#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more

[fics-lovebot]

seventeen fic recs pt. 2

main masterlist - pt. 1

· ♡ · · tysm to the amazing creative minds of the writers for giving me sevaral moments of joy reading your creations

these are my personal favs, so pls reblog if you like any of my recs❤️

coffee talk - ( @wqnwoos ) fluff, coworker!vernon, work romance au, jwhhxsjxsjd cutee

bias - ( @wooahaes ) fluff, slice of life, vernon idol!au, you make the cats choose their svt bias, IT SO WHOLESOME :((((((((

mr. nice guy - ( @toruro ) smut, next door neighbor!joshua au, I HATE HIM skfffkjs this got me blushing and shit, he cosplays as a gentleman but he´s actually just a flirty nasty mf

confession - ( @nonranghaes ) bf!shua, fluff, slice of life, this is so cute sldfjshldjfkh

You Know What They Say About Men With Big Feet - ( @hansols-yoda-boxers ) smut, big feet, big nose, big muscles and a big dicc YUPPPPPP, seokmin has it ALL

2am conversations - ( @wqnwoos ) bf!jeonghan, slice of life, “what if crabs think that fish can fly?” “angel, it’s two in the morning,” sdkhfksb it´s cute :(((( so domesticc

the long way - ( @trblsvt ) model!jeonghan, staff!reader, UGGHHDSLHFLSKH i love this, he´s so confident and lowkey straight forward

tinted windows - ( @duhnova ) smut, ceo!hannie, panty ripper,, literally, car sex, “sir you have a meeting in twenty minutes.” “fuck that stupid meeting, i have more important things to be doing right now.” IT´S GOOD YALL

poker match - ( @hoshifighting ) smut, sub!hannie, dom!reader, famous poker player!jeonghan, famous poker player!reader. he finally meets his match in every way. I LOVEEEDDD this, it´s such a fresh concept

night time questions - ( @wqnwoos ) bf!jeonghan, fluff, LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEE THIS IS SO CUTEEE :(((( had me giggling and crying at the same time

drunk and in love - ( @97-liners ) fluff, wasted!hoshi, him in his tiger patterned-shirt, asdkjasdh he´d deff be like this, he rants about how wonderfull you are to whoever got ears, so cute

lollipops and candy bars - ( @hansols-yoda-boxers ) smut, sub!hao, reader loves to tease, cute and innocent looking reader, hao needs help lmao, "Well, I finished off my lollipop a while ago, do you have anything else I could suck on?” SKLHDLFJHKLDJ wow

clingy - ( @tomodachiii ) hubby!gyu x pregnant!reader, fluff. so you want me to kms,,THIS IS THE FLUFFIEST PIECE I´VE READ THIS WEEK (っ °Д °;)っ ilysm

sweater paws - ( @duhnova ) smut, virgin!jeonghan. yeah so i fucking love this :D literally one of the best smut pieces out there fr, so so detailed

bad girls make good boys cry - ( @duhnova ) smut. virgin!joshua. pleeeassseeeee this is so gOODD, "first of all, you rode me till i cried" IKTR!!

reaction to their s/o appearing on going seventeen - ( @welcometomyoasis ) fluff, crack. LMAOOO i loved this sm

them accidentally ditching you on your bday - ( @hannieehaee ) angst, idol!ot13 if you know me you know i´m a wHORE for an angsty fic, it just hits a certain spot on my brain idk, and this is IT, i loved both parts

menace - ( @hannieehaee ) fluff, simp!jeonghan, when you´re the only one who can deal with him. mannn why is mingyu always the target lmao

fake dating? - ( @hannieehaee ) crack, fluff, suggestive, bff to lovers. nahhh this was too funny lmao, poor vernon

whipped - ( @gi4hao ) FLUFF, bf!wonu. this is so wHOLESOME and ihateit (not) :((((( plssssss its so cuteee

when you call them by their name - ( @emocheol ) sdkhskdhf this is too good, no them panicking

12:31 am - ( @hoasvuon ) bf!jeonghan, fluff. so...i´m so in love :´)

leave your message after the beep - ( @shuaraes ) angst, ex-bf!minghao, the way this is written,, how tf doesn´t it have at leAST 1000 notes??? its crazy!

[hippolotamus]

Way More Than Seven Sentence Sunday

Tagged by the lovely and talented @kitteneddiediaz @tizniz @diazsdimples @spotsandsocks @inell @wikiangela Be sure to check their works!

IDK this has been rolling around in my brain since I first heard Casual. Sooo… 🦴 🍎 🦷

“C’mon, Luce,” Nat teases from the driver’s seat, poking Lucy’s thigh. “I play personal taxi and can’t even get a tour? Guess I need to up my game.”

Lucy rolls her eyes. Hopefully it’s more annoyed than fond. Honestly, Natalia could ask for a million things and Lucy would readily give them. At least, she wants to. She wants to want to. But that involves levels of vulnerability Lucy plans to keep locked up tighter than Diaz’s Catholic guilt.

“Your game’s fine, Dollenmeyer. I’ll show you around.” Lucy grabs her work bag and exits the car before Nat can gloat and kiss her about it.

Kinard and Thompson are chatting over coffee in the hangar, while Lee checks over the equipment in one of the birds.

“Well, if it isn’t my little ray of sunshine,” Kinard chirps, flashing his stupid, dazzling lovesick smile. God, Buckley’s got him so whipped. She’s happy for them but Jesus Christ. “And who do we have here?”

Tommy, ever the gentleman and charmer, takes Nat’s offered hand. “Tommy Kinard. One of Lucy’s favorite teammates,” he says with a wink.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard about you!”

“This is Nat. Natalia,” Lucy interjects. “We were hanging out and she very nicely agreed to drop me off since my car’s in the shop.”

Beside her, Nat stiffens. Tommy raises an eyebrow, shooting a knowing look at Lucy.

This. This is why she tried to resist Nat’s offer and insisted an Uber would be fine. Because Lucy knows she’s fucked up. Knew she would before it happened. What’s worse is Tommy knows — or highly suspects — she fucked up. He was in the closet too long, and with too many shitty partners, to not see right through her. He’s going to give her hell about this.

“Uh, yeah,” Nat agrees, barely hiding the way her voice is trembling. She drops Tommy’s hand and clutches her purse tighter. “So, uh, gonna take a raincheck on that tour. Maybe another time. Nice to meet you.”

Nat doesn’t run back to the car but she may as well. She doesn’t look at Lucy once. Not with anger or sadness or disappointment. Not at all. Lucy bites the inside of her cheek and watches her go despite the desperate clawing thing in her chest that wants Nat to stay. Now. Forever maybe.

She hikes her bag up on her shoulder, turning to walk toward the locker room, only to be met with Tommy still there. His arms are crossed and he doesn’t look at her with any judgement. It would be better than the almost pitying, understanding expression he’s wearing.

“What, Kinard?” She bites out, staring past him. “I have to change for my shift. Just- say it already.”

He watches her a moment longer, rolling his lips in, assessing. “Do I even have to?”

“I have to change for my shift,” she says again, biting her bottom lip, hard. Because she’s not going to get upset about this now. Just like she’s not going to think about waking up this morning, for the very first time, to Nat sleeping beside her, hair sprawled across the pillow while sunlight painted her bare back. How it made Lucy ache.

Tommy sidesteps, making a sweeping gesture to let her know she’s free to go anytime. She nods tightly, unable to meet his gaze as she passes.

“Y’know, I kinda wanted to hate her,” Tommy starts. Because he’s a bastard that way. She hates him. Hates him so fucking much for it that she loves him for being so goddamn forgiving and thought provoking. She swears he went to the Bobby Nash School of Life Advice and Mentoring.

She stops, but doesn’t turn around.

“Evan said nice things about her. Decent things anyway. Admittedly, I wasn’t crazy about why she was into him. But he didn’t have anything terrible. Being his first- I felt a little nervous and wanted to find something. Anything about the people in his past. You know how it can be with exes. Gets messy sometimes.” He pauses, probably sipping his lukewarm coffee. “And then they just- I don’t know, surprise the hell out of you in an unexpected way.” Another pause. “Don’t worry. I won’t hold you up anymore.”

His footsteps echo across the hangar, growing quieter. Lucy tightens her death grip on her bag and marches to the locker room. When she gets there, if she turns on the showers so she can cry in peace, that’s between her and the ancient tile and god.

np tagging @actuallyitsellie @diazheartsbuckley @weewootruck @saybiwithme @bidisasterevankinard @dangerpronebuddie @theotherbuckley @stereopticons @daffi-990 @your-catfish-friend @thekristen999 @filet-o-feelings @underwaterninja13 @rainbow-nerdss @steadfastsaturnsrings @honestlydarkprincess @exhuastedpigeon @jesuisici33 @dr-shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @dorkydiaz @bi-buckrights @elvensorceress @bucksbiawakening @giddyupbuck @beyourownanchor6 @lemonzestywrites @monsterrae1 @statueinthestone @slightlyobsessedwitheverything @the-likesofus @thewolvesof1998 @watchyourbuck @shipperqueen6 and anyone else who wants to 😘

[danmei-hot-takes]

I hate the popularity of meatbun and mxtx in West. In my opinion, as writers, they are the weakest. Priest, MXS, Feitian are so much better (I'm sad some of their books are criticized for being less cough cheap cough romance) - people always choose more easy, juvenile writing than better quality books - more educated, harder to understand, probably not cool enough idk, which is ok but sad, but the fandom of these two writers is so crazy - calling trashy books masterpieces is an insult to real authors. Meatbun has absolutely no idea what a stable, consistent character is - flip flop personality how she needed for the plot and "development", deux ex machina🌸, using past of the characters for sobbing purpose - no matter how tragic, does not change a normal thinking person's opinion of the character or make up for what he did and as for the plot, what plot? People are making it into some deep story about redemption but honestly it's a typical trashy toxic yaio with rape and soap opera type scene and behaving. That scene with those stairs was so overly melodramatic it was ridiculous. like how am I supposed to take this seriously, this is not how normal racional person would act, but kinda yes, Meatbun is technically great at what she writes, but the fans are making it into something it's not, some poetic deep intelectual shit, NO it's just an ordinary Mexican-quality soap opera with a terrible messy plot, overacting actors, a dysfunctional funny relationship that can't solve anything normally btw my favorite was Cuando seas mía from 2001, super popular, but no one made a super intelligent deep story out of it, we just enjoyed it for what it was - shallow, stupid but fun. just for to turn off brain I think even the author herself didn't think much about any deeper meaning when writing and it shows, not to mention that webnovels overall are fast foods for entertainment, nothing deep, and that China has its own serious LITERARY books. Are people afraid to admit they're reading the equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey in a Chinese xianxia package? and thats the same reason why it's so popular

I LOVE FEI TIAN YE XIANG!!! I’m so hoping his popularity picks up in the English speaking danmei fandom after his Seven Seas takeover. I’ve only read Guardian and the first vol of Stars of Chaos but would also agree Priest is amazing. Honestly I think Guardian does the same tropes as Tgcf a million times better. I adored it and the Mountain Spirit is the only time so far I’ve been completely enamoured with an extra, rather than being bored or tapping out.

I’ve had Thousand Autumns on my kindle since I started reading danmei, the description really vibed with me, but I got put off because everyone talks down the romance of it so much.

With Mxtx I am here with you. Any time I run a poll on main, if an mxtx character features they will absorb all the votes - even when it makes no sense! (Lan Wangji had no right to come third in a smut poll. Mxtx’s smut is not good.)

Anyone who’s followed me for a while will probably have noticed that I’m ride or die for Meatbun, however I do agree with you to an extent. I adore her because I’m an old school bl fan and she’s peddling top tier toxic yaoi (ignoring yuwu) and I think some people don’t clock that and try and treat it like some literary thing. Like the amount of times I’ve read things where they say Meatbun doesn’t romanticise sexual abuse when that’s her absolute jam is mind boggling. People say Bing a Ben isn’t as literary as her other works but honestly, I think it’s her at her best, doing what she loves.

That being said, saying trashy novels can’t be masterpieces is a bit snobbish. Like they can be bloody good at what they do. Also people can get way judgy about consuming BL and danmei is the easiest to dress up as something else. People just be out on the bus reading Chinese fantasy 😉

(I say this as someone who’s read r rated lezhin webcomics in the dentist waiting room)

[goatgoesmbe]

as someone who has a lengthy list of standards, i’ll give my two cents for turn-offs:

01. poor hygiene. my ex brushed his teeth once a day. and i survey people’s personality from teeth alone. LMAO. safe to say his breath was rancid some days and he would never brush twice even if i begged. (why did i stay with him? idk)

02. star wars. idk why. my ex was really into it, and believe me i dabble in a lego set here and there, but i just can’t find a liking towards it. my ex ruined it for me lol.

03. lack of maturity. which is crazy coming from me because i still have the brain of an 18 y/o. i don’t mind jokes. i don’t mind silly. it gets to a point when it fucks up communication. not that i don’t mind childish, i do mind when they refuse to speak because they’re petty and want to give me the silent treatment.

04. honestly mixes with 03. but having no sense of humor. laugh at my jokes! say i’m funny! because i’ll laugh at their jokes and say they’re funny! if they’re gonna give me a straight face after i was so sure i’d make them laugh, my social battery—and admiration—is dying on the spot.

05. being rude to servers, staff, minimum wage workers, etc. be nice to people in food service! give servers tips! they live off of those! if i don’t see tips, or if they’re being mouthy over a mistake on their order, i’m turned off.

06. believe me, i will always be there for one with mental health issues. but if they make a big deal out of it, boast about it, without even considering help from a professional or therapist? nah. i don’t want all of that to be dumped on me. i’ll help, yes! if they can’t find help, i’ll help them! if they need someone to talk to, i’ll listen! but if they say no to every possible option, no way. (speaking for myself as one that’s recovering from depression, eating disorders, and bouts of self-deprication.)

07. i’m in no way trying to be offensive here, but people who are religious. i absolutely respect your views, but i’m agnostic. i just see agnostic x religious relationships to be one of the hardest to maintain. much love to those who’re respectful to agnostic and atheist people. i’ll always return the respect to you. <3

08. having a bad reaction to the word “no”. enough said.

09. not being open to try new things. this can have many meanings to it, lmao.

10. when they make you look stupid in front of friends and/or family. i hate being humiliated negatively. like. dude. 😭

11. last but not least, tying to 10. when their family doesn’t accept me. another ex thing. his mom hated me because he was her mama’s boy. she hated that he gave me more attention. she got his whole family to hate me besides his grandpa and his girlfriend. lmao. shoutout papa.

kinda went a bit overboard and personal but hey. i love to rant. this probs won’t tie into anything you’re going for, but yapping is my specialty. lmao!!!

hello clancy, sending all love and hugs you need, sorry that you experienced all that

(i open commission for murder, its free)

also, if u want this ask response taken down, feel free to tell me- since some of these are personal

And now.. 👁️👁️ i shall pluck number 1,2,3,7,8 and nerf Han with them-

[eddiediaaz]

i like the guy i'm seeing quite a lot already it's dumb dskjfdkjdsf. it's making me realize that i don't think i liked my ex as much to be honest, even tho we were together for like 5 months. they were nice and all that and we had good sex, but i think i was more into the fact that it was my first queer relationship (and my first relationship period in 3.5 years) than into them, if that makes sense? maybe that makes me sound like a jerk idk. but i'm literally just realizing this now and it now suddenly makes sense why i was so hesitant to committing to them on the long term, and even wondering if i was gray aro for a moment there (i mean the possibility is still there).

there's also a part of me that fears i'll be "missing out" on something if i get with him more seriously while not having been with another woman. like it would invalidate my queerness as a biseuxal woman if i'm with a cis man. i know it's really stupid and not the case at all, i'd still be queer, and i really hate that my brain is even going there. maybe it's because society (and the LGBTQ community too tbh) keeps invalidating bisexual people not being in a "gay relationship". but yeah. bottom line is i really like him and he makes me feel really good and it's really really nice.

[varusai]

⭐️Get to know your mutuals⭐️

⭐️ Tagged by @elvenmoans

this took me forever to fill out i kept forgetting it in my drafts. oops😔

⭐️ What's the origin of your blog title?

blog title: ☆ ฅ^•⩊•^ฅ ☆

i was looking at a big ass list of japanese emoticons, don't even remember the specific one i was looking for, but came across this one ฅ^•⩊•^ฅ and???? hello??? its so cute???

i never know what to title my stupid blog so i just put that there because it makes me happy to see her.

⭐️ OTP(s)+ shipnames(s):

i’m on the oc shipping train rn but for regular non oc ships we got

moonsea tyrants (manshoon/ fzoul) - the forgotten realms

gideon/harrow/ianthe (any combo) - the locked tomb

farcille (falin/marcille) - dungeon meshi

durgetash (the dark urge/enver gortash) - bg3 (only default hot white dragonborn durge tho, i don’t care about any of that custom character shit)

scar/lex - AVP (i’m having my annual resurgence of this ancient fixation. it will pass soon)

⭐️ Favourite color:

black, but since a lot of ppl consider this a non answer/cop out, purple. i have a particular soft spot for ultraviolet purple.

⭐️ Song stuck in your head:

Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy

i heard it on the radio yesterday after not hearing it for a long time and now its stuck

⭐️ Weirdest habit/trait:

i think this is more of a question that one would need to direct outward, not self-assign. like i talk to myself and consider that both find and normal what the fuck do i know about what counts as a weird habit lol

⭐️ Hobbies:

mainly playing dnd right now. playing dnd and thinking about The Characters. i also write and draw sometimes. i just never finish anything. I’ve also been reading a lot more this year, which has been nice. and I do/learn math for fun, but idk if that counts as a hobby? i'm gonna count it because i do it often enough.

⭐️ If you work, what's your profession?

i got some chronic conditions during covid and was fucked up and disabled for a while in addition to being really depressed. i'm on meds now and its getting a little better but now the job market is fucked so i don't have a job job rn and i just do gig work and temp jobs when i run out of money. usually admin, tech support, tutoring, or doordash. kinda just depends on what comes up.

⭐️ If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?

tbh i kinda already had my dream job? i was a physicist doing research on planet formation. undergraduate level, but it was a paid position so technically i made it. i do hope to go back to it one day when i'm not mentally and physically fucked up, but considering the state of the world now def doesn't seem like the time. unfortunately.

⭐️ Something you're good at:

befriending cats. i’ve literally never met a cat that didn’t like me. even stray cats. i’d like to think i’m pretty good at art too.

⭐️ Something you hate:

capitalism. i also hate driving, temperatures higher than 80F, and the human head, neck, back, and nervous system. mine specifically.

⭐️ Something you collect:

pens and notebooks/office supplies. which was fine when i was in school/doing research/teaching but after??? i would have ended up in some trouble space wise if i hadn't started playing dnd lol. now i can use my stuff again for my notes/game binder :3

i also collect dnd dice sets✨

⭐️ Something you forget:

i'll forget anything that you can ask me a question about out of nowhere. my brain is never stupider than when i'm put on the spot😔

⭐️ What's your love language:

talk to me about something that i'm obsessed with. especially like fic/character/dnd/oc worldbuilding. and especially if we're working on it together. if you can get to this stage you're prob in for life.

⭐️ Favourite movie/show:

The Thing (1982) is my favorite movie ever i watch it literally all the time.

big shout out to the Alien franchise and LotR tho they're tight runners up.

my fav show fluctuates a lot more, but i gotta say just based on rewatch value How Its Made takes it easily.

⭐️ Favourite food:

panda express orange chicken and chow mein combo with crab rangoons, that exact order

⭐️ Favourite animal:

cats or seals! literally two of the cutest animals to exist.

⭐️ What were you like as a child:

undiagnosed and strange

⭐️ Favourite subject at school:

science! i literally took every science class my small town high school had and was still losing my mind

⭐️ Least favourite subject:

government & economics.

yawnnnn

⭐️ What's your best character trait?

knowledge seeking & creative.

⭐️ What's your worst character trait?

asocial & irritable

⭐️ If you could change any detail of your life right now, what would it be?

add about 3 to 4 more zeros to my bank account balance

⭐️ Tagging: @twilight-alchemist @sunnidaydreamer @voxiferous @sunsetfields @zarnitza @darkeecofreak @shadow-djinni @overcaffeinated-paranoia @roosterzebra @inadvisablyappliedmagic @bi-colored-corn @revasnaslan @a-la-orilla-del-rio @minigenos

i know a lot of y’all already but its still fun lol

[paleoleigh]

Thinking about Stede building the Revenge for him and his family. How he knew he was unhappy and so was Mary and probably so were the kids, but his first thought/plan A was for them all to go live at sea together instead of running away himself. A stupid plan based on a self-centered idea of what might make things better? Absolutely, he clearly had a monkey playing symbols in his brain listening to Mary talk about her hatred of the ocean. But he built the Revenge as a home for his family, with a room for the kids (Jim and Olu's room?) and a library which contained children's stories and secret passageways for fun, for playing games.

Having listened to a lot of true crime podcasts with shitty-father villains, it strikes me how the idea that Stede could have just taken the kids is literally never touched on. Yeah, he probably knew he couldn't take care of them on his own, maybe didn't want to (we only really see him interacting with them by playing pirates), but Alma and Louis remain the only people Stede has canonically said the words "I love you" to (yes yes he loves Ed he was about to say it to him in s2e4 and switched tactics, but putting them in a similar category with Ed is pretty telling imo). Like...it probably never once occurred to Stede that another man might have taken the kids with him to spite his ex or to live their happy life of playing pirates on the high seas. Mary said I don't want a boat, I don't hate our lives, and Stede went welp, guess I'm on my own then.

There's a lot that can be said about Stede as a distant father who abandoned his family. I'm not saying he's the bastion of perfect fatherhood. But he's so clearly torn up about leaving them because he knows, morally, that was wrong, and even after he sets things right, he still talks about them ("two messed up kids probably/ didn't fit in with Mary and the kids") which tbh, I thought we were never gonna mention the Bonnet family again after s1e10.

Idk. I think Stede loves his kids as best he can for someone who probably never wanted them, and ultimately helped them out in the long run by not having them have to grow up in a miserable household with unhappy parents and an emotionally distant father who simply couldn't do better than playing games with them.

Also, thinking about how a lot of OFMD is thematic rather than verbally explicit...I think it's incredibly telling how upset Alma was when Stede came back, and that she wanted split the orange so they would still be connected no matter how far apart they were. That in a show with pretty heavy-handed symbolism of physically/emotionally abusive fathers and cycles, the kids are never, ever shown to be afraid of Stede, that when they play together they're all happy, that Stede says he loves them even though they were asleep and didn't hear it, and that the one time they physically touch, it's Alma reaching out to tug Stede's hair in a playful way, and he responds in kind. That Stede breaks the cycle of emotionally distant and abusive fathers by A. Not belittling them ever and B. Leaving when he realized his presence was making things worse.

Tl;dr Stede Bonnet is objectively a bad dad, but he still loves his kids.

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[hantenguswife]

Random rant/vent(?)

EVERYBODY STOP. I'M GOING CRAZY RN. I was just scrolling on twitter since I was looking for an artist to follow and saw that ufotable wanted to bless me with a new official art of hantengu??? HE LOOKS SO ADORABLE💗💗💋 It's the way his hiding from the sun under a little cave is so cute!! And doing his shaking and pathetic pose💗 I'm actually so happy that he's getting official art since that just means more rants, more pictures to put on my wall, and more reasons to draw and not get bored of him >_<!! (I'm never getting bored of him🔥) Official art hantengu literally gives me reason to stay alive. I'm not joking, (I think) it's very unhealthy but all my coping methods are unhealthy soo this one isn't as bad as the others. Hantengu official art >>> my drinking/sh problem. I love my man💋 I'm going to kiss that stupid ass bump on his head and give it a big squeeze. Also poking it for fun!! Not a very long rant but just wanted to rant a little since my hubby doesn't get that much art which is sad because I need it.

(This part of the rant is going to be little weird but ranting about my favourite character while venting is fun😋😋‼️)

Hantengu being my favourite character isn't really healthy for me. Idk why but almost every time I think about the bad things that have happened to me and when I'm crying about it, I will make my brain think that hantengu is comforting me. Oh, my ex cheated on me? While hantengu would do the same but I wouldn't be angry at him. I will let him continue cuz even though he cheated on me, he still loves me since he hasn't broken up with me!!

I may have been sa by a random guy and I can still feel his hands on my breasts but that's okay!! I'm just going to think and imagine that hantengu hands on my breasts which will make me forget about the guy and I won't feel disgusted since hantengu would never sa me!!

I hate my body and I wanna cut myself since I'm disappoint and a disgusting human being? Well hantengu would tell me that I am a disgusting human and I would believe him but I would still love him. He tells me continue to cut myself? I'm going to continue. Heck, I think he will even tell me to show my wrist as he sprinkle some salt on it😭

I need help but honestly, I don't want help. I will just feel like I'm going to exhaust anybody who tries to help me. Just let me fuck myself up🌚

[pleucas]

this is said with no malice towards you i love your art!! i like you!!

also not capitalizing chuuya's name even tho i have better humor than this

this is going to be loooong but i never read a more stupid ask….

i don’t hate skk bcs i use my brain and see that they’re actually good and a fun ship when someone isn’t ruining it. what i hate is most skkers being unfunny towards Dazai and the continuous mischaracterization of him just to make chuuya look better (mostly chuuya stans but also dumb Dazai stans are guilty of it)

and no Dazai isn’t the worst and chuuya doesn’t deserve better in fact i think yall can’t handle a person with mental illness and a fake persona he clearly put on people always demonize him so i think saying he’s the worst and chuuya isn’t proves my point. they both EQUALLY did the same bad things Dazai isn’t more toxic than chuuya it’s more like Dazai is the one who’s going back to a toxic ex (mind u chuuya was ready to hurt or maybe even kill some of the ada members people Dazai obviously cares for)

the skk hater? who loves chuuya and hate Dazai because they know chuuya’s character will never be as important or as impactful on bsd universe as Dazai’s noted.

if you love chuuya and hate Dazai your opinion about Dazai is immediately invalid like i think they just know no bsd character can be better written and more interesting than Dazai he's what keeping bsd good (and Fyodor i liked him in the last chapters even more)

imo if chuuya keeps appearing he'll just get boring🤷‍♀️ because most of his storyline is over

Dazai on the other hand always entertaining and deep and there’s a reason he’s involved in everything and never forget everything he did for chuuya stormbringer would be nothing without Dazai helping chuuya from the shadows and chuuya knows it but i guess people will still makes him the bad person in skk when he’s the one trying to change and be better person

also Dazai is someone who’s storyline is still on going as well as we know almost nothing about his past or what actually goes on in his brain i can say three things about his backstory and that’s it.

sorry for rumbling i can’t take that level of stupidity

pls don’t block me im not evil…..

holy shit we got cross-ask beef. this is insane

i'm gonna lowercase Both their names because i think this is the reasonable next step. LOL. & i'll also ramble a bit to match ur freak!

i will strive to clarify that me agreeing that dz=worst chuuya deserves better was, as i specified, "on a generalized scale" — on a very, very, VERY surface level this is a jokey way i've seen a lot of skkers talk about their relationship. more of an inside joke atp ig? idk. srry if that wasnt clear

but i do think it's valid to dislike a ship because you don't like one half of it. i totally get how dz's character can piss ppl off, esp if ure missing lns and mangas (which rimu wasn't, but they watched the anime first so the precedent was set). i found the first part of their thesis to be pretty funny actually, just (again) taking it at face-value.

it's also understandable that they try and dissect dz then miss the mark by a mile LOL. but again, can't be blamed if you hate the guy and thus don't read into him too much, which i think is a reasonable way to consume media... probably more reasonable than me. hence why i didn't respond with my own thesis paper. overall idk man it's not that deep, i've been having fun with rimu and i'd advise y'all to also be silly w/ ur Budgeted RPF Dead Author Yaoi, it'll make things a lot better

abt what you've said, i think dz and chuuya can't exist as true characters w/o each other, unless you fundamentally change their truth. a lot of their good & bad (& inbetween) sides are exposed through their relationship, which i believe is asgr's very interesting way of employing "show-don't-tell." i don't think chuuya's storyline is over, because dazai's isn't, and vice versa. this doesn't mean i don't think they have their own arcs, just that these arcs Must involve the other — if dz's main conflict is good/bad + the mafia, chuuya is his biggest amiable tie to it, and if chuuya's conflict is his self + power, dz must be there for corruption. there's more to say there, but again i don't want to feed rimu's claims of us all being dormant essayists LOL

we got dz glazer and rimu, D1 dz hater. and cheese anon.

[rubbership]

more incest/pedophilia idk

one thing my mom would constantly talk about and say is that sex is The Best thing ever and that once i have it i will Love it. i think i remember thinking it was like, a bit. a kid says kissing or pda is gross and parents go ohhhh but then youll meet the right person and youll love it! and it WAS like that, kind of, but it was always about sex. shed make sexual comments about the way id play or cuddle with my ex or just. me being me. i remember it really turned me off the idea of sex as a whole, i thougjt it was disgusting. im going to be very mean for a second.

i remember my mom before she became who she actually was, or my idea of her before my bubble was burst. she was like a mix of a very smart young college student and a very beautiful very hard working farm woman, i remember finding her very beautiful and very smart. I remember knowing that she didn't think she was beautiful in comparison to my aunt or grandma because they were skinnier, but to me the two always looked really sick and unhappy. i spent a lot of time trying to get them to eat stuff with me, because theyd gift me fast food or something but theyd never get anything. i thought it was messed up that my mom was viewed as the uglier one because she was strong and tall and did a lot of outdoors work, just because she couldn't fit into some stupid ballet gown that was made like 90 years ago for someone with brittle bone disease. Thats who i like to think about and who I think about when I think of my mom.

But in reality who my mom actually is even when she isn't using heroin is an alcoholic and a sex addict. Everything was always about sex. Always. it didnt matter if it was my drawings or something we were watching on TV or any conversation with my dad. I remember seeing her grind on him all the time, I remember as a preteen walking out on her clearly sitting on her boyfriends ___ and not knowing what to do because my laptop was out there and i was grounded so i was only allowed to use it out there, but they didn't stop or go into their room or anything for like a good hour. our literal last hang out consisted of me thinking we were going to have a good night together and her inviting over some guy, turning on a dave chappel show and then fucking him during it, even though i literally rold her if she expected to have sex with someone i wanted to know if i could leave. she told me she wouldn't do that to me and that i was being ridiculous. i eventually left and broke into an abandoned hotels parking lot because i figured i might as well do something i alwats wanted to do before i left carson for good.

when i had step throat and almost cauvht scarlet fever she kept making me use her throat numbing spray, something that DOES exist for sicknesses, but her bottle was clearly the kind made for blowjobs. i remember she kept trying to get me to use it and i kept refusing because i knew it was for sex but i didn't have the vocabulary to tell her that. i remember telling her i was asexual after finding out that she was aparently asexual (when i came out my dads reaction was "thats exactly what your mother said before dating kevin." weird dude, weird thing to say.) and she told me that no ones actually asexual, she only said that because she'd cry through sex with my dad. that everyone thinks they hate sex until they finally have it and that you'll realize once you have good sex.

and i think it really just. hammered in this idea. my mom was obsessed with pregnancy, she had an abortion and then miscarried before I was born. She also had two sets of surrogate twins, as well as my two sisters, and I think to this day she wants more kids. it really gave me this idea and this sense of like, sex really really really messing up your brain. i didn't understand that she was traumatized or going through the throws of ptsd or trauma at the time, all i knew is that i felt like i saw my very strong and very smart mother change from that into a sex obsessed violent monster. Her statements about how I'll love sex didn't feel like smart advice or the thing a mother would say to encourage healthy growth it felt like a threat. It made me never ever ever want to have sex, because what if someone touched me and i became like her? what if someone touches me without my permission and i lose all sense of self and i stop caring about the things i used to care about and i lose who i am like she did. that idea really scared me, especially when i was living with two guys who were clearly looking at me sexually and innapropriately. i felt like i had to keep myself safe from every direction. i couldnt let my mom see or percieve anything i was doing or else she'd make it some sexual innuendo and imply i was some sexual being, and i couldn't let my dad see or percieve anything about me because what if he saw me as a sex object? I was already pretty certain he did.

and then eventually my step mom got involved and stupidly i thought maybe SHE could help. its why i was so obsessed and attached to her at first, i thought an outsider could've come in and done something. instead i told her that i didnt like sharing a phone with my dad because I feel like I'm constantly seeing his nudes aand its making me uncomfortable and she flipped the fuck out because my dad would NEVER take nudes unless he was sending them to her and shes never gotten any, so i must be lying and trying to set her up to be jealous and attempt to kick her out of the house because i'm a conniving little sex pest who wanted my dad All To Myself or something. and then I got framed for being a possible serial killer because of it. Cooooool cool cool cool

[berrystainedsue]

Hey, I’m sorry for bothering you, but I have no one to share theories I have seen recently and some of my thoughts on mcdumblinson with xd

I have seen some of your posts talking about how Louis’ sisters are also part of the stunt/stunts with being “besties” with who Louis is stunting with. Like rn they are commenting on Z’s posts like they been besties forever.

And I have seen couple people speculating that the whole stunt might be because twins been trying to make their own “keep up with the Kardashians” type of show? There has been some articles about it also, about how there is apparently work in progress.

And they started the whole stunt cuz Z obviously has experience of these kind of shows and connections with people who do them. And through the stunt they are trying to attract the audience who watches these kind of shows.

And idk.. it does sound to me like it could make sense? Because so far the stunt hasn’t been giving Louis much other than hate and drama around him cuz him and Z’s ex are in socceraid.

And we all know how big of a fan he is of Love Island and shitty reality tv shows anyway that he cannot even stand them.

I think I’ve seen someone saying that they have filmed everything for the show and that the “season 1” filming ended around October last year when they went to Miami and when Liam passed away. So people been speculating this could be shown in the show to of course attract 1d fans and as an “intense moment” at end of the season.

So.. to summarize my stupid gibberish, I think it does give some sense to the stunt, the idea that they are doing it to promote/create the show for the twins, create promo for Louis’ socceraid and Z’s shit.

But idk! It’s all a mess and the stunt is ridiculous we all know it for sure. And this is all rumors and speculations I’ve seen, I’m just trying to find at least some logical reasons for this stunt to be happening.

And sorry and thank you for listening to my stupid gibberish! I hope it makes sense at least in a tiny bit what I’m talking about xd I had to share my thoughts somewhere because otherwise my brain would’ve exploded.

hiiyaa!

you're not bothering me at all!!

i likeee your thinking. it does kind of feel like group promo for his sisters and zara??

louis does still get pr - any publicity is counted as pr. maybe it doesn't look great (people are hyper focussed on his streaming declining) but it is still pr.

i said this to someone earlier - one of the articles about the show made a point to say louis *will* be included. of course we all like getting louis content, so a lot of people will watch every episode to hopefully see louis. and it would make a lot of sense for his cameo to be in the final episodes in LA - makes everyone suffer watch all the episodes in the hopes that he will be in it. does that mean there will be F content as well????

i really really really REALLY hope they do NOT put anything to do with liam in the show. grief is such a personal, private thing. it would be so wrong to see that.

all in all, yes i agree! louis stunts with zara -> more eyes on her documentary thats coming out -> she is besties with his sisters -> more promo for their show

i said from the start i think this might end around soccer aid. before or after but they are going to make a biggg deal that he is playing with her ex and it will be some weird love triangle moment. i mentioned before- her ex is getting just as many articles written about him as she is. it all feels like we are building up to socceraid. which i don't like, it should be focussing on the charitable efforts not some random drama between players. but you know, when has anything ever been morally correct when it comes to pr.

[noirexoxo]

2/18/25

status: perplexed?! so lowkey today was a banger, but also rehursals pissed me off... SO DIVING STRAIGHT INTO IT: 5th period i had pre-cal, and that was boring, 6th period i had AP art, which was also boring but nice bc i hung out w/ friends and we doodled on a shared online whiteboard ^_^- then 7th period... OHHHHHH BOY. so literally i go eat lunch, and lunch is fun- sally brought these BANGER ass street corn cheetos- (they sound lowkey a little gross BUT OH MY GODDD I WAS ABOUT TO BUSTTTT) and we all chitter chattered which was fun!! then im like "ill go to wingstop w/ my friends and skip 8th again bc... i hate 8th period lowkey and i have a 100 so im okay missing a day" SO i step into ronas little truck (its lowkey rlly nice bc i like cramped spaces) and we drive to wingstop w/ uh- OH MY GOD I CANT COME UP W/ A CODE NAME FOR THE OTHER FRIEND WHO CAME ALONG??? ill just call her uhm- k.c. that might be too on the nose but idgaf- SO me, mitch, rona, sally, and k.c. head to wingstop and its fun- AND I DONT... REALLY TALK TO K.C. BUT I THINK SHES LIKE- OMINOUS AND COOL IN A "I WANNA TALK TO HER MORE" WAY BUT I DONT THINK SHE LOWKEY LIKES ME :SOB: and idk wtf it is but whenever i have common ground w/ someone, like if its someone we both dislike or just a topic ill just... bring that up (bc idk how to start conversations. at all.) so i bring up uh... an ex friend of ours and k.c. is like "omd STOP bringing them up" like in a partially joking way but also she was partially mad- and i LOWKEY do not blame her at all, BUT I THOUGHT SHE HATED ME SOPHOMORE YEAR BC I WAS AFFILIATED W/ SAID PERSON AND... YEAH. so i felt stupid for like, the rest of the day- AND THEN IM LIKE 'hey rona can i get a ride home ^_^" bc ronas cool, and i dont wanna bother mitch or anyone else for a ride- AND FUCKKKING HELL AFTER SCHOOL REHURSAL PISSED ME OFF. I DONT CAREEEE IF HE SEES THIS BUT PANCH, (THOSE WHO KNOW- KNOW WHO HE IS) WAS ON MY LAST DAMN NERVE. i walk in, and im getting 2 work and joking around bc we have 2 hours to find a damn wallpaper. thats easy as balls dude, and hes helping me- and im pulling up examples and he just KEEPS BITCHING ABOUT IT??? but originally i was like "omg haha ur joking" bc i genuinely thought he wasnt being serious, and then hes like "Im TRYING to do my job here." and his mood like- SHIFTS and im like "OH HES DEADASS." so i match energy and im like "..I ALSO AM DOING MY JOB??? DA FAUQ???" THEN LATER I PULL MY EXAMPLES AND HE LITERALLY PULLS THE FUCKING "oh... that clashes with the couch... its not super 70's..." CARD AND TALKING ABOUT IT LIKE *I* WAS FUCKING EVERYTHING UP AND IM LIKE "...SHUT UP????" ESPECIALLY WHEN JAYCE (fake name) WALKS IN AND HES LIKE "oh the directors are also okay w/ floral patterns" AND I HAD A FLORAL PATTERN. IN MY FUCKING THING. LIKE SHUT UP??? NOW?????????? OMD and when me and jiji (fake name also) came up w/ ideas for the set literally he kept shooting all of our ideas down. LIKE YOU ARE *NOT* THE LEADER HERE BRO CALM DOWN....

sorry bout the rant guys i just genuinely cannot stand him rn. (UNRELATED BUT... ALSO PLEASE I NEED MY BRAIN TO STOP CONVINCING ME IM LOWKEY INTRUDING ON A FRIEND GROUP STFU I LOVE MY FRIENDS) GOODNIGHT SCARABS ILL MAKE ANOTHER POST TMR!! MWAH

[sukaitsuriarchive]

FE3H livetweet thread (3/3)

i refuse to believe they designed this class for anyone other than this fucker. absolute zero mention of anything slightly resembling japan but yeah sure here's felix acting like a weeb

~

me: yay we killed hubert and edelgard aside some students we never bothered giving a gift before! can we go to the sidestory now? 3H: *105 hours in* no

~

damn funny that even at this point cyril still throws this pissed ass face at byleth

~

the most cursed thing abt 3H is that it forces my brain to accept that the personas w calendar system were infinitely better designed than this lol

it dumbfounds me how limited the opportunities to grind and fix your weapons are like i tried my best to keep everyone at check and in the end i arrive at the decisive battle w my most important gear unable to use

like yeah whatever i can accept the stupid dating sim mechanics and i can ignore the game not giving any information whatsoever abt what shit my units are learning in the classes they're in but the shop system is so stupidly restricting and convoluted to use???

~

i hate so much the fact i have to keep switching windows all the time to buy and sell shit FOR EVERY DIFFERENT CHARACTER when in games severely older than this you could do everything in one screen

idk i rly can't believe this is the thing it ultimately fumes me the most in 3H lol there's barely any story and you do supports and quests mindlessly tapping in less than 2min but every fucking time you go to the market it takes hours trying to remember what your inventory has

~

catherine we saved this bitch TWO MISSIONS AGO

~

okay nvm rip

the "YOU GOT MICROWAVED AS A BABY *dies*" thing really likes to follow wherever i go

~

the time has arrived. sadly petra isn't available for boobleth so i ultimately decided to go w the one most fit for the route i went to i guess. gotta console the now motherless boy

~

FROM ALL THE /GAZILLION/ WAYS THEY COULD'VE WRITTEN THIS CONFESSION SCENE THEY WENT W ONE W THE WORST IMPLICATIONS RNDNGNS

~

byleth: rhea is gone and all but look i'm still here :) cyril: ah cool! i was rhea's house servant before so from now i'll be yours, since you're telling me i can't run away byleth:

~

they 100% did the same w dedue didn't they. i'm not even gonna bother checking bc i know they must have done it

~

i thought i wouldn't be into post timeskip bernie much but she ended up growing on me, still the same funny critter but tried her hardest to keep up and look presentable bc her school mean a lot to her... rest well my baby

~

okay nvm girl won't get to rest LMFAOOOOO

i wanted caspar to have a fitting girl that wasn't byleth and a few others could fit but i'm specially fond of bernie bc both of them are the funniest 3H characters to me... cheers to my funny rats fucking and making children

~

wait WAIT EXCUSE ME????????????????? PETRA????????????? MOTHERFUCKER WASN'T AN OPTION FOR ME BUT STILL GOES FOR DOROTHEA??????????

damn........ ngl mad respect for dorothea just silently snatching her from behind my back

~

so... that was it for the main story sorry to confirm but yeah i won't be playing other routes, i'll check the sidestory tho

~

~

thinking back and man they REALLY wanted to keep the masterxslave thing on top of already so much shit byleth has over cyril like girl just keep it at oneeshota, people are here for that!!!! intsys rolling their eyes at S supports for all genders but raceplay is added w gusto s2

~

when i see cyril being iliterate while tiring himself doing chores and being a soldier for rhea like i can't in full honesty not despise rhea like what did you do to him you brainwashing church dragon freak.... byleth's lesbian list selection is terrifyingly bleak

~

4 hrs into sidestory so far the party is fixed and only has returning characters idc for, i guess the underground dwellers setting is slightly more interesting but the exclusive cast is still made of ex-nobles and magical bloodlines so uh... yeah playing as dudeleth for a change

~

~

it sucks how edel was the only opposing force in this game bc everyone else just passively goes along w whatever rhea decides in the end even if they dislike it "don't worry you can contine living in the slums if you wish to ^^"

~

welp 125 hours was my limit here. i couldn't grow a glimpse of interest for the story since the very first few hours, you keep going expecting some type of big shift or at least a reward for investing in specific characters over others but it's as barebones as a gacha game

i was told awakening was like 30~40 hours long and cmon?? this is exactly the max a run of 3H should've been?? they stretched a dryass plot and for what... for the player to get dumped all info at the last minute like are we in a professor layton game

~

"what's the lesson here?" "no more calendar rpgs!" "anything else?" "FIRE EMBLEM IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED!"

~

me: i love how so far my complaint of FE and royal bloodlines had as a rebuttal only a single protagonist which is ike in theory. if ike disappoints me then it's over for the entire franchise

friend: I'm curious about what will you think. I heard he's the only non royal but there seem to be playable royalty characters so genuinely I wonder if they drop the ball like Echoes

me: i can't help but feel wary of ike being overhyped bc of how often i heard abt echoes and 3H being 'the better ones' and then turns out echoes is sexist and 3H is an absolutely insane white savior parade LOL next thing you're gonna tell me is that ike is an incel or eats children

friend: I feel the same lmao It would be a positive surprise but rn I'm convinced that FE as a whole just can't not mess up horribly when dealing with the most basic social issues. I'm just going for the wide array of fucked up blorbos and the stories are a moot point.

me: nobles having fucked up dynamics should be such a to-go for a series like this, i couldn't believe how irrelevant and generic the enemies you fight against in 3H are, even their hair color are bland like a background character in anime gjlkdfgl

friend: Yea, like even period dramas focused on royalty fumble the bag when they try to address plebs while keeping their protagonists undeniably good people. Just go with court drama. Omg that was extra disappointing because so many place and people full names and what for

~

tbh no wonder the FE x SMT crossover turned into FE x persona bc smt is anti-fire emblem to its core... smt exists specifically to shit on law so the moment it gives leverage to royalty it wouldn't be smt anymore

"but that's it! it's exactly for them being opposites that the crossover would be interesting!" you and i both know they would write a generic lukewarm message and just focus on nobles and demons being cool fighting side by side or whatever instead of dismantling oligarchy

~

Originally written from Feb 26 to Mar 22, 2024

[chrysalispilled]

What'z your fav azpect of their relationzhip to think about ? any zcenez in wandavision between them that make u crazy

ALL OF THEM MAKE ME CRAZY. I AM THE MOST NORMAL GIRL EVR

first quarter of episode eight. has been branded into my goldfish brain for all eternity. agatha’s a lot more devious w marie than liv with luce, if she gets bored she’ll cast a stupid little spell to fuck w her just for fun

so things like that :3

and that one idea kat gave me abt agatha blowing a kiss and some smoke blowing to marie. BLEGHJJH

and there’s a favorite aspect of mine! marie is nervous about everything, but nothing agatha does goes over the line. agatha wouldn’t even want to go over the line, that’d be just as bad as hurting her pet rabbit!

marie’s like an outlet for agatha, scratchy can’t listen, but the bird can. especially in wandavis, agatha always has a little hint of flirtation in her actions. and while i haven’t yapped about it because i don’t want to make people uncomfortable (even regarding things like that scene in agatha’s basement) it’s still a big part of their relationship

idk though, i just hate her x rio, they’re 101% exes to me and it reminds me to much of logan x wade which i despise. her relationship w rio would’ve never been good, FAR from healthy. marie reciprocates, at least she tries to, she’s not a naive little kid, she’s just out of her element

sorry idk where that last bit came from, told u im normal!!

[luetta]

kinda wanna block every single person who i follow or follows me and start anew. i hate what my tumblr feed is now. its all fucking horny transposting and shitty online memes. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and vapid that is what i've curated my tumblr into being ... it just feels lame. if i was another person and i looked at luetta's blog, i wouldn't follow it. there's no analysis on media i like, any media that does appear is through a transgender lens. no aesthetics, just lewdness. and of course thinking about all of this, instead of just not giving a fuck about how my own personal blog is perceived, makes me feel like an idiot also. who gives a fuck? someone who still craves validation from others like a friendless little child, that's who. this website gives me dysphoria. and that's fucking cringe. i'm so lame. i'm a cookie cutter trans girl. blahaj and :3 and xdf htskligyterwuik girwa htuirog8yreabiraejk WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT SUBCULTURE YOU FIT INREGYT0IUTREHY 9E8TYU OJHTERYSU8YTERWMS8N 76E50W9TRW0 97Bwhat am i fucking even saying. i'm literally substanceless. i have no depth whatsoever. i've read no books. i've watched no movies. i've travelled to no places. i've experienced so little. i've literally done 1 single fucking thing in my life and that's figure out 6 years too late that i'm trans. woopdie doo. i did the bare minimum of introspection that comes with being a human. this is real life, i have to do more than that. i can't just sit in my room doing fucking NOTHING forever. i just need to suck it up and get a proper job and interact with people instead of just being content with doing nothing and fading away and then one day turning 40 and realising i've done nothing at all with my prime years. why is my brain so 9uhfeargu8io sdefrgu hypigfsd8dgsfht sgdftj puist ghreiouoy erthgt43qghrlyuv4qetwyulo4v53q2khglyiv354oiuy why do i just fucking keep on thinking about things it never fucking stops. there's never a single moment of respite from thinking about shit. i fucking hate my country, i just want weed to be legalised so i can do edibles every night and not have to fucking think constantly. but nooo i have to live in a fucking .... okay just going to stop typing because it's fucking cringe like every other opinion i have. you know what im going to type about instead? my ex-friend tom. you're a fucking piece of shit. why did you do this shit man? i don't fucking get it. literally what did i do for you to decide "i don't want to ever utter a SINGLE FUCKING WORD to you ever again". like what? we literally were connecting at such a deep friendship level. you pretty much came out to me when i came out to you. we hugged so tightly when we watched the succession finale together. and then you just fucking went AWOL. and yeah i get that you got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. but like ....... why does that mean you don't want to be my friend anymore? idk. i probs did something wrong because i'm a fuckup with fluctuating feelings and did something when i was in a 'fuck this guy' mood. urgh. idk. all my friends right now are cool but i still haven't found someone who shared so many similar interests as me. you're just a cunt to do this shit and make me have to get over you without any closure. i fucking hate myself. i just want to be someone else. throw all my belongings into a big fire and burn it up. go on a manic spree and fuck up my life. life just sorta sucks doesnt it? the fact that you have to work a fuckton and give away your body and time just so you can do things you want to do. i have dreams that ill never achieve probably. because i can't fucking do work. also my fucking boss is fucking dodging me about taking on more shifts than 1 every 3 weeks so i guess theyve fucking fired me. time to not be able to be on government support anymore !! because i need to work in order to keep it apparently !! good system. the purpose of a system is what it does. it wants you to suffer and die for not being a normal tall white man who works 10 hours a day in the auto shop. i hate everything i see. i'm unhappy.