#aspec vent

[aspec-vents]

i wish more aspecs knew about aplatonics and actually respected them. i hate having to explain my aplatonicism to a community that should be understanding of the exhaustion that comes with explaining your identity. i hate experiencing repulsion within a community that should be understanding of it. i hate being overlooked by a community that understands how that hurts. i hate being demonized by a community for not feeling an attraction when that’s what our whole community is about. it’s frustrating and exhausting

Let's be kinder to our friendly neighbourhood aplatonics

[nonconformityhub]

Calling all aroaces and aspecs! Please spread this around!

If you related to this infographic and want a space to vent and/or hear more about other people's aspec experiences - I've made a blog for it! @aspec-vents

I want to create a space where aspecs feel comfortable talking about both the positives and the negatives of their experiences as aspecs

If you want to hear me yap for 5 minutes about aroace problems and the new blog I also have that under the keep reading thingy (I'm talking about aroaces here! But the space is also open to the whole spectrum including aplspec etc):

[twomanyfandomshelp]

Exactly.

The word queer literally means “strange or different”. Queer people are queer because they are different from traditional ideas of sexuality or gender in some way, shape, or form.

Gays and lesbians are different because they’re attracted to members of the same sex as them.

Bisexuals and pansexuals are different because they’re attracted to multiple genders.

Transgender and nonbinary folks are different because they identify with a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth.

IT’S THE SAME FOR ASPECS!!!

Asexuals are different because they experience sexual attraction differently than most people or not at all.

Aromantics are different because they experience romantic attraction in a way that is not considered “normal”.

Agender folks are different because they perceive gender in a nontraditional sense or feel they don’t have a gender.

Aplatonics are different because they don’t have traditional platonic feelings and relationships.

The only “requirement” to be considered queer is to differ from the traditional ideas of sexuality, love, and gender.

So why are aspec people not considered “valid” members of the LGBTQIA+ community to the point where so many people think the A stands for ALLY?! THE A STANDS FOR ASPEC WHICH INCLUDES ASEXUAL, AROMANTIC, AGENDER, AND APLATONIC!!!

Don’t you ever let anyone try to tell you that you’re not valid. If you’ve known your sexuality/gender for years now and you’re comfortable with it and who you are, you’re valid. If you’ve only just recently figured out your sexuality/gender and you feel so much lighter and freer and comfortable, you’re valid. If you recently figured out your sexuality/gender and it has you reeling and confused and scared, you’re valid. If you choose not to use a label and that’s what makes you happy and comfortable, you’re valid. If you have no idea what your sexuality/gender is, and that’s terrifying, you’re valid. If you have no idea what your sexuality/gender is and you don’t really care because you love yourself anyway, you’re valid. If you’re out to everyone and very open about your sexuality, you’re valid. If you’re not out to a single soul and hide your queer identity, you’re valid. Whatever your situation may be, you’re valid.

Happy pride month everyone, I love you 🫶🏼

Saw a post that made me furious yesterday so if people STILL don't understand this:

Aspec people are queer.

And no, it's not our love that makes us queer, it's our LACK of certain types of love that make us queer.

There is of course aspec people who are queer both because of their love and their lack of love, but being aspec is queer because of the lack of love.

Saying "but aspecs love too! Their love is also important! Aro and ace people have love and their love is also important!" is not the support you think it is for a lot of aspec people.

My love for my mother isn't what makes me queer. My love for my friends isn't what makes me queer. It's my lack or romantic love that makes me queer. Yea love is important to me, especially platonic love, but that is not what makes me queer.

And let's not forget about loveless aros.

For the love of god stop going "but aros love too!" just so you can relate to us somehow or just so you can include us. We don't need love to be included.

And because some people are going to take this as a personal attack: no, there is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing wrong with love is love. Love is important to a lot of people and I am not saying love is bad.

Happy pride everyone

[miitopia-cake]

me looking for ace/aro characters: lets go gambling!

[character's sex repulsion is used for jokes] aw dang it

[character is put in sexual situations despite disliking it] aw dang it

[character's identity is ignored by fandom] aw dang it

[characters creators sexualize them] aw dang it

[aro character gets 'fixed' by true love] aw dang it

[aro/ace character is literally an animal] aw dang it

[creator messes up definition of asexuality] aw dang it

[characters asexuality is never brought up in media] aw dang it

[leikeliscomet]

I genuinely think the reason people leave out Black asexuals and aromantics is because we contradict too much. To fully acknowledge Black asexuality and aromanticism means questioning the idea sexual & romantic absence = whiteness. Why do you think asexual and aromantic = sexless and why sexless = white. It means unpacking what is so non-asexual about Blackness. What is so non-aromantic about Blackness. It means unpacking why Black lovelessness is uniquely heartless. It means unpacking why you're comfortable with the exclusion of Black love, but are scared by Black lovelessness. It means unpacking why you think Black asexuality can't exist outside of Black desexualisation. It means unpacking why you think Black aromanticism can't exist outside sexualisation. And vice versa. It means unpacking why don't think Black people have the actual autonomy to be ace and/or aro. It means unpacking why people more marginalised than you can make space for asexuality and aromanticism when you can't, despite it being an 'oppressor' identity. It means unpacking why the only mainstream representations of Black asexuality and aromanticism that could exist are the Mammy and the Jezebel and Mandingo. It means unpacking that sexless and loveless Black people don't benefit from these tropes. It means unpacking why sexlessness and lovelessness is seen as purity and why Black ace and/or aro people don't to be 'pure'. It means not only asking why asexuality and aromanticism is associated with being white, but actively asking why asexuality and aromanticism 'can't' be associated with being Black. It means unpacking why you can't name any Black ace and/or aro characters or public figures. It means addressing what happens when asexuality and aromanticism stop existing in vacuums and start overlapping with the identities you actually 'get'. These are the scary questions you get to ignore when you can just claim being ace and/or aro is 'white and cishet' identity instead.

[aptericia]

Not proud to be here.

--

Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

--

On a personal note, I remember being so excited when I started identifying as aromantic (and later asexual). Fitting myself into labels has been a lifelong struggle for me; to this day I still can't confidently say if I'm White or PoC, neurotypical or neurodivergent, abled or disabled, cisgender or not cisgender. I continue to struggle making friends because I don't fall into social cliques. To discover that I officially, certainly, was LGBTQ+ lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And now I'm just so sad to find that despite that, I'm still stuck in the middle. I didn't get rewarded with a community. I still feel alienated from both queer and non-queer people. I know it was silly to get my hopes up when there's such vast diversity in both groups, but it really was a disappointment. Going to my first Pride parade last year was really the moment where I realized this.

[mossy-aro]

ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.

when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!

that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.

but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!

joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.

and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.

tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.

[schattenhonig]

The A in LGBTQIA+ doesn't stand for aspec because they're not repressed!

(please read the disclaimer at the end of this post)

Ummm, excuse me? Would you mind telling me what your definition of repression is, then?

Because I feel repressed when a doctor asks me about my sex life, and if I say I have none, it gets marked down as a symptom without being asked if I suffer from it.

I feel repressed when my gyn tells me I can't get a hysterectomy yet despite losing so much blood on every period that I need to take iron supplements all the time, because I could change my mind about not wanting children (which is a whole other post, I know, but it's most likely linked to sex).

I feel repressed if I can't use dating apps or platforms because my sexuality doesn't even exist there, and the one time I tried, I got called names because I didn't want to meet for because it was clear where this date would go, despite my explicit "what I'm looking for".

I feel repressed when I think about how recently a paragraph was finally abolished in my country that considered sex a vital part of a marriage, basically entitling the spouses to having sex with their partner (both gender neutral, because entitling people to having sex with somebody else by law is wrong. It's basically a rape permission).

I feel repressed when I can't watch any film or show without it being about love and/or sex, no matter if it fits the narrative and furthers the plot.

I feel repressed when I plot my own stories and automatically put a romantic couple in there as main characters, even though I have no idea why this would be important for the plot. Not even my own stories, my own thoughts are mine.

I felt repressed when I was asked accusingly in a relationship if I wasn't missing something before I even knew asexuality as a spectrum was a thing, and having to lie about this being a side effect of my medication instead of genuinely not feeling attracted to someone in this way.

I feel repressed when I can't tell people I'm not sexually attracted to them because they will take this personally no matter how well I explain myself.

I feel repressed when everywhere I look there's advertising relying on naked skin, suggestive posing and objectification. Why are expensive cars still presented by women considered beautiful and tempting? It's not like that's necessary to convince people of spending so much money on a thing that gets you from A to B. Couches with women in smart dresses and high heels. That's not what a normal person looks like on a couch. But the worst is a truck in the town where I live: it's from a small fruit and vegetable stand, so whenever I see it, it comes from the warehouse, delivering groceries. On it is a woman clad in very little, presenting fruit. I'm sorry, but why? Does a misogynistic picture convince you of the necessity to avoid scurvy?

I feel repressed when I tell people and get the answer "you just haven't found the right person yet", because there are two possible assumptions from that point: I'm either not trying hard enough (so it's basically my own fault) or something about me is not right, appalling even (which circles back to I'm not trying hard enough or frames me as a victim of my genetics, upbringing or circumstances to be pitied).

Do not tell me how I feel. Do not try to tell me everything is fine and I shouldn't complain or ask for acknowledgement if everywhere I look, I'm reminded of how odd, how weird and how not normal I am. How much it inconveniences you to even acknowledge my existence, let alone respect any of my traits, views and choices.

And while I can only write from my own asexual point of view, I wrote this with all kinds of flavours of aspec in mind, so I'm explicitly including aromantics, aroace people and every shade of the spectrum in this. Not all my examples may apply to you, but I hope you can find something to relate to.

ETA: please feel free to add your own experiences of repression!

[bloomshroomz]

So, we're ten days into pride month. Things are a bit confusing for me right now. I’m trying to figure out what I want, or what I need.

I know that I’m aromantic, but…

I want companionship. I want commitment.

I want to kiss someone. I want to make out with someone.

I want to cuddle and watch a movie with someone.

I want to spoil someone. I want to be spoiled.

I want to love someone. I want to be loved.

I want emotional intimacy. I want physical intimacy.

I want these things with multiple people.

I don’t see any of that as inherently romantic… Maybe it would be easier if I did? Something about that feels wrong, somehow. Why do I have to slap a romantic label on it by default, when I know that none of these things need to be confined to romance?

People aren’t usually committed to you unless you’re their partner. I’d like to have a few partners. Do I want that to be romantic, though? I mean, I know that I don’t want it to be romantic, because I don't want anything to be romantic. But, am I opposed to it?

I don’t know. I can’t tell.

Most people would call these feelings romantic. Why does it feel so much more complicated to me? Why do I have this weird disconnect?

Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I just tossed out the aromantic part of who I am. Just being bisexual would make things so simple. But I don't think I can just flip a switch like that. Can I?

Do other people feel this way?

Is it just me?

Edit - 6/20/2024

A lot of people have been giving me the same advice over and over, and while I appreciate the sentiment, I've probably heard it before. Like, a lot of "you should look into QPRs/cupioromanticism/bellusromanticism/etc." when I've already known about those things for years.

Please read this post before giving advice or input, especially if it involves labels or attraction/relationship types. I know a lot about labels and attraction/relationship types; my struggle isn't coming from a lack of vocabulary. Thank you.

[weepingfireflies]

Something that really frustrates me is that even WRITING aro/ace rep is hard to get across without using exact terminology because "I'm not interested in romantic/sexual relationships" is so often used as a precursor to said character finding "the one." Which could definitely fall into the aro/ace spectrum, but it's so often interpreted in the most amatonormative way ever that I don’t know if I can even make readers understand that yes, this character is, in fact, aro/ace.

[klavierpanda]

Aro is not under the the ace umbrella or the ace-spectrum. The word you are looking for is aspec. I swear to fucking god

[aspec-vents]

Alright, let's kick this off then!

Funny thing, I actually thought everyone else were the weird ones for wanting to be in a relationship. We were...12? 13? I didn't get it. Thought it was gross

In my mind, I was just like, we are babies! Little babies! Why do you want to kiss?? But, I also had the mentality that everyone is weird in their own ways, and if everyone is weird, then everyone is normal

So, kissing: gross, disgusting, weird, normal

And myself: the odd one out, normal

ah yes the moment in which aromantics realise romantic physical effection is real (they're still partially convinced it's a global plot put together to confuse them)

[fun-k-boards]

I'm terrified of coming out as aroace because my mum always goes on and on about wanting grandkids, or attending her children's wedding one day and??? And I just don't know how to tell her that? She's never getting either from me??

It was hard enough coming out as trans because she's under the impression I might not have bio kids because of it, I won't but it's not because I'm trans, and it's just. Ughhhhhhh.

[biscylbenzene]

tw for aphobia and uhh less than consensual sexual experiences :/

shitty little comic i made mostly for the sake of ace awareness and reminding people not to let their partners manipulate them and that it gets better and blah blah blah. but also cause i've waited 5 months to make this god awful chappell roan joke and if i have to trauma dump to make it then so be it

[the-bar-sinister]

The queer platonic question brought up something that I've been struggling to talk about, which is like, that there's a word to describe something about myself that I've always kind of known, but played off as a joke, or an thought I must be unconsciously exaggerating, or that there was some connection I was just missing.

Aplatonic.

Even before I found out there was a word for it– that it was something other people experienced– I was getting the strong sense that there was something "wrong" with the way that I interacted with people that I got close to.

A few years ago I made the deliberate choice to stop letting myself get very close and intimate with people I met online, because inevitably, again and again, I would get a crush on them, and fall in love with them. And I would fail to understand what– in hindsight– were completely normal boundaries of intimacy between friendship and romance. 

I don't know how to interact casually with someone I'm close to without flirting with them. I don't know how to care about someone without wanting to kiss them, and brush their hair and take them dancing, and solve their problems, etc etc.

And it was seriously complicating my life– which at this point is comfortably married and settled– so I just sort of stopped.

I've gotten better at managing it for the last while, just by being aware of it.

Learning that 'aplatonic' is a thing you can be has helped me understand and manage myself, just by having a word for it.

For one thing, it's made "platonic shipping" and "friend shipping" and "familial shipping" and platonic F/Os in fandom make a whole lot more sense to me.

It makes my enemies to lovers fixation make a whole lot more sense too.

I genuinely didn't– and still don't, emotionally– understand how you can want two characters to have an intense relationship that *isn't* romantic.

But I understand that there's this whole experience of attraction that I'm missing out on and that that's what other people are experiencing and expressing.

I don't really have an end to this post. It's something that I'm still struggling to communicate, and figure out what it means beyond the obvious way I've been living with it my whole life.

Thanks for having patience with me.

[a-confused-teen-venting]

wait people actually date because they think about being with that person for the rest of their life? like to get married and all?