#anyway I wanted to complain but now I just feel bad for them like
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Literally love your page, like seeing your fic is a immediately read!!!!!! Idk if you do request or not so ignore it if you want
Can you do like Isagi x reader where there like going on a date, and some fans stop them to take pictures with them but one of the fans let slip they like reader more cause she their favorite WAG or something like that, thank you in advance!!!!!<3
Your fans?
Yoichi Isagi x Reader
[1,563 words]
     You two had always made time for dates, no matter how hectic life became. Ever since your relationship turned serious, prioritizing each other had been an unspoken promise. No matter how grueling Isagiâs training got or how deep you found yourself buried in your personal research projects, you both carved out moments just for the two of you. Those moments had once been frequent. Late-night strolls, cozy cafĂŠ visits, spontaneous weekend getaways, but lately, they have become frustratingly scarce.
     Between Isagiâs ever-demanding soccer career and your growing recognition in your respective field, finding time together was beginning to feel like a luxury rather than a routine. You had earned a reputation for yourself at a remarkably young age, and Isagiâs talent had propelled him into the spotlight more than ever. It was exhilarating, yet exhausting.
     And when you finally did find the time to go on a date, it hardly felt like one anymore. The quiet, intimate moments you craved were constantly interrupted by eager fans. At first, you didnât mind. It was sweet seeing little kids approach Isagi, their eyes brimming with admiration, their excitement barely contained as they asked for autographs or a quick picture. Those moments warmed your heart, knowing how much he inspired them.
     But the fangirls⌠the relentless, wide-eyed admirers who seemed to forget you even existedâthose were starting to wear on you. The way they giggled, clung to every word he spoke, and completely disregarded the fact that he was clearly on a date made your patience run thin. And the older fans, the ones who treated him like a celebrity first and a person second, werenât much better. It was draining, watching your time with him slip away bit by bit, stolen by people who didnât understand how rare these moments were for you.
     You never wanted to resent his success. You were proud of him, so incredibly proud. But sometimes, you wished you could go back to when it was just the two of you, uninterrupted and unbothered. Was that such a bad thing to want?
     "Y/N-channn!" Isagi came bursting in through the door.
     "Ichi, what the hell?!" you yelped.
     "What?" he asked, blinking innocently.
     "Ever heard of knocking? I could've been naked!"
     "You say that like itâs a bad thing." His lips curled into a smirk.
     You shot him a glare, and he laughed before changing the subject. "Anyway, why arenât you ready yet?"
     "For what?"
     "Our date!"
     "When did we plan that?" You asked, not that you were complaining. You hadnât been on one in awhile.
     "Right now," he grinned, completely unbothered. "Go get ready!"
     You stared at him, waiting expectantly. He stared back. Is he stupid?
     âSo you gonna change orâŚ?â He finally spoke, coughing awkwardly.
     "With you in here?" You looked at him with bewilderment. Since when did he get so bold?
     âYeah.â
     "Iâm not stripping while your perverted ass is staring."
     "Nothing I havenât seen before," he shrugged, eyes twinkling with mischief.
     "Out!" You grabbed a pillow and chucked it at the thirsty man. âYou fienâ
     He dodged, laughing as he backed toward the door. "Only for you, love!"
     You shut the door behind him, shaking your head with a small smile.
     -
     The evening air was crisp, carrying the distant hum of city life as you and Isagi strolled through the streets, hand in hand. The glow of streetlights bathed the pavement in a warm, golden hue, and the faint scent of roasted chestnuts from a nearby vendor filled the air. It was peaceful, just the two of you, wrapped in the comfort of each otherâs presence. These were the moments you cherished most. The quiet, stolen fragments of normalcy. Laughter bubbled up between you two as your dorky boyfriend spouted some random nonsense he knew would make you laugh. It was sweet, the way he was so tentative towards you.
     But that tranquility didnât last for long.
     You felt it before it even happened. Familiar, lingering glances from a small group of middle schoolers standing nearby. Their hushed whispers, barely concealed excitement, and the way they kept shifting their gaze toward Isagi made it all too clear. You sighed inwardly, already knowing what was coming.
     Sure enough, three of them finally gathered the courage to approach. Their steps were hesitant at first, their hands fidgeting at their sides. One of the kids, probably the boldest of the group, cleared their throat before speaking.
     âU-um⌠excuse me! YouâreâYouâre Isagi Yoichi, right?â Their voice wavered between nervousness and awe, their friends standing just behind, eyes wide with anticipation.
     You stole a glance at Isagi, who offered them a small, friendly smile.
     And as much as you wanted to be patient, to remind yourself that these were just people who admired him, you couldnât ignore the twinge of irritation settling in your chest. Your time with him was so limited, and yet, even now, it wasnât truly yours.
     "Can we take a picture? We're really big fans!"
     You sighed, prepared for the routine of Isagi smiling for the camera while you played photographer. But then, something unexpected happened. Instead of handing you the phone, they positioned themselves between both of you. You blinked. They wanted a picture with you, too? Isagi and you, not just him.
     Your boyfriend grinned as he wrapped an arm around you, all too amused by your shocked expression. You managed to smile for the camera, still processing the fact that, for once, you werenât forgotten.
     Then, to your even greater surprise, one of the middle schoolers turned to you, practically vibrating with excitement. "C-Can I get a picture with just you, L/n-san?"
     Your jaw nearly dropped.
     "Huh? Me?"
     "Yes! You're so cool!" they beamed before handing the phone over to Isagi to take the picture.
     Your face went hot. Isagi, meanwhile, couldnât help the fireworks in his heart at the sight of your expression. The way your eyebrows were raised, your cheeks flushed and your eyes all wide and doey. You looked like the epitome of the expression, âdeer in headlightsâ.
     You tried to regain your composure, posing for the picture.
     The middle schooler grinned, clutching their phone like it held the most precious treasure. "You're so smart and pretty, and you and Isagi are, like, goals!"
     Isagi chuckled under his breath, watching as your flustered expression deepened. His grip on your hand tightened slightly, a silent reassurance as you blinked in surprise at the unexpected compliment. You werenât used to being recognized, at least not in this way. It was always about Isagi, about his incredible skills on the field, his rising fame, his career. But to hear someone acknowledge you, your intelligence, your looks, and your relationship caught you completely off guard.
     âYou follow my work?â you stammered, blinking at the middle schooler, who grinned and clutched their phone like it was holding the most precious treasure.
    �� âOf course!â they chirped. âYour research is so cool! I read that article you posted last monthâwell, I didnât understand all of it, but it was still amazing! And your social media posts? Super inspiring! Youâre always sharing interesting stuff, and the way you talk about your work is justâahhh, so cool! Youâre, like, super talented!â
     Your lips parted, struggling to find the right words. âOh! Thank you!â you finally managed, offering them a small, bashful smile.
     The kid practically beamed, rocking on their heels as they stared up at the two of you with starry-eyed admiration. âSeriously, you guys are amazing!â
     âIt was nice meeting you, bye!â They said before running back to where they were, giggling.
     You watched them go, their excitement still bubbling over as they rejoined their friends. A small smile tugged at your lips. Despite the initial interruption, you had to admit, it wasnât the worst encounter.
     Isagi let out a breath, rubbing the back of his neck as he turned to you with an amused grin. âSee? Youâre famous too,â he teased.
     You rolled your eyes but couldnât hide the warmth in your expression. âHardly. But⌠it was kind of nice,â you admitted, glancing down at your intertwined hands. âIâm just not used to it. People always recognize you, not me.â
     Isagi tilted his head slightly, squeezing your hand before placing a soft kiss on your lips. âWell, they should. You work just as hard if not more.â
     Your heart fluttered at his words, the sincerity in his voice melting away the remnants of your earlier frustration. He always had this way of making you feel valued, of reminding you that your work, your passion, that you were just as important as everything else.
     Noâyou were the most important to him. You just didnât notice it. You didnât see the way heâd always steal glances at you, the way he needed to constantly be touching at least some part of you, the way he needed at least (if not more) a kiss a day, the way he needed to hear your voice just to get through the week, the way he just needed you.
     You sighed, leaning into him slightly as you resumed walking. Isagi hummed softly, draping an arm around your shoulders as he pulled you close once again. You smiled, letting yourself sink into the warmth of the moment. Even if the world would always pull at him, demanding his time and attention, it all belonged to you.
#isagi x reader#bllk isagi yoichi#isagi yoichi x reader#yoichi isagi x reader#blue lock x reader#blue lock#bllk
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i meant to finish this some time ago đ but anyway, back on my bodyguard rotting! special tag for @crushmeeren because i think i put this in ur inbox a while ago and never got around to it lol, anyway here it is. nsfw under divider, f! reader for that part đ¤đŤ§
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/8f321301f496bc86223f064e88af582c/1999092b836e37ea-59/s540x810/03a3eb7018e706ce910deaeed46dc04af5264765.jpg)
bodyguard! eijiro, who has a smile just like sunshine. who has a dopey grin and the personality of a golden retriever. who, on paper, doesnât sound like heâd be capable of even hurting a fly- until you see his rock hard muscles peaking through his shirt, or the jagged edges of his skin after activating his quirk. who, 90% of the time, is so sweet its tooth rotting. the other 10% of the time, heâs a nightmare to whoever threatens you.
bodyguard! eijiro, who genuinely loves his job. heâs level-headed and rational, able to solve most disputes with some talking or light physical action. who canât complain, because after all, most of his day is being around a funny, beautiful person- so who cares if he has to rough up a guy for cutting you off or being too touchy? heâs happy to do it.
bodyguard! eijiro, who takes âdoing anything to protect youâ and makes it âdoing anything for you.â donât feel like driving? heâs got it. have a very specific craving at 2 in the morning? no questions asked. heâs also attentive, noting your mannerisms or idiosyncrasies that make you, you. he may not say it, but he knows those subtle signs of burn out, or anxiety, or exhaustion. as much as his job is to protect you from external threats, he cares just as much- if not more- about protecting your happiness.
bodyguard! eijiro, who is the best person to bring to bars or clubs. the first reason being that youâd trust him if you were hanging off a ledge, but the second being that heâs just may be the funniest, most charming guy youâve ever met. who doesnât even realize how attractive it is, the way he can make you lose your breath with laughter while maintaining an iron grip on your drink, placing his hand on your waist and protectively eyeing anyone whoâs eyes seem a little too stuck on you for his liking.
bodyguard! eijiro, who asks if its okay if he take the two of you back to his place because its closer, and because he secretly doesnât want the night to end. who sees your shoes by the door, coat laying on his couch, and you unwinding in his washroom and feels a little pang in his heart. who knows his feelings well and knows damn well by now he has a crush, but keeps it professional. until you canât hold it in any longer and tell him how bad you have it for him. by then, heâs throwing you over his shoulder and towards his bedroom.
â§.* â.Ë âž .âË â§.* â§.* â.Ë âž .âË â§.* â§.* â.Ë âž .âË â§.* â§.*
bodyguard! ejiro, who is just as sweet as he is rough. who will tug off your clothes (shredding them if he has to) and apologetically kiss the bare skin underneath. who has sharp teeth, and wonât hesitate to sink them in even if you tear up a little. who manhandles you, tossing you around on the bed like its nothing, whispering: âyou like this position, baby?â âlet me know what feels good.â meanwhile, heâs folding you like origami.
bodyguard! eijiro, who loves your tits. who canât resist grabbing himself a handful once he gets your bra off, captivated by the way the jiggle and spring free. who can be a little mean, pinching and twisting your nipples before taking one in his mouth. who makes sure you feel his razor sharp teeth graze the sensitive bud, alternating between the two, giving each the same amount of love and attention. who releases them with a slight pop! deciding he wants to taste more of you.
bodyguard! eijiro, makes sure your comfortable before going down on you like heâs starving. on any other day, heâd ease into it- slowly kissing, soft licks and light sucking- but who has waited so long to do this he hopes youâll forgive his impatience. who makes sure your thighs wrap around his head, eating your pussy out like its his last meal. who literally will not move from between your legs until you make him, telling him that youâre already dizzy with pleasure.
bodyguard! eijiro, who smirks a little when he pulls his boxers down, letting his cock spring free, seeing your eyes widen and your cheeks blush. who, quite frankly, knows heâs big, but also knows how to use it. who takes your thighs and folds you in half, giving him a better view. whoâll run the tip of his cock through your folds, hearing your whines and feeling it go straight to his dick. who meets no resistance finally pushing himself inside you, moaning in unison when he feels your pretty walls taking him in.
bodyguard! eijiro, who has god-like stamina. who makes that skin slapping noise he knows drives you insane, grunting and moaning when he feels himself reach mind-meltingly deep inside you. who wrecks your pussy and praises you while heâs doing it: âtaking me so good, ah.â âmaking me feel so good, princess? shit, iâm not stopping anytime soon.â who makes a mental note to himself that heâll probably run out the next morning to grab you plan b.
speaking of which⌠bodyguard! eijiro, who slows down just a little, asking you where you want him to finish. who could cum right then and there when you tell him you donât want him pulling out, to which heâs more than happy to oblige. who feels his orgasm coming, but draws out yours as much as possible- massaging your tits, kissing you deep, rubbing little circles on your clit. who makes sure heâs buried deep when he feels you cum, groaning as he feels your walls clamp down on his cock. who pumps in and out a few more times before collapsing down beside you. who, 2 seconds later, gets up to grab you water or ice, but who canât resist when you pull him back into bed, vowing to deal with the soreness as long as heâs next to you.
bodyguard! eijiro, who is more than happy to carry you around everywhere the next morning, returning back to his jovial green like he didnât just rearrange your organs the night before. <3
#bnha x y/n#bnha x fem!reader#bnha x self insert#bnha x reader#bnha x gender neutral reader#bnha x you#mha x y/n#mha x you#mha x gender neutral reader#mha x reader#mha fanfic#mha fanfiction#bnha fanfic#bnha fanfiction#kirishima x you#kirishima eijiro x reader#kirishima eijirou x reader#bnha smut#mha smut#kirishima smut#kirishima x reader#mha eijiro kirishima#eijirou x reader#eijiro x reader#kirishima x y/n#mha kirishima x reader#bnha kirishima x reader#eijirou kirishima#bnha eijiro kirishima#mha eijirou
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What they donât tell you about not having played a game yourself and only watching YouTube videos of it is that the fanfiction for that game will either be good or bad (this will happen either way. And can change from one to another)
#loserâs liddol rambles#listen#I missed otomerson so much on tumblr that I completely forgot what drove them off in the first place#and let me just say. they absolutely cannot come back under any circumstances omorionette will get them straight up doxxed#these people couldnât handle a fic where the problems were straight up said in the tags#they absolutely will not survive a fic where the tags arenât enough to warn about the fic#sigh#anyway I wanted to complain but now I just feel bad for them like#poor oto đ§ anyway they should still tag omorionette as dead dove because listen. all the tags in the world couldnât prepare me for chapter#chapter 19*#I donât give five shits if dd:dne is âassociated with pornâ like oto thatâs not what the tag means. the tag does not mean porn.#also literally where have they seen this shit lmaooo dd:dne is associated with whump dawg . WHICH IS WHAT OMORIONETTE IS#like this shit ainât getting better#but theyâre one of those authors who âdonât want to spoil the fic with tagsâ bitch itâs either spoil the fic or traumatize someone pick your#pick your poison*
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Btw just want to be clear that Time and Time Again is set to, and will if I don't pause, conclude in May 2025!
Webtoon didn't want to renew or give me any extra episodes so I'm trying to work with what I have. I'm sorry it's ending sooner than I'd like, it's been difficult to come to terms with and challenging to condense my plans.
You deserve a solid conclusion, and I've spent months writing to try and reach that. If there's anything you'd really like to see before it ends, do let me know in case I can (and want to) fit it in.
I'd rather not work with them again, and I hope I won't have to! But coming off of years being overworked and underpaid does not make that easy, to say the least...
I'm doing my best, and I hope you like what I have coming up.
#years of being overworked. underpaid. and literally manipulated and gaslit lmfao#it does not feel good to beg to be treated equally. and then told to be satisfied with less than that#it has been repeatedly demoralizing and insulting#and im not doing it again#i would rather nanny again (most exhausting job ive ever had) than work with them again#but. i would rather not!#I'd rather continue to make comics#but to do it full time i would need like 500 patrons on the $5 tier minimum...#which is SO MANY PEOPLE and incomprehensible to me#ive already proven to myself i can live on 25k a year but obviously its tight (i live in socal)#this. is not what this post is about#it's so hard for me not to complain about them#i feel bad for my current patrons i only share stuff on discord as of right now#well i do the merch packages but like#it's mostly just my discord#just dont have the time or energy to manage my patreon#cause idk if yall know but patreons site is TERRIBLE from the creator side???#it takes like 5 minutes to upload a single post it's ridiculous#so i cant manage it rn. I've thought about hiring someone to help me with it but i cant afford any help#anyways ultimately this is informing people its gonna end#and is turning into a vent around all of the stress surrounding that#like i literally had to take a couple months to just be sad its gonna end and come to terms with that#its hard! it's hard feeling so tossed aside and having your stories controlled even in part by someone else#anyways yeah#i havent finished writing the last arc yet#so theres space for me to fit stuff if theres something people really want#so id like to get in what i could if i can!#text post#sorry i always turn any thoughts about comics into vents about webtoon#theyre so ass man..... it's fine. im gone in may...
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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i hate doing laundry ough it's The Worst
#not only does leaning down to move my stuff hurt my back#but i have to touch dirty clothes and go into the dirty room and touch the dirty machines and i have to wear 2 pairs of socks (so my#normal socks dont touch the contaminated floor) and when i lean over the washing machine my clothes touch it <-the worst part of it all#tbh. now my current clothes are dirty but i have nothing to change into and i will have to wear them all day and it makes me SICK#and i cannot talk abt how dirty the garage (where the laundry machines are) it makes me nauseous that place kills me if i never#had to go into it ever again i would and i have to carry a laundry basket (dirty) and it touches my clothes when i carry it (disgusting)#and now my clothes are even more dirty and i feel like i cant touch any of my things bc i dont want to infect them but i cant just do#nothing all day when i have to do laundry but it makes me so SICK i need smth to cover all of my clothes but everything i've tried misses#some part and my clothes are ruined and it makes me SICK how am i supposed to do school or draw or anything when it's so bad#i have everything scheduled so i can take a shower and go straight to bed after i'm done but still it's so bad and it stresses me tf out#and i have to do laundry every 3 days because i only have 3 towels to use after showering and even if i did have more towels#i still would have to do laundry as often bc i couldnt handle doing multiple loads or having bigger loads my back couldnt handle that#w the system i have set up now it's just bad it;s all bad i hate doing laundry#i dream of one day where i can do laundry in a better way i think it'd involve not having the washer and dryer down steps bc that's#dangerous for one and for two not having them in a garage bc garages stress me out and three to have smth to cover all of my clothes#and 4 to have machines that dont need me to bend down idk if they have ones like that but it hurts#anyway that's it for listening to dux complain abt smth that ultimately doesnt matter and is only a problem bc their brain#chemistry is off#k bye i have to go do laundry *explodes* and take an exam *explodes* it;s an essay exam *explodes* and then im going#to like sit around feeling sick thumbs up emoji
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if i think about the dd2 rewrite backstory for sarmenti too much i will get mad and start throwing up and crying
#THE ORIGINAL WAS SO COOLLLL LET HIM KILL HIS SHITTY KING!!!!#.mid#darkest dungeon 2 as a whole seems very obsessed with the idea of characters having to feel remorse for their abusers#and it being like. a righteous thing. audrey was done so dirty too#like the original gameâs lore worked because it did not try to moralise the actions of the heroes necessarily#like. there was an ambiguity towards what was âacceptableâ violence and âsinâ in the dd world#which made it interesting to discuss what exactly the fatal flaw each character had was#like sarmenti is deemed to require redemption because he killed his king. but heâs not guilty. and his king was torturing him first#thereâs nuance there and it feels like everyone in universe Gets that. such ambiguity is supported by things like the sanitarium#and its self awareness as a âfactoryâ meant to repair those who are unfit for work to get them To Work again#characters lack agency and fall to the whims of what society deems acceptable. which is reflected in the way the characters see themselves#and going back to an audience perspective. itâs why characters like the antiquarian are interesting#but in dd2 theyâre just brazenly like Lol nah sheâs an evil bitch who wants moneyyyy like. doesnât everyone. why is she deemed evil#what sets her aside from highwayman then? WHO GOT THAT STUPID PRISON BACKSTORY TOO#darkest dungeon#this goes in the main tag maybe prople want to see me complain#anyway. one last complaint for now. audrey got done so dirty in general#only thing i like about her rewrite is her lounging in the mansion and letting it fall to ruin and just running away afterward#but i do NOT like her husband being abusive because he was an eeeevil drunkard with an evil bad addiction that made him evil#and i think itâs weird the game kind of implies audrey is âbecoming like himâ due to her obsession with riches + dd2 making it canon#she is an alcoholic? is it meant to read like a âlook sheâs turning into her evil abuserâ thing? it sucksâŚ.
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man .
#i gotta put this somewhere. i'm complaining about the guys and expressing my disappointment in the tags#this is just my own feelings and discomfort don't have to agree or comment on anything. anyone can have their own thoughts#i should stop looking them up or even bother checking their socials and what they're up to#if not i'd just be rolling my eyes and making myself more annoyed at them lol#i don't feel as bad for not caring since it's probably too much to expect that#white patriotic american middle aged men to not support their hell of a cuntry aka that violent imperial core nightmare#i was kinda fond of them at first but now it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth that i rather just avoid because#bringing this up has no benefit anyway. anything said more will just be regarded as a 'cancel culture' attempt but#they're not bad people. they are good people and that's entirely the point#it's not a unique problem and for as long as that imperial nightmare stays in power anyone who willingly supports it and its actions#show that some lives are worth more than other lives all so that western society will always have more power#and is not something worth worrying about. they're just strangers to me anyway. i don't care about them i don't want to care about them#again this is not me saying they're bad or 'problematic' people. they are good people and that's why it disappoints me#but like i said it's not worth worrying about since they are just an example rather than the core issue#i just wanted to write this down because the bitterness is just there now lol#i've been able to separate the real people/actors and the characters they play so it doesn't affect my enjoyment as much anymore#i'm just. sorry for talking negatively lol i know people use their interests as an escape like i know. i use this show as my escape too#but some things are just hard to ignore when they affect real life so.. eh .#i still like the show and the characters haha i'm just fighting with myself internally i guess idk#like it doesn't really hurt to enjoy them. it's not bad. i'm allowed to disagree with the creators of something i like#my ramblings
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but đŹđŤ#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Donât Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean Iâm good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like âyeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.â#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and donât try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and Iâve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I canât even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I donât think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like Iâm lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and Iâm In The Vicinity. even when theyâre clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I donât cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything theyâre upset with me for. which isnât fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I canât even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. Iâm actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and itâs not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. Iâve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like âwell. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you wereâ.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesnât make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. Iâm not. Iâm weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that theyâre generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that theyâre probably right#which is why Iâm not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now Iâm just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know itâs draining to talk to someone who doesnât accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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Bad news: I can tell my default state is shifting into Bad as a baseline instead of visiting it every so often.
Good news: at least I'm aware of it?
Bad news: do not know what to do with said awareness
#my mind is an odd place#i just... at least I can still care about things but my worry and paranoia are on full blast#and it's like I have friends! and people who care about me!#but my brain is like but what if they hate you or you're hurting them somehow?#and I know it's my brain causing problems but it still feels bad!#and I don't wanna complain because I do too much of that already#and I'm the only one to blame for the thoughts in my head and it's not right to put that weight on anyone else#and my interest in things right now is like touching a hot stove when you're freezing#I don't know if that makes any sense but it's like i want to engage and doing so would be for the best but I also can't#anyway I need to try and sleep. have been trying for a while but maybe I'm finally tired enough for it to work
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Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday and we spent an hour discussing what I was doing with my life đ
#my uncle wants me to go get a PhD in quant or finance or information systems and then become a professor#OR#be a lawyer or a dentist#the PhD thing was very specifically catered when I was like đđ˝đđ˝ I wanna teach#none of those things sound all that appealing..#space law Has Potential#but I think it would make me want to rip my hair out#they were both like. you have two years but then figure your life out by then#and then they were like. what is ur cousin doing. has he proposed yet#and I was like ??? it hasnât even bee n a year?? I think theyâre going to Japan#and oopsies apparently he had not told them they were going to Japan#my bad#after I. very reasonably said it makes sense to wait 2-3 years#he went âwhat is there going to be left to talk about then. life is all downhill from there. might as well get married nowâ#and. Iâve never ever ever heard that from a human being before#WHAT DO U MEAN YOULL RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT#I could never#anyways love having my existential crises exacerbated by familial interactions#they just Say Things#I need to study. Iâm gonna go do that maybe#actually no I want to complain more. my uncle keeps saying that the problem with space is that thereâs only a few cities that work on it.#and thatâs gonna limit my choice of partner#(so funny how they say partner. they are very homophobic and have no idea or theyâd go THE MAN YOU MARRY like my mother does)#I feel like space is growingâŚ#altho Iâm sure thatâs what people thought in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s#idk some of these bitches have been around since like the 70s and 80s and 90s#so itâs not like they all got fired immediately#my dental hygienist was telling me space was great until Obama slashed the budget#I didnât have anything to say back considering I was 8 when he was elected and know v little about his policies#anyways. this is a psa to not call ur relatives even to wish them happy bday because then theyâll trap u in conversation and make u question
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said âthere there buddyâ like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me ÂŁ1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have ÂŁ300#i don't have the ÂŁ300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
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#this is something i usually wouldnt do because i really struggle talking about shit like this because of things that have happened to me in#the past but anyways#i really need white people to understand that a lot of stuff you enjoy and are able to love has bothered poc for years. muslims.#specifically im thinking of eurovision just because i keep seeing stuff like oh i love eurovision but we have to boycott its the right thing#to do!! and while i appreciate people Finally coming to that fucking conclusion. ever since i forst ever watched it the fact that israel#competed and consistently performed so well with votes etc always bothered me so much. but it was popular. everyone watches it#so you sit and try to bear and endure#idk what im trying to say by this#i guess i just want people to be more conscious and look around them#is there a reason certain spaces are mostly filled with white people? is this a place where poc could even be welcomed or feel safe. most of#the time the answer is no. i think especially with the Slow rise of south asian actors in western media and seeing the way people are#constantly bullied. and even just watching some of my childhood shows/movies and seeing the amount of racist jokes. like i always thought i#knew how bad it was. but being reminded. idk. racism just fucking sucks and i wish white people were able to care about it more without#complaining about their comfort. maybe theres a reason youre uncomfortable#i will probably delete this but for now and for whoever sees this âď¸#le text post
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every time im sitting here like "damn why am i suddenly really anxious and restless and irritable and its hard to breathe" and then i realize. oh. yeah. ive been wearing my binder for too long
#LITERALLY every fucking time i wear it without fail#i forget its there!#and then i go do strenuous physical activity and because im fucking stupid im like damn why am i out of breath so easy#head in hands. is he stupid?#yes .#anyway. taking it off now. cooking myself some biscuits. and maybe some shrimp#i need top surgery so bad#or like. a compression shirt or whatever that i can wear for long periods of time that doesn't do this to me#aauerghghghghg.#weighing the options of. dont want to take binder off because body shape is bad. have to take binder off or i will continue feeling worse.#its snowing biiiiiig fluffy flakes outside rn . man .#UGHGGHG. TW FOR SH MENTION COMING UP.#I JUST REALIZED I CANT WVEN DO THE âTAKE THE BINDER OFF WHILE STILL WEARING A SHIRTâ TRICK#BC IM STUPID AND MY DUMBASS ARMS HURT WHEN FABRIC TOUCHES THEM . SO I HAVE TO GET UP AND MOVE AND TAKE MY SHIRT OFF FIRST.#hell world. everything sucks forevwr#this is the most baby thing to he complaining about. but again. taps the sign. ive been wearing my damn binder too long
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