#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders

[philosophicallie]

also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY

small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY

[violentviolette]

So I was on your fandom blog and I saw that you believe Bakugou (at least in assuming) to have ASPD. Is wondering if you could expand on that? I personally see him as NPD but I'd love to hear your side of things

first off anon bless u for being on my fandom blog that takes courage cause it’s a wicked hot mess over there lol and secondly to everyone else yes im about to spend an embarrassing amount of effort overanalyzing an anime man, no u shouldn’t apply this logic to diagnosing real people u don’t know or urself, no its not that deep but yes u can fuck right off if u wanna cry about me headcanoning ur favs with “shitty” illnesses. eat my dick.

But now down to the good shit! So I actually think bakugou has comorbid aspd/npd. But for this since u said u already see him as having npd I’ll just focus on the aspd criteria but im totally down to talk more about npd as well if u wanna. (the rest is under a cut because frankly mobile users would have drawn and quartered me otherwise)

So first im gonna go thru the dsm v criteria that are required for diagnosis that bakugou fits/exhibits (leaving out the few things that don’t pertain to him just for length and also because not every person has to fit every single criteria to qualify)

1. Significant impairments in personality as manifested by

a. identity (self esteem derived from power, pleasure, or personal gain), self direction (goal setting based on personal gratification, absence of prosocial standards and culturally normal ethical behavior)

katsukis entire sense of self is built upon his ability to “win” and to always be number one and come out on top. He absolutely cant stand to be viewed as less than that because if so, his entire sense of self begins to crumble. Part of the reason he’s so antagonistic towards Izuku in the early chapters is the fact that Izuku challenges that identity. He (unintentionally and intentionally) challenges katsuki and wont give way to him (which is the right thing to do, but we see how “well” katsuki handles that). He also doesn’t have a good sense of “prosocial standards.” katsuki has created his own internal sense of morals and values, he’s decided whats worth his time and effort based on his own opinions and not on what society deems worthwhile behavior. He’s constantly getting admonished that his attitude “isn’t that of a hero” because his values are different than the ones of the society around him. But he doesn’t care, as long as he “wins” then everythings good. And its not until he stops “winning” and his behavior begins to get in the way of his goals does he begin to realize that he has a problem.

b. impairments in interpersonal functioning as manifested by lack of empathy (lack of concern for feelings, needs, or suffering of others) and lack of intimacy (incapacity for mutually intimate relationships, use of dominance or intimidation to control others)

I could frankly write a whole essay about just this bit alone but I’ll try to condense my thoughts. So. Lets talk about katsukis lack of empathy. This boy wouldn’t know another person’s emotions if they walked up and punched him in the face. Which they do. On multiple occasions. But I digress. Katsuki is known for his shitty bedside manner, his lack of concern for the feelings of others is literally what cost him his provisional license, but aside from with Izuku (who we’ve established is a source of Baggage for katsuki and shouldn’t be counted among his normal behavior because at the start of the series they BOTH bring out the worst in one another and overcoming that is part of both of their character arcs and growth and a main theme of the damn story. Win and save. Save and win. Ahem. But again I digress) katsuki isn’t vindictive or cruel in an unnecessary way about other peoples emotions. He doesn’t use them against people, it just doesn’t occur to him that they exist. But as we see katsuki grow and begin to try and change his unhealthy behavior, we see that he’s not oblivious of others emotions in the same way todoroki is (who I headcanon as autistic along with izuku (who also has adhd), but that’s a whole nother post lol), he just doesn’t know what to do with them. He can handle things like kirishima feeling insecure, because he can logically talk to him about how strong he is to encourage and support him, but really struggles with more intimate and open forms of emotional support, like with Izuku.

He also struggles with forming prosocial bonds and friends. At the start of the series katsuki doesn’t have friends, he has lackeys he controls with intimidation and fear because he doesn’t know any other way to be. He has trust and intimacy issues and doesn’t like people getting too close to him because he feels displays of vulnerability are what makes someone weak (see those asocial morals and values we talked about earlier). After his time at UA, a few large helpings of some humble pie, and the diligent and hard work of a small group of fearless idiots (aka kaminari whose literally too prosocial for his own good and has zero self preservation instincts, and kirishima who has an endless supply of patience and understands empathy and other peoples emotions to a degree that’s baffling to me) he is able to start deconstructing that idea and realizing that u can be vulnerable and let people close to u and still be strong. That the mortifying ordeal of being known isn’t actually the worst things ever. Also that when confronted with people who aren’t actually afraid of him, he doesn’t know how else to deter them from getting close to him. The fact that none of the other kids in 1-A take katsukis shit and even go so far as to pick on him and mock him and call him out on his bullshit is a MAJOR turning point for his socialization skills.

2. pathological personality traits in the following catagories

a. antagonism, characterized by hostility (persistent and frequent angry feelings, anger or irritability in response to minor slights or insults, nasty mean vengeful behavior), callousness (lack of concern for the feelings and problems of others)

I mean. Do I even have to expand on this point? I feel like no

b. disinhibition, characterized by impulsivity (acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli, acting without a plan or consideration for outcomes, difficulty establishing and following plans), risk taking (lack of concern for ones limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger, engaging in potentially risky and self-damaging activities without regard for consequences)

this is a criteria where u have to adjust for the world these characters are living in. but even then, by hero standards, katsuki is still impulsive. His teachers are constantly admonishing him in the early series for charging headfirst into a situation, loosing himself to his emotions and anger, and letting things get the better of him because hes not taking the time to properly assess the situation, this also bleeds into katsukis inability to work with others or ask for help. He charges headfirst into a situation by himself, blows up anything in his way, and then asks questions later. His teammates are often left totally in the dark to his plans, motives, or other moves and have to just play catch up to him the entire time. In the deku vs. kacchan 1 fight we see this behavior come out in full force. He has no plan, he blows up half the building with zero regard for their goals, and leaves iida completely in the dark. Momo pointing this all out and dragging him for filth during the recap is another wakeup moment for him, having to confront the realities of his impulsive and negative behavior whereas before he was only praised for it.

so if we take a look at even just that, which is still about ¾ of the diagnostic criteria, I think u can see where this really starts to explain his personality. Katsuki is hot headed, angry, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, he gets in his own way more often than not, he struggles with prosocial behavior, making friends, and relating emotionally to others. He has a hard time comforting people and usually does so in a blunt and logical way, he isn’t great at sympathy and being soft, kind, or gentle with other people. It takes a considerable amount of effort for him to realize where his world view and his morals and goals are warped and doing him more harm than good, and he absolutely cant stand to be vulnerable or honest about his feelings with others. 

All those things, imo, as someone with aspd & npd, are what make me feel like hes a good character representation of what the complexities of living with these disorders is like. Katsuki isn’t inherently a bad person, and as we see him grow and change, we see the ways in which hes becoming better, but its still hard for him. And despite what a lot of fandom thinks, if u look at the canon, the main person katsuki hurts with his behavior is himself. And I think that’s really important because people with aspd & npd are so often catagorized as abusive villians whose only goal in life is to hurt others. Whereas with katsuki we see where these things and this kind of thinking gets in the way of his goals and ultimately hurts him. and thats what I think makes him the most relatable and makes his growth all the much more satisfying. Katsuki is both fundamentally the same and an entirely different person from when we first meet him. his personality didn’t magically completely change, hes not just a tsundere whose suddenly all mushy feely and hyper empathetic, he’s just learning how to deal with his emotions and the world and getting better at being a healthy person.

So yea, those are my thoughts! There was apparently a whole 1600 words of them so my apologies for writing u a literal dissertation on this lol I just really love this fucking character

[anneboleyns]

I saw the downton abbey movie so now here’s kind of a rambling personal essay, under a cut for spoilers for the downton abbey movie. downton abbey movie spoilers ahead.

once again SPOILERS AHEAD also tw for death, grief, suicide attempts/etc mention.

so, i know probably no one cares but considering how active i was in this fandom and how incredibly important this show and the character of thomas was to me personally, i’m just gonna sit here and write my thoughts about thomas barrow, the show, the movie, what it meant to me, and my critique overall

so basically i always loved the show and thomas but it really took off 2 yrs ago during 2017.

i had just moved out of my mother’s house and i had just finished a rewatch of the show, i remember this so clearly lol it was september 2017 the rewatch had started like june 2017. and i remember when i got to my new apartment one of the “comfort shows” i would put on on my very own tv in my very own apartment was “downton abbey”. i believe the other that was regularly tossed on in the background was “the tudors”, obviously lol

anyways, i was so hyper obsessed. i had also JUST discovered that thomas and jimmy were legitimately shipped in this fandom. i had no idea that was a real thing when i watched it live. and i had never cared about jimmy or thought of them as an actual viable relationship. but with this rewatch they just hit different i guess. i spent hours and hours and hours at my mother’s house before the move (which was an EXTREMELY tense living situation, the month or so right before i left. i’m not getting into all of it now. if you followed me back then you know) watching this show like properly sitting and watching an episode with my sister, and then capping for gifs, which if you make gifs you know is basically spending possibly 3 or 4 hours with the same episode. like it can take that long for me personally to go through it and cap everything i want, then, sorting the caps into folders, especially if i’d capped more than one episode. completely mesmerized with the smallest details, hand and facial movements i specifically wanted to gif or be in a set, clothing movements, emotional moments, like i was just so into all aspects of the show and wanted to gif everything. my fav 4 are thomas, sybil, mary, and tom. i also adore edith and it may be a “fav 5″ now as i think i just love all of those characters equally. so i pretty much giffed every single fucking scene they were in lol. unless they were “ugly scenes” that i knew i could never make work in photoshop. sometimes i would cap it anyway and sort it anyway and open it up anyway and try but would end up deleting all the caps for that set. so all the gifs i have posted, is not even all the ones i capped. anyway

okay and then, there’s the fanfic. reading it, rereading, and writing it. it took me 2 years but i actually read close to every single thomas/jimmy fanfic on a03. at some point i only started opening complete fanfics because i got burned too many times on abandoned slow burns, and if a fic wasn’t my thing i would obviously not finish it. but definitely hundreds of works i read, saved to my phone and reread in google books. works i would think about all day.

so, june 2017 i start the rewatch. i also start planning to move out of my mother’s. a toxic tense living situation. in the past i have used harsher words like “abusive”. i can’t really use that word and apply it to my mother right now even though it is accurate. it hurts to think about. i can’t think about it. september 2017 i actually move.

the hyperfixation is in full swing. hours every night reading. reading 50k word fanfics in a single night. hours every day (or, week, i have a fulltime job) capping and coloring frames in photoshop. eventually i started writing fanfic for them as well.

so, in november 2017 my mother is hospitalized. this was not an unusal occurence. in february 2018 they tell us she’s going to die. 12 days later she died.

i’m not gonna really get into what happened to my mental state. it’s uh. bad. guilt. self hatred. like hatred isn’t even a strong enough word. i wanted to annihilate myself. i believed i deserved to be annihilated. that’s the only word violent enough i can think of to describe the depth of it. suicidal. etc. whatever.

but! i had this piece of fiction, this series, and assorted fan works. it really intensified after this. i can look back at this time last year and i remember how obsessed i was lol.

when i try to articulate what this character and show means to me, i always feel really embarrassed. at some point when i’m talking about thomas it becomes obvious i am talking about myself as well. but i’m gonna really try and objectively talk about my opinion on thomas and why i adore him and why i want what i want for him. it’s probably gonna be obvious i am also talking about myself but. anyway. 

here’s the “meta” “opinion on the fictional characters” section.

thomas barrow starts the show as an antagonist. he’s rude, could even be called cruel. a bully, snide, dishonest when it suits him and honest when it hurts him. like, he’s an asshole. what he said about william’s mom. how he treated baxter. his ambition and the underhanded things he does to serve it. overall proud demeanor designed to make those around him feel lesser. feel less able to hurt him. he wants the people around him to feel like they should not hurt him. i think he might be unaware that that is his motivation. because even as he’s afraid of everyone, he craves everyone as well. he’s alone, outside, and he’s been shoved there, constantly, he’s been shoved there politely and he’s been shoved there violently and if they’re gonna shove him here outside, away from them, unfixably different from them, unworthy of them, then he will stay there. like, the meanness and the comments and the attitude. he’s already Not Like The Others. if they already don’t like him, he will make it even harder for them to like him. unless, he can get somewhere safer, which is where his motivation comes in.

i just really view thomas as a character that craves safety.

he wants others to not hurt him. he wants to get from where he is to somewhere safer, somewhere up there, where it’s even less likely for people to be able to hurt him.

so, his motivations: safety, and then, there’s love.

he constantly has this world and these people implicitly and explicitly telling him he cannot love or be loved. it’s not right, it’s not natural, best case scenario is it doesn’t even exist- he’s confused, he’s sick, he’s broken, maybe they can fix it. he’s on the outside, remember, and he just gets to watch thru the window as the others dance and fall in love and have friends and family and be cherished. he can have none of it. this is a really old story that could be told by better people and in a better way.

the loves we get to see him have all have teeth. he’s betrayed by one lover and then abandoned, someone he obviously had feelings for but also betrayed first. then we get a probably one-sided attraction, but still a friend, still someone he can actually be vulnerable with since they’re helplessly vulnerable with him as well due to the circumstances. who kills himself. and then there’s the shameless, stupid hope that almost costs him everything, but he does get a friend in the balance.

he finds a friend in baxter, another character i just adore, because she gives to thomas what he needs even though he objectively does not deserve it, at least not from her, who he has terrorized. baxter’s trauma from her abusive relationship with coyle that thomas knows and uses, the impossible situation thomas places her in, the manipulation, the bullying, some would even term his behavior abusive. baxter would have had every right to ignore thomas, to get him fired, to hurt him back. but she loves him instead. she loves him in spite of. she loves him because. she helps him, she speaks to him softly and kindly. she tells him he’s brave. she remembers him as a child. this especially touches me. the idea of thomas as a child, someone who must have been different from who he is now, and she knows them both and loves him. she looks at the grown, hurt, cruel man in front of her and she speaks to the boy she once knew, and thomas listens. slowly. but he listens. AND she tries to give him advice for finding a lover, supporting and encouraging something the rest of the entire fucking series despises or ignores.

i don’t have enough energy to really go off but, baxter is supreme. i need a baxter.

thomas clearly cannot form self esteem in the environment he lives in. the ground is dead. he can’t grow it himself. he has this ironclad sense that he deserves what the others have, the ones on the inside. it’s immovable. he deserves it, they have no right to keep it from him. maybe he’ll never, ever get it, but in his mind, in his heart, he will never stop believing he deserves it. they tell him he’s nothing, he’s dirt, he’s wrong, and he just nods and keeps walking. they can think that. they can say that. he can’t stop them. but he will not stop working for the future he wants. he will not stop until they have no choice but to let him inside.

but he wants, i think, for them to invite him inside. but he’ll never admit it, and he’ll never ask for it, and he’ll never get it anyway.

so, he tries to change himself. maybe they’ll invite him in then? no.

then, his attempts to form friendships get twisted, and aborted, and he gets tired stereotypical accusations thrown on him.

then, he tries to kill himself in a bathtub with a razor.

then, he leaves his home and spends his days bored and unchallenged and away from all of the friends and half-friends he had.

then, he’s invited back. he’s invited inside!!!! you might say. and yeah i guess. as close as they’ll ever let him. but part of him always ignored and not commented on. part of him always raised eyebrows at i’m sure. and yes, his bad behavior is also to blame for this. but see, the 2 are linked. and you can’t unlink them.

by the end of the show the others still largely tiptoe around him. but due to his now somewhat subdued behavior he’s “likable” now.

i think it’s quite a choice to have this character who is completely sharp edges have them worn away by heartbreak, torture, injury, suicide attempt, ostracisation, abandonment, and present that as a victory, as a happy ending. but guess what? it is. and i’ll take it. he was back among his friends, back home, accepted, celebrating with everyone else, and i adored it, even as the jarring notes i heard in it won’t ever fade from my opinion of it.

anyway, in the aftermath of my grief i fell heavily into this story and the many stories of thomas finding love and safety. and healing, and friends, and peace. lots different from each other and lots the same. again, i relate very strongly to this character. i was not in a mindset where i was able to be kind to myself. or think sympathetically about myself. i think i fixated so much on this character, became obsessed with finding stories where he gets told and he experiences all the things i think i wanted to be told and i wanted to experience. i couldn’t accept it, even the concept, directly. but i devoured and absorbed a billion pixels of a character very similar to me accepting it. it’s the closest the concept could have gotten to me and i’m embarrassed i only recently realized this link and that that was what i was doing considering it is obvious, and common, and normal. maybe not “healthy” but like. let’s not get into healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms rn bec i promise you the fanfic and the fiction fixation is not even at the top of the list lol

FAST FORWARD it’s september 2019. the movie is in theaters.

my mom is still dead. but. a lot has happened to me. i have happened to some people. i’ve been thru some more things now. dipped my toes and eventually completely submerged and perhaps am drowning in the entire Romance/Love/Sex section of human experience. again, let’s not get into it. but it’s a LOT. 

i don’t quite have the same relationship with fiction and fanfiction as i used to. it’s been only 2 years since leaving my mother’s house, but i feel as though galaxies could fit in between the girl back there and the one here. but they’re the same! i’m working on understanding that. 

i love this character and this show so much. i loved the film. there are problems- the writing and plotting is not nearly as neat and crisp and sharp. it’s more smooth, almost to a loss of definition, and instead of quick-wit it feels just... fast. there’s no time to really dive in in a film, so i’ll forgive all that, but it’s a flaw that should be mentioned. but it’s not a flaw that prevents joy in the film. i was overjoyed watching it. the things i wanted for thomas all happened. all the characters and relationships were... smoothed, i can’t describe it any other way. i feel like the bumps and corners and quirks and hidden pockets of them were just smoothed away. we know they’re there because we watched the show, but the film doesn’t- can’t- show them all. 

it was frustrating for me to see thomas smoothed in this way, but also satisfying, because while he absolutely one of a kind, unique, damaged, and layered, and contradictory, really a marvelous character and well-built... he is just like everyone else. and i think he would love and hate that and i love and hate that about myself.

for this reason, i really enjoyed a scene where he refuses to help carson. carson is flustered and overworked, in a crisis, and asks barrow for help, and thomas refuses, with a smile. i adored it. carson is one of thomas’ worst ... opponents, i could say. carson hurls homophobic abuse at and about thomas several times during the series, casts aspersions on him in the film as well, and he can choke. i love that even though towards the end of the show and yes during the rest of the film thomas’ sharp edges got smoothed away, but they put this one in and it catches you right on the bone how it should- an older woman in my theater actually gasped, offended, when thomas refused to help and carson was left to flounder. i, on the other hand, thought, “that’s my boy,” and leaned back in my seat satisfied. it might be my fav moment in the film. surprising considering the AMAZING joy and tenderness thomas gets to experience in the movie (but, i think that’s just my taste right now due to a personal heartbreak i won’t get into). like, they shoved him outside, carson shoved him outside, outside the realm of normal, and this is a moment of carson needing his help and thomas going, “no, remember how you used to treat me? remember how you secretly think of me? i do. i won’t forget. good luck! bye!” and then goes on to have a terrible wonderful adventure, while someone funny and kind finally falls in love with him, he gets to stand up for himself to the crawleys in the beginning of the film as well and i just felt elated watching that scene.

i could probably write essays about the love and romance portion of his storyline in the movie. but i’m just not in the headspace to do that right now super in depth but.

i’m also annoyed he had to experience yet ANOTHER homophobic plotline. he goes out to a gay club for literally The First Time and gets arrested and called a dirty pervert. i remember this being my exact fear for the movie. like “imagine if thomas goes to a gay club and gets arrested? that would suck!!!” and that is exactly what happens. but at least it’s so quick, i genuinely think that entire plot is like 6 short scenes max. why is julian fellowes obsessed with having this character, the ONE main queer character, suffer solely because he is gay? experience so many gay-specific agonies, the depths of which i just really doubt he, fellowes, can understand. it’s really, really, disappointing. but consistent as the show did this as well. smh. at least he gets out, and his lover, richard, goes to bat for him in this movie TWICE!!!!! and stares at him with stars in his eyes, soft and enamoured? while thomas is oblivious?? I’VE READ THIS FIC BEFORE!!!! so yes that was VERY cute and all i ever fucking wanted

it’s just funny how fiction touches us differently depending on what we’re going through, especially for those of us that were lonely, neglected, children, ones who grew up with favorite characters instead of friends. i might be more “normal” i might be more “sociable” i might have more “life experience” than i used to but this fangirl inside is just not going anywhere.

this was just a ramble, i wrote it with no point in mind and i’m not rereading or editing it lol. enjoy this vague update into my life/movie review/character meta lol

[socialoutsiderwritings]

Like Hell

 Pairings: Mutant!Reader x Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: FemxFem , Reader death

Based off this prompt

 Natasha had never met someone like you. And even though Fury had told her what to expect she thought he was just messing with her. You enrolled in to SHIELD Academy after finding out about your skills. You wanted to apply them to good use and what better place than SHIELD , you thought. Your surpassed every agent they threw you at. May , Hill , Coulson , Ward you name them. Fury was impressed , but he had one more person in mind he wanted you to go up against. You were in the middle of the training room , stretching out on the mat when walked in. Natasha eyed the other agents that were gathered around. Word got out Widow was going to break in the new recruit and apparently they wanted to be there to witness it. 

 “Y/N.” Fury called. You glanced up from stretching your hamstrings. Natasha noticed your bright yellow eyes immediately. ��This is Agent Romanoff.” he gestured towards her.

 You smiled brightly and pushed yourself up off the mat. “Wow. Black Widow.” You gushed. “It’s a pleasure.” You wiped your hands down on your workout pants and held your hand out for her to shake. She gave you a tight smile and short handshake. You didn’t take it to heart tho. You’ve heard enough about Black Widow , she was all business when it came down to it. “Shall we?” You gestured towards the mat.

 “Good luck , Romanoff.” Fury patted her back , before stepping off the mat. The other agents gave you two enough space. Natasha’s pose was straight and collected , while you kept yourself low as the two of you circled around the mat. One of the agents hollered for the both of you to get a move on. You ignored him and kept your eyes on your target. Natasha was focused , not bothering to turn back and glare at the man no matter how annoyed she was at him. You both were waiting for the other to make the first move. 

 “Ok.” You sighed to yourself. You fixed your posture and stood straight , letting Natasha come at you and make the first move. She wasted no time , she ran towards you she spun around in a roundhouse kick and you easily grabbed her ankle , blocking her hit. 

 The agents watched in amazement how the two of you easily blocked the other’s hits , how flexible your bodies were , how gracefully you flipped over each other dodging the other’s attacks. Natasha shot Nick a quick look. You missed the way he shrugged and muttered a quick , “Told you she was good.”

 “Is that your power? Mimicking fight patterns?” She tried to throw you off guard.

 You only chuckled and shook your head. “I’m saving that for later. But you can give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.” You teased. She did’t seem to like that. She ran at you , face full of determination. You let her get you in her signature move and used your powers before you even hit the mat. 

 “What the hell?” Natasha gaped as she looked around. “Where’d she go?” She didn’t see you coming , you teleported above her , landing on her shoulders and swinging yourself down flipping Natasha forward and on her back. You tightened your thighs around her , just enough so she can still breath. The crowd ‘oooo’ed’ as Natasha tried to break free from your grasp. 

 “Give up?” You smirked.

 “Like...hell.” She forced out. She kicked her legs up and you leaned further back to avoid her from grabbing you with her legs. 

 “Tap out , Natasha.” Fury called to her. She struggled again before eventually tapping your knee three times. There was a scatter of applause and disappointed sighs from the other agents. “Get back to work.” Fury barked at them. 

 You stood up and held your hand out to help Natasha. “No hard feelings?” She glanced at your hand then back at you , contemplating. You offered her a small smile. 

 “None.” She eventually said as she grabbed your hand. “I won’t go so easy on you next time tho.” She joked. 

 “Wouldn’t expect anything less.” 

 Over the 3 years of working together you and Natasha grew closer than the two of you thought possible. You were constantly paired together on missions and easily accomplished them with Natasha’s skill and your power. You’ve grown very protective of one another. You worried when she went off on a mission without you , just as she worried for you. 

 Your heart dropped when Nick called you and told you he’d lost contact with Natasha and her team. He had sent them to Austria after a surge of strange activity popped up on their radar. You went back to SHIELD headquarters where Nick briefed you about the mission , the facility and who you were up against. He offered you a team , but you kindly declined not wanting to put anymore agents’ lives in danger. 

 You landed the quinjet just on the outskirts of the facility hidden within the forest. You examined the building from afar. There was a huge concrete wall surrounding the entire facility and no signs of hostiles. You couldn’t say the same for what awaited behind the wall. You were able to see where you were going whenever you teleported the other times , but you can feel the walls were thick in this facility making it hard for you to ‘see’ where you were going.

 You took a deep breath and just pictured Natasha. You didn’t know if just picturing her would work but you had to give it a try. Another deep breath and you were ready. 

 When you opened your eyes you were inside the facility , you were light headed and nauseous , something you never felt before when you used your power.

 “What the hell? What is that?” The whispered voices came from behind you. You slowly turned around and noticed the 5 frightened agents, except for the one face you longed to see.

 “Y/N?” Your eyes shot towards the corner of the room. Natasha slowly stood up. You tried to take a step but you didn’t have the energy to even lift your leg up off the ground. She rushed towards you and caught you before you could fall. “Are you ok?” She kept her voice low.

 You could only shake your head in response. Another agent came to your aid and helped Natasha drag you towards the small bed and sat you down. “Where are we?”

 “They shoved us in this small cell. Took all our weapons and communication devices.” Natasha explained. “These...things..they’re not human. We couldn’t fight them off.” 

 “They come in here and take one of us every several hours. The ones they take , they never come back.” One of the agents sobbed. Another agent comforted him and tried to keep him quiet.

 “It’s gonna be ok.” You reassured them. “The quinjet is not far from here. We can all make it  , you just need to listen to me.” You stood up from the bed slowly. Natasha held her arms out to catch you just in case. “I can teleport us all out of here. But the walls are thick , it makes it hard for me to see and it drains me to even get thru one inch of it. I’m gonna take us all out but you have to keep each other close. If you let go , there’s a chance they’ll be lost and I won’t be able to find them. Nothing will.” You explained as you walked over to the group.

 “Y/N. You just said it’ll drain you.” Natasha joined you. “There’s gotta be another way. We’ll break out of this cell and fight our way out.”

 “Nat , if I take us out one by one then there’ll be no way I would even be able to take the rest out. I’d pass out after the second person.We don’t even have weapons to fight those things. You even said you couldn’t fight them off. We have one chance and one chance only.” You reached over to grab her hand and gave it a small squeeze. “This is the only way.”

 She looked to you and then at the other agents. “Ok. But we can’t just leave without destroying the place. Do you have a comms?” 

 “Yeah?” You answered , tho it came it out more of a question. 

 “Get me out of this cell. I can find my way to the control room , if they even have one and blow this place to hell.”

 “Like hell!” You argued. She quickly covered your mouth and looked out the cell door. She slowly removed her hand when the coast was clear. “Nat ,now way. We’ll all go! Together.”

 “Y/N you didn’t see those things. You didn’t see what they have planned. It’s not what Fury thought. I’ll find a way to communicate with you so you can find me. But I’m not leaving this place in one piece.” You opened your mouth to argue with her but by the look on her face , you knew she already had her mind set on her plan. And no amount of arguing was going to change her mind. 

 “Fine,” you gave up , you let out a sigh and looked at the other agents , “hold hands. As tight as you can. Don’t let go. I need you all to focus on one thing and one thing only. Got it?” There were a scatter of yeses and they did exactly as you instructed. You turned back to Natasha. You envied how she kept such a straight face , even as you were breaking inside. 

 “Just come with us.” You whispered , knowing your voice would fail you. She grabbed on to both of your hands. She nodded her head and you knew what that meant. You teleported the both of you outside of the cell.

“Clear,” she announced as she looked down both directions. “Alright go get out of here.”

 “Nat.” You grabbed her hand , stopping her from running off. Your heart pounded in your chest , you didn’t want her to go , not without telling her. “Be careful.” You said instead. She only smirked and ran off. You teleported back to the agents. You grabbed the hands of the two at then end and connected the circle. “Hold tight.”

 You collapsed on to the ground as soon as you made it out. “Is everybody out?” You asked thru heavy breaths as you struggled to stand up. They each sounded off , “Good. Get to the quinjet.” You pointed ahead of you , keeping your head low. One of them helped you up and dragged you towards the quinjet. Once safe inside they all scattered within the jet , re-hydrating and finding the emergency food. “Has she reached out?” Your strength was coming back, slowly but surely. You made your way towards the pilot seat and started using the scanner.

 “Nothing yet. But it looks like if we don’t get this thing in the air they’ll blow us from where we sit.” He pointed ahead back at the facility. An army of huge green and blue beings were lining up on top the concrete wall with weapons you’ve never seen before.

 “Aliens? Are you fucking kidding me?” You groaned. “We’re not leaving Natasha.” Just then static came thru the scanner along with what you recognized as Natasha’s voice. “Nat? I’m here? Where are you?” 

 “I’m--control---explosives--” 

 “Nat. You’re getting cut off. What? Explosives?”

 “cont- room - under- ground-” She cut off. You tried again but the scanner went dead silent again.

 “Nat!” You slapped the thing. You stood up and paced the small area , thinking of a plan. Everyone watched you as you paced back and forth muttering to yourself. “Ok,” You finally came up with a conclusion, “I’m going back in. Give me 15 minutes. If not’s not back here by then,” you let out a heavy sigh , “take off.”

 “Wait what about you?” The agent in the pilot seat asked.

 “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get her out. Just wait for her. Got it?” You gave him a stern glare. He nodded in response. “If they start shooting. Shoot back.”

--

 You pressed your back against the wall as two green creatures ran down the other side.  There was more activity than before and that worried you. You didn’t know where you going but you teleported your way deeper in to the facility remembering Nat saying something about underground. Your vision was blurry , the deeper in to the facility using your power , the worse you felt. You rounded the corner slamming in to someone who was running as well , the blow knocking you both down.

 “Don’t shoot!” You yelled , holding your hands up when Natasha pointed one of her guns at you. She withdrew her gun and jumped up , pulling you up to your feet. “We have to go now. Before-” The alarms went off and something outside shook the whole facility. “Before that.” You pointed to the ceiling.

 “We have a bigger problem.” She started down the hall , glancing around the corner before motioning you to follow. “These things they rigged the whole damn place to blow. And not just blow. But bring the whole thing down in to the ground.” 

 “Wait like-” Shots went off and you ducked for cover.

 “Like we’ll literally be in a crater if we don’t get the hell outta here now.” She said thru gritted teeth as she emptied out her mag. She tossed the thing aside , muttering profanities under her breath. She noticed you struggle to get up on your feet , “how you feeling? Did you use your powers to get down here?I told you I was going to contact you when I was ready.” She threw one of your arms over her shoulders to keep you up.

 “Connection was weak. I was worried.” You defended yourself.

 “There’s 5 levels of explosives beneath us. First one will go off causing a domino effect. We have about 5 minutes before it goes off. Can you do it?” She looked down at you. You nodded and took a deep breath.  She pulled you both aside for cover as shots went off. “How far up did we go? Can you tell?” She yelled over the flying bullets.

 “One” you panted , “One floor? Maybe?” The sound of the shots were getting closer. Natasha was thinking as fast as she could for a solution but she knew even she was outmatched. 

 “God , they don’t seem to run out of ammo.” 

“Nat.” You breathed. She gave you a quick glance and turned away. “Nat.” You cupped her face and made her look at you. “Do you trust me?” She narrowed her eyes at you. 

 “No.” She shook her head in realization , “I know what you’re thinking.-”

 “Nat. They’re getting closer and we’re running out of time.”

“I’m not gonna leave you here alone.”

 “Well I’m not giving you a choice. It might work and it might not. I won’t lie to you..I’ve never tried it. So , do you trust me?”

“Like hell.” She answered. 

 “Do- do you love me?” You finally worked up your courage.

Her face softened and her hands came up to hold your face as well , “yes,” she murmured , “like hell.” She let out a soft chuckle , if you were going to die at least now you’d go happy knowing she felt the same way. 

 “Close your eyes.” You spoke softly. She did so and you slowly leaned in and placed a kiss on her lips. You were surprised when she pulled you closer , but you didn’t let that make you lose focus. You pictured her out of there , you pictured her safe on the quinjet heading home , you pictured her happy. And that was all it took. You heard the explosion , you felt the ground shake and crumble beneath you. But that didn’t matter , what mattered to you before you went was that Natasha was safe and she told you she loved you.

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[kimberleeambernicole]

I was on strike but...

I was extremely anti-tumblr after this adult content banning but now I need to vent. And I need it to go somewhere where the people I live with won’t see it.

My living environment DISGUSTS me. I am 8 months pregnant and terrified to bring a new-born into this apartment. I am far from some “OCD clean freak” however when my ex lived with me I became a much cleaner person because if “he took the time to clean I could at least help to keep it that way”.

I live with my mother, and someone who was once one of my best friends. I recently DEEP CLEANED the kitchen and bathroom. (As well as keeping up my own room cleaning after my ex moved out - obviously my responsibility). However both “mutual territories” for lack of a better phrase have already turned back to shit. I can’t complain because the roommate doesn’t use the kitchen what-so-ever, so I don’t expect anything from him, but he uses the bathroom as much as the rest of us. As for my mother on the other hand, when I did my part I was reprimanded for throwing away things that couldn’t be sufficiently cleaned (A coffee pot covered in mold, a microwave crawling with cockroaches) after I spent all day cleaning up after the whole household. I also suggested once said items were replaced they be put away between uses so the same fate didn’t come to these new utensils, that lasted all of a few weeks.

This is a 2 bedroom aparment, my mother sleeps in the living room. The area is LITERALLY DROWNING in her dirty laundry. I’ve told her on numerous occasions how much this embarrasses me. I don’t have friends over because I don’t want them to walk through her mess. There are going to be so many people begging to come see this child! I am terrified one of them will report the living conditions as unsuitable and I’ll risk losing my child. I’ve done everything I can to keep this place clean and if you knew me at all before you could tell that just by stepping into my room, but there’s a lot of things I CANNOT do while pregnant, playing with bleach for example, and frankly I’m sick of being the only one doing anything.

I mentioned earlier I was reprimanded for throwing away a few items and I spent the next few hours IN MY CLOSET CRYING because I felt like everything I did was unappreciated. My ex found me there because he stopped by and all he said was “why do you think I stopped helping” so I’m not the only one who’s noticed her neglect. Just a few examples of my mothers excuses:

“It’s really just my laundry that’s such a mess and it costs money to do it — I can’t just go to your fathers house like you do” (seemingly petty for a woman in her 50s)

“I don’t mind washing dishes if you’ll put them away” (I’ve ended up waiting for the counters to pile with them before I give in and do them myself)

“I have my own garbage can and I take that out myself — I just leave the bag on the porch until I go downstairs next” (It’s miniature and I’ve watched it overflow before I give in and put it on the porch myself — there’s also been times there’s been up to 5 of those bags on the porch at once and I’ve taken them down myself)

Hell one of the reasons my ex gives me as to why he won’t come home is because this place is such a trashheap. I’m so so so beyond fed up with cleaning up after everyone else but I’m also absolutely terrified of bringing my baby home to this environment and if I stop how much worse will it become? My mother also likes to refer to my unborn child with all these “we” statements, I’m sorry but why would I want someone to help me take care of my child that can’t even take care of her home? She hasn’t always been like this either. Sure the kitchen got a little hectic sometimes, but it didn’t last. She told me today she’d take care of the kitchen when she got home, that didn’t happen. She’s constantly referring to us as a “team” but I feel she uses her finances to hold up her end and it’s more for pleasure than responsibilities. She suggests buying dinner out instead of buying groceries, she offers to pay for trips to the casino rather than —oh, maybe, DOING THAT LAUNDRY that “costs money”. I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to get through to her without her becoming defensive and spewing excuses. I can’t keep up cleaning after 2.5 people (I say 2.5 because the roommate really isn’t home often — only thing I feel he could help with is the bathroom) especially once I have this baby. This is my first child, I imagine labor and recovery will be strenuous on top of having a newborn at home to care for without my partner’s help. But I can’t let this place get as bad as it has been in the past either.

So anyways... rant over. If anyone actually read this far and has any advice I’d be eternally grateful. I really don’t even know what I’m asking for, tips for getting thru to my mother, suggestions on balancing cleaning and rest, anything at this point. Please!

[system-architect]

i can’t rememb if i already sent an ask but if not could u mayhaps do peej

u did send an ask which i will get to in a second but i am gonna happily do pj anyway!!

Personal

1)      Age? he’s 24 and a big shit who’s weirdly conscious about being 24 despite the fact that thats sTILL YOUNG so he lies and tells people he’s 21

2)      Gender? trans gay trans gay trans gay. he’s a very GnC trans guy who hasn’t transitioned too much bc he likes how he is

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation? gay... he’s a big gay. loves men

4)      Height? he’s 2′10″ aka min height haha pj small

5)      Race? asura and like metaphorically a fckn demon

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc). like a bush baby.......... uhhh he’s a very small lithe asura with wild ass fckn scene tier spiked up hair and his eyes are Indeed freakishly huge and he’s got sort of piebald esque markings and he’s also got spots of black pigment on his tongue and gums like some dogs do! i’m just gonna link art again

7)      Any disabilities? tbh he might have occasional breathing issues from his eye size and the constant vaping. also.. Some Stuff Happens During PoF but its not anything conventional that you might be expecting...

8)      Is there a meaning to their name? nope OOPS that one asura name generator spat it out at me actually! it stuck and i thought it was a weirdly funny name for an asura while also sounding p decent

9)      What makes them, them? he’s this image:

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? tbh his life is very stagnated atm and he’s not sure what he wants. to keep surviving, he guesses

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? he’s an orphan! his parents are unknown... he was raised in an orphanage by this very prim and proper asuran lady who was very secretly kind of a party gal on the side

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? again, orphan, so family questions are hard to answer cus he doesn’t know anything about em

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often?

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) he has A Flat up inbetween arkentia valley and magus valley in rata sum (i pretend there’s more out there than there actually is jhkfgd) which is also near where the glitch is located! it is fairly safe and he is quite fond of it, although he’s at the club most of the time

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? i just kinda answered this but he has Money honestly....... running a luxury nightclub that’s a front for your shady information trading business will do that for ya huh

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? the orphanage owner wanted all her little adoptee children to be Starlets and tried to teach them proper etiquette and get them into refined fields........... pj is successful but in the most opposite way from this possible

17)   Do they have pets? nope and thats probably for the better

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family?

19)   This there anything special about their family?

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? he’s constantly torn about like... the concept of having blood relatives out there [hopefully]........ he’s not sure if he wants to know about them or not, if he would’ve rather been raised by them or not. it’s alluring but scary

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)? his best friend is Kinda his ‘secretary’, kessa, who is a whispers agent plant in his club that helps him run the place in exchange for siphoning information from it. PJ is aware she’s whispers and kessa is aware he’s aware she’s whispers and they have a tentative and tense but friendly??? bond. it’s like, thin ice all the time but they’re also quite close. both her and pj are savvy and sort of take turns greasing the wheels of their various dealings; i think kessa is a bit bolder and craftier than pj and more organized oops. as far as kessa as a person, she’s a tall butch with cherry red dyed hair and she goes by the nickname ‘lucky’ due to the shamrock shaped marking over her right eye. she prefers masc looking clothing and she has a suave flirty personality with a quick wit and a snarky teasing sense of humor

22)   Who was their first friend? hgjkfdgh he’s never had many friends unfortunately. he tends to drive people away...

23)   What is their friend group like? a lot of people hang around him for general exterior motives like money and status.. not many people genuinely like him

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? like everyone................... ‘i need you but i dont like you’ etc

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? definitely a lot. he’s a very abrasive person who can get fussy and picky and two-faced

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends? alas yeah half of pjs ‘friends’ are people he wants to smooch but its in a very vapid fashion.... even w/ deeper crushes pj isnt gonna be gettin any genuine love

28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? he might drunk cry to viel or kessa and i dont think either would know what to do about it

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives? despite having shallow ‘friendships’ a lot of his self esteem revolves around popularity and being well-liked so he’d be... super crushed

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? he got like 30% of the way thru statics courses for political science and dropped out because he hated school... he was naturally savvy and talented with debate and an excellent candidate for a worthless weasel-y politician who can screw anyone over within a sentence but he just hated the whole school system and didn’t fit with it and getting into arcane politics wasn’t something he really enjoyed, it was all super backstabby but simultaneously Goody Two Shoes and he haaated it

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? he probably butted heads with all of them and hated being told what to do

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? definitely goofed off and didn’t care. he was good at stuff when he was asked to actually do stuff so why bother paying attention to boring stuff he already knows?

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise? stellar marks on very specific fields and tests and debates where the school system actually lined up with his talents but terrible marks otherwise

35)   Do/Did they need extra help? he was probably arbitrarily assigned a tutor due to his low marks but was uninterested in actually being helped and was a catty piece of shit the whole time

36)   What is/was their school like?

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school? he’s a terrible worthless rat trash man and there was probably gossip that flew around about him but he loved hunting it down and intimidating the daylights out of the people who started it. even as a child he was a notorious drama monger and tattletale so it’s kinda in his nature. pj is a literally terrible person i’m so sorry to anyone who likes him for w/e reason

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? probably not many physical ones altho he’s def been punched a few times. most of his fights were probably weird high strung drama that contained a lot of passive aggression and counter-gossip and maybe some good ol fashioned blackmail

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? hard to categorize bc he’s a walking embarrassment

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back? he dropped out and has literally 0% intentions of going back ever. and not as a char development thing either-- he’s never going to want to go back even if he improves as a person. it’s not his thing

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? pj pretends he’s shallow and only wants A Good Time but a bit more under the surface he’s absolutely desperate for more genuine bonds and wants Love And Affection and pretends ppl love him when they’re makin out idk. he’s a sad sad man

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? he’s a boring egg who should probably pick up a hobby

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? what he’ll say he wants is like, more money/successful business but what he Needs is a kick in the ass to work on improving himself and to earn some friends who genuinely like him and to find a Meaning for himself

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? shady information traderrrr he deals in secrets and identities of the asuran underworld

45)   Do they use social media? probably uses asuran instagram and snapchat

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital? probably for some very dumb injuries tbh

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? again weird Q in context of gw2 but superstitions... he’ll claim he’s logical but he’s prone to suggestion wrt this stuff and a huge chicken

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? cry on bathroom floor with bottle of wine

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? i think he avoids thinking about this too in depth bc he knows he’s a bad person haha..... he’s a bit messed up atm because this doesn’t motivate him to improve despite knowing it. he’s just kinda... yeah im awful so what if you cant take the heat then get out of the kitchen

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) yeah he’s a bit representative of the time period of my life where i was overfocused on Being Hurt and wallowed a lot in my trauma and i felt i was justified in being a pretty nasty person for whatever plethora of reasons, but i was stagnating and it was all hurting me really badly even if i wasn’t ready to accept that it was hurting me. i felt a huge sense of impending doom and not knowing what to do with my life or if i’d ever get better...

[newriter101]

A Different Life - Chapter 2

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On June 28, 1970 a baby girl was born weighing in at 6lb 8oz 21" her mother was just 13 when she gave birth, and her name was Debbie, who was just a child herself. She made the ultimate sacrifice and the most courageous decision of her life, to want a better life than she could give at that time. de decided to give her baby girl up for adoption. Debby's mother Millie wanted to raise this little girl as her own, but Debbie said, no she wanted her little girl to have a better life then she could give her. She signed all rights over to Catholic Charities of Louisville, KY. With in six weeks this little baby girl was adopted to a husband and wife that could not have their own children. This was not their only adoption, they had adopted a son two years prior to that. After living in Louisville, KY for 6 more months they traveled to Owensboro their home town to live and raise two beautiful children. They immediately had there new baby christened and gave her the name Julia Michelle.

As Julia grew up she had the best time, vacation to the beach, spending time with other relatives in other states, things that a lot of Julia's friends didn't due. She had the best family a close family while her dad was around, (then why did Julia hate her mother so much?) Julia's mother always put on a front almost like she was Jeckle and Mr. Hide. in front of others she was this great mom behind closed doors she was evil. I don't use that term lightly but that is just the way she was. There was nothing that Julia did that would make her mother happy. So Julie tried to stay out of the way. She began at an early age resenting her mother for the way she was being treated. Her mom was never really physically abusive, but the way she spoke to Julia and treated her was enough to mold Julia's childhood to be verbally abusive. Julia also realized as she was getting older that her mother was never sorry for being hateful but Julia received a present each time she was mean or cruel. She didn't know how to truly love someone, because her mother died giving birth to her and her dad blamed her for the death of his wife. He would not even let her live with him and her other siblings. she had a pore childhood and turned right around and did the same thing to Julia.

In 1976 Julia was 6 years and was able to start attending kindergarten and she loved it she had many friends and she did not have to be around her mother so much. This little girl was very bubbly, sweet, loving little girl and was happy to be around kids. She did get in trouble at times because she loved to talk and she would talk to anyone. She loved learning about new things, every day was an adventure to her. One of the things she loved the most was celebrating one of her classmates birthdays, however she felt left out because most of her friends had there birthdays during the school year.  She felt left out when it came to birthdays and celebrating in class with a cake and ice cream in her class room.  Julia’s birthday was in the summer in June. So she would never celebrate during school year. Julia cooked up this plan to tell her teacher that her birthday was going to be the following Friday so when Friday came around they would have a party with cake and ice cream for her. She felt very special that day, until her teacher walked her out to the pick up line were her mother was waiting in the car.  Julia's teacher Mrs. Tucker said. “we had a party" for Julia’s birthday today and she says she was having another party this weekend at home. Her mother said, "it’s not Julia’s birthday, it not until June." So not only did Julia get in trouble when she got home but she had to go back to school and apologize to her teacher and her classmates for lying. She just wanted to be like everyone else and have a party while she was still in school. She felt so bad about lying to everyone but had been feeling left out, and didn’t feel special. Julia was very sensitive about hurting others. She was a pretty good kid, loved school and had a lot of friends and she loved her family.

The following year Julia went to Immaculate it was a private Catholic School that went from kindergarten thru eighth grade. She had a lot of fun in school her first few year, did good in her studies, but as she got older felt as though she needed more and Immaculate could give her. She was also rather smaller for her age so she got picked on a lot. Julia’s mom had gotten sick of all of it. Did not care what was going on. During the summer months Julia's mother would ship her off to a cousins house, just like she didn't want to have to deal with her. she had traveled to Kansas, Springfield, Chicago, Atlanta, Alabama, Texas and Florida.  Most of the time it was fun for her to be away from home and she saw a lot of the country this way. As I got older I joined the Swim team and playing tennis, so I would travel less on those years. Julias mom started getting down in her back so for weeks at a time she would not even get out of bed, which made her more week than she already was. As she was having more pain she became very demanding on Julia making her basically her slave or so that is what Julia thought. Julia remembers when she was seven that she had been playing with her friends, her mother started yelling for Julia to fix her a glass of team, and to hurry up. Julia stopped playing and went to make her the tea her mother was demanding. But she had not been quick enough that her mother started berating her telling her how lazy and stupid she was.  As Julia walk out of her mothers room her mom said, "I wished we would have never adopted you." Julia didn’t know what to say she started crying as she walked in the other room to put on a brave face in front of her friend. Julia never stopped thinking about what her mother said and felt like she meant nothing to her but a slave. About a week or so later Julia’s mother gave her a gift. Julia mom never once said I love you, or that she was sorry, she would just buy her something and thought that was all she needed to do. By the time Julia was 9 years old her mother started treating her a little better, and if she didn’t she again would just buy her something. The only good times they had together was when they went shopping. She was doing exactly what she was told to do when she was told to do it. Later on that year Julia’s mom got down in her back again and was confined to her bed. She had had surgery on her back and they had pinched her sciatic nerve. Which made her partially paralyzed at this time.  Julia's mother became very hateful, angry and demanding all the time. Her mother was given a home health nurse to help her out and to help her with her medication and just daily assistance. At one point Julia’s mother had to be catheterized four times a day to relived the pressure on her kidneys. Julia was made to learn what to do and how to catharize her own mother. Julia not only thought this was disgusting but thinking she shouldn't be seeing the parts on her mother she was seeing at nine years old. Julia had began to resent her mother for the stuff her she made her do and the way she was treated. At around ten years of age Julia began to not fit in with her friends, she had begun lying to them about things that were going on instead of telling them the truth. Julia was embarrassed about what was going on in her home and the sad thing was when her friends found out she had lied they began to not being her friend. Julia felt so bad but at the same time she didn’t want to be made fun of but it happened anyway. By the time Julia hit sixth grade she began to get bullied.  So Julia went to talk to her mom and dad explaining what was going on and how even her grade were slipping. So they made the decision to take her out of Immaculate and place her in a public school “Burns Middle school” she started there her seventh grade year, she was very nervous but excited like she would have a clean slate no one would know her. Julia was so scared that she would not make new friends and would be picked on again. Then she started making friend every one was pretty nice but at time still had people making fun of how little she was and how easily she would be to beat up. Toward the end of the school year she had this girl named Tracy that would make up lies about her and constantly make fun of her. She would threatened to beat her up no matter where she went. About a month before school was to end for the summer this girl showed up at Julia’s house, her mom answered the door and yelled that Julia's friends were at the front door.  When she went to the door she saw it was Tracy so not any of her friends. So Julia began to get mad at this girl, she would not stop making fun of her, and just would not leave her alone. Julia got into her face and told her to get off her property, but Tracy would not move Julia got her on the ground and started hitting her, when her mom came out and pulled me off of her but she got one more smack that it actually scratched her with her finger nails.

At this point Julia began to yell louder for her to leave but she just stood there. All of the sudden something came over Julia that felt like confidence and at the same time anger. Julia pouched Tracy and Tracy pushed her back then more anger came and Julia knocked her to the ground and started hitting her repeadly. Julia’s mom heard all the commotion and came out the door, told Julia to get up and then she told the Tracy to leave. Later on that evening Julia went to a football game and Tracy was there she didn’t say a word to her or even look in Julia’s direction. When her friends asked what had happened Julia told them about the fight and realized at that time she would not be picked on by her again. At some point turning the other check is simply not worth it and you have to stick up for your self as Julia did just to make it all stop. Julia still didn’t like fighting but this was what needed to happen for the bullying to stop.

That summer I was sent away to spend time with realatives, mainly because so her mother wouldn’t have to be around her. Julia pilled in a van with her aunt and a couple of cousins we headed towards Atlanta GA. Once they arrived Julia hung out with her cousins the following day she was put on a bus to Montgomery AL to spend the rest of the summer with her favorite cousin Julia called her Dot ta Dot. Julia loved spending time with her. Julia spent several summers at Dotty mothers home out in the country. Dotty had a pool in her back yard which Julia loved to swim so she spent a lot of time in it especially at night when she couldn’t sleep. They did a lot of stuff together. They even went shopping together, when they walked into this store kinda of a dimly lit stood with steps going up to the other level. Julia was on the second portion of this store and turned to walk back down the steps and she missed judged and fell. Her cousin took her to the hospital to have her ankle and foot looked at. She had sustained a bad sprain, one Julia’s father was made aware of this he wanted Julia to come home. Julia was upset because this cut her visit short, but she was put on a plane and flew back to Owensboro, KY, were she spent the rest of summer on crutches. Once school started up again she no longer had to use the crutches and her ankle had heeled up pretty good.

Once school started again everything went back as they were. Julia loved school it was so different than the private public school she had been in for several years. She knew in the back of her mind that once her eighth grade year was over her parents would send her back to the private catholic high school. So she new she had to make the best of her 8th grade year. She had a lot of friends that she spent about every waking moment together. She was doing well in school and she was on the track team and a cheerleader and she was loving it. But she worried in the back of her mind about how would it be going back into a private school with the kids who made fun of her just two years prior. Julia had it all, great friends, loved school and was doing well at home. Her mom was still in and out of pain and in and out of hospitals. She still had her days were her mom treated her badly, but she went on stayed out with friends and did what she wanted. It was a great year she went to several dances, she was doing great in track, which she loved. She could really be herself and not be this stuck up little snob that she had been most of her life.