#anyways it’s midnight i’m going to sleep
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the message of the end of season 3: defeat (in their case literally) the image of the life your abusive parent created for you
the message of season 4, apparently: go to a different timeline in which your parent didn’t abuse you (a reality that will never happen in our real world because, unfortunately, timeline hopping does not exist), receive validation by “proving” to them that you were never worthy of abuse (you should never have to prove to anybody you are not worthy of abuse, you are inherent deserving to not be abused), and then subsequently await the incoming death you “deserve” by simply existing (you do not, in fact, deserve death for having been created despite what your abusive parents may have convinced both themselves and you)
#this came to me in a sleep deprived induced dream#i bolted up at 5 in the morning to write this after i binged the season until midnight#so if this doesn’t make any sense i’m so sorry#i am deeply afraid this will receive the ‘pissing on the poor’ treatment#but i am going to trust this makes sense#anyways i’ve decided i’m upset by this season actually#the umbrella academy season 4#the umbrella academy#tua season 4#tua s4 spoilers#tua s4#tua#yapping
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the reason why bejeweled feels very calvin to me still is how it parallels high infidelity. in general, the 3am tracks seem to explore a darker, more explicit side of a storyline that’s already present, if only in the form of subtext (like we don’t have a direct parallel for wcs, but we do have two songs exploring formative past relationships vaguely sexually, and wcs is the darker example), on the main album, and bejeweled/high infidelity is perhaps the best example of this. its similarities to tolerate it, which is about something she felt ‘at one point in her life,’ back this up. HOWEVER, I do think it’s exploring a potential outcome of the then-current state of her relationship with joe. like, this is how things could go - I have forgotten that I have a man in the past, and I can do it again.
#it is not fully joe and anyone who comes to me with bUt ToLeRaTe It Is ClEaRlY a JoE sOnG#no it’s not#it’s literally just not#I don’t see that dynamic at all#‘you’re so much older and wiser’#they weren’t having the greatest time in fall 2020 but it’s not bc she was watching him sleep#are there shades of how she felt yeah okay maybe but I honestly don’t even think she saw it that way at the time#the parts about putting someone on a pedestal and using your best colors to paint their portrait was always interesting though#but I digress#bejeweled#tolerate it#high infidelity#midnights#ttpd#I actually had an argument about tolerate it in a tiktok comment section once (not my wisest moment) and this person was like ‘oh but I wasn#talking about specific people in her personal life!!!! just her music’ the deflection#like if you want to draw parallels between her songs go right ahead#but#own up to it#have a backbone#sorry I’m sleepy#anyway my beloved muricans are asleep and my dash is quiet now
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I’d like to go on record as saying I have never believed in the JJ dying rumours.
BUT.
If I am wrong and the worst does happen, that’s a wrap on my time in the fandom. Sorry if it sounds like I’m being dramatic, but I’ll be out of here pretty darn quickly (not without saying goodbye of course) And thinking about that possibility makes me very sad, but JJ dying would kill any joy I have left for this show. Full stop.
That being said I’m still optimistic we’re going to get some amazing JJ content in part 2 and I am incredibly excited to see Rudy flex his phenomenal acting skills. The spotlight is entirely on him right now and I couldn’t be happier for him. I fully expect some great Jiara moments as well.
No matter how it ends part 2 is going to be epic and I truly hope (🤞🏻) I’ll have a reason to stick around and discuss it all with you while we wait for season 5.
Good night, and good luck!
#sorry to be a mood killer but I thought I should be clear about where I’m at#I really pray this won’t be the last time I see JJ Maybank on my screen 🙏#I’m going to try and nap for awhile then binge watch it all when it drops at midnight#who needs sleep anyway?#obx 4#jj maybank#jiara#rudy pankow#laura says things
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Should I sneak into the kitchen to get a cookie at midnight yes or no
#midnight snack#poll#pjo#kotlc#sorry that was just for people to see the poll#I love going to sleep late but that means I’ll get hungry and I won’t be able to eat#and since I go to the kitchen my fatass dog will run to follow me in hopes I give her a treat#i’m thirsty#like right now#but I physically cant drink water without ice in the summer and that would wake up the entire household (my mom and my dad)#there’s this bitchass cricket that won’t let me sleep#omg I hear something outside of my window#I hope that’s a rat and not a human being#you know what I’m offended about#my dog doesn’t want to sleep with me ever. she always comes to give me a goodbye lick to my face before strutting off to my parents king bed#and I think that’s unfair considering the fact that I named her and begged for her for years#anyways#Ty for coming to my midnight rant#rant#I love that tag bc it sounds like a weird remix of rat that reminds me of a rat more than a rat does#percy jackson and the olympians
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taylor’s worst sin MUSICALLY is putting the best songs on the deluxe edition because from the bottom of my heart what the FUCK was that???????
#taylor swift#the tortured poets department#jack antonoff when i catch you jack antonoff#get AWAY from her#they’re not doing anything interesting together anymore#like i was listening to the regular version and it was like this is goddamn elevator music#like god this might be worse than midnights even#the only songs that stuck out to me were loml and the smallest man who ever lived#i can do it with a broken heart was pretty fun and i did like the florence feature#but daddy i love him is quite literally one of her worst songs ever i’m so serious#not just bc it’s about ratty healy it’s so bad#i was giving the album maybe a 6.5/10 then i got to the 2am tracks#with loml and tsmwel rating a lot higher but still#but god aaron CARRIED these 2am tracks#the theme is still there but it’s like a completely different album it’s so much better#why is it like this????#who’s idea was this????#bc the main album kinda sucks#jack antonoff ur dead to me#i need relisten and get some sleep before i have a ranking#bc rn i do think the 3am tracks did fall off a get a little dreary towards the end#anyway it’s 3am i need to go to bed#ellie chats
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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no one touch me someone just asked if they could bind my fic “a letter to your old address” into a book
HUH??? WHAT?????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#THATS SO COOL WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIKE MY FICSO MUHC YOU WANT TO PRESERVE IT PHYSICALLY AND NOT ONLY PRINT IT BUT BIND IT ASWELL#ON THE FLOOR SOBBING#sorry I need to yell about this here I just#cannot believe this#i love this community and how creative everyone is and it means the world when people get creative with my work#okay that’s all I’m gonna go scream a little more by myself okay bye#mad ramblings#I feel insane#like no one HAS to draw stuff based on my stories or bind my fic into a little book but here you guys are#doing it anyway#just because#it’s midnight how am I supposed to sleep now
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some thoughts i’ve had that don’t get to be individual posts
- i’m like ice king if he didn’t want to kidnap princesses and didn’t have ice powers and was still tired and silly
- you ever think about how crazy breathing is. like we (i don’t know what i was thinking) we breathe in and out we’re all just little creatures
- chutney
#i’m so clever when i’m sleep deprived i have all my best ideas#ok i gotta sleep proper tonight i have to actually make an effort#latest i go to bed is hm maybe half 12 midnight#assuming i loose about half an hour to restlessness as seems to be usual#that would put me at 6 hours if i wake up at 7 which isn’t bad#there’s no way i’ll go to bed before 11 that will not happen#anyway i sat with the dog and h feel rejuvenated she is small and fluffy#ok i think take dogs out then coastal defences. then email then tomodachi life then poetry then lunch#awesome sauceS PLURAL#many sauce s. at least 12#i’m cool i’m a cool guy i’m a cool normal guy and i’m not weird or off putting or incomprehensible#ezra’s real life rambles
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I LOVE PURKI !!! 🫶💜💕💞💝💘💖💗💓
#that’s it that’s the post#no but seriously guys they are so amazing 😭#it’s Past midnight I’m exhausted from the rain and the humidity (and Puppy stress) I’m going to really eat a bit while watch svu and sleep#I’m going to check my video and photos and share a little tomorrow 🥰🫶#it was fun I saw them really well they are so funny and cute 🥹#my mom loved it too she bias Swan (I expected that even before the show cause she loved Siyeon jfbsjdj)#me ? I’m still a Goeun / Chaein girl but Yuki 🥺#she’s my wrecker already but I seriously almost cried everytime she talked she so adorable 😭😭😭😭#anyway i love them so much 🥹#i think I’m going to binge watch some video and ult them I can feel it ckdbjx#alex.txt
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Dude I’ve been thinking about sonic movie 3 so freaking much lately and watching the Mario movie just fueled it more LMAO
I’m going to ramble here bc I’ve already annoyed tf out of my sister and my friends :,)
specifically I’ve been thinking about where shadows going to end up at the end of it. Like I’m fond of the idea of him ending up a Wachowski or adopted by wade BUT I honestly don’t feel like it fits him….
I think, especially if they end up introducing Rouge, that he’ll just end up with her. Cause he’s just so independent like he’s not gonna let some parent him or tell him what to do fuck that he can make his own decisions! He’s the ultimate life form!! He’s not going to eat his veggies just bc some dumb humans told him to >:( !!!! As great as the Wachowski’s are I genuinely don’t think shadows going to like being treated like a kid even if he is one and Rouge won’t do that she respects him so much not that Tom and Maddie won’t but idk I just feel like them trying to take care of him would offend him??? If that makes any sense??? I’m bad at writing down my thoughts but yeah. In summary I don’t think he’s going to end up adopted at the end of the third movie….if he doesn’t die that is 😀
#shadow the hedgehog#sonic movie 3#sonic movie#sonic 2#sonic the hedgehog#maya talks#I low key forgot that he dies in sa2 💀#but anyway#I just CANT stop thinking about Tom and Maddie meeting him and being like#ah shit where are we going to fit this one#and then shadow just dips and they’re like aw what :(#but new son :(#lmao babe wake up new son just dropped#ok it’s midnight I’m going to sleep
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well I can’t say I was incorrect about how my night was gonna be
#I’ve maybe been having the worst sleep of my life? Try to go to bed at like midnight and can’t sleep#finally do but then wake up at like 2 (maybe with a fever? Idk. I wasn’t getting chills but I was nauseous and having weird fever dreams)#I take some gravol in the hopes that the nausea will stop#It doesn’t. I wake up again about half an hour later still nauseous#go get a bowl in case I vomit#try to go back to sleep and wake up again about half an hour later#rinse and repeat for like three hours and then I wake up and realize I have to vomit for real#and now here we are. I’m pretty sure I haven’t gotten more than 2 hours of sleep tonight and I don’t feel like I’m gonna get much more#which sucks. Big time#I also still have a rockin sinus headache and throwing up made my throat hurt real bad#anyway. In hell rn but what can you do
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okay I’m going insane I need to fix my sleep schedule now
#I cannot keep getting up at/after midday this is driving me crazy#SO. I’m gonna not do ice hockey for a little bit until I can get myself normal#I want to step away from ice hockey anyway bc the new committee are being annoying and I need them to stop making me do things#tonight I will go to bed at midnight. and I will stop everything to get ready for bed by 10 bc I need that time#and tomorrow I’m setting my alarm for 7:30#I’m going to have mornings again if it kills me bc this is making me feel like shit now#will also mean hopefully I’m less stressed about work and can schedule stuff with my friends bc oh my god everything has been a nightmare#this week. and it’s only Tuesday what the fuck#also going to make a sleep tracker again bc that worked in February#and I’m setting library times for weekdays as 9:30-12 and 2-5 because getting there is the problem and I normally stay longer once I’m ther#and that worked for exams AND there’s just less work to do now so if I can keep on top of it everything should be fine#just have to actually do it#like right now I rlly need to go get writing bc I need to figure out some title options and that needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon#otherwise there won’t be time to get feedback from my supervisor before the deadline#so while today might be a bit of a lost cause bc I need to shower go to the shop and cook which takes most of the free working time#I can do something and if I can make tomorrow morning work I’ll have enough time#I’m okay with having periodic getting my shit together days as long as I do use them to get my shit together#now pls. get your shit together <3#luke.txt
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I almost accidentally texted my boss that “it’s so hard being a teenage girl in her 20s” :-(
#I also almost told her I couldn’t come in bc I couldn’t trust myself to keep up my little work persona#but I also powered through and didn’t say that#I could’ve tho she doesn’t care what I say#idk I called off summer school this week and like my bad bc I did in fact sign up to do it 💀 but dear god I would die if I lost it#I haven’t cried at this job yet (outside of injury but thats legal crying 🙏) and I will not be breaking my streak#it’s fine we were way over staffed to begin with and half the kids have job placements so like I’d be bored out of my mind anyway#I’m just going to go back to sleep and then go see my mom#I hope Andy printed my little pieces for my costume but when I asked him last night he kept being like ohhh I lose the blah blah#you’re missing parts 😐 of my 600 dollar printer 😐 that I left with you because you said you’d take care of it if I let you use it 😐#ough it’s fine if there any more problems then idk Lydia’s GODD at problem solving and she will be here tomorrow night well at midnight we#so we are probs just coming right home and going to sleep but we have 2 days to get crisis work done if we have to#I’m so lonely I’m going back to sleep#my apologies to my students lol#I HEART 8 AM PERSONAL DIARY POSTING I’m getting such a good grade from my doctor when I tell her#my posts
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CW: mention of gun violence (in a nightmare. not IRL)
i know for a fact that my period makes me more apt to cry over things because i can have a vivid nightmare about getting randomly gunned down while waiting in line to pick up a pizza then wake up and not shed a tear but when i’m on my period i can have one (1) bad dream about my father yelling at me and i wake up and promptly begin full-on sobbing into my pillow
#cw gun mention#cw gun violence#cw nightmares#cw menstruation#cw periods#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#anyways i gave myself a headache from the crying so that’s cool#what’s ironic is that while i was laying there feeling all sad and pathetic i suddenly thought of the Reader x Moon oneshot i wrote#uhhh what was it called i can’t think straight rn#‘when i’ve got no one else’ or smthn like that#and i started crying even harder LMAO#alright it’s midnight-thirty i need to drink some water and go back to sleep#everything’s fine i’m just Stressed™️ right now and yesterday was a long and draining day#i’m almost grateful for my periods making me more emotional actually bc it’s like. easier to just cry and let it all out. y’know?#i used to despise that part of menstruation cause it made me feel weak but you know what? fuck it#maybe sometimes we need to let ourselves feel weak. maybe the inability to let ourselves be vulnerable is actually the thing to hate#being weak sometimes is important in a way#if you can’t let yourself break down sometimes you will like. explode or something. maybe not physically but. emotionally. mentally.#constantly being strong and/or dead inside will hurt you in the end. you gotta be soft and vulnerable every so often. me thinks#okay enough midnight thoughts GOODNIGHT my everything is sore and hurting so i am gonna stop talking now and go back to sleep
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Wait- one of your Au’s, not sure which-
jfjshdh sorry-
Opinions on water?????
- Hydrated Z
Hmm opinions on water are generally positive from everyone I can think of, except for Brownie who can’t swim, and Slate who subconsciously remembers being submerged for 100 years and gets nervous if he puts his head under
#sorry I didn’t get to this yesterday I was sleeeeepy#despite that I didn’t go to sleep until almost midnight#*sigh*#I’m still sleepy#anyways I’m still taking asks by the way#answers from the floor#Z anon#ask the blorbos
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