#but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much

[princessmyriad]

.

[fairyiatlotl]

The Vampire That Longs For Mirror

There are three things you should know about me.

Im a vampire (hot scary fanged immortals that live on blood as in blood).

My name is Zhae (Its pronounced as Zshay, so please dont try pronouncing any other way).

And I have a huge butt (well the story is all about this).

Have you ever looked at the sky at night? Bet you would have been awed by the sight of it – bet you would have tried tracing out the zodiac signs – bet you would have tried spotting your zodiac and had felt happy about it – bet you would have had told the special characterstics of it and how it miraculously fit your description –bet you would have done all that and happily felt categorised into something that you feel proud to be born in.

Have you ever looked into the mirror? – Naked? Bet you would have hesitated a moment – bet you would have hated that one extra flab coming out – bet you would have hated how your bones are all that was visible – bet you would have hated the way your boobs dont grow the size they should – bet you would have hated the large butt that swings every damn time you walk – bet you would have hated those eyebrows out of proportion – bet you would have hated the way your underarm hair left a dark patch – bet you would have compared yourself to a thousand other people – bet you would have felt ashamed of yourself and what you have made yourself into – bet you would have asked yourself when is your body going to be happy – bet you would have done all that and still ignored the clitoris that you are supposed to be proud to be born with.

Thats how stupid we are; letting our zodiac signs make us feel happy about us while letting the mirror NOT feel happy about us. And I know this because once upon a time I used to think in this exact same way until one day I woke up seventeen and a vampire. And boy was I happy! Nope this aint Twilight, who am I kidding? – I mean I was kind of hysterically happy but for just a second. The belief that vampires are godly beautiful made me expect miraculous changes until I realised Ive not turned into a Beyonce-bod vampire but am forever trapped into a Beyonce-bod that weighs 80 kgs. So Congratulations to me! Am no more a mortal endomorph! Hurray! The vampire beauty curse epically punctured my gorgeous body dream! – I became a fat-ass immortal. Period.

Coming from a society where fit figure is an aspect of befitting element, do you realise how much stress would you go through once you realised that you are gonna be trapped for the rest of your immortal life in the body that you fed for seventeen heavenly years of your life – its like having permanent thyroid problem – its like being trapped in those epic novels that you love. Yea so I got trapped in my True Blood. I got trapped in my jeans. I got trapped in my body. And it sucked.

The next few days after my transition the thought of being forever fat did not even cross my mind. The funny thing was, I was reminded by the ignorants of this society that I could never ever wear a twenty six waist jeans. It was Aunt Shinzah; shes a dreamy doll aunt – everyone loves her; shes too pretty and too sweet, unfortunately she is too determined to make each and everyone happy. We were in the living room and she and her husband; Uncle Drad came for tea. I sat with the family to entertain them and while we were in a full swing of laughter and fun she said; Oh Baby! You look like you lost some pretty weight. Oh darling! You wait – youll lose weight as soon as you enter college; youll be as pretty as a sunshine; she passed me a smile. I felt so happy that she thought I lost some weight (should have known it was because I had starved for a week). My glass of delusion was cracked by Rob (the guy who apparently turned me into a vampire because he was too high to remember) who I met the very next day. He got scared at how pathetic I looked; I happily smiled and said that I was losing. He smirked at my foolish conclusions; No – youre hungry. Youre not losing weight. Gawd youre a vampire – you are never losing weight. Your body is frozen; I remember that day well and clear, I remember how the taste of my throat changed from sweet to vomit-like. I remember the guilt face of Rob as how he noticed my hurt. That day I killed my first human: He was a forty five year old drunkard that had abandoned his wife and children while he ogled every piece of an ass that walked by the 56th Bay street (and yes I am trying to justify my kill with this one sentence). He was eating Lays with booze; my hunger hormones couldnt resist. That day I felt pathetic at my existence. I actually wished for death – just walking and sitting made me feel ashamed of myself. But I couldnt ignore the fact that my body felt strong and healthy and ALIVE! That day I got the taste of human blood. It was irresistibly Lays-like!

The feeling of being the object of fun is one dark feeling induced by shallow mindedness. That day nothing was wrong; all was normal, I was infact happy and feeling healthy until my math period. The teacher had some grudge against me; reason to which was anonymous to me. He asked for our assignments, he started scolding each and every student in line; my heart was already in my throat I knew that he was going to scold me for no reason. He was a bully, what do you expect of him! He atlast came across me. He looked at me from under his bushy eyebrows, he radiated disgusted criticism and mean looks and then he came on at me (and am the vampire here!) he started yelling at me – he told me how pathetic my work is, that he would better thrash me on the floor ten times than better ever check my assignment ever again (by the way that assignment was an obsolete method of wasting mind, time and energy). This was not it. The next day when I entered class, he was filling some health forms. He came across my name and started laughing; Zhea huh! Even shes gonna write her weight here atlast; he laughed in his evilish snort and some of the front benchers joined him. What are you Zhea? An eighty or a hundred? soon the whole class joined in his act of evilness.

The next day he died in a sudden accident he met on the mid-way road that leaves the city (I wish this guy drowns in the pits of hell – I wish the Satan takes his personal interest in him and gut him with his pitch fork until he drowns in the lavas of the hell!). Dont judge me, he was the one at fault. I thought his death would stop my body shaming and public bullying. I was wrong. Everyone had started looking at me/my ass as an object of laughter by that time. Why wouldnt they? Well when the elders of the society take pleasure in this why shouldnt they? After all its the elders and teachers we look up to. It all came to an end. Even my distant hearing capability became a nuisance to me. I could hear boys talk about butts, I could hear girls talk about the methods to avoid a butt like mine. I could hear girls search over net the category to which my butt belonged to. I apparently fit into the peach figure among several other types: hour glass, straight line, inverse peach blah blah blah! It was there all over internet; the figure categorization of a womens body that is indirectly set for pleasing the patriarchs of our society. So much for gender equality!

The most pathetic part was, I was letting myself being treated that way; I being the vampire did not retaliate or infact confront anyone coming over to me and making fun of my so called healthiness (bullies gave me nicknames like fatty or dinosaur while friends gave me the consolatory adjectives like healthy; ironic right?). But believe me this was nothing to the final act that actually made me hate myself – the funny thing was it was an inanimate object that told me that I absolutely wasnt meant to fit in this society. It was just one chair – a students chair which had a side swing table hinged to it; I sat on it – I didnt fit. So I tried and when I fit I realised I was stuck; by the end of the class I struggled but then when the bell rung I awkwardly tried getting off the chair and then I heard; Look look Hahaha Hehehe God Am so happy to be me today; all the snickering, sniggering, simpering and whispering of all forty five fellow mates got me. It got me and thats when it happened – I lost it.

Seventeen years of my life I had been hearing people wait for me to get slim and pretty, seventeen years of my life Ive heard my father call me with funny names, seventeen years of my life Ive heard my sister flaunt me her figure and give me goals to reach, seventeen years of my life Ive been hit with comments and been joked about, seventeen years Ive been asked to dress myself in a way that nobody could see the fat-flesh of mine, seventeen years Ive cried about the fact I bloat even when my diet is exactly the same amount like any other persons, seventeen years Ive actually never looked into the mirror with pride and glory or in a way that I feel happy about myself or my body, seventeen years Ive felt ashamed of my ass and me, seventeen years were given to me to change myself. SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS IVE BEEN GIVEN THE CHANCE TO BE SOMEONE THAT THIS SOCIETY WANTED ME TO BE! Still it took the curse of eternity to make me realise to love me. How foolish we humans are, right?

The following days were followed by insidious depression. Vampire depressions are worse than human depressions they are like black holes that temporarily feel likely to be filled by the lust of human blood, but as soon as you hunt one down another appears for more – its actually a black hole in me that build: consuming every inch of me per person I killed. The depression was a slow perpetual intricate build up. It first started with the reckless killing of animals, then isolated hobos and then it lashed out as the most horrifying thing you could ever imagine. I started cutting myself. How? Well it started when I slit off my extra flesh in the shower. It hurt me like hell but it was the best way to release my anger and anxiety – the best way to punish myself for having flabs. Once I had cut myself, I would heal but I always ended up being hungrier and so I had to go hunting again. Soon it became my daily cycle. Nobody knew it, nobody noticed it. And why would they? Everyone was too busy feigning happiness and I was too busy killing mine.

Breaking away from my beloved cycle wasnt a choice. Rob found me one day all bloody and weak. This time it went far; I could have actually have actually died (could you believe that!) but luckily Rob smelled leakage of blood and he came running to my bedroom. He was horrified by the sight. He found me in my tub; I wasnt dead, just numb; all my blood was in the tub. Soon I lost conscience; when I opened my eyes again I found myself on the bed. I wasnt feeling hungry like the other times I felt. I was feeling physically normal. The sun was shining and it all came back – the frustration, depression, anger, hurt, hate. I again felt pathetic about myself. While my mind wandered in the dark miasma that I had created inside my head, my eyes wandered around the room; I saw a flower pot by the open window. That was different since I didnt keep a flowerpot by my window. It must have been mom, I thought.

Hey dumbhead; a voice came from the door; Mazie was standing there. Mazie is my Nana – we dont call her Nana for some specific reason that even we are oblivious to. Mazie? What are you doing here? I looked at her; I felt the warmth that she radiated.

Dont ask me silly questions! You were out for a whole godamn week and you ask me why am here? You gotta be kiddin me! Now get up and get ready we are going for shopping Mazie is one stubborn Nana – she has got my genes of holding onto things and being stubborn about them. What shopping? I asked with absolute confusion.

Well bikini shopping – we are going to the beach tomorrow; she gave me her Cheshire cat smile as she crossed the room and checked the flowers. It was she who got them.

Bikini shopping? I must confess she is the only living person that is scarier than a vampire after a hunger strike; I dont do bikini shopping; I answered with a wavering voice. Mazie looked at me with sceptic eyes and sighed heavily; Well! Its about time that you start doing it; she raised her eyebrow. I felt my cheeks flush. Bikini shopping? How could I do that? I hated my body. I hated myself. I felt pathetic and embarrassed about it. My eyes widened and I could feel tears brimming my eyes; I cant do that; I heard my voice mumble.

Yes you can! You in fact will; Mazie raised her head and I could see her poker face; Zhae – its just a bikini; she took the flower pot and moved towards me; Dont let a piece of cloth weigh you down; she kept the flowerpot next to me and patted my cheeks. They knew.

That day we went for bikini shopping and spa. I had no idea what was happening or what was going to happen tomorrow. The bikini was good but I again felt embarrassed about my weight. The spa on the other hand made me feel heaven like; I could feel my body relax. The next day I wore a long baggy shirt over my bikini. Mazie didnt say anything just gave me a look. I looked around and saw people playing and having fun in their shorts and bikinis; they looked gorgeous. But then I noticed something; I noticed a man with a big belly playing with his seven year old daughter, I noticed an old women rub sunscreen on herself, I noticed a women of twenties with a bulging belly run down the beach with her sister who apparently had the biggest breasts Ive ever seen, I noticed a boy with absolutely no flesh on him sit on the life guard post, I noticed chubby boys eat popsicles, I noticed a child rolling down the sand mount, I saw people getting wet as the waves hit the shore, I saw life happening around me and I felt so aloof and sad. I again felt angry but this time I wasnt angry at the society for not treating me well – I felt angry at myself for waiting for the society to treat me well. I immediately got up and walked away to the shops nearby. I entered a shady lane and cried my eyes out. I felt so agitated and irritated and so annoyed that I wanted to just end everything. I hated being a vampire, I hated being cursed with this body; I wanted to stop my misery. I wanted to know how was everyone on the beach confident enough to stand straight and play and enjoy; I wanted to know the secret because I also wanted to wear bikini freely; I also wanted to be a part of this happiness that everyone seem to radiate. I had to see how bad I looked – I needed to analyse and accept how I looked and moreover I wanted to see why it mattered to me to look Barbie perfect for wearing a bikini on a beach. I needed to know.

After a while I got up and roamed around the lanes, and there I saw something that induced a spectacular idea in my head. I entered a sketch shop. I took off my top and paid for a bikini portrait of mine. I still remember that one hour of portrait making – that one hour of exposing myself to me. It gave me the acceptance I needed. That one hour was totally worth it. When I came out with my sketch I smiled. I saw a piece of a bikini body that was made by an artist. I saw a piece of an art, I saw myself reflected in that small piece of paper and it made me feel so true and so important for some reason. The very sketch made each and every cell in my body release endorphins. I fell in love with my portrait. It was a fine feeling, tears brimmed my eyes and I hugged it. It felt good to make yourself feel mattered. Thats what I had to learn to finally accept myself. I analysed as I went down to the beach that I did not look bad at all, I looked okay, absolutely fabulous! In fact I looked really beautiful and confident. I seemed normal. I seemed human.

That day was my first day to ever walk on beach with only bikini on. Mazie was proud. And I prouder. I atlast had found my mirror.

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington