#bard ass looking wizard

[daybrightsims]

I am SO SICK OF SAVING THIS GUY. Shoulda let your ass blow up.

[catscraftsandcommentary]

I need Lambert/Milena in a Shrek AU.

Just imagine with me:

Duke de Roggeven insults a powerful wizard (we all know he would - he'd be lucky if it was only ONE) who then curses his daughters. All three of them.

(ETA: he pissed off Yennefer. Probably insulted her mixed elven heritage and/or her inability to have kids, so she went "alright. Let's see how you feel when YOUR daughters are inhuman and infertile monsters.")

By night, each of them transforms into a different non-human humanoid: Marta is a succubus (all her lust for power and a crown turned into a different kind of lust - and we'll pretend that succubi *can* live without sex, but they feel sick and hungry the whole time), Marika is an elf (still elegant and pretty, but inhuman enough to shock everyone - Marika didn't piss off Yennefer), and Milena is a witcher (Yennefer saw her strength and kindness and went "this suits you.")

Marta, of course, spends the entire time being FURIOUS at being some "sex obsessed half goat! I am the daughter of a DUKE! The ELDEST DAUGHTER! How dare she!" Marika isn't happy, per se, but she privately goes "it could be a LOT worse. I'll take it." Milena actually enjoys her new abilities - she's so strong! Her senses are much sharper! - and the eyes are rather pretty.

After being COMPLETELY HORRIFIED that his daughters (well, mostly Marta) are cursed to become non-humans by night, Duke de Roggeven locks them in a castle guarded by a dragon and then pretends that he's sent them abroad to stay with distant relatives.

Meanwhile, Marta is getting on EVERYONE'S last nerve with her constant bitching, Marika is trying to keep their lifestyle as pleasant as possible, and Milena...

Milena befriends the dragon. She thinks Villentretenmerth is fascinating, and when she learns that the three ladies who showed up to help the sisters are also dragons, she wants to learn as much as they can teach her.

(Marta refuses to acknowledge any of them. "I will not consort with beasts," she sniffs hautily, and locks herself in a private bedroom every night before sunset.)

So! Back in Redania, Duke de Roggeven has convinced everyone that Yennefer's line about "whoever breaks the curse will gain a treasure greater than gold or gems" means that they can gain literal treasure (and/or magical treasure) by rescuing and marrying his daughters, and not - to take an example COMPLETELY at random - their true love as a bride.

(Yes, true love is the cure. Of course it is.)

So the asshole king of Kaedwen hears about the supposed princess and holds a huge tournament - and Lambert shows up because "that fucker dumped a bunch of refugees in our mountains, the fucking bastard. Who does that?!"

Jaskier, being one of the refugees - and also a bard who can sense the potential for a good story - insists on coming with him. They 100% do the "Donkey won't stop singing until Shrek snaps at him to shut up - and then he hums" scene.

About five times.

(Geralt and Eskel either stayed home to help Vesemir manage the refugees or hang around the Kaedweni court to remind the king of his promise - and make sure he doesn't get any even WORSE ideas.)

(Lambert REFUSED to stay in Kaer Morhen when Vesemir was being bossy - "I get enough of him riding my damn ass during fucking winter, NO GODSDAMNED WAY." And his brothers very sensibly refused to let him stay in court longer than absolutely necessary because, uh, they've MET Lambert and they know exactly how badly it would go. So he gets rescue duty by default. At least the princess will be happy to get to Ard Carraigh and away from him. They send Jaskier with him to try to temper some of his, uh, Lambert-ness.)

Anyway! Lambert and Jaskier arrive at the tumbledown castle guarded by a dragon, and Jaskier is immediately like "oh how wonderful! How majestic! Look at that wingspan!" And Lambert is like "...remember how we're here to fight the bastard? We have to GET PAST HIM to rescue whatever noble bint got stuck out here."

Jaskier pouts.

Villentretenmerth finds all this terribly amusing, especially since he recognizes a witcher when he sees one. So he sticks his nose in their camp and asks (rumbles) "what makes you think that even a witcher can defeat the greatest and oldest of dragonkind?"

So Jaskier introduces them - as dramatically and fancily as possible - and states that they are here to rescue the princess.

Milena creeps out from Villentretenmerth's wing. "We are the daughters of the Duke de Roggeven, and there are three of us. I hope you will still take us home?"

Villentretenmerth sighs. This girl. Always getting underfoot. "I will let you take the ladies with you - but you must convince them to leave freely. If they refuse - now or later - I will take them back."

"He sent THREE girls to some remote fucking castle? Fucker. Yeah, I'll take you all. Jask, let's find 'em and get out of here."

So Milena leads them up to the tallest tower where her sisters spend their day. I can't decide if I want Marta to do the whole "sleeping beauty waiting for a kiss" thing (assuming that JASKIER is her princely rescuer and Lambert is just there as a guard.) If she does, she'll get a rude surprise when Lambert shakes her awake and tells her to pack anything she's taking with her, they're LEAVING.

So the guys get the ladies and lead them out - pretending to ignore the hissing and squabbling that said ladies are doing behind the men's backs - and are unhappily surprised AGAIN because not only are their rescuer(s) NOT a prince and his retinue, they don't even have HORSES.

The dragons, of course, are watching this with amusement...and no little relief at getting rid of Miss Complainer the Eldest.

I'm gonna say it takes less than two days for Marta and Lambert to have a truly nasty fight. She wants a horse. A private carriage, really, but she'll SETTLE for a horse. Purebred, obviously. And fashionable new dresses, and BATHS, and food cooked in an actual KITCHEN, and a private bedroom from sundown to sunrise, and...

Lambert is just like "look lady, I don't get any reward until I deliver you, I don't have the coin for any of that, and I wouldn't waste on stupid fucking luxuries if I did."

This does not go over well. At all. There are very angry words shouted about his lack of preparation, decorum, breeding, proper dress...the list is endless.

Lambert gives exactly zero shits.

Milena is watching the fight with interest - she finds him FASCINATING - and Marika is mostly trying to stay out of it. She agrees with Marta on most of the points - their tower-castle was reasonably comfortable, certainly more so than this long hike back to civilization - but also, freedom.

If only they were returning home instead of to a strange country...

Which is about when Villentretenmerth - as the human Borsch - walks into their camp, accompanied by the three dragon woman who have been tending to the sisters. "Marchionesses. Wolf. Bard. I warned you I would take the ladies back if they wished to leave your company."

"The TOWER is better than staying with this BARBARIAN," Marta sniffs. "And Father arranged for marriages for Marika and I already!"

(She knows she gets the crown prince - and she knows that Kaedwen's king is a murderous asshole. Being queen doesn't count if she's not alive to enjoy it...and she won't have allies there to help her plot regicide. She's ambitious, not stupid.)

Somehow, it works out that Borsch and his friends take Marta and Marika back while Lambert and Jaskier continue to Kaedwen with Milena. There is ABSOLUTELY a scene where Lambert is out hunting when bandits try to attack the supposedly unguarded noblewoman and bard, and Milena thoroughly kicks their ass.

Lambert runs back just in time to be HELLA aroused impressed at Milena. Jaskier is already composing an ode to her.

They arrive at Ard Carraigh. Stuck up knights send for the king, who pretends he's a decent person long enough to carry Milena off on a fancy horse. Half an hour later, just as Lambert is moping about losing his new friend, his brothers arrive and go "quick, where's the lady? We have to get out her out of here!"

A very confusing but short explanation-argument later, Eskel and Geralt are chasing after Lambert as he storms the royal palace BY HIMSELF, because like hell will he leave Milena to that monster!

The confrontation is absolutely the most dramatic thing Ard Carraigh has seen in decades, with the witchers storming in just after Milena is crowned but before she can kiss her new husband...

...whom Lambert immediately punches in the face. "HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE YOU KILLED?!? HOW MANY, ASSHOLE? Did you even bother to COUNT THEM?"

Everyone gasps. Eskel and Geralt keep the guards back with drawn swords.

"NO MORE! I *WILL NOT* let you murder Milena for your sick fucking games!"

The king tries to splutter something, but Lambert takes his head off before he can get it out.

And then the sun sets.

And Milena...changes.

Scars from her training with the dragons, greater muscles than any noblewoman should have, and her eyes...

She shrieks - not at the king's death or the witchers' violence, but at her own secret coming out. She's hidden it for so long, and so carefully...she'll never survive this. The Kaedweni court will turn her out, if they don't execute her with her (very briefly) husband -

And then Lambert takes her hand.

"Milena? Are you...okay? Did they hurt you? What happened?"

"I'm CURSED! My sisters and I are cursed - for years now!"

He looks at her. "Y'look fine to me. It suits you."

"Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you. Never have, never will. And I think you look - good. Really good. The dress is kinda silly - "

Milena giggles. She thought the same thing, when her maids were lacing and buttoning her into the massive thing.

"But YOU are gorgeous. Always have been."

"You still like me? Even..."

"As mutated and scarred up as I am? I'd have to be a fool not to. You're the bravest, strongest, most amazing woman I've ever met."

And she kisses him. She has to, can't hold it back.

(Cue the curse breaking - and leaving her as a witcher.)

Obviously there's cleanup, but Milena IS the queen, and is suddenly betrothed to the man who killed the murderous previous king - so it works out.

And then Villentretenmerth comes back.

[shakesthewizard]

Now I want to know some of your polycule dynamic ideas for the bad kids???

This is a dream come true, okay walk with me

Let's start out with a couple of what I would consider fundamental pairings. In most any configuration of the group you can think of, most if not all of these are gonna be necessary for me to really get invested.

Fabriz. Duh. Need I say more.

Fabadaine. It's my fucking roman empire and I WILL go on about it for another thousand words if you ask

Figadaine. Support women's wrongs! Going shopping! My girlfriend is a rockstar and we make out backstage! My girlfriend is the elven oracle and we make out twice because she has a vision of it happening first!

I've also got some pairings that are nice on their own, but that I don't find like, mandatory if you're gonna sell me on something.

GorgugxFig. She's so loudly angry to hide her fear; he's so quietly scared of his own anger. She made him join her band and he's probably the better musician. They're so nice to each other.

FigxKristen. Fall into temptation. Make out with the devil on your shoulder. She helps you kill your god. She becomes your devoted paladin. The ArchDevil of Rebellion pulls you into a cosmic war against the very divinity you were the Chosen One for.

Now as for larger groupings, things get pretty fun. There are so many to choose from. Like for example:

The Bad Boys. Like as a throuple. Think about it. You're the cool son of a famous pirate; you're already kicking ass at bloodrush; youre hot shit. A metalhead and a briefcase kid latch onto you like barnacles. This is so embarassing. Cut to a month later and you're all on a rooftop sharing a cigarette and looking at the stars. The briefcase kid kisses you, and metalhead is next in line. Briefcase kid is also your best friend, even without the insane new tension and the fact that he can dismantle your coolguy persona with seemingly no effort. He tastes like burnt coffee. Even ignoring how metalhead can crack skulls, but treats you with gentleness and even hesitation, like he's afraid you'll turn him down. As if. His bangs get in the way when he kisses you.

The Bad Girls as a throuple. This one feels almost too obvious for words. Three girls who are all trying so hard and failing to be normal, but from three different directions. Imagine one day seeing the uptight wizard girl with rich parents and girl who tried to convert you to fantasy mormonism on her first day both walk into school one day holding hands with that punk girl who's in a band and who has already turned like six other students gay just by being cool and pretty. Then at lunch, they're all sitting together, and the elf and the cleric both have the bard's lipstick on their lips and cheeks. The cleric looks at you. She winks. You go home confused.

Figaydadaine. Figayda I don't have to sell you on, but you can't tell me Ayda and Adaine aren't so fucking cute together it hurts. They make spells for each other! Adaine has the key to the Wizard's Synod! Adaine killed her dad with Ayda's spell. Come ON, this shit writes itself. Honestly Aydaine is so good by itself

There's also an extended world of qpr among the bad kids - Rizdaine would be a great example of this. I don't think of them as a Couple, but they are SO close and there's so much trust and intimacy there. That's a pair that cuddle while watching movies or doing mystery stuff.

qpr FigGug is another great possibility. Just take all the sweet support and kindness they already have and pry out the romance.

I think if you pitched me another pair/group I could find something interesting about it, but those are my off-the-dome thoughts. Thanks for asking!

[thecampjuicebox]

To have and to hold Pt. 3 (End)

Pairing: Tav(f) x Gale x Astarion

POV: 2nd person (Reader is Tav)

Rating: 18+ Minors DNI

Warnings: Marriage (throuple), smut, fluff, fingering, oral (f receiving), potential game spoilers (mostly just character names)

This is the end of "To have and to hold" as a story, I really hope you all enjoy! It's going to be a long one so I can do this ending justice. Let me know if you want more stuff like this in the future!

Gale paces back and forth nervously, little beads of sweat pooling above his eyebrows. He guides his hands over the front of his pale blue robes, the smooth fabric flattening beneath his trembling fingers. Tonight's the night. And you're late. Astarion rests comfortably against the wall of the temple, fiddling with the end of his coat, soft silver hair jostling ever so slightly in the autumn breeze. He traces the silver filigree around the bottom seem and admires how it sparkles in the light of the full moon. The newly rebuilt Selune temple stands tall at the end of a long cobblestone bridge, the outer edges of the bridge decorated with grand displays of flowers, tall metal arches adorned with moonstone turning the bridge into an extravagant tunnel. It's truly breathtaking, and it still does nothing to calm the wizard's anxiety. Everyone is already waiting inside, bards at the ready. Gale continues to pace. Back and forth, back and forth, mumbling little "Where is SHE"s and "I'm going to kill her"s to himself, earning an amused chuckle from Astarion.

"Calm your nerves, Wizard. She'll be here soon enough."

"Gods, she'd be late to her own funeral."

Quick footsteps thunder towards the two men and Gale whips around at the noise. Karlach barrels towards them, waving her arms. to shoo them into the building.

"Both of you! Inside! Now! She's coming!"

Gale throws his arms up in frustration, grabbing Astarion by the elbow and they rush into the temple. Wyll and Halsin are already waiting at the altar, hands folded neatly in front of them. Gale peeks around the corner to assess the size of the crowd, air catching in his throat when he sees just how many people showed up for the ceremony. The late, and not at all shocking, news of the addition of Astarion to the ceremony didn't seem to dissuade any of the guests. He breathes a sigh of relief and motions to Volo to start the music, Volo excitedly swinging his arms about at the bards. Lutes, lyres, and flutes all play in a beautiful harmony, Alfira singing softly to welcome Gale down the isle first, Astarion following not far behind. They both take their places on each side of the altar, the white haired cleric of Selune, Isobel, exchanging kind smiles with each of them.

You stand outside, large bouquet in your hands, the soft green ivies and hanging bell flowers nestled amongst the Selune's Tears and Crocus flowers trickling towards the ground, contrasting against the pale blue silk of your dress. Your last second dress change was Shadowheart's idea and you couldn't thank her more. Silver filigree and moon symbols adorn the bodice of the dress, silver velvet cloak swaying behind you in the night time breeze. You shiver lightly, wiggling your fingers beneath the heavy foliage of your bouquet. Shadowheart asses you carefully, poking and prodding at the neat plaits of dark hair that encircle your head. You giggle and hold still for her. She carefully places a small moon hair pin in the back of the braids, fixing its position a few times before settling on a spot she agrees with. She smiles to herself, gently stroking your back for a moment before stepping away and mumbling a quiet "Perfect." Karlach takes a small handkerchief from her back pocket and wipes under her eyes, hot tears threatening to stain her cheeks. You poke out your bottom lip and fight back tears of your own, gently reaching up to stroke Karlach's cheek, soothing her.

"I'm just so happy for you, Soldier. You're really doing it. And you look so beautiful."

"Oh! I almost forgot!"

Your head cocks to the side at Shadowhearts sudden exclamation, watching as she pulls a thin silver necklace from a pouch beneath her skirts, unclasping it and bringing it around your neck. A small silver moon pendant with a teardrop cut moonstone dangle rests against your pale skin, sitting snuggly between your collar bones. You gently run your fingers over the cool metal and smile, closing your eyes to savor this moment. It's actually happening. You're about to marry the loves of your life. You truly couldn't be happier now. All of your fear falls to the wayside, doubt being swept away by the autumn wind.

"Onward."

Karlach huffs quietly and moves to the handle of the left door to the temple, Shadowheart following suit to the right. You nod at them both and they swing the doors open, stepping inside before you. You hear the music swell, Alfira singing sweet melodies as Shadowheart and Karlach walk arm in arm down the isle towards the altar. They both settle to the right of the cleric on Astarion's side. Halsin waves to them excitedly, quickly straightening back up when Volo's voice thunders through the temple.

"Esteemed guests, I now present to you, the bride."

You inhale sharply, feeling as though you should hold your breath and you walk forward, breeching the temple doors. The crowd stands. Candles light the isle as you walk, the entire room of friends and family from each side settling their gaze on you. The music softens to an ethereal tune and Alfira simply hums, carefully strumming at her lute. The sights and sounds are enough to bring Gale to tears and he quickly swipes his thumbs under his eyes, Astarion chuckling at him once more until his gaze finally falls upon your frame. He scans your figure and gulps, mumbling a soft "Gods..". His breath catches in his throat, immediately choking him up. The two keep their eyes fixed on you as you walk, your cloak and the small train of your silk dress trailing being you. No goddess could compare to the way you look right now. You smile and blink tears away from your brown eyes, lashes coated in little droplets. Little gasps and coos flutter through the crowd and you approach the altar, Shadowheart reaching out to take your bouquet from you. You carefully hand it off to her and smile, your bottom lip catching between your teeth. She gives you a reassuring nod and you blink slowly. Isobel steps forward, raising both of her hands to instruct the crowd to sit and they obey, little sounds of feet shuffles echoing through the temple room before all falls silent.

"Welcome friends, family, lovers. Tonight we gather under the light of the Moon Maiden Selune to unite these families. Tav, Gale, Astarion, please join hands and kneel before me."

The three of you join hands, Gale capturing your left and Astarion capturing your right. You all kneel on the step of the altar carefully, Astarion and Gale helping to adjust your dress so you don't crumple it beneath your knees. You give each of them a sweet smile before turning your attention back to the cleric. The witnesses at the altar all lower their heads, eyes falling shut as they listen. The cleric sings in an unfamiliar language, raising her hands to the open ceiling of the temple, the full moon shining down on you and all of the guests. You sigh quietly and give Gale and Astarion's hands a gentle squeeze. They return the squeeze and your eyes flutter closed, a sense of calm washing over you while you listen to Isobel’s hymns. Her voice fades out, the room falling silent once more. A cool breeze sweeps through the temple, rustling your hair and cloak, making you shiver. The cleric stares up at the sky, eyes glowing with the bright light of the moon.

"She is with us.. Moon Maiden, hear me. Grant your love and protection over these souls as they unite under your light. Embrace them in your warmth, oh mother. Lead them through darkness, through sickness, through blight. Fill their hearts with your patience. Show them the way. So it shall be."

The crowd quietly mumbles in response "So it shall be". Isobel turns to a small table on the altar, two silver chalices shimmering in the moonlight placed with purpose in the middle of it. Your fingers tremble with excitement in your lovers' hands. The cleric raises the chalice carefully to the open sky, mumbling in the unfamiliar language again before instructing you to stand. You release Gale and Astarion's hands and approach Isobel.

"Moon milk, for protection, abundance, and fertility. Drink, my child. Accept the Moon Maiden into your heart and into your womb. Allow her to guide you. So it shall be."

You accept the chalice from her strong hands, raising it to the sky and mumbling "So it shall be" before taking a small sip of the milk, the cool liquid coating your throat and you sigh. She encourages you to finish the chalice with a small wave of the hand. You oblige, tilting your head back and swallowing the last of the sweet drink. You hand her the chalice carefully and she places a hand on your abdomen, mumbling quietly to herself. Astarion raises an eyebrow. Gale swats at his hand and the vampire grunts quietly. The cleric eyes the two men before tracing the symbol of a moon into your forehead, finally releasing you to join your lovers once more. She then motions for the two men to join her and she raises the second chalice into the air, mumbling a new prayer to the open sky.

"Wine, for protection, abundance, and patience. Drink, my child. Accept the Moon Maiden into your heart. Allow her to guide you. So it shall be."

She hands the chalice to Astarion first. He eyeballs the liquid inside. White wine. Certainly not his favorite. He closes his eyes and raises the chalice to the sky. "So it shall be." Taking a small sip, his body trembles at the taste, the unfamiliar burn making him cough lightly. Halsin chuckles and Wyll nudges his shoulder to shut him up. Shadowheart shoots eyes like daggers in their direction and they turn their attention back to the display on the alter, cheeks burning with embarrassment. Astarion hands the cleric the chalice and she then hands it to Gale, the ritual being repeated exactly the same way. The cleric clasps her hands together and smiles at the three of you, motioning for you to join hands one more and you obey.

"Family, friends, witnesses. By the power of the Moon Maiden Selune, I now declare these three to be wed. You may now share a kiss."

Astarion wastes no time pulling you to him, his lips crashing to yours and the crowd of guests cheers. Volo quickly motions for the group of bards to play "Bard Dance", Alfira strumming happily on her lute, spinning in little circles and dancing about with the others. Gale keeps hold on your hand, impatiently waiting for Astarion to stop the theatrics before he pulls you over to him. He embraces you gently, pressing his lips to yours in a sweet kiss, much less desperate than Astarions. You sigh against his lips and the vampire scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest, a small smirk hanging on his wet lips. Shadowheart, Wyll, Halsin, and Karlach all rush down to the three of you, embracing you in a tight group hug. You giggle, smashed between all of the warm bodies and Astarion groans out loud.

"Gods, you're all too much!"

...

The long and exhausting night of festivities comes to a close, family and friends bidding your their final farewells as they seek the inns for sleep. Halsin throws a drunken Shadowheart over his stocky shoulder and she beats against his muscular back in protest, small hiccups leaving her before she finally gives in and goes limp in his grasp. Karlach stumbles into Wyll, laughing loudly, her bright flames burning a deep shade of purple and she wiggles an eyebrow in his direction. Wyll sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and his index finger. You giggle to yourself, your own wine buzz sending tingles up and down your spine. You eye your new husbands, both seemingly tired of the shenanigans that they've watched all night. The trek to your tower is short, filled with giggles and little kisses, reminiscing about the nights' events.

Astarion scoops your small frame up bridal style once you reach the front door, chucking at the small yelp he earns from you and he carries you past the threshold of the quaint wizard tower, Gale following close behind with your cloak in hand. He watches you both with love drunk eyes, carefully closing the front door behind the group and he tosses your cloak onto the bench below him. Astarion places you on your feet and you smooth your dress down carefully, reaching back to remove the moon hair pin that Shadowheart had given to you. With a swift tug, the pin releases your hair, the thick dark braids on top of your head falling with it and the plaits unravel themselves. You shake your head to further release your hair, the locks falling in perfect waves down your shoulders and back now. You reach your hands up to soothingly scratch at your scalp, sighing in pure pleasure at the relief taking down your hair has given you. Gale moves behind you now, hands resting on your hips, rubbing soothing circle into them as he leans down and buries his face into the side of your neck. He inhales your scent, the perfume you chose for your wedding night standing out to him distinctly. Rose water and orchid, a flowery scent he wasn't used to smelling on you. He sighs against your skin, peppering the area with the softest little kisses. Astarion steps toward the two of you, pressing his torso to yours, his hands resting on top of Gales at your hips. He pecks a kiss to your forehead, leaving a trail of kisses to the opposite side of your neck from Gale and he takes inventory of the knew smell as well. You shudder at the sudden overwhelming amount of sensations, your entire body breaking out in goosebumps. Gales fingers move to your back, fiddling with the corset lacing holding your dress on your body.

"Why don't we.. Get this off."

He tugs at one of the laces, loosening the ties. The dress drapes on your frame and Astarion reaches his hands up to slide the silk fabric down your shoulders, bodice moving down your torso to expose your breasts, nipples already hardening at the temperature change. You hiss at the cold air now assaulting your chest and back, both men making quick work of sliding your dress the rest of the way down your shivering body. Two pairs of lips latch to your skin, Astarion's sucking little bruises on the flesh of your breast while Gale works the side of your neck, tongue lapping at the skin there sweetly. You lean back into Gale, pulling Astarion closer to you, your mouth falling open. The vampire's right hand comes up to grasp at your breast, kneading the sensitive flesh as he kisses and licks on the other, tongue occasionally flicking over your painfully erect nipple. You buck your hips backwards, ass meeting Gale's growing bulge. You groan in excitement, completely unsure of what to do with your hands. Reaching forward needily, you gasp at the front of Astarions coat, fumbling with the silver metal buttons.

"Hm, a needy little thing, isn't she Gale?"

Astarion's honeyed tone makes your knees buckle. Gale nods in agreement, fingers toying with the plush skin of your thighs now.

"I think we should take this upstairs."

Gale lifts you into his arms and begins to ascend the stairs, leaving your wedding dress in the middle of the floor. You lace your arms around his neck, gazing up into his hungry eyes. He looks forward, determined to make it to the bedroom quickly. Astarion follows close behind, sliding his coat off and tossing it behind him, fingers working on the buttons of his silk shirt next. He smirks at you over Gale's shoulder and you eye him carefully, bottom lip trapped between chattering teeth. You let out an audible gasp when Gale suddenly tosses you onto the bed. You sink into the soft pillows and blankets, the smooth fabrics against your naked skin feeling absolutely delicious. Astarion steps behind Gale, helping him remove his coat and shirt, the two men standing in only their leathers now. You peer up at them, arousal burning between your thighs. Astarion steps in front of Gale and traces his fingers around the mark of the orb, earning a shuddering moan from Gale's lips. In a swift motion, Astarion captures Gale's lips with his, his hand sliding up and into the back of his hair. The two men press tightly together, hips grinding into one another feverishly. You groan at the sight. Gods, they're beautiful. Gale pulls away reluctantly and chews his bottom lip, eyes fixed on Astarion's before moving to you, your naked body causing him to salivate. He moves to the bed, reaching down to run his fingers over the soft silk of your underwear. He was surprised you'd worn any at all.

"Off with them."

His tone is commanding and unfamiliar, but you obey him, thumbs sliding into the corners of the fabric. You drag them down your thighs and kick them off. Astarion raises an eyebrow in amusement at the wizard's new found courage, hands resting on his hips.

"I'm impressed, Gale. What else can you do?"

Gale scoffs. Astarion takes a seat next to you on the bed, moving up and behind you so your head can rest in his lap and he strokes your soft hair away from your face. Grinning up at him, you pucker your lips playfully and he chuckles. Gale settles at the end of the bed, fingers tracing lazy shapes into your thighs, a quiet yawn stretching his mouth open.

"Careful, wizard. You'll catch flies."

"Gods I'm so happy I married you, Astarion."

You giggle at their banter and pure joy engulfs you in warmth. This moment is perfect. You are happy. Never did you think you'd be wed to both Gale and Astarion, a fantasy most ladies in Faerun wouldn't dare mutter in public. You feel so lucky. Your thoughts are halted suddenly as Gale slides his fingers up your inner thigh, pressing your legs apart and into the bed beneath you. You gasp loudly at the force of his grip. He smirks up at you from between your legs, brown eyes glowing in the lanternlight. Watching hip lick his lips at the sight of you makes your body weak and you slump back against Astarion, his toned arms pulling you up and into his lap gently, hands pushing your thighs apart for Gale once more. You chew on the skin of your bottom lip, picking little pieces off and drawing blood. Tiny droplets dot your lips and Astarion catches on to the scent immediately, lids lowering. He inhales deeply through his nose. "Mm.. A treat." Your lips flatten into a smirk. Gale sits up on his knees, reaching his fingers out to trace the top of your mound. You hiss and shudder. Astarion nuzzles his nose into your neck, breathing heavily against the sensitive skin there, tongue flicking out to trace the barely healed pierce marks from his last feeding. You obediently tilt your head to the side to expose more of your neck to him. With a quiet groan, he sinks his teeth into your tender flesh and begins to suck, earning a steady stream of crimson. You grasp onto the soft sheets beneath you, pain like shards of glass making you tense until the familiar numbness sets in. You go limp. Gale watches closely, taking advantage of your boneless state to swipe his fingers through your slick folds. You react quickly, hips bucking forward at the new sensation. Astarion pulls away to lick the remnants of your blood from his lips. He grins.

Your legs tremble with excitement and you wiggle your hips, silently begging to be touched again. Gale grants you temporary relief with another swipe, this time lower. He collects your slick on the tip of his finger and spreads it around your clit, rubbing agonizingly slow circles. You mewl in response to the gentle friction, rolling your hips upwards to push against his fingers. He backs off, shaking his head at you and you whine.

"Patience, my love."

"Yes, patience, pet."

Astarion smirks and licks a long stripe up the side of your neck, sliding a hand up into the back of your hair and giving your head a forceful tug back. You yelp in pain, gritting your teeth. The low growl that rumbles in Astarion's chest makes your hips buck upwards and Gale chuckles, fingers meeting your core once more. He circles his fingers around the outside of your clit, dipping down to collect more of the slick that's pooling beneath you now, a puddle forming on the sheets.

"Hm.. So messy. Just for us, Astarion."

Gale groans, sliding a finger into your aching cunt and you cry out into the night air, Astarion leaning in close to your ear to coach you through the sensations. He whispers softly, making your cheeks and chest flush deep red.

"That's it.. So good. So good."

You spread your legs wider for Gale, writhing in Astarion's tight grip. He hushes you, fingers tightening around your tangled locks. He pushes your head forward, forcing you to watch as Gale inserts another finger, pumping in and out slowly, not giving you any time to adjust to being filled by his thick digits. Gale grinds his hips into the mattress and moans at the small amounts of friction his leathers provide. Astarion watches intensely, eyes flicking from you, to Gale, and back again, his own erection straining painfully against his leathers. He reaches a free hand down and palms at his bulge. Gale curves his fingers upwards inside of you, your walls fluttering at the change of position and you melt into Astarion's lap now, moans silencing to strained gasps. Your mouth hangs open. Gods, he's torturing you. The pale vampling behind you releases his grip on your hair, smoothing the tousled locks back into place, his eyes fixed on Gale's hand now, digits pumping furiously in and out of your cunt. That knot tightens in your belly, threatening to snap at any moment. You grind your hips up against Gale's palm and whine his name loudly, hands now resting on Astarion's thighs and you use them as leverage to push yourself up further towards Gale.

Astarion leans back on his hands, perfectly content with watching the show. It's no secret that Astarion finds so much pleasure in watching you be pleasured. Whether it be by him, yourself, or someone else. The sight and sounds alone are enough to completely unravel him. You learned this during your encounter in the Underdark and you think about it often. The way he's comfortable just sitting back and watching Gale touch you. Gale has learned the same habit in the couple of weeks the three of you have lived together before the wedding. A few nights were spent with Astarion between your legs and Gale just watching. Enjoying. Savoring the moment. You always offered to reciprocate, and they both often refuse. This moment is no different.

"G-Gale, I'm so close.."

Gale leans in quickly, the flat of his tongue pressing firmly to your clit, rubbing back and forth against the swollen nub while his fingers continue to pump into your cunt, arousal coating his hand. Your hips find a steady rhythm and you grind upwards, pleasure bubbling, bubbling, bubbling, BURSTING inside of your gut. You gasp loudly, clinging to Astarion's legs on either side of you, riding the tidal wave of your orgasm as Gale continues to lick at you furiously. His fingers slow their motion and he carefully slides them out, your jaw falling open again at the sudden emptiness. Your walls flutter around nothing, swollen clit pulsating. You bring your knees to your chest, curling up into Astarion's abdomen, wanting nothing more than to be simply absorbed by him. He chuckles at the closeness and lies down on his side, tugging your back to his torso. He snakes his arms sleepily around you, Gale following suit to snuggle up to the front of you. Both men hold you and each other tightly, exchanging sleepy kisses and rubbing noses with one another. Your eyes meet Gale's and you mumble softly.

"Is there anything.. I can do? For you?"

Gale shakes his head, hand lifting to cup your still flushed cheeks and he strokes your high cheekbone with his rough thumb.

"Nothing at all."

He smiles down at you and you offer the same question to Astarion. He ponders for a moment, unsure of how to answer. He's never been asked what he wants. Not in situations like this, anyway. He contemplates his options. He could obviously ask you to pleasure him. Get on your knees and let him rut into your mouth, let him use your holes like any other woman that's ever lusted after him. He shakes his head and grins, pressing a loving kiss to the top of your head.

"You've given me the one thing that no one else ever has, my love."

You quirk an eyebrow in confusion, turning your head to face him. Gale yawns, crawling out of bed to quickly check all of the curtains in the room, pressing any two together that he thinks might let in a little too much sunlight in the morning. He smiles to himself once each window is sufficiently covered and climbs back into bed, pulling a blanket up over the three of you. You watch Astarion for a moment before quietly asking.

"And what is that?"

He sighs happily, nuzzling his face into your warm neck, pressing you impossibly close to him. A quiet yawn escapes him and his lids flutter closed.

"A choice."

[daisybeewrites]

Agents of Shield as ✨DnD Archetypes✨

~Daisy~

Daisy! my baby love girl boss queen… is a sorcerer! She’s smart, she’s fun, she has magic powers from ancient dna in her blood! She’s deeply connected to the natural environment, and is friends with the smallest atoms. She’s cool and everyone knows it.

~Jemma~

Look at her. Look. At. Her. She is smol, she is lovely, she will fuck you up if needed! My girl is a wizard. Her strength may be a solid 10, but she’s got a +10 to all intelligence rolls. She has three PhDs in beating her enemy’s ass. Just imagine her in sparkly robes. Or cool jeans and a jean jacket. Jemma definitely cosplayed as Adaine at some point.

~Fitz~

Our resident nerd is an artificer. Obviously. I feel that I don’t even need to explain this but just in case… he’s a magic engineer. He likes tinkering. Has definitely accidently blown up multiple labs playing with magical items. Duh.

~Melinda~

ROGUE. Melinda May is a rogue. You think you can hear her coming? No. She has sneak attack. She has a 20 stealth and proficiency. My bae sees all. She is Mom, and we all know that nothing gets past Mama May.

~Phil~

This may be a hot take. But. Coulson is a bard! His first instinct is to use charisma before drawing weapons. He may not have many fans (in universe), but you have to admit that people tend to love him. He loves music, he loves jokes, and most of the time he’s more focused on helping out his team than playing the hero. He would be such a good bard!!

~Bobbi~

My lovely Bobbi. Bobbi Morse is a fighter. In every sense of the word. She’s strong outwardly and emotionally; she’s loyal, almost to a fault. She has strong ethos and sticks to her guns. Bobbi watches everyone’s back always, because she loves them. She is the very best fighter there is.

~Hunter~

I wrestled with calling him the clown and calling it a day, however…! I have made the executive decision that Hunter is a ranger. He is great at keeping his distance (derogatory) but c’mon, you can’t stay mad at him. He lays low and moves quickly. I also think it’s funny how caring he is and charismatic he tries to be and literally his strongest trait is dodging all the quips and pillows that are thrown at him. Dex baby! Hunter is (fittingly) a ranger!

~Daniel~

Daniel… my sweet Daniel. Mr. Sousa here is, I firmly believe, also a ranger. Idk. I’m between ranger or paladin, because I feel like yeah sure he’s the boy scout survival guy but at the same time I think he’s the stable, healer type. He has strong morals (square lol) and I feel like that translate well into both ranger and paladin :)

Should I make a part II? ☺️

[millportisntreal]

As a certified huge nerd, I think about what it would look like for the foxes to play dungeons and dragons together. I think Nicky would be the DM bc he has a big imagination and way with words. Kevin would be really into min maxing his character (definitely a wizard) and meta gaming. Andrew wouldn’t play but would backseat DM or help Neil with his rogue. Allison would definitely be a college of glamour bard. Renee would be a paladin (religion AND bad ass fighting duh). Aaron would maybe be a cleric or another healer class. Matt would be a human fighter. Dan could be a barbarian or a monk I think, but I have a harder read on her.

Anyway, I just think that’s neat!

[y-rhywbeth2]

Lore: Common Phrases & Words

Accuracy Disclaimer & The Other Stuff [tldr: D&D lore is a giant conflicting mess. Larian's lore is also a conflicting mess. You learn to take what you want and leave the rest]

Abeir-Toril Why it's called the "Forgotten" Realms History | Time & Festivals | Lexicon [1] [2]| Languages | Living in Faerûn [1] [?] | Notable Organisations | Magic | Baldurs Gate | Waterdeep | The Underdark | Geography and Human Cultures --- WIP

Translating some earth phrases and words into their Faerûnian equivalents, plus some words specific to Faerûn; Here's how make friends and insult people in Faerûn. Also they have coffee, guitars and health insurance.

Also included a handful of Waterdhavian phrases and words.

-

Phrases and curses:

"Before all the gods..." - "I swear to god..."

"Well met" - default greeting; hello

"Well again" - greeting between acquaintances, business partners and friends.

"Well enough" - agreement; "ok", "that's fine with me"

“Never undress in a room with a window, a Harper may be near!” – "Be careful what you say, you don't know who's listening. an interesting warning courtesy of Waterdhavian noble matrons.

"Haularake!" - The polite way to say "gods fucking damn it!" while in front of small children.

"Hrast!" - Damn it!

"Hrasted [thing]!" - Damned [thing]!

"[Deity]'s Blood" - eg "Cyric's Blood" Religious oath, rather like jesus christ. Contracted version of Blood of [deity]

I swear that I have seen "Umberlee's Teats" and "Cyric's Balls" said somewhere...

"Being an ox-haunch" - "Being an asshole"

"a breath" - a moment, a second; "wait a breath"

"A breath or two" - A moment/second; eg, "give me a breath or two to finish this."

"A goodly breath or three" - a minute. (Waiting for a notable amount of time, maybe ten minutes, but not that long.) -- The dwarven variant is "but a little while" -- Halflings call it a "long song"

"Counting like a halfling" - Being contrary just to be difficult Most of the Realms counts on their fingers starting with the thumb, halflings do it the other way around.

"Naeth!", "Naed!" - Shit!

"Sabruin" - Fuck you, Fuck off.

"Lay down [good] coin" - "pay [a lot] for something"

“Resourceful as a bard”

"Life's better when you're not a frog." - "Avoid wizards."

“Sweet water and light laughter until next we meet” - A goodbye said between nobles. Technically an elven farewell, but human nobility decided it made them look cultured or something.

"Gone to Daggerford" - Waterdhavian phrase meaning to hide from the law by lying low outside the city

"Black as a black opal" - used to describe people who seem evil, but aren't really. (Especially if they'd dislike you saying so)

- Faerûnian Lexicon:

Scorchkettle - a Karen.

Dining-house - a Restaurant

Glim - Eye-catching, beautiful, flashy

Kaeth - Coffee ~Fireswallow - a colloquial term for Coffee.

Yarting - acoustic guitar

Short scroll - Newspaper

Nandra - mediocre, meh.

Dael, daelin - a year, years

Saer - a term to address nobility when you don't know the proper title, or when they're children

Lackwit - Idiot

Roundskull - a prejudiced idiot who doesn't use their brain; "often applied to local folk who sit drinking in their tavern displaying prejudices and repeating the words of their parents and grandparents, rather than making their own judgements about changing conditions around them, and new concepts, items, and customs."

Handfast - an engagement (to be married) Handfasted - engaged

Goldnose, Goldnosed - Haughty. aka. "Has a stick up their ass." Highnose - as above

Lackcoin - a derogatory term for those living in poverty.

Darkmorning - the early morning hours between midnight and sunrise

Highsun - Midday

the Eavestrough - the Gutter

a Bell - an Hour

a Candle - an Hour

Festhall - a type of establishment found in the Realms. A kind of fusion between an inn, laundromat, spa, night club, brothel and casino. I'll explain these in another post. Suffice to day that BG3 is the most accurate portrayal of how damn horny this setting is that I've seen in a CRPG so far.

Blesséd - an elven loanword referring to immediate family.

Harhand - a labourer (minimum wage employee)

Healthshield - Health insurance, also known as a "healing-bond"

Fire-bond - Fire insurance

Rivvim - horny

Dawnfry - colloquial term for breakfast A common breakfast, especially for travellers at camp, is to quickly fry the leftovers from last night's meal.

Highbite - colloquial term for lunch Long variant is "Highsunfest."

Latebite, Evenfest - Dinner Abbreviation of "Eveningfeast."

the Art - Magic

Lackspell - a weak, or novice wizard

Aloft - Upstairs; "she went aloft/upstairs."

High-coin - Expensive; or referring to a high paying job Low-coin - Cheap; or paying minimum wage

Finework - intricate and valuable metalwork. Silverware and jewellery, for example

Finesmith - a smith who works with precious metals.

Hiresword - Mercenary

Stareyed - naïve

Shraehouse - a type of very small tavern

Fastmud - Cement

a Swords out - a brawl or violent argument

a Smur - a light, misty rain

Beast-men - common word for ogres

Big Folk - Term used by gnomes and halflings to refer to the other races

Longears - term for an elf

Little man - insult aimed at dwarves

a Blackstick - something like a grease pencil. A writing utility made of a stick of thorden (juniper) wood that can be sharpened on one end, which is then slightly charred and used to write with.

a Blandreth - a three legged cooking pot

a Boot - a Traveller

Dadacky - Rotten, Decayed

Heartstop - a Heart attack

Coin - Money; "I've got no coin until I get paid next week."

a Broad Cry - Headline of a newspaper/broadsheet

Holy hand - a temple guard

Tenday - equivalent of a week (10 days instead of 7) Other, less commonly used terms include; an "eve," "hyrar", "ride" or a "domen".

the Elf day - the Weekend. The tenth day of a tenday, sometimes a day of rest.

House storming - a burglary; home invasion

the Realms Below - the Underdark

a Black Robe - a magistrate [Waterdhavian dialect]

a Sun - a platinum coin [Waterdhavian]

a Dragon - a gold coin [Waterdhavian]

a Shard - a silver coin [Waterdhavian]

a Nib - a copper coin [Waterdhavian]

[itsnotmystic]

SBI D&D AU!!

Okay so already we've got Techno as an oath of conquest paladin and Tommy as an oath of glory paladin.

I was chatting with my friend and we agreed Wilbur would be a bard multiclassed with either a wizard or artificer, but most likely an artificer.

(Interestingly, Ghostbur would be neither. My friend suggested a cleric, and his blue is how heals people. I feel like he'd possibly a druid.)

OG post that inspired this said Philza would be a warlock with devotion to Kristin, obviously.

I wanna say Niki would be a fighter. She's looked down on for not being "anything special," but she can kick your ass any day of the week, magic be damned. Her persistence and determination make her brutal in a fight.

Tubbo would be an artificer. Yeah.

Ranboo...hmmm. monk. or cleric.

[balanceoflightanddark]

"Nonetheless, ease and peace had left this people still curiously tough. They were, if it came to it, difficult to daunt or to kill; and they were, perhaps, so unwearyingly fond of good things not least because they could, when put to it, do without them, and could survive rough handling by grief, foe, or weather in a way that astonished those who did not know them well and looked no further than their bellies and their well-fed faces. Though slow to quarrel, and for sport killing nothing that lived, they were doughty at bay, and at need could still handle arms. They shot well with the bow, for they were keen-eyed and sure at the mark. Not only with bows and arrows. If any Hobbit stooped for a stone, it was well to get quickly under cover, as all trespassing beasts knew well."

-J.R.R Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring, Prologue 1. Concerning Hobbits pgs. 5-6

This paragraph fascinates me for a few reasons. Often in fiction, a long period of peace is often used for explaining why people are so slow to react to a rising threat. That prolonged prosperity dulled the senses and breeds complacency. Indeed, Frodo himself does express some exasperation and almost wishes for a dragon or some evil force to invade the Shire to shake the Hobbits out of their complacency.

Which to some level is true here. It's a known fact that Hobbits like to keep out of the affairs of the "big people". Yet at the same time, even if they want to keep themselves isolated, it doesn't mean the world won't march into the Farthings regardless of what they want. After all, there wasn't a whole lot stopping the Nazgul or Saruman from entering their borders.

Yet at the same time, the paragraph does illustrate that just because Hobbits have grown accustomed to peace, doesn't mean they're pushovers. Consider Bandobras "Bullroarer" Took and the Battle of the Green Fields. When a goblin warband led by Golfimbel descended from the Misty Mountains and broke through the Dunedain's encirclement to invade the Shire, Bullroarer charged straight at the goblin ranks. He then proceeded to knock Golfimbel's head off and shatter the morale of the warband.

The story was repeated in the Battle of Bywater when Saruman decided to set up a criminal ring in the Shire after his defeat at the hands of the Ents. Long story short, once Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin returned, the Hobbits proceeded to raise up a sizeable force and effectively kicked Saruman out of the Shire. Mind you, Saruman used to be the greatest wizard in Middle-Earth, and the Hobbits led to his final defeat. That's two accounts of invasions of the Shire going badly for the invaders.

And that's not even getting into the adventures that Bilbo, Frodo, and his friends got into during the events of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings respectively. Bilbo was able to save the asses of Thorin's Company multiple times, discovered Smaug's weakpoint and indirectly relayed that to Bard via the Thrush, and risked life and limb to forestall a battle between the Dwarves, Men, and Elves till Bolg showed up. Frodo and Sam were ultimately able to destroy the One Ring, while Merry and Pippin were able to rouse the Ents into attacking Isengard. That's not even counting Merry being partially responsible for the death of the infamous Witch King.

So even though the Hobbits were accustomed to peace, they weren't complacent enough to be pushovers when presented with a threat. Personally, I think part of the reason this is so is because the Hobbits never forgot the basic necessities of a good life: a comfortable home, friends, family, and basically everything needed to live simply. They never indulged too much in luxury to become lax like Smaug, nor constantly scheming to take more power like Sauron or Saruman. They were happy with living simple on the farm.

It turns out, that's what gave them their edge. They were down to earth, so they had a good sense of morality thanks to living humble lives. Safeguarding their farms from wild animals meant that some Hobbits could recognize a threat when they realized it. And their sense of community and friendship got them through some of their hardest trials, like when Frodo almost succumbed to the Ring and Sam never gave up on him. Their sense of community and toughing it out through the hardest times such as during the Long Winter when Gandalf began to really warm up to the Hobbits, seeing the value and courage in them.

So while they're not the flashiest or most "badass" of Middle-Earth's free peoples, the Hobbits are some of the hardiest and "purest" races. And how ironically, peace never dulled their senses but served to toughen them up for the dark times ahead.

[wheretheharekissesthefox]

A pretty distraction

When Gale transforms into a woman during a mission, Tav and Astarion can’t keep their dirty thoughts at bay. Poor Karlach and Wyll get caught in the cross fire.

(Trigger warning (18+): graphic description of sex, smut, threesome, body worship, cowgirl, fellatio, fingering, polymorph spell)

Notes:

Karlach’s and Wyll’s faith is based on this fic.

"The Staff of Authority. What's that thing again?"

"It's the sceptre that the Council of Four passes onto their successors during the ceremony," Wyll explained a second time, slightly irritated. "It's a meaningful and important artefact of the Baldur's Gate nobles."

"How boring," Astarion retorted. "They have no imagination. They should have come up with something more fun. Like a butt plug. That would be more enjoyable than the stick those nobles have up their asses."

Wyll almost frothed at the mouth.

"Have you no respect? These noble families play an extremely important roles to keep Baldur's Gate the flourishing city it is!"

"It still can't hold a candle to the City of Splendors," Gale chimed in, smirking smugly.

"Stop encouraging Astarion's bad manners!" the warlock hissed.

"Calm down, sunshine. Gale's clearly teasing," Karlach chuckled and wrapped an arm around her lover.

Wyll grumbled unintelligible, but was glad for the grounding touch.

"But the Staff of Authority got stolen and your father tasked us with getting it back," Tav finished the conversation.

The vampire spawn wrinkled his nose.

"I never liked playing the hero."

"Stop complaining, love. We all know, deep down, you're a softie," the bard teased him lightly, kissing his cheek.

The addressed pursed his lips and tried to look more pissed than he actually was – and failed.

"At least, we know where the item is," Gale sighed. "I'm glad we're done drinking our way through every seedy tavern of the city. The watered-down beer was repelling. Downright vile."

"Oh, shut up, darling. We all know you prefer the finer things in life. Something full-bodied and red."

"Like me!" grinned Karlach and winked.

Tav burst out into laughter and the tiefling was pleased with herself.

"Anyway, we must hurry to get the Staff of Authority back because it'll be auctioned off via the black market tonight," Gale brought the conversation back to the original topic. "So, here's the plan; Tav will wear her best red dress, heading towards the building. The security guard will be distracted by her beauty and, with a weaponized smile and wink, she'll get pass them. After walking down the hallway, she'll enter the buffet room and open a window, complaining about the stuffy air inside. While everyone will move to the auction hall, Astarion will squeeze through the window, cloaked in an invisibility spell, make his way backstage to the storage room, and boom; we'll get the Staff of Authority back."

"You know that won't work, right?" remarked Astarion, eyeing the wizard judgingly. "Nobody would let Tav in, not to mention that she doesn't own a single dress in the first place."

"Well, we could make it work," replied the wizard, miffed.

"Let me do it then. I look smashing in red," beamed Karlach, already planning her sneak attacks.

Tsking, the vampire spawn rolled his eyes, annoyed of all the bullshit.

"I hate to be the one to say it, but Astarion's right," chimed Tav in. "Neither you nor I are what men typically desire in a woman."

Karlach pouted, fussing with her braids.

"We could really use Shadowheart right now," said Wyll.

"Mhm, but she can't neglect her duties as a high priestess of Selûne. They're really busy at the temple at the moment because the Moon Festival's near," Tav replied, looking wistful.

"Hm... I have an idea," Gale announced.

He waved about his arms elegantly, reciting a magic spell, and right before his friends' eyes, he turned into a beautiful, shapely woman.

"Gods, you're gorgeous!" Astarion blurted out.

Immediately, Gale turned crimson.

"You think so?" he muttered with a warm, singsong-y, sultry voice.

"Fuck," Tav breathed, enraptured.

"Indeed, darling. 'Fuck'," the vampire spawn snickered, licking his lips.

"Can you two stop eying your lover like a dish on the dinner table?" Wyll asked, uncomfortable.

"Oh, we'll eat him right up, don't you worry," Astarion purred and Gale hid his heated face behind his hands in embarrassment.

Wyll was thankful that his skin colour concealed the blush which would have been visible all across his face and neck otherwise. Karlach laughed and pulled him against her chest.

"Gale does look hot though," she smirked.

"Hold that thought," Tav told Astarion who grinned, "but first we must complete our task."

Instead of squeezing through a window, they used an invisibility spell to sneak into the building. Gale didn't even have to enchant the guards, all he needed was a sultry blink of his big, brown eyes, a coy smile, and the plunging neckline of his deep blue dress. Stealing back the Staff of Authority was easy – especially when being accompanied by someone who had nimble fingers like Astarion. Within five minutes, they were in and out of the building, and when the black market merchants realised that the item was gone and chaos broke out, Tav and her friends were already halfway across the city.

"That was easier than expected," grinned the bard. " Ulder Ravengard will be pleased."

Wyll's father was delighted about their successful deed, thanking them profoundly in the name of the Baldur's Gate population. Tav wished they would have received coin instead of praise, but beggars can't be choosers.

"Thank you for helping to keep a decades-old tradition alive," Ulder beamed. "It would have been an absolute devastation to lose such an important and meaningful historical artefact."

"No problem. It's our job to help people in need," Tav lilted, hoping to remind the Grand Duke to finally pay them with actual money. "And it's wonderful to see Wyll and Karlach again. We hadn't found the time to meet up since they'd left Waterdeep two months ago. I'm dying to find out what they'd been up to."

"About that... There's something Karlach and I want to tell you," replied Wyll, clearing his throat. "Well... we've decided to extend the hunting lodge in the nearby forest that belongs to the Ravengard family. There, we want to raise our future children. Of course, guests are always welcome. And I'll take on the offered position as General of the City Guard."

Tav raised an eyebrow and asked: "You'll be a part of the Flaming Fists? The guys who made our lives harder when we fought the Absolute?"

"No, no," Wyll explained hastily. "The City Guard is a new faction. It was founded after we destroyed Gortash's Steel Watch. They're a separate group and have nothing to do with the Flaming Fists."

"Unfortunately, the latter aren't what they once were," sighed Ulder. "Back when I was a marshal, the Flaming Fists were in their prime."

Tav bit her tongue to keep herself from giving a cheeky reply. One look at Astarion revealed that he was doing the same.

"Finally!" the vampire spawn exclaimed, slamming the door of their rented room shut. "I thought Ravengard would never shut up! He didn't even pay us, that cutthroat!"

"Yeah, it's a bit disappointing," Tav agreed.

"An understatement. But... we can finally devour our wonderful wizard."

Astarion locked eyes with Gale, licking his lips hungrily, and the latter shuddered in anticipation. The wizard hadn't dropped his magic disguise yet, still presenting himself as a busty woman. Astarion stalked closer to him, truly looking like the predator he was.

"I want to devour you, darling," he purred, stroking Gale's cheek. "Take your dress off."

The addressed blushed, but snapped his fingers and was stark naked in an instant.

"You're beautiful this way, but I would miss that lovely cock of yours if you'd stay like this forever," the vampire spawn revealed.

The wizard cleared his throat, flustered.

"Well... I can change my uhm… 'appearance'. Down there."

"Hmm, Gods, yes." Astarion bit his lip and felt arousal shoot through him like lightning.

With a heated face, Gale mumbled a spell and his genitalia changed back to its original form. Both the vampire spawn and the human bard stared at him hungrily.

"Gods, darling, let me. Please," Astarion begged, almost whined, and before he got an answer, he was on his knees and swallowed Gale's member down. The latter gasped, one hand immediately flying to his lover's head and stroking his pointed ear. Astarion moaned around him and the wizard shuddered.

"You look so beautiful together," Tav remarked.

She moved closer, petting Astarion's hair with one hand while pulling Gale in with the other. They kissed tenderly, a sensual slide of their tongues. The wizard moaned lowly into her mouth.

"Astarion," he warned. The addressed hummed, rolling his balls in one hand. "Stop, please. I - I don't want it to end yet."

The vampire spawn drew back, panting and with his pupils blown wide. Gale gasped for air and desperately tried to gain control. Tav kissed his cheek and asked: "Everything alright?"

The wizard nodded, still slightly out of breath. A bit unsteady on his legs, Astarion got up. Tav reached for him and kissed him hungrily. When she finally let go of him, Gale gave him a peck too. They moved over to the bed, laying the wizard out like a feast. Tav started to kiss his collarbones, then, his breasts. Astarion nibbled on his neck. Gale trembled with pleasure, panting erratically. The few, low noises he made sounded foreign to his own ears. He wasn't used to the female voice that left his mouth.

The wizard still struggled to accept being at the receiving end of pleasure instead of giving it. Tav had realised his reluctance, how it had been hammered into him by Mystra to be the worshiper, and, since then, the bard showed him over and over again what it means to be worshiped for once. Gale was still slightly uncomfortable with it, but got better at enjoying it each time, no longer feeling so terribly guilty for taking instead of giving.

Now, it wasn't any different, and Gale let the pleasure wash over him guilt-free, panting and trembling under the gentle affection provided by Astarion and Tav.

"Beautiful," the vampire spawn whispered, petting the wizard's long, sweaty mane.

"Can I ride you?" the bard asked, looking desperate.

"Please do," whispered Gale and almost choked on a moan when his lover sunk down on him.

Tav was always so soft, wet, and hot around him. She felt amazing and wasn't afraid or ashamed to voice her desires. He loved it.

Astarion fondled Gale's big breasts, sucking on his nipples, and the wizard's hips bucked up with a gasp.

"That's it, darling. Show us how good you feel," the vampire spawn purred and kissed him sloppily.

Gale's breath hitched when he climaxed, trembling all over. Tav moaned loudly and shamelessly, grinding her hips down. It was too much and the wizard whimpered.

"Apologies, love," the bard panted and got off of him.

As always, she'd interpreted his body language correctly. Gale sighed a breath of relief. Tav crawled closer and started to blow Astarion who moaned against the wizard's lips.

"Slow down, darling."

The vampire spawn's plea fell on deaf ears and he mewled when Tav slipped a finger into his hole. Astarion's head fell back as he panted open-mouthed, exposing the long line of his neck. He lifted his right leg up over Tav's shoulder to give her better access. Gale littered the vampire spawn's neck with kisses, making him pant even harder. Suddenly, Astarion whined, digging his nails into Gale's shoulders.

"Yes! Right there, darling, right there! Aah!"

Tav hummed pleased and kept sucking him off while stroking his prostate. Astarion almost screamed when he came, covering Gale's soft stomach with his seeds. A bit roughly, he grabbed onto Tav and hauled her up to smash their mouths together.

"Gods..." Astarion felt dizzy.

Smiling at him, the bard caressed his cheek.

"Alright?" she asked.

The vampire spawn nodded, sighing contently when Tav kissed his forehead and Gale his temple. The latter finally dropped his polymorph spell, feeling incredibly drained and tired.

"I need sleep," mumbled Gale into Astarion's shoulder.

He curled up against the vampire spawn while Tav scooted closer to Astarion's other side. The latter smiled contently and sated.

"We must do this again," he remarked and his lovers hummed agreeingly.

Snuggled close together, they fell asleep.

[sugar-omi]

If you are interested, can you plz share how you see the Our Life (1+2) characters as DnD classes and races included? 😆⚔️🍃🏹

Im craving Our Life with some medieval whimsical vibes, Baxter dancing with swords, Derek singing with bar goers while MC goes pickpocketing the villains, Cove as a MERMAN living his life like Ariel. So many wonderful thoughts wanted to share ✨️✨️✨️

okay this took so long bc i know nothing abt DnD so i did a bit of research!!! my friends have talked abt DnD and i never understood but knew it was smth cool n involved alot of creativity, but now i just think this is sm cooler <33 anyway im not creative at all rn so im referencing everything from this website im using👍

tags : Fluff, 'Dungeon and Dragons' headcanons + drabbles, cove is the only one w hc's for if you're dating (+ qiu kinda?) i couldn't think of dating hc's for everyone else in this world as well but you could imagine some of the hc's that way

synopsis : DnD races and classes of ol:nf & ol:ba characters.

qiu:

okay I couldn't decide but qiu is half-elven.

(his dad is so whipped for his elf wife<3<3<3)

i can't really think about what class he'd be in, but i think i could see him as a bard

he's the laziest bard though 💀 and thus is mostly a wanderer.

qiu will wait until they're on their last coin and then will go perform

would perform a very good show while MC pickpockets the assholes that were disturbing the bar just a moment ago

otherwise, he just performs for you and his friends.

they'll have/be at a party with all their friends, and will perform some type of magic trick to entertain everyone

qiu will sing you little songs, read you poetry he wrote while watching you sleep that morning<3

for any important dates like birthdays, or anniversary (if you're dating), etc., they'll do a cool magic trick and perform a elven dance that he learned from his mom

tama:

human! BUT. she's a druid

she loves the forest, the forest loves her

maybe a bit of sorcery as well? idk how this works lol

she has a little house in the woods omg

goes foraging and learns lots of sorcery stuff from ren

will show you how to cast cool spells

also you're the first person she comes to show you any new spells she learns!!

you two beat up any bandits/criminals you come across

renee (/darren):

human and like i mentioned in tama's, is a sorcerer

!!! wants to be like her mom in canon right?

i think she's a teacher n teaches young sorcerers/wizards

baxter:

isnt baxter special. just crossovering worlds 💀💀

anyway.. he's an elf! is also rogue...

bringing baxter's issues/trauma into this DnD au as well <3

you find it very weird that a elf is on his own, but ignore it ofc and befriend baxter anyway

after much warming of baxter's cold heart, i imagine he settles in some civilian town or nearby and opens a bar!!

and every night its full with laughter and good music, and occasionally he'll come out from behind the bar

(honestly, he's mostly just cleaning the glasses and looking pretty <3)

and he'll pull you or one of your friends into a dance

omg imagine its not just a bar, its also a bed & breakfast

of course he's decent enough at cooking, so every morning he lays out a nice breakfast for his customers

derek:

knew this was derek insantly!!! he's half-orc

orcs dont have horns, do they.... well they do now

(realizing he's more Oni than anything in my head...)

anyway i need you to imagine arataki itto and if u don't know who that is Please find the beefiest fanart of him n thats derek LOL

derek grinning with his fangs and he's like 7 feet tall and buff, covered in scars.... yessir <33

i imagine he's a wanderer, but before that he was a cleric.

derek always helps people, he's very reliable but i imagine he's tired and somehow ends up working for baxter!

he's chef during the day and security at night!!!

no fighting in baxter's bar/diner unless you want a ass-ful of derek's boot <3

i also imagine when he's not running the place with baxter, he's helping the towns folk

the kids love him

they make flower crowns and run to the bar/diner to give them to derek <3333

ofc there's that one shy kid who offers one to baxter! bc they think he's really cool!!!

cove:

like you said he's a merman!!!

mmm, but i also imagine he can shapeshift into a "human"

(this is some ariel shit isnt it LMAO)

(also im imagining mer!cliff x human!kyra. mmm, i wonder if she'd be a bard? or maybe a healer, cleric maybe? why do i wanna write a whole fic on this now....)

although i imagine he needs to stay hydrated to stay on land like that. so please remind him to drink water when you're out n about otherwise he'll turn back into a fish in the middle of the market LOL

(you've learned this the hard way

!!! imagine if there's some way for you to come into the sea as well, be it a air bubble or potion of some sort and you have lil underwater adventures/dates n cove shows you all kinds of cool things <3333

he brings you lots of pretty things

if you like jewelry, he has his dad help him string up some pearls into a necklace or bracelet. or even better an anklet

+ if you're dating/crushing on each other

he'll do his little mermaid mating and courting rituals

like bringing you food

(will show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night w a big fish he caught or some breakfast derek smuggled him (cove doesn't keep many coins since mer-currency is more like sand-dollars or smth like coins made out of ore only found in the sea. the ore is good for nothing else than to be coins LOL))

OH MY GOD HE CAN CHIRP N SHIT

will chirp n shrill and do other cute mer sounds that you don't really know what they mean sometimes

COVE: *watching you dreamily* MC: *flustered from the staring* what?... COVE: *flirtatious chirp*

[ithinkdogshouldvote2]

I straight up DO NOT believe that Terry Jr. is in hell. They're going to get there and he won't fucking be there. He won't be there because willy lost all his leverage, hes gonna bring back Terry Jr. and hold him as a bargaining chip because he KNOWS scary cares about him.

Scary cares about Terry jr so much that she asked willy to bring him back, and when she knew he wouldn't, that broke their partnership. Scary loves Terry jr more than she fears willy and willy KNOWS that.

Why wouldn't he hold Terry Jr hostage? He's done it before. If some guy who's not even scarys real dad means so much to her that she'd forget all the fucking favors hes done to help her ungrateful ass get stronger then he KNOWS she'll make the trade of the doodler for Terry jr.

It works mechanically too. He's definitely strong enough to know wish if he's a sorcerer or wizard, but if he's a warlock, he has to look to his old buddies. Luckily, Bill is a bard who would have access to the spells ressurection and raise dead. While barry is a druid who would likely (depending if hes level 17 or not) have access to the spell true ressurection. All he'd have to do is convince one of them to cast it. They're scared of him. They likely would if he threatened them.

DO YOU HEAR ME?! WILLY STAMPLER IS GOING TO FUCKIGN REVIVE TERRY JR TO USE AS LEVERAGE FOR GETTING THE DOODLER SEND POST!!!!!

[songbird-oracle]

Live thoughts watching Fantasy High Junior Year episode 5

Spoilers ahead

Im so nervous already about Cassandra

These dudes getting swole

It IS spicy tonight in the dome

Screaming

I WANT A BOGGY KISS

OH FUCK SHES HOLD MONSTERING KRISTEN

THE SECURITY COMING THROUGH OH SHIT

“Do you want me to kill that guy for you 👀” vibes

OH NO PLEASE NO NIGHTMARE KING OH NO OH NO

I’m Shittering my pants rn

No not the girlies!

Located in the astral mall, This place has *everything*. Ripped valley girls, a goddess and prophet and familiar going through a very tumultuous time in their relationship, a frog wearing a paper hat, and a weird ass clock

I live for the hangman banter

Oml I love the Yarrbucks coffee art

LOU HOLY SHIT

BOX OF DOOM DC5!? The stakes are seriously so high though

Okaaaaaaaay 13 works ig

“Does she need scratchies?”

Wooo Murph!!

THE STAR TALKS!?

I love Emily’s reaction to “banging out a 1st level spell”

Riz sadly flossing

Oh no Kristen oh no Cassandra!

No stop attacking Cassandra!!!!

🎶non-a-crits🎶

Thank goodness no failures

Break it up guys come ooooooooon

Damn, man needs strudel with sauce at a time like this

Profiling the minis 🤣

NOT THE TAP DANCING

“I don’t think you’re scared, I think you’re mad. And that’s okay” I’m sobbing

YES THE FUCKING SECURITY DETAIL

Kristen is so low, oh no

A 0 initiative 🥲

FUCK THIS IS WHAT RAGHS MOM ABSORBED!?!? Gorgug is the greatest wizard of our time

Abjurative grammar is prescriptive. Iykyk.

I knew the DC would be high

NAT 20 BEARDSLEY IN THE FUCKING HOUUUUUUUSE

YESSSSS HEALED CASSANDRA 😭

Oh fuck oh fuck bad stars

Let it out Cassandra, feel your feelings

Oh my goodness, philosophers scone

OOP PAUL BLART INTERGALACTIC MALL COP

It’s not the nightmare king??????

41 damage each, damn Adaine

We aren’t even half way through guys

BAHAHAHAHAHHA playful picking on Riz

Mass dispelling?? Damn

????? TUMMY ACHE SURVIVOR????

THE SHRIMP!!!!!!

Why is Fig a walking embodiment of Murphy’s law rn???

WHAT THE FUCK

NO NO NO DID GILEAR STEAL HER LUCK??????

IS THIS QUADRANGLE FUCKERY??????

Okay it’s just a curse

WAIT WHAT???

Cloaca why 😂

Whoopsies, shattered the shatter star

Oh fuck, rage Adaine is scary dude

Is this some rage and revenge deity??

Anyone but Conor

BAHAHAHAHAHA “no no, this is gonna happen”

“Stay hot Conor”

NOT KALINA NO

RAGH??????

Not the shimmy

WHAT IS KALINAS AC

44 DAMAGE??

Old Fabian

Legend has it the wizard is still waiting for his strudel with sauce

WHAT THE FUCK NO NOT CASSANDRA NO NO NO

“Unfortunately stop flossing”

COMPELLED DUEL ON KALINA OH FUCK

3!!!!! Woooooo!!!!!

Worst mall cop ever, Paul Blart would never

🤣 “is that not property damage??”

I’m so scared for Cassandra guys

Kristen and Cassandra are down oh no 🥲

BARDIC SHRIMPSPIRATION

NO NAT ONE NO NOOOOOOOO

Somewhere Katja Cleaver is raging because Conor Counterspell said he hates horses

A ball. Not *the* ball

ARMOR ZOMBIE AND LICH IM LIVING FIR THESE NAMES

Bards and Noble 🤣

Kristen coming in with the hugs

Box of doom has been working hard this episode

Shake out the bad ones

Screaming crying throwing up

I can’t look

Dammit Murph

Ecaf again

“What are you talking about girlieeeee?”

Brendan’s stare scares me

FUCK

Strudel for the win Girlie!!!

“One more roll girlie 🤪”

Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no circle of death oh no

COUNTERSPELL MY BELOVED

“How old are you” “45” “gross”

WAIT WHAT TIME REVERSE TO- TEN SECONDS

Conor, you’re the best secret service agent ever

WHAT????? WHERES CASSANDRA??????

WHAT????????

I’m so fucking scared right now

Wait is Cassandra a triple goddess? Like how Hekate is a triple goddess, is Cassandra one? Cause Cassandra, Nightmare king, and a divine thing that isn’t a different divinity?

I want to enjoy “we got that bad boy buttered” but I can’t 🥲

Dead stare 🥲

I love Hangman 🥹

Feral Murph

NAT 20 SHRIMP JUMP

Thousand yard stare

Best shrimp jump ever

Maximum legend

That’s right, kick flip the system

Fuck KandyKorn Lullaby

See you at Basrars, I’ll be sobbing into my ice cream

[mancer-in-the-abbey]

Been putting a bunch of smaller headcanons in a larger post that maybe one day will see the light of day. In the meantime uhh Ghouls as D&D classes GO

Dewdrop: That’s a rogue right there. Although there is a real argument to be made for fighter, I’m going with rogue. He’s got that kind of sass, you know? He’s also INCREDIBLY good at the things he’s proficient in (expertise anyone?) and has a massive chip on his shoulder. I’ve yet to meet a rogue that doesn’t have a chip on their shoulder.

Rain: Hard choice, but ima go with warlock. You think I’m joking, “ooh band about Satan has a warlock, who would have guessed,” but I think it would fit HELLA well with his whole deal. Despite stumbling in the beginning, dude has very good stage presence, although in a bit understated in comparison to the other highly charismatic ghouls, just like how Charisma being a Warlock’s main ability takes on a different form in comparison to other charisma casters. Also… Pact of the Fathomless? Tentacles? Writes itself, really.

Phantom/Aeon: It took some figuring out but I think Sorcerer fits best. Think about it, despite being shaky in his stage dynamic with the rest of the ghouls when he first started, he had such big stage presence right out of the gate with all his cool guitar tricks! That to me reads as someone who has such innate charisma that he’s able to keep up even when out of his depth. That to me reads like someone whose magic has always been a part of them and whose abilities stem from their willingness to fake it till you make it. He for SURE is a Sorcerer.

Aether: Oh come on. Anyone who knows about d&d knows Aether would be a cleric. That’s not even fair at that point. Twilight Cleric too, purely for the vibes of it. The whole point of rhythm guitar is to be the backbone on which the lead guitar’s melody can shine and the bass’s riff can keep pace! Support is what the cleric is all about! Also healing. Just. Cleric. Next question.

Cirrus: Fighter! Fighter! Fighter! Fuck yeah she’s a fighter, and she is having SO much fun! She is a woman that can kick your ass, make it look easy, and make you thank her for it. Her and Lus’s keys are such a key part of what keeps things running smoothly and you ALWAYS need at least one martial class person in your party if you want to make it. You just know she’s the one people go to to open the stuck lids when Aether isn’t around. You love to see it.

Cumulus: Tough call, but something in me says Paladin? She is SUCH a strong presence in the backing vocals, something non-charisma feels like a disservice. Not a bard though, she doesn’t actually show off that much on stage. And yeah, outside of the actual stage performances, she strikes me as the kind of person to have a strong moral code that she adheres to. She could definitely get herself a Paladin Oath through sheer force of will if she wanted.

Aurora: Okay this one was INCREDIBLY hard cause I don’t actually know that much about her. With that in mind, based purely on vibes? I honestly am feeling Wizard. She seems to exude a lot of excitement and eagerness which, to me, translates really well into curiosity. She is so incredibly interested in everything the surface world has to offer and that includes how magic functions differently from how it does in the Pit. It might take her some tries, but once she gets the basics she would be a MENACE of a spell caster. Maybe Bladesinger so she can learn cool spells and swing a sword at people simultaneously?

Sunshine: This might be a bit of a weird call but to me, Sunshine is a monk. Like, in shows she’ll sometimes be super high energy and sometimes go full unflappable, intimidating ghoul. It’s like step of the wind vs patient defense to me. Also, I think just very generally she has some great speed if you let her. That woman has a “can’t stop won’t stop” attitude, and isn’t that just the monk in a nutshell?

Swiss: Bard. I don’t even think I need to explain it but I’m gonna anyways. I mean, the multiple instrument proficiencies, being one of the main back-up singers, fuck man, that dude RULES his tiny stage of shame with an iron fist and every time he’s let off of it all hell breaks loose. Also, the Jack of All Trades feature is very in-line with how we as a fandom interpret his abilities as a multi-ghoul. He is literally good at everything! Bards are just like that! HE is just like that!

Mountain: Could you imagine if I just picked something like Barbarian? Could you imagine if I said Mountain “Forest Cryptid” Ghoul was a Ranger? Druid. Full stop.

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: D&D Part 6

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)    

Alien Wizard: I’m all out of spells, someone defend me! Human Barbarian: You still have your staff, right? Alien Wizard: I do but it’s useless! Human Barbarian: *Walks over, grabs staff, uses it to bludgeon an approaching goblin to death* Human Barbarian: *Hands staff back* Plus 8 intelligence my ass. ---------------- Alien DM: You can’t all be bards. Human Bard 1: Why not? Alien DM: You all are basically the same character with same skills. Human Bard 2: Not true, we each practice a different form of music. Human Bard 1: I do smooth jazz. Human Bard 2: I do rock and roll. Human Bard 3: I do classical. Human Bard 4: And I do death metal. ----------------

Alien Priest: I am curious which demon you sold your soul to for power. Human Warlock: I currently have it leased to several demons for multiple powers. Alien Priest: How is that possible? Alien Priest: What demon would agree to such an offer? Human Warlock: I time shared the hell out of it to each of them. Human Warlock: *Pulls out notepad, flips through it* This month my soul is currently in the possession of Yar’fenar, lord of the seventh ring in the dark lands. ------------------- Human Druid: *Brutally disembowels a troll by bringing a tree to life and then having it stab it repeatedly with its branches* Alien Warrior: While I am happy to see you are capable of defending yourself, I am a bit confused. Alien Paladin: Agreed. I thought Druid’s were meant to be at peace when communing with nature. Human Druid: This is pretty normal when you speak to trees all day. Alien Warrior: What do you mean? Human Druid: *leans in close and whispers* You have no idea how blood thirsty they are. Human Druid: They make blood hunters look like try hards at the gym. ---------------------- *party fighting a vampire lord on a boat* Alien Barbarian: They’re too powerful and we don’t have any holy weapons!” Human Priest: Throw them into the water! Alien Barbarian: *Shoulder rushes vampire lord and knocks them off into the water* Alien Paladin: Now what? Human Priest: *Holds up icon of faith and speaks holy words* Alien Barbarian: What did you do? Human Priest: I just blessed the entire ocean. Alien Paladin: You can do that? Human Priest: *shrugs* Let’s check. *Party looks over railing of ship to see vampire lord burning to ash in water* Alien Barbarian: Well damn, I guess he can. --------------------------- Alien Priest: I don’t think a bard can dual class as a warlock. Human Bard: Not true. Human bard: When I do my spells I sing with a mix of death metal and Latin. Alien Priest: How does that make you a warlock? Human Bard: It has the odd side effect of summoning demons who do my bidding in exchange for favors. -------------------------- *Shop door rings and customer enters* Human Artificer: What can I do for you? Alien Warrior: I wish to return my blade and get a refund. Human Artificer: Well that’s strange, may I see the blade? *Hands over the blade* Human Artificer: *Examining the blade* I can’t see any fault with the weapon; why do you wish to return it? Alien Warrior: You would not believe me if I told you. Human Artificer: Try me. Alien Warrior: Last week it started talking to me. Alien Warrior: It started off fine and cute, but after a while it started asking for the blood of my enemies. Alien Warrior: *Leans in* I think it is possessed. Human Artificer: *Hands back weapon* I’m sorry but that is a built in feature so I can’t refund you. Alien Warrior: Built in? Human Artificer: See, I always figured warriors get lonely on the road and could use someone to talk to so I carved special runes into each blade that activate when they have spilt blood. Human Artificer: The blade then becomes sentient and will talk to keep the warrior company on the road. Alien Warrior” Have you not considered how dangerous that would be? Human Artificer: Dangerous how? Alien Warrior: *Opens window to reveal angry mob outside all holding swords* Angry Mob: BLOOD FOR THE SWORD GOD! LET THEIR WILL BE HEARD! Human Artificer: Welp, mistakes were made. ------------------------------ Alien DM: You have defeated the band of rogues only to find many of them are in fact children. Alien DM: The harsh laws of the kingdom drove them into the arms of a lawless lifestyle. Alien DM: Their fate is for you to decide. *Party nervously looks at Lawful Paladin* Alien Wizard: Now let’s not be too hasty here. Alien Rogue: They are just kids after all. Human Paladin: In the eyes of the law all are equal. Human Paladin: *Slowly draws swords* and as its instrument I must see its will done unto all the wicked souls of this world.

[slynoitrash]

A quick Renfaire!AU for Sly/Noiz just because

Sly couldn't believe the brat.

Here they were, on a perfect Saturday afternoon, sun shining and instead of being able to sleep in, Noiz had practically dragged the blue-haired man out of bed at the ass Crack of dawn so they could go to...

"A Renfaire? Really?" Sly rolled his eyes with his usual over dramatization. He clicked his tongue when Noiz didn't even react.

How he'd gotten Sly to even agree to this, he had no idea. He understood even less how the guy had managed to get him to dress up as a pirate with him, either.

Probably something to do with the cute dusting of pink on the blonde's face when he saw him in the outfit, or the way his eyes lit up with excitement talking about this stupid Faire.

It was cute. Sly wasn't going to deny it. Well - not to himself, at least. He would, of course, still pretend to be exasperated.

"This your first time?"

"First and last."

A hint of a smile touched Noiz's lips - which was the Noiz version of a wide, beaming grin.

"You won't be saying that by the end, I promise. Here, follow me." The brat grabbed Sly by his hand and led him skillfully through the throngs of people along the dirt trodden path; by large, old-fashioned tudor style wooden shops and even a fucking castle. Sly couldn't stop the way his heart fluttered when Noiz had grabbed his hand, electricity shooting up his arm the moment their fingers had met.

Yeah, maybe the real reason Sly had agreed to come to this stupid thing in the first place was because he'd had a longtimecrush on his stupid pretty best friend and yeah, maybe he liked the way Noiz looked all dressed up in leather with a puffy white shirt.

Like he was in some stupid romance novel.

But he wasn't going to tell him that. Instead, Sly swallowed his feelings down as Noiz brought him over to what appeared to be a restaurant of sorts, overgrown with Ivy and a medieval bard strumming a citar in the corner. Everyone was dressed up; fairies, princes, trolls, hell there was even a dragon and a wizard going shot for shot by the bar.

Honestly, this seemed kind of...fun.

"I'll grab us some drinks, yeah?" Noiz smiled at him, that toothy grin that made Sly lose his breath, and let go of his hand to go get in line.

Sly tried to slow the pounding of his heart. The brat really had no clue, did he? Then again, Sly was pretty good at hiding how he felt under a mask of bitchiness and rage.