#and also that their MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH are NOT aspects of that when. again. THEYRE WHITE

[bittwitchy]

my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.

[alotofpockets]

Replaced | Part 1 | Natasha Romanoff

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Stark!Reader, and Tony Stark x Daughter!Reader

Story warnings: heart disease/failure, loss of a parent, absent father.

Story summary: Your father, Tony Stark, has been rather absent in the recent years of your life. What will happen when you show up at the Avengers Compound after you lose your mom?

Masterlist | Marvel masterlist | Words: 2.5K Part 1 | Part 2

Your parents split up when you were just two years old, therefore you didn't even remember them together. You've lived with just your mom ever since. At first you spend every summer at your dad's, but ever since he became Iron Man, that stopped. Your dad had claimed to not have enough time on his hands to keep you safe. 

It's been about ten years since you've had sleepovers at your dad's in the summer. You had seen him every few months to catch up over dinner, but much more than that you hadn't seen of your dad. It sucks, because he was your dad and you want him in your life, but over the years it started to get more and more clear to you that being an entrepreneur and superhero was more important to him than being a father. 

Over those years your mom had been your biggest form of support, she was always there for you and your needs. She was your mom and best friend in one, you could share everything with her. Sure, your dad made sure you and your mom had the money to live a good life, and so that your mom was able to keep her local book store running instead of having to get a better paying job. You were very grateful for that, because your mom absolutely loved that store. On your eighteenth birthday your mom asked you if you wanted to be the co-owner of the store. You had been working there as a side job ever since you started college. You were grateful for her offer, and gladly accepted it. 

At college you studied business, something that clearly runs in the family. Everything you’ve learned in class, you got to put to use at the store. Once you were done with college, your mom had taught you about every aspect of the store, unbeknownst to you, making you ready to take over one day. It happened suddenly, one day everything was good, and the next day you were in an ambulance because your mother had collapsed. After hours of testing the doctor let you know that something was wrong with her heart. At first medication was enough to help your mom get through the day, but when those stopped working, she had to have surgery. She stayed at the hospital for a while to monitor everything. You spend as much time as you could by her side, while also keeping the store running. It was mentally and physically draining, but the store was your mom’s pride and joy, and you had every intention to keep it running for her. She got a bit better after the surgery, but gradually over the months she was declining in her health once again. 

She ended up in the hospital once again, this time she was on 24-hour watches. When the doctors informed you that there wasn’t anything they could do for her anymore, you started talking about a DNR. Your mom had a long talk with you, stating that she left everything to you in the will. “Sweetheart, I know you have big dreams and I want you to follow them all. Please don’t let keeping the store get in the way of that. I love you, and I want you to live your life for you, okay sweetheart?” That evening you had cried in her arms as she signed the DNR form. 

Your mom was in the hospital for another week when the day you had been dreading came. The day you got the call from the doctors saying that your mom wasn’t going to make it to the end of the day. You closed down the store and rushed to the hospital, wanting to spend her last moments together. The rest of the day you spent by her side, holding her hand, and telling her your favorite memories together. You had balled your eyes out as the heart monitor's beeping started slowing down, eventually dying down to a continuous beep. The doctor came in to turn off the machine, and sent his condolences your way, before leaving you to say your last goodbyes. 

You didn't know where to go when you left the hospital, walking around aimlessly, until you found yourself at the Avengers Compound. You decided to ring the doorbell, since your subconscious led you here and you really needed to rehydrate. A woman's voice sounded over the intercom, "Avengers Compound, who is it?" You quickly wiped your tears as you saw a camera was pointing at your face, "Ehm, I'm Y/n Stark, I'm here to see my dad." 

The voice stayed quiet for a moment, "Very funny, do you have ID to prove that?" You reached into your pocket and held your ID up to the camera. “One moment, I’ll be right with you.” A minute later the door was opened by the woman you knew from the news as Black Widow. “Hi, I’m Natasha. Sorry about that, you don’t want to know how many kids come up here claiming to be one of our kids, in hopes they can enter the building.” With a small voice you replied, “It’s okay. Is he here?” Natasha shook her head, “No, but I’ll let him know you’re here. Come on, I’ll walk you to the common room.” She led you to the couch and offered you a drink. 

While Natasha walked to the kitchen to get you a glass of water, all the emotions that came with losing your mom came to the service. You put your feet up on the couch, bringing your legs to your chest. Your head leaning on your knees as tears start streaming down your face once again. Natasha walks back into the common room with the glass of water and notices your state, she takes a seat next to you on the couch. “Hey, what’s wrong? I know we just met, but no one should go through these kinds of emotions alone. May I hug you?” Without saying anything, you lean into Natasha. She was right, you had just met her, but you really needed the comfort. You felt Natasha’s arms wrap around your shoulders and hold you tight. “My mom.” You say with a shaky voice, “I just lost my mom.” You cry out. Natasha moves one of her hands to rub small circles on your back. Natasha knew what loss was and felt for the stranger in her arms. She wanted to bring you comfort, the way she wished she had gotten.

It wasn’t until later in the day, when you had calmed down, met some of the other Avengers, and settled down on the couch watching a movie with them that your dad got home. He didn’t even notice you there, so Natasha spoke up. “Tony, did you get my messages?” She said while moving her eyes between him and you. That’s when his eyes fell on you, “Oh, y/n, hi. What are you doing here?” It felt kind of awkward to be in the same room as your dad and it not being a restaurant. “Mom, she. She passed away earlier today.” You wipe away the tear that fell down your face quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry, y/n.” His phone rang before the conversation could continue, “I have to take this.” He stood up and walked away. Natasha gave you a sympathetic look, “Come on, I’ll get a room ready for you, and you can stay the night.”

You didn't sleep much that night, but who could blame you. Your mom just died, and your dad seemed to not give a shit about it or you. Reluctantly you got out of bed and put on the clothes Natasha laid out for you. Making your way to the kitchen, you were hoping that your dad would be there for you. Once you got to the kitchen though, your dad was getting ready to leave. "Ah good morning, y/n. I've got to pick up the kid, I'll be back later." And once again he was out the door. 

Sitting down at the counter you stare blankly ahead of yourself. Wanda and Natasha find you in the kitchen after their morning work out. Wanda is the first to sense that something is wrong and approaches you. "Hey, y/n, how are you holding up?" Wanda had experienced her own loss with her parents and brother, all those feelings came back to the moment she heard that you had lost your mom. "Who's 'the kid' my dad is referring to?" Wanda takes no time in answering your question, only making you believe that your dad calls this person ‘kid’ all the time. "Peter Parker, or as you probably know him, Spider-Man." You divert your eyes once more. Moments later Natasha places a plate of food in front of you, "I'm no chef, but I hope it's good." 

You all ate in silence, you were grateful for their comfort. "Hey, is there any way either one of you can bring me to the hospital? I need to figure out some things and sign some papers. I was going to ask my dad, but he's too busy." They both agreed to come with you, and even went into the hospital with you. You reached for Natasha's hand as the doctor spoke to you about the next steps. 

After filling out all the necessary forms the doctor sent you on your way, since it had been a couple hours and it was around lunchtime now you asked the women, "Do you want to grab a quick bite? As a thank you for both of your support today." Wanda checks the time before saying, “I’m sorry, I’d love to, but I have to head back. I’ve got a few meetings this afternoon.” You look over to Natasha. "Yeah, let's do it. Only because I'm hungry though, not because you need to do this to thank us, I was happy to go with you." You both hugged Wanda goodby and headed to a nearby restaurant.

During lunch you spend the time getting to know each other better. She told you about her hobbies and what it was like to be an Avenger and you told her about your hobbies and the bookstore. "I have the rest of the day off, if you want to go by the store and make sure everything is settled there, since you left in a hurry yesterday." Natasha offered. "Are you sure? I'd really like that, but only if it's not too much trouble." Of course, it was no trouble at all, Natasha was enjoying getting to know you better. 

At the store you spend some time on putting the money in the safe, which in your haste you didn’t even do, and some paperwork. Natasha was walking around the shop while you were finishing up. “It’s a wonderful place, y/n. You and your mom did an incredible job, I’m sure she is so proud of you for wanting to keep the store running.” You thanked her for her kindness before printing out a sign saying you would be closed for the next week.

Walking out of the store you got the sinking feeling that you were going to go home to an empty house. “Do you think I can stay at the Compound for another night?” You ask Natasha shyly. “Yeah, of course, do you want to grab some clothes before heading back?” At your front door you freeze with the keys in your hand, unable to unlock the door. “May I?” Natasha asks softly. You hand her the key and she opens the door for you. She takes your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, letting you know she’s there with you. After grabbing some clothes you make your way back to the Compound.

When you arrived back at the compound, you heard laughter coming from the common room. You recognized one of the voices to be the one of your dad, so you walked in. “Oh hey, kid, meet my daughter y/n.” Tony introduces you. “Y/n, this is Peter.” It was painful this morning hearing that your dad called another person ‘kid’, a nickname he used to call you, but the sight of this broke you even more. You turned on your heels and walked in the opposite direction. To your surprise your dad called after you, “Y/n, don’t leave.” That snaps something in you. “Don’t leave?” You ask, raising your voice slightly. “Isn’t that exactly like you did? You left me because you didn’t have time to keep me safe, and now I see you’ve just replaced me with another kid that you took under your wing. Why can you take care of him, but not of me?” Tony stood up. “Peter is different, he has powers, he can protect himself.” 

“That’s bullshit, Natasha doesn’t have powers and she’s an Avenger, she can protect herself. And what about Clint, Yelena and Kate? Not to mention you yourself. They can all protect themselves. All you had to do was teach me how to protect myself, but instead you left.” You didn’t wait for a response and continued walking toward the room Natasha had let you stay in. “What was that all about?” Tony asks Natasha. “Man, I knew you could be oblivious, but seriously? She just lost her mom, the only person she has had to depend on. Wanda and I went to the hospital with her today to make arrangements, because you were too busy talking with Peter.” She turned to Peter, “No offense, Spider-Boy.” And with that Natasha followed you to the room. 

“I’m so sorry about him.” She said as she walked into your room. You shrugged, “It’s fine, I don’t know why I expected more.” Natasha said down on the bed next to you. “Want to watch a movie, to get your mind off of everything?” You lifted the blanket for her to join you. About fifteen minutes into the movie, you lean into Natasha, Without a word, she wraps her arm around your shoulder. Not long after your eyes closed and you slept for the first time in weeks. 

Your dad might not be there for you the way you wanted him to be, but you were glad you came here and got to meet Natasha. From the first time on that couch in the common room, you had felt a connection with her, a connection that had only grown stronger over the hours that you had known her. A connection that you knew was only going to continue growing.

Part 2

[starmosaics]

Mars in the 8th House pt. 2/3

If you haven’t read the 1st part here’s a link to the original post :)

Today I’m focusing on transformation, life and death situations and possible struggles with mental health and substance abuse.

Those with Mars in the 8H frequently face unforeseen events in their life which catalyzes incredible changes. Some of these events are catastrophic. These people can completely alter their lives by brute will or they will be met with challenges which push them towards making necessary changes.

Common events I’ve seen/experienced that pushes an 8H Mars towards transformation:

-Death of a loved one, loss of any kind

-Near death experiences

-A breakup/divorce

-Overcoming addiction

-Releasing/healing trauma

-Inheritance

There’s many times where these people feel isolated and left in the dark; some may feel like they’ve lost everything even their sense of self. Many 8H Mars individuals have experienced and been exposed to very difficult and painful events which is one of the most challenging aspects of this placement. Life has its ups and downs and for these people, that’s never ending. The most important thing is that they are so persevering and are quite determined to follow through to reach the other end after facing difficulties. I’ve seen people with this aspect go through hell and eventually got out of that dark place and became a totally different person; shedding one’s skin. I myself feel like I have already lived 10 different lives. The 8th House forcefully causes one to experience changes within their mental state, physical bodies, or spiritual lives; the 8th House can quite literally strip your identity causing you to have to completely build yourself up again.

These people may feel like they got the short end of the stick when it comes to certain situations that they've been dealt leading them to succumbing to their fears and experiencing chaos and disheveledness leaving them feeling trapped, but something to remind these folks is that when they feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, the closer they are to transforming themselves or an area of their lives along with gaining grit and profound wisdom. The 8th House wants you to go inwards, identify the parts of yourself or your life you can't face, to take the reins and evolve. Sometimes it requires metaphorically (sometimes literally, but hopefully not) dying first to become reborn.

T/W: Abuse, substance use, heavy topics mentioned!!

In terms of an 8H Mars’ mental health, there’s quite a distinctive pattern. As we’ve established earlier that what kind of experiences these people might face, the events that alters one's life naturally will heavily impact one's mental health. I know 4 other people with this placement (along with myself) who have some form of psychiatric disorder; most commonly Bipolar disorder, Paranoia, MDD (major depressive disorder), and BPD. Many have experienced events (commonly during childhood, teen years, and early twenties) that lead to signs/a diagnosis of CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder).

Substance abuse is also very common to those who have this placement. Either a family member of theirs struggled with it, or they themselves did. Everyone I know who has this placement including myself has either had a family member who struggled with addiction, or have personally struggled with addiction; sometimes both. 8th house represents something you inherit and unfortunately sometimes it's the inter-generational cycle of addiction. Substance use disorders and mental disorders are sometimes heritable. This isn't meant to scare you or make you feel bad if you have faced any battles with substances. Addiction doesn't have to be your whole life story, just a chapter. Those who I know who previously struggled with addiction and turned their lives around are happier than ever.

Here are some famous people with an 8H Mars that struggled with their mental health and substance abuse:

-Marilyn Monroe (Alleged Bipolar disorder, substance use disorder)

-Robin Williams (MDD, substance use disorder)

-Amanda Bynes (Bipolar disorder, abused stimulants)

-Sid Vicious (Showed signs of personality disorder, substance use disorder)

-Drew Barrymore (Substance use disorder, MDD)

-Courtney Love (Substance use disorder, Autism)

-Lil Peep (Bipolar disorder, substance use disorder)

-Anthony Bourdain (MDD, substance abuse)

More than half of these famous people also struggled in childhood due to the impact of their family members; Marilyn Monroe had a traumatizing childhood and was living in multiple foster homes and orphanages due to her alcoholic and schizophrenic mother being unable to care for her, Amanda Bynes facing sexual abuse by Dan Schneider as a child, Sid Vicious' mother was neglectful and gave him hero*n when he was a teenager, Drew Barrymore had a mother who influenced and fueled Drew's coca*ne and alcohol addiction before she was even 15 years old, and Courtney Love's father was deemed to be unstable and a horrible father. He allegedly gave her LSD as a child and also physically abused her when she was 17 after visiting him in Ireland.

I don't want to fully air this story out, but I had a friend who was like a sibling to me and their dad abandoned them during their teenage years and their mother was unable to work due to her schizophrenia and substance abuse; she would have us pick up cigarettes and get drugs for her when we were 16/17. This friend has experienced a lot of pain and is still struggling with their own demons and mental health and i'm no longer in their life due to their choices and influence on me, but I still think about them all the time. I wish them the best and hope they eventually find their way back to themselves. They're one of the smartest people I've ever met.

In my own personal life, my dad was never in the picture and my mother (who I believe also had an 8H Mars) struggled with mental illness and substance abuse, so I lived with my grandmother, who I eventually found out also abused substances, but was more "stable". After my mom passed literally from alcohol deteriorating her body when I was 17, I decided I had to keep distance from my family and moved out as soon as I could and since then my life has totally changed. I heavily smoked weed from the ages 16-19, I'm addicted to cigarettes, I am very wary about my alcohol consumption, and I inherited my mom and grandmother's mental illness. If it weren't for my upbringing, I wouldn't possess the wisdom I have today. Yes my childhood was fked up, but it made me immensely resilient. I have experienced life and death literally and metaphorically many many times.

I'm not saying that if you have this placement you're bound to struggle with addiction and have a tragic life story filled with trauma and pain, but unfortunately a more common thing I see in those who do have this placement have struggled with trauma, substances, abuse, and family dynamics. And like I said with the transformational aspect of the 8th House, many people overcame their demons and traumas. There's always an option for recovery in any scenario which is also associated with the 8H, and sometimes destruction (Mars) and chaos is needed for rebirth. In a less extreme manner, 8th House Martians may just struggle with generalized depression and anxiety.

Another thing I've noticed about those with an 8H Mars placement is that they let their anger seethe until it eventually boils over leading to an outburst. They may experience super intense meltdowns due to not healthily coping. Emotional regulation might be difficult for these natives in general.

On one end Mars rules destruction, conflict, death, assaults, and violence. On the other, it represents ambition, overcoming, exertion, determination, encouragement, strength, one's ability, and facing fears.

If you have an 8H Mars and faced any of the struggles above or anything similar and need someone to talk to you can always message me! I want this post to encourage the people who may feel stuck or are in a rough place that they can overcome whatever is thrown at them. Remember crisis comes first, then evolution and finally, total transformation. <3

In the 3rd and final part we'll go over struggles within intimate relationships 8H Mars folks might face and "taboo" topics these natives might enjoy.

[hermitessun]

Day/Night charts and understanding their difference is key, to understanding anybody

Today, if you haven’t paid attention yet, I want you to pull out your chart and see whether you have a day or night chart. This will really help you understand not only yourself and why you are the way you are, but also your life.

in a day chart, the diurnal planets are going to be more influential, whether you want it or not. Think: Sun, Jupiter and Saturn. the power of the moon, Venus and mars is less potent, unless perhaps one of them is your chart ruler.

in a night chart, it is the nocturnal planets that have the upper hand: the moon, Venus and mars. The sun, Saturn and Jupiter not as much, (again unless one of them is your chart ruler)

the reason why I think this is so important to address is because, it can really help you understand a thing or two about yourself, or your loved one. I’ve seen these two charts manifest in completely different ways, which is really interesting:

one out of many examples:

my mother and I both share a Saturn in the 6th house. however, she has a day chart whereas I have a night chart. You already see where this is going

Her Saturn in the 6th house played out much more apparently than mine, as it showed up in her physical and perhaps even mental health. (this is not an age thing either, this problem has been an ongoing issue since her younger years).

my Saturn in the 6th house manifested completely differently and less potently for sure, since I have a night chart, therefore Saturn as a malefic isn’t as powerful. my Saturn is also not terribly placed (+ it’s my chart ruler and my amk). This is also a matter of aspects surely, but the concept of day and night charts also plays into it majorly.

! However, don’t think that just because you have a night chart, Saturn can’t have shit on you baby, no

It simply means that mars is your dominant malefic. take a look at your mars, what house it’s in, its aspects.

I have an ashlesha mars in the 7th house, conjunct mercury for example. that’s a conversation for another time (not as bad as you think, promise), so maybe my Saturn doesn’t do a lot of damage but I have to keep an eye out for my mars to not crash me out (dramatic way of putting this quite frankly, but yeah.)

-

In a day chart, your benefic, the planet you’ll profit from the most, will be Jupiter, watch out for the house its in, even the nakshatra, its aspects

In a night chart, look at Venus to understand your benefits (house,nakshatra,aspects), it will explain a lot of things.

Ex.: my mother has a jupiter in the 7th house, she got lucky in her second marriage, got married to a successful foreigner blablabla which is all I’ll say. Me on the contrary, with my Jupiter in the 8th house I can’t complain either you know but my jupiter isn’t THAT strong. it came through a lot of the times in my life, when I needed it, but it was always a “last resort” kinda situation. what I mean, is jupiter isn’t very present in my day to day life as a benefic, I don’t profit from it regularly. but only when it “truly matters”. it’s just watching out for my ass kinda.

however my 5th house rohini Venus, is much more expressive and present. I benefit from my Venus placement regularly and in my day to day life. It is very present and puissant.

think of Jupiter in a night chart as the guard outside your house who watches out for robbers, you don’t see him much he does his job though. Venus, think of her as your partner who is with you daily in the house and outside, and pampers you based on what house and nakshatra she’s in.

In a day chart, logically, Venus is gonna be the guard outside that comes through when she hits the fan from time to time, but it is jupiter who you truly spend time with and benefit from.

Interesting, right?

-

Last but not least

if you have a day chart, then chances are your sun sign resonates more with you. In case of a night chart, you’ll act more like your moon sign.

My mother is a purva bhadrapada sun, her shatabhisha moon is recessive.

I’m a punarvasu sun, rohini moon. Rohini is far more dominant, and people tend to guess my moon sigh rather than my sun sign.

Much love, let me know what you think

[letmeoutofthebasementt]

Would SKZ date a foreigner? MTL

Most

Chan

Changbin

Jeongin

Felix

Seungmin

Hyunjin

Lee Know

Han

Least

Bangchan

He would. He probably has, and will continue to in the future. He finds a sense of fulfillment in these relationships. Like he probably dates Aussie girls a lot because they remind him of home. If they’re from far away he has this mentality of “Oh, you traveled all this way and your journeys ended with an amazing new relationship” towards them or something.

Changbin

Definitely. Like Chan, he probably prefers them. I think he thinks of it as an achievement? Because he has to work in those relationships, and they’re fulfilling. He feels like they both have to make that effort and have that sort of ambition to get there, and learn about each other’s cultures, languages, etc. it’s a sign of love. He likes dating foreigners also because they don’t know him as ‘Changbin of Stray Kids’, but as this foreign Korean dude they met. (Though I would say there is that aspect of wishing that they did know and appreciate his art if they didn’t.)

Jeongin

He would. He thinks there’s potential and he may get lucky. I’m getting a lot of…Finance indicators here. I’m gonna be so for real, he probably dates old white sugar mommies. Or daddies. Whichever way he swings. Said what I said. I’m also getting that…He loves the money. He’s young, and sure he’s rich but who doesn’t want to be wined, dined, and pampered? He’s not big on relationships or commitment as a general rule of thumb since he’s busy and working and just living his life and young. But if he does date someone? Might as well get something out of it.

Felix

Felix has no real preference. Though this may be because his terms of…What’s foreign and what’s not are broader? Is something foreign when the cultures are different? Is it foreign when the countries are different? Is a foreigner someone who’s not Australian or someone who’s not Korean? There’s a lot of gray area. But generally he doesn’t care where you are. If you can communicate, have things you have in common, and can compromise then hes okay with whatever. Cambodian, Indian, South African, American, Indonesian, whatever it is. As long as their minds and hearts are in the same place.

Seungmin

He doesn’t really seem to care. As long as they have that depth and emotional security he’s looking for, it’s whatever. I’m getting a direct message of “As long as I can be happy with them without sacrificing myself.” So essentially, he truly and honestly doesn’t care as long as they’re happy together.

Hyunjin

No. I think, practically, he would, he has, and he does. He enjoys learning about cultures and traditions and languages. Foreign partners are the perfect way to mix what he loves most. (This part made me giggle but I’m free styling this shit) Love, sex, and learning. It’s a win win win. Like that one conversation he had with Seungmin. With that being said, back to the no aspect of the tarot. His most recent ex was probably foreign. And that was DISASTROUS. I’m talking hopelessly, everything destroyed, life and mental health in shambles (I keep getting a lot of scratching images? Like scratched up clothes, scratched up skin, scratched up wallpaper. As well as just broken furniture. Possibly physically abusive but that’s just me speculating) so much so he probably threw the entire country they’re from away. “Never stepping foot there again” type shit. So, in normal circumstances he would, but the ex probably used cultural differences as a crutch. Like, “No, this isn’t abuse. This is normal in my culture. It’s showing how much I love you.” And Hyunjin loves love, but not that type of love. But poor little Hyunjin believed it and now he’s scared. I put him in the lower middle because he WOULD under normal circumstances but these AREN’T normal circumstances.

Lee Know

Honestly, I don’t think he would. He’s tried, but it hasn’t worked out. There’s cultural differences, language differences, etc. and there’s also just conflicting values, upbringings, etc. he finds a hard time connecting on those deeper levels because they lack a lot of shared experiences they would’ve otherwise had, even down to cuisine. He steers clear of dating foreigners.

Han

Another no. Another who has and didn’t like the experience. Honestly this might’ve been because of in-laws. The cultural differences stressed him out and I think he’s said he has social anxiety before anyways? Correct me if I’m wrong but I heard it somewhere. Can’t remember there. But he gets really restless and feels like his skin is peeling and crawling and wants to fucking die when he has to meet the in laws. He doesn’t know what to wear, how to act, what to bring, what to do, how to talk (If he even knows the language). It just stressed him out. And honestly, it’s probably the same vice versa. Also, he might’ve dated an American. And American girls are much more…Open with the opposite sex than Korean girls are. And because of that it stressed him out because he got insecure and over thought everything but also didn’t want to be overbearing because he knew it was a cultural thing. So…

[voidspiraling]

Omg Till is so cute whattttttt. Excuse my brain rotting I just needed to get this out of my system.

LOOK AT THEM SO CUTE

ALL OF THEM SO CUTE!!!!

Ahem.

Now time for some serious analysis 🧐 (I don’t rlly get anywhere tho so less of an analysis and more just me asking a bunch of questions hoping for an answer from the void)

One thing I noticed aside from how cute Till is his eye bags.

This baby Till doesn’t have eye bags yet, so we can conclude that Till was starting to become sleep deprived after the age of 3 and before the age of 8. (I’m just making a guess based on the pics of their age Till could be 12 in that picture I truly couldn’t tell you)

Now what does this mean when a child is continuously sleep deprived by a stupid alien?

Impacts Behaviors: Harder to pay attention, prone to mood swings, and increased impulsivity (Yep that’s Till)

Impacts Mental Health: Increases the risk and severity of depression and anxiety (What do you know that’s also Till!)

Impacts Brain Development: Negatively affects the memory and intelligence parts of the brain (Do you guys remember that brain scan that showed a brain suffering from trauma?)

As you can see from an early age Till was already put through the wringer before he even got a bruise. I say this because sleep deprivation is extremely torturous regardless of whether it’s forced or self inflicted. Mentally and physically not getting enough sleep fucks up every aspect of your life. The lack of sleep could be bc Till was staying up late, it was noted by other Anakt kids that Till kept them up at night bc he was practicing his music. It could also be bc Urak forced him to stay awake.

Like when he made Till watch videos of a younger Luka. Overall my heart broke once again at the way they treat a literal baby. Another thing I want to point out is their necks.

I’m leaving out Ivan cuz he doesn’t wear the collar anyways. But Mizi and Sua both wear the standard (I’m assuming standard bc they’re the most common) collars both lit up green. They’re living in a little bubble and while they look cute, knowing how their story goes makes them look uncanny. Anyways this is the collar most of the kids wear.

But Till is wearing a different collar and also is wearing a green patch. It always made me curious why he has different collars compared to the rest. Like I get it’s bc of the fact that he rebels a lot so he has a lot more restraints. But this collar is thinner and more metallic than the other ones. You’d think that if they were trying to punish him more they’d give him a bigger collar or a more restrictive one. They forced him into one that restrains his arm to his torso and one over his mouth. But this is just a thin collar that he wears on stage and it doesn’t seem to have any function other than to be a small collar. It also doesn’t show a mood indicator like the other ones do. I guess bc Urak doesn’t care what Till is feeling so he didn’t bother getting that feature. But it also makes it ambiguous what Till is feeling. In the picture while Mizi and Sua look happy, and Ivan looks focused, Till looks shocked and perplexed about writing in the air. (And adorable but when doesn’t he look adorable?) Anyways I can’t for the life of me figure out why his loser alien would get a custom collar that is so simple. From what I’ve gathered abt that freak he grew up in the slums but due to his greedy nature and inability to have compassion was able make it big by doing illegal shit. So maybe it was cost effective to just make simple collars instead of getting the standard one? What a cheap bastard.

Another thing that confuses me is the green patch on his neck.

Just what is this? My first thought went to nicotine patches and insulin patches. But those aren’t suppose to go on the neck, usually on the arm. Then as I did my daily watch of Round 6 I noticed that Till has been injected with unknown substances through his neck.

My guess is that the green patches are injecting him with some type of drug. And because the skin around the neck is so fragile the drugs can seep through easier. (It’s completely unsafe but in line with how the loser alien acts)

There are two possible explanations.

One is that Till has become addicted to the drugs they pump him with. And in order to keep him normal and keep him from showing withdrawal signs they use the green patches like a nicotine patch. Drugs have been used by artists as a way to further their craft. Some have even become reliant on it in order to make art. There’s a sense of enlightenment as well, some use it as a way to gain a new perspective on life. I personally can’t understand using drugs for that purpose, but some of the greatest works of art have been created through the use of substances like these. So it’s possible that Urak in his attempt to create a weapon that could topple Luka tries to make Till produce songs using that method. Such as injecting a bunch of drugs and leaving him in a room to write songs.

Two is that they use the green patch as a way to sedate Till, or as a way to enhance his performance. As evident by just looking at Till you can tell he’s running on fumes when he’s on stage. So maybe as a way to push past his limit they drug him so that he can keep performing even when his body is at its limit. The patches are only seen in Round 2 but that could explain why Till got a nosebleed when he was performing in Round 7. His body was finally catching up to him.

Alternatively they could just be there to cover up the wounds from injections while also looking cool lol.

As you can tell I am very confused ;-; but also very curious abt these experiments. They seemed to be focused on the throat and mouth which makes me think they’re trying to modify how these kids sing. Like are they trying to make it so that they can sing outside of their vocal range? Are they trying to make it so that they can sing without having to breath? Or maybe the drugs can affect their literal genes. I know human editing is a procedure in Alien stage universe but what does that actually mean? Can you edit their appearance? Their personality? Their memory? Their thoughts?

My attempts at analysis have only left me with more questions.

Thanks for reading byeeeeee

[mistytarot0919]

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[nayatarot777]

how do people view you in public?

• pile one •

cards: 2 of wands, 4 of cups, 3 of cups, {8 of cups at bottom of the deck}

overall, the public could view you as someone who is difficult to reach in some way. although you may be seen with your friends having a good time in certain places, there’s still a prickly energy to you. it’s subtle but it’s there. like you don’t actually want to interact with or care about the external world outside of yourself and your friends. you seem to be purposefully disconnected from people who you don’t know, but clearly having a good time with the people who you do (when you are around others). there’s an energy of exclusivity coming from you in public. like it’s hard to get into your energetic field. you’re very choosy with who you give energy to, but the people who you do give energy to clearly are blessed to have you around.

you also don’t seem like the type of person who wants to follow a group of people. you could stand out in some way, even if you’re in a group of your own friends. i keep on hearing that you seem decisive over and over again. this could be perceived by the way that you look, the way that you walk, speak, etc. the public assume that you like to be left alone to be in your own world, doing what you need to do throughout your day.

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• pile two •

cards: 7 of wands, 3 of cups, the lovers, {7 of cups at the bottom of the deck}

the first thing that i’m picking up on is that you’re viewed as someone who is very defensive of their friends/whoever you’re out with. defensive and protective. i’m seeing you staring down or calling out someone who’s being visibly creepy or disrespectful to your friend/loved one. no fucks given. you seem to look like the type of person who’s willing to fight to protect and defend the people who you care about lmaoo. some of you could be known for getting into fights with people over disrespectful behaviour too 👀. i think that your reputation is that you really don’t play about your friends and/or family 😂. overall, the public doesn’t really know how to take you. because you’re clearly someone who’s very loving, but you’re picky with who you choose to love and care about. and you show love to people in profound ways. so people can’t really call you a bitch and act like you’re just rude. because you’re not. you just have certain standards. overall, people don’t know too much about you, but they can see that you’re definitely multifaceted. to the point where they can’t really put you under a label. i also heard that you “seem like a fever dream” whatever tf that means.

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• pile three •

cards: ace of swords, 3 of swords, the stars

for some reason i’m picking up on quite a few of you who live with physical disabilities or ailments that are obvious and visible to other people. if this isn’t a visible physical disability, then it’s a visible mental health condition - i’m mainly seeing severe depression. someone who is visibly depressed and struggling mentally. despite the public seeing whatever pain is visible on your face or in your body, there’s also an energy of you being extremely “healing for the soul”. you seem to bring a lot of peace and much-needed comfort to others. you stand out for something that makes you endearing. your energy is very young and inclusive. so the public may be able to tell that you’re someone who’s extremely open minded, being able to speak to any type of person. you seem very kind, especially in small interactions with others. like retail/customer service workers, anyone who may need help in public, children, etc. your smile is very healing. your chiron and midheaven might be in easier aspects to each other in your chart (conjunction, trine, sextile).

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[fantasyescapes17]

Wings (Part 3)

Your debut in society was as spectacular as one could be, but nobody had prepared you for what came afterward. When you find yourself overwhelmed during your very first season and unable to keep up with the rat race to secure yourself an eligible husband, a curious mentor appears- in the form of notorious flirt and self-proclaimed rake, Mr. Kim Mingyu.

Genre: Mingyu x Female!reader. Regency!AU. You are Jeonghan's sibling so your last name is Yoon but the reader has no other physical characteristics.

Warnings: Discussions of social anxiety, kinda sleazy Baron, smoking (don't smoke kids, the characters in this story are from a time when they didn't know how bad it was for their health)

Word Count: 6.1k+

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4 Part 5

Series Masterlist [You WILL need to read Patience, the earlier installment in this series first in order to understand the character dynamics in this story. Reading Candle before this is also strongly recommended.]

You were determined that the Hessington's ball would be your grand societal redemption. 

You spent most of Saturday preparing yourself physically and mentally for the evening ahead. Mr. Kim had written out a list of potential conversation starters, compliments, and other helpful notes and tips for you to practise with. You read and memorised his notes thoroughly. Mr. Kim's bold penmanship had almost become more familiar to you than your own handwriting. 

Your first foray into London society had been clumsy and poorly thought through. But you were reborn, you had learned from your mistakes, and you could not possibly be more prepared. 

Of course, there was one small aspect of your life that no amount of preparation could ever help you overcome.

"I insist on continuing to chaperone you myself," your mother announced firmly. 

You bit your lip. "Mother, there is really no need-"

"There is every need," she said. The carriage rolled down the street towards the Hessingtons' manor with only the two of you in it. Your brother and sister-in-law would be attending the ball but to avoid your mother's ire, they rode in a separate carriage. 

"Jeonghan is very well suited to make introductions for me to the eligible gentlemen," you protested weakly.

"I will not hear of it. Why should I trust that man to find you a good husband? He certainly did nothing useful for your elder sister. Now, I have heard that Baron Wright is on the lookout for a bride. He was courting Miss Hong earlier, but naturally she ruined herself so he is very much available."

You blinked. You had heard of Miss Hong's misfortunes from your sister-in-law. 

"Was he not the one who spread the rumours that ruined Miss Hong?" you demanded. 

Your mother frowned. "And why should that matter?"

You were silent. It was no use arguing with your mother. She always had to have the last word and frankly, it was easier to simply let her have it. 

The carriage rolled to a stop and you took a deep breath as you descended. The familiar nerves and anxiety in your chest slowly began to build when you saw the number of fashionable people walking towards the entrance. 

"Don't lean on your left leg so much," your mother hissed in your ear. She had seized your arm in a painfully tight grip. "If you limp, people will ask questions. Stand straight."

Your mother's death grip on your arm was not helping your breathing. You forced a smile on your face as the Hessingtons welcomed you at the entrance of the manor. Their ballroom was smaller than the Grahams' and consequently felt less intimidating but more suffocating. 

Your mother's fingers dug harder into your arm. 

"You look flustered," she hissed again. "People will notice. Relax and smile prettily, not as though someone is forcefully pulling your cheeks apart."

Your chest felt tighter and tighter. 

"I am trying-"

"Miss Yoon! Mrs. Yoon!" a gentleman's voice greeted you loudly. 

It would be an understatement to say that relief flooded through every single cell of your body at the sound of Mr. Kim Mingyu's voice. His deep voice and charming smile was to you what a lifeboat would be to a man drowning at sea. Your shoulders relaxed and you beamed up at your handsome saviour. 

"Mr. Kim," your mother greeted him with a simpering smile. "How lovely to see you."

He nodded politely at your mother. "And you, madam. But I confess nothing can be more lovely than seeing your daughter. May I have the pleasure of your first dance, Miss Yoon?"

You did not give your mother the opportunity to interfere. You instantly placed your hand in his. 

"Of course, Mr. Kim."

He smiled and whisked you away from your mother just in time to join the dancing that was about to begin. Mr. Kim was a considerate dancer. You allowed him to take the lead and he leaned closer to speak to you in a hushed tone. 

"Not a great start to the evening?" Mr. Kim asked you gently. "You already look a little worried."

"My mother is not helping," you admitted with a sigh. "With her chaperoning me, I have a real voice in my ear to criticise me in addition to the one inside my head."

"I consider it my duty to help you silence both voices," he replied with a grin. 

"We may be able to silence the one in my head yet, but my mother? She is beyond even your capabilities, Mr. Kim," you teased him. 

Mr. Kim looked playfully affronted. "Do you think I am unfamiliar with your mother? You forget that I have years of experience orchestrating your sister's social appearances. Indeed, I am one of the few men responsible for preventing your mother from making her a match. I shall be very disappointed if your sister and Seungcheol do not have a special mention for me at their wedding reception."

You giggled. "Perhaps they will. But I hope you will not employ the same tactics with me. We are not aiming to ruin my prospects. I intend to find my husband."

"We can find you a husband while also keeping your mother away from you."

"An ambitious goal. If you can achieve it, then you shall certainly have a special mention at my wedding reception," you promised him. 

Mr. Kim grinned down at you. 

"I have a certain magical touch when it comes to these matters," he replied. "Look! It is your first dance at tonight's ball and you are already dancing marvellously and having a normal conversation with me. I dare say you look almost confident, my dear Miss Yoon."

You stared up at him. While wrapped up in Mr. Kim's smooth words and following his comfortable lead, you had almost forgotten that you were in the middle of a crowded ballroom with people watching your every move.

"I feel relaxed with you," you admitted. "But I must replicate this success with other gentlemen before I can congratulate myself."

"I promise you shall. Now; our dance will come to an end soon, and I think it is important that we choose your next dance partner carefully to prevent any relapses."

You glanced around the room nervously. "I think my mother may expect me to dance with Baron Wright this evening. She was talking about him earlier."

Mr. Kim's eyes widened. "Terrible idea. I think you should start with someone simpler- allow me to make the necessary introductions. Mr. Wen Junhui is a businessman and he travels frequently in Asia with his business partner, Mr. Xu. He delights in talking about his travels. If you can only ask him a few polite questions about them, he will talk about them long enough to keep you occupied for the entire dance."

You took a deep breath. The idea of dancing with anyone other than Mr. Kim was nerve-wracking but you had to do it. You trusted him; his advice had not failed you so far. 

The dance came to an end and you followed Mr. Kim off the dance floor. He swiftly and expertly led you away from your waiting mother and towards a pair of gentlemen that stood near a refreshment table. 

"Mr. Wen! Allow me to introduce you to Miss Yoon. She is the youngest sister of Mr. Yoon Jeonghan and I have taken it upon myself to find her next dance partner," Mr. Kim said brightly. 

Mr. Wen was a handsome man with a friendly countenance. 

"It would be an honour to have your next dance, Miss Yoon," he said. 

You accepted his hand nervously. It was not as easy as it had been with Mr. Kim, and it was difficult not to let the nerves overwhelm you. You noticed Mr. Kim watching you carefully from the corner of your eye. He gave you an encouraging smile. 

You can do this.

You had to give Mr. Kim credit where it was due. He had a knack for these things, and Mr. Wen proved to be a perfectly safe choice for your first dance partner. Junhui was an exceptional dancer and enjoyed talking about his travels in Asia. 

You only really had to smile and nod through the dance. Mr. Wen spent most of it excitedly telling you about some exotic dance performances he had witnessed while touring Japan and a safari where he had seen lions and elephants up close. He did try to politely ask you about yourself, which was the only brief moment when you sensed that the conversation was entering dangerous territory. 

Mr. Kim was watching closely from the corner of the ballroom and you remembered the notes he had prepared for you. You took a deep breath and used some of his clever one-liners, carefully placing the conversational ball back in Mr. Wen's court so that you did not have to keep it going. 

"Thank you, Miss Yoon," Mr. Wen said once you finished the dance. "That was a wonderful dance."

"Thank you very much, Mr. Wen. I enjoyed it as well."

He left. You were so thrilled by your success that you simply stood alone for a moment and revelled in your achievement. You had done it. You had made it through an entire dance with a gentleman without stumbling, stuttering, or making a faux pas. 

This was, in comparison to your first ball, a resounding success. 

"You seem pleased," Mr. Kim remarked with a grin as strode up to you. "I presume that went well?"

"It went excellently," you gushed. "You were right. I did not need to worry so much about the conversation, as long as I knew the right words to encourage him to do most of the speaking. And since the conversation was flowing smoothly I only needed to focus on my dancing."

"No dangerous thoughts?"

"No dangerous thoughts," you confirmed happily. 

Mr. Kim opened his mouth to respond but he was interrupted by the arrival of your mother. The mere sight of her caused your smile to fall and the situation was worsened by the fact that she was accompanied by a tall and imposing-looking man. 

"My dear!" your mother gushed. "You must come see who has asked to be introduced to you- Baron Wright himself!"

Baron Wright's eyes landed on yours. He reached for your hand and lifted it to your lips in a way that made your skin crawl. "Miss Yoon," he said silkily. "It is a delight to make your acquaintance. I have heard so much about you. You are certainly this season's most awaited debutante."

His words were somewhat familiar and you realised that you had heard them before- in your own voice, reading them out in front of a mirror from Mr. Kim's notes. 

You forced a smile. "Thank you, Baron Wright."

"May I have the pleasure of the next dance-"

Mr. Kim interrupted him with a polite  smile that did not reach his hard eyes. "I am afraid that pleasure already belongs to me, Baron Wright. Miss Yoon has promised this dance to me."

Baron Wright's smile faltered. "I believe you have already danced with Miss Yoon once this evening."

"And I intend to dance with her again."

"Then perhaps the next-"

Mr. Kim cut him off rudely and extended his hand to you. "Come, Miss Yoon, the music is beginning."

You were wide-eyed and numb from the shocking encounter. Mr. Kim whisked you away quickly for another dance and you looked up at him in shock. "Mr. Kim! How could you be so rude to a Baron?" you demanded in a hushed tone. 

Mr. Kim raised an eyebrow. "Was I?"

"Exceedingly so?"

"Good. I have the displeasure of knowing Baron Wright better than I'd like. A man who maliciously ruins the lives of others is not one whom I care to be polite to."

Your voice softened. "Oh yes; my sister-in-law mentioned that you were good friends with Mr. Jeon Wonwoo. I imagine you were part of the group of gentlemen who attempted to prevent Baron Wright from creating the scandal."

"I was," Mr. Kim's voice was hard. "He was rude and unreasonable. Viscount Hong offered him a tremendous sum of money but the Baron insisted on spreading the rumour anyway."

You swallowed. "But my mother is quite set on him."

"I am sure you will be able to manage even the likes of Baron Wright soon enough," Mr. Kim told you gently. His dark gaze softened as he looked down at you. "But for now, I would recommend that we keep him at a distance."

"Understood. Thank you."

As you danced, Mr. Kim told you more about how Baron Wright had single-handedly ruined the lives of both Mr. Jeon Wonwoo and Miss Hong by spreading a rumour that they had been caught in a compromising position at the Duchess’ ball. The pair had been forced to enter into a loveless marriage and leave London due to the scandal. You could tell from Mr. Kim’s tone that the story pained him. He evidently cared greatly for Mr. Jeon and worried about him. 

“It is such a horrible thing to hear about,” you admitted with a sigh. “I am shocked that Miss Hong was strong enough to bear it. To be caught in a scandal would be my worst nightmare.” 

Mr. Kim sighed. “Indeed; the irony of the situation is that they were not even lovers at all.” 

“Would it have made a difference if they were?” 

“If they had truly been lovers then they would not have gotten caught in a compromising position so easily,” Mr. Kim told you with a chuckle. “Wonwoo’s lack of experience and intent was his undoing. If he had truly wanted some time alone with a paramour then I would have been glad to point out a hundred different places he could have done so without being caught.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him. “And you are the resident expert in such matters?” 

He grinned mischievously. “Surely you have not forgotten that I am a rake? I know I often act like a gentleman but really, Miss Yoon, you should not allow my charming manners to fool you.”

“I think,” you said thoughtfully as you looked up at the man in front of you. “You are a gentleman who acts like a rake, and not a rake who acts like a gentleman.”  

“Is there a difference?” 

“I believe so.” 

Mr. Kim seemed content with your assessment. You observed that while he was not frivolous by any means, he seemed to take everything that people said about him in a light-hearted spirit. The dance came to an end and you were approached by your sister-in-law. Mr. Kim greeted her warmly before moving away to converse with Jeonghan. 

Your sister-in-law took your arm and pulled you aside. She was smiling. 

“You seem to be almost a different person than you were last week,” she told you brightly. “You are glowing.” 

You pressed your gloved hand to your cheek, embarrassed. “Am I?” 

“You are. You looked beautiful dancing with Mr. Kim earlier. I don’t think I have ever even seen you smile so brightly! It was certainly very different from your dance at the Duchess’ ball. Mrs. Patty and all those old crones were talking about how you were the belle of the ball and I even heard a few gentlemen say that they could not wait for their turn to dance with you.” 

It was high praise indeed. You tried to stay calm. 

You bit your lip and nodded. “I think the credit goes to Mr. Kim. I am not sure why, but I feel entirely comfortable in his presence. He seems to understand me very well."

Your sister-in-law's smile stiffened a little. "You seem to have grown quite close with him."

"Perhaps I have."

"Are you in love with him?"

Your eyes widened at the sudden question. "No!" was your immediate answer, before you paused to actually consider it. You glanced at Mr. Kim out of the corner of your eye. "At least, I do not think so. I do trust him but that is partly because you trust him. And as I mentioned before, I feel quite relaxed and comfortable with him unlike with other gentlemen."

She nodded. "I see."

"Do you think I am in love with him?" you asked anxiously. "Did you feel comfortable and relaxed with my brother when you met him?"

Your sister-in-law looked mildly embarrassed. "I… would not say that comfortable describes our early interactions very well. I found Jeonghan more thrilling and exciting than comfortable."

You tilted your head thoughtfully. "I don't think I find Mr. Kim very thrilling. I must not be in love with him, then."

"Perhaps not," your sister-in-law replied simply. 

Your conversation was brought to a halt by the approach of a familiar, imposing-looking gentleman. Baron Wright had made a beeline for you. Horrified, you turned towards Mr. Kim Mingyu for help; but Mr. Kim was facing away from you while he spoke to Jeonghan and had not noticed the Baron at all. 

"Miss Yoon," the Baron greeted you in his silky tone. "I was unable to secure your company for the previous dance. Will you join me for this one?"

Your eyes widened in panic. You glanced at your sister-in-law but even she could think of no way to save you from the Baron without causing a scene. You could not possibly refuse his request for a dance without being shockingly rude. 

Your heart dropped into your stomach. 

"Y-yes," you said shakily after counting to five in your head and realising that nobody was coming to rescue you from this situation. "I-it would be a pleasure."

The Baron took your hand. His grip was strong, much stronger than it needed to be and you realised to your horror that the dance was a slow waltz. His other hand placed itself firmly and uncomfortably on your back. 

Your skin crawled. 

"Miss Yoon," Baron Wright began as he led you into the dance. His steps were too fast; it was difficult to keep up with him. "It seems you are one of the most desired young ladies in the room. Most of the ton is talking about how you made a mark during your presentation in court."

You were not listening to him. His words were like white noise in your ears. It was sinking in that you were not only dancing with one of the richest and most influential gentlemen in the room. This was the man who had reduced Miss Hong- confident, beautiful, fashionable, rich Miss Hong- to a mere joke, a subject of the ton's ridicule. He had unsympathetically and single-handedly ruined a Viscount's sister. 

What could he do to you? 

Anything. 

It was sheer terror that caused your hands and knees to tremble as you tried to keep up with the dance. His steps were quick and you recoiled from his unpleasant touch. 

"Miss Yoon?" he repeated. 

"Y-yes?"

 "I was talking about your presentation in court."

Your throat was tight and you could hear his voice only faintly over the sound of your heart pounding in your chest. 

"M-my presentation," you said quickly. "Yes. It… it went very well."

"I know. I was there."

"Oh."

It was all ending. Baron Wright would tell everyone that the younger Miss Yoon was a babbling fool, that she could not keep up with a slow waltz and could barely hold a conversation and your prospects would be ruined and nobody would marry you and your sister, your poor, dear, unmarried, longing-for-Mr..Choi sister….

The anxiety spiral had reached its peak. 

"Miss Yoon?"

Your eyes snapped up to look at the Baron again. 

"Y-yes?"

"I asked how you are finding London. I imagine your first season cannot be easy," the Baron said simply. 

You tried to remember what Mr. Kim had taught you. What had he said to do when you were spiralling into anxious thoughts of your sister? Something about a happy thought, a pleasant memory, a pony…

It was useless. You could not even remember what Chocolate the pony looked like. What popped into your mind's eye was not a distant memory Chocolate the pony from when you were ten years old, but the clear fresh memory of Mr. Kim Mingyu.

Mr. Kim's charming smile, the way his eyes twinkled playfully down at you and the way his warm hand felt in yours. His familiar, clean scent and how his mere presence put you at ease and relaxed your nerves. You could almost see him now. 

You could almost pretend Baron Wright was Mr. Kim.

It did not come naturally. The two gentlemen looked very different, but you only had to look in the Baron's direction while allowing your mind's eye to take over. You told yourself that this was Mr. Kim's hand in yours, that he was the one standing in front of you with a cheeky smile and teasing you about your first season in London. 

"London," you said shakily. "Suits me very well."

Baron/Mr. Kim nodded. "I imagine it can be quite daunting for young ladies such as yourself."

"I certainly prefer the countryside since I grew up on the estate and spent most of my childhood there. But I cannot pretend that country life has any of the excitement that London provides. They each have their own virtues."

"Spoken like a diplomat."

"What do you prefer, sir?"

"I rather like London. As you said, it is filled with excitement and I spend most of my time here. Once I am married, however, perhaps I will retire to my country estate to be with my family more."

You wondered what Mr. Kim's estate was like. You knew he had one, but you had never asked him about it. 

"Tell me more about your estate," you said. 

You listened in silence as Baron Wright began to talk about his grand countryside estate and his manor with thirteen bedrooms and large hunting grounds. Your heartbeat was no longer out of control. There was still a tight feeling in your chest but it had become manageable and you concentrated on your steps to keep the dance going smoothly.

The dance finally came to an end. The Baron did not release you immediately and you almost had to squirm your way out of his grasp and walk away from him. 

Mr. Kim was standing near the wall of the ballroom. He was looking right at you, his dark eyes filled with a genuine worry and concern as he walked towards you briskly.

"I am so sorry," Mr. Kim said to you in a low voice. "I did not see him, I should have intervened. Are you all right?"

You avoided his gaze. 

"I need a smoke," you mumbled. 

Mr. Kim's expression softened with understanding. He cleared his throat and then whispered to you quickly and furtively. "Walk out of that door and go down the hallway. Third door to the right is a balcony. I will join you in two minutes."

You nodded and swiftly followed his instructions. You emerged onto a deserted balcony and took a deep breath of the fresh air. It was a few moments later than Mr. Kim emerged onto the balcony with a cigar in hand. 

You took it from him silently. Your hands were trembling so Mr. Kim lit it for you and then leaned against the railing as he watched you you take a long shaky, drag and exhale into the cool night air. 

"I assume that it was not easy," he said quietly. 

"No," you admitted. 

"You seem to have emerged from the lion's den without too much trouble. I was watching from the sidelines; you did not appear too flustered towards the end. I even saw you speaking to him. How did you keep the anxiety under control?" he asked.

You glanced at him out of the corner of your eye. Mr. Kim seemed genuinely worried about you. 

"I did not," you said before taking another drag from the cigar. The shaky exhale helped relax your nerves. "The anxiety spiralled as it always does but I was… I was able to distract myself from it with a pleasant thought."

Mr. Kim nodded appreciatively. "Ah, yes. Chocolate the pony. Excellent. I am glad that worked."

You looked at him for a long moment? Should you tell him? Should you tell him that it was not thoughts of a godforsaken pony that had grounded you and calmed you but him? 

You had been completely open with Mr. Kim from the beginning. From the start you had confessed to him all your fears and insecurities and worries. 

But this… this seemed different. For the first time you felt as though what you had done to cope with Baron Wright was simply too personal, too intimate to reveal to Mr. Kim. For the first time, you feared how he might react to this particular revelation. 

"Yes," you said simply after a long pause.

Mr. Kim was smiling as he pulled another cigar out of his coat pocket and lit it for himself. "Well, this is certainly a cause for celebration! I expected that it would be weeks before you could make it through a dance with someone like Baron Wright, but you managed it quickly! My pupil has far exceeded my expectations."

You smiled at him shakily. "Your pupil almost had a nervous breakdown in the middle of a crowded ballroom."

Mr. Kim's eyes twinkled. "But the key word is almost."

"I imagine this bodes well for my matrimonial prospects," you replied. "But I would still like your continued support during the upcoming balls."

"Of course. I still have plenty to teach you."

You nodded. There was a brief, comfortable silence between you as you both stood against the balcony railing and smoked. Mr. Kim folded an arm across his chest and then turned to look at you curiously. 

"Can I ask you a question, Miss Yoon?"

"Certainly."

"I know that you primary objective this season is to secure a husband so that you can clear the path for your sister to marry Mr. Choi. But did you never hope to find love for yourself? I know most young ladies dream of finding true love."

You bit your lip and shrugged. "Perhaps I did dream of finding true love at one point. This is not how I imagined the process would be, though."

"How did you imagine it would be?"

"I expected that the process of getting to know a gentleman and falling in love with him would be more… natural? Organic? Certainly not filled with forcefully induced conversations and awkward  encounters and scheming and…" you paused and pulled out the notes that Mr. Kim had made for you from your skirts. "...rehearsed compliments. How does one fall in love if every word they speak is rehearsed as though it is all a play?"

Mr. Kim grinned. "You would be surprised how many ladies have fallen for those compliments."

You shook your head. "This can't be how one falls in love. Surely. This is merely a pantomime that one performs to find a husband or wife."

"You may have a point," Mr. Kim replied. "It is all a game. One can hone their skills at a game with practice and develop expertise, as I have done. But love… that is not a game."

"Do you not wish to marry?"

Mr. Kim tapped his cigar on the railing and blinked at you thoughtfully. "I have no need to marry. My parents have both passed away. If they had been alive they may have insisted upon my marrying, but in their absence…"

"So you wish to remain a bachelor forever?" you asked. "Are you quite set upon bachelorhood?"

"Not at all."

"Then you might be persuaded to marry?"

"I have yet to find someone with such persuasive capabilities," Mr. Kim said with a chuckle. "But I am afraid in our society the burden of persuasion is upon the gentleman. So the situation may never come to pass."

"Perhaps not."

Or perhaps it will. 

—----------------------------------

With the passage of time, it became increasingly difficult to deny that you were falling in love with Mr. Kim Mingyu. 

It was a natural outcome. As the busy London social season progressed over the weeks and months, he became an almost constant presence in your life. 

Mr. Kim was rarely far from you at any social event. You danced multiple dances together and he helped manoeuvre you out of tricky situations with your mother and other gentlemen. Finally, you both shared a secret cigar in some balcony or stolen corner of a garden at the end of each night. 

You had grown used to him, gradually, slowly, almost imperceptibly. Mr. Kim with his charming smiles and playful presence and intuitive remarks had wormed his way into your heart. It took his sudden absence- looking around a ballroom and finding him not there for you to realise just how much of your thoughts and being had started to centre around him. 

"Mr. Kim?" Jeonghan replied when you asked about him at the Duchess of Graham's garden party. "Oh, I do not think we shall see him today. He is quite busy these days with the opening of his new art gallery."

"Ah; of course!" your sister-in-law cried. "The grand opening is in two days!"

You nodded. Mr. Kim spoke about the gallery often. He was a patron of the arts, as he called himself; you took this to mean that he enjoyed artwork and often sponsored struggling young artists. His new gallery was an attempt to find a way for less privileged artists to display their artwork where it could be admired by more elite members of society. You respected Mr. Kim's intentions.

"Yes- we are all invited," Jeonghan replied. "It should be a rather interesting event. I know Mr. Kim was worried that he would not be able to open it before the season ended."

You nodded. "I am glad he will."

Jeonghan turned to you with a sigh. "While we are on the subject of the end of the season… how fares your search for a husband, sister? Your mother has been trying to distance me as much as possible from the process. But some gentlemen have approached me to express an interest in you. Is there any gentleman to whom I should grant my approval?"

Your heart sank. It was true; the season was ending, there was barely a fortnight left. You were running out of time to secure a proposal. It was not due to a lack of interest from the gentlemen of the ton, but due to your own reservedness and failure to encourage anyone that you had not received any definitive proposals. 

"Who has expressed interest?" your sister-in-law asked Jeonghan curiously. 

"Mr. Hessington and Mr. Carter both asked if I  believed my sister was partial to them. Not to mention Baron Wright has asked me multiple times for an audience this week. I have been putting him off."

Your eyes widened. "Baron Wright?"

Jeonghan nodded. "I am sure he means to ask for my permission to propose. He has certainly expressed a lot of interest in you despite how difficult Mr. Kim makes it for him."

You bit your lip anxiously. You had to secure a proposal before the season ended but the thought of marrying Baron Wright made you miserable. Nor did Mr. Hessington or Mr. Carter inspire any more positive feelings in you. 

It was beginning to occur to you that you did not wish to marry any of these men. 

Jeonghan noticed your miserable expression. "Sister? Is something the matter?"

You forced a smile and nodded. "Yes, I… I am thirsty. I shall be back with a glass of juice."

You stood up and walked away. The garden party was held at the Duchess of Graham's vast and beautiful gardens and there were many attendees. You had to pass by Viscountess Hong and Miss Ella Williams to reach the refreshments and the Viscountess called out to you. 

"Miss Yoon!" she said brightly. She was a kind woman with an almost motherly presence. "It is rather unusual to see you at a social event without Mr. Kim trailing behind you. Ms. Williams and I were just talking about how this season's belle of the ball has managed to bewitch the ton's most notorious rake!"

You blinked at them in surprise. "Oh… no, Mr. Kim is just very kind…"

Miss Williams giggled. "Yes, excessively kind indeed! So kind that he must dance multiple times with you at every event and goes as far as to snatch you away from other gentlemen!"

You could not blame them for misunderstanding. You forced a smile and nodded. "Well, yes… but Mr. Kim is quite a determined bachelor."

"By which you mean he is a rake," Miss Williams giggled. She suddenly lowered her voice and beckoned you to come closer to her. "I shall show you a secret, Miss Yoon, since I find myself rather fond of you. Do you see this little book? I have been keeping a record of all the bachelors of the ton for a while now."

You peeked at the little book she showed you. It was crammed with multiple pages of small, intense handwriting. 

"I have a page for each gentleman," she continued to explain. "Two for Mr. Kim since I could not fit the list of ladies that Mr. Kim is said to have courted in one page. Do you see it here?"

Your eyes widened at the list. It was not short. 

"O-oh," you said, your heart sinking. 

Viscountess Hong frowned at Miss Williams. "I am not sure that Miss Yoon quite understands what you mean by showing her this, Ella. You had better explain yourself."

Ella's eyes widened. "Oh! I apologise, Miss Yoon, it was not my intent to discourage you! Quite the opposite. It had become quite a habit of mine to add a new name every so often and it occurred to me the other day that it has been months since I had added a new name to the list! You can see here- the very last name is yours, which I added at the start  of the season."

You blinked down at your name at the end of the long list. Viscountess Hong looked at you with a warm smile. 

"I will not pretend that I am a fan of this list Ella keeps," the Viscountess said with a sigh. "But it is certainly something to think about. I am sure if any young lady had to choose where on that list she wanted her name to be, she would choose the last spot."

Ella giggled. "I do hope you receive a proposal from him soon, Miss Yoon. Not only because I am running out of pages in my book, but also because I think you shine quite brightly when you are with Mr. Kim."

It was becoming too much. The courtship was false, Mr. Kim was only your mentor, you would go so far as to call him a friend, perhaps, but he had never expressed an interest in being anything more. He had certainly never indicated an interest in marriage. You had suppressed all your hopes and thoughts of the future and simply enjoyed the time you spent with Mr. Kim. 

But these women did not realise that they were giving you a dangerous sort of  hope. 

"Thank you," you said politely to the women before leaving. You went back to your sister-in-law. She was seated alone now, as your brother had walked away to speak to some other gentlemen. 

"Are you all right?" she asked you. 

You shook your head miserably. Your hands were trembling. "I think I have done something that you will consider me very, very foolish for having done."

Her expression was gentle. "And what is that?"

"I think I have fallen in love with Mr. Kim."

She did not seem surprised. Her hand reached out to grasp yours comfortingly. She lowered her voice. "My dear. There is nothing foolish about falling in love. It happens to all of us, each in our own time and in our own way. The foolishness is only regarding what we do with our feelings."

"And what shall I do with mine?"

She bit her lip. "I cannot pretend to know Mr. Kim's heart. You must find out for yourself what it is."

"How shall I do that?"

She laughed. "You show him yours, my dear."

—--------------------------------------------------------

[cute-girls-from-vns-anime-manga]

hey i understand if you don't want to explain your sexuality to everybody but ive been thinking that i might be aro ace or both but the main counterevidence is my attraction to cute anime girls... so it would really help me if you could, like, talk about it...? once again, I totally understand if you don't want to though.

Took me a very long time to come to terms with this aspect of myself too, its a complex and frustrating thing to even convey within words best way Ive been able to put it is that Ive accepted a contradiction as a fact of myself.

The fact is I do become sexually aroused and my fetishism for hair and ponytails is undeniable, hell at times I even yearn for the companionship of a stable relationship. But its also a fact that I recoil from even the concept of engaging in that sort of physical or relational intimacy. When I encounter even the minute potential to progress any sort of relationship IRL I eject myself from the situation as quickly as possible.

Ive been single since I was sixteen in which a girl asked me out at that age and we dated for two weeks before I became so physically and emotionally uncomfortable I felt I had to beak things off its been over a decade and Im comfortable and happy being single working on my projects and working on myself. As a person my concept of my sexuality is predicated that contradiction and that confuses and angers many people who want a nice clean dividing line to put me into a box they can understand and categorize.

Considering myself AroAce for me helped my mental health and self image a lot since it is me admitting that Im not just broken and its not anyone else's fault I just dont want those things and thats my choice to make about myself! Being Ace isnt a set in stone thing either Ive held in myself the possibility that maybe someday things will happen where I do end up in a relationship that doesn't change that right now I dont want those things

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗

[weebsinstash]

So fandom specific posts are to follow eventually, but this is going to be a general concept. I've been thinking A LOT on alternative takes to the red string of fate trope and I started wondering about a hypothetical idea of the strings changing in appearance based on the current health and mental well being of the person they're attached to, even to the point where the strings do not properly appear if you're in bad mental health

For example, some of these AUs have the string where you have to think about it to summon it whenever and you can follow it as long as you want, and some have the string only appear when you are within a certain proximity to your other half

First and foremost, what if, when your string appears, you could make it vanish again at will. Not like permanantly, but like, say, if your string keeps appearing and you don't want it to be used to track your physical location, you have to concentrate similar to using a specific muscle and you can "force them back" so they can't find you. Just imagining the growing frustrations of a yandere who has to wait until you fall asleep to even make progress on your actual location because otherwise it's, them summoning your string for about .5 seconds before you notice and shut that shit off immediately, like two people on opposite ends of the room both toggling switches for the same light

But anyways, back to the alternative appearance strings, could you then imagine a scenario where, your yandere has their string appear and after a certain length, it changes colors for the rest of the strand, signifying your string and your own well-being, and the color immediately signifies something incredibly serious and worrying to them that immediately has them speeding to your side to check on you even if they've never met you before, regardless of if it's a couple blocks over or if they have to follow that string across the world. And then you can pair that with the "string blocking" idea and you have an extremely frantic yandere who is freaking out, "my soulmate is in trouble, why won't they let me come help them?! This is why they need me!!!" Amd they KNOW you are deliberately holding them off so, whatever aspects from that, whether it's a sadistic yandere who is amused by your spunk, or a nurturing yandere who automatically takes this as affirmation that you're just a sweet nervous little bean who needs their guidance, look at you being so scared of your own soulmate you silly little goose--

I only have two alternative colors, technically three different ideas total, but, I considered the idea of someone's string slowly turning white and becoming more visibly frayed if someone is seriously ill and or dying, eventually snapping and disappearing upon true death, and I thought it would be interesting if this "physical health symptom" also manifested for suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation. Your yandere has your half of the string appear connected to theirs and they IMMEDIATELY know you're in trouble and they come to find you at all costs and you're... so depressed you can't even be excited to meet them and may even still want to die and just tell them to go away. Your yandere all but kicks down your door, "honey I'm here and I'm ready to love you!

Continuing from that last point, the other idea I'm really growing attached to that is probably my favorite is the idea of the BLUE string of fate: a string that appears on someone who is currently not within the right mental state to be in love or needs some sort of help or time to heal from a trauma before they are ready. Your other half tries to summon their string? The other end of it cuts off mid-air and hangs off their hand, leading nowhere, useless, unable to be followed, only a couple inches of blue their only hint if they even have a soulmate at all, but it can't lead them to you, driving them crazy who you are and where you are

I also considered the idea for alternate colors if two people are soulmates but they have, shall we say, an alternative dynamic? Like you could also technically use the blue string (although i personally think green or elsewise for this example would work better) for like, two aromantic people who are platonic soulmates or that have some incredibly strong nonromantic nonsexual love for someone? Or if you had, say, an aroace or just aro person and their soulmate was an allosexual of some kind. Idk it just sounds intriguing to play around with the concepts since you know, there's more than just romantic and platonic love and it can be an extremely nuanced feeling and love also doesn't inherently translate into sexual desires as another aspect and in this essay I will--

Either way, I feel like once I interact with certain tropes for another years, I wanna start throwing some seasonings in there. Spice up this bitch and saute it. I'm out here giving ABO a broader range of vocalizations to the point Omega can make clicking "distress call" noises to signal for help when trapped or injured. I'm over here "what if scenting could be done with any physical touch and the nature of the scent can be intentionally controlled to convey certain feelings so your yandere Alpha could give you a friendly shoulder pat and suddenly you're walking around with Don't Touch My Mate Or I'll Fucking Kill You scent all over you and you have no idea"

I just. Final thing. Can you imagine being in the same room as your yandere and, THEY KNOW they feel some sort of attraction to you they can't explain, but you dont really talk or make any effort to interact with them, and one day you overhear your yandere talking about how they don't have a soulmate yet and they summon their string and half of it is blue and here you are, subtly sneaking out of the room, staring down at your own cobalt thread and wondering, "am I.... THEIR...?"and deciding to intentionally keep it a secret, but eventually you two grow close enough or, someone says something to you that opens your heart and let's you love yourself enough that, a tiny voice inside of you is like "yeah... I WOULD like a partner to spend time and laugh with, i want to koge and im ready to take the risk" and your yandere literally watches your string, and by extension the string on the other end of theirs, completely change colors and finally fully connect, so then you have the slow burn, kind of one sided pining that absolutely explodes in intensity once your yandere finds out it was you all along

Just might be a couple of fun concepts to play around with in the future. You guys know I love drama...

[liquidorcard]

Hey fam we're gunna inact in some sinful behavior again and get real for a sec here on the shitposting blog so TW: Discussion of substance abuse, mental health issues, SA, etc.

You may have noticed I took a bit of a break from posting for a bit. It wasn't entirely due to Lily's "junkie" rant here, but it was partially responsible.

A lot about Lily high key cheeses my biscuits, I've made that pretty clear. Lily and I have a . . . Strange amount in common in some regards. I'm a trans person myself, I come from a similar, shall we say, "dysfunctional home environment" Lily does. We're even both Canadian, close enough in age I grew up with a lot of the exact same regional-specific media she did. We've had some other life experiences in common.

With that said, Lily's almost like the evil funhouse mirror version of my life. I was sexually assaulted for the first time at basically the exact same age Courtney was. Lily reminds me very much of my first partner, who physically, emotionally and sexually abused me. Unlike Lily, I am from an actual multi-racial family and have had the somewhat unique experiences and gotten the somewhat unique perspective of being a white person partially influenced and organically adopted into more predominantly POC culture. I've had to come to terms with my own white privilege and the ways Western colonialism has influenced me on a level far more personal than it would be for someone from a more monoracial and monocultural family than mine. While also coming to terms with and accepting the ways my family has been judged and discriminated against for being so blended.

There's also just the fact that Lily seems to (I wonder if, on some level, intentionally) act like the alt-right caricature of a progressive leftist in the most performative way imaginable, while also clearly not actually being left-wing at all. My pet theory is that the only thing stopping Lily from going full Blaire White MAGA butt monkey is that her pride can't take it. Being treated like a useful idiot for the right to "prove" they're not bigots while treating her with open hostility in every other regard. So she's as "leftist" as she needs to be to get the 12 year olds she's trying to court on her side because they don't know any better. While being profoundly anti-labor, pro-capitalist. Even though the only reason why the alt-right hyper focus on identity politic bullshit like that is becayse it's a wedge issue that allows them to skirt around talking about actual policy.

There's also just the fact that someone can be so, confidently, shit-eating levels of wrong and stupid about the most asinine things. I actually work professionally in the fields Lily has decided her opinions are worth vomiting out into the ether. Fields people in general are way too comfortable speaking with authority on shit they know absolutely nothing about-- but Lily is for sure a special case.

Point is: I'm very used to Lily making me go into turbo big upsetti spaghetti mode. I've been aware of her for YEARS. I'm over it . . . Until I'm not.

I've alluded to it a few times already: I'm a recovered drug user, though I've struggled with general substance abuse and impulse control issues for longer. Particularly because of untreated mental health issues like C-PTSD, a dissociative disorder, gender dysphoria and ADHD. Particularly because of untreated physical health issues that just a few years ago almost killed me. Issues that caused me significant pain, mental distress, and slowly worsening disability since I was 11 years old. Went totally untreated until they came close to taking my life. It's no coincidence that I started stealing my parent's booze when I was around 12 or 13 years old.

The worst, ugliest, most humiliating aspects of yourself? Addiction will put them front and center. It will cause you to do things, act in ways, find out things about yourself you're never going to be able to unknow. You have to live with for the rest of your life.

You're aware of it-- the whole time. What a fucking creature you've become. How you are hurting the people closest to you. It's not fun. The whole time, you want to stop. But you can't. You don't know why you just can't control yourself, what you're supposed to do. You're afraid of asking for help out of fear of judgement or punishment. Drugs are mostly decriminalized in Canada and still, if someone just took access away from my poison of choice and sent me on my way with no further help--- I would have just walked into traffic.

The worst of my issues happened due to some absolutely insane levels of medical irresponsibility that I won't fully get into because they're too long to explain. But I will tell you that, already aware I had substance abuse issues, I *explicitly warned* the doctor who prescribed me the medication that I didn't feel I could be responsible to be put on anything addictive. She assured me it was not. Spoiler altert: it was addictive. A lot of addicts descent into rock bottom beginning with something they were prescribed.

Drug companies will put in these "anti-abuse" measures into otherwise addictive substances that it takes half a brain cell to circumvent. Just take my word for it.

I overdosed at least once, maybe twice on the drug I was originally prescribed. Alone. By some insane luck I survived both times without getting further medical treatment. But as I built up a tolerance what I was originally prescribed wasn't the *only thing* I ended up abusing in that period of my life. I was going to die if I didn't do something soon, and I knew it.

I was lucky. My sister drove two cities over after a night shift to my rescue and quite literally set me on the road to saving my life. My doctor was compassionate enough to allow me to get off of what I was originally addicted to at my own pace, and correctly identified I needed a medication overhaul to do so. My older brother made sure I wasn't dying of dehydration or starvation during my detox period and made sure to do the daily tasks I didn't have the mental capacity to do at that time aswell. Without them I wouldn't be here today.

NOT EVERY DRUG USER IS AS FORTUNATE AS ME, HOWEVER. And even then, recovery is not a straight line, or as simple as having certain substances kept away. It's a demon you'll be fighting the rest of your life, in many instances. Mine included. Part of getting off the harmful substances I was was getting a prescription to Adderall, as I was partially self-medicating for. Something my doctor still monitors me with to ensure I'm not falling back into bad habits with. Something Lily is CURRENTLY bitching about not being able to get a prescription for-- I wonder why, Lily.

I have now gone through THREE surgeries without painkillers. And in one particularly awful incident, was treated rather cruelly by the medical staff over refusing to take them. To quote, of all things, fucking Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo, "if you live with pain long enough, you learn to enjoy the taste." But nothing is like the nightmare of chemical dependence. Pain is immaterial to that kind of hell.

I know Lily is saying this bullshit just to vaguepost about Courtney, but I don't care. Fuck her. Fuck her for daring to judge me, and those like me. That she was that comfortable being this vile about the matter publically should give you a good indication as to how comfortable even other people are to talking down to addicts.

She wouldn't have survived the shit I went through. I dare her to try. She's way too much of a little piss baby to crawl her way out of that kind of suffering.

I know this is a meme page, but I refuse to be ashamed of talking about it. If anyone would like some more information about my experience or has questions as to why Lily's opinion on the matter is dogshit and vile, feel free to dm me or send me an ask. I'll make it clear why Lily is fucking scum for having the balls to say this publically. I'll make her regret it.

[shawtythatluvsurgut]

gunna have a video of me feeding my feedee up on my onlyfans soon. i’m thinking about starting it back up while i take a break from college because it was kind of empowering to get to own my kink in such a way. I also enjoy sharing that side of myself with all of you. subscription price will be between $8-$10/mo since my feedee is going to be collaborating with me on certain pieces of content. i will maybe begin gaining again once i get my health back in check, we’ll see. i want my muscle mommy build back, and to get that back i’ll have to pack on some weight. so we’ll see what happens with that. ;)

in the meantime and between-time, stay safe. especially on the internet. all of my old rules still apply for messaging me, but i will gradually get back to making regular content and posts. now that i am taking a break from school, i’m working more, but I also have free time on my hands when i’m not working. it feels really nice to get back into the swing of things. I’ve missed you all and I’ve missed the positive aspects of this community.

going forward, i’m just going to block people who talk shit to me or delete their comments (unless it’s of actual importance to discuss). i’m just done engaging with that shit. idk, i’m on new medication that seem to be actually working and i feel stable, so i feel ready to re-embrace this community with open arms.

a special thank you to everyone who continued engaging with me and communicating with me during my break. i appreciate all of your kind words more than you know, and if i didn’t respond to you it was because i didn’t want the answer to “hey how are you?” to be “i’m miserable. how are you?”. but I saw all of you - each and every message, comment, text, etc. - and i just want to say thank you. the people who still proceeded to message me with positivity are the reason I have decided I want to come back.

With all that being said, I hope you will all accept me back. I understand that some of you were upset that I left and didn’t understand my reasonings, but I hope we can reconcile our differences and i can gain your trust again. I’m not the angry person that I became when responding to hate messages, and that also influenced my time away. I could see that my demeanor on this hellsite was changing and I was getting more upset, angry and, honestly, afraid of going on here (let alone posting myself on here). However, that has changed. I’ve been working on being more optimistic and caring less about the negative opinions of others. Frankly, if someone doesn’t like me or my content they should just be an adult about it and either reach out to discuss that or ignore me. If they can’t do that, I believe they are childish and need to get a grip. There are some key things I’ve learned in life that I want to share with people who are as I described above:

- your comfort is not someone else’s responsibility. if it makes you uncomfortable, then don’t engage. It’s as simple as that.

- no one has to cater to your interests. everyone lives on their own agenda. your wants and desires do not take priority over the wants and desires of others. sure, there are some people who will cater to your every wish, but i’m definitely not one of them.

- similarly to above, your desires do not take priority over someone’s health. that includes both mental health and physical health. (death feedism is a thing if you are interested in someone wanting to gain while not caring about their health. this is not a death feedism page and i suggest you go search in the tags for that if it is what you are looking for. I do not want to kill my feedee, nor do I want him or I to gain enough weight to become immobile or at risk in any way. As hot as the idea is to me at times, we are both too active and work in active careers for that to be a realistic possibility for us. maybe someday i’ll get a stay at home job and get really big, or maybe someday he will. only time can tell. sorry for the length, i’m high. i’ll stfu now.

- people don’t care. no stranger online owes it to you to care that you don’t like their body, or that you don’t like this or that. it doesn’t matter because that person does not know you. there’s no point in wasting time caring about your negative comment unless it’s actually useful and constructive commentary.

So anyways, i’m back in business again. gonna post some FA art soon + start uploading to my OF again. I thank any of you who read this far and again I hope you can accept me back into the community.

Thanks,

Nico

[learnastrowallura]

💚The 6th House in Astrology💚

The source if this information is The Astrology Podcast (Chris Brennan) on Youtube and from the book The Twelve Houses: Exploring the Houses of the Horoscope by Howard Sasportas and I will add a personal example as well

6th house: healthcare, medical field, service, jobs, work, employment, subordinates, staff, coworkers, superiors, skills, pets, animals, duty, order, structure, boundaries, limits, routines, plans, tasks, stability, mundane, practicality, necessity, schedules, maintenance, adjustment, health, illness, injuries, surgeries, weaknesses, visible physical issues, bad fortune, cadent, Mars

6th house ruler can show us which type of physical illness we could potentially deal with if we have a negative 6th house; particularly during transits activating 6th house placements as well as 6th house profection years (a negative Mars in 6th house could indicate accidents for example)

How we deal with matters of physical health; are we the type to be cautious or are we reckless with it, are we organized or hectic in the mental aspect (mental health matters are actually ruled by the 12th house but here I mean if we are able to plan well or not) as well as in relation to our routines, our relationship with or how we treat people who work under us/subordinates (the 6th house in ancient times used to describe slave matters as well), our demeanor when working under someone as well, coworker relations, our attitude pertaining to helping people and receiving help, our skillset, how we approach general everyday tasks such as cleaning, work tasks, whether pets are important to us or not, etc

Personal example: Aries in 6th house+ North Node in 6th house

Yeah so as with recreational activities and creative endeavors (Aries 5th house) I pretty much go with the flow every single day and do whatever I want regardless of the consequences 😅😭 I was never really able to stick to a routine or anything it seemed unnecessary and too much of hassle to be honest. And honestly this got me thinking... since I have Aries in my 6th house, would I not be more initiative in these matters? Since Mars rules my 6th house yk? But taking into account the fact that my Mars in in my 12th house, and that my South Node (comfort zone, what I need to move away from in this lifetime) is ALSO in my 12th house, it is perfectly logical; I take action in my head lmao and in the tangible material world I'm like nahh this is boring. The results are always more exciting than the work that has to be done to get there, aren't they!! Anyway lately I have been tackling this by not really having a set routine BUT having a set of daily tasks that I MUST do and that will benefit me in the long term, whether in matters related to physical health, business, spending time with family (babies <3), or even working through limiting beliefs that prevent efficiency and trusting my own capabilities

As for my skillset my initiative in the workplace or in uni (again when I really have to lol) really proves to be an asset, I am also always ready and able to ask for and receive help so there's that, checklists are my enemy I really prefer being spontaneous and compromising if I am working with someone, if I were someone's boss I'd be pretty chill imo, if I were working under someone I'd do my job swiftly; probably before they even finished telling me what to do, and yeah you get the idea

This wassss pretty fucking chaotic but I've had a long day so 😭 sorryyyy

Comment down below your 6th house sign, planets and aspects

Thank you for reading <3

Paid readings available

Masterlist

x

[monstrouslyobsessed]

life updates and then some

oh dear, i've been gone for quite a long while, huh? i'm so, so sorry and i really, REALLY do appreciate all of your concerns and sweet messages! it's heartwarming to know that my works are still being loved even in my absence. yall deserves some explanations so ima get right in it.

mild cw ahead: bizarre financial abuse (?), depression, and nongraphic medical concerns.

these past few months were pretty rough, especially with the financial aspects, personal matters, and my health, both mental and physical, had been going downspiral to the point that my writing had become complete nonexistent and that i lowkey hated every word i put down. i won't get into too much of details, but the short of it, an estranged family member (and trust when i say they are estranged for very good reasons) pulled a fast one via some kind of legal fraud (???), which hurts my financial situation and impacted my ability to pay bills. im still a huge wtaf over it, i won't lie, but it is something getting sorted out atm via official and legal means (fun times to be had!!!). im incredibly lucky to be living with a very understanding person though who also got very angry on my behalf so don't worry about my current living situation.

health wise, doctors found something wrong with one of my organs but they couldn't determine the issue. since then, life had been a struggle.

with my health was the first thing to start for me, it's nothing fatal or too life altering, fairly mild imo (so say i with stupidly high pain tolerance, apparently), but it's kind of something i need to keep aware of with my consumption. but boy tis was not fun living with discomforts with my own body for a while. rest just fell into places afterward, unfortunately, but that's how the life go--you'll always have your ups and downs, just cherish the present while you can.

anyway, i can't promise i'll be posting regularly again given my situation(s), not as on a semi-frequent schedule, which absolutely does make me sad because i really do love making monsterfucker contents, not just for myself but for you lovely readers as well. hopefully i'll be back sooner than later. that said…

i do have a super overdue commission i'm going to post very soon! just got one last scene to get through (it's currently at 8.1k words....!) and get it edited and make it pretty--and bam! it'll be done and posted. so do look forward to that, at least.

heck, i'll leave yall with this teaser line at the start of the final scene!

“Let us give them quite a show, hm?”

just gonna...get through pron writing lmao <3 yet again, thank you all so very much for caring and i really do miss you and your kind words. please take care of yourselves, lovelies!

in the meantime, i'm going to clean out my blog a bit and i'll try to reply some of your asks later too. if you have anything random, asking for advice, or anything related to my ocs or my aus, ask away. my inbox is always open for yall <3