eitherandor-blog

[eitherandor-blog]

Seen

Some folks may be surprised by this announcement, while others may say ‘it’s about damn time.’ This is both new for me and yet, something I may have known long ago, but lacked the language and confidence to explore and share with others. Until now.

I identify today as non-binary. I use they/them pronouns, rather than he and him.

Figuring out who you are during your mid-30’s has been simultaneously overwhelming and refreshing. It’s unnerving for me to question and reconsider what I always thought was true and real from my own life..and then even more encouraging and enlivening to feel that you’ve finally discovered a part of yourself.

I remember I told my partner six or seven years ago that I was not sure of my gender and might be exploring some fashion choices that were not typically men’s clothing. That vulnerability was about as far as I got for a while. Gradually, I opened up a little more, letting a few close friends and family members know that I was trying to better understand who I was and what I needed to be me.

..

Whether due to fear of reprisal or mere self-doubt and bias, I did not pursue clothing and other choices outside the man box for several years. My visibility would vary depending on my environment, be that a social or work setting. What really moved me along and got me to where I am today is actually my children.

Being a parent is a journey all on its own. What I don’t think I braced for was how much it would teach me about me. It has demanded that I am consistent in my messaging and beliefs. Especially as my oldest ages and calls me out, I need to be accountable for what I say, how I behave, and who I am. I am grateful to be in a relationship and co-create a home that is affirming and accepting- both of the people who live here and the people of the world.

In terms of gender, we knew that we wanted our kids to have agency to dress and express as they felt comfortable, giving them choice and freedom to experiment with how they looked and what they wanted.  We strive to let them lead us to who they are and will be. In cultivating this environment for them both and witnessing them transcend any 'conventional’ gender boundaries, I realized how stifled I felt in my own expression. It felt so hypocritical: to want my children to feel supported to show up in the world how they wanted..when I had been hiding all along, refraining from coming out and living fully as who I am. My gender has deviated from the norm of a cisgender man for years. With kids to encourage, if this wasn’t the opportunity to live out my truth, that time would never come. And if I wanted my kids to think they could wear whatever and identify however, what better way to teach it than model it myself?

For so long, growing up was about finding where you fit in and with who. This was easier as a student, but that petered out (as it does for many) upon leaving school. Even with a lovely community of people, my network has shrunk precipitously in recent years, no matter my attempts to continue engaging folks. COVID was not easy as an extrovert and parenting has not helped my social life. Whatever the reason, and despite having people all around, I do not know if I ever felt so alone.

Perhaps my loneliness- then and now- was recognition that I don’t fit. Not in the spaces I’ve been previously, not in the ones I seek since.

I haven’t fit in anywhere for years. I’m not one of the boys. It’s been a long time since that felt comfortable for me.

I’m not one of the girls. I’m not usually included and unsure how welcome I am even when I am.

I’m something different. Somewhere outside either group. This is me. Do you see me?

..

If these concepts are something you’re unfamiliar with or is altogether new to you, welcome to the gender spectrum! I remember years ago, being unaware of gender being anything more than men and women. Since then though, in addition to lots of learning from literature and multimedia, I’ve had bosses, friends, crushes, and coworkers who identified outside of/beyond the gender binary.

For me, it is okay if you mess up my pronouns. Please ask me your questions and engage with me as you need and are interested. This hopefully makes it easier for you going forward and prepares you for the next gender diverse person in your life (and those already in your community). It also makes me feel much more comfortable. I would rather talk about my life with you and field your questions, instead of you awkwardly avoiding and acknowledging who I am.

For many, if you mistakenly use the wrong pronouns, simply apologize and then continue on. An excessive apology and overreaction is unnecessary and unhelpful. If you’re genuinely and authentically supportive, you work on it and make fewer and fewer mistakes with time. If you’ve known me my whole life, you’ve been using he and him for more than 35 years. All I ask for me is that people care enough to try learning. Because if you are in my life and with me in this life, see me fully as I am today, not for what you thought or what came before because it’s easier for you.

It’s an odd juxtaposition these days, feeling possibly more isolated than I have been from much of my community of people, while also feeling more authentically and completely me than maybe ever before. This brings me peace and that is enough for now.

..

[The movie The Devil Wears Prada was adapted to a musical, which I was able to see a few years ago. The cast- and costumes- were wonderful, though the overall product was mediocre. That said, Nigel's character sings a song about identity and growing up. I had never heard the song before and during the show, cried due to how much it resonated with me at this time in my life. Not the best quality but you can listen to "Seen." Let me know what you think and if you ultimately see the full show- I heard it went through more edits and updates!]

[eitherandor-blog]

The Boy in the Bubble

I don't understand what's going on in Israel and Palestine.

I used to say that as a way to excuse my ignorance to the conflict. This was easier than devoting the time to learn and listen. It was immature and myopic to not care enough to educate myself. Easy enough to do when I did not think it affected me and others in my world.

Even though that's no longer an excuse, today I would say I'm also confused. Still learning and ignorant about a lot. However, my confusion comes from a different vantage point.

I grew up with organized religion a part of my life. For me, it was being raised Catholic, a sect of the larger Christian faith. [Please do not embarrass me and ask that I compare and contrast Catholicism with other Christian denominations.] On a weekly basis, my family would go to church, then my sisters and I had catechism classes aka Sunday school. I would do this week in and out, not really sure what I believed or was learning.

What stuck with me, from its constant refrain mid-mass to the lessons and conversations in class afterward, was a theme of peace. It seemed that this was the example set by Jesus Christ, one that we should follow. I don't recall much and would never tout my knowledge of Christianity (then or now). That said, I feel fairly confident that living and acting with peace was a primary tenet.

...

While I did not keep Christianity in my life, I would have regular interaction with some other traditions and faiths. This has mostly concentrated on Judaism. As a kid growing up, I was fortunate to attend many bar and bat mitzvahs. Then a bit older when in college, I went to our local Hillel for Shabbat services and dinners on Friday nights, and joined their improv troupe. Celebrating the high holidays with family and friends has always been an annual invitation for me.

Islam is much less present in my life with even more for me to learn (and let me acknowledge, I have TONS to learn about Judaism too!). I have learned some things on Islam over the years from media coverage, readings, and personal testimony from many sources. From what I have learned and been exposed to, neither Judaism or Islam espouse violence. I don't know all the particulars and recognize that each organized religion has its denominations which expand the points of view. However in my religious encounters, for both Judaism and Islam (not to mention Christianity), they are at the core about unity, community, and faith.

It makes sense to me for people around the world to be transfixed on the devastation and death amounting in Israel and Palestine. What I cannot understand is how the conversation and angle is individually focused on one population and people. I see posts on social media where people remark the violent attacks against Israelis, but say nothing when civilian targets are bombarded and unarmed Palestinians are similarly murdered. Just as supporters of Palestine note the recurring, unending destruction of Palestine's infrastructure and people..but say nothing about the hostages taken and lives lost from Hamas and Palestinian militant groups.

I want a ceasefire. I believe in a two-state solution, acknowledging that the pathway to it seems currently unfathomable and is far more complicated than the outcome may imply. To me, this resolution is due to wanting peace for all sides and people. I think the firepower and backing of the Israeli military, and state overall, exponentially outnumber and dominate what Palestine has. I have a hard time personally using the term "genocide" knowing that Jewish people are hated if not hunted by parts of the world (and Jewish people compose much of Israel, though Judaism does not equal Israel). However, the havoc wreaked on infrastructure and human bodies has truly taken a toll. The numbers are unconscionable. For me the "genocide" label has shock factor, whether or not you accept it. It is the action and death toll that are longer lasting. If this is not an intentional elimination of a population, what is it? How can anyone justify what has happened and continues in the Gaza Strip?

My ideal conclusion though does not mean dissolution of the state of Israel or any wavering support of Jewish people, 'foreign and domestic.' I also would not want to elevate a confrontational and antisemitic rule in Palestine, if that is in fact the core of Hamas, or any government. I also believe in changes to the leadership in Israel that do not propagate fear or detest of Palestinians, whereby the forthcoming government officials acknowledge the harm caused. Palestine should do the same.

From what I read, it seems that there are biased leaders within each government, prejudiced and hating, some wanting annihilation of the other. Derogatory language and allusions to genocide are made by politicians from each region, not to mention select supporters. I don't think I am saying anything new but if people hate each other, the notion of peace and coexistence seems truly impossible.

I have spent some time working in violence prevention on a more local scale in the city of Chicago. One lesson learned- that was also part of our coaching and outreach workers ethos- is that violence begets more violence. That has plainly become a norm for Israel and Palestine too. What "started" on October 7th has heightened attention of this conflict while also bringing it home. Folks are derided for their viewpoints, some threatened for their identity or affiliation with one side or the other. While I want a separate and stable Palestine, that will never justify prejudice against Jewish people or wishing harm unto anyone even of a different side.

The people I know in the States who talk or write about their personal connection to what's happening in Gaza reference their allegiance to one side or the other, without room for any middle. Even though I am not a religious person, figuring out where I fit in the conflict, it makes total sense that folks draw on a shared experience or identity and align with those who possess the same belief system. But just as folks are buoyed in their beliefs, there are people of the same faith who find themselves on the other side of the issue..also because of their religion and spirituality.

There are organizations and individuals who state that because of their faith (in this case, Judaism), they are speaking out against the actions of Israel. Just as we see across religions, people interpret and practice their faith in varying ways. Is it possible Judaism and Islam can be used to promote peace? Can people of other faiths and those who do not practice one see the lives and losses for both Israel and Palestine, all at once? Emphatically we should all reject antisemitism and islamophobia. Why can't we want a home, a safe place, for Israelis and Palestinians?

I know as a white christian-raised person living in the US, there are particular privileges I hold specific to this war, and the conflict more broadly, that keep me safely in a bubble, immune and unexposed unless I seek to engage. What's become most troubling for how I access the topic is it seems impossible for people to talk in a comprehensive, nuanced way about what is happening, how folks feel, what it means, and how we can all find a peaceful resolution.

Perhaps it is because I am an extrovert or maybe it's the organizer and facilitator in me, but by nature, I strive to talk things out with people, even when we may not agree. As painful as the war is, I wish folks could talk about it more and people were open to talking about it with me. Not because I am an expert or want to debate anyone, but because (1) I learn more, (2) maybe the other person could learn something too, and (3) I believe we affirm our humanity when we connect and communicate even through difference.

I haven't said, written, or posted a lot about this topic because it feels like there is no space for a middle ground, no one interested in discussing the "gray" between the opposing sides and governments. Rather than post and perpetuate a half truth of just one side, I've generally refrained from providing anything public. That is an assumption on my part as I know my silence is perceived differently by some. Let me say clearly then that whether or not we agree, I hope if you're reading this, it won't be the last time we discuss the topic. Because I refuse to be secluded from the real world, all that affects YOU, and the many lived realities outside my own. I don't know what will resolve this conflict, but I am certain that not talking about it will never make things better. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

...

["The Boy in the Bubble" is the opening track on Graceland, an objectively- in my opinion :) - stellar album by Paul Simon. Give it a listen and try out the full CD if you haven't heard it already.]

[eitherandor-blog]

Another Try

I don't know what to say about Israel and Palestine.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, how to act, or what outcome I should be hoping for or working toward.

It feels wrong to be cheering or rooting for some incomplete resolution. Sure, a ceasefire sounds (dare I say) peaceful, however that merely means a "pause" on a historical and ever-present struggle for land, agency, and identity. People are dying, being killed in their homes and around neighborhoods, simply going about their days, unable to stay safe. A ceasefire seems ultimately ineffective not to mention impossible as things stand.

The climate is one filled with unending reports of violence, which is happening on both sides. Bombings of hospitals and refugee camps, taking civilian hostages, and incalculable devastation for all. I am not personally connected to this issue, so I say this with the distance my privilege allows: how can anyone condemn the killing of anyone, and then validate comparable violence be inflicted on another community, particularly where a vast array victims have been civilians?

Further, why does every media outlet or individual reference and mourn the loss of life on only one side of this war and ongoing conflict..with no mention of the folks killed on the other side of the equation? Regardless of your beliefs, I would hope there is consensus that too many folks from both/every side of this war have been impacted, harmed, and killed. Besides: Just because you have a "side" you support doesn't mean you can't ALSO be critically of what they may say or do. I know for me, it is those institutions, places, or relationships where we are most committed that we have the ethics and responsibility to also name when they err and hold them too accountable.

Confidently and wholeheartedly, I know this conflict consists of too much violence, loss of life, and hatred. The destruction of homes, hospitals, and any haven for civilians is not war- it's a massacre. I ache for the people- Israeli and Palestinian- who lost their lives and loved ones, and the countless others who are spending their days in fear of losing their own. Contrast this with much of the mainstream media I have read and the folks I have spoken to who think you must decide: be pro-Israel or pro-Palestine, no middle ground, no 'both/and.'

Why is it that many of the conservative wing in the US have embraced Israel in this moment and propagated racist tropes and Islamophobic language at Palestinians? Why if Israel is so set against the Hamas regime, are they not targeting them individually rather than the Palestinian people overall- including civilian targets- and using hate speech to label Palestinians? Why would Israel ever withhold food and other resources from Gaza- and any of its supporters accept that action?

On the other side, why are people who defend Palestine quiet on the loss of life in Israel? Why are these same individuals not speaking up for the Israeli hostages taken some weeks ago? Do they distinguish support of Palestinians and not their government or endorse all of it? Why would Palestine's future necessitate the dissolution of Israel- and what coded message does that communicate? Are they speaking up about antisemitism in general or bypassing that altogether as though it is antithetical to their pro-Palestine views? (hint: it's not)

Why do some countries recognize Hamas as a democratically-elected government and others view them as a terrorist group? Does this say more about the government or the observer?

I can abhor Hamas, who in its charter has antisemitic language and certainly enacted atrocities against Israelis. However that does not mean that every Palestinian shares these views. I may decry the prejudicial language and actions of the Israeli government..and still believe in and advocate for the people of Israel. All of this bluster and chaos underway is a moment in time of a very, very longstanding tension with complexity and numerous viewpoints. It seems that there ought to be recognition of the atrocities committed by both governments and a resolution somewhere in the middle, not one side over another. It won't be perfect and no one will get everything they desire. However, isn't peace and compromise worth the potential concessions one must make?

...

Although I am not aware of every detail, from what I understand and believe, I support the Palestinian desire for their own dedicated land. The current relationship (and omnipresence) of Israel is not working for many, conceivably on either side due to the havoc it engenders. The ability to contain a population and limit their travel and transportation of services is oppressive. There is a stark contrast in the resources and military aid available (thanks to the US government) between the two sides. Is this simply yet another illustration of colonizer-colonized dynamic or a reflection of how dire anti-semtism AND anti-Israel sentiment are in the region, and the world over, that the wealth of resources and safety precautions are deemed a necessity?

This does not however mean that I support any or every decision and action from Hamas. In turn, I think my feelings are predominantly critical of Israel because of the rhetoric, and politics, espoused by its leader Benjamin Netanyahu. I value the existence of Israel and safety of its people, just as I hope for a free Palestine. Though allowances would have to be made, there are resolutions where both sides have land, theoretically without the rampant bloodshed.

There is so much bigotry and hatred, not just in this war. Although the data from this situation is accumulating in realtime, violence against both Jews and Muslims seems to have escalated as a result of all the recent fighting. This isn't just an issue on the other side of the world either: There have been targeted acts and murders around our own country, of both Jews and Muslims, reminding us all of the Islamophobia and anti-semitism that permeate on all levels. Additionally, it illustrates once again the current polarization of politics in this country: there is no nuance, no middle ground, no opportunity for learning or dialogue.

Where does that leave them, us, and me? I don't see how things continue as they are, without both sides suffering inconceivable and irreversible damage and death, more than they have already, the further this prolongs. It also seems to be dividing folks stateside, rather than fostering space to talk about these issues in Israel and Gaza as we compare them to the ongoing racial challenges and religious sects in this country.

When viewed through the white supremacist and Christian-founded prominent culture of the US, both Jews and Muslims are in the minority. These are groups that are interpersonally, systemically, and institutionally ostracized and excluded from so much because of their faith. This war pits two socially marginalized groups against one another, allowing the privileged outsiders to continue their own oppressive tendencies. How many are using this conflict as an opportunity for white, Christian folks to act with impunity because attention is turned elsewhere? All the while, the existing powers are safe, operating as normal and only perpetuating their own oppressive behavior while infighting for Israel and Palestine hurts both, in infinite ways.

...

The killing by either side is reprehensible. In some ways, that should be the common denominator everyone is trying to end. I am sure there must be valid reasons why that is not the prevailing logic for all stakeholders immediately involved in the region and broader world.

I don't know what comes next, in the immediate as well as distant future. Sometime in graduate school, one lesson that I learned and have relied on in these moments is the simplicity and necessity of saying "I don't know" when I don't.

A few things I do know:

-Silence is not okay. Now that doesn't mean there is any one way to "speak up" but I/you/we do not get a pass for holding ideals of equality and equity if there isn't any action to accompany it.

-Excuse of "not understanding" this conflict when we have infinite resources available to learn is inexcusable. For so long, I have used the rationale that for ______ topic (because it persists beyond this instance), I did not know enough, and so would be passive and quiet. With how available information is, the decision not to be informed is a conscious one with real consequences.

-If people you know- or you yourself- view this war from one side only, what are you be missing? What is your bias permitting and preventing? How do I/you/we expand our lens to be not only more inclusive but accurate?

-Call out anti-semitism AND Islamophobia. You don't need to nor should you be picking a side of these isms. Both of these are terrible and harm people. Speaking out and against these phobias does not mean you either support the actions of the Israeli government or those of Hamas. In fact, this is a VERY important distinction to make, and doubly important to emphasize amid the war.

-No one (individually nor as a group) can exist independently. We are all here, stuck together, sharing the limited space, resources, and time we have at our disposal. Finding ways to exist- and dare I say dialogue- despite our differences of thought is essential for our collective wellbeing and survival.

Unless folks around the world, and locally, are good waiting until this ends in (more) catastrophic damage and death, focusing instead on repair and healing, some resolution, and rest would benefit them/us/all. Another try at peace is worth peacefully fighting for.

...

["Another Try" is a song from the latest album by the rock band HAIM, made up of three sisters. The little of have heard from them I've enjoyed. So alongside my own introduction to the group, you can check out the song below.]

[eitherandor-blog]

Church Girl

With a new year upon us (according to both the Lunar and Gregorian calendars), many folks spent recent weeks celebrating a mix of religious and cultural holidays.  It has been a long time since there was a religious presence to my Christmas celebrations but I know there are many Christians for whom this was and is a religious season.  As a fundamental element within our Bill of Rights, people are ‘free’ to practice the beliefs and faith of their choosing (even if that is no religion at all).  However, when those religions deprecate or discriminate against another identity, what happens then?  Let’s start at the beginning of religious liberty.

From the beginning, the United States Constitution has protected the free expression of religion as well as prohibited the creation of a national church.  James Madison believed that “The problem with religious beliefs was that most often people could not agree on them.  Governments therefore had no business supporting religion.”  So while our government does not explicitly align with or support one religion, the practices and policies of all religions are meant to be safeguarded.  

The concept of religious liberty is one that is incorporated into the 1st Amendment.  “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”  In this, the US Constitution has marked freedom of religion as fundamental and pivotal as other freedoms of speech, the press, and to peacefully assemble.  Over time, there have been instances where law or actions infringe on one religion’s practices.  In 1993, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (or “RFRA”) affirmed the 1st Amendment that Congress could not pass laws that would inhibit religious expression.

Even with it written into founding documents, nearly every religion (or in some cases, distinct denominations) has encountered discrimination.  Catholics were once persecuted, even being part of the “Christian majority,” now viewed as a group with relative privilege when considering religion.  The mistreatment of specific religions and beliefs occurs in the US and internationally, in 2023 and/or historically.  In recent years since 9/11- particularly under the prior administration- Muslims were dealing with constant bigotry and hate.  Their beliefs and religion need be protected, not because Muslims are in any way better or more important than any others.  It is instead because they are equal to other religious doctrines, all of which should be upheld and permitted by the US government (and I would add ‘culture’ but that is definitely not where we are quite yet as a nation).

Separation of church and state has always been a belief in the USA but is not enforced nor granted to everyone equally.  When the government has attempted to accentuate its distance to religion, select individuals have brought to court the alleged exclusion of religious institutions including religious schools and organizations.  This is not a view held by all religions nor all groups within these subgroups, though a helpful illustration that religious liberty functions differently for different folks and in some cases, entire faiths.

There is great diversity of religions in the US, which necessitates the protections in the founding of this country and subsequent corresponding legislation in the years that followed.  That diversity though is not evenly distributed as Christians roughly makeup 70% of the population.  December as one example becomes a “Christmas season,” even though there are many folks- religious and otherwise- who do not in fact observe Christmas.  There is of course a great spectrum of sects within Christianity- which again highlights the breadth of beliefs in the United States and elsewhere.

Some traditions prescribe dietary restrictions, either foods that cannot be eaten together or barred entirely.  There are religions that set standard times to pray, the number of times, and the direction to face when at prayer.  These are just a small sample of spiritual actions and behaviors enumerated in various religions.  These and others typically impact the individual person, without impressing their perspectives onto another who does not follow that faith.  However, we are also in a moment when there are increasing examples of people who, in adhering to their religion, dismiss or avoid another identity or population.

Cropping up in the US court rooms are cases regarding religious liberty.  In most instances, these are occasions where someone attests that because of their religion and belief system, they cannot perform a certain service or meet the needs of someone of a different identity group, an identity that their religion may not recognize or value.

One example that was spotlighted several years ago was Masterpiece Cakeshop vs. Colorado Civil Rights Commission.  In this instance, a Colorado baker refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple, citing he did not want to use his “talents to create something that went against [his] Christian faith.”  This was not the first nor last case where religion and religious liberty were used in such a way, most commonly with reference to Christianity and its values.

I’m not a theologian and I do not know the specifics of the Bible.  I grew up in Catholicism and attending catechism (classes for those learning about the religion), and will totally own that what I learned and have retained is limited. However what I thought was absolutely apparent was the loving, helping, and accepting example set by Jesus.  Provided my interpretation and recollection are accurate, that Jesus’s teaching was about inclusion and care for strangers and community alike, why is it that Christians are the ones who keep claiming “religious liberty” to limit their services or opportunities to those of a different identity or experience?  One way to articulate this is “Christian nationalism,” which is an abrupt deviation from the overarching intention of a religious freedom principle.  If we are interlocking any religious ideology- Christian or another faith- with government policy, we are no longer separating ‘church and state.’  

Further, in a country that alleges to embrace every creed, is that at the expense of other identities, experiences, and bodies?  How pious is someone who would rather a child in need of a family be kept in the child welfare state rather than be adopted into an LGBTQ+ family?  Or opting out of the public school system, setting independent and exclusive criteria, but then warranting the same funding?  Pushing any one religion above all else is no longer religious liberty, which does not mean promoting one religion above others.  It is religious superiority, which is apparently called Religiocentrism.  

These are just a few instances where this comes to a head.  We brand all of this in the name of “religious liberty” when what is occurring is religion-sanctioned prejudice.  So let’s be explicit about these beliefs.  People decide how to practice their religion for themselves, some more devoutly than others.  If you believe that your faith asks of you to deny services to a neighbor or treat a stranger poorly because these individuals differ from you in some way, I guess that is an understandable premise (even if I don’t agree with it).

However, then utilizing that to discriminate against somebody else and entire groups of people should not be a testament of one’s faith.  It illustrates instead a hierarchy you (and supposedly your religion) have instituted, and a justification to spread hatred and bigotry.  Additionally, if your belief or faith states that as part of “religious liberty,” the most important among its ideals are a license to oppress others, what does that indicate about your religious philosophy?

You may not agree with that rationale and I may have misinterpreted these Christian lessons.  I probably have!  This blog is not a denunciation of all things Christian or more broadly, anti-religion.  Rather, it is a request that religion never is elevated above our humanity.  These days I don’t identify as Christian or religious at all.  Which is kind of the point.  It’s totally fine if you do or align yourself with another faith or spiritual practice.  However, unless this supposed religion is a mandate of all people in the country and culture where you reside- a scary consideration- why would we allow people to lawfully discriminate against another because of their faith?  Maybe it’s just me but it seems there is something hypocritical and ironic to those dutiful followers of religions that are prejudiced against certain groups of people.  THAT is the belief system you have chosen, THAT is the one you have selected to orient your world, one where people who have a different identity and ideology from yours are inferior and okay to exclude.  In no way, time, or place should the government validate that view.  That isn’t church at all.

...

[For anyone unfamiliar with Renaissance, Beyonce’s latest album includes “Church Girl.”   As a nod to Bey as well as overlap with religion, this felt appropo.  It’s my favorite on the record so check it out- and the album in full- if you haven’t already listened.]

[eitherandor-blog]

Everything’s Alright

Sometimes it is hard to remember what it was like when (organized) religion was part of my life.  Growing up, we went to Catholic school and church most Sunday mornings.  Early on, this was easy to comply with: it was just our norm at home, instructed by parents, and adopted by us kids.  Growing up in a singing family, I had a musical connection at church- and maybe communal/spiritual one too.  I vaguely remember reading different verses, lessons that stood out from a homily after the gospel, and particular masses (especially an Easter Vigil or Christmas mass for whole families to enjoy).  

As I got a bit older, church was very much a musical, social, and community experience (makes sense if you know who I am now).  I played electric bass in the church band for some years, which I did with a friend and was always excited to perform (this is still me!).  In my middle school catechism classes, I had some of my closest friends in the room who I tried hard to entertain.  Sundays were fun and light-hearted..but rarely did this leave me thinking about faith, God, Christianity, or my belief system more broadly.

My Dad was not raised with a particular religion though my Mom was with Catholicism.  We began going to church as a family, then my sisters and I to our respective classes afterward, but this waned with time.  We finished our formal catechism however the engagement and commitment had dissipated.  I do not know if it was because only one of my parents identified with the faith, because growing children may not agree with the practices they are given, political differences with the Church, or some different reason altogether.  For a period, we would just go to the aforementioned major holiday masses and celebratory ceremonies for Easter and Christmas.  Then even that started to feel uncomfortable at least for me, going more out of habit than shared beliefs.

Religion came back into my life unexpectedly in college with Judaism.  Judaism wasn’t new to me as an eighteen year old: growing up in the Chicago suburbs, I went to many bar and bat mitvahs of classmates and celebrated high holidays with extended family members (my Dad is technically half Jewish though didn’t really get raised with any religion in his immediate family).   Among the first and closest friends I made at college were Jewish friends and later roommates.  

I was eager to learn more about the religion and their beliefs and spend time with them.  So most Friday nights my first years in college were spent at Hillel where I attended the reform services and then dined in Shabbat dinners (which were SUCH a luxury as a college student).  Coincidentally, I even joined the new improv group based out of Hillel for a few years.  I was fortunate to be invited to some of my friends’ family traditions and holidays as well during our undergraduate years.

After college, my proximity to Judaism lessened, though there are family friends who (prior to the pandemic) would include my family in their high holidays.  Each year, we typically celebrate Easter and Christmas, though that is more social and cultural than religious.  There are lots of other religions I am interested in and want to explore but have not yet pursued wholeheartedly more than occasional reading or educational events.

...

In my world today, religion comes up more often in my work than it does in my personal life.  It is determining how to advocate for a hospitable prayer room for students; navigating days-off and holidays for employees; understanding dietary restrictions for any (limited) in-person events.  

In the world today, religion leaves me thinking of microaggressions, ignorance, and outright violence.

[Note: I am aware that for many folks of a religious and/or spiritual practice, these topics come up personally and are regular sources of positivity.  My writing is not to denigrate religion or folks who are religious.  Nor do I think this is how everyone interacts with these themes or identities.  It is a reflection instead about how this comes up for me and responding to the climate overall.]

Over the last few weeks, any mention of religion that I hear or read about has been not about religion itself but concerning antisemitism.  In October alone, Ye (formerly Kanye West) has been in all the headlines, doing interviews, and on/off/on again social media for his blatant antisemitic beliefs.  If I’m tracking this correctly, first was reference to “White Lives Matter” (problematic itself and also  linked to antisemitism and white supremacy).  Then ovations that certain Black men were either controlled by Jews or were not as successful because they weren’t Jewish.  Next Ye discussed a love of Hitler and the Nazis and “going death con 3 on Jewish people.”  I am sure that’s not all, as there were other venues where similar comments were expressed that since were scrapped. 

From what began as insular ideas espoused by Ye now include athletes and sports settings.  People are re-sharing content that they may not understand while others stand by openly antisemitic messaging without apology nor accountability.

They are not alone.  Protestors last week went out on the 405 highway in Los Angeles to show support of Ye and then salute just as the Nazis would do, petitioning drivers by to “honk” in agreement.

Just as the former president communicated his views on and offline, people now think it is okay to openly believe and practice these ideologies of hate.  An observer or bystander thinks that open discrimination and hate crimes are encouraged rather than be forced to suppress their bigotry (note: neither is okay and this isn’t a binary).  As social media sites grapple with censorship vs. freedom of speech- with the curveball of new Twitter CEO Elon Musk added to the mix- these people in positions of power are using and creating platforms to propagate hate like Truth Social (by 45) and recently-purchased Parler (by Ye).

“Free speech” has become (for some) supposed license to speak candidly (read: hatefully) about a community or topic, without regard for repercussions.  That’s not accurate nor what the First Amendment intends.  Yes there are protections around much of what we say on and off line.  However, if the messaging incites violence, it can be challenged in court.  There are also limits to the lies one can weave, as illustrated by the guilty verdicts for Alex Jones and the massive debt he owes to Sandy Hook families.  Despite these plausible consequences, people’s prejudice continues, which requires attention to the faults of the larger systems and lack of accountability.

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For me this isn’t about Ye or any of these other individuals, even 45.  It’s about antisemitism which has been given yet another platform where it goes unchecked or permitted, or worst of all, encouraged.  Just last week we commemorated the four year anniversary of the Tree of Life massacre, where eleven individuals were killed in the deadliest attack on Jewish people in the US.  The Anti-Defamation League (or “ADL”) tracks “domestic instances of antisemitism, extremism and terrorism.”  The numbers have been elevated (to say the least) the past few years, coinciding with other hate crimes, and not coincidentally overlapping with the prior administration.  ADL recorded 2717 incidents in 2021- a figure that does not account for underreporting- which was an all-time high.  A segment on NPR I heard this week stated that some Jewish families are having their own version of “the talk” with their children, preparing them for the dangers they may regularly face simply for their identity.

In the United States, the original beliefs that were imposed and the country was founded on were Christian.  There are many denominations within Christianity- as is true with many religions- but the majority of them have their holidays recognized, beliefs supported, and places of worship prominent and available across the country, before now and to this day.

Because of my mixed experience with religion, it is really easy for religion to be a topic I stay away from.  I do not have a strong sense of spirituality in my life, though I respect those who do.  I grew up knowing one religion (loosely) and recognize I do not know a lot about many faith traditions now (including much of Christianity).  My belief system though is foundational and fundamental to me, which for lack of better phrasing or alignment with one religion is social justice.

The ability to practice, gather, and believe the faith of your choosing is all about diversity, equity, and inclusion.  Any infringement or prejudice against that religious spectrum is a social justice issue.  Antisemitism is sadly not a new form of bigotry in this country nor the world.  Microaggressions and macroaggressions plague Jews the world over.  We find ourselves however at a new juncture.

With where we are in the world, overt and unfiltered discrimination and violence against Jewish individuals, families, and communities is everywhere.  Like members of other faiths, Jews cannot safely go to synagogue without the looming threat of violence.  It feels too soon to make reference to the Holocaust and yet..what begins as individual hate speech against a community and identity become popular rhetoric among a larger sum and spawn violence and, and, and...educate yourself if you do not know the rest.

So what am I going to do about it- and what are you?  No, religion and spirituality are not part of my life but being silent cannot and should not be an option.  Nothing is okay in this scenario and that needs to be proclaimed without qualifications nor conditions.  We know it is dangerous to let these comments and actions go unchallenged because of what message it sends, know that unfettered hate does not ever beget peace.  I apologize for taking SO much time to “speak” up (or “write” in this case), but it is never too late to me to oppose what is wrong and always time to advocate for inclusion, safety, and diversity.

I miss the proximity I have had to religion, to Judaism, to faith.  My agnostic religious identity may never change- though I am open to that possibility.  What I know to be true though is that exposing ourselves to beliefs we may not hold or understand does not lead to hatred, it engenders acceptance, education, and community.  That ‘beloved community’ is the ideal, not homogeneity and religious exclusivism.

Religion isn’t the only place where the language and violence against communities has run rampant.  Caring about one community, be it your own or one that resonates with you, does not preclude you from involvement in another struggle; there is no hierarchy of oppressions after all.  If you are worried about your own but not the harm against another, how are you a bystander to the harm caused?  How are you tacitly condoning and complicit to whatever has ensued?  And how can you, in your sphere of influence, make clear what is and isn’t acceptable or permissible treatment of one another?

Check on the people in your life, those who are actively and culturally Jewish and those who identify as any religious minority in your community and context.  Expose yourself to what you don’t know and share knowledge when people act from a place of ignorance or confusion.  Call out antisemitism.

I’m worried and upset by the state and hate of the world.  Everything is not alright and I want the people in my (and our) world to be.  I hope we all do.

[This blog title is from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.  For the record, the name is ironic for this blog- perhaps it is in the musical too.  You can listen to the song here and when you have the time, check out the entire rock opera or see the show live!]

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A Love Like This

Being a parent involves- and requires- learning everyday.  The following list are lessons for me, in my home, and may be relevant for you too.  This is in part an effort to speak these into existence and hold myself accountable.  As I’m a lifelong learner, which I think is all parenting, more teaching is sure to come.

Bows aren’t for girls.  They’re for parents who need you to know their child is a girl.   No child has to wear them nor should any be barred from them.  I don’t like bows (really really don’t) because they feel like an overt gender marker by adults, but the same applies to clothing.  If your kid wants to include something in their wardrobe, let them.  No matter their gender nor what colors they want to wear.

Consent can be taught at any age.  It needs to be.  Loving on my children comes easily to me but that doesn’t mean it’s always wanted or should be on my terms.  Let’s be sure the young people in our lives learn this and we demand it from the adults too.  It can and should be part of how we interact with each other and how we interact with kids.

Being a parent is a political act.  People parent their politics.  This means every time you express a vow or view to your child, there are also those you fundamentally disagree with who are imparting hatred and bigotry unto theirs.  This also means that passivity in your parenting helps no one.

Children are loving first.  This can be really difficult as an adult but no less possible.  I think being a parent challenges me to treat people more lovingly.  

Kids can meltdown like it’s the end of the world.  They’re also more resilient than adults and often able to quickly recover (though many pout well too).  Embrace the many emotions they show as human.  I’ve tried to be more genuine with my emotions for myself and for my children.  I ask to better understand theirs and explain my own so I don’t assume they process what I am verbally and nonverbally communicating.

To that point, there are times where I get impatient or upset.  It can be SO hard to keep composed when a child (or anyone) is intentionally not listening to you!  What I always thought was infinite patience in my professional life gets challenged with my kids.   Sometimes, I don’t like how I respond to them.  When you mess up, be sure to apologize to your children.  Not if, but when.  It doesn’t mean they will forgive you or forget how you acted, and that cannot be the expectation.  They just deserve an apology and it’s your job as the adult to give them space to process.

I think parents always want the best for their children.  Some want more for theirs than for yours due to entitlement, greed, or privilege.  There’s a difference though from wishing good things for your kids and denying other children something because (you think) it elevates your own.  I truly want good things for my children.  I want that for yours too and try to parent that way so my children do not think they deserve anything unique or special.  They ARE unique and special, just as much as every other kid they know and see.

Life can and will continue to be stressful.  It can and should be fun at times too.  Relearning to play and taking time to laugh, dance, and sing isn’t always automatic for me but it brings joy to my family and relaxes my heart and soul.  When I stress about not getting to do all the things from my to-do list, I need to remember these playful moments are for me as well as my children, and just as important for me as they are for them.

Travel with snacks.  Adults like them too.

There are no easy days being a parent.  I am not sure there ever will be.  No nights where I wake up well rested with enough sleep on my terms, instead the days are often at the mercy of kid waking hours, moods, and needs.  I believe that parenting is a choice and how I parent is a choice too.  I think it also should be a choice if you want to be a parent because I do not think it is right or required for everyone to become or feel like an “adult” (whatever that means).

Since my first child was born, my life has changed in inconceivable ways.  [It’s funny how much preparation can go into becoming a parent and yet how woefully unprepared some of us are for what’s to come.]  Many of my relationships have shifted with people where I feel disconnected from them if they don’t have kids or a greater level of connection if they do.  How and what I prioritize is not what I thought or usually what I want.  My schedule is about the kids first.  Those are just a few ways things that have changed..but I am still me.  Parenting is part of my life and who I am, not my singular identity.  I am still a lonely extrovert looking for more time with friends and family.  I am opinionated and outspoken and political with much of my being.  I still like sports AND musical theater, feel most alive on the dance floor, and want to spend time in the future knitting and reading whenever I catch my breath.  Plus I’m a parent.  That trait is with me always now, and the kids are always always on my mind and part of the prism of how I see the world and operate.  But if you think I am an entirely different person, we probably are overdue to reconnect.  Looking forward to catching up.  You can expect to hear a little about my kids- but there’s much more to learn than that.

(This blog title comes from a song by the same by Ben Rector.  Though a littttle more mainstream now, you may have never heard of him but Ben Rector is one of my favorite singer-songwriters.  Check out “A Love Like This” here.)

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Quiet

As the first of three children born to my parents, there was always going to be lots of emotion with the many ‘firsts’ I and we experienced together.  The drama increased as there were some complications in delivery, and then concern with the umbilical chord wrapped around my neck.  After what I’m sure seemed like an eternity for my parents, my parents were able to take me home.  In time, there were two more babies born into my family.

Since that eventful beginning, I had many more medical appointments and doctor visits.  Among these were dental visits, braces and their colorful rubber bands, physicals, shots and vaccines, and many, many therapy sessions.  If I remember correctly, because I was a minor, these and many other appointments were initiated and decided by my parents.

Once I turned eighteen, I got to figure out to do this all my self.  This included less frequent visits to dentists, physicals (typically when required by my work), doctor appointments when my immune system couldn’t rid me of what was happening, physical therapy aplenty, and more counseling therapy sessions.  In these moments, I alone made the decision to get the medical attention I received, that I thought my mind and/or body needed.

That has been and continues to be the reality.  I am responsible for myself, my body, and my healthcare.  Sometimes I lag in taking care of myself or just make dumb decisions (like the lingering back injury I suffered a few years ago..) but these are mine and mine alone.  There are times that I consult my partner, parents, and others, seeking a second opinion.  However ultimately, even with medical expertise and additional contributions from my network of people, I have the final say on all things Christopher.  I have a voice and choice.

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I started this blog post a few years ago..and stopped.  I enjoy writing but it is something that can be all-consuming for me.  Part of my pause was due to the pandemic and life responsibilities pulling my time and energy elsewhere.  Then I wrote about other current events before getting to this, consciously or not.  I think it was also easy to shy away from talking about issues that seemingly do not personally affect me.  Not sure if those are mere excuses or leaning into my privilege as a cis white man [note: still figuring things out about my gender]. 

When I was a younger person, I did not understand biology or anatomy.  I’m not a scientist so I’m grateful for the medical people in my life and online resources to help when I have questions, because I still do.  Truthfully, there is still a lot I don’t get.  I have a general sense of my own body, know what feels good and doesn’t, and know what I enjoy receiving from others and what I don’t.  Without knowing the full spectrum of bodies and physical experiences, I know too that my body is different from some others.

Even as a child, somewhere in my maturation I learned that I would never be pregnant.  The concept was lost on me and did not emote any reaction at the time (positive or negative).  I knew I wanted to be a parent from an early age though I’m not sure I cared if I would be a biologic parent nor what would be involved (for me or another person) to actually get pregnant.  Sexual activity and intimacy with anyone did not happen in my life for a long time.  Similarly, most of the friends and family around me were not openly discussing these topics either, so pregnancy, abortion, and consent were limited to the occasional school lesson or exposure in media.  Limited to say the least.

The takeaway from all of this was that the human body- especially the “swimsuit area” - as well as sexual acts by myself or with others were not something to talk about.  It’s possible I was misinterpreting the cues from people around me but in general, this was not content to talk about openly with people- a message that I have still felt often as an adult.

There are a number of categories people are discouraged from talking about in public.  I remember being instructed in college not to talk about religion or politics when on a date and getting to know someone.  There was one memorable date where politics happened to come up and I spoke passionately about my beliefs.  I thought that the dinner date went well..and then was turned down for a second because they said their “beliefs are too important”  and different from my own.  Which is okay, not faulting or singling out this person.  

I feel like there has been a similar message communicated about abortion.  It’s not something we should talk about- regardless your viewpoint- as it is taboo and too “politically charged.”  But how do we avoid talking about something that is so common in our healthcare system and people’s livelihoods?  More than a month after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, I cannot stop thinking about reproductive justice.  I think I am in the minority who wants to talk through the ‘prickly’ points of life, externally process my trauma and others, or listen as someone emotes what they have endured or are their passions.  This includes hearing the ups and downs of pregnancy, attempts to be pregnant that don’t result in a baby, as well as decisions to end a pregnancy.

When it comes to pregnancy and abortion, I definitely seek to listen first (if not only listen rather than speak).  My experience as a (mostly) cis-het-man means that my interaction with pregnancy is always removed from the experience of a pregnant person.  So when I learned the critique of too many [cis] men making decisions about [cis] women’s bodies, I joined their chorus.  How could someone like me dictate what a person with a different gender or sex should be doing with their body?  Why should I- or any cis men- mandate that this person continue a pregnancy that they do not desire?

There’s a lot I agree with in this philosophy.  I learned a long time ago to de-center whiteness and strive not to make the community work I do about me.  Instead my training and re-education taught me to “meet the community where they are at” and show up ready to listen first and act later after being informed by the folks doing the work and follow their lead.  These are all good things.

Except what can get muddled in this is what becomes of my voice, my accountability, my agency.  Is it appropriate or helpful to have people of my identities silent, inactive, and passive?  Conflict and tension in the abortion debate will continue for quite some time (in no small part due to the white supremacist and patriarchal origins of and leadership in the country).  If I am merely an observer, I cannot be an accomplice, cannot effectively advocate for change, and cannot be invested in the wellbeing, autonomy, and rights of people with different bodies- and truthfully, rights- than my own.  

This does not mean I should be misinformed and speak without first consulting the wisdom of those who experience pregnancy and abortion personally.  It does not mean that I will ever have all the answers or fully grasp what it means to have these rights of one’s body subject to change at the whim of a political party or partisan court.  I cannot forget my privileges.  Nor do I need to take up space with my voice and presence if it prevents others from being seen and heard.

What is required though is involvement.  I am capable and willing to have these difficult conversations even if the environment is not tailored to it.  The message to first listen is still my method and I believe should be for all cis men.  However, what should be amended to this directive is to listen first, with reflective and incisive actions to follow.  It is vitally important that active listening precede any action I take- but that doesn’t mean action should be optional.

There are talking points folks will use to either encourage or discourage participation on a given issue.  I never liked the logic that because someone has a friend who is a person of color they cannot be racist.  Or the notion that people will only care about an issue if they are related to someone it affects: “what if it was your mother, your child,” etc.  Couldn’t we spin that in every direction: “what if it was you/your partner who needed an abortion and couldn’t receive one”?

When the argument and rationale are purely hypothetical, we have strayed from the people and human side of the conversation.  Our threshold for validating humanity, without question or ulterior motive, is incredibly low.  We all should care about each other and be invested in issues that affect one another simple because people are impacted.  Regarding the health, the life, the happiness of all those in the world- not just the people in our (COVID) bubbles.  

In contemplating action and our shared humanity, there is SO much more we can individually and collective be doing.  This writing has been a call to action for cis-het-men however these actions are possible and recommended for folks of all genders and identities.  This is not exhaustive but a place to place your energy and thoughts more constructively than limited to your bubble:

Have the tough conversations.  There may be some exceptions but I cannot think of a time change and equity occurred from avoiding the topic and being silent.  Not saying it is ever easy or is the right path for YOU.  If you are looking for how to talk about abortion, this mini-guide will hopefully help you get started: https://www.aclu.org/news/reproductive-freedom/your-mini-guide-to-discussing-abortion-rights-at-the-dinner-table

Support an abortion fund near you.  No matter what proximity you are to people who may get pregnant and want abortions, there are numerous abortion funds out there.  For anyone around Illinois, here are some where you can donate: https://www.aclu-il.org/en/support-abortion-funds. 

Share your abortion story.  Depending on your lived experience, abortion may loom largely in your life and maybe not.  One of the most challenging parts of abortion is how it is stigmatized.  So articulate your story and make space to listen to those from others.  You may not have had or physically ever need to have an abortion yourself, but that is also a story to share.

Challenge Patriarchy.  Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think the abortion discussion has anything to do with (cis) women or “unborn” children.  This is about (cis het) men, power, and control.   

Be a volunteer/driver/other accomplice.  The abortion itself is a medical procedure that requires training and care, however it is not the only chance to be involved and assist in a person’s abortion story.  Particularly in our partisan age and increasing obstacles, you can assist in ways big and small (in addition to the referenced financial support).  If you want to do more, do more.

Conversely if you are someone who is against abortion and identify as “pro life,” what actions are you taking to support people who may become pregnant or consider an abortion?  Because if all you do is try to force a pregnant person to keep a pregnancy and focus on their fetus rather than their wellbeing, that is not helpful, healthy, or humanizing.

As I have said before and will articulate again, abortion, pregnancy, and reproductive rights are not *just* a women’s issue.  Not to mention are they an issue for *all* women!  The advocacy of an unborn child and erasure of trans* lives is counterproductive: wishing for the life to come and denigrating the life that is present.  My writing here is not meant to dismiss the many people who can become pregnant that do not identify as cis women.  Instead it is to talk about how cis men can and should engage with this topic.

I cannot say I have spoken about it with too many other men- or people of any identity- but I wish I could have had the option to be pregnant.  Let me be clear: I recognize the infinite things I don’t know about pregnancy and for many, it is not something they would choose to be or do.  For me, there is a little heartache that I could not and will not every physically be carrying a baby.  That is less about choice for me and more to do with anatomy.  I also know that living in our patriarchy, there are so many privileges I enjoy and obstacles I avoid because I am a cis man who does not have to worry about my rights, options, or reproductive justice in the way those who can get pregnant do.  This is not lost on me.  If my body and life were different and I ever needed to get an abortion, I know I would not wait for someone’s permission to do what I needed to do for my body, my family, and my livelihood.  

My abortion story is a mirage.  Of dreams and nightmares, visions of a body different than my own and experiences I’ll never have.  I don’t really have an abortion story to share (1) because my body will never need one, and (2) it isn’t my story to share the bodies I know who have.  That is the case for other cisgender men: abortions are not something our bodies will ever decide or have.

To those same men, I implore you to consider your responsibility, your presence, and your livelihood in this moment in our world.  If you identify as “pro life,” I would LOVE to talk more about this with you, in hopes that we can further our friendship, talk across difference, and find at least some common ground.  If you identify as “pro choice,” I would love to talk to you too.  Because the issue of abortion, of choice, and bodily autonomy is not one we should shame or stigmatize because it is ubiquitous in our world.  Silence will not make abortions safer or reinstate rights that should never have been questioned in the first place.  

Do not shy away from this topic, no matter your politics, and strive instead to understand the full landscape of reproductive rights.  Contrary to how you were probably taught, listen first - not just on abortion - because we have lots of folks (women included) who are not waiting for men to save democracy and our world.  That being said, there are actions we can take to contribute to this cause.  Listening to and learning from others is not helpful if you remain passive in the face of violence and ridicule against pregnant people and those who may become pregnant.  For me I can promise you, I will not be quiet. 

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[This blog is named after the song “Quiet” by MILCK.  I learned this from a Tiny Desk concert and every time I hear it am brought to tears.  It is a powerhouse song that unearths something emotional for me each time.  “Quiet” was an anthem for many during the Women’s March events of recent years.  I hope you enjoy listening and have your own experience with the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl_Qfj8780M.]

[eitherandor-blog]

She Used to be Mine

The last week has been filled with numerous Supreme Court decisions.  Depending on your identities, personal beliefs, and political affiliations these have vacillated between validating to alarming- and possibly a mix of both depending on the case.  At the moment, I still am chewing on the Court’s reversal of Roe v. Wade, undoing what had existed for 50 years, and instead determining that there is (or was) no constitutional right to abortion.

Based on the text, I am certain that the authors of the US Constitution in 1787 were not thinking about abortion in their era.  Or the rights of women.  Nor the competency and equality of anyone other than cisgender white men.  We know that they did not view all people as fully human, as entitled to the same rights or property as their white governing body of men.  Although there is a lot to love about the origin story and creation of the United States of America, there is a lot of filth, violence, and trauma baked into it too.  A few centuries have passed and ideally views have evolved since that time.  So I am not sure that there is any validity to what the delegates intended or signed at the time.  If THAT is what your legal, judicial, or political philosophy hangs on- the writings of this limited and outdated contingent- we may need to talk about that separately.  

One thing that did come out of these original founding documents was the separation of church and state.  Predominantly none of the “founding fathers” were religious but identified as agnostic!  Churchgoing for them was a social, networking affair (which I experienced myself in my final years going to church but that’s not what this is all about).  In our essential 1st Amendment, included within it is the freedom of religion..yet somehow we are now tying decisions throughout the country to a set religious doctrine and belief system.

The court decision was not made with women in mind.  And to be clear, anyone who limits all things “abortion” to women only is erasing the trans*, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming folks who can get pregnant from reproductive healthcare and autonomy (not to mention lumping in all women even though some women cannot).  ‘ People who can get pregnant’ is not the same as saying ‘women.’  Not all people who can get pregnant identify as women, not all people who have children identify as women, and not all people- women, trans*, gender-nonconforming- want to be pregnant. Because if this decision was made with people who can get pregnant in mind, there would not be millions of them horrified by this decision and its impact on their personal lives.  Instead it was made for these people who can get pregnant and prioritized unborn children/fetuses/fertilized embryos over the people who can get pregnant.

Confession: I have no clue when life begins.  I know different faith traditions will offer a range of perspectives and medical professionals who too might give an array of answers.  Maybe I am wrong but I do not think anyone definitively knows; it has more to do with your spiritual, medical, and personal views on the matter.  Personally, I do not think when life begins has any affect on reproductive rights and abortion access for those who can get pregnant.

This is instead about personal agency and bodily autonomy.  I have been in close proximity to many possibly-pregnant people.  Included in this group are people who got pregnant but did not want to be, people who wanted to be pregnant but couldn’t be, those who got pregnant and delivered a baby, those who got pregnant and had a miscarriage, those who got pregnant and had an abortion.  All of these experiences are an immense physical and emotional journey, whatever follows, and should be about more than the fate of the future baby.

Besides if that was the focal point, that child-to-be, these same people would be the ones addressing gun violence and limiting gun rights.  They would care about the detrimental environmental impact of major corporations on those with health risks- which prominently features pregnant folks and young children.  Their energy would be advocating for youth in the foster care and adoption programs, rethinking the expensive child-care and pre-K industry, and undoing the too early school-to-prison-pipeline that disproportionately affects children and youth from Black and Brown communities.

If these folks instead were worried about “women,” they would be noting the shortcomings of Title IX; furthering the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA); petitioning for pay equity.  If they recognized all women [not just cisgender white women], they would not overlook the violence against transwomen, particularly transwomen of color or how we make menstrual products and contraception more affordable.  Going through a pregnancy- whether or not you raise the child yourself- is a tremendous burden and endeavor.  Not every pregnant person can afford to do it, has community to experience it, or may want to go through with it.  And it is possible to change your mind based on personal reflection and/or when confronted with the reality you may face going through with said pregnancy.  

For those who do want to and can be pregnant: DO IT!  Have babies and do it more than once if you still think it is so special.  You can even adopt and foster the children others deliver.  Or be a surrogate for parents-to-be who need that support.  Those are choices you should feel empowered to make for you.

Instead of being pro-pregnant people, what these “pro-life” people have done instead is tell the people who have a uterus and could be pregnant: your experience, your sexuality, your personal choices are less important than that of the possible child you are carrying.

Not all women can get pregnant, not all women want to get pregnant, and not all people who are pregnant are women.  Maya Angelou penned “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.”  If people are promoting an anti-abortion pedagogy, they can label themselves however they wish: feminist, pro-life, pro-women.  I would counter that your actions and words are not lining up.  If you do not realize that, there are a few million people or prose I can refer you to.

Being a (cis)woman is distinct from being a pregnant person, delivering a child, and being a mother.  Some individuals hold all of these characteristics, some hold one or two but not others, and some do not hold any of them at all.  Equality and equity for all women- as well as all pregnant people- does not require that they get pregnant.  It means that IF they get pregnant and want to continue with said pregnancy, they are not discriminated against because of that choice and experience.  There is no conceivable way that you can justify equality by saying what someone is forced to do.  Just as consent cannot be given under duress, power, or manipulation, neither can one be empowered, independent, and free if they are limited by the power you, the state, and the government impress on them.

In the history of the Supreme Court and the judicial system at large, the bench doesn’t usually go against past precedent.  With stare decisis, justices are supposed to adhere to prior decisions and they typically do.  In the past, when the court overturned past precedent, it had been to expand a right.  A few seminal examples include Brown vs. the Board of Education overturning Plessy vs. Ferguson to “end” racial segregation (according to the court though that was and has not been the lived reality around the country).  Here we have the Supreme Court rescinding a right a previous compilation of the court had assigned, granting pregnant people the right to choose to have an abortion.  Because no one was ever required to have one.  They were just given the right of their own body to make their own decisions about their healthcare based on their own experiences and circumstances.  That is equity and inclusion.  Anything less than that is not pro the lives or the choices of pregnant people.

...

[There is much more to say and to write.  Not to lose everything that came in this decision, Justice Clarence Thomas in his concurrence posed returning to the substantive due process precedent, namely the rights to same sex intimacy, same sex marriage, and contraception.  My reflections are also personal about my own identity- needless to say, more writing will follow.]

...

“She Used to Be Mine” is a song written by Sara Bareilles from the musical Waitress.  The show is based on a movie of the same name where a woman in an abusive marriage gets pregnant and all that follows.  Without giving anything away, the protagonist Jenna makes the decision that is right for her, weighing it’s gravity and challenged by what to do.  You can listen to the song here.  I also recommend the movie and musical if you are interested and able to see them!

[eitherandor-blog]

They Say

I do not know about you but I cannot stop thinking about what happened in Uvalde, Texas.  Yes, it has only been a few days and just happened.  Yes, details and deaths are still forthcoming from the shooting and about the shooter.  However, I do not know what the capacity is to witness, read, and absorb these levels of violence.

Some of what I feel is because the majority of victims were students attending their elementary school.  Mere children who were supposed to finish their school year later this week.  Children who were looking forward to moving onto middle school, to summer, to the rest of their lives.  Teachers too were among those killed.  People who had committed their professional lives to educating and encouraging young minds and personalities to grow.  Their respective families have been reduced exponentially by this tragedy and the loss of their loved ones.  The community which is apparently small and close-knit, has been ravaged by this deadly shooting.  Maybe we all are in some way.

As a parent and guardian, many things have changed in my life.  Almost everything (film, music, even anecdotes) that references and revolves around children affects me deeply.  It does not take much on these topics for me to be rendered a puddle when thinking about the many (MANY) emotions of being a parent, having a child, and seeing little people grow in your life.  Although my child is far from the age of those killed at Robb Elementary, this shooting has personally connected with me.

Perhaps that is due to my identity and privileged existence: I have not known the personal impact of gun violence and only connect with this from the distant experience as a parent.  Guns and violence are things I am more exposed to from TV and film than my everyday.  In my last job, in violence prevention, the majority of the staff I worked with and young people we engaged had firsthand experience with guns.  Whether they had a gun personally, had been shot or shot at, or lost someone to gun violence, it was commonplace for them.  We even had a coworker killed in a domestic incident with their family.  Emotional as it was, the prevalence of guns and gun violence wasn’t all that surprising to my teammates.  This was and still is otherworldly to me.

Within my world, there are people I know who own guns.  Some have a firearm they are assigned to as part of their day jobs.  Others are select friends and family who are interested in hunting.  There may be others who I know who have these weapons for other reasons too.  Me personally?  I have not held a gun and will be content to never touch one in my life.  Whether or not I have a “right” to one, it is not something I ever hope to utilize or require.

I remember that years ago, I learned the US Constitution basics and Bill of Rights.  The Right to Bare Arms was hard for me to comprehend, partially because of the odd wording.   Mostly though because living in suburban Chicago, I did not know what I or my family needed a gun and protection for or from.  (Note: My white and class privilege is showing again even though this was my truth and ignorance growing up!)

Nowadays though, what I keep learning about are active shooter drills.  My career has been filled with transitions and yet in every job, there is discussion about what to do in the event of a shooter.  These have been schools and youth nonprofits- as opposed to some other sector that generally uses firearms- but still we must all be prepared for this possible emergency.  It is another of the many onboarding tutorials staff sit through.  How is it possible that I have become so desensitized to violence that shooting in what is an otherwise peaceful profession is just another training bundled with benefits, payroll, and more that we new employees sit through?  The same thing happens in schools and may be occurring in places of worship and other sites and businesses.

If people think guns are important and some part of the founding of this country, I’ll accept that (not something I agree with or respect but let’s move on).  I will accept that you want to hunt or protect your home, though I think I can hunt for great produce and protect my home by building community with my neighbors (but I digress).  But why or how has the topic of guns become a binary?  

Some questions I cannot answer and truly want to understand: 

-Can’t you own a gun AND want other people that have them to respect the power they wield?  

-Isn’t it a lot easier to protect your home and family if you are not threatened by others raining down on you with semi-automatic weapons?  

-So you want to have a gun- great!  Why do you need a gun, in your home or to hunt an animal that preys on grass and flowers, that was made for war?  Can we agree that semi-automatics and extended magazines should not be available?

-Why do you have a problem with universal background checks?

-I have had developmental stages where I was consumed with video games, running, collecting CDs (which I still do), football, and many more.   Why is it that guns happen to be your “thing”?  Are you open to exploring some other hobby- anything- that does not pose a fatal risk to you and everyone around you?

Anyone is welcome to answer these or add to the list.  I genuinely want to learn.

...

The references to Sandy Hook Elementary School remind me of how much has transpired in ten years time.  There was Emanuel AME church, Pulse, Tree of Life synagogue- most of which feel like they only happened a year or two to go (COVID isn’t helping with the passage of time).  And these are a FRACTION of the mass shootings that have occurred in recent years.  It is hard to keep track of when we have all been surrounded by them all the time.  Which is to say nothing of the “small” shootings where fewer than four people (what defines a mass shooting) are shot and killed but also embedded into the everyday part of living in this country.  My “go-to” source for information, Wikipedia has a list which although it may not be definitive, gives a glimpse into the scope of mass shootings recorded recently in this country.

Which is the thing: this is unique to us in the US.  Many other countries have their fill of issues but guns and gun violence, to this degree, are not among them.  We have more guns than people in this country (and with a population > 330M, that’s a lot) and substantially more gun owners than any other country.  Considering those are just what are known and registered (and separate from military weaponry), the true numbers may balloon when viewing the full landscape of guns (legally and illegally obtained) throughout the country.  

Other countries have had issues with gun violence.  However they reign it in- usually in response to one mass shooting- outlawing guns, making them far less accessible, or simply in prioritizing people above them.  I know there is money all over our political system and the NRA is no exception lobbying to maintain gun rights and teach gun safety.  

Even so, there are individual actors, people, who are making decisions that are not in the best interests of their constituents and communities time and again.  There are also plenty of individuals around the country who support the free range policies that abound around our guns.

There is an eerie truth about who the shooters are.  Disproportionately, well over 90% of the time, the shooters of these events identify as men.  Maybe we just need to ban cis men and boys from owning guns(!). The most recent examples in Uvalde and Buffalo were committed by 18 year olds.  I do not know how anyone can inflict these levels of harm on others but that seems like a detail we should pay attention to and correct.  Teenagers killing others is a red flag if I ever saw one- and they are too often among those pulling the trigger.

Which means we have to double down and do more.  Reach out to your politicians and representatives to guarantee they are listening and taking this seriously.  More than that though, reach out to the people in your life.  Whether or not they have a gun themselves, there are millions of people in this country who either value gun rights above all else or value other things more but vote for the politicians who support gun rights all the same.  Because if the majority of voters, all voters, said they cared about gun reform with their words and by their votes, we would have different politicians and different policies.

Those policies are not demanding we have more officers in schools or armed teachers.  When we as a country are still trying to figure out the inequity and injustice among our law enforcement, this does not seem practical.  Arming teachers..so that every school room has a gun?  So when a classroom is unruly there is a lethal weapon to threaten or that a student can easily acquire?  From what we are learning and trying to process: it took over an hour for on-site law enforcement to enter the classroom in Uvalde.  This is perplexing and should be an indication that having more armed adults is not a solution to the violence.

There are the beliefs that it is simply about mental health.  Among the unending list of shooters and mass shootings, there are a spectrum of perpetrators.  Some have mental health diagnoses and others do not.  The research and data indicate that mental health statistics are not grossly more in the US than any other country, so hard to imagine this being the culprit.  It is worth noting that Governor Abbott thinks the mental health is what should be prioritized one month after cutting more than $200M to the state department that presides over mental health programs.  It’s important now: what about for every other shooting?  Mental health programming is underfunded, possibly everywhere in the world, and will be beneficial to be better prioritized (and necessary in Uvalde and all schools going forward).  That should always be the case instead of a reflexive response to shootings that have nothing to do with mental health.

We need to redefine what sets the USA apart from other countries.  We used to talk like the “American Dream” existed for all people living here, but I think time has proven that a myth and opportunity for the privileged few.  For a country that has already had more mass shootings than days in the year, I think it is pretty clear what the country believes and supports.  None of that is something I accept, am good with, or will continue to endure.  They can say whatever they want.  I’m done talking.

(This blog title “They Say” comes after a song of the same name by Raye Zaragoza.  I learned about Raye from her Tiny Desk concert here.  You can listen to the song and several others in the performance.)

[eitherandor-blog]

Don’t Judge Me

I have always been a social person and an extrovert.  Even though I had no clue what I wanted to do in my career or what to study at college, I knew that people fascinated me, so early on I identified Sociology as my major.  [Later on I would add Afro-American Studies as a second major which became far more significant for me personally and professionally, though that is tangential to this post.]  From my interest in people and desire for interactive classes over not lectures, I stumbled upon an intergroup dialogue program.  

These classes centered a social identity or topic and intentionally split the participants along lines of difference so that it was (ideally) balanced.  For example, dialogue classes on gender- which were limited to a man/woman binary- were composed of half men and half women students.  They were led by your fellow students who were trained on facilitation and represented the different groups participating in the class.  In this example, that would be one man and one woman student facilitator.  

My experience with the program was complicated and like most things, I have grown more reflective and critical with time.  However, there is no denying how these classes pushed my thinking and exposure to people and perspectives different than my own.  After I persisted in the coursework and was trained as a facilitator, I later co-led several classes as well.  This taught me a lot: how to respect differences of opinion, how to engage with someone of another viewpoint, and how to see the many sides of an issue beyond my own limited lens.  When I witness the fragmented and polarized way our political parties in the US interact (or fail to), I think back on these dialogue courses.  

Being unemployed the last few months has granted me ample time to spend during the week day as I see fit.  Although I have been interested in the nominations in the past, this was the first time I was able to listen substantially to the Senate Judiciary Committee reviewing a nomination to the Supreme Court.  This case was with Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, nominated as the first Black woman to the position.  It is no surprise that as a nominee of Democratic President Joe Biden there were Democratic Senators who were more accepting and supportive to Judge Jackson, whereas Republican Senators were less open-minded and more aggressive with their respective question time.

Knowing the lifetime appointment to the federal court and limited number of seats, this is surely a matter to take seriously.  Spots do not become available all that often and even when they do, it requires Senate majority (or a tie-breaking vote from the vice president) to confirm a nominee to the Court.  This is a numbers game as a president must rely on support from their party and preferably at least some from the other.  Once upon a time, judges were validated by members of both parties and the overwhelming majority of the Senate.  Ruth Bader Ginsburg was elected with a vote of 96-3 as one example.  Even Amy Coney Barrett who was a fast-tracked nominee before the 2020 presidential election was elected with a few votes to spare, as several Democrats joined the Republican consensus to confirm her as a justice.

It is understandable that both major parties in our system would hold these as commodities to cherish, either to work expeditiously to fill with their selected candidate or to impede the chosen person from the opposing party.  That said, if the Supreme Court is to be a composite of qualified judges and integral to our checks and balances system, it cannot fall prey to the same partisan rhetoric rampant in Congress and the general population.  Instead, these individuals should be indisputably qualified and agreed upon by both parties.

This does not mean that every politician- nor the President who nominates them- will agree with their every decision.  That seems impossible and it also should not be the goal.  There has been waning belief in the Supreme Court (perhaps in part to the failed bid to elect Merrick Garland and then the addition of Judge Barrett 38 days before the 2020 presidential election) to be objective and impartial on their cases, viewed by some as blanket supporters of one party or the other.  I certainly have my concerns on its objectivity.

So the politics loom large.  Unfortunately, that is what has dominated the process in recent editions.  I did not have the opportunity (for better or worse) to avidly view the judiciary committee with then-nominee Amy Coney Barrett however I did with Ketanji Brown Jackson.  Of course there were members of the committee who asked discerning and illuminating questions of the nominee. There were select Democrats who praised Judge Jackson, some who seemingly had zero questions and used their time instead as validation of her credentials and historic nomination.  Then there were Republicans who were a bit more problematic.

Their focus began with Judge Jackson’s prior representation of Guantanamo Bay detainees and language used against the US.  She clarified that any language in a court document was not hers but that of her client and that as a lawyer and public defender, her commitment was to her client irrespective of her personal view.  A few Republicans also fixated on her perceived lenient decisions on cases of child pornography.  What was lacking from their attacks was that her sentencing was based not merely on the alleged (horrific) crimes but also informed by probation recommendations and other facts of the case.  She stated this for them on several occasions however it was not heard by most. None of it mattered as some painted her as soft on crime- particularly in grisly instances of child pornography.

The last critique I read about and heard was that she was too liberal, that she would be an “activist” judge.  Nothing in her record seemed to indicate that was a reasonable fear nor that she made her judgements on her personal politics rather than interpretation of law.  What she does bring is the professional experience as a public defender- the first such person to the US Supreme Court- and the instrumental lived experience as a Black woman- also the first such person to the court.

No one openly doubted her ability or qualification.  And to think, I thought THAT was what they were evaluating!  Which means one of two things (or both) are happening: the opponents of Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson are trying to get political points opposing her nomination or their bigotry against a Black woman (what we can label as “misogynoir”) is showing and determining their vote.  Two men have been nominated and confirmed to the US Supreme Court with in-depth sexual assault allegations- but a Black woman is contested and approved at a similar margin because..she was a public defender?  She was a judge who reviewed the entire case?  Or perhaps because she is both Black and a woman.  Even though she was unequivocally identified as an incredibly qualified nominee, either because of the party who nominated her or the identities she holds, there were politicians who thought she should not be the first Black woman nominated to the court.  But 108 white men of a possible 115 on the federal court before her are an acceptable number.

The math is complete and outcome determined.  With a few votes from Republican Senators and all of the Democrats, we can confidently state that Judge Jackson has been elected to the Supreme Court.  She will succeed Justice Stephen Breyer at the end of the term later this year.  This has been and needs to be celebrated and noted- and the floor rather than the ceiling.

We have learned across the arc of history (which endures to this day) the importance of representation.  This is true across our systems of government and who is included in the Supreme Court.  Too long has it been a group of my fellow white men with little to any other diversity save for which Ivy League school a justice earned their JD.  Here’s the thing though: I’m not sure that our system currently lends itself to a representative mix of politicians, presidents, and judges.  Well I think it’s safe to say THAT is not a major revelation.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson is truly qualified and vetted- and that should be what Congress is voting on.  There were a few tantrums and poor behavior among Republicans who did not support her nomination and voted against it.  During the last administration, there may have also been Democratic Senators that behaved just as terribly, I don’t know.  Maybe we are past the point where we should trust a president and/or the Senate to select these judges.  

With what just transpired, who knows what it will take to successfully confirm the next judge.  If President Biden gets another seat to fill, it appears questionable at best that they would garner sufficient votes.  Especially if the Senate flips later this year, a seat may lie vacant.  And if another president comes/returns in 2024 with a different makeup of the Senate, will the court be packed with members of one party or one party who nominated them?  How is that for supreme justice?

The docket for the Supreme Court is not going to be light with where we are politically as a nation.  As anti-gay and transphobic policies as well as anti-abortion laws proliferate around the country, there are major matters for this group to consider.  These are just those top of mind for me and likely a fraction of the cases that will follow.  I do not pretend to understand all the nuance of the law nor of the Supreme Court selection process.  However, there is no way that the people and the process by which the nine currently on the bench (and ten with Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson waiting) is what is best for we the people. 

Hold on.  What if these judges were voted on by we the people?  [And by “all,” I in fact mean all people in this country: no matter incarceration or immigration status, 18 and up.]  What if there were quotas to ensure there was some semblance of adequate equitable representation of all people across the country?  When the process has held up or inhibited desirable candidates from being confirmed or denigrated them throughout the process, is that really the best we can do?  Judge Brown Jackson deserved better and deserves better going forward.  Perhaps the judgement should be redirected unto the politicians who use moments like these not to represent their constituents or bolster faith in our processes, but alternatively for a chance in the spotlight to plot their next moves.  

Judgement is not just for those who sit, hold a gavel, and read a verdict.  Judgement is also how we vote, what we purchase, and who we support.  Let us not overlook this right and duty, ensuring that immature, unprofessional, and biased politicians will not be the only ones adjudicating the fate of our society.

(This latest post is named after a song from the Dirty Computer album by Janelle Monae by the same name, “Don’t Judge Me.”  You can check out the song here.  I would also encourage you to get the whole album if you haven’t already- it’s one of my favorites.)

[eitherandor-blog]

Just Kids

There has been a lot going on in the world.  Always true of course though it feels like an influx of negative news (including that the pandemic is not over yet).  More writing from me on some of those items may come soon but recently and urgently, I am consumed and concerned with the sweeping anti-trans and homophobic legislation across the country.  You may have heard about the "Don't say gay" bill in Florida and the Texas law that considers gender-affirming services for youth child abuse.  Sadly these are just two instances among a larger pool of policies around the country.  [Many are listed in the link below - thank you Anti-Racism Daily!] 

Based on some of my other posts, you may have heard or noticed that I became a parent during this pandemic.  Part of our nighttime routine is reading a book before bed.  One night last week, I picked "I am Jazz" about TV personality, activist, and trans woman Jazz Jennings.  This was intentional, a mild reminder of how much gender messaging kids receive and how early many of them know who they are. Our toddler is labeled male and read as a boy may identify as a boy later in life.  Or not.  That choice though is his to make.  Not mine or my partner's, not the state, a school, or doctor. 

In terms of agency and personal autonomy, encouraging a child to explore their gender identity and expression should not be up for debate.  Texas's new law is not in the best interests of any child or family.  In fact, there are real consequences with the restrictive nature of this law and similar ones cropping up: License to discriminate and act on prejudice, safety concerns for the individuals impacted, and an extra burden to the already overworked state social service resources, among others.  Anyone concerned about the wellbeing of a child should not oppress them or impress upon them your views, constraints, or labels.  They will already get this from every avenue of our world.  Instead, a healthy and supportive parent, caregiver, or adult makes space for their voice and agency.  This is what positive youth development looks like and should be the goal of any politician and political party, rather than a political issue or stance they are trying to limit. 

Speaking of limits, there are also abundant laws prohibiting trans athletes' participation in high school and college sports.  These bills are commonly applied disproportionately to women's and girls' sports because of the possible performance of trans women among their cis women peers.  This is not the first time that laws are pushed to protect women and girls from "the other."  [Think of the miscegenation and Jim Crow practices of not-so-distant US history.]  But let's be clear: anyone who is in a gendered sport should be competing with peers who identify in the same way.  There are hormonal differences across people as well as other discrepancies based on identity (think class, geography, and more) that affect the training and abilities of athletes.  Trans women are women.  Some are great at some sports, some are not, and some don't care about sports either- just like cis women. Will there be trans women who excel?  Yes of course.  Penn swimmer Lia Thomas is one example.  She just won a national college competition (which should be celebrated not derided).  Her time is also nine or ten seconds less than that of Olympian and at the time collegiate athlete Katie Ledecky.  I do not think there any examples of people identifying as trans, gender non-conforming, or another gender identity as a means to get an advantage in sports.  Where are those people and stories?  That is not the narrative we see proliferating sports and if you know anyone who identifies as trans*, they will tell you that sports is not why they identify the way they do. 

It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I felt comfortable enough to explore my gender identity or how I expressed it.  At my job, I tried using "they/them" as pronouns in addition to "he/him" because I did not feel comfortable or included in how our society has defined men and masculinity.  These are still areas where I am uncomfortable though I have come to redefine what "being a man" means to me.  This is not to equate my experience with that of trans* youth and adults nor say how I am impacted by the inumerable devastating laws referenced.  Instead, my illustration is to say what damage our society in its current iteration can impose on us individually even for me as a white, mostly cis, boy growing up and finding his place in the world.  The cost and stakes are amplified if we further marginalize and demonize LGBTQ+ young people.  If you think these laws are somehow helping this rhetoric, you overlook the political agenda being pushed with no regard for the damage that follows. 

In the weeks that have followed the Texas, Florida, and other proposed and enacted bills around the country, there are ways to speak out or take action.  Be it contacting legislators, signing petitions, or direct actions, I know I have seen several.  There are examples too of people - including students! - who are protesting these policies, such as a school walkout in Florida.  There are also some tangible actions referenced in the link that follows this post. 

Most importantly though, remember that our society does not make space for and care for everyone equally or equitably.  These laws serve as a stark reminder though they are hardly the only ways transphobia and homophobia persist in our communities.  So if you want to be involved, be sure that you make space for young people in your world.  All people, all genders - beginning with PrOnOuNs!  Young folks know who they are and will share it with you if you allow them to, if they want to, and feel safe.  They deserve treatment (and hormones and surgery) that is called GENDER AFFIRMING if they so choose.  They should be able to compete in sports with the gender they identify - and have opportunities if that is not as simple as mere "boy" or "girl" choices.  They need to be allowed to use the bathroom where they are most comfortable and identify. 

If you are not comfortable with all of this, sit with that feeling.  Self awareness has value.  You can educate yourself and reflect on your own biases (because we all have them).  I'm not an expert but absolutely available to answer questions too.  Being uninformed is not a license to be discriminatory and hurtful.  There is no one it protects or saves. 

We are doomed if we allow laws to propagate that box in children and young people (or anyone for that matter).  Instead what if we encourage them to blossom and appreciate how each one of them grows?  That to me sounds beautiful, healthy, and humanizing.  I want that for you, for my children, and myself.  Who does not want that?

[The title of this blog is of a song by the same name “Just Kids” by Mat Kearney.  You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SgUafccJSw. 

Also referenced is the Anti-Racism Daily.  This piece was written on March 14th so there are likely updates since last week. You can read the state-by-state anti-trans laws as well as actions to challenge them here: https://the-ard.com/2022/03/14/help-fight-against-anti-trans-bills-by-state/]

[eitherandor-blog]

Wait For The Moment

Like many children, classrooms were the formative environment of my youth.  These were places where I did an awful lot of learning (most of the time).  Some learning happened formally at desks or seated around a rug; other times, this was less structured, like learning how to share or be creative through interaction with others and my own independent learning.  All in all, much of my learning happened in a school setting.

Though I cannot remember all the lessons over the years, I remember a lot about the schools.  My first few schools I lived nearby and could walk to.  As a teenager, I would carpool with family friends.  I remember within each one, where some classrooms were located, where I could go #2 and stored my things, and how to enter and access each building.

Now fast forward to being a “young” adult, my professional career has revolved around the academic calendar, in a mix of school buildings and campuses.  After graduating for the final time as a student, my career has stayed close to education.  Since I’ve been in the workforce, my daytime is spent still orbiting around these institutions: on college campuses, presenting to a variety of school classrooms and youth programs, or based within one school at a time. 

At the latest school where I work, a public high school, hundreds- if not thousands- of our students organized and participated in a walkout in March.  This was hardly the singular example- a neighbor school had its own 3rd grade class simultaneously organize their own protest.  Students across the country- and globe- have been staging walkouts and protests months after the latest mass school shooting.  This was not the first, just the latest in a long line.  These actions were in response to the shooting earlier this year at Marjory Stoneman High School in Florida.  More students were marching on Friday, many participating from my same high school.

There is no one that (openly) agreed with these senseless acts of violence and shootings (that I know of, although I could be wrong on that somehow).  Reactions ranged, from tweets placing blame to those of uncontrolled- and justified- emotion.  Most notably though, there have been the voices, strength, anger, and leadership of students.  Since the Parkland shooting, the nation- and world- have taken notice of the leadership by these young people of Marjory Stoneman, and others like them.

Granted interviews and a microphone, many of the surviving students have been heralded as the fulcrum to finally crack the debate on gun rights and common sense reform.  With access to a platform and to politicians, many students and victim’s families are making their voices heard, having confronted their local politicians on gun control and those recipients of NRA funding.

All of that is amazing.

Now remember, none of these young people were seeking out this opportunity.  Instead, they witnessed, experienced and survived a school shooting. 

While no one is really supporting the fact that this shooting happened, many are taking this opportunity to remind of the importance, and constitutional right, of guns.  Even in Florida, within weeks of the shooting, the state voted to arm teachers (I wonder where that brilliant idea came from..).  And then things like this happen, and you wonder how this was ever considered a positive idea.

So the safety’s off, let’s talk about guns if that’s what y’all want.

...

(1) The notion of Gun Reform

Gun reform doesn’t mean:

-No one should own a gun

-You shouldn’t be able to be safe and protect yourself

-You are losing your freedoms

Who in the world needs an assault rifle?  I mean, maybe it’s because I do not like nor support the extreme weaponization of anyone and am likely always going to be antiwar.  Still, who could ever need an assault weapon?  Why is a bump stock necessary for hunting or for you safeguarding you property?  

Let’s be clear too: if the argument is “it’s in the Constitution, Bill of Rights, etc.,” this would not be the first time we reformed or rewrote our founding documents.  Remember that these documents were written into law at the founding of our country, centuries ago..when slavery was legal.  Not to mention, without our formalized (racist) institutions and much of the country unexplored/destroyed by European immigrants, safety looked differently.  

So I’m sorry NRA, private industries and interested citizens.  A few things may need to be adjusted for the times, guns included.  To start, let’s acknowledge that the rates of shootings in this country are inexcusable- and truly, preventable.  Trying to prevent the next shooting is not an agenda; it’s called logical sense.  There is really never going to be a time where it is “appropriate” to talk about guns, seeing as we are constantly using and killing with them across the country- so maybe we should be done talking? 

For those of y’all looking for voices of reason, there are perspectives and people speaking on both sides.  Be sure you’re at least listening to those who have had experience with firearms talk about some minuscule improvements to gun laws.  Reform with gun laws- like any reform- doesn’t mean that the original no longer exists.  It adapts and updates with the times, which leads to trying to decide between...

(2) Guns or people?

By the way, though I think that the notion that guns = safety is a false equivalency, it’s a little sad that there are some people who seem to prioritize guns > human life.  Like seriously, if I told you definitively, with research, personal testimony and the like, that with fewer guns in X country, there was less violence, fewer deaths and no increase in burglaries or vindictive animals who killed humans, there would still be people arguing for guns.

I get that this is something that seems deeply rooted into the fabric of our country and ‘American’ (I would counter these are not all positive affiliations, but I digress).  If that is your angle, how do you respond to the folks with military experience who contend that these are not an everyday necessity for folks?  Or that in fact more guns especially in schools have a direct link to greater/worser penalties and punishment of students of color in our school system?

Arming teachers, anyone, in a school building is a license to increase the school-to-prison pipeline and add capital punishment to the list of responsibilities of teachers.  When our schools, and especially punitive discipline procedures, require an overhaul, we want to give out more guns? Hell no.  Most teachers are not interested, most educators are overworked, and most students- namely students of color- are already over disciplined.  A gun will make that situation better?  If you talked to most educators- no, not her- the issues they are facing in schools and education, having a gun is not likely to be high on the list.

And then there’s the ongoing, supposed link between...

(3) Guns, Shootings, and Mental Health

As access to guns is relatively easy in this country, there are a diverse array of folks who own and gain access to weapons.  This includes people living with a number of mental illnesses as well as those who do not.  Some of them, maybe, have committed crimes, killing others and/or themselves.  Some of these shootings are not in the least related to the issue or perpetuated by folks with mental health illnesses. 

Now I can agree with the idea that some people should not have firearms.  If someone has been diagnosed with a mental disorder, and specific ones that can be determined by mental health professionals, perhaps they should have some evaluation before getting a gun, if ever.  I also think that if someone is an overt or closeted racist, xenophobe, anti-semitic, homo-, bi- or transphobic, they too should have difficulty gaining access to a weapon.  

I can also agree that there is a connection between shootings, guns, and mental health concerns.  Whether a large shooting with numerous casualties or a single shot that leaves no one dead, there are lifetime effects for the survivors.  Mental health services are a necessity for the folks that have to live with this trauma.  It also would unfortunately seem that among those who are shot and killed in senseless killings have their own history of mental health diagnoses.

Commonly, the most public retort after a mass shooting committed by a white man, we talk about mental health.  Maybe these folks need services and support.  Maybe we need to actually tend to reforming and updating our mental health system, rather than shuttling folks into our jails and prisons, and giving people the help they need.  However, we only talk about mental health on certain instances when guns and shootings are discussed, and that boils down to... 

(4) Privilege- who do we hear from and whose lives do we value

I hate what happened at Parkland.  And yet.  There are people dying of gun violence everywhere in our country.  People of color continue to be killed at alarming rates, publicly in examples by police.  Even in instances of clear murder, these police shooters or night watchmen are most often let free without punishment.  There are poor people, trans people, undocumented people and others whose deaths are not given any public, mainstream attention though their lives are lost too.

Specifically after Parkland, we have heard from the primarily same group of white and light-skinned students.  Now I don’t entirely fault the students themselves.  They are naming the discrepancy of how much coverage their largely white, largely affluent school and community have received since the shooting; how that might be different if there school was made up of different students.  And that’s great.

However, it seems like there are others in their own school looking to speak and be heard..and they aren’t getting a chance.  Beyond the school in Parkland, there are others, survivors of gun violence, clamoring to be heard who go unnoticed.  There are innumerable organizations and organizing vying to amend our gun problem.  These are commonly ignored, overlooked and not given the resources necessary or deserved- though on they fight and change the world.  Maybe the students can not just acknowledge others but actually invite other students into the fold, onto the platform?

...

I know there are people with guns who say they are liberal or vote Democrat.  I know Republicans that want gun reform.  I do not think is simply a black and white- or rather, blue or red political issue.  As is so commonly the case, there are an abundance of options that exist between current gun procedures and allowances and stripping everyone of their guns.

Also, there is no denying there is a problem with school shootings.  Although there is also a problem with shootings in movie theaters; at nightclubs; at concerts; at churches, mosques and temples.  I am not naive enough to think that guns are the only problem here.  However, if people are unwilling to talk about the big issues that are destroying our world- you know, like systemic racism, xenophobia, and the like- then getting rid of your damn guns to at least shrink the damage people can inflict seems like a must. 

People, daily if not hourly if not every minute in this country, are killed by the bullet.  Those involved in the struggle, and those parked outside it.  Millions are invested- and proposed to continue being spent- on our protection and institutions of “safety.”  This includes guns and weaponry, $95M alone in Chicago that could be spent on other more dire services.

However, if you would rather keep your gun, I am totally open to thinking how that can be possible.  If you are unhappy that people want to reign in the lax policies and availability of guns, that’s okay- don’t sing about it.  If change is hard for you, get in line.  Because while this may not be the time you want to have this conversation, we are having this conversation; there is no perfect time to wait for.  Actually, with how constant shootings occur, there is no way we can discuss an ideal time: this is an ever present reality in our country.  How could there ever be a time where we are not talking about this?  How can this not matter enough to be a topic now, tomorrow and from now on until we curb the violence?  In some sick, twisted way, it may appear beneficial to those clinging to their guns to hold out for a moment of peace and no shootings to talk, seeing as that time does not seem to be coming.

There is no argument when the right time is to get into it and dialogue about the issues related to guns and gun violence.  Rather, if there is a problem- a constant, daily problem, across communities and locations- you either confront it and have the conversation or you allow it to continue.  Stop waiting for the moment and do something.

(This latest blog is named after my favorite tune by Vulfpeck, straight outta Ann Arbor!  You can listen to the song- featuring THE Antwaun Stanley- here.  It’s worth listening beyond the introductory 45 seconds too.) 

[eitherandor-blog]

White Flag

It’s been a month.  

A full month and a day.  If we only go at this for four years, that means we have only (roughly) 47 months remaining.  React accordingly.

In that time, we have said goodbye to one president, and hello to another.  Although to be fair, I don’t think Adele is singing to this man..

We will get to Trump momentarily but in the interim, take a minute to reflect on where we have been:

In 2008, we elected Barack Hussein Obama the 44th President of the United States.  I remember where I was, early in my Sophomore year of undergrad.  With ample uncertainty- and my house divided- I cried- happily, to be clear- after listening to the acceptance speech from Obama.  I watched and listened as he was met with applause amid a dark November night, near my hometown in Chicago.  Shortly after, I rushed to central campus (colloquially referred to as “The Diag”) to celebrate.  I was met with a mix of students, pouring out of dorms- I mean, residence halls.  Music was played as we frolicked across campus, filling streets, singing and chanting.  It was one of a few moments in my life where I was filled with a tangible synergy, some shared sense of unity between myself and others, some students who I knew, some strangers, to commemorate this occasion.  

Barack Obama was not perfect.  He deported more people in his tenure than any president (..before him), and had a different but related immigration ban to some countries ‘of concern.’  Obama did not enter office supporting Gay Marriage or [initially] recognize the multiple identities part of the LGBTQ+ communities.  He was instrumental in the creation of the Affordable Care Act (mostly a positive) but left it suspect to critique and possible erasure by his successor.  Though war and conflict were not prominent to his presidency, they were present.  Our systems of prejudice were sadly not undone.

Some thought he did not live up to the hype, did not change enough; others feel like his 8 years in office were THE WORST.  There were those that thought the president spent too much time talking about issues of race and equity, while other people *hoped* he could undue the historical, cyclical American pattern of subjugation so core to our country.  He also- fairly or not- will be connected and blamed by some for an inability to unite the Democratic Party and pass the torch to a subsequent Democratic President rather than our current status.

Not perfect nor exempt of fault.  No politician, president, or person, is perfect.  Nor am I, as is reiterated in one of my favorite films, “Now I ain’t saying I’m perfect cause I’m not.”  That is not an excuse, merely a fact to consider as we evaluate his time in office.  

Like him or not, he was our President.  He was definitely my first President: the first I really, truly remember; the first I voted for; the first I followed.  As a young person- and maybe as someone liberal though I would argue it exceeded ideology- President Obama made me care about politics.  I feel like I learned a lot and took an interest in our political system in a new and vital way.

Some of this was that he coincided with my own maturation.  This may have been relevant for many young adults before me and their corresponding president.  Some will say he was one of the greatest, while many others may say he was chronologically speaking, just the 44th.  He was mine, and one for so many.  I know his goodbye as President was something I focused on, I critiqued, I felt, and will remember.  And, as someone now living in Chicago, I welcome his arrival and return to the city where he got his start.  You never forget your first.

...

Okay, enough nostalgia, back to the current reality.  We got this new guy in the White House (and how fitting that THAT’S the name of the building.  Remember that portion of FLOTUS’ speech?  The 360 from then to now is eery).

The day after getting elected, people showed up, the world over, to “acknowledge” this election.  Women’s marches spawned around the world as millions of people stood, rallied, and protested the Trump election.  Several marches had to be redirected or even canceled due to the expansive turnout.  Though these were dubbed as marches for women’s rights, it seemed like the whole world participated..but they didn’t.  People in part avoided the march due to messaging that it was exclusive or narrow-minded, and other people ended up surprised as they were welcomed into the fold of activism and action of Women’s Marches.

I know for me, I was always going to be marching.  Although I identify as a man, I know there were too many people, too many reasons to march.  For me, this felt like something much bigger than me, than gender, than a binary.  I know not everyone agrees, and it’s why we have to work to keep being inclusive, making space and seeing the full scope of identities, experiences, and issues that affect more than the most privileged among us.  

Now I want to take a minute and talk about the intersection of privilege and activism.  Anyone can participate, right?  Well, kinda-sorta.  In my humble opinion, everyone should always be included, engaged, and wrapped up in the work as it’s our struggles are all interconnected.  However, we also know that there are gatherings that media, politicians and police may describe as “peaceful protests” and others “riots,” often based on who was in attendance rather than any action/inaction that transpired.  

The costs are also higher for those with more at risk.  For me, to show up, to march to be civilly disobedient, I’m pretty much guaranteed safe passage from home to event and then back home.  This is in part due to my whiteness, my cisgender, ability status, being a US citizen, among others.  For other folks, even the mere possibility of speaking up or out can be met with law and order, or worse.

What we also need consider is not to step on one another (the lesser, weaker, quiet or oppressed) in our efforts.  Many may have grown familiar with the ‘Hope’ Obama signs during the campaign trail many moons ago (refresher here).  Well, the artist returned to demonstrate nationalism across the broad American landscape.  Unfortunately, this was done without fully considering impact or the folks offended- specifically the woman wearing an hijab of an American flag (here).  If your action, your activism and your protest denigrate another, what have you done but further your own at the expense of another.

...

Still, he’s president.

There have been subsequent marches, protests, rallies and- dare I say it?- riots, too.  I hope if you showed up for the first, you have continued to support the others that have followed, however you can.

While the marches may get the most publicity, there are innumerable other forms of activism, now and forever.  Letter-writing campaigns may be a thing of the past (though please, go ahead and send that email!).  However, there’s no shortage of online petitions or politicians to call.  Can we find a way to text Paul Ryan?  Or better yet, if Barack wants my number, I’m cool with him getting in touch..

Other than texting with former presidents, you can do so much more.  I know, some folks are not super comfortable cold-calling a political figure and complaining/advocating on a topic (Me too!  Here’s a road map to get started.).  We have to keep doing, because we have so much more to do.  Others have contemplated next steps to take. 

So to prepare, first educate yourself!  There are a bounty of resources out there to learn more about politics and lauding (fingers-crossed) the system of checks and balances in play.  You can learn more about how we have gotten to this point in our history, even hidden aspects that uphold our hierarchy and systems.  You can also arm yourself with words and reading from this list of defiance.

The concrete moments that have followed are hard to track.  As one who follows the sports world (maybe too much sometimes), I have appreciated witnessing the political climate evident among athletes and the sports world at large.  It’s on the lips of the outspoken and the more soft-spoken, even brought up by nasty coaches; politics of the SuperBowl halftime show as well as some victors’ plans to celebrate (or not) at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

This is not without cost- for athletes and the rest.  That does not mean to speak; instead, it requires speaking louder.  It requires listening, making room for other voices beyond one’s periphery.   

Now there are a plethora of opportunities to savor the artistic licenses employed in response to the latest president.  Sure, there are the memorable memes and SNL performances- eager to see where these go next.  A few European countries are taking part in the fun, responding to the notion that America need be 1st, exclaimed by the new President.  

And while that humor is important, it is rooted in truth.  Truth of a new president, a fragmented nation with many echoing his actions and provocations, and a country with a history to support it.

Recognize too the power of the people.  I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am just learning this truth now.  There are so many others, leaders and true activists, who have been knee-deep in the filth for quite some time.  When I look across my world of people, I am reminded of the chorus to the blog title, White Flag:

I could surrender but I'd Just be pretending, no I'd Rather be dead than live a lie Burn the white flag Burn the white flag

I do not often know what is the right action or next move to make.  I know that I am weary from the world but that I am also safer than others.  It is on me, on us, to respond, to hold our government accountable, to work toward a more perfect union.  Nevertheless, she persisted.  She was not alone.  We too must remember: we are not alone.  We are not obligated to endure.  We are obligated to object, to mobilize, to act.  No time for a white flag.  Not now, not ever.

(This blog is named after a song written by Joseph, not to be confused with the Dido hit.  As I would guess most are not yet familiar, Joseph is a trio of sisters, singing and harmonizing on a mix of topics.  This song seemed appropriate, one of many I listen to to stay motivated.  The full album is one of my recent faves; check it out and get a little introduction via White Flag.)

[eitherandor-blog]

Weary

Tongue tied.

It’s hard to articulate the words- and the actions and decisions made- to recap the past few months.  Particularly, the recent political happenings in the US.  I will always remember where I was on November 8th, 2016.  Now, I don’t need to relive the specifics of that night, or the morning after.  However, I can say that in the immediate aftermath, I was in a daze.  That stupor lingered, for quite a while. 

When I came back to earth, or resurfaced, or came to face reality, Donald F. Trump was the new President (Note: The “F” is intentional).  In some respects, this is completely baffling to me.  Like one of those moments in a movie or TV show, where everything seems to be horribly awry (or positively, unrealistically perfect) but then the protagonist wakes up.  It was all a farce...If only.

Now it’s not hard to fathom that in a country of 330+ million, we would not all think the same.  And that’s good (mostly).  I relearned that last November.  Frankly, it’s an essential reminder that the self-selective bubble that I- and I know many others- have created is just that: a bubble.  A limited, insulated fragment of a larger, fuller reality.  Sometimes my social world- and definitely the one I’ve created over social media (perhaps some readers are unfriending me as they read..)- is not exhaustive nor inclusive of all viewpoints.  The world is much bigger than any one person’s bubble.  I learned that in a YUGE way.. 

I also know that while I certainly was disappointed, there were millions of people who were applauding this (somewhat) unexpected victory.  That does not necessarily make them evil, awful, Satan worshipers.  It does not mean that they support everything that Donald F. Trump says or stands for.  Maybe they don’t support the extra curriculars, as Aziz Ansari laid out on Saturday Night Live.

However, it also meant that among several multiple choice options on election day (vote for a third party candidate, vote for Clinton, don’t vote, or E, hope for Armageddon), they thought that A: vote for Trump, was their best selection.  “Best” may be up for debate, but they undeniably chose him as a presidential candidate.  

These are maybe not the people you see, the people you know, or interact with on a daily basis.  In the school district where I work, students were polled and given the option to cast a ballot, as a way to learn the voting process and participate in the monumental November day.  We know that for some students, they may vote, and think politically, similar to the views they are surrounded by (family, teachers and community).  In this mock election, 82.7% of the 2,146 students surveyed voted for Hillary Clinton, 4.2% for Donald Trump.  

What does that mean?  Well, obviously for many of these students, there was a clear favored choice.  There were also students who even in what is presumed to be a progressive, equitable community, voted for Trump (as well as alternate candidates).  We also know that even if these votes were to be counted, with little more than two thousand, they make little impact in the larger whole.  The story they tell is infinitesimal in comparison the larger, national picture.  However, in this bubble, everyone seemingly thinks the same.  How comfortable that can be- as well as misleading.

What I also saw- and what I know has been true for many young people- is how damaging this election result felt, how personal and how confusing.  For some students, the principles of kindness and respect (and frankly, humanity) are instilled and at times, reinforced, in formative years.  These are ideals we implore our young people to uphold, even if we lose our way abiding them ourselves.  We try, though we often cannot control, to keep our young people safe.  With the result of this election, and the campaign that preceded it, the lessons learned communicated some different takeaways for students.  I can only speak for my school.

In the immediate aftermath, my school of students were perplexed.  I never could have imagined that this group (at a K-8 school, to be clear) were so aware and consumed with the election results.  Furthermore, there were many who were scared or sad, uncertain what this meant for the future.  In the weeks that have followed, there have been an abundance- and according to staff, more than usual- of student conflict and bullying.  This summary overlooks the ongoing division between staff and students; we are still navigating this as we go.  To sum up, it’s been an unsettling time for our young people.  As an adult, I hate that there is little direction to give. 

...

I was not bewildered to see many people, in the days, weeks, even years leading up to the election, proclaim that they would not, could not vote for Hillary Clinton.  Some of them were staunch Republicans, others were Berning reallll hard.  Some wanted to deviate from the career politician in Clinton, while others still could not overlook some of her past actions, inactions, and decisions of consequence.  Then there are the ‘handful’ who- despite her credentials and pantsuits- who because she is a woman, would not, could not bring themselves to vote for a woman as leader of the “free world” (what a tease we are, ‘land of the free’).  

Many could have predicted this is where we/the US were headed.  Tensions flared in Obama’s final term, even down to Congress’ proclamation that it would not consider any nominees to the Supreme Court’s vacant seat.   

LIKE SERIOUSLY?!   

So here we are now, stuck with Donald F. Trump.  We’ve got a racist, xenophobic, sexist, perpetrator, ableist (that can’t be all, right?) with the gall to spend his Black History Month remarks discussing polling and his diverse voter turnout, rating Fox better than CNN news, and big league Ben Carson.  Seriously, THIS GUY??

Now we are left with a byproduct of our storied, troubled past as a country. Today, many white people can reside to the comforts and cushiness of their privilege.  In the midst of a changing country, a politician tapped into that fear- which Trump so creatively reverberated- led him all the way to the White House.

Somehow, in 2017, we have the most discriminatory politician most anyone can recall.  We have an entire regime that seems to make up and rewrite the news ad nauseam.  Be it alternative facts about the ills committed by immigrants in this country, molding statistics and numbers to fit an agenda (such as a report on Chicago violence), or simply mocking, threatening, and offending virtually every minority group one can think of- it’s okay white men, you’re safe (for now)- this, this is your president. 

I could go on, truly, on the appalling man we have elected and enabled to become president.  But it doesn’t stop there!  There are a laundry list of folks who (to generalize) are significantly under qualified for their positions and responsibilities. From the well-documented, questionable (or racist) history of Jeff Sessions in Coretta Scott King’s letter- and nearly read by Senator Elizabeth Warren- to the inconceivably unqualified Betsy DeVos as Education Secretary, we are truly being led by band of misfits. 

While we are left to stomach the disheartening cabinet appointments, we have to (somehow) digest executive orders that run rampant to undo our democracy. Attacks waged (commonly over Twitter) that permeate every sector: to department stores, the environment, the media, and many, many immigrants.  In particular, the ‘Muslim Ban’ stands out as one of (because there are multiple, even after 3 weeks in office) divisive, misguided, and ass-backwards acts under the 45th.  

And while I wholeheartedly disavow this has any legal or moral founding, no one can say they are surprised.  We should have seen this coming with Trump.  When people have voiced displeasure and protested, one of the resounding arguments has been that we, the United States of America, are a nation of immigrants.  Though I know the intent of this argument, and know that I find myself on this side of the debate, I could not disagree with these people more on their point.

The USA was founded under the guise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, some Disney fable of the American Dream.  In actuality, the leader of the free world was made on the backs of the transatlantic slave trade, on the land of American Indians, and furthered by systematic and intentional dehumanization, internment camps, and genocide foreign and domestic.  Do not pretend that things were utopian from the start for this country nor in its more recent history.  Our hands are blood-stained and our pages littered with lies to help people in power sleep at night.

While I am so shattered by the position we find ourselves in, Trump is a President elected by (some) of the people for all of the people (theoretically).  The US deserves such a candidate, born and raised, until we acknowledge the pedestal we declare our birthright.  By the looks of it, Trump appears happy on a throne.  What did you expect?

(My latest installment, entitled “Weary” is after one of the hits of Solange’s album from the fall, A Seat at the Table.  I encourage you to listen to the full album; you can get a taste with the title track of this post here.)

[eitherandor-blog]

What is This Feeling?

Here we are, the moment you all have been waiting for/dreading/ready to move beyond.  November 8th is here, the Presidential Election upon us (and some other elections too, but we’ll get to that later).  By night’s end, we will- more than likely- have declared the 45th President of the United States.  That is unless Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton find a way to drag this out even more.  [Because there have got to be more hate speech comments he can utter and emails she can improperly send and receive.  Loathing.  I know, my heart skips a beat too just imagining elongating this fun.]

Like it or not, these are the two major candidates that are vying for the Oval Office- aka Barry and Michelle’s Palace.  After he overcame the gargantuan GOP field of pretenders, she the scrappy Bernie from New England, Donald and Hillary are the last two standing, surviving until the end.  Personally, my emotions are very different after voting in the previous two presidential elections.

It took until mid-to-late June to know that officially, Bernie Sanders would withdraw from the Presidential race.  Hillary vs. Bernie left the Democratic Party fractured, as the barn-Berner (Hehe #1), a close competition committed some voters to one candidate over the other.  One of the critical elements of the campaign has been Hillary’s effort to recruit Bernie’s base.  We will see if they vote for her, for him, for someone else, or perhaps no one at all.

Donald was the lone dog/wolf left in the fight after John Kasich and Ted Cruz withdrew from their half of the race in early May.  In the months since, it has seemed almost like Humanity vs. Trump, as people from both sides of the aisle converge to support Hillary/oppose Trump (and no, those are not automatically one in the same.)  He, in turn, has both trumpeted (Hehe #2) his surefire victory AND claim that if he loses, the election must be rigged.  By that math, he is guaranteed to dominate the storyline as a surefire winner and come out on top no matter what.  Love him or hate him, Donald sure is a glutton for the spotlight.  Bravo Donald, bravo.

There are those of you reading this (many) who have known who you would be voting for, siding with her either from the beginning of the race or since Bernie dropped out.  There may be some that know you want to vote for him...Not sure what else to say about that.  In either case, I ask you to really consider your choice.

Hopefully you have suppressed the knee-jerk decision that any candidate is worthy of your vote simply because of their party affiliation.  Beyond that thinking, we try to get to the core of each candidate; not only their campaign and marketing advertisements, but also their potential as POTUS.  This warrants both consideration of their track record AND their ability to field the many unending demands as President of the United States for one or even two terms.

Maybe you’ve been stewing and contemplating what to do come election day, and you are not going to vote.  While this may seem like a privilege not to vote, that could not be further from the truth.  Choosing not to vote is not a passive choice; there is in fact power in any choice you make.  That includes choosing not to vote- which is far from a wasted vote.  

As Eugene Debs stated, “I would rather vote for what I want and not get it, than vote for what I don’t want and get it.”  For anyone who thinks that it is a poor choice not to vote: if you truly believe that neither candidate has your best interests at heart or will help YOU, why in the world would you vote for either of them?  If it’s truly a ‘lesser of two evils’ choice, aren’t you still selecting a candidate you view as evil?  Though that may not be your situation today, it is kind of hard to stomach that reality.  Unadulterated loathing for either viable option.  This lack of choice rings loudly in our presidential election, where the battle has reached the pinnacle of a 21st political rivalry that movies may be made of someday (or comedic sketches for the time being).  For many, they feel like there is no one they can support, stand with, vote for.

On election day, whether we are family, friends, or just friendly with one another, I ask you to act.  Like it or not, B.O. is moving home-ish.  So vote or don’t vote for the 45th.  BUT don’t forget that’s not the only open seat or issue on the ballot!  It’s important that you know who is on your ballot, beyond the top few names, so educate and equip yourself.  Depending on ‘your side,’ the balance of power could shift in Congress, so this is not an election to avoid or overlook.  Not to mention some significant legislation across the country- such as repealing the death penalty in California.

Now if you make the decision not to vote, please please PLEASE don’t let that be because you did not want to wait in line.  Or were unwilling to wake up early, or stay out late after work.  Definitely don’t let it be because anyone else prevents you from voting cause that’s illegal.  Know your rights, such as this example from the ACLU of Michigan.  

Representative John Lewis talks about the fight for the vote, and how it is the one tool we possess in this country to make change, something he holds dearly after his involvement in sit-ins and Freedom Rides.  Part of this fight was for the ability to vote, to select a candidate of your choosing, participate in this democracy.  We do, however, make a decision by our action, not our ballots alone.  Silence is an action.  You may vote for someone but your activism and beliefs do not begin nor end on November 8th.

Vote or don’t vote, be engaged.  Do not stifle someone else’s right to choose what they do on this day, and do not pretend to understand their lived experience when you are quick to judge their actions.  Remember too that regardless of who becomes President, each candidate had literally millions of followers, some people you know, that voted for them.  So even if there is someone- an Elephant in the room if you will (Hehe #3)- you do not agree with and will never support, know that their movement and agenda do not merely end with this election.  Vote and participate- or don’t vote but participate.  Engage with people who share your views, and those who do not.  Share your perspective in person and through social media.  Educate youth, and let them teach you too; they will be under the president’s tutelage too.  There is work to be done across all communities, to try and stem the xenophobia running rampant in the world, and this country; to find commonality and strive for community; to listen, hear, advocate, and change.  

I can tell you that for me, I have been mulling over my choices for some time.  Though there are more than two candidates on the ballot, I knew I was voting for one or the other, or neither at all.  While I am not proud of everything she has done in the past, I also believe in the capacity to change and evolve.  We saw this firsthand with President Obama.  It is hard to know what to trust on the campaign trail, but I believe that with a nation that speaks by more than just their votes, we will continue to change.  That is my hope.  Because I too have the audacity to hope.

If you are really feeling down and have given up, you can create whatever outcome you desire for this election, and color the map how you like.  If you are not excited about the presidential options- cause how you gonna top No. 44?- then vote for the other open seats and ballot initiatives.  Please, participate, however you choose, and let’s get to work.  We have a long ways to go to label the country with any superlatives.  Let’s start by Making America Home.  No matter who is elected as the next President, they are going to need lots of help.

(This blog, like my others, is named after a song.  Fittingly, the title comes from one of the more popular songs in the musical Wicked.  I highly encourage seeing the show; you can start by listening to the song here.)

[eitherandor-blog]

The Man

Maybe it is just me, but I often think of sports as a microcosm of our larger society.  This is at times frustrating, evidenced by the Ism’s in sports, the racial and economic hierarchy demonstrated between players and ownership, and- in the “major” sports- an unnecessary emphasis of patriarchy, machismo and manliness, whatever that is.  However, it also can showcase the best of us, the at times incomprehensible feats of human spirit and skill, an opportunity for community and (ideally) healthy competition, as well as a catalyst to build relationships and between those athletes of different identities and backgrounds. 

Part of the history of sports also includes activism.  There have been some historical examples, and other more recent opportunities where athletes spoke up or took action, on a cause related to their sport or on larger social issues.  Sometimes this is done through their words, and other historic examples through an athlete’s actions.  Sometimes this has interrupted their careers, sometimes actions have even ended a career (allegedly).  For some, it is an overlooked part of their career and impact.  There are other athletes who remain in or return to the spotlight through their activism or when injustices affect them in their daily lives.  While the activism of today may be subdued in contrast to the storied past examples of athlete-activism, we can absolutely note examples in the here and now.

The example sweeping the nation is that of San Francisco 49ers Quarterback Colin Kaepernick.  Few people beyond the sports world had heard of Colin Kaepernick before his “stance” in preseason football to sit and now kneel during the national anthem of NFL games.  This action was a protest against the inequality and injustice people of color face in the U.S.A., according to Kaep, evident now in examples of police brutality, but that have existed for years in this country.  Though he had been taken this action from the start of preseason football, people took notice after the third game, where it gained national attention.  Media outlets have covered this story in the weeks since.  Athletes have been interviewed and offered up their opinions, many questioning Kaepernick’s nationalism and patriotism, and even his race.  

There are others who feel that the quarterback’s message is important and understandable, but delivery flawed: it either negatively affects and implicates his employer, or creates more controversy than space for any dialogue.  While it certainly has attracted opposition, Kaepernick has also gained support.  This includes military members who state that they fight or fought for the rights of all Americans via the 1st Amendment, which allows for Kaepernick’s protest. Veterans are sending support virtually through the Twitter handle #VeteransForKaepernick.  

Nate Boyer, a former Green Beret who attempted a football career- and briefly played- in the NFL, echoed these sentiments of supporting Kaepernick.  Despite having initial anger over the protest, Boyer has reflected on Kaepernick’s actions:  “I’m not judging you for standing up for what you believe in. It’s your inalienable right.  What you are doing takes a lot of courage, and I’d be lying if I said I knew what it was like to walk around in your shoes. I’ve never had to deal with prejudice because of the color of my skin, and for me to say I can relate to what you’ve gone through is as ignorant as someone who’s never been in a combat zone telling me they understand what it’s like to go to war.”  Nate Boyer gave time to reflect and consider all sides before contributing his full perspective.

There are certainly opponents, in the military community, in the sports world, and the larger country too.  Kaep’s former teammate (now of the Minnesota Vikings) Alex Boone had a different opinion on the anthem and the flag: “That flag obviously gives [Kaepernick] the right to do whatever he wants.  I understand it.  At the same time, you should have some [expletive] respect for people who served, especially people that lost their life to protect our freedom.”  This is just one of many opinions that emphatically refute Kaepernick’s actions.

Though Boone is certainly entitled to his opinion and to disagree with Kaepernick, he is actually missing the point the QB is attempting to make.  As Kaepernick elucidates, he is not protesting merely for himself, but for the oppressed and the voiceless.  He is in fact very supportive of the military, and the freedoms that they have fought for in the United States..which extends to his freedom of speech and right to peacefully protest.  

While Kaepernick was the first visible example by his actions, he is gaining support on his team and by others in the NFL.  So far it’s just a few players; Are there more who will follow his example?  The start of the regular season for the National Football League looms this upcoming week, where many more eyes will be attuned to the players, the anthem, and Kaepernick in particular.  Then this weekend, one of the leaders of the US Women’s National Soccer Team Megan Rapinoe joined in, kneeling during The Star-Spangled Banner.  Rapinoe confirmed afterward that her action was a ‘nod to Kaepernick.’  Rapinoe continued the conversation too: "We are not saying we are not one the greatest countries in world.  Just need to accept that [it is] not perfect, things are broken.  And quite honestly, being gay, I have stood with my hand over my heart during the national anthem and felt like I haven't had my liberties protected, so I can absolutely sympathize with that feeling."

Rapinoe’s words and action are of particular note as she is crossing multiple identity lines.  She is the first non-football player to take part in Kaepernick’s protest- and also not a person of color.  Rapinoe additionally referenced the discrimination she has felt as a gay American, that she resonated with not always feeling home or welcome in the U.S.A.  "The very least that I can do is continue the conversation with him by kneeling for the anthem," she said.  

Whether you stand, cross your heart, sing-a-long or tip your cap during the national anthem is a practice most everyone experiences commonly.  Whether that is because it is a social norm or you feel peer pressured, because of your belief in that practice’s ties to your patriotism, or for appreciation of our military, that is a choice you make (consciously or unconsciously).  Having worked in school settings, I contemplate my own choices whenever I hear the Pledge of Allegiance, as well as the autonomy for every student to decide to participate, or not.  

Colin Kaepernick probably never predicted the attention this protest and action would garner, receiving a spotlight and media presence unmatched to his previous years in the NFL.  His every move, even wardrobe choices, are being critiqued and questioned: are those socks appropriate?  Do they stay on or detract from the message he’s attempting?  All of this swirling around 49ers camp despite the fact that Kaepernick is not even the starting QB for the team and could (coincidentally or not) end up off the team in the near future.

Whatever the anthem or this country means to you, I ask you to STOP before responding or derailing the conversation.  Take a second to listen to and read about Kaepernick’s perspective- or perhaps to learn about the racist origins of the anthem.  Kaepernick is not saying he doesn’t want to be in this country or hates the military; in fact the goal is to draw some attention and actually improve the country.  Whether or not you agree with the delivery seems pretty insignificant in my mind.  To get stuck on the form is to ignore the core principle: there are deeply rooted injustices interwoven in the fabric of our country [hopefully this is not a surprise to anyone].  If Kaepernick is not your favorite athlete for whatever the reason, read the words of Jackie Robinson, near the time of his death: 

“Today, as I look back on that opening game of my first world series, I must tell you that it was Mr. Rickey’s drama and that I was only a principal actor. As I write this twenty years later, I cannot stand and sing the anthem. I cannot salute the flag; I know that I am a black man in a white world. In 1972, in 1947, at my birth in 1919, I know that I never had it made.”

This is Jackie Robinson, one of the most iconic, instrumental athletes across sports.  Who every year, all of baseball honors Jackie Robinson Day on April 15th, where every player, manager, and umpire wear the number 42 on their jerseys.  Jackie’s revelations were more than 42 years ago, and yet there are those who still never seem to make it.  So thank you Colin Kaepernick for drawing the focus to these injustices, speaking up on your platform as an athlete and celebrity.  Wait and see how big this gets, and how further down the road, how spot on he may ultimately be.  So please, try to listen to the man.

(This blog is named after a song written by Aloe Blacc, The Man.  I thought of this title actually after seeing the commercial with Kaepernick several years ago.  It seemed appropriate now, check it out here.  If you want to listen to the full song by Aloe Blacc, you can listen to that too.)

[eitherandor-blog]

Never Getting Rid of Me

Hey Dan,

We’ve never met before, and probably never will.  I’ve been trying (for better and worse) to follow the court proceedings and testimonies in the case against your son, Brock.  In reading the events after the news broke, your story was one that was highlighted, and your testimony has stayed with me.  Upon advocating for probation for your son rather than jail time, this quote stands out most to me from your letter:

“His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve.  That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life.”

20 minutes  

In some ways, thinking about a full day, 20 minutes is just a fraction, a fragment of time, of a much larger whole.  Easy to overlook, to forget, to skip.  In others, it’s compiled of 1200 seconds, where so much can happen.

In 20 minutes, you can eat breakfast.  Or lunch.  Or dinner.  Dessert maybe too!

In 20 minutes, you can catch up with family or friends.  

In 20 minutes, you can excel- or flounder- in an interview.  I’ve done both.

In 20 minutes, you can make a purchase, a return, or simply window shop.

in 20 minutes, you can create art, score a goal, or in your son’s case, set a new PR [personal record] time in swimming.

In 20 minutes, you can walk around the block, drive to a store, or patiently wait for a bus or train.

In 20 minutes, you can practically watch a full episode of Friends, The Boondocks, or just get caught up in one of Shonda Rhimes’ never-ending tv shows.

But 20 minutes can also be really substantial, impactful, powerful too...

In 20 minutes, you can make a first impression (for better and worse).

In 20 minutes, you can pull a trigger, shoot a missile, or detonate a bomb.

In 20 minutes, you can promise to love someone forever, or you can break a heart.

In 20 minutes, you can say hello to a baby for the first time, or you can say goodbye for the last.

In 20 minutes you can change the world.  

After what has been a really eventful- and at times disturbing- summer of events nationally and internationally, I was reminded of you and your son while watching Olympic swimming events this past weekend.  I cannot imagine the many emotions you are experiencing right now.  I’m sure in the subsequent months since this all came to light, you and your family have received lots of negative attention (which may be an understatement).  As I recall, your son was rumored to be in contention for the US Olympic swim team prior to this “incident” on campus.  

With the Olympics underway, 20 minutes is precious.  We’ve seen races one, scores earned, and crashes all within 20 minutes.  Despite the fact that the Olympics include some of the premiere athletes in the world, the media has time and again miscredited women’s accomplishments to their male partners, or commented more about a woman’s physique or outfit and less her accomplishments.  This is drastically different than the coverage male athletes receive.  

Some male athletes have their own storyline that is being reported.  At least two male Olympians have been accused of sexually assaulting Olympic Village staff members.  That’s right: in the few weeks convening sport and “healthy” international competition, several top male athletes also harassed and assaulted staff members.  Two already, and we are not even halfway through the Summer Games.

Due to the distraction of Olympics themselves, or the crises, attacks, and murders that have tallied in our world since news broke of Brock’s assault, he is far removed from the spotlight of earlier this summer.  All because of “his potential”- or possibly because of his race- Judge Aaron Persky thought it sufficient to sentence Brock to 6 months of jail time.

Now whether or not you view 20 minutes as a long time or not is irrelevant.  Because if you doubt the impact of that time, you were hopefully illuminated in the courtroom by the victim.  The survivor.  The human woman impacted by those mere 20 minutes of your son’s life.  Because they intersected and forever changed her life, all in 20 minutes time.  Her words will reverberate in this world for victims and survivors of sexual violence indefinitely.  Because rape and sexual assault affect millions, in 20 minutes or less, and last a lifetime.  Because live in a patriarchy, where misogyny and rape culture are a narrative interwoven in our core.  And because she shared her story, her letter, directly to your son.    

People have noticed too.  This letter has spanned the globe in the days and weeks since being written.  It’s even made it’s way to the Vice President of our country, who has written his own reply vowing support, and applauding her bravery and the creed she has penned for girls everywhere.  

So Dan, I am going to vehemently disagree about 20 minutes.  Time is all we have.  The reality is we are all measured by our actions.  Your son Brock made a decision, an action, that will certainly, indefinitely effect and affect the young woman he raped and assaulted.  Please re-read her words if you have forgotten them, research/open your eyes to the system and HIStory at play that have crafted a world to be so unsafe and compromising for women, and don’t take time for granted.

(As has been the recent trend of musical song titles, this blog is named after a song from the musical Waitress, You’re Never Getting Rid of Me.  Check out the full version here- and if you have the $ and time, check it out in NYC!)