#bruce wayne’s a+ parenting

[ditzyredrobin]

“-and you know, the whole Interpol thing.” Tim says cutting through his slice of pot roast. Which was apparently a mistake because when he looks up, all eyes were on him. “What?”

Dick was mid bite, eyes suddenly wide, and Jason was leaning back, looking unfazed as always, if not amused.

“What Interpol thing?” Bruce is the first to speak, brow furrowed.

Tim shrugs. “I mean, it’s not that big a deal. There was this thing months ago but it’s handled now.”

-

Y’know, that time in Red Robin Tim was probably definitely wanted by Interpol. Just another normal Sunday dinner in the Wayne household.

Will I continue this? Probably.

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

*Jason calling Bruce

Jason: B, don’t be mad but…

Bruce: *already done with this conversation

Jason: The steering wheel just fell off the Batmobile. That’s a valid excuse right?

Bruce: …

Bruce: Somehow I don’t believe you, and today this is your problem.

[lapseinart]

Anger

Nobody had time to register the hit before Nightwing had Batman pinned.

Inspired by sea_change’s The Caretaker on AO3

“No,” Nightwing growled, and Tim instinctively took a step back. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard Dick so angry. “You don’t get to touch them.”

“Red Hood-“ Batman growled, but Nightwing cut him off.

“No,” he said, pressing down harder on the arm he had behind Batman’s. “You swore. Not them. Not again.”

Tim looked over at Damian, who was clenching and unclenching his fist. Duke was frozen, flickering in and out of sight. Jason was standing again, staring disbelievingly at the confrontation between the original Dynamic Duo.

“Tim, Duke,” Nightwing said, voice oddly calm. “Go with Damian to grab your things from the Manor. We’re leaving.”

“Wait, what?” Tim asked, barely keeping the hysteria out is his voice.

“No,” Bruce ordered, and it was almost enough to keep Tim glued to the ground except Bruce just hit Jason, and Dick-

“We’re leaving,” Nightwing repeated, ignoring him. Duke tugged Tim’s sleeve, and Tim let himself be dragged over to Damian. “Get your things. We’re going to Bludhaven. You too, Jason,” he added, then turned to Bruce, as Tim robotically followed Duke as he hurried Damian upstairs. “You’re going to stay here. You’re not going to follow us. You’re not going to track us. You’re going to stay here, or you’ll learn exactly why Deathstroke wanted me as his apprentice.”

[thatoneacecryptid]

Bruce 110% knows it’s Jason. Having an adoption problem like that man has, having raised them all to be mask wearing vigilantes AND being the World’s Greatest Detective™️, there is no way he does not know his children on SIGHT

But he also knows where his children came from, understands why it might be hard for Jason to just ask him for money, so he lets them do this. No one is getting harmed by it anyway. That’s why Bruce just gives them the money without The Bat showing up like he usually would

Besides, it means he gets to talk to Jason on the phone so everybody wins

i’ll bet when jason is short on money he calls tim and is like “hey bud can we stage a kidnapping to get bruce to send me ransom money” and tim’s just like “lol yeah fuck it”

[spicy-apple-pie]

Bruce then compliments him more and Dick busts a move. Every. Single. Time. Without fail.

Commission Info / Kofi

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

As Bruce grows older into his 50's or 60's the paparazzi and people crowding him becomes less and he thinks that people have finally decided that Bruce is too old to be attractive or mainstream and he's actually super fine with it and makes jokes( more like sarcastic remarks) about it. But in reality they've grown more freaky cause instead of looking wrinkly and a sappy old man the level of cunt he serves grows everyday,he doesn't look like a snack he looks like a buffet, 13 year olds are using his pics as the cover pages of their mafia wattpad stories, he looks majestic, absolute dilf, we don't talk about the amount of tags he's birthed just by ageing on ao3, and hes still an absolute UNIT, the reason he's not heard about it yet cause the batkids are blocking the shit OUT with all of their will and strength cause it doesn't matter if all of them are full grown adults they're still all like-THATSMYDADGETAWAYFROMHIMHEDOESN'THAVETIMEFORYOUHESBUSYBEINGOURDAD

[mantareidraws]

Giving battinson the big birb hug he so desperately needs 🫂

[gothamundernightlight]

These are pure gold 😂

We've seen a lot of sibling behavior but what about Bruce's only child behavior

He celebrates his half birthday

None of the kids have had celery since moving in because Bruce hates it

He never learned how to share and when Harley asked to borrow his microwave in med school he started hiding it out of view

He plays table tennis against the wall and the wall always wins

He was voted Most Socially Unaware in the yearbook

In kindergarten, he tried to introduce himself to a new student by biting them like a T-Rex

He didn't know that video games could be multiplayer until Dick moved in and thought the second controller was for in case the first one stopped working

Besides the whole empathy thing, Bruce adopted kids so he can blame the broken vase on someone else for once

He thinks having siblings is the same as office coworkers or Justice League teammates

So the first time he saw his kids wrestling over Oreos he freaked out and called an emergency session with Dinah

Then he lectured Cass for taking Duke's jacket

And told Tim off for hiding the remote from everyone

He always thought inheritance was doled out to family members automatically until he saw Dick, Jason, and Damian fighting over who gets his wristwatch collection and realized he should probably call his lawyer to sort it out

Sometimes when he does laundry he forgets to ask the others if they need anything cleaned and only loads the washer with his own clothes

He also drinks straight from the communal orange juice

And takes unlabeled leftovers without asking

He thinks out loud because he's used to no one overhearing, so that's how the kids find out when, where, and how he planned to propose to Selina

[oncillabrigade]

Finally read Robins!

I have a lot of thoughts, but I just want to say this panel is the funniest thing I've ever seen:

[harmleikurdraws]

Conflict resolution for parents. In my head Jason might have a huge problem with Batman, but mom-Bruce is out of limits.

part 1 here

[tiger-grace]

Superman: I haven’t seen you at the watchtower for a while. Where have you been the last few weeks, Batman?

Bruce: Rehab.

Superman, worriedly: Oh, I’m so sorry- I never knew you struggled with that. If you don’t mind me asking, what for?

Bruce, grimacing as he watches public footage of Signal and Red Hood starting a dumpster fire out of Pro-Joker merch: ..adoption.

[hyperblue]

one thing that will always be funny to me about batfam is that jason is forever convinced that dick is bruce's favorite child while all of his siblings know for sure that bruce's favorite child is actually jason

some random reporter: who's your favorite child?

bruce: how DARE YOU imply that i play favorites, i love ALL of my children equally

dick, without missing a bit: oh he absolutely plays favorites, it was jason

tim: rest in peace

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

*Tim and Damian are fighting

Bruce: I don’t care who started it, I just want to know, are you going to be part of the problem, or part of the solution.

Damian: Part? I’m going to be the WHOLE problem!

Damian: *runs away

Bruce: I should have let Dick handle this.

[phantobats]

I think this is why Bats got all his Robins in toddler/pre-teen form.

Batman: Gotham Adventures #26

[dcxdpdabbles]

Alfred: Who is this?

Seven year old Bruce: His name is Danny. He's my older brother

Alfred: You're an only child. You don't have a brother.

Bruce: Mom? Dad? Do I have a brother?

Thomas: I only ever loved your mother, and I find baby-making repulsive—no offense, Brucie—so biologically, no, you don't have a brother. Emotionally, on the other hand, if you feel like he is your brother, I don't mind calling him my son. It's not like I can't afford it, nor can this lad outrun me.

Alfred: That's... kidnaping, sir.

Martha: Oh don't be so uptight Alfred. You Brits worrry about the sillist of things.

Alfred: Silly thing? You mean the law!?

Martha: Yes, that's a pesky thing. Besides, he has my eyes and Thomas' nose! That's obviously our son.

Bruce considering Danny: He does have your nose, dad.

Thomas proud: A chip off the old block that one. Good job catching your brother Brucie.

Bruce: Thank you! I used my innocent face like you said, Mom!

Martha beaming: A pretty face is a valuable weapon, darling!

Alfred whispering to Danny: Blink four times if you want me to get you out of here. The Waynes are not entirely sane.

Danny:..... The kid just said he needed someone to walk him home cause he was lost.

Alfred: That's how they get you. I once offered Master Thomas my coat during a suprise downpour. That was four years ago, and now I'm a butler. He gave me an embroidered apron with the words, "You're mine now, Brit"

[spicy-apple-pie]

Dick: Oh now we got jokes do we?

Commission Info / Kofi