#anyways my mom just scared of me being trans

[finnsfunworld]

i cut my hair in my bathroom last night on impluse...

[vanweezer]

very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out

"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"

thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms

[leon-on-the-froggy-chair]

my mom signed my christmas presents with year with dante/my dead name and yknow what. thats progress.

[doctorcurdlejr]

Niko!! what'd you think of I saw the tv glow. I finally saw it last night and noticed you posting about it so I wanted to know your thoughts :)

Levi!!! I was JUST wondering what you were thinking about the movie after I saw you posting about it as well... we are so media discussion pilled in this way, it's awesome. ANYWAYS I've had so many thoughts since I first saw it and I've been trying to turn them into something coherent for a little bit now.

Ummm okay I have written 1k+ words about this movie, the suburbs, and escapism via teen TV.... clearly I was dying for somebody to ask this I guess so thank you for indulging me <3

First and foremost, I absolutely loved it! I've seen it twice now and the first time I watched it I got to see Jane Schoenbrun talk about the film right after. I already really liked it from that first watch alone. I found it so deeply relatable to my experiences - both in terms of growing up gay and trans, but where I am now in my 20s trying to navigate adulthood. Hearing what Schoenbrun had to say really cemented my feelings and thoughts about the film.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a big influence on the movie (it's why Amber Benson makes a cameo as Johnny Link's mom). Even though I don't have the same emotional link to Buffy since I never watched it, I recognize it as the same type of warmth I experienced growing up with Riverdale. When Owen says he feels like his insides have been scooped out but that he's too afraid to look and have that wrongness everybody knows is there be confirmed, Maddy simply responds "Maybe you're like Isabel. Afraid of what's inside you." Tears forming but not falling, breathing shallowly, I grabbed the paper and pen the theater keeps at the seats for people to order food with and wrote that line down - the slip of paper is still somewhere in my car. Writing it now almost feels lame in its simplicity, but it felt like my insides were being flayed open.

During the director discussion, Schoenbrun talked a little bit about this idea of how truly fucking bizarre it is to grow up in the suburbs. Like, when we think about the pinnacle of normality in American culture, it's the image of middle-class cis-hetero-white suburbia. At the same time, despite this cultural dream of normality, everybody is hyper-aware that the suburbs are one of the least normal things ever. So, the ACTUAL cultural understanding of it is that it's where we go to, like, passively kill ourselves (*George Costanza voice* WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY YOU KNOW!). This idea isn't new, I mean there are so many films and shows about navigating that specific bizarre dissonance from Rebel Without a Cause to Heathers to Twin Peaks. Probably half the pre-teen to teen TV I watched obsessively growing up, stuff like Strange Days at Blake Holsey High, Making Fiends, Truth or Scare, and eventually Riverdale, were never shy about being weird and morbid and saying "yes, the suburbs are exactly as bizarre and lethal in the ways you can already feel in your bones at 13." I Saw the TV Glow does a really good job of keying not only into that mental dissonance but more specifically into how those of us who have felt so intrinsically weird and different and wrong fell back on these shows like they were capable of doing the emotional version of a rescue breath maneuver after being drowned.

In high school, if there were two things about me that any person who even vaguely knew me could list off it was that I watched Riverdale, and I was a lesbian - and I was mocked more for the Riverdale. At that age, I was, without a doubt, the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. I rarely left the house because my family lived in a development that made me want to scratch my skin off when I walked out our front door. Owen didn't leave the house for days, afraid Maddy could somehow force him out. I sobbed constantly and frequently to depressing indie rock on the floor of my closet while hoping my family would just once read the (honest to god) KEEP OUT poster plastered on my door since I didn't have a lock on it. Owen didn't leave his room for days, afraid of what Maddy recognized in him. I didn't go on dates and kept my chest binder shoved to the bottom of my bookbag while wearing dresses that could've come from a how-to-be the perfect 50s housewife manual. Owen didn't leave his bed for days, afraid of Maddy touching his neck and Isabel's dress. I also watched Riverdale with the kind of zeal you see in a Pentecostal who has found God and started speaking in tongues to let you know it. I own a button that says, "Don't Make Me Go Dark Betty On You," I cherish it in a way that is only achieved by knowing exactly how corny and trite it is and then moving straight past that because well actually, and most people wouldn't get this, she's holding back something deeply dark and wild and- and disgusting. something painful yet intrinsically her. but i get it, obviously. or maybe not obviously! hopefully not obviously, but- basically, I'm just saying I get it: the experience of reflection and recognition through the other and all that.

Whatever, the point is that this movie is one big glaring trans allegory about how it sucks dog shit to live in the suburbs, and even at our most repressed we find these little snow globes of actualization in the glow of a tv screen that isn't afraid to show you the world you see. I've seen some people say that, like, in this context accepting or coming into your transness is this monumental death of self, which I get, but I feel there lacks a nuance in that because either way Owen is dying. Unlike Maddy who buries herself alive only to come out renewed, Owen doesn't kill himself upon facing the reality that the world is constructed to keep him miserable and the only way out is to take back what it is that the world wants to keep scooped out of him. Instead he just passively lets it drag him to a much more permanent death. This lack of suicide sucks in the kind of way that forces you to sit in your car on the midnight drive home and think to yourself am I letting myself suffocate because at some point knowing the misery became less scary than admitting I've been capable of doing something about it the whole time?

Clearly, I’ve been enchanted by the film’s narrative and meta-textual language. If you're familiar with it, you can see how Schoenbrun built this movie like a long-form dream episode of a canceled teen show filmed in Vancouver. Lynchian? Yeah, sure. Riverdalesque? THIS we cannot possibly deny. Schoenbrun said they included Amber Benson as an act of healing the inner rage experienced at Tara’s death in Buffy. This is a Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa ending Riverdale with a bisexual polycule after his gay Archie play got ceased-and-desisted type move. There’s probably more I could say about the soundtrack and the visuals, but I’ve hit over 1k words on this, so I’ll leave it at I enjoyed this movie a lot. :)

Maddy is an out lesbian who left town to escape the misery and found it strapped to her ankles. She slinks out, an animal pressed against the gymnasium floor, and says "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Owen looks into the camera and narrates. He cuts himself open with a box cutter, fully acknowledges what's there, and the movie ends with his suffocating apology parade for the unremarkable inconvenience of his excruciating suffering. You can be gay and trans, you can know it and you can stop repressing it, but you're not going to stop suffocating until you can find a way to destroy the part of you that truly deeply does want to die, reaching for the comforting euthanasia of normalcy. Stop visiting the dream of the life you want and make it into your reality with the same kind of unrepentant conviction seen in some underfunded but wildly ambitious teen television series. In other words: you must try to survive the ego death of being weird. A weirdo, who doesn't fit in and doesn't want to fit in!

[hovkinnie]

mizuena/ena5 incoherent rant below bc i love them so much im losing my mind

I can't stop thinking about how much of mizuki's conflict in prsk is resolved entirely by ena's actions, not mizuki's own, and that's actually really fucking good. hear me out.

One of the driving emotions for Mizuki's conflict is obviously fear; she's afraid of being left once people know her secret, she's afraid she can only ever have shallow connections with people who wouldn't really accept her as who she is, she's afraid of losing the few friends she has and the one space where she feels like she can express herself through their shared art.

But beyond that, the other driving emotion for her is guilt. She feels guilty that she's been "deceiving" everyone else, she feels guilty that she's left Ena waiting for so long without telling her her secret, she feels guilty that everyone else seems to be moving forward and facing their fears while she seemingly can't. And when her secret is revealed, the strongest emotion she's going through isn't her fear of being left behind, it's the guilt that's been eating her away from the inside.

She tells ena that it can't be the same, that now ena won't be able to treat her the same, that she knows Ena and Kanade and Mafuyu are so kind they'll smile and tell her they're fine with it, but that they'll just be forcing themselves for the sake of kindness. That they'd rather not have to deal with everything that makes Mizuki complicated, but they would anyway because they're kind like that. That she can't bear that. She doesn't deserve that.

And all of this guilt is so real for this young trans girl to feel because it's what we're pushed towards constantly, even when we're supposedly accepted for who we are. The lie that we're deceiving others when we present as our own gender is so deeply written into our collective psyche, and even beyond that, even in "progressive" spaces, the violence we suffer is often treated as our own burden to bear, as something we have to deal with and not burden other people with.

So many basic bitch stories about trans women, with trans women protags written by cis people, have them struggle and "grow" as the story progresses, having to "face their fears", to come out to people they're scared of leaving them, to "trust their loved ones" and take that first step. I think a lot about The Missing, a game that gets a lot of the horror of being a trans girl and yet still has the protagonist, who is so terrified of how her mom would react to her coming out she tries to end her own life, learn the lesson that she should come out anyway, trust this person that's only given her reasons to fear her, because that's the only way for her to move forward.

Mizuki doesn't do that. She doesn't have to. Mizu5 is all about the horror of being outed before you're ready to come out yourself, even to someone you know would show you kindness. And it allows Mizuki to stew in her own guilt, the guilt that she never faced her fears herself, that she's burdening N25 with her suffering. But Ena5 is about Ena, so patient and unwilling to hurt Mizuki, finally being moved to action by kaito and meiko agreeing that it's up to her to be selfish and try to bring Mizuki back, to recognize that Mizuki doesn't want to be alone.

It's up to Ena to do the scary thing, for her to be open and vulnerable about her feelings. For her to go up to Mizuki, despite being ignored for so long, as someone who is so sensitive to being ignored- to being rejected- and to tell Mizuki what she needs- and deserves- to hear. That she's wanted. That Ena doesn't care if Mizuki thinks she deserves it or not, that Mizuki's guilt shouldn't factor in because Ena wants Mizuki beside her.

It's the ultimate transfem fantasy because it's the fantasy of being truly wanted, of being unconditionally loved. It's the fantasy of someone seeing you for who you are, and not just "accepting you" as if it's a favor they're doing you, but going as far as telling you that the way you've been conditioned by a lifetime of violence to feel and act to protect yourself is NOT your fault, it's NOT just your responsibility to deal with, that you deserve someone who will go through the effort of digging you out of that hole and that you're not a burden for needing that.

In a lot of subtle ways, Mizuki's story feels 1000% written by people who understand trans girls so far beyond the scope of the usual explaining-transness-to-cis-people style of narrative, even understanding ways that these narratives fuck up routinely and also understanding exactly what is needed to sneak this into a highly commercial hatsune miku gacha game. There's a lot of compromises made there for the sake of being this kind of story in this kind of game, but what we get in return is so much more meaningful as a transfem narrative than anything of similar popularity that I can think of, it fills me with so much emotion and I truly can't fathom believing it's somehow "bait" or "not real rep" unless you've never had to think about transmisogyny and how it emotionally affects you to this degree.

I'll never stop thinking about them. Congrats on the wedding mizuki and ena. someone like ena is exactly what every trans girl deserves, and never has someone proven herself more deserving of a trans girl's love than ena. i love them both so much my heart feels like it's going to explode whenever i think of them. huge thanks to everyone involved in creating their story

[alvie-pines]

this wasnt asked for but ive been thinking about werewolves.

ive been thinking about self-love.

ive been thinking about transformations into a True Self that is Hated. about how a body that fits over our souls better might be seen as an ugly monster. 

im trans, could you tell?

even when i was very very little, and imagined becoming a mermaid or growing wings, i immediately remembered how others would see me: a freak, an oddity, a concern. how are you this? why are you this? why did you change? go back to normal. it scared me and made me sick to think about it. but i always dreamed of flying anyways.

nowadays, im scared to transition. my family sees me as a girl who thinks shes a boy. theyre ok with that. im sure they wont be ok with hormones and surgery--things i've craved for years. i'll grow facial hair and i'll love it--rub and feel it, be proud of it, and shave it if i want to. just having the option feels right. a little stubble feels right. but my family will look and see their little girl growing a beard and feel disgusted. my friends will look and see me becoming an ugly "monster."

they hate my wings. they make me hate my wings.

last night i dreamed i was growing facial hair. it was patchy and weird like teenage facial hair generally is. but i liked where it was going.

today, awake, i thought about growing a beard while my mom was nearby, and i felt sick with her eyes on me.

i dont want to be trans, observed. i know how society feels about people like me.

what if the werewolf WANTS to be a wolf? what if they feel better that way? more them? more truthful? should they go back to being human to make you feel better? do you wish theyd stop being so ugly and wrong? do you wish they werent a monster?

[thatdeadaquarius]

OKAY BUT I HAVE MORE IDEA FOR BLUNT READER CUZ I LOVE THAT AU SO MUCHANDMDJFKSLDKF

So you know how french people's insult are always outta pocket (from a person who's first language is french I can tell you that no other language compares in insult -apart for African languages)

Like,, some "bad" insult here would be : bitch, fuck off, whore,..

Which we can all agree is boring...

BUT THEN IN FRENCH!!!

We be getting creative with it

Eg.

"mange tes mort" wich translates to "eat your dead (relatives)"

"vas te fair enculer" means "go get yourself pegged in the ass"

(yes, we have a specific word for being fucked in the ass 💀)

AND THOSE WOULD BE THE COMMON ONES AS WELL

English could never compare ✨

BUT ANYWAYS

how would the characters react if reader was from france/ belgium/ canada(or any other french speaking country) and started cursing people out like they eould do in their home countrie !?!?

The eay their face would drop

We would make a couple of people cry

AND GOD(us haha) FORBID A KID OVER-HEAR US AND STARTS REPEATING US

Trying to un-teach them would be hell *cries*

Your thoughts?

Love yaaaa~

ABSOLUTE TOP TIER ORAH MY BELOVED!!

Nobody has any idea how much I HATE ENGLISH both for its rules/pronounciation BS/etc. But also, most importantly, THERES LIKE NO GOOD CUSS WORDS- OR LIKE CUSS PHRASES??

I HAD TO PUT THIS GIF BC THAT WAS LITERALLY ME WHEN I HAD THE REALIZATION TO LOOK UP OTHER LANGUAGE CUSS WORDS AND I WAS JUST BLOWN AWAY BY HOW GOOD THEY WERE- HOW CREATIVE- 😫😭🥲 ENGLISH WHY R U SO SHITY IN EVERY POSSIBLE LANGUAGE SITUATION-

like idk we got "eat shit and die / fuck off / go fuck yourself" ???? Like- thats pathetic ��.

I love hearing someone just cuss smbody out their native language/non-english, it’s so badass and cool to see

Anyway u already know i love non-native english speakers from the bottom of my heart✨️

GOD I FUCKING LOVE BLUNT LANGUAGE AU ITS LIKE ONE OF TOP FAV AS U CAN PROBABLY GUESS I COULD WRITE A LITERAL FANFIC ENTIRELY OFF THIS SIMPLE PREMISE 💖💓💗💞❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

omg so i HAVE SPECIFICALLY HEARD ABT FRENCH BEING RLLY CREATIVEEE

and i researched french cusswords/phrases,,,

😭 BRO IM CRYING

“bête comme ses pieds!” IM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR-

(trans: you’re as stupid AS YOUR FEEEEEETT)

idk what’s funnier, you translating urself in real time and saying all these phrases to ppl,

OR just scaring the ever-loving shit out of every teyvat citizen within a mile radius bc oh wow- you look pissed, so yeah somebody’s about to lose all their self-esteem for the rest of their life bc ur insults are known to be extra cutting bc ur so blunt-

OH CREATOR ABOVE (…oh creator, present??)- you changed to your holy language FOR THIS???

everybody just giving the npc the most bombastic side-eye for pushing you to do this,

or even just you stubbing ur toe/ate food when it was too hot

or my favorite, getting onto ppl like Wanderer when they do smth silly lmao

STOP I HAD A FOUL THOUGHT OF GETTING ONTO Ei AND WANDERER (like ei for not keeping him/at least giving him to someone else to raise, then all the shit he did as Scaramouche lol)

AND THIS CUSSWORD COMES OUT UNDER UR BREATH OR SMTH- DOES THIS FIT BC THIS KILLS ME:

“Putain de salope…” (whore of whore, I LIED IT MEANS FUCKING BITCH LMAO😭)

JUST GETTING THE MOM AND THE SON IN ONE FULL BREATH CRYINGGGG

STOPPP wanderer using it against other ppl ever since u used it lol

oh no stop dont bring the kids into thisss 😭😭

Klee would deffo be the first one to pick up ur words and use them, omg she just uses them as catchphrases like when throwing her bombs 💀

“Mange tes mort!” JUST WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE AS SHE THROWS HER HUGE SKILL BOMB INTO A FISH POND

Venti would definitely make sure the winds “pass along phrases of the sacred All-God language!”

which just means anyone who UNDERSTANDS YOU JUST GETS GENTLY CREATIVELY CUSSED OUT BY THE WIND IM SOBBINGGG

☆

i hope u guys are having a great summer! its basically too hot to go outside where I am, not unless ur going straight into the water or smth

which hey, ill be doing that this weekend, floating down the river about an hour away from my house with friends! :]

which,,, if anyone sees this, U GOTTA HELP ME THINK OF A 1000 FOLLOWERS MILESTONE THING TO DO IDK WHAT TO DO BUT I WANNA CELEBRATE IT BC I NEVER THOUGHT THATD HAPPEN!! lmk what u think in the comments if u read this!

☆

Safe Travels 0rah,

💀♒

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi

[insipid-drivel]

Endometriosis, Fat Doctors, And Bellybuttons: What They Don't Teach You In Health Class

Woo another rambling TED talk, but I just got home from a meeting with a doctor specializing in wound care that I really feel a lot of you should hear:

Firstly, I've been having mysterious pains in my bellybutton area since... probably last Autumn? But I've had menorrhagia (extremely heavy, painful, and even dangerous periods that can cause spontaneous hemorrhaging) since I was 13 years old. Since my menorrhagia became active, I've been begging for a hysterectomy. I'm moving into my 20 year anniversary of Living With A Uterus That Hates Me As Much As I Hate It.

Being trans (agender) also really incentivizes the whole "yeet the uterus" thing, too, but that doesn't really have anything to do with why I wanna talk to y'all about endometriosis and bellybuttons.

Anyway, as of this year, I've had a lot of issues with my bellybutton region. Random infections, inflammation, pain, trips in and out of the ER; the works. My doctor has been so confused by my bizarre constellation of symptoms that he hasn't been sure of what's going on or what the best course of action is, aside from referring me for more tests and prescribing comfort measures in the meantime.

Until today. My desperate track for a diagnosis began over a week ago when my symptoms became alarmingly sepsis-like, but my test results came back with nothing but signs of an elevated white blood cell count. My doctor has been rushing me from specialist to specialist, and today was a wound care doctor that specializes in treating bariatric, hospice, and disabled patients that can't necessarily follow conventional wound-care advice meant for young, abled, and thin people.

I didn't expect much. Maybe some magnifiers, swabs, and a biopsy at worst, followed by antibiotics and whatever else, but definitely nothing that would help me solve this latest scary health mystery. While the worst of the pain I had that landed me in the ER went away on its own enough that I can get by with mobility aids, I still haven't had a diagnosis.

Until Awesome Fat Doctor.

Awesome Fat Doctor I celebrate. I live for this man. He literally gave me a reason to keep on trying and not give up. I was so scared of the appointment I'd gone nonverbal (not weird for me these days), but I got my voice back after I spent a while with him and his nurse (who was also fantastic). Even though I only met him for a few minutes and he forgot to introduce himself so I can't remember his name right now, Awesome Fat Doctor was a rock star. He was in his later middle age, scruffy, unshaven, and fat - enough that I could imagine the reason he specializes as a wound care doctor is because he may have gotten fed up of other doctors blaming his own health problems on his weight and life choices.

AFD gave no fucks. Along with being a big guy, he carried himself with the gruff no-nonsense of a man that's probably beaten up his ableist colleagues overdiagnosing fibromyalgia in the back of a Wendy's parking lot. He had been informed of my autism and my own needs for a wheelchair due to my own long-term chronic pain and other health issues, as well as my troubles speaking, and treated me like a little cousin that was having a rough go of things like he'd had.

He was compassionate and a straight-shooter with me. He was respectful of my boundaries, talked to me as casually as if I could respond like anybody else with working vocal cords (which I was eventually able to), and generally had all the bedside manner of someone that has worked with patients with special needs of all kinds. He looked at the trouble area and my records and history, told me that he was gonna do his best to get things straightened out, and then went quiet as he studied the timeline of my issues.

"Do you have endometriosis?" he asked, while studying a photo my mom had taken of a... skin infection over my lower abdomen, which had spread from my bellybutton.

I was confused.

"Not that I know of," I answered. I'd found my voice already when he and his nurse both helped put me at ease and showed me I was respected, safe, and seen. I've been tested a few times in my life for endometriosis and had my fair share of ultrasounds (the most common way to diagnose endo), and nobody had found anything unusual. But I have menorrhagia, am always in pain from my reproductive organs, and am desperate to get them removed. I'm on a 24/7 regimen of 2x normal birth control pills just to keep me from menstruating for my own safety. It sucks.

"My wife once had to get emergency surgery for what we thought was appendicitis. Do you know what it turned out she had?" he asked me, very suddenly, and like he had an idea.

"Ectopic pregnancy?" was my first guess, because women have died in the past to ectopic pregnancies that were mistaken for appendicitis.

AFD shook his head. "It was her menstrual cycle, and she had endometrial tissue bleeding into the space beside her appendix. I think you may have endometrial tissue in your bellybutton, and every time your hormones try to cycle in spite of your birth control pills, it bleeds and infects."

I was gobsmacked. Endometriosis and PCOS run in my family as reliably as eye and hair color, but I'd never really thought of how pernicious endometrial tissue could actually be. When I picture endometrial tissue, I picture overgrowths inside of reproductive tissue, or clinging to the outside; not growing randomly within the abdominal cavity or emerging out of my fucking skin like a turkey pop-up timer of doom.

AFD slowly nodded. "And the only way we'd be able to see the endometrial tissue is if you had it tested while you were menstruating and the tissue itself was inflamed and bleeding. Otherwise, it won't show up as anything different to the normal, healthy tissues surrounding it. A biopsy isn't reliable, either, because we have to know exactly where the tissue is before we test it. You have to have your hormones triggering the tissue to inflame and behave differently so it can be diagnosed if there are no big deposits of tissue to see."

After a long time of my ears ringing, I asked him, "Do you think it's possible that the ultrasounds were showing false negatives? Like, I have endometriosis and had it all along, but the tissue is too small to see or were being looked at at the wrong time?"

As it turns out, that's exactly what may be going on.

I see my doctor tomorrow, and meet with my surgeon at the beginning of next month.

Listen to your bodies, y'all. I am so thankful to that doctor, who wound up diverting into a very colorfully-worded rant about how much he hates the American medical system immediately after that. He gave me hope that I was just having new issues with old problems and was right all along about what my body really needed, and that my symptoms now are just showing what happens when doctors neglect their patients' needs.

I did wind up asking if he specialized with wound care because of how other doctors responded to his weight, and he said that it was a mix of reasons beginning with Yes: Both so he could have a safe space from fatphobia and ableism for himself and his patients, but also so his wife - who, while I hadn't seen her, he explained was about as big as he was - would have her own pain taken more seriously, being both fat and female. As he'd already explained, she hadn't been successfully diagnosed with endometriosis until she was symptomatic of full-blown appendicitis-levels of pain as an adult and her doctors were forced to stop blaming her pain on her weight.

Now, as I sit here reflecting... It's hard to believe that, thanks to this doctor's theory, I may finally be free from pain and dysphoria sooner than I imagined. It just took a doctor who could empathize with me to see me, and choose to take the scarier hill to fight on with me.

[neccturtle]

TL;DR I’m not gonna hide online.

I don’t care.

this is mostly a vent to be honest, it’s kinda long lmao

sorry

tw for vague mentions of mental health issues. I don’t go too into it tho.

I spent so much time hating myself for being trans, so much time thinking there must be something wrong with me.

with my mental health being broken because of my own insecurities and fears. (which, again, I’m not gonna go too into)

I finally came out this year and received love from my family, and a few months later my country told me “no,”

“you are a defect, you are broken, you should hate yourself. because there’s something wrong with you”

and I don’t give a damn anymore.

I will still be myself. and I hope I can at least inspire one person to feel better.

I know I’m not much, I’m not gonna start a movement or change the world.

I’m just a young trans girl who naively thought she’d live a normal life.

but although a small one, I’ll use my voice. even if it’s just to scream. I’ll start making more content then I ever have, I’ll bury myself in it. It’s the one thing I can actually change, the one thing I can control. since there’s no solution to this nightmare but waiting for me, I’ll post my art, I’ll be queer, puerto rican, and proud of it.

I will not hide anymore.

I’m tired of hiding.

I love you all. please send me asks and stuff, Interacting with people like me helps me feel less alone lmao.

and before I start spiraling again I’ll just try to stay strong. for me, for my family, for people like us, and for my dog.

I’ll try to focus on the things that make me happy, on my art, my OCs, my little youtube channel, my growing style and odd sense of fashion, music, my love of food, the most adorable floppy ears and wagging tail in the world, the best mother I could dream for, and hope that maybe someday.

things will get better. ect. ect.

I’m not giving up, probably out of spite.

but I’m still a bit lost.

very disappointed in my country (like usual) but not really surprised.

I’m scared, but I’ll do the most radical extremist thing I can…

and live.

try to anyways.

I know this is a very big tonal shift from my usual content (which, on tumblr specifically isn’t much since I’m new here), as I’m usually way more bright and bubbly,

but I can’t really be that person right now, I can’t pretend everything’s ok. or that I’m fully ok.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to think.

I don’t know what to say.

emotionally I’m a mess right now.

I’ll take some time to process all of this (and post some drafts in the meantime)

but I just wanna wish everyone good luck, and hope we can make it out of this.

I’m not strong enough for this, but I’ll keep going for all of us, and because I wanna outlive that big fascist orange.

but for now I’ll just take time to think.

and brace myself for what comes next.

and probably start learning a new language.

love y’all, see y’all later, good night,

and good luck to us all 🩵🩵

P.S. my Mom made me go back and capitalize all the “i”s lmao

[symphonic-scream]

Okay.

New Arcana Swap

(tag for now is Transboy Haru I need a new name for this I know)

Anyways. It's been like 2 hours here's everything I have so far

So it's a Fool Haru au, but as a trans guy. He's been transitioning since the year before he started high school, and he's had top surgery. Now he's in his final year, and he's being shipped out to Tokyo after a summer in Juvi, all for something he didn't do

Toranosuke Yoshida as the Hierophant with Goro as the Hermit too it's. This ex politician who has been adopting these kids who's rich and important parents abandon them

Emperor Makoto. And then with Makoto, she's been "staying" with Kobayakawa as a pupil and StuCo Prez, and once he's confessed, she reaches out to her sister and returns home to live with Hanged Man Sae. She's sorta non-binary genderfluid? She doesn't have a term coined yet. But pronouns vary each day

Makoto: thanks, so much. For saving me, for helping me find my sister again, for accepting who I am, and- and for loving me,

Haru: oh, Mako dearest,

Makoto, crying: d-dont look at me like that, Loverboy. Just- let's hurry, the others are waiting

(in case you couldn't tell yet, this is Okujima)

Haru: hey why are you so close with that pharmacist?

Yoshida: oh, cause. I take pills?

It's cause Goro's on anti-psychotics lmao

It's how he so easily got Haru in with the counsellor Death Maruki

Maruki: yep, I see your files are completely true. So, I'll get you set up with your old regime of hormones

Haru: just like that?

Maruki: yep, but I also have to give you anger management sessions. Your parole demands it

Haru: ...I understand. Just, thank you. For understanding who I am

Chariot Shiho and Lovers Futaba, and the Temperance is Kanji-

Cause his husband is the Judgement and their wife is Fortune-

Moon Joker, Magician Ryuji (he's a lil lizard), Star Ann, Empress, uh, Yusuke?

Shiho a recovering amputee. She got in an accident that ended her volleyball career, but she's trying to not get too depressed about it

She cost them the national title. She ends up starting her training again to aim for the Paralympics, and manages the school team

Shiho: hey, why was Shit Head calling you a girl?

Haru: I, I'm trans,

Shiho: THAT BASTARD! Urgh, I'm so sorry, I know a teacher who'll help report that bullshit. I'm Shiho Suzui, school cripple. Nice to meet you, transfer boy

Haru: thanks, I'm Haru Yoshida. Thanks for not, freaking out on ke

Ryuji's a little bearded dragon in the real world

And MORGANA! He's like, Shinya's age? Human

He's playing the hero, trying to take down the Yakuza that ruined his family and left him alone, but he's young and scared, and the group saves him and he moves in with Yoshida too and he's like Haru's little brother

Goro: you're getting soft, old man.

Yoshida: maybe I am. Or maybe, I'm finally doing what I was meant to all along

He runs a homey beef bowl shop and Haru helps out, and Morgana sits at the counter slurping his noodles and Goro studies away in the back booth. Little family of three brothers

Goro: thanks for changing my heart, I guess

Futaba: no problem, man

Goro: ...I, feel like I need to tell you all. My mom was schizophrenic, and I've been being treated for it since Yoshida took me in. I, I'm gonna get myeds adjusted too. So I can be reliable for you all as navigator

Shiho: whatever you need to be yourself, and to be healthy

Haru: and if you end up like that again, we'll race back in and save you

It's shown in how his palace would change every other day. Like if you wait too long the infiltration route changes

Once he's doing better again, he gets back into school, and ends up in the other third year class with Makoto

Goro: your partner is a pain in my ass. They're making it hard to get that #1 spot

Haru: isn't my love so smart?

Goro: fucking gross. Bleh. I'm going to go watch a documentary on serial killers.

Toranosuke and his three sons, such a proud dad

Haru doesn't leave Tokyo at the end of the year. He gets formally adopted, and moves from the attic to the proper Yoshida house

Naoto: so. You're the leader of the Phantom Thieves?

Haru: ...what's it matter how I answer? They got their signed confession.

Naoto: I knew it, there was no way they'd have gotten a genuine one so quickly... Those bastards... Well, hopefully our chat can clear things up. Tell me, why'd you do it? How? The more I know, the better I can help you out

Naoto recognizes the boy from his husband's class roster, from his chats about the transfer boy that seemed to affect everyone around him

Naoto: so. Your dad kicked you out?

Haru: yes. Not for being a boy, he accepted that part of me. No, I caught on about some of his shadier business deals. So, he framed me for assault, disowned me. I got lucky, that Mr Yoshida agreed to house me, otherwise I would have probably ended up back in Juvi,

Okay this is getting too long so MORE UNDER THE CUT BUT WHAT DO YALL THINK LEMME KNOW

Okay. More

Shiho with her slight hobble cause of her prosthetic, and when she just *can't* wear it, she's on crutches, Like at the beach

She wears her leg to the beach, but takes it off when Makoto and Morgana egg her into running out to the water with them. Makoto loads her onto their back until they reach the water and then it's just. Splashing and fun

Goro's reading a book while Ryuji lies on a towel in the sun, soaking in the heat. Haru and Futaba are munching on popsicles and watching the others

Two Jokers

Moon is Akira, and Ren was in Shiho's role

They're Futaba's foster brothers. So that's why Futaba really wants to join up. To avenge Ren. And it's why Akira helps out

Futaba: hey, so Ren's awake. He's going to need physical therapy, but he's keeping all his parts. He's, also going to testify. He won't be returning to Shujin,

Akira: he's going to finish at Kosei. It'll be a better fit for him

Makoto, fluid, having more they or he days but still having she days. Masc she days, but still

Coloured bandanas around their upper arm for their different days. Now embracing their baby punk side

And smiling so much more, back home with their sister and able to be themselves with support, and having friends and a sweet boyfriend

Hifumi for the Faith and. Justice Kasumi and Sumire TRSUT ME

Haru: hey!

Makoto, wearing a dark red bandana: hey Loverboy, can I get a kiss?

Haru: course, love. How's my girl today?

Makoto: feeling great, Sis and I are going out tonight. She said you're welcome to join if you want? And then maybe come over after later to "study"?

Haru: how can I say no to you?

[funkyfreshman]

FIRST OF ALLL i am so sorry for ur chem midterm ik its hard but u can do it

second of all- whats ur favorite Snotlout hc?? Or if u have any aus (alternate universe connoisseur here)

One of my cute hcs might be that he sleeps with a plushie (which was shown in one rtte episode where the twins use a horn and wake up everyone)

or that he likes to cook and bake but will never admit it’s his hobby since its too feminine for men.

and one of my ship hcs is that he and Eret will have a baby girl named Kari (Idk how they had her but lets just say she’s a gift from thor for striking Snotlout down so many times😢)

anyways *Scurries out*

YIOEE YIPOEE HI

And Ty I hate chemistry so much but unfortunately my major requires it (cries in marine bio marjor) but hey in a year and a half I am gonna be studying but the ocean and actually doing hands on stuff so yippee

But back to snotlout

Ok so my personal favorite Snotlout hc both from others and myself, is that he’s a mamas boy, he adores his mom he may look like his dad if you glance at him but if you put him right by his mom he’s her mini me. He has her face.

I also enjoy a lot of my scar hcs I’m actually planning on rewatching again and just listing where he definitely and should have gotten injured and possibly scared. (There also many times I remeber that like bro…you should have died there HIW ARE YOU ALIVE) Also he should have lightning scars bro got struck like a what 5 times, GIVE HIM LIGHTNING SCARS.

Erm I really enjoy trans snotlout in all directions it could genuinely fit really well. But thats because I’m trans and I push all my problems onto him

And Aus I have… I’ve got a couple in the works

This one is so self indulgent but whatever, I started working on it but it’s of my madam Oglethorpe art and I was like “what if there plan was successful” and I don’t know that dived into what if Snotlout continued to go undercover, slowly got better at it, and made a name for Madam Oglethorpe, I don’t know it’s still a skeleton of a Au but I find it silly as hell there is two ways I want it to go and I might just end up writing both.

Another one being my archurylout au, it’s just Snotlout but he decides he’s gonna specialize in Archery as I think a bow would compliment him really well, also I’ve read a few fic about it.

Oh and I think you his counts as an au, but my rewrite of httyd with my oc Arne that I ship with Snotlout. Started as I wanted to give Snotlout a boyfriend, and he was just a guy originally then he got attacked by the narrative, this one I actually have the skeleton up until httyd 2 worked out on what I want to happen. And I have like the ribs of httyd 3 cause I know how I want it to end, but I want to change some things in httyd 3 cause it’s pisses me off how they did it. But genuinely this au is just me giving Snotlout the slowest gay slow burn to ever burn that he deserves.

I would put throw in hc area but it also could be an au, but I was think of a different love triangle in httyd 2 where fishlegs and heather get to be in love cause I love them together. But it could go two ways Snotlout and Ruffnut either are/get together and they both are obsessed with eret POLY 🎉🎉 orrrrr Snotlout and Ruffnut are BESTIES and if EITHER OF THEM get this hunk of a man it’s a win. And the whole movie is just them needing this man.

And oh my god your so right his MOM MADE HIM THAT PLUSHIE I fucking know she made I feel it in my soul

And YEUP he’s a baker and a cooker again I like to think he learned from his mama.

And UAGWHHEHDHSH that’s so cute what, maybe they adopt her from a shit situation, and they both are like we need to be the best dads ever cause they both have been in shit situations and they want to give this little girl the best damn childhood in the world cause they had shit ones.

[frozenjokes]

i continued being unable to sleep so i continued shoving as much of your writing into my brain as possible, by which i mean i just read alllll of the mumbomaid au pretty much at once and am being Normal about it

i love them all, i love all of them so much, i'm very invested in their shenanigans, i love how almost nobody understands gender and they all misunderstand it differently

i am ALSO aro in the "no i don't have feelings for anybody, yes i would date basically any of my friends" way and everything surrounding scar's aromanticism is so well done, i kept being soo exasperated with grian and the like. the incredibly allo misunderstanding of aromanticism, and not listening when scar and cleo try to tell him he doesn't get it, i have friends i've had almost those exact conversations with (but slightly less messy because of varyious factors including but not limited to Not Being Desert Duo, Thank Fuck) just ajfhdjdhjshdjfsk

also also i love textbook monsterfucker scar and i'm convinced bdubs thinks etho grew up in a cult or some shit (i'm throwing words at this ask box like spaghetti)

anyway uh. i'm probably gonna keep wanting to say words about your fics as i keep reading them and the ao3 comment section scares me so. i will probably be back, feel free to tell me to buzz off if this is not a preferred communication method

-guy that said mapleshade=p!scar (maplescar? scarpleshade? there's gotta be something here, did i mention the sleep deprivation sorry if this is all insane rambling lmao)

maplescar is a really cool tortie kitty name I like that a lot. maplescar would go crazy. ALSO PLEASE KEEP SAYING WORDS!!!!! say words FORWVER!!!! spam my ao3 comments and I will respond to them 9/10 ten times!!!!!!! I love talking I love when people talk to me THANK YOU!!!!!! you could send me an ask every single time you finish a chapter and I would kiss you on the lips each time but my followers might be killing you with hammers so. Pick your poison.

yeah my favorite part of mumbomaid is that no one knows what a gender is and they misunderstand in all different ways you put it 100% perfectly. I also find Grian to be frustrating but he’s also a vessel to explore More Feelings and in his defense a little outside of complicated aro/allo interactions scar is a bit of an asshole. They are both assholes. Two guys they Will have their cake and they Will eat it too and they are exploding because of it. I too thank god every day I am not desert duo I! hate them. Generally though I do not feel bitter about allo misunderstandings of aromanticism because I spent 21 years of my life also not understanding. Which. Is the fault of a normative society. However. It is deeply difficult to understand the internal experience of someone who functions differently than you on a chemical level. This is a bit of a tangent but my mom and I’s ability to communicate has been drastically improved by the acceptance that I am autistic. She sees me and we reflect on my life together and it makes Sense that the way I experience the world is Different so whenever we talk about something my mom doesn’t understand in relation to me her mind is so open because she knows my perception of the world is not the same as hers. neurodivergence isn’t entirely related to queerness but it has genuinely opened up so many doors for our communication. she goes aromantic? oh yeah that makes sense. I think she catalogs it with the autism which is correct because to me autism and Every Other Way I Experience The World is related. This is say I have a very amusing experience with one of my trans friends where he was like: …so you’ve never questioned your gender,,, like…. Ever..? and I said nope. and he like couldn’t believe me. He did obviously but it’s the idea that our experiences are so integral to the people we are that it’s extremely difficult to imagine it any other way. can you tell I’m a psych major yet. what was I talking about.

I haven’t thought of exactly what bdubs thinks about etho’s past but it’s probably something like that. Deep down, it doesn’t really matter. Bdubs just wants to protect him. He’s so worried, but he just wants etho to feel safe.

lightly suggestive under the cut bc I talk about the monster fucking a little bit and I don’t know your age/if my elaboration is unwarranted I’m just talking. I’m here for a silly time not a sexy one.

monsterfucker scar is dear to me. extremely important. Grian will never be able to do to him the, frankly, deranged things he fantasizes about. they can try but the mood is going to be ruined when scar is like :( your tentacle dick isn’t real. and Grian is going to sigh with his dumbfuck strap and the blue curtains and lights they hung up to make it look like they were underwater. Their entire experience in the bedroom is going to be a series of extremely comedic extremely unfortunate events to make up for the fact that scar is never getting any fish pussy 😔 scar will be put off the mood because Grian just isn’t Convicning enough like COME ON if I don’t believe I’m going to die THEN what’s THE POINT??????? their home life is just increasingly deranged. grian has accepted that he will never be able to compete with the horrors of the ocean and you may think that’s a ‘but he’s still a little jealous though..’ but he’s not. He’s accepted it. Full acceptance. The kind of worn down you get from fishing for a mending book for weeks on end but without the agony and more just. Amused. goodtimeswithscar is going to die young and by drowning but you’d better believe he’ll do it in ecstasy.

[unbornwhiskeyy]

i was supposed to spend christmas with my mom and stepdad in new orleans, but i last-minute bailed, like literally got through security at the airport and turned right back around, because 1) my mom got covid (mild case, she's fine) 2) i was still exhausted from my thanksgiving trip, and from going to japan in october, just a lot of family time this year, needed the time to myself, needed some personal space or i was just going to have another stressful experience 3) also i was going through another round of trans girl pms which made me cry soooo much that i felt like i was not made of solid matter at all, my emotions were stable as marshland. so i spent my first christmas in new york since 2020. yesterday i finished essay no. 3 of a mysterious five-essay project and it turned out better than i even imagined. (should i just say what it is? it's a zine, ostensibly a year-end list consisting of my five favorite discoveries of the year in film/music/lit, but it's actually about my transition and my life on the internet and my trauma and being a woman and falling in love and being really scared of it and, like, doing it anyway, letting it transform me. i'm like halfway through writing it and it is already one of the best things i've ever done.) this morning i woke up and opened erin's present which was the i saw the tv glow soundtrack, which i immediately put on and i just sat there listening and noticing the morning light shift around and petting my cats and thinking my life is so good that i almost want to give it away to someone else, like this can't just be for me. i am really grateful. i don't intend to take it for granted. new york is unreally still and empty and my friends and i walked around looking at christmas lights in the pristine winter air and then we went back to their apartment to play mario party. best christmas in recent memory. i have to do this for myself more often.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Slightly boring question, I know, but what LGBTQ+ headcanons do you have for the mercs (if any) , and for any of those, how do you think they realized?

LGBTQ+ Headcanons For The TF2 Mercs

————————————————————

oh no anon this isn't boring at all, I love talking about queer shit, and TF2 so this is super fun for me!

————————————————————

Uhhhh, light homophobia and transphobia??? I tried not to add any but a little bit of it!

————————————————————

Demo is trans and gay. He was like twenty when he realized he was trans, like this dude was sitting in his home, and it just randomly clicked? Immediately thinks,

"Oh, that explains a lot." He had absolutely no clue what to do with that information, but he eventually figured out how to be comfortable in his own skin. As for him being gay, it was probably just the natural progression of things. He liked men before, and he liked men after. This man was so scared to tell his mom that she literally didn't care, she loves her son.

————————————————————

Engie is pan and trans. Engie just always knew, like felt it in his bones knew. One of those kids who the moment they could talk just goes, "Oh yeah, I'm a boy now." His parents would just tell him he was a tomboy and that he'd grow out of it. Wrong! He only became comfortable with his identity when he was fifteen, only after years of internalized guilt and transphobia though. Uh, he definitely had to keep it a secret for a lot longer than that. He also just always knew he was pan. He always liked women and men, and he realized he didn't even care if the person he liked was both or neither. He just likes people!

————————————————————

I think Heavy is bisexual,and like, he didn't even realize it until he met the other mercs. He just ignored the fact that he liked men. After all, every man around him seemed to only like women, so he just focused on women. (Well, not really, lmao) anyway! One night, all the mercs were talking about their escapades, and then some mercs brought up their experiences with men, and he just stared at them and was like,

"You, you can do that?" The team is just like,

"Yeah???"

"Oh."

(I've seen other people headcanon this and I love it and agree so much.)

————————————————————

Medic is intersex and it just went unnoticed? Lack of proper medical care and a neglectful mother will do that to you. He's glad, though. Growing up, it was confusing for him, especially when he realized that his body was different, but he learned to love himself. He actually learned that he was intersex indirectly. He read some books on anatomy and realized he didn't look like the people in the book and that his body couldn't quite be defined as male or female. Would only be able to put a name to it years later. (I think he'd have Klinefelter syndrome) He's also gay! I think he just always knew, he just never had interest in women, but always chalked it up to being to busy with his work and studies to have time for dating, then he kissed a guy, and oh boy it clicked then. Once, he didn't have to worry as much about being harmed for his identity he became the silly guy you see now.

(His ass does not have a wife! He would call his husband his wife.)

————————————————————

I want to trans Scout's gender so bad, but alas, it's funnier if he's cis with T-boy swag. BUT, this man is a queer. Bi disaster. He had a stroke when he first joined the other mercs. This man had to work through a lot of shit, all while pretending he isn't working with men who make him question his sexuality on a daily basis. I think at first he tries to convince himself that it's nothing or battles with extreme internalized homophobia and self hatred, and it takes him forever to accept the fact that it isn't weird or wrong to like both men and women. He's still just scared that even though he likes both, he's not good enough for either. (Oops, got angsty my bad.)

————————————————————

Sniper is queer but just doesn't care too much about exploring his sexuality. He knows he has a preference for men but also has never considered being attracted to other genders, but also doesn't think he'd mind, and over all he just, doesn't know, and it's easier for him to just call himself queer and not have to figure it out. I don't think there was a defining moment, I think one day he just realized he wasn't attracted to just women anymore.

————————————————————

"You can't just headcanon every shapeshifter as genderfluid!" Uh, yes, I can. So Spy is genderfluid. Spy dress might not be canon, but it's canon in my heart. He has no problem with being masculine one day and feminine the next. I think he realized on a mission one time (not with the other mercs) where he had to present fem for some reason, and he really liked it. He's also bi with a preference for women. He dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia like Scout did (like father like son and all that), but eventually came to terms with it when Scout came out actually. He realized that it probably wasn't that weird, especially when the other mercs chimed in with their sexualities.

————————————————————

Soldier is pan, but he is also another case of "I want to trans his gender so bad, but it's funnier if he's cis." The comedic value of him not understanding being trans so he's supportive in the weirdest ways. Um, as for him being pan, he just doesn't care. He likes anyone who's a similar personality type to him, gender doesn't matter. It's all the same to him. I feel like it's another case that he always knew, dealt with internalized homophobia, and then the other mercs helped him work through it. (The team is very helpful when it comes to being queer, nothing else, though, lmao)

————————————————————

Pyro is well, a whole bunch of identities, but I personally rock with, mtf trans agender, pan, and ace. So the mtf and agender part might seem kinda complicated, but I'll do my best to explain! I feel like Pyro was born male, but just always hated they're body and always wanted to have a female body, but then they realized that they wanted to have a feminine body, but no gender, so they did just that. Another case of them liking everyone, they just have a lot of love to give. Being ace, for Pyro, is no sexual attraction at all, just wanting to love a person, wanting romance, not anything more. They realized everything separately, being trans when they were around their teens, basically going through puberty and realizing how awful it felt for them to present as male, being agender years later when someone referred to them neutrally and they really liked it, and being pan when they forst started viewing people romantically, and ace when they got into a relationship.

————————————————————

Not that it was asked but Miss Pauling is a lesbain btw

————————————————————

Ah, these queers. UH Medic did everyone's surgeries, in case you we're wondering. He has so many uteruses lying around.

Some short and sweet hcs, uhhh, i have no idea what order im writing anything rn to be completely honest, I'm hoping I'll get through my flufftober asks, then some angst and some other asks but we'll see if I switch this up.

I had such a hard time writing this, I kept getting embarrassed at my writing style and thinking it was the worst thing ever written 😭

[my-castles-crumbling]

how yo date a girl when I deeply hate her parents?

Iam actually kinda scared she’ll see this bc ik she follows you too and I don’t want her to know 😬😬

anyways

we are kinda neighbors really close

Our parents also got beef but they are also homophobic and transphobic they keep referring to a trans guy friend “X & Y’s daughter who decided she’s a boy now” making me wanna punch them and dirt talking a shared neighbor for being a lesbian and the neighbor is also a friend of my mom’s.

also they got a little Shit of a dog they let loose whenever

he’s a small poodle thing and still scares my german shepherd- golden retriever mix who is 3 times his size

her parents keep just letting him loose and he chase us down the stairs and shit and they just go home and don’t really care

this shit is so unaducated he even bite THEM

they say if my dog bite theirs maybe he’ll stop and not really care and after the last time he pretty much attacked mine when my little sister was walking him alone and scared the shite out of her my parents also quite don’t like them

she is against the letting loose thing and told her parants to stop but they obviously don’t care

She is queer i know that but how do i deal with her shit parants and stuff?

I'm sorry her parents suck so much </3

I think this takes some communication between you and your girlfriend to discuss what you need from her and what she's about to give. You can't change her parents, but you can set expectations in your relationship. Do you need your girlfriend to say something when her parents are being bigoted? Is it safe for her to do so? If your needs and her abilities don't align, then this might not be the relationship for you, and that's not a failure on either of your parts. Remember though, you're dating HER, not her family. Focus on communicating your feelings in a nice way and seeing if you can come up with something you both can do that will make you feel better.

Sending love! Naming you deep anon!

[beanghostprincess]

YOOOO saw t4t sanami, do you have any specific thoughts on trans! nami?

OMG YESYESYES!!!!!! First of all, I adore t4t Sanami. It's the best type of Sanami. And I have so many thoughts about trans!Nami... My beloved.

She realizes she's a girl pretty soon in her life since her mom is her role model and she admires Nojiko a lot. But it's more of a gender envy thing most of the time, she just doesn't understand the concept yet-- The thing is, neither girls nor boys understood her passion for maps, and she barely had any friends apart from her sister, so it's a bit hard for her to actually understand what she wants. But she's sure she's a girl. That's something she has clear.

When she comes out to both Bellemere and Nojiko, they're obviously extremely supportive of her. Nojiko is thrilled to have a sister and Bellemere couldn't be happier that her girl trusts her enough to tell her this (you know, they're still young and Bellemere feels a bit insecure sometimes and wonders if they actually see her as their mom). In general, the village is very supportive. They love these kids, c'mon. Maybe there are some comments here and there from people who are more close-minded than others, but Nojiko always goes full protective sister mode.

They don't have money for new clothes, but Bellemere does her best to style Nojiko's old outfits for Nami!! She asks Nami if she wants to grow her hair, and Nami says it'd be a bit uncomfortable but she'll probably give it a try, if it bothers her then she'll probably cut it (she ends up doing it because it gets, indeed, uncomfortable).

Transitioning socially, even if most of the village is supportive, is a bit hard. Nami doesn't like being scared. Or feeling weak. But her mom always tells her to be herself no matter what other people say, because she's the only one who should choose how to live her life. She is a girl, and she has all the right to fight the ones who say otherwise. Nami wonders if fighting will make her look less feminine, but Bellemere says "Well, I fight, don't I? And you see me as a girl. Girls can and should fight. Even better than most men, honestly". And Nami is no longer scared of being more independent and strong.

I just know Genzo is the sweetest, most protective, and most supportive man ever. He even buys her some new clothes and kind of lets her get away sometimes if she gets into fights because he knows she was doing it to defend herself. He has a new picture of the girls on his desk and he's always keeping an eye on her because he knows she's gonna end up being gorgeous and he can't have guys flirting with her.

It's easy for Nami to look more feminine because of her complexion but she's still insecure over a bunch of stuff while she grows up. Everything is worse when she joins Arlong... Okay, so the Arlong Pirates aren't transphobic but Arlong is this type of "passive-aggressive" ally who won't stop asking Nami to thank him for letting her be herself. He's always highlighting the pronouns and sometimes he even buys her stuff that, okay, she likes it. But she doesn't want those clothes from him. It's a living nightmare. He also gives her the chance to medically transition which-- She wishes she could say no, really, but dysphoria is eating her inside most days and she doubts she'll ever have the money to do this on her own. Nojiko is the one who tells her to go for it even though the help doesn't come from the right people.

Anyway- She grows up. The story continues as it is. And when she meets the Strawhats and they defeat Arlong, it's extremely freeing and liberating for her. She finally feels like she can be herself with people who actually care about her. I think the only ones who know she's trans are Zoro (transmasc/transfem communication), Luffy, and Usopp, because she told them at some point. It's not like she hides it from Sanji but... But, you know... She doesn't know how Sanji will react.

It's not that surprising to find out Sanji is a girl too. What is surprising is the fact that she takes it so well. In terms of concept and support. I mean- She knows what being trans is, and accepts it. Apparently, it's just hard to accept it when it comes to herself. She confesses it one day while she's drunk, saying being a girl would be great because they're just... Amazing and perfect. She describes all the things she likes about them and most of it sounds like gender envy and dysphoria to Nami. Something that Sanji confuses a lot with liking them sexually (also true and something Nami understands because she's a lesbian and it's always hard to tell the difference between attraction and gender envy). But Nami just says "You can just... Be a girl, you know? If you wanted to" and it kind of changes Sanji's world forever.

(Quick mention of Alabasta and how Nami falls for Vivi right away, something that she wasn't expecting because being in love is dangerous for her. But they have chemistry and they deeply care for each other. So before they leave, they have this intimate night together in which Nami is extremely scared. She doesn't want to lose Vivi for something like this. She isn't even sure how Alabasta's culture works and if Vivi will be as accepting as she looks. So Nami, still scared and shaking and almost crying for the first time in a long while, comes out to Vivi. The princess is... So accepting and loving it's overwhelming. I know we talk a lot about how Nami probably flirts with every girl she meets and has more experience than Vivi, but I'd like to see this as Nami's first time. Or at least, Nami's first time feeling so loved while having sex. Also, please assume Namivivi is a thing in this post too. Sanamivivi <3).

Nami starts seeing Sanji in a different light, by the way. Not instantly romantic, but she understands now why she acts like that around women. Sort of. She sees her being uncomfortable in her own skin. Sees her twitching whenever somebody highlights the fact that she's ""a man"". Nami even calls her "pretty" once, instead of the usual adjectives, and Sanji tries to act like she doesn't like it but she does, so much it's obvious it hurts her to realize. The egg is cracking and it's not slow, nor subtle, but Nami can't see it because they get separated in Sabaody.

To summarize, Nami gets an amazing boob job there. That's my wonderful explanation for the enormous change in her body after two years. The doctors up there are really good, okay? She lets her hair grow the way her mom mentioned once, and now that she knows how to fight, she can handle it a lot better! Meanwhile, Sanji is having a whole gender crisis back in Momoiro Island but she ends up figuring out that she's a girl and Ivankov is always our salvation for these things.

They find each other again, and Nami couldn't be more proud of Sanji. I mean- All of them are proud of her. They love her. They love her even more now that she has accepted herself. But for Nami, having somebody in the crew who went through the same things as her and who now feels comfortable with her body makes her incredibly happy. So long story short, Sanji moves to the Girls' quarters. Also, they find out Robin is also trans, something she hadn't mentioned because obviously there's no need to do it, but the girl is a fucking mystery and she hadn't mentioned it until NOW??? And Nami is about to start crying because she finally doesn't feel so alone.

You know, things go by smoothly. Nami likes wearing tops and bikinis to show off her body because she's really proud of it and Sanji keeps wearing her suits but sometimes they also share clothes. Although Sanji has a liking for Robin's outfits better. They grow closer and share experiences and even though Nami opens up about her past, Sanji doesn't. And it's not like she has to do it... But Nami wishes she trusted her more. Anyway- Showering Nami with love wasn't something Sanji only did before, she still does it. And Nami is starting to fall a little bit for her? She hates to admit it, but Sanji is gorgeous. Gorgeous and really, really sweet and not that annoying anymore, now that she has found herself. Nami thinks it could be just sexual, but she knows it isn't only that-- She's scared of falling in love because falling for somebody means being able to lose them. And she would hate it. But she lets herself do it for once.

And then Whole Cake Island happens, and Nami kind of wants to die. It's when she realizes she's in love with Sanji (yay! Losing more people she loves!) and she's extremely angry at her for doing what she's doing. Pushing them away. But Nami can't really be that furious, right? She did the same thing to them, after all... It's so, so painful to see Sanji act like somebody she isn't. Her family made her cut her hair. Wear a binder and everything. Nami isn't sure whether she's crying for the fight or Sanji right now. When Sanji comes back to them, Nami wants to hug her and never let her go,, They start dating pretty much right after WCI, so Wano is painful because they aren't together and Nami realizes, right after the big fight, that Sanji is going through something she doesn't want to talk about. Not that she has to do it, because Nami will be there no matter what.

Little transfem!Nami / T4T Sanami quick headcanons:

As I said, they share clothes but Sanji prefers wearing Robin's style. However, Nami does steal Sanji's shirts all. The. Time. Not that the cook cares, though, she looks gorgeous.

Sanji is a bit self-conscious because Nami has bigger boobs. Not that it matters at all and Nami finds it incredibly stupid, but anyway- Nami is always worshipping Sanji's body when it's needed. Sometimes she thinks Sanji just says it to fish compliments from her.

Nami loves Sanji's short hair and is constantly reminding her that she looks beautiful this way, even if she prefers it long.

Nami actually is pretty insecure about her hands. They don't look as feminine and she would like them too. And she knows it's stupid but,, It still bothers her. Sanji is always kissing them and painting her nails, though!

I like Nami being extremely deranged sometimes and maybe a guy tells her that's not very lady-like and Nami always thinking about Bellemere and how she'd kick ass anyway.