#and you are on so many pain meds
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My mom, two days off a hemorrhagic stroke: It’s frustrating because I keep forgetting where the correct buttons are and the screen makes my headache worse, but I did manage to send six work emails this morning, arranged a discussion on the website redesign, moved that talk with the associate dean about my job title to Zoom--
#medical#personal#hi if i'm either much more on or much more off tumblr for a bit this is why#anyway i am beyond thrilled she’s doing so well but ma’am#ma’am you are getting visions of pinwheels behind your eyes every time someone has to turn on a light#and a splitting headache after#and you are on so many pain meds#please just get some rest#if you have to send emails at least let me type them for you#god she's stubborn i love her so much#fleet post
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you know. fandom is so fun when you have like. ten or so specific people to participate in it with. even if there's just the one. theres something very cool and special about creating, whether art or music or writing fics, alongside a group of people who are all insane about the same thing you are. its a strange kind of vulnerability and openness and love. id write a novel for my friends if they asked
#hi im on pain meds and incredibly tired and loopy shdhjsd this probably doesnt make any sense#FANDOM FRIENDS ARE JUST COOL OK#IVE MET SO MANY NEAT PPL#ALL CONNECTED BY THE LOVE OF SOMETHING#MEDIA OR OTHERWISE#and even if we dont talk often i think about a lot of you fondly#i dont. make friends easily. trying 2 change that#caspost#anyways. falls off the stage and dies#1 more day til i can get these goddamn drains out and actually see. MY CHEST#gonna spend tomorrow writing silly things for my friends i think (:
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i, chronic migraine sufferer, when i dont have a migraine for a couple days will go. wow i think i am fixed now and will never have a migraine again :) and then i get a migraine and i go >:O however could this happen to me!!! nobody could see this coming!! least of all me!!
#this time it for some reason also brought with it a HIP PAIN FLAREUP. URGH#to be clear theyre not CONFIRMED chronic - theres criteria for how many days a month you have to have them etc - but like#with how often i have them and how severe they are i am willing to call them that even before ive counted this entire month#its EIGHT days out of the month. EIGHT. thats NOTHING#(and fifteen with headaches. but i have headaches every single day so)#z talks#I am in so much fucking pain its not even funny#really i should like. get off my phone. but i think im afraid to let go of the distraction mayhe#jesus fucming christ#waugh. someone care for me 😔 kiss my forehead nbring me. medication#if youve gone on 2 dates with someone. can you. ask them to get you pain meds. (i would pay obviously.) she is my closest friend in this Fuc#king Cit#y
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)
Hey hey hey
May I interest you in
(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)
Teehee
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#i love this au very yummy. a very fun twist on how Flower's dynamic with their parents would progress afterwards#the vessels live but the void exits their bodies in quite a violent manner (extreme pain and literally throwing up an entire person worth of#void). Flower was on guard duty and theyre found barely conscious in a pool of rapidly evaporating void. passes out seconds later#PK also had the displeasure of experiencing extene pain and burning as void forced its way out through his skin <3 And his moulds all melted#and evaporated. after the initial shock wears off theyre hit with “Oh No#the vessel“ and rush to find them. Well somebody else was already looking for the royal pair about this#Flower wakes up dazed and in pain in their father's workshop. their stomach hurts their throat burns and they feel lightheaded. the entire#place is considerably brighter than they remember and in they can hear two faint voices in the background but theyre too preoccupied with#examining their now pure white hand in shock to focus on anything else. until they hear their mother say “My wyrm they're awake” and#suddenly their parents are by their side. Now the two have no idea what void leaving their body might have done to them. Are they still#hollow? are they still dead? do they understand anything are they sentient? or was what was done pernament even without the void? do they#have the mind of a child if their sentience was restored? or do they remember anything? So WL stays by their side and helps them sit up#while their father goes to grab his tools. She's trying to keep them calm and comfort them but theyre still too disoriented to pay her much#attention. Until their father checks their breathing and they yelp audibly from the cool metal contacting their skin and suddenly they seem#much more alert. theyve never experienced true coldness before. PK quickly apologises and tries to be gentler with them. Theyre breathing#properly and they have a heartbeat. And he just pauses for a long while just. listening to their heart beating. Many emotions to be had#after the exam's over he asks them point blank how theyre feeling. And Flower looks up at him still seeming a little disoriented. and then#they lower their hand to their stomach and mutter 'My tummy hurts...a-and my throat burns'. It's to be expected after the way the void#left their body. so he goes to grab them some water and meds and they also ask for food and a mirror. And after he returns they just stare#at themself in the mirror and pull on their bangs for a while then blurt out 'I have your eyes' when PK asks if everything's okay. And he#and he almost chokes up as he replies 'Yeah...Yeah you do'. Flower eventually spins a lie that they remember everything but its all distant#and blurry. Like they were not aware until now. They figured it'd be better to not break their hearts#And now the three have to figure out how to be a family while PK is also scrambling to find a new solution to the infection#oops i meant to only give a brief rundown in the tags which is why it was in the tags. but i got too invested KDHDKFB
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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healing from brain damage is definitely the worst injury ive ever had to heal from so far 😞 this shit is so difficult yall
#tiny bit of my long med history for context:#i have broken my collarbone#i have had my face mauled by a dog where i had to Literally Physically tear it off my face#it locked its jaw around my nose and upper lip#i got like 10 stitches and they had to super glue my nose back together#but uhhhhhh#i got a concussion as a kid that went untreated because our healthcare system is so underfunded and understaffed#and that turned into what the doctors call ''functional nausea and vomiting disorder''#then on monday i got another concussion at work#and holy shit.#second-impact syndrome is a BITCH#im in so much pain if i use my brain at all#hey other dissociative people: you've dissociated from your body but have you ever had to dissociate from your brain?#or is this what being forcefully locked at the front and locked out of headspace feels like?#i think this might be worse though because i cant think at allllllllllllllllllllll#i get delirious if i try 😔#this is so hard#i sobbed in the shower over it for like 30 minutes today lol#i had to sit down in the middle of my shower and it was so hard yall#im trying to hard not to spiral#being vulnerable and putting this on my main instead of hiding it on one of my many many sideblogs#(jsyk if youve read this far then youre allowed to ask me what my active sideblogs are. dms and asks are open)#(@queerlyneurotic is one of my vents and where i usually put sad shit. you get a freebie for reading this.)
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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good news, bad news.
good news is that my mom is released from the hospital on friday!
bad news is that i'm on day five of recurring migraine, and can't make it there in time to help. like, i would have needed to do preparations these past five days to be able to go.
truly wretched, how disability affects your ability to help loved ones, huh
#tho on the other hand#at least this way mom is hopefully less inclined to try and go downstairs against doctor's orders#utterly unstoppable#meanwhile i'm here and my whole nervous system has been whisked up and made into egg drop soup#five days is such a long time. so many tasks need to get done#i tried to do chores you know? but it just made the pain spike through the meds#gahh#im also so bored. need to find smth to Consume#currently debating rewatching an elden ring letsplay or a d20 season
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They simply must invent a medication to prescribe me that fucking does it's goddamn job
#WHO AMONG YOU HAS THE BRAVERY TO PRESCRIBE ME VICODIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i miss vicodin so much.#drs r crazy#awwww you have debilitating chronic pain that requires surgery and u have tried multiple chiros and pts and acupuncturists and the muscle#relaxers did nothing and ur taking as many otc painkillers as u can? that rly sucks :( nothing more to do...#KILL YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#what i'm rly mad abt rn is my stupid fucking anti-depressant and insomnia med. i think my psychiatrist is a stupid bitch and maybe i should#get a new one. useless woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!#personal log#logged#vibes
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finally processing that we're probably gonna have to have these teeth removed with either sedation or general anaesthetic and unfortunately I have a phobia of both of these to the point where just thinking about it gives us panic attacks and I genuinely don't know what to do because I absolutely want to avoid this at all costs but we also might not have any other option
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#there is no amount of comfort or reassurance that can make me feel okay being sedated#like it's not even that I'm scared of side effects or risks or anything#I just can't even begin to express how much I absolutely do not want someone giving me a drug that's going to make me drowsy and incoherent#and also not remember anything afterwards#the premise of a stranger giving me a drug that's going to fuck up my ability to process anything or remember any of what happened#feels so incredibly violating and awful#like yes it's a medical context. yes I know it's so they can do the treatment. yes I know I'm supposed to trust them or whatever#but our brain doesn't process it like that. it's a stranger drugging you. that's terrifying regardless of the context#and given how much medical trauma we have and how awful some medical professionals have been to us#it happening in a medical context actually makes me feel worse#once again I'm not even necessarily scared of anything bad happening#even if you could absolutely guarantee that nothing bad would happen I would not be okay with it in the slightest#it's specifically the idea of my consciousness not being under my control#I take co-codamol for pain and that can make me drowsy and incoherent and fuck up my memory#but that's me choosing when to take it and how much to take and being able to stay away from people if I feel like I need to#and being able to make notes about what I've done and stuff like that#and there's a huge difference between that and being in a clinic having a procedure where you can't just get up and leave#and someone else is administering the meds and choosing the dosage and you're not the one in control of this situation#this makes me sound like a control freak and yeah I probably am#but that's kind of what haappens when you've had your bodily autonomy violated so many times by so many people
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okay dyl out. goodnight gay people in my phone
#txt#gonna go think about men who giggle now (my fiance)#wajt stop im on so many pain meds rn and im nearly in tears why are theyso cute. why. why#im a girl who chuckles. mfw my boy giggles in his dumb ass little irritating cute fucking way i HATE him#just like hehehehehe :3 and im like SHUT UP. IM GOING TO CARRY YOU AROUND IN A PURSE#💍
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Me: The migraines are getting better! :D
The Migraines: No the fuck we are not
Me, in pain: They’re. Getting. Better.
The Migraines: Suffer
Me: If I say it enough, it'll be true
#shit post#almoat 800 people are following me you all get to suffer for it :D#no but I have migraines every day#i wake up with them consistently#after an hour or two they go away for a bit#usually after Ive been awake 5 hours they come back#I can only take so many different OTC headache meds before it becomes dangerous#like#I already gave myself ulcers because of it#which#seriously ulcers dont even register on my pain scale i didnt even know I had them#the migraines arent my only issue just the one people have the easiest time understanding typically#theres also the light headedness#the near fainting sometimes when I wake up and move#the consistent nausea thats been around so long my hunger cues are permanently fucked up#the concerning weakness and general aches everywhere#BUT#my migraines dont feel AS BAD as they did over the weekend#SO THATS GOOD#its hurts rn though but it waited awhile to get to 'my skull is slowly fracturing' level so im proud of my body#also dont tell me to drink water I drink more water in a day than my entire generation does in a week im VERY hydrated
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.
#personal#lmao around this time last year i decided to give up on him n LMAO girl if only you knew#i should have just talked to him but djdjjdjdjd idk it felt weird. but he even like. complained one time that we didnt talk all summer#like LMAO..... bro its two ways. u could have messaged me too xjdjjdjdjdj#tho to be fair i think he did show up to a dinner but i wasnt there bc i had just had wisdom tooth surgery n was 1. blown up like a balloon#and 2. so high on pain meds i couldnt function JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ#n e way whatever jdjdjdjd im just laughing at myself bc how did this man become my closest friend from college Zhfnnddnnd#our relationship is so weird. not in a bad way but in an unexpected way#we sat beside each other an entire semester n never talked til the last day like thats so FUNNY IDK#i even said to him that time. bc we were talkin in the hallway n went to sit for the exam n sat in our regular spots of being one seat awa#y and i was like... you know its so funny that we sat beside each other all semester and only talked today#and he was like.... hahha yeah#i was gonna introduce myself but it felt so stupid JDJJDJDJD#i didnt even know his name LMAO#i had him narrowed down to 2 names. bc he was one of like 2 guys that Always showed up in another class' zoom#and LOL i was right. he WAS one of those 2 shjdjsjsj#n e way. then the next sem came n i didnt know whether to say hi to him or not bc we talked ONCE#and i was still wearing my mask at this point and so id try to smile at him with my eyes but never got a response HDNJDJD and so i got soooo#annoyed with him. and even more so bc i kept making friends with ppl and they KNEW HIM??? and i was like WHO IS THIS????#then one time he came up to me n my friends before class n we just talked and i was like o lmao this annoyance im having??? its a big ole#crush BDNNDNDND#and in community college its hard to like. know ppls ages and that day i found out he was 2 years younger so i was like o ok 26 n 28 isnt#bad at all#but thinking back.... first things we exchanged that time was age and i think he was also trying to fish for whether i was single bc he was#talkin about this other guy havin a baby n a wife n i was like o wow !! i didnt know!!#jdjxjdjdjdk god when he found out my age he was like... oh i never would have guessed you were older. you look young ZFHJDJDJDJDJD#oh so you were Looking is that right HJXJXJXJZJZJ GOD LMAO#i look back on so many moments n im like oh duh... he must be interested#but for me its like. i will literally more easily believe literally any other theory so i thought he just liked one of my friends Zhjxjx#ya i dont think so anymorem but i thought that up until like mid january HDHXJJXJDDJJDJ
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I neeeeeeed to get more energyyyyyyy
#im sorry to the many friends who i have just completely fuckin ghosted for MONTHS#im waiting on getting a spinal cord stimulator which will hopefully reduce my pain#and in the meantime my meds are staggared weird because theres been shortages#so i havent been able to manage my pain#and thus i am Dead In Bed 24/7#but i love you i miss you and i promise im workin on it
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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