#buck struggling with it when he finds out - not wanting to see Tommy

[lemotmo]

I have never sent you one of these before so I hope I did it correctly. I found this very helpful because I also don't always understand the nuance or subtlety of a scene. Glad to know it's not just me.

Q. I'm not sure if you can even do this but I have autism and I struggle immensely with understanding subtext, framing, sarcasm and anything else really that I'm supposed to be able to pick up on in media. The direct dialogue or action in a scene tends to be what I take as fact. I understand that's not the case and things are always there that aren't being spoken or directly stated. Can you try to explain the Buddie stuff that points to them going canon? I want it but I don't know how to spot those clues. Does this even make sense? Please feel free to ignore this if it's not something that's explainable.

A. Hi, anon. Your question makes perfect sense and I am more than willing to try and see if I can explain or offer some context into some of the scenes. I have a friend who has Asperger's and he struggles with all these things as well so we try to explain things to him as often as he needs. For the sake of length, and not wanting to make this thread too long to keep up with, I will relegate my examples to a few things from seasons 7 and 8 only. Otherwise we would be here all day. I will start with episode 7x4 because that's the episode that is most widely misinterpreted.

As everyone now knows the episode ended with Tommy kissing Buck, keep in mind that we had spent the entirety of the episode up to that point watching Buck apparently being jealous because Eddie was spending time with another guy. The direct dialogue of the scene leading up to the kiss, when Buck tells Tommy that trying to get his attention had been exhausting, is the argument people use to show that the episode was really about Tommy. But Tommy himself doesn't believe that. The audience sees Tommy surprised by that statement, because he was also aware Buck was bothered by Eddie spending time with him, but he clearly thought Buck was bothered for the same reason the audience thought Buck was bothered, because he wasn't the one Eddie was spending time with. That's why Tommy responds with a confused/surprised "Me"? The episode played very much like Buck was jealous of Tommy NOT Eddie. The most obvious example of this was the scene in the firehouse when Eddie is on the phone in the locker room and Buck is trying to get his attention while working out. The show never tells us who Eddie is actually talking too. We don't know who's on the other end of the conversation, neither does Buck. The only thing Buck sees is Eddie laughing and having a good time while ignoring him. Tommy wasn't at the firehouse so he was never going to see Buck trying to show off around the weight room and Amazon priming a basketball to himself so he could pretend he was interested in something he knew Eddie was interested in. The other interesting thing about that episode was the way Eddie was framed, in other words shot and filmed, throughout. He was consistently lit in golden/sunlight, colors associated with warmth and happiness/joy. Tim made a point of telling everyone that the episode was from Buck's perspective which means that's how Buck sees Eddie. Buck associates Eddie with happiness and warmth and joy. The joy theme is important to remember because it comes back into play during season 8. I'm not in any way suggesting that once Buck became aware of his male attraction that he didn't find Tommy attractive, he clearly did in some capacity. But it is not out of character for Buck to over correct himself in the wrong direction. Both times he asked his partners to move in with him were direct results of his belief that he needed to make up for some wrong he had done to them. He asked Taylor to move in with him after he kissed Lucy and he asked Tommy to move in with him after his reaction to the Abby news, and Josh's speech about what they owed the older queer community. Josh said many things in that speech, a speech I did not love, but he said many things and it was telling that the only part of that speech that seemed to register with Buck where Tommy was concerned was the part about what they owed to the community that came before them. It was wrong to ask on both occasions. Taylor said yes. Tommy said no. We will get back to the Tommy one shortly but those are perfect examples of Buck over correcting himself in the wrong direction in order to avoid dealing with the actual issues.

When we arrive at season 8 we get the scene of Buck hearing all the different noise and static in his head when he's trying to calm himself down while Gerard is yelling. The only voice that is clear and audible for the audience is Eddie's voice. Eddie's voice is the one used to calm and recenter Buck. It was an intentional choice to make it Eddie's voice. not his boyfriends voice but Eddie's voice. Episode 8x6 was the biggie though. The episode is titled Confessions. It was the only episode of the season so far where Buck and Eddie didn't say a single word to one another, but I'll come back to that. Eddie was the focus of that episode, it is important to note that episodes 7x4 and 8x6 were directed by the same man. It was intentional on the show's part for these two episodes to sync in some capacity. They have kept the Buck storyline and the Eddie storyline linked since the beginning of season 7. Their storylines are connected. We see Eddie at the juice bar pick up a bottle of juice and hand it to the cashier. He changes his mind though and swaps it out for a bottle of water (a good note to have here is that in the first episode when the crew is running the stairs Buck is holding a bottle of juice, not water, once they make it to the roof). Father Brian watches this interaction and decides he wants to talk to Eddie. We then see Eddie sitting outside at a table, with plenty of empty tables around him, but Father Brian asked if he could join him anyway. Father Brian attempts small talk, and Eddie, unprompted, tells him, 'sorry, I'm straight'. This is not something television has straight characters do. It's not necessary to declare your heterosexuality. In fact it is far more common for television to use dialogue like that to foreshadow a sexuality realization for that character. It is a very common beginning to a sexuality arc. Father Brian then wants to know why Eddie swapped his juice for the water. Eddie tells him he felt like water instead and Father Brian then equates Eddie denying himself the juice as a way of denying himself joy. He tells Eddie that he's punishing himself. Then they talk about why Eddie has the mustache. Eddie tells him he wanted a full beard but the LAFD doesn't allow full beards. A very interesting conversation indeed for a character who has just explicitly stated that he's straight. We all know the term 'beard' and its history within the queer community. Father Brian then tells Eddie to do one thing that brings him joy. That entire scene was written like foreshadowing. I will skip ahead now to Buck and Tommy's break up. Tommy explains to Buck that at some point he is going to figure out what it is that he really wants and even though he won't mean to, he will hurt Tommy once he figures that out. Tommy has known since 7x4 that something is there for Buck where Eddie is concerned. But he also knows Buck is not ready for that realization yet. He makes a point of telling Buck that he's his first not his last. They also made a point of having Buck say sometimes those can be the same, meaning your first can be your last. Tommy says sometimes that can be true but not most of the time. Meaning there is an exception to that rule. The right person can be your first and your last. Tommy was not the right person. Fast forward to Eddie shaving off his mustache and doing his risky business dance.

Buck goes to Eddie following the breakup. Eddie answers the door in his underwear and he and Buck do not speak. Buck holds up a beer bottle and walks in. They don't talk. They sit on the couch in silence drinking their beers. That is the final shot of the episode. An episode entitled Confessions, and the only episode of the season where Buck and Eddie don't say a single word to one another. Again the framing of that scene is also important because of what surrounds them in the scene. Buck and Eddie are on the couch. It's right it's where they belong but the timing is not right. The blurry picture of Christopher between them on the table behind them is intentional. Christopher is missing from their little unit. Then there's the picture of Texas on the wall behind Eddie. Texas, and everything it represents for Eddie, looms over them. Those are the obstacles that have to be dealt with first. They existed in that shot because Buck, and especially Eddie, cannot escape them. They have to be dealt with and fixed first. They didn't talk because they have things they need to do first.

The last shot of the mid season finale being Buck sitting alone on the Diaz couch was also foreshadowing. Eddie is going to Texas. Yes, that scene also indicated that Buck is finally at a place where he won't be able to ignore or misinterpret his feelings for Eddie any longer. Eddie isn't there yet. Texas has to be dealt with first. Therefore Eddie couldn't be physically on the couch with him in that scene because Eddie has to leave first. Eddie has to be the one person who leaves Buck and chooses to come back to Buck.

I hope this made sense, anon. It was still longer than I anticipated. Please feel free to ask me anything at any time. I am more than happy to try and explain something as best as I can, if I can. I have no idea if this was helpful but I hope you were able to get something out of it. 🩷

Thank you Nonny! This is lovely!

Such a great breakdown of the overarching Buddie storyline for Buck and Eddie. Such a great resource for people who have trouble recognising subtext and nuance in a storyline.

I am going to add my own breakdown of the entire last Buddie scene of episode 8x08. Right after it aired someone with autism contacted me with the question if I could break that specific scene down for them.

You can find it here: breakdown of 8x08 final Buddie scene

If anyone ever needs more help in this department, feel free to send an ask. Just like Ali, I'd be happy to try and explain what the viewer is meant to take away from a scene.

Heads up! For anyone who is giving me the shifty eyes for reposting Ali's updates instead of reblogging. Read this.

Remember, no hate in comments, reblogs or inboxes. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of Ali’s posts, you can find all of her posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Living for the idea that they might actually give us the plotline that Tommy hadn’t actually changed - that he’s just been wearing a mask to fit in wherever he is and its slipping and revealing his racist, sexist, homophobic past - that isn’t so in the past after all - that that is who he actually is!

[theallyandhisbeast]

About bucktommy and 911 in general

You know, in the end, this just feels extremely cheap and cruel.

Showing bucktommy be incandescently happy in all the episodes but 8.6? Even in this ep you can feel how much they care and genuinely love each other. Audience was largely optimistic and excited about them, in a way we have never seen for other buck's LI.

Only to what? Throw it all away because you can't be bothered to write a satisfactory arc for them? Because Buck is the epitome of the guy who dates a lot but always gets broken up with? That to be able to decide if you want to be in a committed relationship if you are bi you have to explore first or else your decision is null and void?

What a way to waste potential and your characters arc.

The special thing about Tommy was that he was beloved by not only bucktommy fans, but GA, and most importantly he was a sort of representation we don't see all that much in media. People loved him because they saw themselves in him, they could connect to his journey and they were genuinely rooting for him to find love and family with Buck. To waste it all away, and to do so by basically throw at us all that we loved about them is unnecessarily cruel.

What hurts the most is that even buck and tommy themselves didn't want to break up. but instead they "must" because bowing down to harmful stereotypes about bi people who are "confused and so they must experiment before settling" is more important than telling a compelling story.

Even without bt break up, I feel like this season took a sharp dive for the worst about well thought storylines in a way that baffles him. Gerrard was reduced to a joke, as was Ortiz, both pgs that could have been used to create compelling arcs that intertwined the 118 even more but instead we got this cheap throwaway joke of a Gerrard, Ortiz was basically throw out of office in a single ep. Hotshot sl could have been fun but instead it's just.... there. And coming back too just for funsies, cause apparently that sl was more important to develop instead of a interesting queer relationship.

Athena once again doing copaganda. Bobby coming back to the 118 without any particular struggle or even guilt about dropping the bag. Things said in interviews that we expect to happen and never even made it to the screen (Eddie's loneliness? Chim and Hen having conflict over Mara? Buck feeling guilty about injuring Gerrard?).

The way Maddie cannot have any sl that is not either tied to a man or about motherhood. Madney having another surprise baby instead of them choosing on purpose to expand their family. Hen & Karen gaining trauma after trauma about their children and not having any other sl that is not tied to that. Josh just existing in the periphery and only becoming important as the "insightful token gay" but not having any type of meaningful screen time since Carson.

The other side characters like Sue, Ravi, Linda, Carla completely disappearing without anyone mentioning them. Ravi has not been given any important sl ever since he talked about having cancer and ever since reduced as a comic relief without anything to add to his character but he's a "landlord".

Chris is out of the picture for who knows how long, and is basically kept around to be traumatized over and over again. Eddie hasn't gotten any character development until first s5 and seemingly now, but i'd argue that the whole thing just felt rushed because what do you mean it takes one chat with a priest for him to do a 180° while he still isn't talking to Chris? And Eddie was the one who got the best treatment of all of them this season.

It's the way this show is slowly chipping itself away. It's the way they start a queer story line promising it would be impactful and handled with care and then half-assing it a best. It's the way the other queer characters are never explored and able to breath and revel in their queerness in the first place. Because, really, when was the last time Hen and Karen kissed on screen? When was the last time they went on a date? When was the last time their arcs were not about children or getting hurt, but just about them as individuals? And on this thread what about Maddie? Or Josh? Or Chim? Or Eddie?

Everything feels reused again and again and again without no real development than then starting the circle all over in half a season.

What a waste.

[leashybebes]

Congrats on the increased follower count, you deserve it after exes detriments (sorry, I can’t remember the official name) but here’s a prompt for you:

Buck and Tommy struggle to find time in their schedules to see each other

aww, thank you so much! 💛💛 and thanks for the prompt!

Buck knows he should be getting some rest. But if he has to lie sleepless in his bunk and listen to Chim snore much longer, he's going to do something drastic. He creeps out of the bunk room, shoots off a text, and makes his way up to the roof. He's barely sat down by the time his phone rings.

"Hi," he says, and he feels breathless and eager all over again. Still.

"Did you seriously just 'u up?' me, Evan? Aren't you at work?"

"Hey, it was a sincere question. You can tell by the lack of the eggplant emoji."

"You're ridiculous."

"Yeah," Buck agrees easily. "I miss you. And your eggplant."

"Evan!" Tommy's so good at sounding scandalized and delighted all at once and Buck grins.

"What are you doing after your shift on Tuesday?"

"Errands, then therapy, then sleep."

"Gotcha. I'm working Wednesday."

"Me too. Thursday?" Tommy suggests.

"Looking after Jee," Buck says, and while he's never going to regret time spent with his niece, this is starting to get ridiculous. "They should be picking her up by eight?"

"Drinks with the team at nine," Tommy says, and he does sound regretful, but part of Tommy working on himself is trying to let himself have more meaningful connections, both in quantity and depth, so Buck's not about to try talking him out of that. "And you're working Friday."

"Yeah. And you have that private flying lesson Saturday, right?"

"Yeah. Should be done mid afternoon if that's any good?"

Buck rubs his hand over his face. "Video call with Eddie and Chris at four, and then I'm supposed to be going for dinner at Maddie's."

"Ah."

"I could come over after?"

"I'd need to leave before seven for my Sunday shift."

"Honestly, at this point, I'll take it."

"Evan."

Buck sighs. "I know, I know."

They're dating now, is the thing. Not going on a couple of dates and then weaving their lives together without discussing it until it blows up in their faces. Actually dating.

"I could - I could tell them. You could come with me."

There's a long, heavy silence.

"I don't think I'm ready for that."

Because they're also keeping it to themselves for now. They both want to see where it goes without any outside influence, to see what it is they settle into when it's just them. It's honestly - it's kind of fun, having this little secret to themselves, going further afield than they usually would for dates, trying new places and new things. But it can't go on forever, and although he's only referred to it jokingly, Buck knows Tommy's worried what people will think - that he screwed up too bad, that they'll hate him, that they'll tell Buck he's an idiot to give him a second chance. Buck's pretty sure that's not on the cards - Maddie might go a little overprotective big sister with a side of pregnancy hormones, but he thinks that'll be it. And that's nothing they can't handle.

"Hey," he says. "Can we talk about this sometime? Check in, see where we're at?"

"Yeah," Tommy promises. "Of course."

"Okay. Monday, then?"

"Monday," Tommy agrees. "My neighbour's been raving about this seafood restaurant in Santa Barbara if you're up for a bit of a drive?"

"Sounds good. Monday's so far away, though," Buck laments.

"I can hear the pout from here, Evan," Tommy teases.

"Well," Buck says, letting his voice drop deliberately into a tone that never fails to make Tommy a bit wild. "You'll just have to buy me a nice meal and kiss it better, huh?"

"God, Evan - "

"I'm off Tuesday too. Maybe we find a nice little bed and breakfast and make a night of it? I can show you just how you how much I've missed - "

He hears the door open behind him and his mouth snaps shut. "Gotta go. Call you later."

Tommy lets out a huff of laughter. "Bye, Evan. Be safe."

"You too," Buck says, as Bobby drops into the chair next to his.

"Hey, Cap."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"With Chim sawing logs one bunk over? I'm amazed anybody can."

"You don't normally struggle."

Buck shrugs, tries not to meet Bobby's eye. Everyone used to tease him about his Tommy-face, his Tommy-voice, his Tommy-pout, and for all they're taking it slow - and they are - Buck knows he's right back there. If Eddie wasn't in Texas, he's pretty sure their secret would have lasted a week, and Bobby's the next best thing when it comes to reading Buck with a glance.

"You doing okay?" Bobby asks.

"Yep! Real good."

"Hm. Apropos of nothing at all, Kaur from B shift is looking for cover. You interested in Friday off in exchange for a six to six Saturday?"

"Yes! I mean. Yeah, I can do that."

Bobby shoots him an amused look. "Okay, then. Happy for you, kid."

Buck grins up at the dark sky. He can push his call with Chris and Eddie a little later, and still make it on time for dinner with Maddie and Chim.

"You coming back inside?"

"In a minute," Buck says. "Just gotta make a call."

"Uh-huh. Tell him hi from me if you like," Bobby offers, patting Buck's shoulder as he goes.

[theotherbuckley]

Just some Bucktommy headcanons <3

- Buck always struggles to hide his surprise every time Tommy goes out of his way to turn up for him because he’s not used to someone actually showing up for him. Tommy sets out to always prove him wrong.

- Tommy was completely prepared for Buck to be a baby gay (inclusive) and still chokes every time Buck is super flirty, not that he’s complaining.

- After bad shifts they both take care of each other and help each other wash off and then cuddle together.

- The first time Tommy sees Buck with Jee he damn near has a heart attack. Buck sees him and gets worried but Tommy just tells him he’s adorable and Buck blushes.

- Buck gets butterflies and blushes so hard every single time Tommy calls him cute or adorable or anything like that because he’s not used to being perceived in that way and he loves it.

- Every single time Buck sees a helicopter he sends a pic to Tommy asking if it’s him. This leads to Tommy sending Buck photos of random doggos and asking if it’s Buck.

- Buck can’t shut up about his how his boyfriend is a pilot and will tell anyone who will listen.

- Buck loves how Tommy calls him Evan it makes his heart skip a beat. One day Tommy asks him about it because everyone else calls him Buck and should he? And Buck ducks his head and says “I like the way you say it.”

- They have a vulnerable discussion and Buck tells Tommy about Daniel and growing up constantly getting hurt and Tommy shares his rough childhood with his parents divorce and feeling like nobody was in his corner. Tommy vows never to let Buck think he’s worth anything less than everything and Buck makes sure Tommy knows that hes got him has a steady figure. He invites Tommy to all the 118 gatherings to make sure he knows that he has them too.

- At one of the gatherings Bobby takes Tommy aside and he thinks he’s getting the shovel talk but Bobby just hugs him and welcomes him to the family. Tommy has to wipe his eyes before going back out to the gathering.

- Tommy talks to Hen privately and profusely apologises for his behaviour at the 118 which leads to them both in tears by the end of it. Hen promises to give him a Christmas card every year and Tommy laughs.

- The first time bucktommy has a fight it’s over something trivial, Tommy leaves to get some fresh air and returns an hour or so later to find Buck crying. Buck looks shocked that he came back. Tommy tells him he will always come back and vows to communicate more clearly with Buck.

- Buck always talks about wanting to get a dog and Tommy just shakes his head and laughs. One day Tommy comes home covered in soot with a small golden retriever puppy that he saved in his arms and tells Buck he couldn’t let go of him. They name him Leo. Chris becomes obsessed with him and begs Eddie to get a dog too. Instead Carla takes Chris over after school to see Leo and feed him when Buck and Tommy can’t. Leo loves Chris and always barks when he leaves.

- Buck teaches Tommy how to dance because he never learnt. Buck tells him how he learnt for Maddie.

- When Buck gets hurt on a call Tommy won’t leave his side. He asks Eddie how he did it when Buck actually died and Eddie shakes his head and said he didn’t. Eddie takes Tommy home and forces him to shower and eat. Eddie, Chris, and Tommy sit together talking about Buck until they get the message that Bucks okay.

- When Eddie gets hurt on a call Buck is beside himself. Buck tells Tommy about the will. Buck tells Chris his dad is hurt again and Tommy holds Buck when he breaks down afterwards remembering the shooting.

- The first time they go further than making out Buck tells Tommy he loves his tits and then blushes and apologises. Tommy just chuckles and tells Buck he loves his tits too.

- Buck comes in with a limp one day and turns red when they ask him to explain. Hen keeps laughing at him but Chimney is so confused and keeps asking about it. Buck breaks and tells him. Chim can’t look Tommy in the eye at the next BBQ

- When they get married Tommy says how grateful he is to have an ally like Buck in his life.

[capseycartwright]

miss me, but let me go

“I have - I’ve carried this grief, for you, for so long, and I know I can’t let it all go, because a part of me is always going to grieve for you,” Eddie paused. “But I can’t feel like this forever, Shannon. I don’t think you’d want me to, either. So - I need to let some of it go. Okay? I need to - I need to be myself now. For me, and for Christopher. I want to be me."

On November 1, Eddie builds an altar for Shannon and finds a way to let her go.

ao3 link

November 1. The date is not one Eddie is likely to ever forget. Even before Shannon died, Dia de los Muertos wasn’t a holiday he ever missed - as a child, he would help his abuelo make their altar every year, a picture of his abuelo front-and-centre, Edmundo Diaz Senior, the man he’d been named for, looking sharp in his suit as he looked out from the glass picture frame where he’d lived all of Eddie’s life. He’d never met his grandfather - only carried his name. 

Over the years, more faces found a home on the altar - friends, and family, time a fickle thing and the only certainty about life that it ended. Death was familiar, a constant in a world Eddie felt like he could never quite figure out.

After Shannon died -

The first November 1 after she died, Eddie built his own altar for the first time, explaining the tradition to Christopher. They had done it every year since, Christopher’s face in a set line as he made sure everything was absolutely perfect. No less than his mother deserved, Eddie knew. 

Shannon hadn’t grown up with the traditions of All Saints and All Souls, but she’d embraced them wholly when she and Eddie had gotten married, making the altar herself when Eddie wasn’t there. It felt right to honour her with the traditions she had loved herself. That was why Eddie had taken to adding a picture of Shannon’s mother to the altar too, when she died the year after Shannon did. Breast cancer, they’d said, but Eddie knew heartbreak had been the thing that had pushed her over the edge.

Every year, Eddie celebrated Shannon, and her mother, his grandfather, the people he’d served with who had died - 

Except this year.

Eddie felt bad. Really, he did - he was going to build the altar himself, but when his dad had texted a picture of the Diaz family altar, Shannon front and centre, Eddie couldn’t quite bring himself to make his own. Shannon was being remembered - that was what mattered. He’d gone to her grave instead, only half listening as the priest had said mass over the graveyard, praying for the salvation of the souls who were buried there.

Grief was a funny old beast, Eddie knew. Grief had made him do crazy things - grief had driven his son to Texas, for crying out loud. The grief didn’t hit standing by her grave, but it did when dusk descended over Eddie’s house, and the absence of an altar began to feel like one of the worst things he’d done amongst a year of terrible decision-making.

Maybe he should have taken Buck up on his offer of coming over to make an altar with him, but Eddie had asked enough of his best friend in the last four months. Eddie knew Tommy had bought them tickets for some movie Buck was dying to see, and as much as Eddie was a near-professional third wheel now, he didn’t think he’d make a good addition to the back row of their local movie theatre.

Eddie winced as he looked at the candle he’d swiped from the dining table. “It’s cedarwood,” he said, apologetic as he lit it, setting the candle down in front of the framed picture of Shannon that lived on their fireplace. “I know you hated cedarwood, but I’m working with what I’ve got here, Shan.”

Eddie pressed his cheek against his folded arms, taking one, two, three shaky breaths. “I really struggled after you left, Shannon. I don’t think I really even realised how much until now - and it’s not just because you were gone, but you were gone and you wanted a divorce, and I - suddenly, I was never going to get answers.”

He’d been talking about Shannon a lot in therapy, lately, unpacking all his complicated feelings during his excruciating weekly hour with Frank. 

“I don’t know if I even wanted to stay married to you,” Eddie admitted, the candle flickering in the growing dark of his living room. That was terrifying to admit out loud - that even if she had stayed alive, he and Shannon wouldn’t have made it work. There were a thousand reasons why, and Eddie could sit, and list them all, but one was more important than the others. 

“I think I’m gay, Shannon,” Eddie had never said it out loud before, despite the thought never quite leaving his mind, Pandora’s box open, now. “If you were here, I bet you’d have such a laugh with that - not like, in a bad way. Just - I think you’d find it funny, that your mom’s gaydar was right after all.” 

He couldn’t help but laugh at the thought himself. Shannon’s mom had been the bitchiest woman he’d ever met, and Eddie loved her for it. 

“I’ve made such a mess of things,” Eddie paused. “But with you, most of all. I’m sorry - for my part in it all. I thought I was doing the right thing, joining the army. I just wanted to take care of you and Chris, and I didn’t see any other way out. I know it was the wrong choice - but I really thought it was the right one. You know?”

Shannon’s picture stayed silent. 

“I have - I’ve carried this grief, for you, for so long, and I know I can’t let it all go, because a part of me is always going to grieve for you,” Eddie paused. For the life she might have had, if not for the car crash - Eddie sometimes liked to indulge himself and think of an alternative life where Shannon had survived, where they got divorced, and learned how to co-parent, and maybe they found their way back to being friends. It was a nice thought.

Eddie wiped roughly at his eyes. “But I can’t feel like this forever, Shannon. I don’t think you’d want me to, either. So - I need to let some of it go. Okay? I need to - I need to be myself now. For me, and for Christopher. I want to be me.” 

With a shaky hand, Eddie pressed a kiss to the framed picture, setting Shannon back down with the candle. It was a half-assed altar, and somehow, that made Eddie feel worse. He scrambled to his feet, heading for his bedroom, and the box of Shannon’s belongings he knew was stashed at the back of his wardrobe. He hadn’t kept much for himself - most of it was for Christopher - but he had a few things. There was a necklace in there, he knew that Eddie had bought her for their first wedding anniversary. It was a cheap thing, because they were always broke, but it was something of hers - it would make it a more acceptable offering.

Eddie couldn’t help the breath that hitched in his throat as he spotted what was in his bedroom. A butterfly, resting on his pillowcase, on the side he always slept on. “Hey, little guy,” he whispered softly, not wanting to startle the tiny creature. His abuela loved butterflies - they were spirits of the people you loved, who had left, coming back to visit. Eddie felt slightly ridiculous, but he said it anyway. “Shannon?”

The butterfly didn’t move. 

“I’m so glad Christopher isn’t here, because he would really think I’ve lost it,” Eddie crouched by the side of his bed, holding out a finger. “Hey. Is this your way of telling me it’s okay to let you go? Did you hear all of that?” 

The butterfly moved, tiny wings fluttering as it came to land on Eddie’s outstretched finger. 

“I hope that’s a yes,” Eddie knew tears were streaming down his cheeks, now, but he didn’t want to freak the butterfly out by wiping them away. “How did you get in here, eh? None of the windows are open.”

If Eddie Diaz believed in a higher power, still, he’d blame God - or the universe. 

“Let’s get you outside,” Eddie said, and the butterfly flapped, a little, coming to land on the windowsill instead. “Yeah? You’re ready to go?”

The butterfly flapped in response again.

“I think I’m ready to let you go, this time,” Eddie admitted, carefully unlatching the window. “We’re going to be okay, me and Christopher. I promise. You can go. You don’t need to worry about us.” 

The butterfly seemed to pause, for a second, before it flew out the open window, disappearing into the beginnings of the evening. Eddie wasn’t sure how long he stood there, tears pouring down his cheeks, rolling off the curve of his chin and onto his shirt, but the next thing he knew, he could hear - 

“Buck?”

“Eddie! You’re a firefighter - how long have you left that candle unattended, huh? Eddie - Eddie, where are you, man?”

Buck appeared in the doorway of Eddie’s bedroom, a family-sized bag of sour patch kids tucked under one arm. “Do I need to teach you the basics of fire safety all over again?” he huffed, pausing as he noticed Eddie’s tears. “Eddie - you okay?”

“Yeah,” Eddie offered his best friend a teary smile. For the first time, Eddie might actually mean that yes. “I’m okay. There - there was a butterfly,” he explained, gesturing at the window vaguely. “I had to let it out.”

“A butterfly?” Buck looked confused. 

“My abuela always said butterflies were the spirits of people who’ve died,” Eddie explained. “I lit a candle for Shannon, and there was a butterfly just sitting on my pillow, when I came in here. It’s…” he paused. “It’s stupid.”  

Buck’s face softened. ‘It’s not stupid,” he shook his head. “You think it was Shannon?”

Eddie glanced at the window again. “I hope it was,” he admitted, taking a deep breath before he closed the window. That in itself felt like symbolism, Eddie decided - a closing of a chapter he should have let go a long time ago. That’s what he needed it to be, at least. “Wait - aren’t you meant to be on a date?”

Bcuk shrugged. “We changed the tickets to tomorrow,” he explained, holding up the bag of candy. “You said you weren’t going to make an altar, and I didn’t want to let you skip out on it. These were her favourite, right?” 

Eddie could cry all over again. Buck, like Shannon, hadn’t grown up with Dia de los Muertos, but here he was, with a bag of Eddie’s dead wife’s favourite candy, ready to sit in Eddie’s grief with him. Eddie wasn’t sure what he’d done in a previous life to deserve a friend like Evan Buckley, but he thanked whatever God or universe was listening for giving him Buck anyway.

“She’d eat so many she’d give herself a stomach-ache,” Eddie grinned, and the memory didn’t hurt, the way it used to, the grief a dull ache that he could grow around, now. He leaned into the embrace Buck offered, breathing in the familiar cedarwood scent of Buck’s favourite cologne. “Thanks. For being here.”

“Nowhere I’d rather be,” Buck hummed, pressing a ridiculous, loud, smacking kiss to the top of Eddie’s head. Eddie loved him. “But I’m buying you one of those electric candle warmers if you’re going to keep leaving candles unattended, Eddie.” 

Eddie was mostly listening as he let Buck guide him back to the living room, the candle still flickering golden in front of Shannon’s picture. It was the same one he’d put on her memorial programme - bright, and beautiful, just like she’d always been when she was alive. 

Buck grinned, as he set a piece of candy in front of her picture. “Berry,” he explained. “My favourite,” he added, tossing a handful of the sour sweets into his own mouth. 

They sat, the television playing reruns of a procedural in the background, eating candy until their stomachs hurt, the candle burning all the way to the end. 

The butterfly didn’t come back.

Buck stayed.

Eddie was ready to move on.

(Buck stayed.)

[gaytommykinard]

i dont care what canon tries to tell me and i don't care for how other people are trying to analyze 8x06

like I'm not buying into the idea that buck "idolised" his boyfriend and "didn't really know him" if you want me to accept buck has been dating a man for half a year and took no time to think about his own or tommy's identity and labels (yes even if he was to reach the dreaded “i don't care about labels” conclusion because ryan murphy productions are apparently allergic to the word bisexual) we're not going to get along idk

or whatever bullshit it is that buck couldn't say i love you but "rushed" to ask tommy to move in (and the idea that he was "inconsiderate" about tommy's house, sorry but that's literally all fanon, we don't know shit about Tommy's living situation other than that he has a big ass garage apparently. i promise you the writers were throwing "masculine" hobbies at tommy and trying to find common ground between him and eddie, you (we) have spent 6+ months thinking about tommy's house, the writers have spent 0 of that time on it) or that buck wouldn't be understanding of a closeted repressed gay man entering a heterosexual relationship with a woman as either an act of self preservation or succumbing to societal pressures. Michael Grant has been part of the canon storyline since s1. give me a fucking break.

like maybe I'm the only person who doesn't see this narrative as consistent with buck's character especially with the development it has gone through in s6 and s7 (and obviously i was foolish in hoping that canon would follow through with the development and not just uno reverse everything they've spent time setting up in previous seasons).

i feel like i have talked about the tommy side of things and the bottom line is that no matter how much meta we read and write the writing as it was presented to us in the episode is that tommy believes that because he is the first man that buck has dated he won't be his last and that their relationship is doomed because buck thinks everything is "new and exciting" and is essentially treating tommy as a shiny new toy. the only reasonable, plausible explanation for the things tommy said is that he's been in buck's position before and hurt someone he dated when he first came out. but again the writers aren't thinking about it as much as we are.

and while these lines are extremely biphobic, at least you can say it was the writing that was biphobic (just like the misogynist writing in the restaurant scene). you can say tommy was insecure (because he obviously is) so at least it doesn't butcher tommy's character.

buck, on the other hand? i don't know what happened to buck. we know that buck is tuned in to his loved ones’ struggles even when they don't voice them, he's shown this time and time again. he's perceptive and compassionate and non judgemental. buck cares so fucking much. nevermind the inconsistencies in the storytelling from 7x05 to 8x06. ignoring those. but this isn't the character we've seen for 8 seasons.

[diazsdimples]

My favourite Buddietommy HCs bc they should ALL get to be loved.

They buy a super king sized bed when they move in together because Buck starfishes and likes to be in the middle, and Tommy and Eddie don't like being kicked

BUT more often than not they'll all end up snuggled together anyways because they're like magnets and always drawn together.

Tommy doesn't like cooking, mainly because he's worse at it than Eddie, so Buck decides to teach them both how to cook. Tommy suddenly becomes very enthusiastic

Tommy and Eddie initially struggled to think of date ideas together but then they both figured out that neither of them need anything grand, and something as simple as sparring together is enough 90% of the time

Buck and Eddie have this weird twin telepathy thing going on, due to years of best friendism, and often this is used to rile Tommy up, such as both men pinning him down on the couch and ravishing him without so much as a word of warning.

Speaking of sex, they really do like their kinky stuff (all 3 men love domming and subbing equally) BUT they also love it when they have soft, kissy missionary sex and can just stare into each others' eyes like the lovey bitches they are

Eddie spends the first month of their relationship in a daze because he's loved Buck for years, has loved Tommy for a good long while too and he can't quite believe that he's lucky enough to have both of them

Buck has a weird thing that if he kisses one of his boyfriends, he'll feel off kilter until he kisses the other

Tommy likes woodworking and makes both men a carving of the animal he associates them with - Buck gets a Golden Retriever and Eddie gets a sleek looking cat

Christopher is locked in a neverending cycle of "I don't know, ask your dad" and it drives him insane

Eddie sends Tommy photos of Buck when he falls asleep on shift. They both have a folder of Sleepy Buck on their phones

On the flip side, Buck sends Tommy photos of whenever Eddie doesn't manage his facial expressions when he hears something stupid. They're in a folder in Tommy's phone called Judgemundo

Sometimes all the boys want to do is shove the couches together, make a pillow fort, and watch shitty Romcoms while consuming their weight in popcorn. Tommy always falls asleep during these times and Buck and Eddie tease him mercilessly for it. They find it so cute though

When Buck ends up in the ER, Tommy and Eddie work each other up so badly that Bobby nearly separates them so they'll calm down. He doesn't when he sees how tight they cling to one another, though

[saras-almanac]

So I’ve been sitting on my feelings about the BuckTommy breakup and handling of it for a while, trying to get my thoughts in order. And after a while of thinking on it—and the recent Lou interview dropping making me feel like my feelings are valid—kind of made me want to just blurt them all out and hope for the best. So this is that.

Ultimately the entire handling of the BuckTommy breakup feels cruel. And not just cruel in an intentional way, but cruel in a casually, not even given any thought cruelty, which is worse sometimes. And to be honest, I think that’s part of why I’ve been struggling with it so much. (That and the echoes of Magicians season 4, which if you know you know).

What I mean by cruelty is just the lack of any real effort or care put into this storyline, one that they had previously been handled with so much care and concern and were praised (rightly so) for at the time. It’s the way they introduce this Tommy as Abby’s ex thing, which makes hardly any sense at all, but also feels cruel in the intention of laughing at the invisible string of fate theory between them. It’s they way that they’re 6 months anniversary and not only have they not talked about this, but Buck (Evan Buckley) didn’t get him a gift that feels cruel because that feels so wildly out of character for him. It’s the way they had the break up play into some bisexual stereotypes at best and inherently biphobic at worst by having Maddie suggest Abby turned him gay or that Buck needs to “explore” things to figure out what he wants or that Buck “Doesn’t know what pond to jump back into” of it all. (Not to mention the comments from OS about wanting Buck to fuck—which I’m not getting into because I didn’t read it and as a bisexual woman, don’t feel the need to go and try to find something that might upset me more.)

All those reasons are why the breakup itself is cruel to the characters, but it’s also cruel to those of us watching, and especially to anyone and everyone who loved and/or related to the character of Tommy, who we see walk away much much worse off than when we found him. It’s the way the story (intentionally or not) is framing it like a romcom break up – make up – pining storyline which they apparently are not doing according to interviews. It’s the way they didn’t give any sort of closure to Tommy for the character or for the audience.

There’s a reason that people lose themselves in stories—it’s because they follow certain rules and contracts. It’s expected that stories do not match up to real life because while things don’t have bigger meanings in life or they don’t work out according to plan, in stories, everything happens for a reason. Because that’s the whole point of what you’re consuming. And along with that, emotional moments are meant to feel cathartic in a way, at least eventually, because you were able to see the bigger picture, to feel the finality to things, and to really understand what’s being said and what’s happening. This breakup does none of that and actually seems to have been included and rushed for shock value and that to me, is just shitty, lazy writing.

If you were going to break them up and have no desire for any sort of reunion or closure, why not make it intentional? Tommy could be the one who wants marriage and kids and settling down and Buck internally freaks out because theoretically he wants that but maybe it’s too soon and as much as Tommy loves Buck, he’s not going to wait around and hope that Buck feels the same for him because he’s been hurt too many times like that. Or Tommy could be leaving for another state because he’s no longer going to be a firefighter or needs to go for family reasons or gets a job at a different station that he applied for ages ago and he has everything all set up and isn’t going to ask Buck to leave his entire life for Tommy, so they decide to breakup even if it hurts both of them. In either of those cases, it’s sad and devastating, but at least there would be some closure to it and understanding of it for both the characters and the audience and some peace knowing that at least these two are going to be moving toward happiness in whatever way that means for them.

Instead, what we have, is a hail-mary last-second breakup that comes out of nowhere and feels abrupt and crappy in the way we leave Tommy specifically because we might never see him again. And that is the crux of the issue. Because the way this was written, the understanding is that they are going to get back together or reunion or at least have that final closure conversation—because that’s what happens in stories. We see this type of surprise breakups, breakups where they issue is they love each other too much and are afraid to go further (Athena/Bobby and Maddie/Chimney to name two examples we saw in universe) only to eventually fight to be together and realize that if they don’t take a chance they might never know how amazing it is. So the fact that it’s set up to follow this same path while nearly every interview is telling the opposite, again demonstrates that casual cruelty as well as an inherent failure on the writing. If you have to go in interview and explain what it is you wrote or are telling, then you have failed as a writer. It’s really as simple as that.

This breakup doesn’t feel set up or foreshadowed, it just feels like they added it on because they didn’t want to do anything more with it? And that feels incredibly crappy as a decision to so many people who related to Buck and Tommy and them coming out later in life and all those other things. I’m rambling and on my phone and feeling a lot of things that I can’t fully express right now, but the long and short of it: If this was always intended to be the final time we see Tommy, this breakup is even crueler than intended.

[buckleyblueyes]

yeah, yeah the Diaz family finding out about the Will would be juicy and dramatic, for sure. but you know what I kind of can't stop thinking about? Tommy finding out. Not only an outsider POV, but a queer outsider POV, seeing buddie at their most codependent? oh the drama potential.

Cause, at this point, from Tommy's POV he's dating this guy, and he knows he's really close with his bestie, and with his bestie's kid. but that's fine. they've been through a lot together and Tommy understands the bond that is often forged among first responders. and Buck's bond with Chris is sweet, makes him more attractive.

and then one day Eddie gets gravely injured and is hospitalized, and his boyfriend steps in to take care of his kid. no one in his life questions this. no one discusses it. it is assumed. it is natural. Buck knows exactly how to take care of Chris in Eddie's absence, how to navigate this house that isn't his, how to keep Chris's day to day going smoothly, in spite of it all. Buck is falling apart himself, but he pushes that aside to be there for this kid.

it surprises Tommy, because Eddie has mentioned an aunt who lives nearby, and after a couple days, Eddie's parents have flown in, and yet Buck is still staying with Chris. so Tommy asks, casually, if Chris doesn't have other family who could be taking care of him, if Buck has to be doing all this when he is clearly struggling himself. Buck just shrugs. "I mean, technically, but that's not what Eddie wants. it's not what I want, either."

what does that mean, that Eddie wants Buck to take care of Christopher? how does Buck know? so he prods further, not judgemental, but curious, not quite getting it. finally, Buck explains that Eddie put it in his will. if anything happens to him, Buck gets custody of Christopher. he explains, rather emotionally, how Eddie told him this after the last time he almost died, how Eddie trusted him to be there for Chris, to fight for him.

and Tommy has spent enough time with Eddie to know how much he loves his son, how serious this decision would be. that's Eddie's heart and soul on a silver platter. and suddenly, he understands. he looks at his boyfriend, eyes red from crying over another man. a man whose son he is caring for, whose house he is staying in, and he sees it with startling clarity.

and, in a reversal of bucktaylor getting together at the end of season four after Eddie was shot, this becomes the impetus for the (hopefully amicable) buck/tommy breakup.

[azaharinflames]

Hi! Can I say something controversial?

I think I’m the only person who doesn’t feel dissatisfied with bucks queer arc.

1. 911 is not queer media, it’s trying to be or seem like it’s progressive but it is what it is at the end of the day. It just won’t show us step by step coming out arc.

2. I’ll try to put it right, not to offend anyone, because I really don’t think that ppl are wrong and have every right to a good representation.

But sometimes it feels like there are boxes to be checked? You have to do research, you have to go to places, you have to find new queer friends, you have to label yourself., you have to struggle, you have to question. And it’s starting to feel like a job interview. But all my life Ive heard that there is not one right way to be queer.

And my story is pretty much. I’m bi? Cool. Like I read a thing here or there, or go to a place if the chance occurs and I feel like it. But not on purpose. I’m out to a couple of friends and coworkers but that’s it.

I’m not sure which Kinsey scale I am (sometimes I feel like 1, sometimes like 2,and on a rare occasion like 3). But I know who I am as a person and I’ll cross any issue that comes with being queer when I cross that bridge.

Maybe it seems like projection but my point is: it’s ok to want buck to go through a journey of self discovery but lately it feels like there is only one right way to do it. (Idk maybe I’m reading into it too much) And it kinda hurts.

Hope you understood what I tried to say. English is not my first and some thoughts could be lost in translation.

Hi, Nonnie! Your English was perfect, don’t sweat it. It’s not my first language either so I get it haha but you’re more than good.

I see your point! I definitely feel like there shouldn’t be any boxes to be checked when it comes to sexuality and identifying with something. I do understand what you’re trying to say, and with that I agree.

However-

I think the main issue here (at the very least, the main issue for me) is that they did build sort of the base of something in regards of Buck questioning his sexuality further, yet we all expect nothing to come of it, because (most likely) the show won’t ever do something about it or actually explore it.

Let me explain:

-Season 7 gave us an incredibly well done arc regarding Buck’s sexuality. He went through a small phase of thinking what it meant for him but it wasn’t something he over worried about. He’s bisexual (even when that is never explicitly stated in the show), he really likes Tommy (and they made an amazing point of showing how Buck likes him because of his masculinity, and not despite of it), and he’s dating him. By the end of the season, we see him comfortably flirting with his boyfriend.

And yet-

-806 painted a weird image. Because we see a Buck who has done no research (and hey, it’s not that weird in general! But it is weird if we take into consideration who Buck is as a character), a Buck that doesn’t even know what Tommy identifies as, a Buck that seems to just have realized he’s in a queer relationship almost. A Buck that still six months in is incapable of saying out loud he’s on a date, or that he’s bi. And I’m all for being unlabeled if that’s your preference. But I don’t think that’s the message wanting to be portrayed.

The issue overall (and again, my opinion. Please don’t hesitate to correct me if you think I’m wrong), the main issue, is that it feels like Buck regressed for no apparent or good reason at all. Yes, one can go through different cycles (in life and in relationships, regardless of gender or sexuality, it’s rather normal).

The issue is that just one episode before this regression wasn’t even hinted at. And I understand they wanted the break-up to ‘hurt’ (something I maintain was unnecessarily cruel, but oh well), but it was 1. whiplash and 2. just plain bad storytelling and writing. The issue, to say it bluntly, is that 806 felt like an AU, like some badly written one-shot that did not take into consideration anything that had happened before.

Overall - I do agree we should not expect 911 to be queer media. But I don’t think the main issue was us expecting that and them failing to deliver. At the end of the day, my opinion is that they failed to deliver a good storyline and one that felt true to the character(s), and that’s why everyone is so upset still.

And yeah, I’m not ignoring everyone’s also upset because they chose to give an unfairly sad and cruel ending to a queer character that had been hated on by a group of homophobic, misogynistic assholes for months. And at the end of an already very sad week and very sad few months. Their treatment of this queer character and couple was the straw that broke the camel’s back for a lot of people.

But overall? I don’t think people were mainly mad for 911 not being queer media. They were mad because of how the show played them and how cruel it all felt.

(Sorry if my rant at any point sounded a bit aggressive btw! Not directed at you if you felt that. I’m just passionate about this lmao. Also sorry bc it got long)

anyway! Love to receive controversial takes, so thank you. my inbox is open for ranting, venting, giving your opinions (popular or unpopular ones) and even confessions!

Take care <3

ps: week was crazy, but tomorrow i promise to go over some posts i have on my drafts hehe 🫶🏻

[cosyvelvetorchid]

I love the fic idea of the team finding out that Buck and Tommy are dating because one of them gets injured at an incident that both stations responded to and the other one looses their mind when they find out

Thank you for the prompt. I made a slight change to it but I think (hope) you'll like it 😊

If anybody else has promt ideas btw, send to my ask and I'll write some more!

Also this was supposed to be a short one but I got carried away 😂

****

Buck was never a fan of weighted blankets. He'd tried once once but felt like he was suffocating under it and then had to give birth himself to get out. Maddie had told him that he probably just had one that was the wrong weight for him and that he just had to find the right one. Turns out she was right. He did eventually find the right one.

His name was Tommy.

He was beginning to get used to waking up to a scratchy face buried into his neck and a thick muscular arm draped across his chest. Every time he awoke in this position, it was a struggle to get out of bed. Not just because he was in a weaker, sleepier state and didn't have the strength to move Tommy, but also because he didn't want to.

He couldn't remember a time when waking up with a previous partner and feeling this happy. He wasn't concerned about his morning breath that Taylor always complained about or his dishevelled curls sticking out all over the place that Ali laighed at. Or even his morning wood, which Natalia always made fun of him for. He knew she was doing so playfully, but it tapped into that deep-rooted anxiety he had about not being good enough.

But Tommy didn't complain about those things. He'd kiss Buck every morning - Buck had stopped trying to automatically push away from the kiss, declaring that he needed to brush his teeth first because Tommy truly didn't care. He'd sometimes wake Buck up by running his fingers through his hair. As for the morning wood.. Tommy had no business complaining about that as he was just as guilty.

Tommy stirred and hummed into Bucks neck, pulling Buck into him. Buck turned slightly and pushed his back into Tommy's chest.

"Mmmm-morning, babe." Tommy mumbled

"Mornin" Buck replied lifting Tommy's hand from his chest to kiss it. An asteroid hurtling to earth couldn't seperate them Buck thought. Until the asteroid hit in the form of a reminder from Tommy.

"What time is Eddie picking you up?"

He'd forgotten that Eddie had offered to pick Buck up for work while his Jeep was in the shop. Tommy's late night visit was impromptu. He'd had a rough shift and wanted to see Buck. He wasn't planning on staying the night but they were both exhausted, so a quick visit turned into a literal sleepover.

"He'll be here in.." He reached out to look at his phone; eyes squinting at the brightness. "About 30 minutes."

"Boooooo" Tommy complained into Bucks neck and he laughed. "I better get going." He added shifting away from Buck to sit on the edge of the bed. Buck felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry, Tommy." Tommy turned and placed a hand on Bucks chest.

"Hey. We talked about this - it's okay. We go at your pace, remember? If you're not ready to tell them about us, about you then that's okay. No rush, babe." He leaned down and kissed Buck gently. Buck immediately put his hands around Tommy's neck to deepen the kiss. Tommy, through all his strength, removed Bucks' hands and broke the kiss.

"Don't even think about it." He teased getting off the bed.

"Spoil sport."

***

It had been four days since they had seen each other. Buck hated it; felt like that missing piece of himself that he'd found when he'd met Tommy was missing every time he wasn't with him.

"Earth to Buckeroo." Chimney clicked his fingers in front of Buck face. He looked up to see the whole team staring at him from around the table.

"What is with you lately? You're lost in your own world more than usual?" Hen asked.

"Oh-uh.. nothing. Just..uh.. I'm not sleeping great lately." Another pang of guilt fizzed in his stomach. He hated lying to everybody. He knew they would be absolutely fine with him dating Tommy - after inevitably ribbing him incessantly, of course - it wasn't that. It was just that this was all so new to him, and while he was sure about his feelings, he just wanted more time to settle into them.

Bobby made a welcome subject change.

"Don't forget with the Santa Anas on their way it might be a rough one for a couple days so keep alert, rest when you can and most importantly-" He gestured to the table full of food in front of them "-eat."

***

Bobby wasn't kidding. 18 hours into their 24 and they'd barely had time to rest. 3 fires, a tree falling onto a car and house, and a 4 car pile up. No sooner had they returned to the station the bell rang once again.

"Where we going cap?"

"We've been asked to assist Harbor Station with fire suppression at the edge of Angeles forest."

Bucks heartrate immediately raised at the mention of Harbor Station. Realistically, he knew he probably wouldn't see Tommy - he'd be up in the air - but he was still excited.

"What are you smiling at?" Eddie asked him. Buck really needed to tell his face to stop emoting.

"I'm not smiling." He argued. Eddie and Chimney shared a look. Buck didn't notice.

***

"The explosion happened in the factory approximately 6 hours ago and spread to the homes nearby. No deaths so far. Couple of minor injuries and alot of smoke inhilation. The 133 and 127 are focusing on the factory, 144 and 156 are working on the houses and we have 217 Harbor station doing water drops - I need you guys to keep the fire from reaching the tree line. With how dry it's been lately, those trees go up and were looking at a major forest fire." Chief Alonso told them.

With jobs assigned and gear on they got to work. 1 factory, 5 cars and 9 houses - this fire was a beast Buck thought. He wasn't sure the flush he felt was because of the reminder of the wedding or from the fire.

"Attention all units! This is Firefighter Kinard-" Bucks heart flipped in his chest "-217 is inbound with fire suppression. Take appropriate cover, over."

"Copy that 217, over. Everybody under the trucks now!" Bobby commanded. Everybody scrambled underneath the engines as the force of the water falling on top made them shake.

Buck emerged from cover, immediately looking up, trying to spot Tommys plane. He caught the tail end of it and smiled to himself. This time, his mask covering it.

Everyone's radios crackled into life with the words no firefighter wants to hear.

"Mayday mayday! This is firefighter Kinard. We have lost all power. Plane is going down. I-" silence.

For a moment, Bucks' heart stopped. As did everything else around him. No sound, so movement, no nothing. He had only just found him. His life was only just complete. Not now. Please, god, not now.

"This is Captain Nash. Come in 217, over." Nothing. "Firefighter Kinard, come in, over." Silence again.

Somehow Buck found the strength to bring his brain back to life.

"Cap, we gotta get to him-them" He corrected. Bobby went to say something, but Buck didn't give him a chance. "It's Tommy he's.. he was 118, right? Doesn't that make him family?"

Bobby contemplated Bucks' words. Hen, in the end, convinced Cap with a look and a head tilt. She agreed with Buck.

"Hen, you take Buck and Eddie. Chim, you're here with me. Go!"

Buck got into the engine before anybody else. Adrenaline coursed through his body. He didn't know if he wanted to scream, cry, or vomit.

News came in over the radio that the plane had crashed 3 miles away in a field. As the engine turned and raced along side of the field, they got a look at the plane.

It was still intact. As much as it could have been. One wing has broken off and there were holes and scrapes along its sides but no fire. Thank god. Hen radioed for an ambulance as Buck and Eddie ran over to the plane. Its nose was tilted up.

"I can't see inside!" Buck cried out. He tried opening the door but couldn't. It was jammed.

"I'll get the saw, hold on!" Eddie told him, running back to the engine. Buck tried grabbing and pulling and kicking the door to try and open it. A twinge reverberated through his ankle on that last kick, but he didn't notice; too desperate to get inside.

Then he remembered something Tommy had told him once about an emergency hatch underneath. He crawled underneath the belly of the plane and spotted it towards the front end. Thankfully, it didn't take a lot of force to push it up, and quickly, he was hoisting himself inside. He immediately headed for the cockpit.

"Tommy!" He yelled out, voice cracking.

"Evan?" Came the muffled reply. Buck pulled the cockpit door open and saw Tommy still his seat.

"Tommy!" He cried out again, kneeling next to him, eyes scanning the damage. Blood was dripping from a small wound on his forehead. His right hand was holding his stomach as his left held his right shoulder. "Oh my god, are you okay?" His hands hovered over Tommys body continually moving, not knowing where to place them for fear of causing him pain. Tommy shifted, trying to look at Buck and winced.

"Argh! Yeah.. Pretty sure I've.. broken some ribs and.. definitely dislocated my sh-shoulder." Bucks' heart broke a little at the sight as he inspected Tommy's head wound.

"I'm fine, Evan. You need to look at him." He winced again as he gestured behind Buck. Buck turned and suddenly noticed the co-pilot unconscious in the other seat. He'd been so focused on Tommy that he hadn't noticed someone else was there.

"I.. I checked his pulse.. a little up there, but.. but not too much. Breathing is.. is steady, and.."

"I got him, I got him." Buck interrupted over the sounds of Eddie pushing a saw blade through the door. He made quick work of it and was quickly appearing in the cock pit.

"Tommy, man, you alright?"

"I'll live," He replied, hissing in pain. 15 minutes later, the co-pilot was backboarded out of the plane, and Tommy was arguing with Buck about needing his own backboard.

"Tommy you don't know what other injuries you might have! You know the protocol." Buck argued

"You mean the protocol you ignored by leaving a fire to come here?"

"That.. that's different. I-I thought you were.." He couldn't finish sentence. Tears pricked at his eyes and he looked down trying to hide.

Three months. That's how long he had known Tommy, and in that short space of time, he had rooted himself into Bucks heart.

Tommy let go of his ribs for a second, bringing his left hand to Bucks face. He looked up to see Tommy trying to force a smile through his pain.

"I'm really okay." He said softly. "I won't be doing anything strenuous for a while, but I'm okay." A thumb brushed away a tear that had fallen down Bucks cheek.

"You ready, Tommy?" Hen called as she approached the cockpit. Buck sniffed and coughed away his emotions.

"Y-yeah he's good to go." He saw the backboard in Hens' hands. "He won't need that." Hen opened her mouth, but Buck stopped her. "Trust me, I've tried."

***

Tommy had correctly diagnosed himself with 2 broken ribs and a shoulder dislocation. An arm in a sling and a few stitches to his head, he laid on the hospital bed sleeping. Buck was sat, chair pulled as close to the bed as possible (he absolutely would have been in the bed with his arms wrapped around him if he could have), stroking small circles into Tommy's hand with his thumb. His hand lightly gripped Bucks, letting him know he was awake.

"Hey." He smiled

"Hey you." Buck tried smiling back but his face couldn't help morph back into something else. "How you feeling?"

"Like I was in a plane crash." He deadpanned. Buck laughed.

"Any idea when they're going to spring you from this joint?"

"They want to observe me over night, and if a is well tomorrow morning."

"Good. Good." Bucks brows furrowed.

"Whats wrong?"

"N-nothing." Even he would admit he sucked at lying.

"Evan." Tommy argued. Buck let out a breath of air.

"I-i just.. I finally understand what my exes were all talking about. When I heard your mayday call I.. I.. " Tommy squeezed his hand.

"Evan, I'm really okay. It's more than okay right now, but that might be the morphine." He added in an attempt to lighten the mood. Buck allowed himself to laugh. But then Tommy face slowly changed to a more serious one.

"Evan.. I am okay yes, but.. with what we both do.. you know there are going to be more moments like this, right? Where either of us could get hurt? If.. if being with me is too going to be too much.."

Buck immediately stopped him.

"No. No, it's not too much. Being with you is never too much. I know that when this started, I wasn't sure about myself and what I wanted, but I am sure about this. About you - I'm not going anywhere." He stood up and placed a gentle kiss onto Tommy's lips.

The nurse insisted he leave a few minutes later to give Tommy a chance to rest. He would be dichaged tomorrow morning, and Buck would pick him up. He'd forgotten his Jeep was in the shop, but he didn't care - he'd find a way. Reluctantly leaving Tommy, he made his way towards the hospital exit only to find Bobby, Chimney, Hen, Eddie, and Ravi in the waiting area.

"W-what are you guys still doing here?"

"We wanted to see if your boyfriend was okay." Chimney replied

"Yeah he's- what?"

Boyfriend. Chimney said boyfriend.

"You didn't think we knew?" Hen teased. All of them stood with smirks on their faces.

"H-how? When?"

"I knew pretty much from the beginning." Hen told him.

"Gaydar." He nodded.

"No!" She lightly slapped his arm. "It was the incessant questions about how i knew I was into women and what it was like for me coming out. And when your eyes starting lighting up when Tommy's name was mentioned in conversation, I knew that he was the reason."

"I saw him driving out of your parking lot when I came to pick you up a few days ago. Why else would he be leaving your place at 6am?" Eddie raising an eyebrow with a smirk.

"Your sister and I realised when you wouldn't shut up about him." Chimney explained.

"What about you, Bobby?" Buck asked.

"The look in your eyes when his radio call came in. I never would have let you guys go to help otherwise." Buck gave a half embarrassed smile. His eyes moved to Ravi.

"Oh I had no idea until now."

"I-im sorry I didn't tell you guys. I just.. its all so new and.."

"Are you happy?" Bobby asked. Buck sighed and smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah I am."

"Then that's all that matters, kid." Bobby gave him a fatherly hand on the shoulder, and Buck immediately felt all his fear and apprehension melt away.

He was happy. Finally.

[canichangemyblogname]

“The show isn’t going to cater to your fan fiction fantasy 🤣.”

Yeah… no. See, that’s not the issue. 1.) I don’t read fanfiction; can also barely write it, 2.) the issue 100% is that this was very clearly intended to come out of the blue, but because it seems increasingly likely LFJ isn’t returning to the show, there is a lack of resolution. This breakup is result of Tommy’s insecurities in the relationship. He feels he’s gonna get left behind; have his heart broken. The breakup even surprises Tommy. It blindsides Buck, a character who has long been characterized by a listlessness and a lack of defined vision for his future. When his boyfriend breaks up with him because he doesn’t believe that Buck can actually see him in his future, the narratively weighty thing is for the characters to later—after processing this breakup and struggling with competing wants—confront that. But that seems so incredibly unlikely, so it feels more like they kiboshed this for some external reason rather than a narrative one.

Then there’s an issue with the follow through with themes. If this is the end-end— and that seems likely with LFJ’s departure from the show—there’s a lack of follow through on reoccurring themes in the show, like second chances, making one’s own happiness, and how “our people” make life worth it. If the goal is Buck’s return to a 1.0 era, that would be a stark and sharp character regression instead of growth for a character who has come a long way over 8 seasons, which is not narratively satisfying. And when it’s ONLY the bisexual character who ever gets arcs like this, and it’s explicitly because of some “he doesn’t know what he really wants” or “he can’t commit,” then the story isn’t original; it’s a stereotype. There’s also then a very jarring lack of follow through on changes to structure and style they had been planning to explore, like finding ways to integrate a Love Interest into non-romance and non-relationship storylines, being able to expand these characters through professional scenarios together, and that whole thing about Buck getting off the “hamster wheel.” All of these hinted at major structural changes to the way the show writes secondary characters, which would also have major implications for characters like Karen and Josh. This sort of shift, understandably, gets viewers invested in a new era of an EIGHT season show, and disappointed when these structural changes fail (repeatedly, may I add) to manifest.

It’s disappointing because it seems—due to casting changes beyond their control and of no fault of anyone— there won’t be any follow through on this purposefully sudden breakup. Even some upcoming confrontation between the characters could wrap up the tension left in the air. The narrative doesn’t need tropes or some rom-com ending to be narratively satisfying! It can end tragically and still fee resolved.

Most fans’ issue with this is that they did this for the short-term drama, not for the long-term story telling.

—Sincerely, a novelist (a VERY different writing form) who writes tragedies and recently finished a gay romantic tragedy that ends—well—with a break up.

[911onem]

Buck let out a deep sigh, eyes fluttering closed as he leaned his forehead heavily into his fist. The weight caused his elbow to dig deeper into the wooden table, legs creaking loudly across the room drawing a pause from Tommy at the stove.

“Sweetheart, you alright?”

He shrugged, pulling his pen up to his lips to chew lightly at the lid as his eyelids pried themselves back open and he stared at the pile of papers in front of him.

“Yeah, for now.”

There was a soft chuckle, footsteps getting closer before a set of heavy palms were on his shoulders, thumbs digging into his skin in a way that had him moaning and leaning back against the chair.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

His head hit the back of the seat as he locked eyes with his boyfriend, wiggling until he was a little more comfortable and Tommy was massaging in just the right spot.

“My rent is going up again.”

Something akin to understanding flooded his eyes, staring at Buck with a gentle smile before he dropped a kiss against his forehead. Buck was trying not to stress, but this seemed to be an ongoing pattern with his building and this next increase is beginning to push him into an uncomfortable position. His bills were already tight, but he was now on the line of restricting how much was going into his savings and stress was starting to grow heavier on his shoulders.

“I see, I don’t miss those days, especially now.”

“I just,” he sighed again, struggling to find the words, “worry about how much longer I am going to be able to afford to live here. The other options if I had to downgrade are across the city and it's so much farther from work.” His tone was borderline whiny, a pout gracing his lips as he turned to press a gentle kiss against Tommy’s hand. “And from you.”

“How tight are you on money?”

“I mean, I have my savings. I don’t have anyone else I have to provide for, my other bills are still borderline reasonable, but the next increase could really put me in a rough spot. I knew when I moved to LA it would be expensive, but these last few years have been getting ridiculously expensive and at a pace I didn't see coming until it was too late.”

The hands pulled away after a few minutes, finding his back and pushing him upward until he was on his feet, watching Tommy take his chair. Before he could open his mouth the hands were on his waist, dragging him to sit on his boyfriend's thigh as arms circled around him to sift through his papers. He took the moment to lean back into his chest, tucking his forehead into the man's neck as he eyed the red letters printed boldly under the thick fingers.

“Baby.. this doesn’t look like you’re one increase away, this looks like you’re one month away. I don’t understand why your rent is so high.”

The body around him tensed, forearms brushing against him as they reached farther for the paperwork that had fallen a little further away from his grasp.

“Jesus, this is robbery, what was your rent when you moved in?”

Buck swallowed heavily, looking around his space and forcing himself to take a deep breath as Tommy sat up a little taller.

“I just couldn’t bring myself to let go of this place. It was my first real home here, I watched Christopher grow up here, and Jee. I’m proud of this apartment and I really don’t want to lose it.”

A soft kiss fell against his curls as Tommy gently set down the paperwork, arms circling his waist and dragging their bodies together until Buck could feel his breath against the side of his face. It was warm, intimate, and he couldn’t help but mourn as he realized that he wouldn’t be in this loft for much longer.

“With how our shifts go, Tommy, if I lived farther away I wouldn’t be able to see you as often as the little time we have now. I can’t race over for dinner, or sleep over impulsively with the chance to run home the next morning before work. Its too far- And I’ll be so far from Maddie, the traffic in that direction is a nightmare and it’s probably gonna add another forty minutes there and back to my day.”

“Well, when is your next pay increase? I know the department has been working on a new salary for a few stations across LA. Weren’t you guys included in that?”

“Yeah, but that's not until the end of the year. This increase starts at the beginning of next month.”

“Alright, how about you tell me how much you need and I’ll help you.”

Buck forced out a laugh, grabbing Tommy’s wrist and letting his thumb sweep against his skin as he shook his head.

“It’s not that simple. It’d be at least a couple grand just to keep me afloat. Like I said, I have savings, but-”

“How about we start with 10?”

It didn’t hit him until another minute, body shooting up drawing Tommy’s head to pull backwards just in the nick of time. They barely avoided collision, but he could only focus on the serious look on Tommy’s face as he watched him. “Jesus, babe-”

“Ten what? Ten thousand? Are you crazy?”

Tommy’s confused smirk was followed by a tilt of his head, eyes searching his for a second before he asked, “What? Is that not enough?”

Read the rest here 👇🏽

[weewookinard]

I know you said fluffy, this is more smutty, but still happy I promise.

We all know Buck and Tommy are masc4masc, horny4horny, freak4freak, but the reason why they're each other's best ever sexual experience is because they're also goofy4goofy.

Both big beefy firefighters, they're used to being expected to act a certain way, to play a certain role in a sexual relation. They're no strangers to kinks either. What's precious about them is that they feel safe enough to enjoy sex with one another for what it is, without any pressure to preform, and sometimes it means laughing and goofing off mid-act.

Buck is lying on his back in bed, Tommy is bouncing up and down on his cock with near perfect cadence. While Buck enjoys being sloppy, getting lost in the feelings when he bottoms, Tommy never struggles to maintain control when he does, like an expert lap dancer.

Tommy's leaking cock gentle slaps onto Buck's stomach every time their bodies meet. This erotic picture almost makes Buck come on the spot, but then Tommy introduces some circling motion to his hip movement, Buck can't help but close his eyes and throw his head back at the new sensation.

When Buck opens his eyes, he stares at Tommy's cock for a bit, then suddenly turns his head to the side and covers his own face with his hands. Tommy gets a little worried seeing Buck's shoulders shaking, but he merely slows down his pace. They've both seen each other cry during sex before, it's not a big deal, sometimes it gets emotion or it's just hormones doing weird things after a magnificent orgasm.

"You okay, Evan? Want me to stop?" Tommy asks in concern.

"No, don't stop. It's... it's fine," Buck finally takes his hands off his face. While he does have tears in his eyes, he's not sobbing, he's laughing so hard that he tears up.

"What's going on?"

Buck points at Tommy's dick, now spinning around in circles, "it's a... hahaha... it's a helicopter."

Tommy looks down, and yeah, it is kind of funny.

"Wait wait wait, get off, I want to try it myself," Buck pulls out and flips them around so that Tommy is on his back this time.

It takes Buck a few minutes to get the hang of the spin, but he's so proud of himself when he finally gets it.

"Look, Tommy, I'm the pilot now!" Buck's chuckle is soon cut short by a moan, "ahh... wow, this actually feels amazing."

"Don't stop, baby. Keep it in the air."

in France we call this hélicobite and i think that's beautiful 🥲🥲

but for real, i am a fan of this Cee!! my husband and i we laugh a lot when we have sex and sex should be fun and relaxing!

which might not have been the case for Tommy before he met Evan! Sex is supposed to be sexy for a strong man like him, almost animalistic, and shit, and at first he believed it too because he only knew gay sex through porn. what he has with Evan? you don't find it (in porn movies) son, you make it (happily, messily, perfectly ❤️)

[exhaustedpirate]

someone to take care of you

my offering for day 1 of @bucktommyfluffebruary decided to make tommy even more exhausted than he was on the hospital scene so that buck has to manhandle his boyfriend ¯_(ツ)_/¯ basically tommy was fighting a wildfire for three days and buck takes care of him when he gets back!

rated T | 2918 words also on AO3

Tommy hasn’t had a proper rest for the past 72 hours.

He is aching, burning, he is in agony. His bones ache under his skin, his muscles burn from exhaustion and his body is begging him for rest.

He doesn’t remember getting home until he is standing in his driveway, an engine full of equally tired firefighters carefully driving down the street. He takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with smoke-free air and forces himself to leave behind the hell he just escaped.

Tommy passes by an unusual Jeep parked in his driveway while he drags his feet towards his front door, his brain struggling to give him the answers he needs. It’s only when the door opens before he can muster the strength to take the keys from his pocket that it hits him.

Evan.

Whose brow is furrowed with worry and whose mouth is a mix of contentment and concern. He is wearing one of Tommy’s shirts and gym shorts, both in a rumpled state. He smells of sweat and cleaning products and it takes him another second - Evan has a key.

Of course he does, they exchanged keys the week before. Tommy had told him that he would be on call in the midst of wildfire season and the way Evan’s face had been the definition of worry had tugged at something in his heart. It was easy to pluck the spare key from the drawer and pass it to Evan, it was easier still to add his spare key to his keychain. 

It’s both a blessing and a curse to see his boyfriend of two months. 

As Tommy wraps his arms around Evan and buries his face on his neck feeling the way the other man’s arms wrap around him just as tightly, he finds himself elated to not have to ask for this, to have his presence so conveniently within reach. But as he clings and melts in the warmth, Tommy feels his exhaustion settle deeper in his bones, chastises himself for being tired, for not taking advantage of every moment spent with Evan, of not being present.

“I’m so happy you’re back,” Evan whispers in his ear, worry giving way to relief, his fingers digging into the sweaty strands of Tommy’s hair. “I saw the news and as soon as I was off I came here,” There is apprehension in his voice as if concerned he might be too much but Tommy just grabs him tighter. “I cleaned your whole house.”

Tommy lets out a tired laugh against the skin of his neck before kissing it, feeling the way Evan shivers under it. He understands the concern, the worry, the desperation. There were many times he wanted to drive towards the 118 after hearing some of their crazier rescues on TV or over dispatch but stopped himself - focused on work, tinkered around a car or punched his worries away. Something warm settles in his chest when he realises he gave Evan the confidence to seek him out, to ask for more.

“I’m very happy that you’re here,” Evan’s body relaxes at his confession and he buries his face on his neck, uncaring for the smell of smoke and sweat. “But I don’t know if I’ll be the best company today.”

Evan breaks the hug and smiles at the soft whine of protest that leaves him unbidden. His hands cup Tommy’s cheeks and he closes his eyes at the way Evan’s thumbs caress the bags under his eyes. 

“I’m off for the next 36 hours,” Evan explains and Tommy opens his eyes, giving his boyfriend all his remaining attention. “I’d like to take care of you.” His tone is shy and it clenches something in Tommy’s chest. 

He’s not used to being taken care of. 

“Evan-”

“You took care of me before,” The other man interrupts his half-hearted protest, finger over his lips. “I want to take care of you too.”

How can he say no to that?

His eyes are wide, unsure whether to believe Evan’s words, the determination in his eyes, the strength in his tone. But he nods, his exhaustion letting that part of him that craves, that yearns, take over his decision. Evan’s smile is blinding and it soothes an ache inside him.

His boyfriend takes his hands and pulls him inside his house, the smell of cleaning supplies and air freshener in every square inch. Evan’s presence is noticeable all around, his boots now sit neatly next to the other man’s shoes, there’s a book he doesn’t recognise on his coffee table and a coat on the back of a kitchen chair. Evan is taking space in his home.

Tommy wishes he would take it all.

Thankfully, he doesn’t say what his sleep-addled mind fantasizes and simply lets Evan guide him towards the second floor and into the bathroom. His eyes blink into awareness as he’s sat on the closed toilet lid, and he looks up at the other man realising that he’d asked him a question.

“Wh-What did you say?”

Evan’s patient smile only makes him feel worse. How can he have such a wonderful man in his house without paying him every drop of attention?

Hands on his cheeks interrupt his chastising thoughts. Evan kisses his forehead, his nose, his cheeks and finally a chaste kiss to his lips. Something inside him purrs at the care, at the affection and he feels that little bubble of shame pop into nothingness. 

“I asked if you wanted help taking off your clothes so you can take a shower.”

He blinks his eyes a few times before he slowly pulls off his coat, slow movements like moving through sand and when it’s off, there is a small pinch to the other man’s brow. Tommy takes a breath before pulling up his t-shirt. It goes over his head and he notices that Evan is closer than before. Oh, he helped him.

Evan watches him a second before he nods resolutely. “I’m showering with you.” He declares, pulling off his (Tommy’s) shirt.

“Evan, no,” Tommy protests even as his eyes roam the naked expanse of his boyfriend’s chest. “I’m capable of showering by myself.”

“Tommy,” The other man’s tone is patient but he raises an unimpressed eyebrow as he places his hands on his hips. “I feel like you’re going to fall in the shower if I leave you alone in there and I really don’t want anyone from the LAFD to see your dick except me.”

Tommy lets out a surprised guffaw and Evan’s lips twitch as he tries to keep the chastising expression on his face. He looks up at his boyfriend with a soft smile. “You really don’t have to, babe.”

“I want to,” Evan’s face softens and he helps Tommy to his feet. “Besides, I smell like bleach and sweat, not exactly a sexy combination.”

“I don’t know,” Tommy sways closer to his boyfriend, maybe on purpose, maybe accidentally. “You always smell great to me.”

Evan laughs as their noses bump into each other, a betraying blush covering his cheeks. “You look like you’re five seconds away from falling asleep, Tom, you have no purpose being so charming.”

Tommy laughs with Evan, nodding in reluctant agreement. There’s a press of lips against his before his boyfriend begins unbuttoning his trousers, letting them fall to his feet before pulling down his boxer briefs. With a stabilizing hand on the sink, Tommy steps out of the fabric pooled at his ankles with Evan’s help. While crouched, the other man also takes off his socks and, even naked, Tommy still feels the weight of the past few days.

Evan stands and holds his hands to help him into the shower base. He feels a little annoyed at needing so much help, at feeling so useless and weak but then he looks at Evan’s face, the soft look in his eyes, that beautiful smile and he forces that part down, pushes it away.

It’s okay to ask for help, his therapist once told him. It’s okay to let others take care of you.

His boyfriend discards his clothes quickly so he can join him. Evan turns on the water and carefully maneuvers Tommy under the spray once it's hot enough. It feels so good that Tommy lets out a contented moan. His bones melt under the warmth and he feels Evan’s chuckle like a cold drink in a hot summer or whatever other ridiculous thoughts come to mind when his boyfriend laughs.

“That feel good?”

Tommy hums as Evan joins him under the spray, their bodies close together and he has never been so happy that he upgraded to the wide shower head when he redid the bathroom. Evan had also been very pleased to see the size of his shower the first time he came over, they have found many satisfying ways to make use of the space.

It feels different now, to be so close, so naked and wet and to feel so cared for, without any expectations. All he needs to do is stand there as Evan grabs his shampoo and massages his scalp. It draws another moan from his lips and he takes hold of the other man’s hips with how much he sways in place.

Tommy lets himself be moved, lets Evan run through every inch of his skin with a loofah, lets the scent of his citrusy shower gel fill his nose. He lets himself enjoy the closeness of Evan’s body, his careful touches, his soft words, their chaste kisses. Everything is soft, warm, relaxing and he would really like to have this all the time.

The water shuts off and Tommy blinks his eyes open to look at Evan’s smile. Such a good smile. His boyfriend blushes and he realises he must have said it out loud. But Evan presses their lips together to stop any excuses or apologies to come out of Tommy’s mouth. Probably for the best.

“Don’t worry, babe, nothing you say while you’re this sleep-deprived will be admissible in a court of law.” Evan giggles and Tommy bites the inside of his lip to stop himself from gushing over it.

Evan helps him out of the shower and begins to towel-dry him. There’s still that niggling voice yelling at him for his ineptitude but then his boyfriend will smile up at him and that voice gets quieter and quieter.

It’s okay to let others take care of you.

Tommy has a towel wrapped around his waist and lets Evan guide him to his bedroom and groans as he sits on the bed, his body no longer used to the softness of the seat. He is flagging and Evan must know it because in no time, Tommy is wearing soft and clean clothes and he flutters his eyes awake to see Evan already wearing one of his hoodies and sweats. God, he looks good.

Tommy groans inwardly when Evan blushes again. “I have no control over this.” He mutters as an apology.

Evan smiles softly and runs his fingers down the side of Tommy’s face, he hums in pleasure at the touch. “I’m not complaining.” 

“I promise I’ll compliment you so much more when I can actually think again.”

Evan laughs and that warm feeling nestles in his chest. “I’ll remind you of that promise when you can actually think again,” Tommy nods and sighs at the soft kiss planted on his forehead. “Think you can stay awake long enough to eat one of the bacon muffins I made?”

“You made muffins?” Tommy mumbles and his stomach grumbles at the thought of food.

“I got an alert about the wind shifting directions and scrubbing the kitchen grout wasn’t getting the job done anymore,” Evan pulls him up to his feet and kisses the concerned wrinkles of his frown. “I made bacon, chocolate and rhubarb muffins,” He scratches at the back of his neck looking away with a blush. “Your freezer is a little full now.”

Tommy grins, incredibly fond of the man in front of him. He pulls his face up to by the chin to land a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s lips. Evan sighs into the kiss and his shoulders relax. “I can’t wait to try them all, babe.”

Evan grins and lands a smacking kiss on Tommy’s lips that makes him laugh. “Come on, then!”

He’s seated at the kitchen table before he knows what’s going on. There was definitely a lot of stress-cleaning going on, his oven looks like it just came out of the store. But, despite the satisfaction of a clean house, all he sees is the stress he put Evan through. 

He thinks of oil stains in his hands. Of muscles aching from overwork. Of the beaten up state of his punching bags. Wonders if Evan would see the same.

The microwave beeps and then there’s the smell of a warm muffin in front of him, bacon wafting up to his nose. His mouth waters and the first bite is divine and he lets out a moan to show it. Tommy is only able to see Evan’s proud grin when he’s finished, licking his fingers to get the last of the taste.

“Good?” Evan asks, approaching him and running his fingers through his damp hair. 

Tommy wraps his arms around Evan’s waist, resting his chin on his belly and closing his eyes at the caress. “So good.”

Evan bends down to kiss his forehead, fingernails scraping pleasantly on his scalp and he hums sleepily. “I think I should get you into bed before you pass out.”

“That’s very forward of you, Evan Buckley,” Tommy mumbles, eyebrow raised even with his eyes shut. “I’m not that easy.”

Evan giggles and Tommy feels a small smile on his lips. “Alright, Thomas Kinard, I won’t take advantage of you.”

“Good,” Tommy forces his eyes open when Evan urges him to stand and accepts the soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “My boyfriend would kick your ass.”

Evan grins and pulls him towards the stairs again. “He would?”

“Oh yeah,” Tommy returns the grin, clinging to the last remaining energy the muffin gave him. “He’s got big muscles and these long ass legs, the whole package.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Evan is blushing even as he keeps the smirk on his face. “I think I could take him, you’re worth fighting for.” 

Tommy’s breath hitches at the honesty in his voice.

His boyfriend’s blush goes down his neck and he’s fairly sure it’s spread to his chest, he clears his throat. “You should brush your teeth before bed.”

Tommy goes in a haze, automatically brushing his teeth as his mind rushes through the idea that Evan would fight for him, that he was worth fighting for, worth keeping. Uh.

He walks into the bedroom to find Evan sitting at the foot of the bed, teeth sinking into his bottom lip. Maybe he wasn’t expecting it either, maybe he regretted it.

“Evan-”

“I mean it,” Evan blurts out and Tommy quiets. “I did but we don’t need to talk about it tonight,” He stands from the bed to take his hands and pulls him towards the bed. “You need sleep and so do I.”

Maybe it wasn’t the time for a talk, Tommy was sure that he shouldn’t be trusted with words at the moment. But he didn’t want it to go unnoticed. He presses his lips to Evan’s in a soft kiss.

“Thank you,” He whispers. “Not just for your words but for taking care of me.”

“You don’t have to-” 

Tommy kisses him again, this time with more fervor, interrupting him. “Thank you.”

Evan nods and directs them to bed. The sheets are cold but they smell clean and fruity and his boyfriend is warm. Tommy sighs when they stop shuffling around in bed, his head resting on Evan’s chest and arm wrapped around his torso. Evan’s fingers run along his hair and he feels all the tension, the exhaustion, the anxiety, the unworthiness fall away from him. Evan’s touch is a balm to every ache, every wound and every hurt.

He falls asleep warm, content, happy. 

The sun is shining bright when he opens his eyes. A sigh escapes him at the satisfaction of a good night’s sleep and at the fingers casually creating shapes on his clothed back. 

Tommy looks up from the torso he used as a pillow the whole night to see Evan already awake, scrolling through his phone with a focused frown. His hair is messy from sleep, growing curls falling every which way. He’s been awake for a while, his eyes don’t hold that just-woke-up look they do when they wake up together. 

Evan’s been awake for a while but hasn’t moved because Tommy was sleeping on him. A warm feeling that feels a lot like showering together, like home baked muffins, like “you’re worth fighting for”, floods his chest.

Fuck…

Tommy might just be on his way to falling in love with Evan Buckley.

And, as if his emotional turmoil was loud enough for his boyfriend to notice, Evan looks down at him. His smile is bright and his eyes are focused on him. Tommy is having a little difficulty breathing but forces a deep breath when the other man’s hand moves up to his hair.

“Slept well?”

Tommy is definitely going to fall in love with Evan Buckley.

He smiles. “Wonderfully.”

Maybe it’s not so bad.