#best practices for setting and achieving career goals

[blissfullyecho]

Become Your Dream Girl in 2025

Defining your dream girl persona

The first step into becoming your dream girl is to have a clear picture of her in your mind. Imagine her life in detail; her aesthetic, her habits, and even her energy. This is the time to get specific.

Visualization Exercise: Sit in a quiet space, close your eyes, and visualize your dream girl persona. How does she dress? What places does she visit? What are her priorities and goals? Let yourself feel her confidence, luxury, and elegance.

Create a Vision Board: Gather photos, quotes, fabrics, and colors that represent this version of you. A physical board can go in your room or closet. It can even be a mini collage you can put on your driver's side mirror in your car. The goal is to see your dream girl's life as real and achievable.

Setting New Year Goals

Your dream girl's life needs structure, so let's break down goals into categories and map out the steps to make it happen.

Categorize Your Goals: List your goals under personal growth, style & beauty, health & wellness, and career & financial. For example, under "Health & Wellness", you might set a goal to try Pilates or to cook more at home.

Monthly Check-Ins: As you go through the year, check in with your goals to celebrate your wins, and adjust as needed. This keeps your transformation on track.

Mindset Makeover

Confidence & Self-Worth

Your dream girl is confident, magnetic, and knows her worth. Let's build those habits and thoughts that help you embody that energy daily.

Positive Affirmations: Every time you look in the mirror, say things like "I am worth everything good that can happen to me" or any affirmation that you feel suits you best.

Confidence Rituals: Small, daily actions add up to huge shifts in confidence. Make it a habit to dress up on casual days, speak kindly to yourself, and embrace good posture.

Let Go of Insecurities: Identify any insecurities and practice reframing them. Instead of "I wish I was more confident", say "I am becoming more confident every day". Over time, you'll notice how these subtle shifts impact your self-worth.

Mindset for Success

Your dream girl is resilient and always growing, so let's make success part of your mindset.

Growth Mindset: View challenges as chances to learn, whether it's a career move, a new hobby, or even a social situation.

Visualizing Success: Each morning, spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your dream life. This will keep you focused and motivated.

Morning & Evening Routines: Start each day with intention by setting small goals and expressing gratitude. At night, reflect on the day and celebrate your wins; even the small ones.

Social Life & Relationships

Social confidence comes from feeling at ease in your own skin.

Elegant Etiquette: Show appreciation with thank you notes, and make an effort to remember names. The vibe for 2025 is to go for traditional, rather than modern. Think classic early 1920's-1950's Hollywood.

Curate Your Circle: Surround yourself with supportive, inspiring friends who uplift you. Leave the ones who don't elevate themselves or try to keep you behind.

Networking Lifestyle: Turn social gatherings into chances to meet like-minded people and to elevate your circle.

(Dating) Standards First: Don't settle; know what you deserve in a partner and communicate it confidently.

(Dating) Playful Energy: Be confident, flirty, and assertive (with yourself, not them). Stay in your feminine energy and let them earn your time and attention.

(Dating) Relationship Goals: Keep dates special and playful. Dress up, go out, and enjoy yourself.

Finances & Career Goals

Your dream girl values luxury, but also financial security. Your career is part of your dream girl identity, so elevate it.

Budgeting: Set aside money for luxuries and self-investment, but keep savings in mind.

Multiple Income Streams: Consider side hustles that align with your lifestyle.

Savings Goals: Whether it's for a designer bag, a trip, or just building wealth, make sure your goals are concrete.

Luxury Workspace: Make your workspace a vibe with candles, flowers, and chic decor.

Network for Success: Connect with mentors and people who inspire you.

Grow with Intention: Set milestones in your career or business, and keep pushing for the next level.

Health & Wellness

Your body is the vessel of your dream girl, so let's treat it with love and care. Mental clarity and peace are essential for dream girl energy; so let's focus on overall wellness this year.

Exercise: Try Pilates or Barre classes for a toned, elegant look. If that's not your thing, find workouts that create your dream body.

Healthy Eating: Focus on whole foods, lots of veggies, and drink tons of water.

Weekly Reset: Plan a mini detox day where you relax, hydrate, and reset for the week.

Mindfulness Practice: Try a short meditation or breathing exercise every morning.

Stress Relief: Whether it's a quick walk, journaling, or a creative outlet, find a stress relief that's all you.

Boundaries: Say no when needed, and make sure your energy is protected.

Beauty & Style Upgrade

First, a dream girl has that glow, and it all starts with a skincare routine that feels luxurious. You also need to find a style that captures your dream girl vibe, and commit to curating it. Then, you need to develop habits that will help you better your appearance.

Simple Skincare Routine (For Starters): Start with a cleanser for your skin type, followed by a hydrating toner, a serum (like Vitamin C for brightness), moisturizer, and SPF.

Luxury Treatments: Invest in facials or try gentle at-home treatments like dermaplaning once a month for an extra glow.

Nightly Routine: Keep your skin hydrated at night with a heavier moisturizer or an overnight mask.

Personal Style Icons: Think of someone like Serena van der Woodsen from Gossip Girl or a high-fashion model off-duty.

Curating Your Wardrobe: Focus on high-quality staples in neutral tones, like blazers, silky blouses, and tailored bottoms. Invest in timeless pieces that make you feel like a billion dollars.

Signature Look: A dream girl has her thing, whether it's an accessory, a makeup look, or a scent. Find what makes you feel like you and stick with it.

Self-Care Rituals: Prioritize manicures and pedicures, hair masks, and bubble baths. Set aside time every week to pamper yourself.

Polished Look: Even on your most casual days, aim to look put together.

Signature Hair & Makeup: Pick a go-to glam look that embodies your dream girl; maybe that's glossy lips and loose waves (for example).

Lifestyle & Daily Habits

Your routine should feel luxurious yet practical, setting the tone for each day. Small daily habits can transform how you feel and present yourself.

Weekly Pamper Sessions: Set aside Sunday evenings for facials, skincare, and champagne baths! (Be careful and make sure you're of legal drinking age)

Journaling and Reflection: Each morning, write down 3 things you're grateful for and 3 intentions for the day.

Goal Reviews: Every Sunday, celebrate your wins and see if any goals need a refresh.

The Basic Routine: Make your bed, wake up early, and put on an outfit that feels like you.

Energy-Boosting Habits: A quick stretch, a healthy breakfast, and a moment of quiet can make a huge difference.

Wind-Down Ritual: At night, unwind with tea, a bubble bath, or a short meditation to recharge for tomorrow.

Indulge a Little: Get a weekly coffee treat or a luxurious candle that makes your space feel cozy.

Luxury Experiences: Plan for a special outing every month, like a fancy dinner or spa day.

Signature Scents and Cocktails: Find your go-to perfume and a signature drink like a dirty martini or a bubbly glass of champagne.

Conclusion:

Becoming your dream girl is a journey; one that's glamorous, fulfilling, and full of growth. Each step brings you closer to living the life you deserve.

[digitaldetoxworld]

Turning Dreams into Reality: Strategies for Effective Goal Setting strategies for personal Achievement"

 Effective Goal Setting strategies for personal  Achievement placing is a fundamental thing of personal and professional development. It serves as a roadmap, guiding people toward their preferred consequences, whether of their careers, education, fitness, or non-public increase. Achieving dreams calls for extra than just ambition; it includes careful making plans, staying power, and resilience. In this essay, we will explore the importance of goal setting, the strategies for powerful purpose placing, and the stairs concerned in reaching those dreams.

The Importance of Goal Setting

step-by-step guide to goal setting and achieving results  is important for numerous motives. First, it offers course and cognizance. Without desires, individuals may also find themselves drifting aimlessly, unsure of what they need to reap or the way to get there. Goals help to make clear what's important, allowing humans to prioritize their efforts and sources efficiently.

Second, purpose placing fosters motivation. When people have a clear objective, they are much more likely to be pushed to take action. Goals provide a experience of purpose, making the responsibilities concerned in attaining them greater significant. This motivation is critical for overcoming limitations and preserving momentum, in particular while confronted with challenges.

Third, goals serve as a degree of development. By putting precise, measurable objectives, people can track their progress and make necessary adjustments. This remarks loop is essential for maintaining motivation and ensuring that efforts are aligned with the desired outcome.

Strategies for Effective Goal Setting

Effective aim setting entails extra than simply determining what you want to acquire. It calls for a considerate technique that considers each the feasibility and the steps needed to reach the intention. Below are a few strategies for placing desires which are both practicable and meaningful.

Set SMART Goals

One of the most extensively recognized frameworks for intention putting is the SMART criteria. SMART dreams are:

Specific

Clearly define what you need to reap. Instead of pronouncing, "I need to get healthy," specify the intention as "I want to run a 5k race within six months."

Measurable

Ensure that the goal may be quantified or assessed in some manner. For instance, "I need to lose 10 pounds" is measurable, while "I want to shed pounds" isn't always.

Achievable

Set a intention that is challenging but practical. Goals that are too ambitious can result in frustration, at the same time as those that are too easy may not provide sufficient motivation.

Relevant:

The aim must align with your broader life or profession objectives. Ensure that it's far meaningful and will make a contribution for your long-term aspirations.

Time-certain

Set a cut-off date or time frame for attaining the purpose. This adds a sense of urgency and allows to prevent procrastination.

Break Down Larger Goals

Large dreams can be overwhelming, making it hard to realize wherein to start. Breaking down those desires into smaller, plausible tasks could make the manner extra approachable. For example, in case your purpose is to write a e book, you may ruin it down into obligations including "write one chapter in keeping with month" or "research for 2 hours every week."

Visualize the Outcome

Visualization is a powerful device for goal setting. By imagining yourself attaining your intention, you can create a mental picture of achievement. This can assist to boost your commitment and preserve you inspired at some point of hard instances. Visualization also can assist to clarify the steps had to achieve your purpose, making the path ahead greater tangible.

Prioritize Your Goals

It’s not unusual to have a couple of dreams in exclusive regions of lifestyles. To keep away from spreading your self too thin, prioritize your goals based on their importance and urgency. Focus on one or  key desires at a time, and once those are accomplished, flow on to the next. This technique enables to preserve cognizance and ensures that you are dedicating your efforts to what genuinely matters.

Steps to Achieving Your Goals

Once dreams are set, the following step is to expand a plan for achieving them. This involves developing an in depth motion plan, staying dedicated, and being adaptable whilst confronted with demanding situations.

Create an Action Plan

An movement plan outlines the particular steps needed to achieve your goal. This plan must encompass a timeline, resources required, and potential boundaries. For instance, if your intention is to examine a new language, your movement plan may include enrolling in a direction, working towards day by day, and locating a language alternate partner.

Stay Committed

Commitment is crucial for aim success. It’s clean to lose motivation, mainly when progress is sluggish or challenges stand up. To live committed, remind yourself frequently of the reasons why you place the intention in the first vicinity. Keep your purpose visible—write it down, create a vision board, or set reminders for your telephone. Additionally, bear in mind sharing your goal with others. This can create a feel of duty, making you more likely to comply with via.

Monitor Progress

Regularly tracking your progress helps to hold you on course and allows for modifications as wanted. Set milestones or checkpoints to evaluate how far you’ve come and what still needs to be finished. Celebrate small wins alongside the way; this reinforces your progress and presents motivation to keep.

Be Adaptable

No plan is perfect, and sudden demanding situations are likely to rise up. Being adaptable method being willing to revise your plan while vital. If you encounter an impediment, check the situation and determine whether or not you want to exchange your method or alter your intention. Flexibility is prime to overcoming setbacks and staying on path.

Overcome Obstacles

Obstacles are a herbal part of the aim-fulfillment system. Whether it’s a lack of time, sources, or motivation, challenges will get up. To conquer these boundaries, broaden trouble-solving abilities and resilience. Break down the impediment into smaller elements and deal with every one systematically. Stay centered for your give up goal, and don’t be afraid to are seeking for help or recommendation from others when wished.

Maintain a Positive Mindset

A positive mindset is critical for achieving desires. Negative mind and self-doubt can derail your efforts and make it tough to stay prompted. Practice self-compassion and remind your self that setbacks are a normal a part of the technique. Surround your self with supportive folks that encourage you and believe in your skills.

Review and Reflect

best practices for setting and achieving career goals once you have got done your purpose, take time to study and replicate on the journey. Consider what worked properly and what could have been executed in a different way. This mirrored image will help you analyze from the enjoy and enhance your intention-placing and success techniques within the future.

[theta-walti]

Dreams Under The Sun

Summary: Olga teaches an afternoon class, there she meets Daisy and you.

Warnings: none :)

A/N: This is one that l have kept in my drafts for ages now, but here we go! This is also a request by someone l used to like, l hope you had fun reading this 🫶 request if yall want a part 2!

Word count: 1k, short blub :)

The sun was just beginning set, sending out a golden glow over Madrid. Olga sat on a chair near the dining table as she laced up her boots. Today was a special day – not because it's a match, but because of a promise she had made.

Olga walked out of her apartment and headed quickly toward a small local football pitch. She was almost late so she had to hurry. It was a Saturday, and she had agreed to host a training session for a group of young girls from all around the neighbourhood. When she arrived, the girls were waiting for her, their faces lighting up as she approached.

“Good morning, everyone!”

She greeted, her smile bright and kind. The girls, ages from six to twelve, gathered around, their excitement increased as more time passed.

“Are you ready to play?”

Olga asked, kneeling to be at eye level with them. They all nodded enthusiastically.

For the next hour, Olga led them through simple drills, sharing tips and tricks she had learned over the years. She showed them how to control the ball, how to defend, and most importantly, how to believe in themselves.

“Remember, it’s not just about skill,”

She said, pausing the practice for a moment.

“It’s about your hearts. Never give up, no matter what.”

One of the girls, Daisy, who was particularly shy, but she seemed to do better under Olga’s teaching. Olga noticed her potential, so she spent a little bit of extra time encouraging her, showing her how to dribble past defenders with confidence.

After the session, Olga sat with the girls, sharing stories from her own career. She told them about the challenges she faced, the hard work it took to reach the top, and the joy of scoring the winning goal in the World Cup final.

“Dream big,”

As she told them, there was a lot of awes and wows. The girls did look up on Olga, a lot too in that fact.

“You can achieve anything if you believe in yourself and work hard.”

As the session officially ended and the parents slowly went to pick up their kids, Daisy stayed behind. She walked towards Olga, wearing her Real Madrid backpack and holding out a small notebook and pen.

“Could you sign this for me please?”

She asked as her eyes shined, she was talking to her hero. Daisy had looked up on Olga ever since she was able to walk, meeting her today was an absolute dream come true.

Olga had nodded with a smile, taking the notebook. She signed on the page that has her name on it and chuckled.

“Your planning to collect a lit of signatures huh?"

Daisy just giggled, and Olga smiled as she gave the notebook back to the little girl, Daisy smiled as she went and sat next to Olga.

"Keep practicing, and one day, you’ll be a star too."

"Mama always says that whatever you do, don't give up, always try your best, even though it gets hard sometimes"

Olga nodded as she continued the conversation. Although it was ready quite late, she had started to wonder where Daisy's mother was.

"What you mama is true, speaking of her, where is she? Do you know?"

She said with a soft voice, Daisy only shook her head, not sure.

"Mama has a really important job. Maybe she's late because she's still working"

Just on cue, you came running on the pitch, Hair messy and looking tired, your also wearing a dark red suit and black heels. When Daisy noticed you, she grinned and ran towards you.

"Mama!!"

Daisy engulfed you into a hug and her smile brightened, while you were hugging Olga walked over.

"Flo did really well today. She has the potential to achieve something amazing in football"

You nodded as Daisy let go, listening in the conversation.

"That's good, yes, l remember Daisy has been interested in football ever since she can run. Whenever she sees a ball, she always runs and plays with it"

Olga chuckled, her eyes lighting up as she looked at Daisy.

"Well, she's got talent, that's for sure," she said warmly. "If she keeps practising, who knows? Maybe one day, she'll be able to play with me professionally in the pitch."

You smiled proudly, glancing down at your daughter, who was beaming from ear to ear.

"She’s always admired you, Olga,"

you admitted.

"Thank you for spending time with her today. It means the world to her—and to me."

Olga dismisses the thanks with a modest smile.

"It’s my pleasure. I remember being her age, dreaming of the big leagues. Sometimes, all it takes is someone showing a bit of faith to turn that dream into a reality."

Daisy, still clutching her signed notebook, looked up at Olga with stars in her eyes.

"Will you come back next Saturday?"

she asked eagerly, Olga crouched down to meet her gaze.

"Of course, Daisy. I’ll be here as long as you’re ready to work hard and have fun."

She gave her a playful wink, which made Daisy giggle. As you and Daisy started to leave, Olga had said something.

"And remember, don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can't do. Just keep believing in yourself!"

Daisy nodded, her little face serious with determination. Her hand clutched yours tightly as you walked away, her voice bubbling over with excitement.

"Mama, did you hear that? She believes in me!"

You smiled, squeezing her hand in return.

"I did, sweetheart. And I believe in you too. Just keep chasing that dream, and who knows where it'll take you."

A/N: l finally posted after a while 🤦‍♀️ l am currently editing my lia x reader story, l'll see yall then when l post it!

This is Theta signing out, see you next time!

[hwnglx]

bts on cam vs. off cam

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

jin

on cam

basically the moodmaker. he ties a lot of himself to that role; loves making people laugh. feels proud when a joke lands. very entertaining, charismatic, fun to watch. brings more energy into the group dynamic. has a strong and clear will, goal oriented, a lot of determination and drive. active. very chatty and witty, good comedic timing. he just lights up the room.

off cam

much more sensitive and emotionally intelligent than what meets the eye. deep and kind heart. also great at observing his surroundings, he's very intuitive and in tune with his environment. he has a quick mind. great deal of empathy and compassion for the people he holds dear. sweet nurturer. makes them feel comfortable. mentally active. seems to talk a lot behind the scenes too lol, but in a more tactful and sharp manner; great at communicating. can be both; emotional or logical, depending on what the situation asks for. adaptable.

suga

on cam

restrains himself more. much more careful and conscious over what he displays; a great case of show the best, hide the rest. i keep sensing his virgo moon here, he just wants to manage his image closely and make sure it remains clean. does allow himself to break out of that shell sometimes, and lets out his more playful and fiery side. very free-thinking, independent. just wants to do his own thing. much brighter and higher spirits on cam than off cam.

off cam

stubborn and self-focused. finance-oriented; stable and good at dealing with that part of his life. puts a lot of importance and value into material matters. can have some gluttonous tendencies, where he just gets insatiable; ariana grande's seven rings “i want it i got it.” vibe. increeedibly ambitious. if he sets his mind to something, it is going to happen. logical and rational. also extremely intelligent and smart. good luck trying to outsmart yoongi. doesn't bother to sugarcoat his words, very direct and honest in his expression. prefers and values the harsh truth, head over heart.

j-hope

on cam

masculine, passionate and strong, just has this quietly powerful and authoritative presence that demands attention. but at the same time gentle, balanced; a pleasant and agreeable aura. presents himself as this continuous student, someone who's very eager to expand his knowledge and skills in his career. consistent, stable, humble and self-aware. good at dealing with criticism. someone you just enjoy being around, he creates emotional connections with ease and makes everyone feel comfortable. big heart.

off cam

very focused on his group. like he loves these boys dearly. much more in tune with his feminine side; a soft, empathetic and nurturing soul. might be the hidden mother of the group lol. in tune with his emotions. doesn't shy away from expressing his feelings. so much more romantic and dreamy too. i feel like he cries a lot behind the scenes, especially about sappy and little sentimental things. very charming and idealistic. but also immensely hard-working. type to put in even more effort when no one's looking.

namjoon

on cam

confident and inspiring. so so much passion. brings a sense of warmth to his surroundings, and has an encouraging and uplifting effect on the people he's with. carries a lot of wisdom with him, so much good advice to give. knowledgable and mature for his age. like an old soul. very introspective, deeply reflects on his actions and his behavior. good at bonding with people and offering this sense of comfort, support and emotional understanding. loves in a profound way.

off cam

solid and stable. level-headed. a lot of focus on tangible achievements and practicality. “let's get this work done”. much more self-sacrificial than one would think. not as stubborn as it might appear, quite adaptable and open to opinions different to him. however, rub this man the wrong way somehow, he can get incredibly rigid pretty quickly. “cut the bullshit, deadass.” is what i heard, lmao. he doesn't like people who are too blinded by their emotions, and too delusional all the time; he can't deal with emotional immaturity. very fact-based and rational in that sense.

taehyung

on cam

a lot of contentment and abundance in the way he presents himself. like he just gives off this expensive aura, and seems pretty satisfied with himself. kinda snug and prideful. knows what he is and what he can do for people, and radiates that self-assurance and confidence to the outside. i can tell it just makes him very attractive to people. mature, in control of his emotions. calm and collected. he just looks like he knows what he's doing all the time. very complex too, someone who just adds depth and flavour to everything he does.

off cam

talks and speaks up much more. very clever and quick-witted. mentally agile and savvy. observant and detail-oriented. isn't afraid to stand his ground and voice his opinion when he needs to. he makes things look very easy and effortless, but in reality, he puts a lot of effort and hard work into all of his endeavours. responsible. can get burdened and overwhelmed more than you think. impatient tendencies. can get scared of change, but also doesn't wanna stay stuck; can have problems balancing out these two clashing sides in him. i always feel how being a capricorn stellium with an impulsive and rash aries moon must be quite exhausting sometimes.

jimin

on cam

balanced and gentle aura. sweet and diplomatic. someone who encourages a peaceful and harmonious environment. very much a libra. he has huge duality, where he can go from this happy go-lucky and bright smiled sunshine, to a dark and sensual devil (card that come out) that just gazes holes into your soul. i think he bases a lot of his image on his performances, i keep seeing him on stage in my minds eye. loves letting out and transitioning into his scorpionic (his venus+mars placement), sexy and mysterious energy whenever he's on stage. almost like he plays a role and fools people. loves to stand out among the crowd. can get very competitive and greedy too, in terms of his performances. (the energy was crazy intense here?)

off cam

much more laidback. outgoing and sociable, enjoys meeting up and going to parties. good at making friends and networking. more comfortable and slow-moving. more pragmatic than one would think as well. not nearly as soft and sensitive. can be more confident and self-assured than what meets the eye. but can get emotional out of nowhere though, kinda unpredictable with his feelings. his energy is just very fickle, but at the same time intense. he's either completely loyal to you, sticks by you through everything, or doesn't give two cents about you, honestly lmaooo :')

jungkook

on cam

humble, an eternal student. always trying to improve, expand his horizon. more youthful and bright in spirit. extremely driven and determined; if jk sets his mind to something, no one can hold him back from getting it. very much obsessive in that way. holds a lot of love in his heart, is gentle and careful in the way he treats people. there's some femininity here too. he might have this more sensual image in people's eyes. people enjoy his company because it's very calm and chill, drama free. mostly quiet and reserved. doesn't insert himself into any conflict intentionally and stays out of it.

off cam

surprise surprise - hugely perfectionistic. even obsesses over managing his image behind the scenes. very eager to keep it as flawless as possible. i heard “a dream to work with” though. someone who loves to collaborate, enjoys learning from other people. very committed and dedicated to quality at his work. always focused on doing the right thing; well-established manners and strong morals. likes connecting to people on an emotional level; moreso needs it. more sensitive than one would expect. can also get immensely greedy sometimes; this is where i see his dilemma. he's always yearning to reach the highest level work-wise; but can easily feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled. he doesn't enjoy fame, but at the same time can't do without it. i heard “the only thing i'm good at” jk is the type to think he's not good at something if he isn't at level 10 right away. he's always looking to do more and more; very prone to burning himself out badly because of his extreme ambition.

note; mister jeon always has so much to say, phew.

[musedblues]

All Things Must Pass

a/n: IDK CHAT this is 100% projection. long story short, i promised @almightyellie and @userjohndeacon a sessa fic, started it, then proceeded to have the worst june ever. and i accidentally ended up turning this entire plot into my therapy. sorry for the devastation but...  happy ending?

description: since starting college angus became your very best friend. just as you begin to wrap up your academic career, shit hits the fan for everyone. friends to lover's type shit but make it excruciating. angus x fem reader. 

warnings: explicit sexual situations, death, mentions of suicidal ideation, brief scene ft. harassment, over all morbid tone. God bless whoever takes the time to put up with this plot lmao

18k

MINORS DNI

///

The Party

"Would you hurry up! I want to get there before all the good booze is gone." Angus drummed on his steering wheel as you rushed into his passenger seat. He'd been honking outside your dorm for five minutes, despite the couple times you poked your head out the window to yell at him that you were coming.

"I got ready later than I wanted, I was actually trying to study. You know we're at college to learn shit, right?" 

"Yeah, and I'm trying to learn how to get drunk fast tonight. Every moment of this precious life is a lesson to be learned if you let it, kid." Angus jested, as if being a few months younger mattered in your mid-twenties. 

"You used to be fun, Angus. You used to be so carefree. You used to bitch so much less profoundly. That philosophy class has done a number on you." You laughed as you teased him, watching your friend grin in response. Angus was your favorite pain in the ass. You were his, he said so often. He was your ride to everywhere. You were his built-in tutor for everything. He was your emergency contact on every official form. All because he was lost the first weekend here; and you just happened to learn directions to the furthest class on campus moments before he asked an ever-emptying hallway of students to show him the way.

"Look. This is the last party Kiara is throwing before she graduates, and before our month of finals. I just want to have the best night possible." Angus reasoned. He went on to ramble about how uptight you had been about school lately, and how you needed to let lose tonight all the same. Angus was right.

Your first year of college was spent in elation, when you realized you'd finally escaped the confines of your family. None of them ever had your best interest in mind, and rushing off to freedom was how you spent your 20th autumn. Your second year of college was spent really nailing down your major, hedging all your bets on studying something serious that would keep you afloat your entire life. Something you could depend on for yourself and no one else. But the fatigue of your intense studies set in by the third year, leading you to seek out more extra curriculars to take the edge off. 

It was Kiara's idea to take dance lessons. She was your partner in every tango and waltz. She was your biggest encouragement to take the extra ballet class. And she'd been really pushing you to audition for the team that would travel to Europe to compete in an annual competition. Between your friend, and your instructor, you'd been swayed to stay longer at practices- and to work harder for auditions at the start of the summer. But that meant your studies became even more of a challenge, with your brain focused on achieving more goals than you'd set out to tackle. 

"So, what are we doing tonight?" Angus rallied, as he pulled against the curb of Kiara's townhouse. 

"Having a good time!" You enunciated each word as Angus chanted along with you, smiling his stupidly perfect smile. You'd always loved the sight of him happy, carefree. Happy looked especially good on your friend Angus.

You trailed behind your friend as he bound toward the steps of the party, and held open the front door for you. The air was misty with hints of rain, summer couldn't settle in quick enough.

Kiara's home was big enough for four or more people, but she planned to share it only with her cousin- a lawyer on her way from Chicago, whom none of you had yet to meet. To the left of the entrance hall was the living room; packed with acquaintances and strangers clinking red solo cups together as a Hendrix record played. To the left was the kitchen, where Kiara stood showing off an island full of drinks and organized snacks. Her springy brown curls were pulled back in a neat ponytail and she was dressed better than anyone, as always. 

"There they are!" She smiled and pointed to you and Angus, before waving you over to her massive refrigerator. 

"Extra cold beer and expensive liquor for friends only." Kiara swept her hand to suggest you pick your poison, as she swatted away a stranger from reaching in all at once. You laughed and thanked her for being extra thoughtful, not surprised by her set up. She was the most detail-oriented human you'd ever met. Once Angus had a bottle of beer in either hand and you were content with the last of some old chardonnay, you followed Kiara out to the patio. 

There beyond the steady flame from the fire pit, sat Soren and Tom. Both already high off their asses. They waved as you approached and lit up a fresh joint. And just like that your group was glued together. You'd all wound up in San Fransico from different parts of the country. And you'd all ended up tight knit throughout a year of run ins at pubs and races to class, despite the difference in some of your grades. Fate continuously lobbed you each together. And over the past few years; time always carved out at least one day a week where the five of you could hunch over laughing past midnight like a band of fools.

"How's your job at the cafe going Soren? Paying your book fees back in a timelier manner now?" You rose a brow and looked to your friend. His blonde curls hung to his shoulders; his eyes red by way of the night's events that had only just begun. How he was dependable enough to hold down a job you were unsure, but impressed by all the while.

"I haven't been late once in the two months I've worked there. For work, or my fees." The guy boasted, taking a hit from the blunt he kept promising to pass around but never did. Your group set down their bottles and glasses to give Soren a small round of applause. 

"What about you Kiara? Are you set up for your internship?" Angus asked, both beers already gone. He rose from his perch on a lounge chair to reach in a nearby cooler for another drink. 

"Oh yeah. I start next week, and I graduate three days later. It's getting real, gang. We're getting grown up." Kiara pouted out of sentiment, and nervousness, you noticed. 

"One day closer to death." Tom concluded, "Gotta make the most of it!" The guy lunged, stealing the blunt that Soren had been hogging, laughing at the blonde's appalment. You admired Tom's waggish disposition, eagerness to keep you all on your toes. But even dark eyed, dark humored Tom started to lament about how fast time was flying by this third year of school. 

"I'm gonna graduate, get a house and a few cats. I'm gonna start working at the vet clinic and be rich enough to start my own in ten years." Tom declared, so sure of himself. You watched your friend mean every word that came out of his mouth, which was rare for the often-unserious fellow.

"Did you know," Angus began to rally, raising his bottle to make a point. "In Egypt when a family's cat died, they all shaved their eyebrows off as a sign of respect. Haven't figured out why yet. But I was reading-" 

You groaned a laugh, decidedly tuning out the rest of Angus' sentance. You loved that he always had a recently studied story to share. They fascinated you, usually. But tonight, Angus rambles about history repeating itself was filling you with dread. You weren't keen to consider the past tonight. And your own lack of clarity about the future was growing vaster every day. 

Remembering your promise to let loose here, you politely excused yourself from Angus' on-going speech to find more to drink. Surely the fridge inside had something strong enough, something to really set you off for the evening. 

A bottle of whiskey seemed promising but there were no mixers. You settled for a couple shots, and chatted with a girl who lived down the hall from you. She did two more shots with you and introduced you to her girlfriend. The pair were nice enough together but wouldn't shut the fuck up about a recent trip to France and their decision to move there. Couldn't anyone talk about anything besides their plans for life, tonight?

In the living room, strangers picked the worst vinyl's from Kiara's collection to spin. You sighed as some physics major beamed at the sound of Neil Diamond groaning from the speakers.

Thank God you hadn't been left to linger too long alone. Angus was tapping at your shoulder eventually, holding up a bottle of your favorite rum you hadn't realized was available. His smile grew mischievously as he beckoned you to follow him away from the crowd. This was when the real fun always began.

The spare most bedroom was home to a smaller record player and a more prized collection of vinyl's. Kiara never minded your spinning these, knowing how delicate and careful you were with them. How you were more dazzled by some of her favorite collections than she was, on occasion.

Angus was quick to lock the door, keeping out the people who inevitably started knocking to use the en suite bathroom. Kiara had two more. They'd figure that out. You chose an older album, struggling to turn it up louder than the shit they were blaring from the living room. Angus had already taken an absurd swig of rum from the bottle by the time you'd finished fidgeting with the volume dial. 

"Geeze, save some for the rest of us buddy." You snatched the drink for your own turn, already buzzed, but looking to see stars tonight. Angus was well on his way, it seemed, laughing a little too hard at your jest.

"Finally, good music and decent booze. And you, I guess." You smiled up at Angus, taking a big drink as he grinned back your way. He accepted the bottle back as you began to drone on about the shit music the crowd was playing. You rambled about how you feared they lacked a certain amount of passion for talent. You lamented still how easy it was for people to know passion better than you ever could. How unequivocally everyone spoke tonight about their passions and futures and plans. But how even given your efforts to want the same things, you didn't feel that same certainty everyone else seemed to.

"You gotta get out of here." Angus stalled before you, tapping his pointer finger against your temple. He was always getting you to snap out of your silly spinning what if's and why's.

"Sorry. I know, we're supposed to be having fun." You remarked, grabbing back the bottle to catch up to Angus level of inebriation. He went on to make some foul retort about passion, a joke about the last time he managed a one night stand.

"That's the same gusto you're so proud of that got you only frowns the day you asked out three poor freshman before lunch."

"Win some you lose some." Angus grinned, taking a generous swig before passing the bottle to you. You were both well drunk by then and enjoying the solitude from the masses. Kiara threw the best parties because she had the biggest house. And that gave you a lot of opportunities to seek out space all the while, which was the more valued asset, you thought. Your longsuffering roommate was always in the way. And if your one was an obstacle, Angus' three others were too much to bear. Nights like these were sacred for so many reasons.

"I'm better with silent queues, anyway. I've never successfully talked my way into a date."

You chuckled in your friend's direction, rolling your shoulders to the beat of the new vinyl you picked out. You dreamed a little of adding this song to the list of ones to choreograph in the future.

"No, I'm serious! The people I've successfully hooked up with in college have all happened when I decide to keep the talking to a minimum. A little body language goes a long way, I swear!"

"Angus you know I love you, but I'm struggling to believe you." He was too awkward. Not in a nerdish way. But something about his countenance could be enigmatically naive. He'd been through a lot in his young life, enough to hold a certain wisdom in his posture. But he still seemed to have so much to learn.

"No?" Angus stifled a laugh, seeming to make a decision with a nod. "Well what about this?" He set the bottle of rum down on a chest of drawers.  Angus turned, giving you a sly look over his shoulder, before spinning to face you all the way, letting his eye's rake up your figure. He did have the most alluring set of eyes, and you liked to imagine what was going through his head as he peered across every inch of your body.

"You come here often, darlin'?" Angus rose a playful brow, reaching to sling an arm over your shoulder. You huffed a sorry laugh and shook your head in disapproval.

"It worked until I talked, didn't it?" Angus bit his lip, lifting his brows again to get you to giggle. Even if it did, you'd never tell him.

You drank more and argued over what records to play. You laid on the floor near the speakers and settled into silence when a particularly good song came on. Angus hummed along and made you smile. You drank more and made each other laugh until you cried, slumped against the wall by the loo. Music still pulsed from downstairs, but you noticed fewer voices rallied from downstairs, fewer knocks on your door too.

Then you mistakenly noticed the clock. 

"Oh God Angus it's midnight?" I have a test in the morning." You slumped further down the wall you'd been leaning against, covering your head in your hands. "I was already prepared to fail, now I'm gonna be tired and stressed."

"Hey," Angus called, reaching out to pull your hands from your face. "Look, you either know it or you don't. No amount of studying or sleeping now is gonna help. You've already studied so much. I'm sure you'll do fine. Really!"

You sighed and said you knew he was right. But you couldn't understand why you felt so much more unsure than all of your other friends. You arguably studied hardest out of the five of you. You had the same goals. But Tom seemed so certain that his ten-year plan would work out, no matter any set backs. And Kiara was already accepted into her dream position. Angus never complained once about fearing a test or a grade. And Soren God bless him, took it day by day, but he was doing reasonably well for lack of planning. You voiced to Angus how it scared you that life didn't always turn out perfectly despite all your best efforts.

Your friend frowned, and seemed to struggle for a response. Maybe he was too drunk. Or maybe there just was no answer. With the shake of his dark curls Angus decided to wrap an arm around your shoulder. You felt him kiss the crown of your head, something he did when there was nothing left to say. No advice to give. But when he still wanted to show his support. His closeness was a comfort like no other. He knew just how to be near you. And then you realized he was right in a way, before. Angus was pretty good when it came to wordless connection. 

As you realized this, you broke from your leaning against him to cast your eyes to his face. Angus blinked, letting his arm stay draped around you, letting his fingers draw patterns against your shoulder. His lips formed a small smile as Angus watched you consider his features. His eye's stayed easily peering into yours, and somehow it was like you really saw him for the first time.

"I'm afraid I believe you now." You huffed a humorless laugh, drunk enough to speak without thinking. And how Angus was quick enough to register what you meant, you didn't know. But you saw his eyes look into yours with an understanding you'd never uncovered in your three years of friendship. It might've given you a shiver up your spine. Or you might've just been that drunk. But the longer you looked into Angus' eyes and the quieter he remained, the faster your heart started beating. How much had you had to drink?

You couldn't tear your gaze from his, noticing his mouth begin to move to speak, but no words came. Maybe he stalled, or maybe he was still trying to find the right thing to say. Or maybe he was that drunk. But there was something happening to you that hadn't happened in the entirety of your knowing Angus. Your heart rate had never quickened, drunk or not, in his presence. Your mind had never gone so blank, staring into his eyes. You could've gotten into your head about it. But there was no time to think. Because all of a sudden, he was kissing you. 

It seemed to come out of nowhere after all these years. But it seemed so obvious in the moment. His lips stalled on yours as his fingers moved to brush against your neck, the ghost of a clutch. It was as if he couldn't move until you pushed him away or kissed him back. You chose the latter.

You let your lips bruise into his. You let your hand fall above his knee. You let your fingers curl into a grip. And that seemed to give Angus the green light to really kiss you. His lips parted and his hand molded around the back of your neck and his other arm dared to encircle you. You let your free hand find his shoulder. As Angus flexed to pull you closer to him, you leaned in to kiss him fiercer, knocking the guy over in the process.

Angus let both his hands tangle in your hair as you kissed him against the bedroom floor. It seemed your hands and his moved without a thought or a care, aided by alcohol no doubt. Your fingers found themselves dancing along the hem of Angus t-shirt as his traveled to grab at your hips. The record that was playing was skipping and scratching, begging to be turned. But your every focus was on your very best friend right now, how far his tongue was down your throat, how much in a hurry you felt to tear his jeans off. 

You couldn't believe how fast it was all happening. You couldn't quiet process that Angus slender fingers were creeping underneath your skirt. You couldn't seem to kiss him hard enough. It wasn't long before he rolled to pin you against the floor. It wasn't long before he was actually shagging you in the spare bedroom of your friend's townhome. Angus slammed his hips into yours and breathed hard against your neck. You let your nails dig into his shoulder blades as he finished, and strained to catch your breath as he collapsed at your side. 

If you were confused about things before, you were confounded at this point. But it was one in the morning. And you had a test to take. And no time to think of anything else at all. 

"I'm sorry for doubting you earlier." You broke the deafening silence in the room by turning to grin at Angus. He laughed, a real but breathy and exhausted chuckle. Silence settled in again, until you suggested getting up off the floor. At a languid pace, Angus moved to fasten his trousers, and stumbled into a crawl. You managed to move up right faster and decidedly dragged your friend toward the bed in the middle of the room. Sloshed and spent, you each fell asleep rather quickly. But you didn't drift off without a deepening storm of questions brewing in the back of your mind.

///

A knocking stirred you from dreaming. But the harsh early sun from the window caused your eyes to snap shut in a hurry. This bed wasn't yours. Angus was next to you. His curls tickling your cheek. His arm like a heavyweight across your stomach. 

Despite the knocking, your eyes couldn't keep open. Your brain still clung to dreams.

You relished the way your friends body molded against yours. You struggled to recall the last time you felt so calm. So relaxed. It was too easy to fall asleep again.

And then you were shaken to reality once more. 

"Wake up, please-" Angus was whispering your name with urgency. He wasn't at your side, not like before. He was standing. His arms no longer held you close. But his hand clutched your arm, and it stayed there as you sat up to meet his eyes. They were bloodshot. His brows were pushed in, darkening his gaze. His usual faint grin was turned into a frown.

Angus swallowed and dug his fingers into your shoulder. 

"You gotta get up. Tom's dead."

///

Kiara was slumped against the kitchen table when Angus finally got you out of bed. You rushed to her side in a panic, as she kept her head down. Angus stalled near the entry way of the kitchen, hands on his head, breaking out into a pace.

Soren was hanging up the phone on the wall, he'd just called off work for the very first time ever. You wanted to tell him you were proud of him for not having done so sooner. But now wasn't the time. One of you was missing. And he wasn't coming back.

Kiara lifted her head from the table, her once pinned curls now disheveled. Her face was wet with tears as she sucked in a deep breath. 

"Angus can you tell the strangers sleeping on my sofa to get the fuck out, please?" Kiara's voice was hoarse and worn. Soren sat across from you as Angus left the room on a mission, and you begged someone to tell you what the hell was going on. 

Kiara said she opened her door to the police at five this morning. She was Tom's emergency contact, after all. She said he decided to walk home instead of crashing here. He only lived a block away. He should have made it. But he was drunk. And a pickup truck didn't hit their breaks in time. And just like that, none of it mattered. His bed was never slept in. His degree was never earned. His plans out the window. A fifth seat at the pub and dinner table permanently empty. 

Angus returned to announce he'd gotten everyone to leave. But a well-meaning girl straggled in the kitchen behind him, asking the group of you if there was anything she could do for you. Angus turn to yell that she go like he so kindly asked her to in the first place. Soren started sobbing then, slumping from the chair at your side, his blonde locks weighing your lap down. You sat in shock, carding your fingers through his hair. You locked eyes with Angus across the room, watching the way his teeth dug into his lip to keep from crying. You had a lot to talk about. But now wasn't the time.

As you turned to look to Kiara, your eyes fell onto the clock. 

"I- I have a test." Your voice cracked; a cry lodged in your throat that you weren't ready to let escape. 

"What professor? I can help you get an extension, if you want?" Kiara sniffled. 

"I... I don't want that. I want to get it over with. I don't want to leave here but I don't- I don't know." 

"Hey, it's okay-" Kiara reached to rest her hand on your forearm. You struggled to breathe but kept rambling despite yourself. 

"I don't want to put it off, I'll be way more stressed than I already am, but I don't want to leave here, Kiara..." You begged her to help you make sense out of your panic. That's what she was good at. 

"It's okay." She demanded with authority, nodding to silence you. "Go take it. Come back when you're finished? I'd really like for us to all be together tonight." She sucked in a shaky breath and cast her gaze to Angus, who was nodding in agreeance. Soren lifted his head from your lap, face red and eyes glossy. He mentioned needing a change of clothes, barely able speak without breaking down again. 

"I'll take you to campus." Angus gestured toward you. "And I'll grab your stuff, Soren. Stay with Kiara and we'll be back to help clean this shit up and decide what to do next." Angus asked where his friends dorm key was, decidedly designating himself the errand runner. 

Kiara steadied her breathing and thanked him, Angus was always clear minded in crisis. Then she announced that she planned to call Tom's parents. If not to break the news to them before the police, then to find how the family planned to send him off.

Your beautiful hoarse voiced friend demanded you go do your best, as you stood to leave. You gave her a crooked grimace of a smile, every sense clouded with shock and confusion and dismay.

Angus followed you out to his car, where he drove you back to campus in complete silence. Neither of you said a word, neither of you made a sound. There was too much to talk about and not nearly enough of the right kind of time. 

///

Finals Month

You failed that test. Miserably. Maybe you should have waited. But you knew the stress of waiting would've worn on you just as much as the shock had, the morning you took it. That night you spent at Kiara's was quiet. 

That night you all let the sound of dinner cooking echo through the house. That night you all sat around the living room, trying not to fixate on the spot on the couch where Tom usually sat with his legs crossed. That night Angus held your hand, and the way it usually would've brought you comfort was then matched with conflict. Still, you watched as his fingers tapped against your knuckles and clung to his grip for all it was worth. Despite the way your nerves danced on end, you held his hand. Despite the missing friend, the rest of you sat together. 

When you found out you failed the test the next day, you weren't surprised. But you were motivated to get more serious than ever. You only stopped studying the rest of the week, to make meals. And when you finished the first round of finals, you let dance class be your reward.

Kiara was there at the studio, but she wasn't dressed for it. She only wanted to wait up to give you a lift to the pub after, having called you all to plan a meeting this evening. As dancers flooded into the building, you thanked Kiara for coming to watch you, for being there somehow. You promised to dance hard enough for the both of you, that practice.

Then it was time to start the lesson, relishing the way the music pulsed through the floor. You'd never been so thankful for a hobby, it came just in time for you to clear your head. As you moved your body to the beat of some Bowie song, it wasn't like you were coming to any grand conclusions. But something about locking in and moving with the music made your mind stop racing all the while. 

And then there was the part of you that savored the compliments you received when you landed a spin or were asked to offer instruction to others. You were really fucking good at this, and you knew it. 

When class was over, you struggled to ride the high of the adrenaline dancing usually gave you. The music stopped and you had no reason left to pound your feet into the ground, nowhere left to direct your grief and sadness and worry.  But then Kiara was boasting about how well you did and sing songing her familiar plea for you to try out for the European competition. The instructor overheard and walked up to encourage you all the same. 

"You really should. Auditions are in a month." The teacher flashed you his coy smile, letting his hand rest on the small of your back. He was like that. But you didn't mind. The thrill you got from his compliments as a leader outweighed the way his flirting could sometimes make you cringe.

"I'll think about it!" You assured, giving Kiara the 'let's get out of here' look. 

///

At your usual pub, Angus and Soren were sat in silence, each casting despondent glances toward the table. A chair was empty between them. Funny how hard this kept getting. How often you were reminded that Tom was gone, and how shuddering it was to realize he wasn't coming back. You didn't realize how slowly grief worked. How every new day a creeping mourning swallowed your mind more wholly than the last.

Once seated, you flagged down a waiter for some drinks and frowned when Soren asked how your class went. You didn't really want to talk about it. It didn't seem important at all, all you could think to mention in the company of your friends was how one was gone. Wasn't that so fucked up?

"His mom called today. She says the funeral is tomorrow." Kiara came right out with it, causing everyone to cast their eyes toward her. She hadn't mentioned the phone call she had with Tom's parents when you all reconvened that night. No one had said much of anything at all, that night. 

"What the fuck?" Soren spat. Tom was from Alaska. None of you had time to plan to be at a funeral in Alaska in less than 24 hours. 

"This morning, she told me they had family in town for some other reason. And want to just 'get it over with' so, fuck us, I guess." Kiara released a shaky breath, turning to thank a waiter who slid glasses onto your high-top table. 

"We can do something for him, just us." Angus spoke up, arms crossed tight around his body. He looked up for the first time since you got here and looked right at you. You smiled, glad to see him, content with his latest idea. Angus smiled back and kept his steady brown eyed gaze on yours. And for one fleeting moment you forgot you were being swallowed whole by sadness. But just a moment.

"Yeah. We should have a memorial. Anything you want me to bring?" Soren sat up, nodding over and over at the idea, glad for a progressive plan in his friend's honor.

"A bunch of fuckin' weed. It's what he would've wanted." Kiara laughed. And so did the rest of you.

The rest of the hour you spent drinking was full of a little more hope than any of you had felt in the past few days. You managed a few laughs from each other in the midst of planning a memorial. Through giggles, you all strived to turn conversation lighter. There was an unspoken chugging toward ending your hang out on the semblance of a high note. And you understood why. But something felt so wrong about laughing. Something felt so shameful about droning on about school, with each other. Didn't they feel that? How couldn't they? Would bringing this up kill the mood for better, or for worse?

You didn't know how to conduct yourself the longer you thought about it. Suddenly the whole world and the meaning of life stretch out before you and started to muddle together to fill you with dread. 

"Hey." Angus voice was closer than before. You realized your friends were all getting up, and the dark eyed boy was standing beside the stool you sat in. "Hey, come on." Angus rose his finger to your temple and gave it a couple taps. That meant it was time to focus on something else entirely. Time to get out of your head. You nodded and stood to join him as he walked, watching the others head into the foggy night, holding the door open for you.

"It's the last Friday of the month you know." Angus spoke to you gently, his reminder catching you off guard. You didn't really know what to expect, from Angus now. You didn't really know what you expected from yourself, either. 

"Oh, yeah."

"Do you... want me to come over?" He seemed to worry. The lanky brunet shifted the weight between his feet and let either of his eyes dart between yours. You saw his breath in the fog of the misty evening. You couldn't imagine ever telling him no. 

"It's the last Friday of the month. You always come over. I just... almost forgot this time." You admitted. There had been a lot going on. And you hadn't really been paying attention to the calendar. 

"Did you... forget? Or..."

"I forgot. Come on, let's go." You spoke confidently because you were telling the truth. But you realized what he'd alluded to... having recently fucked without acknowledging it in anyway. And you were not ready to have that conversation. 

Angus rose his brows, shrugged his shoulders and decidedly stepped in time with you. You'd hoped he'd start talking about something else. But he didn't. He let an awkward silence weigh itself between you as he drove you to your dorm. Angus didn't speak the whole ride there. And neither did you. But he drove you home, and followed you in. And that counted for something, right?

Silence followed you each to the sofa, where you sat on the edge, staring at the blank telly screen. 

"Should we watch something?" Angus finally called, leaned back against your decorative pillows with his arms crossed tight. 

"I dunno." You realized. It was later than usual. Your roommate was asleep. You weren't sure how to act, alone with Angus now.

"Put on an album, maybe?" He suggested. His voice sounded light years away. And you couldn't figure out if it was because he was sat so far back. Or if he was upset with you. Or if you were simply starting to lose your mind.

"I dunno." You repeated. The upsettingly familiar weight of silence crept between the pair of you once more for what felt like a lifetime. 

"We really should talk about it. Shouldn't we?" Angus spoke up, voice breaking up your minds spiral of thoughts that had been getting you nowhere. 

You truly didn't know. There was too much happening you hadn't had time to process. A thousand new truths and realities danced around your brain, seeping down to quicken your heart rate. Even if you should've, you couldn't talk without crying. You actually couldn't help that tears started to pool in your eyes now, feeling demanding to free itself from within you. 

Your elbows met your knees and your hands blocked out the light of the room. You tried to steady your breathing with a deep intake of air. But cries were all that released out, despite your attempt to bay your overwhelm. 

You felt him shift at your side. Angus was up. You sat trying to pull yourself together as you heard Angus move about the room. Suddenly you sensed the telly was switched on and the lights were off.

"I'm sorry. Come here. I'm sorry." Angus called, his weight shifting the sofa once more. "We'll just watch whatever is on. I'm sorry." His hands grabbed to move you back toward him. Angus pulled you to rest at his side, and you couldn't help but accept the invitation. You rose your feet from the floor and buried yourself beside him, sniffling away your tears. Angus held you tighter than you ever recalled him having done before. Angus carded his fingers through your hair, and apologized again. Wasn't this enough? You wondered. Couldn't the pair of you just settle together without words? The more intently you latched against his form, the more purposefully Angus seemed to hold you. Wasn't that all either of you needed to know right now?

But he wouldn't stop apologizing. 

"It's okay." You replied, pulling your face away from Angus' shoulder to meet his eye. Your friend wore a look of consternation, jaw clenched, brows furrowed. There was clearly so much he wanted to say. But he didn't. He just shook his head of curls, and pressed his lips together, casting his eyes to his lap. You brought a set of fingers to his jaw, turning his head to face yours. 

"I promise, it's okay." You said again, nodding and letting your thumb brush across the apple of his cheek. You watched your friend of many years debate saying what was clearly on the tip of his tongue. You waited for Angus to stop shaking his head and just come out with it already. He'd been wondering if you should talk. And if he wanted too, he should've. Right?

"I just... I really want to kiss you again." Angus said, like he was certain to be condemned for admitting so. You felt your mouth try to grin despite the way your lips anxiously pursed.  You watched the way Angus searched your expression for any kind of reaction. But you didn't give him much time before you leaned in to brush your lips against his. This kiss was delicate. This kiss was slow. Your hands did not wander. But you each shared the moment earnestly, for reasons you still weren't ready to uncover.

When Angus stalled to break your connection, he stayed close. His gaze was steady on your lips, as if he were trying to figure out why they were just pressed against his own. But you just couldn't talk about it tonight. So instead, it was your turn to pull Angus close, as you leaned back into the pile of throw blankets. You held Angus' head of curls against your chest as he decidedly let himself relax there. 

You didn't know what show was playing. You didn't know what time it was, or when you both fell asleep. You didn't hear Angus leave the next morning. And you didn't know what you were going to do about the way his leaving broke your heart a little more than it'd already had been.

///

You spent the weekend working. Cleaning houses a couple days a week was enough to keep money in your pockets, especially if you had appointments in the rich neighborhoods. You blasted music through each house, and scrubbed to the beat. Like dancing, this was therapy. Every time you remembered Tom was dead, you'd scoured the grout a little harder. Every time you remembered the way Angus dug his fingers into your hips, and how much you liked it, you vacuumed with more gusto. Every time you remembered how poorly the results of your latest finals had been, you turned up the music.

Then came the memorial your friends set up.

It was perfect. You burned a fire in the pit out back, shared a couple joints, and went through old pictures. Each photo unlocked a memory someone had a story about. Kiara found a few flowers to plant around the evergreen near the corner. Flowers that would grow back every year. For Tom. Angus didn't say much that night. And you didn't either. And you could tell the other two noticed. 

///

"Claire is finally completely moved in!" Kiara chirped. She sat across the dance floor with you, stretching her fingers to meet the tips of her toes. The townhouse she bought with her cousin in mind was finally home sweet home for both girls. "You'll have to meet her! Angus and Soren already have, I called them to help move a few heavier things."

"Yeah, sounds good." You struggled to respond, only half listening. Your brain was busy focusing on the way your body worked to stretch out every imperfection, every negative thought and feeling. But the way Kiara called your name next forced your undivided attention.

"Look, I get that things have been fucked up recently. You know I know that." Your friends voice shook a little, and a pain rang through your chest at the sound. She lost a friend too. "But you've been especially weird. What's going on, huh?" Kiara sounded almost angry. But then you recognized it was simply hurt spilling over. And you'd been caught. And you couldn't brush her off. Not when she was looking at you like that.

"It's just..." You breathed in, struggling to know where to start, totally unprepared to have been put on the spot here at the studio. And then your instructor was calling everyone to get ready for class. Thank God.

"Later, okay?" You stood, extending a hand for Kiara to grab. She did so and shrugged her way to the middle of the dance floor with a puzzled expression ever glued on you. And that's how it stayed all night. She watched your face for a crack in its resolve. You just danced. You turned every 'what if' away from your mind and let the music flood your system. You ignored Kiara's curious glances and danced like your life depended on it.

When the hour was up and the group was heading out, Kiara made a beeline for you. But so did your instructor.

"Stay later?" He beamed, nodding your way as he walked off, having already decided for you it seemed. 

"I can wait up for you!" Kiara lifted her brows in a hopeful manner, stalling to put her shoes back on. 

"I don't know how long I'll be." You realized. Halfway trying to get her to give up, and halfway telling the truth. You knew Kiara was simply trying to check in with you. But if you hadn't even been ready to talk to Angus about everything, it sure didn't feel right to bring it all up to Kiara on a whim.

"I don't mind waiting. We could go for drinks or something. I just think-"

"Kiara... no. Please, I honestly can't do this tonight. Not with you." You spoke a little too quickly, a little too fiercely. You immediately regretted shutting her out as the words spilled from your mouth. And then you watched your friends face turn into a grimace.

"Don't be cunty to me when all I'm trying to do is be there for you." Kiara spat back before bending down to pick up her shoes. 

"Ki, I'm sorry-" You hurried to plea as she began to turn for the door. 

"I'll call you when I'm less pissed off." She waved her hand for you to stay back, to stop following her toward the door. As she began to push out of the exit, she stalled to turn back and say one last thing. "No, actually, you need to call me when you get over yourself." And with that she was gone. And she was right. But you had absolutely no time to process that interaction before your instructor was snapping for your attention. 

"You girls seem close." The man teased with a twisted sort of smile. You let out a huff of a laugh, uncertain how to otherwise respond to this man you knew absolutely nothing about outside of his dance credentials. He could kick higher than anyone you knew. And he always got a little too into the salsa, no matter his partner. 

"Anyway, you know we're all dying for you to nail next month's audition for the traveling team. I wanted to share some pointers with you, if you're serious about try outs?" The man reveled, smiling as he waited for you to respond. The studio was so quiet without the chatter from the others. Without the thuds from their feet parading across the floor. 

"Yeah, that would be so generous of you." You nodded. With your finals having gone horrifically so far, your newly forming plan was to nail this audition, hedge your bets on your newfound talent to land you a decent career while you were young and able. 

For the next half hour, as Chopin's Nocturne No. 2 filled the room, your instructor was straightening your posture after spins. You ignore the way his hands lingered at the bend of your waist. He watched you glide from one movement to the next, praising what you got right and coming over to correct your mistakes. He turned your head in the right direction. He moved your arms to fan out more evenly. He let his fingers trail across your spine as he rambled about how important visible strength was to the judges.

"You'll want to be certain of your timing. And you'll have to be confident in every little flex of your finger." The man hummed, "But if you're looking to nail down a yes for your audition now," He said, reaching out to move you a little too forcefully toward your mark, his grasp remaining. "There is one thing you could do."

Oh hell no.

"Fuck you." You hissed, shoving the instructor's hands away from your hips and shuddering at the realization of his implication. Watching the man's face fall into a frown when he realized you couldn't be so easily persuaded gave you a new set of chills.

"Let me be frank. If you don't sleep with me, I won't vote for you, and you need each judges vote to get in." As he spoke, he reached a bold hand toward you. There was no question in your mind to hesitate before you extended your own set of digits to slap across his face.

"How fucking dare you." You spat, moving in a hurry to collect your things. Your shoes were still off and you dropped your sweater on your way out the door. But there was no chance in hell you were turning back for it. All you could do was sprint toward the main road, desperate for a cab. 

This was all so fucked. You felt like you had absolutely nothing left to hold out hope for. You were failing school. You were pretty certain you'd ruined things with Angus because of a stupid drunken hook up. Kiara was pissed at you. Tom was dead. And you just had your only outlet for all this shit ruined by that creep of an instructor. 

You couldn't stop thinking of the last thing you heard Tom declare. How he was so ready to graduate and get the cat he'd always wanted and a job of his dreams. How he had it all planned out, and how you knew it'd been going well enough to likely come together the way he'd hoped. But it was all for nothing. And here you were, living some actual Shakespearean level nightmare. Why were you the one spared by fate? The one without a stich of the future figured out for the better. It wasn't fucking fair, for you to keep this farce of a life in crippled traction. It wasn't fair for Tom to be dead. You couldn't even successfully catch a cab. The road was bare of traffic.

But you weren't left stomping down the pavement long before a set of headlights blinded your vision.

"What the hell are you doing?" Soren's recognizable lilt came booming from beyond his cranked down pickup window. You stopped in your tracks, squinting to see his car stalling near the sidewalk just before you. "Get in here!"

You weren't going to argue, this late, this cold. You must've looked a sight, shoeless and tear stained. Soren's passenger seat was cluttered, but it didn't take him long to toss the books and papers to the back seat.

"Where the fuck are you coming from? Why are you crying?"

"Cause life is fucked up Soren." You sniffled, finally putting your shoes on. Your friend started to drive off then, but wouldn't stop asking what happened or if you were okay. 

"I'm fine. Thank you for the rescue."  

He explained that he was coming home from work. He asked if he should take you home, or to Angus' dorm. And that made a new spring of angry hot tears pool in your gaze. It was all you could do to breathe steadily, before shaking away your emotion to finally answer your friend.

"I'm so sorry. It's just been a really shit day. And that's really saying something lately isn't it?" You laughed, despite yourself, and so did Soren. Though his eyes stayed curiously drifting from the road to your slump to the right of him.

"Kiara and I had a weird fight. And then I quit dance class. And I left my favorite sweater there." You whined, ultimately deciding you owned someone an explanation. And Soren had already accepted you in his ride in your sorry state. 

"We can turn back! Do you want to get-"

"No." You demanded. "The instructor guy is a creep. I never want to see him again. And I don't want to see Angus. I just want to go home. Please."

Soren spoke your name lowly, begging to know more. But you couldn't. You just shook your head and thanked your friend again for the lift.

///

Claire

Kiaras cousin was a tall, sharp-witted model of a lawyer. She sat way to close to Angus on the loveseat, knees brushing. And he laughed way too hard at her jokes. It made you sick to watch the pair of them chuckle over a bottle of wine. What could they possibly have to laugh about? He was a brooding stick figure of a college student. And she was this blonde bombshell of an older woman. The pair of them colluding didn't make sense to you.

With the roll of your eye's you fled the living room for the kitchen, finding Kiara. She'd just finished perfecting another well made dinner. 

"Hey." You cautioned meekly, finding your friend shutting the oven door. The room was warm from the heat of the appliance. The air was thick with the scent of spices and herbs. Kiara turned to you with a faint smile, stalling for you to do the talking. And you knew you needed to.

"I'm really sorry I never called, like you asked. And I'm sorry for being so nasty that night." You frowned, meaning every word. You hated that your upset had spilled out into sharp words Kiara never should've received. 

"I'm sorry I called you cunty." Your friend shrugged before letting out a small chuckle. "But you can't keep shutting us out, babe."

Kiara's statement caught you off guard. You hadn't really realized that's what you'd been doing. But it was. You still hadn't given Angus any chance to talk. You yelled at Kiara when she asked what was wrong. And you brushed off Soren's concern when he gave you a lift home. But then a sudden irritation rose within you. 

"I guess I don't know what there is to say that you all don't already know. I guess I don't understand why Angus is laughing in the living room and why we're all pretending to have a nice dinner like everything is fine when it isn't."

"We're all still hurting," Kiara spoke your name, imploring for you to hear her. "What's so hard to understand about wanting to achieve some levity together?" Kiara sounded angry again, angrier than you. Angry at you.

"Why can't you let me be upset?" You quizzed, chest hot with misunderstanding.

"Why can't you let me move on?" Kiara demanded to know, voice full of emotion.

Just then Soren breezed in, setting his bag of comic books and weed on the kitchen island, asking how he could help set up for dinner. Kiara asked him to grab everyone drinks. Then she told you to carry out a pan of food to the table. Her tone was short and she wouldn't look you in the eye. You did as she asked, anger bubbling and brewing deeper in the pit of your stomach all the while. 

You ate dinner, asking Claire about Chicago. You pretended not to grimace at the sound of her shrill run on sentences. You reminded yourself your upset shouldn't be directed at this poor stranger of a woman. But it was hard not to seethe when she was sat in the fifth seat at the table. You and Soren each shared a glance or two of annoyance at Claire's hogging the nights conversation. 

When she wasn't speaking, Angus was asking her more questions. You watched him hang on her every word. You kept hoping he'd turn and give you those looks. You watched his fingers drum on the table, and wished his hands were holding yours. You realized then, just exactly how fucked you were. And how no matter when or how you had the inevitable conversation with Angus- that everything was different now between you two. When he started rambling about his thesis having something to do with ancient Roman law, you excused yourself again. 

Thinking fast, you gathered everyone's finished dinner plates to take to the sink, the perfect leave. Your anger dissolved into exhaustion by the time you reached the kitchen, you were getting a little sick of your own bullshit. You were growing weary over how out of control your life and emotions seemed these days. 

As you arranged the dirty dishes in the sink, something caught your eye from beyond the patio door windows. Through the never-ending fog of this San Fransico spring, a small grey blur. You turned your attention fully to the backyard, beyond the firepit, past the chairs. A slender grey cat was biting at the flowers Kiara planted for Tom. 

"Uh, guys." You called out for someone else to come and see this because there was no way they'd believe you if you simply told them. "Guys you have to come see this." You called again, a laughter breaking up your announcement. 

"What's wrong?" Angus came sauntering in, you heard him, but you didn't dare turn from the sight of the animal in the backyard. "Oh... my God." Angus approached, stalling at your side near the patio doors. He let out a chuckle too, disbelief painting a smile across his face that reached his almond eyes. You turned to look right at him. And he turned to look right at you. And for a moment you weren't sure what sight dazzled you more. The others came rushing in, pointing and laughing and standing in awe before the patio doors. The laughter that was born from shock kept erupting more and more between the four of you, until Soren was howling, and Angus was coughing and Kiara was nearly breathless.

"I don't get it. What's funny?" Claire asked, looming near the kitchen island with a look of perturbed wonder. Maybe Kiara was right. It was time to let some kind of light in.

///

"Open the dooooooor." Angus whined from outside your dorm, chanting the same thing over as you rushed to hide paper in your hands. It was a letter from your university.

You failed your finals. You failed this entire semester. 

Shoving the letter between your mattress and box spring, you clamored to unlock the door, letting your best friend inside. 

"Geeze, do you really have to lock all three locks on your door? I stood there freezing for hours it felt like, coulda died in that hallway."

"For somebody who came from a winter state you sure have a shit tolerance for temperature." You joked. But it had been a chilly spring. "I'm not taking my chances with the serial killers and the impatient East Coasters." 

Angus stood with his hands in his jacket pockets and that familiar brooding smirk on his face you were so damn endeared to. His smile was always a good sign. But still, you were suspicious of your friend's presence, still on uncertain terms.

"Want to come do laundry with me?" 

Finally, something normal. A usual request from Angus. A routine you could follow without question or wonder. Just a couple of spin cycles and whatever bullshit you each thought up to ramble over to pass the time. With a nod you grabbed your hamper and followed Angus to his car. The laundromat was a five-minute drive, one you spent turning the radio dials while Angus bitched about traffic. 

Inside the laundromat, rows of machines lined the walls and only a couple patrons stood separating whites from darks and folding fresh sheets. Some folk songs crackled from the speakers, but the whir of the dryers and washers drowned out the guitars. You each got down to business; loading your clothes into separate machines and lingering to wait on one another to head across the street. A diner waited, windows flooded with flyers and adds. 

Angus got you each a coffee and you ordered some fries. He mentioned going with Soren to a wedding in New York in a couple weeks. Yammering about summer plans. Angus considered the idea of tracking down his old professor when they got over there. You listened. You said you didn't have any plans. You clawed through topics in your head to keep up the facade of normalcy. But nothing could stop the silence that branched from the space in between you and your very best friend. You watched his lanky finger steal a fry from your basket without asking. You sat biting your lip instead of reprimanding him. 

"I took Claire on a date. Two nights ago." 

You nearly choked on the coffee you sipped to suppress your jitters. 

"Claire?" You rang, shooting Angus a look of disbelief. 

"I really like her. And she somehow really likes me." Angus reasoned, holding out a hand as if to pass along this information. You sat, playing back his sentence over and over in your head. Playing back the way they laughed together the night you met her. She seemed nice enough... But...

"I was going to wait and ask you... I don't know, for permission, I guess? But then I kind of figured if you wanted to talk about what happened with us, you would have by now. So that must mean you don't have anything to say, right? So, I asked Claire on a date. But then I felt like a real asshole about not telling you. So this is me... asking one last time. Do you want to talk about it? Do you care?" Angus ended his rambling admission by boring his dark eyes right into yours, and waiting. 

You sat, playing his words over and over. You sat remembering the warmth that filled your every cell when he first kissed you. You sat remembering how he said he wanted to do it again. You sat wondering why the fuck your body and your brain refused to function as a team, failing you from opening your mouth at all now. But if you couldn't do it... maybe Angus could.

"Do you? Care?" You dared to quiz the guy, your eyes darting between his, searching for understanding. 

"Wha- Why do-" Angus stuttered, his already furrowed gaze growing more perturbed by the second. "Are you listening? Do you hear me at all? I need to know how you feel." Angus leaned against the sticky table, as if his intense eye contact would get the answer he wanted out of you.

"I hear you." You breathed, nerves buzzing across your entire being.

"But are you listening?" 

"I can't stop you, Angus!" You finally burst. Anger pushed itself through your body until words formed against your better judgment. "If she makes you happy go for it. Hell, bring her over for dinner next Friday. It's the last one of the month."

Your friend sat obviously perplexed across from you. It was like he wanted you to tell him not to do it. But you couldn't stop Angus from living his life. You barely had control over your own these days. All you could muster up the ability to speak was a weak approval, despite the way your heart descended to your stomach.

///

"Here you are, dude." Soren handed you a coffee with a proud grin, like it was the first one he'd ever made. Your friend should've been proud, you ventured. His free spirit got the better of him years before now. He seemed to be finding his groove.

"Thanks sir. How'd you do on finals?" You really wanted to know his answer, knowing he'd worked so hard this year. Soren said he passed with flying colors. You said you knew he would. He said they'd all gotten together at Kiara's to celebrate. He said the cat came back. He said he really didn't think Angus and Claire made a good match at all. He wondered why you weren't there.

"I guess I wasn't invited. I haven't been a very good friend to Ki, lately." You shrugged. You knew you'd found yourself in this position by your own faults. But it still stung to know they'd gathered without you. 

"Oh. I thought it was an Angus thing." Soren shrugged. "He was real nervous about how you'd react to his asking Claire out and all."

"Yeah." You responded, searching Soren's gaze and watching him realize another customer was coming in. He smiled a sweet smile and hurried over to his register, giving you a wave from there. You shouted a 'see ya' on your way out.

///

You slaved over your stove the night Claire was meant to join your monthly get together. This all felt like a very bad idea. But Angus was your best friend. And you really did want to support him in whatever steps he put an effort into taking, in life.

Granted the two weeks they had been together were the longest of your college career. Tom was still dead, and Kiara was still cold with you. She let you come over and accepted your apologies. But she remained despondent the whole time you stayed, clearly in her head about things. But you understood what that was like. And weren't keen to push her further. 

Then your guests were here. And you felt even more like this was a very bad idea. But you played off your anxieties by deciding to pretend to be the best damn host on this side of the campus. You served Claire first and kept her glass of wine full and asked all about her life. Angus passed you several tight lipped smiles and subtle thank yous. You'd never met any girl he'd ever taken out. There had been a few, but none stuck around long enough. 

You could tell Claire really liked Angus. And he definitely deserved to be adored in the way the brilliant blonde was willing to adore him. But there was just something that undeniably clashed about their pairing. Maybe it was the fact she was a few years older, sleeker, more mature. Maybe it was how callow Angus seemed at her side. Or maybe it was just you.

When the night winded down and the girl offered to help you clean up, Angus went to the bathroom. And that's when a certain veil lifted. The pantomime of the evening enjoyed its intermission when Claire toted in a couple empty glasses to your sink. 

"I don't think I like you very much." She came right out with it. And not in a vindictive tone either. Just an honest one, and you respected that. 

"I see." You straightened your posture.

"I mean, you seem nice enough but... I don't like you around Angus. I'm sure if I ask, you'll lie but, have you two... ever..." The woman lifted a brow, drying off a couple plates as you rinsed some others. Passing a couple utensils through the water, you considered very carefully how to respond.

"Why should it matter? If nothing ever came of it?" You quizzed, shrugging your shoulders. The blonde at your side heaved a sigh through a gentle smile, continuing to help you clean up.

"Well, at least you didn't lie."

Angus swooped into the room soon after, suggesting it was time for himself and his date to take their leave. After a few minutes of pleasantries, they started out. But not before Angus flashed you an expressive lift of his brow, curl of his lip, as Claire turned to leave. He asked so much in that one glance, a talent of his you'd always been fascinated by. 

You flashed him a wide eye'd shake of your head, there was quite literally no time to talk about everything that had just happened tonight. But you hoped your face said it all just as well.

///

Soren sat across from you, hunched over his homemade lunch. You ordered a coffee from him before he took his break and scurried out to the tables to join you for a bit.

You swatted a strand of long sandy hair away from his meal and asked how he'd been. He mentioned being glad school was over for a bit. He mentioned the cat that kept showing back up at Kiara's patio door. He was convinced it was Tom, coming to visit. He knew it was crazy to think it, but he swore by his belief. He said Kiara thought he was nuts for it. He said she'd been grumpy lately anyway, cold. You selfishly hoped this meant she wasn't exclusively upset permanently with you. That she was just going through it.

"And don't even get me started on Angus and Claire." Soren scoffed, taking a bite of lunch. 

"Oh, please get started." 

"She's so possessive. Protective I could understand but she's possessive to a fault. He can't even bring up girls he works with, without Claire coming unglued." 

Well, that explained why you hadn't heard from your very best friend in a couple very long weeks. You phoned him the day after that fateful dinner. He never answered or returned the call. You hadn't even seen his car on the campus lot, as it began to empty out. Summer had officially begun, and most everyone was graduated or off coping with the last semester before the next one kicked off.

"He says hi, by the way." Soren rolled his eyes. "Shouldn't have to be the damn messenger. Jealousy confounds me." Your friend flared his nostrils and shook his head before taking another bite of his sandwich. You couldn't help but chuckle at your usually laid-back friend's fiery disposition.

"Thanks for filling me in. Wanna share some of that cookie?" You shrugged, changing the subject. There was nothing you could do to change the way things were. There was nothing more to say. You were beginning to cope with the fact that the morning Tom died, everything changed. Everyone was different for better or for worse. Life was different now. And you were beginning to cope with that fact.

///

Today was the day of auditions. You sure as hell were not about to show up and dance. But you couldn't stop staring at your calendar- and the note you'd left there ages ago to remind yourself about try outs. A fleeting wonder crossed you mind, about showing up anyway. A fleeting consideration pressed with in you, for the outcome if you were to dance your ass off to try and earn a spot you knew you'd never land- just to have the last laugh.

When the phone started to ring, your roommate answered. But it wasn't long until she was twirling the cord closer to you, heading to take over the sofa.

"You have a competition or something today, don't you?" Angus voice crackled through the telephone line. You leaned against the kitchen counter, eyes still glued to your calendar, and huffed a laugh. What an unexpected voice to hear, cutting through your what if's, today.

"No I uh, I changed my mind." You revealed. You hadn't told anyone what happened, not really. You felt like you had more pressing issues to consider, back then. And now you weren't sure if any of it still mattered or not.

"Oh." Angus replied in a shock that nearly took you by surprise. "Well in that case, want to go see a movie?"

He was outside your dorm honking ten minutes later. 

"I'm putting my shoes on, Geeze!" You hollered out the window. Angus yelled for you to hurry up, laying on his horn all over again. Your roommate started yelling soon after, demanding you get the hell out before Angus honking drove her bonkers.

"It's not my fault you called me so last minute!" You shouted, jogging to hop in his passenger seat. 

"It starts in like four minutes!" Angus whined to your amazement. He was such a pain in the ass sometimes. But then you smiled and realized that you hadn't been worried about something so trivial concerning Angus in a couple months. You'd missed the hell out of this. But... why was it happening now?

"Why did you call me to invite me to a movie if you thought I had a competition today?" 

"I called to wish you luck. And to apologize for not calling sooner. I've been pretty confused."

"Soren told me Claire's been a bit... territorial. You know that night at dinner while you were in the bathroom she told me she didn't like me?" You sighed a humorless laugh.

"Yeah." Angus scoffed a hopeless chuckle, breaking the speed limit all the while. You cursed at him to slow down before he went on to say, "She gave me an ear full that night too. And I wanted to respect her worries, ya know? Show her she had nothing to worry about. But then her worries turned into accusations, and the past two weeks have been constant interrogations with her. So, I broke up with her last night."

"Oh my God?"

Somehow, you actually didn't see that coming. Not so soon, anyway. Not so abruptly. While there wasn't much new information to process, the news still made your brain whir. A few billion what if's and what now's bubbled into the back of your mind while you realized the turn your evening had taken.

"I'm sorry she was rude to you. And I'm sorry I've been distant." Angus furrowed his brow and lowered his tone, speaking very seriously now. All the while he whipped his car into the movie theater parking lot and turned off the engine. "Now get out, we've already missed the previews. this is a Burt Renyolds film we're dealing with, go, go!"

"Oh my God, okay!" You hurried, slamming the car door shut. "No. Hey! Slow down it is not that serious." You remarked, following orders but refusing to jog at the speed Angus darted toward the theater doors.

Two tickets to The Longest Yard and one massive bucket of popcorn later, you were back to normal. Angus settled at your side and swatted at your hand when you reach for the popcorn at the same time as him. You plucked a kernel to toss at him in offense. He sighed and lifted a couple pieces to your lips as a silent apology. You chuckled and relaxed and thanked God for the turn of events. 

You learned not to take it for granted. It could very well be the last evening of its kind you got to share with Angus. Death and dates and all kinds of reasons kept getting in the way of normalcy for the pair of you. Maybe that's what adulthood was. Maybe that was life. But so was this. And for that you were grateful.

The ride home was short, and filled with chatter about the film. And when Angus pulled into an actual covered parking space instead of haphazardly in front of your building; you felt hopeful that meant he would stick around.

"Wanna come in for a bit?" You offered, glad for the way you'd been able to banter so easily tonight. Longing to stretch out your visit, craving connection with Angus for longer than a few weeks now.

"I gotta meet up with Claire to give her some stuff back. I owe her that much." Angus stretched out his words, leaning his head against the back of the seat, turning to give you a sorry smile. You could tell he didn't want to go, not really. But he was right.

"I've just really missed you." You decidedly shrugged, looking right at him. Not even just the way he touched you that night. But his well-meaning laugh and his stories about what he'd been reading. His looks for you to decode across rooms. Him.

Angus nodded, that brooding grin of his forming across his features. He reached a hand across the bench of his front seat, tracing a finger against your thigh. You watched his hand ghost to stall on your knee- before you held out a slacked arm, scooting closer all the while. You needed him to wrap his arms around you, no matter what that meant. No matter what he felt when he did it. You needed him to. 

And he did. Angus welcomed your embrace with his own, holding you tight in place for a moment before his head buried into the crook of your neck. You weren't even thinking when you moved your hands to brush his hair back. Angus moved as you did, his hold on you stayed steady, but his eye blinked up to meet yours.

And then you realized it was happening again. Your heart began to hammer, you knew he could feel it. Your brain buzzed with thoughts of only Angus. Your eye's longed to gaze more intently into his. Your hands wandered to consider the curve of his spine, the strength of his core.

"I've missed you too." Angus whispered, as his arms loosened, his hands trailing to the bend of your waist. 

The kiss that followed was fierce. Your teeth clashed with Angus' and your breath caught in your throat. His fingers gripped to grab at your shirt, yanking you toward him. Your knees settled on either side of his hips. Your nails scratched along his torso before landing on his belt. It was just like before, neither of you could move fast enough. Every move seemed detrimental. But no touch lingered long enough to drive you crazy. You wouldn't let it. You needed to get to the point.

Angus picked up on your desperate pace, aiding in undoing his belt while his lips brushed along your neck. A quick shuffle of fabric was the last step to take before you were easing into Angus' lap completely as possible. You were sober enough this time to think to lock eyes as you rocked against him, shivering at the sight of Angus slack jawed enjoyment. 

He let one hand brush across your cheek as his other clawed at your thigh, pulling you close as possible. You watched in awe as Angus stuttered a curse. You moved with intention, and he did too. Trailing his fingers from your face, to your chest, to the very middle of you- adding immensely to your pleasure. It was your turn to stammer curses and struggle to catch a steady breath. It wasn't long before you both reached your peak. But it felt like forever. It felt like all of time and space had collided to stall, as you shagged Angus in the front seat of his car. You relished every flame of feeling. You savored the way his eyes stayed locked with yours. You reveled in the smile that turned to corners of his lips upward. You had really missed him.

Quiet filled the car as you slinked up and away, falling into a puddle nearer the passenger seat. Angus cleared his throat, moving to fasten his trousers. 

"Now what?" He asked in a hush. 

"You gotta go. Right?" You shrugged. That was that. Right? 

/// 

The Summer

Kiara followed her internship to Canada for the season. Tom was still dead. You had no dance class. You had just failed your semester. Angus and Soren had left for some wedding in New York. Not that their absence mattered much anyway. Because your best friend hadn't spoken to you since the spontaneous movie night. Since the second more profound and regrettable hook up. Not that you wished you never done it. But that you wished you would have said something different when it was over. Something that didn't make Angus jaw clench as he watched you get out of his car.

Several days passed since you'd heard from Angus. Despite the few times you'd called and the once you'd turned up at his dorm only for his roommates to shrug and say he'd been out all night. Then it was time for the New York trip.

And it seemed unstoppable, the call from your bed to stay there. You had no reason at all to get up. You had nothing to do. Nothing to think about. For days you stayed locked up in your room, completely despondent to any and everything.

Then your roommate knocked persistently enough to stir you from your den. She mentioned her flight for Japan was in a couple hours and asked for a ride to the airport. Your bones ached to move, your brain longed for a fresher perspective. So, you decidedly ended your wallowing in your own despair to slip into a change of clothes and drive to the airport.

The drive was refreshingly quiet. The blue of the sky and the air through the windows made you feel free. Made you realize you were not as trapped in that little campus as you felt. Your roommate had been fiddling with the radio dial as you'd considered the great big world beyond her dodge dart.

"Oh my God, hey!" Your roommate chirped over the crackle of a news anchors morning announcements of weather and traffic conditions. "Today is your birthday, isn't it?"

"Holy shit." You realized. "It is." you'd been so lost in the cave you created out of bed sheets that you'd almost lost track of time. Your roommate proceeded to shower you with well wishes, asking if you had any plans. 

You did. Earlier in the year, Angus talked you into going out on this date, having a ball. When you'd each gone through the calendar at the start of the year, you realized each of your birthdays were on the last Friday of either month. Angus said that was too crazy to be a coincidence. He said you needed to make the most of these celebrations. But that was back when things were different. 

"Not sure. After I drop your car off, I'll see where the day takes me."

"About that." Your roommate proceeded to inform you that she wasn't just visiting Japan. She'd decided last minute to move there, start anew. She had a fiancé and a place to go, and an abundance of plans. She wondered if you could leave her car for sale in the school lot and mail her the money. Lots of favors from this one today, you thought. But then...

"How much?" You wondered. Your roommate rambled about how much she paid for it, thinking of selling it for half the price now. 

"I'll buy it." You blurted, surprising yourself even. You'd had funds saved up now with nothing to spend them on. You may as well had started thinking of your new path forward. 

"Oh, that's right," Your roommate realized you'd been without your own transportation for a while now, and said she felt silly for not thinking to offer it to you right away. Once stalled outside the airport you wondered how much money you stashed in your wallet, finding only a couple hundred dollars. Your roommate stuck her hand out as you passed her the bills, but you were shocked when she handed you most of it back. 

"Happy birthday, and thanks for the ride. It was nice bunking with you!"

In the span of a thirty-minute ride you'd been shown a kindness that filled your heart. You'd considered new sets of hope you'd never knew existed. You saw the sun. You gained a car. You turned another year older. 

Driving back to campus, dread threatened to overcome you once more. But it was your birthday damn it. You had to find some way to keep yourself from slipping back into that bed of yours. 

To the cafe, it was. And to your surprise, Soren was there. 

"Happy birthday!" Soren smiled, arms opened wide behind the counter of his job. You chuckled and leaned across the sticky space to hug your friend. He said he'd tried to stop by your dorm this morning but no one answered. He must've arrived there as you left.

"I forgot you were meant to be back so soon." You said.

"My flight landed a couple days ago, Angus stayed to meet up with that old teacher he always talks about." Soren shrugged, going on to gush about the wedding they'd attended. And how much fun the boys had free of studies and schedules, away together. You stood there and listened, happy for Soren on one hand. Hurt by Angus absence all the while.

"Angus didn't say when he'd be back. But I swore I saw his car today. Could've just smoked too much before my shift though." Soren laughed as he poured you a coffee, free of charge. For your birthday, he insisted. You smiled and thanked your friend. Pursing your lips to suppress the surprising amount of emotion that rose within you at how kind everyone was being today. How much you didn't feel like you deserved their kindness.

"Thanks. Have a good shift, friend." 

Your next stop was the market. Your cupboards were bare, you already knew. And now that you were out of your stupor, your stomach ached with hunger. Some dinner, a drink, and a little tiny cake because why the hell not. Whether you deserved everyone else's kindness, you were allowed to make the most of today, right?

The afternoon passed slowly, light turning to dark outside. You considered Soren's story, how he thought he saw Angus' car today. How there was a chance he was back on campus. With a shot in the dark, you rang his dorm with your fingers crossed. No one answered, but you couldn't be too disappointed. He was still on the East Coast, you decided. He would've stopped by today right? If he was back in town, and if he knew it was your birthday, he would've stopped by. 

But then, you knew he knew it was your birthday. And night turned to morning, and he hadn't called. He would've at least called, right? If you hadn't fucked it all up, he would've. If everything hadn't changed, he should have. But all of a sudden it was four in the morning. And the slice of cake you'd saved just in case Angus came around was swiftly sent to the garbage. And the realization that everything was different was followed by the understanding that you didn't have a single thing stopping you from starting all over.

You cleaned up and found your suitcase and started throwing things in. Forming a quick plan, you found a notebook and a pen and hurriedly wrote your friends name on one side and a quick note on the other. Even though you were pissed at Angus, and hurt and confused by the turn your friendship had taken, he still deserved a goodbye.

'i dropped out. might call when i get settled someplace. here is to hoping you'll answer if i do'

It was cutting. It was short. But it was all true, and it wass the best thing you could think up, so hastily. You zipped your bags and threw them in your new back seat. You marched to Angus' dorm and slid the note under his door. You zoomed off campus and felt the weight of all that had happened fall from your chest.

You looked ahead as day light broke on the horizon, and smiled.

///

The Future

For a month, you kept your job cleaning houses, crossing the bridge to the rich neighborhoods as often as you could. You'd found a perfect little flat on the outskirts of a suburb. You even considered applying to some of the shops along the town's strip so you wouldn't have to drive as often.

You'd banked on the kindness of delivery drivers to help you move a bed and a few other furnishings into your new space. You'd decorated with mementos you'd clung to from childhood, and a couple pictures of the four greatest friends you'd ever had. When Tom was still alive, and everyone was carefree. Though all of that had ended, the photos you cherished from before brought you the same happiness you'd felt when the snapshots were taken.

You'd called Soren once or twice. To make sure someone knew you weren't dead. To make sure he was still showing up on time to work and to listen to the plot of whatever comic he was in the middle of reading. If conversation began to drift too far outside of those topics, you'd let your friend know you had to go, but promised to keep in touch.

You were just starting to feel like life made sense. You were just beginning to consider that not all hope was lost. While you were still at a loss for what to hope for, you were beginning to consider that there was a future beyond despair. Maybe it was finally time to call your best friend. Maybe you could talk to him now, without completely losing it...

You kept these thoughts at bay, not daring to let them spin your mind and soul into a depression. You pulled into a gas station, deciding only to occupy your afternoon with trivial things. With easy thoughts and simple tasks. You were allowed to do just that.

Just as you began to lose track of your thoughts in a daydream, leaned against your trunk watching the gas fill- a car screeched recklessly into the gas station lot. A woman carrying a couple of fountain sodas scurried out of the way of the boxy car and nearly dropped her beverages. A couple by standers cursed out the hapless driver as the car continued to skirt crookedly behind yours. You knew that make and model. You knew that scratched passenger door.

Oh, God.

Angus was clamoring from the driver's seat, slamming his door before he stomped up right to your face, yelling for the whole lot to hear.

"You dropped out?" Angus hissed. His dark curls bobbing as he pointed an angry finger your way. You saw a funny little rage in his gaze. And that pissed you off more than you'd already been.

"Oh, you found my note? How long did it take you?" You jabbed. "Three or four days? Week or two?"

"You can't drop out! There is only one year left!" Angus was in awe, waving his hands at you, yelling like there was a bubble between the pair of you he had to shout past to get your attention.

"I'm surprised you're aware of that. Haven't necessarily been keeping track of important dates as of late, have you?" You shot the guy a glare that could have killed him if your eyes were lasers or worse.

"Look, I know. I'm sorry. I am sorry." Angus whined your name, reaching out to grab your arm as you adjusted the gas pump from your car to its holder.

"For what?" You challenged. Because you believed he still hadn't realized how important this last time his absence had been.

"For going M.I.A. For not calling. For... everything. I have missed you, I just-" Angus sighed and cast his eyes down in shame you could feel begin to radiate from him. But ache as your heart might've for him, because it always had, you were far from done being mad.

"You've never missed my birthday before." You rose a brow, a sting filling up your chest that you had to make it so obvious to him. Angus head rose up slow, his downtrodden gaze turned into one of shock horror.

"Oh my God, no." He frowned. "No, no, no- I'm... so sorry," Angus called your name as you rolled your eyes and turned to open your car door. His please for you to stop mixed among a billion sorry's in the span of a minute. His hand stalled on your driver's door, and you stood glaring as Angus began to ramble. "Soren barely knew you'd left. He couldn't help me." Angus explained. "I went all around campus asking if you'd told anyone where you'd gone. So last resort, I drove across the bridge to Miss Julie's to ask if she'd seen you, and finally-"

Mid sentence, your brain whirred. This mother fucker drove an hour and a half across the city to ask a woman whose house you cleaned every other weekend if she'd seen you? Okay, maybe he cared more than you thought.

"And you don't call, you don't write, you leave me a vague ass note like I-"

And then you were pissed again. Because you did call. Angus was the one who left you hanging this last time.

"Angus, we are not doing this here." You swatted at him, breaking his grip on your car door. With a heavy sigh you asked him to follow you to your new little flat. Where you could yell all night long without a lot full of strangers gawking at the pair of you.

Your grip was white knuckled the whole drive home. Your heart was in your throat. There was no getting out of whatever confrontation that laid ahead with you and Angus. This was it.

You parked in your usual spot and marched toward the apartments to the tune of Angus slamming his door. You reached your home in a couple of turns, unlocking the door, and letting it swing open behind you. Angus slithered in as you hurried inside, straight for the bottle of rum on your counter. Finding two glasses in the cupboard, Angus stalled in the middle of your living space and decidedly went on where he left off. 

"Why the hell didn't you tell me about dropping out?" He called your name. His voice was softer than it had been at the gas pump. But his tone was more desperate. You took a sip of your drink, and slid his toward the end of the counter, locking eyes. You moved closer toward where he stood as Angus went on. "Why the hell didn't you tell me what happened with that dance instructor. Shit, you barely told Soren. But he knew. Why won't you talk to me?" Angus brought a hand to his middle, like he was holding in everything from spilling over. His usual brooding expression was downcast more than usual. His hair a little longer. His eyes still your favorite pair. You had really missed Angus.

"I don't know Angus! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I tried so hard to pass finals and I failed harder the more I tried. I gave everything I had to that dance class, and it blew up in my face. And then you... us... I couldn't afford to fuck up anymore. I had to go." You spoke, emotion raising in your voice as you stood sweeping a hand to gesture as you explained.

"You didn't fuck everything up. You can still take summer classes. You can fix it. You can find a new dance class. And I... you didn't fuck us up." Angus declared, speaking clearly but wearing a look as if he may have been unsure of himself. You watched as your friend took a few steps toward the drink you poured him. In the matter of a moment, his taste of rum was gone, and he was shamelessly reaching for the bottle to pour another drink.

"What if what I want doesn't matter?" You started, as he poured. "I tried so hard to pass and I failed. I tried so hard to dance and none of my practicing mattered more than a sexual favor would've. What if... what if I want you? What will the catch be? Because there seems to always be one, with me." You'd never been more clear. 

"Look I wasn't sure what we were going through at first." Angus sighed after sipping his second drink. And then he took a moment to glance about the room, seeming to decide something. "But then I went to that wedding, and I realized exactly what I wanted and how I felt. It's still confusing, you and me. But I want there to be a you and me, okay?" He seemed to mean it. He seemed to really mean what he said. But there was still a look of unnerve painted across his features.

"Angus you forgot my birthday." You reminded, downing the rest of your drink. Cocking his head sorrily, Angus reached for the rest of his rum.

"I know." He said. "And I'm sorry. I was late getting back into town." Angus sighed. "And my mother was in my dorm room when I got back, imagine that surprise-"

"Your mom?" You gasped. In the entire three and a half years you knew Angus, he'd only spoken about the woman twice, and spoken on the phone with her once. She'd never come to visit. As you processed this information you watched Angus' jaw clench, his teeth dig into his lip, his brow darken. 

"Yeah, so my dad... he, uh-" Angus blinked up to the ceiling, unable to hide the tremble in his voice.

"Angus, no."

"I tried to visit him when I was out there, after I met up with Paul. But when I asked to see my dad they said he'd been moved out of the facility for months, moved to some hospital, no one could remember which. And then my flight... And she didn't even tell me he'd been sick. She refused a funeral. And I never even got to say goodbye." Angus spoke like every word tore at his throat. Tears pooled in his eyes, falling when they filled up too much. 

"Why didn't you start with that?" You rang, unable to comprehend how so much loss and hurt could continue to reign over this year. You stepped forward to reach for Angus, grabbing at his arms and moving to smooth back his hair, wiping away the tear drop he missed with his sleeve.

"Because" Angus implored, shockingly ready with an answer. "This has been way too confusing for way too long and I couldn't keep it in any longer." He waved at the space that existed between you and himself, keeping his bloodshot brown eyes lasered to yours all the while. "If I want you, and if you want me, then what's stopping this from happening for us?"

"Because," You began, deciding in this moment to be brutally honest. The most honest you'd been all year. "I'm scared."

Angus shook his head, rejecting your reasoning. 

"You don't think I'm fucking scared too?" He huffed like it was obvious. But it hadn't been to you. "I love you. And that's terrifying. I'm in love with you. Enough to wait for you to say it back, if you want to. But you better only decide against this if you don't want it. You can't let this pass us by just because you're scared."

You struggled to hold back the tears springing into your eyes. You struggle to croak out any response that wasn't a curse. You struggled to wrap your mind around all that had been said. You couldn't help but let a sob escape, too overwhelmed by it all.

And then Angus was crying too, really crying. There was no reason left to hold back, to keep emotions locked down. Everything was out in the open now. Every tattered heartbroken truth had been shared. And there was nothing you could do to make it all better, no way to make sense of it in a flash. But you knew you could wrap your arms around Angus and hold on for dear life. 

When his lips met the crown of your head, you were reminded of every time he'd done so before. You were reminded of every late-night pub crawl and bad first date and mean teacher. You remembered every weekend road trip, every movie night in, every homemade dinner. And then you thought of now. You thought of all the hurt. You thought of all the tension and all the grief and all the looks across rooms shared with Angus. You hadn't a clue how to move ahead with him. You wanted to move ahead, but you just couldn't see how.

You began to push away. You shouldered out from Angus' hold on you and wiped at your eyes with a sleeve. You, gently as possible, moved his hand that clung to your side still. 

"Don't do that. Don't shut me out again." Angus implored; voice still wrought. Eye's still bright with sadness. 

"I know it's not what you want but I don't have any other answer for you right now. I'm sorry about everything too, Angus. I'm so sorry about your dad. But I can't- I don't know. Not yet." You sniffled. 

"This didn't go how I hoped." Angus released a heavy sigh, turning to pace before your kitchen counter. "But I'm gonna do what I said." He pointed at you. "I'm gonna wait and hope you'll give me a chance. I just need to make it clear that I don't want any version of my future to be without you in it. So... whatever you decide... I just love you okay? Do you hear me?" Angus rang. Then you remembered how he asked that same question at the diner. 

"I'm listening. And I hear you. And I'm sorry. Just... give me more time."

Angus left that afternoon with a grin when you asked him to stop back again in a couple days. And you went to bed that night in tears, happy or sad you weren't sure. 

///

A few months had passed since Angus appeared out of nowhere and berated you in the gas station parking lot. He was starting his final year of school. He stopped over most Fridays, and some nights in between. Sometimes Soren came with him, and you'd all stay up past midnight cackling like a band of fools. You'd sent Kiara your new address, and she sent some post cards from Canada. The messages she included were never very long, but she always signed her name with a heart dotting the I. 

On the weekends Angus hung around, he mentioned missing Tom. He mentioned wishing he didn't have to miss Kiara too. Wishing for one more night all together. When Angus hung around, he talked a lot about his studies and the stories from the history books he'd been learning. When he hung around, he'd sometimes end up staying the night. When he left the mornings after, he'd always end up coming back around.

You kept cleaning houses. You kept those old pictures hung up like trophies. You wondered about finding a new dance studio on this side of town. But you weren't sure if you were ready. So, all things considered, you went to that little cafe on your old campus to find a friend for lunch.

"So, I went to Claires house yesterday." Soren began his story with a wry grin, unwrapping his meal from home. The coffee shop was busier than usual, full of students new to campus and ones eager to leave. "I asked her if that cat still hung around. Long story short she said if I could catch him, I could keep him. So I went to the gas station on the corner and bought a bag of jerky. Set up a little trail from the fence to the patio. It was about an hour before the little guy showed up. He didn't even go for the jerky he just came right up to me and let me pick him up!"

Soren went on to explain how easy it was to take the cat home and how soundly the pet had been sleeping in his window sill. You laughed and beamed and felt glad for the outcome on your friend's behalf. You couldn't imagine the basket case he'd have become if the cat fought his capture. 

The cafe began to crowd with more people, somehow, standing between tables that all filled up with patrons. Soren sighed and rushed to finish his food, knowing they'd want his help the busier business got. 

"We really need to meet up sometime when it's not your break." You mentioned. He nodded, sharing part of his dessert like he always did. 

"Do you always bring your lunch? I never see you order here." You realized, suddenly. Besides coffee, there were some reasonably decent snacks the cafe had to offer. But Soren never seemed to indulge.

"I don't even like coffee, man." 

You laughed and wondered why the hell he worked here then. 

"It's the first job that called me back after an interview. It's the job that got me out of debt. I love it here. Everything comes full circle, ya know?" Soren explained, but you asked him to go on still. 

"It's like with Tom. He died, man. But that little grey cat that ate the flowers we planted for Tom lets me feed him fast food every night. You can't convince me that's not my friend. He came back." Soren waved a hand, as if to rope his next point in with the one he'd just made. "I needed money, I got a job and made enough to pay off my debt and enough to pack my own lunches every day. Everything we want is already ours. If it doesn't happen one time it'll happen another. It's all a big circle."

Somehow, a light switched on in your brain. Somehow, everything you'd been worried about didn't feel so heavily weighed on your chest. Somehow, you had an answer for Angus.

"Soren, you brilliant hippie freak." You gawked at your friend in awe as he rushed to take one last bite of the sandwich he'd brought. Soren was hurrying to stand, hurrying to get back to work. And you were suddenly in a rush too, now that everything clicked. With a quick hug goodbye, you darted for the shop doors, excusing yourself through a crowd of grumpy college students eagerly awaiting their caffeine fix.

///

Your home was quiet, the good kind. Stillness welcomed you as your thoughts continued to align in place for what felt like the first time in your entire life. Your brain was free of cluttered worries. Your heart was beating at a steady pace. It was all clicking. And you even still had a couple hours to make a decent dinner for two.

Angus arrived when he said he would, bursting in the door with complaints of teachers who were bad at their jobs and students who were too dumb to care. You laughed and listened and set a place at your table for him. Over dinner, you talked about considering dancing again. Angus encouraged you. He talked about taking a year after graduating to relax. You said he should. You each helped clean up easily and welcomed the quiet together. 

You each floated to the couch afterward like you were used too by now. You let the telly play whatever was on, and relaxed under the weight of your best friends arm that laid over your shoulders.

"Angus..." You decided, grabbing his attention as both of your eyes stayed glued to the actor on the screen. Your friend hummed in response. 

"I miss the way everything was before." You admitted. You missed your friends, the nights you all spent as a group. You missed the life you'd had worked out for yourself back then. You noticed Angus had turned his head to face you, his brows lifted as if to display sympathy. His grief free to reveal itself for a moment. Angus' almond eyes floated from his lap to meet yours as you shot him a pursed shrug. 

"It scares me that this is what life has played out like." You went on, watching Angus watch you speak. His eyes landed on your lips. His voice was a whisper when he asked you to go on. 

"What if we keep changing?" You implored, nodding toward Angus as his gaze danced from your eyes to your mouth. "If we fall in love I want it to stay that way. I can't have you be my next great disaster. I'd rather keep you at a distance than dare to let you break my heart somehow." You revealed. 

Angus rose his hand to brush across your face. He let his fingers find your hair and curl among the strands.

"We've already lost a bit of what we were before, haven't we?" You begged for clarification, validation, mutual understanding. If you were gonna let him in, you needed Angus to remember all the reasons you'd been weary to do so, up till now. You needed to make sure his mind hadn't locked onto worry and changed.

He was pressing a gentle kiss to your lips then. A simple soft gesture that lingered with intention. 

"Why does it have to be lost? Why can't it just be changed for the better?" Your friend wondered, his voice low, his presence before you whole and consistent as ever. You'd heard enough to shut up and kiss him back. And then it was happening, what usually happened when Angus kissed you. Your heart hammered and your brain latched onto thoughts of only him and your hands gripped to pull him close. 

Angus dragged you to bed, something that had happened a few times here, in this new reality. You did all the things there that you had done before. You marveled over how Angus held you and cared for you and stared at you with undeniable adoration.

And after a while, when you'd both done all you could do, you laid there still. In the low lamp light, you stayed tangled up with Angus, running fingers through his hair and listening to his heartbeat. And you talked about what compelled each of you to kiss in the first place. You talked about how you felt the night he shagged you on the guest bedroom floor. He talked about how overwhelmed he was when you boned him in the front seat of his car. You collectively wondered how different things might've turned out if Tom didn't die. If school went better. What life would look like now, if things were different.

"I don't know. I've been worried that I don't have control over anything. Like my whole life has just happened to me. What if that's like... my curse?" You sighed, staring up at the amber glow from your bed side lamp.

"I've been where you are, before. When I met Paul. And one night he told me 'your history doesn't have to define your destiny.' And that rocked my world, man." Angus lamented. "I wish I could explain it all away for you just as easy. But all I can do is wait, and hope something clicks for you. Wait and hope you'll see something good enough in me to let me prove it to you. That's what love is, isn't it? Or could be?"

"Yeah. It already clicked for me." You revealed. It was time. It was easy to admit. It was true. Angus hummed as a plea for clarity, tapping his finger against your temple out of habit, you assumed. 

"It already clicked for me. That can be what love is. We can be in love and scared about it together." You said. 

The room filled with a quiet you were familiar with. Angus laid still beneath you. Until finally he spoke up. 

"You mean that?" 

Soren said that everything you may have wanted in life was already yours. And some how that made sense. No matter that Tom died, he was your friend. Nothing could change that fact. Kiara had been so distant, but she was writing to you. She came back. Soren caught the cat. And Angus laid in your bed. And no matter what had happened before, he was here now, and you didn't want to take that for granted out of fear it might all slip away. 

With a grin and a nod, you shifted to meet Angus' almond eyes. His were hazy under his brooding brow. You were glad you didn't have to miss him anymore. He was all yours. You'd always belonged to him whether you realized it or not. And nothing was going to change that.

///

That holiday season you joined Angus on a trip to the East Coast. He made fun of you for being so cold but shared his jackets all the while. Angus took you to all the places his dad used to like. You helped him hold a memorial his mother denied planning, and neither of you mentioned her at all. 

You sat beside him in a cab, watching a steady snow fall collect along the sidewalks. You were on your way to meet your boyfriend's favorite old teacher. You planned to tell him all about Tom. In fact, you had a lot of plans that featured Angus these days. And he, with you. And of that you were very happily certain.

[shesluxuriousx]

🌟 6-Month Glow-Up Challenge 💗

Month 1: Self-Care & Wellness

Physical Health: Start a new workout routine or enhance your current one. Aim for at least 30 minutes of exercise, 3-5 times a week, and incorporate a daily goal of 10,000 steps.

Mental Health: Begin a daily meditation or journaling practice. Set aside 10 minutes each day for mindfulness.

Skincare: Establish a skincare routine tailored to your skin type. Cleanse, tone, and moisturize daily.

Month 2: Personal Style & Grooming

Wardrobe Refresh: Evaluate your wardrobe and add a few key pieces that make you feel confident. Experiment with new styles or colors.

Hair Care: Try a new haircut or hair color. Maintain regular trims and hair treatments.

Grooming: Establish a grooming routine that includes regular nail care, eyebrow shaping, and other personal grooming habits.

Month 3: Learning & Growth

Skill Development: Take up a new hobby or skill, whether it’s cooking, painting, or learning a new language.

Reading: Read a book related to personal growth or a topic you're passionate about. Aim for at least one book this month.

Courses: Enroll in an online course or workshop that interests you.

Month 4: Social & Professional Development

Networking: Connect with new people in your field or area of interest. Attend networking events or join professional groups.

Career Goals: Set clear, achievable career goals. Update your resume or LinkedIn profile and work on a project that showcases your skills.

Social Life: Strengthen relationships with friends and family. Plan a gathering or reach out to someone you’ve lost touch with.

Month 5: Nutrition & Fitness

Healthy Eating: Incorporate more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains into your diet. Try meal prepping or cooking new, healthy recipes.

Hydration: Aim to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. Keep track with a water bottle or app.

Fitness Challenge: Set a specific fitness goal, like running a certain distance or achieving a new personal best. Continue aiming for 10,000 steps daily.

Month 6: Reflection & Celebration

Self-Reflection: Review your progress and reflect on how you’ve grown over the past 5 months. Write down your achievements and any areas for improvement.

Celebrate: Treat yourself to something special. It could be a spa day, a new outfit, or a fun activity you enjoy.

Future Goals: Set new goals for the next 6 months based on your experiences and growth.

[femmefatalevibe]

Femme Fatale Guide: How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome & Perfectionism

How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome:

Keep Your Ideal Self Top of Mind: While you can't ever truly "fake it until you make it," it is essential to cultivate the belief that can act in accordance with your ideal self. Consider what the ideal version of yourself would do on a daily basis: What would your morning routine/night routine look like? How would you prioritize tasks or activities throughout your day? What would you consider your metrics for a successful project, task, social interaction, or professional activity? How would you describe a productive day, week, or month? Qualify and quantify these ideal metrics to give yourself a blueprint to move forward toward your goals and become the best version of yourself.

Competence Builds Confidence: Remember that the notion of an "overnight success story" is a fallacy. Quickly-awarded achievements, seemingly effortless skill sets, or having the perfect script for every occasion typically stem from hours or years of practice, experiences, studying, self-development, and trial and error. Over time, you refine these crafts until you can consider them as strengths. This inner knowing gives you the self-assurance needed to truly believe in yourself and it's contagious in your work, speech, and body language. Competence radiates inner confidence, without a question.

Remember Everything Is Relative: Logically, we know that comparing the middle of someone's journey to the beginning of yours doesn't make any sense. While it can be intimidating to enter the ring as a beginner, remember that the most skilled and successful people you know were at one point at square one. The only way to catch up to those you admire is to make an effort in the first place. However, because you're a beginner, give yourself some grace and remember that making mistakes is part of the learning process. It is better to fail in the beginning before people have certain expectations of you. But, the truth is, no one truly knows what they're doing. More time existing and life experience only helps us make better judgments to more accurately assess the proper next move.

Perceive Attempts As Data: Success is all about pattern recognition. See what "inputs" derive certain "outputs." Some attempts – at a certain career path, academic concentration, interpersonal interactions – will be advantageous with many that are neutral and some that go sour. Do not allow an unanswered email to a pitch, a lower grade on an assignment, or an ending of any type of relationship to feel like a moral failure and as a marker of your worth (personally, professionally, etc.). Evaluate what you did correctly and seek out areas for improvement. The more attempts you make, the more data you collect in order to help you make accurate assessments going forward. Consider this your motivation to start.

Accept Failures As Life Lessons: Failures offer a unique opportunity for self-reflection and course correction. Consider the mistakes that lead you to a negative outcome or the unfavorable circumstances you entered into (e.g. not studying for a test or already seeing red flags during the job interview). Use these opportunities to refine your strategies to succeed. While failures might not be inherently positive in the short term, failing fast saves you a lot of trouble along the way.

How To Overcome Perfectionism:

Find Stupidly Small Ways To Start: Write the title on a document and some keywords you want to use; Write an introductory sentence to an email; Place the first photo on the collage; Mix the spices together for a dish –literally anything to get you started on the task at hand. Give yourself a small push to gain momentum to keep going.

Set A Timer: Gamify any task by making it a race against the clock. Set a timer for 10, 20, or 30 minutes to see how much you can get done with a short spurt for hyper-focus. Focus on output, not outcomes when using this method. Remember: You can always go back and edit a project or refine the details of a space, meal, or task after. You will probably surprise yourself with how much you get done and how quick it is to elevate the standard of any timed work.

Consider Consequences of Delayed Action: Procrastination is perfectionism's greatest frenemy. The quicker you are to begin a task or strategize how to initiate a conversation, the more likely you will be to make it happen and give yourself the brain space to mull over the ideas before sharing the final product. Shitty first drafts of anything in life are welcomed. You can always edit later before finishing or showcasing something you want to take pride in. A step forward gives you guidance toward the right path. A step backward provides insight into how to strategize to win in the future. The only guaranteed way to never achieve greatness in a certain area of life is to not start in the first place.

[studentbyday]

catharsis: nearing the end

counting down the weeks to freedom (🏫🙅🏻‍♀️) and in need of stress relief (💆🏻‍♀️🕊️🧘🏻‍♀️)...

1. october (tchaikovsky): maybe one day i will record this song bc it's one of my favorites. also really befitting my underlying mood in this latter half of the semester. under all the stress and frustration, i am just tired. i want to see the world. i want to feel the joy of living again. making my life revolve around the confines of school does not feel like living.

2. apparition de giselle (adolphe adam): the music at the part where she's spinning in circles in the "initiation" scene. that's what today feels like. a flurry of movement, a little desperate, and despite the energy, unfulfilled. even soulless. i'm tired, that's all. stupid insomnia - you know that feeling where you're physically tired and when you lie down on the bed it feels like such a relief, yet you can't fall asleep? i don't know why that happens. am i worried about something? possibly? maybe? but during the day, i don't think i feel super worried.

3. mazurka op. 68 no. 3 (chopin): the first piece by chopin i ever played. the way i heard it in my head and the way i played it didn't have as stately a character as this interpretation, but this was the recording i drew most of my inspiration from. i really miss playing piano and the youthful glow i had felt in that era. it feels like ages ago. and with every passing year, it seems i have more pressing priorities like learning how to be an adult, the desire to forge new relationships and tend to them, and establishing my career, so piano consistently falls to the wayside. i don't regret my career choice tho... gladly, after a long-drawn existential crisis in high school, trying to come to a career path that had the best chance of balancing my needs and wants with the world's, i'm still satisfied with my decision. i want to learn how to use my potential to be of service to others, including those beyond my inner circle. i also want to practice piano after my dreaded winter exams. i will make time for both. 4. rainy day coffee shop ambience with piano music and distant thunder: that satisfaction at having stumbled upon the truth, the solidness of it finding a home in my chest. ☺️ i finally figured out what's wrong mentally and now i have something to work with rather than just floundering, feeling "some type of way", unable to get out of it because i don't even know what "it" is. i'm 99% sure that's what's causing my insomnia. i feel so much more hopeful and peaceful now with my feelings validated and all. 🥺 (update: i had the best sleep i've had in ages ☺️)

5. i dreamed a dream (claude-michel schönberg): i seem to always cycle through the same songs like i'm constantly circling the same drain. do i really always cycle through the same set of feelings every couple of weeks? 🤷🏻‍♀️ i have dreams i don't know i can reach. some of them feel more like fantasies than dreams... in my mind, dreams are super ambitious goals i don't know if i can reach but that are in theory possible to reach (more variables are in my control and have a good chance of affecting the future in the way i want), while fantasies are dreams that are closer to impossible to achieve (fewer variables are in my control and may not have a good chance of affecting the future in the way i want). i don't know, maybe they just feel like fantasies for now, and really, it's not impossible. idk, i don't have a crystal ball...

6. the sound of silence: i literally mean the sound of silence tho, not the song 😂 so underrated when the mind has been a noisy mess. ... and then in random mindless moments, like in the shower or when clearing away the dishes, all the music comes rushing back, begging to be heard and felt and loved.

7. arabesque no. 1 (debussy): learned about CBT in psych so i'm trying out using the situation -> thoughts -> feelings -> behavior template in my journal so hopefully i can figure out why i do or don't do the things i do 😅 and then maybe branch into some small "behavioral experiments"...not really sure yet but hopefully it brings me some clarity!

[pitchnhirejobs]

How to Get a Job: Top Tips to Land Your Next Role

Landing a job can feel like navigating a maze—exciting but often challenging. In today’s competitive job market, it’s not just about finding any job; it’s about finding the right job that aligns with your skills and career goals. The good news? With the right preparation and strategy, you can significantly increase your chances of landing your dream role. In this guide, we’ll walk you through some of the top tips to help you stand out and secure your next job.

Self-Assessment Before you dive into job applications, take a step back and do a little self-reflection. Knowing what you’re good at and where you need improvement is crucial. Identify Your Strengths and Weaknesses: Start by listing your key skills and experiences. What are you really good at? Where do you shine in your current or past roles? At the same time, be honest about areas where you could improve. Understanding these aspects of yourself will help you apply for roles that truly match your capabilities. Set Clear Career Goals: What do you want from your next job? Is it a step up in your current career path, a shift into a new industry, or maybe a role with a better work-life balance? Clearly defining your goals will help you focus your job search on positions that align with your aspirations. Tailoring Your Job Search: Instead of applying to every job you come across, focus on those that match your skills and goals. This targeted approach will not only save you time but also increase your chances of landing a job that’s a good fit for you.

Resume and Cover Letter Preparation Your resume and cover letter are often the first impression you make on a potential employer. Make sure they represent you well.

Crafting a Standout Resume: Your resume should be clear, concise, and focused on your achievements. Use bullet points to highlight your key responsibilities and accomplishments in previous roles. Make sure your resume is easy to read and free of any clutter or unnecessary information.

Personalizing Your Cover Letter: A generic cover letter won’t do you any favours. Take the time to tailor each cover letter to the specific job and company. Mention the company’s name, the role you’re applying for, and why you’re excited about the opportunity. Show them you’ve done your homework and are genuinely interested in the position.

Showcasing Achievements and Skills: Don’t just list your job duties—highlight your achievements. Did you exceed sales targets? Streamline a process? Lead a successful project? Make sure these accomplishments are front and centre on your resumes 3. Job Search Strategies The job search process has evolved, and there are more tools than ever to help you find opportunities. Here’s how to make the most of them.

Utilizing Online Job Portals: Websites like LinkedIn, Indeed, and Glassdoor are excellent resources for finding job openings. Set up job alerts to be notified when positions that match your criteria are posted. Also, make sure your LinkedIn profile is up to date, as many recruiters use the platform to find candidates.

Networking: Never underestimate the power of networking. Many jobs aren’t advertised publicly, so having a strong network can give you access to these hidden opportunities. Reach out to former colleagues, attend industry events, and engage with professionals in your field online.

Company Research: Take the time to research companies that interest you. What’s their culture like? What are their values? By understanding more about a company, you can tailor your application to align with what they’re looking for and stand out as a candidate. 4. Acing the Interview Getting an interview is a big step, but it’s just the beginning. Now it’s time to show them why you’re the best fit for the role.

Preparation is Key: Before the interview, research the company thoroughly. Understand their products, services, culture, and recent news. Practice answering common interview questions, and prepare examples that showcase your skills and experience. Dressing appropriately is also important—when in doubt, it’s better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed.

Showcasing Your Skills: During the interview, be clear about what you bring to the table. Use specific examples from your past experience to demonstrate how you’ve successfully handled similar tasks or challenges. Remember, it’s not just about what you’ve done, but how it’s relevant to the role you’re applying for.

Asking the Right Questions: An interview is a two-way street. Prepare a few thoughtful questions to ask the interviewer. This shows that you’re genuinely interested in the role and helps you gather important information about whether the company is the right fit for you. 5. Follow-Up After the interview, don’t just sit back and wait. Taking a few extra steps can make a big difference.

Sending a Thank-You Note: A simple thank-you email can go a long way. Express your appreciation for the opportunity to interview, reiterate your interest in the role, and briefly mention why you believe you’re a great fit. It’s a small gesture that can leave a positive impression.

Staying in Touch: If you don’t hear back right away, don’t panic. It’s okay to send a polite follow-up email after a week or so. This keeps you on the employer’s radar without being too pushy. 6. Handling Rejection Rejection is a normal part of the job search process, but it doesn’t make it any less disappointing. Here’s how to handle it constructively.

Keeping a Positive Mindset: It’s easy to get discouraged, but try to stay positive. Every “no” is one step closer to a “yes.” Keep reminding yourself that the right opportunity is out there, and you just need to keep moving forward.

Learning from Feedback: If you’re fortunate enough to receive feedback after a rejection, use it to your advantage. Reflect on what you could improve and apply those lessons to your next application or interview.

Staying Persistent: The job search can be a long process, but persistence pays off. Keep applying, keep refining your approach, and eventually, you’ll land the right role. Conclusion Job searching can be tough, but by following these tips, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the process and find a role that’s a great fit for you. Remember, it’s all about preparation, persistence, and maintaining a positive mindset. Keep pushing forward, and don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice along the way. Good luck with your job search—you’ve got this!

[cosmiccannibalcamille]

Cosmic Weather Forecast: 2024 Virgo Season

What: Virgo Season

When: Aug. 22 - Sept. 22

Who’s Impacted: EVERYONE, but esp. Virgo (obviously)

Takeaway: Virgo’s energy might not be the flashiest, but it’s where the real magic happens—this is the time to refine your skills, polish your projects, and perfect your art.

     Buh-bye, Leo Season! Your time to shine, party, and strut your stuff has officially ended. The Sun has moved on, and so must you. It’s time to say hello to Virgo Season, which runs from Aug. 22 through Sept. 22. This earthy, meticulous, and borderline OCD zodiac sign is here to help you transition from lazy summer days to a productivity powerhouse.

     Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Virgo Season? Really? Why can’t Leo season last forever??.” (Well, OK. Maybe you’re only thinking that if you’re a Leo or Leo Rising…) But trust me, you need this. Because let’s be real, 2024 Leo Season was a hot mess of Mercury Retrograde slowdowns, Saturn square meltdowns, and enough drama to fill a season of Real Housewives. (Or maybe that was just me?) Leo had us all feeling like the star of our own show, demanding the spotlight and relishing in the chaos. But now, the Sun is packing up its glitzy bags and moving into something a bit more practical. Virgo P!nk being shocked and ultimately thrilled by the messes in need of cleaning, organizing, and fixing.

     Virgo is the zodiac’s meticulous manager, stepping in to clean up the mess Leo Season’s astrology left behind. This season is all about efficiency, productivity, and yes, a little bit of perfectionism. You’ll find yourself more critical of your work, but that’s a good thing—Virgo energy pushes you to strive for excellence. Whether it’s your life, career, creativity, or love life, Virgo season is the time to take stock, assess the damage, and put things back in order. Lists become your new best friend, and suddenly, you’re finding joy in color-coded calendars and neatly labeled storage bins. (In other words: it’s time to go to Target.)

Get YOUR Virgo Season Gifts for your favorite Virgo!

     While Leo season had you dreaming big and making bold moves (some of which may have backfired thanks to all those retrogrades), Virgo season asks you to get real. This is the time to focus on the details, perfect your craft, and set practical, achievable goals. It’s less about making a splash and more about laying a solid foundation. You’ll find yourself more critical of your work, but that’s a good thing—Virgo energy pushes you to strive for excellence. And let’s not forget the obsession with health and wellness. This is the season to start that new workout routine or finally tackle those tasks you’ve been avoiding.

Get the FULL Virgo Season Forecast on The Cosmic Almanac:

[thetruescript]

Best Self-Help Journals for Men 2024

Journaling offers a range of benefits that can enhance both mental and emotional well-being. Here are some key advantages:

Self-Reflection: Journaling provides a space for introspection, helping you understand your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors more deeply. This self-awareness can lead to personal growth and improved decision-making.

Stress Reduction: Writing about your experiences and emotions can be a therapeutic outlet for stress. It helps to organize thoughts and can reduce anxiety by providing clarity and perspective.

Emotional Expression: Journaling allows you to express your emotions freely without judgment. This can be particularly helpful for processing complex feelings or dealing with challenging situations.

Problem-Solving: Putting problems on paper can make them feel more manageable and allow you to brainstorm solutions more effectively. Seeing your thoughts laid out can help identify patterns and insights you might not notice otherwise.

Creativity Boost: Regular writing can stimulate creativity. It provides a space to explore ideas, experiment with new concepts, and think outside the box.

Memory and Comprehension: Journaling can improve memory and comprehension by reinforcing your thoughts and experiences. Writing things down helps consolidate them in your mind.

Goal Setting and Tracking: Keeping a journal can aid in setting and tracking personal goals. Documenting progress and reflecting on achievements can keep you motivated and focused.

Enhanced Communication Skills: Regular writing can improve your ability to articulate thoughts clearly and effectively, which can benefit both personal and professional communication.

Mindfulness and Presence: Journaling encourages mindfulness by helping you stay present with your thoughts and experiences. This can enhance your overall sense of well-being and presence.

Personal Legacy: Over time, your journal becomes a record of your personal history, capturing your growth, experiences, and insights. It can be a meaningful artifact to look back on and share with others.

Overall, journaling is a versatile tool that can support various aspects of mental and emotional health, making it a valuable practice for many people. Below are some journals to get you started on your journaling journey.

1. Safe Space: A Self-Care Journal for Men of Color

MEN OF COLOR are often misunderstood in every aspect of any culture we exist in. Often times, this confusion is created because we do not have the time to understand ourselves in a world that constantly demands our evolution at every turn of societal change. As the world changes, this journal is designed to keep you grounded by helping you see yourself when others do not.

This space is about integrity, honesty, and growth. Be Honest. Reflect on your strengths and weaknesses. Reflect on your experiences. Vulnerability is a power tool in self-reflection and self-actualization. Without honesty and the courage to be vulnerability, this journal and the prompts will not serve you. Turn the pages with courage. Write with vulnerability. Reflect for growth. Black man...you matter. So let's find your Safe Space.

2. The Daily Journal For Men: 365 Questions To Deepen Self-Awareness

Imagine a journal that not only helps you uncover your deepest thoughts but also guides you toward becoming the best version of yourself—across every area of your life.

Designed with 365 thought-provoking questions, this one-year journal will help you gain clarity, discover new ideas, and take control of your destiny. Whether you're focused on improving your finances, enhancing your relationships, advancing in your career, or boosting your health, this journal is your trusted companion on the journey to self-improvement.

Why You Need This Journal:

365 Guided Questions for Self-Improvement: Delve deep into every aspect of your life with daily prompts that inspire reflection and growth.

Find Your Best Self: Whether it’s money, dating, career, or health, this journal helps you identify and achieve your personal goals.

Portable and Practical: With its 6x9 format, it’s the perfect size to keep on your nightstand or take with you wherever inspiration strikes.

A Powerful Tool for Personal Growth: Transform your thoughts into actions and start living the life you’ve always wanted.

The Daily Journal for Men isn’t just about writing—it’s about creating a better, more successful you. This journal is designed to help you reflect on your current life and make the necessary changes to build a brighter future.

3. The Daily Practice

The Daily Practice is a journal that includes sections for Gratitude, Check-In on Emotions, Review of Yesterday, Things to Let Go of Today, Manifestation, Preview of Today, Prayer, Accountability for Meditation and Exercise and Notes and Reminders.

The practice itself is intended to be a daily 10-minute morning exercise that reinforces self-awareness, action, accountability and mental health

4. Mental Health Journal for Black Men: Prompts and Practices to Prioritize Yourself and Work on Your Well-Being

Empower yourself with these insightful journal prompts for Black men

Black men experience uniquely difficult challenges in the world, but caring for your emotional and mental health can help you create lasting happiness. This guided journal paves the way for you to live your best life with powerful prompts, practices, and affirmations to support Black mental health.

Take stock of your emotional health―Learn to recognize your stressors and connect with your feelings through self-awareness exercises like body scans, self-esteem assessments, and more.

Reduce stress and anxiety―Cultivate mindfulness and avoid self-judgment in everyday life with practices that highlight self-reflection and compassion.

Find support in community―Learn how to identify your support network, strengthen connections, and feel comfortable asking for help.

Prioritize your well-being as a Black man with this focused mental health journal.

5. THE BLACK PAGE BOOK; Mindfulness Journaling For MEN: Black Paper. Clear Mind. The Black Page Book: Mindfulness for Men

Unveil a Path to Greater Clarity and Peace

The Black Page Book: Mindfulness Journaling for Men is your powerful guide to enhancing mental well-being.Break free from the noise and reconnect with yourself. This unique journal, crafted with black paper for a distinctive experience, provides a safe space for men to explore their thoughts, emotions, and goals through the practice of mindfulness journaling.The Black Page Book empowers you to navigate life's challenges and cultivate inner peace.Reclaim your focus, prioritize self-care, and embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery with The Black Page Book.

Dive deeper and unlock your potential with:

Prompts specifically tailored to men's mental health concerns

Exercises to cultivate focus and emotional awareness

High-quality premium black paper for a striking and intimate writing experience

Durable and stylish cover for discreet use.

Perfect for men seeking to improve their mental well-being.

Embrace mindfulness journaling and embark on a transformative journey towards a stronger, more balanced you.

***As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases***

[eliteprepsat]

A Guide to Achieving a Healthier School-Life Balance

The concept of having a work-life balance refers to maintaining an equilibrium between one’s career and personal responsibilities. In a world focused just as much on our successes and upward mobility as it is on our mental health, achieving such a work-life balance has been the topic of much discussion in recent years. Companies have even gone to great lengths to create funded initiatives to ensure their employees have the best work-life balance possible. More balanced individuals are more productive employees, after all.

Unfortunately, though, when you’re in high school and college no such initiatives exist. Nonetheless, students share the same experience of competing pressures from both school and life. As a student today, one might even argue that a school-life balance is often more difficult to attain due to increasing demands placed on young people to achieve. But, the same holds true here as in the workplace: More balanced students are more productive students.

With this in mind, below are 8 tips for helping you reach a healthier school-life balance. If you practice these tips now, making them second nature, they will follow you into college and beyond into your career.

1. Set boundaries

With the amount of work that high school course schedules demand of us, it can become easy to give our entire lives over to them. While the hope is that such studiousness will eventually lead to great success, working so hard all of the time can actually be harmful.

Therefore, it’s important to establish boundaries when it comes to our school work.

Boundaries help to ensure that we don’t give all of our time to studying, but that we also leave room for other activities that we enjoy. This “down time” refreshes our bodies and minds, actually allowing us to be more productive when we do return to our school work.

To begin working within boundaries, study diligently throughout the week, but (if possible) take at least one day off from school work per week to do the things you especially enjoy. If you’re not in a position to take an entire day off from school work, try to leave at least a portion of one day free for enjoyable activities. During these designated “times off,” allow yourself the luxury of not even thinking about your school work at all.

On days that you do work, be sure to schedule in breaks. Rather than take work breaks at random, utilize the Pomodoro Method, which is a great approach for ensuring productivity without burnout. In this method, a series of timers are set to track periods of work followed by shorter periods of rest. There are many free Pomodoro Method timers online, but this one is especially handy (and cute!).

2. Focus on time management by establishing priorities and setting goals

You likely won’t be able to finish your entire research project today (at least not well!). But, you can plan to finish the last chapter of your chosen novel today, research the author’s life tomorrow, and begin writing your introductory paragraph the next day.

The point here is that when you procrastinate and then set out to complete an entire task in one sitting, that task is often overwhelming. But when you pace yourself by setting manageable tasks that you can complete incrementally, that same project doesn’t feel so insurmountable.

To help with time management, create a to-do list, placing tasks of highest priority at the top of the list and working your way down to tasks of lowest priority. If you’re a visual person, write these individual tasks out on stickie notes that you can crumple up and throw away once each one has been completed. Physicalizing your accomplishments in this way brings a sense of accomplishment that simply crossing items out on a list does not.

3. Then, reward yourself when you reach your goals

Beyond the implicit reward of simply accomplishing tasks, plan explicit rewards to accompany each of your set goals. Whether it’s with a break, a piece of chocolate, or an episode of your favorite show, treat yourself when you achieve a set goal on your to-do list.

Your goals needn’t be extravagant in every case in order to warrant a reward, either. Have you read 20 pages of your book? Put the finishing touches on your science project? Let the reward match the achievement. Whatever the case, it always helps to have something to look forward to!

4. Practice mindfulness by powering-down

The masses have long praised the idea of multitasking. Yet, we live in a time when this approach to productivity is being questioned. In fact, more recent research points to multitasking’s leading to negative effects, including increased stress and decreased cognitive functioning.

What’s recommended instead of multitasking is that you give your full attention to one task at a time. In other words, what’s recommended is that you practice mindfulness while at work.

In this article, Matt Tenney, author of The Mindfulness Edge, explains four ways that mindfulness improves productivity—including eliminating distractions and producing stronger work—by supporting his claims with evidence from an array of university studies.

One way to practice mindfulness while studying is to “unplug” by taking a break from technology. Reducing internet distractions—such as texting, social media, and even Google—can have real gains on your productivity.

5. Say goodbye to baggage

We are often reminded of the importance of extracurricular activities, especially when it comes to college admissions. Since this is the case, we tend to become involved in many extracurriculars, or we become so deeply invested in the few extracurriculars we’ve chosen that it seems they’ve taken precedence over our school work—and have even taken over our lives!

The important thing to remember is that extracurriculars are beneficial. But, they are only beneficial if they are enhancing and not draining your life.

So, do an inventory. If any of your extracurricular activities seem to be more of a drain on your time and energy than an enhancement to your current happiness and potential future success, drop them from your schedule. Place this saved time and energy into the activities you are benefiting from, and you will likely see an improvement in these areas.

6. Upgrade your study hour

Another way to improve your school-life balance is to simply find a way to enjoy the school part of the equation more. This may seem like wishful thinking; but, if you can think of your studies less as work and more as play, then you are sure to approach this time with more balance.

So, what helps you get through hours of reading or studying for exams? Listening to your favorite music? Having your favorite latte by your side? Working with a big group of your best friends? Taking your work outside to the park or to the beach? Whatever the case may be, do yourself a favor by making study hour more enjoyable for yourself. This way, you will be less hardwired to dread your time spent hitting the books.

And if a place like the park or beach isn’t easily accessible to you, check out our previous article on Creating a Great Study Space.

7. Lean on your support system

When in doubt, don’t be afraid to ask for help—from friends, family, and teachers/other mentors. It can be helpful just to have friends and family who simply understand what you’re going through with the heavy workload of school. A shoulder to lean on and an ear to confide in can go a long way toward relieving stress. And a best buddy or an understanding parent can also be key to getting you out of the house (and out of your head!) after a particularly long and grueling study session.

Teachers/mentors, on the other hand, can provide more “practical” solutions for helping to alleviate the worry from school work. Whether by suggesting additional reading, offering personally-tailored study tips, or pointing you in the direction of helpful tutors like those at Elite, these trusted adults can be a great resource in your search for a better school-life balance.

8. Practice self-care by forgetting “perfection”

As modern students with such big workloads, it can become easy to neglect our own self-care. However, whatever this phrase (“self-care”) means to you—be it physical, mental, or emotional preservation—it’s important to maintain the practice even (and especially!) when a school-life balance seems the most difficult to achieve.

Forms of self-care are as numbered and unique as the people on Earth. You know what works best for you. But one thing is universal: To practice better self-care, try letting go of your belief in “perfection.”

In a time when social media has us constantly comparing ourselves to others, and life goals such as college admissions are increasingly competitive, it makes sense to dot every “i” and cross every t”—just maybe not 9 times.

Reaching for what you deem as “perfection” isn’t always beneficial. This is because reaching “perfection” isn’t always possible. Shoot for your best instead, and you are likely to feel more satisfied and balanced in the end.

[ansh-sahni]

Who is Ansh Sahni? My Journey as a Digital marketer

In 2022. I completed my schooling with a sense pf accomplishment but also a cloud of confusion about my future. The pressure to choose a career path was huge, and the question, “Who is Ansh Sahni?” stay in my mind. I want to build a name for myself, so that when people asked. “Who is Ansh Sahni” the answer would be clear and impressive. The journey to set up my identity began with this major decision.

The Beginning Struggle

After school, I was at a corner, uncertain about which direction to take. The fear pf not making a serious effect and being unknown haunted me. I wanted to make sure that if anyone asked, “Who is Ansh Sahni?” they would recognize my name and my achievements. Months pf self-analysis and research followed. I explored various career options, consider their pros and cons, trying to find the one that sound with my interest and desire.

Discovering Digital Marketing

In my search for a fulfilling career, I discovered digital marketing. Its interest me with its active nature and huge future for growth. The idea of connecting with audience, driving online engagement, and using digital tools to create impactful campaigns was fascinating. I decided to pursue a one-year course in digital marketing while continuing my college studies. This dual approach allowed me to gain theoretical knowledge and practical skills at the same time.

The First Step

I completed my digital marketing course in 2023, equipped with knowledge and wishing to put it into practice. Intern on to gain real-world experience, I began applying for internship. The process was challenging, and I faced rejection several times. However, I remained fearless. The thought of making a name for myself and make sure people knew “Who is Ansh Sahni?” kept me motivated.

Finally, after multiple interviews, I secured an internship at a company located far from my home. The distance creates a serious challenge, but I was ready to make the sacrifice for the sake of my career. Unluckily, after two months, the daily commute became immense, and I made the difficult decision to quit. My resolve remained strong, and I began searching for opportunities closer to home.

A New Beginning

The search for a new job was difficult, but staying in power paid off. One day I received a call from a company interested in my profile. After a successful interview, I was offered a position, and I gladly accepted. However, my previous employer refused to provide an experience letter, a setback that I had to overcome. In my new role, I was intent on to prove my worth and build my skills further.

Building Skills and Gaining Experience

My new job provided a valuable environment for growth. I worked actively, learning new strategies and sharpen my digital marketing skills. The hands-on experience was invaluable, and I accept every opportunity to contribute to the company’s success with each campaign, I grew more confident in my abilities and more set on to make sure that people would recognize my name. I stuggle to make my marks so that when asked, “Who is Ansh Sahni?” the answer would be a proof to my hard work and dedication.

Progress into Self-Work

After a year of gaining experience and building a solid foundation, I dedicated to take a bold step and start my own digital marketing ventures. This decision was driven by my aspiration to create a clear identify and achieve my long-term goals. I wanted to showcase my skill and creativity, and the best way to do that was through self-begin projects.

Starting my own venture was challenging but rewarding. It allowed me to apply everything I had learned, experiment with new ideas, and shape out a niche for myself in the digital marketing world this venture brought me closer to my ultimate goal: to make sure that when people searched “Who is Ansh Sahni?” they would find a strong story of application, growth and success.

The Road Ahead

Now, as I continue on this journey, I feel that I am just a few steps away from achieving my goal. My name is slowly gaining recognition, and my efforts dare succeeded. The question “Who is Ansh Sahni?” is starting to obtain responses filled with regard and respect. I am dedicated to continuing my hard work, learning, and developing in this ever-changing field.

Connect with Ansh Sahni

To stay updated with my latest attempt and connect with me, follow my social media profiles:

LinkedIn

Twitter

Quora

Instagram

Medium

Feel free to reach out, connect, and collaborate. I am always open to new opportunities and challenges in the digital marketing field.

Conclusion

The journey to setting my identity and making a name for myself in digital marketing has been filled with challenges and success. From the beginning confusion after school to discovering my passion for digital marketing, and from securing internships to starting my own ventures, each step has been a proof to my determination and hard work. Today as I stand on the limits of achieving my goal, I am proud of how far I’ve come. I am Ansh Sahni, a digital marketer dedicated to excellence and creativity, and I look forward to the future with hope and excitement.

[iammiracl3]

Manifestation for Self-Love and Self-Confidence

It sounds cliche but the relationship we keep with ourselves is the foundation of everything in our lives. We do tremendous hardwork for our career, family, relationships and everything else in this world but we barely consider to take out time for ourselves. What defines our overall happiness? Have you ever thought about it? Seems you have not . It's nothing but the way you treat yourself,take care yourself,talk to yourself and feel about yourself . Isn't it simple? When you accept yourself truly and love the way you are you become your own best friend and you don't need anybody else's approval.Imagine yourself as a plant, when you water a plant ,take care of it , protect it then it blooms with colourful flowers. Same way when you keep a nurturing relationship with your own self,you become your best version. Although this is not a quick fix and it takes time but you can start building a relationship with yourself from now on.So what needs to be done? Simply start by making little changes in your daily life .

You can also follow things given below to get your best self.

-Speak politely with all. -Include self compassion. -Give priority to self care. -Setting a healthy boundary. -Stay grateful for everything. -Try to be patient and mindful.  -Appreciate your achievements. -Incorporate self reflection practice. -Never compare yourself with anyone. -Surround yourself with progressive people

Embracing self love through affirmations

When you embrace your true identity and love yourself you feel more confident, worthy and fulfilled. When you feel and visualize that you are worthy of everything good you start to absorb positive energy from your environment and this is the first step towards your self-love journey. Nobody in this world is perfect.Each and everything in this nature has something incomplete and that is the uniqueness and individuality of it. You need to embrace your flaws because each of us has something which we think is not up to our liking.So never feel small or bad because of little things,it's a part of everyone's life.You can nourish and cherish your soul so that it can make you strong.You can also practice self -love affirmations standing in front of a mirror looking into your eyes . We are giving some affirmations for your motivation, you can customize them accordingly:

“I feel gratitude for the abundance that I have in my current life and I am open to attract positivity in my life “

“I am extremely confident and ready for the challenges life will throw and I will take them as an opportunity to improve myself “

“I feel immense pleasure in each moment of my present life and I enjoy my life”

“I choose to create space for improvement and healing and I let go of all my worries”

From self doubt to self assurance

From where does this self-doubt comes? As a kid we never feel this emotion. Agree or not? Observe a child playing happily, eating something, Talking to someone or doing anything. Does the child have self- doubt? No! You know why?

Self- doubt arises from Fear. Fear of decision,fear of making long term choices or fear of choosing life's purpose or simply anything.We people drift from one thought to another without consciously thinking about what we want or where we are headed in our lives. This decisiveness occur because we don't get clear about our destination.So stop thinking that you are not capable or you are not good enough because it will only drag you in the darkness.Get up and make a routine for yourself.Make small goals and Once you achieve them write them in your journal.Write your good qualities and improve everyday because every single day of this life is as precious as you can think.

Using affirmation to boost self confidence 

Your mind is your remote control. Do you know that your mind has the capability to control anything that is happening inside your body. yes! you heard it right. Its all about how you perceive things so here are some affirmations which you can take as a motivation to boost your self confidence. Remember to practice them regularly and use the affirmations which are meaningful according to your life situation.

‘I truly believe that I have everything’

‘I believe that I am good enough to achieve success’

‘I choose to remain satisfied with my strengths and weaknesses’

‘I choose to accept whatever the universe gives me and I am worthy of it’

‘I feel contentment in my own company and I truly love myself’

‘I feel beautiful from inside out and I mean it’

‘I choose to attract abundance in each and every area of my life’

‘I am thankful to the universe for my present reality and I am working for my good’

Overcome self doubt with manifestation 

Overcoming your self doubt is a smooth process. You only need to follow some simple basic steps and will move towards your higher version. All you need to do is to practice self- compassion ; self-compassion is finding out your achievements and your good qualities, no matter if it is as small as your soft behaviour towards your friends and family. Find out your good things and the hard work that you do and this will help you to remove any negative thoughts that bothers you. Never compare yourself with others because you have your own unique values and you should cherish them. When any negative thought comes to your mind, first recognise that ,you can Also write that thought and you can analyse the source of that negativity .You can either remove that or make a distance with it.This way you can gradually make your self-doubts disappear.

Enhancing self love and confidence in daily life -

Instead of blaming your destiny or your past life you can take lessons from that and start a fresh new journey. To enhance self- love and confidence, You can engage yourself in the activities or hobbies that you like. You can appreciate your body image and accept yourself as you are .You can create a self- care regime by giving yourself a pamper session and going for a solo date with yourself. You can sit in nature spend time with your loved once and you can also listen to other people's talk because with that you can realise and feel that everyone has something going  in their life. In order to boost your self- confidence you can practice meditation, regular exercise and taking small challenges. Self love is not only about spending on expensive things but it is all about feeling satisfied with the smallest things of your life.

[tarinidh-blog]

Building Leaders: Best Practices in Leadership Development Programs in India

In today's dynamic and fast-paced business environment, the need for effective leaders has never been greater. To foster the next generation of corporate leaders, Indian companies are becoming aware of the importance of significant investments in leadership development programs. Organizations can ensure that their manager leadership development programs have a lasting impact by emphasizing cutting-edge tactics and industry best practices.

The Importance of Leadership Development Programs in India

Leadership development programs in India are developed to give managers the skills and knowledge required to effectively manage teams, make strategic choices, and drive their organizations forward. Fostering a culture of constant learning, adaptability, and resilience is the goal of these programs rather than just sharing theoretical knowledge.

Best Practices in Leadership Development Programs

1. Customized Learning Paths

Since every business is different, a one-size-fits-all approach to leadership development often proves fruitless. Leading Indian organizations have tailored their programs to cater to individual development needs in addition to particular company goals. They ensure the effectiveness and relevance of the leadership development program by carrying out comprehensive assessments and matching training goals with corporate plans.

2. Blended Learning Models

A method of blended learning has grown exponentially popular. It combines traditional classroom instruction with online resources. This approach provides flexibility, letting managers take their time learning and still gain from face-to-face, interactive sessions. Among the resources utilized to improve the learning process are virtual simulations, webinars, and online modules.

3. Experiential Learning

The basis for several effective leadership development programs in India is experiential learning. Through practical projects, real-world problem-solving, and role-playing activities, managers may hone their abilities in a secure setting. Learners can hone the critical thinking and decision-making skills necessary for effective leadership by simulating real-life scenarios.

4. Mentorship and Coaching

A successful leadership development program for managers requires both coaching and mentoring. Emerging leaders can receive essential coaching and support from experienced leaders in the company to help them navigate their career paths and overcome obstacles. To promote a culture of constant growth, regular coaching sessions, feedback loops, and development plans are essential parts of this approach.

5. Focus on Soft Skills

Soft skills like communication, emotional intelligence, and conflict resolution are just as vital for effective leadership as technical skills. These abilities are being highlighted more and more in leadership development programs in India, where they help managers build strong, cohesive teams and cultivate a pleasant workplace culture.

6. Measuring Impact

Measuring the effects of leadership training programs is essential for ensuring their success. Businesses use a range of metrics, such as company performance indicators, leadership effectiveness ratings, and staff engagement scores, to evaluate the success of their programs. Organizations can improve their programs and achieve better outcomes by using continuous feedback and evaluation processes.

In conclusion, training effective leaders requires a methodical and thorough approach to leadership training. Through the implementation of best practices including personalized learning pathways, blended learning models, experiential learning, mentorship, and a concentration on soft skills, Indian organizations can ensure the success of their leadership training programs for managers. These initiatives will be crucial in influencing organizational excellence and the direction of leadership in India as they develop further. 

[femmefatalevibe]

tips on how to change to a better person and be a new person both physically and mentally. i want to transform into a new person within a few months but don’t know how or where to start

Hi love! While everyone's lifestyles and goals are different, here are some general tips that can only make your quality of life better:

Eat A Predominately Whole Foods, Plant-Based Diet: Unprocessed non-animal foods like fruits and vegetables, whole grains, plant proteins (peas, beans, edamame, etc.), nuts and seeds, root vegetables, and healthy whole fats (like avocado) should make up around 80% of your diet. Stick to water, black coffee, and tea either plain or with lemon, too to avoid unnecessary sugars.

Get In Your Steps & Gentle Movement: Try to average around 7-10K steps a day to feel the benefits of walking. Incorporate a light strength training exercise (pilates, yoga, a YouTube body weight or free weight workout, etc.) into your routine 2-3 times a week for around 15 minutes each.

Read Daily: Commit to 10 pages of book reading and 30 minutes of article reading at different times of the day to learn, stay updated on the world and strengthen your cognitive function/ability to focus.

Take Time To Self-Reflect: Journal for at least 10 minutes a day. Either practice morning pages (free writing 3 pages in the morning) or choose a prompt or two from a therapist, shadow work journal, and a blog post. See my latest Femme Fatale journal prompts to reset for 2023 in this private membership post.

Carefully Curate Your Circle of Influence: Be mindful of who you spend time with, what topics you discuss, and what information you share with each of these members of your inner circle. You're always allowed to set boundaries around who you want to speak to outside of work (and children who are minors, of course, if you have them) and what information you want to disclose with them. Protect your peace at all costs.

Set Intentional Goals: Create well-defined goals with a clear action plan in the major areas of life (career, finances, health, relationships, personal development). Consistency, not intensity, is essential for goal achievement. So, make sure to do little tasks each day or week to ultimately achieve your desired results.

Keep Track of Your Tasks: Have a to-do list for professional tasks, items to buy for the house, errands to do, grocery lists, appointments to schedule, bill due dates, invoicing timelines, etc. Keep track of these items on your Notes App, Reminders, or within Google Calendar/Keep – depending on how time-sensitive a task might be.

Make Time For Self-Care: Block out an hour or so of your day to purely focus on yourself. This ritual can include your daily non-negotiables like a shower, skincare, reading, journaling, etc., and can include other indulgent activities like a face mask, exfoliating, doing your nails, watching your favorite TV show, etc. Prioritize yourself.

Create An "I Love" List: Stealing this tip from Jessica Garner (sex educator on TikTok) because I love it so much. Whenever you find an activity, meal, experience, song, item of clothing, etc, add it to your "I Love" list (on your notes app, etc.) to remind yourself of the things in life that bring you joy. This list can serve as a source of inspiration when you're feeling down and give you a built-in list of ideas to lift your spirits in some type of way on your more depressing or stressful days.

See the rest of my best habit ideas to implement for 2023 HERE.

Hope this helps xx