#and also that their MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH are NOT aspects of that when. again. THEYRE WHITE

[bittwitchy]

my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.

[alotofpockets]

Replaced | Part 1 | Natasha Romanoff

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Stark!Reader, and Tony Stark x Daughter!Reader

Story warnings: heart disease/failure, loss of a parent, absent father.

Story summary: Your father, Tony Stark, has been rather absent in the recent years of your life. What will happen when you show up at the Avengers Compound after you lose your mom?

Masterlist | Marvel masterlist | Words: 2.5K Part 1 | Part 2

Your parents split up when you were just two years old, therefore you didn't even remember them together. You've lived with just your mom ever since. At first you spend every summer at your dad's, but ever since he became Iron Man, that stopped. Your dad had claimed to not have enough time on his hands to keep you safe. 

It's been about ten years since you've had sleepovers at your dad's in the summer. You had seen him every few months to catch up over dinner, but much more than that you hadn't seen of your dad. It sucks, because he was your dad and you want him in your life, but over the years it started to get more and more clear to you that being an entrepreneur and superhero was more important to him than being a father. 

Over those years your mom had been your biggest form of support, she was always there for you and your needs. She was your mom and best friend in one, you could share everything with her. Sure, your dad made sure you and your mom had the money to live a good life, and so that your mom was able to keep her local book store running instead of having to get a better paying job. You were very grateful for that, because your mom absolutely loved that store. On your eighteenth birthday your mom asked you if you wanted to be the co-owner of the store. You had been working there as a side job ever since you started college. You were grateful for her offer, and gladly accepted it. 

At college you studied business, something that clearly runs in the family. Everything you’ve learned in class, you got to put to use at the store. Once you were done with college, your mom had taught you about every aspect of the store, unbeknownst to you, making you ready to take over one day. It happened suddenly, one day everything was good, and the next day you were in an ambulance because your mother had collapsed. After hours of testing the doctor let you know that something was wrong with her heart. At first medication was enough to help your mom get through the day, but when those stopped working, she had to have surgery. She stayed at the hospital for a while to monitor everything. You spend as much time as you could by her side, while also keeping the store running. It was mentally and physically draining, but the store was your mom’s pride and joy, and you had every intention to keep it running for her. She got a bit better after the surgery, but gradually over the months she was declining in her health once again. 

She ended up in the hospital once again, this time she was on 24-hour watches. When the doctors informed you that there wasn’t anything they could do for her anymore, you started talking about a DNR. Your mom had a long talk with you, stating that she left everything to you in the will. “Sweetheart, I know you have big dreams and I want you to follow them all. Please don’t let keeping the store get in the way of that. I love you, and I want you to live your life for you, okay sweetheart?” That evening you had cried in her arms as she signed the DNR form. 

Your mom was in the hospital for another week when the day you had been dreading came. The day you got the call from the doctors saying that your mom wasn’t going to make it to the end of the day. You closed down the store and rushed to the hospital, wanting to spend her last moments together. The rest of the day you spent by her side, holding her hand, and telling her your favorite memories together. You had balled your eyes out as the heart monitor's beeping started slowing down, eventually dying down to a continuous beep. The doctor came in to turn off the machine, and sent his condolences your way, before leaving you to say your last goodbyes. 

You didn't know where to go when you left the hospital, walking around aimlessly, until you found yourself at the Avengers Compound. You decided to ring the doorbell, since your subconscious led you here and you really needed to rehydrate. A woman's voice sounded over the intercom, "Avengers Compound, who is it?" You quickly wiped your tears as you saw a camera was pointing at your face, "Ehm, I'm Y/n Stark, I'm here to see my dad." 

The voice stayed quiet for a moment, "Very funny, do you have ID to prove that?" You reached into your pocket and held your ID up to the camera. “One moment, I’ll be right with you.” A minute later the door was opened by the woman you knew from the news as Black Widow. “Hi, I’m Natasha. Sorry about that, you don’t want to know how many kids come up here claiming to be one of our kids, in hopes they can enter the building.” With a small voice you replied, “It’s okay. Is he here?” Natasha shook her head, “No, but I’ll let him know you’re here. Come on, I’ll walk you to the common room.” She led you to the couch and offered you a drink. 

While Natasha walked to the kitchen to get you a glass of water, all the emotions that came with losing your mom came to the service. You put your feet up on the couch, bringing your legs to your chest. Your head leaning on your knees as tears start streaming down your face once again. Natasha walks back into the common room with the glass of water and notices your state, she takes a seat next to you on the couch. “Hey, what’s wrong? I know we just met, but no one should go through these kinds of emotions alone. May I hug you?” Without saying anything, you lean into Natasha. She was right, you had just met her, but you really needed the comfort. You felt Natasha’s arms wrap around your shoulders and hold you tight. “My mom.” You say with a shaky voice, “I just lost my mom.” You cry out. Natasha moves one of her hands to rub small circles on your back. Natasha knew what loss was and felt for the stranger in her arms. She wanted to bring you comfort, the way she wished she had gotten.

It wasn’t until later in the day, when you had calmed down, met some of the other Avengers, and settled down on the couch watching a movie with them that your dad got home. He didn’t even notice you there, so Natasha spoke up. “Tony, did you get my messages?” She said while moving her eyes between him and you. That’s when his eyes fell on you, “Oh, y/n, hi. What are you doing here?” It felt kind of awkward to be in the same room as your dad and it not being a restaurant. “Mom, she. She passed away earlier today.” You wipe away the tear that fell down your face quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry, y/n.” His phone rang before the conversation could continue, “I have to take this.” He stood up and walked away. Natasha gave you a sympathetic look, “Come on, I’ll get a room ready for you, and you can stay the night.”

You didn't sleep much that night, but who could blame you. Your mom just died, and your dad seemed to not give a shit about it or you. Reluctantly you got out of bed and put on the clothes Natasha laid out for you. Making your way to the kitchen, you were hoping that your dad would be there for you. Once you got to the kitchen though, your dad was getting ready to leave. "Ah good morning, y/n. I've got to pick up the kid, I'll be back later." And once again he was out the door. 

Sitting down at the counter you stare blankly ahead of yourself. Wanda and Natasha find you in the kitchen after their morning work out. Wanda is the first to sense that something is wrong and approaches you. "Hey, y/n, how are you holding up?" Wanda had experienced her own loss with her parents and brother, all those feelings came back to the moment she heard that you had lost your mom. "Who's 'the kid' my dad is referring to?" Wanda takes no time in answering your question, only making you believe that your dad calls this person ‘kid’ all the time. "Peter Parker, or as you probably know him, Spider-Man." You divert your eyes once more. Moments later Natasha places a plate of food in front of you, "I'm no chef, but I hope it's good." 

You all ate in silence, you were grateful for their comfort. "Hey, is there any way either one of you can bring me to the hospital? I need to figure out some things and sign some papers. I was going to ask my dad, but he's too busy." They both agreed to come with you, and even went into the hospital with you. You reached for Natasha's hand as the doctor spoke to you about the next steps. 

After filling out all the necessary forms the doctor sent you on your way, since it had been a couple hours and it was around lunchtime now you asked the women, "Do you want to grab a quick bite? As a thank you for both of your support today." Wanda checks the time before saying, “I’m sorry, I’d love to, but I have to head back. I’ve got a few meetings this afternoon.” You look over to Natasha. "Yeah, let's do it. Only because I'm hungry though, not because you need to do this to thank us, I was happy to go with you." You both hugged Wanda goodby and headed to a nearby restaurant.

During lunch you spend the time getting to know each other better. She told you about her hobbies and what it was like to be an Avenger and you told her about your hobbies and the bookstore. "I have the rest of the day off, if you want to go by the store and make sure everything is settled there, since you left in a hurry yesterday." Natasha offered. "Are you sure? I'd really like that, but only if it's not too much trouble." Of course, it was no trouble at all, Natasha was enjoying getting to know you better. 

At the store you spend some time on putting the money in the safe, which in your haste you didn’t even do, and some paperwork. Natasha was walking around the shop while you were finishing up. “It’s a wonderful place, y/n. You and your mom did an incredible job, I’m sure she is so proud of you for wanting to keep the store running.” You thanked her for her kindness before printing out a sign saying you would be closed for the next week.

Walking out of the store you got the sinking feeling that you were going to go home to an empty house. “Do you think I can stay at the Compound for another night?” You ask Natasha shyly. “Yeah, of course, do you want to grab some clothes before heading back?” At your front door you freeze with the keys in your hand, unable to unlock the door. “May I?” Natasha asks softly. You hand her the key and she opens the door for you. She takes your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, letting you know she’s there with you. After grabbing some clothes you make your way back to the Compound.

When you arrived back at the compound, you heard laughter coming from the common room. You recognized one of the voices to be the one of your dad, so you walked in. “Oh hey, kid, meet my daughter y/n.” Tony introduces you. “Y/n, this is Peter.” It was painful this morning hearing that your dad called another person ‘kid’, a nickname he used to call you, but the sight of this broke you even more. You turned on your heels and walked in the opposite direction. To your surprise your dad called after you, “Y/n, don’t leave.” That snaps something in you. “Don’t leave?” You ask, raising your voice slightly. “Isn’t that exactly like you did? You left me because you didn’t have time to keep me safe, and now I see you’ve just replaced me with another kid that you took under your wing. Why can you take care of him, but not of me?” Tony stood up. “Peter is different, he has powers, he can protect himself.” 

“That’s bullshit, Natasha doesn’t have powers and she’s an Avenger, she can protect herself. And what about Clint, Yelena and Kate? Not to mention you yourself. They can all protect themselves. All you had to do was teach me how to protect myself, but instead you left.” You didn’t wait for a response and continued walking toward the room Natasha had let you stay in. “What was that all about?” Tony asks Natasha. “Man, I knew you could be oblivious, but seriously? She just lost her mom, the only person she has had to depend on. Wanda and I went to the hospital with her today to make arrangements, because you were too busy talking with Peter.” She turned to Peter, “No offense, Spider-Boy.” And with that Natasha followed you to the room. 

“I’m so sorry about him.” She said as she walked into your room. You shrugged, “It’s fine, I don’t know why I expected more.” Natasha said down on the bed next to you. “Want to watch a movie, to get your mind off of everything?” You lifted the blanket for her to join you. About fifteen minutes into the movie, you lean into Natasha, Without a word, she wraps her arm around your shoulder. Not long after your eyes closed and you slept for the first time in weeks. 

Your dad might not be there for you the way you wanted him to be, but you were glad you came here and got to meet Natasha. From the first time on that couch in the common room, you had felt a connection with her, a connection that had only grown stronger over the hours that you had known her. A connection that you knew was only going to continue growing.

Part 2

[starmosaics]

Mars in the 8th House pt. 2/3

If you haven’t read the 1st part here’s a link to the original post :)

Today I’m focusing on transformation, life and death situations and possible struggles with mental health and substance abuse.

Those with Mars in the 8H frequently face unforeseen events in their life which catalyzes incredible changes. Some of these events are catastrophic. These people can completely alter their lives by brute will or they will be met with challenges which push them towards making necessary changes.

Common events I’ve seen/experienced that pushes an 8H Mars towards transformation:

-Death of a loved one, loss of any kind

-Near death experiences

-A breakup/divorce

-Overcoming addiction

-Releasing/healing trauma

-Inheritance

There’s many times where these people feel isolated and left in the dark; some may feel like they’ve lost everything even their sense of self. Many 8H Mars individuals have experienced and been exposed to very difficult and painful events which is one of the most challenging aspects of this placement. Life has its ups and downs and for these people, that’s never ending. The most important thing is that they are so persevering and are quite determined to follow through to reach the other end after facing difficulties. I’ve seen people with this aspect go through hell and eventually got out of that dark place and became a totally different person; shedding one’s skin. I myself feel like I have already lived 10 different lives. The 8th House forcefully causes one to experience changes within their mental state, physical bodies, or spiritual lives; the 8th House can quite literally strip your identity causing you to have to completely build yourself up again.

These people may feel like they got the short end of the stick when it comes to certain situations that they've been dealt leading them to succumbing to their fears and experiencing chaos and disheveledness leaving them feeling trapped, but something to remind these folks is that when they feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, the closer they are to transforming themselves or an area of their lives along with gaining grit and profound wisdom. The 8th House wants you to go inwards, identify the parts of yourself or your life you can't face, to take the reins and evolve. Sometimes it requires metaphorically (sometimes literally, but hopefully not) dying first to become reborn.

T/W: Abuse, substance use, heavy topics mentioned!!

In terms of an 8H Mars’ mental health, there’s quite a distinctive pattern. As we’ve established earlier that what kind of experiences these people might face, the events that alters one's life naturally will heavily impact one's mental health. I know 4 other people with this placement (along with myself) who have some form of psychiatric disorder; most commonly Bipolar disorder, Paranoia, MDD (major depressive disorder), and BPD. Many have experienced events (commonly during childhood, teen years, and early twenties) that lead to signs/a diagnosis of CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder).

Substance abuse is also very common to those who have this placement. Either a family member of theirs struggled with it, or they themselves did. Everyone I know who has this placement including myself has either had a family member who struggled with addiction, or have personally struggled with addiction; sometimes both. 8th house represents something you inherit and unfortunately sometimes it's the inter-generational cycle of addiction. Substance use disorders and mental disorders are sometimes heritable. This isn't meant to scare you or make you feel bad if you have faced any battles with substances. Addiction doesn't have to be your whole life story, just a chapter. Those who I know who previously struggled with addiction and turned their lives around are happier than ever.

Here are some famous people with an 8H Mars that struggled with their mental health and substance abuse:

-Marilyn Monroe (Alleged Bipolar disorder, substance use disorder)

-Robin Williams (MDD, substance use disorder)

-Amanda Bynes (Bipolar disorder, abused stimulants)

-Sid Vicious (Showed signs of personality disorder, substance use disorder)

-Drew Barrymore (Substance use disorder, MDD)

-Courtney Love (Substance use disorder, Autism)

-Lil Peep (Bipolar disorder, substance use disorder)

-Anthony Bourdain (MDD, substance abuse)

More than half of these famous people also struggled in childhood due to the impact of their family members; Marilyn Monroe had a traumatizing childhood and was living in multiple foster homes and orphanages due to her alcoholic and schizophrenic mother being unable to care for her, Amanda Bynes facing sexual abuse by Dan Schneider as a child, Sid Vicious' mother was neglectful and gave him hero*n when he was a teenager, Drew Barrymore had a mother who influenced and fueled Drew's coca*ne and alcohol addiction before she was even 15 years old, and Courtney Love's father was deemed to be unstable and a horrible father. He allegedly gave her LSD as a child and also physically abused her when she was 17 after visiting him in Ireland.

I don't want to fully air this story out, but I had a friend who was like a sibling to me and their dad abandoned them during their teenage years and their mother was unable to work due to her schizophrenia and substance abuse; she would have us pick up cigarettes and get drugs for her when we were 16/17. This friend has experienced a lot of pain and is still struggling with their own demons and mental health and i'm no longer in their life due to their choices and influence on me, but I still think about them all the time. I wish them the best and hope they eventually find their way back to themselves. They're one of the smartest people I've ever met.

In my own personal life, my dad was never in the picture and my mother (who I believe also had an 8H Mars) struggled with mental illness and substance abuse, so I lived with my grandmother, who I eventually found out also abused substances, but was more "stable". After my mom passed literally from alcohol deteriorating her body when I was 17, I decided I had to keep distance from my family and moved out as soon as I could and since then my life has totally changed. I heavily smoked weed from the ages 16-19, I'm addicted to cigarettes, I am very wary about my alcohol consumption, and I inherited my mom and grandmother's mental illness. If it weren't for my upbringing, I wouldn't possess the wisdom I have today. Yes my childhood was fked up, but it made me immensely resilient. I have experienced life and death literally and metaphorically many many times.

I'm not saying that if you have this placement you're bound to struggle with addiction and have a tragic life story filled with trauma and pain, but unfortunately a more common thing I see in those who do have this placement have struggled with trauma, substances, abuse, and family dynamics. And like I said with the transformational aspect of the 8th House, many people overcame their demons and traumas. There's always an option for recovery in any scenario which is also associated with the 8H, and sometimes destruction (Mars) and chaos is needed for rebirth. In a less extreme manner, 8th House Martians may just struggle with generalized depression and anxiety.

Another thing I've noticed about those with an 8H Mars placement is that they let their anger seethe until it eventually boils over leading to an outburst. They may experience super intense meltdowns due to not healthily coping. Emotional regulation might be difficult for these natives in general.

On one end Mars rules destruction, conflict, death, assaults, and violence. On the other, it represents ambition, overcoming, exertion, determination, encouragement, strength, one's ability, and facing fears.

If you have an 8H Mars and faced any of the struggles above or anything similar and need someone to talk to you can always message me! I want this post to encourage the people who may feel stuck or are in a rough place that they can overcome whatever is thrown at them. Remember crisis comes first, then evolution and finally, total transformation. <3

In the 3rd and final part we'll go over struggles within intimate relationships 8H Mars folks might face and "taboo" topics these natives might enjoy.

[fantasyescapes17]

Wings (Part 3)

Your debut in society was as spectacular as one could be, but nobody had prepared you for what came afterward. When you find yourself overwhelmed during your very first season and unable to keep up with the rat race to secure yourself an eligible husband, a curious mentor appears- in the form of notorious flirt and self-proclaimed rake, Mr. Kim Mingyu.

Genre: Mingyu x Female!reader. Regency!AU. You are Jeonghan's sibling so your last name is Yoon but the reader has no other physical characteristics.

Warnings: Discussions of social anxiety, kinda sleazy Baron, smoking (don't smoke kids, the characters in this story are from a time when they didn't know how bad it was for their health)

Word Count: 6.1k+

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5

Series Masterlist [You WILL need to read Patience, the earlier installment in this series first in order to understand the character dynamics in this story. Reading Candle before this is also strongly recommended.]

You were determined that the Hessington's ball would be your grand societal redemption. 

You spent most of Saturday preparing yourself physically and mentally for the evening ahead. Mr. Kim had written out a list of potential conversation starters, compliments, and other helpful notes and tips for you to practise with. You read and memorised his notes thoroughly. Mr. Kim's bold penmanship had almost become more familiar to you than your own handwriting. 

Your first foray into London society had been clumsy and poorly thought through. But you were reborn, you had learned from your mistakes, and you could not possibly be more prepared. 

Of course, there was one small aspect of your life that no amount of preparation could ever help you overcome.

"I insist on continuing to chaperone you myself," your mother announced firmly. 

You bit your lip. "Mother, there is really no need-"

"There is every need," she said. The carriage rolled down the street towards the Hessingtons' manor with only the two of you in it. Your brother and sister-in-law would be attending the ball but to avoid your mother's ire, they rode in a separate carriage. 

"Jeonghan is very well suited to make introductions for me to the eligible gentlemen," you protested weakly.

"I will not hear of it. Why should I trust that man to find you a good husband? He certainly did nothing useful for your elder sister. Now, I have heard that Baron Wright is on the lookout for a bride. He was courting Miss Hong earlier, but naturally she ruined herself so he is very much available."

You blinked. You had heard of Miss Hong's misfortunes from your sister-in-law. 

"Was he not the one who spread the rumours that ruined Miss Hong?" you demanded. 

Your mother frowned. "And why should that matter?"

You were silent. It was no use arguing with your mother. She always had to have the last word and frankly, it was easier to simply let her have it. 

The carriage rolled to a stop and you took a deep breath as you descended. The familiar nerves and anxiety in your chest slowly began to build when you saw the number of fashionable people walking towards the entrance. 

"Don't lean on your left leg so much," your mother hissed in your ear. She had seized your arm in a painfully tight grip. "If you limp, people will ask questions. Stand straight."

Your mother's death grip on your arm was not helping your breathing. You forced a smile on your face as the Hessingtons welcomed you at the entrance of the manor. Their ballroom was smaller than the Grahams' and consequently felt less intimidating but more suffocating. 

Your mother's fingers dug harder into your arm. 

"You look flustered," she hissed again. "People will notice. Relax and smile prettily, not as though someone is forcefully pulling your cheeks apart."

Your chest felt tighter and tighter. 

"I am trying-"

"Miss Yoon! Mrs. Yoon!" a gentleman's voice greeted you loudly. 

It would be an understatement to say that relief flooded through every single cell of your body at the sound of Mr. Kim Mingyu's voice. His deep voice and charming smile was to you what a lifeboat would be to a man drowning at sea. Your shoulders relaxed and you beamed up at your handsome saviour. 

"Mr. Kim," your mother greeted him with a simpering smile. "How lovely to see you."

He nodded politely at your mother. "And you, madam. But I confess nothing can be more lovely than seeing your daughter. May I have the pleasure of your first dance, Miss Yoon?"

You did not give your mother the opportunity to interfere. You instantly placed your hand in his. 

"Of course, Mr. Kim."

He smiled and whisked you away from your mother just in time to join the dancing that was about to begin. Mr. Kim was a considerate dancer. You allowed him to take the lead and he leaned closer to speak to you in a hushed tone. 

"Not a great start to the evening?" Mr. Kim asked you gently. "You already look a little worried."

"My mother is not helping," you admitted with a sigh. "With her chaperoning me, I have a real voice in my ear to criticise me in addition to the one inside my head."

"I consider it my duty to help you silence both voices," he replied with a grin. 

"We may be able to silence the one in my head yet, but my mother? She is beyond even your capabilities, Mr. Kim," you teased him. 

Mr. Kim looked playfully affronted. "Do you think I am unfamiliar with your mother? You forget that I have years of experience orchestrating your sister's social appearances. Indeed, I am one of the few men responsible for preventing your mother from making her a match. I shall be very disappointed if your sister and Seungcheol do not have a special mention for me at their wedding reception."

You giggled. "Perhaps they will. But I hope you will not employ the same tactics with me. We are not aiming to ruin my prospects. I intend to find my husband."

"We can find you a husband while also keeping your mother away from you."

"An ambitious goal. If you can achieve it, then you shall certainly have a special mention at my wedding reception," you promised him. 

Mr. Kim grinned down at you. 

"I have a certain magical touch when it comes to these matters," he replied. "Look! It is your first dance at tonight's ball and you are already dancing marvellously and having a normal conversation with me. I dare say you look almost confident, my dear Miss Yoon."

You stared up at him. While wrapped up in Mr. Kim's smooth words and following his comfortable lead, you had almost forgotten that you were in the middle of a crowded ballroom with people watching your every move.

"I feel relaxed with you," you admitted. "But I must replicate this success with other gentlemen before I can congratulate myself."

"I promise you shall. Now; our dance will come to an end soon, and I think it is important that we choose your next dance partner carefully to prevent any relapses."

You glanced around the room nervously. "I think my mother may expect me to dance with Baron Wright this evening. She was talking about him earlier."

Mr. Kim's eyes widened. "Terrible idea. I think you should start with someone simpler- allow me to make the necessary introductions. Mr. Wen Junhui is a businessman and he travels frequently in Asia with his business partner, Mr. Xu. He delights in talking about his travels. If you can only ask him a few polite questions about them, he will talk about them long enough to keep you occupied for the entire dance."

You took a deep breath. The idea of dancing with anyone other than Mr. Kim was nerve-wracking but you had to do it. You trusted him; his advice had not failed you so far. 

The dance came to an end and you followed Mr. Kim off the dance floor. He swiftly and expertly led you away from your waiting mother and towards a pair of gentlemen that stood near a refreshment table. 

"Mr. Wen! Allow me to introduce you to Miss Yoon. She is the youngest sister of Mr. Yoon Jeonghan and I have taken it upon myself to find her next dance partner," Mr. Kim said brightly. 

Mr. Wen was a handsome man with a friendly countenance. 

"It would be an honour to have your next dance, Miss Yoon," he said. 

You accepted his hand nervously. It was not as easy as it had been with Mr. Kim, and it was difficult not to let the nerves overwhelm you. You noticed Mr. Kim watching you carefully from the corner of your eye. He gave you an encouraging smile. 

You can do this.

You had to give Mr. Kim credit where it was due. He had a knack for these things, and Mr. Wen proved to be a perfectly safe choice for your first dance partner. Junhui was an exceptional dancer and enjoyed talking about his travels in Asia. 

You only really had to smile and nod through the dance. Mr. Wen spent most of it excitedly telling you about some exotic dance performances he had witnessed while touring Japan and a safari where he had seen lions and elephants up close. He did try to politely ask you about yourself, which was the only brief moment when you sensed that the conversation was entering dangerous territory. 

Mr. Kim was watching closely from the corner of the ballroom and you remembered the notes he had prepared for you. You took a deep breath and used some of his clever one-liners, carefully placing the conversational ball back in Mr. Wen's court so that you did not have to keep it going. 

"Thank you, Miss Yoon," Mr. Wen said once you finished the dance. "That was a wonderful dance."

"Thank you very much, Mr. Wen. I enjoyed it as well."

He left. You were so thrilled by your success that you simply stood alone for a moment and revelled in your achievement. You had done it. You had made it through an entire dance with a gentleman without stumbling, stuttering, or making a faux pas. 

This was, in comparison to your first ball, a resounding success. 

"You seem pleased," Mr. Kim remarked with a grin as strode up to you. "I presume that went well?"

"It went excellently," you gushed. "You were right. I did not need to worry so much about the conversation, as long as I knew the right words to encourage him to do most of the speaking. And since the conversation was flowing smoothly I only needed to focus on my dancing."

"No dangerous thoughts?"

"No dangerous thoughts," you confirmed happily. 

Mr. Kim opened his mouth to respond but he was interrupted by the arrival of your mother. The mere sight of her caused your smile to fall and the situation was worsened by the fact that she was accompanied by a tall and imposing-looking man. 

"My dear!" your mother gushed. "You must come see who has asked to be introduced to you- Baron Wright himself!"

Baron Wright's eyes landed on yours. He reached for your hand and lifted it to your lips in a way that made your skin crawl. "Miss Yoon," he said silkily. "It is a delight to make your acquaintance. I have heard so much about you. You are certainly this season's most awaited debutante."

His words were somewhat familiar and you realised that you had heard them before- in your own voice, reading them out in front of a mirror from Mr. Kim's notes. 

You forced a smile. "Thank you, Baron Wright."

"May I have the pleasure of the next dance-"

Mr. Kim interrupted him with a polite  smile that did not reach his hard eyes. "I am afraid that pleasure already belongs to me, Baron Wright. Miss Yoon has promised this dance to me."

Baron Wright's smile faltered. "I believe you have already danced with Miss Yoon once this evening."

"And I intend to dance with her again."

"Then perhaps the next-"

Mr. Kim cut him off rudely and extended his hand to you. "Come, Miss Yoon, the music is beginning."

You were wide-eyed and numb from the shocking encounter. Mr. Kim whisked you away quickly for another dance and you looked up at him in shock. "Mr. Kim! How could you be so rude to a Baron?" you demanded in a hushed tone. 

Mr. Kim raised an eyebrow. "Was I?"

"Exceedingly so?"

"Good. I have the displeasure of knowing Baron Wright better than I'd like. A man who maliciously ruins the lives of others is not one whom I care to be polite to."

Your voice softened. "Oh yes; my sister-in-law mentioned that you were good friends with Mr. Jeon Wonwoo. I imagine you were part of the group of gentlemen who attempted to prevent Baron Wright from creating the scandal."

"I was," Mr. Kim's voice was hard. "He was rude and unreasonable. Viscount Hong offered him a tremendous sum of money but the Baron insisted on spreading the rumour anyway."

You swallowed. "But my mother is quite set on him."

"I am sure you will be able to manage even the likes of Baron Wright soon enough," Mr. Kim told you gently. His dark gaze softened as he looked down at you. "But for now, I would recommend that we keep him at a distance."

"Understood. Thank you."

As you danced, Mr. Kim told you more about how Baron Wright had single-handedly ruined the lives of both Mr. Jeon Wonwoo and Miss Hong by spreading a rumour that they had been caught in a compromising position at the Duchess’ ball. The pair had been forced to enter into a loveless marriage and leave London due to the scandal. You could tell from Mr. Kim’s tone that the story pained him. He evidently cared greatly for Mr. Jeon and worried about him. 

“It is such a horrible thing to hear about,” you admitted with a sigh. “I am shocked that Miss Hong was strong enough to bear it. To be caught in a scandal would be my worst nightmare.” 

Mr. Kim sighed. “Indeed; the irony of the situation is that they were not even lovers at all.” 

“Would it have made a difference if they were?” 

“If they had truly been lovers then they would not have gotten caught in a compromising position so easily,” Mr. Kim told you with a chuckle. “Wonwoo’s lack of experience and intent was his undoing. If he had truly wanted some time alone with a paramour then I would have been glad to point out a hundred different places he could have done so without being caught.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him. “And you are the resident expert in such matters?” 

He grinned mischievously. “Surely you have not forgotten that I am a rake? I know I often act like a gentleman but really, Miss Yoon, you should not allow my charming manners to fool you.”

“I think,” you said thoughtfully as you looked up at the man in front of you. “You are a gentleman who acts like a rake, and not a rake who acts like a gentleman.”  

“Is there a difference?” 

“I believe so.” 

Mr. Kim seemed content with your assessment. You observed that while he was not frivolous by any means, he seemed to take everything that people said about him in a light-hearted spirit. The dance came to an end and you were approached by your sister-in-law. Mr. Kim greeted her warmly before moving away to converse with Jeonghan. 

Your sister-in-law took your arm and pulled you aside. She was smiling. 

“You seem to be almost a different person than you were last week,” she told you brightly. “You are glowing.” 

You pressed your gloved hand to your cheek, embarrassed. “Am I?” 

“You are. You looked beautiful dancing with Mr. Kim earlier. I don’t think I have ever even seen you smile so brightly! It was certainly very different from your dance at the Duchess’ ball. Mrs. Patty and all those old crones were talking about how you were the belle of the ball and I even heard a few gentlemen say that they could not wait for their turn to dance with you.” 

It was high praise indeed. You tried to stay calm. 

You bit your lip and nodded. “I think the credit goes to Mr. Kim. I am not sure why, but I feel entirely comfortable in his presence. He seems to understand me very well."

Your sister-in-law's smile stiffened a little. "You seem to have grown quite close with him."

"Perhaps I have."

"Are you in love with him?"

Your eyes widened at the sudden question. "No!" was your immediate answer, before you paused to actually consider it. You glanced at Mr. Kim out of the corner of your eye. "At least, I do not think so. I do trust him but that is partly because you trust him. And as I mentioned before, I feel quite relaxed and comfortable with him unlike with other gentlemen."

She nodded. "I see."

"Do you think I am in love with him?" you asked anxiously. "Did you feel comfortable and relaxed with my brother when you met him?"

Your sister-in-law looked mildly embarrassed. "I… would not say that comfortable describes our early interactions very well. I found Jeonghan more thrilling and exciting than comfortable."

You tilted your head thoughtfully. "I don't think I find Mr. Kim very thrilling. I must not be in love with him, then."

"Perhaps not," your sister-in-law replied simply. 

Your conversation was brought to a halt by the approach of a familiar, imposing-looking gentleman. Baron Wright had made a beeline for you. Horrified, you turned towards Mr. Kim Mingyu for help; but Mr. Kim was facing away from you while he spoke to Jeonghan and had not noticed the Baron at all. 

"Miss Yoon," the Baron greeted you in his silky tone. "I was unable to secure your company for the previous dance. Will you join me for this one?"

Your eyes widened in panic. You glanced at your sister-in-law but even she could think of no way to save you from the Baron without causing a scene. You could not possibly refuse his request for a dance without being shockingly rude. 

Your heart dropped into your stomach. 

"Y-yes," you said shakily after counting to five in your head and realising that nobody was coming to rescue you from this situation. "I-it would be a pleasure."

The Baron took your hand. His grip was strong, much stronger than it needed to be and you realised to your horror that the dance was a slow waltz. His other hand placed itself firmly and uncomfortably on your back. 

Your skin crawled. 

"Miss Yoon," Baron Wright began as he led you into the dance. His steps were too fast; it was difficult to keep up with him. "It seems you are one of the most desired young ladies in the room. Most of the ton is talking about how you made a mark during your presentation in court."

You were not listening to him. His words were like white noise in your ears. It was sinking in that you were not only dancing with one of the richest and most influential gentlemen in the room. This was the man who had reduced Miss Hong- confident, beautiful, fashionable, rich Miss Hong- to a mere joke, a subject of the ton's ridicule. He had unsympathetically and single-handedly ruined a Viscount's sister. 

What could he do to you? 

Anything. 

It was sheer terror that caused your hands and knees to tremble as you tried to keep up with the dance. His steps were quick and you recoiled from his unpleasant touch. 

"Miss Yoon?" he repeated. 

"Y-yes?"

 "I was talking about your presentation in court."

Your throat was tight and you could hear his voice only faintly over the sound of your heart pounding in your chest. 

"M-my presentation," you said quickly. "Yes. It… it went very well."

"I know. I was there."

"Oh."

It was all ending. Baron Wright would tell everyone that the younger Miss Yoon was a babbling fool, that she could not keep up with a slow waltz and could barely hold a conversation and your prospects would be ruined and nobody would marry you and your sister, your poor, dear, unmarried, longing-for-Mr..Choi sister….

The anxiety spiral had reached its peak. 

"Miss Yoon?"

Your eyes snapped up to look at the Baron again. 

"Y-yes?"

"I asked how you are finding London. I imagine your first season cannot be easy," the Baron said simply. 

You tried to remember what Mr. Kim had taught you. What had he said to do when you were spiralling into anxious thoughts of your sister? Something about a happy thought, a pleasant memory, a pony…

It was useless. You could not even remember what Chocolate the pony looked like. What popped into your mind's eye was not a distant memory Chocolate the pony from when you were ten years old, but the clear fresh memory of Mr. Kim Mingyu.

Mr. Kim's charming smile, the way his eyes twinkled playfully down at you and the way his warm hand felt in yours. His familiar, clean scent and how his mere presence put you at ease and relaxed your nerves. You could almost see him now. 

You could almost pretend Baron Wright was Mr. Kim.

It did not come naturally. The two gentlemen looked very different, but you only had to look in the Baron's direction while allowing your mind's eye to take over. You told yourself that this was Mr. Kim's hand in yours, that he was the one standing in front of you with a cheeky smile and teasing you about your first season in London. 

"London," you said shakily. "Suits me very well."

Baron/Mr. Kim nodded. "I imagine it can be quite daunting for young ladies such as yourself."

"I certainly prefer the countryside since I grew up on the estate and spent most of my childhood there. But I cannot pretend that country life has any of the excitement that London provides. They each have their own virtues."

"Spoken like a diplomat."

"What do you prefer, sir?"

"I rather like London. As you said, it is filled with excitement and I spend most of my time here. Once I am married, however, perhaps I will retire to my country estate to be with my family more."

You wondered what Mr. Kim's estate was like. You knew he had one, but you had never asked him about it. 

"Tell me more about your estate," you said. 

You listened in silence as Baron Wright began to talk about his grand countryside estate and his manor with thirteen bedrooms and large hunting grounds. Your heartbeat was no longer out of control. There was still a tight feeling in your chest but it had become manageable and you concentrated on your steps to keep the dance going smoothly.

The dance finally came to an end. The Baron did not release you immediately and you almost had to squirm your way out of his grasp and walk away from him. 

Mr. Kim was standing near the wall of the ballroom. He was looking right at you, his dark eyes filled with a genuine worry and concern as he walked towards you briskly.

"I am so sorry," Mr. Kim said to you in a low voice. "I did not see him, I should have intervened. Are you all right?"

You avoided his gaze. 

"I need a smoke," you mumbled. 

Mr. Kim's expression softened with understanding. He cleared his throat and then whispered to you quickly and furtively. "Walk out of that door and go down the hallway. Third door to the right is a balcony. I will join you in two minutes."

You nodded and swiftly followed his instructions. You emerged onto a deserted balcony and took a deep breath of the fresh air. It was a few moments later than Mr. Kim emerged onto the balcony with a cigar in hand. 

You took it from him silently. Your hands were trembling so Mr. Kim lit it for you and then leaned against the railing as he watched you you take a long shaky, drag and exhale into the cool night air. 

"I assume that it was not easy," he said quietly. 

"No," you admitted. 

"You seem to have emerged from the lion's den without too much trouble. I was watching from the sidelines; you did not appear too flustered towards the end. I even saw you speaking to him. How did you keep the anxiety under control?" he asked.

You glanced at him out of the corner of your eye. Mr. Kim seemed genuinely worried about you. 

"I did not," you said before taking another drag from the cigar. The shaky exhale helped relax your nerves. "The anxiety spiralled as it always does but I was… I was able to distract myself from it with a pleasant thought."

Mr. Kim nodded appreciatively. "Ah, yes. Chocolate the pony. Excellent. I am glad that worked."

You looked at him for a long moment? Should you tell him? Should you tell him that it was not thoughts of a godforsaken pony that had grounded you and calmed you but him? 

You had been completely open with Mr. Kim from the beginning. From the start you had confessed to him all your fears and insecurities and worries. 

But this… this seemed different. For the first time you felt as though what you had done to cope with Baron Wright was simply too personal, too intimate to reveal to Mr. Kim. For the first time, you feared how he might react to this particular revelation. 

"Yes," you said simply after a long pause.

Mr. Kim was smiling as he pulled another cigar out of his coat pocket and lit it for himself. "Well, this is certainly a cause for celebration! I expected that it would be weeks before you could make it through a dance with someone like Baron Wright, but you managed it quickly! My pupil has far exceeded my expectations."

You smiled at him shakily. "Your pupil almost had a nervous breakdown in the middle of a crowded ballroom."

Mr. Kim's eyes twinkled. "But the key word is almost."

"I imagine this bodes well for my matrimonial prospects," you replied. "But I would still like your continued support during the upcoming balls."

"Of course. I still have plenty to teach you."

You nodded. There was a brief, comfortable silence between you as you both stood against the balcony railing and smoked. Mr. Kim folded an arm across his chest and then turned to look at you curiously. 

"Can I ask you a question, Miss Yoon?"

"Certainly."

"I know that you primary objective this season is to secure a husband so that you can clear the path for your sister to marry Mr. Choi. But did you never hope to find love for yourself? I know most young ladies dream of finding true love."

You bit your lip and shrugged. "Perhaps I did dream of finding true love at one point. This is not how I imagined the process would be, though."

"How did you imagine it would be?"

"I expected that the process of getting to know a gentleman and falling in love with him would be more… natural? Organic? Certainly not filled with forcefully induced conversations and awkward  encounters and scheming and…" you paused and pulled out the notes that Mr. Kim had made for you from your skirts. "...rehearsed compliments. How does one fall in love if every word they speak is rehearsed as though it is all a play?"

Mr. Kim grinned. "You would be surprised how many ladies have fallen for those compliments."

You shook your head. "This can't be how one falls in love. Surely. This is merely a pantomime that one performs to find a husband or wife."

"You may have a point," Mr. Kim replied. "It is all a game. One can hone their skills at a game with practice and develop expertise, as I have done. But love… that is not a game."

"Do you not wish to marry?"

Mr. Kim tapped his cigar on the railing and blinked at you thoughtfully. "I have no need to marry. My parents have both passed away. If they had been alive they may have insisted upon my marrying, but in their absence…"

"So you wish to remain a bachelor forever?" you asked. "Are you quite set upon bachelorhood?"

"Not at all."

"Then you might be persuaded to marry?"

"I have yet to find someone with such persuasive capabilities," Mr. Kim said with a chuckle. "But I am afraid in our society the burden of persuasion is upon the gentleman. So the situation may never come to pass."

"Perhaps not."

Or perhaps it will. 

—----------------------------------

With the passage of time, it became increasingly difficult to deny that you were falling in love with Mr. Kim Mingyu. 

It was a natural outcome. As the busy London social season progressed over the weeks and months, he became an almost constant presence in your life. 

Mr. Kim was rarely far from you at any social event. You danced multiple dances together and he helped manoeuvre you out of tricky situations with your mother and other gentlemen. Finally, you both shared a secret cigar in some balcony or stolen corner of a garden at the end of each night. 

You had grown used to him, gradually, slowly, almost imperceptibly. Mr. Kim with his charming smiles and playful presence and intuitive remarks had wormed his way into your heart. It took his sudden absence- looking around a ballroom and finding him not there for you to realise just how much of your thoughts and being had started to centre around him. 

"Mr. Kim?" Jeonghan replied when you asked about him at the Duchess of Graham's garden party. "Oh, I do not think we shall see him today. He is quite busy these days with the opening of his new art gallery."

"Ah; of course!" your sister-in-law cried. "The grand opening is in two days!"

You nodded. Mr. Kim spoke about the gallery often. He was a patron of the arts, as he called himself; you took this to mean that he enjoyed artwork and often sponsored struggling young artists. His new gallery was an attempt to find a way for less privileged artists to display their artwork where it could be admired by more elite members of society. You respected Mr. Kim's intentions.

"Yes- we are all invited," Jeonghan replied. "It should be a rather interesting event. I know Mr. Kim was worried that he would not be able to open it before the season ended."

You nodded. "I am glad he will."

Jeonghan turned to you with a sigh. "While we are on the subject of the end of the season… how fares your search for a husband, sister? Your mother has been trying to distance me as much as possible from the process. But some gentlemen have approached me to express an interest in you. Is there any gentleman to whom I should grant my approval?"

Your heart sank. It was true; the season was ending, there was barely a fortnight left. You were running out of time to secure a proposal. It was not due to a lack of interest from the gentlemen of the ton, but due to your own reservedness and failure to encourage anyone that you had not received any definitive proposals. 

"Who has expressed interest?" your sister-in-law asked Jeonghan curiously. 

"Mr. Hessington and Mr. Carter both asked if I  believed my sister was partial to them. Not to mention Baron Wright has asked me multiple times for an audience this week. I have been putting him off."

Your eyes widened. "Baron Wright?"

Jeonghan nodded. "I am sure he means to ask for my permission to propose. He has certainly expressed a lot of interest in you despite how difficult Mr. Kim makes it for him."

You bit your lip anxiously. You had to secure a proposal before the season ended but the thought of marrying Baron Wright made you miserable. Nor did Mr. Hessington or Mr. Carter inspire any more positive feelings in you. 

It was beginning to occur to you that you did not wish to marry any of these men. 

Jeonghan noticed your miserable expression. "Sister? Is something the matter?"

You forced a smile and nodded. "Yes, I… I am thirsty. I shall be back with a glass of juice."

You stood up and walked away. The garden party was held at the Duchess of Graham's vast and beautiful gardens and there were many attendees. You had to pass by Viscountess Hong and Miss Ella Williams to reach the refreshments and the Viscountess called out to you. 

"Miss Yoon!" she said brightly. She was a kind woman with an almost motherly presence. "It is rather unusual to see you at a social event without Mr. Kim trailing behind you. Ms. Williams and I were just talking about how this season's belle of the ball has managed to bewitch the ton's most notorious rake!"

You blinked at them in surprise. "Oh… no, Mr. Kim is just very kind…"

Miss Williams giggled. "Yes, excessively kind indeed! So kind that he must dance multiple times with you at every event and goes as far as to snatch you away from other gentlemen!"

You could not blame them for misunderstanding. You forced a smile and nodded. "Well, yes… but Mr. Kim is quite a determined bachelor."

"By which you mean he is a rake," Miss Williams giggled. She suddenly lowered her voice and beckoned you to come closer to her. "I shall show you a secret, Miss Yoon, since I find myself rather fond of you. Do you see this little book? I have been keeping a record of all the bachelors of the ton for a while now."

You peeked at the little book she showed you. It was crammed with multiple pages of small, intense handwriting. 

"I have a page for each gentleman," she continued to explain. "Two for Mr. Kim since I could not fit the list of ladies that Mr. Kim is said to have courted in one page. Do you see it here?"

Your eyes widened at the list. It was not short. 

"O-oh," you said, your heart sinking. 

Viscountess Hong frowned at Miss Williams. "I am not sure that Miss Yoon quite understands what you mean by showing her this, Ella. You had better explain yourself."

Ella's eyes widened. "Oh! I apologise, Miss Yoon, it was not my intent to discourage you! Quite the opposite. It had become quite a habit of mine to add a new name every so often and it occurred to me the other day that it has been months since I had added a new name to the list! You can see here- the very last name is yours, which I added at the start  of the season."

You blinked down at your name at the end of the long list. Viscountess Hong looked at you with a warm smile. 

"I will not pretend that I am a fan of this list Ella keeps," the Viscountess said with a sigh. "But it is certainly something to think about. I am sure if any young lady had to choose where on that list she wanted her name to be, she would choose the last spot."

Ella giggled. "I do hope you receive a proposal from him soon, Miss Yoon. Not only because I am running out of pages in my book, but also because I think you shine quite brightly when you are with Mr. Kim."

It was becoming too much. The courtship was false, Mr. Kim was only your mentor, you would go so far as to call him a friend, perhaps, but he had never expressed an interest in being anything more. He had certainly never indicated an interest in marriage. You had suppressed all your hopes and thoughts of the future and simply enjoyed the time you spent with Mr. Kim. 

But these women did not realise that they were giving you a dangerous sort of  hope. 

"Thank you," you said politely to the women before leaving. You went back to your sister-in-law. She was seated alone now, as your brother had walked away to speak to some other gentlemen. 

"Are you all right?" she asked you. 

You shook your head miserably. Your hands were trembling. "I think I have done something that you will consider me very, very foolish for having done."

Her expression was gentle. "And what is that?"

"I think I have fallen in love with Mr. Kim."

She did not seem surprised. Her hand reached out to grasp yours comfortingly. She lowered her voice. "My dear. There is nothing foolish about falling in love. It happens to all of us, each in our own time and in our own way. The foolishness is only regarding what we do with our feelings."

"And what shall I do with mine?"

She bit her lip. "I cannot pretend to know Mr. Kim's heart. You must find out for yourself what it is."

"How shall I do that?"

She laughed. "You show him yours, my dear."

—--------------------------------------------------------

[nayatarot777]

how do people view you in public?

• pile one •

cards: 2 of wands, 4 of cups, 3 of cups, {8 of cups at bottom of the deck}

overall, the public could view you as someone who is difficult to reach in some way. although you may be seen with your friends having a good time in certain places, there’s still a prickly energy to you. it’s subtle but it’s there. like you don’t actually want to interact with or care about the external world outside of yourself and your friends. you seem to be purposefully disconnected from people who you don’t know, but clearly having a good time with the people who you do (when you are around others). there’s an energy of exclusivity coming from you in public. like it’s hard to get into your energetic field. you’re very choosy with who you give energy to, but the people who you do give energy to clearly are blessed to have you around.

you also don’t seem like the type of person who wants to follow a group of people. you could stand out in some way, even if you’re in a group of your own friends. i keep on hearing that you seem decisive over and over again. this could be perceived by the way that you look, the way that you walk, speak, etc. the public assume that you like to be left alone to be in your own world, doing what you need to do throughout your day.

if you’d like a private reading, please check out my pinned post ☺️💞

• pile two •

cards: 7 of wands, 3 of cups, the lovers, {7 of cups at the bottom of the deck}

the first thing that i’m picking up on is that you’re viewed as someone who is very defensive of their friends/whoever you’re out with. defensive and protective. i’m seeing you staring down or calling out someone who’s being visibly creepy or disrespectful to your friend/loved one. no fucks given. you seem to look like the type of person who’s willing to fight to protect and defend the people who you care about lmaoo. some of you could be known for getting into fights with people over disrespectful behaviour too 👀. i think that your reputation is that you really don’t play about your friends and/or family 😂. overall, the public doesn’t really know how to take you. because you’re clearly someone who’s very loving, but you’re picky with who you choose to love and care about. and you show love to people in profound ways. so people can’t really call you a bitch and act like you’re just rude. because you’re not. you just have certain standards. overall, people don’t know too much about you, but they can see that you’re definitely multifaceted. to the point where they can’t really put you under a label. i also heard that you “seem like a fever dream” whatever tf that means.

if you’d like a private reading, please check out my pinned post ☺️💞

• pile three •

cards: ace of swords, 3 of swords, the stars

for some reason i’m picking up on quite a few of you who live with physical disabilities or ailments that are obvious and visible to other people. if this isn’t a visible physical disability, then it’s a visible mental health condition - i’m mainly seeing severe depression. someone who is visibly depressed and struggling mentally. despite the public seeing whatever pain is visible on your face or in your body, there’s also an energy of you being extremely “healing for the soul”. you seem to bring a lot of peace and much-needed comfort to others. you stand out for something that makes you endearing. your energy is very young and inclusive. so the public may be able to tell that you’re someone who’s extremely open minded, being able to speak to any type of person. you seem very kind, especially in small interactions with others. like retail/customer service workers, anyone who may need help in public, children, etc. your smile is very healing. your chiron and midheaven might be in easier aspects to each other in your chart (conjunction, trine, sextile).

if you’d like a private reading, please check out my pinned post ☺️💞

[camille-lachenille]

Was thinking about just how much characters in the Silm and LOTR deal with pain an injuries on a daily basis. It’s not always said plainly but they exist in the story, they live, they are important, and I wonder how much of them are inspired by Tolkien’s own experience of war injuries/illness. How many of his fellow soldiers came back home disfigured and disabled and were faced with disgust or contempt?

Sure, there’s the whole fairy-tale/mythic aspect of loosing a limb in your heroic quest to get the Magic Object, but what about Gwindor, who was captured by Morgoth and, when he finally managed to escape, was so changed by his sufferings that his beloved rejected him? Gwindor’s not a hero, he’s a simple soldier who suffered through war and captivity and became disabled because of that. How much pain did he live with daily even if it’s never said on the page?

And, still in the CoH, there’s Brandir the Lame. He was born disabled, couldn’t be a warrior, yet held a position of power until his people wanted action and scorned him. Brandir is a healer, a man of wisdom and lore; how much of it is because he tried to cure himself? To ease his pain but also try to "fix" himself in the eyes of his people and be the worthy leader he thought they wanted.

There is Sador ‘Labadal’ too, who chopped his foot off in an accident and is looked down for that by several character (not the least of them being Morwen).

These three characters are all disabled and looked upon with pity, contempt or outright disgust. They did not become disabled in the doing of great deeds, their stories aren’t heroic, and so their disability makes them worthless in the eyes of many.

If you take Maedhros, on the other hand (pun fully intended), he is seen as made greater by his disability. He suffered unthinkable torments and was freed at the price of his right hand, and did many great and terrible things after that. It is similar for Beren, who also lost his hand (arm chopping is not a love language!) but it always portrayed as a good and heroic character, because his disability is the direct result of him taking part in the great designs of the world rather than a banal accident.

And that’s only for the Silm characters, because we don’t want to forget about Frodo of the Nine Fingers, who bore the One Ring to the very fires of Mt Doom. Frodo who returned home sickly and traumatised, plagued with chronic pain, nightmares and a poor health and was only looked at down by the hobbits who did not take part in the quest if the ring. Frodo may be a hero for Men and Elves but he has little to no recognition in his homeland.

Another character I nearly forgot (shame on me!) is Celebrían, She was captured and tortured and despite her physical wounds healing she was never the same again, to the point she had to leave her family to seek healing elsewhere. I see this as a form of mental illness, probably depression and PTSD. And Celebrían is not thought as lesser because of her disability. She is seen as a tragic story, yes, but it’s better than most of the other disabled characters in the Silm.

Anyway, I don’t really know what my point is here, just that I noticed a pattern in the representation of disabled characters in Tolkien’s works, first of all that they exist at all, and second that how they are treated certainly reflects the views of society on disabled people during Tolkien’s lifetime. The way he writes disabled characters isn’t perfect, far from it, but they are here, and I, as a disabled reader, am immensely glad for their existence and I play in the gigantic sandbox of the Legendarium with these characters and others whom I imagine as disabled in any way.

[weebsinstash]

So fandom specific posts are to follow eventually, but this is going to be a general concept. I've been thinking A LOT on alternative takes to the red string of fate trope and I started wondering about a hypothetical idea of the strings changing in appearance based on the current health and mental well being of the person they're attached to, even to the point where the strings do not properly appear if you're in bad mental health

For example, some of these AUs have the string where you have to think about it to summon it whenever and you can follow it as long as you want, and some have the string only appear when you are within a certain proximity to your other half

First and foremost, what if, when your string appears, you could make it vanish again at will. Not like permanantly, but like, say, if your string keeps appearing and you don't want it to be used to track your physical location, you have to concentrate similar to using a specific muscle and you can "force them back" so they can't find you. Just imagining the growing frustrations of a yandere who has to wait until you fall asleep to even make progress on your actual location because otherwise it's, them summoning your string for about .5 seconds before you notice and shut that shit off immediately, like two people on opposite ends of the room both toggling switches for the same light

But anyways, back to the alternative appearance strings, could you then imagine a scenario where, your yandere has their string appear and after a certain length, it changes colors for the rest of the strand, signifying your string and your own well-being, and the color immediately signifies something incredibly serious and worrying to them that immediately has them speeding to your side to check on you even if they've never met you before, regardless of if it's a couple blocks over or if they have to follow that string across the world. And then you can pair that with the "string blocking" idea and you have an extremely frantic yandere who is freaking out, "my soulmate is in trouble, why won't they let me come help them?! This is why they need me!!!" Amd they KNOW you are deliberately holding them off so, whatever aspects from that, whether it's a sadistic yandere who is amused by your spunk, or a nurturing yandere who automatically takes this as affirmation that you're just a sweet nervous little bean who needs their guidance, look at you being so scared of your own soulmate you silly little goose--

I only have two alternative colors, technically three different ideas total, but, I considered the idea of someone's string slowly turning white and becoming more visibly frayed if someone is seriously ill and or dying, eventually snapping and disappearing upon true death, and I thought it would be interesting if this "physical health symptom" also manifested for suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation. Your yandere has your half of the string appear connected to theirs and they IMMEDIATELY know you're in trouble and they come to find you at all costs and you're... so depressed you can't even be excited to meet them and may even still want to die and just tell them to go away. Your yandere all but kicks down your door, "honey I'm here and I'm ready to love you!

Continuing from that last point, the other idea I'm really growing attached to that is probably my favorite is the idea of the BLUE string of fate: a string that appears on someone who is currently not within the right mental state to be in love or needs some sort of help or time to heal from a trauma before they are ready. Your other half tries to summon their string? The other end of it cuts off mid-air and hangs off their hand, leading nowhere, useless, unable to be followed, only a couple inches of blue their only hint if they even have a soulmate at all, but it can't lead them to you, driving them crazy who you are and where you are

I also considered the idea for alternate colors if two people are soulmates but they have, shall we say, an alternative dynamic? Like you could also technically use the blue string (although i personally think green or elsewise for this example would work better) for like, two aromantic people who are platonic soulmates or that have some incredibly strong nonromantic nonsexual love for someone? Or if you had, say, an aroace or just aro person and their soulmate was an allosexual of some kind. Idk it just sounds intriguing to play around with the concepts since you know, there's more than just romantic and platonic love and it can be an extremely nuanced feeling and love also doesn't inherently translate into sexual desires as another aspect and in this essay I will--

Either way, I feel like once I interact with certain tropes for another years, I wanna start throwing some seasonings in there. Spice up this bitch and saute it. I'm out here giving ABO a broader range of vocalizations to the point Omega can make clicking "distress call" noises to signal for help when trapped or injured. I'm over here "what if scenting could be done with any physical touch and the nature of the scent can be intentionally controlled to convey certain feelings so your yandere Alpha could give you a friendly shoulder pat and suddenly you're walking around with Don't Touch My Mate Or I'll Fucking Kill You scent all over you and you have no idea"

I just. Final thing. Can you imagine being in the same room as your yandere and, THEY KNOW they feel some sort of attraction to you they can't explain, but you dont really talk or make any effort to interact with them, and one day you overhear your yandere talking about how they don't have a soulmate yet and they summon their string and half of it is blue and here you are, subtly sneaking out of the room, staring down at your own cobalt thread and wondering, "am I.... THEIR...?"and deciding to intentionally keep it a secret, but eventually you two grow close enough or, someone says something to you that opens your heart and let's you love yourself enough that, a tiny voice inside of you is like "yeah... I WOULD like a partner to spend time and laugh with, i want to koge and im ready to take the risk" and your yandere literally watches your string, and by extension the string on the other end of theirs, completely change colors and finally fully connect, so then you have the slow burn, kind of one sided pining that absolutely explodes in intensity once your yandere finds out it was you all along

Just might be a couple of fun concepts to play around with in the future. You guys know I love drama...

[shawtythatluvsurgut]

gunna have a video of me feeding my feedee up on my onlyfans soon. i’m thinking about starting it back up while i take a break from college because it was kind of empowering to get to own my kink in such a way. I also enjoy sharing that side of myself with all of you. subscription price will be between $8-$10/mo since my feedee is going to be collaborating with me on certain pieces of content. i will maybe begin gaining again once i get my health back in check, we’ll see. i want my muscle mommy build back, and to get that back i’ll have to pack on some weight. so we’ll see what happens with that. ;)

in the meantime and between-time, stay safe. especially on the internet. all of my old rules still apply for messaging me, but i will gradually get back to making regular content and posts. now that i am taking a break from school, i’m working more, but I also have free time on my hands when i’m not working. it feels really nice to get back into the swing of things. I’ve missed you all and I’ve missed the positive aspects of this community.

going forward, i’m just going to block people who talk shit to me or delete their comments (unless it’s of actual importance to discuss). i’m just done engaging with that shit. idk, i’m on new medication that seem to be actually working and i feel stable, so i feel ready to re-embrace this community with open arms.

a special thank you to everyone who continued engaging with me and communicating with me during my break. i appreciate all of your kind words more than you know, and if i didn’t respond to you it was because i didn’t want the answer to “hey how are you?” to be “i’m miserable. how are you?”. but I saw all of you - each and every message, comment, text, etc. - and i just want to say thank you. the people who still proceeded to message me with positivity are the reason I have decided I want to come back.

With all that being said, I hope you will all accept me back. I understand that some of you were upset that I left and didn’t understand my reasonings, but I hope we can reconcile our differences and i can gain your trust again. I’m not the angry person that I became when responding to hate messages, and that also influenced my time away. I could see that my demeanor on this hellsite was changing and I was getting more upset, angry and, honestly, afraid of going on here (let alone posting myself on here). However, that has changed. I’ve been working on being more optimistic and caring less about the negative opinions of others. Frankly, if someone doesn’t like me or my content they should just be an adult about it and either reach out to discuss that or ignore me. If they can’t do that, I believe they are childish and need to get a grip. There are some key things I’ve learned in life that I want to share with people who are as I described above:

- your comfort is not someone else’s responsibility. if it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t engage. It’s as simple as that.

- no one has to cater to your interests. everyone lives on their own agenda. your wants and desires do not take priority over the wants and desires of others. sure, there are some people who will cater to your every wish, but i’m definitely not one of them.

- similarly to above, your desires do not take priority over someone’s health. that includes both mental health and physical health. (death feedism is a thing if you are interested in someone wanting to gain while not caring about their health. this is not a death feedism page and i suggest you go search in the tags for that if it is what you are looking for. I do not want to kill my feedee, nor do I want him or I to gain enough weight to become immobile or at risk in any way. As hot as the idea is to me at times, we are both too active and work in active careers for that to be a realistic possibility for us. maybe someday i’ll get a stay at home job and get really big, or maybe someday he will. only time can tell. sorry for the length, i’m high. i’ll stfu now.

- people don’t care. no stranger online owes it to you to care that you don’t like their body, or that you don’t like this or that. it doesn’t matter because that person does not know you. there’s no point in wasting time caring about your negative comment unless it’s actually useful and constructive commentary.

So anyways, i’m back in business again. gonna post some FA art soon + start uploading to my OF again. I thank any of you who read this far and again I hope you can accept me back into the community.

Thanks,

Nico

[learnastrowallura]

💚The 6th House in Astrology💚

The source if this information is The Astrology Podcast (Chris Brennan) on Youtube and from the book The Twelve Houses: Exploring the Houses of the Horoscope by Howard Sasportas and I will add a personal example as well

6th house: healthcare, medical field, service, jobs, work, employment, subordinates, staff, coworkers, superiors, skills, pets, animals, duty, order, structure, boundaries, limits, routines, plans, tasks, stability, mundane, practicality, necessity, schedules, maintenance, adjustment, health, illness, injuries, surgeries, weaknesses, visible physical issues, bad fortune, cadent, Mars

6th house ruler can show us which type of physical illness we could potentially deal with if we have a negative 6th house; particularly during transits activating 6th house placements as well as 6th house profection years (a negative Mars in 6th house could indicate accidents for example)

How we deal with matters of physical health; are we the type to be cautious or are we reckless with it, are we organized or hectic in the mental aspect (mental health matters are actually ruled by the 12th house but here I mean if we are able to plan well or not) as well as in relation to our routines, our relationship with or how we treat people who work under us/subordinates (the 6th house in ancient times used to describe slave matters as well), our demeanor when working under someone as well, coworker relations, our attitude pertaining to helping people and receiving help, our skillset, how we approach general everyday tasks such as cleaning, work tasks, whether pets are important to us or not, etc

Personal example: Aries in 6th house+ North Node in 6th house

Yeah so as with recreational activities and creative endeavors (Aries 5th house) I pretty much go with the flow every single day and do whatever I want regardless of the consequences 😅😭 I was never really able to stick to a routine or anything it seemed unnecessary and too much of hassle to be honest. And honestly this got me thinking... since I have Aries in my 6th house, would I not be more initiative in these matters? Since Mars rules my 6th house yk? But taking into account the fact that my Mars in in my 12th house, and that my South Node (comfort zone, what I need to move away from in this lifetime) is ALSO in my 12th house, it is perfectly logical; I take action in my head lmao and in the tangible material world I'm like nahh this is boring. The results are always more exciting than the work that has to be done to get there, aren't they!! Anyway lately I have been tackling this by not really having a set routine BUT having a set of daily tasks that I MUST do and that will benefit me in the long term, whether in matters related to physical health, business, spending time with family (babies <3), or even working through limiting beliefs that prevent efficiency and trusting my own capabilities

As for my skillset my initiative in the workplace or in uni (again when I really have to lol) really proves to be an asset, I am also always ready and able to ask for and receive help so there's that, checklists are my enemy I really prefer being spontaneous and compromising if I am working with someone, if I were someone's boss I'd be pretty chill imo, if I were working under someone I'd do my job swiftly; probably before they even finished telling me what to do, and yeah you get the idea

This wassss pretty fucking chaotic but I've had a long day so 😭 sorryyyy

Comment down below your 6th house sign, planets and aspects

Thank you for reading <3

Paid readings available

Masterlist

x

[monstrouslyobsessed]

life updates and then some

oh dear, i've been gone for quite a long while, huh? i'm so, so sorry and i really, REALLY do appreciate all of your concerns and sweet messages! it's heartwarming to know that my works are still being loved even in my absence. yall deserves some explanations so ima get right in it.

mild cw ahead: bizarre financial abuse (?), depression, and nongraphic medical concerns.

these past few months were pretty rough, especially with the financial aspects, personal matters, and my health, both mental and physical, had been going downspiral to the point that my writing had become complete nonexistent and that i lowkey hated every word i put down. i won't get into too much of details, but the short of it, an estranged family member (and trust when i say they are estranged for very good reasons) pulled a fast one via some kind of legal fraud (???), which hurts my financial situation and impacted my ability to pay bills. im still a huge wtaf over it, i won't lie, but it is something getting sorted out atm via official and legal means (fun times to be had!!!). im incredibly lucky to be living with a very understanding person though who also got very angry on my behalf so don't worry about my current living situation.

health wise, doctors found something wrong with one of my organs but they couldn't determine the issue. since then, life had been a struggle.

with my health was the first thing to start for me, it's nothing fatal or too life altering, fairly mild imo (so say i with stupidly high pain tolerance, apparently), but it's kind of something i need to keep aware of with my consumption. but boy tis was not fun living with discomforts with my own body for a while. rest just fell into places afterward, unfortunately, but that's how the life go--you'll always have your ups and downs, just cherish the present while you can.

anyway, i can't promise i'll be posting regularly again given my situation(s), not as on a semi-frequent schedule, which absolutely does make me sad because i really do love making monsterfucker contents, not just for myself but for you lovely readers as well. hopefully i'll be back sooner than later. that said…

i do have a super overdue commission i'm going to post very soon! just got one last scene to get through (it's currently at 8.1k words....!) and get it edited and make it pretty--and bam! it'll be done and posted. so do look forward to that, at least.

heck, i'll leave yall with this teaser line at the start of the final scene!

“Let us give them quite a show, hm?”

just gonna...get through pron writing lmao <3 yet again, thank you all so very much for caring and i really do miss you and your kind words. please take care of yourselves, lovelies!

in the meantime, i'm going to clean out my blog a bit and i'll try to reply some of your asks later too. if you have anything random, asking for advice, or anything related to my ocs or my aus, ask away. my inbox is always open for yall <3

[tarotfairy0919]

TAROT FREE READINGS UPDATE AND RULES

Hello, angels!♕˚ʚ♡ɞ˚👼🏻Your tarot fairy here🧚‍♀️!

I'm really excited to declare a FREE TAROT READING session OPEN. I'll be offering only 5 slots for this month in order to celebrate the thrilling milestone of opening this brand-new blog.

I will be offering FREE TAROT READINGS every month so be sure to keep an eye on the blog. The number of slots available will grow with every month that passes. »•» 🌸 «•«

Before that, here are some types of tarot reading that you can ask about:

🎲 general readings

💕love readings

📈career and finances readings

👩‍❤️‍👨 compatibility of 2 people(famous or not)

🚑health readings

🔮week/month/year ahead evolution

RULES FOR FREE TAROT READINGS(PLEASE READ WITH ATTENTION)

⋆.°🧸๋ྀི࣭⭑Request fairy dust(send your request in the ask box). Please do that as the DM part will be hard to keep on track sometimes.

⋆.°🧸๋ྀི࣭⭑Follow, share/reblog my content or this post, and help me grow my community!❤️

⋆.°🧸๋ྀི࣭⭑Provide me details when you ask your question(date of birth, initials/nickname, any specific/special event that happened in the past week/month). Any requests that don't have the required information WILL NOT BE ANSWERED!

⋆.°🧸๋ྀི࣭⭑Give me a FEEDBACK - this is MANDATORY as I would like to know if the reading helped you with your situation(If you want to request again next time, I'm going to ask kindly to give at least one feedback).

⋆.°🧸๋ྀི࣭⭑Your request must contain only 1 specific question.

🕰☕📜I will NOT answer questions such as: when I will die, future readings more than one year ahead, or medical movements. Things can change from month to month so for a precise and correct reading focus on a maximum 1 year period and important aspects of your life.

🕰☕📜Be patient, please! The tarot reader is working on your reader and needs time to give you a correct and viable reading(Also keep in mind that sometimes the platform can have some problems and maybe your request hasn't been received)

🕰☕📜Don't be upset with the reading or the tarot reader if the situation doesn't sound as you would like. Be open-minded and think that maybe it's a signal for you to be careful about some aspects. Things will always improve!

🔔🔔🔔🔔REMEBER! 🔔🔔🔔🔔≽^•༚• ྀི≼

ALL RULES must be respected to receive a FREE TAROT READING. If not, your request will be ignored or deleted.

Anonymus question WON'T BE ANSWERED. You can get your paid reading if you want a private and more detailed reading(other details about PAID READINGS will be posted soon on my blog)

Not following the rules will lead to being unable to participate in a free tarot reading session.

Unfollowing me after receiving your reading will lead to you not being able to participate in any reading or game on this blog!

I reserved my right to not answer a question(this will happen if you don't respect my rules, my boundaries, or if there is any sign of lack of patience or politeness).

Stay safe and wish you only the best!

Your tarot fairy🌸🧚🏻‍♂️✨🤍

Disclaimer: Tarot isn't an exact science so any of the readings have a purely light-hearted purpose. These readings are not a substitute for medical professional help. Don't base any important life decisions on tarot readings only. I'm not a physician, medical expert, or psychiatrist. If you are facing mental or physical health issues, seek urgent professional advice, and don't rely only on tarot readings.

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Also, every donation is welcomed. -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔﾉ♡ oopsie you already reached the end ʕ•ᴥ•ʔﾉ♡

[markantonys]

episode 5 thoughts!

heartbroken by no mat, but i was expecting it since min wasn't credited for this episode on imdb, and there was so much other amazing stuff going on, so i can cope. i do think they must be gearing up for a mat-heavy episode soon because his content has been so sparse thus far! we also didn't have lan this episode, which i'm good with since he got so much last week.

(minor imdb casting spoiler: ayoola isn't listed for ep6, so i'm guessing we may have no perrin next week. they definitely do have a lot of different groups to juggle! but IF mat & lan soon join the cairhien crew, we could condense things)

also sad at not much elayne, but again, the remaining episodes will probably be pretty big for her! same with egwene, that storyline didn't progress as fast as i'd thought it would in this episode, but OOF the preview for next week looks like A Lot!!

back to the beginning! falme looks SO COOL!!! and the opening scene with the seanchan was fantastic, it showed off so many different aspects of their culture in just a few minutes (namely their various Ceremonial Things and ideas of who's allowed to speak to whom)

lanfear just whispering "bitch" the second she revives killed me djkfjg what an icon. and we get confirmation that it is indeed the True Power that she used to revive herself.

Lanfear Unleashed is SO much fun oh my god, i love seeing her in full forsaken mode

moiraine telling rand that he can't sleep because lanfear will get him, girl don't tell him that he's going to internalize it and not sleep for the next 6 seasons. this season is really Wheel Of Time Origins: Rand's Various Emotional, Mental, and Physical Health Problems

elyas saying the ef5 aren't perrin's pack HOW DARE!!! i feel like they're making elyas even more standoffish/human-averse than he was in the books, which makes for an interesting dynamic and contributes to perrin's sense that his human & wolf sides can't coexist.

but hopper follows perrin!!!! the goodest boy!!!!!

AVIENDHA IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S EVERYTHING!!!!! although ngl her fake accent does sound a bit Fake to me lmao but i'm sure i'll get used to it after a few more scenes

hot dain bornhald is also here! he kinda compels me and i'm furious about it. if whitecloak why hot? in all seriousness, i can see already from his intro episode + the basics of his book story that he has the potential to be quite an interesting character if fleshed out more and given more screentime compared to what he had in the books, sort of a liandrin-and-alanna-like Main Secondary Whitecloak for us to follow

also he totally wants to fuck perrin you can't change my mind. buying him drinks and giving him a Cute Nickname, boy you ain't subtle! and then aviendha briefly hits on perrin later and also perrin stops her from killing dain. wake up babe, insane new WOT polycule just dropped djkfjfg

OB!!!! FREAKING!!!! SESSED!!!!!!!! with verin's detective subplot!!!! it is SO much fun, it delivers a ton of great exposition (namely about the black ajah), and it gives us a bigger peek into the brown ajah than the books ever did. i love this squad!! also katie leung was probably my first Girl Crush (not that i was aware of it) when i was like 8 so i was thrilled to see her show up here, god bless

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT GAVE US CONFIRMATION THAT GAWYN EXISTS IN SHOWVERSE!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH when i tell you i came extremely close both to screaming and to falling off my bed!!!! i'd been hoping for a gawyn namedrop all season but having it here was SO unexpected! my current theory is that he'll be introduced in caemlyn next season along with elaida and galad, and all 3 of them will head to tar valon to look for elayne because they're worried after not hearing from her for a long time.

also now i want a fic where the wondergirls actually do get special permission from mommy morgase to leave the tower just so that they can attend gawyn's birthday party

anyway, someday gawyn and egwene are going to kiss with tongue onscreen and haters can die mad about it <3 oooh now i have a brand-new meetcute for them to look forward to since they didn't meet at the tower!

liandrin & nynaeve's convo in the ways was so good! they continue to do amazing work with that relationship and liandrin's character. AND WHEN SHE SUBTLY FREED THE GIRLS RIGHT BEFORE LEAVING HOLY SHIT i gasped!!!!! the LAYERS they have given this character!!! because yes she serves the dark BUT she still feels loyalty to her sisters (as seen in s1 too when she appeared genuinely upset over kerene's death) and can't stomach the thought of any of them, even the light-serving ones, being collared!

suroth saying with her whole chest "oh sure you're a forsaken but you're not even of the blood soooooo" god grant me her confidence. also another great illustration of the insane heights to which seanchan high blood take their superiority complexes. good god, what's tuon gonna be like?!

avi's fight scene was just as amazing as i'd been hoping and expecting!! 10/10 no notes. can't wait to see what she can do when she has weapons at her disposal!

and later avi tells us that she is out in the wetlands Looking For Her Man (that she doesn't yet know is Her Man) <33

moiraine saying "get rand some nice new clothes" and barthanes immediately offering to dress him, Sugar Baby Rand lives on! also, anvaere and barthanes definitely thought rand was moiraine's sugar baby after they cleared the warder possibility, you can't change my mind

also also, barthanes is so surprisingly sweet! i wonder if he'll still be a darkfriend, or if anvaere will be instead

lanfear making ishy dream about caressing rand's face in bed is something i will go insane thinking about every day until i die. like oh my god i don't even know where to START with unpacking that, so i won't even try djfkjg

like for real, they ALL BUT made it explicitly canon that ishy had/has a crush on LTT/rand LMAO it's what we deserve

and we get forsaken namedrops! moghedien, graendal, and "the boys." it could be that semirhage did still make it and lanfear just chose not to go on and on listing every single one (slash the writers wanted to give themselves some leeway in specifically naming forsaken in case they don't get enough seasons to deal with all of them), or it could be that one of the statues from last season was actually a man and/or stepin's statues aren't accurate, and we've got 5 men instead of 4 (in which case i'd imagine ishy, asmodean, sammael, demandred, and rahvin)

i'm gonna have to watch this ishy & lanfear scene again to pick up more because i was FAR too distracted by the initial homoeroticism to keep focusing lmao

aww i'm kinda sad not to get elayne & nynaeve hiding out in falme completely on their own, but for their sakes it's nice they've found (been found by) some Real Adults to help!

LANFEAR'S OUTFIT IN THE END SCENE LMAO this season really just went off the WALLS with horniness and kinkiness, and i am here for it. it's what rj would've wanted

now that moiraine and rand are indeed staying in cairhien after all, i really think we might get a cauthor reunion next episode!!!! fingers crossed!!!!

[rtofbs]

anxiety and astrology: theory

note: I'm neither a professional astrologer, nor mental health therapist, hence the below written content represents only my theory and based on my assumptions and feelings of the world. Take it as resonates, and feel free to comment. also, apologies for grammar mistakes and typos, hope the general idea is clear😝

anxiety is a feeling of worry that stems from fear of death of psychical self or Ego.

originally anxiety is given to humankind to signal that the danger is near, and it's better to run and hide to survive. it was intended to run away from real threats to physical Self. at its core and full essence, anxiety is a fear of literal death.

yet, as the world started to develop, the real threats started to disappear. instead, people started to grow perceived threats that has something to do with Ego, because now they fear the death of their Ego. bearing this in mind, astrologically it can be said that anxiety is associated with Moon, Mars and Sun at the first place. honorable mention to Mercury.

without going too deep and too details, it is possible to say that currently people get anxious in situations:

when there is a threat (be it real of perceived) to die. the anxiety around this might play out as being hypochondriac depending on aspects and house placements. given the fact that anxiety is given to identify thread and run away from danger, astrologically, i'd say that people with weak Mars (harshly aspected, debilitated) can get anxious from the thought of being not able to defend themselves in the face of danger, that will lead to the death - crushing of Sun. - Mars in Libra, Taurus, 2nd house, 7th house, 4th house, harshly aspected by Pluto, Uranus and perhaps Saturn. Pluto in Libra. - Moon in Scorpio, Aries, Capricorn, harshly aspected by Saturn, Pluto, Uranus.

where they are dependant on someone or something, because they give their safety and their independence to someone else will. it makes the brain to think that there is a danger since you are vulnerable, and can do nothing since the deciding power in other person or situation hand. and by danger I mean perceived threat of death. Moon governs over our sense of safety, and the Moon is receptive and feminine placement that is felt first by child when they were in their mothers womb. Moon gave them security, Moon gave them everything, and they loved this enmeshment. it is always difficult to grow from your Moon to Sun, but Sun will demand it. Moon represent where you are dependent because it reflects the Sun and is opposing planet of Saturn, both planets representing authority. this can also explain why some people get too religious and they fear punishment and pray for redemption. - all Moons prone to anxiety revolving around being dependent party, especially badly aspected by Venus, Pluto, Neptune, Jupiter and perhaps Saturn. Moon 1st house, 8 house, 12 house. - Venus in Scorpio, Aries, Virgo, 8th house, 1st house, 6th house, 12 house, harshly aspected by Neptune, Pluto, Saturn, Moon, Neptune.

where they are highly stressed. high level of stress is associated with anxiety because the hormone cortisol and adrenaline raise up, making their brain to think that there is a danger. and again by danger I mean perceived threat of death. - weak, debilitated Mars, harshly aspected by Saturn, Pluto, Uranus. - badly aspected Saturn, retrograde Saturn. - all of the Moons, special mention to Moon in Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, in 8th house, 10th house, 11 house, 6th house, 12th house, badly aspected by Saturn, Mercury, Uranus, Pluto.

when there is a threat to something or someone they hold dear to their heart, because it has something to do with your ego. values, likes, priorities, goals. everything important to you. in situations that threaten something precious to them that they are afraid to lose, afraid that someone will take it and violate it.

fear to lose, fear to get humiliated, fear to be abandoned, fear to be left behind, fear of rejection, fear of not been seen, hear, accepted, fear to miss, fear to be hurt -> because all of this will crush an Ego, it will be a death of Ego, and anxiety is up up up. - Sun in Libra, Aquarius, 7th house, 11 house, 8th house, 1st house, 5th house, 12 house, badly aspected by Pluto, Uranus, Saturn, Neptune, Jupiter. - Moon in Leo, Scorpio, Aries, Libra, Taurus, Aquarius, Sagittarius, 8th house, 1st house, 2nd house, 9 house, 5 house, 11 house, 12 house, badly aspected by Pluto, Uranus, Saturn, Neptune, Jupiter. - Mars in Taurus, Mars in Cancer, Libra, Pisces, 7th house, 2nd house, 4th house, 12 house, badly aspected by Saturn, Pluto, probably Uranus and Neptune. - Venus in Scorpio, Aries, Virgo, Taurus 8th house, 1st house, 2nd house, 12 house, badly aspected by Pluto, Saturn, Uranus. - Retrograde Pluto, Pluto in 4th house, 7th house, 2nd house, 5th house, Pluto in 12 house. Pluto in Libra.

also, when it comes to anxiety honourable mention to Mercury that makes people overthink increasing the anxiety, fear, and offering vivid images of what can happen and how this person might experience their death of body and Ego. Mercury should be afflicted as well by Neptune, Uranus, Pluto, Moon, detriment, and retrograde.

How to cope with anxiety from Astrological Point of View?

dear Me, and maybe whoever read this, - work on your Sun and listen to Saturn to reduce dependability on other people. Get independent and disciplined and take over the power of your own life because it depends only on you. Stop giving too much important on what others think. - light up your Sun to know who you are, where you stand, and be confident in what you are, where you are moving. Believe in yourself, especially that you can withstand any challenge that Uranus or Pluto or whoever else throws as you, because you are the King of your life. - at the same time humble your Sun so it doesn't believe that it is a God and can control everything -> it will only raise anxiety. Instead work on your Saturn. Saturn will help you to grow and take responsibility. ground yourself with Saturn, it will help you to humble your Sun, control the fears of your Moons, impulses of Mars, over indulgence of Venus, and biases of Mercury as Saturn is reality and the force that teach to accept this reality, accept this and learn to discipline and evolve as confident and capable human being. - work with your Mars and Pluto. Dealing with fear in the face of danger requires action. go to the gym, do active sports, do embroidery, beads, learn how to stitch, go get some sex, masturbate, sit with your fears, and most importantly finally go to therapy. Set goals and achieve them. And bring the power you gave to others when you were a child back to yourself. - work on your Mercury and teach it to identify where is the real danger and where is perceived. teach your Mercury to go through the illusions and fears imposed by Neptune. learn how to check facts, improve your critical thinking, learn how to work with informational resources on the internet, and don't believe every BS in the media that is intended to make you scared. - work with your Moon. don't repress your inner child, but don't get dependant on them. learn how to cope with your emotions, how to self serve emotionally and ensure that you are safe within yourself. learn to listen to your Moon and become their truest friend and most patient and fair parent. Improve your relationship with mother and all the female figures in the family. - make your Venus happy by giving yourself time to relax and experience the pleasures of this life, but make sure to avoid Venus over indulgence, laziness and indecisiveness, avoid Venus when she is trying to make everything peaceful even when the boundaries have been crossed. - listen Jupiter as it is your kind guiding light that will offer you moral compass to navigate thought life and will give you firm beliefs and principles. But don't let Jupiter arrogance and over promising blind you. And never allow your Jupiter make you rigid in mind. - learn from energies of Uranus to adjust and adapt to the rapid changes of life and to be open to the new ideas and innovations the life can offer. allow Uranus to open the whole world with its communities to accept you, but never allow that community define who you are and what you can become. don't lose yourself in the others. - finally, dream together with Neptune and listen how its kind heart that forgive others beats. listen how Neptune heart aches for humanity, how Neptune infuse you with the desire to unite with the Universe, surrender to the invisible forces. but don't allow Neptune to give you illusions, make you addicted to escapism, and never let him to remove all the boundaries you once had.

it will take time, because the fear of Death will follow us as long as we live, but let's find balance together. when you are confident, focused, disciplined, capable and balance - anxiety will give you right signals in the face of real threats.

Anxiety will be your friend that protects you, and not the enemy that tortures you. But if this is too much to dive deep, then go masturbate 😎

[pure-ablution]

How would you go about planning a glow up if you were starting from scratch?

Step 0: getting ready to start

If you’re starting from scratch, then before you do anything else, you need to be at a point of physical and mental fitness to proceed. There’s no point in diving into a makeover head-first if you have crippling agoraphobia or can’t walk 5m without ending up breathless. You need to get yourself to a very basic level of physical fitness; by this, I mean able to keep up on a short hike without needing a break, able to run for a bus, and able to dance with friends or at a nightclub. You need to be drinking enough liquids, and eating relatively healthy; not necessarily daily green juices and salads or whatever, but just not daily takeaways and oven pizza. Some people use this point to detox, and if you want to try that, then I personally recommend the 3-day cleanse from R’s Koso, but it’s not all that necessary at this point. You need to be free of addiction—whether that’s smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling, social media, sugar, whatever—and taking your medication for whatever conditions you might have; you can take this opportunity to have a medical checkup, if you like, and get diagnoses for problems that were concerning you. I’d also suggest getting a full blood and hormone panel done at this point, and taking your measurements for weight, height, body fat percentage, cholesterol, etc. You need to be sleeping a good 6–8+ hours every night, and your mental health needs to be at a point at which it doesn’t seriously hinder you from participating in life; so book an appointment with a psychiatrist, therapist, or pull out your journal, whatever works for you, but by the end of this stage, you can’t still be at the point where you don’t leave the house and just rot in bed. In order to execute a sustainable glowup, you have to be at a point of physical and mental health to keep up with it.

Step 1: making major changes

This is the point at which most people would benefit from weight loss, weight gain, or just general body recomposition. A change in body composition will drastically change your face—I’ve known obese girls lose weight only to find that they had an absolutely gorgeous bone structure lurking under there! My own face changed when I lost weight and gained muscle; my face shape changed from an oval to a heart, my cheekbones and eyes became more prominent, and the creases of my face around my mouth and nose totally disappeared. For this reason, I highly recommend working on attaining your dream body before you even start thinking about surgery or procedures such as filler. You have no idea what you’ll look like at your goal weight and body composition, so wait a little while before you decide.

This step can take up to a few years, depending on your goals when it comes to your body. In the meantime, though it might feel as though you’re in limbo, you can actually do a lot to multitask. I highly recommend booking an appointment with a well-regarded orthodontist, and having your bite realigned and your smile adjusted, which can also take a few years but, in my opinion, is one of the most important aspects of a makeover. Most people’s teeth, even if they look ‘good’ from the perspective of a layman, are actually misaligned in some way, and undergoing orthodontic treatment can entirely change your face all over again; my upper lip suddenly appeared much fuller once my overbite was fixed, and my jaw seemed slimmer with a wider palate to fill out the empty space. I always recommend getting your teeth fixed before you try any kind of surgery, especially, because the last thing you want is to pay for an expensive nosejob or whatever, and then find that your braces have shifted it out of joint later down the line.

You can also use the time in this step to begin really taking care of your skin and hair. I strongly believe that clear skin is attainable for everyone with the right treatment and approach, so book a consultation with a good dermatologist—preferably one who specialises in your skin type and concern—and start taking your skin seriously, whether that’s using prescription topicals or undergoing regular clinic treatments. Hair is another one, everyone can take care of their hair and I suggest doing some research to find a routine which works for your unique hair type. My method for improving my hair is detailed here, but your hair might require a different approach, since nobody’s hair is the same as another’s. In any case, consistency is the most important thing, and if you can stick to massaging and oiling your scalp 2–3 times a week, oiling your hair’s ends, sleeping on silk satin, and so on, you’ll find that the health of your hair will drastically improve. This step can also go for fake hair; if you want to invest in extensions or a wig, then go for it! Healthy-looking hair is healthy-looking hair regardless of whether it’s growing out of your own head, but do try to invest in the best possible extensions/wig/weave you can afford, or make it yourself if you can.

Lastly, I suggest taking this time to improve your skills, habits, and lifestyle overall. If you want to make that move to the big city, figure out a way to do it, and do it. If you want to start journalling, then start. I recommend using this time to improve your makeup and hair skills, gain qualifications which will open more doors for you—go back to school or enroll into university if that’s what you need to do!—improve your posture (book an appointment at a podiatrist!) and physical fitness, and begin understanding what you want in life, and where you want to go. You don’t have to wait until the ‘end’ of your glowup to begin mingling in a new social circle and making new friends; start now, so that you have time to figure people out and settle on what makes you happiest whilst you’re continuing your journey.

Step 2: refining what God gave you

At the end of the last step, if you’ve done it right, then you’ll have hopefully come out with clear skin, healthy hair, straight teeth, and a body to die for—as well as some truly excellent lifestyle habits! With all of the basics out of the way, you’re now able to see the wood from the trees, and properly analyse what God/nature/whatever gave you. Beforehand, you might well not have been able to see your face for acne, or been able to make out your features under a layer of fat, or just been too damn depressed to pick up a mirror, but now you can properly see what you naturally look like, and begin to make informed choices about what to do next.

This is the point when I’d suggest: getting your hair cut and dyed into a style that truly brings out the best in you; working out your style, investing in a high-quality (not necessarily expensive) wardrobe full of clothes that you love, and getting everything tailored—or altering it yourself—to fit you like a glove; finding a hair removal method that works for you, and keeping your brows in a dedicated style that suits your features; learning how to do your own nails, or finding a manicurist you love, and committing to regular (every 2–4 weeks) appointments; maintaining a consistent facial and bodily massage system.

This is also the point when you can begin to think about correcting any major deformities or asymmetries in your face. I’m not talking about “I’d love a slimmer neck” or “I really need bigger lips”—I’m talking about fixing a broken or disproportionately large nose, correcting strabismus, removing large birthmarks, undergoing jaw surgery if orthodontics didn’t quite cut it, and so on. This isn’t vanity, this is correcting something which may well impact heavily on your self-esteem and the way in which you’re perceived by those around you. Do your research, book a trusted surgeon or other highly-trained provider to carry out your treatment, and take the time you need to recover.

Step 3: smaller adjustments for a big impact

At this point, I can all but guarantee that you’re a gorgeous girl by anyone’s standards. You have a pretty face, good body, and silky, styled hair. Your mental health should be in tip-top shape by this point, and, with any luck, you’ll have found a social circle and an occupation in which you’re thriving. What next?

This is the time for vanity adjustments—very, very careful vanity adjustments. This is the stage when you risk going overboard, or getting botched. You’ve corrected what anyone would have agreed wasn’t doing you any favours, but now everything is much more subjective, and often, imperceptible. Tread very carefully, and try to find someone you trust to give it to you straight. The last thing you want now is to spoil all your hard work with overfilled cheeks or too much Botox! This stage is, basically, delicately refining what you already have—it’s not trying to turn yourself into a different person entirely, but rather, turning up the sharpness and brightness in tiny increments until you achieve what you want.

At this stage, I recommend almost universally: investing in laser/electrolysis hair removal for the areas you’ve consistently kept bare; using a serum on your brows and lashes; whitening your teeth with a safe and dentist-approved system; regularly going to a sauna or steam room.

You can also use this stage for less necessary, but nice to have, procedures. This could involve lash extensions, non-medical Botox, filler in your lips, cheeks, or anywhere else, or surgeries such as breast implants, fat transfers, liposuction to tackle stubborn areas of fat, etc. I’m going to say this, in case anyone takes this as a ‘list of procedures to book’—you do not need all of these. They are just some examples of what you might like to consider, in the context of your own appearance and personal goals. Most will likely be totally unnecessary and superfluous to your overall looks.

You might also want to consider some more unorthodox adjustments at this point. I know girls who have invested in elocution lessons, paid for custom-made perfumes, and changed location or religion in the name of their glowups. Identify whether there is something else, especially something separate from your physical appearance, which is holding you back, and look to fixing it at this stage.

Step 4: the finishing touches

This is about all I have to say on planning and executing a good makeover—if you’ve followed every one of these steps to the letter, I think it would be almost impossible for you not to be at the very best you can be. The important thing now is maintenance. There’s no point in paying hundreds to go blonde if you’re unable to pay for salon products and regular touch-ups, and equally, there’s no point in diligently undertaking all of these tasks if you’re unable to maintain your results at the end of it all. A makeover should be a sustainable lifestyle, not a temporary, drastic change. You need to figure out a way to consistently keep up with your workouts, your diet, your hair and skin, and so on; you can’t neglect your post-sugery aftercare, or your facial massage. Consistency is key, and I think it’s really the finishing touch to all of this. If you can keep it up long-term, then it’s no longer going to be a ‘glowup’—it’s the new you. That, in itself, can take some mental adjustment; it’s hard to look in the mirror and see a woman you don’t quite recognise! If you don’t properly adjust to your new look, there’s a chance you’ll relapse back into the old, familiar look you knew so well before. It’s crucial at this stage that you take the time you need to adjust and show yourself love and acceptance, and commit to maintaining yourself in this way.

[vizthedatum]

I’ve been in therapy for a while - was mandated to go by my school in senior year of high school (my first therapist was an asshole and got fired - he yelled at me and stuff but I didn’t report it), then really briefly in sophomore year of college, and then consistently since 2017 after I exited a very tough relationship (I remember my obgyn telling me how worried she was for me, told me to go to therapy, and told me that maybe I should admit myself to the local psych ward for a bit… while he was in the waiting room). I’ve had a couple therapists since 2017 including a brief stint at an IOP. I refuse to be admitted to any psych wards due to my trauma of seeing my brother be admitted on and off for over a decade (and I guess, other reasons).

I think I considered my therapy more seriously in 2017 but I didn’t really internalize my lessons and stuff until very recently.

It took a long time for me to dissect my sense of self, and I’m still working on it.

I have a lot that I’m undoing from my childhood.

Simply going to therapy isn’t an overnight, or even overyear (I made this term up), fix! Meaning, therapy is just one ongoing thing you’re doing for your self-care.

It’s okay that it takes you a while to wade through your life to figure out where you’re headed.

It’s okay if you succumb to your old patterns time and time again. I know I have! They’re patterns for a reason - it’s been very hard for me to break out of them, but I know I’m making a lot of progress.

I didn’t even fully acknowledge my transness and neurodivergence until 2021. (Also me: I didn’t even fully consider myself disabled until 2014 when my doctor (who diagnosed me with interstitial cystitis) told me so. But like I’ve been disabled my entire life - and I’m so burned out by telling myself I’m not.)

Being your authentic self is hard especially when society tells you that you should do XYZ and then you’ll be healed.

I remember my current boss responding to me “Still?” after I told her I was still healing after several weeks of a horrible bout of physical infection, physical flare ups, and a huge exacerbation of my PTSD symptoms last summer. She didn’t even know about my chronic disabilities or the traumatic events of my life - all she knew was that I had a couple of doctor’s notes about how I had an infection and I needed to recover.

I have come to accept that people will not understand the chronic nature of what I go through, let alone the mental aspect of it all. After all, my high school counselor told me I’d be homeless because I was missing so much school due to my migraines - it didn’t occur to her that I was a high achieving student or that I may be going through other underlying health or environmental things - she told a teenager that, and it’s haunted me ever since.

I have disappointed so many people in my life.

But I know that moving forward, I have to stop feeling so much shame about being me. Even if I disappoint myself, I must forgive myself and keep going.

I am loving myself more and more all the time.

[tavyliasin]

The Abdirak Essay - Fandom, Pain, and Loviatar's Love

Another day, another Lia Essay - and if you're really really deliciously sinful my very dear darlings, I shall give you yet more when the sun rises again upon the morrow. So, today in Niche Fandom Adoration Hours, I give you:

For The Love of Loviatar: Why Discomfort Can Be Delightful, How Agony Alleviates Anguish, and All The Ways Abdirak Fans Are Also TavyliaSin's Very Favourite People (Who Also Probably Need A Hug) ((Do We Love The Long Titles?)) (((If No, Consider This Essay Title Part Of Your Penitance)))

The themes of this essay will discuss: BDSM, Kink, Chronic Pain, wounds/injury, Acute Pain, Mental Health, mentions of harmful behaviours, a discussion of psychological elements from someone with absolutely no formal training or experience, vague mentions of trauma, and the magic of friendship. So please make sure you are in a comfortable place within yourself if you feel any of the above might be difficult to read for any reason. It is ok to skip sections as each has a topic header, or you can leave at any time. Nobody is judging you for that at all. Additionally, NSFW discussion further through, so minors DNI as usual. Very little of my blog will ever be suitable for under 18s, for your safety and for mine. Editing in to add a link to the Abdirak fandom gift to chronic pain pals A Cameo from Declan (Abdirak's Performer) (Fully SFW)

All that said, the main theme of this piece is actually:

To truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause.

So, let's understand what "Suffering" is first, shall we, Dear Ones?

The Difference between Pain and Suffering

Lia hasn't completely lost the plot darlings, the two words may seem almost interchangeable but they are not. At the very least, this is the interpretation I have and the discussion that follows will stick with it too~ Pain is the sensation itself, whether physical or mental, it is the hurt, the bruise pressed upon, the moment a heart breaks. That is pain. Suffering on the other hand, is the effect that the pain has. It is the anguish, the torment, the overwhelm and the exhaustion. So, whilst two people might have the same pain, let's say a stubbed toe for a simple example, their suffering might be very different. One might feel able to walk it off, maybe swear a little and move on. Another might need to sit immediately, feel tears in their eyes, or even become utterly overcome by misery from the intense sensation. This might sound like a difference in tolerance, but it can also be seen as taking the bigger picture into account. One brick might not feel so heavy to someone with empty hands, but added to a pile of bricks already carried it may feel as if it weighs a dozen times as much.

What about Abdirak? How does he relate to Pain and Suffering?

When I first heard Abdirak speak, I knew he understood this concept to its very core. His goddess wants pain, but in himself he does not seem to want actual suffering. He does draw a different line, with pain being physical and suffering being the mental aspect, however the principles are very close to my own. Some people might see Abdirak and judge him as cruel, as a torturer delighting in anguish, but that could not be further from the truth. When he speaks of delivering pain with a loving hand, that really is meant. When he was speaking to the player character, for a moment I felt so intensely seen when he speaks of seeing a greater suffering.

"Forgive me, but that look in your eyes - something terrible has happened to you. ...I see those same eyes when I look in the mirror, dear one."

This, to me, was such a moment. He recognises trauma easily, and we also have this chance here to either interpret this as "oh, right, the tadpole stuff, the things in the game" or we can allow our own feelings about a player character's backstory as the interpretation of what he has seen. Either way, he immediately offers to alleviate that suffering with pain, something he is familiar with, something he knows to help from personal experience. There's the important point. His motivation is not to cause hurt, but to relieve it.

How does pain make anything better?

Deep breaths loves we're getting to the heart of a few things here and it may get heavy. At the most basic broken down level, right at the bottom of everything, it's about distraction. Pain is instant, sharp, a sensation that draws our nerves tight and fires off that electricity directly into our brains. It takes our attention and focus away from whatever else is on our minds. Usually? This would be detrimental, to be unable to concentrate on something because pain is intruding. However, think back here, "delivered with a loving and measured hand." This is precise pain, sensation that is welcomed and applied with expert care in order to reach that point right between where pain is suffering and where it cuts out the thoughts. BDSM darlings will know this as similar to "subspace" which I will discuss later~ Whilst there is some short term benefit to using strong sensation to distract the mind and alleviate intense distress, if taken into real life scenarios there are a lot of things to consider, and it is far better to speak with a therapist. Though the most commonly suggested low-harm methods can be things like gripping an ice cube for a minute or two, or even something like exercise that can push the mind to focus on the body instead of the source of the distress. The element of penance is also there. Abdirak brings to the fore those thoughts of struggle and guilt, so those are the thoughts that are stripped back by the physical pain. It's intentional, careful, and taps at the other core of using pain to alleviate suffering.

Why we love Abdirak, and the importance of recognising the weight of unwarranted guilt.

Remember my little villain essay? Back then I spoke of how a love for villains can also come from the way we are prone to judge ourselves unfairly, to heap undeserved guilt at our own feet, and to believe every slight mistake to be a heinous sin. Sorry, darlings, the only heinous "sin" you are allowed to believe in is me. Name puns aside... Part of the draw is indeed right there, believing ourselves deserving of punishment it's appealing to want to submit to that and find absolution from everything we judge ourselves for. And yet, it isn't a horrific thing, it's coloured by love and affection. The Love of Loviatar from Abdirak does not ignore that first part. But I do encourage you, if you are feeling particularly called out right now, to stop seeking punishment for things that are objectively not your fault, and instead treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness. By all means continue to indulge in our beloved priest of Pain and the joy he brings, but do so without any negative self-assessment, alright? Good, I'm glad we agre- THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU. No exceptions.

And what of the Fandom?

Ahh Abdirak fandom. Small, loving, welcoming, and utterly devoted~ Similarly to villain fandom (Abdirak is obviously not a villain, but is arguably villain-coded), his fandom also draws a lot of kindness and understanding. Despite how we might see ourselves, we are remarkably free from judgement in how we treat each other. There's endless encouragement, genuine warmth, and alongside spicy takes that might make lava look like a suitable spot for ice fishing there's a profound amount of respect and consent. By which I mean, there's no shame. There's no allowance for "I hate that character you like", or "that kink is bad because I don't like it". Tags and CWs are applied to posts and works with care and nobody is treated poorly for enjoying what (or who) they enjoy in the fictional space. To go back to the quote at the start of this essay, "to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause." I feel the vast majority of us have that depth of insight and recognition for suffering and have the empathy required to wish to avoid it. And that is why I would perhaps feel safest in the company of Abdirak fans (and likewise Raphael fans), there's another level of connection in those tadpoles~ Which leads me neatly forwards to...

Endurance: Abdirak and Chronic Pain Sufferers

Here, loves, we're going to get a bit more personal. Those of us with chronic pain conditions may find an even deeper connection. So I'll go over a little for those who are fortunate enough to not have personal experience here: Chronic Pain - This applies to pain which is constant or frequently recurring, that lasts (and/or is expected to last) for more than 3 months. It's not like a broken bone that heals and has an end, it's not like a few headaches that come and go with little consequence, it is either always present or always on the edge of flaring up at any time. It's different to acute pain, because most conditions have no cure, many barely have any treatment so all one can do is try to endure the worst of it. The other side-symptoms can be reduction in physical ability, exhaustion, mental health difficulties (because for some odd reason constant pain is not a path to happiness), low self esteem, and of course carrying the guilt of feeling like a burden if you need help from others (you are not a burden, and anyone who says so can receive the blessing of forever feeling like there is a stone in their shoe that they cannot find). As an aside, this can apply to chronic mental health struggles too - it is still pain, only a different kind. Though I will be looking primarily at physical pain here, as that's where Abdirak's focus is. Now, where are we going with this? The difference here is in how pain is treated. Abdirak speaks of pain as a wonderful thing, as something that is sought after, that is a way of worshipping Loviatar. This is something that might feel strange to someone who is plagued by pain, but there's another quote I'd like us to remember.

"Pain without purpose is a terrible thing, wouldn't you agree?"

Chronic pain has no purpose. It's there whether by illness or injury, or some other unseen cause. It was not a choice, it doesn't bring any relief, and often it drags us right down with it.

"Please let me alleviate this pain."

And there's another line, one we wish we could hear, one we wish so very deeply in the core of our being that we could believe. That there could be someone who could bring an end to the pain even if only for a brief time, a fleeting hope of relief.

How fanworks can be a means of coping with chronic pain.

So here's the next point... What in all the hells do I mean, how can fanworks help a single thing? Well, have some personal moments. I had a deeply unpleasant flare up the other night, so I put out a brief ask to writing groups for some comforting fiction shorts. In the past, I've written a few myself - like these: Abdirak - Migraine Comfort Yurgir - Migraine Comfort Tav - General Comfort, with Audio Multi-Character Comfort Drabbles (Including Abdirak) Full AO3 fic of Abdirak x Chronic Pain Reader (Spicy, NSFW)

These are the two I received from some writers very dear to my heart who have more talent and skill than I could ever hope to aspire to in their works. Elfvamp (who does not have tumblr) (image description is attached to the image)

and this one from @morb-untamed

Darlings, when I tell you there were tears in my eyes at these, I mean it. THIS is just an example of the understanding and compassion possible in the community, the care and consideration, and the emotion that words can carry through them that make things genuinely feel more bearable in the moment of distress. Both captured something that it took me too long to realise. Perhaps what follows might sound entirely unreasonable or unhinged, but for someone like myself who has not known a single second of what "0%" feels like in over 10 years, it's beginning to seem far more sane by the moment. What if, within the confines of my mind, I try to rewrite the understanding of pain as something different. Just tell myself each new pain is an offering to some vile deity who has decided my mortal vessel is worthy of enduring, rather than one that is being punished with suffering. Breathe through it and listen to those character voices, find my own purpose to the pain. Let it become inspiration, note it down, get that visceral and intimate knowledge to the page instead. Naturally, this probably isn't a healthy coping mechanism, nor one that is infallible, but there have been moments recently where thinking that has made the moderate levels less distressing, easier to tolerate for a time. Perhaps it could do the same for you, but perhaps not, either way - it is there. Please do read through the comfort pieces too, and if you would like to see more - even ones with more specific aims and pains, please do just ask and I will make them happen. Either through my ask box, or in comments/reblogs, or any other way you wish to contact me honestly.

Alright, Tavylia, we've covered personal pain, but you promised NSFW discussion!

Oh my very dear darlings I had not forgotten this part~ You may here people talk about "good pain" and "bad pain", and wonder how/why pain can ever be good. It's not just about a physical hurt sensation or using that as a distraction. Pain can cause a rush of adrenaline, and even endorphins - similar to how people enjoy extreme sports, horror films, or theme parks, it's a pleasant feeling from something that would usually be scary, because it's safe and controlled. Falling from a high place? That's terrifying, dangerous. Parachuting safely from that same high place? It's controlled, there's no real danger, but the feeling of danger brings that adrenaline rush. There's the key. In real life BDSM there is control in the safe signal, in knowing it can and will stop when needed, that although there is someone causing pain they will stop at a moment's notice. (Anyone who does not respect a safe word/signal is not someone you should be in that situation with, if you are engaging in or want to try BDSM with real partners please PLEASE do your research on safety, that's too long a lecture to add here) In the context of fiction, we can go a lot further. Could a real person easily withstand Abdirak hitting them with an axe in their back? Obviously not, that's far too much. But this is a world with magical healing, and our fantasy and fiction is quite safe to extend where we find is interesting. So when reading - and especially writing - with pain and pain play, I encourage you to remember these links to adrenaline, endorphins, and that it isn't about harm, it's far deeper, and finding an understanding of that (even if you never wish to experience it) might be of some benefit to understanding those around you who have this intimate relationship with pain.

A title for the End

I think I've covered a lot here, but I do just want to round us off now. If you have any questions about this topic (or any of my other essay posts), please do feel free to ask - that's why my box is there, for all kinds of discussions to open up. Not just for smut and creative writing, but for all the ways we connect with fiction and characters. There is so much more than a single story being told, each of us experiences it through the lens of our own experience, we all find our connections in different ways, and I will have more character essays on this later. There's so much more to see, to learn, from all the interpretations throughout the fandom. I'm very grateful to be here to witness it, and for you being here to share in these thoughts and explore them more with me. Pain can teach us many things, about ourselves and others. Empathy, kindness, compassion - when we know how much we need them ourselves, we begin to see how much others may need it too. Much like how Abdirak sees the pain behind the player character's eyes, and feels that strong desire to help in the ways he knows how.

A Final Note for the Pain Pals

To my Chronic Pain Pals, darlings you do not always have to be strong. It's alright. It will not break you entirely to let go of that incessant need to try and quietly endure. Find those places it is safe to let it out, look for those tricks you can use on your brain to make Loviatar's Favour just a little more bearable. You are worthy of kindness, support, and compassion. The same you are likely giving of yourself to everyone else. You are not a burden, these are pains you do not choose, and you deserve something more gentle without any guilt attached to it. You are also not alone, find community, find those who understand.

Pain without purpose...but have we given it one now?

So I hope this time the pain has had a purpose in teaching, in helping us connect in new ways, to find compassion and understanding. Until next time, Dear Ones, look after yourselves.

Oh hey look I know who made that gif that came up in the search~ What an absolutely wonderful coincidence ;) (And a final final footnote, hello Abdirak fan community, you are perfect and I wish you nothing but the best in all things)