these actions ie them not trusting you while still having to interact often in mundane ways even after messing with them. while she Can be swayed this only really works with things she was already unsure of which while a great motivator and trait to keep her on track with her goals (again another great trait for short-term smps), can be really jarring and distressing for other ppl if the things she was absolutely sure about goes against their own perspective like for example her thinking that derapchu killing her constitutes zam getting payback for her as the protector of the server (The protector, not A protector like zam insists, The protector of the server)
i think shes far too used to the fast-paced instant acceptance of changed personality in arena smps that is a natural consequence of them being short-term and having a revolving door of members and teams which is why she expects ppl to accept her growth and efforts so quickly even if realistically nobody would hand over their trust that easily esp after essentially being harassed in their own home multiple times, like even in normal smps where theres a baseline amount of trust ppl still wouldnt trust you after doing that, what more in a server like lifesteal where general trust is low basically all the time?
#mine.ask#Anonymous#i wrote most of this at like 2 am cause i couldnt sleep so i hope this is understandable lol#like. kabs actions are logical sure but its one extreme to the next#even zam takes at least a couple weeks before changing into something opposite than he was#and hes one of if not the most fickle ppl on the server#like. idk. ive noticed from tge beginning that kabs lore is pretty fast-paced compared to everyone else#but after she got fixated on zam it increased by a lot i feel#like hating him one moment then loving him the next#like damn girl is he your fp /j#but yeah a lot of things kab does can be explained away by the fact that shes never really had to deal with the long-term consequences#of fucking with someone#whether it be because of the fact the smps she was in were short ones or cause clown was there to get rid of her opps#and like. in a regular smp maybe ppl would believe her more#but this is ls where all the players are accutely aware of the fact that trusting the wrong ppl could get them killed or worse#and kab not only has an untrustworthy rep thanks to money smp (that she was was proudly flaunting)(also derap is here)#but her still continuing to lie and manipulate ppl does not make ppl want to give her the necessary baseline trust#that would constitute believing in her whenever she changes her mind/direction#and unfortunately for her; now that shes been established as untrustworthy on lifesteal itself#(compare her rep to wemmbu whos rep comes from non-ls smps and is proudly trustworthy and loyal on ls itself)#that baseline trust is gonna be really difficult to go against#i was gonna give spoke as an example but then remembered he manipulated pbaj during the election arc lmao#but uh yeah reputation is really important on ls whether the players like it or not and kabs rep is unfortunately not the best#like bruh zam thinks shes less trustworthy than Spoke#do you have any idea how untrustwortthy someone would feel you are to get that low on the trustworthiness tier???#like damn it hasnt even been a full season yet
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I actually find gender swapping characters really interesting (what part of their expression is dictated by gender norms vs certain events in their life vs their personal preferences that wouldn't change either way, etc.) so now I wanna draw what that would look like in my ocs except I am in pain rn so I'm forced to just lie there and be plagued by visions
#ok but#the thing with north is that when he ran away he cut off his hair and started wearing masculine clothing to hide his identity and went “wait#this actually feels right wtf“#but i dont think he really did anything with his appearance prior to that. he kinda was just existing not really thinking about himself#he was really only focused on protecting and caring for saffron#so a gender swapped version wouldnt be much different pre-running away#not bothering about cutting hair + the cultists' robes look very similar in both feminine and masculine versions#so fem north would still have short hair to make her appearance less recognizable#just would wear dresses and stuff#saffron though. i think she presents herself more in accordance with gender norms#so gender swapped saffron would always have short hair + more masculine looking clothing#but i think her mannerisms and behavior would stay the same. also her general frame#like yes she in part dresses and looks this way because thats whats expected of her + thats how she was raised by The Lady but a lot of it#esp in terms of her personality is Just Her. this would stay the same#warren doesnt give a shit. he doesnt have much gender to begin with. no gender only swag#so he would look almost exactly the same just with less facial hair probably#The Lady would very much be different. like instead of graceful threatening elegant old-ish woman with Big Hair and Big Dress#shed have short hair same level of elegance but masculine clothes probably facial hair too. like one of them small sharp beards yk#the restaurant owner (still dont have a name for her) wouldnt change almost at all as well. shes very much function/comfort over style#her clothes are already masculine n she has short hair both for convenience#shed straight up look the same just with a stubble or smth#there are a couple other characters in this story i have thoughts on but i havent introduced/developed them properly yet#pjsk ocs though ! ive been thinking abt them again#matsu is pretty feminine and it does play a role in a ��part of why ppl think hes weird” kinda way#so as a girl hed be more masc presenting#i dont think fumi would really change at all. she also dresses mainly for convenience but i do think she does have a little regard for#for gender norms. but like. barely any. so maximum changes would be those ponytail parts of her hair getting like. a tiny bit shorter#toshiro would stay the EXACT same. he does his own thing#seina dresses that way bc shes expected to but also thats just genuinely how she is. so swapped shed still have longer hair n feminine#demeanor but wear pants or smth. im hitting tag limit help. cries
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thinking about them and banging my head against the wall again whats new. they are making me so emo. god. what the fuck
#ann plays fates#theyre like all i can think about rn#its that time of the year#i mean i think about them both constantly separately but its always when september comes#do i get hit with the laslow/nyx rarepair brainrot i think#that just lasts through fall and winter#not that im complaining. i think eventually i will have posted the entire fucking conversation#i cant help it. each part gives me a segment of dialogue to be ill about#i have ‘but with burdens so heavy dont you think we can lean on eachother a bit?’ on my wall#ROMANCE. TO ME (girl who is aroace)#also underrated thing about them i like how nyx flirts back#its more prevalent in their A support but shes so fun with him even beyond the bonding over traumatic pasts#i think with laslow he does a lot of flirting right bc hes laslow but a lot of the time its like#no ones matching his energy#i was gonna say match his freak but i dont think he has any freak if im so real with u#if he does its buried beneath five metric tons of shame and embarrassment#and i like how his… laslow-ness kinda gives nyx space to let loose if that makes sense#like he can match her maturity because he. you know. all of that#but hes still young and so she can find a little bit of reprieve from it all in his attitude and blah blah blah#if that makes sense#they r just so perfect. TO ME#ive only ever written and posted one thing for them but i have like five million (like six) things in my drafts i need to get back#into writing. rarepair hell gotta feed myself#also that was like two years ago it kinda sucks a bit but thats fine its called growth#i just miss them. i dont really have the brainpower to play fates but i have enough to think about them#i mean i played a little but ive mostly just been doing dumb shit with the class system and not rly playing the game#we’ll get to it#im supposed to be sleeping
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maybe i dont want to go to med school specifically but i will go beyond a 4year arrrrgggh. i dont know i dont know. i graduate next term and then i can go from there
#b#like i WANT to go to med school but it’s so daunting like what if etc etc etc#i also feel silly getting my associates i convinced myself it’s not impressive only for me <-mother has a phd & i compare everything to her#ive spent my whole life thinking im too stupid for higher education and now reality is hitting like omfgggg#3 degrees are like nothing because ive been working on them at the same time but it will look nice on a resume#ill feel a lot better about this whole thing when i get my BS because that’s when everything opens up#For me at least. I will do what i can
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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