#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders

[violentviolette]

So I was on your fandom blog and I saw that you believe Bakugou (at least in assuming) to have ASPD. Is wondering if you could expand on that? I personally see him as NPD but I'd love to hear your side of things

first off anon bless u for being on my fandom blog that takes courage cause it’s a wicked hot mess over there lol and secondly to everyone else yes im about to spend an embarrassing amount of effort overanalyzing an anime man, no u shouldn’t apply this logic to diagnosing real people u don’t know or urself, no its not that deep but yes u can fuck right off if u wanna cry about me headcanoning ur favs with “shitty” illnesses. eat my dick.

But now down to the good shit! So I actually think bakugou has comorbid aspd/npd. But for this since u said u already see him as having npd I’ll just focus on the aspd criteria but im totally down to talk more about npd as well if u wanna. (the rest is under a cut because frankly mobile users would have drawn and quartered me otherwise)

So first im gonna go thru the dsm v criteria that are required for diagnosis that bakugou fits/exhibits (leaving out the few things that don’t pertain to him just for length and also because not every person has to fit every single criteria to qualify)

1. Significant impairments in personality as manifested by

a. identity (self esteem derived from power, pleasure, or personal gain), self direction (goal setting based on personal gratification, absence of prosocial standards and culturally normal ethical behavior)

katsukis entire sense of self is built upon his ability to “win” and to always be number one and come out on top. He absolutely cant stand to be viewed as less than that because if so, his entire sense of self begins to crumble. Part of the reason he’s so antagonistic towards Izuku in the early chapters is the fact that Izuku challenges that identity. He (unintentionally and intentionally) challenges katsuki and wont give way to him (which is the right thing to do, but we see how “well” katsuki handles that). He also doesn’t have a good sense of “prosocial standards.” katsuki has created his own internal sense of morals and values, he’s decided whats worth his time and effort based on his own opinions and not on what society deems worthwhile behavior. He’s constantly getting admonished that his attitude “isn’t that of a hero” because his values are different than the ones of the society around him. But he doesn’t care, as long as he “wins” then everythings good. And its not until he stops “winning” and his behavior begins to get in the way of his goals does he begin to realize that he has a problem.

b. impairments in interpersonal functioning as manifested by lack of empathy (lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others) and lack of intimacy (incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, use of dominance or intimidation to control others)

I could frankly write a whole essay about just this bit alone but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. So. Lets talk about katsukis lack of empathy. This boy wouldn’t know another person’s emotions if they walked up and punched him in the face. Which they do. On multiple occasions. But I digress. Katsuki is known for his shitty bedside manner, his lack of concern for the feelings of others is literally what cost him his provisional license, but aside from with Izuku (who we’ve established is a source of Baggage for katsuki and shouldn’t be counted among his normal behavior because at the start of the series they BOTH bring out the worst in one another and overcoming that is part of both of their character arcs and growth and a main theme of the damn story. Win and save. Save and win. Ahem. But again I digress) katsuki isn’t vindictive or cruel in an unnecessary way about other peoples emotions. He doesn’t use them against people, it just doesn’t occur to him that they exist. But as we see katsuki grow and begin to try and change his unhealthy behavior, we see that he’s not oblivious of others emotions in the same way todoroki is (who I headcanon as autistic along with izuku (who also has adhd), but that’s a whole nother post lol), he just doesn’t know what to do with them. He can handle things like kirishima feeling insecure, because he can logically talk to him about how strong he is to encourage and support him, but really struggles with more intimate and open forms of emotional support, like with Izuku.

He also struggles with forming prosocial bonds and friends. At the start of the series katsuki doesn’t have friends, he has lackeys he controls with intimidation and fear because he doesn’t know any other way to be. He has trust and intimacy issues and doesn’t like people getting too close to him because he feels displays of vulnerability are what makes someone weak (see those asocial morals and values we talked about earlier). After his time at UA, a few large helpings of some humble pie, and the diligent and hard work of a small group of fearless idiots (aka kaminari whose literally too prosocial for his own good and has zero self preservation instincts, and kirishima who has an endless supply of patience and understands empathy and other peoples emotions to a degree that’s baffling to me) he is able to start deconstructing that idea and realizing that u can be vulnerable and let people close to u and still be strong. That the mortifying ordeal of being known isn’t actually the worst things ever. Also that when confronted with people who aren’t actually afraid of him, he doesn’t know how else to deter them from getting close to him. The fact that none of the other kids in 1-A take katsukis shit and even go so far as to pick on him and mock him and call him out on his bullshit is a MAJOR turning point for his socialization skills.

2. pathological personality traits in the following catagories

a. antagonism, characterized by hostility (persistent and frequent angry feelings, anger or irritability in response to minor slights or insults, nasty mean vengeful behavior), callousness (lack of concern for the feelings and problems of others)

I mean. Do I even have to expand on this point? I feel like no

b. disinhibition, characterized by impulsivity (acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli, acting without a plan or consideration for outcomes, difficulty establishing and following plans), risk taking (lack of concern for ones limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger, engaging in potentially risky and self-damaging activities without regard for consequences)

this is a criteria where u have to adjust for the world these characters are living in. but even then, by hero standards, katsuki is still impulsive. His teachers are constantly admonishing him in the early series for charging headfirst into a situation, loosing himself to his emotions and anger, and letting things get the better of him because hes not taking the time to properly assess the situation, this also bleeds into katsukis inability to work with others or ask for help. He charges headfirst into a situation by himself, blows up anything in his way, and then asks questions later. His teammates are often left totally in the dark to his plans, motives, or other moves and have to just play catch up to him the entire time. In the deku vs. kacchan 1 fight we see this behavior come out in full force. He has no plan, he blows up half the building with zero regard for their goals, and leaves iida completely in the dark. Momo pointing this all out and dragging him for filth during the recap is another wakeup moment for him, having to confront the realities of his impulsive and negative behavior whereas before he was only praised for it.

so if we take a look at even just that, which is still about ¾ of the diagnostic criteria, I think u can see where this really starts to explain his personality. Katsuki is hot headed, angry, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, he gets in his own way more often than not, he struggles with prosocial behavior, making friends, and relating emotionally to others. He has a hard time comforting people and usually does so in a blunt and logical way, he isn’t great at sympathy and being soft, kind, or gentle with other people. It takes a considerable amount of effort for him to realize where his world view and his morals and goals are warped and doing him more harm than good, and he absolutely cant stand to be vulnerable or honest about his feelings with others. 

All those things, imo, as someone with aspd & npd, are what make me feel like hes a good character representation of what the complexities of living with these disorders is like. Katsuki isn’t inherently a bad person, and as we see him grow and change, we see the ways in which hes becoming better, but its still hard for him. And despite what a lot of fandom thinks, if u look at the canon, the main person katsuki hurts with his behavior is himself. And I think that’s really important because people with aspd & npd are so often catagorized as abusive villians whose only goal in life is to hurt others. Whereas with katsuki we see where these things and this kind of thinking gets in the way of his goals and ultimately hurts him. and thats what I think makes him the most relatable and makes his growth all the much more satisfying. Katsuki is both fundamentally the same and an entirely different person from when we first meet him. his personality didn’t magically completely change, hes not just a tsundere whose suddenly all mushy feely and hyper empathetic, he’s just learning how to deal with his emotions and the world and getting better at being a healthy person.

So yea, those are my thoughts! There was apparently a whole 1600 words of them so my apologies for writing u a literal dissertation on this lol I just really love this fucking character

[socialoutsiderwritings]

Like Hell

 Pairings: Mutant!Reader x Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: FemxFem , Reader death

Based off this prompt

 Natasha had never met someone like you. And even though Fury had told her what to expect she thought he was just messing with her. You enrolled in to SHIELD Academy after finding out about your skills. You wanted to apply them to good use and what better place than SHIELD , you thought. Your surpassed every agent they threw you at. May , Hill , Coulson , Ward you name them. Fury was impressed , but he had one more person in mind he wanted you to go up against. You were in the middle of the training room , stretching out on the mat when walked in. Natasha eyed the other agents that were gathered around. Word got out Widow was going to break in the new recruit and apparently they wanted to be there to witness it. 

 “Y/N.” Fury called. You glanced up from stretching your hamstrings. Natasha noticed your bright yellow eyes immediately. “This is Agent Romanoff.” he gestured towards her.

 You smiled brightly and pushed yourself up off the mat. “Wow. Black Widow.” You gushed. “It’s a pleasure.” You wiped your hands down on your workout pants and held your hand out for her to shake. She gave you a tight smile and short handshake. You didn’t take it to heart tho. You’ve heard enough about Black Widow , she was all business when it came down to it. “Shall we?” You gestured towards the mat.

 “Good luck , Romanoff.” Fury patted her back , before stepping off the mat. The other agents gave you two enough space. Natasha’s pose was straight and collected , while you kept yourself low as the two of you circled around the mat. One of the agents hollered for the both of you to get a move on. You ignored him and kept your eyes on your target. Natasha was focused , not bothering to turn back and glare at the man no matter how annoyed she was at him. You both were waiting for the other to make the first move. 

 “Ok.” You sighed to yourself. You fixed your posture and stood straight , letting Natasha come at you and make the first move. She wasted no time , she ran towards you she spun around in a roundhouse kick and you easily grabbed her ankle , blocking her hit. 

 The agents watched in amazement how the two of you easily blocked the other’s hits , how flexible your bodies were , how gracefully you flipped over each other dodging the other’s attacks. Natasha shot Nick a quick look. You missed the way he shrugged and muttered a quick , “Told you she was good.”

 “Is that your power? Mimicking fight patterns?” She tried to throw you off guard.

 You only chuckled and shook your head. “I’m saving that for later. But you can give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.” You teased. She did’t seem to like that. She ran at you , face full of determination. You let her get you in her signature move and used your powers before you even hit the mat. 

 “What the hell?” Natasha gaped as she looked around. “Where’d she go?” She didn’t see you coming , you teleported above her , landing on her shoulders and swinging yourself down flipping Natasha forward and on her back. You tightened your thighs around her , just enough so she can still breath. The crowd ‘oooo’ed’ as Natasha tried to break free from your grasp. 

 “Give up?” You smirked.

 “Like...hell.” She forced out. She kicked her legs up and you leaned further back to avoid her from grabbing you with her legs. 

 “Tap out , Natasha.” Fury called to her. She struggled again before eventually tapping your knee three times. There was a scatter of applause and disappointed sighs from the other agents. “Get back to work.” Fury barked at them. 

 You stood up and held your hand out to help Natasha. “No hard feelings?” She glanced at your hand then back at you , contemplating. You offered her a small smile. 

 “None.” She eventually said as she grabbed your hand. “I won’t go so easy on you next time tho.” She joked. 

 “Wouldn’t expect anything less.” 

 Over the 3 years of working together you and Natasha grew closer than the two of you thought possible. You were constantly paired together on missions and easily accomplished them with Natasha’s skill and your power. You’ve grown very protective of one another. You worried when she went off on a mission without you , just as she worried for you. 

 Your heart dropped when Nick called you and told you he’d lost contact with Natasha and her team. He had sent them to Austria after a surge of strange activity popped up on their radar. You went back to SHIELD headquarters where Nick briefed you about the mission , the facility and who you were up against. He offered you a team , but you kindly declined not wanting to put anymore agents’ lives in danger. 

 You landed the quinjet just on the outskirts of the facility hidden within the forest. You examined the building from afar. There was a huge concrete wall surrounding the entire facility and no signs of hostiles. You couldn’t say the same for what awaited behind the wall. You were able to see where you were going whenever you teleported the other times , but you can feel the walls were thick in this facility making it hard for you to ‘see’ where you were going.

 You took a deep breath and just pictured Natasha. You didn’t know if just picturing her would work but you had to give it a try. Another deep breath and you were ready. 

 When you opened your eyes you were inside the facility , you were light headed and nauseous , something you never felt before when you used your power.

 “What the hell? What is that?” The whispered voices came from behind you. You slowly turned around and noticed the 5 frightened agents, except for the one face you longed to see.

 “Y/N?” Your eyes shot towards the corner of the room. Natasha slowly stood up. You tried to take a step but you didn’t have the energy to even lift your leg up off the ground. She rushed towards you and caught you before you could fall. “Are you ok?” She kept her voice low.

 You could only shake your head in response. Another agent came to your aid and helped Natasha drag you towards the small bed and sat you down. “Where are we?”

 “They shoved us in this small cell. Took all our weapons and communication devices.” Natasha explained. “These...things..they’re not human. We couldn’t fight them off.” 

 “They come in here and take one of us every several hours. The ones they take , they never come back.” One of the agents sobbed. Another agent comforted him and tried to keep him quiet.

 “It’s gonna be ok.” You reassured them. “The quinjet is not far from here. We can all make it  , you just need to listen to me.” You stood up from the bed slowly. Natasha held her arms out to catch you just in case. “I can teleport us all out of here. But the walls are thick , it makes it hard for me to see and it drains me to even get thru one inch of it. I’m gonna take us all out but you have to keep each other close. If you let go , there’s a chance they’ll be lost and I won’t be able to find them. Nothing will.” You explained as you walked over to the group.

 “Y/N. You just said it’ll drain you.” Natasha joined you. “There’s gotta be another way. We’ll break out of this cell and fight our way out.”

 “Nat , if I take us out one by one then there’ll be no way I would even be able to take the rest out. I’d pass out after the second person.We don’t even have weapons to fight those things. You even said you couldn’t fight them off. We have one chance and one chance only.” You reached over to grab her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “This is the only way.”

 She looked to you and then at the other agents. “Ok. But we can’t just leave without destroying the place. Do you have a comms?” 

 “Yeah?” You answered , tho it came it out more of a question. 

 “Get me out of this cell. I can find my way to the control room , if they even have one and blow this place to hell.”

 “Like hell!” You argued. She quickly covered your mouth and looked out the cell door. She slowly removed her hand when the coast was clear. “Nat ,now way. We’ll all go! Together.”

 “Y/N you didn’t see those things. You didn’t see what they have planned. It’s not what Fury thought. I’ll find a way to communicate with you so you can find me. But I’m not leaving this place in one piece.” You opened your mouth to argue with her but by the look on her face , you knew she already had her mind set on her plan. And no amount of arguing was going to change her mind. 

 “Fine,” you gave up , you let out a sigh and looked at the other agents , “hold hands. As tight as you can. Don’t let go. I need you all to focus on one thing and one thing only. Got it?” There were a scatter of yeses and they did exactly as you instructed. You turned back to Natasha. You envied how she kept such a straight face , even as you were breaking inside. 

 “Just come with us.” You whispered , knowing your voice would fail you. She grabbed on to both of your hands. She nodded her head and you knew what that meant. You teleported the both of you outside of the cell.

“Clear,” she announced as she looked down both directions. “Alright go get out of here.”

 “Nat.” You grabbed her hand , stopping her from running off. Your heart pounded in your chest , you didn’t want her to go , not without telling her. “Be careful.” You said instead. She only smirked and ran off. You teleported back to the agents. You grabbed the hands of the two at then end and connected the circle. “Hold tight.”

 You collapsed on to the ground as soon as you made it out. “Is everybody out?” You asked thru heavy breaths as you struggled to stand up. They each sounded off , “Good. Get to the quinjet.” You pointed ahead of you , keeping your head low. One of them helped you up and dragged you towards the quinjet. Once safe inside they all scattered within the jet , re-hydrating and finding the emergency food. “Has she reached out?” Your strength was coming back, slowly but surely. You made your way towards the pilot seat and started using the scanner.

 “Nothing yet. But it looks like if we don’t get this thing in the air they’ll blow us from where we sit.” He pointed ahead back at the facility. An army of huge green and blue beings were lining up on top the concrete wall with weapons you’ve never seen before.

 “Aliens? Are you fucking kidding me?” You groaned. “We’re not leaving Natasha.” Just then static came thru the scanner along with what you recognized as Natasha’s voice. “Nat? I’m here? Where are you?” 

 “I’m--control---explosives--” 

 “Nat. You’re getting cut off. What? Explosives?”

 “cont- room - under- ground-” She cut off. You tried again but the scanner went dead silent again.

 “Nat!” You slapped the thing. You stood up and paced the small area , thinking of a plan. Everyone watched you as you paced back and forth muttering to yourself. “Ok,” You finally came up with a conclusion, “I’m going back in. Give me 15 minutes. If not’s not back here by then,” you let out a heavy sigh , “take off.”

 “Wait what about you?” The agent in the pilot seat asked.

 “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get her out. Just wait for her. Got it?” You gave him a stern glare. He nodded in response. “If they start shooting. Shoot back.”

--

 You pressed your back against the wall as two green creatures ran down the other side.  There was more activity than before and that worried you. You didn’t know where you going but you teleported your way deeper in to the facility remembering Nat saying something about underground. Your vision was blurry , the deeper in to the facility using your power , the worse you felt. You rounded the corner slamming in to someone who was running as well , the blow knocking you both down.

 “Don’t shoot!” You yelled , holding your hands up when Natasha pointed one of her guns at you. She withdrew her gun and jumped up , pulling you up to your feet. “We have to go now. Before-” The alarms went off and something outside shook the whole facility. “Before that.” You pointed to the ceiling.

 “We have a bigger problem.” She started down the hall , glancing around the corner before motioning you to follow. “These things they rigged the whole damn place to blow. And not just blow. But bring the whole thing down in to the ground.” 

 “Wait like-” Shots went off and you ducked for cover.

 “Like we’ll literally be in a crater if we don’t get the hell outta here now.” She said thru gritted teeth as she emptied out her mag. She tossed the thing aside , muttering profanities under her breath. She noticed you struggle to get up on your feet , “how you feeling? Did you use your powers to get down here?I told you I was going to contact you when I was ready.” She threw one of your arms over her shoulders to keep you up.

 “Connection was weak. I was worried.” You defended yourself.

 “There’s 5 levels of explosives beneath us. First one will go off causing a domino effect. We have about 5 minutes before it goes off. Can you do it?” She looked down at you. You nodded and took a deep breath.  She pulled you both aside for cover as shots went off. “How far up did we go? Can you tell?” She yelled over the flying bullets.

 “One” you panted , “One floor? Maybe?” The sound of the shots were getting closer. Natasha was thinking as fast as she could for a solution but she knew even she was outmatched. 

 “God , they don’t seem to run out of ammo.” 

“Nat.” You breathed. She gave you a quick glance and turned away. “Nat.” You cupped her face and made her look at you. “Do you trust me?” She narrowed her eyes at you. 

 “No.” She shook her head in realization , “I know what you’re thinking.-”

 “Nat. They’re getting closer and we’re running out of time.”

“I’m not gonna leave you here alone.”

 “Well I’m not giving you a choice. It might work and it might not. I won’t lie to you..I’ve never tried it. So , do you trust me?”

“Like hell.” She answered. 

 “Do- do you love me?” You finally worked up your courage.

Her face softened and her hands came up to hold your face as well , “yes,” she murmured , “like hell.” She let out a soft chuckle , if you were going to die at least now you’d go happy knowing she felt the same way. 

 “Close your eyes.” You spoke softly. She did so and you slowly leaned in and placed a kiss on her lips. You were surprised when she pulled you closer , but you didn’t let that make you lose focus. You pictured her out of there , you pictured her safe on the quinjet heading home , you pictured her happy. And that was all it took. You heard the explosion , you felt the ground shake and crumble beneath you. But that didn’t matter , what mattered to you before you went was that Natasha was safe and she told you she loved you.

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[newriter101]

A Different Life - Chapter 2

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On June 28, 1970 a baby girl was born weighing in at 6lb 8oz 21" her mother was just 13 when she gave birth, and her name was Debbie, who was just a child herself. She made the ultimate sacrifice and the most courageous decision of her life, to want a better life than she could give at that time. de decided to give her baby girl up for adoption. Debby's mother Millie wanted to raise this little girl as her own, but Debbie said, no she wanted her little girl to have a better life then she could give her. She signed all rights over to Catholic Charities of Louisville, KY. With in six weeks this little baby girl was adopted to a husband and wife that could not have their own children. This was not their only adoption, they had adopted a son two years prior to that. After living in Louisville, KY for 6 more months they traveled to Owensboro their home town to live and raise two beautiful children. They immediately had there new baby christened and gave her the name Julia Michelle.

As Julia grew up she had the best time, vacation to the beach, spending time with other relatives in other states, things that a lot of Julia's friends didn't due. She had the best family a close family while her dad was around, (then why did Julia hate her mother so much?) Julia's mother always put on a front almost like she was Jeckle and Mr. Hide. in front of others she was this great mom behind closed doors she was evil. I don't use that term lightly but that is just the way she was. There was nothing that Julia did that would make her mother happy. So Julie tried to stay out of the way. She began at an early age resenting her mother for the way she was being treated. Her mom was never really physically abusive, but the way she spoke to Julia and treated her was enough to mold Julia's childhood to be verbally abusive. Julia also realized as she was getting older that her mother was never sorry for being hateful but Julia received a present each time she was mean or cruel. She didn't know how to truly love someone, because her mother died giving birth to her and her dad blamed her for the death of his wife. He would not even let her live with him and her other siblings. she had a pore childhood and turned right around and did the same thing to Julia.

In 1976 Julia was 6 years and was able to start attending kindergarten and she loved it she had many friends and she did not have to be around her mother so much. This little girl was very bubbly, sweet, loving little girl and was happy to be around kids. She did get in trouble at times because she loved to talk and she would talk to anyone. She loved learning about new things, every day was an adventure to her. One of the things she loved the most was celebrating one of her classmates birthdays, however she felt left out because most of her friends had there birthdays during the school year.  She felt left out when it came to birthdays and celebrating in class with a cake and ice cream in her class room.  Julia’s birthday was in the summer in June. So she would never celebrate during school year. Julia cooked up this plan to tell her teacher that her birthday was going to be the following Friday so when Friday came around they would have a party with cake and ice cream for her. She felt very special that day, until her teacher walked her out to the pick up line were her mother was waiting in the car.  Julia's teacher Mrs. Tucker said. “we had a party" for Julia’s birthday today and she says she was having another party this weekend at home. Her mother said, "it’s not Julia’s birthday, it not until June." So not only did Julia get in trouble when she got home but she had to go back to school and apologize to her teacher and her classmates for lying. She just wanted to be like everyone else and have a party while she was still in school. She felt so bad about lying to everyone but had been feeling left out, and didn’t feel special. Julia was very sensitive about hurting others. She was a pretty good kid, loved school and had a lot of friends and she loved her family.

The following year Julia went to Immaculate it was a private Catholic School that went from kindergarten thru eighth grade. She had a lot of fun in school her first few year, did good in her studies, but as she got older felt as though she needed more and Immaculate could give her. She was also rather smaller for her age so she got picked on a lot. Julia’s mom had gotten sick of all of it. Did not care what was going on. During the summer months Julia's mother would ship her off to a cousins house, just like she didn't want to have to deal with her. she had traveled to Kansas, Springfield, Chicago, Atlanta, Alabama, Texas and Florida.  Most of the time it was fun for her to be away from home and she saw a lot of the country this way. As I got older I joined the Swim team and playing tennis, so I would travel less on those years. Julias mom started getting down in her back so for weeks at a time she would not even get out of bed, which made her more week than she already was. As she was having more pain she became very demanding on Julia making her basically her slave or so that is what Julia thought. Julia remembers when she was seven that she had been playing with her friends, her mother started yelling for Julia to fix her a glass of team, and to hurry up. Julia stopped playing and went to make her the tea her mother was demanding. But she had not been quick enough that her mother started berating her telling her how lazy and stupid she was.  As Julia walk out of her mothers room her mom said, "I wished we would have never adopted you." Julia didn’t know what to say she started crying as she walked in the other room to put on a brave face in front of her friend. Julia never stopped thinking about what her mother said and felt like she meant nothing to her but a slave. About a week or so later Julia’s mother gave her a gift. Julia mom never once said I love you, or that she was sorry, she would just buy her something and thought that was all she needed to do. By the time Julia was 9 years old her mother started treating her a little better, and if she didn’t she again would just buy her something. The only good times they had together was when they went shopping. She was doing exactly what she was told to do when she was told to do it. Later on that year Julia’s mom got down in her back again and was confined to her bed. She had had surgery on her back and they had pinched her sciatic nerve. Which made her partially paralyzed at this time.  Julia's mother became very hateful, angry and demanding all the time. Her mother was given a home health nurse to help her out and to help her with her medication and just daily assistance. At one point Julia’s mother had to be catheterized four times a day to relived the pressure on her kidneys. Julia was made to learn what to do and how to catharize her own mother. Julia not only thought this was disgusting but thinking she shouldn't be seeing the parts on her mother she was seeing at nine years old. Julia had began to resent her mother for the stuff her she made her do and the way she was treated. At around ten years of age Julia began to not fit in with her friends, she had begun lying to them about things that were going on instead of telling them the truth. Julia was embarrassed about what was going on in her home and the sad thing was when her friends found out she had lied they began to not being her friend. Julia felt so bad but at the same time she didn’t want to be made fun of but it happened anyway. By the time Julia hit sixth grade she began to get bullied.  So Julia went to talk to her mom and dad explaining what was going on and how even her grade were slipping. So they made the decision to take her out of Immaculate and place her in a public school “Burns Middle school” she started there her seventh grade year, she was very nervous but excited like she would have a clean slate no one would know her. Julia was so scared that she would not make new friends and would be picked on again. Then she started making friend every one was pretty nice but at time still had people making fun of how little she was and how easily she would be to beat up. Toward the end of the school year she had this girl named Tracy that would make up lies about her and constantly make fun of her. She would threatened to beat her up no matter where she went. About a month before school was to end for the summer this girl showed up at Julia’s house, her mom answered the door and yelled that Julia's friends were at the front door.  When she went to the door she saw it was Tracy so not any of her friends. So Julia began to get mad at this girl, she would not stop making fun of her, and just would not leave her alone. Julia got into her face and told her to get off her property, but Tracy would not move Julia got her on the ground and started hitting her, when her mom came out and pulled me off of her but she got one more smack that it actually scratched her with her finger nails.

At this point Julia began to yell louder for her to leave but she just stood there. All of the sudden something came over Julia that felt like confidence and at the same time anger. Julia pouched Tracy and Tracy pushed her back then more anger came and Julia knocked her to the ground and started hitting her repeadly. Julia’s mom heard all the commotion and came out the door, told Julia to get up and then she told the Tracy to leave. Later on that evening Julia went to a football game and Tracy was there she didn’t say a word to her or even look in Julia’s direction. When her friends asked what had happened Julia told them about the fight and realized at that time she would not be picked on by her again. At some point turning the other check is simply not worth it and you have to stick up for your self as Julia did just to make it all stop. Julia still didn’t like fighting but this was what needed to happen for the bullying to stop.

That summer I was sent away to spend time with realatives, mainly because so her mother wouldn’t have to be around her. Julia pilled in a van with her aunt and a couple of cousins we headed towards Atlanta GA. Once they arrived Julia hung out with her cousins the following day she was put on a bus to Montgomery AL to spend the rest of the summer with her favorite cousin Julia called her Dot ta Dot. Julia loved spending time with her. Julia spent several summers at Dotty mothers home out in the country. Dotty had a pool in her back yard which Julia loved to swim so she spent a lot of time in it especially at night when she couldn’t sleep. They did a lot of stuff together. They even went shopping together, when they walked into this store kinda of a dimly lit stood with steps going up to the other level. Julia was on the second portion of this store and turned to walk back down the steps and she missed judged and fell. Her cousin took her to the hospital to have her ankle and foot looked at. She had sustained a bad sprain, one Julia’s father was made aware of this he wanted Julia to come home. Julia was upset because this cut her visit short, but she was put on a plane and flew back to Owensboro, KY, were she spent the rest of summer on crutches. Once school started up again she no longer had to use the crutches and her ankle had heeled up pretty good.

Once school started again everything went back as they were. Julia loved school it was so different than the private public school she had been in for several years. She knew in the back of her mind that once her eighth grade year was over her parents would send her back to the private catholic high school. So she new she had to make the best of her 8th grade year. She had a lot of friends that she spent about every waking moment together. She was doing well in school and she was on the track team and a cheerleader and she was loving it. But she worried in the back of her mind about how would it be going back into a private school with the kids who made fun of her just two years prior. Julia had it all, great friends, loved school and was doing well at home. Her mom was still in and out of pain and in and out of hospitals. She still had her days were her mom treated her badly, but she went on stayed out with friends and did what she wanted. It was a great year she went to several dances, she was doing great in track, which she loved. She could really be herself and not be this stuck up little snob that she had been most of her life.