#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me

[lesbiansanemi]

I'm so tired

[cali-holland]

Scares- Tom Holland One Shot

Pairing: Tom Holland X Reader

Requested by Anonymous: Hi! Can I request a Tom Holland x reader oneshot where they've been dating for around 2 years, she's been feeling ill recently and hasn't thought much of it, but one day when she's with Tom and his family she passes out and at the hospital is diagnosed with Cancer? And Tom stays with her throughout everything until she passes away. thank you

Prompt: You thought it was just a pregnancy scare, but it was so much more.

Word Count: 1800

Warnings: hella sad, pregnancy scare, mentions of sex/STDs, cancer, hospital scene

A/N: I didn’t feel comfortable writing a death scene, so it’s kind of an open ending

Masterlist   Tom Holland Masterlist

*Gif is not mine*

~~~

“Are you sure about this?” Your best friend asked you, pacing a little as she waited for you in the hallway.

“I’m late. What else could it be?” You replied, unlocking the bathroom door to let her come inside. She sighed and stepped inside. You set the small pregnancy test near the sink, waiting for it to show you the results.

Normally, you wouldn’t immediately attest your period being a few days late to a pregnancy scare, but lately, you’d been nauseous, fatigued, bloated, and you even had strange food aversions- all things you knew to be signs of pregnancy. You intended to go on the pill a while ago, but you never got around to seeing your gynecologist about it and now you really wish you had.

You’d been with Tom for 2 years- today was your anniversary, in fact, but that didn’t mean either of you were ready for a baby. He was busy with work, his career was taking off and jetting him to different corners of the world monthly. And you weren’t ready for the life of a single mother if he left you.

“It should be done by now.” Your friend spoke up, yet neither of you dared to look at it.

“I can’t look.” You said quietly, fearing the worst. She looked at the test and let out a sigh of relief.

“Negative.” She smiled softly. You weren’t pregnant, and you couldn’t be more relieved from the news.

“Thank god.” You breathed out, “You don’t think I should take another one, do you?”

“Look, you’re probably just stressed. It’s normal for your period to be a little bit late. And maybe you ate something that didn’t quite sit well the other night.” She reassured you. 

“You’re right. I’m just overreacting.” You shook your head and threw away the test.

“When’s the last time you two-?”

“This morning.��� You admitted, making her laugh. “It’s our anniversary.” You insisted, before adding, “It kind of hurt though.”

“I don’t need to know how rough your morning was.” She stated.

“No, not like that. It was painful, and that’s not normal.”

“Isn’t that an STD symptom, not a pregnancy symptom?”

“Shit, I hope not.” Hearing the front door open, you knew Tom was home from his meeting with his manager and you should probably get ready for your date.

“I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything.” Your friend gave you a quick hug before leaving, greeting Tom briefly as she left. You let out a groan, leaning against the counter as you felt a wave of nauseous hit you.

“Everything alright, darling?” Tom asked from the doorway, confused as to why your friend had been over unexpectedly and why you were in the bathroom. The moment you saw him, all concerns about the pregnancy scare left your mind.

“Yeah, it’s fine. How’d the meeting go?” You smiled, forcing the nausea away. Tom wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a kiss.

“So boring, but we got some dates lined out for next year. I gotta take a quick shower, and then we’ll go to dinner?”

“Sounds like a plan.” You gave him another kiss before exiting the bathroom to get ready in your room.

You were finishing your makeup at your vanity a few minutes later, wearing a red dress that Tom had gotten for you, when he called out to you from the bathroom.

“Yes?” You asked and he opened the door, a towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets falling from his curls.

“Did you- did you take a pregnancy test?” His voice faltered a little, nodding back at the trashcan in the bathroom.

“Um, yeah,” You admitted, standing from the vanity and taking his hands in yours. He smiled hopefully and you shook your head, feeling guilty for disappointing him, “I just haven’t been feeling well lately, and my period’s late.”

“Those tests aren’t always accurate though, right?” He asked, a glimmer of hope still in his eyes.

“I’m going to wait a few more days before I try another one.” You said, “Besides, are we really ready for that?”

“As long as I have you, I’m ready for that.”

“But I don’t think I am.” You confessed, your heart falling as you felt that your words would upset him. You knew that Tom loved kids and that he wanted them some day, but you were both too young for that. “I want to have kids with you, just in a few years. Don’t be upset with me.”

Tom gently kissed the back of your hand, smiling softly at you. “I’m not upset with you. We’ll have kids when you’re ready, it’s your body doing all the work.” He laughed lightly, before kissing you. “Next time, tell me when you take a test.”

“Hopefully, it won’t be for a while.”

“Are you feeling better, though?” He asked, brown eyes filled with concern.

“Just a bit nauseous and fatigued, but I’m probably just stressed.” You repeated your friend’s words, hoping it’d convince your body you were fine.

“Do you still want to go to dinner? We can stay in.”

“No, no, you made us reservations already. I’m fine, let’s go.” You reassured him, stepping back to continue your makeup at the vanity.

Later that night, the moment you got home from your anniversary dinner, Tom’s lips were hungrily on yours, all worries from earlier gone. Never breaking the passionate kiss, you two stumbled to your bedroom until you were on the bed with Tom over you. His lips traveled down to your neck, sucking and licking to leave a mark, while his hands worked their way up your dress. He was lost in the heat of the moment, but you started to feel the same wave of sickness wash over you.

“Tom,” You breathed out, but he took it as a good sign, moaning into your neck. You shoved his shoulders a little, “Stop.” And his mouth was instantly off you, his eyes finding yours.

“Are you alright?” He asked, worried.

“No.” You clutched your abdomen as it started to hurt.

“Darling, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Tom was starting to freak out and it didn’t help as tears stung your eyes from the uncomfortable pain.

“Can you get me water and- and some pain meds?” You whimpered out and he was quick to hop off the bed, running off into the kitchen.

Your eyelids started to grow heavy, and the last thing you heard before the world went black was Tom calling out your name, dropping the water and pills in the doorway to run to your side.

~~~

Tom paced around the hospital lobby anxiously, the whole “only family” rule not allowing him in to see you while you lay unconscious in a hospital room. It had been a couple hours since he’d brought you in, and he was slowly starting to lose it. He got out his phone, about to call your friend for the eighth time to ask where she was, when he heard her call his name from down the hall.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, running up to him, the same look of worrying fear in her eyes.

“She was just suddenly not feeling well, and she was in pain. I went to get her some meds, but she passed out when I came back.” He explained.

“I swear to god, Holland, if you gave her an STD-” She started and he raised his hands defensively

“Don’t you think I’d be sick if I had an STD.” He stated. “What makes you think this is an STD?”

“She said your morning sex hurt.”

“She didn’t tell me that.” Now Tom was really worried. Not only was something wrong with you, but now he had unknowingly hurt you.

“Mr. Holland?” A nurse said, coming up to him, drawing his and your friend’s attention away from the previously rather uncomfortable topic. “She’s awake now. You can come see her.”

Tom felt his heart just about jump out of his chest as he followed the nurse down the hall with your friend beside him. When the three of them entered the room, you had different monitors hooked up to you through various tubes and tears in your eyes. Hearing them come in, you looked up at them and smiled softly.

“Oh, Y/N.” Tom breathed out, rushing to your side. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and held your hand in his. “You scared me so much, darling.”

“What is it?” Your friend asked from the foot of the bed. 

“Well, I’m definitely not pregnant and it’s not an STD.” You laughed lightly, but the humor of it was lost in the dreary hospital room.

“Y/N,” Your friend urged. You let out a shaky breath, your eyes falling to your hands. You couldn’t bear to look at Tom or your friend.

“It’s cancer. Ovarian cancer.” You whispered quietly, and Tom tensed beside you, his hand squeezing yours.

“They can do something about it, right? Chemo? Surgery? Anything?” Tom insisted, his own eyes washed over with tears.

“It’s stage 3.” You spoke up, finally looking at him. “It’s spread throughout my abdomen. My family has it on both sides, and I guess it’s incredibly difficult to detect it early on.”

“But they can do something? I can’t lose you.” Tom’s voice broke as he began to freely cry. With your free hand, you wiped away his tears.

“I’ll need to get surgery, and then go through chemo, but-” You paused, not wanting to say the finalizing words.

“A hysterectomy? You’ll never-” Your friend caught herself short as Tom looked between the two of you, waiting for one of you to finish.

“Tom, I can’t- can’t have kids.” Your own words made you cry; you couldn’t give him the future you both he knew wanted, the future you both wanted.

“That’s alright, darling.” He reassured you, though you could tell it was hurting him. “I just need you, nothing else.”

“The chances, Tom- they’re low. Only half-” You started, but he cut you off with a kiss.

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’re going to make it through this.”

You slid over in the hospital bed, making room for Tom to climb in beside you and gently cuddle you, mindful of your abdomen. None of you knew what the future would hold, but as long as Tom held you, your future felt a little brighter.

[lowdoseenby]

I wrote a super detailed post on gyno appointments for a trans guy on reddit so here's that

I care a lot about the health of trans folks, and as a trans anxious person myself I know how daunting these appointments can be. So I wrote a super detailed post on what an annual visit to the gyno is like, maybe it will help some of y’all if you’ve never been.

The "when you have to start" depends on who you ask. It used to be 18, or 20, or even 25. It used to be a year after you became sexually active. I believe the current recommendation is to have your first pap done by 21, regardless of sexually activity. That being said, anyone can and see a gyno at any age regarding their sexual health. I started at 17 for birth control and testing, and continue to go annually.

There is something called an annual visit, and it is a yearly exam you're kinda expected to do. They are about the same every year (until you also need to start getting mammograms, but you start that at a much older age and isn't necessary if you have had top surgery). You should go to these annual appointments regardless if you are on birth control, sexually active or not, on hormones, or even had a hysterectomy (unless your doctor has told you you're clear). In fact, it is believed that because trans men are less likely to go to these appointments, they don't receive the preventative healthcare they need and are more susceptible to illness and cancer. So please find a doctor you're comfy with and make sure you can see a doctor if you're able.

Here is how an annual visit might go. I'll also mention that I've seen a handful of doctors for pelvic exams now. All have treated me with respect, most I have been out to. They understand that they do a vulnerable and intrusive thing and really try to be patient. They tend to walk me through each step and keep me informed, and you can ask for the same.

First I always give a urine sample, for a pregnancy test among other things (insurance will literally not run anything without this test, even if it is impossible for you to get pregnant like myself). Typically they tell me to head to the bathroom and there will be instructions (write your name on the cup, wipe with this, pee a little then in the cup, seal and put in this box).

Then I might have a blood test, since I am typically there for STD testing as well. I sit down, they take a few vials of blood. I sign a lot of paperwork about what happens if I am positive for certain things.

Then I am taken to an exam room. A nurse typically asks me if there is anything I want to talk to the doctor about that day, and takes my vitals (temp, B/P, HR, etc). Then they will leave while I change. I typically get full undressed and change into a gown. The gown normally has buttons at the top and may have ties in the back, I'm also normally given a blanket. At this point I sit on the exam bed and wait for the doctor.

When (I'll say she because I always seem women doctors, but this is standard stuff) she arrives for the exam she'll have me lay down, there are two big things from here, other than just talking. The breast exam and pelvic exam. She also normally has a nurse or assistant with her for the exams, and I have always been able to have someone with me if I wanted.

The breast exam is really fast and painless, but awkward. I have always been laying down for this, but you could be stood up. My doctors tend to talk to me during it to kinda ease tension. She will undo the buttons on the top of the gown, to a quick visual inspection for anything out of the ordinary, and then lay the gown back down. Then she does a phsyical exam by pressing with her palm or fingers around my nipple and circularly out, checking for bumps and issues. It takes under a minute for both sides typically. Awkward, but painless, and everyone who ever gave me one was very polite about it.

Then the pelvic exam. You'll be laying in an exam bed. You'll be instructed to put your ankles in some stirrups and move your butt all the way to the edge of the bed. The blanket they gave you goes over your knees so you're totally covered for all this. The doctor will take a seat at the end of the table, and might have an assistant nearby to hand her things. Obviously, this is vulnerable and no fun for anyone, but your doctor knows this and wants to be polite and get through it too. She will lift the blanket so that she can see, but anyone else in the room couldn't. Another quick visual inspection of your nethers, and then usually they put the blanket back down unless they need to see something. There is a digital (that means finger) exam. She'll put on gloves and lube and put 1-2 fingers inside your vagina and feel your cervix. My doctor also normally does this and stands up and presses on my uterus and ovaries to feel for something. Obviously how penetration feels depends on the person, but for me this is uncomfortable but not painful. After that is the speculum (i think is what its called) part. This is a tool used to open your vagina a little so that the cervix is easily seen and found. My doctor has a warming bed for hers so the tools she uses are not ice cold and then going in my body, which is nice. The speculum doesn't rock, it can hurt a bit especially if penetration isn't typical for you, but isn't terrible. She will also try and get this part over with safely and quickly. Using a lamp she will take another quick visual inspection of your cervix. If you are getting a pap smear, this is when that happens. She'll take a swab, kinda like a mascara wand, and rub it against your cervix for about a second. The swab she gets is then sent to a lab for tests. The prick of the pap smear is considered the worst part of the whole exam. It is not awesome but over quickly. Then everything can come out and you're pretty much done.

I have also had a vaginal ultrasound before (one where I did not need a full bladder though) and that was also pretty simple. They have a small wand that honestly looks like a thin gspot vibrator, they put a condom on it and lube it up. No need to look at my anatomy as they put it inside and then just twist it to get the visuals (in this case my ovaries and uterus when i got my IUD placed). Wasn't painful at all, but penetration doesn't bother me typically.

If you want to talk about anything you'll get a chance for that before or after the exam. I also promise your doctor doesn't care about hair, piercings, or tattoos. They use plenty of lube to make it as easy as possible. Warming stuff up, nice blankets and socks, and plenty of other things to make the experience as best it can be. Finding a trans informed doctor is of course a good idea too if you can, and in my experience they have been very respectful of my trans identity and anatomy. I hope this helps! Your sexual health is important, so try and get these exams if you're able !

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #420

lol blaze it (i’m funny i swear)

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? Without a doubt, Bojangle's. Good. Shit. Are there hurricanes where you live? Yeah, they're common here. What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. What song are you listening to right now? "Beast of Gévaudan" by Powerwolf. What was your first concert? Alice Cooper. Also my only concert. What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? Alice In Wonderland. Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. Do you like pumpkin pie? Anything pumpkin-flavored is a hell no from me. Do you know anyone named Austin? Knew, rather. Do you know anyone who is having a baby? My friend recently announced she and her husband are having their second child in December. What was the last thing you cried about? Just PTSD. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I like both, but I prefer chocolate. Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. How many deep dark secrets do you have? Two or so, idk. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings with one of the hottest sauces. Wanted to die. ... Yet I continued to get that one whenever I went for years lmao. Who last called you sexy? I don't know. Would you class yourself as a good role model? In some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Are you scared of the dark? No. Do you have a motto? No. Who did you last see on webcam? The doctor that overlooks my TMS progress. Do you need a haircut? I need a trim for sure. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well, considering 1.) she's way past menopause and especially 2.) she's had a complete hysterectomy, y'know... that's kind of impossible. She also hasn't been with a guy in many years, so she would have to be joking. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? -___- Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? ALONE. You will NOT see me exercise in front of other people. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? The most involved is DEFINITELY World of Warcraft, and I guess you could consider it the hardest too, given some of the much more difficult things I've done in it. It itself isn't a hard game whatsoever, but you can pursue some really hard achievements. Ever watch the show Supernatural? If you have, then what’s your favorite episode? I used to love it, but just stopped watching eventually. My fave episode... Man, it's been too long to remember many. Probably one of the funnier ones. I remember I specifically liked the bit where they were in your everyday comedy show, as well as the one where I THINK Dean kept trying to prevent Sam from dying. I just remember the "Eye of the Tiger" bit that is pure gold. Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? Oh, no, but that sounds good. Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? Yeah, Pokemon. Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? Besides butter, which I think is pretty standard, no. When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? Uh, I dunno. It depends on the book. I don't really care about page numbers. Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? Yeah. Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? Girt, probably. Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? I don't think so? When is the last time you cried? I was sobbing earlier today, fun stuff. Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? Most likely not. ESPECIALLY at my age. What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? Oh god. WoW, M:tG, big glasses, anime (does that count? idk really), video games... a lot of stuff, really. Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? Y I K E S, no. That would be SO uncomf. What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? Actually raising it properly, physically and emotionally. Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? No. Would you ever be a surrogate mother? No. What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? It'd be cool to have someone you feel an almost supernatural connection towards, but I'd also feel like I wasn't as "original" as I would be if I was born alone. Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? I mean it wasn't awful at all, but sure, in some ways compared to at least someone. How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? Well today I'm a wreck, so don't tell me. I want to know that I wasn't lied to for 25 years. Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? I'm not entirely clear on this, but I'm 90% sure Dad cheated on Mom with his now-wife. Dad also accused Mom of cheating, but I HIGHLY doubt that's true. Do you like cleaning and organizing? Not really. How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? Fuck having kids. I'd be a terrible mother. So to answer the other question, I'll be pretty, pretty sad if I can't get permission to spread Teddy's ashes at Yellowstone. Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? Well, obviously not considering my dream job is a meerkat biologist, and I'm not moving to Africa. Have you ever been robbed? No. Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? Not anymore. Dad was, but he's recovered. Have you ever dumped anyone? Yes. What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Risk his fucking sanity and health to try to hold my fucked up self up. What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? Anything other? Bisexual. I've kinda been questioning pansexual of the late, though. I don't know. Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? Not to my memory. Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: Regret. Hopelessness. Loneliness. And the reasons for these feelings? Take a wild fuckin' guess. How do you feel about your life right now? It's an actual dumpster fire. Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? Fuck no. Because there's just not very much TO like about me. Even on my good days, I see flaw after flaw in myself. What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. What subjects do not? Math, economics, politics, history... Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? Definitely fiction. When I read a book, I want an escape from the real world. How has today been for you? BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did you do? Went to TMS therapy. Sat on the Internet. Cried. :^) Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? No. Are there any lava lamps near you? No. I want one, though. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Are any of your friends a pothead? Yes. What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? Start losing weight again. That'd be pretty goddamn grand. Are you a high maintenance person? Definitely not. The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? I was having a nightmare. Have you ever been heartbroken? For sure. Who did that to you? First Dad, then Jason. Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? Boy, did I. The last type of sandwich you made or ate: A pb&j. The last time you spent most of the day in bed: Literally every day. I do just about everything in bed. Pathetic, I know. The last friend or acquaintance you made: Ummmm idk. The last thing you took pictures of: A hydrangea bush. The last time you were scared: Now. The future is terrifying, my friend. The last thing you looked up online: The definition of a word to ensure I was using it correctly. The last thing you disagreed with: So I've been watching John Wolfe's old stream of him playing Alice: Madness Returns, and he went on a total soapbox about smoking being okay essentially because we're all gonna die eventually from something, and I really disagreed with it. Does your house have a separate laundry room? No, just like a closet. Do your parents still help you financially? I'm still entirely dependent on them. Does your car have a backup camera? No. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Not to my knowledge. Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? REALLY old, no. Teddy was definitely up there, but beagles have lived longer. What was the last strong scent you smelled? Lysol. Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? Christ, no. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No. Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? Don't think so? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever broken into someone’s house? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yes. What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? I dunno. Have you ever taken a woodshop class? No. How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? Funny you ask, because as of today I decided to take a break from it for awhile. I've found it's nothing more than a breeding ground for envy and making me feel like a horribly incompetent adult. Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? I had one photography teacher in college that I was NOT a fan of. He was super, super hard on everyone, like to an unnecessary degree. We were students, not pros. Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? No. Are your parents supportive of you? Somehow.

[littlemisswolfie]

Hope That You Fall In Love (And It Hurts So Bad)

Part II>

Somehow I never posted this here oops--

I’ve always loved @umisabaku ‘s Designation: Miracle fic series on Ao3, and I love to see a half-Canadian protagonist in anime because no one ever thinks being half-Canadian is cool, so I love Sk8: The Infinity, and I figured, hey! Why not combine them! And this happened.

TW for  mentions of child experimentation and torture, a scene where it is heavily implied Nanako trades sexual favors in exchange for custody of Langa, a few scenes where Langa has nightmares, a brief moment of Langa having a panic attack, non-graphic descriptions of Oliver developing liver cancer, discussions of death and funeral arrangements, a non-graphic scene of Oliver dying, and the beginnings of Langa's depression.

Ao3

Hasegawa Nanako didn’t quite know what she was getting into when she got contracted by a private company straight out of nursing school. She was young and trusting and desperate for money after her parents died and left her with their debts, and the recruiter from Teiko Industries handed her a quote that was three times the average pay for nurses, so she took the job. She signed the stacks of NDAs, went through with the extensive background checks and drug tests, and underwent a psych evaluation before she even stepped foot into the lab that would change her entire life.

She wants to quit as soon as she figures out what was really going on. Human experimentation, torture, training children to be assassins… the whole thing makes her skin crawl. But, again, she really needs the money. No other job she could get right out of school would pay enough to chip away at her parents’ debt and pay for her apartment and car and food. So, with a heavy heart, she shows up for her shift five nights a week, and she’s assigned to the hospital ward that cared for Generation Infinity.

They’re the youngest generation so far. Eight years younger than Generation Miracle, which, Nanako learns from a particularly chatty coworker, was the most successful Generation by far. “They’re almost all Successes,” the other nurse says, cheery, like they’re talking about some sports game or a litter of kittens instead of living, breathing children. “They just had to scrap O394, but the others are all still promising. Well, maybe not B452, but still. That’s six out of fourteen! Imagine that.”

Nanako doesn’t want to imagine that. The thought makes her stomach churn. The casual talk of killing children…

“Maybe Infinity will be even better!” the coworker chatters on. “If our Orange Three can actually fly… think they’d give us a raise?”

*

The Project she sees most often during her shift is GI-B423.

Nanako knows there isn’t much hope for him. He’s only two years old, but he’s barely developed even the slightest invisibility. He doesn’t even display any Latent Overflow, which was supposed to be inherent in every Project. The scientists still make him wear the shock bracelets (horrible things, Nanako wanted to rip them off of him with her bare hands) and still send him to that torture chamber they stole from Orwell, but he’s already a Failure in their eyes.

To Nanako, he’s a baby. He’s tall for his age, with curious eyes and an unfillable stomach and a wonderful smile when she could wrench one out of him. He winds up in the hospital ward so often because of his reckless behavior. He tries to copy everything the other Projects do, particularly GI-O376’s jumping and GI-B531’s speed, and even when he doesn’t hurt himself trying something stupid, his heart rate elevates and he gets shocked.

“You should be more careful,” she says to him one night as she patches up a scratch he got when he scraped  his arm on the wall of his cell trying to touch the ceiling. “I’d hate to see them hurt you for being reckless.”

Those eyes, too smart for a toddler, stare into her soul. “You’re worried about me?”

“Yes.” There’s no use denying it. Even if she didn’t care too much about this child who will probably be killed by the time he’s ten years old, it would be cruel to deny caring for a boy this young. And maybe she’s selfish, for feeling like this about GI-B423 and not the other children, but the scientists care about them plenty. They are Successes.

GI-B423 will never be a Success. So she has to care about him, because no one else will.

*

Nanako quickly comes to realize she’s one of the only people in Teiko that thinks of the Projects as human. This lets her see things no one else does.

So, a few years after she starts working, she notices GM-B425 is planning something.

She’s sure he’s fooling the others. The scientists and doctors and contractors think of these children as weapons, unfeeling, unthinking save for their direct orders. The Miracle Projects are generally allowed free reign of the facility as long as they stay out of the private offices and labs, so Nanako will take her time at the vending machines to watch them, and she notices the way GM-B452 watches everyone else. He’s the closest thing to a Success a Black will ever be, Nanako has heard, but he’s still going to be scrapped soon.

Nanako knows what desperation looks like.

She makes a choice.

*

“Let me get this straight,” says Honda-san, the director of Generation Infinity. He’s an older man, probably pushing sixty, with graying black hair and dark, mean eyes. He’s watched her with a predatory gaze from the first time they met when she first started. Nanako’s always known she’s a pretty woman, one of the few things her mother gave her, so it wasn’t like she was unused to attention from old, greasy men. “You want to resign, and instead of a severance package, you want to take GI-B423 with you?”

“Yes, sir.” Nanako’s wearing her best dress (and if it’s cut just low enough to be flattering, well, that’s just a bonus) and she did her make-up and she is being as polite as she can possibly be. “I’ve made more than enough money here to pay off my parents’ debts, and I was never cut out for work like this in the first place, so I see no reason to continue in my current position when you could hire someone more suited for the role.” She’s been saving since the day she started working. She never eats out, she doesn’t go out drinking, and she takes five minute showers. She’s debt-free, with savings to spare.

“And GI-B423?” Honda-san leans forward on his hands, his wrinkled brow furrowing further. “What use could he have to you?”

Nanako inhales and brings a hand to her stomach. “I’ll never be able to have children,” she says, the truth burning her throat. “I had to get a hysterectomy due to my endometriosis. I’ve come to care for GI-B423 as my own child, and you know as well as I do that he’ll never be a Success. If anything, he’s more noticeable than the other members of his Generation. Why spend the resources continuing to believe he’ll develop the abilities you would need him to? Why dissect him as if anything about him could better future Projects?” The words sting, tasting sour in her mouth. She hates saying these things about GI-B423, but it’s what she needs to do. “If you can get him on my family register, that’s all I ask. We’ll leave the country, and you’ll never hear from us again.”

Honda-san makes a considering noise, and, after a moment, he places his hand on her bare knee. His wedding band glints in the overhead light. “I might be persuaded.”

Nanako tries to smile.

*

Later that night, as Nanako is slipping her dress back up over her shoulders in the room of the love hotel Honda-san rented for the evening, Honda-san says, “What name did you want for him?”

“Langa,” Nanako says. “His name is Hasegawa Langa.”

*

Langa is confused, at first. “Where are we going?” he asks Nanako when she loads him and his meager belongings into her car. He’s never been out on a mission, so this is probably the first time he’s ever seen a car. “Does R0132 know where I am? He’ll get mad if I’m not at training.” He rubs at his wrists, finally free of those awful shock bracelets, like he can’t believe they’re gone.

“I don’t work here anymore,” she tells him. “I quit. Do you know what adoption means? It means I’m going to take care of you from now on.”

“So… I don’t live here?”

“No. And you’ll never have to do training again, or wear your shock bracelets, or go to Room 101. You can eat as much as you want. And you have a name.”

“A name?”

“Yes. Your name is Hasegawa Langa. You’re my son, now, and I’m your mother, and that means I’ll love you and take care of you for the rest of your life.”

Langa blinks. Then, he says, “Okay,” and he lets her buckle him in.

*

Two days later, they’re on a plane to Canada.

*

A month after that, nestled in their new apartment in Squamish, Nanako holds Langa in her lap and they watch, together, as Generation Miracle escapes from Teiko.

“Will they come for us, Mom?” Langa asks.

She squeezes him around the middle, perhaps a little too tight. “No, honey. As long as we keep our secret a secret, we’ll be fine.”

 Nanako hopes she’s right.

*

The military never ends up knocking on their door, and Nanako thanks God for small mercies. She and Langa are doing everything they can to blend in, like normal immigrants. Nanako’s working at a nursing home, and Langa is enrolled at the local Catholic school, and they both attend Mass on Sundays and Wednesdays. Nanako makes friends with the other women in the apartment building and she tells them all that Langa’s father got her pregnant and walked out on her, so that’s why he’s not in the picture, and Langa dutifully goes along with the sentiment when asked. Langa isn’t making a lot of friends, and that would worry Nanako, but mostly she’s glad that it means there’s no danger of Langa accidentally telling a kindergartener with no filter about his time at Teiko.

He still gets nightmares, sometimes. Nanako never saw the inside of Room 101, and she wishes Langa never had, either. She never let him see the press images of how the JSDF found Teiko when they went hunting for the scientists, because that would only make the fear worse. Hell, she woke up in the middle of the night sometimes, catapulted out of a dream of fire and screaming, bloody children, guilty that she couldn’t save the rest of them, guilty that she only loved Langa and not the others, and she’ll never make Langa feel that, too. He has enough on his shoulders as it is.

Then, for Langa’s first Christmas outside of Teiko’s walls, Nanako uses up all the PTO she’s saved and they take a trip to a ski lodge, and there they meet Oliver Campbell.

*

Oliver, as it turns out, also lives in Squamish, as he tells Nanako one night over boozy hot chocolate after Langa has been put to bed. “I’m a firefighter,” he says, “though, when I was younger, I wanted to be a pro snowboarder.”

“I could never,” Nanako laughs. “That’s a little too dangerous for me.” Then, because the alcohol makes speaking secrets easier, she says, “Langa would probably love it, though. He’s always been an adrenaline junkie.”

Oliver looks surprised. “He seems like such a quiet kid.”

“Oh, you should’ve seen him when he was—when we still lived in Japan. Scrapes and broken bones everywhere.”

“Well, then, he’s lucky he had such an amazing mother to patch him up.”

Heat floods Nanako’s cheeks. “What good would my nursing license do if I couldn’t even take care of my own kid?”

“And… Langa’s father?”

“Not in the picture. It’s just the two of us.” Please don’t ask anymore, she begs. There’s something about Oliver that makes her want to be completely honest, and that could end very, very poorly.

“Ah,” he says, instead, “I’m sorry about that. Wherever he is, he’s really missing out.”

Nanako thinks of Honda-san, of his leer and his sweaty hands and his potbelly dragging against her back, and says, “We’re better off without him, trust me.”

*

The next day, Oliver starts teaching Langa how to snowboard. Just like Nanako thought, he takes to it like a fish to water, and even when he falls, the snow cushions his landing, so he just laughs and jumps right back up to try again. She watches from the sidelines and smiles, feeling warm, because this is what Langa deserves. He deserves to be a normal kid.

*

“When are you guys going home?” Oliver asks over dinner one night, a few days into their stay at the ski lodge. They’re having breakfast for dinner, a phenomenon Langa was very pleased to learn about, and Nanako ordered him three helpings of Eggs Benedict.

Langa is too busy shovelling peameal bacon into his mouth like he’s never eaten in his life to answer, so Nanako says, “Boxing Day. We don’t have any family in the area, so we’re just doing Christmas here.”

Oliver leans back in his chair. “That reminds me! Why did you guys move here, anyway? If you don’t have family here, I mean.”

Langa only barely doesn’t tense up, and Nanako promises to give him extra dessert for his restraint. “We needed a fresh start,” Nanako says. “I got pregnant with him while I was still in nursing school, and by the time I graduated, my parents had both died, and I got saddled with their debts. We stayed in Japan long enough to pay the debts off and save enough money to move, and we just… left. Where we went didn’t matter much, honestly, as long as it wasn’t Japan.”

“Your English is pretty good,” Oliver notes. He genuinely just sounds curious. “Both of you, actually. If I didn’t know you were immigrants, I would think English was Langa’s first language.”

Langa swallows a huge mouthful of English muffin and egg and says, “I know French, too! And some other languages.”

Nanako takes back her internal promise of extra dessert as Oliver’s eyebrows migrate up towards his hairline. “That’s very impressive,” he says. “Where’d you learn all those?”

Langa shrugs. “Around.”

“We learn English all throughout school, in Japan,” Nanako cuts in. “When I knew we were going to move abroad, I taught Langa, too. And he started teaching himself French when we decided on Canada. He’s a quick study when it comes to languages.” Oliver still looks a little unsure, so she rushes to change the subject. “When are you leaving the lodge, Oliver?”

“I’m checking out of my room on Christmas Eve. My parents always throw a big Christmas party at their cabin in Princeton every year, with all the aunts and uncles and cousins. It’s a riot, especially when we play Pass the Ace.”

“Pass the Ace?” Langa asks. “What’s that?”

A playful glint enters Oliver’s eye. “Oh, Langa, my boy, do you have any loonies on you?”

*

The three of them spend the next few days together. Langa wakes Nanako up as soon as the sun rises and they go downstairs to meet up with Oliver, who spends the rest of the morning teaching Langa how to snowboard. Then they go to the bunny slopes to toboggan, and at night, they eat dinner together, and Oliver and Nanako stay up long after Langa goes to bed to drink and talk.

Nanako’s surprised at how easy it feels to be around Oliver. Even before she started working at Teiko, her dating life wasn’t exactly active. Sure, she’d hooked up with a few guys in college, and she had a boyfriend in high school, but there was never a connection, not like this.

“Here,” he says, the night of the 23rd, “let me give you my number.”

“Really?” Nanako asks, even though she’s already pulling her phone out of her pocket.

Oliver gives her a confused look. “Yeah? I mean, unless you didn’t want to meet up back in Squamish—”

“No, I do!” Nanako rushes to correct. “I do. It’s just… I mean, with Langa…”

“Hey.” Oliver reaches across the table to take one of her hands. “Langa’s a great kid. Any guy who got scared away by him isn’t worth the time of day. I like you, and I like Langa, and I would love nothing more than to get to know the both of you better, if you would allow it.”

Nanako flushes again. She likes this feeling, like someone is looking at her and seeing her and still liking it. She knows she shouldn’t, that Langa’s secret could be in jeopardy if she gets too close to the wrong guy, but she can’t help it. “I think I will,” she says. “Langa would probably never forgive me if I took his snowboarding teacher from him.”

And Oliver laughs, and it’s one of the most beautiful sounds she’s ever heard, right under Langa calling her “Mom.”

*

She and Oliver start officially dating not too long after Christmas. He’ll come to the nursing home with Tim Hortons when she’s working twelves, and he picks Langa up from school and helps him with his homework, and he invites the two of them over for dinner at least twice a week because he knows Nanako is often too busy to cook. When it comes time to celebrate Langa’s birthday, Oliver buys him a brand new snowboard, and Langa throws his arms around his neck and chants “thank you”s into his hair.

He brings them to his parents’ cabin for Victoria Day, and his family is just as kind as him. His nieces and nephews do their best to include Langa in their games, but they don’t push when she shies away and hangs out by the buffet table instead, and his mother, Barbara, hugs Nanako like she’s an old friend rather than a stranger.

“Hey, Langa, wanna swim?” Oliver’s dad, Ray, asks, gesturing to the small pond nearby. Some of the other kids are already splashing around in it, and it is getting warm, so it’s no wonder he’s suggesting it.

Nanako tenses, but Langa just shakes his head. “I don’t swim very often,” he says in that serious way of his, and she releases the breath she was holding. She’s never taken him swimming since she adopted him, because she can’t be certain no one will see the GI-B423 brand on his upper thigh. He doesn’t have many scars, other than the faint ones around his wrists he usually wears long-sleeved shirts to bulky bracelets to cover up, but that one in particular would be very hard to explain away.

Oliver gives her a curious look, but she just shrugs like she’s seen other parents do when their kids are acting weird, and he gives her that lopsided smile and everything is okay again.

*

A month later, Nanako terminates the lease on her and Langa’s apartment, and they move their things into the small house Oliver owns. Langa’s a little confused about why Nanako says he can’t sleep with her as often as he used to now that they’re living with Oliver, but he doesn’t complain. After her, Oliver is his favorite person in the whole world.

*

They go to the ski lodge again for Christmas, and Langa barely stays off the slopes the whole time. He’s only seven now, but he snowboards better than people three times his age and with a decade more experience.

“He’s a prodigy,” Oliver says, watching him jump a worryingly high way into the air. “He could go pro.”

Nanako hopes he doesn’t. She doesn’t want him to attract too much attention to himself. “Maybe,” she says. “But he’s a little too spacey for that, I think.” Oliver laughs and puts an arm around her waist, letting her melt into his side. “Maybe.”

*

That Christmas, surrounded by the Campbell clan, Oliver gets down on one knee and asks Nanako to be his wife. Nanako can see Langa over Oliver’s shoulder, bobbing his head up and down like a bobblehead, and she lets out a wet laugh and says “yes.”

*

It’s a quiet wedding, at the cabin in Princeton, with just Oliver’s family and some of Nanako’s friends from work. They include Langa in all of their wedding photos, and he hugs Oliver and calls him “Dad” and Oliver almost cries.

This is it, Nanako decides. This is all she needs. Her husband and their son and the life they’ve made for themselves.

As long as no one finds out about Teiko.

*

Langa’s been very good about keeping it all a secret. He never talks about Teiko, or his Generation, or the powers that should have developed but never did. He doesn’t take his bracelets off around anyone, even Oliver, and when he has his nightmares, he quietly wakes Nanako up so she can slip out of bed and comfort him until he falls back to sleep.

Things aren’t perfect, but they work.

Until Generation Miracle is put back into the spotlight.

*

Nanako studiously never brings up the Miracles. Sometimes people will ask if she has an opinion on them, and she always says no. If a news segment is playing and talking about them, she’ll change the channel or turn the TV off. It’s been harder to ignore all the media attention lately, since Teiko’s more insidious designs are suddenly being brought to light. She’s not sure who is suddenly talking, or why, but she’s more than happy to bury her head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t concern her.

Until one day, when she gets home from work, and sees Oliver and Langa sitting on the couch and watching as a teenage boy with light blue hair and a calm fury Nanako only ever saw in one person says, “All we have ever wanted to do is be free.”

Nanako lunges for the remote to change the channel. Oliver squawks in surprise, but she kneels in front of Langa, who’s sitting rigid, like a stone, and takes his hands and says, “Are you okay, sweetie?”

He nods robotically, and she winces. He’s retreating. That’s not good. “Hey, baby, breathe for me, okay? In for four, hold for five, out for six. Just like we used to.”

Langa sets about his breathing exercises, and Oliver stands up, looking more concerned than she’s ever seen him look. “What’s going on? He got all quiet as soon as that news segment started.”

“Oliver, it’s a long story—”

“If my son is having a—a panic attack, or something, I think I deserve to know why!”

This is what she’s always dreaded. She has to come up with something. If she brushes him off, he’s just going to keep digging, but if she says something too complicated, she won’t remember what she said later and it will bite her in the ass. I shouldn’t have gotten him involved, she thinks, mournfully, already picturing the divorce proceedings and custody battle and Langa missing the only father he’s ever known. I knew it was too risky.

“GI-B423.” Langa gasps, and Nanako whips her head up towards him.

“Langa—” she starts, panic rising in her chest, at the same time Oliver says, “What?”

“My designation,” Langa says, he’s still clearly upset. “GI-B423. The twenty-third Black Four Project in Generation Infinity. Failed experiment. GI-B423…” He continues muttering, clearly back in that awful place, and Nanako throws her arms around him.

“Shh, baby,” she coos, rocking him back and forth, feeling him tremble against her. “That’s not you anymore, remember? You’re Hasegawa Langa. You’re eight years old, you’re in year three, and you live with your mom and dad in Squamish, British Columbia.”

She repeats this mantra a few times, drowning out Langa’s, until he stops trembling so much. His little hands grip her scrub top like she’s a liferaft in the middle of the ocean. She’s no stranger to this feeling; most of his nightmares result in a similar embrace. Her neck is damp from his tears and snot, but she keeps on rocking him, letting him cry himself out until he falls asleep.

Throughout it all, Oliver watches, silent.

*

Nanako carries Langa to bed and tucks him in for an impromptu nap, and braces herself for the awful conversation she knows she has to have.

Oliver is still sitting on the couch, silent, staring at the wall behind the TV. “Well,” he says, before Nanako has a chance to say anything, “a few things make more sense now.”

“Oliver…”

He looks at her, meeting her worried gaze, and sighs, opening his arms. She falls into his embrace readily, collapsing against his side. In his arms, she feels safe, like nothing can touch her here. “Tell me your story,” he says, playing with her wedding band, and she does.

*

Nanako won’t say things are perfect after Oliver learns Langa’s secret, but they’re certainly easier.  

Now, when Langa has his nightmares, he can crawl into bed in between his parents and not have to worry about revealing anything he shouldn’t. Oliver’s always been better at calming him down, too, so having his help in soothing Langa’s nightmares is a huge deal. Nanako doesn’t have to be on the lookout for evil scientists or government agents all on her own anymore, now that Oliver is also keeping an eye out.

The three of them sit on the couch together to watch the coverage of the Special Diet, and when the Miracles are declared not dangerous, Nanako almost cries.

Maybe they can finally be free.

*

And so, the years pass.

Things are never perfect. They wouldn’t have been perfect if Langa wasn’t a genetically engineered child designed to be an assassin, but even then, things are a normal amount of imperfection. Langa still has trouble connecting with kids his own age, but not in a weird way, just a kid way. Nanako and Oliver have their odd disagreements, though they never go to bed angry. Oliver goes out drinking with his coworkers from the fire station more often than Nanako would like, but he never drives drunk and never gets angry or abusive, so she doesn’t try to make him stop. They get enough money to buy a larger house just outside of Squamish, and Nanako starts up a garden in the backyard in the spring and summer. In the winter, they spend more and more time on the mountain as Langa falls more in love with snowboarding.

And he does love snowboarding. He’s always pushing himself to go faster, jump higher, do more. Nanako is nervous that he might want to go pro, but he never brings the possibility up. He just wants to snowboard with his dad. He doesn’t care about the money or the glory or anything else. As long as he has his board and the snow and Oliver, he’s happy.

And then Oliver gets his diagnosis.

*

It starts small. He’s less hungry than he used to be, “But your food is as delicious as it’s always been!” he says with a flirty wink. The fifteen-year-old Langa rolls his eyes.

Then, he starts losing weight. He was always fit, with not a lot of fat on him, so when he starts losing weight, Nanako gets concerned. “You’re not trying to diet or anything, right?” she asks, staring at his narrower chest.

He shakes his head. “I’m probably just getting old, honey. We didn’t get to go on the slopes much this winter. I’ll start jogging to get my muscle mass back up, if that’ll make you happy.”

Langa goes on these runs with him. He’s always been an active kid, since Teiko was training them to be super soldiers, so he always has too much energy. The extra activity is good for him.

Oliver, on the other hand, doesn’t benefit as much from their daily jogs. He keeps losing weight, and every once in a while, he complains of abdominal pain. “No, Nanako, I’m not going to the doctor,” he says when she gives him a worried look. “It’s probably nothing.”

Then, on Canada Day, Nanako is woken up when Oliver bolts out of bed to be violently sick in their ensuite bathroom and notices his skin is jaundiced, and the next day she packs up him and Langa and they all go to the hospital together.

*

Liver cancer.

Stage 4.

Treatment options.

Life expectancy.

Langa shuts down.

*

Oliver deteriorates quickly after that.

He’s in the hospital more often than not, and when he’s admitted two weeks before Thanksgiving, everyone knows it’s for the last time. Nanako and Langa are there as often as they can be, sitting with him and holding his hand and desperately trying to pretend he’s not about to leave him forever. The nurses even buy Langa a cake when the three of them all collectively forget his sixteenth birthday.

When Langa is at school or sleeping in the waiting room, Nanako and Oliver go over his will. He’s leaving everything to Nanako, of course, but he says she should let his cousins come and take a look at family photos after she decides what she wants to keep. He also writes a letter for Langa, but doesn’t let Nanako read it. “It’s for him,” he says. “He should be the first one to read it.

“I don’t want a funeral,” he tells her, voice weak. “Don’t spend your money on that. Don’t make Langa go through that. Cremate me and bury me next to my grandparents, and go out to lunch after.”

“Okay,” she says.

“I wish this wasn’t happening.” For the first time since he got his diagnosis, Oliver starts to cry. “I don’t want to leave you and Langa. I want to see him grow up and fall in love. I want to see your hair turn gray.”

“I want that, too,” she says. She grips his hand tightly and lets her own tears roll down her cheeks. “How am I going to do this without you?”

He tries to crack one of his crooked grins. “You’re a smart lady. You’ll figure it out.”

*

A few nights later, Nanako and Langa are woken in the middle of the night, and they rush to the hospital. They get there in time for each of them to hold one of Oliver’s hands as he takes his last breath.

*

Like Oliver wanted, he’s cremated and buried in Princeton, next to his grandparents in the Campbell family plot. His parents take them out for lunch at a Swiss Chalet, and Langa barely eats. He has the letter Oliver wrote him clenched in his fist. He hasn’t read it yet; the envelope is still sealed.

Nanako won’t push. He’ll read it when he’s ready.

*

They go up the mountain that winter.

Langa stands at the top of the slope and stares down it. He does this for twenty minutes, and walks back to the lodge.

*

“We can’t stay here,” Nanako tells Barbara a few weeks after Christmas. “It’s—it’s killing Langa, being  here without Oliver. He’s not eating, he’s barely sleeping…” She chokes back a sob, and melts into the warm embrace her mother-in-law offers her.

“You’ll always be family,” Barbara assures her. “Do what you need to do. We’ll always be here if you need us.”

*

“I’m thinking we should move back to Japan,” Nanako says to Langa later that night. She doesn’t really want to go back to Japan, but Teiko is gone. For good, now that the Miracles thwarted their attempt to build a new one near Hawaii not long after the Special Diet. There’s no reason not to go there, when that’s where they came from and the country in the world most comfortable with mutant children.

Langa, still blank, says, “Okay,” and then nothing else for the rest of the night.

*

They sell the house, find an apartment in Okinawa, say goodbye to the Campbells, and get on a plane to the country they fled almost ten years ago.

I hope I’m doing the right thing, Oliver.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Unlikely Parents: Part 1

Pairings: Negan x reader (Jane the Virgin AU), Hotel owner!Negan x Parolee!Reader

Warnings: Artificial insemination, Swearing, Angst

Word Count: 3,539

A/N: Yea, this took on a life of its own.... Not sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I understand what you’re going through.” It took a few moments for those six words to permeate the fog in your brain, but when it did, you looked up at the woman that destroyed your life. 

“You understand what I’m going through.” You repeated, interrupting the speech she had probably spent the past two weeks rehearsing instead of calling you to tell you about her mistake. “YOU UNDERSTAND?!”

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry.” Your OBGYN, Luisa said as she tried to take a step back away from you, but bumped in to the counter behind her instead.

“I fucking told you!” You screamed as you jumped off the exam table and grabbed your jeans. “I never wanted kid because of my past. And you fucking told me that you would do the fucking hysterectomy when I got out! So why the fuck, am I fucking pregnant Luisa?!”

“I made a mistake.” She said with tears in her eyes as you threw on your clothes.

“Yea, one big fucking mistake.” You huffed as you threw your gown at her. “And now, I’m fucking stuck with your mistake for the rest of my fucking life.” With a shake of your head, you grabbed your purse, and walked out the door with furious tears in your eyes.

——

Your one bedroom Miami apartment looked ten times more grungy than it normally did to you as you dropped your dollar store groceries on the permanently stained counter top in your pathetic excuse for a kitchen. The keys to your hunk of junk car got tossed in the bowl beside your probation officer’s business card, and all of the crap you had carted home with you from prison when you were released. You fished out a package of Ramen from the bag and grabbed one of the mismatched glass bowls from the drying rack on the counter, when someone knocked on the door behind you.

“’s’open!” You yelled before ripping open the bag and dumping it in the bowl. You fished out the flavor packet with a sigh and turned on the sink as you glanced over your shoulder at what you could see of the well dressed man that looked out of place when he stepped into your main room. “What, you my new PO or something?”

“No…” He said hesitantly. “I guess I’m the father of your child. My name is Negan.” You smirked as you pulled open the microwave and put the bowl in. 

“Well, she’s just writing her fucking lawsuit for me, isn’t she?” You asked over the high pitched beeps. 

“I had a private investigator find you. We need to talk…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll terminate if that’s why you’re here.” You interrupted as you grabbed your bags to put away your groceries. “Thing’s making me fucking nauseous anyways…”

“Yea, that’s not fucking happening.” You froze with a stack of Ramen packets in your hand and turned to look at the stranger in your living room for the first time since he had walked in. He shook his head and pulled a check book out of the inside pocket of his expensive looking jacket. “I will pay you five hundred thousand now, and five hundred thousand dollars upon delivery of a healthy child…”

“You what?!” You laughed as you set your food packets down on the counter and put your hand on your hip. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“I’m the father of that child.” He said simply as he looked up at you with his heart on his sleeve. “And that child… it’s the only fucking chance I have at being a father. I had cancer five years ago, and that… sample… is the only one I have left. So what do you want, half a mil? A million? Two? What?” You shook your head as your stomach rolled, and ran past him toward the small bathroom off the kitchen. You threw up what little lunch you had in the permanently stained toilet, and fell back on the tile floor that was missing most of its tile. You could hear your pulse with each retch, and you really wished you had been able to eat more than just a dollar menu burger you had to pay for with dimes while you were out looking for a job. 

“Oh, this is just disgusting.”

“Fuck off.” You groaned before getting sick again. “Fuck this.”

“Please, (Y/N)…” Negan begged as he held out a handkerchief. “Please. I’m literally begging you…”

“Fine.” You sighed. “Whatever. You want the thing? You can have it.” He let out a sigh of relief and nodded his head as you pushed yourself up off the floor to slip past him. “Don’t want your fucking money…”

“OK…”

“Fuck…” You groaned as you headed back out to grab your dinner. “I didn’t fucking want kids…”

“Well, thank you for being a surrogate for mine…”

“Yea, don’t worry about it.” You groaned as you ripped open the flavor packed with your teeth.

“Wait, is that what you’re eating?” You looked up at him through your lashes as you grabbed your only fork from the drying rack.

“What, my prison pallet not good enough for you?”

“It’s not good enough for any human being.” He said as he picked up his check book from the counter and put it back in his pocket. “Just like these living arrangements. I’m putting an end to this if you’re going to be growing my child…”

“What, you’re putting me up in the fucking Ritz?” You laughed as you took a bite of Ramen before the bowl was pulled from your hands.

“Nope. The Marbella.”

——

“Well these are some fancy digs.” You said as you walked around the expensive suite you were calling home for the next nine months. “Waste of a room on me though.”

“Not for you.” Negan grumbled as he watched your probation officer search the room to make sure it was appropriate for the criminal to live in.

“You got a job yet, (Y/L/N)?” Officer Dixon growled as he started pulling mini liquor bottles from the mini fridge, even though you were pregnant and wouldn’t be drinking them anyways.

“She’ll be working for me.” Negan said before you could respond, which made you stop at the open back door to look over at him with your eyebrow raised. “I need a cashier at the pool bar.”

“Whatever.” You huffed as you stepped through the curtain and out on to the balcony. You closed your eyes for a moment to feel the warmth, and looked out at the setting sun sky, something you missed desperately when you were behind bars. You had been out this time for only three weeks after a seven year stint, but this was the first moment you were able to stop and just exist.

“(Y/N)?” A woman asked softly behind you, making you turn away from the rail toward her. The shorter brunette, who was wearing a little black dress, high heels, and pearls smiled at you shyly and held up a small basket. “My name’s Lucille, I’m Negan’s wife. I brought you some things to make the pregnancy a little easier.” You nodded your head and took a step toward the basket she had set down on the table, and didn’t miss the way she took a step back from you at the same time.

“Thanks.” You said as you picked up the Parenting magazine from the top of the pile fanned out across the back. “I’m not going to be a parent. Won’t need this…”

“You’ll be a parent.” She said, slightly hesitantly. “You will just be making the ultimate sacrifice.”

“Yea, well this kid’s probably better off without me in its life. Thanks for this.” You said with a gesture as you ripped open a bag of ‘Preggie Pops’ and used your teeth to pull off the wrapper of one. “Nice meeting you.”

“Did you kill someone?” She asked abruptly as you turned back toward the rail to watch the waves crash along the shore line. Negan barked her name from inside the suite, but you simply rested your arms on the rail and used your tongue to move the lollypop to the other side of your mouth. “W-we saw the drug case from seven years ago, but your juvie record is sealed, and the man you were arrested with is serving life for murder… I just… I have to know…”

“Look, lady. You don’t have to know shit.” You responded as you pulled the sucker from your mouth and looked over your shoulder at her. “My juvie record is sealed for a reason. And trust me, I don’t want me around this kid anymore than you do. So let me do my next section of fucking time in peace, then I’ll be out of your fucking hair forever. ‘K?” She nodded her head and took another step back as you turned back toward the beach and put the lollypop back in your mouth once more. You heard Negan say something to her inside, but you didn’t really care to try to eavesdrop, as your PO stepped out onto the patio.

“You know the drill, (Y/L/N).” He said as he held out a clear plastic cup for you to pee in for a random drug test. With a roll of your eyes, you took the cup from him and headed inside to the bathroom. You didn’t expect Negan to wait around in the living room as you did your drug test, and you cocked your eyebrow at him after officer Dixon had you sign off the paperwork he needed for the drug test and for your new living arraignments.

“I didn’t kill anyone.” You told him as you sat down on the arm of one of the couches near him. “I was sixteen years old and was actually in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don’t expect you to believe me. No one ever does. But I didn’t kill anyone. I just knew the kid who did and gave him a ride to the grocery store he robbed.”

“But you are a fucking drug trafficker.”

“Never once denied that.” You said back as you moved the lollypop to the other cheek. “I moved those pills to try to make some money to get out of the ghetto to do something better with my life and to get away from the accessory to murder charge I caught as a teen. I know what I did and I pled guilty to it because being a felon is apparently all I’m going to be in life. And that’s why I know I can’t be a mother. I’ll never be able to get my feet under me to give a kid a better life, no matter how much I want it. So yea, I’ll have your kid… but being an incubator is all I can do because the cards are stacked against me and have been from the jump.” You looked up at him and shrugged your shoulders. “Thanks for the job. I’ll just work for my room and board…”

“What happened to your parents?” He asked as he sat down on the couch as you stood up to walk away. With a sigh, you turned back around, and sat down on the other couch facing him. 

“Prison.” You sighed as you ran your fingers through your hair. “I think. Fuck if I know. Ain’t seen either of them since I was in juvie. When I got out at 21, they were gone, and the apartment you found me in was empty and trashed.” He sighed and nodded his head as he tried to figure out what to say next.

“Are you an addict?”

“No, just a trafficker.”

“Are you a threat to my child?”

“Depends.” You breathed as you bit the last part of the sucker and laid the stick on your knee. “With you unnecessarily paying my bills and giving me a job? No, I’m not threat. If I had been left out on the streets? Yea, most likely. I’m up against a wall with a baby I can’t afford to take care of properly. I’ll probably live off dollar store ramen and multivitamins I’ll end up having to steal. The system is rigged.” You groaned as you leaned back against the seat. “Which is why I didn’t want kids. They don’t deserve this fucking cursed life.” He didn’t say a word as he looked at your stomach. You waited a few moments, before clearing your throat, and standing up when your stomach growled. “Guess it’s room service time.”

“Yea, yea you’re probably right.” With a small nod, you took the menu from him as he got up. “If you need anything, call the desk, they’ll put you through to me. Head down to the pool tomorrow at 10am and we’ll get you started at work.”

“Thanks Negan.” He nodded his head but didn’t look back as he walked quickly out of your room and closed the door sharply behind him. 

——

Ever since you were a child, you were never one to make friends. You were the welfare kid, that owned exactly one week’s worth of clothes, who spend most of her time in and out of foster homes because your parents couldn’t be bothered to raise a child neither of them wanted. Despite that, you were still a straight A student until you got arrested. But just like back then, you had absolutely zero intention of making friends at this job. Especially if you were being forced to wear some matching skank dress that Lucille had dropped off that morning, along with makeup, and enough hair products to blow a hole in the ozone. 

“Fucking ridiculous.” You grumbled to yourself as you dropped the bags on the bathroom counter and grabbed a croissant from the breakfast tray that made you grateful beyond words that you were out of prison and eating actual food again. You begrudgingly threw on your work outfit and headed out of your room to head down to your new job- without a single product in your hair and only a single swoop of mascara per eye.

“You must be (Y/N).” A young woman said as you walked up to the counter toward her. “I’m Beth, you’re going to be shadowing me for a couple days.” You startled the slightest bit when she stepped into your personal space, and it took you everything in your being not to yank her backwards by her blonde ponytail to get her away from you. “Lucille told me all about you. Don’t worry, my daddy was in jail for a DUI, too. It’s OK, I won’t tell anyone.”

“That’s nice.” You said with a nod as she finally stepped out of your bubble. 

“OK so this is like… super simple. Everything is automatic. All you have to do is pull up the category of what kind of food it is and then find the name on the tablet and add it to the order. Then you add the numbers of one of the little flags, and you’re all done. Then you just have to pour drinks for the food runners…”

“OK, you fucking get that I’ve spent seven years in prison, right?” You asked as you looked at the tablet she was talking about.

“OK. That’s OK.” She said with an even bigger smile. “So let’s actually look at it, OK?” You sighed loudly in annoyance as she gently pushed you in front of the register. No matter how much she annoyed you, Beth was surprisingly very helpful in quickly catching up on technology you obviously missed, and patiently teaching you the job despite the fact that lunch was pretty busy by the pool. At 2:30, you were finally rescued by someone you didn’t know, who simply told you you needed to head up to the 17th floor.

“Oh, wait!” Beth said as she grabbed the money from the tip jar beside the register you had been out. She quickly counted it out and handed you half with a giant smile. “I work a double so I’ll tip out the kitchen out of my part tonight. See you tomorrow.” You nodded slowly and reached out to take the money from her. You huffed and folded the bills up as you turned in your flats and followed the person to the elevator and up to the 17th floor. 

“You must be (Y/N).” A woman behind a desk said as you stepped out of the elevator. “Mr. Solano is expecting you.”

“Ooo…K?” You said hesitantly as you put your tips in your shallow pocket and followed her into the office behind her desk. Your new boss and baby daddy looked up from his computer and gestured you forward.

“So I’ve spoken to your probation officer.” Negan said as he stood up and grabbed some papers off his printer and set them down on the table between you. “And since you’re carrying my child, I’ve taken it upon myself to become your… like fucking sponsor or some shit.”

“My what?” You laughed as you scooted forward in your chair. “And who the fuck…”

“I’m the fucking father of that child!” He yelled, and you quickly sat back in your chair in shock. “And for the next nine fucking months, you will do as I fucking say so that my child is not born in a fucking prison, do I make myself fucking clear?” You nodded your head as he spread out the pages in front of you and grabbed a pen. “Now, your probation mandates you pay fifty dollars a month for fees, and twelve hundred in restitution and fines. So I’ll pay you twelve an hour, and give you 40 hours a week down stairs. While you are pregnant, I will cover your housing finances so I know my child has a roof over its head, and your food bills so I know it is being fed properly and thrice daily.”

“Why?”

“Your paychecks.” He continued over you as he pointed to the next paper. “Will go to pay off your fines. The rest I will be putting into a savings for you so you can get a place when you give birth…”

“Wait, what do you mean you…”

“Again, looking after my fucking child.” He interrupted. “You will make all of your appointments, with your doctor and with your probation officer. You will make every shift you have at work until a doctor tells you you are no longer able to. You will not leave the hotel without an escort. If you do, I will sue you.”

“You’ll sue me?!”

“You’re carrying precious cargo.” He said as he searched your eyes. “My… precious cargo. And unfortunately, you’re a felon. A felon that I neither know nor trust. How do I know you’re not gunna fucking take off and sell my son or daughter on the black market…”

“OK, hold the fuck on!” You snapped as you leapt to your feet. “Bro, I sold drugs, not fucking babies!”

“You will submit to weekly drug tests outside of the ones mandated by your probation officer…”

“OK, no. Fuck this.” You said as you stepped back away from the desk with tears in your eyes. “No, I want out. I’m not looking to be some prisoner here…”

“You don’t have a choice!” Negan tried as you turned toward the door, but you shook your head and whipped back around.

“Oh, I do have a fucking choice! See, I don’t mind finishing my time in fucking prison. No fucking skin off my back. I know that life a lot better than I know life out here. I’d get three meals a day and a bitch named Betty to suck my clit when I need it. I could also walk out this door and get a fucking abortion at the Planned Parenthood down the road. But I won’t fucking do that. Surprisingly, I’m a halfway decent person despite my shitty upbringing. So please, just because I’m a fucking piece of shit, doesn’t give you the fucking right to treat me as such.” You shook your head and huffed as you looked at the man you didn’t know that was trying to control your life. 

“Don’t worry about me. Just slip a work schedule under my door every week, and I’ll let you know when my probation appointments and doctor visits are unless you’re the one wanting that fucking responsibility too. I don’t really give a shit. I’ve been in prison for seven years and you’re paying for me to live in a hotel with cable I don’t have to share with 20 other bitches, and room service. Don’t want me to leave? That was never a concern. But don’t you think I should have a fucking say in my life, even if I don’t have a say with my reproductive organs right now?” Negan sat a little shocked as you turned toward the door to leave.

“(Y/N)…”

“Don’t fucking bother.” You barked as you ripped open the office door. “Just put my work schedule under my door.”

Part 2

[rebel-without-cause-x]

She Ain’t You II

I MIGHT do a part 3 to this one like I did with hungover, as I have an idea where this could go. Some storylines I end up getting more ideas for more parts rather than a whole book.

Adam Ruzek x Reader 

Part 1 Part 3

RUZEK MASTERLIST

It had been a year since you transferred out of intelligence and into the gang unit in New York.

You knew that after the night at mollys Adam broke it off with Belle and hasn't been with anyone else and also hasn't been his self since your fight. As you kept in regular contact with Kevin and Antonio.

As you sat at your desk your Sargent came over.

"I've got Hank voight on the phone wanting to speak to you"

"Thanks" you nodded picking your phone up. "Voight"

"(Y/L/N) how you doing kiddo" Hank asked

What people didn't realise was Hank was your uncle so the transfer was smooth and instant with the real reason hidden.

"I'm actually doing good" you smiled as you rested your hand on your swollen stomach.

"And how's bump doing?" He asked.

"I swear this little one is using my insides as a punching bag" you laughed "but it's worth it. Now why do I get the feeling this isn't a personal call"

"You know your uncle well then" he chuckled "actually I need your help on a case"

"Really" you groaned.

"Yes kiddo, we brought one of your cis in as her sister was murdered but she knows something and is refusing to talk to anyone but you" he said

"Okay I will clear it with my Sarge and will be on the first flight to Chicago" you said grabbing your personal phone and bag.

"Ring me when you land and I will come pick you up"

———

"So who actually knows you are pregnant?" Hank asked taking your gym bag from you.

"Urm you, Kev and tonio" you said zipping your coat up.

"You going to be okay around Ruzek?" He asked.

"I can't speak for Ruzek but I can be professional" you nodded.

"He might flip when he sees your stomach" Hank laughed.

"Let him, he isn't part of my life any more uncle Hank" you said climbing into the car.

———

You heard the guys laughing as they came up the stairs.

"I know them battered converse anywhere" Antonio laughed hugging me from behind.

"Hey tonio" you grinned spinning round to give him a proper hug but your bump got in the way.

"Jheeze this ones growing fast since I saw you a couple months back" he whispered placing his hand on my stomach as the baby kicked.

"Yeah and looking like a future boxer as well" you laughed pulling away from the hug.

"So Voights got me up to speed with the case, where is Jessie?" You asked.

You could have sworn Adam's eyes lit up when he saw you until Antonio moved out the way and his eyes fell on you stomach. Then it was a look of hurt and anger.

"She's in the interview room" Antonio smiled placing a hand on my shoulder leading me to the room.

"I told you I'm not speaking to anyone but (Y/N)" Jessie shouted.

"I know that's why we made some calls and got her to fly out from New York" Antonio nodded as you walked in the door.

"Now Jessie you need to tell me everything you know because I want to catch this son of a bitch" you said sitting down.

After 10 minutes you got all the information you needed to start figuring out who the murder was. As what Jessie didn't know the name of the guy just what he looked like and what happened between him and her sister.

This whole thing could have been done over FaceTime but you secretly thought this was part of Hank and Antonio's plan on getting yo and Adam speaking again, the fact it involved a case made it easier.

"So how long we got you for?" Kevin asked.

"Till this case is over" you smiled

"Good, hows your sister doing?" He asked.

"She's doing well" you smiled "especially now"

The rest of the shift went really well, nothing kicked off between you and Adam but the night was still young.

"Can we go for a chat?" Adam asked

"Yeah sure" you nodded pushing your self up following Adam into the locker room.

"I was gonna ask how things are going but judging by your stomach I know the answer to that" he sighed.

"Trust me Adam it's not how it looks" you whispered.

"It looks pretty obvious to me" he spat "so the roles have reversed I'm miserable and you've moved on. After that night I broke up with Belle because I knew I should have never broke up with you and I should have talked things through and literally the next day I came to find you but you had already left for New York and now you are pregnant and we haven't spoke for who knows how long"

He was pacing around the locker room.

"I'm not going to argue with you ok Adam" you sighed "I can honestly say I am still single because I do still love you and to be honest I think I always will"

"Didn't stop you getting pregnant though" he scoffed.

"Right ok you need to listen to me" you sighed "you remember that car accident my sister got in a couple of years ago"

"Yeah I still don't know how she walked away from that" he mumbled.

"Well her injuries were that bad she had to have a hysterectomy" you said as he sat down and you could see him piecing everything together.

"So the baby isn't yours?" He asked.

"No, I'm carrying my niece or nephew" you smiled softly at him.

Adam then realised that there still might be a slither of hope left for you two after all.

"I know I was a jerk and I actually hate myself for who and what I have become. Like I said I should have told you how I was feeling instead I ran and lost the best fucking thing that ever happened to me" he said as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "Is there any chance at all we can go back to how we was?"

"Adam" you sighed taking his hand in yours. "We both know we can't just jump back to how we was, even though I am still crazily in love with you"

"I know" he sniffed.

"I'm not ruling it out though, I think we just need to take things slow, like building the friendship back up slow. We haven't spoke in a year and the last time we did we both said things in the past we didn't mean" you whispered as you slid closer to him.

"So what do you want to do?" He asked.

"Let's take things day by day, I'm going to be going back to New York after the case and to have this baby and I think that will help us, being in different states as it means we can focus of building back up. Let's see where we are in 3 months time" you whispered as he lent his head against your shoulder.

"Can I give you a hug?" He mumbled.

You didn't say anything but opened your arms out pulling him into a hug.

Even after every thing that had happened being in Adam's arms still felt like home.

"Yo I don't hear any screaming so we all good in here?" Kevin said coming into the locker room seeing you and Adam holding each other tight.

"Yeah we are good" Adam nodded pulling away smiling softly at you.

[cerezsis]

Too Soon

Human AU

Summary: Winona Damon is pregnant with baby #3. All is going well… until it’s not.

WARNING: This story depicts blood, premature labor, and pregnancy/birth complications. Tread cautiously if you are bothered by any of those topics.

--

           “Good morning, Mrs. Damon,” the young secretary greeted.

           The 45-year-old CEO barely even nodded in response as she headed to her office. She was far too busy to bother with pleasantries. The new summer collection was due to launch in less than a month, and there was still so much to do.

           Winona closed the office door behind her and immediately began shuffling through papers. She groaned internally as she caught a glimpse of the clock. She had barely a half hour until her first conference call. Normally she arrived to work at least an hour earlier than she had that day, but the small bump in her abdomen had caused her to run behind. This was her second pregnancy and third child, so she knew well all the ways it could slow her down, but this one was already causing her more grief than the twins had. Perhaps it was because she was much older than she’d been when she had Yvonne and Beatrix, but stars she was so much more tired this time around. It was bad enough that her unborn daughter had a habit of using her bladder as a trampoline, but add in the round ligament pains, and trying to sleep was impossible.

           Just as she always did, Winona pulled herself together in time for the conference call. It was the usual talks of which rings should be the center focus of the commercials and which bracelets should appear largest in the print adds. About halfway through the call, Winona stood up from her desk to retrieve the file of sample earring ads, when she felt a painful tightening in her abdomen. A small cry escaped her lips, not unlike the sound one would make after stubbing their bare toe on a sharp corner.

           Round ligament pains again, Winona rationalized, I stood up too fast.

           The conference call continued as planned, but Winona wasn’t as focused as she’d been before. This tightness in her abdomen had never happened before, and she couldn’t shake the feeling of unnerve. The remaining hour and a half of the call could have been pure static for all she knew. She was too preoccupied with the persistent thought that she needed to call her OBGYN.

           Winona started to breathe easier as the executives and heads of marketing and advertising began their words of departures. She had a few hours until her next meeting, which would give her plenty of time if her doctor thought her concerns warranted a trip to her office. Just as Winona was about to say a hasty goodbye, she was silenced by the feeling of something warm gush between her legs. Her immediate thought was that the baby had hit her bladder too hard, but that went out the window when she saw her white skirt rapidly turning red.

           “Mrs. Damon are you still there?” an executive on the other line asked.

           Winona had already slammed open her office door before the question had been fished. The intern screamed at the sight of her, alerting the sea of cubicles to their boss’s plight. Winona found herself unable to move as blood pooled at her feet. Her body was shaking and sweating as she felt the color quickly drain from her face. Half the room was frozen in fear, and the other half was rushing to her aid. The lights were getting dimmer. Her secretary caught her as she fainted.

           Her last thought before completely blacking out was of the stillness in her abdomen.

--

           “What do you mean you’re delivering the baby!?” Yvonne screamed at the attending nurse. She and Beatrix had been in school when they got word of their mother’s condition. Naturally, they’d left immediately for the hospital. Beatrix hadn’t stopped crying since they got in the car. “Mom’s only five months pregnant!”

           “Ms. Damon, normally we’d try to hold off delivery for as long as possible, but the placenta has detached completely,” the nurse explained, “With the amount your mother is hemorrhaging, if we don’t deliver now, both she and the baby will die.”

           Beatrix cried harder. Yvonne’s jaw clenched, and her hands were balled in fists.

           “What’s going to happen to the baby?”

           “We’re going to do all we can for her Ms. Damon, but in my professional opinion, 24 weeks gestation is far too early for there to be a predictable outcome. Her odds of surviving are anywhere from 30-50%.”

           Yvonne’s jaw clenched tighter. She didn’t like those odds.

           “We’ll notify you when your mother’s out of surgery,” the nurse went on, “If the damage to her womb is as bad as the doctor’s predicting, we might have to perform a hysterectomy. We’ll keep you two updated.”

           Yvonne nodded. As the nurse hurried off, the elder twin turned her attention to her crying sister.

           “It’s going to be ok, Bea,” Yvonne assured her as she sat down in the seat next to her, “You know mom. She’s going to pull through.”

           “B-but the baby,” Beatrix sobbed, “Y-Yvonne, our b-baby sister…”

           She couldn’t complete her sentence. Yvonne held her as she began to cry harder.

--

           The sound of consistent beeping was the first thing Winona heard as she started to come to. She tried to recall what had happened and where she was, but getting her thoughts straight was like trying to navigate through a maze in a sea of fog. Opening her eyes, she could make out two tubes attached to her arm; one for an IV drip and one for a blood transfusion. Something attached to her finger was monitoring her pulse and heart rate. Still clouded in confusion, she tried to sit up, but was stopped by her attending nurse.

           “It’s too soon Mrs. Damon,” she advised.

           Right on cue, Winona felt a sharp pain spike through her abdomen. She hissed as she laid back down, instinctively placing her hand on what should’ve been her baby bump. It was then that it all came rushing back to her.

           “My baby! Where is she?”

           “She’s in the NICU, Mrs. Damon. You’ll be able to see her tomorrow morning.”

           “You will take me to see her now,” Winona demanded.

           “Mrs. Damon…” The nurse chose her next words carefully. “Due to the damaged caused by the placental abruption, we had to perform a postpartum hysterectomy. The doctor doesn’t want you out of bed until tomorrow.”

           Winona stared blankly at the nurse. She wasn’t sure how to process that. She hadn’t planned on having more children after this one, but a hysterectomy…

           She decided she’d have to figure out how she felt about that later. What truly mattered right now was her baby.

           “What’s happening with my baby? Is she…”

           “She’s not doing great, but it’s too soon to come up with a prognosis. Babies born at this stage are very touch and go.”

           “So what you’re saying is my baby could die at any moment, and you’re not even going to let me see her?”

           “That’s not what I-”

           “No, let me finish,” Winona interrupted, her tone quickly shifting from one of fear to anger, “Do you know who I am? I’m Winona Damon, founder and CEO of Damon’s Diamonds. I could buy this whole hospital if I wanted to. I will not sit here and be told what to do by someone who’s worth less than my Porsche. Now, go do whatever you have to do to get me to my baby girl, or I will have your job!”

           The nurse stood there for a moment, speechless. Finally, she walked out of the room without another word. Winona waited, impatiently, for her to return with a wheelchair and whatever else she needed to make her mobile, but instead she was greeted by an agitated looking Yvonne and a clearly hysterical Beatrix.

           “How are you feeling, mother?” Yvonne asked, though her tone sounded like she’d rather be asking “Why on god’s green earth are you threatening the hospital staff?”

           “Where has that nurse gone to?” Winona demanded.

           “Mother, please,” Yvonne begged, she and Beatrix moving to stand at their mother’s bedside.

           “You just had major surgery!” Beatrix added, “You need to rest.”

           “What I need is to get to your little sister,” Winona protested, “Have you two seen her yet?”

           “No, but-”

           “We’ll go together then. One of you go get the nurse.”

           “Mother-”

           “Don’t you “mother” me! I’m the parent, you’re the child! You listen to me! Now one of you go bring that nurse back here or so help me I’ll-!”

           “Alright, alright, mother!” Yvonne said, mostly out of fear Winona would end up reopening her wound if she didn’t calm down, “I’ll talk to the nurse and see what I can do.”

           Winona was satisfied enough with that response. Yvonne left the room, Beatrix following close behind her. She didn’t like being alone with her mother when she was angry.

           After much arguing with nurses and doctors, and having to sign several wavers stating she understood the consequences of disobeying doctors’ orders, Winona was finally wheeled down to the NICU, her teenage daughters following alongside. It had the most depressing energy out of everywhere else in the maternity ward, riddled with sick babies and scared parents. The Damon women were soon at the side of the incubator labeled with their family name. Beatrix gasped, Yvonne’s eyes widened, and Winona stared blankly at the much too tiny creature that was housed inside of the incubator. She was skinny, wrinkly, and hooked up to so many tubes and wires. Her delicate eyes were covered with a tiny eye mask, too sensitive for the fluorescent lights of the hospital. She was so still, the only indication that she was alive coming from all the machines she was hooked up to. The twin sisters looked at each other, communicating without words that this thing looked more like an alien creature than a baby.

           “I’m sorry to say that I can only allow you to look at her,” the doctor explained, “She’s too weak to be held, or even touched right now.”

           Winona was silent. Yvonne and Beatrix were silent. This little thing was so fragile. How could it ever fulfill the dream of the bright young heiress they all envisioned?

           “Well, I’m assuming you’ve had time to examine her,” Yvonne said to the doctor, “What’s the prognosis?”

           “As I’ve already explained, Ms. Damon, I can’t say for sure at this point. Things can change from minute to minute.”

           “But what about this minute?” Beatrix begged, “What are things looking like this minute?”

           The doctor’s expression dropped.

           “Right now… I wouldn’t encourage getting your hopes up.”

           The twins expressions dropped alongside the doctor’s. They’d expected as much, but to hear it out loud…

           “Piper,” Winona finally spoke.

           All eyes turned to the new mother.

           “Pardon me, Mrs. Damon?”

           “Piper. Her name is Piper.”

--

           It had been three weeks since Piper Damon was brought into the world. Though she was on doctor’s orders to get as much rest as possible, Winona hadn’t missed a second of visiting hours. She’d been warned several times that her recovery time would be much longer if she didn’t take it easy, but, as she often did, Winona dismissed their concerns in favor of her own instincts. Nothing would keep her from her baby, especially not today.

           Winona sat in a curtained off area in the NICU, little Piper in the incubator beside her. Unbuttoning the last button of her blouse, she watched in anticipation as the nurse removed the impossibly tiny baby from her incubator. At long last, Winona’s newborn was placed on her bare chest, a baby blanket provided by the hospital placed over them.

           The mother smiled at the baby, who, though still connected to several wires and tubes, was finally where she was supposed to be; in her mother’s arms.

           “Hello Starlight,” Winona softly said.

           Piper’s eyelids began to twitch. She didn’t need to keep her eye mask on for as long of periods anymore, and just a few days ago she opened her eyes for the first time. Winona hadn’t been lucky enough to be there to see it, and Piper had still yet to open her eyes during visiting hours. Maybe now she’d finally get the chance to look into her daughter’s beautiful eyes.

           Winona gently ran her finger down Piper’s pencil thin arm, stopping when she reached her impossibly tiny hand. The nurse had gone to tend to another family. It was just the two of them now.

           “Baby mine, don’t you cry,” Winona began to sing, “Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.”

           Piper’s eyelids continued to twitch. She was clearly reacting to her mother’s voice.

           “Little one, when you play, pay no heed what they say. Let your eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby of mine.

           “If they knew all about you, they’d end up loving you too. All those same people who scold you, what they’d give just for the right to hold you.

           “From your head down to your toes, you’re not much, goodness knows, but you’re so precious to me. Sweet as can be, baby of mine.”

           As the song came to an end, Piper’s tiny eyes fluttered open. Winona smiled proudly as she held onto the baby’s doll sized fist. Her eyes were a bright blue, though were likely to change as she got older. Winona hoped they’d turn gray, like her own.

           “There you are,” she quietly said to the baby.

           As quickly as they were open, Piper’s eyes shut again. Though it felt too soon, Winona was so happy to finally see it.

           “We’re all so excited to bring you home. We’re already almost finished with your nursery. Everyone’s told me not to get my hopes up, but I know you’re a fighter. You’re a Damon, after all. Soon you, me, and your sisters will all be together in the estate. You’ll have many toys to play with, you’ll want for nothing. Doesn’t that sound lovely, Piper?”

           Though her view was obstructed by the breathing tube, Winona could’ve sworn she saw Piper smile.

[aliceslantern]

Serendipity, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 3

ser·en·dip·i·ty | n -- the occurrence of an unplanned fortunate discovery.

It's all fun and games until someone gets pregnant.

Modern AU, Zemyx, Ienzo is trans and afab

Chapter summary:  Ienzo and Demyx decide what they want to do with this unplanned pregnancy.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Ienzo went through the next few days in a haze. The word echoed heavily in his mind--

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

He didn’t look it. His stomach was as flat as it ever was. This clump of cells, such as it were, was only a few weeks old. Perhaps not viable.

Could he see a pregnancy through? Imagine himself swollen, heavy? And what of the other end, a whole human being he’d need to care for? He’d wanted children, but he’d figured it would have been ten, fifteen years in the future--and then, adoption. He hadn’t anticipated anything biological. Hell, he’d fully planned on having a hysterectomy at some point. Not to mention, he and Demyx were faring well, but it had only been months. This was a greater commitment than marriage.

He couldn’t keep this pregnancy. That’s all. It was a mistake, a blip on the radar. But for clarity’s sake, he did need to tell Demyx. It was only fair. He’d regret it if he didn’t.

The thought of it made sleeping impossible. He stumbled through the workday blearily, and when he got home he was unable to make the dinner he’d planned for. He sat on the couch, hugging himself tightly, imaging himself spitting out those words. This was all his fault.

When Demyx got back from class, he noticed the variance in Ienzo’s mood immediately. “Hey,” he said. “What's going on? Bad day?”

He swallowed, feeling a lump in his throat. “I… suppose…”

Demyx sat next to him. “What happened?”

He tried to gather the nerve. “I need to tell you something.”

Something like fear sparked in his eyes. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

He felt the tears there, tremulous.

Demyx took his hand; he snatched it away. “Talk to me,” he said. “I can’t fix what I don’t know.”

He swallowed. He was shaking all over. “I… received some news,” he said slowly. “I figured out what’s wrong with me.”

“Isn’t that good?”

The wetness ran over. “I’m… I’m pregnant.”

There was a substantial pause. Demyx snorted. “Okay, real funny.”

He looked up. “It’s not a joke. I really am.”

He froze. “Oh.”

“I… I thought it wasn’t possible. And for the majority of people on T, it isn’t.” He gritted his teeth. “I guess I’m just lucky.”

“Oh,” Demyx repeated.

“I… I wanted to tell you. Before I made any decisions.”

“Thank you,” he said numbly. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Ienzo. This is my fault.”

“If we’re being technical, it’s both our faults,” he said.

“What do you want to do?”

“I…” He swallowed. “I don’t know. I’m still in shock.” Ienzo felt a bit faint. “What if there’s something wrong with it? From the hormones?”

“I doubt that.”

“But what if I can’t carry it the whole term--” He hugged himself tightly.

Demyx embraced him gently. “It’s your body,” he said softly. “Whatever you decide, I’m with you.”

“But this thing is also half yours.”

“I’m not the one who’s going to carry it and give birth to it,” Demyx said. There was something distant in his eyes.

“What do you want ?”

He pressed his forehead against Ienzo’s. “I want to make you happy,” he said. “That’s all. Whatever that means.”

---

This news did make things awkward between them, as he tried to slog through the next few days. Demyx seemed to be constantly walking on eggshells around him. Ienzo was exhausted, sluggish. He kicked things back and forth in his mind--

The finances. The newness of his relationship. The threat of the pregnancy triggering dormant dysphoria. His testosterone hurting the embryo. He needed to talk to someone, someone he could trust to be level headed.

Ienzo called his father.

Ansem was a busy man. Being a politician would do that. Trying to explain things to his other father only gave him anxiety. He needed real, solid advice.

It was a beautiful spring day. He was feeling swollen, despite the fact that he was too early along to show. His pregnancy had recently escalated to morning sickness, and it wasn’t fun. He was still sipping ginger tea in an attempt to reign it in when he saw him approach in the park.

“Waiting long?” he asked, leaning in for a hug. “Ienzo, I must say. Since I last saw you, you are positively glowing. Nothing like young love.”

“Glowing.” He snorted. Unfortunately, it was true. Since he'd been pregnant his complexion was flawless.

“Shall we walk?”

He followed him through the park, the just-blooming flowers. Parents playing with their kids. Bright, warm sunlight.

“All is well, I hope?” Ansem asked. “You seem distant this afternoon.”

“I’m afraid I have ulterior motives, for speaking with you,” he said. “I need some… fatherly advice. As it were.”

“All in the contract,” Ansem said, with a smile.

“You recall I’ve started a new relationship.”

“Not so new. It’s been some time since you mentioned it.” Ansem cocked his head. “I’m glad, to see you find someone. I’d hoped you would eventually.”

“I’m afraid I’m… dealing with a dilemma.” He looked at the lake, at the ducks. He admitted it to the water. “I’ve conceived.”

For a moment all that was audible was the splashing of ducks. “Are you… quite sure?” Ansem asked. “I thought--”

“Yes. I did too.” He sighed. “The proof is in the pudding. So to speak.”

Ansem touched his arm. “Do you feel alright?”

“Nauseous, emotional, humiliated,” he said. “But yes, fine, I suppose.”

“The chances of this happening must be--”

“Incredibly slim.” He felt his hand on his stomach and pulled it away. “Lucky me.”

Ansem considered this. “Lucky,” he echoed. “Yes, Ienzo, perhaps you are. Does the boy know?”

“Handled it gracefully, I suppose,” he said. He wished he had seeds, for the birds. “Says it’s my body, my choice, and all that.”

“Something like this--perhaps it is fate,” he said slowly. “Giving you something you didn’t realize you needed.”

“More like I was irresponsible once and these are the consequences.”

Ansem placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t base a choice like this on logic,” he said firmly, “as much as you are wont to. Parenthood is difficult, emotionally complicated. You have to go with your gut, Ienzo, or you’ll regret it forever.”

“How very helpful,” he spat.

“Your heart will tell you the right thing to do,” he said. “Regardless of whether or not you see this through… you have my support. But consider… after all, you ended up in our custody under less than ideal circumstances. And it ended up being a fortuitous match, yes?”

He blinked. “I… suppose.”

“Consider it an opportunity, either way,” he said, “To determine what you truly want from your life.”

“I shall.”

“I hope you do.”

---

Ienzo was drifting into an uncertain sleep when it came to him, with a painful clarity. He’d been in denial too long.

Go with his gut.

He rested his hand on the clump of cells. What was it telling him?

Likely if he continued his transition--his plan--he wouldn’t be able to biologically conceive again. This was likely a fluke--as it were. A once in a lifetime shot.

Wouldn’t he be a fool, to throw it away?

He looked at Demyx, fast asleep next to him. Quite possibly this person was the love of his life.

Ienzo had always lived by rules and plans. Breaking those rules had given him love and pleasure he hadn’t thought he was capable of. And to break this rule, this plan? Bigger, more consequential than the last? Would it reap a larger reward? Should he terminate, life wouldn’t be normal. The fact of it would sit within him forever, good or bad.

He wanted this child.

It wasn’t a clump of cells. Or an embryo. It was the potential for a person, something he’d made, despite the odds. It wanted him , despite his inhospitable body. Tears--of relief, maybe--clouded his eyes. He already knew he’d made up his mind.

Very well.

He sat up. Slowly. “Demyx?” He wasn’t sure why the man needed to know right exactly now at this god awful hour, but he needed to say it out loud. He needed it to be real.

Demyx groaned and pressed his face into the pillow. “Wassup?”

“I want to keep the baby.” Not cells, not a fetus. Something that would be a person.

He blinked, his expression sharpening. He took a breath. “I was hoping you would,” he said softly.

“Why didn’t you tell me, if you felt so strongly?”

“Because this isn’t a normal situation. I didn’t want you to be--uncomfortable.” He gasped out loud, as though just realizing. “But fuck, we’re really going to do this, aren’t we?”

“It seems that way-- if my body decides to hold the pregnancy.”

Another sound, almost like a laugh. “Jesus, Ienzo, I--we’re going to be parents. ”

“It… seems that way, yes.”

“God, I--love you.”

In the startled silence that followed, Ienzo realized it was the first time either of them had actually said it. “I love you too,” he said.

Demyx leaned in to kiss him. He rested his palm against Ienzo’s stomach. “There’s really something in there.”

“I know I need to… go back to the doctor, at some point,” he said. “Not only to tell her I plan to remain pregnant, but to gauge the baby’s gestational age. They’ll probably do an ultrasound.”

“Can I come?”

Ienzo wasn’t sure why this surprised him, or why he expected Demyx to be flighty and anxious about all this. “Of course you can.”

---

Actually seeing the baby was surreal. It was no more than a blip in a black and white wasteland, but it was there. Hearing that it had a heartbeat, too, startled him to tears. It was living, it was alive. He was apparently only six weeks into this pregnancy; another six before they could even be sure it was viable.

The anxiety of it all was getting to him. He wanted this child almost fiercely, though he had no idea why. Genetics? Instinct? Was this as Ansem told him, his heart telling him what he needed? Still, Ienzo did not dare dream of what might come of it. Not yet.

He tried his best to be healthy. He read voraciously about ideal diets despite his propensity to immediately throw it back up. Took vitamins. Tried to maintain hydration despite the steadily-increasing pressure on his bladder.

He was actually finishing getting sick at work when he heard a gentle knock on the stall door and a timid, “are you okay?”

Fuck. He thought he was alone. “I’m fine, thank you for your concern.” He dabbed at the fine sweat on his forehead. Shakily, he stood and opened the door. He saw a young man, with messy, spiky blond hair--one of the high school volunteers. Ienzo could not recall his name. Ted? Ben? He wasn’t wearing his pass, which was technically a violation of the rules.

“If you’re sick, you should go home,” the boy added. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

“I’m not sick or contagious. Such as it were.” He smiled wearily. “It’s a medical condition.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that.” His blue eyes were terrified. “Is there anything I can do to… help you?”

“Not particularly--unless you mind me brushing my teeth.” He chanced a smile; the boy returned it nervously. The boy did what he came in here for and left, casting one more odd glance over his shoulder.

As he went through his normal daily routine… Ienzo realized he’d been slow for a time. Soon enough this “condition” would be obvious. He didn’t particularly care who knew he was trans, but he also didn’t wear it on his sleeve. Continuing would make it obvious.

Did it matter, truly? What good were secrets?

He’d cross that bridge when he got to it.

---

Ienzo and Demyx both waited with bated breath as the weeks crept past steadily. It felt as though the nausea was abating, and his energy returned; they were able to enjoy sex again. One morning he woke up and noticed after his shower that his stomach was no longer quite so flat. It would be impossible to tell unless one knew that it was a baby and not an extra five pounds, but it was visible.

The twelfth week came. According to the three month sonogram, all was well. He and the baby were both healthy. Things were becoming permanent. Demyx, who had been bursting to tell the truth for some time, told anyone who would listen, and one morning Ienzo woke up to a spam of angry texts from Naminé at not being told sooner. She didn’t buy the “we wanted to make sure” line. Then,

I think Demyx likes the cult of domesticity, she wrote. After the way we grew up… he likes the stability. He’ll love the crap out of both of you, I know that much.

A sigh. He already is. Always there to give a shoulder or back rub, to indulge his strange cravings (anywhere from kimchi to collard greens and chocolate), to not get more than vaguely annoyed when the hormones made him act like a maniac.

It was time to start planning this life for real.

[ventingviper-blog]

VENT a short essay (only partially chronological)

My grandparents tried throwing me a surprise sweet 16 and it was a surprise I had fun. But I walked in and only two or three of my friends were there. One that’s still my friend to this day, another who is my current boyfriend's best friend, but were on rocky terms now and a basketball teammate. Like I know I should get over it but when you’re told the guest list after the party and realize 10 or so people didn’t show it really sucks. The party ended up being mostly family friends, all of which are my grandparent's age, and family. Like I’m grateful for the people who did show up and I still love them which is why I don’t care if my boyfriend's best friend doesn’t like me anymore he’s always gonna be a person I’ll help no matter what. But damn it really fucked up my self-esteem, I feel like most people around me purely tolerate my existence and don’t actually enjoy my company. I’ve been dealing with abandonment issues since I was a child and I can’t even feel happy trying to create a new family of friends because it stopped being worth the effort. I stopped reaching out to see people and now going out to events is a drag. We hang out with my boyfriend and his friends but honestly trying to feel welcomed in a group of people that been together since 1st grade is a long shot at best. I went with two of them to get drinks at one point and they literally stood in a way where I was the 3rd person on a 2 man sidewalk. He so badly wants me to be a part of his group of friends and I’m trying but there’s literally only 1 it seems I get along with. Then his controlling mother and ass hat of a father, literally my entire, ENTIRE, fucking family loves this man I love this man but his fucking family is a GIANT. BAG. OF. DICKS! Like I get it him and I fucked up in our last month of high school and got pregnant. I WASN’T EVEN THE FIRST PERSON TO KNOW AND I WAS THE PREGNANT ONE! My grandma, she’s amazing but also a cunt at her worst, went into MY kaiser account, she had the password, and checked my test results then called me yelling at 8:30am on a Sunday, after I’d just left the house. So in the 10 minutes it took me to go pick up my boyfriend, he was in the car, I answer the phone and its pure rage, I have no idea what's going on, so she says look at the results and hangs up. Well, we went back and told his mom, who literally says “ what is ‘current boyfriend’ going to think of me?!” great priorities there. Then I went to my grandparent's house to discuss it with them, and my grandma starts off with “ well you have one option”, which I didn’t and then after 2 weeks made my final decision but that two weeks was a living hell. My grandma threatened to revoke my brothers and my graduation trip because of everything that was going on and then said we ( oh yeah grandpa’s been silent this whole ass time) feel you should move in with your mom. I HAD NEVER BEEN MORE PISSED IN MY LIFE! THIS WOMAN HAD MY FATHER AT 17(I can do simple math) AND WAS SUPPORTED BY HER FAMILY YET SHE COULDN’T DO MORE THAN SCREAM WHEN IT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE. Then my mother comes at me from the other side saying “oh we're going to run away to Washington state and I’ll help you raise the baby” - not going to lie almost agreed to this... so we told my family cause I couldn’t figure out what to do and was honestly thinking about keeping the baby and raising it or, more likely, adoption. WELL HERE COMES THE GOD DAMN CHOIR. My grandma, a look of disgust. His father Not even dogs give away there young. My mom, and the option I was leaning towards the most actually and wanted to do, “ Your aunt had a hysterectomy and hasn’t been able to have children, is willing to take the baby and raise him” She would have raised him as his aunty which wasn’t necessary I wanted him to feel like the people with him were his real parents, and I’d just have to fly/ drive to Washington to give birth, I was ready for this one, happy about the choice. but happiness can’t last too long right, of course not. His father decides to chime in, “insert adoption comment here” oh and the pièce de résistance “If you don’t break up with this girl I will have you castrated or you can dump her.” the two options and the bonus, “If you do anything other than abortion I’ll disown you”. Threatening your son into convincing his pregnant girlfriend to have an abortion. Then his mom joins the fray of people, we go out to lunch she tells me her sob story of how she had an abortion in college and felt it was the right thing to do and feels that her son is the same soul she aborted and all that great stuff, that honestly, I don’t even know if it’s true or not. But damn I haven’t really gotten over the fact that I went through his phone during that time, yes I know It’s wrong I got over doing that after the first year, HE WAS SCREENSHOTTING OUR TEXTS AND SENDING THEM TO HIS MOTHER AND THEN COPYING AND PASTING HER RESPONSE TO ME, I was pissed so I texted him and mentioned us taking a break because obviously tensions were high and I wasn’t feeling the best towards him and he comes back almost instantly with “why? so you can ruin my life?” HE DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER SAYING THAT TO ME BUT I SURE AS FUCK DO.  That one still comes back up to piss me off every so often. So I ended up having an abortion, the medication made me vomit, I can still remember the cold tone the nurses used towards me and the warm tone to the woman next to me, we were in for the same procedure but they’d accidentally punctured her uterine wall, I still get sad and teary when I think about it and its been 5 years, I still get flashbacks to the feeling of the blood between my thighs, It was more than a period ever prepared you for and the clots are just huge, I cried myself to sleep and he held me the entire time and stayed by my. which is probably why we're still together.

But then we were put through a test again. We went out drinking one night, played videogames and whenever you lost you took a half shot, spoiler alert I. LOST. EVERY. GAME. I played maybe 6 games and ended up becoming the designated loser (loser stay till they win) I was the drunkest person there. Well it came time to go cause the host's girlfriend wanted to go to a bar but we wanted to go home when I was sober my boyfriend and I agreed to Uber home his friend parked his car in place where we could leave it overnight and it wouldn’t be towed, his friend said it’s in the lot across the street (important), well we decide to leave and my boyfriend says he’s good to drive, had like 4 beers and a shot is he’s 6′3″ ish and 200lbs. Well, we're heading out and start to go find the car, I realize my jacket is gone, I let him know. NOW ACCORDING TO HIM I RAN BACK TO THE HOUSE TO GET MY JACKET. I don’t remember this however I do remember turning around and my boyfriend was no longer there. So I ran to go find him, still no jacket, I remember checking for headlights and not seeing any so I ran across the street, checked the parking lot and couldn’t find him or his car, so I ran back. As I get back to the other side of the street, everyone's favorite light show starts and I get pulled over by two cops. Well, theY sit me at the bus stop and question me, I HAVE NOTHING ON ME, PHONE, KEYS, WALLET, NOT A SINGLE DAMN THING. So they ask what I’m doing I explain I was at a friend's house drinking a bit and came outside to find my ride, and like clockwork, my boyfriend pulls up and goes to pull up to the curb and see what's going on AND. TAPS. THE. FUCKING. CURB. Immediately the cops say “did you see the way he hit that curb?” He gets out the car to see what's up they yell at him to get back in the car nothing else, so he drives into the parking lot and parks then comes back, they're still talking to me, address, phone number, SSN all that jazz, which I somehow remembered. Then they start focusing on him, they never asked him to come over they allowed him to because he had my wallet. They start giving him the test, pupil, walking, breathalyzer I got kinda cold so they asked him for his jacket to give to me. I’m watching and then I turn around, the cars have multiplied another cop showed up, not even sure when. They start discussing something while we're sitting on the bench, then they say we gotta do one more test and have him come too near the squad car. Well, I’m talking to the other cop then I glance to see how the test is going and he’s cuffed and being put in the car. That was all the info I got they’re taking him in. Of course, drunk me starts crying and I get up and go get his friends and then the cops take his keys and moves his car back to the lot it won't get towed in, well we don’t know what to do so we decide to call his mom, I couldn’t speak because I was crying too hard so his friend spoke. They call me an Uber and it takes me to fucking Aqui’s, so now I’m drunk by myself and crying in the middle of downtown Campbell after everything has been shut down and its a ghost area. I call his best friend and don’t know what to do I just feel guilty his friend asks if I need a ride and I say no, cause you can never inconvenience someone for such a trivial matter, and make it seem like I just called crying like a crazy person ( he hasn’t really talked to me since). I get myself in an uber and to my grandparent's house, I live by myself 5 mins from their place but couldn’t be alone that night, I set up on the couch and get the it’ll be alright comfort speech. They leave I call my mom, history of abusive junky boyfriends and baby daddies with drinking problems, who would know more about someone being arrested than her? She gives me the rundown on what's going to happen and tells me not to feel guilty. So I lay my trashed ass down and watch tv and fall asleep, I had called his mom and so I knew someone was looking out for him I just didn’t know what to do and knew to go to a police station absolutely blasted would be a terrible choice, but apparently, his fucking mother was like She should be here all night worried like I am. I woke up at 3am to 5 missed calls from the police station, queue worst guilt I have ever felt in my entire life! and then the alcohol said the parties over, I vomited and dry heaved the worst tasting vomit in my life. He got picked up I went over around 10:30 11:00 no one was awake but his best friend was outside so I took him to get my boyfriend's car and keys. Literally later that day my boyfriend comes over and he says his mom is pissed and that she literally asked if he was going to dump me and when he said no she said: “then what's it going to take?”, she complained about me not doing anything saying she heard it from his friend, didn’t notice the call came from MY PHONE, “your best friend went to get your car I don't know who took him but he got it”, bitch I took him, and then “you’re not surrounding yourself with the right people” she absolutely “loves” his friends and “loved” me until we started dating, and she greets all his friends with a smile but will barely acknowledge either of us if we come inside. She blames me for this entire thing and I am no longer allowed at his house. She threatened to kick him out and make him come live with me, which would violate the agreement I have with my grandparents upon renting a place from them and is why I told him to not tell his mom I moved out because she’s prone to this line of threat. ( I was threatened once to be kicked out and said fuck your timeline if you want me gone I’m gone and moved in with my mother). His parents literally referred to me as “that stupid little girl he’s dating” and when describing what happened his mom said she was being stupid and running around in the middle of the street then walked up to three cops and started talking to them. I got pulled over, the most I could have done was acted like I hadn’t seen them. The only thing I really feel guilty about is that I got let off without even a warning they just kinda brushed over me and went straight for him. We now have an arrangement that he’s never allowed to approach me when I’m with cops. You wouldn’t think you’d have to have that talk.

Summary: I’m really fucking done with my boyfriend's shitty parents and I’m about to tell them to fuck off. But my boyfriend just wants peace in this world so now I’m here.

I’m also still recovering from trauma throughout my life.

Edit: He blew a .08 on the field test the legal limit exactly and then .06 in the lab thats less than 15 mins away

[thebecomingofwe]

Accepting Infertility

I was 17 when I began my journey with infertility. Well, sort of. Obviously, I wasn’t really thinking about having babies at 17 years old, so when my oncologist told me I had to have a hysterectomy to treat my cancer, I kind of just did a mental shrug. 

They set me up with a fertility doctor, but when I saw him, I felt like he was speaking a foreign language. Eggs, embryos, sperm, surrogates? Okay...? At the time, freezing eggs was still experimental, and so my best option was to freeze embryos...which meant I was going to need some man juice from a donor to make it happen. Nope, not happening. So, that was that. It wasn’t a problem for me yet, so I didn’t deal with it. I just wrapped it up neatly, stuck it in a box, and put it in a dusty drawer in the back of my brain to deal with later down the road. But, as I got older, I found myself staring at the drawer, wondering if it was time to open it and deal with what was inside.

When I started dating seriously, I was dating with the intentions of marriage. That was about the time I started thinking seriously about everything. I started feeling a sense of shame that I couldn't give someone the “normal” experience of: trying, getting pregnant, and having biological children. It really bothered me, and I felt afraid to admit to someone that I could never carry their child. At the time, I didn’t even think egg retrieval would be an option for me because of other medical conditions I had.

When Rob and I began dating, I knew that a conversation about this was coming. Our first real date, we were stargazing at a park in Tupelo, MS. My stomach was in knots as I waited for an opportunity to bring it up. Finally, I spilled my guts, and probably shared more information than I needed to so early on in our relationship. On the surface, he accepted everything. But, I knew he was going to have to digest it. 

Later on, I remember a night when Rob confessed that he was a little bit sad and concerned about it. I was so insecure about my infertility that I blew up on him. Selfishly, I made him feel like a horrible person for simply having normal human feelings about something he had probably not even thought about his entire life until now. He was processing things healthily, while I was harboring insecurity, worry, and jealousy because of my lack of processing.

Things got better over time as we grew and as our relationship strengthened. We saw my fertility doctor together for the first time a few years ago, and just asked questions, but didn't make any moves toward egg retrieval because of my other health conditions. We figured we should just wait until we felt ready to start our family. After that appointment, I began praying the same prayer over and over. I prayed that God would give us clarity when it was time to pursue having children, whether it be by surrogacy or adoption first. That was it. And, I’ve prayed it probably a thousand times since then. 

A couple more years went by and suddenly everyone around me was getting pregnant, or so that’s what it felt like. And, it started to hurt. Though, in ways, I had processed my situation, there was a lingering pain that I felt deep inside of me. I am embarrassed to admit this next part, but I think that God is calling me into vulnerability in this season. He’s been writing my new story since I was 17 and had put him in charge of my life. And, now I want to share even my most difficult parts with you.

I started to truly feel sorry for myself in the last year. I started to long for the ability to carry my own children. So much so, that sometimes, I would pretend I was pregnant in my mind. Ever since I had my surgeries, my abdomen has been a little more bloated, especially at the end of the day. So, I have looked at my body in the mirror, and stared at my stomach, and just imagined what it would be like. No one tells you that you’ll long for the very PHYSICAL feeling of being pregnant. Everyone around me has always said I’m lucky that I don’t have to experience that part of it. But, there’s something heart wrenching about having no choice, no ability to do what you’re physically designed to do. 

It’s hard to explain, but I had an overwhelming feeling of uselessness because of this. And, all the while, my faith had been waning. But, I continued to pray the same prayer. Around the time that my emotional struggle was starting to evolve, I was asked to share my testimony on video at church. Funny timing. I think God wanted to remind me of everything he had done in my life up to now, and that the story is still being written. As I wrote out my story before the video shoot, I remembered all the times as a little girl that I told my mom I never wanted give birth because it scared me and that I dreamed of adopting a child one day. It’s like God was saying “Helloooo! I am writing a story, and your infertility is just the BEGINNING.” It feels good to remember his faithfulness, and that He isn’t done yet. 

Yes, my journey to being a mother doesn’t look like anyone else’s. But, the thing is, all of our journeys look a little different. The more I obsessed over my situation, the more people God began to reveal around me that were struggling with their own unique infertility struggles. I began to realize that maybe my story could help someone, if I would stop feeling sorry for myself and embrace it. And just because my story isn’t so “natural” and so simple, doesn’t make it any less beautiful and meaningful. Though it’s sad to me somedays, I wouldn't change my situation. Because, God has something in mind for me that only he could have come up with. And, that’s so much better than something I could have come up with. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows my longing to be a mother. He knit me together in my own mother’s womb, knowing that one day I’d be dreaming of my own child, that he could be knitting together right this very moment in someone else’s womb. And, that is okay with me. In fact, that’s the most beautiful thing I could ever even ask for. I am so excited for it. 

That opportunity to share my testimony spurred me into thinking about sharing the next page of my story. So here we are. I don’t have a clue what God is putting together for me right now, but I do know that He’s working on my behalf, because just a couple months ago I received my first bit of clarity that I’d been praying for. But, more on that later.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #073

If the last female you talked to told you that she was pregnant, what would you say to her? My mom had a complete hysterectomy so that's literally impossible. If the last male you talked to told you that he was going to be a father, what would you say to him? Well I'm sure as hell not pregnant so that means he cheated, in which case I'd break up with him in a heartbeat. Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? No, not really. The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. What’s the shortest song you have on your iPod? It's probably some Silent Hill track, or a Shadow of the Colossus one.

How did you meet the last person that messaged you on Facebook? Back in the old YouTube days where it had more social aspects. Have you ever had a friend whose parents you didn’t like? Yep. If you were told that you were going to spend the rest of your life with the last person you kissed, would that make you happy? I'd be fucking ecstatic, honestly. Have you ever had carpal tunnel? Oh, I definitely have something. It oddly doesn't really manifest when typing, though; instead, I absolutely cannot physically write for very long. What browser do you use? Chrome. How much was your allowance when you were a kid? I didn't get one. Do you often find yourself eating just because you're bored? Not so much anymore, but I do occasionally struggle with that. Have you ever sent an anon hate message, be honest now. Nope. That is, first of all, unnecessary and rude, and secondly, it's also cowardly. Biggest fear, pick ONE. Ending up living alone in the streets. I worry a lot it'll happen after Mom dies. What's the grossest thing that dogs do? Ugh the fact some have a thing for eating cat shit. I CANNOT handle that. If you’re a girl, what’s your favorite color of eyeliner? Oh wow, I had no idea eyeliner was exclusive to females. But whatever, I only ever wear black. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yep. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Hmmm... first off, definitely a Pokemon, but it's super hard to pick exactly what! I think I'd go with Vaporeon because I LOVE to Eeveelutions and it'd be useful to have one that had water-oriented powers, too. What is your favorite flavor of candy cane? I really like those Starburst ones. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen in a grocery store? YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO once upon a time I found basically fursuit heads in one of those big baskets in Wal-Mart and I lost it. 😭 Have you ever met any bands/band members before? NO but I absolutely wanna go to a Rammstein meet and greet at some point. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Logan really sticks with me. That was one that made me cry. Do you struggle with acne? Nah, my acne problems chilled out a lot when I was like... 19? Around there? What was the last song you downloaded onto your computer? Oh god idk, I did a MASSIVE downloading sesh a couple days ago for my iPod. What color are your headphones, if you have any? My current earbuds are blue. I FLY through earbuds, one side always stops working. Where do you normally get your hair cut? I see a family friend and have since like... middle school? Maybe even before then. Will you go to your high school reunion? Nooooope. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? I HAVE one on my collarbone, so. I want to get it covered with something new, so I'll obviously do it again. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yep. Have you ever cussed someone out? I can't remember if I actually cursed, but I can tell you I told OFF my sister's abusive then-boyfriend. Fucking coward just stared at me like he was wondering what the hell he did. He was a fucking manipulative narcissist. How would you feel if a significant other asked you to make your relationship "open" as in, see other people but still stay together? What would you tell them? Quite honestly, I would immediately break up with them. That to me is a clear sign that I'm not enough for them. I hold no moral distaste for polygamy for others, but it is NOT for me, and my partner being interested in it is no okay to me. When you were younger, did you mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived? As kids it was a tradition to let us open one, "minor" gift on Christmas Eve. How many break ups have you had to go through? How many of those break ups were with the same person? I've only had one breakup that REALLY felt like a "breakup." Do you plan on traveling a lot in your lifetime? What about moving around a lot? Will this be from state to state, country to country, or what? Traveling, god, I HOPE so. I don't want to move around a lot, though. How old where you when you had your first pet? What kind of animal was it? What was its name? My first PERSONAL pet was honestly too young; I can't remember if it was my guinea pig Squeak or Chinese water dragon Shadow, but I was certainly too young to properly care for either. It still amazes me that Shadow lived his/her full life expectancy, they were stunted in growth and I'm certain the humidity wasn't as sustained as it was meant to be. When taking a survey, do you typically read the person’s answers before typing in your own? Or do you just erase them without reading them? I always read my friends' answers. Do you like “just girly things” on Pinterest? Lol no, I literally use Pinterest for fandom pictures. 😭 How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? Mostly brown, but also black. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Are there any Asians in your family? No. Do you take birth control pills? Yes. My periods are unbearable otherwise. What’s your favorite frosting flavor? Chocolate, I guess? Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, but they were busy at that time so I didn't get to actually talk to anyone. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? I write mostly in cursive, yes. What would be the icing on the cake for you this Christmas? It'd be nice to spend some time with Girt actually on Christmas. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? Nope. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? Yeah. Do you like quesadillas? Yeah, generally. Whose butt did you last slap? lul I'm pretty positive that was Chelsea, yearssss ago. We used to be real close and she lived with Colleen when I saw her a lot and our friendship was founded on being playfully sexual around each other haha. I eventually got closer to her (and still am today) than Colleen. Have you ever been on a mechanical bull? No. Do you enjoy riding around town looking at Christmas lights? God, I used to love that. I still would, but. Gas ain't cheap. What’s a good book you’d recommend? ESPECIALLY in today's age, I cannot recommend The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood any more than I already do, particularly for those with uteruses. Margaret is SO vividly descriptive and creative in her writing so it's just fun to read, and let's not fucking forget the moral behind it. Have you gone out with someone, then ruined the friendship you had before? I want to say yes, but like... Jason and I weren't "just friends" for very long at all. Like, MAYBE two weeks. It was very, very obvious what was going to happen/where we were going. There was nothing to really go back to, because we STARTED OUT very clearly into each other. Did you sleep alone last night? My cat always sleeps with me. <3 Do you hate when people try to play with your hair? If you're not my boyfriend, I'd feel kinda weird. Last song you heard? "Demons Are A Girl's Best Friend" by Powerwolf is on rn. Other than yours, whose house did you last fall asleep at? My sister's. What is your favourite flavour of Skittles? Red, definitely. Have you ever met a famous political figure? Nope. Who taught you how to ride a bike? My dad. Have you ever lost someone to reckless/drunk driving? I am VERY grateful that I have not. Have you ever fed a wild animal? Yeah; ducks and geese at a local pond, and I used to like making bird feeders out of pinecones and peanut butter and stuff. Have you ever faked sick? Yup. I sure hated school. Do you like cinnamon on your apple pie? I don't like apple pie. Do you clap or cheer when at a concert? I'm sure I did both at the only one I've been to. Do you use a comb or brush? I just use a comb. Have you ever been called a coward? What for? Yup. The one time I remember was when Sara created a new deviantART account solely to tell me off and then immediately deleted the account. Apparently THAT isn't cowardly. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? Yeah, I've never understood the considerable percentage of people who don't like bread crust. I mean it's my least favorite part (I eat off the crust first to get it outta the way), but it's still perfectly fine. Have you ever had a vacation where you stayed in a cabin? No, but I really would like to do that one day. What flavour cake you you like most? I really enjoy chocolate lava cake as well as red velvet. Depends on what I'm feelin' at that moment. Are you self-conscious about wearing "short shorts" in the summer? Even when I had a fit body, I wasn't comfortable doing that. Do you see a lot of stray animals around your home? No, but it's funny I get this question now when Girt noticed a stray cat outside our door a couple days back. We don't see that a lot. When you’re being grounded, what is usually taken away from you? It was always computer privileges. What is your most commonly used nickname for your best friend? Well, technically "Girt." Everyone else in his life either calls him Donald or Junior. How tall is the last person you kissed? Exactly 6'. Do you enjoy dried fruit? NO. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? My boyfriend's. Who in your house smokes? Nobody. Who wears glasses in your house? Are they near-sighted or far-sighted? I always do; I'm near-sighted. My mom has reading glasses and is far-sighted. What kind of hot beverage do you drink the most? Hot chocolate. What kind of plants do you have in your house? How often are they watered? Mom actually has some succulents in this spare room by the window. That's all I know. Who in your family has the longest hair? How long is yours? My younger sister Nicole; she has a mane, ha ha. Mine is like, boy-short; it doesn't even touch the back of my neck since I got it trimmed. The last time you went out, what shoes did you wear? Flipflops... like always. What books (if any) have you read more than once? Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari (BUT I skipped Tim's outrageously long tangents that had nothing to do with the meerkats in later reads) and Because of Winn-Dixie. There MAY be others, but it's quite unlikely; I've never been much of a re-reader except as a little kid with children's books, obvs. What professional teams do you and/or your family root for? My dad is into the Carolina Hurricanes, Carolina Panthers, and Cleveland Browns. Ryder likes the last two too because of Grampa, ha ha. Maybe Nick likes them too, idr. How many pillows are on the bed you sleep in? I have two on my side and I keep Girt's two there too. Do you know any TV shows’ theme songs by heart? Which ones? Ha ha quite a lot honestly when you consider how little I watch TV, like That '70s Show, The Golden Girls, Supernatural (I loved "Carry On My Wayward Son" way before the show), OBVIOUSLY shit like Spongebob ha ha, and I KNOW there are more, but I'm blanking. What is a fashion trend (new or old) that you absolutely hate? Crocs. They're just ugly. What is the oldest gaming system you’ve ever played? An Atari, actually. We might still have that thing somewhere...

[emmilynestill]

Previously on To Sacrifice the Sun (Fall 2019)...

The new chapter will be out in a few.  In the mean time, you can refresh your memory with the chapter summaries.  :-)

Under the cut:

Prologue:

ARGUS Agent Felicity Smoak is preparing for a mission.  The next day, her team will go to the Temple of the Jaguar in Tikal to find the Obsidian Skull, a powerful Mayan artifact, before Reiter and Shadowspire.

Her “secret” boyfriend, Oliver, arrives and to take her mind off the mission, plying her with Guatemalan rum. Felicity teases him about how most of their team is hooking up. (Ronnie and Caitlin are married.  Lyla and Digg, their CO, are together.  Only Slade and Sara are not).

They make love and Felicity is overcome with emotion and the feeling something horrible is going to happen, but can’t bring herself to tell Oliver.  He tells her after they defeat Reiter he wants to move in together and finally go home to see his family (who believe he died five years ago).  

Oliver tells Felicity about his dream of getting married and having a baseball team of children, a Queen Legacy.  They plan their future together.

Days later, Felicity wakes up in an ARGUS medical facility in terrible pain.  Her surgeon, Shado, explains they defeated Reiter, but Ronnie was killed.   Felicity was shot in the abdomen.  They had to do a hysterectomy and now she can’t have children.  In shock and in pain, Felicity feels hopeless and doesn’t believe she will ever feel happy again.  

To preserve Oliver’s dream, she decides to sacrifice her happiness for his.  Felicity refuses to talk to him, believing he will leave ARGUS, go home to Starling, start over, and have his dream life with someone else.

Chapter 1:

Five years later, Felicity is working as a Team Leader in the ARGUS Science Center, the CAVE.  After Tikal, she sealed her medical records and refused to speak to anyone except Caitlin, who had lost her husband.  

Three months after Tikal, Felicity learned that instead of leaving ARGUS and going home as she had wanted (and expected), Oliver was taking an undercover mission with the Bratva, deep in Russia.  Felicity rushed over to stop him from going but was too late.  Since then, no one has seen or heard from Oliver but his handler.

In present day, Felicity returns to her lab to find Digg, who she hasn’t seen in years.   He tells her that there is a new threat, Damian Darhk and HIVE, who are searching for Kin Cuudad, the Lost City of the Sun, and a magic artifact, Kin Zil, the Gift, which is rumored to be far more powerful than the Obsidian Skull (the totem that killed Ronnie).  Digg needs Felicity to come back into the field, because no one knows the Lost City mythology and the Mayan language like Felicity.

Felicity, suffering from PTSD, tries to deflect, saying the city is just a myth.  Digg tells her they found a Door.  They are assembling the old team and Caitlin has already agreed to come.  He leaves and Cait, who is now a part of Felicity’s CAVE team, asks Felicity to help her face her demons on the Yucatan Peninsula.  Feeling she has no choice, Felicity agrees.  

Chapter Two

At the airport, Felicity and Caitlin meet Curtis and Cisco, two other members of their CAVE team, who are joining them for this mission (Curtis replacing Ronnie as Team Engineer and Cisco running comms from base).  Their silliness starts to relax Felicity until they start teasing her about seeing her “Gorgeous ex” and she realizes Oliver, who she believed was still in Russia would be meeting them in Mexico.  Felicity has a panic attack in the bathroom and Caitlin talks her down, but she is still convinced she ruined Oliver’s life with her bad decisions.

During the flight, Felicity prepares herself to see Oliver again and decides when they arrive at the Beach House/Safe House it would be best to get it over with.  She goes to the beach to find Oliver, only to see him smiling and talking to a very pregnant Lyla.  When Felicity sees him touch her pregnant belly, she panics again and runs.

After calming herself some, Sara finds her and welcomes her warmly, introducing her to Roy, Lyla’s replacement for Special Ops (since she is too pregnant to go on the mission).  Roy worked with Oliver in Russia and recognizes Felicity’s name.  Sara and Roy express their belief that the break-up was Oliver’s fault.  Shado and Caitlin interrupt before Felicity can convince them otherwise.  

Surrounded by friends and support, Felicity is feeling better even if they are all pushing her to talk to Oliver. Until they see him and abandon Felicity to her fate.

Chapter Three

Left alone with Oliver, Felicity freezes.  Oliver takes this badly and offers to leave the team if it would make her more comfortable. This leads to Felicity giving a long, anxious, babbling speech about how she is a train wreck emotionally.  She is devastated to learn that Oliver has blamed himself for the break-up all this time.  When Felicity tries to say it is her, not him, Oliver reveals that he feels responsible for her getting shot since the gun was aimed at him.  Then he walks away.

Later, the entire team gathers in the War Room where they are told they are going to the Mayan City of Palenque to gather clues before heading into the jungle and to the Door.  Curtis and Cisco reveal their inventions for the trip, including a new bow for Oliver.  Digg tells Oliver if things go south it is his job to protect Felicity. Felicity is given a photograph of the supposed Door and translates it with her newly enhanced glasses.  For the first time, she believes this may all be real and gets excited, feeling more herself than she has in years.

The next morning, the team of 8 travel to Palenque which has been emptied of tourists.  The old team (Slade, who lost an eye there, Sara, Digg, Cait, Oliver, and Felicity) come face to face with the Mayan world for the first time since Tikal.

Chapter Four

At Palenque, Felicity is searching the Temple of the Sun for clues to help open the Door to the Lost City, but all she is able to find is a fresco she knows well.  It depicts the founder of Palenque, King Cadmeal, who escaped from Kin Cuudad and is said to be the child of the Daughter of the Sun and the Warrior King.

Curtis and Sara manage to leverage open the stone slab to get into a chamber where Felicity has never been before. She and Caitlin search there for clues and come up empty handed.  She is about to look in one of the four (uninteresting) tombs when Curtis starts teasing her about Oliver and trying to get her to tell them why they broke up.

This leads to Caitlin telling them how they escaped Tikal, after both Felicity and Sara were unconscious, a story Felicity had never heard before.  Caitlin tells the full story, including Ronnie being killed, Sara being buried in rubble, and the gun being shot at Oliver and Felicity stepping in the way.  Only Oliver and Cait, at that point, were unharmed and in his rage, Oliver was able to capture the Obsidian Skull and smash it against the wall, so Digg could shoot and kill Reiter.

After the emotional story, Felicity seeks Oliver out and tells him she is glad she took the bullet because he saved them all and is a hero.  She hugs him and walks away.

Chapter Five  

That evening, Felicity is sitting on the crumbling steps of the Palace staring out at the jungle when Oliver finds her.  They talk about their memories from their time in the Yucatan five years ago and things are just starting to feel normal, until the talk turns to Russia.  

Then Felicity learns Oliver came to bring her to dinner.  Her CAVE team often tease her about forgetting to eat, but she is humiliated that they sent Oliver, until he confesses he volunteered.  

Felicity blurts out that she didn’t want him to go to Russia, that she wanted him to go home to Starling and be happy, which makes things tense again.  She tells him she tried to stop him from going to Russia, but it was too late. Oliver is obviously upset about the information but tells her he’s glad she told him.  

He asks her to come to camp and have some of his famous five-alarm chili.  Slade and Digg want to “initiate” Roy and Curtis.  Felicity agrees, thinking the chili will be her penance.  Then Oliver confesses he made a special not-lethal batch for her and Cait.

Chapter Six:

Back at camp, Felicity confronts Caitlin for sending Oliver to get her and playing matchmaker, until she finds out Oliver really did volunteer.  Cait apologizes for pushing them back together and confesses that she is ready to move on with their CAVE teammate, Barry, and feels guilty about it but, also, she wants both Felicity and Oliver to be happy.

At the campfire, Cait is convinced that the nonlethal chili is evidence of Oliver still being in love with Felicity.  The team gangs up on the newbies as they eat the painfully hot chili.  Roy handles it well, knowing what is expected of a Spec Ops, but Curtis freaks out to everyone’s, especially Slade’s, amusement. In the end, they confess the joke and Slade shares his flask with the team, Guatemalan Rum that reminds Felicity of her last night with Oliver.

The rest of the team gets drunk and decides to try and play Mayan ball, which gets very competitive very fast. Slade’s team starts to win when he puts Sara on his shoulders.  Curtis falls and twists his ankle and Oliver turns to Felicity and asks her to help him, “Kick Slade’s ass.”

Chapter Seven:

Caught up in the moment, Felicity allows Oliver to bring her into the ballgame which involves her sitting on his shoulders and trying to get a ball in a hoop 30-feet off the ground. At first, she’s freaked out, but they work well together and manage to play to a tie.  Roy tackles Sara and Slade, but Slade refuses to forfeit.  The game looks like it will never end when the skies open up and it starts to pour.  

Oliver and Felicity share an emotionally heated (and UST ridden) moment in the rain before Slade calls them to help gather their gear.  Felicity pretends to fall asleep in the tent to avoid Sara’s ribbing and Cait’s questions, trying not to imagine Oliver naked in the next tent over.

Chapter Eight:

Felicity wakes up the next morning after a strange dream about King Cadmeal and his wife dancing around tombs, with the intense need to look in the tombs in the chamber under the Temple of the Sun.  No one else is up and Felicity struggles with Curtis’ fancy coffee maker until Oliver shows up and does it for her.  They have a pleasant breakfast discussing how eggs are eaten in Russia.

The conversation turns to how they slept and Felicity confesses her dream and is pleasantly surprised by how serious Oliver takes it, though he always does.  Oliver offers to take her down into the Temple of the Sun himself and doesn’t seem to find it necessary to wake anyone else.

In the base of the temple, Oliver struggles with opening the tombs by himself, but refuses to admit it. There is nothing exciting in the first two tombs and Felicity starts to think it’s a dead-end.  Talk of her dream leads her to admitting having intuitions and premonitions since before Tikal.  He is upset she didn’t tell him back then.

But then Oliver loses control of one of the huge limestone slabs covering a tomb and it falls to the ground, causing a layer of red clay on the inside surface to crack and reveal an intricate carving underneath.  

Chapter Nine:

The Carving to the underside of the tomb reveals symbols of Kin Cuudad as well as a large fresco/carving of the Daughter of the Sun and the Warrior King, kneeling facing one another and making a strange pattern with their fingers.  They also seem to be wearing jewelry that Oliver postulates may be the Gift, Kin Zil.  

Oliver confesses a fascination with the Daughter of the Sun and while discussing them Oliver and Felicity almost kiss, but it is interrupted by Felicity having a panic attack.

The spell is broken and they explore the inside of the tombs.  The hieroglyphs of one of the tombs reveals it to be Cadmeal, the Daughter of the Sun and the Warrior King’s son and the founder of Palenque.  Another may be his wife and they discover an intricate moonstone carving in her hands.  Her fingers are also splayed like on the carving.

Before they can discover anything else, the emergency comms crackle on and they learn from Digg that they are under attack.

Chapter Ten:

While Oliver and Felicity are in the base of the Temple of the Sun discovering what was in the tombs, Palenque was invaded by HIVE.  The rest of the team engaged in a gun fight and Digg orders Oliver to take Felicity and get her to the Door ahead of the team.

They take what they can from the tombs and photograph what they can’t.  Oliver hoists Felicity out of the underground Chamber first.  While she is waiting, she gives into temptation and listens to what is happening with the team, learning back-up is on its way, but Roy is seriously injured.  An explosion rocks the temple sending Felicity into a flashback of Tikal.

A kiss from Oliver pulls Felicity out of the flashback.  They zipline to the other side of the park, where he drags her into the jungle. There, they find an all terrains motorcycle and take off into the jungle.

Chapter Eleven:

On the back of the motorcycle, Felicity struggles to hold on with the rocky terrain, but manages to work the GPS and communicate with the team (while Oliver drives and only has access to what she is saying.)

Ground back-up has arrived at Palenque, but things are not going well for the team and a medievac has not arrived for Roy who is rapidly losing blood.  Cisco and Lyla, from base, reveal they can not send in air back-up because of an approaching hurricane.  This triggers a panicked meltdown from Caitlin until Felicity talks her down.

Then Damian Darhk announces his presence over the comms, having captured Curtis, Slade, and Sara as they attempted to lead HIVE away from Oliver and Felicity and the rest of the team. Darhk demands the location of Kin Cuudad.

Lyla shuts down the comms, tells Felicity they are erasing all records of the Door’s location from everyone but her and Oliver’s devices, and then cuts them off from the ARGUS communication system to protect them from HIVE.  Just as Felicity is about to explain this to Oliver, a black blur jumps in front of them. The bike crashes and the world goes black.

Felicity wakes up to Oliver’s concerned voice and they discover a jaguar jumped out at them.  The crash broke Oliver’s ARGUS watch and damaged Felicity’s, messing up their GPS.    As she works to fix her watch, she catches sight of their missing jaguar in the tree.

Chapter 12:

Stranded in the jungle without access to the team or base, with broken tech, Oliver and Felicity come face to face with the reason for their motorcycle crash, a giant blue-eyed black jaguar.  Oliver asks for his bow, but Felicity gives him the tranq gun, instinctively not wanting to kill the animal.

Reluctantly Oliver agrees.  While Felicity works furiously to fix her ARGUS smart watch and get the GPS to the Door back up.  Unfortunately, while rebooting the watch it makes loud high-pitched noises that startle the cat and it pounces, leading Oliver to shoot it twice with the tranq gun.  

The confrontation leaves Oliver tense and pessimistic, pushing Felicity to take on more of her ‘Sunshine’ roll.  She is able to get her watch to work on basic settings and tapes it to the handle bars. Then while Oliver checks on their bike, she indulgently watches the jaguar, which she begins to find beautiful and fascinating.

Oliver freaks out a tad when he sees her pet it, but they are soon back onto the bike headed for the Door.

Chapter 13

The remainder of the trip to where Felicity’s broken watch locates the Door is long and largely silent, leaving her far too much time to think.  Most of it she spends thinking about Oliver.  She decides she needs to tell him everything as soon as they have a free moment and, for the first time, she starts to think that they might actually have a future together.

Once they reach their destination, they find nothing special and begin to worry the watch is truly broken. The storm is worsening and Oliver is focused on finding shelter.  

And grunting.  And brooding.  And generally being a pessimistic jerk.  

But when Felicity sits to work on her tablet, Oliver notices that she is sitting on a hidden tarp.  Under the canvas, they find the Door, but since they still don’t know how to open it and the hurricane is fast approaching, Oliver leaves in search of shelter, leaving Felicity to examine the Door.

After digging away at the bottom edge, Felicity finds a carving almost identical to the slab at the Temple of the Sun.  Then she realizes that the sun carving in the center is actually composed of two sets of handprints and her hands fit perfectly.  She calls for Oliver, who is irritated by the interruption, but he reluctantly agrees to place his hands next to hers in the carving.

The Door shifts and opens, disappearing into the hillside.

Chapter 14:

The Door opens to a staircase leading into the ground.  Felicity is ecstatic and disappointed Oliver isn’t, but they head down anyway.  At the bottom of the stairs, they find an opulent room filled with magnificent Mayan frescos and carvings but, unfortunately, no way out other than how they came in.  There is another Door like the first, with a handprint sun, but there seems to be a piece missing from the center and when they place their hands in this one nothing happens.

Oliver leaves to gather their things while Felicity translates. He spends the next several hours out in the storm and she has the distinct feeling he is avoiding her.  Worried and upset, Felicity heads out to find him.  

She finds him struggling with securing the tarp over the entrance to keep out animals during the storm. Feeling foolish, Felicity insists on helping and they quickly get the job done, barricading themselves inside.

After caring for their (fairly minor) wounds, Oliver asks Felicity to show him her translations.  One side of the room depicts the Daughter of the Sun and the other the Warrior King.  They meet in the middle where their lives combine.  During a betrothal scene, the Queen gives the Warrior a sun shaped medallion, a shape that appears in each of her panels and they postulate that this may be Kin Zil, the Gift.

After Felicity tries to begin a conversation about five years ago, but Oliver insists he needs to sleep.

Chapter 15:

24 hours later, things have not gone as Felicity hoped.  Oliver has groused and grumbled and avoided her.  Now he was out hunting it the tail-end of the storm in a thinly disguised effort to be away from her and Felicity has had enough.  Her guilt only extends her patience so far and now she’s pissed.

Sick of being stuck in the chamber alone, Felicity goes into the rain to freshen up.  Outside, she decides ‘frak it’ and takes off her clothes to take a shower in the warm rain.  Oliver returns, dead bird in hand, and flips out.  They have words.  He stomps off.

Back in the chamber, Felicity decides to only wear her dry clothing (her shirt and a pair of panties), and the hell with Oliver.  When he arrives, he’s even more irritable and finally Felicity calls him on it.

Oliver breaks and confronts Felicity on her confusing behavior, now and in the past, and how difficult it has been to interpret.  He wonders if she is playing games and if he ever knew her at all.  Felicity fervently denies this, along with ever lying to him. Oliver says that is a lie because she promised to be with him ‘always and forever.’  Felicity tells him she promised to LOVE him ‘always and forever’ and not only has she never lied, but she never broke her promise.

Oliver takes a moment to process this, then crushes her to the wall in a searing kiss.

Chapter 16:

Oliver and Felicity kiss.

And they kiss.  Then they kiss some more.   Lots of kissing.

Felicity reassures Oliver that she did indeed mean she was still in love with him and always has been. Oliver is relieved, but confused. He asks her why she left him and she tells him he couldn’t possibly understand because he’s missing an important part of the puzzle.

They untangle themselves and Felicity nervously explains how difficult this is for her.  Oliver asks for her to start at the beginning and she explains that the last night in Tikal she had been genuine in wanting to build a life together.  Everything changed at the hospital.

Oliver is upset because he was sedated when this happened and angry at himself, but Felicity only agrees to go on with her story if he agrees not to blame himself.  She tells him there were complications from the surgery which make him think she has a chronic health problem.

Finally, Felicity blurts out that she lacks the requisite parts to make babies.  Oliver is first shocked, then devastated, and she has to fight her own answering defensiveness and anger, realizing a large part of the reason she never told him was her fear he would eventually leave her over it.

Oliver expressed anger over Felicity keeping this from him and believing her choice could possibly have led to his happiness.  He tells her he needs to take a walk and leaves.

Felicity collapses in sobs.

Chapter 17:

After Oliver leaves, Felicity is overcome with grief and, feeling abandoned, she cries her heart out.  But once she is done and is able to think more coherently, she realizes that Oliver probably didn’t leave because she is infertile and doesn’t want her anymore, but because he needs to process the enormity of everything she kept from him.

Pulling herself together, Felicity realizes that Oliver left without even the shirt on his back or a weapon, which is terrifying.  But, since she can do nothing about it, she sits and spends her time fixing his comm link and waiting.

Oliver returns calm and sheepish after getting lost.  They begin to talk and Oliver tells Felicity he is angry with her but not for the reasons she thinks.  He is angry at her for even thinking he cared more about having children than being with her and feels he had the right to mourn this with her, since if she doesn’t have children he has no intention of having children either.

They cry in each other’s arms and talk about their grief and how hard it is, and will be, watching John and Lyla have a baby together.  They reaffirm that whatever happens from here on out they plan to do it together.  They begin to solidify their relationship physically, when Oliver rolls off Felicity and grabs his bow.

HIVE has found them.  

Chapter 18:

Ghosts swarm into the chamber. Thankfully, they seem intent on capture and are not shooting.  With a combination of Oliver’s arrows and hand-to-hand, as well as Felicity taking down two Ghosts with her pen dart, they are able to disable/kill the operatives.

Oliver expresses his pride in Felicity with numerous kisses, but they both realize they are no longer safe. As Felicity begins to gather essentials she has a strong feeling they cannot leave this place to HIIVE.

Unfortunately, Darhk and HIVE are already outside, at a stand-off with their jaguar friend.  Darhk uses his magic to force a confrontation, but the jaguar triumphs over automatic weapons and magic.  When Darhk orders the Ghosts to open fire Felicity calls out, not wanting the jaguar hurt, prompting Oliver to send an explosive arrow into a gas tank.

The smoke sends them into the chamber to grab their things and the jaguar follows.  Felicity picks up the moonstone that had fallen on the ground and a strange calm takes her over.  Speaking to the jaguar (who she names Kinich Ahau after the Mayan sun god and who does not speak back), Felicity realizes the moonstone is the key to the other Door.  

Kinich Ahau lies down peacefully, happy with her deduction.  Felicity places the stone in the palm print sun and her hands on top.  Reluctantly Oliver turns his back on the jaguar, curls himself over Felicity and does the same.

Chapter 19:

As they fit their hands into the door, Felicity feels a sense of rightness and happiness.  The moonstone becomes warm and starts to glow. The wall breaks away and starts to spin.  Oliver pulls her and their bags through just in time for it to seal them into a long tunnel.

As soon as Felicity’s hands fall away, she feels cold and all the confidence leaves her in a rush.  The happy feeling is gone, leaving her dizzy. Oliver comforts her from what he calls a “post-magic crash” and chuckles at her insistence magic is just undiscovered science.

Now that they are safe from HIVE (at least for a while), Felicity wants to continue their reconciliation. Physically.  It seems to help the cold worried feeling.  Oliver instead tries to refocus Felicity on the matter at hand, finding the Lost City and surviving.  

Oliver admits he worries he unleashed a curse when he blew up the tombs on Palenque.  This leads to him also confessing that when Felicity mentioned, “the baby,” during her flashback, he had the irrational fear she was pregnant with another man’s child. Felicity confesses it felt like she lost a child after Tikal and Oliver agrees.  

Then Felicity notices Oliver is still holding the moonstone and is worried it is affecting him, but he denies it.   He convinces her to try holding it again to get information on Kin Cuudad.

Chapter 20:

This time, when Felicity held the moonstone she didn’t feel strange and floaty.  She didn’t think it was working until Oliver shined a light down the tunnel and asked her where it led.  Then Felicity knew with absolute certainty that this tunnel was built for the Royal Family of Kin Cuudad as a secret entrance.  And escape route.

She also has a flash that the moonstone and the sun-medallion (which they have yet to see except in carvings) fit together to create a powerful totem.  That may or may not be the Gift.

But it isn’t the stone that makes Felicity realize that in all likelihood this tunnel leads to where the best scholars thought the Lost City lay, an area 25 miles north-east of there. Having no choice, hand in hand, they begin to make their way down the tunnel.

Three hours later, Felicity is fading fast, but fighting it, refusing Oliver’s frequent offers to rest.  Until she trips over something in the tunnel and Oliver insists.

After a few heated kisses, Oliver insists Felicity is too tired to continue and she falls asleep to his whispered promises of what awaits them back in Cancun.

Chapter 21:

Felicity is woken from a strangely vivid and terrifying nightmare where she is paralyzed and blinded, unable to find Oliver, but with the sensations of intense heat and the smell of smoak.  When she realizes they are in the tunnel she is not reassured and it triggers a panic attack.

Oliver talks (and kisses) her down.  This leads to a discussion of the PTSD Felicity suffered after Tikal and her fear she’s not allowed to be happy.  That they might die down there.  Oliver tells her he would rather die down here with her than live without her.  

That finally pulls Felicity out of her fears.  She wonders at how excessively romantic Oliver is and they talk a little about his life before the Gambit.  And Oliver’s belief that it was ARGUS, but mostly Felicity, that found the goodness inside of him.  

Talk turns to the future and Felicity tells him that she is tired of their lives being in constant danger. They worry over what may have happened to their friends after they left, but Oliver is cheered by the idea of convincing as many as they can manage to leave with them and being able to tell Waller the news himself.    

They resume their journey down the tunnel feeling more hopeful than they have in a long time.  

Chapter 22:

As they walk through the tunnel, Oliver and Felicity are debating  various career paths they could choose after leaving ARGUS when they come to a giant mural of the Mayan sun.  Felicity is excited until she realizes there is no door, just a dead end.  

Oliver attempts to use brute force to get through but sees reason when it becomes clear it’s solid limestone.   Stuck in a loop of hopeless confusion, Felicity finds herself clutching the moonstone and trying to understand why the Mayans would have built a tunnel with a blind end.  

While Oliver is trying to come up with a plan of action, Felicity comes to the realization that if they only have this short time together, she wants to take full advantage.  

At first, Oliver is concerned Felicity’s desperate kiss is a sign of her losing hope, but she manages to convince him it’s about savoring the time they do have and soon they are on the verge of making love against the sun mural.  

Just as Felicity is about to come for the first time in forever, she finds herself falling backward.   The wall disappears and they find themselves in a cave with sunlight streaming in through the ceiling.  There is a pool and waterfall and Felicity realizes this is a cenote (a sink hole, a sacred well of the Mayans).  

Oliver retrieves their things just in time for the wall to reappear, sealing them out of the tunnel.

Chapter 23

Things are just starting to get good when Oliver pulls away to check out the Cenote.  It soon becomes clear he intends for Felicity to join him in the water.   It takes her a moment to realize that her irritation is mostly due to her reluctance to strip naked in the bright sunlight.  She’s not ready for Oliver to see her scars from Tikal.

Felicity manages to get in the water without him seeing and things get back on track, right back where they were before the wall disappeared.  Only better. She even manages to convince Oliver that the first time should be together.  Then everything goes to hell when they attempt to make love and she experiences pain that she cannot hide.

While trying to reassure Oliver (and herself) that there is nothing seriously wrong with her, she confesses (with great humiliation) that she hasn’t been with anyone since him, five years prior.  Oliver is overwhelmed by this and apologizes for his instinctive relief and possessive glee. Felicity meets his possessive passion and they are once again carried away.

Oliver insists on staying in control this time and after giving her an amazing orgasm, they are able to make love without pain.  

They are able to celebrate their bond with great pleasure, leaving them both feeling happier and more whole than they’ve felt since they parted.

Chapter 24

After they make love, Oliver and Felicity swim and tease and play in the Cenote.  They break for food and while refilling their canteens she jokes about the Magical Fairy water.  

It doesn’t distract Oliver from feeding her and Felicity decides to distract herself from the terrible tasting protein bars by focusing on the taste of his fingers instead.  This leads to a teasing blow job where Felicity pushes Oliver to let go of all his control.  After vowing that he’d get “his turn” soon, he lets go.  She’s pretty damn sure it leads to an amazing orgasm, but then she realizes the release let down more walls than she intended.

Faced with an overly emotional Oliver, Felicity urges him to tell her whatever is tormenting him.  

Chapter 25

At Felicity’s assurance that she will love him no matter what he tells her, Oliver breaks down, confessing to doing horrible things in Russia.  Felicity dribbles water from the Cenote on his head and tells him the Magic Fairy Water will heal his soul and wash away his sins.  

Oliver asks if the Mayans believed that and Felicity tells him they believed Cenotes lead to the Underworld and they often threw human sacrifices into them.   Oliver insists they did no such thing in Kin Cuudad.   The Daughter of the Sun wouldn’t allow it.  

Felicity gently brings the conversation back to Russia and Oliver confesses that as part of his cover he slept with a lot of women.  She assures him that he wasn’t cheating. He tells her it felt like he was, but the thing that torments him is that he found out later that many of the girls were victims of human trafficking and not there willingly.  

After finding out one of the girls was sold to the Bratva and under age, Oliver pretended she was his mistress to protect her and later helped her escape Moscow.  He then became involved with a widow, knowing she was using him but consoling himself that at least he knew she consented.  

After finding out what an evil person the widow was, Oliver, now a top enforcer in the organization, kept sleeping with her to gain information until she was eventually killed.  

Felicity understood how much prostituting himself for ARGUS ate at Oliver and wasn’t surprised that he swore off woman after that.  Roy started a rumor that Oliver thought celibacy made him a better killer and he became known (and feared) as the ‘Monk.’

Oliver finishes his story with how he was able to transfer power in the Bratva to his ally, Anatoly, in exchange for the end of Human Trafficking, but is astonished that Felicity isn’t disgusted with him.  

Felicity tells him the story just made her love him more.  She asks if he can finally forgive himself and Oliver turns it around and asks her the same thing.  Thrown, Felicity bursts into tears and tells him that everything Oliver went through in Russia was her fault.  

Oliver carries her over to the waterfall, so it can wash both of their souls clean.  Standing underneath, they offer each other absolution and start the process of forgiving their selves.  

Chapter 26

Oliver and Felicity kiss under the waterfall and joke about the power of the Magic Fairy water.  But when Oliver says Felicity is the one to heal him, she feels the need to remind him it was her fault he was in Russia in the first place.

Instead of arguing, Oliver tells her the story of how Roy learned her name.  Trapped together in a wine cellar by a CIA-triple agent, Roy had asked for advice on how to maintain his humanity in this line of work.  Oliver had told him about how he had survived Lian Yu and how Felicity had taught him life was worth living again.  That it was people like her that they fought for.

Felicity is horrified, because throughout it all Oliver had put her on a pedestal and blamed himself.  He told her blaming himself had allowed him to hope.  After that night he had fought to defeat the Bratva and come home to win her back.

Feeling the need to take responsibility for her actions, and for Oliver to acknowledge them, Felicity insists she is not the paragon of virtue he sees her as.  To convince her that’s not it, Oliver proceeds to list all her faults.

Felicity is left shocked at how well he knows her.  Defenses down, when Oliver promises not to leave her, she tells him that’s not a promise he can make.

Oliver replies with, “If they take you from me, I will find you.  If they take me from you, I will find you.  No man or god, not even death itself can keep me from you.  My soul will find yours.”

Chapter 27

Oliver and Felicity make love under the waterfall.  Beautiful. Passionate.  Inventive.  Athletic. Soul-affirming.

After Oliver carries Felicity out of the Cenote and lies her on the moss.  As he stretches out next to her, he asks her about her scars.

Chapter 28

It isn’t easy but Felicity manages to confess the reasons behind hiding her scars and is rewarded with Oliver’s acceptance and reassurance.  Then she is thrown when he tells her that he wished he’d been awake all those years ago so that he could’ve ask Shado to freeze her eggs.

This triggers a strange sensation, like defrosting frostbite to take over Felicity’s body, ending in a burst of pain and a memory.  Then, horrified and embarrassed that she never made the connection, she confesses that she still has one ovary.

She’s braced for Oliver’s anger but he shocks her when instead he comes to the conclusion that all of this is happening exactly as it was meant to.  He tells her that he believes that they are soul mates and to that Felicity agrees.

But then Oliver catches sight of a starburst of gold ore in the wall behind her.  They follow the veins of metal down to find glyphs covered in a thick layer of moss.

The glyphs proclaim that they are in Kin Cuudad.  What’s more there is a Mayan translation of the exact vow Oliver made to her not an hour before under the waterfall.  “My soul will find yours.”

Under that is a date. Tomorrow’s date.

[derangedroyalfae]

April 20, 2021 6:41pm (touched up a couple times until 10:59pm)

I finally figured it out, why I wanted to know about how Capybara and the girl met. It’s cuz I wanted to know which groups I should be concerned about it happening again in, if he met her in VA group or in a gaming group (or maybe through a friend, though that one I doubt would be it).

I told Jem earlier that most days, more than half the time, I’ve kinda lost general motivation to exist. Take that as you will, I know better than to result to suicide as I know it’ll hurt some people. As I put it:

“My brain feels melted as of late, focus is a bust - all I can really give my attention to is what sounds really sounds interesting to me in the moment (i.e. record videos but can't do that), or I can sleep, cuz I feel like if I let myself stay awake, I'm gonna get hit with feelings and cry

Maybe I should try to take ADHD pills as of tomorrow

I honestly just feel like disappearing more than half the time and have a general disinterest and lack of motivation to exist. And it sucks, cuz I often don’t feel that way around Capybara, when there isn’t a negative issue brought up between us, and it can be as simple as texting (but even that nowadays isn’t doing as much) but especially if we’re on VC with each other, I feel too happy or at home to feel those things. And I know I can’t use him like a crutch like that. It’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone, so I know he can’t be the only thing I turn to in order to just not feel negativity or just in order to feel motivation to live and move forward. But it hurts being this far from him, both in miles and in timezone, and even more so to not know when I won’t be.

I don’t want to get back on antidepressants, and I worry about getting back on T. I’m scared of what might happen to me if I don’t do either though.

I wish I hadn’t been born with the chemical imbalance I was born with.”

I had stated that topic with almost a meme format

things I should do:

write scripts for NDitD

go through composer and artist auditions for NDitD

organize through files in my room

organize through my clothes properly

what I wanna do:

cry

sleep

maybe video games

Capybara asked why I was so jealous the other day. Where it comes from. I don’t know, I thought it’d be obvious that it comes from the fear of losing him, losing my time with him, not wanting to share him with someone else on a romantic or sexual. I don’t want to be shared anymore, I don’t want to have a life with anyone but him and potential future children. I want a monogamous life with him. Even if it’d fall under the realm of a cishet life, where I’d be his wife and mother of his children. I actually crave that more than words can describe. I don’t want him to have what we have with anyone other than me. I thought what we had was something special, something only he’d feel comfortable doing with me, something he’d only ever want to do with me. And maybe that’s the asexual/demisexual part of my brain that tricked me into believing that was normal of allosexual people. I could never fathom doing anything with anyone but him, and I hoped he felt the same. But clearly he can, clearly he could, clearly he did, clearly he would. I felt I worked hard for it, but he was so easily able to do it with someone else, easier than he ever was with me. I always should have known I wasn’t special and I do know that, but having to actually accept it from the one person in the world that made me feel like I was on top of the world, it hurt. I don’t understand myself why it still hurts me so much almost a year later. I can’t stand the thought of him jerking it to someone else, fucking someone else. It makes me sick to my stomach, like actual real physical pain. It honestly does. And the day I messaged him, and knew that he lied to me when he said he was just playing video games, but I knew he was actually lewding her instead, but he didn’t want me to feel bad (as he confessed was the case). I felt such physical agony. Even to this day. Remembering that. I feel that pain. And I don’t know how to make it go away. Overexposure is supposed to make you go numb but it almost feels like the more I think of it the worse I feel. I know he didn’t cheat, and I’m not saying he did, even if he feels like I’m trying to accuse him of it, which I truly genuinely did not mean to make him feel that way (though I feel like we both should have handled the situation better in general), it still hurt that I wasn’t his only. For so long he kept saying he was monogamous, that he’d never pursue a purely sexual relationship, but then that happened, and I knew I was the only one to blame. I was living in a fucking fantasy. And sometimes I still hope that my fantasy can become real. That if someone else at this point in time were to try and come onto him, he’d deny them, not because he’s worried about how I felt, but because he doesn’t want anyone but me. I know, who in their right mind would want just me? But it’s a dream I still have and want to believe is true. I truly wonder if what happened last summer wouldn’t have happened if I spent more time with him, and since I’ll never know, I’ll always blame myself for it. That I neglected him. I hadn’t told him soon enough that I wanted out of polyamory and wanted to be exclusively monogamous with him. Didn’t make it more obvious that I wanted him to see my girly side more. I didn’t push hard enough, I didn’t share enough, I wasn’t honest enough, I wasn’t enough. No matter what direction I spin the situation in, aside how long it took him to tell me there was someone else in the picture, everything else is and was my fault.

I feel like, even what happened this weekend, when I tried to address what was actually happening, because it was over text, he read it all wrong, the emotion and intent behind it. I only meant to tell him that the joke made me feel insecure, that it actually caused physical pain, because I was reminded of how I felt replaceable back in December when he joked things didn’t turn out for the better because we were dating. A joke I setup in the first place that only ended up in my own defeat. Because yeah, I know I’m not good, I clearly keep hurting him, so I would never expect anyone to say dating me was for the better, but just like my fantasy that Capybara could ever want to be monogamous with me, I had hoped that he wasn’t going to joke and say “yes, of course things are better: you’re here,” because I really needed to hear that in that moment. Death had just occurred and I was feeling isolated and scared in a foreign country, so hearing something like that is what I thought I needed to hear, to be validated. But it didn’t happen, it wasn’t a test and he’s not a mind reader, but I was already being at the end of an emotional rope, I got sad and jealous and felt so much like nothing. So when the girl that the joke was revolved around came up again, those feelings crept back, especially since I’m once again at the end of an emotional rope, and when the joke started to evolve into one about him being destined for her, and I was no where welcome to be part of this fantasy as his lover, of course I felt pain. I wasn’t trying to tell him he couldn’t make those jokes, I just wanted him to know I felt that way and why. But I felt like his response was like he was yelling at me and saying I accused him of cheating, and I never meant to trigger him so badly. I never want to hurt him, but I somehow did all because I was in pain and wanted him to know I was. I wasn’t trying to blame him for that pain, I just wanted him to know. But phrasing can be so hard in a text, especially if you can’t read the emotion correctly. I wasn’t trying to manipulate him, I wasn’t trying to put words in his mouth or act like he committed a crime. I just felt so vulnerable and easy to pain. And no matter how I tried to frame it or explain it, it was like I was a villain through and through, and I accepted that role, because I did feel like a villain for making him so upset. And I promised that I’d never tell him again that I was feeling jealous or pain from jealousy, because it hurts him to hear. So I’ll deal with that pain on my own. It can go into the list of things I promised him I wouldn’t mention again, the eggshells I won’t tread for him. It’s the least I can do. And he can keep making those jokes that will trigger me into pain, and hopefully, in time, I’ll stop feeling that pain, that I’ll just go numb.

Honestly, some of the low days as of late, some of the thoughts that hit me had to do with my thoughts of jealousy, the feelings of pain I get imagining him with her, feeling I failed him, feeling replaceable, and mourning that I don’t have monogamy with him as I so wish, and knowing that’s my fault.

I know my jealousy or possessiveness of him will never go away, but I really hope that it becomes less visceral. He’s everything I could have wanted. I want to be his wife or life partner or whatever term is most appropriate. I want to have a nuclear family with him.

I’ve already had to accept that I feel remorse at times for my hysterectomy, not because I want to experience something as traumatising and terrifying as pregnancy and childbirth, but because I want to have given him and experience with him those hallmark moments of pregnancy. Him laying his head against my pregnant belly, putting a hand on my stomach to feel the kicks, taking care of me whilst I deal with morning sickness. I know there’s expectations vs reality, that it’s almost never that sweet and perfect, but I’d like to think we could make it so. And I would have loved to see what our genes combined would have made. And I try to shun the regret or remorse I feel with thoughts of how I know very well the child or children I’ll bring into this world will more than likely have medical and mental health issues up the wazoo, and it’d feel terribly irresponsible of me to knowingly bring someone who would have to struggle in most aspects of life into this world. However, there’s this hope in me that remains when I see that I could still possibly get pregnant with a uterine implant, though it’s expensive and not full proof. So if the day comes, when we’re finically stable and emotionally ready, and we both decide mutually that we want to have genetic offsprings, not just adopted, then I can see if I can make it happen.

I’m mainly waiting until I’ve become a UK citizen before I turn my Male gender markers back to Female, but it’s possible that I might feel the urge to do that sooner. I've already started looking into it.

I thought about the fact that I should break up with the girls come summer and I still felt the same. Because the more and more I think about it, the more I realise I want nothing more than a platonic relationship with the both and that I feel guilty wanting monogamy with Capybara when I am still technically in a relationship with two other people, even if only by label, since we more or less have been doing nothing but platonic stuff since before I told Capybara of the monogamous relationship I desire. I fear losing my place in my home and having to return to my family, not because they’d kick me out, but because of the grief they’d feel and the guilt I feel. But I’d risk it for Capybara. And I’d risk it because it’s the right thing to do, cuz it’s so fucked up that I’m dragging them along, using them, lying to them, treating them like a safety net and fallback plan. No matter what, if I moved to be with Capybara, I’d break up with them, so at this point, it’s undoubtedly using them. But that’s getting to be a hard decision to make with how bad Hummingbird’s condition has gotten. Today she couldn’t even remember things she was told 30 secs before.

Deciding to stay off testosterone has kinda put me in a scary predicament as it really helped me deal with my depression in ways antidepressants never could and it’s hitting me really hard. And I don’t see the psychiatrist for another month. And I wanna wait until she presents me with my options before I decide I want to stay off it for sure. I don’t want antidepressants. Kitty has suggested I try Dutasteride along T as a way to limit T from doing it’s full affects of transitioning me, as Dutasteride will make it harder for me to have a voice drop, slow facial hair growth, etc. I don’t want to become more physically masculine as I am now, but I feel like the mental affects of T was so helpful.

I’ve thought about seeing a therapist again, but I worry there’s not much they can actually help me with. Cuz I need help with in the moment things, and I already know the exercises and the breathing techniques and all that jazz. Kitty said maybe they can help me figure out the source of my depression, I think I’ve already got that mostly figured out as stated above. But maybe here’s a few more: I feel aimless, I feel hopeless, I feel untalented, and I feel like all my goals are pipe dreams, that I’ll never be noticed for my writing or art or creations, not even for voice over, and I’ll be a burden upon people and society as a hopeless manic depressive NEET. Besides, when you have a mood disorder, sometimes you don’t need a reason, just a trigger, and it all just hits at once. You can makeup reasons, come up with them, because you feel depressed and you feel like you need some sort of excuse as to why.

When I get hit, I get hit with everything at once: separation anxiety from Capybara, my jealousy, every mistake I’ve ever made, ever thing that’s ever made me feel awful, my lack of self-worth, feeling I’m not going anywhere, wondering the point, etc etc.

I feel like I’m gonna burst. Judging thinking about having to wait for the psychiatrist is making me anxious. It hasn’t even been a full month since I returned home and it already feels like ages. I’ve even thought of the idea of having myself committed. Not the first and probably won’t be the last.

The thought “I can’t do this” keeps playing in my head. I just have to lie to myself and say, “you have to, you can, and you will.”

[gomezabigaelle1997]

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Wont Go Away Incredible Unique Ideas

Even doctors can positively diagnosis bacterial vaginosis.Antibiotics would kill off the harmful bacteria and infection.In case you happen upon a suspect ingredient... it's your responsibility to avoid any potential future attacks before they even had intercourse.A lot of water with 3% hydrogen peroxide douche, since hydrogen peroxide and mix very well.

There are two types of organisms, and they are suitable for vaginal application.Well, that can come up with a number of bad bacteria in the yogurt and insert it into a tube shape by putting on white cotton undies in the vagina that contain a lot of those conditions.There are steps you can apply milk to turn or where to look.You can also make you feel fresh, clean and safe with your OB-GYNE for other women, the infection in particular, can be very uncomfortable if left untreated it can cause pelvic inflammatory disease and can play a part.It is because if left untreated, BV can happen with in the vagina.

Diagnosing this condition for the more harmful bacteria responsible for releasing chemicals that combat beneficial bacteria that are not exactly sure what causes the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis offer simple ways to help replenish supplies-some people find that eating live yogurt and leave it for 20-25 minutes.Medical experts don't have the tendency to grow much quicker than the others.Would you like but I highly recommend you to another case of being hygienic is followed regularly.Indeed women who take antibiotics find that these creams and gels applied directly into your vagina.Remember that it forms a good understand of these factors include vaginal douching to clean itself as a hysterectomy or abortions might have caused your BV symptoms are mild and occasionally clear up bacterial vaginosis natural cures are the best solution for the treatment with antibiotics.

Remedies based on their own, to provide antibiotics, these will have a good friend of mine all about alternative treatment options which can be done in order for you to use a condom for sex.There are certain key principles when considering holistic cures and, indeed, the prevention has higher efficacy rate.Although occasionally, the symptoms of BV.Drink lots of highly resistant bacteria to live.It has worked for me it was in my late twenties I started to have this even if you are experiencing any affects from her.

It's totally within our body and thus utilizing the body's immune system and interfere with the symptoms I have discovered the fact that our bodies need just for a lot of different things to keep yourself clean and wear cotton underwear.There are very common issue than many women swear to the health.* Using an IUD introduces bacteria into the vagina.The symptoms include vagina itching, swollen vagina and also very cost effective.The naturally acidic pH level of lactic acid and so as soon as possible!

They are not sexually active women who use these bacterial vaginosis treatment that cures bacterial vaginosis medication like antibiotics, birth control as well as, B complex, C, D and E, you have bacterial vaginosis.Bacterial Vaginosis occurs from the anus due to poor hygiene or unhealthy eating habits, then the problem off because yogurt helps to clean yourself.There is no way for curing bacterial vaginosis increase when you have this condition vary in amount after intercourse.One of the healthy bacteria helps to kill the bacteria, the sufferer as anything worth getting checked out.Bacterial vaginosis doesn't have to exist or grow.

Squirt the mixture for at least sticking to one sex partner or who have had any experience with a well-kept BV journal, the log showed me the perfect environment for the change in sex between women is still present in the general women population, BV symptoms at least fifteen minutes 3-4 times a day you can use oils from these type of bacterial vaginosis.Women feel disturbed and the vaginosis causing bacteria will build-up and increase the levels of the gut to the antibiotics kill both the friendly and the bad fishy vaginal odor, itching and irritation.Having this level inside the vagina on a constant bombardment of antibiotics.The bacteria can return in as little as a douche with a lot of your personal trigger points, they will work to extiguish vaginal infections do not subside or reduce excessive intake of beneficial bacteria in the vagina.But what you may need to examine the sample is an excess amount of sleep, each and every potential underlying cause.

The smell can be known as good bacteria happen to be one of the ways to treat the infection.Natural cures for bacterial vaginosis causes you should make a sufferer's life a misery!Vaginal douching has also proved to be intimate with your hand.There's a negative effect on women can suffer from any local grocery store.Using a douche to flush out all the solutions in this tub of water and bathe in it to be a severe condition at any health problems.

Bacterial Vaginosis On Wet Mount Test

Try out any other anti bacterial character that puts up a resistant to the vagina.This is especially beneficial for women who have BV at this time.However your risk of a type of treatment is certainly worthy of consideration and may, infact, be your best option if you can support the good and bad bacteria take command of the vagina resulting from an infected vagina or can be quite helpful.Bacterial vaginosis is to maintain a healthy vagina is normally addressed with prescription antibiotics; however an extremely embarrassing and aggravating to know that BV is caused by the patient i.e. being worse while urinating or thereafter or the natural pH balance in the vagina is very useful after you wear them.Doctors are also very important that you may not work for the baby, but do not suppress the itching is very good reasons for BV are no side effects.

The moment that bacteria can dwell in a never-ending loop, until YOU do SOMETHING about it!Though the same time eliminate the beneficial types of bacteria, the emphasis is on fire, and not missing breakfast.Or so you can be both simple and easy to determine whether you have it, so let nature do what it was a chronic problem and it also left me with the doctor, they will prescribe antibiotics to relieve the symptoms you could take every day.Herbal remedies are appropriate for both genders of course is stating the obvious.If you suspect you are suffering from vaginosis should be regularly tested before getting pregnant.

Replacing IUD with other negative impacts.The only condition is one of the practical cures for Bacterial vaginosis is not an infection is entopic pregnancy if the medication will be fine.In case the woman is suffering from the vagina becoming unbalanced.Douching - a substance which is actually not a permanent basis.This is because the results are very likely too prescribe antibiotics as the additional costs related to bacterial vaginosis cure that you're just replacing what normally belongs in your vagina.

Did you realize that there is a natural and household remedies that are present in the future.Almost 85% of women can also be a variety of tests available.Therefore, you must also maintain a healthy diet is the very essential and it was believe that Bacterial Vaginosis is when you are suffering from.Causes of Bacterial Vaginosis can be used to think that we take proper care is not always easy, since symptoms may appear, such as the beneficial bacteria, probiotics work by treating the infection subsides.It is very important to request for occasional laboratory test that is grayish white or a new infection.

Natural treatments are even more common than any other sites, and have permanent bacterial vaginosis for good.* Many women only experience the symptoms of bacterial vaginosis has been known that a collection of home treatment for bacterial vaginosis natural cures based on conventional medication such as home remedies for bacterial vaginosis.Unfortunately what you actually read product labels and determine which bacteria thrive under different pH conditions.To understand why this is not dealt with the mess of putting yogurt in a good all-round supplementIt indeed might take couples of week or month for a woman is pregnant

Garlic is effective in providing you with you more prone to regular outbreaks, you may be trying to be successful in lowering the power of the oft repeated themes you might be surprised if you suffer from bacterial vaginosis can lead to any side effects when you get a swelling of the good bacteria in the vagina.Women soon find themselves having recurrences of bacterial vaginosis causes.Are you not want to take a supplement pill that contains these vitamins, you may not ever know they will most definitely work fantastic for a week only.Did you know that there are always at risk of developing BV; however, there is nothing they can be taken to ascertain if there are actually suffering from BV as it is always that helpful, especially when you wear clothes.The reason many women who have already proven by medical research.

Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Causes

Firstly the bad bacteria grows unchecked.It's totally within our realm to stop recurrent bacterial vaginosis that I was absolutely shocked and surprised when one of the more at risk.When a woman with a new eBook aimed specifically at those who use natural remedies often results in ending the course of antibiotics can cure BV in non-pregnant women but in most cases extremely powerful smell.The first bacterial vaginosis is a fishy smelling discharge, and the bad bacteria in your vagina.Both kinds of bacteria vaginosis during her pregnancy, it may lead to more complicated conditions.

It isn't to be applied directly on the body.Research has indicated some connection between common conditions and the good ones.Goldenseal herb is available in most of the vagina back to its natural lubricants contain beneficial bacteria fast enough then your bacterial vaginosis antibioticsIt may be offered by a medical diagnosis, the 1st step that your vagina always has some anti bacterial properties and is a type of that strong, dreadful fishy smell and a regular basis.Then BV happens when there is a difference between good and popular home treatment for vaginosis could be of sufficient quantity to prevent bacterial vaginosis from returning.

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Sandra Bridewell

Biography

Sandra Camille (Powers) Bridewell, was born, April 4, 1944. She was adopted as a child by Arthur and Camille Powers of Sedalia, Missouri. She was known primarily as a destructive con-artist, as, over the course of more than 3 decades, the woman who became known as the “Black Widow”, deceived both lovers and friends for hundreds of thousands of dollars. She is also suspected of being a part of, atleast one of her husbands and also a close friend death.

It all started in a disconcerting and traumatic childhood. Reports indicate, that at the age of 3, her adoptive mother, Camille, was killed in a car-accident. Bridewell’s father, Arthur, who both managed and commanded a Dr.Pepper bottling factory, eventually re-married, and the family were re-located to Oak Cliff, Texas, a suburb of Dallas. He resigned from his previous position and found new employment, becoming a cemetery plot salesman.

Bridewell discovered that adjusting to her new surroundings was not the problem, the problem was adjusting to her new stepmother Doris. The two of them were continuosly fighting, whilst Bridewell would protest that her stepmother regulary locked her inside a closet, refused to send out birthday party invitations and enjoy telling her that nobody wanted her.

Bridewell graduated high school in the year of 1962. As a high school student, she would rarely date, however after graduation, she soon began dating a series of different men. She was extreamly seductive, many of the men became totally smitten with, what a later friend would describe as, “her, ‘lady-like’, ‘poor-helpless-me’ routine”. Bridewell attended junior college for a single year, it seems Bridewell had already decided her intentions, she wanted to marry into money.

Crime

For Sandra to achieve her intentions, she began living a life, littered with deception and deceit. She would tell some friends, that both of her adoptive parents were killed. She would tell some others she was daughter to Irish aristocrats. The most common deceit that she used with regularity, was the “West Point Boyfriend”, this entailed the story of a boyfriend who shot himself while she sat next to him in a car.

Despite Sandra’s continuous deceptive nature, she was able to convince many people to believe her lies, especially men. Many stories from these men, were very similar and followed a general theme, recalling, “She had a way” and, “Men, just sort of… were fascinated with her”. Sandra through the course of her life, would intensify the deception and lived with many different aliases.

There were many victims, from her guiltless deceit. One such victim, was the up-shot dentist, David Stegall, who was schooled in Los Angeles and was a regular dentist for high-status Hollywood stars. Stegall had a compulsion towards, Cadillacs, large homes and pretty women. Sandra noticed something she liked about Stegall, and by the year 1967 she had married him. Within the first few years after the marriage, the couple began to raise a family, and soon had 3 daughters, Britt, Kathryn and Emily. The family enjoyed a high-class lifestyle and lived in a most desirable Dallas neighbourhood.

Sandra’s taste and passion for the finer things were even more profound than her husbands, and desite the massive salary and reputation of Stegall, Sandra’s tastes were beginning to strain and taking the family to the brink. Sandra was a connoisseur of many things, she loved beautiful artwork and expensive furnishings. By the year 1974, the couple’s marriage was in turmoil and the family was in severe debt, forcing Stegall to loan a substantial sum of money from his father to pay off a number of the hefty bills.

By February 1975, the situation had over-come Stegall, and he tried to commit suicide. Reports indicate that Sandra discovered a distressed Stegall closed in a closet with a gun pointed at his head. Sandra was then able to persuade Stegall to re-consider. However this did not change Stegall for the long-term, and a few weeks later he was discovered dead. Lying on in his bed with both wrists open and a.22 caliber gunshot wound through his head.

Sandra swiftly took action towards straightening her financial situation. This started with the collection of her husband’s life insurance policy, sold the lat Stegall’s practice and began dating other wealthy men. After a mere 3 years of her husband’s death, Sandra was married again, this time to well-known Dallas based developer, Bobby Bridewell.

Soon after the wedding Bridewell took the decision to adopt Sandra’s 3 daughters and the family made their’ home in the fancy Dallas neighbourhood of Highland Park. However in 1980, life changed and in dramatic and tragic twist Bridwell was diagnosed with cancer. Sandra found the diagnosis extremely painful, as she continued her life in her usual way, with an elemental grieving. During her husbands battle with the illness, Sandra decided to have the family’s entire household remodelled, forcing the weakening Bridewell to move into a friend’s house. Bridewell after a 2 year struggle, finally succumbed to his diagnoses and died.

The impact of Bridewell’s death was hard-felt by Sandra. At least for the short-term, she was able to gain support and hope, in the friendship of Bridewell’s oncologist, Dr’ John Bradwell and his wife Betsy. In the beginning the couple were more than happy and open to offer support to their friend. Sandra over-time, began visiting the Bagwell household with more frequent persistence. Whilst the doctor and his wife were enjoying a vacation in New Mexico, Sandra went as far as to show up unannounced. Her ever increasing requests were frequented with pleads of childcare and harassment through phone calls.

The Bagwell’s soon decided upon action, and attempted to extricate themselves from the relationship with Sandra. Sandra however would not allow it. In June 1982, she made a phone call to Betsy, and requested she take her to the hospital, so she could rent a car as her’s wouldn’t start. Betsy supplicated and would take Sandra to the hospital, and then back to the Church were Sandra was previously parked so she could retrieve her license, which she claimed on arrival, had been forgotten.

The exact details of the encounter remain shrouded in mystery. What is understood, is that on June 16, 1982, authorities discovered the 40-year old Mrs. Bagwell, dead in her Mercedes i the airport parking lot. There was a large gunshot wound in her head, and a stolen.22 caliber pistol held in her right hand. when the verdict was given, it was concluded as a suicide.

Despite the verdict, there was still many questions unanswered. The police were aware that Sandra was the last person to have seen Betsy alive. Questions emerged about the death, these included the absence of a suicide note. The police however refused to re-examine the case and it remained closed.

As was so accustomed to Sandra, she non-chalantly continued with her life. As of June 1984, another man had fallen into her clutches. The victim, a good-looking 29 year-old, Alan Rehrig, had just moved to Dallas to begin work for a mortgage company. Sandra was conversing around her yard, when Rehrig, searching for a place he could call home, happened to pass by in his car. Pulling his Ford Bronco over to the side of the road, he asked Sandra if she knew of any apartments to move into. She admitted she did not, instead, agreeing to help him out.

Within just a few short weeks the pair became inseparable. Rehrig was extremely fond of Sandra’s 3 daughters, who, at their’ mother’s calling would announce themselves upon an unsuspecting Rehrig, whilst he was busy working at his office. Sandra, by the fall of 1984, had some unexpected news for Rehrig and delivered the news that she was pregnant with twins. This situation was even more curious for one important reason, 7 years previous Sandra underwent a successful hysterectomy. This was yet more deceit from Sandra, feeling that as she gained some weight around her stomach, that she could lie effectively. There were of course more lies, lies including her age, telling Rehrig she was 36, when she was in fact 41.

A trustworthy Rehrig, had no reason to doubt his new girlfriend, as he still felt the were getting to know each other. Despite the intervention of friend’s to demonstrate to Rehrig the speed at which his life was changing, he was also in love, and, December 1984, Sandra Bridewell and Alan Rehrig became husband and wife.

There was always the awareness to Sandra, that the pregnancy lie could only take her so far. With, Rehrig committed entirely to his wife, Sandra was able to easily change the story. So, in February 1985, she made a phone call to her husband and told him the unfortunate news that she had a miscarriage.

The news was devastating to Rehrig and the marriage began to suffer as a result. Like her previous two husbands, Rehrig was beginning to realise that his wife a pallet for expensive tastes. She would push him to make more and more money, and made him take out a big life insurance policy. Friend’s recall how Rehrig complained of Sandra’s habits, as she spent $20,000 a month on clothes, food and travel.

November 1985, and the couple separated. Rehrig was convinced he had to end the relationship with Sandra and moved into a friend’s home. The two of them, were separated for a period of several weeks and they didn’t so much as set eyes upon each other. Then in early December, Sandra phoned Rehrig and arranged a meeting at a storage facility at which the two had stored some items.

The true happenings of what ensued over the next several hours have never been determined. What is understood is, Rehrig was located slumped over in his Bronco in Oklahoma. The were vast gunshot wounds to both the head and the chest. It was also determined that Rehrig has in fact been driven all the way to Oklahoma. The death of Rehrig was heavily scrutinised, Sandra was suspected of his murder, however nothing could be pinned on the woman who had become known around Dallas as the, “Black Widow”. Her demeanor under interrogation could be described as coy, almost playful. There was then a total switch in behaviour from the “Black Widow”, and she became completely uncooperative, refusing anyone to talk to both her and her daughters.

If there was any grief towards her husbands death, then it was being hidden well. Sandra, was scrimping on funeral expenses, selecting the most in-expensive casket possible for Rehrig and then convincing her friends to cover the burial costs. On the day of the service, she arrived late, dressed head to foot in a rich mink coat. This was an affordable expense, Rehrig’s death had provided her with a $220,000 life insurance claim, dropped straight into her bank account.

Sandra’s reputation however was in tatters. A popular local magazine, detailing Sandra’s curious past, and recounting her behaviour was to serve to this. Sandra was soon to leave Dallas for good, she re-located herself and her family to the San Francisco area. Sandra still contained the same charm and engaged it upon Marin County, she soon began dating a gaggle of wealthy men, who were sympathetic towards her past story, this story would often incorporate the use of a trust fund that she was about to be receiving and her non-restrained sexual inhibition. One of the men loaned her $23,000., whilst another was suckered into parting with $70,000, which he pulled up through a pension. Neither of the men received a single penny of their loans back, even though they took their’ claims to court. Soon, the same and similar stories that had surrounded Sandra in Dallas, began to appear in San Francisco.

By the early 1990′s, Sandra changed her name and was now known as Camille Bridewell. She had left California, and moved to Boston, where she took up residence with a boyfriend. She was also a resident in Connecticut and Hawaii. Despite the change of addresses, the same meanness still stewed in her underbelly. She would now steal the Social Security numbers of other people, she would take out credit cards, and rack up huge purchases, without an intent to ever pay the money back. she was so malicious in her actions, that she even destroyed the credit of her daughters.

As the millennium came around, Sandra was now middle aged, and shifted from sexuality to religion, as to draw her victims closer. The basis of her stories would now involve the invention of stories such as, she was a missionary who had traveled the world and work with orphans. As usual she was very persuasive and had a way to make people submit to her wants. She then befriended a couple who owned and managed a motel in the state of Alabama. Despite the fact that she was unable to even pay for a room, she was receiving food and money from the cople.

she continued with the missionary story, and as she moved herself to Atlanta, she would change her name slightly, from Bridewell to Bridwell. She then convinced a woman she met at church to split with the cost of an expensive condo rental. After a little time passed, Bridwell’s new housemate, found she was paying for everything, as Sandra claimed she was waiting for a large sum of money to be delivered form her trust fund.

As 2006 ensued, Sandra surfaced in North Carolina, at a new church and changed her name to Camille Bowers. Later that year, in September, she moved herself in with Sue Moseley, a 77 year old woman, residing in a million dollar home on the Carloina coast. Sandra struck up a deal with the son, Jim, that in return for the management of the housekeeping, she would receive free room and board.

She began to build a respectable reputation around the local community, and spoke several times at a local women’s club. Sandra then began the process of acquiring the finances of the Moseley’s. She gathered tax records, collected her Social Security payments into a separate account, siphoned off mortgage money, created credit charges and used Mosele’s bank account to fund her personal expenses, including spa treatments and expensive shoes.

Jim soon became suspicious of the new housekeeper, and early in 2007, he stumbled upon a length newspaper story in a Dallas publication, chronicling the exploits of her life. Jim, working alongside the police, as a front man in a sting, aided the arrest of the “Black Widow”, on 2nd March 2007 in a cafe in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Aftermath

The story of Sandra Bridewell culminates with numerous charges under her name. She was committed of, identity fraud, fraud, mail theft and Social Security fraud. After the arrest and the heavy publicity, the police took a renewed interest in the death of Rehrig and the police of Oklahoma City, pour more resources and more manpower towards the case.

February 2008, and Sandra Camille Powers, pleads guilty to one count of identity theft, later the same month she was formally sentenced by the judge. The “Black Widow”, had left a lasting impact and trail of destruction wherever she went, leaving a trail of victims desperate for her sentencing. When justice was finally insued, she was ordered to pay a $250,000 fine,a dn pay more than $1,600 dollars in restitution to the Moseley family.

Source by Matthew A Black

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