#batman shitposting

[thebibliosphere]

Joy I have to ask - what temperature do you think it is inside Wayne Manor?

Is it essentially outside temperature except where the fireplaces are? Does Alfred have a one man war against climate change? Is that why Bruce spends so much time in the basement?

Depending on which timeline you follow, Wayne Manor was built in the late 1800s. Having worked in giant historical homes, I'm telling you now it's a fucking pain in the ass to update the heating systems in those buildings. I know we've got comic book logic to contend with, and they've got massive generators in the basement to keep the cave running (sometimes it's turbines powered by the water flowing through the caves), but I also think it's plausible that to avoid damaging the historical facade of the building, you might walk around the house and see box fans shoved into the window frames during the summer because fuuuuck trying to install modern AC through 18th-century brickwork.

As for heat, well, for a frame of reference, the James J Hill house up here in MN—built roughly around the same time during the Gilded Age when the Waynes were pioneering industry in Gotham—was forced to rely on a boiler roughly the size of a steam engine to heat the house and used 250 tons of coal each year to keep it warm. That boiler provided hot water and ambient heat through steam radiators, but they also still had fireplaces in almost every room to try and compensate for the winter. The house was updated for modern heating and air conditioning within the last 40 years, but with a house that size and ceilings so tall, it's not particularly efficient. They still rely on box fans and space heaters to keep the space habitable during summer and winter.

New Jersey is not as far north as Minnesota, but the temperatures can still drop comparably low, especially when you factor in the seafront Gotham is on. So, while I do think they likely upgraded the heating systems at some point (they can't keep guzzling through coal like that), I also can't help but feel it's got to be cold as hell in that house unless they're being meticulous about lighting fires and airing every room out to prevent damp.

Because that's another thing. If you're not keeping your stone house warm, you risk damp and water damage, and I feel like Alfred would rather gnaw off his own arm than let Wayne Manor crumble to dust with black mold festering in the original French plaster.

So he's not so much fighting a one-man war against climate change as he's fighting a one-man war to keep the house dry. He's walking through rooms no one even uses, making sure the steam radiators are working and opening the windows a crack to let the condensation out.

Is he also turning off all the light switches as he goes? Yes. Is he always yelling, "Why is every screen in this house turned on if no one is using them?" also, yes.

Is Bruce also down in the cave huddled under an extra cape, overclocking the batcomputer to stay warm? Also a distinct possibility.

[the-drunk-game-master]

oh my God, Fanfic idea where Bruce really was as much of a man whore as he made the public believe he was, and actually did sleep with Janet Drake, as well as Mary Grayson, Catherine Todd, Elaine Thomas, Crystal Brown, and even Lady Shiva. He also had a daughter named Helena with Catwoman. Tim and Steph don't know they're half siblings.

Every chapter after the third chapter reveals more and more bastard children of Bruce Wayne, with mothers like Wonder Woman, Zatanna, Poison Ivy, Black Canary, Harley Quinn, and PowerGirl.

dick, who just got black mailed by 12 year old stalker tim: scary, that tim kid has a spot on bat-glare despite not spending anytime with you whatsoever, i mean the resemblance is uncanny

bruce trying to figure out if he ever slept with janet drake: very scary…

[incorrectbatfam]

The first rule of driving the Batmobile is to have fun and be yourself

[violent138]

There comes a time when the criminals prefer being taken in by Batman, because his kids go a little overboard:

Goon: "You won't kill me."

Cass: "You ready to bet your life on that?"

Duke: *tosses her the gun they took off the guy* "I would do what she says."

---------

Random thug: "Hey Batman doesn't kill--"

Damian: "Not like he's here. You're certainly not going to be able to tell him."

---------

Tim: "Well, accidents do happen. Shame." *starts to let go of the rope*

Guy dangling off the building: "No, no okay, okay, I'll tell you!"

---------

Steph: *clears throat*

Gang members: "We surrender!" *multiple guns fall to the ground*

Steph: "I see my reputation precedes me, wise choice."

---------

*Bruce gets chewed out by Gordon by the Batsignal because the rumours have spread so much, it kind of sounds like Batman's kids have been going around murdering people*

Bruce: "In my defense, it's only one of them."

Gordon: "What."

Bruce: *realizes he never filled Gordon in on Red Hood*

[everwalldigan]

My favourite thing ever is when Jason is drawn to resemble Bruce because I KNOWW his ass would HATE it😭😭

Dick: hey Jason you haven’t forgotten our meet u— oh my god are you ok?? What happened?

Jason *rocking back and forth on the floor with a traumatised look in his eyes, whispering in horror* someone mistook me for Bruce in the grocery store today.

Random kid at a charity event pointing at Jason standing grumpily in a corner: who’s that?

Bruce (smiling fondly): that’s my son Jason!

Random kid: he looks like you! :D

Jason: *leaves the room*

Bruce (running after him): jason, Jason they didn’t mean anything by it, Jason, you’re going to jump off a balcony just because of a child’s observation Jason?

[blackbatest]

my most controversial batman opinion to date

[demonicsuffrage]

It's so wild when you think about how much of a shift the batkids had after they were adopted by Bruce, because NONE had a sibling and were like-

Dick, who accidentally walked into Tim's room, spotting the robin shrine he has there:

Tim: ...I can explain

Dick, walking out: Nevermind! It's my fault for wishing for siblings when I was a kid

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason: Who the hell tweeted 'skibidi toilet rizz' 56 times from my twitter?!

Tim, salty about the titans tower incident, laptop in hand still open to Jason's twitter account:

Jason:

Jason: I wish Bruce had adopted a puppy instead of you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, fuming after Bruce got them a shared hotel room on a vacation: I miss the days when I was an only child

Tim: Didn't your mom make like two thousand clones of you?

Damian: I would've preferred sharing my inheritances with all 2000 of them instead of you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick, entering his room at the manor after a patrol and spotting Duke on his bed and immediately shrieking: BRUCE, THERE'S A RANDOM KID IN MY ROOM

Bruce: Dick, this is your newest brother, Duke

Dick: And you gave him my room?!

Duke: Wow, the colour scheme in here is so 80s

Dick: Consider me and you estranged from now on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Jason, unblock your brother, he is currently crying in the living room because of it.

Jason, had blocked Dick after the thirst trap Dick posted got over 100k views on tiktok and now everyone and their sibling was asking for Dick's number: What brother? I identify as an only child.

[lovesick-joey]

fyi your dad is a whor—

[the-lumpfish-king]

[clingonlikeclingwrap]

AU where Tim wasn’t ever obsessed with the Flying Graysons or Batman and Robin, and thus never found out their identities. And then at 15 years old his class gets assigned a “fun” research project to propose who resident boogeyman Batman could be and, being the overachieving genius that he is, Tim gets sucked into a conspiracy theory rabbit hole and actually uncovers the truth. Mostly he’s mad that he can’t actually give his excellent presentation bc he can’t compromise Batman’s identity even more, can he?

Part 2

[jasontoddspussy]

yeah, tim. watch your words

ignore that i cant count im too lazy to edit it now woops

psst.... damian designed dick a ponysona... which is totes the 4th panel... i didnt forget it no.....

think this is funny? check out the fanfic "Batchat" by Saphomet that inspired it!

[thebibliosphere]

I started out trying to make the original Wayne Manor from the 1940s comics in the Sims, which is a much smaller house, but somewhere along the way of mapping out the floor plan, I realized it was going to be a nightmare to place any of the furniture so now it's a much Bigger version that'll take my sims 4 business days to traverse from one end to the other or die trying.

This is why Bruce moved into the brownstone after Alfred died. Like yes, it was also his grief and so full of memories, but you can just tell that man woke up one day, looked at the distance from one of the foyer to the other and went, "Nah."

[incorrectbatfam]

Jason's emergency contact is "anyone but Bruce" but folks only read "Bruce" and call him anyway

[violent138]

Batman loses Robin at a Robin cosplay competition that's being used as a money laundering operation.

"Robin--" Bruce took in the many, many Robins around him. He can barely hear anything over the comms because of the noise.

Intercom moments later: "Richard, uh, who is also successfully cosplaying as Robin, your dad would like you to meet him by the water fountain in the east corner thanks."

[everwalldigan]

“I work alone” says Batman with 50 different teenage and ex teenage vigilantes shoved up his cape

[melucomarket]

Sometimes, it be like that, yfm?