#i need top surgery so bad
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I don't want to leave the house because that would require me to put a shirt on
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every time im sitting here like "damn why am i suddenly really anxious and restless and irritable and its hard to breathe" and then i realize. oh. yeah. ive been wearing my binder for too long
#LITERALLY every fucking time i wear it without fail#i forget its there!#and then i go do strenuous physical activity and because im fucking stupid im like damn why am i out of breath so easy#head in hands. is he stupid?#yes .#anyway. taking it off now. cooking myself some biscuits. and maybe some shrimp#i need top surgery so bad#or like. a compression shirt or whatever that i can wear for long periods of time that doesn't do this to me#aauerghghghghg.#weighing the options of. dont want to take binder off because body shape is bad. have to take binder off or i will continue feeling worse.#its snowing biiiiiig fluffy flakes outside rn . man .#UGHGGHG. TW FOR SH MENTION COMING UP.#I JUST REALIZED I CANT WVEN DO THE “TAKE THE BINDER OFF WHILE STILL WEARING A SHIRT” TRICK#BC IM STUPID AND MY DUMBASS ARMS HURT WHEN FABRIC TOUCHES THEM . SO I HAVE TO GET UP AND MOVE AND TAKE MY SHIRT OFF FIRST.#hell world. everything sucks forevwr#this is the most baby thing to he complaining about. but again. taps the sign. ive been wearing my damn binder too long
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starting 2 look like eriks era vash
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i so desperately need to win the lottery or something so i can afford top surgery
this dysphoria is just driving me nuts
#not a cat#its the middle of the night and the dysphoria is comin on way too strong i need top surgery so fuckin bad
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miserable injury update:
#poor mr sportsthoughts has chipped a considerable chunk off of the top bone in his foot. looking like a long-ish recovery#and definitely means he can't finish his current contract and instead needs to go and sit in rehab for 6 months. which. i mean at least#in his line of work that's something he's sent to do and gets paid for etc.#but it's beyond shitty because we thought we only had 5 more months left of him being away all the time and now it looks closer to a year#at the least. ugh he is in so much pain and it's not even something surgery can fix and he's going to be absolutely insufferable#because he is not someone who cannot be running around exercising every minute of every day and he already has cabin fever#womp womp i just feel so sorry for myself and him#i genuinely felt like i was crawling to the end of the contract and barely surviving and the thought of this being extended is so bad
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I need 8 tattoos IMMEDIATELY
#I miss getting tattooed every 4 months!! I haven’t been able to afford it in a year now 😔#hear me out I wanna get:#-forearm piece from my fav artist. probably a bat (would have to travel this one)#-additions to the bat leg sleeve including a cute little floral piece and maybe a big woodcut style piece coming up to my hip#-a piece or two filling out the space on my left arm. maybe a critter skull? maybe some creepy flowers or plants?#-something on my torso. anything at all#-strawberries… somewhere…#and after I’ve had top surgery I’m gonna get a bat on my chest and something on my stomach#I need neck tats eventually too#might hold off on shoulders until my collar is done#space and all#anyways. my skin is supposed to be a work of art I fucking crave it so bad#maybe this is why I’ve been so set on burning the stars and dots into myself lmao#craving the permanent pretty markings#let me Be Art#batty posts
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on tiktok and passed a call of duty fanartist who referenced "the watchers top surgeried grian"
going to start telling people i have a cultural impact based on this One tiktok and when they ask me what i am talking about i will refuse to answer
#ask#anon#also what does this mean#did they draw a [bad guy] top surgeried my soldier comic???#president ronald reagan top surgeried agent bell.#love that /srs#edit: i actually need to see this but i do not use tiktok so if anyone runs across it please send me a link
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back at the ortho and my challenge today is to NOT cry
#so far so good but I’m real close ahdjfjshs#there is evidence in my CT that I fractured my right talus#and developed a bone spur on top. which would explain a lot of the pain I’m dealing with#and also my still-limited range of motion#might need arthroscopic surgery. but I think that will be a good thing#man I really fucked these bad boys up#but I am feeling so so so relieved to finally have some fucking answers
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speaking of ocd, I think I'm realizing that I truly don't have anxiety and it's literally just my ocd. im not anxious about anything until it involves me and suddenly I'm spiraling
#[static]#it's hard to describe succinctly but the anxiety I deal with nowadays is directly related to my ocd and autism#some anxiety is so easy to brush off but the ones stemming from my ocd are extremely difficult to get out from under#i'll spiral for weeks about one specific thing and ruminate on it and mentally worry and pick at it forever#it's utterly exhausting jfkdghdf some days are easier than others#and often that one thing I ruminate on becomes multiple things all stemming from the first thing#like recently it's been my car ... the thing is totally fine ... runs fine drives fine but ive been freaked out by it for the last 3 weeks#every time i go into the shop theyre like ... everything is good in fact its in good condition for its age and they'll mention like#one thing that will need to be replaced to keep it in tip top condition and then my brain will fixate on it and imagine all the ways#something horrific will happen if that doesnt get changed and then that leads to all the other things in the car suddenly freaking me out#i defs used to have general anxiety and depression but those went away literally the day i got top surgery#poof instantly gone it was wild and i kept waiting for the other shoe to drop#never did but now my ocd has been really bad the last 6 months cuz of all the extra horrifying things going on#so i thought it was just my anxiety coming back but this week i realized it was my ocd and have been treating it accordingly#and ive seen some relief but i definitely need to go back to therapy once i get my insurance again#its the only way to get a hold on it and my last therapist ended up moving states so we didnt get to work on tools for it very much#im yapping at this point i just needed to vent for a second about how truly yucky ocd makes me feel
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my back hurts so so so bad does anyone have a spare $10k lying around i wont pay you back
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my tits are not working w this shirt im gonna kms
#*fizzyspeaks#which one of my mutuals wants to do my top surgery#I NEED TO GET A BINDER#i want to wear my twilight tshirt but the breasts are breasting#the front isnt so bad but i turned to the side and got a real shock#JUMP SCARE
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i’m losing my fucking mind. it’s so disgustingly foul today everyone who says summer is their favourite should kill themselves
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🏫🍃🌥️
#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff#hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o#istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this#so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours#then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic.#and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19....#i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much#she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet#i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do???#ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me??#i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo#then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks#and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts#ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life#but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today#just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol)#i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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Wait I've got another headcanon for you
Miguel used to be rather embarrassed about his top surgery scars because any mention of his own queerness usually brings on an onslaught of invasive questions, but when Peter and Hobie see them, they tell him how cool they look.
He's really bad at not blushing over it.
#miguel o'hara headcanons#Miguel O'Hara#Peter B Parker#Hobie Brown#ATSV#Marvel#Trans rights#trans men#top surgery#Trans!Miguel O'Hara#I need to write a fanfiction where someone where someone very lovingly touches his scars#Maybe it's because I want some of my own real bad but I'm so attracted to/think top surgery scars are beautiful
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omw to go grab my new id :J (happy but also. means that i'm getting back to paperwork i couldn't do before AND IT'S HEEEELL I HATE IT HERE i can't wait to be done)
#i'll try to send the gender mention thing this month#why can't this be at the city hall too.. i need to send this to the judicial court. this is so dumb france sucks ass so bad#MIGHT. get cheaper top surgery tho because it'll be considered as gynecomastia bc. written M instead of F i#*on my ID 👍#i want to geT THIS OVER WITH SOOOOOON
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