#but I have not self diagnosed with those. I constantly say how I'm not sure and I am just saying what makes the most sense to me

[transmasc-wizard]

throwing myself at the foot of a therapist's chair saying Please pretty please explain to me what these symptoms are caused by

[lastoneout]

I got evaluated again yesterday for hEDS(the geneticist wanted to make sure before we did the test I guess?) and it's VERY funny bcs I didn't expect that and about halfway through I started to get worried because he asked a handful of questions that I said no to(haven't dislocated anything, which, thank god, and my symptoms aren't as bad in my elbows and shoulders as they are in my hips, hands, and knees) and then he started checking my skin elasticity and scars and I always thought I didn't have the typical EDS translucent/elastic skin and "cigarette paper" scars but uh...apparently I do. At the end he was like "Yeah all of the signs point to hEDS you meet the criteria for diagnosis lets get the genetic test started" and I was relived but confused?

And I went home and stood in front of my fiancé like "your scars are soft, right?? they feel like stretch marks kinda, right??? almost like a silky soft, smooth gap in your skin?????" and he just looked at me funny and went "no? they're hard and stiff??" and I was like "but my skin isn't stretchy or translucent right" and he pinched my arm and his and was like "girl...you are so stretchy" and then pointed out that he could see almost all of my veins along my entire arms and hands before showing me his and how you could only see some of the veins in a few spots and I was just all

And like this isn't even the first time this has happened I always assumed I didn't have the soft velvety skin typical of EDS but that was just because I live with my skin everyday, once I asked my fiancé about it he was like "you literally have the softest skin I've ever felt in my entire life and I am constantly complimenting you for it wdym" and I suddenly remembered how people have always been pointing out how soft my skin is my whole life, and how my skin is legit SO SOFT I have issues opening doorknobs and jars and those little plastic bags at the store for veggies cuz I can't get traction, my hands are so smooth I DROP SHIT all the time, and like my CAT can't even sit on me when I'm not wearing long pants because she ALSO slides right off. Like fuck Alvida One Piece, I'm the one who ate the damn smooth-smooth fruit.

So anyway not trying to say self dx isn't valid at all but like def make sure to talk to people who have the condition or know about it because Google is absolutely only going to show you the most extreme examples when you look it up and you probably will underestimate your own symptoms as a result despite checking literally all of the boxes. Like you will assume things are normal/justify symptoms away in ways you didn't even know were possible. Like really how tf did I think this shit was normal.

Anyway congrats to me I def do have hEDS which puts so much of my life into perspective(legit just knowing my bad teeth aren't entirely my fault is incredible) and I am infinitely greatful to the people I know who also have EDS who, upon seeing my fucked up joints, went "hey so uh you need to talk to a doctor about that" lmao you were right!! I do indeed got fucked up joints + skin too damn smooth disorder!!

(Also I know you don't need a genetic test to confirm hEDS I'm getting it partially because my rheumatologist didn't want to diagnose me AT ALL without it for some reason despite admitting I fit the criteria without even needing to do the full exam and partially just to make sure I don't have one of the scary bad types that need way more medical intervention.)

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

Hiii! So, I'm kinda nervous to try but I wanna try the whole matchmaking thing for DC if you don't mind?

So, I'm 5'1, have shoulder length fluffy black hair, I have brownish yellow skin, have a scar above my left eyebrow from some stitches I got there, and dark-ish brown eyes.

I'd say I'm an energetic person, but at the same time have almost no energy for anything if that makes sense? I'm energetic if it's something I like, tired 24/7 otherwise. I'm self diagnosed with Autism and ADHD, waiting on an official diagnosis when I have the money for it. My favorite colors are green, blue, purple, red and black. I like dancing, singing, am super into music, learning how to skateboard right now, I love riding bikes, I am obsessed with reading, I enjoy theatre and am probably a theatre kid. I also like watching anime. I don't really have any close friends, but I do have a lot of friends and acquaintances! I'm a social butterfly and can Yap about anything I'm passionate about. I'm bisexual (masc leaning) and Genderfluid. I love animals and currently do ballet. I'm also a math whiz and a science whiz.

My fashion sense leans on more goth, punk, emo, alt, and Cottagecore. I constantly wear platforms and spiked rings, sometimes dangly earrings. I also wear fingerless gloves a lot. And I mostly wear black.

I dunno what else I can use to describe myself, so I hope this is enough?

Your DCU Ship: Tim Drake

Explanation: starting off with physical attraction, I think he would be very attracted to you. He’s not much taller than you. He’s about 5 inches taller than you and I think that he likes that you’re shorter than him because it’s often hard to find a person that is shorter than him.  he would also probably find your scars pretty bad ass cool and definitely ask lots of questions about where you got them and if you were ever insecure about your scars, he would just tell you how cool they make you look. he also thinks that your brown eyes are really pretty, and if you ever tried to insist that they were just plain brown eyes, and there was nothing special about them then he would definitely start comparing them to all sorts of pretty brown things like the rich soil of the earth or the darkest chestnut wood, chocolate, and coffee or things like that. yes this does make sense. I’m kind of a similar person and also I think that you and Tim would be a great balance. He’s always kind of tired and he doesn’t really sleep or he’s alarm clocks and he’s always kind of drained so I think that you guys will make a good couples, especially with your constant energy. I feel like it would energize him a bit, and he would make you a little bit less chaotic and give you a little bit more motivation to do things. If you were ever tired because it was a boring day then I’m sure he would make coffee with you and then try to cheer you up a little bit and you guys will be just cute little coffee, grumpy people together. He would also totally do a lot of outdoorsy activities with you even though he’s more of a stay and read person. He’s more of an introvert so I feel like your social butterfly would kind of bring him out of that a little bit and he could help you kind of not overwhelming yourself with social interaction. also, if you’re into math and science, you guys would totally geek out together like I feel like you would be so cool. You guys could just go into a room and talk for hours about that stuff and never get bored and I feel like he’d be very happy that you share some of those more similar hobbies to him and I mean he is literally a better detective than Bruce Wayne himself. He’s extremely intelligent so he would love discussing those things with you, as a kid, he listens to musicals. I feel like not a theater kid himself, but he would listen to musicals with you, and I feel like he would listen to his musicals on his own anyway, and he would come to all of her shows and always be super supportive. he also really loves your fashion taste and I feel like that’s kind of what made you stick out to him in the first place as he was like oh my gosh that person is so cool and I’m such a nerd. I’m such a dork like and he was super awkward approaching you and then you approach him and started talking to him and he probably got pretty flustered and awkward and I don’t know. I just feel like it would kind of be a really funny interaction for you to guys to have because I mean, I have a theory that he’s incredibly confident as red Robin his superhero persona but when he’s Tim Drake, he is so awkward man. He cannot hold a conversation and then red Robin. He’s like so smooth talking that’s my theory. anyway yall r cutieee 💙

[aspd-culture]

aspd culture is : goes into the aspd tag. seems someone claiming house md, (guy whos dxd aspd in the show im pretty sure lol) is actually hyperempathic instead of lacking it and avoids patients due to too much empathy. like ok just avoid the whole boundary pushing / whatever else ok. alright thats enough of that *turns off internet* ive had enough of prosocials damn why do they think the only aspd symptom ever is lack of empathy. god

The amount of people who take *any* ASPD rep - including but not limited to House, this was also EXTREMELY common with Wednesday Addams, who is also diagnosed with ASPD in the show Wednesday - and call it "hyperempathetic autism" is... disgusting honestly. I'm autistic too and I get the desire to have representation from non-infantalized characters, I do, but the erasure of ASPD from the very few sources who intentionally make ASPD representation is not how we handle that.

And, as you mentioned, many people intentionally overlook, ignore, or try to explain away any "bad" behavior (see also: ASPD symptoms) because it pushes against their point.

People are just... so desperate to not admit that anyone they like had ASPD that they will directly ignore and speak over the media's direct acknowledgement of ASPD just so they can see us as monsters and still have permission to like that character.

PSA to prosocials, especially those with no other experience with cluster b treatment:

When the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist says the character "has antisocial traits" or "is antisocial", that's not a descriptor, nor does it mean they don't like people/avoid interaction with people. That's a medical professional using a different model of discussing a diagnosis with the patient by rephrasing it without the disorder attached. This is super common with ASPD because many pwASPD who are forced into treatment - like House and Wednesday - are resistant to admitting something is "wrong with them", so the professional will use the inital descriptor instead of the entire disorder name. In this case it's "antisocial" with the words personality disorder removed. It's also common to see in media happening for people with BPD, with the character being referred to as "having borderline traits" or "being borderline".

If the professional was referring to them or their traits as "asocial", then it would mean what you guys think it does - they avoid interaction, have a general dislike of socializing/social situations, and generally self-isolate. Antisocial and asocial are not the same, and while you can argue that anyone else in a show calling someone antisocial won't know the difference, their mental health professionals do. Evidently, House and the rest of the cast are also very aware in-canon of mental health, going by the DID episode which was done amazingly well imo. If House knows about Dissociative Identity Disorder, I assure you ASPD is not off of his radar. ASPD is significantly more prevalent than DID, with up to 4% of the US population having ASPD compared to 1% of the population having DID. While there is issues with under-diagnosis, those issues are the case with both disorders, so it's likely that the difference made by that would at most only slightly close the gap between the two. House also researches things purely based on the existence of stigma and/or lack of public knowledge on the subject, and frequently attempts to find out why he thinks and acts the way he does behind the scenes. If you google his symptoms, ASPD would be at least one of the things that comes up. So again, he is not misusing antisocial.

In fact, no one on House, MD would say antisocial where they meant asocial, as they are versed in psychology as a part of dealing with complex cases that have failed repeatedly to be diagnosed. That is shown constantly throughout the show. If you chose 3 episodes at random, I'm willing to bet at least one would show their experience in psychology as one of the team pushes the "it's just mental illness" angle.

All of this is to say that fuck prosocials endless refusal to actually acknowledge ASPD, both in likeable and notably unlikable characters!! Many of them HATE House, yet still can't admit he has ASPD. It's giving ableist, because it is ableist.

Plain text below the cut:

The amount of people who take *any* ASPD rep - including but not limited to House, this was also EXTREMELY common with Wednesday Addams, who is also diagnosed with ASPD in the show Wednesday - and call it "hyperempathetic autism" is... disgusting honestly. I'm autistic too and I get the desire to have representation from non-infantalized characters, I do, but the erasure of ASPD from the very few sources who intentionally make ASPD representation is not how we handle that.

And, as you mentioned, many people intentionally overlook, ignore, or try to explain away any "bad" behavior (see also: ASPD symptoms) because it pushes against their point.

People are just... so desperate to not admit that anyone they like had ASPD that they will directly ignore and speak over the media's direct acknowledgement of ASPD just so they can see us as monsters and still have permission to like that character.

PSA to prosocials, especially those with no other experience with cluster b treatment:

When the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist says the character "has antisocial traits" or "is antisocial", that's not a descriptor, nor does it mean they don't like people/avoid interaction with people. That's a medical professional using a different model of discussing a diagnosis with the patient by rephrasing it without the disorder attached. This is super common with ASPD because many pwASPD who are forced into treatment - like House and Wednesday - are resistant to admitting something is "wrong with them", so the professional will use the inital descriptor instead of the entire disorder name. In this case it's "antisocial" with the words personality disorder removed. It's also common to see in media happening for people with BPD, with the character being referred to as "having borderline traits" or "being borderline".

If the professional was referring to them or their traits as "asocial", then it would mean what you guys think it does - they avoid interaction, have a general dislike of socializing/social situations, and generally self-isolate. Antisocial and asocial are not the same, and while you can argue that anyone else in a show calling someone antisocial won't know the difference, their mental health professionals do. Evidently, House and the rest of the cast are also very aware in-canon of mental health, going by the DID episode which was done amazingly well imo. If House knows about Dissociative Identity Disorder, I assure you ASPD is not off of his radar. ASPD is significantly more prevalent than DID, with up to 4% of the US population having ASPD compared to 1% of the population having DID. While there is issues with under-diagnosis, those issues are the case with both disorders, so it's likely that the difference made by that would at most only slightly close the gap between the two. House also researches things purely based on the existence of stigma and/or lack of public knowledge on the subject, and frequently attempts to find out why he thinks and acts the way he does behind the scenes. If you google his symptoms, ASPD would be at least one of the things that comes up. So again, he is not misusing antisocial.

In fact, no one on House, MD would say antisocial where they meant asocial, as they are versed in psychology as a part of dealing with complex cases that have failed repeatedly to be diagnosed. That is shown constantly throughout the show. If you chose 3 episodes at random, I'm willing to bet at least one would show their experience in psychology as one of the team pushes the "it's just mental illness" angle.

All of this is to say that fuck prosocials endless refusal to actually acknowledge ASPD, both in likeable and notably unlikable characters!! Many of them HATE House, yet still can't admit he has ASPD. It's giving ableist, because it is ableist.

[crowtheboneman]

I'm starting to go into burnout and have hit the wonderful stage of increased sensory sensitivity. Foods that I used to eat daily are now unbearable. The clothes I used to wear constantly now cause pain and sounds I used to find comforting now cause intense headaches. I feel like I'm constantly bordering on a meltdown, even when I've just had one. The world around me is significantly more irritating and unbearable than it was previously. I find myself hitting my tolerance for input daily, I'm having frequent anger outbursts and times of uncontrollable sobbing, which I'm slightly hesitant to classify as a mild meltdown but honestly might be. While I'm normally hyperverbal, with frequent variations in my inflection and tone, and becoming anxious when I don't speak for long periods of time. Verbalizing my thoughts is now exhausting, my voice slowly becoming more monotone, and I'm having more trouble speaking for long periods of time. It has become nearly impossible for me to feel empathy toward anything, which my ability to empathize has always been debatable, things that I think are empathetic actions others view as selfish or self absorbed, but now its almost like my heart is just empty. When I was diagnosed, it was decided I was not eligible for disability. Namely, due to the fact that I am capable of masking, despite the difficulty I face in my day to day life, I'm able to cover it up. I'm now seeking a reevaluation from a new psychologist. And despite my desperation to take a break from everything, I am unable, because if I do, I risk losing a roof over my head. Though I'd have to say one of the worst parts of all of this is the unbearable feeling of being completely alone. The fact that no matter what I do, no matter how desperately I try to describe my feelings, there is almost no one who will fully understand that almost no one who will know the constant overwhelm state I am in. Sure, there are other autistic people in my life who will, but those people have no ability to actually help due to them also being in a similar situation. Since my diagnosis, I have come to the realization that this world was not made for us, and we will always either be infantilized or treated as lazy and hunting for excuses. Because this world is catered to allistics, and accommodations for invisible disabilities are viewed as unfair and nothing but an inconvenience.

[thoughtfulfoxllama]

I kinda struggle with the "Family Proclamation," but not in the way most people do

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." It's a small thing, and when I see quotes from the Proclamation, it skips this part over. But I can't

I'm left wondering "what's wrong with me." I want to be a good Father, and a good Priesthood Holder (neither of which I had growing up), but I want to be the parent staying home. Me & my wife discuss, and we go back & forth on this issue, but we won't even have kids for a few years. It shouldn't be an issue then, but it is

I love cleaning the house, making dinner, and all those those activities that would've been called "women's work" in the savage ages. I have trouble holding down a job, no matter how much I like it (in fact, I try harder when I dislike it, for some reason). And this leads me to ask "how can God love me as much as other people, when he made them according to his divine design, but makes me against it." It's like when I realized I was attracted to my best friend (who was also AMaB), and wondered why God made me that way

It's kind of a stupid thing to get hung up on. I was able to keep my testimony from the worst slander the Baptists could throw at me (and I mean dig deep for stuff like "Adam-God" or "Blood Atonement"), from my own discovery of bisexuality, from my Liberal politics, from literally being told I couldn't go to the Celestial Kingdom because I didn't want to be sealed to my abusive mother (fun fact, I first met my wife when I was crying about that particular gem), but I struggle with this!? And I still believe the Book of Mormon is true, and Joseph Smith was a Prophet (as well as Brigham & having the Apostolic Authority, reinforced by the Savior visiting Lorenzo Snow). So, is this a case of God wanting me to suffer, or the Church getting it wrong?

And there's ways around it. My wife says we fall under "Disability, death, or other circumstances," which "may necessitate individual adaptation" (I have ADHD, Autism (which is just self diagnosed for now), and Depression). My father says I'm "providing for the necessities by making sure my wife is able to not worry about home." Both, while possibly true, just don't strike with me. But why can't I accept them!?

Whatever the answer, I hold on to the Testimony I have, that men are that they might have joy. Not joy in some far off future, but here and now. That we are called to build Zion, and I will do my part (even if the part of Zion I'm called to is only found in my home. Or even if it's across the world). That the Savior is my perfect example, whether I stay at home, or go abroad

But, I'm hoping for an answer sooner rather than later. Obviously, I'm looking for Work (Amazon is firing me because their Health Leave policy is crap, and they should obviously make a guy who is regularly passing out work but heavy machinery that has killed people before), because damn it, I don't want my kids to survive, but thrive. I'll work as much as I can to save up for them, and for mine & my wife's retirement. But if we ultimately decide, when we have them, that I'll be the parent staying home with the kids, I don't want to be constantly consumed with thoughts that I'm defying God's will

(And I do understand how heartless this may sound to the Queer Mormon Community. I'm in a Straight passing marriage (to someone I'm actually attracted to), and will hopefully have kids one day. In the Church where we're constantly told that's the ideal. I am not trying to be whiny, or take attention from the issue of Queerphobia in the Church, because it is an issue, and people are obviously struggling more than me. I hope it doesn't come across like I'm entitled or trying to say I'm suffering on the same level as some other people. I'm sorry if it does, and I'll do better next time)

[altheterrible]

Vindicated (I'm not selfish, I'm not wrong)

I’m not sure how long I’ve been dealing with right shoulder pain and instability, but I remember it was already a known, old issue when I started working at the museum in September 2022. So let’s say it’s been 18 months. It’s probably been longer, but my memory is shit.

When I first mentioned it to a doctor in late summer 2022, she told me to take up weightlifting to strengthen my rotator cuff and help with weight loss (a problem for which I was not seeking advice). She did not offer specific advice to help me do that, and then shortly thereafter, she left for a different practice out west. I got switched to a different doctor, who failed to send a referral to PT for three months despite several reminders. When she transferred to another office in December 2022, I was blessedly assigned to my current doctor, who both listens to me and sends referrals and prescriptions out in a prompt manner. He had me in PT by the end of January.

I worked on my shoulder in PT until mid-April, when insurance refused to pay for more sessions, citing that my condition was stable. This was true, I did hit a plateau in my progress then--but my arm still hurt constantly, I could still feel what felt like bones shifting around when I moved, my range of motion was bad, and my shoulder would still “slip out” and lock up a few times a day, leaving me unable to lift my arm higher than my chest. Still, insurance said if I wanted more PT, I needed to see an orthopedic specialist and get a diagnosis that would qualify me for more sessions.

Seeing an ortho took a few weeks. I eventually got into a community orthopedics clinic at the end of May. The doctor I saw there was hyper focused on my weight and my self-harm scars, which he mentioned several times AND wrote about in my chart. He diagnosed me with “too fat and out of shape to lift her own arm,” essentially. He said all I needed was to keep doing the home exercises I’d been given in PT to strengthen my rotator cuff and soon I’d be all better. He said I didn’t need more imaging.

So I did those fucking exercises all summer. And yet, nothing improved. In fact, the pain and instability increased. It felt like my shoulder was becoming dislocated upwards of 20 times a day, leaving me unable to move my arm without severe pain. Whenever it happened, I’d have to physically push on my collar bone to get my arm working again. All summer and into the fall I muttered “my insurance company says I’m fine” every time I had to fix my shoulder, take OTC painkillers (that I’m not supposed to use because of my kidney function), or couldn’t sleep because of pain.

My insurance company’s treatment plan didn’t work out, surprisingly. I repeatedly found myself in tears due to the pain that simple motions cause me. My shoulder ached at a constant 4-5 on the pain scale, and the pain radiated into my collar bone, my top rib, and down to my wrist. If I moved my arm wrong, I’d drop what I was holding. I started walking around just constantly shaking my arm trying to get the joint to settle in a less painful way. There was no less painful way.

My primary doctor finally took pity on me in September and ordered the MRI that the ortho didn’t think I needed. It took 3 months to get an appointment. Three more months of grinding pain, tears caused by simple motions, and frustration at my useless body. Three more months of telling myself to toughen up and stop being a baby. Three more months of people rolling their eyes because I was being so dramatic about “a little joint pain.”

Well, I  finally got in for my scan Wednesday. The results posted Thursday morning.

The MRI that ortho did not think I needed showed the following: 

Superior tear of the right shoulder labrum.

Posterior tear of the right shoulder labrum.

Anterior tear of the right shoulder labrum.

AC joint degeneration.

Fluid in the AC joint. 

Tendinopathy in 2 tendons of the rotator cuff.

The labrum is what keeps the shoulder joint stable. Mine is torn in 3 places. Which means, all these months I’ve been saying, “It feels like my shoulder is dislocating constantly and the bones are grinding together”, they WERE. That is EXACTLY what has been happening. The bones that make up my shoulder joint are so loosely connected that they are slipping all over the place, causing injury to nearby muscles, tendons, and ligaments. 

For 18 months. At least.

I now have an urgent appointment scheduled with an orthopedic surgeon, because I might need surgery. Physical activity is a no-go until I’ve been evaluated and cleared for PT, and PT has to be done  incredibly carefully if I can even do it.

I’ve been actively trying to get this taken care of for a year, during which I’ve been in constant, grinding pain, sleep deprived due to being woken up all night by pain, and damaging my kidneys by taking the forbidden NSAIDs. I’ve made changes to my wardrobe--I wear front close bras only, now. I’ve changed how I sleep--used to sleep on the right side, now it's the left side only. 

And all of this could have been avoided if someone had taken me seriously last September.

Which is infuriating.

But also. The VINDICATION I feel.

I want to rub my MRI in the face of every person who rolled their eyes at me for “whining about a little joint pain.” I want to staple it to the forehead of the doctors who told me I just needed to lose weight. I want to put in on my refrigerator and point to it every time my sister implies I’m being dramatic or lying when I say I can’t do something, like put dishes on the top shelf or carry a heavy box.

Fuck all of them. Fuck every person who told me “just take some Aleve and get over it, it’s just joint pain, welcome to getting older.” Fuck every person who expected 100% from me on days my arm bones were grinding together and I had pain radiating to my wrist and my sternum. 

Including me! Fuck me and my stupid need to persevere! I’ve pushed myself so hard the last year, because “I’m not going to let a little pain stop me!” even though “a little pain” sometimes had me crying and stopping would have prevented that. Yeah, I was failed by a lot of doctors, but I think it’s also partly my own fault that the damage is as bad as it is--I should have set more boundaries and had the backbone to listen to what my body was saying instead of people pleasing and trying not to make waves.

Fuck grinning and bearing it. Fuck putting up with pain because it’s easier for everyone else. Fuck doubting myself and taking the word of doctors over my own lived experiences. Doctors know medicine. I know how much this pain is affecting me. If we worked together, imagine what we could accomplish! 

Yeah.

On a different note, I have more pictures of the inside of me.

Gross.

[syasyajcllm]

Aaaand... Here's some of my REALLY old TF2 art from 2017 and 2018. Maybe someone will recognise me from it. (Doubt it xD)

cw: a lot of tearjerker words, mentall issues and kinda mentions of violence (?)

I’ve always wondered how cyclical history is. Six years has passed and I had returned to the most grotesque, both silly and peculiary wise fandom in my entire life (dare I say it). Back then, I was a socially awkward minor clinging to any chance to go deeper into the pointless escapism. Anyways, I was stuck in a frustration about having to set my career preferences already. It went so bad that after six (maybe seven??? i actually lost count) hospitalisations my doctor diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia. Nevertheless, slowly but surely, things were getting better. I got therapy and found out that I was misdiagnosed which is sadly not uncommon in Russia. I tried out so many medications only to find out that all of these were pointless. What a lame. Then, I tried to go back in time and recover my memories which was disrupted because of treatment I didn't even need. And I was pleasantly surprised how much tender teenage love I put into every art, every shape on the pic dedicated to TF2.

Back now, I recall how much emotions, communication and happiness this fandom gave me. And I'm so glad that it was not abandoned and forgotten like an average old (but gold) game and comics. By the way, my OC blonde soldier with facial scars went through this with me and I still adore him as well as my other 9 mercenaries. :) His name is James Tiberius Rourke and someday I'll make a post about him and other in those motley crew.

Back to the theme. I'm 21 now and I want to try almost the same experience but from another angle. I never needed to self-reproach about who am I, I never needed to put myself onto pressure, I just need to have fun and look at dirty rude and partially illiterate gravel war pigs and constantly say "aww, they're so cute when hysterically smiling after tearing someone's spine apart 🥺". Unlike in the past, now I have a measured personal life, a large circle of acquaintances and friends and a lot of prospects in the future. Six years in one fandom is actually my record and by the active return I felt refreshed. I hope my love to the game, the comic and its community will last forever.

[autistic-duck]

Growing Up Undiagnosed

TW: mentions suicide, ABA therapy, bullying, and self-harm

To any autistics with similar experiences, please tread with caution. I wrote this in the midst of a meltdown.

I won't say whether growing up undiagnosed is good or bad. I have no idea what my life would have been like if I'd been diagnosed sooner. Maybe I would have been less depressed. Maybe I would have been put through ABA therapy and taught that who I am is wrong. (Maybe I went through something similar in everyday interactions anyways.) Maybe I would have hated myself more. Maybe I would have hated myself less. Maybe somebody could have helped. Maybe people would have taught me that I'll never be more than my disability. Maybe I would have gone farther. Maybe I would have been held back.

The truth is I'll never know, and it's a waste of time for me to guess how I might have turned out if people had seen my symptoms and said, "She's got autism."

Because people didn't see. Nobody saw me; nobody understood. I had no idea what was "wrong" with me, and people assumed things about my actions that just weren't true.

I wasn't trying to get out of anything because I was manipulative or lazy. I was (I am) autistic.

When I quit volleyball camp at age 12, it wasn't because I was giving up. I was just tired of being screamed at. I was tired of feeling lost and alone. Coaches tried to help me. They let me practice by myself when I was the only one not capable of serving a ball. (I never learned to do it, yet I tried so hard.) The coaches didn't understand that I couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't breathe with thirty girls shouting at each other and volleyballs flying all around. I was constantly terrified of getting hit in the head because I couldn't keep up with everything around me.

A ball hit me in the head one day and my glasses flew off and scratched my nose. And all I could think when looking at my glasses was, "I don't know what to do." The coaches told me what to do, and I did it.

When I'm alone with nobody who understands me, they get mad at me for not understanding. In those moments, I freeze. I cry. I shut down. In those moments, someone could easily push me over and I would curl up and stay down. They could kick me and I wouldn't move. In those moments, anything could happen and I'd have no way of stopping it.

And that's why I'm scared of going outside. And that's why I'm scared of tall men and teenagers. And that's why I'm scared of going to college, and getting a job, and being a human. Being a human means I might get killed (because I freeze. I cry. I shut down.) and in those moments I could die. In those moments I'm completely vulnerable, and I've been hurt in those moments. I've been screamed at. I've been scorned. I've had headphones ripped off my head. I've had people grab my arm so hard it left red marks and bruises. In those moments everyone else has the power. I cannot think, cannot act, cannot protect myself.

When I quit my first job, I did it to protect myself. Working in a deli was a bad idea, and I knew it from the first day. My hands were so sweaty I couldn't put on the disposable gloves, my body shook the entire time, I jumped at every sound, and nothing was clean. The places where food goes are supposed to be clean, but it was so dirty, and seeing that space, touching that space, disgusted me. I felt guilty at my disgust. Here are people trying their best, and I'm judging them for not doing enough. Here are people wanting food, and I am handing them food I'm not sure is safe.

I quit after the first day, and my dad told me it would become a pattern. I quit my second job after three months. I quit my third job at six months. Will I make it through college?

When you forced me to go to school, while I was sobbing and begging to stay in the car, I knew my needs didn't matter. Getting louder meant you would drag me in front of a teacher and force me to explain myself, force me to give stupid excuses. You forced me to humiliate myself.

I knew I was unsafe in those moments, but I went to class because humiliation was not an option. I went to school those days, and I knew if someone shoved me I would let them. I knew if someone held a knife to my throat I wouldn't care, and I wouldn't beg for my life. I wouldn't yell for help when the knife broke skin because it wouldn't make a difference. My pain was inconvenient to you. My pain was stupid and irrational and stealing your precious time. My pain was causing you pain, and I needed to go away. I needed to disappear. I needed to stop being me and start being normal.

And you wonder why I kept things to myself until it was almost too late. You wonder why I spilled blood to train myself, punish myself, into being normal. You wonder why I spent hours researching how to make friends, what is friendship? How do I know if I'm friends with someone? Am I normal? I'm normal, right?

Maybe being undiagnosed was for the best. I can mask like a professional. I can make friends. I'm in college. I've won awards. Maybe being diagnosed would have held me back. Or maybe being diagnosed would have made me feel less alone, less scared, less confused.

I'll never know, and that tortures me. I'll never know if I could have been less broken or if I would be the same. Maybe ABA therapy would have been worse. Maybe I would have learned the hard lessons at an earlier age. Maybe I would have been forced to mask more quickly. Maybe I would be even more broken than I already am.

But I'll never know. Maybe in those terrible moments, someone would have understood me, or at least made an attempt to understand. Maybe I wouldn't have been forced to explain why I was quitting when I didn't have the words to explain my brain. I at least would have had the words, "I'm autistic."

In those moments, I had nothing.

So many maybes and no answers.

Will I be a failure? Was I doomed to fail the moment I was born? Was I destined to succeed? Destiny doesn't exist. Does it exist?

Why didn't you see me? Why don't you see me?

Look at me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tws: csa, cocsa, suicidal ideation, self-blame, intrusive self harm thoughts hi mods, please call me xueyi i'm returning for some advice i was SA'd by my brother growing up & recently i think some behaviors might be due to those experiences but i'm not sure, and i just wanted to know a second opinion on it, not necessarily a professional one i think one of the hardest parts is trying to acknowledge the SA could very well have been trauma since i'm not professionally diagnosed and can't afford therapy. i constantly think that i "enjoyed" it and let him do it to me so it can't count as trauma & i only try to think of it as such because i somehow want to think i'm a victim? another thing has increased a little over the months or maybe even a year or more, i've noticed that sometimes if things don't go right my first thought can sometimes be "i should just off myself" even when it's something very minor. for the record, i don't intend to do anything risky with my life at all under no circumstances, i don't have the guts for that. but it's intriguing to me because this was not the case with me over a year or two ago. i know that's a long time, but it's seeming to be more recurring lately. for example, say i get a bad grade, do something embarrassing, i'm sure it isn't normal for my first thought to be damn i should just die. i also might see a scissor in the kitchen & randomly think what if i sliced my wrist with it, or if i hurt myself with a razor, so on. i won't act on it, but i don't keep the tools away from me either. the tools don't disturb me, the thoughts do to be accurate. can it have any link to me being SA'd? that's all i wanted to ask. have a good day

Hi xuey,

I'm so sorry about what you went through.

The thing about trauma is that we all have different psychological reactions to certain events, which is why trauma cannot be objectively quantified by the incident, but rather by how traumatized you became. So while something like SA may not result in trauma, it most certainly can, and does for many people (myself included).

If you're unsure whether or not you feel traumatized by this, I find it helpful, as someone with PTSD, to take note of how much space this takes up in your mind, body, and day-to-day life. If it bothers you to think about, if you think about it often, if you find yourself thinking about it even when you don't want to, if it evokes strong emotional responses or induces a feeling of numbness and dissociation, these are all signs that you may be dealing with trauma.

It sounds like you may be dealing with some internalized victim-blaming, wherein you tell yourself that you liked it or deserved it in some way. As someone who has dealt with (and on some level continues to deal with) this, I find it insightful to imagine your situation vicariously. Imagine that someone you love came to you and explained that they went through everything that happened to you. Would you tell them that they must've liked it, or that they let it happen so they don't have the right to feel traumatized by it? If your answer is no, now consider that this hypothetical person is you. You deserve to be treated with as much kindness as you would treat another survivor.

It's also possible that you may be dealing with some intrusive thoughts about self-harming. Some people who experience Harm OCD may resonate with this, although it doesn't necessarily mean that you are dealing with OCD. Either way, it's possible that your trauma may be related, and it's essential to take these thoughts seriously, even if you don't have immediate plans to act on them. They could be signs that you may need additional support.

It can be really hard to consider that you have trauma, and it's definitely not easy to take that first step in exploring the possibilities and opening yourself up to the chance that this is trauma for you. It can be intimidating simply to acknowledge trauma, just as it is understandably intimidating to move past the first stage of grief. There are all sorts of implications and consequences to living with trauma, and it's valid to feel scared by that. But at the same time, for your own mental health and wellbeing, it's important to begin the process of healing.

Ultimately, healing is done best with the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist. Just as you would go to the doctor and get a cast to heal properly, therapy can help make sure everything is in place to ensure that you recover comfortably. But it's worth mentioning that unlike the doctor, a therapist is a tool for you to help yourself.

Please know that healing takes time, and you deserve support and care as you navigate your healing journey. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

07/07/24

Part 2

In terms of house dynamics, things are not easy. The good staff are leaving, including my favourite night staff who left a week or so ago. Management continue to make strange decisions. One being that they are "concerned" with my weight loss so I can't make my own breakfasts with supervision, yet I can go for a 3 day pass even though I'm more likely to struggle on my own... Even support workers don't understand and have made comments to management, only for them to be shut down. It really is infuriating.

Management asked me if I could go to the other residential unit for EDs, but my friend passed away under their care and another young woman I know whose gone there is already very poorly, yet they seem to do nothing about it... very bizarre, but even more sad! Safe to say I won't be going there.

The service manager was a little better with me on Friday, yet she told me to put my "big girl pants on" and get several items of food from a shop. She doesn't understand how agonizingly difficult that is. I can go to a store to get household things or toiletries, but food is completely different story and I am both ashamed and frustrated at myself as it is. It really isn't a case of being brave. I've done cliff jumping, white water rafting and jumped stupidly high walls on a horse. I was brave (or stupid!) when I did those... this is different.

As for other residents... well there's a new young woman who barely eats and I'm guessing will be sent back to hospital soon, the two older women mostly do their own thing and then the 27 year old is having a manic episode, making her at risk of a big comedown (she's diagnosed with bipolar). She's constantly high risk of putting herself in danger (not self- harm as such, more doing impulsive things when manic and when depressed, more serious self- harm), yet management think they can support her, but they can't support me?

I go through a few months (usually in the winter but not always) where my mood is severely low BUT it can be supported in the community with the right support. They did nothing to support me, yet say I'm too high risk for their service and they can't support someone with severe depression.

It seems bizarre that I'm being kicked out when I've not done anything "wrong". I've followed the programme, managed to maintain within my band (obviously not recently) and was making slow steady progress. Even support workers don't understand it and think it's a stupid decision. I spoke to one I get on particularly well with about it a few nights ago and she cried with me at the unfairness. I want to learn to manage, I need their help to do so, yet they're kicking me out anyway.

The nurse there thinks it's because my home team are kicking up a fuss that they're not supporting me. But they haven't been. Surely, that's not the reason to kick someone out?! I'm just done with it.

Hopefully this week I'll get some answers about a new home I can go to!

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 1

DISCLAIMER: I want to lay out at the start of this post that, while it has to do with dieting, food, weight loss, and exercise, I do not have a diagnosed eating disorder, am not eating 1200 or fewer calories a day, and am not peddling some diet regimen. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say in this or future posts should in any way be considered medical advice. I'm just a dude out here tryna be healthier.

Hello to anyone who stumbles across this post. I am now going to be actively using this blog that I've had for, like, a billion years. I know I've said this multiple times in the past and have never followed through, but I've been "going through some shit"™ and have become much better at developing and cultivating habits to the degree that I stick with them. The habit I'm trying to cultivate, at this point, is getting back into writing, something I've always been passionate about and loved doing but have never really attempted to pursue in earnest, either due to self-doubt or laziness. I'm unsure which of those two is more powerful in my psyche, to be honest. To that end, what better place to write something, no matter how small or large, every day until writing some number of words becomes a habit than a blog where I can just put snippets about something ELSE that I do every day until I start doing it forever? Ain't that grand? See below the cut if you'd like. Otherwise, happy scrolling!

The thing I'll be documenting is the continuation of a journey that I started a year ago after a visit to the doctor wherein some rough stuff came to light. Just for the record, I'm going to be candid about a lot of the things that are going on regarding my current state of health and being. I don't shy away from sharing things about myself as I don't really embarrass easily. Obviously, these will be within reason. Posts will be tagged appropriately to make sure that, when things get particularly gnarly, which they might, those who wish to shield themselves from those things can do so. As I've never really used this webbed site to it's (omegalul) full potential, my tagging may be rudimentary at best, so I'm counting on being corrected and sitting my white ass down and learning, so if something slips through the cracks please be sure to let me know.

With that preamble out of the way, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this entry.

One year ago, roughly around mid-year, I noticed that my legs and feet just began swelling constantly, some days to the point of actual pain, not just discomfort. Anytime they were pressed against something, indentations were left on my skin and to squeeze them with one's fingers was to feel something akin to a latex bag filled with sand. It was exacerbated to an unbearable degree any time I had alcohol which, back in those days, was near constantly and at considerable volume given how large I was. In order to actually become comfortably buzzed, I would need to consume probably 2-3 cocktails or 3-4 beers. To become fully drunk, namely something reserved for parties, I would probably need to have consumed 3-4 cocktails or 4-5 beers at minimum due to my size, sitting comfortably around 320 pounds. I was drinking, on average, conservatively, 3-4 drinks a night during the week and at parties probably averaged 6 beers and/or liquor (either straight or in cocktails). Coupled with my inherent love of snacking, any given "normal day", however we're defining that, would be around 3.5-4.5k caloric intake. On spike days, like a party on Saturday or Holidays, this would most likely have easily exceeded 5k. Concern from both my wife and myself (mostly my wife) prompted me to go see a doctor, as the insurance from my new job was a huge upgrade from the hourly job I'd had before it. I had also not been to a doctor since I had been kicked off my parents insurance at 26. I was 31 at the time.

The doctor's visit revealed a slew of issues that, given my lifestyle up to that point, should not have been surprising in any way. Most notable were a slightly fatty liver (not enough for a diagnosis of Fatty Liver Syndrome, but still), dangerously low potassium levels, and high blood pressure, for which I was put on at least 3 medications. The leg and feet swelling was attributed to something called Venous Reflux, a condition in which the Greater Saphenous Vein in the leg cannot bring blood from the lower extremities back to the heart fast enough and it just sort of pools in the feet, eventually swelling up through a decent portion of the leg. One of the more notable parts of the conversation was my weight. I had tried two forms of dieting in the past: 2 rudimentary and half-hearted calorie counts and a brush with intermittent fasting. With both, I was stupid and impatient waiting for near instant results and when the holidays rolled around and everything fell apart, I gave up each time around New Years. Neither had stuck and I assumed I was just not built to handle that kind of commitment. When my doctor mentioned keeping a calorie diary at this visit, I slumped a bit thinking about the previous times I had tried and failed to keep to something like that, but figured I had to give it a shot. The alternative was medication for weight loss and I, then and now, didn't want to be on medication possibly for the rest of my life if I could help it. In that moment, I decided to give it a try naturally and this time, hopefully, stick to it. I re-downloaded the Cronometer app onto my phone and, starting the next day, began documenting what I ate, even just to see what a day looked like at the time. That one doctor's visit changed my life to a degree that I'll never take for granted and set me on my current course - something that I believe has saved my life.

I'll cut the story here for now, as this post is already too long. Tomorrow's entry will continue from this point as mostly a lore dump and catch-up for anyone who hasn't heard all of this yet. Thanks for reading if you did and I'll see you tomorrow for the next one. After three months of this crap you'll all be tired of it but, hey, I'll have a new habit formed and then who's the winner?

Me.

[afacetedgem]

Found this old median ask meme from a few years ago while looking through random older blogs for info on median systems. Decided to fill it out more like a questionnaire to try to... work things out. Reminder that not all questions may apply to (all or some of) you, so answering N/A is super valid! Headmates/aspects/personalities/facets/etc. will be referred to as “parts” here.  1. Is anyone fronting right now? If so who?

Mila/Quartz hybrid

2. How many parts do you have?

Uhhh no idea. Not sure if it's a lot (like hundreds+) or if it's just a few that are constantly shifting and changing

3. What is/are your name(s)?

Mila, Quartz, and Mia have names. Quartz is like the "default" self. Mila is the teen. Mia is the little. That's moreso how I can easily translate it to the external world then how it actually is internally. We're kind of just sorting it by age right now.

4. What is/are your age(s)?

Quartz is 29, our chronological age, but sometimes feels more early 20s. Mila is around 13-18 but usually 15. Mia is like... anywhere from 2-12.

5. What is/are your gender(s)?

Mia and Mila mostly use she/her and Quartz is more they/them but is okay with she/her. But we do not actually care what pronouns are used. Gender itself... tend to say genderqueer woman but it's confusing.

6. What is/are your sexuality(ies)?

Quartz - queer. Mila - queer or bi. Mia - n/a.

7. What is the relationship between your parts?

Don't know how to describe

8. Do you ever find all/none parts fronting at the same time/feel “whole”/can’t tell who is fronting?

I wouldn't say all front at once. Can never tell for sure what's going on.

9. Would your parts share partners?

Mia doesn't want a partner. Mila would only date another facet in a median system the same age as her who is bodily over 25. It's a very specific unlikely situation and not a priority. Quartz wants a partner and all parts within Quartz would date together.

10. What triggers (happy or otherwise) bring out your parts?

Fatigue, stress, bad stuff happening can bring out Mila or Mia. Or if something they like is around.

11. Do you feel like your parts adhere to typical roles?

Not really I don't think.

12. Do you consider yourself an endo system, a trauma system, both, or neither?

Traumagenic. We understood ourselves as faceted due to trauma specifically long before having the language for it.

13. Have you been diagnosed with/think you have some sort of mental illness that relates?

CPTSD would be the main one. I'm autistic but idk how it'd relate here, other then being abused for it. ADHD can cause memory issues and interests that change a lot and I think dissociation and ADHD are both causing those things to happen at the same time, making it worse.

I haven't been diagnosed with but experience DPDR constantly. I have considered ADHD, DPDR, and BPD as possible explanations for my experiences. However multiple professionals have said I definetely do not have BPD (as I only have identity issues and dissociation, not the other symptoms) and neither ADHD or DPDR together or in combination seems to be a complete explanation.

I suspect I may have OSDD-1a, but I guess it could be DID and I'm not aware of the more distinct alters. I feel like I would have noticed them by now? IDK. I forget things a LOT but I've never been sure what the normal amount to forget stuff is so IDK if I have enough amnesia for OSDD-1a, but definetely not distinct enough for OSDD-1b. IDK what people who are not distinct enough for 1b but don't have enough amnesia for 1a but who obviously have issues related to dissociation get diagnosed with. UDD?

14. Do you consider yourself/yourselves “a system” or as “having multiplicity/being multiple” or do you feel closer to a singlet?

IDK. I use different terms to describe myself at different times. I usually use singular pronouns out of habit even though it doesn't feel right.

15. How much control do you feel like you have over your parts?

I can't tell. Sometimes I feel like my body does stuff without me but idk if it's regular losing control due to emotions or someone else doing things.

16. Are your parts you?

Yes they are all parts of me, dissociated to a greater or lesser extent.

17. What’s the funniest switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

18. What’s the worst switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

19. Can you control switching/who is fronting?

A little. I can bring out Mila or Mia more if an activity they enjoy is available.

20. Do you have a “host” or “core” part?

Quartz is like a default state and I can always access "adultness" if needed

21. If you’re comfortable sharing, why do you think you are median/a median system?

It's the closest term I've found to how my mind works. Understanding myself as median feels better then forcing myself into a singlet identity, as the cognitive dissonance becomes really distressing.

22. What’s been the hardest thing for your parts to agree on?

lol everything I guess

23. Have you ever had to change what you’re doing or wearing or eating or listening to because you’ve switched?

Had to? no. I just wanted to.

24. Describe your parts.

Might have to come back to this one

25. Do you consider yourself m-spec or multigender on a whole if any of your parts have different sexualities/genders? Or do you prefer to treat each part as it’s own separate and not use umbrella labels for you all?

I don't really know. We all have the same gender just understand it in different ways I think.

26. What is each part’s favorite _____?

This one is broad might come back to it.

27. Do you feel welcome in system spaces?

As a whole, not really no. Especially because of my age. Everyone is so much younger. I'm sure there are a lot of 25+ systems out there but the spaces for them I've come across tend to be more DID-focused. I'm in a discord server dedicated to CDDs that I feel welcome in, and another more dedicated to mental health as a whole with a multiplicity channel that I like.

28. Were you ever a singlet/do you think you will ever be a singlet again?

I don't know. I first felt faceted at 15, but I think I was prior to that. I don't really want to be a singlet but I would feel more comfortable if I could have less but more distinct facets so I know who I am.

29. What’s the biggest misconception people have about (all of) you?

That we're singlet I guess. I've told very few people.

30. Free question, but please be respectful!

N/A since I'm not doing it as an ask meme.

People who clown on this post will be blocked.

[bandofchimeras]

This was a nice start. I am not so sure about using PDA anymore although it is a label that fits. The thing is that autonomy is less the central issue than it seems. I have realized that it's a natural desire for most neurodivergent people to do things "our own" way often because the standard way does not work well for our minds and bodies. This is not organized around the axis of autonomy and demand, but ability.

Since this post I have learned a bit about Nonverbal Learning Disorder, a processing difference that kind of piles together dyscalculia, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and general difficulty with maps, charts, etc that looks a lot like both ADHD and autism. This is not to rule those diagnoses out but learning about it gave me a big bone to chew on: what if a kid had an undiagnosed say, vision disability, and they were compensating for it in a way that mimicked ADHD (distraction, constantly moving from task to task , being startled and looking around), with a different causation?

Trauma can also cause or worsen ADHD symptoms such as memory loss, short term memory shortening, distractibility, emotional dysregulation.

That's what could be going on here. I'm not sure what processing things are different but some of them especially after getting Long COVID, mimick dementia as well. I do still think ADHD fits, as time does not and refuses to make any sense to my mind, which goes by quality of light, sound, environment rather than an internal ,"clock" of any sort.

But the fun thing about all this has been reframing it as "poet brain."

If Cezanne could romanticize, study and utilize his failing eyesight to capture the warmth glow the world took on as his cataracts grew, how much more could we be attending to our various disabilities as perspective differences!

Not without their cost, or suffering, but - the more I think about this the more it resonates.

Anyways, today was nice because I thought to myself "I Am Slow" without that characteristic stab of pain and self loathing that usually accompanies it. Due to abuse.

I am Slow and full of Ideas, lacking much ability to bring things into reality AND manage everyday life. Perhaps that is the beauty of this existence, this particular one.

fuck it

i'm following a bunch of PDA blogs or blogs with people who have posts in the PDA autism tag. if that's you, hi! we can chat if you'd like, there isn't much of a community around this diagnosis (for kind of obvious reasons)

i'm tired of feeling so much shame and self-hatred around my disability and its effects, i am tired of masking and pretending to understand and engage with media/interests the same way as non-PDA people do, and i am tired of trying not to talk about the struggles of everyday life out of worry that it will drive people away

deciding to accept this part of myself for real is fucking scary and irritating. PDA is highly debilitating, although there are tricks and ways around our blockages.

i don't see many PDA people who are successful in a traditional sense. embracing this label in some ways feeling like giving up on all my dreams. but maybe that's okay - all those dreams and expectations were empty demands anyways. built for someone who isn't Me.

getting to the business of living in this body, this mind, and this Self is the only thing i really CAN do anyhow. with plenty of griping of course. as i find tips and tricks to navigate life with whatever-the-fuck-all is going on up there (I am stuck in the mire of navigating health systems to get an official diagnosis of ANY kind, but my suspicion is AuDHD, OCD/OCPD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, anxiety and BPD or cPTSD, possibly schizoaffective) I will share those out. Most of my real life friends, which are few, are schizoaffective, bipolar, autistic and/or ADHD! not just from TikTok lol. as it is, i don't want to be totally defined by my disorders, but they are a huge part of why my life is the way it is (a disaster with glitter and lots of detritus from unstarted hobbies). I am determined to be more confident and start building on my strengths and skills instead of trying to be something i am not anymore.

welcome :)

[aspd-culture]

Hi all, welcome to ASPD-Culture. You can find the DSM-V TR's diagnostic criteria for ASPD at the bottom of this post.

Here's how it works! You can use asks or submissions (on or off anon, asks allow for anon while submissions don't for those who don't know), to submit things you either are struggling with as someone with ASPD, or that you think others with ASPD would find relatable. These can be serious, meme-y, or somewhere in-between. It's ok if it applies to other disorders too, as long as it relates to antisocial personality disorder/the symptoms and associated traits of ASPD.

Send as many ask you like, I am not afraid of a full inbox. Do not feel like you're bugging me; I thrive on the attention and validation of the inbox full of asks. 😈

I welcome questions, vents, confessions, and personal submissions as well as more general ones! I cannot accept anything that would cause anyone legal trouble to say anonymously or otherwise, and please no names unless they are fictional/celebrities; you can use the first letter if you want tho!

Please note that fakeclaiming/ableism against "edgy teens" is not welcome here. This blog is pro well-researched self dx, and is not interested in guessing who may/may not be faking. Submissions will be taken in the good-faith assumption that you are being legitimate.

That said, ableist submissions will be removed and not posted. Waste your time if you want, *shrug*. Also, this blog is not the place for nt people or people with other disorders to complain about ASPD, though they *are* welcome to submit questions/asks in good faith as long as you aren't complaining about pwASPD or intentionally being ableist. If you aren't sure if something is ableist, you're welcome to ask my opinion on that, though I'm only one pwASPD so I'm not an authority. People with ASPD are welcome to vent frustrations about their own disorder, as well as how having ASPD may cause conflict with others with this/other disorders and/or frustrations about dealing with pwoASPD as someone who has it. We have to mask our frustrations with prosocials everywhere else in life - please feel free to be open about them here. Prosocials please try not to feel attacked by these, they're just vents likely being used to make sure we don't say anything hurtful irl.

Being that ASPD can have violent thoughts as a symptom, non-targetted posts about violent thoughts are ok, and will be posted with appropriate tws. If I miss any tw, please let me know and I will add it asap. Because of this, you don't need to add tws in the submissions unless you want to. That said, please be aware of the type of text-based content you may see on this blog. It's ok to block, unfollow, etc if you need to. Words like ps**hopath and soc**path may or may not be censored, but they will be tw tagged (tw psychopath and tw sociopath respectively, as well as tw aspd stigma), so if you reclaim those terms that's ok, but be aware I will tw them.

I think that about sums it up! Ask/submit away!

A quick shoutout - I was inspired by @cluster-b-culture-is because I love their content, but I found myself wishing there was one just for ASPD especially with the recent rise of acceptance for BPD but not the other cluster b's (to be clear tho, cluster-b-culture-is does not support stigma against any sort of elitism within the community, and is a great blog that you should follow if you like their content!).

Edit: Here is the diagnostic criteria for ASPD as of the most current DSM (DSM-V TR), quoted directly. Please note there are diagnostic features, development "criteria" (things that cause the disorder to develop), and presentation/associated features to think about as well. You cannot diagnose solely off of having 3/7 of the following criteria, but 3/7 is all you need in combination with meeting the other stuff to have ASPD. This should help steer away ableist additions that people constantly try to make to the criteria.

Plain text below the cut:

Hi all, welcome to ASPD-Culture. You can find the DSM-V TR's diagnostic criteria for ASPD at the bottom of this post.

Here's how it works! You can use asks or submissions (on or off anon, asks allow for anon while submissions don't for those who don't know), to submit things you either are struggling with as someone with ASPD, or that you think others with ASPD would find relatable. These can be serious, meme-y, or somewhere in-between. It's ok if it applies to other disorders too, as long as it relates to antisocial personality disorder/the symptoms and associated traits of ASPD.

Send as many ask you like, I am not afraid of a full inbox. Do not feel like you're bugging me; I thrive on the attention and validation of the inbox full of asks. [Smiling devil face emoji]

I welcome questions, vents, confessions, and personal submissions as well as more general ones! I cannot accept anything that would cause anyone legal trouble to say anonymously or otherwise, and please no names unless they are fictional/celebrities; you can use the first letter if you want tho!

Please note that fakeclaiming/ableism against "edgy teens" is not welcome here. This blog is pro well-researched self dx, and is not interested in guessing who may/may not be faking. Submissions will be taken in the good-faith assumption that you are being legitimate.

That said, ableist submissions will be removed and not posted. Waste your time if you want, *shrug*. Also, this blog is not the place for nt people or people with other disorders to complain about ASPD, though they *are* welcome to submit questions/asks in good faith as long as you aren't complaining about pwASPD or intentionally being ableist. If you aren't sure if something is ableist, you're welcome to ask my opinion on that, though I'm only one pwASPD so I'm not an authority. People with ASPD are welcome to vent frustrations about their own disorder, as well as how having ASPD may cause conflict with others with this/other disorders and/or frustrations about dealing with pwoASPD as someone who has it. We have to mask our frustrations with prosocials everywhere else in life - please feel free to be open about them here. Prosocials please try not to feel attacked by these, they're just vents likely being used to make sure we don't say anything hurtful irl.

Being that ASPD can have violent thoughts as a symptom, non-targetted posts about violent thoughts are ok, and will be posted with appropriate tws. If I miss any tw, please let me know and I will add it asap. Because of this, you don't need to add tws in the submissions unless you want to. That said, please be aware of the type of text-based content you may see on this blog. It's ok to block, unfollow, etc if you need to. Words like ps**hopath and soc**path may or may not be censored, but they will be tw tagged (tw psychopath and tw sociopath respectively, as well as tw aspd stigma), so if you reclaim those terms that's ok, but be aware I will tw them.

I think that about sums it up! Ask/submit away!

A quick shoutout - I was inspired by cluster-b-culture-is because I love their content, but I found myself wishing there was one just for ASPD especially with the recent rise of acceptance for BPD but not the other cluster b's (to be clear tho, cluster-b-culture-is does not support stigma against any sort of elitism within the community, and is a great blog that you should follow if you like their content!).

Edit: Here is the diagnostic criteria for ASPD as of the most current DSM (DSM-V TR), quoted directly. Please note there are diagnostic features, development "criteria" (things that cause the disorder to develop), and presentation/associated features to think about as well. You cannot diagnose solely off of having 3/7 of the following criteria, but 3/7 is all you need in combination with meeting the other stuff to have ASPD. This should help steer away ableist additions that people constantly try to make to the criteria.

[Transcription of the image included] A screenshot of the Diagnostic Criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder (code F60.2) quoted directly out of the DSM-V TR.

Criterion A.) A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occuring since age 15 years as indicated by 3 (or more) of the following.

Subcriterion 1.) Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.

Subcriterion 2.) Deceitulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.

Subcriterion 3.) Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead.

Subcriterion 4.) Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights and assaults.

Subcriterion 5.) Reckless disregard for safety of self or others.

Subcriterion 6.) Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.

Subcriterion 7.) Lack of remors, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Criterion B.) The individual is at least age 18 years.

Criterion C.) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.

Criterion D.) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. [End transcription of image]

[lnkedmyheart]

So today we're talking about a few things related to Yuumori's writing. Now, I am doing this as a -ahem- gender fluid lesbian on the ace spectrum diagnosed with a severe anxiety and depressive disorder. I am also someone who has been analysing media and studying queer representation in media for my PhD dissertation and have already written an entire dissertation on queer rep in conservative cultures. So I do believe I'm qualified enough to debunk some bullshit takes that people tote around like facts instead of opinions and attempt to force down everyone's throats and then bitch about the lack of admiration they get from the crowd. I am however not going to put in too much effort into this because my GOD I don't care enough but the sheer misinfo some of you people spread is mind boggling.

So let's start!

YuuMori has bad queer representation.

YuuMori's queer rep is a ridiculous thing to get mad at. For starters the series is Japanese, set in 1800s London, a place where being queer was pretty much punishable by death. Now if the story was explicitly labelled as a forbidden victorian gay romance I could see why people expect there to be massive queer rep at all. However, at no point in the main manga has Sherlock's previous statement of "I have no interest in women" been challenged. Sherlock has consistently only shown visual and behavioral cues implying a crush towards William, his 2 closest relationships are both with men (Liam and Watson) and his interaction with Bond is still the same as before with him being uncomfortable when he clings to him or him showing his fondness of Bond just as he does with Miss Hudson.

If you wish to insist a throwaway line about him being unable to forget Adler (a reference to the Doyle canon where it also wasn't romantic) is romantic then I do think there are more than enough lines he says about both John and Liam with far more intensity and passion that hint towards affection and should therefore also be taken as romantic since that's the narrative hill we are dying on.

YuuMori has terrible trans representation.

The trans representation in YuuMori is bad because...? Well here's the deal, the two random lines that are brought up to insist that the trans thing is fake are both lines that people have criticised the translation of. And yes, both those lines in the main manga are lines that don't necessarily mean just the trans identity. Hell it's honestly a stretch to use those lines as proof since the whole idea behind said lines is "what is my role in Liam's plan" and Bond learning that his role is defined by his own self and choosing. The whole deal was Moran telling him to stop acting like Bond needed to be guided and told what to do and be genuine and Bond immediately chose to embrace his masculine side, never once going back to his old name or pronouns. Furthermore the very idea that Adler should cease to exist in people's memory just because Bond is a person now or that Bond cannot be trans without dysphoria is such absolute horse shit because not everyone suffers from dysphoria the same way. Some never go through dysphoria and instead realise that they just feel better and more true to themselves when they dress up a certain way. A large number of cosplayers realise they are genderfluid, nb or trans because they realise they much prefer dressing up as the opposite gender. You cannot put trans or gender based experiences into a neat little box and gatekeep it. Furthermore, there is no way that YuuMori isn't following the trans narrative, sure you can chose to ignore the glaring hints dropped every where like Sherlock and Watson discussing how Adler's writing is masculine (no matter how great an actor, Adler couldn't have changed her entire hand writing to fit that of a man enough to fool Sherlock), Adler constantly choosing to disguise as a man, Adler not feeling like she fit into the world right, Adler immediately choosing to become a dude, not just any dude but James Bond, the ideal of traditional masculinity. But you cannot ignore the explicitly trans discourse regarding changing rooms. So no, the trans rep in the series is actually rather good all things considered. Just the fact that a few translations can read a little differently and there is a whole horde of people using those vague translations as proof of Adler's cis-ness makes no real difference to how well it is handled. Sure the Irene came back point seems to have blinded everyone with rage so thoroughly that they completely skipped the parts constantly remarking Penny's hardships with playing a man because she is a woman unlike Bond or Bond's complete insistence at being refered to as Bond when he's in a dress. And I've seen a lot of people calling Bond's depressed expression happy and I'm so sorry but how is that HAPPY??? And why is everyone calling him Bond or a he/him in private where no one can see him go back to Irene?

YuuMori is using queerbait and bl tropes for marketing.

Queerbait is when audiences are baited into thinking there is something queer going on in the series so as to get them to spend money on it and then never giving them actual rep. James Fucking Bond is an actual character in this series. No Bond can never confirm if he's trans or non binary or gender fluid simply because those terms do not exist in this era. On the other hand, if we're talking about Sherliam then again no, Sherliam isn't even remotely queerbait. They are first and foremost friends, they have actual romantic tropes attached to them but are never hyper sexualised or put into uncomfortable yaoi dynamics or situations. You are supposed to be reading subtext in their friendship and no YuuMori cannot fully confirm them as a gay couple without risking their slot in the magazine or censorship. Again, Japanese artists need to work around censorship far more than western writers and choose to fall back on other cues, tropes and means of providing romantic subtext. And bl...seriously just because a series that is non romantic has a non het dynamic that borders on romantic doesn't mean it's bl or is using bl tropes. Sherliam are literally using het couple tropes, have parallels with a canonical het couple in the series while also retaining the essence of how a lot of queer people interact with a heavy helping of victorian era flirting.

YuuMori has extremely weak characters.

YuuMori has rather strong characters, no not all characters grow but the world around them does. A character doesn't HAVE to grow themselves as long as they make the world grow around them. YuuMori has struck a nice balance between these two types of development where it stalls some development for characters till it is necessary abd therefore doesn't take attention away from the issue at hand. That is a way of avoiding overwriting which can detract from the main story and narration. For starters the world shifts around the Moriarty brothers. They do successfully spark a massive change in the world around them by staying practically stagnant because had they changed dramatically their entire arc would have fallen flat. The 2 characters with the most individual growth is Sherlock, who grows to accept people and realise their worth and Liam who realises that people will not constantly follow his every whim especially when it involves him killing himself over it. Every character in the series has grown, Moran, Moneypenny, Moriarty brothers, Mycroft etc. So no, characters aren't the weakest point of the series, especially when you realise that the majority of the fandom seems to not dislike anyone in the recurring cast all that much.

YuuMori has no foreshadowing and has bad writing.

Untrue. YuuMori had several instances of foreshadowing throughout it's course. A lot of the character interactions can in fact be seen in a different light when you go back to them after certain key events. Sherlock's interactions with Adler foreshadow his eventual transition into Bond. A lot of conversations between the Moriarty gang foreshadow events that happen in the final problem, chapter 31 Durham date is literally just a pile of foreshadowing disguised as an adorable friendly date. Secondly, YuuMori has pretty strong and tight knit writing. Not only does it seamlessly create new stories out of original stories from the Doyle canon but it also switches up things to both fit into the new version while staying true in its essence of the Doyle canon. Oh and let's not forget how strong the development is, every relationship is expanded upon well enough to justify how certain deep bonds work.

YuuMori has no development between Sherlock and Liam.

Okay now this is just bs or anime only talk but the fact that that angry person keeps insisting that manga sherliam have no development either throws me for a loop. Seriously William's letter basically spells out why they are both so attached to each other and chapter 31 is literally those two growing even more fond of each other. Seriously, how is Sherlock knowing Adler for 1.5 days during which he was irritated with her for 80% of the time enough to be seen as endgame while Sherlock openly admiring and travelling 10 hours just so he can visit Liam "anytime he wants" not enough development to justify his attachment?

YuuMori glamorizes mental illness.

No. Just no. None of the Moriarty brothers are mentally stable, Albert's ocd variant is genuinely terrifying but not because it makes him evil but rather because of how much it breaks the mind of a child when left untreated. William's depression has left him emotionally stunted and incapable of seeing any value in his existence, Louis clearly suffers from some kind of anxiety variant which leads to him constantly feeling like he is never enough for his brothers. Moran's PTSD is never mocked or misrepresented, Sherlock's canonically neurodivergent traits have not been erased even if he's been made slightly more personable (yes neurodivergent people can be personable, they're not all extreme loners).

At no point are you made to believe that Albert's desperate need to clean everything is quirky, or Liam's suicidal tendencies are cool and fun. That's just a really bad take of someone scraping the bottom of the barrel for something to hate on.

YuuMori glamorizes terrorism and martyrdom.

I mean...Moriarty is literally a villain protagonist? He's a literal terrorist?? Nobody (with two functioning braincells) that I've talked to about YuuMori has ever felt that we are supposed to like Moriarty's actions at any point. We are supposed to agree with his beliefs and feel for him but not agree with his method. We are supposed to root for Sherlock, his adversary, which we actually do. We aren't cheering on a terrorist, we are cheering on a good guy murdering absolute scum that hunt kids for fun and actively torture the weak. Remove the nationalistic aspect and people would be raving about how good Moriarty is. As for glamorizing martyrdom...again, nobody in the series is an actual martyr for their country. They are all willing to die for the people, Liam sees no worth in his existence outside of helping the weak finally find equality, Albert sees no value in his existence, Moran has lost all purpose and latches onto the ideals of a child because of how his mind was broken from his own people betraying his trust. Sherlock has no intentions of being a martyr. There's no glamorization of martyrdom at any point in the story. At no point does anyone say "I will die for my country" and is praised for it.

Last but not the least, just because you are queer, doesn't mean you aren't an asshole. If you're going to sit on your imaginary high horse and spout nonsense actively calling other queer people delusional fake fetishists because they like a headcanon/ship you don't you're kind of a jackass and probably need to rethink your argument entirely. If you think the majority of the fandom is delusional because they read the very blatant subtext in their own way instead of your own then you need to step away from your device and touch some grass. If you are going to sit there and actively negate the experiences of millions of queer people or people with psychological disorders because they like a ship or show or headcanon you hate then you can't really pull the "I'm queer too" card. And stop calling the fandom jokes attacks. If shippers of the pairing or headcanon call insanely aggressive antis who insist on using main tags to talk shit about the ship or headcanon and insistently tell LGBT folk we are dirty lustful people for being gay on several platforms, they are refering to those assholes. If you're not the one doing such things people aren't talking about you.