#but its like meager fleeting scraps compared to people who have been selected by others just for existing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

silverjirachi · 1 month ago

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and then i realized today well shit man no wonder im exhausted all the time. i work all day and then i spend the rest of my time at home also working on writing and stuff so that i can obtain a single shred of the feeling of love and attention and validation through writing 150k words that some people get for free just for existing

#when my grandma said she loved me grandCHILD i realized it was the first time i had felt loved in person in a very long time #and the first time i had ever felt like any family member had ever known or understood me period #i write thousands and thousands of words to be seen and understood and the fleeting attention i get not only solely exists on the internet #but its like meager fleeting scraps compared to people who have been selected by others just for existing #i write to be understood because it’s the only way i obtain a sense of love in terms of like #‘being understood’#i write to obtain love and it is scraps and table crumbs and none of it is irl #i’m not used to living in a life where i dont have to work to be loved #what is that like #every single thing i have to do for love (attention) is work #if i dont talk in the group chat people dont talk to or think of me #if i dont host gatherings at my house no one goes out of their way to see me #i cant just come home and exist and know i am loved by someone #i have to talk #or post #or write #or host parties #or organize events #and it’s work work work work work #but when i go home im alone and so it’s basically like i dont exist #so it’s the only thing i can do to prove im out there to someone so people dont forget me #oh and all the parties and hosting and writing and posting and events are fleeting anyway #they end and then everyone leaves and nothing changes until the next one and then it repeats

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