#random mumblings

[feralheartedalien]

So we got

Blossom

Bubbles

And Buttercup

[spectral-squid]

Wait, so is it called The Gaslight District because Mel has to gaslight everyone into thinking her blood is purple?

[sharona-sims]

The Sims 2...

The thought of a possible, somewhat less broken Sims 2 is making me feel...

All kinds of weird feelings... Good ones though. 🥰

I say somewhat less broken, because it's EA. Fixing isn't their specialty. 😅

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[prismatic-gay]

If i had a dollar every time a close male friend triggered my ptsd and caused a ptsd flood so bad I had to call out of work ide have 3 dollars and ide like them to pay fucking damages because they're kinda ruining my life.

Man forcing me to hold him during the night despite me not wanting to?

Man punching register and nearly breaking it

Man verbatim stating the words someone said before I got assaulted.

[doludn]

trying out the 75 cent hetalia pens from seria.

[samtalksmusic]

never stop never what?

[clairethecutepup]

There's nothing more satisfying as a writer, than to sit on your porch and within the rainy chill of the air: the crisp freshness through each nostrils' inhale, the sight and sound of downpour, with a phone to play your favorite videos...

I love when the world around you gives you the perfect excuse to get a whole bunch of writing done, all day too.

[rosescoloredred]

Tumblr as a website is so helpful for DID profiles on pk holy shit.

[redeyesfangsandmagic]

Playing another run through and finally let my character sleep with Mizora just to see what would happen. My character is with Shadowheart and she was okay with it just to not forget her. It was very interesting indeed.

[mourningstar113]

When you're writing and your main protagonist has been through some shit - like epic shit, lost the love of their life, done prison time, had a complete breakdown, alienated friends, and family- and then you decide, ok. Enough. They've had enough.

And slowly, slowly, you rebuild their life. The get out of prison, they find somewhere to live, get a job, finds a doctor that *gets* them and sorts the right medication and physio, so they can at least live a slightly more comfortable life. Starts therapy. Gets a carer, who becomes their advocate, and then their best friend, who puts up with their bullshit and acerbic personality. Who helps them reach out to family they've alienated and start making reconnection. They eat a little better, and whilst they'll never sleep properly again, they get up. They get up and don't want it all over with.

They still drink, and are a horrible, ugly, aggressive drunk. But folks forgive them their only occasional lapse. And then finally, they meet someone, who annoys the hell out of them,but doesn't cower from their bullshit, doesn't buy into their self destruction. They'll never be the one who was lost, no one will. But that's OK. Maybe, they want something new.

And then, they wake up one day, and look forward to the day. And look forward, full stop.

And then you realise you're not writing about a fictional character anymore. And there's that moment.

Oh. 🥹 Oh yes.

[feralheartedalien]

Okay so I've seen other people making kinda Steddie aus out of other Joe and Joseph characters and I thought I would throw my hat into the ring

Eric

And Keys!

Like one just moved across from the other or they are roommates

[spectral-squid]

"Man, it feels like days since we've continued that RP chain. I hope they haven't forgotten about it. Maybe I'll re-read it real quick anyway."

Opens the chain at the latest reblog.

Time of last reblog is 23h ago.

Yeah, my sense of time is abysmal.

[sharona-sims]

The struggle!

Sometimes I think about building a rec center for Henford, and then I remember that I can't build, and also I'm lazy, and so it never happens. Maybe some day though, because I think it would be such a good addition to the world. 😳😅

[childlessdoglady88]

Anyone else feel overwhelmed sometimes by all the media there is to consume?

I have my regular films, tv shows, podcasts, books and music that I’ve listened to/watched/read for years, things currently out, things that have been out for a while but I haven’t got to yet, new things I haven’t got to yet, future things I know are coming.

And I love it. I love storytelling and I love consuming storytelling in all these ways but there’s so much, and in a way that’s good because I’ll never run out but at the same time it feels like I’ll never cover it all.

[prismatic-gay]

Nevermind my families issues I can feel the anger at everyone else. Everyone who escaped, the people who are allowed to feel these emotions and then when I beg for help they don't respond. Im angry and empty and in pain and for the last 2 fucking years all ive gotten was for people to fucking make me feel like shit about everything or to tell me its not that bad. Fuck you its not that bad I don't remember what it feels like to get a hug that didn't feel forced. I don't remember the last time someone hugged me just because or because someone actually fucking noticed I wasnt okay

No one EVER asks me if I'm okay. Im always the fucking one asking. Im tired of being the fixer im tired of tearing myself apart for everyone in my life I don't even know who the fuck i am anymore. Im not fucking living. Im surviving.

Im just so tired of it all im tired of being angry and sad and hopeless and empty.

Two fucking years ive been waiting for someone outside of one person to ask me "are you okay" or for a friend to fucking hug me. Or tell me ill be okay.

Fuck man im tired of being alone here. Im tired of being afraid to tell people the truth about my family because we're so *fucking perfect* on the outside. I hate this.