#i wrote most of this at like 2 am cause i couldnt sleep so i hope this is understandable lol

[freakinator]

If you don’t mind, I’m gonna yap for a second.. I think another problem with Kab is how sudden the turn around was. Like in the first convo where Kab was acting “evil”, Zam fought back with the argument that she’s wasn’t really evil at all and I think he did believe that at least a little. And if Kab slowly began to turn her path around then he would be a bit more trusting cause he would have SEEN her actual emotional growth but the turn around was so fast, it feels like there was no emotional growth at all and that Kab is still the same as before, cause she basically is. She still wants Mane dead no matter the cost and she’s still, intentionally or not, trying to manipulate Zam, but she wants to be treated as if she’s had that whole long term emotional growth

yeah ii think this is where her majority experience with short-term smps really bit her in the ass, i think there are two main directions that other ppl take it tho: 1. is as what you speculate in that some ppl think that she hasnt had genuine growth and hasnt changed at all and 2. that she genuinely changes too quickly and is therefore unreliable regardless of if shes being honest or not

i think the reason zam was so receptive to her in silent scream was cause this has been a recurrent plot point for a couple streams now, kab trespassing zams base to yap while zam tries to decipher her wants and motivations until eventually she just let it all out and in that instance i think he did genuinely believed that she changed even if it was slowly/just a little bit

....but then die for you happened lol

ssee the thing about kab is that shes shes all-or-nothing, going from one extreme to the next after just a little bit of change in character which can be jarring to some ppl to say the least (unless you thought she was lying and therefore any character development shouldnt be believed i suppose) but is something that was a great asset in shorter and arena-based smps where you had to get as much advantage against your opponent as possible without having to worry about the long-term consequences of these actions ie them not trusting you while still having to interact often in mundane ways even after messing with them. while she Can be swayed this only really works with things she was already unsure of which while a great motivator and trait to keep her on track with her goals (again another great trait for short-term smps), can be really jarring and distressing for other ppl if the things she was absolutely sure about goes against their own perspective like for example her thinking that derapchu killing her constitutes zam getting payback for her as the protector of the server (The protector, not A protector like zam insists, The protector of the server)

i think shes far too used to the fast-paced instant acceptance of changed personality in arena smps that is a natural consequence of them being short-term and having a revolving door of members and teams which is why she expects ppl to accept her growth and efforts so quickly even if realistically nobody would hand over their trust that easily esp after essentially being harassed in their own home multiple times, like even in normal smps where theres a baseline amount of trust ppl still wouldnt trust you after doing that, what more in a server like lifesteal where general trust is low basically all the time?

[bloomingnono]

meant it. (part 2)

pairing: jeno x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: ~ 1.7 k

warnings: language (like one curse word akjds)

intro l part 1 l part 2

a/n: im so sorry for the long wait:( i wanted to make sure i did my best, and wrote something i was overall pretty content with! but here’s the second, and final part to “meant it”!! i hope you all enjoy, especially my dear 🍿anonie<3

also not me making major adjustments 5 minutes before posting💀

taglist of my loves: @luvlyjaemin @vera-liscious @lenaluvs

Your bed felt cold. The type of cold that left your body weak. And yet again, you found yourself fighting to let sleep consume you.

You hesitantly turned to your left side, hoping that maybe, this was all just one big nightmare. That maybe when you turned around, he’d be there.

But you were only met with the other side of your bare bed; your lamp casting an amber tinge on your snow-white sheets.

Four weeks had passed since those final words had been exchanged. He had left you broken.

To say you missed him was an understatement.

You longed for the way your heartbeat quickened at his sight. You longed for the way your stomach fluttered as your name effortlessly slipped out of his lips. You longed for his touch; the way his fingers lingered against your skin.

You missed him.

But at what cost? To hear those three empty words leave his mouth?

No. Never again.

It was unfair to Jeno. But most of all, it was unfair to you.

You didn’t deserve to be told such idle lies.

Especially not from the one person you would give up your entire life for.

Jeno was a naive soul; so sincere and trusting of what only met the eye.

Mistakes were a daily occurrence in his life; learning and growing from them as he paved his way through.

.

But the second you left, he knew he had made the biggest mistake yet.

.

On the night when everything ended, there was an inexplainable feeling of void growing within him.

He didn’t have a reason to smile, nor the energy to cry.

Unlike anything he’d ever experienced before, he felt incomplete. It left him numb.

Before he knew it, four weeks had already gone by.

Four weeks since he last held your frame in his grasp. Four weeks since he last saw the face he once fell in love with. Four weeks since he left you utterly broken.

But in those four weeks, Jeno wasn’t living. He was simply existing.

He was merely left in his world; his actions and their consequences, being his sole companion.

He knew it was unfair to continue to lie and prolong the inevitable. But, why did it feel so wrong? It was the right decision to choose... right?

‘To choose.’

It seemed like such a simple action. It was something we did on a daily basis; nearly every second of every day.

Yet it held so much influence.

Jeno had finally realized that now.

Everything in life was purely a choice.

.

Everything.

You lie on your bed, your mind lost in all the bumps and ridges that painted your cream-colored ceiling.

It was late into the night, the moon peeking its way through the slits of your window blinds. The silence was peaceful, yet deafening.

Despite the unsettling aspects of the stillness, you’re ready for it to devour you; yearning for that feeling of tranquility that you haven’t felt in weeks.

But just as you are about to give in, you’re abruptly interrupted by frantic raps on your front door. Jostling up into a sitting position, you force yourself off your bed to check and see who was causing such a fuss.

The knocks on your door persist, not allowing for a single moment of intermission.

Apprehension quickly overtakes your body, frightened at what could possibly cause such actions to befall at this ungodly hour.

You hesitantly grab your doorknob, carefully turning it and opening the door just a fraction of the way.

You are met with a hunched figure; their hands on their knees and their hair damp with —what can only be assumed as— sweat. Their labored breathing leads you to believe they had run here, and hastily at that.

After a few short-lived seconds, you carefully try to assess the situation; fear still coursing throughout your body.

“Can I help you..?”

The figure instantly tenses at your tone, as if taken aback by the sound of your voice.

You watch in confusion as they begin to catch their breath, and stand to their full height. Straining your eyes to try and identify their face, you’re left frozen at the single feature that was recognizable even in pitch darkness.

His eyes.

You instinctively take a step backward, distrusting your vision.

But your presumption reigns true, as the figure tentatively takes a step forward through the doorway; his face now fully illuminated by your foyer light.

.

Lee Jeno.

.

He seemed to be in a terrible state: his hair a mess from the sweat, his clothes violated by the wind, and his breaths still quite uneven.

You attempt to try and form a coherent sentence, but the words seem to die in your throat. You could only look up at him, staring blankly with your mouth hung open.

“Wha... What are you doing here...?”

“I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. Immediately.” His expression was unreadable, yet his tone held the familiar hint of desperation. “I miss you. I want— No. I need you back. Nothing in this world seems right when I’m not with you. I’m not who I am without you. I need you…”

The silence that follows is unbearable.

It takes a few moments for his words to sink in. You feel your eyebrows furrow in confusion, contorting your features into a frown.

But the confusion is quickly replaced with the dreaded feeling of anger. It swiftly fills your entire soul, kindling a flame. The one emotion you tried so hard to repress, viciously engulfs your entire body.

The words that had once died in your throat, quickly resurrect and force their way out of your mouth.

You find your voice again. However, this time, it is nothing but cold and bitter.

“Lee Jeno, I love you. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m still hopelessly in love with you, because I am. But you aren’t. And that’s why I let you go.”

The floodgates were finally opened. There was no going back.

“As much as I still loved you, and as much as it killed me to accept that you didn’t return those feelings for me anymore; I let you go. Want to know why? Because your happiness means so much more than my own. I let you go because I love you so fucking much.”

Jeno stares at you with wide eyes, unable to summon a statement that could somehow ease the pain in you eyes. “I-“

“No, listen!!” Your voice begins break, unable to keep your emotions at bay. The words flow out of your mouth quicker than your mind could process. “I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hate you and resent you so badly for everything you put me through, but I couldnt. Because I still fucking love you!!”

The last statement leaves your throat raw. But you persist.

“You really got some nerve, Lee Jeno.” You laugh humorlessly at the pure audacity, before turning back to him with a renewed flame.

“You left me absolutely shattered. And I couldn’t even hate you for it. I refuse to let you hurt me again. I refuse to watch, as the love for me floods out of your eyes again. I REFUSE!!!”

Every last bit of your energy is wasted on your final words as you scream them at the top of your lungs.

The angry tears streaming out of your eyes seem endless. Your whole body trembles with pure fury as you collapse to the floor, legs giving out beneath you.

Jeno instinctively scrambles to your side, supporting your fragile form with his own.

Too weak to fight against his hold, you allow yourself to be braced by him; the touch being all too familiar for your liking.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” You purposely avoid his gaze as you ask, your voice impossibly faint. You’re left completely exhausted; the anger quickly transforming into pure defeat.

There’s a moment of hesitancy. You feel the sharp intake of breath that he takes before the reply is given.

.

“I... love you.”

.

Those three words that you once adored, and now despised... Those three words that had eased all your pain, but now caused your suffering...

Those three words... were no longer hollow.

.

He meant it again.

.

A chill swiftly travels down from the top of your spine to the tip of your toes, leaving you senseless.

He promptly proceeds; the hesitancy in his tone now replaced with a new-found determination.

“I love you. And not because I have to, but because I want to.” Cold fingers gently grip your chin, tilting it up to meet his gaze. “Loving you is not merely a spark. Loving you is not lust or simple desire. Loving you is a commitment. I want to wake up every day, and choose to love you.”

There’s another moment of silence; tears of regret traveling down to drip from the point of his chin.

“I’m so sorry for... everything.” He chokes back a sob as the words get caught in his throat. “I loathe myself for being the cause of all this. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and... and I completely understand if you aren’t willing to forgive me either-“

Before he could finish, you crash your lips onto his; successfully silencing his statement. Tears continue to descend both your guys’ cheeks, unable to subside from the overwhelming sense of comfort that came with being in the others’ warmth again.

You sense a familiar arm snake around your waist, pulling you deeper into the contact. Your own arms loop around his neck, absorbing the touch that you had longed for, so intensely.

You pull away from the kiss, coming face to face with the love of your life.

.

“You have no idea how much I missed feeling those words.” The sentence is muttered, speaking to yourself more than anyone else.

But he heard them nonetheless.

.

You feel his slender fingers encase either side of your face, his cool touch sending a wave of shock throughout your body. Keeping your face steady in his hands, he slowly leans his forehead against yours.

With his eyes closed and without a single waver in his voice, the words slip out again.

.

“I love you.”

.

You soak up the comfort that alluded from such simplicity.

You know that you guys aren’t perfect. Nowhere near it.

But what mattered, was that you were in each other’s hold again.

.

.

Because you loved each other...

.

.

And you meant it.

end.

[cosmictulips]

Hii Tulips!! How are you doing love? ❤💙

Here for the feedback for the new moon reading and let me tell you it was so resonating. Like I resonate with each and everything written here. My guides asked me to check myself not cause I am being egotistical. Like you know from past many days I would actually call like past many weeks I am having this feeling as if I am being egoistic, selfish, rude. Its not something I did so I am feeling this. It was just that my thoughts that made me feel selfish, egoistic or rude cause I was angry over myself and certain things. And the fact you said that they asked me to check myself not cause I am egoistic just relaxes me cause I all this time long I was checking on and just supressing my thoughts or imaginations cause I thought I am a egoistic, rude person. Yes u know even I feel I have become quite untethered in the manner of just day dreaming all day and having my head in the clouds thinking about the future instead of focusing on the present and grounding myself. Still if the line - "but, this feels more like you've become untethered and you need to reground yourself. you know, like anxiety, overwhelm, perhaps even angry and just tired. " means something else then please let me know cause I feel I just couldnt understand it even if I can relate. What does regrounding means? Does it mean to stop daydreaming or thinking about the future or its just balancing ? 🥺 Since last 2 months and the coming 2 months I am just giving entrance exams like JEE and all other big exams I just was overwhelmed with feelings. I even had an anxiety attack before my exams and I was just angry over myself for not studying properly. I did a lot of readings related to my guides. And I always get the same message. Yes I feel forgotten like I feel I lost myself somewhere in the mess and it feels so hard to recollect myself again cause I feel the time gone too faraway. The other people whom I am trying to make proud are no one else than my parents and teachers. I feel I being harsher on myself cause I already disappointed them with my earlier exam marks. Whenever I get reading on what do my guides think I should do to clear JEE. I always get that they are kinda angry over the fact that I am trying for a thing that even aint my purpose. They ask me to chill. But I personally feel that I am just relaxing day by day just sleeping, eating and wasting time here and there instead of focusing on my studies. What does coming home to yourself mean? I remember that I was a very good student. For me studying was fun. Its the thing I loved doing the most in life. But I dont like studying just with a purpose to have a certain thing. Yeah even that thing to stop everything resonates cause I really wanted to stop each and everything that is going on. I really wanted to stop this chain of mess. Its just not me but its almost everyone in my friends circle who are giving this exam feel like this. Yes I feel I am being too judgemental about myself. Talking about its been days I am awake all night till morning and then I sleep for 4-5 hours. I dont know how to follow your advice sorry like I will try to do it for sure but I am too caught up like if I dont clear this exam then people have already told me they would lose trust in me as I was a bright student. Since if I dont land somewhere good I wont able to make good changes in my family. The whole reading just made me too emotional but it was resonating.And thank you for what you wrote in the tags too. That means a lot to me. 🥺🥰💙❤

Thank you so much.❤❤.Have a nice day!! Sending you lots of love !! 💙💙 ( Sorry I wrote a very long essay) 🌚🌚

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘🌑

Hello Star Cadet =D

Listen, I feel you haha. and I'm really happy the reading resonated =)

I actually, also want to thank you for the feedback because It's not often I get this much detail in them and while I say I don't care about the length or even getting it, stuff like this reminds me why I even post pacs in the first place.

so thank you.

Yea, I think media has really forced people to go against their ego. being selfish isn't inherently a bad thing. but it can be, just like any other emotion or ...thing that a human can be.

and so when that egotistical card comes out, I always try to look further than that. like we need our ego, no matter what someone might say. we need that and our subconscious to find balance. and you shouldn't feel guilty of that.

however, it's when we start to slide from either being selfish to other people or being too hard on ourselves, that we need to step back and relax. that is our brains way of saying, hey check yourself cause something doesn't seem right.

Honestly, following my advice mostly just means thinking about it. take time for your studies sure, but don't lose yourself in the process. Honestly, it sounds like those people never had trust in you to begin with. You shouldn't have to live up to someones expectations to have their respect or trust. you are human, and humans make mistakes and they need breaks.

when I say to come home to yourself, that simply means, to come back to your roots. remind yourself why you want to do something. what are your goals. not the ones that make someone else proud, or that would please someone else.

What is something that would make YOU proud. what can you do that makes YOU relax? check in on yourself. how are YOU feeling, and why?

that's what I mean.

but yea lol if you have any other questions or whatever, feel free to stop on by. I love talking about this kind of stuff lol

[idorkish]

4 AM Cuddles

A/n: Alright, this is something I wrote back in 2016 on my original idorkish blog. I couldnt find it in the mess of posts from that, so Im posting from scratch. There were only ever 2 parts written, with a 3rd in works, but there wasnt much want for that. I'll post the 2nd part up tomorrow.

Warnings: Cursing, Mentions of cheating - don't cheat peeps! if you're unhappy with your partner, talk and end things!

Prompts: • “You come to my room at 4am, to cuddle?” • “If you walk out of that door, don’t even think about coming back” • “I’m tired of being your dirty little secret”

The tower had never felt so empty and lonely. Most of the team were out on their own missions. The only ones left were you, Tony, Wanda, and Vision. The latter two were probably out on a date again. Getting up from your bed, you walked over to the window, staring out at the glittering city before you. It had been a hard night. No matter how cold you made your room, sweat stuck to your skin, forcing your hair down and sticking to your face. With a sigh, you stared back at your bed. The sheets were crumpled at the edge, half of them on the floor. The pillows were nowhere in sight – probably under the bed by now. It looked too large for you. How did your safe place come to feel like a prison?

Pushing your back against the cool window, you slumped down to the floor. The cold glass felt good against your skin. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that before your eyelids became heavy. Knock. Knock.

Your eyes strained to open and you were still on the floor. “Come in,” you croaked out. Your throat felt dry as you tried to swallow down the small amount of saliva that formed in your mouth. A figure stood in the doorway to your room. The light from the hall cascaded across the floor, causing your arm to shoot up to cover your eyes as you hissed. “What are you doing on the floor?” the figure called out softly, slowly taking a few steps forward. “I couldn’t sleep Tony. What do you want?” Tony had a habit of checking on you in the middle of the night. His insomnia always got the better of him and he sought refuge in your room. Over the past few months, the two of you had become close. The friendship took many turns for you both. It wasn’t long before you were sneaking around behind the team’s back. No one knew. They couldn’t. Tony was still with Pepper after all. And you? Well you were still considered the newbie. You didn’t feel you had a real place yet. “C’mon kid. To the bed. We’ll… cuddle.” Tony held out his hand to you, that damn smirk on his face that you knew all too well. “You come to my room, at 4am, to cuddle?” you scoffed, ignoring his hand as you made your way back to your feet. How long could this keep going on? Yes, the sex was great. Yes, you enjoyed every moment you shared with this man. But it was hard to go on pretending that it all meant nothing. “Why are you really here Tony?” Your voice was small and unsure. Tony shuffled and gave a small shrug. “FRIDAY informed me about your trouble sleeping. Figured I would off some…assistance,” his voice drifting. “Seriously? Is that all I’m good for with you? What are we even doing Tony? You have Pepper!” What were you doing and how did you ever let it get this far? Tony had always been charming. When you started working with the Avengers, the two of you would constantly flirt. It was harmless. You flirted with everyone on the team. Everything was moving along smoothly and you were finding your place on the team. Everything was normal until a particularly hard mission. It was supposed to be easy – gather intel. Nothing is ever easy. You had infiltrated the base but found a small child in one of the labs. You went against your orders and turned this into a rescue mission. You had barely made it out with the child in your arms. Tony had to drag you both into the quinjet, but you had done it. You got the intel and the child was safe. Once back, the whole team laid into you about your decision. No matter how many times you tried to explain yourself, it seemed no one was happy. You saved a child – they only saw disobedience. Tony was the only one to back you up, and for that you were grateful. After the debriefing, Tony helped you back to your room and out of your armor. Tony stayed with you until you were done showering and redressed. Tucking you under your sheets, he promised to throw a party to take your mind off the latest mission and to get everyone in a better mood. You awoke late the next day. Everything was still normal. The team was gathered in the common area, paper balls and jokes being thrown around while everyone laughed.

[norestwithoutlove]

Hi, I just finished reading to build a home (quite literally just then) and it was one of the best stories I’ve ever read. everything was so cohesive and beautifully done and has inspired me to do some writing of my own. How did you manage to keep track of minor details and plots throughout the book continuity wise, with such a large word count, thats something most authours cant do and it made it feel so much more personal and immersive. this fic was a wild ride, sorry if this sounds weird btw i dont usually do this.

Hey !! sorry this one took me a while to reply to ! thanks so much for this message it made me beam - i’m glad the fic made you want to use your own voice as well! writing is such a balm especially in times like these, so i hope you’re loving it.

holy shit i’ve just gone over this and this is a LONG answer so i’m very sorry for the essay in advance. regarding continuity and minor details:

from like very early days (essentially day one of writing) i had a very clear vision of where i wanted the fic to go, and what the major plot points were (the night of the fight aged 18 and everything which caused it, even that it would take place on the roof, sam’s overdose happening in the middle of dean’s drunk love confession, the chapter 59 love confession which leads to them FINALLY getting together happening in front of the fire and cas giving dean his poetry book, the dedication saying ‘to dean, i still do, and always will’. all of that was just sitting rotting all other thoughts in my mind and so i had to type it all out at the bottom of the word document to get it down and make sure i didn’t forget. here’s an excerpt of that very early days plan (the scene where dean comes out to sam in the hospital!!! one of my absolute favourites):

other things came later, like the wedding + concussion scene, and the scene where dean waits out in the treehouse all night, which honestly was SO cruel of me and really added to the tragedy of the chapter 38, 40, 42 arc. but yeah as with the above they sat in my brain just waiting for me to reach the appropriate part of the fic to type them up from VERY early days of the fic. opinions on this vary but i don’t like typing out the scenes that i really want to type out if i haven’t actually reached them in the fic’s construction, (does that make sense?  i’ve phrased it badly) because knowing i’m gonna get to write those scenes is what motivates me to actually write the scenes inbetween. i should probably switch this up a bit as everyone advises against this form of writing but also yeah changing routine is effort.

other things plotted in the fic came about in light of the events of the show. mary wasn’t originally gonna be such a distant mother but, as spn pushed that narrative of distance and withdrawal, i thought it would be weird for readers to read a fic which pushed the deified mary mother figure like early seasons spn. especially weird for the readers to read a deified mary fic when the mary they were watching on screen seemed to differ so drastically from the one in the story. so the mary-dean relationship (which was fortunately pretty ambiguous and stilted because of dean’s grief-brain in early chapters) had to change in tbah into the really complicated entity it became. honestly the formulation of that relationship is one of the things i was most proud of in the fic because it was so thorny and hard and felt tragically real for that reason. 

other things the progression of the show impacted: dean’s relationship with jack. obviously he couldnt be a nephilim in the tbah universe(!) so i had to consider another angle which would stilt his relationship with dean in the fic. considering the fact that in the show dean’s aversion to him came from a knot of grief, anger and dean’s own upbringing, i transplanted that idea onto the fic and said okay, but here it’s not about cas, it’s about john. dean untangles much of his own trauma with john through his relationship with jack in the symbols of his father he can find in his life: driving, fishing, and building. but also in the symbols of jimmy: cooking, talking, teaching. dean gets to choose between being a john or a jimmy to his son, but the question isn’t so simple, because people aren’t just symbols, and actually dean ends up being a dean to jack, which is perfect.

weirdly, i also think music helped with continuity. i had a few songs in my head at the beginning of the fic and they became like thematic seeds which could grow and make threads to be picked up throughout. i’d listen to these as i wrote, especially as i wrote the scenes i deemed the most significant. same thing with literature.

also thinking about the fic just became really comforting to me ! so i’d play major plot points in my head like a movie before i went to sleep, which meant by the time i got to writing them they’d had a lot of time to develop and pick up earlier themes of the fic. essentially all of the fic was written in light of the future of the fic, which really helped continuity and direction but also the weird tangled traumatised nature of time in the story. this figuring of time became really important because i think tangled traumatised time is essentially just the reality of grief-time. 

subconsciously i’m sure a lot of stuff bled through which was unintentional, the framing of events which repeat location (dean waiting in the treehouse all night as a teenager to say goodbye to cas before he leaves for university vs dean and cas going to the treehouse as adults and finding teens there who are saying goodbye to each other before leaving for university. confession 3 takes place a literal 10 years after confession 1. confession 1 comes from cas and happens on the roof just before he leaves for the uk, confession 2 comes from dean and happens drunken in the living room after dean has had an intense and ambiguous conversation/fight with his mother, confession 3 happens in the living room after dean has come out to his mother, confession 4 happens on the roof as castiel returns from the uk and repairing every sense of the rift confession 1 caused because this last confession ends in their engagement.)

once i realised this was happening i went back and combed through those scenes for lines to be repeated. an easy example of this is chapter 38//chapter 59. here’s a scene from chapter 38 as they enter the big white house:

and here’s them entering the house in chapter 59: 

i think it’s about trauma and repetition (freud has a theory about this, see Remembering, Repeating, and Working Through) in that we return to sites of trauma; trauma is reiterated in memory and in the material, but in every reiteration, we grow and heal and understand the trauma and ourselves better. it’s like an upward spiral: the first confession goes so badly, the second goes better but not good, the third good, the fourth goes wonderfully (dean’s narrative frames it as paradise: “maybe this is the sound of the trumpets on the other side”). so yeah, part of the ‘continuity’ of tbah is just a traumatised cycle of reiteration, and i say this in the nicest possible way, because these cycles of repetition are how we heal. deep down, i think that’s what the fic is all about.

tl;dr: i had a scrawl of a plan at the bottom of the word document i wrote tbah on, i thought about it a lot because it made me happy, i had a pretty clear vision of where things were going from the very opening chapter, and i was a very gay english lit student.

anyway thanks for the ask lovely i am SO sorry it resulted in the borderline novel of an answer.

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[aardvaark]

i wrote something similar to this in the tags of my most recent post basically but...

judy hale hc - childhood edition

thinking about the adults in judys life when she was a child. not the ones who neglected her - namely, her mother. the ones who were around, thought of her occasionally, wondered if she was alright.

1 the teacher who let judy stay after school for an hour, maybe two, because her mom hadnt come to pick her up yet. she saw a flash of embarrassment on the childs face, possibly, but didnt suspect its cause; judy would have known her mom was... well, away. that she wasnt coming because she hadnt come for about a week this time, but clearly today was the first time judy hadnt been able to slip away out the gate in the throng of parents and children, or escape to another exit around the back of the school. 

she’d tried, but her teacher had asked her what she was doing, and there was no good answer to that question. maybe the teacher let her go after a long enough time, or called a grandparent or aunt/uncle or someone to pick her up. but the teacher stayed concerned, started checking that judy had food every day, made judy wait in the warmth of the classroom for her mom when she was late after school (well, at least on the days this teacher was on after-school pick-up duty), or waiting for anyone else who was taking her that day, usually arriving late, judy having to call them last minute.

the teacher doesnt mind staying late every so often for the kids sake. shes a polite, responsible, independent child, especially for her age. the teacher figures this is maturity. judy does have some trouble making friends, however, so the teacher tries to encourage her by sitting her next to a more outgoing but equally nice kid. 

they also encourage judy to participate in community events when shes able to, even helping her to volunteer at the local nursing home despite her young age. she can read and talk to senior citizens there, and besides... the teacher has a feeling it will give her a sense of home. 

2 the staff at the local library, just around the corner from judys house. judy has spent plenty of time there, reading to distract herself or as a form of escapism, but of course the librarian didnt know this. the staff like her - shes polite and quiet and very kind, she brings books back on time, she reads to the little kids on the weekends. 

its unusual that her mom has never come here... judy spends most of her time in the library, and has never once been walked to or from the building by a parent. judy comes most days straight after school and stays late. she rarely has food, and often stays late enough that she must be missing dinners, but her mom never comes to get her, so everyone is under the assumption that her mom just reheats her food, and judy must have a snack on the way home from school. 

however, it becomes clear that she definitely isnt having food since lunch when she becomes a bit faint one evening (little did they know that this day, she had forgotten to pack recess and lunch, and her breakfast had been half an apple on the way out the door. she had only realised at recess - and punched herself quietly in the bathrooms. she was so stupid). after that, they brought a bowl of sweets for the counter, just little chewy lollies and the like, so that she’d at least not get faint. 

occasionally they offered her some food, which she tended not to accept until much later at night when she couldnt hide the growl in her stomach, but knew that going home meant being alone in the dark for another few hours. she tried to postpone cooking dinner until it was necessary for her to leave the safety and security of a public building like this library, and was eternally grateful that the staff often let her stay a little after hours. 

once, one staff member got a call from judy’s school at about 4:30pm. someone had already commented that the girl was late, but maybe she was home sick today (although that had never happened before). a teacher had phoned them, but judy had quickly asked for the phone before the librarian could clarify that this was not someone’s house, but a library. judy sounded panicked on the phone, asking very apologetically if someone could straighten something out at the school. the librarian obliged - they’d known judy for years, and she had never asked a favour, yet participated in any and every event the library held, and the kid had sounded very worried - only to have judy run up to her saying “hello, auntie!” and be whisked away before they could converse with the teacher. they decided against bringing that odd moment up to the rest of the staff... but... it gave them a weird feeling...

3 a parent at judy’s school, who’s child sits next to judy in class. they knew her mother back in the day, when they were at school, but hasnt seen her in years. boy, was high school wild if you were in judy’s mom’s group of friends! but theres no way they’re gonna mention that to a child - stories about drugs and drinking, mostly, nothing appropriate for a kid to be exposed to. they, of course, dont know what judy is exposed to, and honestly, hearing stories from years ago would not nearly be an issue in comparison.

although judy hangs out with their own child, they’ve never seen judy’s mom at the school. they dont think much of this - many parents work, and she knows from talking to judy that eleanor hale is a single parent, anyway. judy lives near enough to the school that she is able to walk home. still, they often do choose to let judy sleep over when she says her mom is going to be home very... er, late... and they sometimes take judy home with them. their child is far more energetic and loud than judy, so they do think its a little odd that they want to hang out with her. 

the parent asks their kid about that one time.

“she sits next to me!” is their response - these are quite young kids after all. sometimes friendship at that age is about proximity. but after a beat, they do add, thoughtfully, “my friends think im loud, and talk lots, and the best at sport in the whole grade - and i am! but judy thinks im nice.”

the parent doesnt forget that answer. they make sure to keep judy around from that moment onwards.

[jnuhoe]

dm me

request; can u make a fanfic bout me and chanwoo!!! ;))

- chanwoo x reader

- 1k+ , i was inspired by chanwoos love for baseball !!!!!! 

- “junchans sent a message.”

lowercase is intended

“what do you mean our seats got messed up?” a distressed look appears on the young man’s face. you were at a baseball game and you overheard the young guys complaining. you weren’t particularly interested in baseball but your morals just couldnt turn down your uncle who flew all the way down to your hometown and asked you to go watch a game with him.

“seriously yunhyeong, im so pissed. now i gotta sit with a stranger.” the young man complained to another young man with a fairer complexion and questionably smooth blonde hair. “now there chanwoo, it cant be that bad, i mean we’re still here right?”  chanwoo what a cute name, you thought to yourself. he is kind of cute as well hmm.

your uncle came back with calorie filled snacks and placed them in your lap, “eat up kid, this place is a rip off. can you believe $3.80 for a flippin hotdog?” you chuckled, you missed your uncle, you spent most of your childhood with him until he flew to london to further his studies. you were so glad he decided to come back to korea to live with you again.

the sound of a low grumble made you turn your head. isnt that the- the um chanwoo? he was unbelievably handsome up close. you watched as chanwoo threw his long body into the seat next to yours, “this seat isnt taken right, i dont want to move again.”  you stuttered for some reason “n-no.. it isnt.” chanwoo thought to himself.

well. 

at least the stranger’s cute.

-

“seriously?! my GOD Y/N DID YOU SEE THAT GUY? i cant believe he missed that throw!” the batter missed the ball and your uncle was downright about to get out of his seat and jump into the pit to beat the shit out of the batter. “right,” you held your arms out towards your uncle, “dude chill, theres another round.” somehow you felt chanwoo gaze on you but you decided to ignore it.

when your team scored, all of their fans stood up cheering, including chanwoo. “YO UNCLE THAT WAS AMAZING.” you werent interested at first but man the batter got his shit together and accomplished a home run. you and your uncle were jumping in victory until there was a sudden grip on your hand. “yunhyeong! oh my god did u see that he- oh crap sorry.. thought you were my friend.” chanwoo apologised as he scratched the back of his head and smiled at you. “nah its fine, it really was an amazing round though!” you smiled back, only to realize you were the only two still standing. “hey lovebirds! sit down! you’re blocking our view.” you both apologised and sat back down shyly.

“um..” chanwoo extended his arm, “im chanwoo” yeah i know, kinda overheard your heated argument. “im y/n! nice to meet you.” you flashed a friendly but in some way awkward smile at him, damn your social skills.

you didnt talk for the rest of the game until your team won with a score of 2-0 (a/n: tbh i dont know how baseball works dont attack me) “y/n! kid! since our team won, i’ll take you out to dinner as promised. i’ll go get the car. why dont you...” your uncle leaned in to whisper, “why dont you say goodbye to your friend, hes one heck of a catch.” your jaw dropped in disbelief, “UNCLE, whY WOULD YOU SAY-“ “SEE YA KID, BE QUICK.” and your uncle ran off.

you laughed and turned around to find chanwoo awkwardly standing at the steps looking for his friend. “hey um, chanwoo?” he turned his head almost immediately, “it was nice knowing you, i’ll see you around?” what the hell y/n? see you around?! you dont even know him that well! OK slowly walk away before this becomes even more awkward. you began to walk away to quickly escape the awkward atmosphere until chanwoo gently grabbed your wrist. “hey before you go, would you mind- um...” he coughed and rapped? ” givingmeyourinstagrambecauseiwouldreallylovetotalktoyou?”

you burst into a fit of laughter, “what??”.

“um- your instagram.. i would really like to know you more.” he scratched the back of his head. you exchanged usernames and parted ways.

-

you got into your uncles car and screamed into your hands. “HE ASKED FOR MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT OH MY GOD.” all your uncle could do was smile and shake his head, “don't get carried away now, he asked for your social medias. he didn't ask u to marry him.”

-

your phone vibrated and you took it out in anticipation, hoping its the tall brown haired handsome boy who dm-ed you.

junchans sent a message.

you let out a squeal and unlocked your phone.

-

junchans: hey!!! is this y/n?

y/u/n: sorry no

junchans: shit.. sorry

y/u/n: just kidding kid its me. whats up

junchans: so.. what are you doing tomorrow?

y/u/n: nothing much, probably gon sleep in till 1

y/u/n: omg are u askin me out

y/u/n: crap i shouldn't have asked that. if you aren't i'm gonna be embarrassed for life...

junchans: well yeah i am, catch a movie with me?

y/u/n: JDKSDK OKAY

junchans: wow you’re cute

wow you’re cute. he called me cute. cute?????? “UNCLE HE CALLED ME CUTE!” you ran out of the room and into the living room where your uncle was leisurely lying down on the couch next to your dog. “UNCLE you didnt ask but.. that chanwoo guy called me cute!”

“great, you should date him!”

“im catching a movie with him tomorrow, im freaking out !!!!!!!!”

“MARRY HIM.”

“UNCLE YOU ARE NOT HELPING. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? what should i say? WHY AM I nervous?! crap..”

your uncle stood up and dragged you into your room. he picked out a peculiarly cute outfit for you, “wear this, dont freak out and be yourself. now get to bed!”

-

you looked pretty cute honestly speaking. the oversized jumper tucked into a pair of mom jeans looked well on you and your hair looked okay! the universe is on your side! may this date? go well.

-

coincidentally, you took the same train as chanwoo so the both of you walked to mall together. the sweet boy decided to pay for your ticket as well, you were catching “it” together. the both of you werent good with horror movies but watched it anyways. throughout the whole movie, you held chanwoos forearm, slightly touchy for someone you just got to know but you really couldn’t stand the sight of the damn clown. 

he wasnt good with the jumpscares as well, occasionally he’d jump and spill popcorn, causing you to giggle. “THAT WAS.. slightly scary.” you laughed at chanwoos response, “i couldnt stand that clown, jeez its so scary... but it was a good film!” 

you could obviously tell there was a bit of tension between the two of you, i mean you weren't the kind to start conversations. the cold air brushed against you and you lift your scarf up higher to cover your chilly nose and you caught chanwoos eyes, he threw you a smile, a smile which obviously screams “this is kinda awkward because we aint talking! and you caught me looking at you so why don't i smile to attempt to kill this tense air!” but that smile kinda made you flush red and chanwoo could probably tell from his little giggle which again didn't fail to make you feel all tingly on the inside.

chanwoos soft but husky voice awoke you from your daydreaming.  

“can i walk you home? i mean thats what guys usually do on dates and its kinda late.” date... DAte?! DATE?!!! “yeah sure and im kinda afraid to go back on my own as well.” you admitted shyly.

while walking, chanwoos hand kept rubbing against yours and you dont know if you had gone completely bonkers but you slipped your hand into his. chanwoo turned hastily towards you, your cheeks heated up real bad so you turned away. his hand was so big, it was more like he was holding your hand. it felt was so warm that you forget frosty weather that engulfed your city.

you didn't feel like letting go.

“well. we’re home. i mean i’m home.” damn it y/n. chanwoo laughed and unwillingly let go of your hand. “i had fun y/n, thanks for the date. i’ll call you out again sometime.” he winked and turned around to walk away but your voice stopped him in his tracks.

 “wait! chanwoo!” he turned around, “ i winked at you! you're not suppose to call me back, its embarrassing..” you giggled and asked, “can i borrow your phone?” he was confused but passed you his phone anyway, “you’re not gonna steal my phone or something right.” 

you laughed out loud, “nah but instead of always popping up in my dms, why dont you text me instead.” this time you winked and gave him back his phone, with chanwoos jaw slightly agape, you chuckled and unlocked the door to your apartment and waved a last goodbye to the tall handsome boy.

-

i finally posted something !!!! i wrote this quite some time ago and finally edited it, let me know if you liked it and what you think? my message box is always open! ✲ﾟ｡(✿)ﾉ☆.₀:*ﾟ✲ﾟ*

(and again i apologise for such a delay.. lifes kinda a bitch)

[survivorfillory]

Nicole’s Jury Question

Jess:

Jess of the House of Lies, the Probably Sixth or Seventh of Her Name, Queen of Zwooper Crackheads, The Commander of Fillory, The rightful Queen of the Canadian North and The Protector of Your Premade, Queen of Montreal (I think?), Queen of Your Own Heart , Breaker of Deals and Mother of Your Kiddos Dani and Maynor.

I honestly think you played a strong game but I have issue with voting for you because of how aggressive and transparent your game was, especially from my perspective. Please list one GENUINE fun fact you know about every single person in the jury (not including things we can find in their bios, profiles, etc.)

Maynor:

HELLO, I applaud you on getting me out. You literally came out of left field and used the people in your group as a meat shield which is a smart UTR strategy. Still, I want to know more about your game. Please tell me the three key points in your game where you felt you had the most influence over your group and how these events helped you get to where you are.

Touché Nicole! (It took me 5 minutes to do that :( (jkjk…. )

Alright let’s go.

So first up we have Lily. Lily is from Michigan and is getting married soon-ish? She also wants to move to Arizona at some point in the future because she hates the cold. She was also on vacation during the game in Arizona I believe? She had fun!

Then we have you. It’s hard for me to distinguish what I know about you from VL’s and others so bare with me here…I know you are a HUGE Game of Thrones fan, you enjoy a good alcoholic beverage from time to time, and obviously we both share a love for Alyssa.

I will admit our relationship was rather game-focused most of the time.

Colin! Colin has recently gotten into Drag and was considering a few pretty awesome drag names! (I really hope I’m not outing you here, if I am y��all can remove this! :O). I think I also convinced him to start watching Game of Thrones? Side note: I’ll never not hear ��Baby can’t you see.. I’m Collin” in the song “Toxic” from now on because of him.

https://www.tiktok.com/@colinstayballin/video/6691796730830130438?u_code=d1aad05dh299m3&preview_pb=0&language=en&timestamp=1558879632&utm_campaign=client_share&app=musically&utm_medium=ios&user_id=6584353126340657157&tt_from=copy&utm_source=copy

Stevie. I believe Stevie works more than one job and they both involve pharmaceuticals or medicine?? I believe one revolves around him physically working at a pharmacy. He also is obsessed with “Stars are Blind” and considers it an ANTHEM, he also added it to my ORG playlist.

Dennis. Dennis is another person who I need to try and distinguish what I know from other’s/vl’s and within this game. I also know for a fun fact he enjoys shows like Game of Thrones and The Vikings. We also both have cats!

I will admit a lot of our talks were game-related.

Dean Dean’s is super difficult because he literally wrote his life in DETAIL in his bio.

HOWEVER, I did not know that fun fact, he is an actual PUBLISHED author (I believe) until this game (which is super impressive wtf). Also Dean has trouble functioning unless he has a solid 6+ hours of sleep and a coffee in the morning.

Dani Fun fact I learned about Dani this season is… I honestly didn’t know that Dani wanted to continue her education at a collegiate level. I literally didn’t know she went to school at all let alone go to school and study a subject such as Psychology (or something along those lines).

Nicole:

1. The first major point was getting Keaton out. Keaton had the most relationships in this game. In doing so he wanted to be in with everyone. He was connected with me, you, dennis, jess, dani, dean, stevie, jacob. I dont know his relationship with the others but he said he like knew everyone playing. Voting him out helped others people’s games and my own. I wouldnt have to worry about him being in the middle and leaking info. I love him but didnt trust that he would be with me in this game. 

2. The second major point was taking you out in the f8. This was was very crucial to my game because if we pulled it off, we would have had majority (me dean jess dani). I was worried about it being a 4-4 tie because colin trusted you and Dennis a lot so i knew i couldnt trust him not to tell you guys. When he said he was going to be busy all day, i took the opportunity to talk to him and I guess maybe i was the only one because we both mention Stevie as a target and he sent his vote in. I planned the 4-3-1 vote from the beginning. Only got worried if Colin came on and saw that you and Dennis wanted Dean instead of Stevie. Thus I decided to be safe and play the travelor’s idol on Dean. Securing that you went. And gaining Dean’s trust in the game moving forward because i saved him. 

3. Taking out Dennis is third big key moment in my game. This vote was very tricky. We had Dennis/Stevie voting Dani. Dani/Jess voting Dennis.  Me and Dean were the middleish kinda. We were already leaning on voting Dennis because Dean felt he was the biggest threat left in the game. It was set to be 4-2 but Jess mentioned to me earlier in the game about Stevie’s peak a vote. This threw a wrench in things because Dennis got paranoid and we talked and called. In that i told him that they wanted to do Stevie and that i only had the vote in to see if i could trust stevie for the game moving forward. Peak the vote was in effect until tribal, so my vote was Dani up until 1 minute was left for voting and i switched it to Stevie. Which caused Dennis to play his idol on Stevie instead of himself which where he was voted out in a 3-2-0* vote. Getting Dennis out gave me jess dani majority but also gave me an opportunity to possibly go with Dean and Stevie if i felt my path was better to go with them. Getting Dennis out in f6 left me having control in the endgame and making sure i had the best way to make it to the f2.

[modiintrainguy]

Message to the Mrs

February 26, 2019

On Wednesday last week I had a bit of a bad evening - as usual i built up an expectation of how i was finally going to start organising and deal with things that evening and then i didnt. i sat in the dark when the kids went to sleep and when mrs came home i said id look for a job while she went to the therapist but instead i went to bed and watched some tv programme about a year off on iplayer. then when she came home she said shed been discussing litlun and that even if there are other issues, my “mood swings” have obviously been a big factor. and that was it i felt awful. all i could think of was “they fuck you up your mum and dad”. the mrs saw i wasnt feeling good and asked me why but i just couldnt talk - maybe i gave up too easily but i just shut down. so in the morning i started wrtiting to her on whatsapp to try and explain what happened. then i felt my manager would see, cos i was writing on the computer, so i started writing in a word doc. but i never finished it.

anyway thought i might as well put it here.

This is what i wrote on word:

>>>>>>>>>>>>> One thing that really frustrates me is that we don’t plan things most of the time and then we don’t really do as much as I feel like we should. I feel like we are wasting our lives – we have the opportunity to do things and go places and experience things and we don’t do them. We don’t go on holiday, we don’t go to places. We don’t make plans with other people. This is my fault and your fault but I know that if I knew how much money we had and we planned things properly we could do so much more and get so much more out of life. But of course it means researching where to go, speaking to people, planning things etc. I always feel like we have some sort of amount of money to use on doing stuff and going places and we could use it so much better. also i know this bothers me alot more than it bothers you.

And I forgot to write about how im so confused about my mind/mood issues. I just don’t know what exactly is wrong with me and who I can go to see to work it out and therefore what I should do to improve it. I know something is wrong. Obviously. But I get upset that people are so easy to tell me its depression and I should take antidepressants – because it is such a simplified analysis. all these medications do is increase the amount of serotonin (or dopamine or Norepinephrine) in the brain, and theres no reason to think I have a lack of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine in the brain apart from people kind of guessing that the lack of these neurotransmitters could perhaps be the cause of mental disorders. So by agreeing to take these antidepressants that its like saying the low level of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine must be one of the main reasons for my problems and now we are well on the way to improving things. There is a lot of evidence that these drugs don’t even help and could even make it less likely there will be an improvement in the long term also. And the potential long-term affects are not clear at all – as far as I have seen in the limited amount ive looked into all this, these drugs have permanently change the way your brain works in the long term. Of course, I know that mindfulness and breathing and meditation can help – and I try to do them - but I don’t think they are overall solutions. So im all confused and uncomfortable because I feel like ive got stuck, like im at an impasse.

The one thing ive read/heard about that sounds interesting is called “Critical psychiatry” – a network of psychiatrists who are sceptical about the efficacy of medication and the focus on medication as a cure and on using catch-all terms like depression to describe an individual persons situation. So I thought is should find a psychiatrist who comes from this perspective. Im just uncomfoirtable with spending so much money on sessions unless it really feels like its going to be worth it. Like instead of going to 2 psychology sessions or just one psychiatrist session I could have a brand new pair of trainers.

So the thing is, each day when im in the office all these things rush through my mind. And I think I cant deal with it now so I’ll have to deal with all or at least some of it in the evening.

So I start imagining how in the evening I’ll sit with the computer and plan money and my amazing intermittent fast-keto diet food plan and an exercise plan and jobs and all of our food and supermarket plan and a holiday plan and work out yoga and stuff, and look into the theories and writings about psychological disorders and “critical psychiatry” and possible therapists. and I also know I need to clean up and do washing and stuff and I feel terrible that I leave you to deal with the clothes washing as well as organising money and all the million other regular things u do just to keep our household running normally.

But when I get home I feel overwhelmed  - with the reality of the situation and how bad I feel about how you are tired because I feel like its my fault for not doing enough and for making you feel upset and uncomfortable in your own home because I have what you recently started describing as “mood swings” but really its me getting frustrated with things and expressing that frustration in a negative way.

And im also tired and I feel I deserve to have a rest and I know im going to have to get up early – either 5.30am or 6.30am so I feel like if I don’t go to bed soon im going to be tired.

If I’ve picked up the kids then I can’t do anything till ive put them to sleep, and then I usually sit in the dark for a bit because I don’t want to disturb them once I leave their room and I cant work out what I want to do and also I feel like I cant do anything till I have at least cleaned up the kitchen and organised my draws in my room and dealt with the washing. And I get frustrated about the mess and the dirt and the lack of real organisation and how I can never remember how to do the washing machine and drier.

And if I don’t pick up the kids and get home after they’ve gone to bed I see you sitting there trying to just relax and take yourself out of the stresses of your situation by watching video clips on your phone or on the tablet. And I feel even worse because of what ive done to make you feel like this, even though I know its not only because of me – its because of your stress at work and your dad and you miss your mum and how you feel a bit uncomfortable in Israel and how you worry about the girls and all this other stuff. But still I blame myself because I am to blame for a significant part of this.

And then I start regretting and feeling upset about how ive not stuck to the diet and I fucked up the job interview and I cant work out what I really want out of my job or my life and im never going to have time to organise a holiday or even things to do on Fridays and people to invite and how much we can afford to spend on people.

>>>>>>>

Then i sent this message:

[punkscrunchies]

-letsbefriends-

reblogged your post and added:

???? Trouble following that first bit..idk why...

for some reason i cant reblog this and explain bc tumblr’s code is fucking up again so i have to do it in replies

i understand why this may have caused confusion. and this honest to god is not an attack on trans/ace people/pan people. this is more of a “me venting post.” my younger brother (he’s trans, still getting used to that :/) is friends with a girl who has like...a twenty syllable word for her sexuality and she’s only 12/13.

ALSO:

fun fact - being trans IS actually caused by a physical trait! i believe it’s a mix-up of chemicals or signals in the brain. i understand how not knowing this could have caused a mix-up.

my referral to pan people was...rude. my point that came out was NOT the one i had in my head. my apologies. (i think it was 2am when i posted it so that may explain a few things) WHAT I MEANT was that people like to say being “pan” and being “bi” are ‘so different!’ but the fact is that, when it comes down to it, you’re attracted to dick and vagina with both of them. i dont at all understand why there has to be two terms for this, but okay. i’m not going to rant at you about this if you tell me that you’re pan - i wrote this as an explanation.

also the ‘dick and vagina’ thing brings me to the general point of the post itself. WHAT I MEANT in it was that, yes, i am fucking sick of the LGBT+ acronym going from LGBTQIA+ (which was probably the most letters i can accept) to LGBTKAJWJBOCKJABLIGB+. my problem is that people want to describe their sexualities in terms of being gender-inclusive but that’s not how sexuality works. sexuality is what you are automatically attracted to. It’s a deep psychological thing and a biologically female lesbian is not going to look at a biologically male who identifies as female (and hasnt started/taken hormones) across the room and want to sleep with her. that’s not because she’s transphobic - it’s because sexuality is not gender fucking inclusive. i know lesbians have been in relationships with mtf people before, but the attraction, that moment where you look at someone and think “i’d hit that” usually happens after that person has been taking hormones for a while.

 why? she identified as female, right?

because a lesbian is a woman who is attracted to female physical/sexual features. that is how sexuality works.

my problem, therefore, is that tumblr has created this LGBT+ society where everyone has to have a super-specific label to describe them - the girl i was talking about before was attracted to “everybody but biologically female people.” so shes straight, fuckin hetero. the point of a label on sexuality is for two reasons:

1. for scientific research/classification

2. as a general description in order for you to find people who share similar experiences with you (the point of the LGBT+ community)

labels are meant as general descriptors for what is biologically not straight/cis. not what is the most gender-inclusive label you can stick on. L - attracted to female traits. G - attracted to male traits (assuming that G=only homosexual males). B/P - attracted to female and male traits. T - having a difference in make-up of the brain that causes you to feel dysphoria and dysmorphia in your own body. + - ace; agender/etc. You dont need a label to be SPECIFIC, you need it to be general so you dont have to explain your sexuality. God, i have to explain what me being bisexual (and very rarely agender since im not open about it) enough - why would you want to be anything more ridiculous??

here’s a quote from a blog i found:

“Straight girls on tumblr have an annoying problem with inventing sexual orientations so they can feel more oppressed than they actually are. Because what it comes down to is most of them are some sort of boring, every day sexuality (usually hetero) they [sic] have to tack on other words to define themselves and confuse people into thinking they are oppressed... What it boils down to is basically 99% of these...people with weird sexual orientations that they completely made up, are actually...straight girls who are pissed off that they aren't special snowflake enough to qualify for minority status. What they do instead is created sexual identities that no one has ever fucking heard of, that they will never use in real life, and then sit on the internet pretending that life is SO HARD for someone with a sexual orientation that is actually just a personal preference they have when trying to find a mate. All of this is a slap in the face to actual people who are actually in the LGBTQ community because what it does it make the universe less likely to take real issues seriously. ”

Another interesting quote from the same post:

“This sexuality (which by the way was completely 100% invented for a roleplaying game back in the early 2000's)” - in reference to demisexuality.

that’s basically my problem summed up, except incorporating ridiculous genders in too. 

i really don’t think i can go past that in terms of an explanation so. there we go. i guess i could say that, to me, some of these gender identities (some, not all) and sexuality labels (again, some, not all) are on the same level as “identifying” as a race/ethnicity.

anyway i hope this helped. i really dont mean to be offensive, it was a vent post. my problem is not that im being transphobic or whatever phobic we’ve invented this week (let’s not bring up aphobia). it’s that young girls want attention and they’ve come here to get it. it’s a slap in the face after leelah alcorn especially.

also, possibly different issue somewhat related here, but my school’s LGBT+ club has turned into an anime club. so not to stereotype but...there’s a type of people who like. make up this shit.

also, another possibly different issue somewhat related here - my school has had to get a doctor’s certificate for gender dysmorphia and gender dysphoria because the counsellors cant deal with the amount of people identifying as some form of gender identity (especially trans - they like playing with cars and suddenly theyre a different gender!!!!) for attention (theyre all under the age of 15 btw).

okay. i still dont know why i couldnt reblog this from you or message you but. here we are. bye. hope you have a nice day. didnt and dont mean to offend

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #14: "i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted)” - Bryce

I can't believe that I am here. I made it to the Final 4. It is very crazy. I thought that I was toast in the Final 6. So to be here now is very exciting and shocking. The final 3 is going to depend on who wins immunity. I am really hoping that I could win this immunity to secure my spot in the final 3. If not then I hope that Matt doesn't win it. He needs to be an option just in case. I'm very nervous. I just finished my rites of passage. and its crazy that its almost final tribal.

so im getting 4th. FJKASDHFKJh this comp is so hard and like im literally not gonna be able to do endurance so i need to do well on the other stuff but i just dont see that happening... like this puzzle first try was 70 minutes FJKASDHFKAJS. AND I KNOW COUNTING WILL MESS ME UP BC IM NERVOUS WRECK i didnt even mean to caps that but its tea. like flash game i think when i played this once before i wasnt bad but maybe i was who knows. im so emo like no one is talking to me anymore FKJASHDFKJ like i guess bc its just 1 vote left they dont wanna pretend they wont cut me FJAKSDFH like my game not even that good im gonna get dragged by sharky/nathan/keaton/nicole/ everyone but brian... maybe even brian who knows NNNN. my nnn. is so iconic.. maynor who?. idk like ok so if i win immunity (which i wont) idek what to do like i feel like voting matt is the best option maybe. bc i WONT be voting maynor bc i love him (not that i dont love anna and matt) but i just feel like we've had the best relationship of the f4 and im confident that the jury will like my game more than his (maybe they wont tho... i say confident but i mean 2% (not skim) sure they will) but ok so annabelle prob is hated by jury at least from brian and maybe even sharky? but like she didnt play bad she literally made most iconic move at f6 and i respect that but idk if jurors do like ppl keep saying shes a goat  so maybe she has no chance. and then theres matt where like ppl cant be mad he voted them when everyone and their mom in this game has voted him ASDKJFHASDKJ. like so hes prob liked by jury but i just dont know if hes done anything to deserve to win. he found 2 idols successfully played 1 but that was more on anna/nicks weird sense of leaking when it didnt really benefit them.  but like ok he was least threatening member of trio who got to the end so underdog edit is there even tho he literally wasnt underdog tbh u know who was an underdog... ME. i had NO ONE but nathan for a lil.. then dennis... then he got ROBBED. so then i had brian... but he got ROBBED. and now i have maynor like ive literally flipped and flopped to better my game and idk like i am physically able to meaningfully say ive done anything good ever in life or orgs but like i didnt do too bad i think! KJFAHSDKJF... idk maybe im getting 0 votes 3rd place no matter what and if thats the case im still so happy bc ive had a lot of fun in this game and met some true friends (and keaton) but like im getting 4th anyway so doesnt matter! ugh that sounds like a final goodbye confession but i know me and im gonna confess like 10 more times before this round is over so if i do get 4th/3rd just know that this was my true end...

So like.... I do not think i'm winning immunity. like at all. which makes me pretty nervous ngl. I really want to be there at the finale cause i think I have a good shot. If Bryce loses, i'm fairly sure i'm good to get to FTC but otherwise im scared. Making FTC would be really good for me cause I think i can out argue Maynor and Annabelle fairly well, but otherwise with bryce there idk. So like, BRYCE CAN'T WIN IMMUNITY. Also this FIC is disgusting like no thanks. I've already fucked up the 2 live ones so uh ya am annoyed :(. woo final juror here i come!

Bryce won immunity. Im glad. I wouldnt want to be in the position to vote Bryce. I had to abstained from the counting part cuz it triggered my anxiety. I tried tho but i couldnt. This vote is going to be said. Matt is going to go 4th. And i feel really bad. We got to know each other more during every tribal. This really sucks. I just dont want to give him false hope where there isnt any. Im going to help tomorrow.

I am so getting final juror. fuck. i knew it would happen if bryce won immunity and it fucking is. I am so sad about this. I have worked so hard all game to get here and its just being tossed away like that. I am SO sad. I have fucked up my sleep schedule for this game and now its getting me final juror. ugh. i just wanted to get to the end and like argue my case. but now? not happening :( i hate this

I WON I REALLY WON IMMUNITY ASKDJFHASKDJF I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA LOSE WHEN I GOT 12 POSTS ASJFKHKASJFDHASDKJF THATS SO NNNNN IM SO HAPPY BUT SO SAD BC NOW I TRIED TO TELL MATT IM VOTING HIM BC I WANT TO BE HONEST BUT HE SAYS HES TALKING TO A BRICK WALL LIKE???? SORRY FOR NOT WANTING TO GIVE U FALSE HOPE AJDSFHDKAJ its honestly so rude like ive been in that position before so i know what its like when ur pleading ur case and the person doesnt seem to care and im NOT doing that. but obvioulsy i didnt just make up a plan on what to do at f4 so obviously i have thoughts and plans and im not just gonna switch it up bc u plea to me now. idk KJASHDFKJ also im so scared im gonna lose now NNN hes saying anna played so well and tbh she kind of did maybe i lose no matter what...

So like i am leaving but its ok! why? cause i will preserve my legacy by dropping a whole ass fajita recipe here so that I can feel like i have made an IMPACT on the season. Even though like im still sad its me, im going out with a bang baby! I don't use this recipe personally ( I am a broke student) but its v.good!

Ingredients: 2 large chicken breasts, finely sliced 1 red onion, finely sliced (ready to make you cry) 1 red pepper, sliced 1 red chilli, finely sliced (optional) For the marinade 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika 1 tbsp ground coriander pinch of ground cumin 2 medium garlic cloves, crushed 4 tbsp olive oil 1 lime juiced 4-5 drops Tabasco

Method: Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and wrap 6 medium tortillas in foil.

Mix 1 heaped tbsp smoked paprika, 1 tbsp ground coriander, a pinch of ground cumin, 2 crushed garlic cloves, 4 tbsp olive oil, the juice of 1 lime and 4-5 drops Tabasco together in a bowl with a big pinch each of salt and pepper.

Stir 2 finely sliced chicken breasts, 1 finely sliced red onion, 1 sliced red pepper and 1 finely sliced red chilli, if using, into the marinade.


Heat a griddle pan until smoking hot and add the chicken and marinade to the pan.

Keep everything moving over a high heat for about 5 mins using tongs until you get a nice charred effect. If your griddle pan is small you may need to do this in two batches.

To check the chicken is cooked, find the thickest part and tear in half – if any part is still raw cook until done.

Put the tortillas in the oven to heat up and serve with the cooked chicken, a bag of mixed salad and one 230g tub of fresh salsa.

hope the random person reading this uses it otherwise gj future me reading this you've officially gone insane! yeet ig?

This is going to be a sad day. I really like Matt and dont want to vote him out but its the best option from the people available. It really sucks. I feel his pain and ahh.

I’m literally going to cry. I want to help Matt. I wish we could all be final 3 but we can’t. I’m dying emotionally. Final 4 always has so much pressure cuz theres only 4 people left. I hope Matt doesn’t hate me. I hope he understands thisnis a game move because he techinically was the underdog in the beginning then was on top then back to underdog. I just hope he doesnt take it personal that I don’t think tie-ing it for him would be good for my game.

OMG IDK WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MATT GO HOME PLS BUT I FEEL LIKE ANNA IS VOTING MAYNOR IM GONNA BE SO SAD AHHHH DJSKFHSDKJF

Matt is voted out 3-1. He becomes the final juror.

ok so i had the worst day of my life today and didnt plan my speech at all so thats where im at NNN time to fake smile and hope the jurors like my ad libbed speech ASFKUHDFKJ ftc starts in 4 minutes.

well.. that was interesting adsjflhasdkfj. Like i always have 0 confidence in myself so i think im gonna lose and i really do respect the game that anna and maynor played. im just sad that i dont think i articulated myself well bc like im so bad with words anajsfhakj and ppl were saying conflicting things and its just not in me to like chime in with my pov to possible sway it in my favor bc i literally hate attention (i say as i broke out into song unprompted) but yaaa like i truly think that maybe i kind of did play super well and deserve to win but either way ill be happy bc i made *some* genuine friendships and also like had so much fun voting ppl out KFADHSKJASHK. i wish i like wrote what all my confessionals were so i could reference sth i said on day 1 but it was prob like i hate my tribe they ignore me so maybe ill just say that again FKJADSHFKJ. we love coming full circle... im so hungry i didnt eat so i will now stop typing to get dinner maybe i will write another confessional. omg wait gotta have some line thats iconic in case theres an episode title... think... love talking to myself FAKSDHFKj im so funny when i was like "i realized hey i respond to myself ill take me to the end" its such a mood KFJASDHFKJ ok but hm... ok. maybe im a snake who doesnt actually care about people and use them to my advantage to get my way but at least im not jayden. OMG jk thats so mean even tho he deserves it ALSO i was gonna like comment on keaton being like "saying the n word doesnt make u racist" but then he was kind of nice to me so i didnt.. love being as fake woke as me... not being confrontational to get a jury vote... so gross NNNN wooh idk how to end this but watch waves music video normani literally snapped so hard is being as slept on as me. omg wait... maybe im a pillow bc i sure am being slept on. iconic line.... i love the hosts so much ignore literally every cringe thing i wrote in this confessional pls FKJADSHKFJ

IM VERY DRUNK AND I DNT KNOW IF I HAD TO. BUT EITHER BRYCE OR ANNA WILL WIN CUZ IM A MES AND DONT DESERVE TO CUZ THEY WERE BOTH AMAZING FOR LETTING ME GET TO FTC. I WANNA THANK ANNA THE HOST FOR BEING AMAZING AND GREAT. I LIKED THE ALICE THEM CUZ HEART CUZ ICANT  EMOHJI, ,LOVED THIS SEASON AND UR ALL AMAZING HOSTS.

Im happy I made it to the final 3. And even though FTC was bad; I enjoyed it. I know I’m probably getting 3rd which is fine. I have so much respect to Annabelle and Bryce and everyone in the jury. I’m more excited to be able to talk to all of them again. Let’s see who is our winner will it be Bryce or Annabelle!? The hosts you guys were amazing and i had a great time this season. Im glad Jones pushed and convinced me to apply. Thank you for giving me a spot in this season. And Jones you da best. 💖💛💙

confession time. everytime i write one of these i put the day as who are u and my name as what day is it.. my mind always having to go change it. but um didnt think i would be writing another one of these FJKSADF but i have no self control and winner reveal is in 4 and a half hours and im literally sick FAKJDSk i feel so anxious and nervous like even if i lose im gonna be happy but i just really want to win also im still trying to process ppl not liking me or my gameplay and saying i played with their emotions FJKASDHFJ i had a blast. anyways this is the anthem of the day apparently https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhzN7SfnNeY

WHATS GOING ON?? IM TIRED IS WHATS GOING ON IM SO ANXIOUS! im sooo anxious i want to win. pls...

Bryce wins Celestial Marmoreal in a 4-3-0 vote!