#being destructive for the sake of your own self sabotage...

[agoodpairofsocks]

you're hearing "You've got a nine-to-five so i'll take the night shift and i'll never see you again if I can help it" meanwhile I'm over here like "Am I a masochist resisting urges to punch you in the teeth call you a bitch and leave?"

we are not the same

[lavender-romancer]

Fools

Part Five

Tommy Shelby x male reader

CW: internalised homophobia, sexual themes

You always felt that you were hiding or running from deep inside of you, this feeling that you weren't like other men around you. When you met Tommy it made sense but how could you explore these feelings?

AN: Tommy is not married to Lizzie and Ruby does not exist

”*°•.˜”*°•. ˜”*°•. ˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜

previous part

It was raining again, the moon illuminating every droplet on the windows of Tommy's office. It cast a curious blue tinge to the room and only seemed to further represent his melancholic existence. Tommy lay on the floor of his office looking disheveled with huge bags underneath his eyes. He hadn't slept since being with you at that hotel because, it felt like as soon as he woke up he'd be a new person who would reject you and your love. It may have been irrational but it was also based so deeply in a never ending fear that he couldn't bear to face. Waking up and becoming a more heartless bastard than the day before sounded perfectly normal. But whenever he thought about your touch; the way your hair tapered around your ears or the fact that he was more and more convinced that he was in love with you, he couldn't fall asleep. It signified a severing of a cord, a destruction that he couldn't be party to even if it was the correct thing to do. The moment he fell asleep, he woke up a new man who could never allow himself to be in love with you.

When Tommy closed his eyes his mind was full of fantasies that could never be realised. Tommy had always been bold, he met you at a fucking fairie bar for god sake, but taking this any further felt wholly irresponsible. What could you do? Both get married to women and secretly fuck on the side? Was that a relationship? As he lay there in the dark on the cold hardwood floor with a bottle of whiskey next to him, Tommy had to consider what he was waiting for.

All this rage and sadness had been building up in him for a while and all he wanted was to fester in the rot it had created. Tommy wanted to fucking hate you, call you a 'bohemian' and move on with his life without you. But your light brought him out of the rot, it made him feel safe and loved and important beyond where he ever thought it could. As he considered all his options Tommy had to think of losing the strange fucked up connection you had. It made his body feel cold, as if he was on the slab and about to be cut into, what was the point of all of the life he had left to live if he was drowning? His own self doubt was pulling him deeper and deeper under the water, it would snake around his ankle to root him in place. So complacent in his own self sabotage that he allowed himself to think he could love you.

There was a sudden banging at the front door to the offices and Tommy sighed, at this point he would take an armed gunman over this fucking mess. Almost too nonchalantly he picked up his handgun and checked it was loaded before heading towards the door.

“Tommy! I need to talk to you. Your car's still here so I know you're in there!” You yelled as you rapped on the door. The unexpected downpour soaking you and your bag through as you shivered on the doorstep to his office. Silently you cursed yourself for forgetting a hat.

“Why are you here?” Tommy asked through the door and in an annoying sense you had to ask yourself the same question. But no, you needed to talk about this.

“I need to talk to you, I'm private. It's fucking pissing it down please let me in.” Your voice was regrettably pathetic but you did feel like a wet rat and had nowhere to stay.

As the door opened your throat grew dry even as the rain peppered your face with droplets, your hair soaked through and hanging over your forehead haphazardly. He looked beautiful as always but perhaps not at peace. There was a darkness to his eyes as he opened the door and then walked back into the building not seeming to spare you a look. You took a deep breath and pushed your hair back before following him inside.

The click of the lock seemed to bring Tommy out of whatever trance he was in, he turned around and ran a hand down his face before thrusting it into his pocket. The two of you looked at each other for a moment before you placed down your bag and shifted awkwardly between your shoes.

“Why did you come?” His voice was strained and it felt as if he might let out a sob at any moment.

“I was staying at a friend's.” Was all you said because your throat wouldn't let you get out any more words before you coughed.

“Fuck me, came back all this way with that groundbreaking news?” Tommy glanced at you with a sad smile.

“I know, Tommy.” It felt so simple in those three words, you still hadn't decided how you felt about it all but you needed to see that recognition in his eyes. But all he did was slowly walk into his office leaving the door ajar for you.

“What have you magically figured out then?” Tommy asked with his back to you, pouring two whiskey’s as you closed his office door behind you and leant against it.

“Do you know a woman named Mae Carlton?” You anxiously fiddled with your coat buttons.

“She trained my horse.” Tommy replied and you couldn't help but notice how he answered all too quickly as if he had been anticipating the question.

“And that's all, eh?” You picked up one of the whiskeys before sitting in one of the leather armchairs facing Tommy's desk.

“What were you expecting me to say?” He turned towards you but could only hold your gaze for so long before he too turned to sit in the armchair parallel to yours. Your heart sank and your eyes felt somewhat watery but at the very least you got an answer, even with it's vague nature it was easy enough to read Thomas when he wasn't trying to hide his emotions.

“You must have known that we knew one another.” Looking towards him he sighed.

“Not at the start, the way I met you was so uncalculated, same with Mae. But, in time I realised quite quickly.” There seemed to be a thread of shame that ran through Tommy's words as he admitted them.

“And you chose to continue fucking the two of us without any communication? If you realised quite quickly why in God's name didn't you stop?” Taking a long sip of your whiskey you craved the cold rain patterning your face with forgiving droplets. The constant tapping down the window felt like a metronome counting down the moments until this all ended. The silence truly was awful, there was a strange ringing sound in your ears as the silence stretched on and you refused to break it.

“I couldn't stop. Not if I wanted to stay sane anyways. If I stopped seeing you I would lose my mind in despair and, if I stopped seeing Mae I would lose any hope of feeling like a real man.” Tommy held the scotch glass on his leg and looked up at the ceiling again. Your chest ached with the heavy weight of shame placed upon it years ago by your own identity. It had never felt like it could or would ever go away

“Why don't you care?” You paused looking expectantly at Tommy even though you knew there was nothing he could say. “Why am I still here?”

“You know, in the back of my mind I've killed you. I've got to the point where this is all too much and I can't bring myself to look at you without feeling shame.” Tommy turned his head to face you as he gripped his whiskey glass much too tight and his eyes welled up.

“I might be your shame but I know that I'm also the only real joy you've felt. We all know, every man that lives our existence knows there's hardly any chances we get.” You pulled out your cigarette case and lit one before breathing out smoke in his direction.

“You want to talk about fucking joy? What about the neverending shame I feel when we're apart? How, I know we’re on borrowed time at best and that one of these days it's going to have to end? You have no right to bring up the struggle of men like us when we have no right to be this way!” Tommy exclaimed, standing up and walking to the window.

“You're so terrified of what you are that you'll push away any thought of happiness no matter how momentary! You seriously expect me to believe that your own self importance is what stands in the way of you accepting that someone cares for you? Truly cares for you on a level that no woman ever could.” You stayed sitting, concerned that approaching him would be akin to cornering a scared dog who would lash out.

“Self importance? Its self preservation! How am I a man if I'm more concerned with my own fucking feelings than what's right?” He turned around, finished his whisky and returned to the leather armchair to pour another.

“We're past what's right. Maybe I'm a fool for chasing someone, pretending that they love me because it's all that will keep me sane but I know it's not in my head. When you look in the mirror do you ever acknowledge what you are? That you love a man and you'll never love a woman no matter how hard you try, no matter how many you fuck.” Some of what you said felt marginally vindictive but you couldn't cope with the lies. He wanted to act as if nothing had happened, that you were business partners and nothing more. That he hadn't cried in your arms after such a vulnerable moment, that he hadn't bared his soul to you.

“You act like you know me inside and out, that through all this crazy shit we've got to know each other's history or anything of substance. But we've just been fucking, plain and simple.” His eyes were full of tears with none of them falling, he sniffed and lit up a cigarette. Leaving you sitting there with a sinking feeling, you knew he was lying that was obvious enough but did he really want to push you away so badly?

“I can't fix your hurt, I can't sort everything out but Jesus, I can't get you out of my mind. I tried, Tommy. I've been trying this whole time to understand why you push me away so viciously. But I don't understand the point? You fuck Mae to feel like a man, say that you'll go insane if you're not with me but call it all just a fuck? No matter how much you mince your words and try to hurt me I know it's all a facade. In reality you're a person who's terrified of being too much for me, or for any man.” You sat up on your chair, blowing smoke in his direction. Your eyes steeled in his direction as you prepared for the onslaught of insults.

“I beg you to tell me the fucking point. If I hate you, if I love you. It's all the same outcome because this can't go on forever. No matter how deluded you are, we cannot be with each other.” Tommy looked as if he would stare right into your soul and through you. You took a deep breath and braced yourself to leave

“I wish I could be yours but fuck, you're not even comfortable enough in yourself to accept that living a lie will make you happier than fucking a woman in a loveless marriage. Men like us are used to shame, our existence is shameful but I know you won't be able to leave it behind. Maybe it won't be me,” standing up you walked over to Tommy and took his jaw in your hand. “But I know that the rays of divinity you feel when another man holds your cock is too much to resist.” Dropping his jaw, you picked up your suitcase. Turning to walk out of that room and away from Tommy forever but, he caught your hand.

“Take it off,” he whispered as he started hurriedly pulling at your blazer. You looked at him for a second as he began undressing you, considering your options.

“What do you want, Tommy?” You took hold of his jaw again and slid your hand down to his neck before placing your suitcase down on the floor.

“You, please.” He closed his eyes and you let go of his neck as he sank to his knees.

Tommy scrabbled at your trousers buttons, suddenly clumsy and anxious with a level of submission you didn't expect. As he looked up at you, you were convinced you could die right there with this man below you. The pseudo control you had over this situation was tempting, Tommy stopped you from leaving, he initiated this interaction. But he let you believe you were in control, Thomas Shelby was many things but giving up control was not in his repertoire.

“You're so beautiful.” He whispered as he came up for air, panting slightly. But all you did was smirk before pushing him back onto you, holding his head there for a moment before letting go. The string of spit that started at his mouth and ended at your cock made the image all the more enticing.

It wasn't long before you came, Tommy swallowed and wiped his mouth much like you had not too long ago. The two of you stared at one another for a moment, hands slowly linking down at your sides as you considered leaving one another. It didn't feel possible in your mind, he was a fucking mess, you were a liability, but what was this if not love? The pain of considering leaving Tommy was enough to bring tears to your eyes, even after being so ridiculously vulnerable with one another.

“I can wait for you.” You said quietly as your foreheads pressed together.

“You shouldn't have too.” Tommy whispered as he gripped your hands tighter, his body beginning to shake.

“But I will. Thomas, I- there is no point in my life where I will not want you. You would haunt me, the love I could never have but I wanted with every fiber of my being. I can't say goodbye. I won't say goodbye I can't…” a stray tear blurred your vision and Tommy kissed your hand still clasped in his.

“I don't know what to do with any of this, with the shame or the worry or any of this shit.” His usual precise thought process wasn't reflected in the jumbled mess of that sentence but his stress certainly was. Could he love you as you love him?

“We can be with one another at this moment for a while. Just tell me you love me and that everything will be okay.” Your voice was so small you were scared he wouldn't hear the emotion in your voice. But Tommy lifted up your jaw so incredibly softly, staring at you with equally teary eyes.

“I love you.” He breathed and you pulled him so close and tight to you that you feared you might fuse together. Turn into one soul and never have to worry about being separated from one another again.

“I love you.” You whispered close to his ear before closing your eyes and praying for a better tommorow.

Peaky blinders taglist:

@queenofkings1212 @severewobblerlightdragon @fairypitou @stressedandbandobessed7771 @shadow-of-wonder @hipsternoionlylikeunicorns @curled-hair-red-lips @lucystivinsky1315

Series taglist:

@denzellovehazelnuts @edgyboi10000 @strnqer @flynnr2d2 @zablife

[queer-starwars-bracket]

Queer Star Wars Characters: FINAL

Juhani | Identity: lesbian | Media: Knights of the Old Republic

Juhani from 2003’s Knights of the Old Republic was the first ever queer character in Star Wars. The Mandalorian Wars rendered Juhani’s family refugees on Taris after the destruction of their homeplanet of Cathar. Juhani was enslaved due to her mother’s debts, but was liberated by the Revanchists when they freed Taris from Mandalorian rule. This inspired her to travel to Dantooine to train as a Jedi, where she fell in love with her fellow padawan Belaya. For her final trial, she was tricked into believing she killed her master when consumed by the Dark Side. She fled into the wilds of Dantooine, her turmoil agitating the wildlife. Dealing with Juhani is the player’s final trial as a Jedi, and they can either kill Juhani or handle the situation diplomatically and return her to the light. She then joins the player as a companion.

Traveling together, Juhani grows close to Revan and can be romanced by female Revans (the game shipped with the gender flag for romance bugged, but she is intended to be a lesbian). She takes the player turning out to be Revan very well, as she never truly accepted that Revan turned to the Dark Side due to how the Revanchists saved her. If the Dark Side ending is chosen, the player must kill Juhani.

Juhani strives to be a good Jedi, strongly believing in their principles. However, she struggles with the in-born aggression and heightened anger of her species, which with her perfectionism creates a vicious cycle that drives her towards the Dark Side. Other than Revan, she kept herself separate from the rest of the crew of the Ebon Hawk, especially Canderous Ordo due to the Mandalorian’s genocide of her people. She was also full of bitterness regarding the racism she faced on Taris, and struggled not to lash out against all humans because of it. 

Chelli Lona Aphra | Identity: lesbian | Media: Star Wars Comics

Oh Aphra, where to begin. Honestly the best way I can describe her is that she’s Star Wars’ Vriska. She’s a “rogue archeologist” and in marketing material sometimes compared to Indiana Jones, but the only similarity is that she can feature in the same wacky stories about retrieving artifacts except with none of the mismatch between modern ideas about archeology and repatriation and Indy being the hero, because she specifically isn’t. She was originally created for the 2015 Darth Vader comic series, recruited to help Vader raise a force that would let him coup the Emperor. She was so popular she then got her own comic series, making her the breakout star of the Disney/Marvel Star Wars comics. The Fandom Menace can’t touch her.

Her comics have been a series of frankly strange adventures involving Force artifacts, Vader either working with her or wanting her dead, and double crosses that leave your head spinning. She has Thrawn level tactical abilities, but only for schemes. She is haunted by how her trauma born behaviors make it hard for her to maintain relationships and be a good person. She has so many exes it's an entire section of this tournament. Her most significant relationships have been with Sana Starros and Magna Tolvan. As of the end of the Spark Eternal arc, the comic seems to be leaning towards a poly ending with the three of them, but first Aphra needs to stop self sabotaging.

One of Aphra’s greatest achievements was at the end of her 2016 comic run, where she trapped Vader in a PTSD flashback Force artifact on Tython and hacked his suit to allow her to erase Hoth from the Empire’s records. She did this for the sake of her loved ones who had joined the Alliance. Doing this gave Echo Base enough time to build up before they were found again that they were able to evacuate much more efficiently. That’s right, disaster lesbian love saved the Rebellion.

[enden-agolor]

I remember you saying something about lukas saving jesse from his own self destruction and ngl I really want to know more abt how lukas does that but it's a triggering topic sooo

(If you don't want to get into that then that's ok)

Oh dude.

It comes down to a multitude of things.

Firstly, Jesse's overworking. Being mayor of the now world renowned BeaconTown, he's got a LOT of things to handle. He has an entire town to run and defend when trouble makes itself known. He's absolutely overworked, and with it becoming a daily pattern, I can see how he'd end up just waking up, going to work, and coming home. Repeat. To the point where he has little to no time to do anything for himself and ends up sabotaging his life outside of work. It gets to the point where work is all he knows? But the thing is, it goes hand in hand with how much he truly loves BeaconTown. He fought for his life to get his town back, so I can see him feeling entitled to overworking, just for the sake of feeling reassured that his home is well maintained and protected. Though this can be a very self destructive habit that can ruin relationships and your own way of life, and I can absolutely see him doing that without realizing.

Second would be his title as hero. Feeling as though he's destined to always be at the head of battle because that was essentially what he was signed up to do from the very beginning. I think it would be very hard for him to leave the hero mindset behind and realize that he doesn't truly have to fight like he used to anymore. He doesn't have to put himself in constant danger. There's others that are willing to help him, and he's already been through sooo much, he absolutely deserves a break, but I don't think he will realize these things without someone telling him, since it's been all he's known for so long.

Third would be his physical appearance. Knowing he looks different from others and hating himself for it, and wishing he could once again feel what it's like to fit in with the people around him, but knowing it will forever be impossible so long as he carries all the scars of the past on his body. I think he's incredibly self conscious about these things, and hides them from others out of fear as to how he may be perceived. Feeling like he's ugly, and constantly comparing himself to others. Makes it hard to look in the mirror. Makes it especially hard to feel like he'll ever be loved, to the point where he dismisses those ideas entirely, pushing the idea of love and relationships into the back of his mind because he genuinely cannot see how anyone would love him for who he actually is and not for being just the big ol hero.

I covered all of these topics in one of my fics, and I'll basically give a quick run down as to how I think Lukas would help Jesse achieve a better lifestyle and get him out of these destructive tendencies.

My Recovery fic is basically about Jesse being forced out of commission because he's been horrifically injured, and having to adjust to not only being out of work, but being away from town. In the fic, he spends his time with Lukas at his home on the outskirts of BeaconTown while he recovers. He's forced to face the facts of his overworking, and the dangerous outlook he has on the Deep Dark (where he got attacked by the Warden) and basically wanting to go back down there because he fears that thing will somehow show up in town. Lukas is EXTREMELY against the idea, basically begging Jesse not to go back and listing all the reasons why he shouldn't, but Jesse being in the hero headspace, refuses to listen to him and sticks to the idea of going back and killing it, even though the Warden was this 🤏 close to killing him. But once again, he's putting his town before his own safety, and this is something that as the story progresses, Jesse eventually realizes is a horrible idea and starts to feel nervous about his decision.

Spending time with Lukas, and being away from work begins to make Jesse realize there is indeed more to life than just that. He begins to fear the idea of dying more and more as his relationship with Lukas closes in and he inevitably realizes he has romantic interest in him. This makes Jesse less willing to wanting to go back to the Deep Dark.

Because of his self destructive ways of thinking, Jesse was willing to die if it meant his town were at least safe. But Lukas absolutely changes his mind on that, and he realizes how badly he wants to live, AND to start making time for Lukas too. So after he recovers, and he and Lukas have gotten together, Jesse does begin to take days off for the sake of spending time with his boyfriend.

Lukas also uhh. Helps Jesse realize he's not ugly or disgusting and that his scars are in fact beautiful and that each one holds a story, but I'm not going to go into that here. 💀

There's a lot more to it but uhh giggle I haven't written those chapters yet so

[ketavinsky]

I like the house analogy a lot. I’ve never had any long term friendships, I tend to drift in and out of people’s lives. I don’t seem to make meaningful connections or leave an impact on anyone the way they do for me. It definitely makes me feel like wandering. If I had it my way I’d live nomadically, packing up and leaving anytime I got too familiar with a location. Maybe it’s a bit of a self-sabotage but I never learned how to be okay with being known. I think I regret deleting the pictures but not for me. I have trouble with memories so I regret losing the parts of my friends but I have no regrets about my own image. I’ve never had a strong sense of self; I can’t recognize myself in pictures or mirrors. I hate looking at pictures of me because it feels wrong in the back of my mind, like something is off or missing. Being trans only made that more pressing for old pictures. I’m trying to learn to take more pictures now for memory sake, mostly of places I go or people I meet rather than myself though. Have you found people you fit with yet or are you still wandering too? I suppose if I’m gonna keep bothering you I could maybe sign off? -N

hullo N! youre not bothering me but i apologise for the long response times. i have a weird thing about only responding to messages when i feel like... i would be able to give an appropriate dedicated/interested answer..... like. i dunno i kind of see online shit as the last frontier of non performative interaction so i try not to be disingenuous in ways that make sense to me as often as i can. esp on this site. the viscera site. anyways. that aside. i get what you mean when you say like... you dont feel like you have an impact on anything. obviously i cant comment on anything goin in your life but i do... i do understand the sentiment. i got a friend who's a big wanderer, real nomadic, just wants to travel and travel and circle back every so often like hes some kind of planet goin round on this massive orbit but.... im not sure about you but the concept intimidates me. not the wandering i suppose but the lack of security like- what do i do if something goes wrong? what do i do if i need somebody? what do i do if its still and silent and i cant bear it and ive been swept away to some place and past all the dancing and the gorgeous ephemerality and the wraithlike presence what do i do if i need somebody? you know? would appreciate your thoughts.

i get what you mean with the photos. i also deleted a lot of my photos. even when i was a kid like real little i felt a deep sense of nauseous disgust almost when i looked at photos of myself i always felt like even in pictures where we were all like 8 9 10 years old and playing in the grass that it was immediately noticeable that i was different in some irreconcilable way and i couldnt stand the idea of anyone else noticing it. i dont. i dont know why. i can kind of circle around what i think is why (?? does that make sense) but i still dont know where the feeling comes from. do you? i feel like all the pictures i see of myself are different actors and i think thats because at any given moment im always really just staring at myself from some outside voyeur pov. it's a little more manageable now but when i turned 23 i began to realise how... well. virulent? harmful? destructive? it was to my sense of... self. i dont know. what's it like fr you?

now i wish i could say that id found my people and after so long of feelin so lonely everythings okay now but this year has been tough and its only just started. do you ever miss times in your life that were really horrible wherein you were incessantly miserable, for the ability to feel? that's how it is. i oft find myself revisiting memories with people who were objectively not good for me and my love for them was in a way destroying me and every single day was some fucking trial but i miss the certainty of... knowing who i was in those times. what i was. ive been writing about that a lot. i have a paragraph somewhere here that vaguely mentions it but i have to immerse myself in the feeling to write my book shit so i just think about it all the time, really, all the time without end. fair warning there for lots of weepy waxing on and on over Just Stuff That Happened. i think now i have people that are good to be around and i love them deeply and i think i can trust that they love me but each day it feels like the chasm between me n them widens you know? and you ever feel like sometimes people dont really know the things that you know? at least not in a way that matters?

[selphplusplus]

When you have to stay quiet. Zero dark, 30.

Ok but how you gonna say anything? Lmao.

Without admitting to being a damn spying motherfucker?

lol Leviticus

Shotguns and the indigenous Greenery

Now we get biblical.

Not in the Jesus kind of way

But in the old testament to Ash, leave them where they lay

Sodom and Gomorrah siren song

Where a lot looked back and saw the salt

His wife fall as the tears from his face. The salt was the same.

We’re talking 10 Commandments

Or 10 Command lines.

Airgas, in a flood, a torrent

A dark, dark, dark dark net torrent

Of information, flooding a particular access point

Filling the entire spectrum

With the seven seals

The seven trumpets

And the four horsemen

All set up

Bitch you know what I’m talking about

Stomp those feet baby stomp.

I can hear it from here

It’s funny that way

It’s very funny that way, because I understand what stemming is, as I am the same in that regard the differences

Let me channel a little Eminem

We can start with the Penis (mine is bigger by exponential amounts)

Then we can scream I don’t give a fuck and see, who really means it

When my balls hit the floor concrete cracks

When your balls come out, everybody laughs.

“See what he’s writing. “

🤏🏻👆🏻

Echoes of your own paranoia

Because you’re watching in real time.

Let’s let the rest of the world in on the Truman show huh?

You too loud.

Damn. Passive aggressive bullshit really.

Underground like a land mind.

Boom 💥

And you thought it was cool to ruin a friendship over all this. Without coming to me first. Just took actions into your own hands. Shit. Acting a lot like that person you in therapy over.

Oh. Oh? I don’t play fair.

You wanna pass judgment what you’re doing is infinitely morally worse than an addiction. You are driven by pure ego. Control freak behavior. Familiar. Hmm.

We can both break if we gonna walk down this bridge. Mutually assured destruction.

You don’t ever even see me. Ffs

And you know only the shit you’ve been spying on. Scum. Disgusting. All talk like you what to have a discussion but instead not a word. Just sideways roundabout shit. Judgmental glances. Never a “are you okay”.

So how you justify this? Peering into someone’s deepest and most intimate thoughts without their consent. No better than a rapist. The invasion is the same. And we both know mental wounds are much harder to heal.

Trust huh? Never had it with you it seems.

火にいきるのが死ねよ

That also explains the nonchalant attitude of my brother. Shit gets clearer and clearer. Say what you gotta say.

Ruin. Chaos for chaos sake. Bored and unfulfilled. So let’s start drama huh? Adopt 1000 mental disorders. Find a new identity. Make the ones around you enemies. When they care about you.

A master in self sabotage can easily recognize another. Queue up the blue October lyrics. Suicidal hate. Retarded disfigured clown, too much make up, it’s a lie how you act. But always always on stage. Histrionic. Borderline. Narcissist. Pick your flavor of the week.

Add in a little gasoline the self destructive kind, it’s become a part of your personality, only unlike Plath who phoenix flame rose to devour the ones around without recourse, indiscriminately burning

The world to a wasteland.

You are the self-immolating monk selling snake oil. You crave the camera but can’t light the match. Crave the attention but shy away from the flash. Talking a lot about smoke, but ecig when it counts.

PS,

How you like hearing your moms cheeks get clapped? Do I need to drop the pictures too. I think it’s easier to tell the truth.

Foiling your Deux

Fall out Boy Edition

Love from the other side, fuck it why not

Let’s go there, more like love from the afterlife

Apocalypse got the better of the whole damn nuclear family.

But the atom hurts the worst when the fission breaks away the til heat death do these bonds we break.

Bloodsport what too light a phrase

The hysteric craze

The blame laid

On a mantle too small and cluttered to hold another candle.

But you expect it to handle your wild fires , just as unpredictable,

I apologize in advance for the collateral damaged goods.

Baggage claim

This is the captain from the Malaysian plane.

And sugar it’s going down.

Loaded pistol grip pump when I cock my pen and pull it.

Not leaving this bed, hospice said

Sick in the head, in other words

I’m as ill as it gets.

Dance dance to the sound of beat down

Bitch this that friction in my genes that the original was talking about.

Only there’s no wish to be it.

Infact I prefer to just cackle and laugh

As the plane crash smashed what’s still intact of your sanity.

More vanity today.

Looking in mirrors and hate what you see

The bitch in reflections,

Welcome to the symphony

You called to strike up the band

But when the bass dropped and you had to with your thoughts

The thot in the mirror even saw what a raw deal they got.

So now you’re invisible, she ran away

At the thought of being you one more day.

Sorry prematurely I gotta cut it short and have to end it.

I mentioned earlier, there’s something else that needs writ and imma pin it.

They say the tribulation begins with a wailing and a gnashing of teeth. Bruxism keeps pace, there will be no teeth to gnash. Just dust and gums.

I will show you something different than your shadow at dawn weighing heavy behind you. Or your twilight wick at wax’s end. I will show you your traditions are naught but fear in a handful of dust.

The vessel, no the chalice bears no water.

Still we’ve yet passed the Thames

Or Styx or Lethe.

Yet all the same

April still to come, remains the cruelest month. So rudely forced.

“But what will people say?”

Zeus to Persephone.

So rudely forced.

The stork brings only deserts.

The San Pedro songs in fever dreams

We’re just so. Dreams.

Shattered like the mirror, like you. Like me.

I think it’s the similarities you resent.

Surrogate for the self.

Sterilize.

Better than euthanize.

Better than non-alive.

Because when you live the suffering is extended.

Saint de Sade. Patron Saint of Masochists and self flagellation.

Leviticus

Shotguns and the indigenous Greenery

Now we get biblical.

Not in the Jesus kind of way

But in the old testament to Ash, leave them where they lay

Sodom and Gomorrah siren song

Where a lot looked back and saw the salt

His wife fall as the tears from his face. The salt was the same.

We’re talking 10 Commandments

Or 10 Command lines.

Airgas, in a flood, a torrent

A dark, dark, dark dark net torrent

Of information, flooding a particular access point

Filling the entire spectrum

With the seven seals

The seven trumpets

And the four horsemen

All set up

Bitch you know what I’m talking about

Stomp those feet baby stomp.

I can hear it from here

It’s funny that way

It’s very funny that way, because I understand what stemming is, as I am the same in that regard the differences

Let me channel a little Eminem

We can start with the Penis (mine is bigger by exponential amounts)

Then we can scream I don’t give a fuck and see, who really means it

When my balls hit the floor concrete cracks

When your balls come out, everybody laughs.

[punkpandapatrixk]

Romance, self-development, spiritual awakening; what have you—your Higher Self is here to reorient your compass~🧭This PAC is relaying a sense of Love towards yourself (first and foremost), which subsequently assists you to become a vibrational match to the person destined to share a harmonious, soulmate type romantic connection with you~💖

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

Pile 1 - Get Ready to Get Busy, and Happy~!

10 of Cups, 4 of Wands, 7 of Wands & Priestess of Shine

Don't they say we must be patient as everything works out in Divine Timing? This is it! The time for you to Shine has come. You now have all the necessary skills to impress and make your breakthrough🤩Had this chance come about earlier, you wouldn't have done as wonderfully—trust that! For such a long time now, you've been so emotionally unfulfilled. Seems like you've been struggling and working and improving yourself—including going through shadow work and healing yourself spiritually—but true emotional satisfaction was still nowhere to be felt. You've wondered if there would ever be an end to this desolate feeling.

Here it is. The Gate of Happiness is opening up! All you've worked for ain't for naught. FYI, sometimes people become a coward before the gate towards happiness; maybe because they've been let down so many times throughout their period of struggles. Can't blame that, right? It's not your fault that you're scared. But here's a message from your HS to remind you to not cower when the chance arises. Haven't you been wanting this for a long time? For the sake of your own happiness, don't sabotage this chance!

Down this road, you're gonna get so busy with new preoccupations and some things may be a little troublesome. But it's worth all of the troubles because this endeavour: 1. is in alignment with your Soul's Purpose, or 2. is something temporary that gets you closer to your Destined Life Path anyway. At any rate, you're gonna get so busy, but also happy! This is the kind of busyness that's worth your Life Force~🫀Oh, and... if you're not there yet, this is the road that's gonna lead towards meeting your Destined Person. So~don't cower before the Gate of Happiness💖Kick that fucking door open if you must!

Little sparkles of Shine~🔻🧡

If, and if, you find yourself scared of even trying your luck in whatever endeavour is on your mind, think it this way:

Whatever the result may be, at least you took action, and that's proof enough of your not betraying your Soul's desires.

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 2 - Transform; Don't Look Back Anymore!

6 of Cups, XVI The Tower, 2 of Pentacles Rx & Priestess of Inspiration

As I was turning the cards and finishing taking their pic, the song Ready For Your Love by Gorgon City came up on my shuffled playlist. There's this part of the lyrics that resonated like a bomb even before I began channeling:

I'm ready for the start of something new/I'm ready to depart from what make me blue/I'm ready for my heart to let you through/But most of all, most of all/I'm ready for your Love~ do woop do woop

The lyrics in bold, my friend, is the reason The Tower card sits in the middle of your pile. Since you're ready anyway (you've been ready for a while now) this is more of a message of encouragement from your HS. That lil boost of confidence by acknowledging you're down the right path. You're gonna change your Life, right? Don't let reminiscence of the past hinder your progress. Plus, this PAC being the last part of this whole... Destined Person series(?) wants to let you know that you're only getting closer to them the further you go down this path🎉

The Tower card traditionally brings a sense of hopelessness for its message of destruction, but in your case, you can literally use the power of lightning to your advantage. Be that magician and power up your engine with the force of nature!⚡️Basically, this means you can work harmoniously with the benevolent will of the Cosmos, made clear through your connection with your HS🌞So long as you don't resist, your process should be easy...er.

It's only natural that you lose some people during the process of transformation, but who's to say you're gonna end up alone? In fact, you're making space for your Soul Fam members to come into your Life. I see a lot of cheer ahead of you! I think there's a quote that says something like, butterflies don't chill with caterpillars anymore. It's okay, you're turning into a butterfly, let the caterpillars blossom at their own pace, too. This pile's message is quite short, but an additional message can certainly be found in this PAC: ♥︎How You’ll Recognise Your Soul Fam

Little sparkles of Inspiration🔻💜

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Pile 3 - Keep to Yourself and Build Your Kingdom!

5 of Pentacles Rx, Ace of Pentacles Rx, Knight of Pentacles & Priestess of Energy

-To think you've got all Pentacles (earth energy) and here's a hardworking Capricorn girl, Winter, in the picture🤯-

Whatever your dominant sign may be, I think this pile attracts people with strong Water placements. Maybe something like a lot of (or a few but important) planets in the 12th House, and the like. Basically, you have so much spiritual energy which you're still learning to manage. If you identify with being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), even an empath, even more a Starseed, you may have this natural attractiveness to terrifyingly parasitic human beings. Something about your Watery energy is needed by those zombies who can't do anything to help themselves. And being so kind, you give and give of yourself until you run dry.

Your HS wants you to start taking responsibility of your own Life Force and keep to yourself! As you learn to take responsibility for your own capabilities and limitations, so will you learn that other people are JUST equally responsible for their own life choices. You can't save anybody, each one of us saves ourselves by the choices we make. Other people, at best, can only inspire us to take action! Remember that well. It's necessary to start implementing this mindset now because your HS is urging you to manifest your highest possible Destiny.

Destiny may sound like a destination, but contrary to popular understanding, your Destiny is not a place you arrive to after a great struggle. Destiny is essentially constantly created and recreated, reorientated, recalibrated as you make daily choices. Of course, if you somewhat stray or decelerate, your HS and team of Spirit Guides are gonna help you return to balance, so you can manifest the highest possible good in your Reality. If you continue to entertain other people's demands and expectations and sacrifice your own authenticity, that affects your manifestation. But the problem here is that you're always manifesting (you're simply too powerful not to manifest instantly), so in effect, other people's low-quality emanation of energy helps you manifest low-quality everyday reality.

Right now, your HS wants you to really think about this!🍱

Little sparkles of Conviction!🔻❤️

Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸

☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.

Feel free to support me on Patreon if you love this kind of content🍑I create stories and tarot readings that calm the mind & heal from within🍒

[Back to Masterlist] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, ENTP here. I fear I'm in a Fe loop and maybe a Si grip. I entered college and made friends with an ISFP and an INFJ. We're getting pretty close and we share a lot of ideas, but I can't trust them with myself. I'm afraid that once I show any sign of disagreeing with them, they will turn their back on me.

I know I'm being influenced by past experiences. I had friends that didn't respect my boundaries and expected me to be there for them all the time. For example, I'm not a touchy person, I dislike touching a lot. Those friends knew that because I explicitly stated that I hate being touched, yet at any given moment they would. I also couldn't talk about my problems or anything related to myself, they would interrupt me and talk only about themselves. I don't want to play victim here, they had their own issues, I don't blame them and I understand now that true friendship is different from whatever that was. I'm telling you this because it's important to know where this fear comes from.

Anyway, the things is that I don't know how I'm supposed to act around my new friends. I'm walking a line between trying to soften me up for the sake of their feelings and speaking about what I think, with the risk of hurting them. But I'm doing it all wrong. I'm starting to mirror their behavior and suppressing my opinions for their approval. Yet, I can't come up with a new strategy and can't help but being tied up to the past. I don't want to screw this up, they're different people and they don't deserve whatever was left of me. I fear I will become needy and repeat the same mistakes, ending up in self isolation. I'm not living up my full potential and I know it. How can I overcome this?

-------------------

Yes, you've got some Fe and Si problems. In a nutshell, you're behaving like a cheap imitation ISFJ. Trying to be something you're not is the road to self-destruction. Your past experience makes you believe that you have to twist yourself into some unrecognizable form in order to keep your friends. But when you take these kinds of shortcuts, you just end up sabotaging your intended goal. How can a friendship be healthy when people never get to see and know the real you? How can you be healthy when you constantly neglect your own needs and desires? How can you be open, trusting, and giving when you are always in fear of what might happen?

Why take a shortcut that does so much harm and actually leads you away from your intended goal? Because you lack the SKILLS to do otherwise, and this is related to poor Ti development. Ti development means building a proper understanding of how things work, as well as learning the skills that are necessary to navigate systems competently (in this case, how socializing works and how to socialize successfully). Immature Ti is very limited in its knowledge because it is far too small in its scope, basically only capable of seeing cause and effects at the most superficial of levels. For instance: "If I keep my mouth shut, I won't say the wrong thing and get rejected by my friends". This superficiality leads to adopting ineffective strategies.

It's good to be open and honest about your needs and desires. It's good to be respectful and considerate with other people's needs and desires. So, how do these two things meet up in a relationship? Is there really nothing at all in between the extremes of aggressively imposing your needs on others versus passively sitting in neglect of your own needs? The middle ground is found in assertiveness. In ENTPs, this involves exercising Ne adaptability and Ti strategic planning based on the facts.

Being assertive means taking the initiative to put yourself out there AND being responsive to what happens after you do. It's true that maybe not everyone can handle what you put out, but it's better to know than to wonder forever, isn't it? Wondering forever leads to you staying in relationships that aren't healthy for you. Once you know the facts, you can make a well-informed decision about what your next steps should be. Not every relationship will work out as you hope, and that should be okay, because there will always be more opportunities to come. This is what healthy Ne should tell you.

Socializing is an art, not a science, which implies that you have to be nimble and make sure that your expectations are realistic. There is no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. However, there is a way to speak your mind responsibly, and there is a way to be flexible and adjust your approach as necessary to mitigate negative reactions. To accomplish this, you need to do some skill building (for the sake of Ne+Ti development). The relationship related skills that you lack include:

optimism: seeing positive possibilities (not just negative ones) and believing that there will always be another opportunity (in the event that this particular one doesn't pan out)

presence: approaching new situations without past baggage

trust: giving people the benefit of the doubt

courage: the willingness to face up to truthful feedback

confidence: believing that you can handle whatever comes because you are committed to learning from your mistakes

assertiveness: being open and honest about yourself

communication: using respectful language to express opinions

conflict resolution: de-escalating tense situations

emotional intelligence: understanding how to navigate feelings and emotions that result from social interaction

impartial critical judgment: knowing when to persist (because there is potential for a better relationship) versus when to cut your losses (because the relationship is a lost cause)

Some of these topics have come up before, do a search. Also check out the book recs on the resources page. Yes, there is some pain in learning difficult skills, making mistakes, and changing the way you do things. But confronting your deficiencies is the road to realizing your potential. In the bigger picture, the pain of growth is less painful than living with loneliness or living in constant fear of abandonment.

[sk-lumen]

Self love and selfcare is as vital as breathing. When you understand the depth of that truth, you will never again betray yourself. It is as vital as breathing because it means you honor your heart, your body, your spirit. 

The alternative is sabotaging yourself again and again through little habits and reactions and patterns that ultimately cause you more heartache. Such as pushing people away when all you want is their support; abandoning your partner because you’re terrified they will do it first; lashing out at closest friends because they’re the only ones you can share your grief with (but you’re expressing it in a destructive, instead of productive/healthy way), etc.

The alternative is breaking your own heart and then offering it freely to others for further breaking. Our hearts should never be given away; they should be shared like a treasure, with utmost exclusivity and care.

The alternative is putting yourself through horrible suffering again and again and again, because you refuse to learn from lessons and avoid making the same mistakes.

The alternative is saying yes when you mean to say no.

The alternative is going along with someone else’s plans or decision, instead of making your own.

The alternative is wasting your precious time and energy over giving chances to things you’re not actually interested in, all for the sake of appeasing others; instead of mindfully investing your time into things which bring you joy and fulfillment, and ultimately resonate with your values, goals, etc.

The alternative is feeling like you need permission and validation in order to make any decision in your life, and having the constant fear of what if, of what will they say, of what if you mess up or get reprimanded. When you put in the work of self-awareness and prioritizing your wellbeing, you realize that it’s just toxic social conditioning to make you fall into line and not ask any questions.

The alternative is letting people back into your life, who only make you feel unseen, angry, unapreciated, undervalued. People who are in other words toxic for your wellbeing, but loneliness, fear and sadness get the best of you, and so you choose the more comfortable path, for quicker relief, instead of chosing the uncomfortable path that is slower but will lead to better overall health and wellbeing (ie. cutting them off and being selective with your circle, even if it means being lonely).

The alternative is unknowingly making way for emotional trauma simply because you lack clear boundaries, or understanding of how vital they are, or even how to enforce them in an environment that has little respect for it.

The alternative is waging a war against yourself where you’re the enemy - a pointless, destructive battle that is lost before it even begins. You should have the best ally on your side: yourself.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Fruits Basket; Writing Criticism

Thanks for the ask, @a-ymoon​ .

Critiquing writing is important because in order to write a good critique you need to critically read: that is, you need to closely read and understand whatever it is you are critiquing, you need to apply appropriate criteria in order evaluate it, you need to summarize it, and to ultimately make some sort of point about the text you are critiquing. (Source)

Before i start, i need to say that criticism is necessary for readers and even for writers cause it lead us to think what we actually read, it help us to think critically and it can improves us. Every story has its own flaws and now, lets look at problems with the Fruits Basket’s writing under the cut.

1- Selflessness or Self Sabotage?

I think this is one of the biggest problem in this story. It shows with a story that called Foolish Traveler. Its about a boy who lets people to take advantage of him, to the point he will let them hurt himself, he will sacrifice himslf for the sake of others. Momiji says he doesnt rthnik he is fool, he views him as admirable person. This same trait is shown especially with Tohru and Kureno. Kureno who neglects his own desires, freedom for the sake of crying girl and Tohru who neglects her own needs to help others.

Now lets continue why this framing is bad.

Its because there is a difference between being selfless and being self destructive.

Most of the time, helping should be a win-win endeavor—you should feel good about working to give someone else a leg up. If your helping efforts are more draining than inspiring, see if you can find another helping situation that adds to your life satisfaction.

And as psychologist Susan Newman points out, you shouldn't feel bad saying “no” to someone's request if helping will cause undue strain—mental, financial, or otherwise. While leading a selfless life is one of the greatest gifts you can give others and yourself, you need to foster your own well-being at the same time. (source)

We saw that Tohru helping people during the series but you can also eaiesly see that she lets other people to treat her as she is less, with the name of kindness. Like, how she keeps apologising for the things she had no fault or how she cant even say no.

What starts as a genuine desire to make a difference in others' lives can sometimes morph into pathological giving, leaving us feeling wrung-out or resentful—or even hurting or offending intended recipients. (source)

Especially this part really explains Kureno’s sitution. How his desire to help someone evenually turned into something toxic and unhealthy. Its because he neglected his own needs and end up enabling Akito’s self destructive behavours and made condition worse.

Tohru doesnt go far as Kureno, there are times she stand out for herself and others too but you can see that when they act like this, they are not being kind or selfless, they are being self neglectfull. And this part of them is shown as good thing by story. 

Not just those two, you can see this with other ‘good’ characters. For example;

When we heard Hatori’s story, Momiji specifically talk about the part how Hatori didnt blame Akito for it  and its the part that Tohru felt sorry for him the most because he takes care of everyone but he neglects his own needs.

Then we hear Akito and Kureno’s story. Even though, traumatized kid in story is Akito but story empathize with Kureno the most because he sacrifice himself for other people, again this is the part Tohru felt sorry for him the most.

Or with Yuki who choose to not blaming anyone or Rin who try to make Haru free, instead of herself etc etc. Every time, a character neglects their own needs for the sake of others, story tells you that this character is really doing their best or they are very kind people.

Yes, story also says that ‘sometimes its okay to think about yourself’ or ‘its okay if you dont force yourself this much’, basically it says that its okay you dont neglect your own needs but this is literally condracts with what story shows.

I will give a simple example to explain this;

For example. You really wanna be good person, like really wanna do your best, helping people, being extremely kind person is your desire. Then, you start neglecting your own needs and you are suffering in deep. Then, your mother realizes this and say ‘its okay, you dont have to do this, you can be very kind person while still taking care of yourself’. Then you learn self worth and you dont ever neglect your own needs but your sibling is doing the things you used to do. Your sibling is neglecting his own needs for the sake of helping others and people around you praise him for it. They says ‘your sibling is doing his best’ but you did your best too. Didnt they say ‘its okay to care about yourself?’ Didnt they say ‘you can still be equally kind’ but then, why they praise your sibling for his self neglect and treat him like he is somehow more hardworking than you.

Just like this story, characters says its okay to think about yourself but then treats people who self destructs as the kindest people ever exist.

When you say ‘oh they do their best, she really does her best, she even self destructs, she thinks about others too much, what a kind person’, When you praise someone for their self destruction or self neglect, at the same time you are literally saying ‘thinking about yourself/having self worth makes you less good person’ Which is far away from truth.

The problem with this kind of framing is its making self worth look as bad or less good. If Tohru says she is dirty for thinking about yourself, then it also means that she thinks people who think about theirselves is dirty too which is very insulting.

2- Parallels and Comprasion between abuse victims

This part is connected to first part actually.

In any narrative, a foil is a character who contrasts with another character; typically, a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist.[2][3][4] In some cases, a subplot can be used as a foil to the main plot. This is especially true in the case of metafiction and the "story within a story" motif. (source)

Usually, in stories, author makes parallel characters to explain their story and character better. You can look at those parallels to understand them better but i think author didnt do well because it resulted with making one abuse vcitims look good cause they react their abuse with socially acceptable way while other ones look bad cuse they didnt react their abuse with socially acceptable way. I am talking about the unfair comprasion between Yuki, Rin, Kyo, Tohru and Akito’s trauma.

For example;

- Yuki reacts his trauma with shutting himself down from world. Why exactly he choose this way? Its because he was powerless against his god and adults in clan. He was treated as tool who just has to obey, he realize his words don treach out to his mother so whats the point of talking?

Will story tell Yuki that he doesnt have to aplogise from Hatori for blaming him? Nope.

- Rin who self destructs and isolates herself from others cause she thinks she is unworthy, she is psyhcially abused by her parents so badly to the point violence triggers her.

Will anyone tell Rin that asking for help isnt using someone’s kindness? Because of the line Rin said, some people said Akito was using Kureno's kindness which is ridicilous.

- Tohru who force herself to smile and please people around her, this is how she deals with her fear of abandonment

Will anyone tell this girl that sacrificng yourself is NOT kindness but nope.

I used to say that having black white mindset is Rin’s flaw but thats not actually true. Yoıu can see this in every character, how they look down people who acts ‘self centered’ or how they admire poeple who neglects theirselves. This is jut how author write her story.

All those ‘good’ characters is being compared against Akito’s trauma. Why Akito react differently? Why she didnt force herself like Tohru, why she didnt self destruct like Rin, why she didnt shut herself down like Yuki?

I think many people dont seem to understand how mental health and trauma works. Her position and her trauma is whole different them. Of course, all those characters would react differently. One was stuck in room to listen, one was beaten so badly, one was expected to be good girl and Akito who was groomed to be god.

For beginners, giving impossible expectations to a child is abuse. Sayind that they are special, born to be loved, they are god’ is abuse. Why its horrible? Because its a lie. Child would believe in adults worlds and build their mindset depend on it and thats how their identify develop. But what will happen when they face with reality? Then what, who will be become, if adults were lying? They will have mentalbreakdown, its just unevitable ending. Akito’s sitution is not better than zodiac’s abuse at all.

Imagine a child who was only seen as worth as long as she is god, she also has mother who keeps abusing her and noone does anything about it. Ren just daily abuse her and people are just watching. But she becomes bad when she does the same.

This child’s all worth is depending on that connection with people, of course she will holding onto it with everything she had. She also literally has supernatural power that forces zodiac to obey, how much that kind of power can corrupt a child’s mind. Not only that, adults around her encourage her destructive behavours. All that god position is meant to be above on zodiac, she is meant to treat them as they are lesser, her position is literally expect her to be ‘abusive’.

And raising a child with ‘its okay to you hurt them’.

In fandom, many people says they related to her pain but they never abuse others. I think most people love the idea that they would never hurt anyone this way but i disagree.

Yeah, most of us suffers as abuse victim but we need to understand what exactly hold us; you cant lash out, if you are powerless. If you know that there will be consequences of your actions, you hold yourself. Especially many of us were taught from young age that we shouldnt hurt people, good people wouldnt hurt people, you cant do that but what if we were told that it was okay to do it? What if we were constantly heard from young age that its ok to do whatever we wants, its okay to hurt others, what if there were no punishment for it?

I will give a real life example.

Sylvia Marie Likens (January 3, 1949 – October 26, 1965) was an American teenager who was tortured and murdered by her caregiver, Gertrude Baniszewski, many of Baniszewski's children, and several of their neighborhood friends. This abuse incrementally lasted for three months before Likens died from her extensive injuries and malnourishment on October 26 in Indianapolis, Indiana. (Source)

In court records, they’ve been asked that why they did such a horrible things, despite she didnt do anything wrong. And all those children answered ‘i dont know’. They were just children but they did it anyway. Why exactly this happenned? Its because the adult in charge told them its okay to do it. You can find many real life examples of how dangerous it is to build a mindset like this. Not only this, Akito is raised in clan and she has many limited world view cause she doesnt have outside expreince without it.

But story makes it look like the way Rin and Tohru reacts their abuse is better or good, praising their self destruction and Akito becomes bad because she didnt self destructive, she becomes destructive. Using abuse victims to dismiss another abuse victim’s pain is horrible. They shouldnt be compared, there is no right and wrong way to express trauma. Self destruction isnt right way or better way. Victims can lash out, self destructs, shut theirselves down etc, all those ways are unhealthy equally, they should learn to express their pain with healthy, instead of being categorized as good and bad victim.

Not only her way of reacting abuse makes her look bad but also, she is compared with abusive parents of zodiacs. How can a child who was groomed to be god, isolated, had mentalbreakdown shown as they are same as those educated who was supposed to know how to treat their children? Yes, she is abuser just like them but in her condition, it impossible to not be abuser, this is what being god of zodiac means.

The definition of justify is to provide an explanation or rationale for something to make it seem OK or to prove it is correct or OK. (source)

When we as readers make those kind of  explanations, people say ‘its no excuse’ which has nothing to do with it. Akito’s actions werent okay but we need to understand the position she was in. Why she act that way and what lead her to change?

Story shows her as she was kind, cheerfull girl and she didnt abuse zodiac until she had mentalbreakdown. The fact that she was holding herself until her mentalbreakdown, all that grroming about being god, then she was ready to change when finally someone treat her as human being and she was also ready to take responsibility for her actions, all those things should give you the answer of her character.

But in the end, she is hardly seen as victim and mostly treated as ‘bad guy', even though, she is clearly not. The way story makes its look like 'she is bad cause she didnt express her trauma with sacrifical way’ is horrible. It also give an conclusion that author doesnt really understand how abuse works.

3- Unadressed character flaws

If you make your ‘good characters’ look as flawless or dont really adress the problem, of course it would make antagonist look worse.

Slapstick,  a type of physical comedy characterized by broad humour, absurd situations, and vigorous, usually violent action. (source)

In a story about breaking cycle of abuse, Kagura and Yuki’s beating Kyo is shown as comedy with the name of slapstick. Same for Uo hurting him for no reason and its again used for comedy. And Hana’s bullying bullies too. Or Rin almost kill Tohru at their first meet which isnt funny at all, such an understimated and overlooked scenes but its ignored by fandom cause story doesnt adress it.

The problem with this; There is no such a thing that ‘violent/toxic behavours that we are not meant to take seriously’ because any kind of toxic and violent behavours are abuse, just because it doesnt end up traumatizing someone doesnt make it less important. Which is exactly why its weak writing because its character flaw and we are supposed to ignore it.

I already mentioned that Tohru’s self neglect (one of her flaws) isnt really adressed, her pollyanism is also shown as good thing, even though its very unhealthy so it should’ve been flaw.

Another example; How older zodiacs did nothing about whether Ren’s abuse on Akito, Akito’s abuse on zodiac and enabling her destructive behavours. This part doesnt necessarely a big fault of them since they are cursed too but i wish its still shown as mistake and flaw.

Kureno’s flaw wasnt him being too nice or not abandoning Akito. His flaw was him being there but doing nothing, just obeying. There is a high difference between enabling and not abandoning. Kureno’s choice was right, his flaw was something else and it was hardly mentioned and again story treated him like a prisoner, despite him having control of Akito.

Shigure’s biggest flaw is his unwilling to change but also he literally get away with how he treated Akito, he was acted like jerk but just because it somehow ended well, he never had to face with consequences of his actions. Shigure wasnt hero at all, the only good thing he did was bringing tTohru and giving a safe place to zodiac but other things he did; his motivation is selfish, his actions also hurted someone means he is villain too but kind of villain who didnt get redemption.

He is villain who got away and seen as good. For beginners, he also enabled Akito’s destructive actions too. No, he enabled those actions the most cause he traumatized her by sleeping with Ren and unlike Kureno and others, he did this on purpose. But story make it look like he is doing a good job by fighting against Akito like this. But again, there is high difference between standing out for yourself and abusing someone.

Not just them, even generally how zodiac treated Kyo as he is lesser than them or ignored him but when he acts as outcast, they shut him down. Yes, its part of system but thats the point. Akito treated zodiac as lesser cause she was god and zodiac act the same, they didnt do anything for Kyo’s going to prison because they internalized the idea of he is lesser but again, its same as Akito too. Again, its a flaw that hardly discussed and adressed.

The only character whom actually flaws adressed is Kyo’s blaming Yuki but even their complicated relationship is written as comedy, more than tragedy, Tom and Jerry style.

And even all those abusive parents and messed up clan is hardly adressed. So again, if you dont really adress all those character flaws, it will make look the one (Akito) whom flaws is adressed.

4- Too much empathy for abusive parents

I think its not hard to see this story specifically show empathy towards abusive parents in story. We know that there are many abusive parents in story but we hardly talk how easiely they get away.

For example, Momiji’s mother. Momiji himself explains how hard it is for her, for Sohma parents to be parents of zodiacs. This is a mother who abandonded her son just because he existed. But Momiji isnt even mad at her.

Or Yuki’s mother. Many people blame Akito for Yuki’s abuse but Akito is literally child and also victim in this sitution. There is high difference betwen an abused child who was groomed to be god and educated adult who is responsible for their children. This woman literally refered her son as tool, she openly said she used him for her own gains, she abandonded him to pain and her both sons have empathy for her. Look at how Yuki is happy to hear that.

Or Rin’s parents. Rin never mad at them, she is even asking forgiveness from them. There is a scene where Haru says children can be sad just like adults. This is not just character speaking, this is also what narrative is saying. But there is something wrong with that sentence. Children arent like adults, they feel emotions more, especially compared to adults. Those two sitution cant even be compared. At least, we see Haru hating them but onl y because they didnt apologise and feel sorry.

And Kyo’s father. He is not portrayed as bad but mostly as pathetic. But again, Kazuma compares him and Kyo, how Kyo acted like him. I mean of course Kyo will act like his abusive father, of course his father’s behavours will affect him.

And Akito’s mother is same too. Kureno says ‘they both hated each others’ and probably older zodiacs see them as similar too. I mean, again, there is a difference between mother’s hating her own baby and child who will hate her mother because her mother hated her. Of course, it will affect her.

And when Kureno asks ‘is Ren evil?’, Shigure answers ‘no, she is pitifull’. Story also said she is mentally unstable. Again, you can see story shows empathy for Ren.

And compared this to Akito's sitution, zodiac always talk about forgiving Akito, Yuki and others and especially Rin.

We see the scene when Rin says she will never forgive Akito but thats not the problem here. The thing is why the concept of forgiveness only exist when it comes to Akito. Why Rin never mentions about her parents? Why other characters dont get mad at them? Why people who never feel guilty, who dont change gets empathy but abuse victim, Akito doesnt get even half of it?

In real life, its so realistic. Usually abuse victims dont get mad at their abusive parents. Its easy to only blame Akito but story never adress this in the end. You can easiely see that all those abusive parents gets more empathy than abuse victims who was groomed since childhood by narrative. Which i think its ridilicous.

A character who feels extreme remorse, a character who try to change for better, a character who have terrible story deserves more empathy than those who wont change and feel sorry about their actions. Not only this, those abusive parents never really punished while abuse victim Akito is punished horribly.

And only Kyo and Akito were used to fight back against their abusers but when Kyo was healed, he stops. And after her redemption, Akito stops fighting back too and we see her, after years later, she let her abusive mother to stabs her and says she deserve it with a smile on her face.

I really dont know what author is trying to say. Like, dont fight back agaisnt your abusive parents cause they are your parents and you should reconcile with them? With every way, this is so frustrating and so unfair. Of course, they can get empathy, parenthood is hard too but this is taking it too far. They get away too easiely.

5- Normalized Toxic Love

Fruits Basket is not the first story that normalizes messed up relationships but here we go. Especially Katsuya-Kyoko, Akito’s relationship with Kureno and Shigure, high age difference, minor x adult type of relationships, also there is grooming etc even though, those things are important too, i dont wanna bring to those subjects.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. (source)

There is also pedophile and grooming in their relationship which is horrible.

And even except those factors, Akigure is canonically toxic relationship but i think its still very overlooked.

Not just because Shigure slept with her mother, i think one of the most overlooked and messed up about this relationship is how Shigure abused her. Psychological abuse. Intentionally making someone insecure, playing ith their emotions, He literally played with her mental illness and its jusitified by narrative and also by fandom.

Fandom couldnt care less about Akito because they dont have enough empathy for Akito to care. They literally put Shigure and Akito to same position, even though they are not. Why?

1- They both hurted people but at leaast Akito was dealing with many severe of mental illness while Shigure doesnt have that kind of problem

2- Akito gets punished for her actions while Shigure gets away with it.

3- Akito recognized her wrong actions and try to change for better while we never see Shigure’s actually feeling remorse for what he did to Akito. He simply doesnt see it as wrong. He thinks they are same and justify it. He thinks Akito deserved it which how many abusers think about their victims, they think they deserve it.

Many people say their relationship become healthy but there is no way this relationship can be healthy without Shigure ever recognizing his wrong actions towards Akito. Why? Because Akito wasnt the only problem in relationship, Shigure is problem too, he should look at his own actions too but nope. In the end, it never happens and story makes it look like its okay, this is love. Story justify Shigure’s abuse, just because Akito isnt ‘innocent’. When Akito does, its bad but when Shigure does, its not.

You might say ‘but author says this is love’, 'but author said their relationship became healthy’. As reader, what author shows me in her story is more important than what she says in background. Because this is clearly not love. You can look at how healthy relationship works  in here and the difference betwen love and obsession in here. Akigure is opposite of love.

And their relationship never develop healthy nice relationship either, more details about this in here and here.

6- ‘Redemption’ & Fake ‘Happy’ Ending

At first, its was nice to see that Akito wants to make up for what she did and the idea that she will try to change that place for better, like how she will break the cycle of abuse but end of story condracts with this.

Furuba another is nice and children are really adorable. But really…they are written only to tell their parents story. They just dont have their own characters,  to the point they look exactly same as their parents. They always talk about  their parents. In the end, its extra story of main one.

We also get a chance to see how much Akito feels guilty about her actions but- this is NOT karma or redemption. This is not breaking the cycle of abuse at all. Akito being stabbed by her abusive mother, being harrassed by people who literally groomed her the way she was is NOT justice or fair ending. This is NOT someting Akito deserves or something she should endure. She was their victim and she continues to be their victim again and people around her dont do anything cause oh yeah thats how she should atone. She has friends so its okay now. Look having emotional support is good but that doesnt disappear the effects of abuse, especially if people who supoort you ignore it when you are being abused, then it gets worse.

In the end, Akito the one who is abuse victim just like zodiac, end up being still cursed.

7- Writing Villain, Hero & Story

The problem with Akito’s story is not that she is not sympathyc but opposite, she is actually very sympathic character but author failed to show it to the readers. This is exactly why its so frustrating.

Set up compeling backstory that show he/she at the beginning is a good person at heart or at the very least a decent human being but due to some event (cruel/tragic/betrayal) losing hope in the goodness of men or after being corrupted by the evil of the world then choose to walk the path of villain. (source)

Author could easiley show Akito’s past with more details, her kind cheerfull self, all that grooming, how it effected her etc but we hardly see it. her redemption happens with 1 chapter which is so rushed.

During the series, she stabs, push someone out of window, cutting he hair, hitting people, beating child etc especially for this kind of charatcer, if you want to give redemption, you should make extra effort it. Also, all those things were so unnecessary. Its like author needed one bad guy to make story look better, instead of making all characters gray, she used one character for it so it would be a lot easier to push all blame to her. Which is very lazy writing, instead of adressing every character’s flaw and making them human/gray characters, she is somehow related to every problem one way or another.

Just like cartoons. One hero saves everyone, one cause trouble for everyone. To make them foils, you need to show how  dark hero can be or let your vilain grow during the story, not the end of it.

Or at least, you should show your villain’s struggling, showing her mindset so readers can have empathy for her but instead all that suffering Akito endured happenned in background, we hardly see it.

In the end, Akito is sympatic character who is related to the theme of story the most but only to be wasted. More details about her character is in here.)

The easiest way to avoid unrealistic behavior is to research how real people behave in similar situations. If real people who are locked in a basement through adolescence end up with serious problems, so would your dungeon-confined character. Not that your character should be like everyone else; you want him to be distinctive. But the bigger the gap between his traits and normal behavior, the more convincing your explanation must be. (source)

And making a sunshine main character who magically save everyone, who did nothing but help people. Then, of course people wont take seriously of Akito’s parallels with her. Every main character has plot armor but it should make sense, for example, Kyo and Yuki’s not joining the new year meeting for the sake of a girl they didnt meet a lot of time doesnt make sense. Especially, if Yuki was really afraid of Akito, he wouldnt be able to do that. Also you cant heal people like Tohru, just being positive and hopefull doesnt work. You should let your hero (Tohru) to be gray too but instead she is being protected by all dark things during the series that villain (Akito) had to live with all her life.

Its like; one young girl who was raised with love and end up finding more and more love while another young girl who was trapped with cycle of abuse and end up having more and more pain which is very unfair, let both of them to be happy, especially the ones hwho was in pain.

Of course, if you dont adress the system and clan, people only look at Akito, other problematic characters are hardly shown, its like they are hiding behind Akito. Who is exactly at fault here? All those adults who decided to continued the traditions? Abusive parents? Or a child who was groomed since her young age? Akito didnt create the situtions, she is victim of it but why she has to take everyone’s responsibility? Why her abusers and enablers are blaming her and author make it sound like its redemption? How  being abused by her abusers can be her karma? Do us readers have to ignore all that grooming, trauma and abuse she had?

What exactly the message author wanted to give? And did she really success? Lets look at the fandom.

There is no eternal bond.

If you make a character who reach out to people with unconditionally love and again, make your hero and villain so dark and light, some people migh t not ice the similarities. They think Tohru is reaching out to Akito cause she is forgiving, kind and unconditional love an all but in that scene, it was supposed to be opposite. Its interesting because its personal but again, its hardly noticed that Tohru was helping Akito, not for her but mostly for her own sake.

And the biggest flaw both Tohru and Akito had was depending on bonds, people. Tohru learns but ending Akito with a guy whom she had very toxic relationship, whom she is very depentive of and literally their whole romatinc relationship is based on ‘eternal’, uncontional love. Akito was supposed to be her own person, meeting with people who will love her as her own person, she needs time to develop personality and healing but ending her with Shigure....thank you, author, showing that noone can love Akito as her own person, only a guy like Shigure who saw her in his dream can love her, right?

Its not about forgiveness.

Story repeatedly say forgiving or not, its not important but people constantly focusing the part Akito being forgiven or not. Some says ‘she was forgiven by zodiac’, ‘some say she wasnt forgiven’ or ‘she doesnt deserve this’ which is the opposite point of story. The reason story tells its not important, its giving you a decision, the whole reason says he doesnt want to blame others anymore is because he wants to get rid of ‘victim mentality’ which is the last step of healing. There is no such a thing that she deserve or doesnt deserve, its literally about feelings and only thing matters is moving on.

what’s the difference between a positive character arc and a redemption arc?

Well, redemption arcs are simply a more dramatic form of positive character arcs.

A normal positive arc character is flawed, but is still on mostly stable moral ground. A character who undergoes a full redemption arc, on the other hand, starts from a much worse place. Their actions at the start of their story are likely awful or borderline unforgivable, meaning they have much more work ahead of them to truly overcome these problems. (source)

There are people who said Akito didnt get redemption or her acrs isnt about being forgiven which is again....redemption is exist for people like Akito who did unforgivable things,not just Akito, noone’s character arc is about being forgiven by people they hurted.

Some people in fandom justify how Shigure treated Akito and they say how characters like Shigure and Ayame push her which is again far away from the truth. Atyame’s constant ignorance and especially Shigure’s triggering her trauma is the reason she felt insecure, its made her condition worse. Hatori said this, every time Shigure came, her condition is gotten worse. Akito could’ve healed with a lot of ways other than this so saying that Shigure had to do this, she had to or deserves to have mental breakdown is horryfing. But of course, people will think that way because author made story like that too.

Dont categorize people like that.

Author use this line with Tohru but of course, its clearly not that effective for readers. The fact that people spend so many times of getting mad at Akito, talking about forgiven or not, how her redemption isnt exist or not about its etc etc this shows lack of empathy. Its been years since story ended but people still talk about this means they didnt acknowledge her change and redemption that much. Of course not because some poeple dont even understand what is exactly her trauma or they even assume Tohru would never do this which doesnt work in real life. The fact that she is stil refered as abuser but not as abuse victim, even after her redemption shows it. People are categorizing characters as good and bad. People take seriously of Kyo and Yuki’s trauma but dismiss Akito’s trauma.

If readers dont feel empathy for a character they are meant to empathize, then its bad writing.

Its okay, if you dont force yourself like this.

Authors tell people, her characters that they dont have to for theirselves like this, they dont have to smile, they dont have to sacrifice theirselves, they can think about their own needs too but of course, again this message doesnt work because we never see main character or other characters actually learn and take lesson with this. Because its never shown as flaw. Its shown as hardworking.

- - -

Okay, i really appreaciate the messages author intented to give. How people shouldnt depend, they should learn to let go of things, how relatiomnships can end but there are new meetings...its really really good message. I admire that part of story and characters and story was really entertaining in general.

But you can clearly see that author’s message didnt really reach out to her many readers, yes, we can say its lack of reading but its also author’s fault cause she write her story with black and white world view mindset.

What could’ve happenned?

We dont need sexual relationships plot at all, just feelings were enough, Akito and Shigure not ending together, story adressing every character’s flaws, pushing out of window was unnecessary instead just cutting hair part was enough, Kyo’s connection with Tohru’s mother was unncessary, his trauma is enough, story being with a little more dark but with happy ending, Tohru interacting with worst characters and maybe having breakdown and acting dark too, not putting all blame on the Akito, not making everyone couple or hetero, or letting Akito grow as person during the story and seeing her backstory with full details or at least giving Akito a happy ending or etc many many things just could’ve happenned.

She could easiely be the most popular character. Think about why Kyo is the most popular because he is realistic, he lash out, gets angry, we have his whole backstory, show his growth since beginning, feel his pain with closer look, unlike other characters, his flaw is adressed so its interesting, its realistic. This is why he is popular, if only author did the same thing with Akito, she would be easiely most popular character in story.

Her many characters arent realistic, real problem of story/curse was hardly adressed, Akito who is very great example of real life abuse victims is shown as evil. Author ended up normalizing toxic relationship, justify abuse cause the person was abuser too. And story is about breaking bonds, cycle of abuse but in the end, its not what happens in story.

What author shows is more important than what author and narrative says in story. This is not love, this is not how people break cycle of abuse, this is not redemption, this is not how people with mental illness act, there is such a thing that grooming, long effects of mental illness and how it will effect mindset. If author isnt gonna adress it, then why she write her villain like that? Does she even know what she write?

I know that author is not psychologist but i wish at least she made some research about mental illness and abuse victims before writing about it. She is human being but this is exactly why we need to accept that there are many flaws in her story. I cant say why she did write like that or maybe she just didnt care that much, its her own story but as reader, i have a right to criticize story and i need to say that i hate how the way she handled her story, her characters, especially Akito.

This is why i hate Akito’s ending, she is very sympathyc character for me cause she is great example of real life abuse victims but her pain and trauma is so overlooked both by story and fandom. And thats very disturbing and sad because it reminds me of how abuse victims are treated in real life, how their pain doesnt valid because they didnt express it with the way people wanted and this story normalize it and show this as good thing. Those are the reasons why i hate it. (I might edit things later).

[sharpwin101]

“EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR YOU”

N.B. Hey guys, I'm re-uploading this narrative due to previous grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. mistakes. I'm completely bad at proofreading lol, and didn't take the time to read over, but after receiving some very impactful feedbacks on twitter, it gave me the motivation I needed to somewhat correct these mistakes🤞hopefully enough, finishing this fanfic, which I must say I'm quite excited for you guys to read.

  S2 EP16 “EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR YOU”,

  CHAPER 1

I don't get it?  As tears stream down her cheeks,

Her thoughts raced as she remained in front of her bathroom mirror long enough to get agitated by her own self-pity. 

She understood that harboring such feelings would not only be self-destructive, but would keep her trapped, she was mentally stronger, and refuses to let it sabotage the barrier she has construct throughout the years.

She knew conquering and embracing Max’s indecisiveness, was just a question of time. That continues to fail him terribly, repeatedly, to define them, what they meant to each other, wondering how much longer, if not impossible, it will be for him to embrace and overcome his own fetters to unleash what he truly feels. 

Will he ever? she’s impel to believed, naively unaware of her imperceptiveness to his true desire, behind his barriers, causing her to suspect mistakenly,

Questing “does he feels the same” 

She paces back and forth, flipping her heels off with a small grimace, scattering them on the floor.

Fervently turning to her living room, with an instant wipe of her tears, in the direction of the liquor cupboard, pulling the first wine bottle her hand came across, desperate for a wine opener, she run-walk towards the kitchen, leaving nearly all of the drawers open while probing through.

She spotted the opener. Yes, yes! Clutches it obstinately, relieved. 

As she holds the bottle inverted between her knees, she struggled to open it a bit, her mind still being indistinct after their encounter, temporarily forgotten how to open the wine bottle.

(The wine cork flew free)

She hastily turns it to her head, gulping it down as if she didn't have time to consume it a bit slower, inadvertently spilling it on her. 

Crap!

Returning to the bathroom in search of her robe, while undressing herself and gulping more wine down her throat.

Being the clean freak she is, immediately after, she brought her clothing towards the laundry room, as she senses the impending intoxication looming over her.

(Crash)The wine bottle slipped from her deft grip and shattered on the floor. 

she slowly slumped to the floor, leaning against the laundry door for support grappling to sit up. While her clothes slowly unfold from her arms, As she casts a longing glare into space.

She ruminate aloud, frustratedly. 

What is wrong with me? Staring up towards the roof, as though she was seeking answers to all of life's unanswered questions from a greater Entity.

Why I’m I so unlucky?

I fought on, knowing that I wasn't even sure whether I'd be ready too, if you chose me then or now, she added, laughing.

All the walls I've worked so hard to build, comes crumbling down whenever I see, I can’t comprehend it. 

As she gently holds the nape of her neck, breathing deeply, with her left hand  supporting her head, while facing down. I don't want to lose control; I can't lose control.

You say these significant things,

you look at me in the way you do, and then you do nothing?  How can I fight for that?

You asked me why I did what I did, despite the fact that you already knew the answer. I asked you to define us; 

what exactly, this, we are?  as she motioned for answers

I've given you so much, and I tried so hard not to but it's as if all my rationale goes out the window when you're in danger. (laughing sarcastically at her self). 

For God sake, you yelled at me.......... whenever I try to help.

I have these fantasies about you before getting out of bed, I've tried to ignore it; believe me, I have (laughing) 

now I'm just here talking to myself.

As her gaze wandered around the room, she became irritated by the smashed wine bottle. 

   “ FIGHT FOR US”,

CHAPERT 2

(KNOCKING) She tilted her head, confusedly glancing towards the front door, wondering if it was the alcohol or someone was actually at the door.

Struggling to get up from the floor, as she continues to listen attentively to hear whether the knocking was coming from her front door. She slightly slipped when grabbing for her phone on the kitchen counter, to check the time.

11:43pm

Tightening her robe as she wiped her face, pondering, a few names flashed through her mind, But why would they not call? silently muttering to herself. Her phone started to ring as soon as the knocking ceased. Resuming her attention to her phone, which lids up, displaying "Dr. Max Goodwin” with a slight discontent look, she responded, still gazing at the door, nervously biting down on her index finger.

What, what do you want? She answered. 

"I'm at your door; will you let me in?". Quickly swallowing her saliva, her heart races, instantly lowering her phone to her side, with a million thoughts rushes through her head as she looked at the messed she had created, quickly ending his call. She began picking up her clothes from the floor and rushed to the washroom, staring at her flushed face, unbothered at this point and didn't care whether he noticed she was crying.

She trudged towards the front door, spotting her bed slippers and pulls them on.  Briefly pausing before opening the door.

There he was, standing in front of her. Casually dressed, in blue jeans, a grey    t-shirt, and his black jacket, which she had seen him in before.

Trying not to look into his eyes, but he has already peered right into hers. Struck by how small and delicate she looks outside the walls of the hospital, becoming completely lost in her eyes, unable to speak. 'Um, I... What are you doing here? she asked, before he could finish his sentence.

Were you crying? With a slight head tilt, she rolled her eyes irritably as she turns her back on him, leaving the door ajar. What are you doing here, Max?, her voice raised rather than normal. The frustration in her voice perplexed him. I wanted to ‘Um, before noticing the shattered wine bottle on her floor. 

As she reaches to get the mob and dustpan from the storage area adjacent to her kitchen. He watches her as she teeters, shutting the drawers that she left open earlier.

As she approaches the spilt wine on the floor, she kept her eyes lowered trying not to look him into his. He detects her shakiness as she extends the broom over the shattered wine bottle. No! he said, with no intent, to say it so loudly. Reaching his hands towards the broom.

Let me help, she still persisted. He gently withdrew the broom from her grasp when she walked away towards another section of her apartment, as his eyes followed her.

He disposed the shattered glass in the trash can, placing the mob and dustpan into the already opened storeroom.

In search of her, he returned to the living room area. noticing she had her back to him, curled up on her couch in a sitting position, fully wrapped in a blanket that matches the color of his shirt.

He stood behind her for minute before approaching.

Placing his hand on her shoulder as he walks to the side of the couch. She shivers at his touch just enough for it to go unnoticed while still looking down.

Seating next to her, he tries to get her attention. Helen, she did not respond. I'm sorry.... As he questioned. Are you okay? Placing her right palm on her forehead, displaying a tiny discomfort. She muttered, I have a minor headache. ‘Um, do you have any pain relievers? Instantly patted his forehead after, quickly realizing she wouldn't be able to take it seeing that she was drinking. Hastily corrects himself, do you want me to make you some tea? she fixes her gaze on him.

Please let me make you tea, while he makes his usual puppy eyes at her.

She gave her approval with a nod. Where are your…...? Instructing him with a finger while drawing the blanket back up to her shoulders. He stood up lively, walking towards her kitchen, absolutely taken aback by how tidy and organized her apartment looked.

Already knowing what kind of tea because they both enjoy it the same, reaching into the pantry for the box of tea bags on the lower shelf, pulling a cup from the washer and placing it on the hot water kettle. He spoons in 1/2 teaspoon of sugar exactly how she likes it. While leaning his back on the counter.

As he waited for the water to heat up, he indulged in his thoughts, gazing around her kitchen.

The whistling from the kettle stopped, with relieved he turned around, adding the hot water to the tea bag and returning to her,

With a wide smile on his face, he hands her the cup, she noticed he didn't have his wedding ban, she looked into his eyes as her hands extends to take the cup. He noticed that she noticed, with a little distance between them, he sat beside her in silence. 

on her third sip of tea, he glances at her and proceeded to apologize.

I should never have let you walk out that door, ‘I, I.... I have tried to hide this.  It's been hard,

It almost drove me completely insane. As she looked at him, intently listening 

I've tried to hold back, since the day we met.......................... It's been eating me alive knowing I felt this way while being married and had already started a family,

but I can't deny that I haven't felt this, not any more, he remarked, shaking his head.

For the longest time, I felt guilty, knowing I had felt this way about you,

if I let you slip out of my life, without trying, to fighting for us, I will not survive it, 

I see you, Helen. it’s just that sometimes it takes me a minute, to remember what matters more than anything, you.

He drew closer to her, as she sets the tea cup on the center table. Helen, 

I’m ready to fight. Fight for you, for Us. 

Every time you've been near me, I've wanted to do stuff to you, imagining what it would be like. 

You are undeniably BEAUTIFUL and sexy, and I need to have you, in all the ways I have been dreaming of.

She swallows her nonexistent saliva as he got closer. With her mouth partially open, uncontrollably batting her eyes at him. She searches his eyes, while he searches hers for permission, to touch her, intimately. Placing his left hand on the right side of the back of her neck sliding his fingers upward, gently holding on to her hair, a rush of adrenaline prickled her stomach, as he watched the whooshing of her breathing, thinking how soft on silky the growths of her hair felt.

She needed him to touched her, she needed to grip him closer, but her body was weak, weak to his touch. As they stared intensely at each other, their faces being only a few inches apart, tightening his grip on her hair, causing her to slightly tilted her head back, finally freeing of her temporary paralysis, she grabs hold to his muscular arm with her left hand, while clutching his side with her other hand.

He knew he was in charge, and she wanted him, his lips being a inch closer to hers, her eyelids, fill down slowly closing.

Their lips touch, as their bodies tingles, her chest rises, left her feeling like she had no air. The instant chemistry they felt, was uncontrollable. His thinking slowed when his lips met hers. Time becoming unknown, as if he were in a dream, how warm and crazily soft her lips were.

As they draw each other deeper and further into each other's sanctum, thrusting herself up with a knee for support. 

Has he pauses, looking intently into her eyes, slowly begin rolling her robe over her shoulder.

In complete awe of how clear and smooth her skin appears, while stirring her down. He notices she was wearing a black lace bra that matches her thong, which complemented her skin tone well, lost in her eyes, before entirely removing her robe. As she gets back up on both knees, yanking his jacket off, while he impatiently helped her to removed his shirt.

Unbuckling his belt, she unzip his jeans. Holding her by the lower portion of her cheeks, he punches his tongue into her mouth. Resting his back on the couch, hoisted her up on top of him.

feeling her body, with both his hands on her waist, recognizing how small it was in comparison to her hips, being considerably wider. She bends her knees and places her hands on the couch over his shoulder. As his tongue trails down her neck, while unclipping her bra, struggling a little.

Carefully pulling it off, her hands fill to her side, looking down at him, when he stroked her breast with his hands, causing her head to fall back uncontrollably, as a rush of adrenaline went to her vulva, gasping harder as he places his mouth over her tit, slowly sliding his hand into her thong concomitantly.

He gave her a look, realizing she was already lubricated, as she gasped for breath somewhat dropping her upper body backwards as his hand quickly supported her back, her mouth flew wide open, when he slid his index and middle finger in an upward motion on her clit.

She moaned loudly as he stroked it faster, her body slipping in and out of his grip, being a fraction of a second from an orgasm, he halted.

He hoisted her up positioning her back laying on the couch, with one of his hands intertwined with hers above her head. He opens her legs slightly with his bent knee, while she bends her knees up to give him access. Passionately kissing her while caressing her clit with his right fingers. Her heart races. As he drags his tongue in between her breasts, he releases her hands as he went down further, trailing his tongue towards her navel, causing her tummy to jerked.

He elevates his head up as he pulls himself down more to her vulva, while holding on to her hips. He tasted her, swiftly clinging to the cushion behind her, unable to keep her legs steady as he licks her clit. (she rapidly gasp for air).  

She weakly tries to pull him up, with her orgasm being at it’s peek, moving back towards her lips, as they exchanged sensual glances. Using his hands as a support to keep himself upright while holding on to his already-erected dick. He puts the blanket under her back to elevate her slightly.

Penetrating her. Max, she screamed, quivering and gasping for breath, as she looks deeply into his eyes, attempting to caress the side of his face, (while she bit her bottom lip, as he went in deeper, she clutches onto him.

His sweat drips on her skin, as he moans, they couldn’t get enough of each other.

As he penetrates deeper, harder and faster inside her, he tightens his grasp around her waist. As they drew closer, their moans became more even louder.

Fuck! he shouted as he ejaculated his semen into her, simultaneously in the instant of her orgasm relief. They both felt to the ground. Looking at each other, completely in awe. 

He extends his hand to the side of her face, pulling her in, to cuddled her.

[ceescedasticity]

observation changes the observed (again)

Recall, the 'alternate Fear color wheel. VERY unfortunately I have had Many Additional Thoughts about this.

First, intro/recap:

Modified slightly from last time's formulation:

Corpus: Body horror. Bodies warped or reshaped. Gruesome injuries. Infection and putrescence.

End: End as in canon-verse.

Eye: Being watched. Being judged. Something knowing your secrets. Terrible knowledge. The other side of secrets — things that you need to know but can't, insoluble mystery.

Forsaken: Loss. Bereavement. Loneliness, in a place where you would expect to find people. Abandonment.

Hunt: As in canon-verse.

Infinite: Heights, vertigo, falling. Insignificance in the universe. Vast depths. Loneliness in a place you wouldn't expect to find people. Incomprehensible complexity (e.g. fractals). Weather/natural disasters not otherwise specified.

Maw: Being buried or crushed. Being trapped (physically). Being eaten. Small places. Being prey of something that doesn't even need to hunt you.

Miasma: Darkness, absence of light. Bad water and bad air. Contagion. The unclean. Stains.

Mirror: The self. Being someone you don't want to be. Failure. Internal madness — fear of your own mind, inability to trust your own thoughts or senses because there's something wrong with them. Loss or theft of identity. Doppelgangers.

Puppeteer: Mind control. Manipulation. Being deceived by others. Lies and deception with intent. Stages, stage fright, performance. (Not puppets, though.)

Rampage: Untargeted or broadly targeted violence. Mass destruction. Uncontrolled fire. Tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes.

Stranger: Mannequins, dolls, automatons, robots, puppets (oddly enough). External madness — the world does not make sense. Lies and deception for their own sake.

Swarm: Worms, spiders, bees, wasps, scorpions, and anything else that could be described as a bug. Being trapped in an incomprehensible crowd. Mobs.

Torment: Pain. Being targeted for pain. Being watched suffer. Being trapped (by circumstance or by a person). Chains. Inability to get away from something or someone.

Orrrrrrr...

Sorry for the Infinite being out of order, it got a last-minute name change. Green line -- basically the same. Blue line -- all or almost all of one goes into the other. Red lines -- more specific re-allotment.

If one of these Entities is more sentient than the others, it's the Mirror. And the Mirror, well, it has its fun with mirrorlings who take your place and its (less lethal and more-energy efficient) take on the NotThem, and so on. But its staple food, the reason it's as strong as it is, is what if I can't? what if I'm not good enough? am I a bad person? what if I fail? what if I make the wrong choice? None of which have anything remotely close to the same bite if you realize/believe failure is inevitable because of outside forces or that your choices don't actually matter.

So the Mirror is very strongly opposed to any and all Rituals. It likes for people to struggle and fight and succeed in escaping destruction by it or any other Entity, because they will only be more afraid of failing the next time. The Mirror prefers that there always be a chance of escape -- maybe not a good chance or a fair chance but an attainable chance.

So its avatars sabotage rituals. They sometimes snipe or poach other Entities' avatars -- although that's only partially sabotage and partially the fact that an avatar who isn't happy about what they're turning into is Mirror catnip.

They have also been under the impression that the Eye is (approximately) on their side. Because it doesn't need to kill to feed, either, right? And a ruined world will stagnate and get boring, right? So while they have their own goals and play their own games, they're less of an enemy than most of the others. They think.

[queenofallwitches]

Why I hate people who spend their adult life arguing online;

1. Well it’s juvenile , I personally prefer to leave any and all pseudo intellectual social discourse in my 6th grade debating class...

2. You aren’t anyone important and not saying novel things, you are using people who have put information that is novel and trying to spin it into your own agenda.

3. Waste of time, fools will be foolish, and if you enjoy the discourse, toastmasters or academic debating would be more productive uses of time

4. You lack self insight

5. You are self aware and doing it due to your own egotistical, sadistic, cunning desires. (Trolls, deep fakes)

Why I never take anyone who loves to argue on menial topics seriously: (spiritually or mentally)

I am high iq and high eq. I am also “attractive by the conventional measures of society” I deal with the most pathetic and malicious idiots who cannot understand a woman who has aesthetic appeal, that can also hold a stimulating and intelligent conversation.

I don’t argue. I problem solve. Arguing online was faded out when I was 14 years old.

But people who are almost 40, ar still out there pretending that they are the most unique and authoritative source of blogging bullshit. When the world media and journalism is where we are today. The academic literature speaks a plethora more than an adult in the hamster wheel, unable to see they are playing checkers in a left vs right, design by social engineering and the think tanks of Tavistock, you play the part they put you to be.

A dialectic of irrational and repetitive arguments is never productive.

It lacks a solution or a higher order of resolution, why are you behaving to destroy when you are claiming to want to create a world better?

So unconscious and unexplained lack of self awareness in adults who are obviously insecure and ignorant becomes old quick.

I comprehend why it’s important but the level of the argument is basic, and been recycled 1000000 times.

Why am I writing this? Free speech is not free. If you can discourse over the same shit and never find a solution you are part of the same fucking problem.

How I know?

Life experience. Learning.

Love of learning and living and devouring the higher level of what if, how can we, let’s move into a better solution.

I have many years of experience that is beyond the understanding of most people and I have gone through things nobody understands.

One time I was a young teen, but was already too smart, too sassy, too aware and that left my life a wreck after I went too far.

I DID get expelled in the 11th grade. I’m no idiot, I am actually genius, by measures of conventional iq.

So I was academically talented without effort, not to boast, because I hated being smart.

But I did get the internet social discourse I needed to say; on things that we should be all knowing are social engineering in a designed dichotomy to divide and conquer.

I was in a program in high school called cum laude. I cannot recall the meaning. But we were advanced academics, not only skilled at learning but sports, extra curricular things like musicals, choir, crusade survivor camps (duke of Edinburgh), debating, tutoring/mentoring younger students & more. I won many awards without trying. Mostly for geography (social science), design tech, visual art & creative writing. I was learning university level things in year 8. And examining and analysis to debate in scholarly discourse about topics that were familiar when I was in 1-2 year of my bachelor degree. An example is philosophy, as this was mandated in the GT program. Smart is my sense of knowing how to balance the logical and the emotional. This is ONE percent of my life but one I did not follow through on and as a result I walk this path now, and I put up with the educated and intelligent “idiots” (like conformity, bullying, bitching kids in the same class) and refuse to stoop to low iq, low eq and low level idiots.

You waste time. I am not saying I am only exclusive to educated or academic professionals, that is not what this is about. This is about me being underestimated and undermined and never taken seriously because I get the most inhuman torment if I do start to speak my truth.

Lucky I found comfort in solitary rebellion. So. Let’s see what I am that is always going to be a work in progress but what my enemies forget all the time.

To remind you:

I am a born, intuitive empath, psychic and ancestral lineages of many esoteric paths play into my natural ability. I used to hate feeling, knowing and perceiving things that I could see happening, in my dreams, visions and “gnosis” before they happened. I felt powerless.

But now I know how to harness it, things change.

And yet still I have to sit back and observe, as I did for years in school, and then in the fucking shithole employment situation that was my consequence of 2 expulsions from schools. (They value conformity over fucking intelligence) I had a gang of kids in my last high school sign a petition to have me expelled and that is one example of how people in my life come to attack, hate, misunderstand and spit venom for no reason.

I never push that energy myself. But I call things as I see them. I am real , and my perception is primed to pierce the veil on those who lack authenticity, who are bullies, cunning, cruel, conformists, deep fakes, fraudulent, following orders for the sake of fear, or just narcissistic or psychopathic “organic portals” who carry out the agenda for the black lodge.

I have no issue if these people want to live a life away from me and what I protect. But when my sphere is crossed into on a repeated basis, I will study the situation in silence. I won’t speak of what I see, without objective and subjective factors weighed in a careful, cautious but not closed minded, way. See you and I are probably not the same because I’m the kind of human who always gives people the benefit of the doubt and believes that people are better, that is my detriment and my strength. I see the good and hope that others carry a genuine heart and soul. But my experience shows me that I am not wrong when I feel off, or intuitive feelings are ignored due to my “dismissal”.

When I find the truth, I always say, I knew I needed to listen to my heart and head.

That’s why I can never be broken, or betrayed, or backstabbed worse than before. It is always a learning lesson I am open to growing from.

I am always open to being wrong, or told how to be better, my flaws are on open display and I am not scared of that. I want to be more helpful to grow and nourish the people and places I interact with.

In my world, arguing online was a dying medium by my 18th birthday. For many reasons. But the enemy is a sucker for this divide and conquer, drama bred social and political bullshit that’s all just opinion and speculation. It creates a negative tone and teaches nothing of novelty or wisdom. It just shows how weak, insecure, paranoid, and self obsessed people who are too old for the high school bullshit, by miles, are. my enemies could even spit out the first longing to follow the death cult of the black lodge, I was already aware of what 95 % of you found out in 2020. I don’t mean to be pretentious or pompous, I’m not. I’m actually the most passionate, loving and open minded human I know. But the people who come into my spaces to play to prey. Imposters and the immoral, A siphoning sickness in a role to ruin, how could anyone do that but someone who is a soul-devoid parasite? That’s real fucking discourse. Let’s talk about morality, moral principles and how they are applied and actualised into the metacogition of your own microcosm.

Suggestions and solutions?

How about discourse on the metaphysics of mystic, magick, the mind and the method to mend the mundane world into a manifestation where a symbiotic system of mutually beneficial prosperity, peace, collaboration, creation & harmony can be lived on a daily basis?

How about solutions and sitting with your own shadow in the darkness to see your flaws.

how they only give me a free pass to watch the shit show. when push comes to shove and patterns that are seen in your behaviour, cyclically, are the key that unlocks the truth of anyone’s hidden motivation.

Why is deception and destruction never noted by the deceived, unless someone like me comes to break the wall of ignorance to say “hey this is the truth and it hurts and looks vile but fucking wake up”. No I don’t like the ripple impact this has but at the same time I am aw woman of strength. I will stand up for the real, authentic and genuine truth and speak my mind.

I don’t sugar coat this bullshit.

Nor will I indulge it.

Let alone be a person who lets it seep it’s tendrils into my life and what I love.

Not ever. Never.

As someone wise once said “despair ends, tactics begin”

You cannot claim any authentic path without putting your soul, blood and spirit to the test of facing your demons, slaying the darkness. I am not sure that comes with what I and others see these action and behaviour presenting to be.

I rarely write things like this, and only want to address this because i walk on a path of “rose and thorn”. My thorn will eventually slay whatever is a threat, a charlatan or a sheep in wolves clothing. By accident. Because what you are lacking is always looking to attack, I am always having to protect and defend my life from the evil.

I see you. I know the hidden hand x64. I am always open to forgiving people if they are sincere but will play reflection of the adverse if passive people are coming to what to me, is a beautiful and amazing thing, and to be acting as agents of sabotage? Shame on your lack of soul, and it’s lack of seeking to steal, stain and shit all over the things of substance, spirituality and sincerity will always be seen when I am the seer seeing the undertones.

So where is the moral compass?

Find yourself, and then you can find something real that is yours to be into and love. Maybe even this. But to fuck with what is real, while being fake, and following orders, is by far, fence sitting and fraudulent, insidious & infantile activity. Why not spend time looking inside to see why you are following this order from who for what? What is your genuine purpose? Soul mission? Higher self ? Or are you all still stuck in the love is the law is the law love under the will of the guy who wrote a book last century.

Fucking even Crowley lived his great work, and he has flaws and did things many would dispute to be “evil”. But he didn’t copy another clone from 100 years prior, following the mantra that someone else made up. That’s the stupid thing, the whole “do what thou wilt” was not do what you want but that is not a strong point for the sheep of the worst. I know as I see both sides, and as a child in the 90s I saw the dark, evil and insidious. To see that again, here, 3 decades later, playing coy but really carrying rancid intent.. is my call to commune what many will never see, because you all are complicit, and tell these fucking lies and divert productive progress by your stupid discourse. These people LOVE senseless debating. Semantics. Solutions, self awareness or seek a soul inside the empty cavern that the black lodge will set inside your sadistic serpentine, slimy soul.

[hopeassassin]

Condemned

This almost devolved into something it shouldn’t have. As always, like clockwork. But this is basically a song fic, so I said to myself NO. You are NOT doing this again.

So here we go.

Inspired by Florence and the Machine’s “Heavy in Your Arms”.

A re-write of the pre-Rakuzan/Touou InterHigh match AoMomo argument, reimagined and with a different twist.

Title: “Condemned” on AO3 Word Count: 6069 Summary: She lifts her head to look into his eyes with the most intense glare he has ever been the recipient of. Satsuki's magenta eyes are sparking with anger, accusation and disdain.

Although looks cannot in fact kill, a part of Daiki certainly dies when their gazes lock.

"I hate you so much that if I could only live without you, I would kill you myself, with my own hands."

Daiki learns quickly about the fact he’s taken out of the Rakuzan/Touou match line up because of Satsuki and what she’s said to coach.

Because, of course she has. 

Who else would notice what he tries to hide if not her? Who else would stick their neck out for him if not Satsuki?

He doesn’t seem to see it the same way though. He doesn’t say anything during practice when he’s told but she can see in his face that he’s livid. 

He takes his duffel bag and storms out without a word to anybody but she can feel in her bones that he has a lot to say. 

She knows better and doesn’t want to get in the middle of that before he works through it. So she stays at practice dutifully that day, despite the fact that all the other team members keep throwing her these furtive, worried looks.

Still, there’s only so long she can procrastinate the inevitable. She has to rip it off like a bandaid and she will need to confront Daiki about this. She has to at least try to make him see things the way they are—see them her way.

She finds him in his room. 

Sulking, seething. 

She almost doesn’t want to open her mouth and speak because she’s sure this will get very unsightly very fast.

Then again, she knew it from the moment he hid from the coach and acted as if he’s fine after his match with Kise when he hurt his arm. She knew he’s becoming dangerously self-destructive and that if she stands up for him, he will not appreciate it and it will blow up in her face.

But the alternative—pretending she doesn’t see, pretending, like he does, that it’s all fine—is just so much worse. 

If he ends up crippling himself because she indulges his negligence and he ends up carrying this grudge that he remained undefeated his entire life—she doesn’t think she can live it down. It’s a regret in her life she refuses to have.

Anything else he has to say and do to her - she can survive that. Some way or another. 

But not that.

Anything but that.

So she tries to explain this to him. That he is in no condition to be playing a full-out brawl against a champion candidate like Rakuzan. It will put unnecessary strain on his already damaged elbow. He needs to rest for now so he can play against them next time.

When his brows knit and his eyes narrow, she braces for the ugly argument she has seen coming from a mile away.

What she isn’t ready for is that as he lashes out, some of the things he says are that she is doing this to him to get in his way, pull his legs out from under him. That she doesn’t want to see him win, she wants him to fail so much that she will even go as far as sabotage him. All so she can have things her way.

It’s so rude of him to even think that, not to mention say it to her, because she will never do underhanded, blatantly disrespectful things like that. 

She doesn’t feel that way and she always does things properly, gives every match her all, takes every opponent seriously—although he certainly doesn’t, so how dare he try to pin his vices on her?! If he wants to project his failures onto her, he has another thing coming.

She tells him so directly, gloves off and no sugarcoating. She tells him that even though he may do that, she never will. She treats every opponent with the respect they deserve for being able to stand on the court, and she believes she can learn from every match. 

Satsuki sees the shadow that crosses his face at her accusation and she understands. She wishes she doesn’t but she is herself and he is Dai-chan, so she understands. That it hurts him to be failed again and again by spineless cowards who aren’t ready to deal with a prodigy like himself. People who don’t have his fiery tenacity, who don’t try as hard as he does, don’t put as much effort forward as he does. It’s only natural that they would get results vastly different than his, because what he invests is much different from what they do.

And she understands, but it’s pissing her off so damn much. That he’s willing to squander it all—willing to fight her over it, too—just over a single match with an opponent they will have three whole years to play against. 

Because she knows the only one Daiki actually sees as a worthy opponent in Rakuzan is Akashi-kun and Akashi-kun only. 

When he cuts her off, the argument veers off into an even more infuriating direction than it already was, because he has the gall to tell her that what she’s doing is for her own benefit and she’s being selfish. That she must have some hidden agenda to get in the way of his game and this must be bringing her some sick kind of pleasure. 

He blames her for having some kind of God complex, that she thinks she always knows better than him, than coach, than everybody, and she has a need to constantly prove it.

He tells her with utter disdain that she probably feels so almighty for having the authority to use him as her little marionette whenever she sees fit just to prove to everyone and himself just how much better than everyone she knows, just to prove herself right.

It smarts, it stings, it hurts, because every little thing she does, every single one, she does for him and to look out for him. 

She also gets that he’s pissed that everyone, every single person around them in every team he’s been in, wants to use him and abuse him for as long and as well as they can, but to blame her for doing the same?!

It’s a new low, even for him (and that’s already saying a lot). His childish anger at her stopping him from playing against Rakuzan is turning him into something she hates even more. 

She lashes out violently, hurt beyond words that he would insinuate something like that. She has given up so many things already, all for his sake, only to have him act like a damn ingrate about it.

"Well, if it's such a pain, why don't you just leave then?! Go to Tetsu, transfer to Seirin! I know you wish you did that to begin with! So just go ahead and do it now! If you need a cue or you need me to say something so you feel free, THIS IS IT! Go, Satsuki! You're free!"

"Shut the fuck up, you moron!" she yells right back at him, tears now streaming down her sides from the raw emotion clawing at her being. "I DID want to go to Seirin with Tetsu-kun, I did want to break free from this chain of unhappiness but it's too late already!"

"How is it too late? You're still alive and have free will, don't you?! So act on it and go do what you fucking want! No one is making you stay. Get lost! I don't want to see your ugly face around here anymore!"

"Well it's just too bad for you then, because I am not planning on going anywhere! I'm here to stay, whether you like it or not! Deal with it!!"

Daiki squashes violently the tiny swelling of pure joy in his chest at her words. The choice she makes even when he is provoking her in the most unbecoming way possible.

Even when he outright pushes her away, she still chooses him. 

Not Tetsu. Not anyone else. Him.

The feeling is resilient so he needs more time to stomp it out mentally than he thinks he would need.

And he has to stomp it out, otherwise his next words will never make it out of his mouth. And he isn’t letting her have the last word in this fight.

"Why?! You don't want to be here, do you? You're miserable, aren't you? Are you stupid or something? What could possibly keep you coming to keep getting hurt?! Get the fuck out of here!"

"Yes, I'm stupid! You're a moron but I'm even dumber than you are, for continuing to do this to myself! What an absolute idiot, right?!"

"Why?!" he roars back, confused and angrier than he's ever been in his life. "Why do it then? Give me one good reason why!"

"Because I love you, you fucking dumbass!"

Suddenly, he feels like he’s been speeding at a hundred miles per hour only to jump hard on the brakes and be abruptly brought to an instant halt. 

The dumbfounded “What?” dies on his lips before he can verbalize it.

The feeling from hearing her say it, from the way she says it, is like she's slapped him across the face.

It's a confession, heartfelt and earnest, despite the heatedness of their argument. 

Yet why does it feel like no blessing?

"I'm in love with you and I can't help needing to keep coming back. No matter that you keep hurting me again and again every time! It's too late already because I'm already so far gone that my own self-preservation doesn't matter. All I can think of is: how is he taking this? How can I help him? Will this make it any easier for him? Will this ease any of the burden he keeps piling up on himself? How is he feeling today? Will this make his day any better?"

"You don't need to do that!" Daiki protests vehemently, making her stomp her foot hard in response.

"I know I don't! I know it in my head, but here I am, doing it anyway! God knows you don't need to get a bigger head than you already have, and that your spoilt ass doesn't need any further spoiling, but here I am!! Doing it anyway! Caring still! No matter that you never care back at all!"

Daiki opens his mouth to rebut her but she gives him no room to say his piece, ploughing on without pause.

"I love you like it's some kind of curse, a shackle on my legs, binding me and keeping me here with you, rotting together with you in your self-made little hell! You will never say anything to keep me here but these damn feelings make fucking sure I continue hanging around your dumb self! It's a damn Stockholm syndrome I can't seem to get away from, no matter how I try!"

All of his words that he wants to fling at her die on his lips upon this last part of her tirade. 

The worst part is that she is still not done, and her words are a mad shout while the tears keep running down her face unchecked. It doesn’t even occur to Daiki that this has been the most he’s ever heard her curse in all their lives. Or that it’s clearly indicative of just how this matter has been eating at her.

"I love you more than I ever should, but I hate you so much more than that! I hate you, I hate you, I hate your fucking guts, Daiki!" 

She stomps her foot repeatedly on the floor in a desperate attempt to vent some of the stifling frustration. The tears splash down onto her hoodie and the ground, and become wet blotches.

"I hate you so fucking much that it kills me inside! I hate you more than you can imagine because the Dai-chan I fell in love with is nowhere to be found! You killed him, and gave me this twisted, fake, ugly version of him that I didn't want! He's nothing like the Dai-chan I fell in love with but I can still see him kind of there, lingering in a familiar touch, or hiding behind a familiar phrase and how fucking dare you?! How dare you kill the person I care for most and give me this fucking useless hand-me-down, washed out version of him with none of the spark he had?!" 

She is glaring hard at the floor now. Her hands are balled into fists, her knuckles white. Her arms are strained as cords and shaking violently by her sides.

"You took away my Dai-chan and replaced him with someone I hate. Now all I have left is this crushing love that is only hurting me, and this overwhelming hate for you and all you've become. I hate it, and hate you for doing it to yourself and to me."

She has stopped crying at this point, but it feels more like the calm before the storm.

She lifts her head to look into his eyes with the most intense glare he has ever been the recipient of. Satsuki's magenta eyes are sparking with anger, accusation and disdain.

Although looks cannot in fact kill, a part of Daiki certainly dies when their gazes lock.

"I hate you so much that if I could only live without you, I would kill you myself, with my own hands." 

Her angrily hissed confession makes his stomach turn. Daiki swallows heavily, spellbound as he continues holding her gaze with more courage than he actually has.

"But I can't live without you, so here I am. Touou's basketball club manager, still right next to you even though it hurts and even though I hate your guts. Because no matter how much I hate what you've become, I still believe like some fucking retard that the Dai-chan I fell in love with is still in there. Under the rotten, sarcastic, arrogant bastard you are showing to the world, he's still there and crying out for help and for someone to save him from you."

She swallows down heavily then, fixing him with a stern look that still has the previous vehemence but the murderous glint is gone. 

"I don't know that for a fact but I believe it in my heart. I believe it with all my soul. And as long as I do, there is no chance of me deserting Dai-chan alone in the prison you put him behind. I will be right here, so he knows that even if no one else cares, I still do. If no one else will understand, I will. I will be right here for who you have become, too, because although I hate you and given the chance, I might very well kill you, I don't want you to self-destruct. I think you're amazing and brilliant and truly the best and I wish this would bring you happiness instead of all the bitterness you exude with every fucking breath you take."

She's crying again, yet her gaze has softened.

"I think you're amazing and it hurts that no one understands you but they all want to use you until they no longer need you. So, contrary to them, I will be here the entire time. Without needing anything from you but your presence. I will be next to you, so no matter how lonely you feel at the top, you will never actually be alone. No one deserves that, least of all you."

There is an alluring pull in her heartbroken expression, tears falling silently down her sides as she peers into his face. His hand raises to touch her wet cheek gingerly but when she feels the caress, she slaps his hand away indignantly.

Surprise, confusion and hurt flit through his face in rapid succession at her reaction.

"Don't touch me!" she spits out venomously, her glare heated as she aims it at him. "Don't start pretending like you care just because of the things I said! Because I know you, I know you better than anyone, and I know you don't fucking give a shit about any of this so—"

Her tirade gets cut off when he pulls her into his embrace while she struggles against it with all her might. They wrestle with each other for half a minute during which he tries to take her in his hold and she fights him stubbornly, refusing to stay still so he can properly hug her against him.

He growls in aggravation when she continues resisting. Her strength is something easily overcome for someone of Daiki's build and power. But the fact he's trying to hug her and she's trying to thwart him in it makes even her meagre strength a force to be reckoned with.

To try to make her settle down, he grabs her with both hands by the sides of her face and presses his mouth upon hers. 

As far as kisses go, this is definitely not the best one because they're both too angrily huffing and pissed with each other for it to be anything other than a mashing of lips on lips.

It seems to backfire on Daiki because although he's overtaken by the mind-numbing realization of how soft and wonderful her lips feel against his, she doesn't share the sentiment. She yanks her head out of his hold in the next second and slaps him as hard as she can across the face.

She must’ve plucked up all of her strength and loaded the hit with all of her emotion as well because his head turns from the force of it.

"Didn't you hear what I just said?!" She screeches so loudly that he whimpers from her volume, and the sting in his assaulted cheek. "I told you not to touch me! What makes you think you can just kiss me like that!? You cannot, you may not!"

He rubs his cheek, miffed, before he turns to throw her accusatory look.

"You were the one saying "I love you, I love you" just a minute ago!" he barks back.

"I also said that I hate you and your stupid mug. Did you already conveniently forget that or your head is so big you never even heard that part?!"

Daiki snarls then and forgoes the care with which he always, even unconsciously, handles Satsuki with. He forgoes it and makes a sudden grab for her. He holds her by her lower hip and the side of her face with two strong arms, unimpressed with her attempts to free herself from his hold.

She opens her mouth to scream at him again when she fails to shrug him off despite her best attempts. He’s having none of that though, so he covers her mouth firmly with his own to keep her quiet.

Her vocal protests are muffled by his lips and he pushes her bodily back until her back hits the wall. Her flailing hands are caught before they can make contact with his face or torso. Her resistance is futile because this time he doesn't plan to let her go or do as she sees fit. 

(She’s said her piece—more than just her two cents in, really—and now it’s his turn.)

His left hand holds both of hers over her head against the wall, while his right holds her chin tight through his bruising kiss. Once she stops violently struggling against him and settles down into smouldering but quiet fury, he relents and pulls away from her.

He doesn't move too far back though, his intense cobalt eyes fixing hers from an intimately close distance. The proximity makes him aware of the teasing way her ample bosom is rising and falling rapidly with her ragged breathing. Her cheeks are flushed—with anger or something else, he ponders—and she is glaring evilly at him from her captive position in his hold.

Daiki throws her an equally unrelenting look full of challenge.

"I heard you well, every single word." He traces the line of her jaw with his fingertips. "I also heard you very clearly say that you love me."

His eyes dare her to refute his statement. She glares back at him but keeps her mouth shut. She's still panting.

Daiki swallows hard while looking into her eyes. 

"If you're in love with me, don't you want to hold me and kiss me?"

"No."

Her answer is instant. 

Her tone has an air of finality to it that doesn't allow for any argument. She looks so steadfast when she says so that coupled with the unexpectedness of her answer, Daiki feels flabbergasted.

"No?" he echoes incredulously.

"No," Satsuki repeats with the same iron conviction. "I don't want you touching me, or holding me, or kissing me, or anything of the sort."

"Why not?" He demands then, unyielding from holding her wrists up by his much stronger hand.

"I just don't!"

His eyes narrow at her reasoning. 

"Give me a good reason and I'll drop it," he challenges her again, his tone even. 

She considers his request for a minute before her face twists in a stubborn and angry grimace. Although she looks a bit ridiculous with her face flushed from all the emotions she's gone through in rapid succession in the past minutes and her profuse crying, he can't help himself when he thinks she’s adorable in that very moment.

"I don't have one. Just let go! You're hurting me! God knows you've already done way too much of that to be hurting me physically too!"

The way she lashes out—with words of painful truth aimed at him like daggers—makes him flinch and he almost pulls back. He almost complies with her command to unhand her but reconsiders in the last moment. 

He resolves to let her go if she answers his questions first.

"You don't have what? A good reason or any reason?"

"Stop arguing and just let me go, you brute!" she yells at him but it's not as loud as earlier. 

He's pressing her harder against the wall, sandwiching her between himself and the hard surface behind. It makes her unable to fill her lungs with enough air to scream at him as effectively as she previously has.

"Answer my question," he whispers against her mouth while pinching her chin securely between his thumb and index finger. Her eyes flash with an emotion he doesn't recognize but it's gone before he can deliberate it. "And I will let you go immediately."

He hopes she can see the promise in his eyes that he will do as he says. His only condition is simple enough, he believes. 

After all, she has already spilled her guts and her biggest secret to him, right? What could she possibly have to fear confessing any further?

Her mouth stays clamped shut. She says nothing and just stares at him from up close until her breathing calms. He waits for her and demonstrates patience she thinks him incapable of through it all. 

"Well?" He prompts at the end of the third minute of tense silence between them.

"I have nothing further to say to you," she informs him coolly. 

There’s a mask of indifference already plastered on her features.

Daiki growls in annoyance, refusing to be brushed off.

Refusing to be treated like this doesn't matter after the heavy shit she's unloaded on him earlier.

He ain't buying it and if she refuses to be civil about it, he will be as crudely provoking as needed to get the result he wants. To get the answer he wants.

Because it’s fucking important, damn it!

So instead of trying to pry it out of her with his words (which he's rather inept with to begin with), he prefers to do it with his actions. He's always been better at acting upon things than talking it out, and an emotionally charged situation like this makes it even more painfully evident.

He kisses her again, pushing into her personal space with no preamble. This time he has the chance to recognize how sweet she smells as well, not just how nice her mouth feels against his. 

She starts struggling against him, trying to break out of his kiss but with her hands captive and her chin in his unbudging hold, she has no prayer of being able to break free.

She realizes this quickly and starts trying to protest vocally but he swallows the sound with his mouth opening against hers. 

When he pulls away to look into her eyes, she's glaring heatedly at him, her lips wet and swollen from his forceful kisses.

He runs his tongue over his top lip to moisten it too while his gaze fixates on her.

"So you hate this?"

"I hate it! Knock it off!! It's not funny!"

He isn't laughing. This isn't some game to him either, although she doesn't seem to understand that.

"So you hate it…" he echoes, voice subdued.

"Yes!" she wails back at him, thrashing in his hold.

"The same way you hate me?"

"Yes!!"

She gasps after her admission even before she registers the meaningful look Daiki throws her way. She has belatedly realized just what she has affirmed and the implications behind it.

“So in other words, you both hate it and you love it, yeah?”

“No!” She is quick to refuse his statement.

Too quick.

Panicked?

Daiki smirks sadistically down at her. He’s grabbed the pulse of the heart of this matter, he believes.

“Satsuki, you really need to speak up so I can understand, okay?” He looms in her line of vision despite her adamant attempts to turn her head away from him. She can’t go through with it because his fingers are still holding her chin. “You have to give me a good reason why you hate me kissing you, especially if it’s true that you’re in love with me.”

The way he questions the truthfulness of her earlier confession is his attempt to get a rise out of her. He succeeds partially, judging from the way she throws a venomous glare his way, but her lips are still sealed shut.

He scoffs and leans in closer. 

His breath fans against her cheek and he derives a sick pleasure from seeing her squirm.

“Answer the question, or I’ll keep kissing you until you do,” he half-threatens, half-states because he’s fully planning on doing exactly that if she continues being stubborn.

Because if she thinks she can be more pig-headed than he is, she’s wrong. He’s ready and willing to show her just how wrong she is if she keeps pushing it.

And it works, because this time she whimpers and struggles even harder to turn her face away from him. He doesn’t let her but she shifts her gaze away to the furthest wall. 

“Don’t kiss me anymore. Don’t make this more complicated and painful for me than it already is.” She misses his confused look at her quiet admission because she’s still avoiding him to the best of her ability. “I already wake up every morning and go to bed every night thinking about you and the stupid shit you say and do. Don’t make my life more of a living hell by complicating my feelings further…”

She sounds so forlorn and broken that he can’t keep pressuring her anymore. His hand lets go of her wrists and they slowly fall at her sides. His other hand’s fingers release her jaw and he rests his weight against the palm he leans on the wall next to her head. She is now looking away from him in earnest, refusing to meet his eyes as she continues.

“I don’t want to know what it feels like to kiss you. I don’t want to be wondering if you mean it or if you don’t. I don’t want to be haunted with doubts whether I’m right or I’m not. I don’t want any of it, so please… just stop and leave me alone…”

Her sorrowful tone makes his heart clench in his chest but he shoves the feeling roughly away. It’s important that he communicates this somehow, or he will regret it for the rest of his life.

Especially since he’s already torn so many painful confessions from her today.

There’s a twinge of regret in the corner of his consciousness—amplified by the way she seems to try to fold in on herself before his very eyes. He soothes it by caressing the crown of her head like he’s petting something fragile and infinitely precious. He caresses her tenderly, willing some of the discomfort and pain away from her being, if he can, by the simple action alone.

“Satsuki,” he starts quietly, his tone calm and kind. “It’s true that you do know me very well—there are many days when I’m sure you probably know me better than I know myself. And in many ways, that could be true. But there are still some things about me that you don’t know and because you don’t, you misunderstand.”

The way she skittishly starts to lift her magenta gaze to lock with his is heart wrenching to watch but he leaves her to do as she pleases while still petting her head adoringly.

“I don’t blame you. If I were you, I’d probably misunderstand, too, because my timing was terrible and I act before I think as always. But I really don’t want you thinking that I’m kissing you just to shut you up or something dumb like that. Because that’s just my excuse and not my reason why.”

Her eyes are widening and her breathing has hitched in her throat already. Her lips are parting—in surprise or horror, it’s hard to tell—and he cannot continue to study her reaction any further. His heart is racing in his chest. 

He’s nervous and his body is reacting to the feeling more violently because of their earlier verbal standoff. It feels like his blood vessels will burst from the sheer volume and strength with which his heart is pumping.

“This isn’t a joke nor a game to me either. It’s insulting that—knowing me as well as you do—you would think so.” He takes a deep breath because suddenly the air has vacated his lungs and he feels like he’s drowning in white noise. “These important things about me you don’t know—I’ll tell you the most important of them right now: I would never kiss you to prank you or just to win a stupid argument.” 

He admires her courage in being able to say it to his face but he doesn’t have it himself. 

So Daiki leans forward until his lips are aligned with her ear, and his face is twisted out of her sight.

“Because I like you, too. I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time.”

He whispers it like it’s a secret and condemns Satsuki with a heavy heart.

It is his most well-kept secret because she’s been convinced that he doesn’t care, that she’s wrong, he’s just an arrogant, unfeeling asshole and her Dai-chan is gone forever. Her unrequited pining is pointless, but will eventually—maybe, with time—fall into the background of her inner world and she will be able to finally, finally, move on to something, someone, else. 

Less painful, less complicated, less dramatic.

Satsuki knows breaking free from the shackles that are her feelings for him is but a pipe dream now, with his last little confession to her.

There’s no way in any world she will be able to move on to anything—or anybody—else, knowing her feelings are not one-sided.

Knowing that he does things with intention. Knowing that he does care and is just… terrible at showing it. 

Daiki’s intermittent warm breath at her earlobe draws her attention to the present time and moment from her reverie. She swallows heavily, her gaze rising to the ceiling of his room. She kicks herself mentally, over and over, for relishing the feeling of having him so close and the knowledge that he’s in love with her, too.

Oh, God, no… she thinks to herself and the tears well in her eyes anew. Love is supposed to be something that makes you happy, brings you joy, but she’s never had any joy in her love. 

It’s always been her silly secret, a temporary crush. Then it became a complicated matter, not to breathe a word of to anybody. Then it evolved into something painful, until it turned just outright excruciating. It has been a downward spiral and her heart is so heavy, realizing that it’s only going to continue further from there on.

And it will likely only get worse, a downhill steep slope. 

Because she can’t be the one to save him. She can’t be the one to heal him. He’s the one damaging himself but he needs someone from outside to help him out. It kills her that this person cannot be her, even though she’s right there, always there for him, always. 

Her tears start running down her sides. When his thumb brushes them away from her cheeks with the most gentle touch she’s ever received from him, a violent sob tears from her throat.

“I really, really hate you, Daiki,” she tells him through her clenched teeth. 

He pulls away from her to give her a slanted smile that gives his gaze a kind glint.

She doesn’t use the childhood nickname she has for him anymore—at first by trying to distance herself from him in school by calling him “Aomine-kun” anywhere their classmates can hear her, but calling him Dai-chan in private. 

Ever since he starts changing for the worse, she stops calling him that even if it’s just the two of them. 

She uses no address to turn to him—other than derogatives like “idiot”, “dumbass” or “moron” but those don’t count. If she has something to say to him, she just establishes visual contact with him first then says what she wants, if they’re in private. Maybe she thinks he doesn’t notice and he’s dense—and he is, generally speaking. But when it comes to her and the way she treats him, Daiki notices things. 

And it just hurts, to lose something that has been a given for him, so suddenly and so completely, with no ado and no warning.

He’s no longer Dai-chan, he’s not Daiki, he’s no longer anything to her and it hurts. 

So at least when they are among others, he takes the “Aomine-kun” in stride because at least, at least then, she acknowledges his existence and turns to him by name.

For the past two years, he has almost never, ever been “Daiki” to her. She called him that earlier in the height of their fight and he didn’t have the chance to appreciate it but he does notice it. Like he notices every single little thing about her.

Hearing his name from her—despite the venomous claim it’s accompanied by—sends a shiver down his spine that he rather relishes.

The next kiss he initiates is a loud echo of his secret he’s shared with her, because it’s so much sweeter than any of the previous ones they exchanged throughout their mulishly stubborn argument. 

It’s a repeat of the “I love you, Satsuki” that he’s too himself to vocalize more than once in his life. She hears it, loud and clear, in the gentle press of his lips against hers, in the tender touch of his tongue on hers.

It rends her heart asunder because she’s already in the palm of his hand, even without him saying or doing anything. Now she will never be able to escape him, but worse still - she will never even try anymore.

Whether that’s a good or bad thing, Satsuki still doesn’t know. 

What she does know is that she is a heavy heart to carry and her beloved will be weighed down by it—although, admittedly, he has only himself to thank for that. 

He’s condemned them both to suffering and licking at each other’s wounds for the time being, but it’s a sweet kind of torture that she is willing to submit herself to despite her sanity being in jeopardy over it.

That’s perfectly fine for him, though.

She will learn in due time that even outside of the court, Daiki is strong enough to stand, with both his heart and hers in hand. 

He will patiently, diligently, teach her that when he holds her in his arms, he will never let her down and her heavy feet will never touch the ground.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: Did you find all the lyrics references I sprinkled throughout the story for all the parts of the song that inspired this piece?( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I struggled for quite a while with setting up the whole thing in the beginning BEFORE the start of their argument, and also finishing the damn thing. I struggled and struggled and then turned to the actual song on the next day again and, what would you know, I’m actually kinda proud of this now.

Gonna cross-post this everywhere so you can FEEL ME BEING BACK.

This has been yours truly, showing you how she believes song fics should best be done. Hope you enjoyed.

100 Situations, Table One; 032: Torn.

9th October, 2020.

[luminess-brightcoil]

No Matter What You Do

All instruments recording the ongoing spread of the scourge pandemic indicated a rapid increase in risk of safety, up to and including the roaming dead in the very streets of Stormwind. What was once recommended to simply be a matter of staying off the streets and increasing security measures has changed with similar rapidity, up to and including the recommendation of immediate evacuation for all citizens of Stormwind, leaving only the Stormwind Patrol, the Argent Crusade, the Ebon Blade, and any of Azeroth’s Champions that were so moved to contribute to containing the absolute carnage at hand.

As the topic was broached for what this means for the great underground metropolis of Mechagon, Luminess Brightcoil balked at the data, though she Observed it in totality and took it upon her processing parameters to integrate this new data into her daily routine. To say the outlook was grim would be an understatement. To say that she was growing exhausted of grim outlooks would be even more of one.

Even a Beacon is prone to bouts of personal dismay. It was quickly becoming one Titans-damned thing after another for her. Starting and ending a revolution. Joining and ending the Fourth of Four Wars. Defeating the encroachment of the Old Gods. The Return of the San’layn. And now, this: Death itself, and whatever forces direct it upon Azeroth. And all of this within a single year. 

On days like these, a Beacon would wonder why she ever left the island in the first place... 

Luminess sat amongst her peers in the Think Tank that was assembled for the purpose of analyzing and developing an expedient solution to the matter of the scourge invasion with the Gnomish population at its focus. The scent of recirculated air through coppered ducts intertwined with the effervescent presence of warm, freshly applied toner as gnome and mechagnome alike scanned through document after document. Every finer point addressed, every corollary counter-examined, every contingency remodeled and re-assessed… And yet it was the general consensus of those present that not much headway was made just yet. 

Except for Walton Cogfrenzy, Chief Architect of Mechagon, who maintained that he had a very simple and direct plan of response, that in any other context would have been seen as antithetical to their current societal trajectory, and now perhaps its only chance for survival: 

Complete Lockdown.

“We will establish a temporary teleportation network between here and Tinker Town,” Walton explained. “Citizens of Gnomeregan can be funneled into our now half-vacant halls along with all our Gnomadic kin. Following that, remaining available space and resource accommodation can be afforded to our Dwarven cousins, though it is projected very few would be willing to retreat from their own beloved city. Still, we must press them to do so, and once we have evacuated all that we may hold and accommodate safely, access to the network will be severed from all entry points.”

The King shifted his weight from one side of his seat to the other. By far, the once High Tinker but now King Gelbin Mekkatorque would be the least Kingly King you could meet. He was conscientious to others. He yielded space and listened more than spoke. He sought counsel for all decisions, tall or small. Betraying the good will of his people was unthinkable, just as he would strive against working against their humbler wishes. And more often than not, you had to remind him of his now-regal station. A station, it is said, he has been working to reform away from the obsolete protocol known as the 'Divine Right of Kings.' Perhaps such topics could be addressed more directly when things were Quieter. But in either regard… Luminess, for one, was grateful to have someone so unlike the Mad Tyrant that, for now, she was willing to give the whole Monarchy thing one more chance.

“It will be difficult to convince the Gnomereganians to take refuge,” sighed King Mekkatorque wearily. “Many believe they’re perfectly safe within the walls of Ironforge, despite the surrounding snowy climate being far more tactically advantageous for the Scourge than even the tranquil forests of Elwynn or the unimpeding flats of Durotar. And even so, their pride is at stake to some extent. They won’t take easily to being confined to another underground kingdom, even if it is ostensibly theirs. Over time, we of Gnomeregan have become more and more like our Gnomadic cousins than not as the impossibly high toll taken by Thermaplugg continues to plague our once-hallowed halls, figuratively AND literally.”

“And so I would hope they would be difficult to convince, your highness.” Intamin Diveroll, renowned prosthetist and out-speaker, swiveled his chair towards Mekkatorque just slightly as he respectfully interjected, but kept his gaze upon the Chief Architect. “Your plan puts our now-combined kingdom at risk of recreating the exact same scenarios for destruction that had befallen either of them. Suppose we are all holed up here and one of our vaunted city’s life preservation systems should fail, or worse: sabotaged by ne’er-do-wells known or unknown. Suppose the invasion never ends, and to quell a dissatisfied populace, a new Mad Tyrant emerges to place them back into order under the guise of Public Safety. And should neither fate befall us, and we merely survive through the ordeal to a ruined Azeroth or… continued indefinite life underground, even in prosperity… that would make cowards of us all.”

“It is not… Cowardice to prioritize survival! It is the only acceptable option,” pressed Cogfrenzy with just as much proud conviction on display as he hid his secret guilts. His servos whined under his weight as he leaned forward against the conference table with the coiled-bulb lamps glowing above his exhausted, perspiring brow. “And the only safe one. Our Kingdom is the most secure against external threats of any on Azeroth. Our doors open and close only to us, and our walls are impenetrable against all alien threats. Anyone who enters without the aid of our own kind is instantaneously vaporized by our unparalleled city defenses. For five hundred years, a full-length default gnomish lifetime... our security was so assured that the rest of the planet knew not even of our existence. We were effectively anonymous. Fel, we even have the capability of sealing off all access to the Azeroth’s vast network of Arcane Leylines, guaranteeing that not a single soul enters or leaves through the mightiest of mage portals!”

As the King ran his fingers through his whiskers, Luminess’s face belied only a hint of bemusement as her gaze slide sideways to one of her closest companions to examine his face for a reaction to that last sentence. Indy would offer none. But she knew. They both knew.

“My King,” Indy gently prodded, turning his trademark winning smile towards his liege. “The Rustbolt Revolution demonstrated to us that the answer to our prosperity lies not here exclusively in Mechagon. It lies in Greater Azeroth. And to that end it is not only such that we should not run away, but we should fight to defend it alongside everyone else.”

King Mekkatorque smiled at Indy gently, reassuringly. “On that, we are in total agreement, Good Doctor. We are no longer two kingdoms of Gnomes. We are one, and beyond that, we belong to the mighty Alliance as well. And defending our world from imminent threats within and without is the Alliance’s primary function, after all.”

The Beacon stirred in her seat, squeaking it at the hinge as she leaned forward onto her elbows, fingers tented before her face. She refused to comment on the political trajectory of the Gnomish populace, for now. Instead, she turned to another of her companions that she insisted be included on this Think Tank for the sake of the wealth of information he contains as a single entity. “Cornelius,” she addressed him from across the table.

“Hello, User!” came the chipper response from Mister Tribulatus, self-aware as ever, and the Beacon remained quite proud of him for achieving that.

“Known methods of Scourge Incursion, please, listed."

“Query accepted! Running diagnostics…”

The room fell silent, save the soft stirring of seats in anticipation, and the soft ting-ting of a spoon inside a cup of coffee, one of a great many that were filled and spilled on this auspicious day. 

“Results compiled. Scourge are known to make entry into populated areas through the following means, alphabetically: Aerial Delivery. Burrowing. Contagion. Localized Necromancy.”

All eyes in the room, save Cornelius’, slowly drifted over to a mechagnome seated at the end of the table, brow bedecked with ostentatious horn modifications. His focus was trained on an asymmetrical paper football formed out of one of the documents on the table, and his attempts to ‘kick’ it through a ‘goal post’ made from used coffee creamer cups and stirring rods. His clamps fail to provide the manual dexterity needed to perform the maneuver, but after eighty-seven attempts so far, the man was not about to back down now. However, he felt the familiar sensation of an entire room of his alleged peers judging him all at once, and so he looked up.

“... What?! Titans Testes, I’m not a Necromancer, I resurrect myself with CLONES,” protested one Doctor Theodorp Wimblewomble the Sixth. Or was it Seventh, now? The people of Mechagon had only his word for the answer. 

“The Fel practices are adjacent to Necromancy are they not?” the Beacon inquired, with earnest sincerity. “Perhaps in this way you can offer us insight?” 

“You’re asking an electrician to fix your toilet,” chided Theodorp as he unceremoniously failed his eighty-eighth attempt to score a field goal. “Fortunately for you I am learned of a multitude of means of delivering Doom.” 

The King rubbed his eyes with a gloved hand before flipping open the box of donuts on the table, deciding which of the remaining flavors might quell the madness he felt in this moment for including a pseudo war criminal on this Think Tank. Take him away, Blueberry Glazed.

“For certain, this Kingdom is advantageously impervious to outside threats, as the Chief Architect asserts. Titans know I’ve tried and nearly succeeded countless times to perviate it myself. Yes, that is a real word.”

All of the eyes that were cast upon Theodorp quickly volleyed to Cornelius. Instinctively, he clicked and whirred in place before speaking: “Perviate. Transitive Verb. To enter, bore into, or run through. Would you like me to search for more information regarding Perviation?"

Professor Theodorp Wimblewomble the Sixth silently threw his clamps into the air, victorious over all who dared to doubt him, once again. As the gnomes around him (save Cornelius) collectively stifled their groans, he permitted them immediate reprieve of a well-deserved gloating, and continued...

“As my criminal record shows, I’ve only had so much luck attempting to bring various forms of Fel into our kingdom. The Titan-Energy Interference from the Engine that we’ve made our home into is a natural repellent to both the Fel and Necromantic efforts from exterior sources. Our Previous King spared no effort or expense at seeing such impure practices all but eradicated or imprisoned.”

He takes a moment to feel very smug about being the only practitioner of either who isn’t currently technically imprisoned before continuing: “Ultimately, our greatest concern, second only to simply allowing the plague to enter our halls through contamination of persons or produce… would be someone like me infiltrating Mechagon and finding a way to succeed. For the Fel, we have no particular need of concern as ever. But in the case of Necromancy, they would not need to open a portal, they would simply need to locally source some corpses right here. Which could be remarkably easy, considering the whole proposition to keep the walls closed and sealed that no one could possibly enter or leave.”

The Think Tank of gnomes, already silent, somehow fell even more deathly quiet. No one liked that.

“Then it would not be enough to simply close the doors and shutter our windows,” the Beacon spoke wielding a voice laden equally with certainty as hesitance. “It would require a near-constant monitor of every individual’s vital signs, and restricted movement for all throughout the densely populated areas. We would effectively not be merely bunkering in for our physical safety, but we would need to place the population under a functional quarantine for the first few weeks simply to ensure there is no undetected viral agent is able to spread. We would require anyone taking refuge here to comply with these regulations, or…”

She gulped as she choked on her words in this moment. Indy peered at her searchingly. Cornelius smiled at the wall. Theodorp was on the edge of his seat, waiting for her to finish her thought. King Gelbin Mekkatorque simply listened, chin upon thumb, cheek against finger, elbow against armrest. 

“... Or be placed under secure, supervised quarantine. Just for the duration. And ethically, of course. This is for… public safety.”

Theodorp clinked his clamps excitedly under the table with a wide, toothy grin while Luminess attempted to meet Intamin’s gaze. But when her optics searched for his, he had already turned away. She sank in her seat just slightly as her lips tightened and her face drooped just a bit. 

The King nodded slowly as his own eyes searched in the far distance, into the invisible thinkspace we all have for flaw in this reasoning. And whether he found zero flaws to be had, or he simply accepted the known flaws as they were, it was not made clear in his exhausted sigh that set his moustache billowing in the wind blown forth from his lips.

“You speak the Truth as ever, Beacon,” decreed the King. “If we are going to do this then it would be folly to employ any half-measures. BUT... we will make sure that all who are so quarantined for the duration will have the inconvenience of their sacrificed time compensated, their needs of survival and personal comfort fully provided for. They are our people, our family and friends, and we will make their stay at home a veritable paradise until the situation is under control. To do any less would call into question the foundations and integrity of our very society’s principles in a manner we simply do not have time for right now, or possibly ever. Have we reached consensus?”

The assembled members of the Think Tank all offered their agreement in unison in low grunts of affirmation and/or raised hands. Even Intamin, after a moment. Luminess quietly sighed in relief, allowing her jaw to finally un-clench itself.

“Then the matter is settled upon. Beacon Brightcoil, I am counting on you to ensure that the quarantine efforts are carried out in a safe and ethical manner the people will find agreeable. Spare no expense. The rest of us will reconvene after a one hour biological break to discuss our efforts abroad aiding the campaign in Icecrown and the Eastern Kingdoms. Titans Observe that it will be Gnomish Ingenuity and Determination that brings a swift resolution to this crisis!”

The King’s counsel and subjects before him all responded with an assured nod and an equally assured utterance of “Titans Observe,” even Doctor Theodorp Wimblewomble the Sixth or Seventh.

With that, King Gelbin Mekkatorque bowed his head with a soft chuckle and made haste towards the door, eager to get out of being in a meeting for however long he can manage it today. Luminess, making similar speed, exited behind him as the others shuffled their belongings in order. 

Intamin gave chase.

“Beacon? Oh, Beacon?” cried the man playfully behind his companion, who laughed as she slowed her pace to allow them to walk on parallel paths. “I was simply wondering which personal liberties I would still be afforded while imprisoned in my own private paradise prison.”

Luminess rolled her eyes and nudged him with her elbow, shaking her head as she chuckled softly. “Really, Indy, the situation is dire enough without you nagging at my personal principles over my duties as a Beacon.”

The prosthetist cackled quietly beside her, grinning all too wide as he satisfied himself with her acknowledgement of such a Truth. “I am teasing, of course, my dear… Nothing about this is easy, and though it burns at my very soul to admit it… this is a necessary action to take. So long as it remains a stopgap, and not a solution. And Titans Observe that I may rest easy knowing you are at the lead of such a project.” 

“Titans may Observe it so… but they shan’t,” Luminess responded softly.

Intamin jogged in front of her to impede her movement, narrowing his ocular sensors to thin lines as he looked over her features for any sign that she might be joking. She was not.

“... You will not be staying? But you said--”

“I know that I spoke in favor of quarantine and I stand by that. It is what is right for our people, both of them, all of them… But it is not my place. For certain, This Unit could perform the task and do it well, but I am by no means the only one capable of doing so."

Intamin looked her over curiously. "Did not the King ask you to do it yourself?"

Luminess allowed a sly smirk. "He merely asked me to ensure it will be done. I will reach out Wenzli Cogsalvage to manage this in my stead. She is the finest community organizer I have seen since the end of the Revolution. And though I am beloved by many, as a Beacon I am still mistrusted by the same amount or more for our ties to the Mad Tyrant’s Orthodoxy and the work that remains in our reform thereof… By contrast, she is of the people in a way I can never truly be ever again, and will therefore be more efficient in inspiring trust in this time. In addition, since it is Wenzli... I will have the added bonus of most people simply mistaking her for being me anyway, as normal."

The prosthetist clicked his teeth. She certainly had a point, if not several, but he was not letting her off the hook so easily. "And so if your place is not here, Miss Brightcoil… Then where is it?" 

A brief question inspires an eternity in a split second of consideration. Where, indeed? Was her place in Stormwind, with the Embassy as an Ambassador? Was her place with Prince Erazmin and the Rustbolt Resistance, now expanding their field of operation to fight back against the emergent Scourge threat? Was it with the other medical professionals of the Azeroth Medical Association, searching for a long term solution against the contagion and the short term efforts of caring for those currently afflicted? Was it with her mercenary allies in the Dragon Corps or the Fence Macabre, beating back the hordes with them and other Champions? Was it by the side of those she held dear, one small clutch of beloved friends or another? 

Luminess smirked just for a moment before lifting her gaze to Intamin. Her eyes flickered Gold with the Light before she answered him with a warm tone.

“Uncertain. But what you said earlier rings true again: Wherever my place might be… it is quite clear that the answer is not here, in Mechagon. It is out there… in Azeroth.”

Intamin couldn’t help but allow a smugly satisfied grin plaster his face, flashing that perfect one-millimeter gap in his front teeth as they bit lightly upon his tongue to stifle a boisterous guffaw that would otherwise spoil what could be looked back upon as a tender moment.

“Titans Observe,” he said simply, and embraced his friend tightly with both arms, squeezing as hard as he can, as he always did, knowing that once again, this could be the final opportunity to do so. “But I shall not allow you to continue your adventures abroad unaided. Your previously requested modifications are complete and awaiting installation back at my workshop over a splendid Torcolato I’ve been saving for just such an occasion.” 

“Mister Diveroll, there is absolutely nothing that I would enjoy more at this precise moment,” said Luminess, as she sniffled once and dabbed at the corners of her eyes with the collar of her ceremonial garb after returning the embrace of a beloved friend and confidant. She then grabbed hold of his arm for escort down the winding path from the High Tinkertory, down to into the city which she held so dear, the city which until only still so recently was all she had known.

And as she walked, audibly promising the matter was settled to her companion, she continued to silently deliberate within herself over it all... whether she was making the right or wrong choice, whether there was an optimization to their plans she failed to find, whether or not it was hopeless to even try, endlessly as she would, as she does, and as she has, every single day of her life.

And as such... she prayed to the Titans, as she did, every single day of her life, that they may Observe her following the ideal path.

Tell me what your spirit says Show me what you pray Teach me every single part I'll be your guide You are a prisoner Looking for to be You can change your face But can't change your mind No matter what do you do No matter what do you do No matter what do you do No matter what do you do

[monstersdownthepath]

Deity: Iai-Cophleal, the Scarred Diviner

Lawful Evil Outer God of Destiny, Agony, and Sacrifice

Domains: Evil, Knowledge, Magic, Rune, Void Subdomains: Velstrac, Education, Memory, Rites, Legislation, Dark Tapestry Favored Weapons: Scalpel (dagger) Symbol: An eye with three scars trailing down its surface; or hand with its fingers curled inwards towards an eye in its palm. Sacred Animals: None Sacred Colors: Purple, red

BIG WARNING: This deity deals a lot in the concepts of torture and self-harm. Do not read further if you are sensitive to either topic.

What would you give to know?

What price would you pay to understand?

What sacrifices would you make to achieve enlightenment?

How much are you willing to suffer to get what you want?

The core belief in the faith if the Scarred Diviner is that all progress requires sacrifice, that one can never gain without giving. The alien god holds fast to his belief that pain, fear, loss, and death are the greatest motivators for change and adaptation, and that many of the greatest creations or steps forward in mortal history have been achieved in the throes of deep and piercing agony. It is through this suffering that all have learned, and it is through yet more than he will teach.

He is the guardian of knowledge against the unworthy, those who’d sacrifice nothing, who’ve never known suffering, and those who’d never pay the price themselves. Such creatures will find themselves unwelcome in the Diviner’s flock, unable to hear anything but his barest whispers and scraps of knowing, because while they can torment as many helpless victims as they want in his name, it’s the victims themselves that gain the greatest insights into the truths of the cosmos and receive his greatest blessings. They are the ones paying, after all.

The Scarred Diviner can be called cruel, sadistic, or callous, but he is fair. Knowledge belongs to those who pay for it. And the more you give, the more you get.

The Scarred Diviner is something of an anomaly among Outer Gods, registering and interacting with mortal life on a scale even their comparatively diminutive minds can understand. He does not see them as insects to be exterminated or ignored; indeed, he does not view them as insignificant at all. Perhaps to the greatest among their kind--Yog-Sothoth, Azathoth, and Shub-Nishurath--mortal life is little more than dust, but to the Diviner, their capacity for change under pressure (Outer Gods rarely change or experience pressure) is an absolutely fascinating phenomena, one he has studied ever since there was life to study.

In a universe filled with suffering, going out of your way to inflict yet more upon yourself to gain strength through adversity is a blessed act to the Diviner, an act that must be rewarded. His faith is thus filled with people covered in ritualistic scars and bearing the signs of self-inflicted tortures and dismemberment, who perform excruciating experiments upon themselves and each other in an attempt to commune with and please their lord. The screaming of nerves, burning of muscles, creaking and cracking of bones, and tearing of flesh is sometimes referred to as “his voice” or “his song,” and those who ‘hear’ it long enough begin to receive flashes of divine inspiration and instruction, visions of the future or of steps they must undertake to reach their goals, answers to the questions that plague them or instructions on how to find them, or even the keys to obtaining divine magic.

As one discovers and surpasses the limits to the agonies they can feel, eventually their bodies will simply no longer respond to their self-inflicted tortures, and the Diviner’s song begins to fade from them. Most turn to restorative magic to fix their most grievous injuries and heal dead nerves, but the fact of the matter is that, eventually, they will reach a point where they feel pain, but no longer suffer. While many would consider such a state to be ‘perfect,’ believing that all the weakness has been carved from their bodies, those used to feeling the song coursing through them and those who still need answers may grow desperate to feel again. The former is difficult to satisfy, the supplicants often ending up destroying themselves in the search for more exotic means of self-torment, but the latter is thankfully rectified by the fact that the Diviner cares little who is paying his price, so long as someone is.

Within the faith, members who’ve scoured their bodies to the point of numbness often work through proxies. Initiates who long to hear the voice of the Diviner, practiced members who need to learn more, poor fools stolen from the streets or their beds, it matters not who suffers so long as there is suffering. The Diviner rewards the victim with the answers to questions they ask (or are forced to ask), the torturer-surgeon attending then extracting those answers via whatever means are at their disposal. With others in the faith, it can be as simple as asking. With stolen victims, their nerves unprepared and screaming in time with the song, are typically less likely to simply hand over what they’ve learned through their blessed suffering and may require some coercing. Of course, most will shout everything they’ve gained just to make it all stop. Alas, the intricacies of enlightenment through adversity can be lost on the uninitiated.

Rather understandably, this practice causes pockets of the Diviner’s faithful tend to veer into “sadistic torture cult” territory (and be justifiably viewed as such by polite society). He blesses those who pay his price, but the lazy and weak will often get others to pay the price for them--willingly or otherwise--and then extract the obtained knowledge from their victim without ever suffering a single papercut themselves. They go on their merry way to live a life free of suffering, never changing or facing adversity. He does not hold back when punishing those who would abuse his system; direct action is impossible for him as it is for any divine figure, but those true to his faith will quickly hunt down these “soft ones” and teach them to truly hear his song. In a similar vein, he dislikes those who torture their victims to death so that they cannot use the knowledge they’ve paid for, and will work to punish those who too often prevent the Diviner’s song from concluding properly.

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OBEDIENCE AND BOONS

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Mortals have been suffering ever since the very first birth, all of their collective knowledge driven towards the goal of minimizing and eliminating that very suffering. Abundance and safety are anathema to the Diviner, who believes that safety will lead to stagnation, that a lack of danger or threat of agony will prevent mortals from continuing to adapt. Thus, he and his flock work to assure mortalkind will keep moving forward, quietly sabotaging events on both a short- and long-term scale to prevent or subvert anything that would otherwise birth utopias or civilizations free of worry.

The majority of the Diviner’s faith are masochistic mortals either attracted by the allure of knowledge or looking for a purpose to their penchant for mortification. While individual organized cults may be more restrictive (a dislike of Constructs is especially common), the Diviner himself accepts all kinds into his flock; those of any background or species are accepted, for all beings can suffer in one way or another. His faith is especially popular among trollkind, whose regenerative abilities allow for an endless cycle of self-destruction and who can perform one of the most powerful sacred acts of the faith: gutting ones self to divine the future through one’s own entrails. This action is obviously fatal without the assistance of healing magic or major medical intervention, but the trolls can do so with almost insulting regularity and ease... Which is why the Diviner regularly demands that they escalate even further, branding their bodies and their exposed organs with fire and acid.

Velstrac who dislike the madness of their Demagogues can find curious solace in the teachings of the Diviner, turning away from the practice of endlessly butchering others to graft the most appealing parts onto themselves and instead moving towards... the practice of endlessly butchering others for the sake of teaching them. Velstrac who serve the Diviner sometimes claim to have found some corrupted equivalent to self-sacrificing enlightenment, unable to hear the Diviner for themselves due to the ruination of their bodies but eager to help others listen to his song.

As Outer Gods do not possess a dedicated Prestige Class for accelerating the power of their faithful, one can only enter the actual Evangelist, Sentinel, and Exalted Prestige Classes to obtain Boons at a much faster pace. Otherwise, they are gained at levels 12, 16, and 20. One must have the Deific Obedience feat to enter into the mentioned Prestige Classes, and entering the classes as soon as possible allows one to obtain the Boons at levels 8, 11, and 14. 

Obedience: Ritualistically inflict painful wounds upon yourself or upon another living creature. These wounds are grievous and scarring, reducing the recipient’s HP maximum by 3 for the next 24 hours. The recipient must be able to survive the reduction for this ritual to succeed. Benefit: The recipient of the ritual torture selects two Knowledge skills. They gain a +4 profane bonus to checks with those skills, and are considered trained in those skills for 24 hours.

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Sight And Suffering (Sp): Gain Anticipate Peril 3/day, Augury 2/day, or Inflict Pain 1/day.

Boon 2: Hear His Song (Sp): Through suffering, you shall receive the answers you seek. Once per day, you may inflict a gruesome, lengthy, and agonizing ritual upon yourself or another sapient creature that is willing or helpless. This ritual takes one hour to perform and inflicts 5 points of Constitution damage on the victim if they are a living creature. Undead take 5 points of Charisma damage; being reduced to 0 Charisma destroys them. The creature must be able to survive this affliction for the ritual to succeed. At the conclusion of this ritual, the victim asks the Diviner a single question and receives an answer to it as if they had used the spell Commune. Unlike most beings contacted with Commune, the Diviner is omniscient and is capable of answering any question that can be answered with yes, a no, or a five-word phrase. The damage from this ritual cannot be undone through any means for 24 hours. 

Boon 3: Apostle of Pain (Su): In the twisted, blood-soaked dungeons of the Diviner’s most horrid faithful, creatures of great power await the call of his greatest agents, eager to show off their talents. Once per day as a full-round action, you may call an Advanced Velstrac Interlocutor to your side, which will unquestionably obey your commands. In addition to its normal retinue of spells, this Interlocutor may use both Heal and Harm 1/day. It lingers for 1 minute per HD you possess, after which it politely departs, vanishing back to its home.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: Careful Cuts (Sp): Gain Inflict Minor Wounds 3/day, Cure Moderate Wounds 2/day, or Fractions of Heal and Harm 1/day. 

Boon 2: Touch of a Surgeon (Ex/Sp): Helping your victims back on their feet (provided they still have feet) is an important step in the Diviner’s beliefs, as slaying your victims after every session is likely to anger him if it happens too often. You gain a profane bonus equal to half your HD to all Heal checks, and may treat creatures with Heal in half the normal time (a standard action is reduced to a swift action). You may treat a particular creature’s deadly wounds a number of times equal to their Constitution modifier (min 1) each day. In addition, mistakes happen; thus, you may also cast Breath of Life as a spell-like ability 1/day.

Boon 3: Tapestry of Scars (Ex): Your body bears countless terrible scars and wounds from your self-inflicted injuries, but you are not inconvenienced by them; quite the opposite, in fact. You’ve been cutting weakness and ignorance from your body for ages now, and the Diviner blesses these wounds, granting you a +2 profane bonus to your Armor Class, as well as to your Constitution score and one mental ability score of your choice.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: Cruel Teacher (Sp): Gain Interrogation 3/day, Blood Armor 2/day, or Excruciating Deformation 1/day.

Boon 2: Mercy in Cruelty (Ex): You know exactly where to strike to cause lethal blows... And know even better how to render a victim unconscious through agony alone, so that you may use them further later. You gain +2d6 Sneak Attack damage, stacking with any Sneak Attack damage you may already have. You may use a dagger nonlethally without suffering a penalty, and doing so allows you to use your Sneak Attack nonlethally as well. When using a dagger to deal nonlethal damage, your bonus Sneak Attack damage from this ability is raised to +4d6.

Boon 3: Tortuous Chorus (Sp): The Diviner’s song reaches a terrifying volume within you each time you suffer enough damage, a volume you cannot possibly contain within your own body. Each time you take damage equal to or exceeding 25% of your total HP from a single action (such as an attack or a full attack, a spell or spell-like ability, or an environmental hazard), you may use an immediate action to shriek out in agony, afflicting a number of creatures equal to your Constitution modifier (min 1) of your choice that are within 60ft of you with Power Word Stun. This Power Word Stun is a pain effect, rather than a compulsion and mind-affecting effect. You may use this ability a number of times each day equal to your Constitution modifier (min 1).