#i need top surgery so bad
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I don't want to leave the house because that would require me to put a shirt on
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every time im sitting here like "damn why am i suddenly really anxious and restless and irritable and its hard to breathe" and then i realize. oh. yeah. ive been wearing my binder for too long
#LITERALLY every fucking time i wear it without fail#i forget its there!#and then i go do strenuous physical activity and because im fucking stupid im like damn why am i out of breath so easy#head in hands. is he stupid?#yes .#anyway. taking it off now. cooking myself some biscuits. and maybe some shrimp#i need top surgery so bad#or like. a compression shirt or whatever that i can wear for long periods of time that doesn't do this to me#aauerghghghghg.#weighing the options of. dont want to take binder off because body shape is bad. have to take binder off or i will continue feeling worse.#its snowing biiiiiig fluffy flakes outside rn . man .#UGHGGHG. TW FOR SH MENTION COMING UP.#I JUST REALIZED I CANT WVEN DO THE “TAKE THE BINDER OFF WHILE STILL WEARING A SHIRT” TRICK#BC IM STUPID AND MY DUMBASS ARMS HURT WHEN FABRIC TOUCHES THEM . SO I HAVE TO GET UP AND MOVE AND TAKE MY SHIRT OFF FIRST.#hell world. everything sucks forevwr#this is the most baby thing to he complaining about. but again. taps the sign. ive been wearing my damn binder too long
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I just wanna wear slutty man tops like just mesh shirts omgg
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starting 2 look like eriks era vash
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i so desperately need to win the lottery or something so i can afford top surgery
this dysphoria is just driving me nuts
#not a cat#its the middle of the night and the dysphoria is comin on way too strong i need top surgery so fuckin bad
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sorry i disappeared i was mentally ill. still am but better.
got top surgery! recovering. lots going on
feelings are rough. emotional regulation is rough. but i'm still here
#bun speaks#ngl emotionally thrashed atm bc i just went through a rough situation but the person in question and i are good. something didn't pan out#also helping someone with a dicey sitch and that's been rough#my recovery for top surgery has been rough as well and painful#so i'm having a rough one. the washer and dryer are broken so my banages are having to be cleaned by hand and im dealin with bad stitches#the facility i got surgery from is 5 hours away so i need to get an appointment soon. it's just a lot at once!!#vent#update
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miserable injury update:
#poor mr sportsthoughts has chipped a considerable chunk off of the top bone in his foot. looking like a long-ish recovery#and definitely means he can't finish his current contract and instead needs to go and sit in rehab for 6 months. which. i mean at least#in his line of work that's something he's sent to do and gets paid for etc.#but it's beyond shitty because we thought we only had 5 more months left of him being away all the time and now it looks closer to a year#at the least. ugh he is in so much pain and it's not even something surgery can fix and he's going to be absolutely insufferable#because he is not someone who cannot be running around exercising every minute of every day and he already has cabin fever#womp womp i just feel so sorry for myself and him#i genuinely felt like i was crawling to the end of the contract and barely surviving and the thought of this being extended is so bad
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I need 8 tattoos IMMEDIATELY
#I miss getting tattooed every 4 months!! I haven’t been able to afford it in a year now 😔#hear me out I wanna get:#-forearm piece from my fav artist. probably a bat (would have to travel this one)#-additions to the bat leg sleeve including a cute little floral piece and maybe a big woodcut style piece coming up to my hip#-a piece or two filling out the space on my left arm. maybe a critter skull? maybe some creepy flowers or plants?#-something on my torso. anything at all#-strawberries… somewhere…#and after I’ve had top surgery I’m gonna get a bat on my chest and something on my stomach#I need neck tats eventually too#might hold off on shoulders until my collar is done#space and all#anyways. my skin is supposed to be a work of art I fucking crave it so bad#maybe this is why I’ve been so set on burning the stars and dots into myself lmao#craving the permanent pretty markings#let me Be Art#batty posts
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on tiktok and passed a call of duty fanartist who referenced "the watchers top surgeried grian"
going to start telling people i have a cultural impact based on this One tiktok and when they ask me what i am talking about i will refuse to answer
#ask#anon#also what does this mean#did they draw a [bad guy] top surgeried my soldier comic???#president ronald reagan top surgeried agent bell.#love that /srs#edit: i actually need to see this but i do not use tiktok so if anyone runs across it please send me a link
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back at the ortho and my challenge today is to NOT cry
#so far so good but I’m real close ahdjfjshs#there is evidence in my CT that I fractured my right talus#and developed a bone spur on top. which would explain a lot of the pain I’m dealing with#and also my still-limited range of motion#might need arthroscopic surgery. but I think that will be a good thing#man I really fucked these bad boys up#but I am feeling so so so relieved to finally have some fucking answers
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speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling
#[static]#it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism#some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under#i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever#it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others#and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing#like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks#every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like#one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways#something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out#i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery#poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop#never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on#so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly#and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again#its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much#im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel
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my back hurts so so so bad does anyone have a spare $10k lying around i wont pay you back
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my tits are not working w this shirt im gonna kms
#*fizzyspeaks#which one of my mutuals wants to do my top surgery#I NEED TO GET A BINDER#i want to wear my twilight tshirt but the breasts are breasting#the front isnt so bad but i turned to the side and got a real shock#JUMP SCARE
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the good thing about my 7 mile run - my legs feel great!! they're not stiff or hurting rn. the bad thing?? You know what does hurt??? my fucking. nipples. bad.
#chafed on my sports bra the WHOLE TIME#it hurts so bad. still hurts.#anyways. i need top surgery im asking ny doc for a referral today
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i’m losing my fucking mind. it’s so disgustingly foul today everyone who says summer is their favourite should kill themselves
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.
#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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