#but I am just trying to be proud of my good time and for getting an undeniable PR
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Detective Work on the Other Side
We getting into my own HCs now, enjoy the lore!
Sleep King Master post (it should actually work this time)
---
It felt weird sitting in the Specter Speeder as Phantom with his parents. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d finally told his parents himself, but just like Jazz had said they’d loved and accepted him as is. Danny was still getting used to it.
Danny pointed out the windshield, “That island there should be good.” It was little more than an oversized boulder with some grass on it, but it was big enough for the speeder and was pretty close to Johnny and Kitty’s lair, so it would do. Once they landed, the three Fentons disembarked so Danny could let the lovers out of Soup Time.
“Ugh, finally!” Johnny griped once they were set free.
Danny crossed his arms, “How do you keep getting into Amity? We put extra protections on the portal, no one should be able to get through.”
“Your dinky portal isn’t the only one in the whole world,” Kitty said with an eye roll.
“You just gotta know where to look,” Johnny added with a wink.
“Well stop it! I don’t want to have to repeat a grade!”
“Then stop chasing us. Jeez, no one’s forcing you.”
“Danny, sweetie,” Mom interrupted, “ask them about the summoning.”
“Summoning?” Kitty asked, perking up.
“It’s really concerning,” Dad said while scratching his head.
“Yeah, I was asleep so I don’t really remember it but I got summoned last night.”
“How’d you sleep through a summoning?” Kitty asked incredulously with a sneer.
Johnny just nodded, “Damn, wish I could sleep through a summoning.”
“I don’t know!” Danny threw his hands up in the air. “The really weird part is they were trying to summon Pariah!”
That got Johnny and Kitty to stop laughing. “Oh shit, really?”
“Johnny! Don’t cuss around the baby!” Kitty smacked his arm lightly.
“You owe the swear jar,” Dad boomed eagerly.
Johnny just rolled his eyes.
“That’s what we were told,” Mom cut in. “There was a cult that was trying to summon the Ghost King and somehow got Danny.”
“Wait, were they trying to summon Pariah by name or the Ghost King title?” Kitty asked eagerly.
“Ghost King,” Mom said decisively.
“Oh no,” Danny said. His grades may be in the toilet, but even he could put two and two together. “No, there’s no way I’m the Ghost King!”
“Maybe,” Kitty said while looking Danny up and down.
“Not like it means anything,” Johnny said airily.
Danny thought the matter over, “How does it not mean anything?”
“Well Pariah just declared himself the Ghost King one day, others only listened because he forced them to. And it’s not like we need a king, we’ve had the council ever since.”
“Ugh, stupid eye balls,” Danny griped. “But yeah, if he just decided to make himself king I guess it doesn’t really mean anything.”
Mom sighed deeply, “You mean like Alexander the Great? Or Ghengis Khan? Or William the Conquerer? Or anyone else from history who declared himself in charge and then killed anyone who didn’t listen?”
Danny drooped, “Okay, so maybe it does matter. But how would that even work? Why am I the Ghost King now?”
“Dunno,” Johnny said with a shrug. “It’s not like you even have the crown or ring.”
“No, Pariah still has the ring and last I saw the crown Vlad had it.”
“Good old Vladdie,” Dad boomed eagerly, “holding onto a powerful artifact like that to keep it safe!”
“So shouldn’t Vlad be the new Ghost King?” Danny asked with a shudder.
“Well the summoning circle thinks you earned the title somehow, so I guess it’s you now.” Johnny snickered as he got on his bike, Kitty quickly hopping on behind him. “Anyway, see ya ‘round, your majesty.” Johnny sneered the last part, then the pair both laughed like Johnny had just told the best joke ever as he zoomed off.
“Well I’m proud of you!” Dad slapped Danny’s back so hard he face planted. “Fighting that nasty Ghost King was really brave of you, and look at you now! Our boy, the Ghost King!” Dad wiped away a tear of deep paternal pride.
Danny had already floated himself up off the ground and dusted himself off, completely unharmed. “Thanks Dad, that means a lot.” And it really did! He was used to his parents being proud of him, not for his grades obviously, but just… in general. Or something. To have his dad say he’s proud of things Danny did as Phantom just… hit different.
“Is there anyone we can ask about this? The council that ruffian mentioned?” Mom looked thoughtful.
“Ugh no, the council hates my guts for some reason.”
“Well… if they’ve been in charge since Pariah was put in the sarcophagus and you’re the king now, maybe they feel threatened?” Dad asked, rubbing his chin.
“That’s probably it, sweetiepie. They’re just threatened by you.” Mom gently pat his arm.
“That’s so weird! I don’t even want to be king, I’d probably be a terrible one anyway.”
Dad gasped, “Danno! That’s just not true! Sure, you’re a bit young to be king now, but in a few years I bet you’d be a great king!”
“Pass.” Danny did not want to add a crown to his disaster of a life. Especially if it meant he’d have to be a bully to make others listen to him anyway, it’s not like anyone listened to Pariah.
“So honey, anyone else we can ask about the Ghost King? Or summoning circles? I’m really worried about you randomly getting summoned by creepy cults.” And boy, did Mom have a point about that! Yikes!
“Uh… maybe Frostbite?” The yeti did keep calling him “Great One” and that had to mean something, right? And if not he could hopefully point them in the right direction.
“Wonderful!” Mom chirped as she started herding Danny back into the Speeder. “And along the way you can answer a few small questions about your fight with Pariah.”
“I’m sorry about taking the Ecto-skeleton without asking,” Danny blurted out, face turning green as it grew colder.
“It’s alright, baby boy,” Mom pinched his cheek, “we understand why you did it and why you felt you had to at the time. But never do it again, okay?”
“Yeah,” Danny said miserably as they got back into the speeder. Once Danny had pointed them in the direction of the Far Frozen, he sat criss cross applesauce in the air. “So uh… questions?”
“Oh yeah! What questions did you have, fudgecakes?”
“Well…” Mom started but hesitated before continuing slowly. “This sounds like it might be a right of conquest situation.”
Danny had no idea what that meant. Well he knew what the words individually meant, and he had a pretty good idea what the phrase meant generally, but he had no idea what the rules or details were.
“Was this an official challenge?” Mom asked when Danny only stared blankly at her.
“Uh… maybe?” Danny tried thinking back to the fight, “What would make it an official challenge?”
“Did the Ghost King say he accepted your challenge? Or challenge you?”
“He uh…” Danny tried to remember the times he’d bantered with Pariah. “He said he accepted my terms,” Danny said with a squeak near the end.
Mom just nodded, “Right, so it sounds like a challenge. And did you take his crown at any point in the fight?”
Danny tried to remember the end of the fight, and well… “Yeah, I knocked it off him right before shoving him back into the sarcophagus. But Vlad had the key that actually locked it, and then he had the crown the last time I saw it.”
“Danny, sweetie, Vlad didn’t challenge the Ghost King to single combat, and he didn’t take the crown as part of that challenge.”
“Oh,” was all Danny could say as the realization of what he’d unwittingly done sank in. “Well… shit.”
#danny phantom#dpxdc#dc comics#justice league#fanfic#nenna writes#sleepy king#he's not sleepy right now LOL#insert the rant from princess diaries here#just in case i wasn't enough of a freak let's add a crown!
189 notes
·
View notes
Text
zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh
#blllllaggggh busiest doggy everyday of my life and i am exhausted#ye beware of sadposting ahead. more like just need to get thoughts out of my headposting yk. im ok just tired#friend said to me today 'youre always doing something these days jasper when do you rest?'#and i was like huh good question! i dont hahaha. damn#which is not a bad thing always. but my plate is incredibly full and i have no one to help me#im in a really good place. things are happening that ive wanted to happen for years. but i have no time to take care of me#and the ppl who are supposed to take care of me dont. and they let me down everytime i try to ask for it. which im used to#but it doesnt make it any easier. theres just not enough hours in the day and not enough energy in my little doggy body#i used to be able to push myself past the wall of exhaustion. but after my therapy program ik i just can not do that anymore#im really proud of myself. being an adult is hard. im doing everything right. but i just wish i had someone by my side to help me#anyways.#i am a very good boy#yapping#if youre reading this hi im just venting im fine. its just been a long day and i want someone to give me a head massage#jasperbarks
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.
#i am so happy for the first time in my entire life#a consistent and true joyfulness#i am in love w my life#i want to stick around to see it#and i mean that w my entire being for the first time in my whole life#and to say that means confronting the first 24 years of my life where that wasn’t true#where i was miserable and heartbroken and unkind and dishonest and cruel#and i didn’t want to be alive#even when i was doing well i still didn’t want to be alive#for 24 years.#i had no fucking idea being alive could be so easy. i had no idea.#i want to hold myself and tell them i want to wrap myself up and say it will be BETTER#it will be so so far from perfect but it will be so so good you just have to hold on#i am so happy but i am mourning#i don’t know how to articulate it at all i just feel#happy but grieving#i LOVE this new city we live in i LOVE it here#i like my job enough to stand it for enough hours a week to get by#i have the time and the energy to throw myself into hobbies like knitting and cooking#i watch one or two good movies a week#i eat delicious food i’ve made and from restaurants we want to try#i’m IN LOVE. with my girlfriend in a way that’s so overwhelming and unlike anything i’ve ever felt that words don’t do it justice#i have friends who are gentle and patient with me when it’s hard for me to reach out#i am fighting agoraphobia tooth and fucking nail and i’m seeing the world and experiencing it#i laugh every day!!!! every single day!!!!#i have a goofy wonderful dog and an incredibly sweet cat#i talk to my baby brother all the time and he tells me he loves me and he’s graduating college soon and i’m so fucking proud#i wish i would’ve known how good it would all become#i wish i could’ve known#personal
37 notes
·
View notes
Text
I ran my half marathon!! It was surprisingly great. I got a pretty good pr-- I took off a little more than 2 minutes from my previous best time, which is a lot for me!
I did not really have much of a plan for this one, other than feeling pretty good from my 10k in the fall and knowing I had done enough miles, especially since I had done a run the day before every long run, which adds up to a lot of time on your feet. I started around 8:50, and figured I'd just try to hold there, and I did! Some miles were down in the 8:30s, and one or two were in the high 8:50s, but I averaged 8:40 on my watch and 8:45 on the course (the watch clocked another .1 mile, which probably is right with weaving). And it was hard on my legs but not that hard cardio!! I felt really strong the whole time.
There is one section where you run down an enormous hill to the beach and then immediately back up the hill (about 100 feet of elevation and I did it in just under 2 minutes). People were FLYING by me down the hill-- I had to protect my knees and my mom bladder and kept it around 8:15-- and then I passed every one of them going back up the hill. I live at the top of a hill so I do have easy access to hill training. Carly Rae Jepsen's I want you in my room came on and I was just like, "Come on carly!!" over and over. It worked!
I also did a good job on nutrition-- I took a few sips of water (and rinsed my mouth out) at every water stop, and took a gel at mile 5 and had a date at mile 9ish. This is a very well-supported race, so you get water and gatorade every 1-2 miles and they also had Gu at mile 9. I
Anyway I finished really strong and had a lot of fun! It is a really surprisingly hilly race for chicago and all the strategy for the hills made it go very quickly. Idk what my next half marathon will be! I don't know that I want to spend every spring training for this thing!! My dad was like wow you're really set up now for a great half in the fall and I was like, fuck off! I was set up for a great half today! So anyway it was a great run and that was that. New PR at 1:54:40.
#somehow the faster I get the slower I feel#bc I am comparing myself to faster people#also my new age bracket is faster so I did “worse” this year than last year ranking wise#which is frustrating!#but I am just trying to be proud of my good time and for getting an undeniable PR
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
Nowwwwww, I facetiously mentioned at the bottom of this post about the Halo: Reach achievement:
To do that, you have to go under or close to par time on pretty much each level ON LEGENDARY.
I have beaten Reach on Legendary but it probably took me closer to 30 hours than 3 because I did my slow, methodical strategies to get through. I did the par time achievement by running past everything I could on Easy. Can I combine the two successfully?
I decided to give the first level "Winter Contingency" a try (after watching some Youtube vids on getting this achievement, of course 😉). Par time is 15 minutes.
That was my third try, the first was 16 and some minutes, the second got it to 15 and some and then that one got under the par by 32 seconds! I should note that this is considered one of the easiest levels to do on Legendary and the guide I watched by the ever-awesome Halo Completionist did it under 12 minutes and you're going to need every spare second you can scrap together to give you a buffer for some of the long, difficult levels. But still!
It's silly, I know, but I feel so proud of me! I'm an old lady (well, middle-aged, if I'm being generous 😜) playing Halo with shaky hands but I made under par time on Legendary! 🥳🥳🥳
PS - Tried it again and got 13:55!
#halo#halo: reach#halo reach#this is my game tag#it's silly i know but i really am proud of me#nobody will ever realize how little i expected to be able to even finish ONE of the mcc games on easy#i wanted to be able to do it but i just didn't think i'd be able to#and then i made it through halo ce#and then the others slowly one at a time#it means something to me#i don't even know why but it does#i'm not good at games but i'm tenacious i'll keep trying#i'll watch different strategies then try to find something that'll work for me#i'll work at it until i get there#it's not pretty nobody would ever want to watch my twitch stream that's for sure lol#but i get it done#i'm proof that you don't have to be some amazing gamer to do some amazing things#i feel like there's a life lesson in there or something i dunno#is anybody still reading down this far in the tags?#have a cookie if you're still here#love you frens#thanks for letting me share with you#ageless aislynn
26 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Red Eyes and Evil Time, practically the same thing right (Patreon)
#Doodles#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Sona double feature!#Red Eyes and Evil Time /are/ different for the record lol#There's overlap and they're both eye details but they're different#Mmm Red Eyes feels so niiiice <3 And I've been pacing myself so it's Just Red Eyes!#No red shines :) Which can happen even on Red Eyes#In fact it's probably more common - the red shines on Blue Eyes was something of an oddity#No one knows the lore except me I'll explain someday lol#For now it's just fun to be in Red Eyes! :D And the occasional Evil Time as well lol - all the overlaps!#I somehow accidentally made a like?? Cotton Candied Popcorn themed outfit for Eli for the first one lol that wasn't my intention#I mean it's cute I'm not about to fight it lol I'd love for my sonas to have other clothes inspired by each other haha#Eli's eyes are still quite fun to draw as well haha those bright pops of colour - Red Purple or Blue they're all so stark and shaped#Back to their classic feminine outfit good for them uwu#Silly lad#They're also still a scientist first and foremost - it's all chemicals there's gotta be a way to recreate it externally!#Local vampire scientist creates mood stabilizers more at 7 lol#I'm quite pleased with the three-red two-purple one-blue gradient as well hehe - the decay! :D I like it as a visual#Charm tiiime <3 <3 Happy Charm time in Evil Time! Usually better than bad mood Evil Time lol - at least for those around her#Still chaotic to be in it haha - but happy chaos is happy! Lol#Again more fun with eyes the light bounce in the one where she's holding the melt is so cute and looks so nice on my paper too <3#I had a silly comic idea for her for the next time I get into Red Eyes as well - if I remember lol#Big Love is hearts! It just makes sense#Also I am Really proud of the cleaning job I did on that last one lol - from original to this? Night and day ngl#Guess that goes to show how little cleaning I do on-page lol#For some I do! Others...#Still thinking up outfits - you can probably just make out ''Hero Charm'' in her hair lol trying to think around different themes#Something that could become something else! Add or subtract an element and it changes the ''meaning'' of the outfit#Kinda like her initial caped design that Kaiein rejected hmmm
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
hi guys please wish me luck for my college entrance exam tomorrow for one of my dream schools xoxo
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#LET'S GOOO MGA PAREH 💙🦅💙🦅💙🦅💙🦅#i'm so chill for some reason even if ik i will never forgive myself if i don't get in. anyway. manifesting!!! i will pass with flying colors#IT'S REAL DAMN STRESSFUL FOR ME bcs i am aiming for honors courses which means i have to be top 15%... i am top 15% (and higher) in my batch#in school anyway but... urgh...#so. yeah. give me all your best wishes thankyousomuchxoxo AHHEHEHWHSHFJAH sobbing (but fr. if you do. i really appreciate it!!)#i believe in myself :] mostly. the time limit scares me and math and abstract reasoning bcs 5 minutes for 30 items but yeah. okay.#i am Smart ..... bro i literally got perfect on my physics exam and got 100 in statistics (i am really proud of these in particular)#my extracurriculars are good !! all my math scores are insane (cue a math nerd) and science (science nerd) english (god. no explanation#needed) honestly every subject is slay and so is my essay-making but ERGH. honors course... top 15%...#i will try to be chill! honestly i am already lol the nerves aren't getting to me somehow. gl to me and all that i know and do not know.#both here and irl :3 also to fellow ph kids (who are most likely younger than me if they aren't older and yk not worrying abt cets anymore#LMFAO) err idk if . okay idk what i was going to say LMFAO anyway i'm busy af and idk if i'm good with teaching others#but if you ever want any tips from me (honestly i don't really have tips. i do what i do and just make it. but there's a lot involved there)#feel free to come to me for anything ^_^ anything at all tbh. doesn't have to be acads idk i like helping others in general. BUT IT DEPENDS.#but yeah just hmu whatever i will have you know i am genuinely a smart & responsible kid and i am proud of that bcs my family is amazing w#smarts but also the Hard Work is there so :3 !! english is my forte science is my forte math is my forte. also socsci and whatever tbh.#i'm probably insane but i genuinely love all those topics and what we learn in school FISHFK so yeah !!! okay i shut up now#will do my best... zzz... and then i will work on myself. to be better than i already am and even better than i could possibly be. ya. fun!#the mga pareh is a joke btw i like imitating filipino kids like that. like yooo mga pareh let's goooooo wahee!!!!!
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
tag ramble
#not to sound like an attention seeker But does it sometimes feel like you're work is ignored if you're not already like. a big creator#this is about gifmaking yes. again -_- i do this every few months#im just dejected a little i feel because i think my gifs are good. i am very proud of them. i think they are good quality and i like my#colouring etc etc. Which is why i want people to see them. because i like them so much :D#but it feels like there's nooooo point if you're not already like. big. doing numbers. it feels like there's a wall between me and 90% of#other gifmakers and idk what it is#like what is itttt. am i not personal enough on my account? i don't think it's that. it's an interest focused acct like everyone elses#i make text post sometimes with thoughts and stuff#i try and interact with other people's gifs and stuff. i keep adjusting my queue time cuz i feel bad when stuff takes a bit to#come out and i want them to know their work is seen and i like it#outside of like. tkd lol. i gif stuff i know people like. well i gif it for me of course but i know other people on tumblr like it#and then i scroll thru the network tag for that group and every post around mine is doing numbers and mine is just. there#idk sorry for whining i guess. im just sad. i like my gifs too much If i liked my stuff less i'd care less i know#i appreciate the tags i get from friends. i really do. and i know that should be enough for me#but i also have this little ache all the time >_>#been gifmaking for 15 months now and ive yet to crack the secret
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
🏞🏞🏞
#the thing is I'm not proud of many things I've done. It's actually the exact opposite.#I kinda suck most of the time if I'm honest. but getting sober and doing it all on my own...#it's one of the only things I'm proud of when it comes to myself. sure.it's my third attempt but 1 year and 3 months...#it's the longest time I've ever managed to not try and deal with myself in a way that slowly but surely fucked me up in a very different way#I still struggle. some days are easier than others#but I'm still doing it.#being sober doesn't magically solve all my other issues but I don't spiral as much as I used to.#i don't think I'll ever be someone people can be around. which is like i don't blame people. i know how i am and how fucking difficult it is#to deal with that. the fear of abandonment that makes me push people away until they leave. the self-fulfilling prophesy of it all#the way i push and when i get the result i was expecting the immediate pull the fear and irrationality#the emotional disreggulation the self-pity#it's gotten better since i stopped drinking. less frequently and all that... but it's never gone not really#sometimes i think about the what could've beens.#what if my childhood went a little differently. what if my dad was there for me when i needed him. what if i wasn't me.#my ex best friend once told me that I'm to desperate to be saved. that nobody can do that anyway.#I'm not sure if I'd deserve it anyway. i have dreams in which I'm still me still dark and ugly and selfish and cruel at times#but i am trying i like to believe that i am already trying. i am. I'm just scared that it'll never be enough.#I'm not proud of many things but I'm 1 year and 3 months sober#only a few days and it's gonna be 1 year and 4 months#i didn't achieve much in my life but I'm here and i am trying every day i am trying and i hope on day it'll be enough#i hope one day i won't cause pain but build something good#sorry... I've just been thinking about it lately#because it is an achievement and i didn’t let myself be proud of how far I've come#alex talks#I'm still scared that people will look at me differently when they know... sometimes i feel like they can see the my rotten core anyway#to delete
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
lies on the floor and has just So Many Feelings about all the ways in which pericles and cassidy are foils, one of them being the comparison between how they use constant, vocal, unabashed affirmation of the qualities they value about themselves to cope with rock bottom self-esteem.
there's so much to be said here about how pericles' 'positive' self-talk is ultimately destructive to himself and everyone around him, whereas cassidy's has both been healing for her and held her back from processing her self-loathing in other ways, and so much of that has to do with her experiencing firsthand the results of pericles' shit handling of his poor self-esteem and desperately not wanting to be anything like him. fuck me up man
#sdmi#scooby doo: mystery incorporated#cassidy williams#professor pericles#SDMItag#there's SO much here god#the older i get the more i understand cassidy and *ow*#which like god the 'desperately does not want to be another pericles' is a whole can of worms of its own#cassidy: it's important to internalize that you're allowed to like and be proud of things about yourself without having to Pass Peer Review#not just as a matter of principle but because your brain needs to hear it reinforced to do so; especially when there's already damage#in the same way that someone tearing you down over and over and over will beat the idea into your head over time#no matter how Flat Out Wrong you believe they are on a logical level; and no matter how viscerally you believed that at the start#be the opposite of that for yourself#pericles: my entire personhood hinges on one (1) Good Quality(tm)#without it i am utterly worthless and deserve everything that has ever happened to me. everyone i refused to believe about myself was right#the only valid measure of whether i am a person and have worth is whether the One Good Quality demonstrably *works* in practice#and other people are forced to believe it is real and matters because it directly affects them; usually to their detriment#and the only reason people try to stop me from succeeding or give me consequences for my actions is because they don't see me as a person#'locking me up like a common beast' isn't wrong because he's inherently a person; it's wrong because *he's Smart and that makes him one*#and it does not cross his mind at all that 'seems to have murdered a bunch of children' *might in fact be a reason they'd lock up a person*#so fuck em he'll hurt anyone and everyone in order to prove his One Good Quality; and make *absolutely sure* they know it's being proved#there has to be someone else to witness and validate that proof; because to him his own judgment does not count#cassidy after having her life destroyed by the results: Hm! no thanks#dyn: so nice to meet you; angel
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
i know when recovering you’re supposed to take solace in the fact that you’re a better person and you are no longer who you used to be. this does not stop me from wanting to time travel back several years and kick younger me’s teeth in and tell them to get their shit together
#im going to be okay. im taking comfort in the fact that i know itll never be that bad again#but someone mentioned how awful i used to be and man. the fuckin guilt and shame never eases#thats good tho i think. the guilt helps me to never be like that again#in five years i wanna look back and think that rn i was trying my hardest. so i AM trying my hardest#some days tho. some days that guilt genuinely just consumes you.#this referencing my alcoholic era. worst time of my life. i hate who i was. i hate how i hurt good people around me#but all i can do is try to be better. i havent been drunk in over a year or two now?#and its always going to be a struggle. but i am very proud of my sobriety and how i dug myself out of that#but some days all you can do is mourn i think. it feels awful. but its a good reminder to never let myself get to that point again.#personal#alcoholism tw
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.
And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.
I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.
But do you know what I found?
I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,
I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.
Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:
I was worth talking to when I was quiet.
I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.
So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.
You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.
(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)
#original#social anxiety#autism#that one post#actually autistic#self-diagnosis is valid - in case that last tag implies otherwise to anyone. i think it just denotes i am an autistic and not just an ally.#social skills#socially awkward#socially anxious#autistic positivity#autism positivity#like actually genuinely who does it hurt if i tell a joke that doesn't land? esp if the joke is not about another person#this is not a live comedy show this is life ya gotta learn to say 'ah well they can't all be golden!'#which btw is a line i use when my own jokes don't land and it usually plays pretty well actually. i've got a higher hit rate but#genuinely they just can't all be good! anyway i go into that in the post linked at the end there i think#people can tell when you're not sure of yourself socially and a lot of folks instinctively use that against you. and i am here to say that#it's fucked up that they are doing that and they need to step off actually. imagine getting to decide on which social cues are#acceptable and then using that power to be unkind. fuckin gross. i regret so deeply each time in my life i have made that choice.#being a kid who is abused like that so often it was eager to power trip when i met kids more awkward than myself. but it was wrong#and i regret it. and i am proud to say i haven't done that in a long time and instead when i find myself with that power i try to say#actually what do YOU want? to the people shyer than me.#i'm pretty rad now is what i'm saying lol#like all the ways that having a good social stat has improved my life just made me realize what bullshit it is that this was necessary#doing what I did is not desirable or possible for everyone. they deserve just as much out of life as i do.#side note: i think I've actually surpassed a lot of neurotypicals who had never even had to think about social rules 🤣.#like I feel no competition with other people who have struggled socially but now that I'm more charming than people who were dicks to me#I do feel like fuck you!! I win!!!! I can finally see enough of the full picture to say that your arbitrary rules were FUCKING ARBITRARY#I'm also aware of the fact that not everyone finds me charismatic but i am. in all the ways that matter to me. and I'm still growing!#note to future jack: you did save these posts in your notes app on the day this was written.#tbh i am often still awkward i am just not sorry anymore if i'm not hurting ppl. 'confident and awkward' really throws 'em for a loop! XD
30 notes
·
View notes
Text
this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have so much love in my heart it’s unreal
#thank GOD i’m going to visit my family in a couple days - i need a BREAK it’s getting overwhelming#but also i love my coworker so much#in a platonic way - she’s like a little sister to me#she’s so motivated and she has SO much potential and i am so proud of her and excited to see her learn and grow#and i want to help in any way i can#i hype her up to my boss and our other coworkers and upper management whenever possible#because she deserves it and nobody else is gonna do it#my boss is nice enough - but she doesn’t talk us up much which is a shame#so it’s up to me to make sure my coworker is being appreciated properly#because she is doing a TON of good work and i need to make sure she knows how incredible that is#she is too hard on herself and needs to take more time for herself to rest because she doesn’t get nearly enough#me and our other coworker have made it our personal mission to ensure that she takes care of herself#and she’s actually doing meaningfully better since we took an interest and - again - i am SO proud of her#i’m currently trying to convince her not to take too much on this summer and i *THINK* it’s going well#ultimately she’s going to be limited by reality regardless#but it would be better for her to plan less rather than try to do everything and get burnt out#i think she thrives on intense pressure just like i do - but that’s also wildly unhealthy to endure for long stretches#so i’m gonna keep working at it
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
4 notes
·
View notes