#and you better believe ill do it again
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HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE GIRL?!!
THE FACES HE MADE DOWN AT YOU WHEN HE UNSHACKLED YOU.. URUK DADDY IS MESMERIZED AND YOU'RE NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE?!
@baddybaddyadardaddy @theamethystvampiress @orehuna @bigblissandlove1 @eowyn7023 @toddthekiwibird @clumsycopy anyone else I forgot 🤣
The. Fuck.
My two personalities with him:
Unlock me.
Adar & Galadriel in THE RINGS OF POWER 2.06 "Where Is He?"
#the rings of power#galadriel#adar#series#sam hazeldine#for real id ask him to put the shackles back on#because lets be honest you haven't had dessert yet baby boy#I've got all you need right here#oh man i did it again didnt i#sexualizing an old man#yes yes i did#and you better believe ill do it again#my loins cry out for you my beautiful uruk#remember im pregnant yall#ok well im going to go now#excuse me while i hide my thirsty self in a corner#Sam im so sorry my man
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sequel to this ramble cause the way james talks bout the reduced cherik scenes throughout the xmen films in this video is making me want to kill people. 'we'll always have paris darling' what if we all blew up.
#xmen#xmen first class#xmen dofp#xmen apocalypse#xmen dark phoenix#cherik#snap chats#im gonna be sick ive rewatched this like five times#IM STILL PISSED AWF AND THEN HEARING HIS COMMENTARY ABOUT IT OUUUUGGHHHH#OOOH WHAT IF I THREW ROCKS#LIKE WHAT THE HELL WAS CUT. aside from that gorgeous 'where are you doing' scene in first class ofc BUT WHAT ELSE#im forced to believe there was a make-up and/or hate sex scene in dofp because wdym they were worried about censorship#LIKE WHAT. WHAT DID THEY CUT. CAUSE CENSORSHIP OVERSEAS IS ONLY FOR EXPLICITLY QUEER THINGS INNIT#maybe paris can be our always i hate it here NO I LOVE HOW THE PARIS BIT IS EVEN /THEIR/ COPE#LIKE PLEAAAAASSE im throwing up. maybe if i draw cherik ill feel better#on the real its genuinely so sad. like even outside of shipping this is still art being reduced#and what we have is still good but the thought that it coudlve been BETTER ...#again their connection is already good from what we have in the final but just ... the lost emphasis of it all if that makes sense#ESPECIALLY outside of first class and dofp- like their relationship really is so sparse in DP and apocalypse its so sad#i think what makes it esp sad is how upset james is about the cut material like its so nice that hes so invested in their relationship too#and its just gotta be so. Excuse Me What when youre told 'hey so your characters cant having a deeper relationship or we're fucked'#'even though the relationship between these two is one of the most fascinating aspects of this generation of xmen films'#is it so hard to want to see like .. even just an intimate 'friendship'. like would it be so bad to see them be so heartfelt#or even just bein a bit silly. or hell ill take them fighting again ANYTHING I BEG YOU the humanity between them is so important#LIKE PLEASE im gonna cope and seethe forever i fear#and when he said 'i thought 'its probably the last time we get to do this to each other'' :((((((((((((((((((((( shoot me#at least we'll always have paris ....
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me when anything i like: ...ok but what if they were cats notes abt the hypothetical au these designs exist in below the cut :3
-still deciding on where exactly darkclans territory and camp will be, either in an alleyway or in a dilapidated house/greenhouse... either way theyre very close to thomas's house! -speaking of thomas, he is the owner of the 4 cats that make up lightclan! -they arent reeeally a clan, being made up of kittypets and all, its basically just them roleplaying -this makes darkclan really mad -"erm, why are these KITTYPETS pretending to have the hard life of a WARRIOR" -even though they themselves r basically just rogues and also have a kittypet for their healer. theyre just petty -rattlestar does NOT have 9 lives no matter how much she says she does -also, her warrior name was rattleshade! (probably... this is subject to change if i ever think of a better one) -virgil (warrior name a wip, probably gonna have something to do with storms and spiders), used to be a member of darkclan, before being adopted by thomas -the cloak rattlestar wears used to be virgils :(
-thomas has tried several times to befriend roadkill and rattlestar, to no avail -he is also just very confused as to why it seems that his cats and those strays seem to have a very personal beef. he swears he sees them arguing -yes he is still allergic to cats here. its funny
-roadkill has HELLA fleas and ticks -as such, he must sleep on the couch (in a seperate nest from rattle) 😔 one like equals one flea and tick medication for roadkill
#anyways. ill probably design lightclan tomorrow. no promises itll be finished then though#believe you me ive tried SEVERAL times to design the sides as cats#and for some reason im always stumped by the light sides#uhhh if people like this idea i might do more with this au beyond designs. who knows. im probably lying im bad at doing shit i say i will#but we'll see!!!#been trying 2 improve my cat art skills recently#idk if its paying off. im trying though#i think it looks better than my stuff b4 i started trying. obviously the lineart is shit but thats just the standard for my art#not quite happy w rattlestars design... expect it to change at least a bit if i ever draw her again.#sanders sides#my art#remus sanders#janus sanders#remy sanders#sleep sanders#sasi#tss#ts sides#sanders sides fanart#warrior cats#digital art#waca#warriorcats#dukeciet#<- barely#sanders sides au#warrior cats au
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at some point i will figure out how to write the post-canon, post-empire edelgard autonomy fic of my dreams. it just feels like a very big task and maybe like with playing the dane, i’m simply not old and traumatized enough to manage it yet.
but my vision is thus: it’s set years (realistically, decades) after the end of crimson flower, when everything has gone as right as it can possibly go. fódlan is thriving. the social reforms have taken effect. the nobility system is nearly eliminated, if not entirely so, with titles made merely symbolic. social mobility, welfare, and prosperity are high. there’s an explosion in arts and culture and technology. brigid and duscur have gained independence; relations with sreng and almyra are much improved; heck, maybe they've even figured it out with dagda. in my most idealistic version, leicester and faerghus would eventually be ceded back to become autonomous regions, essentially disbanding the adrestian empire. rule is no longer hereditary, but merit-based. there's a roadmap for the future, and everything is on track—and more than that, people at all points on the power spectrum have already seen it bear fruit. with or without edelgard, it will be pursued. there's buy-in. they believe.
of course, it's not perfect—nothing can be—but edelgard's vision has been fulfilled. the people are empowered. humanity is free. fódlan has healed.
and somehow, she's had enough time to resolve her goals outside of politics, too. those who slither in the dark have been eradicated. edelgard and lysithea's second crests have been successfully removed, allowing them to live if not full lives, then substantially longer ones than they would have with their twin crests intact. who knows—maybe she finally gets around to having that wedding.
point for point, every item listed in edelgard's manifesto has been checked off. the ghosts of her past have been laid to rest. she can finally take off her crown. she can finally pursue the quiet, humble life she's wanted for so long. she can finally breathe.
... but can she?
edelgard is nothing if not driven. her intelligence, vision, and sheer willpower allowed her to plan and execute a revolution against two countries and the most powerful institution on the continent, all while she was still a teenager. as royalty, her life was never truly hers even before she became heir to the adrestian throne, with all the additional baggage of survivor's guilt and the desire for vengeance and her need to ensure nothing that happened to her can ever happen to anyone else, ever again.
so what happens when that drive has no outlet? what happens when someone who has been constantly in motion, constantly working and planning and preparing every spare second of every day since she was fourteen years old, suddenly has to stand still? what happens when someone whose hands have been bound for so long—first literally in the dungeons of enbarr, then by the weight and responsibilities of her crown—is set free?
being edelgard, she would step away from the throne, no matter how hard it was for her to give up control. she's always been focused on the endgame, and she knows that if she doesn't let go, she'll be setting the wrong tone for fódlan's future. she's too devoted to that endgame to cling to power much longer than she needs to, though i could see her making some excuses and trying to iron out just a few more things to buy herself some more time to mentally prepare before she's done for good.
but who would she be then? who is the woman without the crown? what becomes of a machine once it is no longer needed, when it has made itself obsolete? what about when that machine is a person with legs and arms and an innate unwillingness to gather dust on a shelf?
what happens when you get everything you want? what happens when all your wanting has been for others to thrive, and now you have to want only for yourself? how do you discover who you are when you've spent decades being everything for everyone else? how do you find meaning again? how do you find purpose?
after a lifetime of devotion and passion and movement, how do you learn to sit with yourself, and be quiet, and be still?
gosh, i would love to meet her. i would love to pick her brain. but boy, i do not envy the work that girl has to do.
#sterge.rtf#fire emblem#fe3h#edelgard von hresvelg#realistically edelgard is not getting all of this done in her lifetime. but that wouldn't keep her from stepping away anyway#'cause a funny thing happened to edelgard during the crimson flower route: she learned to have faith again.#so even if she couldn't check every box and fix every societal ill she'd still be able to pass the crown to the next ruler.#maybe not without fear. but with confidence. with optimism. with the belief that she's leaving the world better than she found it.#she'd have faith in her people. faith in the future. faith in the groundwork she's laid. faith in the systems she's put in place.#faith that her vision will be carried out with or without her.#and that faith would allow her to eventually let go.#i so love edelgard pulling a george washington and saying nah i'm good on power. peace#though unfortunately i could also see her pulling a teddy roosevelt#and saying nah i'm good on power. peace. wait what are you doing. you're ruining it. you're bungling everything. i can't believe this#and making several (failed and increasingly insane) attempts to get back into politics#who is the taft to edelgard's ted tho. i don't want to do ferdinand the disservice of saying it's him even though i think it's very funny.#it's literally the opposite of his character as taft notoriously sniffed roosevelt's farts for a long time#until he finally pulled his head out of the guy's ass and realized there are other smells. such as the sewer. and garbage.#smells which he pursued quite happily much to ol ted's chagrin#meanwhile ferdinand does not think anything of edelgard's ass except that his is definitely better-looking than hers#(he's wrong on so many levels but you try telling the guy that)#in fact ferdinand has always taken great joy in pointing out all the things that smell better than edelgard does#which gives him an instant up on mr Take-Advice-From-Theodore#all this to say i think ferdinand von aegir would have been a much better president than william howard taft. that's just my opinion.#i'm getting off the rails in these tags idk what's wrong with me#sorry for equating your blorbos to long-dead american politicians everyone. i know this is a cardinal sin#also please don't take this to mean i think positively of washington or roosevelt or taft or whatever.#i hate all dead old white guys who ever held a modicum of power#i just had a hyperfixation on american presidents when i was in grade school and unfortunately now my brain works like this
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two wrongs WILL make a right! ive got another lease on life, and im using it well, who cares if this is all fucked up cause we're all GOING TO HELL! IM JUST WILLIAM WHO SHOULD BE DEAD, HAD TO FOLLOW THE THREAD, thought he was just chillin! now he is a villain! HES ALWAYS SUCH A BUMMER, HE WANTS TO TRUST HIS BROTHER WILLIAM IN A HALLWAY BY HIMSEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#william wisp#RRAAHHHHGH I KNOW THEIR LIL PARODY OF MICHEAL IN A BATHROOM OR WHATEV WAS SLIGHTLY COMEDIC. LIKE WIWI IN A HALLWAY#HAHAAA HIS NAME IS WIWI ISNT THAT FUNNY. ISNT THAT FUCKIN FUNNY. AND YYYEEEEEEEEEEETTTTT!!!#WILLIAM IS SO FUCKIN SAD DUDE... ESPECIALLY DURING THE GRAYSCALE ARC. HE REALLY THINKS HES BETTER OFF DEAD.#HIS FIRST DEATH WAS AN ACCIDENT! AND THEN HE WAS SADDLED WITH ALL SORTS OF POWERS AND RESPONSIBILITY HE DIDNT FUCKIN WAANT#AND IT TURNS OUT HES STILL DEAD! HIS BODY IS ROTTING AND FALLING APART AS WE SPEAK!! THATS SO FUCKING SCARY!!!#BUT THEN. OOOHH BUT THEN HIS WONDERFUL FRIEND DAKOTA TELLS HIM. ILL GIVE YOU MY HEART SO YOU CAN LIVE AGAIN. AND IT WORKS!!!#WILLIAM ACCEPTS LIFE AND REJECTS THE WISP POWERS AND FEELS SO SO THANKFUL TO HIS WONDERFUL BEST FRIEND DAKOTA.#A DEBT TO REPAY EVEN IF DAKOTA WILL NEVER CASH IN ON IT. HES JUST A PERFECT HERO LIKE THAT.. BUT WILLIAM.. OHH ROTTING LIL WILLIAM..#EVEN WITH NEW BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH HIM HES STILL DEAD INSIDE. HES STILL USELESS. POWERLESS. SELFISH AND IMPULSIVE AND STUPID AND JUST.#NOT A HERO. WHICH IS FINE! IF ONLY HE WAS A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO RETURN THE FAVOR TO DAKOTA THOUGH. BUT HES NOT. HE DOESNT THINK SO.#WILIAM REALLY BELIEVES THAT HE IS FORSAKING EVERY GIFT OF LIFE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN. HE THINKS HE SHOULD BE DEAD BUT HES TOO SCARED TO DIE#JUST FAR TOO SCARED.. OF EVERYTHING.... WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT BRINGS US HERE. I GUESS THE GOOD NEWS IS THEYLL FORGET.#HE JUST WANTED TO TRUST HIS BROTHER. HE WANTED TO HAVE A BROTHER AND FIX THE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AND HONESTLY?#I THINK I WOULD DO THE SAME THING IN HIS SITUATION. MAYBE USE MY WORDS BETTER BUT YKNOW. THATS HIS BROTHER!!!#OKAy okay william makes me sooo EMOTIONAL but now ill mention the ART#THIS WAS Aboutthe time i actually figured out how to draw the white streak in williams hair. IT PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH ORIGINALLY but imPROU#AND THE SHARP SPIRALS!! I LOVE THE SHARP SPIRALS. I LOVE DRAWING HIS HAIR JUST IN GENERAL... I JUS LOVE DRAWIN WIWI...#OHH And xavior... poor xavior... theyre still looking for cantrip arent they? they have no idea where she is..and DAVID YOU BIIITCH#david bell is such a good fucking antagonist. he COMPLETELY believes himself to be in the right and bizly plays him SO WELLL!!#BECAUSE HES SMART!! AND SMART PEOPLE CAN LOGIC THEIR WAY THROUGH ANYTHING! THATS WHY SMART PPL FALL INTO CULTS TOO!#BC A SMART PERSON CAN FIND A GOOD WAY TO JUSTIFY ALMOST ANYTHING TO THEMSELF. DAVID IS SMART AND THATS SCAARRYYYY...#IM So excited to see the consequences of williams actions carry on into season 3. i hope they contact allen and exavior and do. idk. someth
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will forever have a soft spot for chloe cause yeah dawg i get it we can try to avoid becoming attached out of the overwhelming fear of being abandoned again but miserably fail together
#she's not the best person ever#but no one is#and i'm not excusing a lot of her actions#like the way she acted when kate called max will always leave me biting my fist out of frustration#but people love to just stare at the surface n focus on the parts of her that aren't great#n don't bother to wonder what got her there#the part that jumps to conclusions and does things out of pure selfishness#and that part that doesn't really think things through...#like shooting that damn bumper#but i GET IT#putting so much trust and love into people just to have them disappear on you especially if you dont know if its intentional#not getting closure can do SO much damage it's not even funny#n it legit can just make you feel like an idiot when you look back like#why did i try so hard just to end up alone#like this girls life went downhill at the age of 14#she just like me fr 😭😭😭😭😭😭#no but#it's hard not to feel like the worlds against you#even at the end she acknowledges that she's been selfish#SO#i don't like believing that she chooses to be this way yknow like#i truly think that she believes acting like a hardass all the time is the only way she'll be able to get by anymore#she lost her dad n then max n then tried again with rachel and then lost her#i'd be fuckin insane too#girl just doesn't wanna be hurt anymore#there's better ways of coping and acting but overall i get where she's coming from#n ill always save her bc i genuinely believe that she deserves a second chance#to live her life and find happiness again#life is strange#chloe price
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As someone who knows nothing about Oberon but loves your art: where do I start if I want to understand your love for the man?
oh man. oh jeez ( wheezing ) haha okay. uhm. erhm. i didnt expect to get this far uhm ( shaking )
so here's the problem: oberon is from lostbelt 6, a chapter in hit gacha game fate/grand order. you can play f/go if you want and chug along to lb6 - which is unfortunately a chapter 6~ years into the game's main story. but i cannot with any sort of conscious recommend a gacha game to people.
so playing the game is one option. option two is checking out atlas academy database, a website that has all of fgo's stories and such conveniently catalogued! click 'main story' on the top of the page and it'll give you just, well, the main story.
if you want to watch the stories themselves - which at least for lostbelt 6 i highly recommend because the OST is amazing - there's also this commentary free LP on youtube that i've linked to people!
that being said that is still a lot of words to get to lostbelt 6, so- if you don't want to read everything pre-lostbelt 6, i recommend going to the typemoon wiki and reading the summary on each story pre lostbelt 6 ( so, up to lostbelt 5.5 ). just click on the link in each chart and you can find a detailed beat-by-beat summary of each chapter.
i've been told that, in all honesty, that lostbelt 6 is still enjoyable and easy to understand without full context for the outside story beats. it certainly reads like a fairly self-contained story outside a few things needed to understand why some characters are here in the first place, so i've been considering writing up a summary on just those key points / the premise to the lostbelts so that people can read that and then jump right into lostbelt 6 and love oberon...
hopefully this was helpful in any sense of the word heehe ... if you need clarification with anything feel free to send another ask !!!
lets all love oberon!!! lets all think about oberon!!!!!!
#moka rambles#historically accurate king arthur: the game#oberon! oberon!! i love oberon!!!!#^_^#sorry i feel like im rather bad with helping explain how to get into a series because i so rarely consume new content#i just kind of stick my foot into one thing and live with it ( has been into fgo since 2018 )#again lostbelt 6 is apparently just fine to understand without much other context so i gave a bunch of backlog reading but its probably not#all that necessary ^_^;;#if anyone has better tips on how to get into reading lostbelt 6#or how to get into loving oberon...#feel free to add....#edit: also ill note that while i say i dont recommend fgo Morally#immorally im one of the few people who actually really likes fgos gameplay*#*asterisk being that i dont think its good gameplay for a gacha game which requires something very flexible and its just not very flexible#but anyhow. my point being is that if you do decide to play fgo#i do think you can and will get genuine enjoyment out of it#its just a Lot to get through but its so worth it. shakes your shoulders#believe me#edit 2: ALSO THANK YOU FOR LIKING MY ART HAHAHA#thats very flattering ^_^#sorry i got so blinded by sharing my love for oberon i completely missed that i was complimented. thank you heehe
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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the problem with not having any new fics to read bc they havent been posted yet is that when Invisible Tigers Are Hunting You, there is no distraction
#this Baseless Fear that sometimes strikes me#reminding me of my mortality and making believe it is deeply immediate despite how illogical it is#Is Getting Real Fuckin Old!#i gotta grip onto the reminder that i am Only Twenty. i have my whole life ahead of me probably.#there is Time. things will get better. someday i will Accomplish Things.#i will turn around and wish i could visit past (current) me and say It Does Get Better And You Will Not Only Exist But Live. I Love You.#but for tonight i feel very small and scared#and i am using the company of videos and stories to soothe the Invisible Tigers#i think i will.... reread some fics.... perhaps...#i havent reread stamps yet.... ill go do that#get my laughingstock crumbs#ill put on birdsong in the bg#im borrowing my friends lovely headphones. i Need some of my own. earbuds just dont do it anymore#especially since theyre noise canceling. Yummy#theyre helping immensely i think#absolutely unprompted#sorry for once again Venting on Main#i am very tired and have no other outlet <3#its 4 am. i have to get up in 7 hours. i am still too terrified to sleep#but its okay its Fine this night will Pass#thats half the fear but all the same. there are Good Things in my future. i have hope theyre there. theyre waiting for me.#ill figure it out Ill Figure It Out.#we all will!#we'll all get there. someday before the end.
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@soccerpunching you're genuinely one of the best people I've met here bc you like almost every media I like
Apropos fighting. Remember when Adora jumps on Catra at Prom. Just them rolling on the floor. I wanted to draw that but didn't get round to it. The scene had such an energy
#im so so glad you like those hah#but anyways catradora and feisaru are two v personal and important ships 2 me#would you believe me if I told you I've sorta felt like drawing them in suits again#a few weeks ago#both manspreading#the problem is my head is so full of ideas and i actually suck at drawing and am slow and so my brains fastness overwhelms me sometimes#oh also im sick AGAIN so efficiency goes put the window#i also have a song that i associate w the prom redraws in particular#if i do the manspreads ill bring it up#im a bit conflicted abt the prom redraws. i used to really like them#but theyre over a year old now and its showing#how my drawings looked back then doesn't really resonate w me but the dip stays iconic#BECAUSE#i didn't think about saru's n fei's bodies any different back then. but my brain has this thing#where it distorts my drawings and makes them look broader than they really are in my head? and#then i look at the drawings again after a month and it goes holy shit last time i looked you werent looking like stickmen#but im better than this now#my drawings cause me less eye cancer now#i wanna get that violet suit finally. have wanted it for years#also that one thing where saru gets manhandled. it originally had more blush#man im not rereading im going to sleep
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Okay, see, the thing about your story ending on a negative/dystopian/'despite everything that's happened nothing has changed in society' note and doing so successfully? It needs to have been set up for that in the first place, and it needs to be done in an intentional manner.
I have nothing against works that reinforce how cruel/meaningless/pointless/etc. the world is -- I enjoy a fair few! -- but the works themselves need to be some sort of commentary about it; the plot might be demonstrative of the futility of everything, but the story never should. It should take that and build on it and use it to make a statement, underscore a point, etc. to its readers. Having everything carry on business-as-usual without acknowledging it, especially in a genre that's generally meant to conclude on optimistic, uplifting, and hopeful notes, comes off as callous and in direct opposition with the values it extols.
Plus, the story itself should never be futile because, then, well, it never mattered as a work and it makes no difference if you've read it or not. Which... that's just a badly written story lmao.
#i can't believe i'm posting about this topic again on our dear hellsite tungle.com lmao#huge deja vu vibes what year is it????#2018/2019??#(i think that's when the shock value/genre hopping/genre inconsistency hit its peak across multiple series)#i don't even go here anymore omfg#man. i didn't think i'd get this upset#that's what i get for going to look#i should know better by now. really. there's no excuse.#y'all my curiosity one day will kill me.#but like. i'm not upset as in 'i'm so angry i will fight everything'#that was past me#we've blown right past that and gone straight to the 'vaguely ill and sick to my stomach' stage#character development XDD#but like sorry not sorry explain away all you want about *gestures to all the other stuff*#but how the fuck do you explain having the visual emotional and narrative focal point of that family in its concluding panels#be the person who caused this shit???? why is he the one getting closure????#pretty sure i don't have the entire context surrounding my other lad who got pulvarized#(i saw a few comments about something something of//a would help with the end of the world that's coming and instead was used to murder him#that i don't quite grasp because i literally just skimmed the most recent chapters out of curiosity due to things i saw on my dash)#BUT i am making the executive decision to stop here#this rabbit hole's deep enough and i've gone wayyy further than i should have already#gonna cook some dinner; pick up sis from work; and enjoy my summer evening on my balcony#GAH#withoutwords
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it'll all be okay because there's only one more day left in the school week and after that it'll be the weekend. wait no what do you mean after the weekend I'll just have to go back to school? what do you mean the cycle of going to school and coming back home completely worn out is gonna continue?
#mole talks#ive been back in school for..... one week.#im so tired i can't stop feeling tired all of the time now this is horrible#i have to walk around school so much and im forved to be around other people anf its just exhausting#for me school would be better if they removed all social aspects#and all you would have to do is work and you wouldn't have to see other people ever#(apart from the teacher who is teaching you about the subject)#because if theres no forced socialisation that also means....... my classmates would never be ableist towards me again#:[ i can't believe i have to continue going to school#and ill probably have to continue going for many years to come#i hate how much it wares me out. i was si productive during the summer but now im not at all#and i JUST started school. it only gets worse from here#i just wanna learn. i dont want some annoying kid to call me slurs#i dont want to wear a uniform that makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin#i dont wanna walk around the corridors feeling like everybody is staring at me and judging me#i dont want to go home feeling too weak and tired to do anything#i just want to learn stuff#i don't think i even really care about how going to school is good for my future because i don't know whats in the future for me#i just want to learn things in the present#:[#wow i have a lot of homework i need to do. i say i don't mind the work but i haven't finished all of this yet so maybe im just lying#im gonna cry. i dont want to go back to school tomorrow i dont want to be surronded by people who hate what i am#but also i dont want the teachers to infantalise me anymore! im not a kid. im 16. treat me like everybody else im not a kid#why am i crying into the tumblr void again
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crazy how i have no one
#like yes i have my internet friends and i adore them ofc#but i have no fucking one irl#and i mean no one. my mom’s side of the family is all dead and the other side is uber christian and doesnt give a fuck about us#i only have my brother#and i need help and support so horribly bad but i wasnt there for him when he needed me#so why the hell should he be there for me. he shouldnt#im going to have to rely on myself this time and i cant do that#i dont trust or believe in myself whatsoever#i think im fucking horrible and useless and repulsive#and idk how to be nice to myself bc ive never felt that and i dont know how to self soothe#i dont have the energy physically or mentally or emotionally to learn#and idk what to lean on anymore if i want to quit abusing substances#realized recently how much i do that.#and for how long. a decade. ive been acting like a 13 yo this whole time#idk how to move past and grow up. god i absolutely need to see my therapist again. if she’ll have me#i fear ill be rejected tho ive left and came back several times and last time she said ‘ofc ill take you back youre my person’#whatever that means. ive been an anomaly to every therapist/psych ive been to apparently they all mention how weird i am and how they cant#figure me out. like damn me too doc!#i want to email her so bad but i wont be able to see her until my insurance goes thru and i dont want to get free labor out of her if i dump#all the trauma ive sustained since i last saw her on her yw#but i want to get better i dont want to live like this anymore i cant do it#any of it#my coping mechanisms are all self destructive and i want to grow past that#but i need help and i dont have it. not really#whatever i guess. first step call and see wtfs going on w my insurance#i feel like i need help even for that . i feel so utterly incapable of everything snd i always have#i can do it. i can do it
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#personal#i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed#but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much#theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is#if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical#which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path#to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but#ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that#i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope#hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up#with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot#please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please#im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation#but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated#i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮💨#and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today#then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after#i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much#help me im drowning
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"luffy has never been wrong once in his whole life ever, actually" -me, a person who's perfectly aware luffy has consistently been completely wrong more often than he's ever been even just partly right
#i just reread the fight with usopp i have thoughts and feelings okay#not too long ago I read someone say that luffy was as wrong in that fight as usopp was but honestly? no he wasn't#he was right he was correct he didn't do anything wrong#when you reread the beginning of op in a row like this you really notice this I'm telling you#everything luffy goes through is to make him a better captain#until the time skip i believe but I'll be sure once i get there again#but yes#keeping vivi so long on the crew fighting people in a leader position even foxy's games#it's all to make him understand what it truly means to be a good leader#right before the fight with usopp iceburg tells luffy he should be ashamed to act like that as a captain#then usopp gets hurt and luffy makes his choice#he thought about it and he was Right#he acted like he did to appear sure and reliable but he was hurting and he did say as much#usopp was the only one of the two being unreasonable I'll die on this ill#taking that choice and fighting that fight was one of the most captain things luffy has ever done#he was!!!!! right!!!!!!
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in the midst of a little depressive episode at the moment I fear and it's causing me to Ponder... in a weird way I'm almost grateful. like this is UNBELIEVABLY better than it used to be, even as much as it sucks in the moment. I wish I could go back to find myself at twelve years old hiding out in the school toilets and tell them that as long as we stick it out for long enough then one day the outsize bad emotions will be triggered by actual definable events and they'll be a noticeable change from our baseline. I'm not ✨recovered✨ and I don't know if I ever will be - I think I might have spent too many developmental years creating terrible patterns and associations to be able to straighten it all out - but it's Better and I'm able to know that it can continue to get better, too. and that's fucking huge.
#fay gets uncomfortably personal on her video game blog. NOT SORRY.#idk it's just crazy to think about#I really struggle to tap into this space enough to remember when I'm not actively in it#but I was SO FUCKING SICK back then. I was a child. and I was so fucking ill. I didn't know how young I was and I didn't realise how#disturbing it would feel down the line#(obviously. you don't lie down on the road in the middle of the night thinking 'I can't wait to suddenly remember this moment#in several years so it can become a sticking point in my psyche')#but like. that's my brother's age that's my sister's age I work with kids that age and it's so fucking young! and I'm so young now!#and I bet in five years I'll be going 'what a small little child... crazy' all over again#but like. idk. I was SO ILL. and I don't think it's like people say they thought they'd be dead by a certain age#it was a possibility for me but not an inevitability#but I don't think that I could have foreseen being better#in such a material way. you know. like I can't imagine myself ever fully healthy#or as close as anyone can get. I've had all this shit for so long. the idea of not carrying it anymore is honestly unappealing#like what would I even do without it. who would I be. how could that possibly happen#but this shit is BELIEVABLE. it's not gone it's just better and when it crops up I can deal#and I wish I could take the me of back then by the shoulders and say THIS IS NOT FOREVER!!!!!!!#ride it out long enough and you'll learn to live with it!!!!!!!!#it's just. really fucking huge. and I am so grateful#peace and love on planet earth!!!!
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