#anyways simply. I just want to cry again-
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two sides, same coin (n.jm)
pairing: na jeamin x reader genre: eldest/only daughter angst, fluff, strangers to whatever this is summary: y/n's one duty in life is to look out for others. romance who? however, jaemin comes along and maybe he can change her mind. alternatively, prom committee love story
Jaemin is the date-to-marry type. His friends call him grandpa for it but he doesn’t care, not even a little. No, Na Jaemin knew that the love he wanted was the kind that meant family heirlooms, photo albums of embarrassing baby pictures, and sharing warm coffee the morning after crying the whole night. He wanted the handholding and cuddles but only if it would include all the booboos in between that life inflicted.
Don’t ask him why. He just knows.
The thing is, despite everything Jaemin was such a hopeless romantic. Everyone would tell him to “just pick a girl�� and while he’s happy for his couple friends, Jaemin just likes to march to the beat of his own drum.
You, on the other hand, are the only daughter in an Asian household, your father is the dean, and everyone down to the school janitor knows you. That in itself was a sure fire guarantee that you could never entertain boys romantically, let alone find a boyfriend in high school. So you’re resigned not to. Love was way too complicated anyway. Besides, you had student council and prom wasn’t going to plan itself.
But did you feel tired sometimes? No doubt.
While there was a lot of love to go around, there were also a lot of responsibilities and a shit ton of expectations. On some days you just needed a break. Which is why even if you felt shy to admit it, you found Jaemin the most charming member of the prom committee.
Jaemin didn’t exactly plan on signing up. However, he would much rather spend his time volunteering for something that was purposeful than get stuck being buggered on about why he still didn’t have a girlfriend. You, on the other hand, pretty much inherited the role of prom committee head, as did all senior student representatives every year.
You didn’t intend to get close to Jaemin. Yes, you knew each other for your entire lives since elementary but you weren’t exactly from the same circles. But it just kind of happened. Prom was fast approaching, you liked to be precise in your work and Jaemin had a penchant nosing around.
“If you need anything, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask,” he emphasized as he carefully placed a bandage on your finger. It was only a papercut but Jaemin insisted you sit down and take a break from sorting all the documents needed for prom.
You shrugged, “Deadline is tomorrow morning.” You weren’t exaggerating but you didn’t make the rules and if those papers weren’t on the principal’s desk by 7 am, simply put, there would be no prom.
Understanding flickered in his eyes as he smoothed the bandaid over your finger gently. He’d found you all alone way past school hours in a frenzy of folders and decided no one deserved to die by papercuts all alone.
This wasn’t the first time this happened. In the course of the last few weeks, you’d eagerly scheduled meetings and town halls with the graduating class all in an effort to give everyone the prom they deserved. However, this had meant you skipped meals and went home late most of the time.
“This is way too much work for you,” he said as he started rummaging through his school bag. “This is the reason we have a committee.”
The concern was highly appreciated but then again, who else was going to do the work if not you? “Jeamin, as much as I agree with you the reality is every senior is swamped with final requirements and-”
“And you aren’t a senior?” he interrupted with an unimpressed expression.
“I can handle the stress better than most,” you argued.
“Yeah, clearly,” he snorted, which made you frown in his direction.
Wordlessly, he offered you a brown paper bag. A smile creeps up on your face. If he was going to keep this up, someone’s heart was definitely going to be in trouble.
“Let me guess, you accidentally ordered an extra meal, again?”
Jaemin beamed, ”quite the opposite.” He cleared some space on the desk and gestured for you to sit across.
You humor him and peer into the bag, chuckling, “this time it’s a whole lunchbox?”
“I intentionally ordered two because I knew you would never listen to me.”
You open the lunch box and feel pleasantly surprised that the food is quite warm. Your last meal was lunch and that felt like ages ago. “Thanks for looking out for me, you really didn’t have to,” you say.
“What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t look out for you?” He pauses, and for a moment you feel like he’s looking straight into your soul.
Hearing Jaemin call you a friend struck a chord in that if you were being honest, you haven’t really felt like you had any friends since senior year started. You haven’t had company like this in a while. Sure you had your best friends but they were busy trying to survive. You still had the occasional breakdown here and there, but more often than not, you knew how to handle yourself. There wasn’t much of a choice anyway. You didn’t want to blame your friends for needing more support than yourself, so you power through; just doing what needs to be done.
Comfortable silence fills the room as you both eat thoughtfully. You appreciate the stillness and bask in the company of Jaemin. You think, better make the best of it while it lasts, right?
A thought stirs in your mind and you’re compelled to satisfy your curiosity. “Jaemin? Why the prom committee?”
“Why not? He grins. You laugh at his response, mentally slapping yourself because you actually anticipated this sort of crap from Jaemin.
“Okay let me rephrase that,” you continue, “Is there any reason you chose to join prom committee?”
He drops his form into the now empty lunchbox, appearing to give his answer some thought, “Well, when I asked the upperclassmen last year they said tickets would be discounted for committee members.”
You nod thoughtfully, admiring his practical mindset.
“But if you want the real answer, it’s because I felt like being a part of something we could all look back on,” he answered.
You can’t help but smile at him, at his genuineness. Something about how open he was despite having spent only a month in each other’s company has your heart feeling a certain way.
“And you, why student council for four straight years?” he asks with a quizzical expression.
Your fingers trace the wood grains as you rack your brain for an answer. An acceptable answer would be, that you "cared a lot" or that you "want to make a difference". But instead, you gravitate towards something you don’t exactly want to admit, “I just, don’t want to think.”
Jaemin bursts out laughing. “You’re saying that when you’re obviously doing all the heavy brainwork here?”
“But that’s all it is, work,” you quip back. “When it’s work I know what to do. But with everything else?”
The way your expression shifts is unmistakable for Jaemin. Doubt is not something he’s accustomed to when it comes to you. Yet, something about your vulnerability compels him to push farther.
“Do you ever feel like people have a certain idea of what you need to be doing, anything outside of that is sort of like a crime?” He asks.
You nod slowly in agreement, “Like ‘hey, since you’ve proven that you’re great at this, only ever be great at this. Don’t ask for help cause everyone is too busy. But also, you’re such a workaholic’.” Your words spill out faster than you can think.
He hums in agreement allowing you to continue. “Everyone thinks they know what’s best for you but none of them actually offer any useful help,” you croak out.
It’s quiet for a while before Jaemin breaks the silence, “Can I be really honest this time?”
You raise an eyebrow at the interjection, “weren’t you being honest a while ago?”
He ignores your comment and instead laughs it off. “What I wanted to say was, listening to you made something click,” he said leaning forward so his hands rested on the table. “I joined the prom committee to look for friends,” he said, pausing only to get a glimpse of your confused expression.
“I know it sounds crazy but you aren’t the only one who feels alone,” he confesses.
“Everyone has this certain expectation that because I like to help out a lot, because I love love, that I’m not capable of feeling sad, but I am.”
“You love, love?” you ask skeptically.
“Was that the only thing you heard?” he asks, throwing his hands up.
You don’t know why but you find it in your heart to giggle. “I didn’t know you were such a sap.”
“Am not!” He counters. “I just have specific beliefs when it comes to love.”
“And that is?”
“That it’s supposed to be special, nothing rushed, never forced,” he explains. “It’s something that feels more warm and steady than jittery, if you know what I mean?”
If Jaemin didn’t already fascinate you then, well he sure did now. You don’t know how the boy who liked to keep to his own business managed to conjure such deep thoughts. You find yourself nodding along.
“I can respect that, I guess,” you finally say after some time. Sensing the time, you finally stand up to tidy the place and get back to work.
“Thanks for being good company,” Jaemin suddenly says as he assists you in throwing the empty takeout bags in the bin.
“You aren’t so bad yourself,” you reply.
Jaemin thinks a lot while the two of you work. He thinks about the easy grace that you exude vis a vis being comfortable with vulnerability. And he thinks you’d battle him out for this, but he sure as hell didn’t believe that you were as cut-throat about life as your own friends labeled you. If any, he’d sure as hell vouch that you were a softie at heart.
“Don’t skip meals,” he called out as the two of you parted ways later that evening. And you definitely wouldn’t be skipping any meals for the weeks to come. Not on Jaemin’s watch, anyway.
#jaemin#jaemin fluff#nct jaemin#jaemin imagines#nct dream#nct dream imagines#nct jaemin imagines#nct dream jaemin#na jaemin#nct#jaemin x reader#jaemin fic#jaemin nct#na jaemin x reader#nct dream x reader#jaemin angst#jaemin fics
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"I said
Silence.
I warned you, If you won't stop, I would do it myself."
Francis wasn't done with him. Not yet anyway. But he would make him obedient. Wordlessly taking orders like a machine. No more back talk. He would make him perfect. At least… that is....Until Logan shows up.
Chapter 3.
Brand New City
Cw: Dead Dove, Mentions of Rape, Kidnapping, Straight up torture, Various cruel and unusual punishments, Blood, Murder, Feral behavior, Descriptions of pain and wounds, Voices, Hallucinations, Extreme hurt/comfort, Angst, Loss of healing factor, loss of voice- Permanently(!), Character death.
You may experiance lots of crying.
He would hum if he could. Hum along to the electricity he could hear from the light above him. Make a song out of it. Harmonize with the screams.
But he couldn't even do that.
Opening the door was none other then the man who prevented him from ever doing that again. His head lowers on instinct, trying to get a better look through the sweat running down his forehead. He would have loved to explain to the reader how this place stunk. It SHOULD have smelled like rotting flesh, agony, and B.o. But it smelled of nothing.
Nothing at all.
He couldn't even taste the blood in his mouth.
The man in front of him smirked, too smugly for his liking. Clapping his hands together he stood about 2 feet from his chair, rubbing them together as he smiled bigger than the Joker at his batman themed birthday party.
“So. How's your recovery coming? Hopefully the boys weren't too rough with you.” He states, looking down on him like Johnathan Groff as King George did on John Adams. “You know how they can be. You know the saying, Boys will be boys.”
The comment was direct. It hurt. It hurt because he knew that his goons were in fact too rough with him. He knew he wouldn't give a rat's ass if they didn't feed him, punched him, kicked him. He didn't care if they held him down, beat him until he couldn't move any longer, coughed blood in their face or if they had their way with him until they became bored.. and it hurt.
Oh, did it hurt...
Still did..
Look, Wade could take a lot, he was already mentally snapped. So for them to take away that last bit of sanity he held? It was simply cruel. Like hanging a bone to a starving dog JUST out of reach no matter how far it jumps and snaps, always failing, eventually giving up, laying down, and accepting its fate of permanent malnutrition to the point of death. Accepting that by fighting it was only moving up their appointment with her.
With Death.
Wade felt like dying after what they've done to him. He knew he thought about it a lot but… He's never wanted to see her more than now. She would kiss him better.. she would take away his pain.
He was sure that his brain was rotting in places it wasn't before, the flesh of his mind decomposing, hot with dehydration and.. what was he talking about? Oh my god was he STILL talking? For fuck sakes.
Glancing up, Francis was still going on about something. Probably something stupid. Why did mad scientists always gloat to their victims?
He wondered how long he was going to let him rot like this. His limbs were already so numb, so heavy and felt like gravity was close to ripping them off with no help at all. It hurt.
That's all he could keep thinking.
It hurts.
What exactly? Well… Everything. Mainly his throat. God did his throat hurt. It throbbed, was sticky, bloody, and raw. His spine hurt, his toes hurt, his jaw hurt, his fingers felt so numb that he wasn't even sure if they were still attached. The soreness alone was killing him. Whatever he did to him? Wade felt like he enhanced his pain receptors. Taking them from a 15 to a 150.
It hurt so badly to breathe, each breath making his chest shake, rise and fall, trembling. This only enhanced, the sharp pain running through his heavy cheek, flinching as he was slapped.
“What's my name?”
Glancing up at him, Wade was more then confused. His body was falling into pieces and THAT'S what he cared about!? What's worse is he knew that he couldn't answer him. He was physically incapable of it.
“I said ‘What's my name?!” He screams at him, leaning in close, staring as Wade glared daggers at him, his mind already thinking of millions of ways to kill him.
If only he had the strength to fight..
Leaning in, Francis smirked that sick bastard of a smile, putting his hand to his ear. “Sorry, What was that? I don't think I heard you correctly, could you repeat that?”
About 5 full seconds pass before his grin gets widder, breathing out as he stands again, sighing in relief.
“Finally… Silence. What did I tell you? I warned you that If you won't stop, I would have to do it myself.”
He flicks Wade in the nose almost playfully. Wade, who, if it wasn't for the tape wrapped around his head to the point breathing through his mouth wasn’t an option- would have bitten his finger clean off.
Francis punches him. Hard. He breathed heavily through his nose, heaving and trying to groan out but nothing came out. Nothing ever came out anymore..
He laughs, smiling. Wade could count all of his teeth if his eye wasn't starting to swell up. Grabbing his face, tears forced themselves out of his eyes and down his cheek. Pulling him close, Francis put their heads together. “Oh, Look at you. So pretty when you cry.. are those for me? Hm? Ooh yes, Show me those big scared eyes. You aren't so full of quips now, are you?”
His hand reaches down, cranking up the collar around his neck, watching Wade's body shake. Not from fear but because his body was physically struggling to stay upright. He would have already flopped over if his arms and legs weren't chained, making him only slouch instead of fall to the floor.
“Let's be honest, you look better with your mouth shut anyway.”
Looking at him, he was confused. So confused. What was wrong with this guy? What kind of game is this? If Wade's voices didn't agree with him he would have claimed that Francis lost it far more than he did.
He pulls away, trailing a finger from the collar, going up his throat and across his jaw. “So let's make you gorgeous, huh? So… What's my name?”
Wade's eyes widen, his pupils, for once, shrinking. He squeezes his legs further together, trying to turn away only to flick him off with his untied finger, his wrists tied to the chair arms.
Francis slams a fist down on the finger, snapping it back as Wade jolts, silently screaming, huffing, beginning to hyperventilate and struggle against the chair best he could.
FffffUCK that hurt! He didn't remember such little fingers ever hurting that badly. Did it always burt that bad? Jesus christ! He needed out. He needed to escape. But he's already tried all his tricks. It only got him hurt more.
Again he hits him, slapping him with the back of his hand hard enough to bust his lip through the tape. The crimson that flooded his mouth made him flinch, gritting his teeth as he swallowed. It was agonizing. Each movement of his throat muscles was worse and worse, seeming almost paralyzed.
“Where do you think you'll go? Huh? You ain't going anywhere! And now look at what you've made me do!” He shouts, as Wade's head leans back, looking at him through his blonde eyelashes, exhausted, the vein they had in his arm pumping out what blood he was replenishing itself at snail speeds.
“You've made me ruin one of my best works yet… but that's okay. All good bitches break eventually. And then you'll be finally useful. The perfect soldier.”
What was it with people and the perfect soldier thing? Didn't the Winter Soldier already have this arc?? And didn't he already try to make him perfect in the first movie? God the writers are really getting lazy aren't they.. His eyes roll, and again he's hit, the sting running up his jaw and across his cheek, feeling the burn in his nose as it begins bleeding heavier.
“But no, you couldn't behave! So now you're going to die, alone, sitting in your own piss. What? Like anyone would actually come to save you?” he laughs. “You actually believe that? That anyone would actually care about you? You're disgusting. Fake skin and all, I know who you are underneath it all.”
Francis grabs his wrists, leaning forward. “Even your own mother couldn't love a face like that. Could she?”
‘He was probably right’, Wade thinks, feeling himself slipping away. His blood felt as if it were pouring out of him like a barrel of whiskey with holes shot through it.. Why didn't Francis just kill him already? He could easily shoot him. Get rid of him like the nasty scum he was.. but he didn't. He nee-
His mind switches to something else mid sentence in his head. A different voice taking over.
Whiskey… the smell of it stained on Logan's sweatshirts used to be the only thing that kept him sane, But now? It hurt too much to think about. It hurts too much to think about his loss. To think he would never smell that again...
If he thought about it anymore? Well, his heart was already about to die.. might as well go out thinking about that muscley hunk of Canadian. How gently he held him. How hot it was when he protected puppins from big dogs at the dog park or braided Laura's hair… how he loved him.
Truely.. loved him..
‘Never again, I fear’, Wade thinks and believes it brokenheartedly.
“Are you even listening to m-”
wwwwWWWOOOO
His head snapped towards the door, picking up a com as he clicked the button, walking away from Wade. Thank god. He was starting to worry that he'd kiss him. Ewww. He would never kiss someone named ‘francis’ or ‘ajax’ for that matter. Wade didn't like soap in his mouth.
“Turn that off! Now! What did I tell you morons abo-” There was shouting on the other end of the line before a scream. Something along the lines of ‘He's here’
“Who!? Who's here?- Doesn't matter. Shut the whole place down! Hello? God damn it-” he switched a line, the loud blaring of the alarm drowning him out. “Angel! What's going on up there? Hello!?? Why the fuck do I even pay you guys? For what?”
On the other line, there was shuffling, boots, shouting, “Find him!-”
The look on Francis’ face was golden. His little slave trade was getting busted. And Wade was physically chained to his seat to watch, death glaring daggers at him with the smallest, smuggest smirk under his tape, breathing through his nose heavily.
“This isn't over yet. Don't you even dare think I'm finished here! You Will obey me!”
The moment he ran out of the room to go save his research (or possibly abandon it), A rumble came from the wall.
Claws.
What? No. He was hallucinating again. His mind was so cruel to him now. Starved, dehydrated and exhausted, mentally physically and emotionally, you name it.
Leaning his head back against the chair, he sighs, watching as an imaginary Wolverine came through the wall, panting, snarling, feral. Like an animal hunting its prey.
The amount of dust and mold that came from the wall was enough to make him cough, and in an instant, Logan was at his side, tearing through the chains.
Damn.. He'd have to give the imagination team some props upstairs. This seemed way too real. The way the red lights flashed over his eyes made him look so pissed, his frantic worry in those blue eyes, the struggle in his voice to keep from crying as his nose twitched. He was sniffing him...he didn't recognize him…
His mouth opened to mutter something.
What was he saying? ‘Oh- hey! Stop shaking me!’ Is what he wanted to say, only to realize that.. Hallucinations couldn't touch you.
His eyes widened, He had given up on being pretty but if that was the truth he wouldn't know how to survive. But he was anything but pretty right now, snot, tears, blood and piss covering him.
It was now that Logan yelled something, Directing some agents or.. police? It was hard to tell when He felt like the ground was trying to drag him down, gravity taking hold of him as he slouched over in the chair, still in too much pain to support himself.
“I need a code, Get me a collar code, NOW!” he read his lips, though, he could have Said “I saw an old get me a dollar cod now” but that didn't make much sense, Wade thought. Then again he wasn't thinking much at all right now.
When Logan finally ripped off both collars and all of the wiring/tubing, he looked like he would puke at the sight of him. Pushing his shoulders up against the back of the chair, his hands shaking, covered in blood and sweat, tears flooding his eyes.
Aw.. he didn't like seeing Logan cry. He was saying so many things, shouting at him angrily, hurt. Those big Atlantic eyes becoming a true ocean. A soft smile came to his bruised and busted lips, staring at him so fondly, sympathetic. He missed Logan.. he missed him so much that his eyes stung just from seeing him. His love was so heavy, weights he could never escape in a room full of quicksand.
Wade opens his mouth but nothing comes out.
“Wade! Answer me! What did you take? What did he give you!? Honey, look at me! Please! Tell me, tell me anything! Wade!-” he shakes him again.
“Tell me what you took, Wade look at me, Tell me what'd you take? Wilson!.. please.. talk to me. Answer me, Wade!” He shouts.
He flinches. Hard.
“Oh… sweetheart....What did he do to you..?” His voice cracks, bringing a hand up to caress his cheek but Wade's hand comes up to hit it away, trying to instinctively turn away into the chair, hiding. He looked so.. terrified. Like he didn't know who he was.
Something about this sends Logan into a rage, growling loudly and snarling towards the door where he ran off. He stands, hairs on his body raised, eyes glazed over with blind hatred.
Just before he runs to shred the man who did this to his husband, He grabs him.
Shaking from weakness and fear, in that chair sat a man he barely knew, eyes as blue as his own, blonde hair growing to look like a buzz cut. So thin. So weak. His neck was burned, his nose was bleeding down his chin, his lip joining in, his black eye almost swollen shut, deep yellow and purple bruising on his rib cage, hand prints on his throat, internal bleeding in his gut. He could tell by the smell of him. That and the massive pooling that shown on his stomach.
His fingers were gripping on Logan's shirt, and tight from the looks of it.
As tight as his remaining strength would let him.
The pleading look in his eye's begged him not to go. Begged him never to leave his side ever again. Such big eyes.. such desperation.. so much pain.
Grunting, Logan points to the door. “DON'T let him get away or I'm coming after YOU!” he growls, watching as all of the remaining soldiers run out the room, leaving Logan with Wade. And Wade with Logan.
No one else mattered now.
Sitting in front of him, Logan held his hands, suddenly panicking. “Wade!” He shouted, squeezing his hand. It was cold.
Where were they? Alaska? Canada? No.. not Canada. If this was Canada he would have to move to a new city and teach himself how to die, how to bury a memory as his life was burying his own with each passing moment.
“Wade? Stay with me. Come on, Just be strong a little longer! Please- You can't leave me again!!” He shouts at the top of his water filled lungs, but Wade can't see anything. He couldn't feel anything either except the cold concrete against his naked stomach as everything disappears.
Heh… funny.. the one time God answered his prayers… When he said he wished he could see Logan again before he died, he didn't mean this.
As did everyone eventually.. as Logan was destined to.
This wasn't how he wanted to go out but.. he was pretty sure that Fate had lost her patience with him.
And so.. that's it... that's the final bell. Close the curtains.. roll the credits.. This movie's over. No post credit scene.
Just…
The End
#silence au#chapter 3#ajax#francis freeman#brand new city#deadpool and wolverine#poolverine#logan howlett#wade wilson#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool 3#deadclaws#deadpool movie#deadpool marvel#deadpool comics#slight jaxpool#gross#please read#took me a while#suffer <3#:)
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I don't think I ever published these so ig.....
There's a last one but err warning for gore and blood(mostly just ripping an arm off)
#I'm not okay#got so sad I started imagining angst scenarios with myself instead of some characters??#and also ended up writing a short thing of killer dying...#and drew a page of suffering with eyes filling up the empty space...#and cried for 2 nights straight which is a lot compared to how it took me 6 years to start crying again#anyways simply. I just want to cry again-#anyways idk how but I got some determination so there might actually be something of this one comic#even though I want to work on other things.. I'm just too tired(sad) for that#sans au#utmv#undertale au#kross ship#criller#kist#killer sans#dust sans#cross sans#horror sans#dust x killer#killer x dust#cross x killer#killer x cross#sanscest#UwU#cw blood#cw gore
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#toronto maple leafs#HELLO EVERYBODY THIS HAS BEEN MONTHS!!! MONTHS IN THE MAKING BECAUSE i AM UNHINGED AND NEEDED THE PRECISE PICTURES THAT I KNEW I WOULD GET#like. seventy five percent of this has been done since the first time i posted this and while it has gotten better with time because#my narratives simply got more complex and there's so much of this that is For Me but don't worry i will explain but aLSO goddamn mitch coul#you have gotten married any later in the year. also willy you truly disappointed me by not getting an absurd haircut this year (now that#i've said this he's going to debut it on instagram like. tomorrow. but anyway that meant y'all got to enjoy my neuroses of#Loving Tyler Bertuzzi who is a goddamn leaf. the joys of having to wait to post this (was not a leaf at the time i started it) and anyway i#have at length i think had the breakdown about tyler in pigtails girl dad & how i got a bob & then tyler copied me which was rude. that's m#gender. ANYWAY starting from the top we got sheldon keefe documentation which was really just the personal decision that i wanted all the#coaching staff to be the markers in the poem/the bold & also at the TIME keefe hadn't re-signed &we thought it might be everybody out w/kyl#anyway the title of the scrap of an old lover's flannel is literally 'u think this is about sheldon & kyle NO it's about timothy liljegren'#bc. liljegren was on the marlies winning cup team & has had a contentious relationship w/keefe ever since & was healthy scratched in playof#& the narrative is sooooo. also at one point for the ryan o'reilly i was going to edit the stlb out of his grandma's shirt or cover it w/th#childhood dreams line but THEN i found the gio snapped stick one which was too perfect for 'crumbling copy' the ryan o'reilly To Me is so.#ur insane in ways u did not think for that one. like. how soft her hands were. his grandma you guys. he grew up a leafs fan. if he ever get#to lift the cup with her again i will lose my shit. the cup run a movie i remember nothing--OKAY the spezz one i knew i needed him stresse#but also i believe in the spezz/kyle narrative so. it comes up later don't worry ALSO SPEZZ FOLLOWING HIM TO PITT CAME AFTER I MADE THIS bu#the muzz tea one makes me a little sensy bc muzz was out with an injury for most of this season & it was a really scary spinal one & so yea#& then the simmer one just straight up makes me cry bc i love him so much & the work that he does for anti-racism in hockey means so much &#if you have that video open & watch it i promise you will cry i do every time it's so beautiful he had to be on comforted by beauty & sammy#boy is on the a man who doesn't know me because EYE remember the caps goalie tandems. baby lilya. the mo one is a little funny bc it is#solely due to wade's thread about mo rielly the coal miner homestead husband. that's why he moves to omaha also i think it suits him (quiet#OK NOW OLD MEN IN LOVE NARRATIVE this one's in contention for my fave bc it's spezz coping w/retirement fundamental meaningless of existenc#u heard abt tyler already that's for me the minchy picture was just too good i had found it earlier & i spent SO LONG looking for an empty#leafs rink picture for bathtub i have some cool construction photos but i wanted the melting ice ones (thought about tahoe lol) & the sprin#one i manip'd a lot bc i needed a spring picture bc playoffs clinch in spring & that one fit so coincidentally perfect bc it's 7 straight#seasons 7 guys so. :) & i KNEW i swore to god they did more milk advertising i knew i was gonna do this one from the minute i saw the poem#the milk patch & it took a hot minute BUT I FOUND THIS ONE this one's for funsies. AND THE PIC I WAITED SO FUCKING LONG FOR this is actuall#from kerf's wedding but i was like i know on god mitch is getting married this summer & that's about to be the drunkest shenanigans wedding#i'm waiting for the pics. & then i was BLESSED with this one which is beautiful & perfect & LOOK AT THEM. anyway the last one is bc
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"I didn't break," she said quietly. His heart cracked at the words. "I didn't tell them anything."
She didn't say it for praise, to boast. But rather to tell him, her consort, of where they stood in this war. What their enemies might know.
"I knew you wouldn't," he managed to say.
"She ... she tried to convince me that this was the bad dream. When Cairn was done with me, or during it, I don't know, she'd try to worm her way into my mind." She glanced around the cave, as if she could see the world beyond it. "She spun fantasies that felt so real..." She bobbed under the surface. Perhaps she'd needed the cooling water of the lake to be able to hear her own voice again; perhaps she needed the distance between them so she could speak these words. She emerged, slicking back her hair with a hand. "They felt like this."
Half of him didn't want to know, but he asked, "What sort of illusions?"
A long pause. "It doesn't matter now."
Too soon to push—if ever.
Then she asked softly, "How long?"
It took the entirety of his three centuries of training to keep the devastation, the agony for her, from his face. "Two months, three days, and seven hours."
Her mouth tightened, either at the length of time, or the fact that he'd counted every single one of those hours apart.
She ran her fingers through her hair, its strands floating around her in the water. Still too long for two months to have passed. "They healed me after each ... session. So that I stopped knowing what had been done and what was in my mind and where the truth lay." Erase her scars, and Maeve stood a better chance at convincing her none of this was real. "But the healers couldn't remember how long my hair was, or Maeve wanted to confuse me further, so they grew it out." Her eyes darkened at the memory of why, perhaps, they had needed to regrow her hair in the first place.
"Do you want me to cut it back to the length it was when I last saw you?" His words were near-guttural.
"No." Ripples shivered around her. "I want it so I can remember."
What had been done to her, what she'd survived and what she had protected.
Even if the woman treading water before him didn't seem to have vengeance on her mind. Not so much as a hint of the burning rage that fueled her.
He didn't blame her. Knew it would take time, time and distance, to heal the internal wounds. If they could ever really heal at all.
But he'd work with her, help in whatever way he could. And if she never returned to who she had been before this, he would not love her any less.
Aelin dunked her head, and when she emerged, she said, "Maeve was about to put a Valg collar around my neck. She left to retrieve it." The scent of her lingering fear drifted toward him, and Rowan lurched a step closer to the water's edge. "It's why I—why I got away. She had me moved to the army camp for safekeeping, and I ..." Her voice stalled, yet she met his stare. Let him read the words she could not say, in that silent way they'd always been able to communicate. Escape wasn't my intention.
"No, Fireheart," he breathed, shaking his head, horror creeping over him. "There ... there was no collar."
She blinked, head angling. "That was a dream, too?"
His heart cracked as he struggled for the words. Made himself voice them. "No—it was real. Or Maeve thought it was. But the collars, the Valg presence ... It was a lie that we crafted. To draw Maeve out, hopefully away from you and Doranelle."
Only the faint lapping of water sounded. "There was no collar?"
Rowan lowered himself to his knees and shook his head. "I—Aelin, if I'd known what she'd do with the knowledge, what you'd decide to do-"
He might have lost her. Not from Maeve or the gods or the Lock, but from his own damned choices. The lie he'd spun.
Aelin drifted beneath the surface again. So deep that when the flare happened, it was little more than a flutter. The light burst from her, rippling across the lake, illumining the stones, the slick ceiling above. A silent eruption. His breathing turned ragged. But she swam toward the surface again, light streaming off her body like tendrils of clouds. It had nearly vanished when she emerged.
"I'm sorry," he managed to say. Again, that angle of the head. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He did, though. He'd added to her terror, her desperation. He'd— "If you had not planted that lie for Maeve, if she had not told me, I don't think we'd be here right now," she said.
He tried to rein in the twisting in his gut, the urge to reach for her, to beg for her forgiveness. Tried and tried.
She only asked, "What of the others?" She didn't know-couldn't know how and why and where they'd all parted ways. So Rowan told her, as succinctly and calmly as he could.
When he finished, Aelin was quiet for long minutes.
She stared out into the blackness, the rippling of her treading water the only sound. Her body had nearly lost that freshly forged glow.
Then she pivoted back toward him. "Maeve said you and the others were in the North. That you'd been spotted by her spies there. Did you plant that deception for her, too?"
He shook his head. "Lysandra has been thorough, it seems."
Aelin's throat bobbed. "I believed her." It sounded like a confession, somehow.
So Rowan found himself saying, "I told you once that even if death separated us, I would rip apart every world until I found you." He gave her a slash of a smile. "Did you really believe this would stop me?'
She pursed her mouth, and at last, those agonizing emotions began to surface in her eyes. "You were supposed to save Terrasen."
"Considering that the sun shines, I'd say Erawan hasn't won yet. So we'll save it together."
He didn't let himself think of the final cost of destroying Erawan. And Aelin seemed in no hurry to discuss it, either, as she said, "You should have gone to Terrasen. It needs you."
"I need you more." He didn't balk from the stark honesty roughening his voice. "And Terrasen will need you, too. Not Lysandra masquerading as you, but you."
A shallow nod. "Maeve raised her army. I doubt it was only to guard me while she was away."
He'd put the thought aside, to consider later. "It might just be to shore up her defenses, should Erawan win across the sea."
"Do you truly think that's what she plans to do with it?"
"No," he admitted. "I don't."
And if Maeve meant to bring that army to Terrasen, to either unite with Erawan or simply be another force battering their kingdom, to strike when they were weakest, they had to hurry. Had to get back. Immediately. His mate's eyes shone with the same understanding and dread.
Aelin's throat bobbed as she whispered, "I'm so tired, Rowan."
His heart strained again. "I know, Fireheart."
He opened his mouth to say more, to coax her onto land so he might at least hold her if words couldn't ease her burden, but that's when he saw it.
A boat, ancient and every inch of it carved, drifted out of the gloom.
"Get back to shore." The boat wasn't drifting—it was being tugged. He could just barely make out two dark forms slithering beneath the surface.
Aelin didn't hesitate, yet her strokes remained steady as she swam for him. She didn’t balk at the hand he extended, and he wrapped his cloak around her while the boat ambled past.
But Aelin turned toward them, hair dripping onto the stone at her bare feet. Half a thought from her could have had her dry, yet she made no move to do so. "We're being hunted."
"We know that," Lorcan shot back, and were it not for the fact that Aelin was currently allowing him to rest a hand upon her shoulder, Rowan would have thrown the male into the lake.
But Aelin's features didn't shift from that graveness, that unruffled calm. "The only way to the sea is through these caves." It was an outrageous claim.
"And I suppose they told you that?" Lorcan's face was hard as granite.
"Watch it," Rowan snarled. Fenrys indeed bared his teeth at the dark-haired warrior, fur bristling. But Aelin said simply, "Yes." Her chin didn't dip an inch. "The land above is crawling with soldiers and spies. Going beneath them is the only way."
Elide stepped forward. "I will go." She cut a cold glance toward Lorcan. "You can take your chances above, if you're so disbelieving." Lorcan's jaw tightened, and a small part of Rowan relished seeing the delicate Lady of Perranth fillet the centuries-hardened warrior with a few words. "Considering the potential pitfalls of the situation is wise."
"We don't have time to consider," Rowan cut in before Elide could voice the retort on her tongue. "We need to keep moving. Gavriel stalked forward to study the moored boat and what seemed to be bundles of supplies on its sturdy planks. "How will we navigate our way, though?"
"We'll be escorted," Aelin answered.
"And if they abandon us?" Lorcan challenged. Aelin leveled unfazed eyes upon him.
"Then you'll have to find a way out, I suppose." A hint-just a spark-of temper belied those calm words. There was nothing else to debate after that.
And they had little to pack. The others gave Aelin privacy to dress by the fire while they inspected the boat, and when his mate emerged again, clad in boots, pants, and various layers beneath her gray surcoat, the sight of her in clothes from Mistward was enough to make his gut clench.
No longer a naked, escaped captive. Yet none of that wickedness, that joy and unchecked wildness illuminated her face.
The rest of their party waited on the boat, seated on the benches built into its high-lipped sides. Fenrys and Elide both sat as seemingly far from Lorcan as they could get, Gavriel a golden, long-suffering buffer between them.
Rowan lingered at the shore's edge, a hand extended for Aelin while she approached. Each of her steps seemed considered—as if she still marveled at being able to move freely. As if still adjusting to her legs without the burden of chains.
"Why?" Lorcan mused aloud, more to himself. "Why go to these lengths for us?"
He got his answer—they all did—a heartbeat later. Aelin halted a few feet away from the boat and Rowan's outstretched hand. She turned back toward the cave itself. The Little Folk peeked from those birch branches, from the rocks, from behind stalagmites. Slowly, deeply, Aelin bowed to them. Rowan could have sworn all those tiny heads lowered in answer.
A pair of bony grayish hands rose above a nearby rock, something glittering held between them, and set the object on the stone.
Rowan went still. A crown of silver and pearl and diamond gleamed there, fashioned into upswept swan's wings
"The Crown of Mab," Gavriel breathed. But Fenrys looked away, toward the looming dark, his tail curling around him.
Aelin staggered a step closer to the crown. "It—it fell into the river."
Rowan didn't want to know how she'd encountered it, why she'd seen it fall into a river. Maeve had kept her sisters' two crowns under constant guard, only bringing them out to be displayed in her throne room on state occasions. In memory of her siblings, she'd intoned. Rowan had sometimes wondered if it was a reminder that she had outlasted them, had kept the throne for herself in the end.
The grayish hand slipped over the rock's edge again and nudged the crown in silent gesture. Take it.
"You want to know why?" Gavriel softly asked Lorcan as Aelin strode for the rock. Nothing but solemn reverence on her face. "Because she is not only Brannon's Heir, but Mab's, too."
A throwback to her great-great-grandmother, Maeve had taunted her. Who had inherited her strength, her immortal lifespan.
Aelin's fingers closed around the crown, lifting it gently. It sparkled like living moonlight between her hands.
My sister Mab's line ran true, Elide claimed Maeve had said on the beach. In every way, it seemed.
But Aelin made no move to don the crown while she approached him once more, her gait steadier this time. Trying not to dwell on the unbearable smoothness of her hand as it wrapped around his, Rowan helped her aboard, then climbed in himself before freeing the ropes tethering them to the shore.
Gavriel went on, awe in every word, "And that makes her their queen, too."
Aelin met Gavriel's gaze, the crown near-glowing in her hands. "Yes," was all she said as the boat sailed into the darkness.
#Chapter 35#Rowan Whitethorn Galathynius#Rowan Whitethorn#Rowaelin#Rowaelin chapters#Rowaelin quotes#Rowaelin moments#Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galathynius#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#spoilers in post & tags please no spoilers up to this ch. first read with me cry with me pt. 2 perspective Rowan#That lake water had never seen sunlight had flowed from the dark cold heart of the mountains themselves. — she is the sun and the heart#It would kill even the most hardened of Fae warriors within minutes. Yet there was Aelin swimming as if it were a sun-warmed forest pool.#her faintly glowing body. As if the water had peeled away the skin of the woman and revealed the blazing soul beneath.#But that glow faded with each passing breath she emerged to take dimming further each time she plunged beneath the surface.#internal inferno-or simply because she first wanted to wash away the stain of Cairn? Perhaps both.-She didn’t trust her power on land#The Celaena freedom vibes hurt-Lorcan god on his shoulder-OMG do her&Manon share crowns?#At least she'd begun speaking her eyes clearing a bit. — the glow still barely clinging — the way he just wants her to be ok#You could join me she said at last No heat in her words yet he felt the invitation. — but rather to be WITH her#She did no such thing her arms continuing their sweeping circles in the water. Aelin only stared at him again in that grave cautious way.#real or not real — a god in her own might — as if she could see the world beyond it; worlds; the queen to walk between worlds#Too soon to push—if ever. — he’d hear them when she was ready — if the time never came he’d love her anyways — it’s how they fell#what illusion? night made of dream. or the worst; both.#the way he knows the date with her just like Lyria — him offering to cut her hair — knowing she needs to remember — no fear of lakes anymor#all the Mistward paralells — I didn’t break — I know — I’m tired; ITS ALL THE TROPES#she’s making me think of Annie from HG — THE WAY HE LOVES HER — no rage just trust — everytime he calls her Fireheart#the two of them worrying the other would be upset and feeling guilty while there not — the way Chaol described as a wolf&he just sees as is#he just wants to hold her-how she goes to him-hes just happy to beWher-what if-known-it switched THEIR-she isTHEspark-Lorcan almost-no fued#HeirofMab-shes why-Rowan loves nomatter-on his knees to apologize-had Lys been pretending to be him?blind eels4ladyTHXlilfolk-Gavriel the#longsufferingbuffer-FenrysKNEW-more iron-moon star&Sun2stars-but Aelin never wanted that-she'd give it all-my favoriteCh.RowanSimp4his wif
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#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely#I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend#I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types aren’t real#it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me#it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them#and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life#I have a partner but I can’t always talk to them when I need to because they can’t always handle a conversation#I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately#I have other friends but they’re not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when I’m lonely like this#I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations#and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I don’t know what to do anymore#I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me#I’m starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know I’m better without them in my life#but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to#at least for a while they were very close to me and i think that’s what I really miss most of all#just the closeness of another person since I don’t always feel that with other relationships these days#it’s times like these I wish I’d just killed myself at 16 so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this over and over forever#it’s times like these I wanna fade away#if I’m going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of#idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with#pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to make it this long in the first place#I mean I’m being facetious cause I’m not overly suicidal and I’m not actually going to do anything#just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way#like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago#just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that#personal
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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Coming home from being gone almost a whole month just wanting to relax in my own space to find that the entire kitchen has been rearranged with no consult or input from me, most of my stuff is now up in a (badly) organized cabinet where I will now forget it exists (because ADHD) and never use again, kitchen Items that I actually use frequently are being given away, and then when I remembered there was ice cream in the garage, discovered that freezer door hasn't been sealed properly for who knows how long and all of that will have to be tossed
#Also I'm overwhelmed bcs I didn't actually sleep last night#And instead got ready to leave and cleaned the house I was at interspersed with a few short naps#And all I wanted to do was to be home where everything was normal and good#For a WEEK before I leave again for almost 3 more weeks#But no everything can't just be normal#Anyways I am crying about it and I know it's not rational but I'm overwhelmed#And I don't like this even before even getting into the stuff that simply Won't work like the heavy cans in the (very weak) drawers#Like some stuff was where it was very specifically and I'm the one who organized it and reorganized it several times to figure that out#With barely even a thank you or aknowledgment at all#Mypersonalthings
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#it’s really fucking cold rn#also i’ve been sad for like a week and it’s got better sometimes but things keep happening so every time i think#im okay it’s fine… something else happens and it’s like well fuck now i have to deal with this exhausting ordeal again why do i have#to suffer so much#but it’s okay because everything happens for a reason and maybe this is the universe trying to tell me something#like keep taking your fucking meds#but also stop being so emotional and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve#but i refuse to regret thinking i was ready to be a real person again#I wasn’t ready but i refuse i simply refuse to regret believing that i was okay?#anyway it’s kind of unfair how i tried my best and january still turned out awful#like i just wanted one nice thing#but anyway this month has always been for life-changing decisions and i made one today as i do every year#so everything’s fine now#i can’t believe i’m saying this but i can’t wait to go back to work lmaooo#if i’m busy i won’t have time to cry right?? i won’t have time to dwell on stupid inconsequential things i can’t help but notice#sometimes i wish i couldn’t read wish i was illiterate i’d be so sane rn if that were the case <333#i would feel so secure and everything would be fine <333#anyway i’m thinking about morey because they are the only thing worth thinking about atm and they’re everything to me also 💖💖#morey supremacy i wish the teen wolf movie weren’t real skdjdjdj#STAND BEHIND ME COREY 💖💖 i won’t let them hurt youuu 💖💖
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todays one of those days. just googled how much an adhd or autism assessment would cost in Ireland. Over 1.5k each lol. do I look like I’m gonna spend 3k just to be told smth that I a) already know and b) no one can do anything about? lmfao shut uuuuup 😭😭😭
#I’d have to pay for it privately due to Complicated Immigrant Situation That Influences My Health Insurance Situation (TM)#sometimes I just feel like it would be easier if I knew what was wrong with me yk#I have this ALL OR NOTHING mindset thing and I’ve always had that and my mum has been on my ass about having to work on that all my life#anyway it’s come to bite me in the ass once again#yk when ur brain just gets like. Stuck on a thought#not in an OCD way tho more like. ‘if this doesn’t play out EXACTLY like I thought it would I will have a meltdown’#and then you have to exert sooooo much energy bc you have to stop the meltdown from happening#my boyfriend changed plans we had and it fucked me up so hard I don’t know#and when I say ‘I wish I was normal about this’ he replied he loves me for who I am#really????? it is simply impossible that you love someone bc they have a crying hyperventilating breakdown bc the plans for one day on one#weekend change lmaooooooooo#(I didn’t have the meltdown. I suppressed it. I’m not a bitch!)#I don’t want him to feel guilty#but he picked up on it and I don’t know how to explain to him that it’s not about the damned change of plans#I’m upset bc I feel unseen bc I have to mask and mask and mask and I don’t even know WHAT I’m masking#maybe I don’t even have any neurodivergence and I’m just a horrible person#frankly the most likely outcome but I sure as fuck am not paying 3k to be diagnosed with Basic Bitch 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#shut up Sam
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my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.
#even when im not#see i might have zero confidence in most things but when it comes to wild takes for shows and shit? i am more right than the writers#i am simply better than them they wish they had my brain#do i deal with more anxiety than anyone ever wished would even exist yes i actively corce myself into 6 anxiety attacks every hour by#leaving my house and force myself to anyways its not good its not healthy dont do that do as i say not as i do#but is my brain incredible at being wild? yes show writers wish they were me#imagine being as out there as me#i lay the easter eggs before i know theyre easter eggs and watch as ppl froth to find them and cry when they realize they were right there#bc i didnt know they were there either i connected them after the fact#flawlessly crossover shit that shouldn’t work? try me u cant do what i can#im dazzling fake it til u make it or whatever#im also accidentally hilarious and that should be feared my power is incredible#’brina wtf—‘ so funny thing the thing that spurred this one#was seeing multiple ppl of a fandom on DIFFERENT websites incorrectly use the word wh/itewash#bc apparently they dont understand that whitewa/shing is not ‘they made this character dumb when they arent!!!’ like#thats not what that means buddy that you cant use that on a white character forbeing a dumbass their whiteness wasnt affected#is there any correlation to my beign annoyed at that and my temporary confidence? i have no fucjibg idea man im mentally ill what do ya want#i need anxiety meds that dont cause depresso and depresso meds thatdonf causs anxiety#otherwise my sudden jumps of this and wanting implosions just keep flickering#anyways i dont usually do this bc i dont wanna be an asshole but skmetimes you see shir and its like#damn ive never been the smartest bitch in the room before but boy howdy is that a feeling im feeling#raiiot#i still cant believe it#’they whi/tewashed (white character that is white in every material)’s storyline she did this dumb thing based on feelings insteads of#slowly entering madness!!!!’ do we need a masterclass on how a WHITE character cannot be wh/itewashed#and also that their MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH are NOT aspects of that when. again. THEYRE WHITE#THATS NOT WHAT THAT M E A N S#whatever gen that is i i dont think its the zoomies idk if its mellis or the xers hut like whoever u are#for fucks sake man. for fucks sake#your misuse of that word is almost as bad as your takes
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7 1/2 hour shift with no food ayyyyy
#i simply want to pass away (literally)#and yeah i did have a half hour break at 10#but we were so busy then i didn’t want to order food. i wouldn’t have had time to eat it anyways#plus my break wasn’t even paid 💀 like i had to clock out. i mean i don’t get breaks in the evening shifts but fuck this whole thing#second day of period and i had to pay for an order i messed up. for some reason#tbh idk why i had to pay out of pocket for it. like#but whatever i fucking hate that rule#but my boss is a literal asshole so i didn’t want him to yell at me again 🙃#i was told i did good today but idk like getting yelled at for mistakes i made kinda fucks me up#i fucked up so badly i just wanna cry rn#i’m exhausted i only got 6 hours of sleep and im fucking starving#i only have eggs at home 🥲#could have bought food at work but i’m really fucking stingy about spending money on food#especially since i had to pay out of pocket for that one order#i’m already home now but i think im gonna go to the grocery store and get some icecream#idk i just need a little treat so i literally don’t kms hahaha#anyways delete later
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Yandere knight who wants you instead of the princess.
Dead dove Do not Eat Tw. For noncon, MDNI, Fem pov
Yandere knight who has been training in the palace for a very long time. It's an honor for a commoner like him to even set foot into the castle walls, so he works earnestly.
Yandere knight who's been catching glimpses of not only the lovely princess throughout the years, but her handmaidens as well. You're a daughter of a somewhat lesser noble house, and therefore you have essentially been given to the royal family until you're eventually married off to another courtier.
But of all the noble ladies, who often ignore him, he finds you to be the most approachable and kind to him and the other squires. He's developed a bit of a crush on you over the years, and he eventually found it in himself to express his feelings. They were innocent and pure then, and he stood there blushing and awkward waiting for you to accept or deny. He would've taken a no from you. Really, he would have.
But then that pompous bitch got in the way.
The princess had you pulled away by her other attendants before you could answer, and she all but sneered at him.
"My maids are not for common rife like you to sully," she spat, a look of disdain carved on her delicate features.
Yandere knight who was deployed to the battlefront soon after. He spent years in misery knowing it was that royal woman's meddling that had both sent him here and stopped him from knowing how you truly felt.
Yandere knight who carved through foe upon foe with the flash of his sword while thinking of you. He would wipe blood from his face and wonder what it would take to have you. He resolves to become so renowned that he could have you and the respect he deserved all those years ago anyways.
Yandere knight who comes back as the hero of the nation. A parade is thrown for him upon his return, and flowers are thrown at his feet by the masses of people. He is awarded a noble title, a duke (impressive), a territory of land to manage, and the blessing to have the hand of any eligible lady in the land from the king.
The implication was for him to go for the princess, sitting there in a gown befitting of an engagement party. She wasn't the heir to the throne, and having a young, impressionable Duke to have and father a potential crown prince or princess was certainly a draw for her to act so sweet and lovely despite her previous attitudes. He had to use all the will in his body to hide his disdainful glare towards her. Instead, he strode up with a near giddy grin, breezed past the waiting royal, and knelt before you.
"[Name], I shall have you as my wife," He says with a beaming smile. You try to protest, but he's already sweeping you into his arms. The king seems surprised by his choice, but as he stares between Yandere Knight, lovestruck and beaming, and you, squirming and utterly shocked, he realizes that he cannot simply go back on his word. The king waves his hand, and your fate is sealed.
Yandere knight feels bad for not giving you a proper wedding. In fact, he feels bad about not taking you to your new home before he's pulling up your skirts. He's a dog, he knows, but you're just so tempting now that you're all his. He shoving you down onto the plush upholstery of the carriage seats, and you let out a startled cry.
Yandere knight who cannot claim he's chivalrous. He wishes he could, but he loves the way your breasts look pushed up so tightly in the laced bodice of yours. He lets out a groan, petting your hair and shushing you as you whimper under his wandering touch. Button after button becomes undone.
"Love, you'll never wear such stifling clothing again. You hear me? All robes and lace from now on. None of this nonsense," He murmurs into your skin. He pulled your corset and chemise from your body, and he pressed fervent kisses to the crook of your neck. He grasps at your breasts, kneading them experimentally. He's had time to experience women on the battlefield. A fling or two in some field on the outskirts of a freshly liberated village. He would think of you the whole time and imagine what he was latching his lips around the stiff peak of your nipple while a random girl cried out underneath him. But this was real. Your warmth beneath his much heavier form was on of the most beautiful feeling he had ever had the pleasure of witnessing.
He parted your legs, and he could feel you shy away from him. He laughed. As if you had a choice. He knew you would love him eventually, but for now you can't blame him for how ravenous he was as he felt between your shaking, parted legs. He smirked as his lips met yours. His fingers slid against your folds, gathering slick arousal on his digits with a curious hum. He grinds his thumb against your clit as he slowly pushes his way into your warm, spongy walls.
"Oh? Is it good there? Or here? Where, love? You gotta use your words," He teases and licks the tears rolling down your cheeks, peppering your soft skin with kisses. He feels you pulse and stretch around his hand, and he relishes the way your back arches when he curls his fingers just right against that sweet little spot. Desperate noises tumble out of you, and he smiles.
He pulls his fingers out, and you cry out at the sudden sensation. Your chest is heaving with small moans, and your pretty pussy is drooling onto the carriage cushions. He pushes your legs up to your chest for a better grip, and his shudders at the way your twitching feels against the head of his cock.
Yandere knight knows that, as he thrusts into you, he's going to enjoy the luxury of finally having you both under his body and under his control.
#my writing#yandere#tw yandere#yandere male#yandere x you#yandere x reader#x reader#fanfic writing#yandere knight#dead dove do not eat#yandere character#yandere x darling
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there should be a way that you can tell someone to fuck off and leave you alone without them getting all pissed and sentimental about it
#like i enjoy doing things on my own i do not want company unless i ask for it#my sister is out of school so she insists on coming to the gym with me and i dont like it so i haven’t gone in two weeks#bc if i tell her no she will go cry about it to my mom and then once again i’m getting yelled at simply bc she’s a fucking crybaby#and my moms like hey i knwo you’re going out can you take me with you or can you take your sister with you#i mean i can. but i don’t want to#and its not cause i dont like them or whatever#i just dont want company?? is that so hard to understand??#anyways as always im going to be the bad daughter/sister#x
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