#bc no one wants to deal with my burdens
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#i dont have my insurance card get so yall are my therapist for now#and yeah i could get a diary but shhh#urdtarah complains#it just don't understand what's going on tbh#my mind is so muddled#the thing that was the least traumatic bothers me most#idk if that's avoidance or what#but ive been running and i think its openning shit up#my therapist tells me i store most of my emotions in my body#so its not unreasonable to think bc im more active that its stirring shit up#😮💨 but im annoyed and i hate myself#i hate that im not healthy#it makes me feel unworthy of love#bc no one wants to deal with my burdens#even though im not even that bad 😭#i support myself#and like i said im working out#but im still too burdensome bc i guess my personality isn't worth my problems#😔 as long as im sick i cant find someone#but i dont think I'll ever get better#I'll be constantly maintaining my pain until i choke
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not to brag, but my therapist told me today that i did incredible during our emdr session, which means i get an A for the day in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve 🙂���️😌
#not snz#literally said out loud to her “does that mean i get an a in therapy” which i assume we'll discuss at a later date lmao#random snz related thing tho#i told her today i used to hide the fact that i was sick as a child bc i didnt want to be a burden#and she was like wow. that's really serious#and i was like tbh i didn't think it was that big a deal until you said that LMAO#i hid everything!!! emotions are Bad To Show!!!#i just love her bc she doesnt mince words haha#did you guys hide the fact that you were sick as a kid? and not for like fetishy reasons#for like i dont want to bother anyone reasons#im sure im not alone there#anywayyyy#i promise im working on a story. its a mark story and he amd i are v similar so its been difficult to write#but itll hopefully be up by Friday#ive spent so much time on it and honestly i dont even like it but#its going out one way or another#i never spend this much time on one story idk whats going on#we'll see if anyone enjoys it!!#thats it for the novel in the tags if ya made it this far hi thanks for being part of my second therapy session of the day#aka the tags of a rando tumblr post lol
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Oh the temptation to write a Resistance fic where Kudo learns to take care of a baby during terrible times
#bruce knows the most about developmental needs and has to teach kudo#whos strict but softhearted and wants to die whenever a baby cries that they hate him#basically kudo fumbling his way through parenthood bc hes too kind to just abandon babies in this dark era#and yoichi went and nicknamed the baby immediately despite kudo saying not to name it to avoid attachment#kudo to bruce: dont name it. itll be a burden if we do#yoichi in the background: oh Baby-chan how can you be so cute?#can u tell what ive been working on recently#bnha#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#mha#bruce#kudo#yoichi shigaraki#fic#oc#writing#yoichi just picks up a baby and of course it has to be a Meta baby#two sides of the same coin#one end is Kudo being concerned over Hasta la Vista baby and showing it in the worst ways#one end is Kudo learning how to really deal with babies cuz of baby-chan#he still talks to babies like theyre dogs though#kudo's learning curve for something he never thought hed end up doing. babies were very much not a part of his short life plan#its funnnnn
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I'm so fucking tired I already think the holidays are Bad why does everything around me make them Worse
#just. i just want it to stop#i just want to not feel constantly bad#im always either too tired too angry or too sad and im. struggling#i truly wish that killing myself was an option. i know it's not. it hasn't been for a while but I'm so tired i wish it was still#in the last. idk l. 3 to 4 months I've cried at least at much as I've done in the last decade i don't have energy for. a lot of stuff#i just wish things were idk if easier i just wish there were less shit to worry about#i truly wish i could just die. id just add way to many burdens and issues for others that i know i can't do that to anyone#. but i wish i just could. i don't want to deal with anything anymore#... idk it's 2 am and stuff keeps happening no matter how much i try to. just be at least a bit okay i fucking can't#I've been relapsing which like i know it's bad and doesn't help but crying didn't make me feel better either#i truly just. feel or of options at my current state of existing#and trying to find a different one. it's not host complicated. doesn't feel possible. idk#idek what I'm saying anymore#.. it's a post ill be surprised if i don't end up deleting them#it. whatever.#my posts#bc every one in a while if i feel too much like shit i check other times i felt like shit#bc what the fuck is this tag if not me being patheticly sad
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what’s the etiquette of staying overnight at a place of a dude with whom you hung out a couple of times in the company, and for whom you 2 hours ago called a psychiatric ambulance, bc his wife asked your partner (who’s also the dude’s ex) to check up on him bc he’s really in crisis while she’s out of town, but your partner is almost out of town as well with his awful mom who came to visit and already made a scandal that he’s not spending time with her, so he ends up asking you, and the other person who was here has a morning shift and had to leave, so here you are keeping the dude company to ensure he’s okay 💀
#im okay the dude is also as he can be#he’s sleeping now in the other room bc the ambulance gave him some drugs#i hope he sleeps till morning#bc the whole thing is REALLY awkward when it comes down to it lol#like heyy we partied and did weed a couple of times and one (1) time we kinda had a heart to heart#smoking on the balcony kind you know#and now i witnessed you at your absolute lowest point#yayyy *unenthusiastically*#tw mental health#istg the larp community is inbred af#i mean everyone’s someone’s ex#and you as a newcomer have to deal with it lol#sorry for the shit way too personal for this blog’s usual programming#all my other social media have friends of friends and i don’t want to disclose the situation#and almost everyone i could vent to either are too close to the situation#or i don’t want to burden them atm
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so it looks like im probably calling out from work. 🙃 again. 🙃🙃🙃
#yeah theres a reason i dont even bother asking this sister for rides anymore..........#ok there is more than ONE reason but. well.#the fact that she isn't responding is one of the reasons so 🙃#other reasons include that she acts like i am the biggest burden on her life bc i ask her to take me home from work one (1) time#but that's besides the point here like i can deal with her making me feel like shit as long as i can actually GET HOME FROM WORK#but if i have no ride HOME then there isn't really a point in GOING#and ik at least one of my coworkers would probably be willing but i don't have any of their numbers and i don't really want to ask Day Of#so#sigh#the one coworker who i HAVE carpooled with and would be willing to actually ask again is on vacation and won't be back until next week too#she's also the only current coworker whose phone number i actually HAVE LMAO#so really im just fucked 👍#thanks sis 👍👍#(ok im only probably fucked bc she isn't responding but still)#man i wish i could stop having fucking car troubles this is the WORST#shh ac
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being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so
#personal#cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic#sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible#like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit#le space and use up as little resources as possible#even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in#they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know#i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class#failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow#ass over it ever since#tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore#tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class#and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life#imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha#else to tell you
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did u know sh.arks are cool
#ep#anyway vent time mbmb#i miss my bf#and#i sparked a fight between our parents bc we eat slowly#sorry ig but it would help if our dad didnt insult us everytime we ate yk#sorry we're slow and ruin everything dad#we would listen to u if u didnt insult us and then turn around snd deny that u did??#even our mom knows how bad he is we've sobbed to her so much ab him#he's great when hes happy but if hes even a little upset then we're the worst person in his life#and we have to be fine when his emotions change on a dime but ours cant we have to be happy and obedient 24/7 or else we ruin everything#snd if we start to cry bc of what he says he laughs at us#he's so great when hes happy so why does he have ti be so so mean when hes not#now our emotions are so extreme partly bc of him.and i dont want this#why do we either have to be extremely happy or so so sad or angry or anything#we just tske naps to not hsve to deal with this all the time#and im sobbinf to serenity ab this andni love her but it hurts to.feel like no one else cares#i know.some ppl do but why be such a burden to them and complain#esp when our dad is so great and he just has these lows and highs that are.totally uncontrollable!! and not hisnfault but completely ours!/s#he never treats anything we say seriously and hes such a hypocrite and we want him gone but we love him and we'd miss him and cry#why do.es this have to be com plicated ehy cant we just have a good relationship all the time#i dont want to be blamed for every bad mood he has anymore its so tiring tohear him take itnout on us and insult us#at least with our mom she hears us out but he's the man of the house so what he says is final and no one can argue n shit whatevr#he just yelled at our mom to shut up (in nepali) bc she was nicely trying to tell him to be a little calmer after blowing up on me lmfao#ok im done i need water my throat is so dru and i need to stop cryinf before our familyc omes up#vent
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this weekend was hard. this coming weekend is going to be even harder.
funerals are weird and i'm feeling so inadequate in all areas. life moves on and i haven't really processed my mom almost dying let alone this.
i worry that i'll never be enough for anyone. my mind is always 10000 miles away and i worry that not being present is hurting people. its just getting so hard to care about anything. i can barely get myself up for work in the morning, and even when i'm here....i'm not here.
i'm at such a loss and feel like i've overextended the kindness my partner and friends have shown me. everyone has their own things going on and i feel like i should be over this so i can care about a birthday or be there when someone is having a bad day.
and its not that i don't care because i don't love them. i just can't even think about it or notice or remember. i don't have the mental energy to continue pouring into all of these cups but i feel like i don't have a choice. and feeling like that just bogs me down further into a cycle of guilt.
#personal#i just feel so bad all of the time hehehehe#can't even keep a queue steady for my fav internet place because i just dissociate when i'm not actively at work or with people#likei'm really just on the couch or in my car or in bed staring at th wall bc what else is there to do when i feel like such a burden#no one wants me around on a good day and i'm too much to handle and too clingy/attention seeking when i'm not aching#i'm probably even more annoying to deal with now#been thinking about ending it lately and the only thing keepingme here is not wanting to burden my partner and roommate#bc they'd need to pay my bills and make up for what i do financially for the house#and like....... that's so sad lol and i know its sad but at this point i feel like the only value i have to anyone is what i can give them#hehehehe if u read this far ur obligated to like this post bc ur too in my business to not give me a crumb of engagement hehehehe
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#like. today has been Bad.#idk why it just is and i was okay for a bit but then i wasnt again#and rn im rlly not great & like. yeah i wanna sh but instead im reading fanfic abt it#which helps but at the same time it doesnt help and maybe makes things worse? idk if it does but either way im doing it which tbh probably#counts as a form of sh in a way but whatever.#but like. i dont know how to talk to people abt this. i feel like im a burden whenever i tall avt my feelings let alone negative ones#and like yeah having a support sytem and all that but how the fuck do i jist say hey i feel like shit and want to hurt myself now you have#to deal with this issue <3#bc that feels like a fucking horrible thing to do and like. im fine. not /fine/ fine but im fine
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Not to whine I just don't feel well physically n I'm overwhelmed,,, and also recent interaction but why does everyone in my life seem 2 enjoy snapping at me n taking out their anger on me even when I am Not the cause of said Anger !!! Like don't apologize to me be better abt it !!!
#.personal rambles#Just now my sister snapped at me ans got all hussy over shit that wasnt my fault and lit like I cant deal w this rn#I feel awful Im gonna do some pain management rn but like 🙏🙏🙏 lit evrryone in my fam feels comfortable taking shit out on me#Like Im sorry youre angry but does that give u a right to snap at me n yell at me as if I can magically fix the situation#Ig thats the eldest child/son having to be peacekeeper person burden#Like wow I wish I could snap at yall like u do me 🙏🙏🙏#But I yknow act like an adult and keep my shit in check and it isnt my fucking fault u dont wanna parent my younger sister and have her rely#on us for everything...like for driving they want me to take her out and when she goes places i have to drop her off which idm but when u#get mad at me for having school / work too ...#also my sister last minute plans shit and its spontaneous too which is kinda getting on my nerves#Idk I am probably just overwhelmed bc I feel like shit Im burn out my work wont stop msging me and I got mt own shit to deal with ontop of#everything else...but yanno I have to be the calm dependable one and it sucks !#Also I didnt sleep well because of my pain and so no wonder om sensitive idk
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also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY
small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY
#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders#cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but#I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023#i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be#thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin#but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming#and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i#have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more#im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @#idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that#i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter#ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her#i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do#other than just throw money at me for support#i hate this#original#vent
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literally nobody was picking up my meds bc they all just assumed someone else would do it and you know having a bit of a Why Am I Alive moment
#smudgy.txt#.vent#sui ideation#sui mention#suicide mention#i feel like i dont exist but do just enough to feel the pain of being alive etc etc etc#they dont care. they dont care. they dont care.#in fact my existence is an annoyance to them!#and yknow youd think id be mad at them for that but seeing as theyre#basically the only people ive known/been surrounded by in person my whole life#its like.. ohh IM the problem. im the Bad One.#and man ive felt like this for so much of my life. that im the burden the annoyance the annoying little sibling trying to#insert itself into everything trying to feel included when no one wants me around#i feel like an idiot for wanting to live to exist to be Me bc what is Me really like what if im just copying what ivd seen what if i#dont actually exist#no thats not it. i just wish i didnt#all my childhood memories have me feeling like i dont belong like im an outsider of some sort that everyones forced to include#or else theyll get in trouble w the adults#everyone just has to Deal with me. i keep inserting myself into their lives and they just have to deal w it out of politeness#i want to cry
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well and truly drowning in allo apothi emotions (negative) today but at least it's october
#:(#i can't even make fucking headcanons to deal with shit#the fucking rock bottom desperate last resort of queer coping(tm). making shit up simply because u can. i CAN'T.#not one of the characters i care about. is even a fucking Option for Someone Like Me#sn*wbaz is like my one and only ship and u cannot take the physicality out of it the whole book revolves around it#and just like. it's everywhere. EVERYWHERE. every single story in the goddamn universe incorporates mandatory mouth kink#and i don't even know what i fucking want i feel GUILTY about trying to imagine it bc i feel like i could only ever be a burden#and even other aspec ppl seem to constantly forget the possibility of ppl like me#even discussions of NON-romantic life partnership so often centre around 'someone to kiss uwu'#and god i just genuinely feel like i was not made for this universe sometimes
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truly ready to like. start hanging a sign on myself that says I AM PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF HEARING YOU YOU FUCKING DUNCE to wear around my coworker who doesn't seem to understand what Deaf means
#every. fucking. day.#'sorry I'm Deaf remember? i just need you to get my attention before you start talking so i can see what youre saying!' 'oh right' *doesnt*#murder murder murder#or like when i was talking about how i dont want to date hearing people anymore bc they always start out 'making an effort to learn asl'#and then trail off and dont follow through and the burden of effective communication is on me#and she was like oh but you like. talk and understand us!#actually i barely understand you and its exhausting i would rather teach myself to juggle knives than deal with you bc youre unaccommodating#WHEN ONE PERSON TURNS THE MANIA DYSPHORIC BUT YOU GOTTA TRAIN A DIFFERENT MUCH NICER PERSON
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Starting to think that I wasn’t meant to be on this planet. Again
#like if this is what it feels like to have issues that ‘everyone deals with’ and are ‘mild annoyances’ as my therapist put it why dont i kms#paying someone out of pocket to help she isnt even trying#im stuck here getting berated by gross ass people that I should be robbing at gunpoint#while literally surrounded by shipment that needs to be broken down im already in pain and im by myself entirely#had to close to shit earlier and had someone yell at me for being closed for 5 minutes#im somehow the manager of this shithole but have no actual power but every responsibility#i make less than what others in my area make with the same position i have it took me a literal year to get this job#THE STATE TOOK HALF MY PAYCHECK THIS PAST ONE BC THEY DIDNT PAY ME THREE OF THEM PRIOR SO THEY BUNDLED THEM ALL TOGETHER#SO I LOST HALF OF MY INCOME FOR A MONTH AND A HALF BC OF THE COMPANY FUCKING UP#IM CONSTANTLY GETTING SHAT ON BY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AND I BARELY HAVE ANYONE LEFT BC THOSE WHO ARE KIND TO ME I DONT WANT TO BURDEN
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