#because im home alone with no one to talk to
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Forbidden Feelings
paring: haechan x fem¡reader
synopsis: college student haechan who has a crush on his best friend mark lee’s sister. whom by the way is COMPLETELY off limits to his friends.
genre: smau
8. IM SORRY
Later that evening, you sit at home, waiting. You’re anxious, pacing around and glancing at your phone every few minutes, wondering if this plan is actually going to work. And then there’s a loud knock on your door.
You open it, and there he is—Haechan, breathing hard, a look of worry on his face. “Are you okay?” he asks, eyes scanning you as if to make sure you’re really fine.
You nod, your heart racing. “I’m fine. I… I needed to talk to you.”
He steps inside, closing the door behind him. There’s a long silence, and you can feel the tension in the air. Finally, you gather the courage to speak.
“Haechan, there’s nothing going on with Renjun,” you say softly. “I was only spending time with him because… I didn’t want to think about how I feel about you.”
He stares at you, the anger slowly melting away, replaced by something softer. “You like me?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper.
You nod, feeling a blush rise to your cheeks. “I do. And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I just… I needed you to know.”
Haechan lets out a small, shaky laugh. “I was mad because I thought you liked Renjun. And all this time… I’ve been feeling the same way about you.”
The relief that washes over you is overwhelming. You both laugh, the tension finally breaking, and you feel lighter than you have in days.
“So… what now?” you ask, looking up at him with a hopeful smile.
He smiles back, softer than you’ve ever seen. “How about we take things slow? I don’t want to rush this.”
You agree, feeling like everything finally makes sense. And as he pulls you into a hug, you know this was worth the wait.
You relax into Haechan’s hug, feeling his warmth around you. His arms wrap tighter, like he’s scared to let go, and for a while, neither of you says anything. It’s enough just to stand there, close, knowing everything that’s been unsaid for so long is finally out in the open.
When he pulls back, his eyes meet yours, searching. “I was so mad at you,” he admits softly. “It hurt watching you with him. I thought… I thought I wasn’t good enough, or that maybe you’d moved on.” He frowns, his fingers fidgeting at his side.
You shake your head quickly, reaching out to take his hand. “I tried to move on, but it wasn’t because of you. It was because I thought you’d never see me that way. I thought I’d always just be your best friend’s little sister.” You feel a small, nervous laugh escape your lips. “Turns out I was really, really wrong.”
He lets out a breathy laugh, his grip on your hand tightening. “You have no idea. Every time I saw you, I’d have to act like it didn’t bother me when other guys noticed you. And then Renjun? That hurt the most because he’s such a good guy. Part of me thought, if you were happy with him… I’d have to be okay with it.” He bites his lip, looking almost embarrassed by his confession. “But it drove me crazy.”
You nod, understanding completely. “Renjun… he’s just one of my friends now, I only want you.”
The words hang in the air, and for a moment, it’s as if the room has gotten smaller, quieter. Haechan’s eyes flicker to your lips, but he hesitates, catching himself. “If we’re going to do this, I don’t want to mess it up,” he says, almost to himself. “I want us to take things slow. No pretending, no misunderstandings.”
You nod, feeling a rush of excitement and nervousness all at once. “I want that too. I just want to know I’m not alone in this anymore.”
“You’re not.” He squeezes your hand, his voice full of certainty. “You’re not alone. We’ll figure this out together.”
The two of you sit down on your couch, and he keeps your hand in his, tracing small circles on your palm with his thumb. You start talking about everything, filling each other in on all the small details you’ve missed this week. He listens closely, genuinely interested, laughing when you joke and looking serious when you bring up the moments you felt hurt or ignored.
“Chenle’s plan really got me,” he admits with a smirk. “I thought something happened to you, and I didn’t even think twice—I just ran here.” He pauses, his expression growing softer. “I don’t ever want to go through that again. If something’s wrong, or if you’re feeling anything, just… tell me.”
You nod, a little overwhelmed by how open he’s being with you. “I promise. And you… you should do the same, Haechan. If I make you mad, tell me. Don’t just ignore me.”
“Deal.” He looks at you with a playful glint in his eyes. “But only if you call me Donghyuck sometimes. You’re one of the few people who gets to.”
You laugh, the sound filling the room, and he smiles, watching you with that soft gaze that makes your heart race. “Okay, Donghyuck,” you tease, testing his real name on your tongue.
He grins, clearly pleased, then hesitates. “Can I ask you something?”
You nod, curious.
“What would’ve happened if Chenle’s plan didn’t work? If I’d never come tonight?”
The thought makes you pause, feeling a pang of sadness at the idea. “I don’t know,” you say honestly. “Maybe I’d still be hiding my feelings, watching you from afar. Or maybe I’d just move on, pretending it didn’t hurt.”
“Well, I’m glad it worked,” he says, voice low and serious. “Because I don’t want to keep watching from afar anymore.”
You nod, feeling the same way. There’s a sense of relief and excitement in knowing you’ll go forward together. You stand to ask him a question, “donghyuck would you like to stay the night, it’s a bit late..”
“I’d love to” he answered confidently.
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taglist ; @injunnie-lemon @n0hyuck @beomgyusonlywife @foxy-kitsune @juyeonshour @mixxiew @minkyuncutie @thegracerammy @elsbunny @gomdoleemyson
#nct dream#smau#nct smau#nct dream smau#nct dream x reader#nct dream x reader smau#nct x y/n#lee haechan#haechan#haechan x reader#lee donghyuck x reader#haechan lee#lee donghyuck#lee haechan x reader smau#lee haechan x reader#haechan texts#lee donghyuck smau#lee donghyeok#lee donghyuck x y/n smau#lee donghyuk x reader#donghyeok#lee donghyuck texts#haechan x y/n smau#haechan x fem reader#haechan x reader smau#haechan x y/n#haechan text#haechan fic#haechan fanfic#haechan imagines
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shifting to the 60s
hii I havent posted in a while, I've been trying re group from multiple shifts while getting my life back in order but I think I'm back.. Anyway I have a bunch of stories from so many places I'd like to share and im currently working on how I want to post them. But I don't see a lot of storytimes so I think it would be fun to share some. So i'm gonna rant about some shorter ones here.
shifting with sleep paralysis
I wanted to talk about this shift because it stuck out to me and I can't stop thinking about it.. I had shifted about 2 times in the span of 30 seconds. For a whole week back in October I was waking up at 3-5 am in the morning without being able to go back to sleep. So as you can guess I woke up at around 4 am and was restless. At around 6 am I got tired again so I started my method and I know people say that symptoms don't exist but in the time that I have shifted all I can say is that I disagree.. Anyway, one moment I was saying affimations and then the next I woke up all tingly and in a weird sleep state I've never been in before. I didn't even say to myself I wanted to shift I just did. It was like my mind was on autopilot. Didn't say affimations, didn't go through my script in my head, didn't even try to use the 5 senses. I just started seeing myself in 1st person and what I would be doing in my dr without any forethought and shifted. The first shift, I was on a track running with a couple of men and we all were wearing 60s running wear. I had an orange and red tank top with matching orange shorts. It had felt like there was an orange filter in this reality.. if that makes sense. I was on the track about to run and I just recall looking around laughing.
When I shifted to this moment its like I felt my consciousness leave my body; Which is the weird part because I've never really experinced this before. It felt like I was being pulled up by something and all I could hear was constant noise. I don't even know what noise I was hearing it was like someone was screaming right in my ear or veryyy loud ringing/static. The noise was SO loud. I was in the middle of sprinting when I shifted back because I thought I was the one making the noise, I thought I was screaming..Thankfully it was not me. But When I came back I was still In that state and I could look around me but my eyes were still closed. It's like I was seeing everything from a different perspective. There was a spider crawling on my wall right next to me when I shifted back so I freaked out and the noise got even louder ! The spider was leaving black spots all over my wall,, I could not figure out what was going on in the moment ( when I was writing this in my journal I figured out it was sleep paralysis ) It felt like I was tripping on a bunch of pain killers when I shifted back. I still couldn't move so I shifted again to the same reality but this time I was in the shower... the noise got even louder. The noise made it feel like a bad trip and I ended up shifting back here to try and stop it. It took my like an hour to get out of sleep paralysis. Unlike the method, this reality was very enyjoyable. It felt like a Nina Brodskyaya song, I lived alone and I was successful. I think I worked at a cigarette company, which is ironic because I hate smoking. But I don't know for sure as I didn't stay long enough to find out.
Lumari is a country I scripted, Forlina being one of its nations.
This reality was late 70's early 80's and one of my favorite drs. I stayed here for about a year. I was in Forlina living in an all girls home. Forlina gives free housing to students so I moved out of my parents house to start collage. About six girls are given a room to share together, don't worry they are pretty big. I loved our room. It had big sliding windows that gave a view of the tropical forest. We each had sunken in beds, some girls who were home sick shared beds for a couple of weeks. It took me a while to get use to the amount of noise in the morning. There was this one girl who would blast music on the radio while getting ready. I only had to worry about this sometimes because I woke up pretty early. Art was one of my classes and the professer would make the class times either 7 am or 9 pm which also took me some time to get use to. idk the guy was kind of weird. I rode my bike everywhere here. I miss being able to ride down a bike trail and see the ocean. I've been thinking about shifting back here for some time. I might post more about this reality in more detail later.
<3
#reality shifting#shifting#shiftblr#shifters#shifting blog#shifting community#shifting stories#shifting motivation#desired reality#reality shifter#shifting antis dni#shifting storytime
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I truly just do not understand what it takes to hate a whole group of people for made up reasons. Like my brain cannot comprehend the vitriol and maliciousness that people hold for other people who are *checks notes* not at all that different from you. How do you become a person who can hate an unknown human being simply because they practice a different religion or because they choose to live their own life the way they want? How do you become someone who is so angry and upset and not at all concerned with the goings on of your own life that you can just get up on stage/write a book/sing a song/hold a rally specifically to punch down on people who don't perfectly match with your own ideals and beliefs?
Not only are they so preoccupied with these perceived threats, but they're lazy about it! They don't read articles or do their own research or idk TALK to people who may be different from them. They are spoonfed bullshit lies by people in the very positions that they SAY they are critical of and yet just believe shit without any critical thought process happening.
I feel like every time I go anywhere, be it online or irl, I am plagued by the news that yet another person opened their unkind, uneducated mouth and spewed such utter horrible, vile things about people that they don't even know! And I'm sick of it! I thought we all learned the Golden Rule! If you don't have anything nice to say? Don't say anything at all.
#i cant even tag a specific person because its so many people#comedians actors writers politicians every day Joes#personal rant#because im home alone with no one to talk to#so now im screaming into the void#be kind! be smart! be compassionate!#it may be hard but so is always being worked up about whatever the latest fake boogeyman is that some millionaire/billionaire wants to#punch down on just to make more money/get more views/etc#and this does not apply to people who speak negatively about their oppressors or abusers#just to clarify
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Special interest? Triggered.
I will now talk about the movie breakfast club for 4 hours straight.
#no literally this is one of my favorite movies#i related to it so much as a teenager#the trauma school brings? the awful home lives? the teacher being a bad person? realizing you're not alone?#yes please. more of that.#im serious i could go on for hours#i could talk about the entire meaning of the movie and still go in depth on each and every character#when is say this movie is a special interest I MEAN IT#also they're all so queer and i firmly believe they should be in a polycule#the breakfast club#special interest#claire standish#john bender#allison reynolds#andrew clark#brian johnson#its so frustrating when people miss the point of this movie because it holds so many important messages that kids still relate to today#and we as adults should listen to and try to make better for them#ok im done talking(for now)#aml speaks#autistic#autism
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and then i realized today well shit man no wonder im exhausted all the time. i work all day and then i spend the rest of my time at home also working on writing and stuff so that i can obtain a single shred of the feeling of love and attention and validation through writing 150k words that some people get for free just for existing
#when my grandma said she loved me grandCHILD i realized it was the first time i had felt loved in person in a very long time#and the first time i had ever felt like any family member had ever known or understood me period#i write thousands and thousands of words to be seen and understood and the fleeting attention i get not only solely exists on the internet#but its like meager fleeting scraps compared to people who have been selected by others just for existing#i write to be understood because it’s the only way i obtain a sense of love in terms of like#‘being understood’#i write to obtain love and it is scraps and table crumbs and none of it is irl#i’m not used to living in a life where i dont have to work to be loved#what is that like#every single thing i have to do for love (attention) is work#if i dont talk in the group chat people dont talk to or think of me#if i dont host gatherings at my house no one goes out of their way to see me#i cant just come home and exist and know i am loved by someone#i have to talk#or post#or write#or host parties#or organize events#and it’s work work work work work#but when i go home im alone and so it’s basically like i dont exist#so it’s the only thing i can do to prove im out there to someone so people dont forget me#oh and all the parties and hosting and writing and posting and events are fleeting anyway#they end and then everyone leaves and nothing changes until the next one and then it repeats
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^ Most fucked up movie lines
#posting my image so that i can complain to myself in vague terms . Talking about food if you dont wanna see that#also vague allusions to ed dont read my complaining tags if that will trigger you#but i hate having migraines and my fibromyalgia is so bad that it makes it si hard to get up and out of bed and like even if i manage to It#Like. ill give up and just go back to bed because with my migraines the nausea makes everything unappealing . so i'm only eating if i order#something or if my nana brings something home Or way later than i should and it sucks . And I'm out of money and i hate taking it from#other people more than anything else. i wish like everything was walkable like it is back home because then i could just drag myself to#walk a few blocks to the store or something. But i cant do that here so i'm just stuck . And then there is the disorder . Ok that's all . i#hate complaining about this directly to other people but i have to get my Everything out somewhere just to get it off of my mind.#ots just AUGHHHH!!!! SO FRUSTRATING. I hate Being alone in my room and i cant even ask my mommy if she'd get me something. haha 🤣 . Ok#im done now .#basically they should find a way to make food free when youre only comfortable eating One thing .#meowing
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i've also realized that there is no therapy that can fix what's broken inside of me
#therapy wont give me a place to belong. a person to call my home.#therapy where i sit and talk about how all i want is to love and be loved and i'll never feel whole without it wont solve anything#guess i just need to study and get an education for a job that i think i could be capable of#and then distract myself with books and shows and nature#the problem is that loneliness permeates my every cell and my every moment and being#im losing interest in humanity and society#literature is barely even interesting to me anymore bc i feel so fkn far away from humanity#and what makes u human.. that i cant connect with any of what i try to consume#i just... dont care. music doesnt even do anything for me anymore#i feel so numb in one way#but also i often feel like im panicking. how is this possible? how did i end up here?#im like actually fading away from this earth and it sometimes feels like#it wont even matter if i do#what is trying to take ahold of me and stop me from fading....?#idec anymore. even if i do get a job and an apartment i'll still be empty bc all i want is. smth i can never have? is that really how it is#i dont even require that much#that is what is so .. terrible almost#i just want one connection that is special to us both. smth close smth deep smth that i can pour everything into#i look around and almost everyone have more than one person even by them.... what did i do wrong?#i must've done smth very very wrong from the start to even end up here#it doesnt matter. i fade and i fade and i fade... i think i will keep doing so#because no matter how much other ppl - ppl who themselves have love and closeness in their lives. who have friends and partners and family.#no matter how much they parrot empty lines of 'learn how to be alone!!' 'life can be whole and fulfilled even alone' ..#i dont want that. i really dont. deep in my soul i do not want that#so their words are completely... condescending even. yes i CAN do all of that. i mean fuck#i am surviving feeling alone more than most of them are since they have ppl around them lmao#but i just dont want it. i am a person meant for a deep connection... i dont even need it with multiple people#without that i feel like i am dying and nothing else matters#besides i know it's possible bc i have felt that with a person at this time of my life#so i know that it's not smth distant or unachievable... it does exist and i want it bc it's the only thing that made me
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since Monday morning there has been a mouse in our apartment just hauling absolute ass across all corners of every available floor space, in the day time. I need this little furry maniac to either leave or die a swift and peaceful death in one of our traps
#I havnt actually seen it yet today. please pray for me that I wont see it because Im home alone all day and I cannot handle get jump scared#by this creature while Im alone#hannah is talking#we’ve had mice before but mostly only at night and never running around the way this one has been#it acts like it’s being chased
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.
#Im flying home for the last time this year barring another death in the family#and it’s going to be fine everyone’s going to be nice to me like nothing ever happened#and I’m still shitting bricks over here#because Im going to be in a car alone with my sister who I called cps on and we NEVER talked about it aside from her asking me if I could#tell them what I could tell CPS#and mom and dad being super upset with me about it#and relaying how upset everyone was and—I went go into more details#that’s been over for a while#but i feel like everyone is silently angry at me about it bc of how big an emotional and financial problem that was and how much of a#betrayal it was#and I’ve been processing so much religious training trauma and stuff#and processing getting locked in the room weekly at my sisters house#and some of the things I was taught to do to keep the kids in line#and how bad the fighting was between my mom and sister and me during college#and I feel terrible about being so scared about this because#i AM an adult with agency#and i AM choosing to see them#and it’s NICE of them to drive me places#and they’ve been super nice the last couple times I was in town#but conversations and interrogations were usually sprung on me when we were one on one#and if things are like they used to be mom and my sister are always passing info back and forth about me and angling for info to share with#each other to get ideas on how to get me back on the straight and narrow#and i feel crazy for talking about all this#but i still feel SO MUCH GUILT because nothing super bad was happening when I called CPS#and people were working on it behind the scenes and I just didn’t trust and give them time#and last time I was in town I saw another book about bringing your kid back to the faith and morality out on mom’s desk#shh katie#continuing in next post tags bc I ran out of tags here
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Guys I genuinely don’t know how much more I can take
#I was supposed to have my therapy appointment last Friday but that got canceled on account of hurricane#which is like. just fucking awesome because you know what would really really help rn#some fucking therapy!#im so grateful to be alive but im also genuinely just not#I already felt so useless and unworthy and now here I am#feeling powerless and lost and worthless#I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it either because everyone’s got their own shit going on or is in it with me#so here I am screaming into the void#I just need to vent#right this moment I don’t care about anything outside of this hurricane#I don’t care about your cosplays or the ren faire or your hobbies#I don’t care about your pictures of the cool restaurant you went to or the concerts you’re seeing#I care about the fucking bodies that haven’t been recovered and the missing loved ones#I care about the people trapped and scared and alone#I care about the fact that people are just chomping at the fucking bit to swoop in a take the spots where peoples homes were washed awau
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i hate living here
#i havent talked to my mom literally all day and she came home and is just PISSED at me#like. what the fuck#also. also! shes pissdd that i have ocd that SHE gave me#the definition of homegirl i get it from u!!!#and ive dealt with urs my whole fucking life!!!! and when mine gets worse u fucking hate me#why did u have a kid!!!!#what did u expect!!!#and uve literally never let me do anything in this house and now when i dont volunteer to like clean or move stuff ur surprised#bitch u threw my barbies down the stairs when i was a kid#bc i drew on one of those black felt things (do u know what i mean? i cant remember what they were)#and then touched them without washing my hands#YOUUUU made me this way and our living situation this way#YOUUUUU were the adult#(this isnt to say im like. nasty and not cleaning anything. this happened bc i didnt put the coffee maker back together)#like she wouldnt have ripped my head off if she hadnt wanted it put together#i dunno. just hate it here#and i wanted to rant but i hate to rant to my boyfriend about her bc the nuance to understand what shes like is ridiculous#hence all. ^^^ that.#and yet i dont leave because i dont want to leave her alone#because sometimes we're like best friends. which i dont GET#bc its like u hate me and then sometimes ur happy to have me around#i dont know. anyway.#love u if u read all this <3#tw parents#tw abuse#<- maybe? just in case#rebeccaspeaks
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what up i’ve been awake since 5 am after falling asleep at fucking midnight but i won my first fortnite battle royale solo last night and my anxiety is ✨ buzzing ✨.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[my aunt called me at 5 literally crying because she was stuck downstairs on the toilet and couldn’t get up. and it shocked me awake but i#handled it surprisingly well so there’s that in spite of the continuous flashback i feel like im trapped in. i just. so desperately want to#have a day that doesn’t start and end with a disaster. had a cursory interaction with my other aunt that just… made me feel worse. feels#great when people quite literally are just talking to you to go ‘how’s your aunt???’. i need a day off so bad but like. a real one. one#with actual time off. you ever feel enclosed inside your own brain but also you’re incredibly alone outside of it? fucking hell i miss… my#entire family. I miss having a family. what the fuck does it feel like for your home to be a place of comfort and not a hellish chaos.]#negativity /#medical mention /#medical /
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partner (half jokingly) accused me of having a piss kink so i had to tell them "no, actually, and sometimes when you squirt in my mouth i have to prevent myself from having a panic attack. okay? :)" like actually you may know me more than anyone else but you still don't actually know me :) thanks for trying
#no one does or ever will!! not even me!! its not personal#also is it okay that im angry at them for waking me up even though they were sleep talking#they cant control it but they literally scream and wake me up and they talk all morning so i cant go back to sleep if i try#ugh#part of why our dream home would have a large enough office for me to fit a daybed into so i can be in there when i need to be alone#because i often need to be alone#vent
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it's so dumb that we still feel awkward about creating willogenic headmates in our sys when we literally found out we were plural through the tulpa community
#SYSCOURSE GET BLOCKED AND EXPLODED 💥#endo safe#tulpa safe#but like we figured out we had an actual disassociative disorder through that community#because when we first started 'creating' headmates and talking about it in the community#everyone was like 'yea its... not usually normal for tulpas to form so completely THAT fast??? especially multiple at once???'#'its not really normal to be SURPRISED by a 'new tulpa'? like... the whole thing is you have to put in effort to create them?'#when we started tulpamancy we basically had a cambrian explosion of headmates like we went from Cecil alone to 14 all at once#(and we have confirmation that Cecil did not arrive alone. his arrival (or reveal) was ANNOUNCED by A DIFFERENT GUY)#literally the conversation was just#ruby: why am i getting intrusive thoughts rn#sheo; not making himself known: it's cecils fault#ruby: WHOS CECIL?????#cecil: hi thats me#we talked about how cecil basically formed by himself (blank as well) and everyone was like... bestie that might not be a tulpa....#they were really kind abt it though i happened to be in a nice group#anyway all that backstory aside we keep wanting a headmate of a specific concept but keep feeling weird about making them from scratch#cause like. years and years ago. we ran away from home once and. well let's just say we did not intend to be found with a pulse#and like. we were texting our friends while walking and they weren't able to convince us to go home at all we were. very not ok#and i had to put away my phone bc it started raining so i kept walking for a bit and then just. stopped#bc in the middle of the road there was just. a single solitary bright red salamander. just standin there#and i just. i don't even know. i broke a little? i was just overwhelmed with the wonder of nature and life and coincidence?#I've literally only ever seen two salamanders in my entire life. one that i caught under a bush and wanted to keep as a pet but was told no#and that little fire red salamander in the middle of the road#and i genuinely think if i had not stopped to look at that salamander i would not have gone home#and i want. to have a salamander headmate that can be there for comfort and stuff#if we ever get a tattoo we're definitely getting a salamander one as our first one#maybe mixed with a semicolon bc the salamander is like. symbolizing the same thing for me#the 'i fucking made it. im still here' kind of vibes
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Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore
#vent#bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill#i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts#my brain is failing me my body us failing me#i dont know what to do with myself#so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to#i have never felt so utterly alone#i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention#because i probably am#some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point#truly i am just so fucking alone#and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and#probably makes me more mentally ill or smth#and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns#yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time#i am just so so tired#and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary#i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine#at home im in toxic hell#in online spaces i have no one actually close to me#in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything#in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron#on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting#so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so#which again makes me into a fucking Nothing#god my head hurts so much#that's what u get for wailing at 4 am#anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit#all my fault tho so ☺#delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫
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doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i#just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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