#but I think it would make me want to rip my hair out
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
hard to sleep — c.s ⋅˚₊‧ 𝜗𝜚 ‧₊˚ ⋅
in which . . . you and chris can’t seem to fall asleep after you both argue.
warnings . . . resolved angst, arguing, yelling, crying.
written by @delilahsturniolo. do not copy, steal, or modify any of my works. do not take inspiration without permission or credits. happy reading! :)
tonight had been a total mess, there was no doubt about it. you and chris never argued, but when you did it usually was dumb and small, you’d usually laugh it off with him and apologize. however, this time was different. it was more…intense. you hadn’t meant to get into a screaming match with your boyfriend, it just happened.
chris had never yelled at you before, it was an odd situation for you to be in. all of this was happening out of anger, and stress from the day. deep down, you knew he didn’t mean anything he was saying, but it still hurt like a knife twisting cruelly in your heart, slowly ripping all the life and emotion away from you as you stood there.
“I can’t believe you!” chris scoffed, running his hand through his hair in frustration as you leaned against the kitchen counter.
“what can’t you believe, chris? you barely even spend time with me anymore!” you matched his frustrated tone, your voice rising.
your comment seemed to hit him harder than you thought it would. “is that what this is about? you think i don’t care about you? you’re fuckin’ wrong, you need to grow up and realize i have a job that requires me to be away!” chris spoke in anger, his fists clenched by his sides.
“you aren’t listening to me! i wake up and you’re gone, i go to sleep without you next to me because you’re always working! and when you’re home you don’t fucking acknowledge me!” you yelled.
chris quickly lost his patience with you. “stop it, just stop it. while you’re over here actin’ like a spoiled brat, i’m working my ass off and trying to make you happy! you sit around this house all day and complain!” you bit your lip, your heart sinking at his words. nothing felt real, absolutely nothing.
the corner’s of your eyes were quick to fill with tears, chris’s gaze softened as he looked into your hurt eyes. you sniffled, wiping your tears with your sleeve in aggression.
“fine then! i’ll get out of your way.” you replied in frustration, walking away before chris could even stop you. you were done, you just wanted to end the day, you wanted all of this to just be over.
chris sighed softly, his breaths coming out shaky as he watched you run upstairs before you could break down in front of him. he felt horrible, especially because he was seeing the woman he loved most cry. but he couldn’t talk to you right now, he had to let his anger boil over.
about an hour had passed since you and chris argued. you were laying in bed, the lamp on your side table casting a warm and dim light into the room. the house was silent, you weren’t sure what chris was doing at the moment. you laid on your side, your head buried into your tear soaked blanket as your soft sniffles were muffled.
the silence after an argument was always the worst, considering the fact that you had fought with the man you loved most. you let out a soft sob into your pillow, your thoughts racing through your mind rapidly.
suddenly, the door to the room opened. chris walked in, not even batting you an eye. you watched as he stumbled over to his closet in exhaustion, changing into a plain white shirt and blue plaid pajama pants.
chris shut off the lamp on the side table, climbing in bed next to you while still creating a small gap of distance between the both of you, as he was still slightly frustrated, but not as much as before. you could feel the tension between the two of you in the atmosphere of the room, it took everything in you not to break the silence.
chris laid with his back facing you, his breaths were heavy as his body was completely still. you stared up at the ceiling, tossing and turning with restlessness. you couldn’t sleep at all, especially knowing that chris was angry with you.
chris laid awake, although he refused to face you. he listened to your restless tossing and turning on the bed, and your frustrated grunts. he was in the same boat, he couldn’t shut his eyes and rest without thinking of the overwhelming amount of guilt he felt from earlier. he knew you both couldn’t go to bed angry with each other, it wasn’t right.
chris sighed softly, turning over on the bed to look at you through the dark room. “baby?” he called out for you, his voice as gentle as ever, contrast to his anger earlier. you tensed up as you could feel his eyes on you as he waited for an answer.
“y-yeah?” you answered, your voice barely above a whisper. chris gently touched your arm, slowly beginning to turn you over so he could get a proper look at you.
the both of you locked eyes, chris felt his heart sink by just looking at the guilt and regret in your eyes, the same eyes that had such a bright and contagious spark inside of them, were now dull and sad.
“you okay?” he asked, his hand coming up to your face, brushing a strand of hair out of your eyes. you nodded, leaning into his touch, you felt a sense of comfort knowing that he still loved and cared about you despite everything.
“i’m sorry sweetheart, i’m so sorry. i shouldn’t have yelled at you. i shouldn’t have said all those mean things, you didn’t deserve that.” chris apologized, your heart felt warm as you listened to what he had to say.
“i’m sorry too, chris. i know you care about me, and i appreciate you for that, i’m sorry for doubting you and raising my voice at you.” you spoke, chris gently wiped your stray tears, leaning into you and pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.
“it’s okay, love. i just want you to talk to me about these things instead of keeping it to yourself, okay? i’m here for you, i want to know how you’re feeling. i can’t help you if i don’t know what’s going on.” chris explained to you.
“i promise, i’ll try to communicate with you more.” you agreed, a smile formed on chris’s face as you guys were now on the same page.
“and i promise i’ll try to make more time for you, and listen to you.” chris added on, you nodded. chris gently wrapped his arms around you securely, you buried your head into his chest, holding onto him tightly, as if he’d disappear if you let go. chris looked down at you as you began to slowly drift off in his arms. he whispered a small “i love you” before covering the both of you with the blanket and falling asleep himself, feeling reassured that you were safe in his arms.
it wasn’t so hard to sleep when you were in his arms.
© delilahsturniolo do not copy, re use, or modify any of my works.
taglist
#sturniolo triplets#the sturniolo triplets#sturniolo triplets angst#chris sturniolo angst#chris sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo imagine#chris sturniolo x reader#chris x y/n#chris x reader#sturniolo angst#angst#christopher sturniolo#sturniolo x you#sturniolo#sturniolo triplets fanfic#sturniolo fandom#fanfic#sturniolo imagine#sturniolo triplets x reader#sturniolo triplets x you
269 notes
·
View notes
Note
"can i wrap a fruit roll up on it?" with percy jackson
(its ok if you cant i js thought its super silly 😽😽)
HELPHELPHELP I LOVE THIS
——— ౨ৎ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
“want a piece?”
you hold out a small portion of your long fruit roll up. percy shrugs and takes it from your hold, eating it quickly.
you let your feet idly kick behind you, taking small portions from the candy one by one and popping them into your mouth. and you were a little too silent for percy’s liking— you were never this content unless you were up to something no good.
“are you gonna strangle me with that roll up?”
you furrow your brows. “I would never do such an awful thing. also the orange prison jumpsuits clash with my hair.”
“you told me that before,” he points out.
“I’m glad you listen when I talk.” you eat another piece, eyes averting back to your busy hands.
it’s quiet for another moment before you speak again. “perseus?”
“sweet girl.”
you bite your lip to stifle your giggles, calming yourself to speak. you let your chin rest on the palm of your hand. “can I wrap a fruit roll up on it?”
he opens his mouth for a split second, attempting to find the correct response to your nonsense statement. he closes it quickly, then reopens it again. “what?!”
“I can even eat it off if you’re into that.” your face remains stoic and serious. though the majority of your statements are serious.
“no! you’re not doing that, what if it gets stuck?”
you think for a moment. “then I’ll amputate it.”
“no! no, you’re not. get your fruit roll up away from my genitals!” quickly, he backs himself towards the headboard of the bed nearly afraid of you.
“percy, pleaseee,” you whine, rolling onto your back, pouting. “I will never live to experience the unreal joy of wrapping your genitals with my fruit roll up… and eating it off.” you sigh wearily.
he does not give into your advances.
“I’d let you lick whipped cream off my tits.”
he doesn’t respond. for one because you know that he would do that— and if you’re right that means he’ll never hear the end of it for as long as he lives.
“pleaseeeee?”
“no. let’s change the subject. I really liked those cookies you baked the other day, will you make more?”
“only you would talk about food in such a difficult time such as this.”
percy rolls his eyes. “give me that fruit roll up.”
he rips it from your hands, shoving the entire roll into his mouth. your mouth hands open.
“that was my fruit roll up!”
he only shrugs. you suppose in a way that says ‘mine now, too bad.’
and after this fiasco, you were no longer allowed to eat fruit roll ups or whipped cream.
#xoxochb#percy jackon and the olympians#pjo series#percy jackson#pjo fandom#pjo#percy series#percy jackson x reader#percy jackson x y/n#percy jackson x you#riordanverse x reader#riordanverse#riordan universe
196 notes
·
View notes
Note
Can you please do this „I just want to be someones first choice“ with ves x reader but ves says this? Ik it‘ll destroy me but I live for pain.
ALSO happy ending please (PLEASE) 😭
First choice
It was so hard for him to genuinely trust again. Every time things were going well Vessel still heard sirens from previous relationships that had ended in disaster. But that didn’t stop him from longing. And longing he did. Constantly catching himself wanting more but just as quickly killing the flame blazing.
But he saw it. Saw it in the smallest of things. Your eyes when you looked at him. Vessel was sure there was so much more there. More than when you looked at others. In your smile. The exciting clapping as you waited for them to get off the stage. The way you would squeeze his hand. Both in a reassuring manner and excitement. Vessel craved these moments. Craved the comfort and ease it brought him. But it terrified him too. More than anything. Because he knew that he had failed to keep his guard up.
“Your tea and I know you said no biscuits but… I still stole some”, you chuckled as you walked into the back room where Vessel had been sitting hiding the whole day. “Your favorite”, you wiggled the packet, before settling it in front of him. Your smile fell once his face didn’t change. “Hey, you haven’t been yourself”, softly reaching out you placed your hand on his shoulder. “Could you close the door”, his voice was so quiet, ripping your heart to shreds as you quickly stood up moving to do just what he had asked you to. “You can tell me”, you reassured him, “I’m good with holding secrets. iii has opened a confessional with me”, You chuckled hoping to lighten the mood but failing miserably once more. “It… you’ll think that I’m insane”, Vessel sighed shaking his head.
“Vess, you could tell me that you have a body there and I wouldn’t ask a question, just go looking for a shovel”, you pointed out, “Nothing you tell me will make me think any different of you”. He turned to you then, his blue eyes piercing you. “Why… why are you like this with me?”, he asked softly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”, you frowned, “You’ve shown me nothing but love and care. The least I could do is meet you with the same amount of affection”, you shrugged, “Plus, you’re special. I’ve told you that before”.
There was always this unspoken softness between you two. It felt like love in silence. From him holding the door open for you. Or making sure that you crossed the road safely. To you always making sure that he always had everything he needed before the show. Or never failing to check on him throughout the day. “You make my head go silent”, he muttered, “It sounds insane but… there are so many things there and you just make it go away”, Vessel lets his head hang down with a sigh. “That makes me happy”, you mutter pushing your finger beneath his chin, “I feel safe with you too”, you smile down at him.
“I want to be someone’s first choice but I’m bad at these things”, he admits and you can hear that raw pain there. All of it. “You are. Have been my number one for a while”, you admitted feeling your heart skip a beat as you watched realization slowly sinking in. “I didn’t want to come at you full force, I know that you’ve been hurt before and…”, “You genuinely want this”, Vessel pointed at himself in disbelief. “Why did you say it like that?”, you frowned, “I want you, the way that you are. All parts of you are beautiful, Vess”, you cupped his face and looked at him. He nodded slowly. “Can you just… hold me for a bit?”, he asked as if embarrassed. “Anything you want, darling”, you brushed your finger over his cheek before stepping closer. His arms instantly wrapped around his torso as he pressed his face into your stomach. Breathing you in. Grounding himself as you softly plaid with his hair just letting him be.
#sleep token imagine#sleep token x you#sleep token x reader#sleep token fanfiction#sleep token vessel imagine#sleep token vessel x you#sleep token vessel x reader#sleep token vessel fanfiction
65 notes
·
View notes
Text
tw: angst, self-harm, suicide attempts, death.
REGULUS BLACK
Regulus is heartbroken when James and Lily starts dating.
He doesn't realise why.
And then Remus is talking about Sirius, and saying similar things to what's in his head. "He makes me feel loved, and safe, and wanted. The way he laughs, the way he talks. That's why I love him." And that's when Regulus realises. Oh shit, maybe I love him. The way he smiles, the way he laughs, the way James is the sun to his sky.
James is oblivious for a while.
But then Lily realises she doesn't love James the way she feels like she should.
James and Lily break up, stay friends, and James realises he loves Regulus. The way he smiles, when James gets his attention, or he reads a book that he loves. The quietness. The way he bursts out with his opinions if he feels strongly about something. Regulus finally loving the person who he wants to, openly.
They go up to the Astronomy tower each Sunday, just talking. Each Sunday turns into twice a week. Twice a week into every other day. Every other day into every day. And they're so happy. And Sirius is all "You're dating my baby brother!" and "Brotherfucker." and "Ugh.", but inside he's so happy to see Regulus loving someone openly and fully. And Remus supports the both of them, and so does Peter, and Lily, and Dorcas, and Marlene.
Then Walburga and Orion make Regulus get the Dark Mark.
He's screaming, crying, begging them not to. "Please Mom, please Dad, I can't lose this." Throwing himself in front of them, trying to run away.
Him eventually realising: It doesn't work.
So he gets the Mark. Stays silent as the needle punctures his flesh over and over again.
And then runs to Hogwarts.
Regulus sobbing in the common room of Slytherin, arm swollen and bleeding as he tries to rip the ink out of his skin with his nails, held by an equally sad Evan and Barty.
Sobbing because he's going to lose his brother again, going to lose his friends, his boyfriend, because of ink that he didn't want.
Him trying to grab a knife, scissors. Evan and Barty have to restrain him and watch him constantly, making sure he doesn't carve out flesh from his bones.
So the Dark Mark is permanent.
And Regulus would rather see his boyfriend, the love of his life, not know him, rather than see James hate him for what he didn't want to become.
So he goes to the Astronomy tower after having ignored James for weeks. James didn't know why.
And he tells him. "I got the Mark." And shows him his arm.
And James' eyes widen.
And then - "Wait Reg-"
Regulus sobbing out one word, doubled over in pain, wishing he could go to James. One word.
"Obliviate."
And Regulus erases all of James' memories of him, he's powerful and precise enough to.
And James leaves the tower, confused as to why he went up there in the first place.
And Regulus is sobbing, tears running down his face, hair messed up, clutching at the railing of the tower, wishing he could get the mark away, would do anything. Anything to ease the pain.
He climbs onto the rail. Decides life isn't really worth living anymore, not without his sun. Evan and Barty see him, and run for him, and barely manage to catch him in time.
He makes three more attempts before realising he can't.
So he runs.
Runs so he doesn't have to see that James and Lily get back together, happy and oblivious. Lily's confused as to what happened to Regulus. Regulus who disappeared. Runs so he doesn't have to face Sirius, his disappointment and anger. Runs so Remus can't find him, his kind words and gentleness would make him unravel. Runs so none of his friends can follow. Barty and Evan search for a long time. But they never find him.
James is 18 when Regulus leaves. He's 17. Regulus dies the same year. Trying to make a difference. Regretting that he didn't earlier.
And as he lies on the cold hard ground of the island, Kreacher beside him, holding his stomach in pain from the liquid, but the Horcrux destroyed, he thinks. Of James. Of his smile. Of his laugh. Of his kisses. The way he lit up Regulus' world, because he was the sun to Regulus' sky, because Regulus needed James to be bright.
And he thinks. I'm sorry. He's left a note.
But he doesn't expect James to find it. Ever.
Regulus is 17 when he dies.
And he wishes that he had longer.
But even the brightest stars all fade.
thanks to @sweetmelodygraphics for the dividers!! Her work is amazing, please go check it out.
@into-the-jeggyverse @noblehouseofgay @my-castles-crumbling @reggie-the-starboy @ultravioletbrit @strawberrystainedfingertips7 @caiiius @iamgayforyourmom1510 @wh0re-for-w0lfstar
#dead gay wizards from the 70s#all the young dudes#regulus black#regulus deserved better#james x regulus#moonwater#platonic moonwater#jegulus#starchaser#sunseeker#wolfstar#marauders#angst#oneshot#jegulus microfic
59 notes
·
View notes
Text
Called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday and we spent an hour discussing what I was doing with my life 😭
#my uncle wants me to go get a PhD in quant or finance or information systems and then become a professor#OR#be a lawyer or a dentist#the PhD thing was very specifically catered when I was like 👉🏽👈🏽 I wanna teach#none of those things sound all that appealing..#space law Has Potential#but I think it would make me want to rip my hair out#they were both like. you have two years but then figure your life out by then#and then they were like. what is ur cousin doing. has he proposed yet#and I was like ??? it hasn’t even bee n a year?? I think they’re going to Japan#and oopsies apparently he had not told them they were going to Japan#my bad#after I. very reasonably said it makes sense to wait 2-3 years#he went ‘what is there going to be left to talk about then. life is all downhill from there. might as well get married now’#and. I’ve never ever ever heard that from a human being before#WHAT DO U MEAN YOULL RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT#I could never#anyways love having my existential crises exacerbated by familial interactions#they just Say Things#I need to study. I’m gonna go do that maybe#actually no I want to complain more. my uncle keeps saying that the problem with space is that there’s only a few cities that work on it.#and that’s gonna limit my choice of partner#(so funny how they say partner. they are very homophobic and have no idea or they’d go THE MAN YOU MARRY like my mother does)#I feel like space is growing…#altho I’m sure that’s what people thought in the 60s and 70s and 80s and 90s#idk some of these bitches have been around since like the 70s and 80s and 90s#so it’s not like they all got fired immediately#my dental hygienist was telling me space was great until Obama slashed the budget#I didn’t have anything to say back considering I was 8 when he was elected and know v little about his policies#anyways. this is a psa to not call ur relatives even to wish them happy bday because then they’ll trap u in conversation and make u question
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think my copy of the game is broken they've been doing this for 30 minutes
Crop of the Biolizard edit I did bc it makes me laugh:
#art#sonic the hedgehog#sonic#shadow the hedgehog#rouge the bat#their dynamic is so funny to me like hello what episode of Untucked is this#I am rotating them in a 2 bed 1 bath apartment in my mind#Also very proud of how this turned out I think I'm finally finding a comic rendering style that doesn't make me want to rip my hair out#Simplify baybee it's a comic not an illustration you can get a little crazy with it#Spoiler alert. Getting looser with lineart and better at colour schemes and simplifying shading. Is good actually.#It's so much easier to eyeball what a colour would look like in a setting instead of colourpicking the OG palette and struggling with...#...like 9 overlay and multiply and soft/hard light layers#Approximating colour genuinely looks better than forcing local colour into the piece. As long as the values are still there it works out#comic
5K notes
·
View notes
Text
controversial take here but i really hope hetty is on her absolute worst nastygirl/comedic clown behavior in s4 to push back against the poor little meow meow woobification curse shes been experiencing since holes because i am tired
#i almost wish hiles never happened because nobody understands her character anymore lol#few things worse than when your blorbo becomes the character everyone self inserts themselves onto 💔#whenever i get too mad i remind myself that rebecca wisocky views her exactly the same way i do and then i feel better :)#watching an incredibly nuanced female character get flattened out intonthe tragic one who killed herself makes me wanna scream#bc nobody even understands WHY she killed herself and i am ripping my hair out#z#ppl r allowed to interpret the character different from me but i am allowed to think they’re wrong <3#oh no i wrote this at 6am thinking nobody would see it LMAO this is just a personal gripe#obviously people can do whatever they want and i will not stop you or directly argue#play with your dolls however you want and dont let me being a bitch stop you#i just am allowed to be grumpy about it similtaneously 😂
72 notes
·
View notes
Text
idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.
the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.
yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.
but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?
this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.
yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.
i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.
so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.
because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.
he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.
but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.
yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.
#UGH. sick of this stupid show (<- pathologically obsessed with it (it's just on a downturn rn))#anyway hi welcome back to my terrible mind here's another excruciatingly long yyh meta post no one's gonna read that i should just make a#video essay because nobody wants to squint through all that text but MAYBE they'd listen to me read it out. anyway#i actually made and then abandoned another post comparing yusuke's sacrifice here to genkai's death by toguro if anyone's interested in tha#anyway yeah sorry if im rusty in uh talkking about these guys. they're still rattling around in here dw#that comment just fucking hijacked my brain. my first thought was to make an ep 89 yusuke pov fic but since that's Probably not#gonna ever Actually get done (sorry) i figured i'd put the analysis behind it here bc this fucking choice makes me want to rip my hair out#(in a good way in a painful way)#yeah this gets derailed. ugh i hope all that stuff about yusuke's motivation in this gambit makes sense bc i still don't feel 100% about my#reading of it. his ass IS very much an unreliable narrator. but in what way? ehhhhh it's hard to say for sure in this case. to me.#yyh#yu yu hakusho#yyh meta#yayyy#yusuke urameshi#literally wrote for so long the sun started rising (<- not impressive since you don't know when i began writing. but i can't tell you bc i#don't remember lol)#also: his relinquishing of this fight is very interesting to me. he loses his shit when raizen kills sensui and deprives him of that victor#and he tells the others to stand down once he returns. so clearly he still Cares about beating sensui himself#but when he thinks there's no other choice he's willing to settle for passing that torch to his friends#he's like well they've earned a good revenge killing. as a treat#the real answer is probably something like 'it would fuck with the pacing' but fuck that lol it's in the show i'm going to talk about it#and a lot of this still applies even if he Can't hear them bc he Has to expect the begging and crying bc 1. he's lived it via toguro 2. his#plan depends on it. even if he's only imagining his friends' heartbreak he's choosing to ignore it for the sake of his plan#ANYWAY the real answer for. pretty much everyone is to give up fighting and find something healthier to attach their worth to#which is why kuwa not being in the final arc is a good thing (as much as it hurts me not to see my boy)#yyh really said YOU HAVE TO BECOME WELL ADJUSTED. DYING WILL NOT GET YOU OUT OF IT#i only skimmed thru this once sorry if it's ass
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Some au antag doodles
#keese draws#eternal gales#decided to finally try my hand at drawing au fydd#and decided to also draw the two I’ve already designed#I kinda chickened out hard with this au fydd design but that’s mostly because I don’t know how I’d go about implementing the big thing I cut#I wanted to include a nod at my old tazian (the species I recycled for fydd) worldbuilding by giving him some rainbow ‘hair’#but I definitely am not capable of drawing my vision well enough for my standards rn so maybe one day I’ll go for it but not rn#but long story short in the original version of the species those who were more middling height would have strands of or even entirely#rainbow hair which was like 90% me bullshitting but I have thought of a retroactive excuse#long story short most tazians would either be super tiny or like stupid tall and more middling height ones were rare#but one thing I realized lately is that all my tall ones had white hair and all my short ones had black hair#so the retroactive excuse is that the rainbow is a transitional period that usually indicates young age but can sometimes be permanent if#they don’t end up becoming properly tall#and I wanted to nod at that concept with au fydd since he’s 15 and is what would be considered pretty middling height#but that would mean figuring out how I’d wanna go about coloring that and that would make me lose it#for context fydd’s hair is supposed to be a smidge feathery#and also I like to keep my characters having somewhat manageable color pallets#not that I’m particularly good at that but I try#oh also second biggest failure of this drawing I made it so I couldn’t draw his other eye rip#he’s missing his other eye due to basically completely destroying it in the process of blowing up his original universe#the other two aren’t missing any major design elements that I can think fo fortunately#these three are all favorites of mine amongst the au antags they’re so silly#and by that I mean one of them is a grown ass adult torturing teenagers and the other two are heavily traumatized teenagers that are#helping said grown ass adult torture teenagers#well only one of them is properly helping owl is just here to meet her crush#she genuinely did not think the others would get as far and go as hard as they did#au fydd was the first member of the squad au bloom recruited and he is easily the most loyal to her#he’s also the only one au bloom even mildly gives an actual shit abt#au fydd went through a Lot in his original universe and is very ‘let’s burn it all down’ with his approach to helping#owl also went through a lot but she came out the other end just desperately wanting to stop fighting
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#ok. this is the fucking bullshit thing abt grad school. u go to fucking grad school bc u r a fucking tryhard nerd freak#who is either naturally very smart or ur so fucking anxious u r incapable of allowing urself to get a bad grad#and then u go to fucking grad school and everyone's like: man fuck ur classes. if youre getting streight As then u aren't focusing on ur#research. and theyre right. but u still cant fucking let go of the idea that if u get a bad grad the world is gonna fucking end and u r a#bad person. u didnt try hard enough. all this to say i have a final project that i put way too much energy into and not even in a good way#i would just open the document. start sobbing. and then close it and spiral abt how i didn't want to work on it. so its bullshit#i mean. its a good project idea ans i probably sound like i kno wtf im talking abt bc i do. i worked on that topic for 4 years but like#i could make it wayyyyy better. its bullshit. i didnt even number the citations to give more page space. i made section headers. i didnt#wrap text. i could add like 4 more lines of text if i wanted but i think im not gotta bc fuck it. ugh. i dont even. i fucking avoide#stochastic stuff altogether which i kno im gonna have to fight abt but like fuck it who cares abt randomness. i just wanna focus on the#predictably aspect of community composition. fuck u. i shouldnt have picked this topic. i mean. i had to bc its like the one microbe thing#i could do but its also like the exact topic that makes me wanna rip my hair out and start screaming. like jesus christ who tf cares? ugh.#i think id give myself a B if it was an undergrad class. but the standard is higher in an all grad class. ugh. i hate this. i should just#send it abd be done. i dont even kno when its due tomorrow. before class i guess. idk i felt like garbage today. fucking vertigo bby. i feel#ok now tho. so maybe the allergic reacting is over???? fingers r still arthritisy tho. jesus. im falling apart#ive got a pretty good sounding excuse for being lazy tho: owo i had an allergic reaction to my antidepressants 🥳 but nah no excuses we run#this body into the ground. like the good old days.#unrelated
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Alhaitham as a character is great I love how he’s a prick and “as a matter of fact ☝️” and ignores people he doesn’t want to talk to. Absolutely sensational and amazing. But if I met him in real life, as someone in STEM who has to deal with enough men who think they’re better, I would pummel him.
#sorry alhaitham lovers#I think he’s great tho#as a character only#his personality would make me want to rip my hair out#it’s funny as long as it’s not me 😌#genshin impact#alhaitham#also I think it’s fascinating that mihoyo made him in the haravatat darshan which is basically linguistics when the person he’s based on#did research on optometry and was the basis of the scientific method#but I guess that also fits his matter of fact ☝️ personality#I wonder why they decided to make him a linguistics guy I wonder what the direction for that was#I keep calling hoyo mohoyo out of habit oops
52 notes
·
View notes
Text
i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I NEED A FUCKING HOBBY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#🦈#first thing that comes to mind is crochet which i actually have stuff for crochet HOWEVER. i hate the feeling of knitwear#🫥#like i would be able to do it obvs but making stuff for myself would be a nightmare.#i wanna customise some of my clothes but im ACTUALLY a pussy and i dont wanna ruin them#i got back into reading which slays but the Pull Of The Phone is sm stronger#so i think i need smth like Actively hands on#i want to paint but my tablets are kinda fucking me right in the creativity muscle rn but i kkinda need them to function so#WHAT I ACTUALLY NEED TO DO IS MESSAGE THE GUY ABOUT BASS GUITAR LESSONS#i bought a bass when i bought my car (TWO YEARS AGO) and i havent learned to play.#anyway. kms attacking myself ripping my hair out#i need to figure smth out bc like 10+ years on the computer is sickening
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#im not vagueing anyone specific so if u think this is abt you don't get your underwear twisted okay this is about like. so many ppl.#but it's so fucking frustrating seeing people i know (friends/family/coworkers/etc) going thru so much mental health struggle#often accompanied by physical health issues like weight/skin/pain problems#and knowing their diet is absolutely dogtrash#and trying to come up with a way to tell them that is nice but will maybe get them to think or change their ways#i know i know. you can lead a horse to water and all but it's just fucking agonizing knowing that people are suffering so needlessly#and it would go away if they just put the right food in their bodies#and no this isn't even an injunction to carnivore you can recover significantly with meat-heavy noncarnivore ketogenic diets#but people are so resistant to the idea that they can eat their way out of mental illness even though this is well documented#it just makes me want to rip my hair out that people would really rather stay the same than try something that could make them better#like i really can't fucking relate the whole reason i ended up a carnivore is because i was so *desperate* to be healthy#and trying something for a month just to see sounds so much better than letting everything get worse until i'm literally dying#but then i see so many sick people with garbage diets just completely resist the suggestion that the solution could possibly be so simple#like what more can i do for you? i dont want you to be sick. YOU dont want you to be sick. what do you lose from just trying??#ugh i cant. im so. i know this is going to be my career path but god fucking damn if it isn't infuriating
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ragnvaldr is somehow one of the most chad characters ever in video game history and he’s from the biggest psychological torture tool masquerading as a video game.
#his s ending… kills everything. leaves. unbothered. ready to kill more things.#obsessed with f&h but I’m not fucking playing that I think it would make me legitimately rip all of my hair out one by one#and I can’t play termina. (baby crying autotuned) dev said they’d work on mac port but it’s difficult w new th os. which is understandable.#love and light to the dev but they’re insane and wanted to drive other ppl insane with the og game I think#wait nas’hrah counts too he also fucking rules
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
My mother really out here telling me “you just make all the plans for driving and I’ll work around that” and then a couple days later once I’ve made plans and talked to people about shit she’s like hey actually you should come up a day earlier so you can get your grandparents (who are practically falling apart mentally and physically and my grandfather pisses himself and if he pees in the car that I am both sleeping and driving in I will be upset!!!) in the middle of Maine and drive them to New Hampshire for me bc I will be too tired from getting a three hour flight to go drive them :’( AS IF IM NOT DRIVING SIX HOURS OR MORE EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK HELLO??? YOU CANT DRIVE FIVE HOURS AFTER SLEEPING THE WHOLE TIME ON A THREE HOUR FLIGHT LIKE I KNOW ITS CRAMPED AND MISERABLE BUT YOU’RE GOING TO GO FROM A PLANE TO A NICE RENTAL CAR VS ME SLEEPING IN THE FUCKING TRUNK FOR A WEEK LIKE GIRL WHAT YOU ALREADY TOLD ME TO PLAN EVERYTHING AND NOW YOU’RE MOVING SHIT AROUND AND SHES ALL LIKE “well your aunt is gonna be visiting on the 11th so I have to get a flight on the 12th and then graduation is on the 13th early in the morning so I just won’t have time to go get them” LIKE GIRL THIS IS THE SAME AUNT THAT IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE FOR ONE SINGULAR DAY AND THEN WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHILE WE ARE ON OUR TRIP LIKE YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME “oh don’t worry about missing her we’re gonna do the graduation party at her house when we’re up north” AND THEN YOU WONT SHIFT YOUR PLANS ONE DAY TO FIX ALL OF THE SCHEDULING CONFLICTS BUT YOU WANT ME TO TWEAK A WHOLE WEEK OF DRIVING PLANS BACK A DAY TO MAKE IT MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU and also I simply don’t want to. Also the garbage truck just passed bc I slept in and I don’t think we got the garbage out and I know we definitely didn’t get the trash from my room or bathroom out of the house and so now moms gonna be pissed at me for that god fuck this is so infuriating I am not planning a trip while on my period ever again I want to bite my mothers head off for even suggesting an alternate plan what is wrong with me I am such a bitch what the fuck no wonder she fucking hates me okay I am going back to bed she can figure this shit out later when she’s not slamming doors and yelling about work
#I want to rip my hair out#why does she say yeah we can work around whatever plans you make and then immediately she’s like oh haha nevermind#and I know I’m overreacting I know I’m being a bitch and I should fold to my mothers needs or whatever but like simply put I don’t want to#deal with my grandparents (if they were dwarves in Snow White they would be called Naggy and Pissy) and I don’t want to deal with their huge#looming sense of dread bc they both know they are old and losing it and that their kids are dead and we are the only family they care about#and I was already nervous about spending any time with them at graduation and now my mom wants me alone in a car with them for HOURS#like I simply don’t want to and I don’t want to think about dad and I don’t want to think about them and I don’t want to drive the extra#hours or anything like ugh I just don’t want to. I want to get high on Millie’s couch and have a relaxing day after driving that much on the#way up and I want to only have to drive three hours to my brother and I want ti already be there for graduation that morning I don’t want to#go any earlier or later than I had planned bc I planned distances by how much driving I thought I could take at a time and If I add an extra#day of driving I will be exhausted and add emotional exhaustion to that from seeing family and add fucking bitchy mood and being judged on#my music or my driving or being asked about what I plan to do with my life or what have I been doing since dad died or are you okay? is your#mother struggling? (and not being able to talk about my mom going out and dating and getting laid and ignoring my dead father and their dead#son bc it’s the only way she’s coping with any of this anymore)#I just don’t want to. and I hope my mother will step up and change her shit to deal with them but if they don’t I’ll have to deal with it#and just get over it but fuck I really really really don’t want to#it just annoys me that my mother would rather move all of my plans back a day than not see my aunt for what six hours here when we’re#literally going to see her up north like five days later#like can’t you just wait to see her. like she has seen the house before. she knows what a screened in patio looks like. they’ve seen the car#before like they will know if they want the car or not before they see it they know the model and they know it’s sat in our driveway for#months and months like they are aware of the car so you don’t need to say that’s the big important reason for them to visit#I’m such an asshole what the fuck is wrong with me I’m really unwilling to have any changes made to my plans#my brother would fucking bend over backwards and do whatever my mother asks and she is so mad that I’m not like that and I should be why am#I not like that why don’t I do all the shit she does for me why am I such a bitch what is wrong with me#I am already exhausted today I only slept for four hours#I just want to skip to me being on the road already. need to smoke a cigarette at a truck stop out of state it will fix me honestly
6 notes
·
View notes