#another day of wishing i wasn't the one that has to save myself

[inniave]

they need to invent a therapy that isn't actively harmful

[dunmeshistash]

G'day, I hope you are doing well.

Ever since I finished the story of Dungeon Meshi (all supplementary material included) I've been writing down bullet points on characters in addition to in-depth synopses as a way to tidy up my rather busy mind. To this end I've also greatly enjoyed reading other folks' interpretations of particular characters, as it gives me further insight into aspects of that character I may have glossed over.

However, there's one character I'm struggling to write a cohesive synopsis about, that being none other than 'miss enigma' herself, Falin Touden. I get that her whole shtick is that she's kind of a mystery, but I find myself drawing a lot of blanks when it comes to her as a character, and while I have nailed down some important bullet points, there are a lot of different interpretations on her, all of which starkly contrast one another. Though perhaps it's just the wording. Hard to say.

It could very well be that I'm being too dense i.e. perceiving "Falin is willing to risk killing others to save her friends." and "Falin, in the heat of the moment, when faced with certain death, was willing to face the prospect of harming potential passersby in a final Hail Mary to get her friends to safety." as entirely different observations. I have a hard time with those kinds of things.

With this being a hub for all sorts of observations, interpretations and cool trivia, I was wondering if you'd perhaps be willing to share how you yourself perceive Falin as a character, so I can compare notes and perhaps gain a more proper understanding of her as a character as a result. I know this question is very broad and kind of vague, but if you could spare the time I'd be most grateful.

Other than that, I wish you an excellent day.

Hello!!! I love Falin!!!!!

She *is* a mystery, we mostly know Falin through the perception other characters have of her instead of a direct deep look onto who she is, which I find very interesting. I think the best post I've seen about her (which as usual I can't remember where edit: someone linked it thank uu) I think called her perceived altruism/love "selfish" and I've been thinking about that ever since.

In that sense the way she cares so much about the comfort of people around her might be a way to keep *her own* comfort because she doesn't want to see other people suffer.

This girly died and came back to life from bones and the first thoughts she has is that she caused trouble for her loved ones

She probably has felt this way since she was a child, "because of her" that her family was torn apart "because of her" that Laios left, her mom was sick, her father had to send her away. (wasn't actually her fault but she might think it is)

I imagine ever since then Falin has done her best to not cause trouble and to make the people she loves happy, everything we know about her and the things she was doing was always for the people she loved, that's why I enjoy the post canon comic where Toshiro asks her hand in marriage again so much. The first time she considers accepting just because "might as well" while for the second time she finally wants to live for herself.

I think Falin herself has lost who she "really is" by trying to accommodate everyone around her and that's probably part of why we ourselves don't really know her, so much so that the most cynical character is uncomfortable around her (probably cause he notices Falin is "hiding" something)

I think Falin is quite the melancholic character to be honest, someone who has lost herself in self sacrifice and who is only now learning how to live for herself doing what she wants.

Both the teleportation scene and the bit about healing show "cracks" in the selfless front she puts out tbh. By context I don't think what she did was only due to "desperation of the moment" she says out loud "Even if I end up hurting others I want you and my brother to live on". She weighted out how much suffering she might cause and decided she wanted to save them anyway, and I'm sure in that calculation she knew that they would suffer because of her sacrifice too.

Falin is saving them for herself, I'm not great with words so this is all over the place and maybe sounds a little negative about Falin but the thing is, you cannot live your life for other people, you can't sacrifice yourself for other people's happiness, you shouldn't erase your own presence so others are happier and I think Falin is starting to learn that by the end.

I'd probably keep rambling without getting anywhere and missing a lot of more meaningful moments but I'll stop here, if anyone has recs for Falin analysis please share!

[httpiastri]

hiii! i would like a ❣️ but with voicemails from the drivers hinting that they like you? we have mostly the same favorite drivers so just write for whoever you think would be good 😌

❣️ – send me a prompt and one/a few drivers and i'll tell you how i think they would react!!

(featuring: lando, charles, alex, oscar, ollie, paul, arthur, pepe and clem)

lando norris

"i think you should come visit me in monaco more. you know that the bed in my guest room is always made for you. and i put on those sheets i know you like, and i have those fragrance sticks with the rose scent, you said you liked them last time you visited me. well, i mean, my room and my bed is always ready for you, too. and i'll be in it, so… *chuckle* my mind just keeps wandering off to when you were here a few nights ago, and… i think… honestly? i think you should move in with me. okay, that sounds crazy and impulsive and like i haven't thought this through, but i really have given it a lot of thought. i want you to move in here. don't worry about the expenses, i can take care of it all. and a moving truck to get your stuff, i'll pay for it. just… think about it, will you? don't just laugh it off. i'm serious about this."

charles leclerc

"i just got back to the apartment, and it's... so quiet without you here. i keep thinking about the last time we made dinner together and how you laughed so hard at my terrible cooking that the neighbors came over to complain. i'm still scared of meeting them in the stairwell. maybe next time, you should be the one to take charge and show me how it's done? save me from another disaster? or we could go out, whichever you prefer. i just really want to see you again. and not die from food poisoning."

alex albon

"the other day, you mentioned not having a necklace that fit the new top you bought. and for some reason, i just happened to find myself right outside a jewelry store today. so i went in and bought you something. the lady in the cash register told me that a longer chain with a pendant would fit a v-neck top best, so that's what i got. it's gold, of course, i wouldn't dare buy you anything silver after you lectured me about having a warm skin tone for half an hour... i don't know, i just wanted to tell you this so you don't run around stressing about having to buy a new necklace. i can drop by yours with it if you want me to. or if you want to wear the top tonight, i'll give it to you when i pick you up."

oscar piastri

"hey, i just wanted to check in with you, make sure you're okay. are you? *pause*. what he said tonight, that was... it wasn't right. you don't deserve that. he was wrong, he has no idea what he's talking about. please, call me when you get this."

ollie bearman

"can i come straight to yours from the airport? you don't have to hug me before i shower, i might be full of flight germs, but... i just want to see you. and i'm pretty sure i forgot my favorite sweater at your place last time i went to visit you. you know, the blue one?... i think you know. not that i want it back, you can keep it if you like it. i know you look cute in it... that's beside the point. i'll tell the taxi driver your address, let me know if you don't want me coming over. see you soon."

paul aron

"some kids are building a snow fort down the street. you know, in the park where we had that picnic last summer? one of them has slipped and fallen right onto his butt about ten times now, it's hilarious. i wish you were here to see it, you would've laughed your ass off. *pause*. wish you were here for other reasons, too. but... just one more week, right?"

arthur leclerc

"i may have had a bit too much wine but i needed to call you and tell you what i just realized. you have the prettiest eyes in the world. they are gorgeous. i want to trade eyes, if i have your eyes then i would be able to get any girl – but i still only have eyes for you. haha, get it? because they're your eyes? *pause*. why are you not answering? did you hang up on me? oh, is this voicemail? did you not think i was important enough to pick up the call? even at three in the morning, you should only think about me."

pepe marti

"i know i said i was going to call you tomorrow, but i just realized. i forgot to tell you something. sebastian is throwing a party this weekend- i think it's more of a housewarming-gathering-thing, and i wasn't really feeling like going, but... i would love to introduce you to some of my friends. they're all really nice, i promise you, and if you ever feel even slightly bad, we can leave instantly. i just want to show you off, i guess? everyone would be so jealous- i didn't mean it like that, i made it sound like- i'm sorry. just please, come with me. it would mean the world to me."

clement novalak

"i went by that bookshop i know you like. the cute little one near the subway station, right by the park? and i... i had some time to spare, so i went in. just to look around at first, but then i wanted to ask the woman who works there if they have that book you were talking about. but i just couldn't remember the name of it, so i tried to explain it to her based on what you told me weeks ago, but i was just rambling... but i think she managed to find the right one. hopefully. and when we went to pay, she asked if she should wrap it and i said 'sure', but when she asked who it was to, i froze... so the wrapping has little hearts on it, i hope that's okay. i'll see you tonight, right? can't wait."

[aklaustaleteller]

On One Condition

Klaus feels bad for messing up Y/n's exam preparation schedule, so he asks her what it is that he can do to 'earn her forgiveness'. Yet somehow, he manages to put up a condition when she asks him to help her with an art project...

Warnings - none, really.

Word Count - 1.4k

Masterlist | please reblog the fic if you like it!

So, I was rewriting an old fic when I decided to write a little backstory, i.e. this fic, and I hope you guys like it! I'll be posting part two within the next two days so yay!

Update: You can now read part two here!

She was something else, a feisty one who liked a good chase. And Klaus should've noted that from miles away. But he was too deep in now, and he wasn't going to back down until he had her.

He was waiting outside the school to catch Stefan, have a chat with him and warn him against trying to harm him because telling him off meant telling off the entire group, and Klaus found that lovely.

And he had just caught sight of Stefan when he saw her behind him, her hair bun not so tight as hair stands fell out and framed her face. She was walking with another girl who seemed to be trying profusely to convince Y/n of something -- probably a party if Klaus were to guess but he felt himself tuning in when she walked in a closer range to him.

"I really cannot do it, Vicki. Please try to understand that I'm myself giving exams right now," he heard her say, and then saw as she put her hand on her shoulders. There was softness in her voice that he'd never wished previously to be directed at him.

Bringing her in for a hug, Y/n explained herself again, as if she felt bad for denying whatever it was that Vicky wanted. "I would've helped you out had I not missed out on my preparation earlier. I’ve quite literally been studying the night before for each exam." She smiled, with what emotion Klaus couldn't quite see, but he found it beautiful, nonetheless.

"Why don't you ask Elena? I'm sure that way you'll bump into Jeremy a couple times as well," Y/n grinned, passing the squinting brunette a quick wink before turning back towards the exit with a sigh of relief.

Though it only took a couple steps for her to bump into Klaus, not so accidently. She'd seen him the moment she'd gotten out of the gates, and the fact that she had to pass him in order to reach her car only made her feel... more positive, let’s say.

She hadn't gone out of her way to slam into him, but he had. And the only other thing she has to blame is her spiteful walk that led the one library book she'd borrowed to topple out of her grip.

"Klaus, back off," she gritted, quickly picking up her book and moving once he did.

"It's not my fault, you know, that you bumped into me," Klaus said with a lure in his voice that suggested he just wanted to rile her up. "I'd apologize to me," he shrugged, a lopsided grin pulling up on his face when he noticed her turning.

"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but that'd be a cruel and unusual punishment," she bit back, pressing her key to unlock the car.

"Please, save your breath. You'd probably need it to blow up your next date," Klaus teased, remembering the night Klaus had crashed her date and scared off the guy by doing nothing, really.

Sighing, Y/n gripped the steering wheel of her car and closed her eyes for a second. "Say something else and this book will become a lethal weapon," her voice was agitated as she warned him, and when he truly backed away with a proud grin on his face, she finally pulled back and drove home, daring to spare him a glance in her rear-view mirrors, an angry blush creeping up her neck when she caught his eyes.

Once she reached home, she didn't bother to lay out her clothes before jumping into her shower. Still, she buttoned up a loose striped cotton shirt and pulled her underwear up her legs. It didn't take her long to just decide on a pair of pyjama shorts.

After a good bowl of salad for lunch, she brought out her schoolwork to just do it on the porch considering the nice weather. But of course, that was a mistake because soon into her immersive study session, she was disturbed by loud clashing noises coming from the house across hers, Elena's house.

Taking a deep breath, she was just getting up when she caught sight of Damon and Stefan inside the house, speeding towards each other. It was purely for the dramatics, she was sure, considering the fact they wouldn't kill each other, they simply didn't have it in them.

She just felt sorry for Elena's dishes, maybe some of her furniture as well.

Twisting the knob she had just pushed the door in to go back inside the house when she heard a voice behind her. "Too noisy, aren't they?"

Klaus.

"You already messed up my preparation schedule once, Klaus. Do not dare to do it again," she said calmly, though her grip on the knob was probably tighter than normal.

With that, she decided to cross the line and enter her home. Then she turned around to face him, but he didn't seem to be in the mood to mess with her either.

"I came here to apologise, and perhaps, make up for the troubles I've caused you," he admitted, looking at her with such sincere eyes that she could've given in right then.

"And how do you plan on doing that? Plus, if this is a joke, I still have that book with me."

"You tell me what it is that will earn me your forgiveness," he said dramatically, making her look down to hide something from him, maybe a smile.

Opening the door wider, she looked at him and then hesitated a little. "Don't make me regret this," she said. "Come in, please."

Klaus was caught a bit off guard but managed to get inside, his eyes wandering right away to take in her house.

"I'm not sure how to word this really, so I'm just going to say it." Taking a breath, she sat on one of the dining table chairs and urged for him to do so too, getting a little flustered when he took the one right by her side and shifted so that he was turned towards her.

"What is it, love?"

"This might be a little ridiculous for you but it's very serious for me," she told him while maintaining eye contact to make sure he understood the situation.

Klaus simply nodded for her to go on, now leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

"I know you paint, quite impressively, might I add but that's not the point here," she quickly shut the topic before Klaus could tease her.

"The point is, I have this art project that I said yes to under pressure because my favourite teacher asked me to. But were you to see even my handwriting, you'd know I'm no good at it. The most I can draw is a stick figure and even that's wonky sometimes," she admitted bashfully.

"I used to have a friend who'd do it for me, but she left town last year and now... I don't really have anyone who would," she let out a breath at that, her eyes closed in anticipation of his answer.

"So, you wish for me to help you out with this said art project?"

Sitting stiffly, she nodded.

"Okay then. I'll do it... but what is it?"

"Oh great!" She cheered; happiness evident on her face. "It's supposed to be this super zoomed in image of either a grapefruit, or a pomegranate."

Klaus leaned back in his chair then, sighing as he considered it. "I will do it on one condition," he proposed.

"And that is?"

"You will stay with me in my studio when I'm painting it," he shrugged, as if it wasn't so much a big deal.

"But were you not doing this for my forgiveness?" She narrowed her eyes, but when he began to get off the chair, she struggled for some answer to come out of her mouth before he could leave.

"Okay, okay! I will!" She agreed immediately, sitting back down in defeat when he remained standing, a smile on his face.

"I'll go now." He said, walking backwards towards the door and he could see the uncertainty in her eyes. He could've teased her about it but decided against it.

"Come by my house tomorrow, around three or four… your wish," he said before turning to open the door.

He turned back to see her reaction and a smile crept up on his mouth when he saw her smiling back at him.

"I will," she told him while waving him goodbye, stopping just before he sped off with his dead heart beating a mile an hour. 

[leviscolwill]

adore

pairing: bsf!jude x fem!reader

summary: you adored your friendship with jude, but sometimes you wished things weren't so complicated between the two of you. [wc: 3,2k]

contents: mostly angst ??? a few cute moments here and there bc i'm fluff girly thru and thru 🤞, they can't communicate to save their life, drunk jude, a random man being annoying, jude being a dumb fuck, language, did i miss anything ?

note: this wip has been rotting in my drafts for a couple of months, i hope you enjoy it because i really enjoyed writing it 🫶

now playing adore by cashmere cat & ariana grande...

"please don't leave me y/n... you don't understand, i need you here."

"jude, i'm literally going to the toilet. i'll be back in 5 minutes, now let me go."

your best friend had always been the clingy type whenever he'd reach his alcohol limit (which was usually only after a couple of drinks). but tonight he was practically glued to your side, not that you minded, you basically spent your whole life attached by the hip. but you had to admit, it hurt a bit to see the person you couldn't have, not in the way you wanted to have him, at least, act all lovey-dovey with you.

the nature of your relationship with jude was complex, to say the least. he was your best friend since you were kids and you wouldn't change that for the world. but the way he looked at you sometimes made you yearn for something more, or whenever his touches on your shoulder or your waist would linger a bit too long to be friendly. maybe it was your mind playing tricks on you, after all, the chances of jude wanting you the way you wanted him were very low, not to mention the fact you led two different lives. but it didn't matter, you could manage to live and long for him with the hope that one day you could be more than a best friend to him. and this thought was all you needed to face him and his sparkly eyes for the rest of the night.

when you got out of the bathroom, your mind was still full of thoughts of your relationship with jude running in your mind. you were so engrossed in your thoughts that you bumped into a man's chest, not really being careful about your surroundings.

"i'm sorry, i wasn't looking." you quickly apologise to him, you were already on your way to your friends before the man grabbed your wrist, quickly letting it go.

"it's okay sweetheart, can i get your name as an apology ?" you cringed at his poor attempt at flirting with you, but you weren't feeling confrontational tonight.

"i'm-"

"y/n !" jude's voice made your head turn in surprise.

"you were gone for so long i almost forgot what your beautiful face looked like." he said smashing his face on your shoulder.

"is that your boyfriend?"

"ummm, no he's my-"

"depends who's asking." jude interrupted you, side-eyeing the nameless man.

"jude. i can speak for myself." the look he gave you broke your heart a bit, his lips pouting in sadness.

"if he is not your boyfriend, i'd gladly take your number, might even take you back to my hotel room..." it was obvious to everyone around that the situation was uncomfortable for you, that familiar feeling of disgust you always got when a man was being too friendly creeping on you.

"who do you think you are?" your best friend stared at the man with a frown on his face.

"jude, let's not..." the tension between the two men was evident as people stopped to stare at whatever was happening.

"relax mate, i just wanna talk to your friend nothing more." the stranger grabbed your wrist, still looking at jude, testing him, testing how far he would go to stop this.

"let me go." you didn't have to try getting away from him because jude did it for you.

the nameless guy suddenly let you go, and seeing him hold his jaw while screaming profanities at your best friend was all you needed to understand what just happened. jude punched him, but the alcohol in his veins prevented him from dodging the punch that came straight for his eyebrow.

immediately you took jude's arm before he found another idea to mess up your night some more, and walked out of the packed club for some air. you ordered a uber for the two of you and texted your friends that you were getting home early.

even fresh air couldn't rid you of the anger that coursed through your body. of course, you were mad at the man who couldn't keep his hands to himself. but another part of you couldn't help but be pissed at jude and his impulsive behaviour. but when you looked at him and saw blood trickle down from his eyebrow, everything was suddenly forgotten and you could only worry.

"fuck you're bleeding, why didn't you tell me? fuck, fuck, fuck." you searched through your bag for a tissue, mentally cursing yourself for how messy it was, and handed one to jude.

"just didn't wanna bother you..." he mumbled, holding it to his wound.

you both waited for the uber in complete silence, you knew you needed to have a conversation with jude about what just happened but you'd do it tomorrow, when he was sober and when your judgement wouldn't be clouded by anger.

thankfully, your uber didn't take too long to arrive, you helped jude put his seatbelt on after watching him struggle with it for a good minute. the atmosphere was tense and it seemed the driver felt it so he didn't try to make conversation with any of you.

you were halfway to your destination when you felt jude's fingers brush against yours lightly. you took a glance at where your hand lay, on the middle seat, jude's hand was right next to yours and when you looked at him he was suddenly entranced by his shoes, busy pretending it never happened.

you were sick of him acting like a child, so you held his hand, since he obviously wouldn't do it himself. the rest of the drive was silent but the atmosphere was peaceful, a nice change from the club.

you let go of jude's hand once you arrived at the villa you rented with your group of friends. you immediately took jude to the bathroom to clean his cut, he looked like a child while you were gathering the material you needed, mumbling words to himself with a frown on his face.

"is it gonna hurt?"

"probably not." these were the first words you exchanged since the club, the uneasy atmosphere of the room wasn't one you were used to whenever you were with jude. he was the one person who could understand you the best in the world, but it just wasn't the case tonight.

"can you hold my hand?" it was like he turned four again. but you couldn't deny anything from him, especially not when his eyes were glassy from all the drinks he had, so you took jude's hand in yours.

you started cleaning the cut, fully focused on your task, trying your best not to be distracted by the way your faces were inches from each other's.

"you're so pretty..."

if there was one thing you knew about drunk jude, it was that had loose lips. he couldn't keep any secret from you whenever he had the right amount of alcohol in his veins, and that often worked in your favour, but right now his words were only distracting you from your job.

"don't say that..." your heart was racing both at his words and at the proximity you two shared.

"i mean it." he was tracing your jaw with his fingers. you felt your hand quiver at the unexpected contact, and afraid you might mess something up because of jude, you quickly put a bandage on top of his, now clean, cut.

you started tidying up everything you used and expected jude to go to his room but he didn't budge.

"what's wrong?" you were a bit worried his injury was more serious than you thought and his brain was just working a bit slower than usual.

"kiss it better... please?" he said pointing at his bandage with a kissy face.

you were torn between kissing or slapping some sense into the boy standing in front of you. jude bent down so your face was in front of his, you obliged because you knew hammered jude would not have let you go to bed before you kissed him better. not because you wanted to, of course.

he was still unmoved, looking deep into your eyes so you took his hand in yours and led him to his bedroom for him to get a good night of sleep.

once you got jude to his bedroom safely, which wasn't an easy task given how starstruck he was at every little everyday thing in the house, he threw himself on his bed and grumbled something about clothes, before taking off his shirt with no prior notice. you immediately looked at your feet to give him some privacy while he changed clothes. he only giggled at your action saying he knows how much you would like to watch undress. which wasn't true, of course.

you took a quick peek, to make sure he was under his sheets. handing him a glass of water once he had his sheets pulled up to his chin and a content look on his face.

"no thanks, i'm not hungry."

"this is a glass of water?" you were perplexed at jude's words. the fatigue of your body preventing you from trying to understand his nonsense.

"well, i'm not hungry for water." you sighed at his childlike behaviour and considered shoving the water down his throat at some point before retracting, not really wanting to deal with the homicide of one the most in-demand football players of the moment.

you placed the glass on his bedside table and walked towards the door, unwilling to talk to a very drunk jude when all your body asked for was a good night of sleep.

but you couldn't ignore jude calling your name in a tired voice. you turned around to listen to whatever he had to say to you, only for him to beckon you closer with his hand. you rolled your eyes but still obliged, sitting on the unoccupied side of his bed.

"i just wanted to know why you were mad at me tonight." you didn't want to have this conversation tonight, but it seemed jude had other plans.

"because even if your intention was right, i think we could've solved the issue with no fits of screaming and fighting. i know you meant right but you can't just act without thinking all the time." you weren't even sure jude was registering your words properly, his eyes moving up and down your face.

"but i was mad at him too, he kept talking to my girl as if i wasn't right there." although jude was hardly convincing by the way the words came out of his mouth all slurred, you had to admit him calling you his girl put a faint smile on your face.

you thought your best friend was done but he just kept right on.

"fuck, you don't even know how many times i wished i was your boyfriend to stop these men looking at you that way. i mean i wished i was your boyfriend all the time, but especially then and also when you show me whoever you're talking to, you really have a vile taste in men y'know."

you looked at jude in total shock, he wasn't aware of what he just said from the way his face had the same drunken expression as before.

"do you mean it?" maybe he was pulling a prank on you. the look on his face didn't seem too serious, but then again he was drunk, how could you know how serious he was?

he laughed, how could he laugh in what was a very serious situation from your point of view?

"of course i mean it, sometimes it even looks like you want me too, maybe i just thought wrong. just tell me you don't want me, i reckon i could live with the fact i'm your best friend a bit longer." jude's nonsense somehow got even more nonsensical. how could he be saying all this with a smile on his face? even worse, how could he possibly think you didn't want him to be your boyfriend? you didn't even know what to say to him. hell, was there even a right thing to say in this exact situation?

"you can't do this to me jude... you can't just say this shit to me when you're drunk out of your mind. what do you expect me to say? i don't even know if you're aware of what you're telling me right now." words finally found their way out, your voice was much less cheery and much angrier than his as you felt a sense of injustice seeping through your veins. how could he say this to you like it was the simplest thing in the world? did he only love you when he was drunk? did he actually mean that, or was he over-exaggerating things under the influence?

"i love you and i loved you for a long time, please believe me, i know you're my best friend, and i don't want to ruin things between us... but i just needed to get this off my chest." jude was truly confused as to why you were so mad at him for this sudden 'confession'. of course, you didn't have to reciprocate his feelings, but he could only think about how he ruined your friendship for good from the way you responded so vehemently.

"goodnight jude." you left his room before he could add anything, and your thoughts were already running wild. you weren't sure if you should be feeling happy that he felt for you what you felt for him, or if you should be mad at jude for dropping this bomb on you so suddenly when he could clearly not think straight, making you doubt about the whole thing.

if you were overthinking before, your brain was now about to explode from everything that just happened in the span of an hour.

once you got under your sheets, no amount of sheep counting, lofi music, or breathing methods could put you to sleep. your brain was screaming at you, urging you to freak out about what just happened. every and each of your thoughts led back to jude, your own brain was torturing you, forcing you to separate truth from fiction at 3am.

you wished jude told you the truth, you wished his drunken words were his sober thoughts. but you didn't know how you were supposed to act like this never happened if this wasn't the case. how could you possibly come back to your little role, so well perfected over the years, of jude's best friend after he gave you the smallest glimpse of hope? your friendship with jude was the most important thing for you, but you wondered if you'd be able to pretend for the rest of your life or if you would go insane before that.

when sleep finally started taking over your endless train of thought, you came to the conclusion that if he meant what he said earlier, he'd have no issues telling you once he sobered up. you comforted yourself with this idea while your eyes closed by themselves, no more energy left in them to fight for the sake of overthinking.

jude had been avoiding you all day. the only time you exchanged an eye contact was during breakfast and even then he quickly went back to his room, not speaking a word to you. you could tell he was avoiding you like the plague, if he happened to be where you were he'd immediately flee the room, suddenly mesmerized by his phone.

you wished you were mad at him for how he was treating you and how he was making you feel, but the truth is, you could only focus on your heart breaking a little more each time he'd walk past you like you were two strangers.

after dining with the rest of your friends, you decided you were sick of jude's little games. if he didn't want to talk to you, then you would confront him whether he liked it or not.

it took you all the strength of the world to knock on his door after taking a deep breath.

no answer.

there was no way he knew it was you, you were sure of it. maybe he was just avoiding everyone tonight? you quickly refuted this idea, you saw him laugh with a couple of your friends half an hour ago.

you knocked again, a bit harsher this time to make sure he'd hear it. still nothing. you were preparing yourself to knock one more time, with much less hope than the first time.

"y/n, what are you doing?" yasmeen's voice startled you, it almost felt like getting caught doing something you shouldn't be doing.

"um... just needed to talk to jude, do you know where he is?" you couldn't help but feel embarrassed at the question. you were his best friend, if anyone should know where he was, that would be you. and your friend's dumbfounded look wasn't helping the heat creeping on your face right now.

"what do you mean? he left like an hour ago, had an unexpected meeting in london or something like that... he didn't tell you?"

it had been a very long time since you felt this way, maybe since middle school when your math teacher made fun of you in front of the whole class. your mouth suddenly drying, the sensation of your heart constricting, and your eyes stinging, trying their best not to let the sadness spill. it all felt like one big joke, you hoped jude would open the door, he'd tell you he was messing with you, he'd tell you everything he said last night again.

but that moment did not come. you couldn't answer yasmeen, afraid that the truth might spill along with your tears if you uttered a word. you simply shook your head, and went to your room, trying your best not to meet her eyes. your friends weren't blind, they could tell something was wrong between jude and you today, although none of them asked you what happened, they just kept a watchful eye on you and the way you looked at jude, in hopes he'd look back.

it felt good to cry in the privacy of your own room, far from the speculative conversation others were most likely having about the whole situation.

once your eyes were short of tears, you somehow found the strength to take your phone and click on your messages with jude to type a new one.

let's just keep doing what you did all day

i'll pretend you don't exist and last night never happened

probably best for us :)

[justwinginglife]

No because your writing keeps me going in this Soshiro Hoshina AO3 drought!!!!!!!

What do we think about our Vice Captain getting in some trouble during a battle with a nasty Kaiju and his long time friend/crush who is a platoon leader in another division just so happens to be on her way to visit the 3rd division when the attack happens so she swoops in to save the day (and stitches him up after the whole ordeal ;))???

So glad I could provide sustenance! I am also keeping myself afloat with my writing trying to stay sane until season two comes out. I need more Hoshina screentime fr fr.

Crushing Hard

Soshiro Hoshina had dinner plans and he was late.

He cursed the kaiju for its poor timing. It was one thing to have to fight a kaiju on a Saturday - how inconsiderate of it to attack on his day off- and another to have to fight it before a date. At least he thought it was a date. He never knew with you. He hoped it was a date. He'd been pining after you for so long, it made his whole week (his whole month, really) that you'd texted him asking if you could swing by and have dinner this weekend.

He had just fixed his hair for the tenth time (he didn't know why he felt the need to fix it so much, it looked the same every time he fixed it), when he got the call that there was a kaiju wreaking havoc. And only a couple blocks away from where you were supposed to meet him for dinner, no less. He would really beat the shit out of the kaiju if it destroyed the restaurant he had planned to take you to.

So he quickly threw his combat suit on over his date clothes, hoping it would be a quick and easy mission, and he'd be ready to greet you at the door in no time at all. Yeah, that had been wishful thinking. This Honju really had it out for him.

In fact, the damn Honju had even sliced through part of his combat suit, tearing through the top he was wearing underneath.

"This was my favorite fucking shirt, damnit!" He curses at the Kaiju and runs at it again, swords at the ready.

The thing about this Honju was that it wasn't very big but it was very quick. Hoshina was exhausting himself just keeping up with it. It was almost like it was made to fight Hoshina, with its strengths lying in speed and close combat. And to make matters worse, without meaning to, Hoshina's mind kept wandering to his dinner with you, causing him to be slower to react than normal. He took a cut to the cheek and swore again. If he took anymore hits, he didn't know if his pride would let him show up to dinner looking like this.

"You know, I really didn't think you'd be treating me to dinner and a show, but you always were the overachiever."

Before he even had time to process who was talking, a large blast went off and the Honju suddenly has a gaping hole in its abdomen.

"Huh. Sturdy thing, aren't you? Let's try that again." Another blast and now its chest is missing.

Hoshina blinks, watching as you continue blasting the kaiju until it's nothing more than roadkill on the pavement. He should be helping you, he should be bandaging himself up, he should be getting food in the both of your stomachs. So many things to do, but all he wants to do is stare. You look so gorgeous with a gun. The way you wipe blood from your cheek, the way your ponytail lifts in the wind, the way that you smirk at the corpse, smug about your win. He wants to take in everything about you.

"You look like you need a drink." Now you were turning around, grinning at him. He thinks to himself that he could watch you forever.

"Soshiro?"

He shakes his head quickly. "Sorry. Must be the blood loss."

You laugh. "Well let's take care of that and then you owe me some dinner, as I recall." You start cleaning him up and he continues to watch you as you handle him with such care.

You pull the combat suit off of him, revealing his torn shirt underneath. "Ah damn. That was your favorite shirt. And mine too. Love when you wear this thing, I'll have to buy you a new one." You continue bandaging him like you haven't just said something that gets his heart racing.

"Mmm, I know, I have one of your shirts in my bag. You can change into that and then we can hit up that restaurant if you're still up for it?"

He nods, a little too quickly you notice. It's adorable.

Then he cocks his head to the side. "Wait, why do you have one of my shirts?"

Then it's your turn to blush. "Ahh that... well it just looked so comfy, can you really blame me for stealing it?"

His eyes widen. "Wait just a minute, how many of my shirts do you have??"

You cough. "Just the one- why do you ask?"

He crosses his arms at you and raises an eyebrow. "Because I was wondering why my closet was looking a little sparse lately. And I thought maybe the washer just ate them all."

"Haha... funny... uh, about that..." You scratch your head sheepishly.

He roll his eyes in mock annoyance but then he smiles. "I'm sure you look better in them than I do anyway. I suppose you can keep them. But you owe me some new shirts!"

You laugh, holding your hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. Will do. After you buy me dinner, I did just save your sorry ass." You tease.

And the two of you continue on like that the rest of the night, just joking, laughing, drinking, and slowly the line between friends and more than friends starts to blur. Hoshina thinks to himself, maybe he does have a chance in hell with you.

After all, who the fuck steals half of someone's closet?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sure I can't convince you to ditch Narumi and join my division instead? I make a mean omurice."

[laylaplease]

Warnings — Birthday sex, dom!Anakin, praise, oral sex (Fem receiving), fingering, clit play, nipple play, slight daddy kink, pet names, missionary sex, hinted overstimulation. Ani's a worshipper in this one <3

Word count — 2.5k

Notes — Requested by a celebrating reader, happy birthday, pretty! 🤍🍪

Princess treatment wasn't something you weren't used to while being in a relationship with Anakin — the man goes above and beyond to satisfy your every need and desire, even the ones you're not aware of yourself. Your birthdays weren't an exception.

The morning sun shining through your Coruscant's apartment windows wasn't the thing that woke you from your slumber like every other day; this time it was Anakin's hands grabbing your thighs open and diving his head deep between your folds. "My sweet flower, I'm going to devour you all morning..." He had spent at least an hour all the way down, lapping on your wetness like a starved man while muttering endless praises and happy birthday wishes. And the best part is that he did not deny you any of the orgasms that shattered through your sleepy body. "Come, my love, let me taste you again and again..." The day was just too special; you deserved to feel as much pleasure as you desired.

After he's done with birthday breakfast, you are to spend a day wasting money in your favorite cafes and stores while gossiping with your best friends. Of course, that is after he steals your purse and sneaks in a credit stick with enough currency to swarm all of your favorite places around the Coruscant. By the time evening comes, Padmé literally has to drag you back home because you're having so much fun! But after she promises you another surprise at home, you bend.

You're welcomed with your place decorated with the prettiest flowers and colorful balloons. Once you enter, Anakin wastes no time to grab you and spin you around in the air, as if he's been missing you for months. He kisses your cheeks and lips with no shame, muttering how beautiful his birthday girl is. "My pretty princess, never seen an angel this beautiful." As you bathe in his affection, your friends are singing happy birthday to you, with Obi-Wan struggling to carry a two-story birthday cake without it falling in the background.

When unwrapping presents, you save Anakin's for last, just to toy with his anticipation to see the expression on your face when you see something you love. The second your eyes sparkle, it makes him absolutely melt; thus, he loved to spoil you with gifts just because of that little twinkle in your beautiful gaze. He's already given you a bouquet of your favorite flowers, but you surely were as eager to unwrap the neatly wrapped rose pink box with a matching bow on the top and a card that said, "To the love of my life." Unfortunately, he advised you to wait before everybody leaves. So the second you locked the door after the last guest, you rushed to your bedroom, where the secret box was hidden from the peering eyes.

"How I missed you all for myself." Anakin's needy arms wrapped around your waist once he followed you, nuzzling his nose into your neck. He wasn't able to resist the scent of you. He wasn't done pampering you. "Open it, sweetheart." He encourages you with a peck below your jaw.

You open the wrapping paper, careful not to rip the pretty pink apart. Satin ribbon slips off easily, and you're quickly welcomed with a lidded box with silver lettering of a brand name you've never seen before. Anakin admires the movement of your delicate hands exploring the presents, so gentle to treat each and every thing he gives you. The smile on his face, the soft caresses on your hip s— you could already sense he'd be glued to you for the rest of the night.

You lift the lid up to discover a floral lace lingerie set in a shade of lilac. It was a custom-ordered piece in which Anakin made sure to hide little pieces of you. The transparent cups were embroidered with your favorite flowers in silver threads, and between them — a zodiac charm pendant decorated with a tiny silk bow. Thin double straps would adorn your shoulders, and a matching pair of high-cut panties would sit perfectly on your body, leaving little to the imagination due to the transparent material lined with lace. And the last detail, a print of words in Anakin's handwriting on the inside of the waistband: "My beautiful starshine." The intimate nickname that only Anakin ever called you.

"Ani..." You look at him with awe in your eyes, thoughtful gift making your heart swell with joy. "That's— Thank you..." You cup his cheeks, leaning for a kiss. "I love it. I love it so much..." You whisper as his lips caress yours with an obvious eagerness he's trying to conceal.

"My starshine, my beautiful starshine." He pushes you down on the bed, climbing on top of you, while he explores your clothed body with his hands, kneading the skin and kissing your neck. "Happy Birthday, my angel..." He whispers with a shaky voice, trying to take his time, but you can already feel the hardness in his pants rubbing against your stomach.

"Ani— wait," You giggle, slightly pushing on his shoulders. "Let me try it on— Baby, p-please—AH!" His hand slips past your waistband and instantly finds its way onto your clit, rubbing it gently.

"No...No, sweetheart." He keeps touching you, enjoying every second of your beautiful whimpers and pleads. "If you'll try it..." He sighs shakily, pulling away his face from the crook of your neck to look into your eyes. "I'll tear it off your perfect body."

You could feel yourself stiffen at his dirty words; the tingle in your lower stomach increased with every sentence he whispered and with every hungry stare his eyes gave you. You knew he meant every word. Anakin was satisfied when your blushing face and a soft smile greeted him.

"You'll try it later, angel..." You weren't sure if he was commanding or reassuring you, but you weren't going to deny that. Not when his digits were already knuckles deep inside of you, gently bruising your wals with slow but first strokes.

"A-Ani!—" You squirm underneath him, back arching ever so slightly when he teases a certain soft spot inside of you.

Anakin smiles proudly, knowing only his hands can turn you into a whimpering mess. He slides his hand from your pants, kneeling back between your thighs to admire your flushed expression. The soft bite on your plum lip and the heavy rising of your chest told him everything he needed to know.

"What does my precious birthday girl desire?" He grins, looking down at you, while his tongue twirls around his dripping middle and index fingers.

At first, you just moan at the sight. He knows damn well what you need; you need him. You need to feel him; you've been craving it since the very morning — to have his naked body on top of you. He knows, and he wants you to say it.

"Please— Anakin, just..." You groan in desperation; he's so unfair; it's your birthday; you deserve to get your way without having to beg for it.

"Two words, sweetheart, all I ask." He caresses your cheek with the back of his hand, wiping the pout off your mouth. "Say it."

"A-Ani, please— " You buck your hips up slightly, feeling the wetness soaking through your panties. "—Fuck me."

Anakin knows he's been pulling on your strings with his little teasing game, so the second you express your wishes, he discards your pants and tosses them across the room.

"There we go. Wasn't so hard now, was it?" He kisses your stomach while lifting your blouse up, which soon slides over your head.

The wet kissing doesn't stop tracing your burning skin; he moves his lips up to your chest, peeling the bra off your breasts and latching his mouth on an already hardened nipple. His tongue toys with a sensitive bud, pulling on it gently, making you shiver with pleasure.

He's quick to remove his own clothing before laying on top of you and giving you a passionate kiss on your lips. He looks at you like you're a star fallen from the sky into his arms; he holds you and touches you like he's burning with desire and love. His hands are all over your body, touching you, feeling you, you're the air he breathes — the source of his life.

"Can I, baby? Can I have you, please?" He whispers into your ear, nudging his aching cock against your panties, the dampness making him twitch.

You nod frantically. Yes. Yes. You need him to have you. You pull him closer, wanting to feel as much of his hot skin on yours as soon as possible. The chosen one is still a mere mortal, too weak to resist the desire for his goddess.

Anakin grabs the hem of your panties, unwrapping you like you are the present. No matter how many times he does it, it's never enough. Your whole body is just so beautiful; your juices so sweet, insides so warm and welcoming. He wants to be one with you and never be parted from you.

He positions your hips above his and lets himself slide gently into you, so you can feel each and every vein that's molding your walls to the shape of him.

"Ahhnii!—" Your moans mix with his name; you want more. You try to move your hips and have him fuck you, but his strong grip won't allow you to squirm.

"Shhhhh..." He whispers, eyes rolling back to his skull while he slowly sinks inside. "Be good."

Once the blissful torture ends and he's settled deep in your body, he leans all the way forward, snaking his arms under yours, all the way to the back of your head to make you look at him.

"My love," He holds your face in his hands, still balls deep in your cunt and not moving an inch. "Thank you for blessing me with you." He looks into your eyes with lust and a deep sense of admiration all together.

Your fingers wrap into his hair. "I‐"

"I love you." He interrupts you, and you feel your walls pulse around him at his desperate voice. He doesn't let you answer when his hips set a slow pace, thrusting back and forward into you. "Look at me; keep looking at me." He moans, still holding your head, so you have no choice but to attempt to keep your eyes open as he makes sweet love to you. "I can't get enough of you."

Every thrust seems to be penetrating impossibly deeper than later; he's panting heavily, forehead pressed against yours, to easily kiss you when he's not looking into your eyes. His hands keeping you still and hips pressing onto yours hold enough strength to keep you from squirming and have you take it all.

"So good, Ani, yes..." You chant his name, which only speeds his movements, making your body quiver violently in his embrace.

"Just like that, you love it, don't you?" He encourages your whimpers with his raspy voice and a rare, more forceful thrust, which bruises against your spongy spot.

"Yeaaah, fuck— Yeah, don't s-stop...!" You hold onto his back, digging your nails into the muscle, which only arouses him further.

"No, not tonight. Tonight, I won't stop." He reassures you with a gentle nod and a sentence with two meanings — both of them correct.

You shake helplessly under him, wanting to continue, wanting to come, wanting more of him and more pleasure, and Anakin is aware of that. He reaches down to grab your thigh and bring it over his shoulder so he can reach deeper into you and abuse your g-spot as much as you both wish.

Every clench of your cunt makes him grunt just a little bit louder, and every grunt he makes forces you to spasm more, creating an endless loop of overwhelming pleasure. Anakin rocks your body into the mattress, your limbs limp in his arms while the headboard crashes into the wall repeatedly, and he's is too pussy drunk to make a mental note to adjust the bed position later.

"Look at me when you cum. Look at me, or I'm fucking you through more orgasms than your perfect tight cunt can handle." He orders you. It was your birthday, but he was still the one on top of you at the end of the day, and there was no point in fighting or arguing. Even if the suggestion sounded a bit tempting for a second, so with the last strength you have, you brace yourself.

His forehead presses against yours again in an attempt to keep you from turning away, creating a sharp stretch in your left hamstring from your leg still resting on his shoulder. He keeps thrusting into you repeatedly, angling his cock to brush over your favorite places. You stare into his eyes, tearing up from how absolutely delightfully he's fucking you.

"C'mon, birthday girl, come for daddy, yeah?" He supports you when your pretty eyes stare at him so intensely. "Cum all over daddy's cock." He moans, unable to speak clearly himself.

So close. So so close. Stare at him, look, look, don't close your eyes. He told you to look. That's it. His eyes, so pretty, staring back at you, telling you how much of a treasure you are while he thrusts deeper and faster into you. Keep looking. His sweaty forehead pressed against yours, his hand reaching down to rub on your clit. You close your eyes in bliss, he thrusts rougher, and you open them back up. He holds you close, his whole body not losing strength, just so you can keep feeling the pleasure. One more stroke has your body trembling and clinging to his.

"A-nakin!" You spasm repeatedly as your orgasm sends your body into paradise; your back arches into his chest when your eyes involuntary close.

He slowly eases the thrusts, still hard inside of you. Anakin kisses all the way up your neck, and you're hopeful he didn't notice your little accidental disobedience. His lips find your cheek, then your temple, while his hand frees your thigh off his shoulder, letting it fall softly into the sheets. You can't help but pant heavily while your insides still twitch in the afterglow of your pleasure.

"Oh baby..." Anakin sighs, kissing your delicate skin. "I've told you—" He sighs and looks deeply into your eyes. "Told you to keep looking..." He caresses your cheek, a mock pity present on his face.

Before you can say another word, he pulls out of you and, with a tight hold of your hips, flips you to lay on your tummy, manhandling you into a position where he's taking whatever he wants from your body.

"Birthday's over, baby girl." You sense his grin right before he slams his whole length all the way back, knocking the air out of your body.

With your eyes blurry from a forceful thrust, you manage to make sense of a bedside clock that shows only a few minutes past 12a.m. The birthday's over, and now you'll play by Daddy's rules again.

[loonavrsl]

241128 [💌] Yves' letter to fans for her 7th debut anniversary

Hi! I just arrived home after finishing dance lessons. It's a pity to have the day pass by as soon as I arrive, and so I write. It had snowed just like this, on that day. Coming home while stepping on the soft snow, I briefly glimpsed my past self. I used to get called over by teachers at school and be scolded for grasping at clouds, because I wanted to become a singer. On the two-hour ride home aboard the 1002 bus, the pitch-black darkness outside the window seemed just like my future. What if I really was chasing clouds? Those times, seemingly in my grasp but never quite, would always scatter like the morning fog. Meanwhile, I shed my school uniform and the first digit of my age changed, but my days were cruel. I'd walk an hour's distance to save money on fares, shedding the snow piled up on my shoulders and listening to Haseul's "Let Me In". I vividly remember myself wiping the damp screen with shattering cold hands, looking at that album cover again and again, running to my part-time job. I don't think I could ever forget being accepted to the company I'd been rejected from twice, and coming face-to-face with Haseul. I think it was an incredibly big happiness to be able to do the music I like, together with the precious relationships that I'd never have met if it wasn't for the group. True happiness can only be felt after experiencing misfortune, did they say? Maybe the heavens were jealous, or maybe I did wrongs in my past life, but after spending a year that felt like a decade, I was standing on the stage alone. They also say that no pain is meaningless. Even though my past self may have been upset, I'm assured that that has made me a little more sturdy and resilient. But why does a corner of my heart ache. Perhaps it is aimed towards you all. Have you ever seen a shooting star? When I blew out my birthday candles, I'd often try to get as many wishes in as possible and the candle would drip onto the cake. One night, at the shooting star rushing towards me in the sky I'd just looked up at, I wished without hesitation: 'Please let everyone be happy'. I don't know if that wish is still valid, but like the meteor headed to me then, perhaps I too am rushing towards that happiness that I don't know of yet. Please don't hate me. I am not a bad person. Tonight, I hear those words that I endlessly repeated and repeated inside myself for six years, like an echo. Now, when the vestige of those echoes fade, I want to speak anew in a calm voice. Thank you for loving me. Someday, when this resonance ends, I'd like to impart another new set of words to you. On this silent night with the world covered in white snow, leaving my clamorous heart behind; to you, to whom I want to give only love.

Translation by: litell_johnn

[acourtofmarvels]

Patience - Cassian

No OC this time, just your average Cassian x Reader (I used she/her pronouns but please use any you would like to.)

Summary: Y/N has been apart of the IC for 100 years after they saved her from a horrible incident that left her broken and traumatized. Cassian knew she was his mate from the second he saw her. Though he never could tell her, not after everything she endured.  They put her back together. She loved them and they loved her. Her family. Though, in the recent couple years she developed feelings a little stronger toward the male who she would soon find out to be her mate. 

Warnings: hints of abuse and assault. fluff

Word count: 3369

Cassian

"Why haven't you told her?" Rhysand asked me. I looked at him like he was crazy. He must be. Thinking I could ever tell her.

"How could I put that on her? After all she's been through. She's open to us now. She's stronger, braver. She's finally starting to learn to cope with her trauma. I don't want to scare her with something so... intimate."

I saved her. I have kept her safe. I helped her, trained her. Held her when she needed it, gave her space when she needed it. Those 50 years when Rhys was under the mountain she never left the House of Wind once. She didn't feel safe without her High Lord here. Even though Az and I were always with her.

"Cassian..." Rhys started.

"You kept it from Feyre, why? Cause you wanted to keep her safe, you didn't want to scare her. You wanted her to be ready for it. Thats exactly what I'm doing." He's being so hypocritical. How could he think I could just spring this on her?

"You've know for 100 years-"

"I knew the moment I saw her. She was covered in her own blood and vomit, bruised, broken and bare. You didn't see her, Rhys. You didn't feel-" I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I was the one who covered her, brought her to Valaris to be healed and saved."What those monsters did to her..."

"They're dead now. They'll never hurt her again." Yeah. I killed them all. Made them suffer. Had them begging and pleading for their lives.

"She's still healing. I'd wait another 100 years if had to." 

Her POV

"We can go back if you want," Mor said quietly to me. We walked down the cobblestone sidewalk through the markets in the town square. Her arm linked in mine, her way of letting me know she wasn't leaving my side.

"No, I feel... good. It's a beautiful day. Everything feels like it's fitting into place. I've noticed these past few months that I finally feel like my old self again. But.. better."

It felt so good getting out of the house. Walking down the streets of my home. Home. I'd been here for a century. I've found my family here. People who love me, scars and all. And I love them. They're my rock. I wish I could say that I put myself back together after being broke for so long but it was them. They hold me together.

"Have you gotten all your gifts yet?" It was solstice this week. Everyone's favorite time of year.

"I have." I smiled at her. "And I'm not telling you what I got you." I knew by the tone in her question that's exactly what would lead next.

"Come on! Did you get it when we were together? I always take you shopping. How could you have possibly gotten my gift?"

"Cassian took me yesterday." I didn't like going out by myself. Too much anxiety. Mor or Feyre always go shopping with me in the markets. The boys take me other places, exploring Prythian if I please.

"Cassian never goes shopping with me! Gods, how did you convince him to do that?"

"I just asked him and he said yes." I shrugged. Cassian has always been sweet. He never tells me no. I feel guilty about it sometimes. I don't want to bother him.

"You have him wrapped around your finger, I swear." Mor groaned and I laughed.

"I do not." My face felt warm as a blush crept up upon my cheeks. Me blushing for a male? That hasn't happened since before... "Cassian just worries about me."

"Yeah worries a little too much." She rolled her eyes playfully. "You're staying at the town house with all of us this week right?" Rhys and Feyre mentioned they wanted everyone there this week. It was kind of tradition but this was the first solstice since the war and it just felt a little extra special.

"Of course. And I will also be drinking my weight in wine."

"Oh gods, a drunk you is never good." Mor and I both laughed loudly. I didn't drink much. Only with them. And usually on special occasions.

***

"Leave! You'll see us when we are ready!" Feyre yelled through the door. Rhysand wanted to see which dress she picked. He was being very persistent. It was so cute.

"Just a peak, my love," he said. I could practically hear the smile in his voice. I felt a weird pang in my chest. That was weird.

There was some more playful arguing between them before Feyre finally came back over to the vanity where I was sitting as Mor was doing my hair and makeup.

"He's acting like a child and I just took away his toy," Feyre mumbled, "Illyrian baby."

Mor was the first one of us who was ready. She was wearing a long black silk dress with her signature red lips. Feyre was wearing a dark blue sparkly dress. It took me a while to pick which dress to wear. Feyre insisted on the maroon one, while Mor wanted me to wear the emerald green. I am bad at making decisions so I let Elain pick and she favored the maroon one more like her sister. 

"Mother above we look hot," Mor whistled as the three of us stood in front of the giant mirror in Feyre and Rhys room. 

The door squeaked as it opened, Elain slipping through. "Stop being annoying, you swear you've never seen her dolled up before." She mumbled to whom I could only assume was Rhysand. She closed it behind her, pressing her back to it. Elain was in a pale pink dress. She favored the lighter colors. "The boys are getting rowdy and insist we go down to eat dinner."

"They're children, I swear." Feyre rolled her eyes but she was smiling, as was I. Feyre followed Elain out the door. I briefly heard Rhys say some curse words at the sight of his mate before Feyre shut the door behind her. 

Mor reached for the handle of the door but paused when she noticed I was hesitant to follow her. I could tell she was immediately worried for me. "What's wrong?" Was I really that transparent? 

I couldn't lie to her. She can always tell when I'm lying or hiding something. "I am nervous." I admitted, my hands gripped the fabric of my dress nervously. 

"Why? Has something happened?" I think I was the closet with Mor. She was there since the beginning. For the first few months after the incident I was to afraid to be around males. Mor never left my side. She didn't even know me yet she cared so much. 

"Nothing has happened. Just, something feels different." I could feel the aching in my chest. I had noticed it every time I was around Rhys and Feyre, I didn't understand. 

"A good different or a bad different?" She took ahold of my hand, a comforting gesture she did to know that she was there for me and she wasn't leaving. 

"I'm not sure. I think what I'm feeling is good but it hurts sometimes." She gave my hand a small squeeze. 

"Do you want to leave? I can winnow us out right now. No questions asked. You say the words and we're gone." I smiled at her. 

"No I don't want to leave. I just... I had that on my chest." I took a deep breath. She continued to rub her hand over mine. She always held my hand when I was anxious or feeling emotional. It was comforting, to know she was always by my side when I needed her. 

The door burst open, in came an angry looking Amren. Her hand was gripping the doorknob so hard I thought she might pull it off. "If you don't get downstairs in the next two seconds I'm killing them all." She glanced down at Mor holding my hand and Amren's face actually softened. It wasn't often I saw any other sign of emotion on her face that wasn't anger or annoyance. "What's going on? Are you alright, Y/N?"

I let out a small laugh. I love that they all worry for me. But it does get annoying the amount of times a day I hear Are you okay?  "I'm quite alright, thank you. Let's eat, I'm starving." 

Amren went first, Mor following and myself close behind. The biggest smile formed on my face the second I heard the low, loud, voices of the rest of my family downstairs. I don't even know what they were saying but Cassian's voice stood out to me. My heart sped up and I ignored it like I always did. It was a weird feeling I didn't understand. It always happened around him or even to the thought of him. 

"The night has barely begun and you're already giving me a headache," Amren grumbled as she hopped off the last step. The room grew quiet as Mor and I came into view. My eyes locked onto Cassian's first. There went that feeling again. He pushed his chair back, standing up straight. I noticed Rhysand and Azriel were standing up to. 

"Now don't stop the party on our account," Mor said. 

Rhysand was the first to speak out of the males. "You both look marvelous." He then looked at down at his mate who was sitting in the chair beside him. He must have said something to her for only her to hear because a slight blush freckled upon her cheeks. 

Azriel approached both of us, complimenting us. He hugged Mor, then looked at me for permission. I smiled at him and opened my arms to give him a hug. "Thank you, Az." The males were always hesitant to show any type of affection toward me. I understood why and I was grateful for it. 

As Azriel walked back over to where he was sitting previously at the dinner my eyes locked once more on the Illyrian general. 

"Y/N you look-" Cassian choked on his words. "I mean y-you both look, um, wow." He motioned to Mor and I. I'd never seen him so nervous. 

"Settle down Cass, you might just woo them away." Rhys said making Az laugh. Cassian's face turned red as he sat back down in his seat. Feyre swatted his arm and scolded him silently. 

The night continued on as we ate and drank. I sat at the end of the table with Elain on my right and Mor on my left. The smile on my face only grew bigger as the night went on. 

I kept the smile on my face as I glanced at Rhys and Feyre, who were talking quietly to each other, stealing kisses back and forth. I wanted that. That love that they share. That was the first time I was admitting it. I think I just realized why I felt that pang in my chest every time I looked at them together. That connection was what everyone craved. That unrelentless love. I didn't even know I was ready for that but I now realize that I do. 

I looked away from them. I couldn't watch anymore. I needed to focus on something else before they noticed my change in demeanor. 

I couldn't help but look at Cassian. He could always calm me down in the worst of times. It was like he knew I was watching him cause the second he looked at me every thing changed. It felt like the world stopped and something shifted. It started in my chest, a glowing warmth that began to sooth my aching heart, like a bandage to a wound. The warmth spread outwards, moving to my limbs and beyond my body, forming a bridge between us. 

The second that connection snapped I stood up abruptly, the chair beneath me almost falling back I pushed it back so quickly. The tears were already falling down my face. "You-" I couldn't even form a sentence. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to prevent myself from sobbing then and there. Cassian was standing too, worry all over his face. But he knew. I knew he knew. 

I couldn't breath. I knew people were calling my name. I knew Mor was by my side but everything felt numb. I needed to get out of here. 

I didn't look out as I ran out of the townhouse. Into the cold air, through the falling snow. He's my mate. Cassian is my mate.

"Gods, Y/N, you're gonna catch a cold out here." His voice alone soothed me. He appeared in front of me, wrapping a cloak around my shoulders to keep me warm. 

"How long?" I looked up at him, his face blurry through my tears. 

"Let's go back inside, I don't want you to get sick out here," he avoided the question, which only made me angry. 

"How long have you known, Cassian?" I raised my voice. I wiped my tears away so I could see him better. The sun was beginning to set but the faelights outside were shining on his face. 

"I knew the moment I saw you. It snapped immediately." He said quietly. He looked down at his feet, not daring to look at me. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was barely above a whisper. I was trying to hold it together now but my voice was failing me. 

"How could I?" Cassian looked up and it was then that I noticed the tears in his eyes also. "After what they did to you. After everything you've been through... I couldn't put that burden on you."

"A burden? You feel being my mate is a burden?" 

"No, never." He reached his hands out like he wanted to hold me, but he lowered them and took a step away from me. "I didn't want to scare you. I wanted the bond to click into place for you. I wanted you to be ready. But I will never force anything upon you. If you want to reject it, I will be okay." It was hard for him to say that. I know he didn't mean to but I could feel him send his sadness through the bond. 

I stepped directly up to him, he straighten up but didn't move away this time. He was watching me nervously. I wanted him to hold me. I needed him to make the first move. I don't want him to be scared either. 

Warmth spread through my body as he gently placed his hand on the side of my face. I let out a small cry as I placed my hand on top of his, wanting him closer. I looked up at him. "You do not scare me, Cassian. There is no one in this world that makes me feel safer than when I'm with you. And I am honored to be your mate." 

Cassian let out a cry of relief as he pulled me into his embrace. We both stood there in the snow, holding each other so tightly, crying with one another. After a few minutes he pulled away first, both his hands cupping the sides of my face now. His thumbs wiping away the few tears on my cheeks. "The honor is mine. And I will give you the everlasting love you deserve, for eternity."

"As will I," I reached up and wiped his tears also. "I will need your patience. I would like to go slow." 

Cassian's eyes went wide and he took a step back from me. "Of course." 

I laughed a little and grabbed his hand pulling him back to me. "This is just fine." He smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist. "And I would like you to kiss me." A blush formed on my cheeks as I said that. I hadn't kissed a male in over a century. 

"You sure?" He asked. I nodded slowly, he leaned in closer and when he was just mere inches away from my face I closed my eyes. Finally his lips found mine in an achingly slow, gentle kiss. He was holding me so softly, as if afraid he would hurt me. "You're it for me. I'm never letting you go." I leaned into his touch, wanting to be as close to him as possible. 

"Should we go back inside with the others?" I asked, nuzzling my face into his chest. 

"Yeah, we should." He replied but neither of us made an effort to move. "They're watching us from the window." 

I whipped my head around to look at the house behind me, multiple heads jumped away from the window. I laughed and shook my head. "They're always so nosey."

"Let's go. It's getting cold." Cassian and I held hands as we walked back inside. He took my cloak off for me and hung it up. Everyone was sitting at the table acting totally normal. 

I noticed Mor has taken my seat, pretending to be in a serious conversation with Elain. Rhys was trying to hide his smile behind his drink. Cassian pulled out the empty seat from beside him, allowing me to sit down before he took his seat. My face was red as a tomato but Cassian had a smug grin on his. They were all pretending like nothing happened, that this was all totally normal. 

"Did you guys know it started snowing outside again?" I spoke up finally, a smirk on my face.

 "What?" "No way." "I had no idea." They all said as a chorus. Then we all started laughing. Thank the mother for that. 

Cassian grabbed the edge of my seat and pulled me closer to him, wrapping an arm around the back of my chair. I grabbed his other hand and held it in my lap with both of mine. I need the connection.

"So did you all know?" I had to ask. I wasn't mad. I found it funny actually. 

"Know what?" Rhys asked, playing dumb. Then a devilish grin formed on his face. 

"I told Rhys the moment I knew, Az suspected the same day." Cassian told me. 

"I figured it out easily," Amren said, her arms crossed over her chest and a bored look on her face. "He stares at you constantly."

 "I do not!" Cassian said loudly and everyone laughed again.

"She does the same, don't worry." Mor smirked at me and my eyes went wide. 

"I do?!" I didn't even realize. My face was so red right now. 

"Oh, all the time," Feyre spoke up. Cassian squeezed my hand, begging me to look up at him. When I did his face was so full of happiness, my heart felt like it was melting. 

He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Do I have permission to kiss your cheek?" I giggled, literally giggled. Who am I? Where did this side of me come from?

"You have my permission and may do so anytime you want," I whispered back. He kissed my cheek with glee. I was so happy. I loved the affection he was giving me. He was respecting my boundaries and accepting that I wanted to go slow. But I now understood that with me wanting to accept the bond he was gonna take any affection he could get from me. I wanted to give him everything but I need time. 

"I think we can all agree, Cass and Y/N, we are very happy for you both." Rhysand raised his glass to us. Everyone copied, raising their glasses as well. 

Acotar Masterlist

[ijiwaruuma]

Is there a fanfiction of your Dunmer oc that I can read? Or is it just the comic entries that are spaced apart on your page?

Cryinggggggg and kicking my legs in the air

It's such a flattering question, honestly :"" I am very happy that my art has caught your attention in this way!!!

Now I'll try to pull myself together and give you the proper answer:

... So, I'm very insecure with writing for some reason (never know where to finish) and because of that the entire story of this OC is just some ideas in my head I usually share in DMs with anyone who's interested. If you want, I'll gladly tell everything you wish to know in this way. Or I'll just start posting about her on this blog if I stop being so socially scared... Or do some big epic illustrations for these texts (both of which is kind of unlikely 😭)

But for now, have some very rough sketches and facts for the mood:

She had an Argonian bestie when she was a kid at Chorrol but sadly that girl's dad was VERY traumatised by decades spent as a House Dres slave. And Colo-Nordic society she was surrounded with wasn't much kinder to her race.

Fortunately, one day she stumbled upon another Dunmer who didn't deserve all that hatred. He was a friend of that amazing Emperor who had saved her city from the invaders when she was ten years old, so he couldn't be bad like those violent Dunmer who ruined their race's reputation!

(also that dumbass made herself an ordinator scarf for the first date thinking it will make Dram nostalgic. It made him remember how those ordinators killed and almost tortured him 😭 (yeah, exactly in that order))

Some more random sketches

And bonus one with current Morag Tong grandmaster doing Dram's hair before sending him to execute his last(?) writ

[shippyo]

Question for life: What’s your relationship with Morpho?

[this ask will have my own lore related to Morpho hope ya all enjoy💖]

also,i think [this] soundtrack might fit🩷

Morpho...Yes, she is very special to me, she is my daughter, the first of all, I reborn her myself with my own hands,lemme tell you the story...

Before long,long ago in immemorial times, far from when it all began but close to the dawn of it, Morpho was another and a completely different being, a young girl from a world that feels lost even in my memory,that, somehow in a way that I have never known,fell to my dimension, wounded, confused, with living tears.

I remember that being when asked who I was and after I explained myself she told me

"Why have you been so cruel to me?"

That paralyzed me,i..i been cruel,it was the first i realized such thing that my whole existence is contradiction,i bring wonders yet suffering to all living beings,even if im not able to control what happens.

That poor being cried for every terrible misfortune that occurred in her life, abuse, wars, the fall of her world, she was still alive, of course, but she begged me not to return, not even to go to the afterlife and rest in peace, no, the pain that her tears brought was so breaking that she wanted to disappear from existence itself.

Obviously it's not something I wasn't going to do, I COULDN'T even if I can do it, it was unfair, it wasn't her fault that her life went so miserable to such disgrace thought in her mind came into it with no return to change it,she was lost, in exchange, I asked her permission to not go to such path, but rather be something new and somehow,she accepted, thinking that would end all.

In all honesty, at that moment I was not clear about the extent of my power, I knew that I had it and that I could do something outside of normal understanding for others but that pulse in me screamed for act different and so, I grabbed her face and my hands shone with intense light.

Without realizing it, the body disappeared when my palms closed, I felt fear for the first time thinking i destroyed her being, but I suddenly felt the flutter of a butterfly.

When I opened my hand, that butterfly that you all know so much came out and it didn't take long to complete its own metamorphosis as a new being.

The being before Morpho had disappeared, my power had a price to pay, in a way.

I don't know the reason but all those who are reborn from my hands forget in a certain way their old being, not as if it had never existed, they are not unconscious of what they experienced, but their souls feel pure,different and determined in wanting to defend life in being a new them, I feel them as an extension of me and they are condemned to a strange line where they cannot die for being so tied to me and yet even if she knew this she...

Looked at me happy, with a passion for living on her face that was not there before and thanked me for what I had done, although she felt sadness for her former self and her past,she now understood how beautiful it was to be there.

From there she named herself, "Morpho" and she felt indebted to me, although I did not want to,she insisted that to fight for me, defend, be the judge of beings of all those infinite dimensions, save others like who she was before, I do not like to feel that Im using her because I accepted her like some short of puppet, but even so, she has always seemed happy since then to serve me as a knight of life.

From then on, I was her mother and hundreds, billions like Morpho today are part of this family and I love them all equally.

Although...sometimes I wonder if I could use my power to reverse that strange "immortality" that ties them to me, I wish they could continue happy as they are now, but return to the mortality of life so that they finish their true cycle and not be attached to such tasks..I know I can and maybe one day I will have the courage to do it for the first time.

@kirbyoctournament

learn more of life lore [here!]

[ssparksflyy]

my tears ricochet but its jason grace and his 'lover' that he cant be bothered to give attention to

"even on my worst day, did i deserve, babe all the hell you gave me? 'cause i loved you, i swear i loved you 'til my dying day" but its his lover knowing she wasnt perfect, but also knew she didnt deserve the way he treated her.

"i didn't have it in myself to go with grace and you're the hero flying around, saving face" but its his lover watching him be everybody else's hero and prioritizing people he hardly knew.

"and if i'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? cursing my name, wishing i stayed" but its his lover watching him at her funeral from elysium and seeing how pathetic he's acting, saying he misses her, as if he didnt once tell her in an argument she was the last thing on his mind at the time.

"you know i didn't want to have to haunt you but what a ghostly scene, you wear the same jewels that i gave you as you bury me" but it's the way he can't think of anything else but her, no matter how hard he tries, after she's gone. but it's the way that he had the audacity to wear the necklace he gave her when they started dating to the funeral.

"'cause when i'd fight, you used to tell me i was brave" but its their 'honeymoon phase' where he used to treat her as if she was the only person he'd ever care for.

"and i can go anywhere i want, anywhere i want, just not home" but it's the way he infiltrated her home that once adored her and made it all about him. the way camp half blood was once the only real home she ever knew, but now it wasn't. the way that jason once served as a home to her, only for a very short amount of time, but she was incapable of reaching that home as well.

"and you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones" but it's the way that he now realizes and regrets how much and badly he hurt her. the way she'll forever haunt him. the way he refuses to ever forgive himself and knows that apart of him died in shame that day.

"and i still talk to you (when i'm screaming at the sky)" but it's the way that when she was alive, his lover would beg all the gods for a way out. the way she wouldn't allow herself to leave but begged for the strength to continue fighting for his love that simply was no longer there.

"and when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)" but its the way that jason can't stop replaying the one video he has of her singing by the campfire and the way he can't fall asleep without listening to it.

"you had to kill me, but it killed you just the same" but it's the way that jason could've saved her from dying, but chose to help another camper in need, thinking you'd just get hurt and would heal eventually. the way that decision is the reason why he can't get out of bed in the morning, the way that decision is what causes him to lose himself.

"you turned into your worst fears" but its the way that jason realizes that he's no better than his father, the man he hates most, for being so careless and heartless when it came to somebody who loved and adored him in a way nobody else could.

"look at how my tears ricochet" but it's jason grace and his lover who both lost themselves for each other, but at different times. one of those times, being far too late.

his lover died in battle against an invasion of monsters in the woods of camp half blood. jason saw her just minutes before she passed, knowing he couldve helped her, but instead decided to help the camper who was only a year younger than her and who's name he didnt know. he figured she'd be fine and accepted the fact she'd get hurt, but knew she would heal later. years later, he's still killing himself from within for being unable to answer the question, if he knew it all then, would he do it again?

[ciellunee]

I DON'T DESERVE LOVE

Pairing- Kento Nanami x reader

Genre- angst, smau, hurt/comfort

Synopsis- Nanami is exhausted and snaps at his girlfriend, making him question if he's even capable of her innocent love?

It was almost 11 PM, and nanami was still not home. You were lazing on the couch, waiting for him to return. Nanami has been a little too busy for the past 2-3 months. You and Nanami have been together for almost 3 years now, and the past few months haven't been the best for the two of you.

Every time you tried talking to him, he'd get really frustrated and snap back at you. You understood his anger and frustrations were due to work stress and let him be.

It's been 13 days since you and nanami held a proper conversation even though you share the mansion. You missed him, his tired face made you worry and you became anxious and depressed. You wanted him to leave the job and find another one, a job that doesn't Overwhelm him like this, but you were too scared to present your views. However, today, you finally decided to voice yourself. This relationship isn't going to doom because of a stupid job!

You knew he didn't mean it. Kento wasn't one to ever hurt you on purpose, let alone make you cry, but today..... it was different.

You want to understand kento tonight aswell, you want to be a doll for him tonight as well. You want to drag yourself to the bed and sleep again, but something just snaps inside you. Your cheeks feel hot, burning water pouring down your eyes, not even realising you're crying, you try to text him back, to tell him you're not his servant but lover, that you demand his respect and crave his love and attention but you're too exhausted to do that. So you stood there, phone in your hand, throat and eyes burning as you let your overthinking get the best of you. *Did he really think you're selfish?*

You didn't realise when you fell asleep in the living room, on the hard wooden floor, face exhausted and strained, cheeks stained by tears you let yourself cry to sleep and for what? Your lover's text? You felt pathetic, "Of course, he was right. I'm always too much to handle he's tired of me" being your exact thoughts before fatigue took over you and your eyes closed.

At around 2:30, your boyfriend entered the home looking absolutely drained. The bags under his eyes are huge. He's done with everything, just wants to be in his love's embrace while he forgets all about his job.

Entering inside, he is met with a tired looking s/o lying on the floor near the couch. His heart sinks as he moves forward to see her face hot and tear stained cheeks. He really never wanted to see you like this, that's why he worked his ass off so that you would never face any difficulties in life. His precious darling could enjoy her life without worrying about deadlines or getting consumed physically and mentally. Nanami never wished to see you like this. His hands shook as he held you close to his heart, mumbling an apology you're too asleep to hear. "It's all my fault, isn't it? I couldn't be the person you deserve. I always wished that you would never get caught in a life where you'll have to trade that glorious smile off for some money, but I did it myself. I don't even remember the last time I made you smile~ You regret choosing me, don't you?"

His eyes gave up, and the stoic jujutsu sorcerer and monotonous salary man nanami kento was bawling. His body shook half from the fatigue and tiredness and remaining from the fact that he became the person he was trying to save you from. His mind played every memory, every moment you two spent together, every time you made nanami smile. Coming home to such a loving partner was his victory in life. It was his achievement. He wanted to protect you, to save your innocent heart, but now he was in his living room crying, contemplating if he ever deserved someone like you?

The next morning, you wake up in your room, your head aching wildly, but you ignore it and search for the only person you wish to see. Did he tuck you in? When did he come home? Where was he? But you could only find a note stuck to the nightstand. "I've got to discuss something really important with my boss, I'll be home soon. Ps- there's some sandwiches and your smoothie in the kitchen. Love (your ken)"

You blushed as your fingers kept going on your Ken. For some reason, this morning felt weirdly positive. Your heart fluttered, thinking you'll finally get to spend some time with your boyfriend after weeks of him ignoring your presence.

After a few hours, your phone dings grabbing your attention, a message from kento pops up~

[dseerie]

My Thoughts On Why Astarion Acts The Way He Does

While I'm waiting for Baldur's Gate 3's cloud status to upload, I've been thinking. I've seen a lot on social media about people questioning why Astarion disapproves when your character wants to save the gnomes (since they are also under an abusive master) or assisting the refugees and how he is always wanting a reward instead of just doing something nice for the sake of it. And I've talked with people who have helped me put this into better words. At least I hope. So I wanted to explain my perspective as someone who was abused when a kid/teen/even early adult.

I fought my abusers whenever I could, figuring if it was going to happen, I'd piss them off, which was satisfying. But if someone started issues with a different authority figure, it annoyed me quite a bit because then I have another problem. And what if my abusers found out I was involved when I wasn't because someone I was with was upsetting the authority figure? It would become just one more issue I had to deal with. Too many details and nuances to keep track of when my mind needed to focus on the first problem. It made sense to stay on the good side of authority figures to keep myself safe and avoid trouble.

For me, something had to be worth doing or my mind just went back to worrying about sh*t, back to the fight or flight survival response. I needed that reward dopamine. Getting praises wasn't doing it for me, since I would forget the good because of the bad. Trauma brain is funny like that. I needed something physical and worthwhile to make me happy.

It's the reason why Astarion is my favorite character that I connected with the most. Not because of his beauty (not that he isn't an elegant elven man. Just that it wasn't what got me to like him. I'd lean more toward Gale or Wyll if it was by appearance for the male companions, though seeing Astarion half-naked with abs was a real shocker. I seriously thought he was a skinny elf 😳), but because he reminds me so much of how I was and how my thought-process worked. How I kept people away by being rude just enough without them wondering if they should say something to my abusers. Because no matter how many times I told people outright I was being abused early on, no one helped, only tattle-told on me.

And I haven't even completed a playthrough yet. I only just got to the Elfsong before starting a Durge playthrough. First playthrough was an asexual Tav to get to know the characters and storyline (I kid you not, I made my Tav a Charlatan rogue then discovered Astarion was also a Charlatan rogue when I was in the forge 😂). As I got to know them a bit more, Astarion intrigued me the most and when Patch 7 came out, I decided to play a Durge Romance. The first Durge both traumatized me up to Act 2 and made me adore and respect Astarion even more. So yeah, I'm romancing him on this Modded Durge Romance playthrough despite Gale having an interest in me, who is the male companion I would connect with if Astarion wasn't a companion (I'm literally just starting the Underdark area and Gale is already at 100 approval while Astarion is at 79 approval. I wish I had a library, I do have a cat, and I love me some white or pink wine 😋).

This is what my perspective of why Astarion acts the way he does. He's not bad, per say. What happened to him for 200 years has made him what he is. Nobody can fix someone else, but they can be guided to help fix themselves. I've been working to fix myself since I got out of the situation. And I want to be the one to guide Astarion toward fixing himself.

Both Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney (primary writer) did a freakin' incredible job in bringing Astarion to life and making him so believable to the point he has helped many to realize what they went through and improve themselves. Bravo, good sirs! Thank you so much!

If I think of more, I'll see about adding. For now, thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day. 😊

[astoldbychae]

a whole ass snack meal . . . oh and grilled chicken & corn (on the side) *tucks imaginary scoop bang behind ear* Hey Papa! 🥴

Took forever and a day to get the crew into the new save and adjust relationships & shit 😩 (how I wish moving extended families in game was much easier but girl MCCC for the win!).

Decided to pop in on Mr. Sir's temporary Maxis home in San Sequoia and his ass was half nekkid (as per usual), outside grilling chicken. Not too long afterwards his girls were right by his side (they be on his heels). If Monet wasn't stuck on the side of the fridge holding Alleia, I'm sure they would've been in his skin too.

I'm trying my best to play his save like a legacy but I can't bring myself to age anyone up. Monet's STILL pregnant but hopefully I can bring myself to unpause it (I'm so not ready for another infant...but also that means all the kiddos are gonna have to age up and I'm not ready. there is still so much I wanna have them do and also I ain't got time for all these festivities but like I want them to experience all the festivities). OMG! Send help! How do ya'll Legacy style peeps do it!

Apparently Marguerite wanted to be in his skin too because she popped up pissed off and SEVERAL days early to pick up the girls, which of course didn't go over so well. It's very awkward between her and Mel now, they literally despise each other (because she keeps starting arguments...then wants to scream, cry, throw up two seconds later...because blues grief. GIRL PLEASE! her ass wasn't sad when she was married, letting Slim slip & slide all up in her...nevermind 🙃)

Life & Death mixed with LoveStruck has had miss girl's po' lil heart in shambles honey. One moment she's flirty and thinking about Melo, then grieving their divorce, then gets pissed off, and takes her frustrations out on Scar (preferably in bed). Her and Scar's relationship also took a hit, He tried to give her some of that "act right"...and as soon as they hopped outta bed, she immediately started an argument which pissed him TF off, so their romance dynamic went from "Unpredictable" to "Strained". They may be on a little breaky break because he hasn't hit her up in a minute but he's been ridin around San Sequoia like he lives there. GIRL! Then to make matters worse, her triflin' ass baby's father Slim decided to pop up unannounced, uninvited, and unwanted (in a flirty mood) trying to research parenting on her laptop. HE KNOW DAMN WELL HE WAS JUST THERE TRYING TO WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS IN MARGUERITE'S EAR. Now they haven't talked to each other in a while because he ultimately didn't want anything to do with her or their child, when she told him about himself he had the audacity to get a little hurt sentiment. *eye roll*

Maybe it's time for Mama to take a vacation to relax, relate, and release because she needs a break from men for a minute (or atleast I think so).

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.