#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time

[danielnelsen]

there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn

[cruelangelstheses]

but now i’m all smiles

fandom: love live! rating: G characters: nico yazawa, nico yazawa’s parents words: 2.6k additional tags: parent-child relationship, parent death, pre-canon, angst with a happy ending, terminal illness, grief/mourning description: when nico is six years old, she realizes her father is dying. a/n: hi all!! i wrote this for the @kindergarden-zine and now i can post it!! i wanted to explore nico’s relationship with her father, based on her school idol diary entry in which it’s pretty much all but stated that her father is dead. i had her call him “papa” and her mom “mama” because it says in the footnotes of the translation that she calls him “papa” in the original text of the diary entry. thank u for reading, enjoy!! <3

read it on ao3

—

It’s almost dinnertime, and Nico Yazawa is on top of the world.

She rides atop her father’s broad shoulders, feeling his large, warm hands holding her body so she doesn’t fall. Her body bounces as they make their way down the hill from her preschool and tread down the sidewalk of their neighborhood. They’re lucky to live so close—from up here, Nico can already see her house very faintly in the distance. She can see everything from up here, it seems: the houses, the preschool, the trees, the bright orange sky. It’s a perfect day.

Underneath her, her father says, “Do you want to sing your theme song, Nico?”

He asks her this question every day after school, and Nico always has the same response. “Yes!”

Her father counts to three, and then they both start singing together, a song her father made up just for her. “Nico nii, nico nii, ni-co ni-co nii! Nico nii, nico nii, ni-co ni-co nii! Smiling cheerfully, with a ni-co ni-co nii! Smiling like the sun, with a ni-co ni-co nii!”

The song always puts a smile on her face, but she supposes that’s the whole point. Her name, “Nico,” means “smile,” and her father has always told her that he wants her to keep on smiling, even when things get hard. That’s why Nico tries her best to smile even when she scrapes her knee on the playground, or when she doesn’t want to clean her room, and if she ever has trouble smiling, she just sings her father’s song. It always puts her in a better mood, but the best time to sing it is when she’s on her father’s shoulders, coming back from a long day at school, knowing that dinner should be ready by the time they get home. With the warmth of the setting sun on her face and her fingers able to touch the tree branches, she feels like she can go anywhere, do anything, be anything.

After a few rounds, her father lets her off of his shoulders so that they can walk the rest of the way together. They play hopscotch on the sidewalk, even though there isn’t any drawn on the ground. They’ve done this so many times that Nico has memorized the pattern: three hops on one foot, and then it goes two feet, one foot, two feet, one foot, two feet, and repeat. Of course, the pattern can vary, but this is the one she and her father go by, all the way from the sidewalk up the driveway and into the house.

She happens to land on both feet right when she makes it inside, and she and her father both cheer. “That means today is a lucky day!” her father says excitedly as he bends down to give her a congratulatory hug.

Nico grins so wide she thinks her face might split. It’s a good day, a perfect day, a lucky day.

—

That night, Nico awakens to the sound of sirens.

They’re louder than they usually are when she hears them in the distance, and the concerning part is that they don’t get quieter, don’t seem to fade away. Confused and annoyed, Nico pulls herself out of bed and wanders over to the window, standing on her tiptoes so that she can see over the windowsill. Her heart nearly stops right there.

Sitting in the driveway of her home is an ambulance.

Nico knows what an ambulance is, and she knows what it means. Ambulance equals hospital. Ambulance equals someone in danger.

Nico pounds out of her bedroom and nearly trips on her way down the stairs from running so fast. Her mother is standing in the living room, watching as a few men who look sort of like doctors or nurses wheel her father out the front door on some sort of portable bed. He looks like he’s sleeping.

“Mama,” she says, her voice sounding small and squeaky, like a mouse. “Mama, what’s happening?”

Her mother, who looks stressed but not devastated, sighs and rubs her eye tiredly. “Papa is going to the hospital,” she says. “Something urgent came up that they have to fix, but he’ll be fine after that.” She gives Nico a tiny smile, but Nico doesn’t feel much better.

Her father has some sort of sickness, has had it for as long as she can remember. He’s been in and out of hospitals before, but they were always appointments, regular check-ups to make sure he was doing okay or to give him some special medicine. He hasn’t had to do that in a while, though. The doctors said he was going to be fine; they called it “remission.” This shouldn’t be happening.

“Hey,” her mother says, pointing to her own face and smiling with her teeth. “Nico nico nii, remember?”

Nico tries her best to smile back. “Ni-co ni-co nii,” she chants, but she can still feel the fear in her heart.

Her mother nods. “Nico nico nii,” she repeats. “Now go back to sleep, sweetie. We’ll go visit Papa tomorrow, since you don’t have school.”

Nico nods and trudges back up the stairs. As she reluctantly climbs into bed, she sings her father’s song to herself, picturing his radiant and smiling face, but part of her feels betrayed—not by him, necessarily, but by the world. Today was supposed to be a lucky day.

—

They find out the next day that Nico’s father is probably going to have to stay in the hospital for a bit longer than they thought he would. The disease has come back, the doctors say; they call it a “recurrence,” a relapse. Nico tries to put on a brave face in front of her father, but it doesn’t feel right. It feels like lying. She knows he wants her to keep on smiling, but it’s hard to smile when she thinks about how he’s not going to be waiting for her after preschool, not going to carry her on those big, strong shoulders of his. Still, she finds some solace in the knowledge that it’s just for a little while, and then he’ll be back on his feet, playing hopscotch with her like he always does, and everything in the world will be right again.

—

He isn’t getting better.

Days turn into weeks, which turn into even longer, and still her father hasn’t been discharged from the hospital. New problems keep popping up—“complications,” they say—so they have to keep giving him different treatments. Her mother’s insistence that he’ll come home soon has started eroding away, and Nico can see through her halfhearted reassurances. They visit him in the hospital all the time, and he certainly doesn’t look like he’s getting any better. In fact, every time they visit him, he almost seems worse. He’s more tired, and he doesn’t look as big or strong as he used to. He still smiles whenever he sees them, though, a real smile, and despite everything, visiting him helps Nico smile, too.

One day near the beginning of winter, Nico’s mother takes her to a nearby florist, an old family friend, to pick out some flowers for her father. They did this a few months ago for his birthday, but today isn’t a special day, she doesn’t think, so she’s not quite sure why they’re doing it again.

“Sometimes it’s just nice to have flowers,” her mother tells her as they walk through the door. The tinkling of the bell that signals their arrival is music to Nico’s tiny ears.

She has to look at everything. Only the prettiest, happiest of flowers will do for her father, and there are just so many types and arrangements for her to assess. Some of them are too boring; some are too fancy. She needs something that will make her father happy, and she needs something that will show him how happy he makes her.

After considering several different arrangements of various pinks and blues, Nico finds herself drawn to an arrangement she almost missed, sitting on a somewhat higher perch near the back of the store. It’s simple but bright: yellow lilies punctuated by soft purple sweet peas. The contrast mesmerizes her, reminding her of when she and her father would color together. He would tell her about primary colors and complementary colors, and she would find herself surprised by how certain colors look better next to a particular hue.

“This one,” she calls. “This one, Mama!”

As they pay for the flowers, the florist tells them that this arrangement is great for expressing joy, as well as gratitude for the good times. Nico prides herself on picking the perfect gift, as always.

She’s so excited at the prospect of giving her father such a wonderful bouquet, she almost forgets that they’re seeing him in the hospital. She almost forgets that he’s been looking more sickly with every visit. She almost forgets that he’s dying.

Granted, nobody’s ever told her that he’s dying, but Nico can tell. She’s six now. She’s not dumb. She knows that death happens when someone is very old or sick and that it means they won’t come back. She knows that it’s sad, and she knows that it’s happening to her father. She’s long since stopped asking him when he’s going to come home.

Her mother carries the flowers and leads her through the hallways to her father’s room, a route she’s terribly familiar with by now. She hates the strange smells and sounds of the hospital, and she hates looking at the weird machines that her father is hooked up to. But it’s worth it to see him.

Her father smiles as soon as they walk in. “Nico!” he says, but his voice is weak, and he doesn’t seem to be able to move much. “Come give me a hug.”

Her mother helps her climb up onto a nearby chair so that she can lean over and hug him without hurting him. He feels soft and bony, not at all like the strong arms she remembers. She wonders if he would even still be able to lift her.

“Papa, I picked out flowers for you,” she says, plopping down on the chair. Her mother smiles and places the vase on the windowsill. Nico concludes that she made the right choice—she likes the way they immediately brighten up the dull gray of a cloudy winter day.

Her father grins. “They look lovely. So beautiful and cheerful. Just like you.”

Nico smiles briefly, but she can’t stop thinking about something the florist said to her mother when she thought Nico couldn’t hear. Nowadays sweet peas are mostly just used because they’re pretty, she said, but in flower language, they mean “goodbye.” Nico glances back over at the flowers, thinking about the message they’re sending: Thank you for all the happy times and for being such a wonderful father. Goodbye. I’ll miss you.

Her father must be able to tell that she’s preoccupied—of course he can—because he reaches over and takes her small hand in his large one. “Now, now,” he says, “it’ll be alright. Just remember the song. We can sing it together.”

Nico forces herself to smile again. “Okay.”

Her father counts to three, and then they both start singing, much softer than they would when walking home from school. “Nico nii, nico nii, ni-co ni-co nii! Nico nii, nico nii, ni-co ni-co nii!”

Both of their voices are shaking, his likely from the sickness, hers probably because she’s trying not to cry. But she loves her father, and she knows that all he wants is for her to be happy, so she keeps going. “Smiling cheerfully, with a ni-co ni-co nii! Smiling like the sun, with a ni-co ni-co nii!”

When they finish, Nico glances out the window and is surprised to see the first few flakes of snow drifting down. “It’s snowing!”

Her father laughs. “Well, would you look at that? Our singing brought the first snow of the season.” He pats Nico on the shoulder. “When you get home, Nico, I want you to go out there and have fun in the snow. No, twice the fun. Enough fun for you and me both.”

Nico nods and hugs him again, burying her face into his neck so that he doesn’t have to see her cry.

—

Her father passes away the next day.

The months that follow are a whirlwind of sorrow and strangeness. Life seems to simultaneously stop in its tracks, yet move too fast at the same time. Life as Nico knows it has stopped, but this new life, this life-without-her-father, feels like it’s running off without her, leaving her in the dust like a train she just missed.

That winter is the hardest winter of her life. The cold and the grayness are a perfect mirror for the mood that permeates the Yazawa household. No matter how much she reminds herself to keep smiling, no matter how many times she sings her theme song, no matter how many good memories she replays in her mind, the world still feels muted, the colors drained, the air freezing without the warmth of her father’s arms or smile. Even on days when the sun shines, it feels like it’s mocking them.

It’s over that lonely spring break, when it’s still too cold outside to properly be called “spring,” that Nico discovers idols. She’d known about them before, but she never really knew what they did, never really took an interest. Now, though, with nothing to do for a week and little motivation to do much of anything, Nico finds herself watching idol performances on television, fascinated by their perfect choreography, their matching outfits, their cheerful harmonies.

What really gets her, though, is the audience’s reactions. They yell so loudly that Nico wonders how their lungs don’t give out, waving multicolored lightsticks and sometimes shouting different phrases in unison. At the end of a performance, when the idols say their goodbyes and tell the crowd how much they love them, the fans cheer and even cry in happiness, and that’s when it hits her: a desire unlike any she’s ever experienced. A desire to share in that moment. A desire to make people happy.

Now that she thinks about it, becoming an idol seems obvious. It feels like her father has been preparing her for it all along by singing along with her and teaching her the importance of spreading happiness.

She remembers the song she’s been singing all her life. It was meant to make her smile, but maybe it can make others smile, too.

—

On the first day of elementary school, Nico stands in front of the mirror in her room, practicing her idol moves. She’s wearing an adorable pink skirt, her hair ties look like cherries, and her backpack is shaped like a bunny rabbit. Nico bends down both of her middle and ring fingers so that only her pinkies, pointer fingers, and thumbs are sticking out. “Ni-co ni-co nii!” she cheers, putting her hands up and smiling widely. It’s going to be a perfect day, maybe even a lucky day.

It’s still hard without her father, and she has a feeling that it’s going to be hard for a long time. But he wanted her to keep smiling, and that’s what she’s going to do.

“Nico!” her mother says as she leans up against the doorway. “Let me take a picture of you outside on your first day of elementary school!”

So they both head out the front door and slip their shoes on. Her mother stands in the yard and holds up her camera. “Smile!”

Nico strikes the same pose she was practicing in the mirror. Thank you, Papa, she thinks, and as she sends her love up to the heavens, Nico Yazawa, future number one idol in the universe, flashes a winning grin and sings, “Ni-co ni-co nii!”

[magicmirrored]

On March 22, 2014, I created whiteravenandblackdove, my first ever fandomless OC roleplay blog on Tumblr. I had previously only played canons up to that point, and I hadn’t been roleplaying on Tumblr for long. Over three years, I built up relationships, not just with muses but with muns, had interacted with pushy/rule-breaking blogs, had a months-long incident with an emotional manipulator, real-life matters, and long nights of fun dash shenanigans. I met some absolutely amazing people there, some I still talk to, others I don’t.

Eventually, I changed the years-old URL to magicmirrored.

Come 2017, and I was preoccupied with one of my other blogs, and had been neglecting the twins for months due to lack of motivation and just an overall feeling of negativity whenever I logged on. But I have had Laine and Zane Misota as characters for years, and I was not going to give up on them.

So I rebooted. Started over fresh. And it was the best idea I had.

I have never met a group of people so readily accepting and welcoming of a new person, so actively kind and appreciative of one another. On the old blog, I always had this issue of “belonging”--I was fandomless and an OC blog, I didn’t fit in anywhere. Now, despite my dash being a wide array of fandoms, I’ve realized that it isn’t a fandom that makes me feel loved: it was the people. And you all have made me feel so at home over the past two months that I’ve had this blog so far. I cannot express just how grateful I am.

It’s been a long time since I’ve consistently had this much fun on a roleplay blog.

So! Let’s get to the sappy part, shall we?

THE SHITPOST CRUSADERS

I would be absolutely remiss to not mention these guys. These people have accepted me and treated me like one of their own from day one, have supported me in the lowest points of my life, have cheered me up whenever I needed it. We’ve dealt with drama and shitty people, dealt with our internal issues, and given each other a resource of love and support that I honestly don’t know where I’d be without. You guys aren’t just my closest friends, you guys are my family. I am honored to be a part of such an amazing group.

I’m not going to tag all of you because half of you aren’t on Tumblr too much anymore (not that I blame you), but know that I absolutely love you guys. Thank you for everything. <3

THE VANGUARD’S FINEST

These are the people I talk to/interact with the most, those who have become dear friends to me and who I love with all my heart.

@shadowhunting-wolf: Dakota!! My IRL best friend, my sister, my DUDE. Words can’t describe how absolutely proud I am of you. You’ve gone on to follow your dream, your calling, regardless of who says what. Even when you have doubts about yourself, you’ve never given up. You are a beautiful, creative, and astounding person who I’m honored to call my best friend. I love you bro <3

@unfriiended Wyatt! I honestly owe the success of my blog to you. Because of your immediate acceptance and welcome of me, others saw me and welcomed me as well, and suddenly, I had a new group of friends that had become invaluable to me--very much including you. You are such a positive force on my dash, the image of staying kind, even if the rest of the world around you is not. That speaks volumes about your personal integrity, and I am absolutely honored to be friends with someone as creative and talented and overall amazing as you are. Make sure to take care of yourself <3

@fakedself: Toki! Holy shit where do I even begin with you? Your writing’s gorgeous and fluid, your art is lovely (especially the coloring, fuck i love your coloring???), your characterization is absolutely top-notch, your passion for Jared is admirable--there’s just too much to talk about! OOC, however, you are simply amazing. You are such a fun and friendly individual to interact with, and are always willing to hear me out on whatever ideas I may have for our muses (whether they’re adorable, painful, or both if we’re lucky). Thanks for that, by the way--I know I can get long-winded, so thank you for being so patient with me. And when it came to personal shit, you were endlessly supportive, and it means to much to me. I fucking love you man <3

@greenxnova / @mysteryisms: Connor! One of the most adorable, kindest kids that I know! I love your writing, your art, your ideas--everything! You’re an absolute joy to talk to, whether it’s plotting or screaming about current interactions or just talking nonsense, I always love whenever we talk. Your creativity is amazing, and I love seeing what else you’ll do with your characters, and the interactions they have with others. I know sometimes you may doubt yourself, but never forget that you are such a talented person--and remember that you can only grow from where you are with practice <3

@h-eadphxnes: Cece! Ohhhh my god, where to begin, because there is so much that I can say about you?? You’re such a sweetheart to everyone you meet, you’re easygoing with a great sense of humor, you’re insanely creative, honestly you’re an inspiration! You have such interesting characterization and execution of said characterization, and your prose writing is something I always look forward to seeing. I am honored to know someone like you <3

@setsfire: Eli! I’ve followed you since this blog’s conception, and you have been nothing short of sweet and courteous to me, even when we weren’t mutuals (I have seen people been less than kind to their non-mutual followers). Your passion for Rich is incredibly admirable, and it’s always a joy to watch you develop him and flesh him out and give him the proper respect he deserves as a character. Your writing is gorgeous and lively, and it complements your characterization of Rich beautifully. I hope we can interact more soon <3

@totallyboss: Ky! You know I think it’s pretty fucking hilarious how we met over a game of CAH, and we’ve been friends ever since! Listen Ky, your writing is flowing and descriptive and bursting with character, your passion for Jake is infectious, your art is simply beautiful! And OOC, you are welcoming and excited and an absolute joy to talk to and plot with. I love talking to you, whether about characters or shows or art or whatever we happen to speak about. I always look forward to every conversation we have. Keep doing you <3

@snowlost / @vintageloved: Richie! Holy fuck dude I love you. Seeing you on my dashmakes my day a little bit brighter. I adore your characterization of whatever muse you have, and I always look forward to interacting with you. You are so sweet and fun and creative and are just so pleasant to speak with. You are precious and adorable and so talented, especially with your graphics! Thanks for staying with me for so long, it means so much to me, you are such a wonderful friend <3

@pitifulbefore: Lune! Like Eli, you have been nothing short of kind and courteous to me when we were non-mutuals, and nothing about that has changed since we became mutuals. Your passion for Jeremy is so admirable, and it’s always a pleasure to see you so excited over him. Your writing is fluid and personalized, capturing every tic and every motion expertly. -hugs- I know things haven’t been going well for you lately, so I’m sending out my love to you. You are a strong, brave person, and I believe in you <3

@plcyerone / @sawcoming: Minnie! Again, even when we weren’t mutuals, you were so kind and accepting of me. You treated me like a friend, and were so warm and open that I felt immediately comfortable around you. Your writing is beautiful, your characterization lively, your voice-acting really nice! And your edits, god, your talent for editing is simply fantastic! You are so kind,and I simply adore you <3

@irnwrk / @3amhigh: Bane! I really have to thank you--I had never really tried to interact with a blog I wasn’t mutuals with, but you were so polite in answering my questions and reassuring me. It meant so much to me. God, you are so creative and passionate with each muse that you make. Your writing is nothing short of captivating, and I look forward to reading each reply of yours. Thank you for being so accepting and kind; we need more people like you in the world <3

@wisheddead: Lex! Can I just mention how incredibly strong and brave you are? Even when faced with backlash and internal struggles, you still log on, still spread love and positivity to your friends. That is incredibly admirable, and you should be so proud. I love your take on Michael, how you portray his struggles, his flaws, his strengths. You are an absolute sweetheart and I love talking with you <3

@missingkxd: Hannah! The moment I posted that thing about wanting ships, it was all down hill from there. We are way too deep into this hell and I am loving it. There’s something so special about your writing that I can’t quite place--I think it’s just how much character is shown in your narration. It is nothing short of excellent. I adore plotting with you, and I always look forward to reading a reply of yours because I’m always captivated by what you write. You are an open and honest person, one who is so kind and considerate and so very, very strong. I love you so much <3

@outofthelight: Callie! Truly one of the sweetest people I know, someone with plenty of creative ideas and excellent characterization. Seriously, I cannot get over how much you nail Evan’s character, and how your writing style reflects that. You are such an articulate and well-spoken person; talking with you is a joy. You are always there to give me support when I need it, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that. You are absolutely wonderful, don’t forget that <3

@kibouzuru: Melody! My dude! You and I have been following each other for--fuck, for years now! We instantly clicked when I had my Komaru, and we’ve been friends ever since. You have been nothing short of kind and friendly and fun to me, whether it’s planning out angst or ships, huge fight scenes, or indulging ourselves in some self-insert writing. You are one of my dearest friends and I am so lucky to have met and continue to know you <3

@titanslayer: Nat! Holy fuck are you amazing. You try your absolute damnedest to make sure everyone else is happy and knows they’re loved, and you have enough sense to know when you yourself need time to recharge. You have an excellent grasp on the technicalities of writing, being able to go from serious writing to GARLIC KNOTS in an instant.I have seen few people with the passion for your muse that you do, and you have earned my respect for that (and, in turn, gave me more respect for Jason). Take care of yourself Gramma <3

@childrenofeney: Sol! God, where do I begin with you? No matter where I go, you follow, and you are so endlessly supportive and fun and cheerful and creative. It means so, so much to me that you care so much about me and my twins that you’ve stuck with me for nearly, what, four years? You are one of my dearest friends, and I wish you nothing but the best <3

@humcne​ / @lvnarloser​: Dromio! To think just how fast we became friends because you sent in a meme that broke Laine on a whim. We clicked immediately, and started throwing out plots to one another and getting so excited over our kids! You are so sweet and compassionate, and we even had fun venting with one another. I love your passion for all your characters, and your writing is a joy to read. I certainly hope we continue to interact <3

@charmingxsolace / @sora12212: Sora! I don’t even know if you’re going to see this--I don’t know how often you lurk Tumblr anymore--but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention you. You have supported me for years, always willing to lend an ear when I needed it and give me some love when I was down. I love and appreciate you and everything you do, whether it’s writing, drawing, or screaming. I really hope you see this, because you deserve to know what a lovely, unique individual you are <3

MODEL SOLDIERS

Those who I haven’t talked to as much and/or admire from afar, but would very much like to interact with!

@oftextmessages | @positronicminds | @heereyo | @lifeisaboat | @livedyears | @circusdcll | @selftrue | @fuckiingclown | @derrybcrn | @diiagnose | @dumbandantisocicl | @saitamagc / @varicnce | @purestcounselor | @eidetic187 | @shesnctafraid | @starcoveredcuffs | @nightsmaren | @stxgedork | @mindlcssvandalism | @runawaywish | @whipon | @grcysleuth | @truthbcund | @goldenpontifexmaximus / @likemymcther | @bittenvigilante | @theyrose | @ecstasyofblood​ | @cosmcther​ | @pigmeats | @fcrfcrever

And, of course...

SIGNIFICANT ANNOYANCE

@hopeprevaiils/@nepvudum

Hi Som ily

No, but really... I have to have a separate section for my significant other, Somari. I would absolutely not be the person I am today without them. In the months leading up to our relationship, they became one of my closest friends. We vented to each other, we gushed with each other, we stayed up until 4 AM on multiple occasions discussing headcanons for our muses. Our relationship went off to a bit of a rocky start, with the aforementioned emotional manipulator doing, well, what they do best, but we did not waver. Because of them, I’ve begun a recovery process--years of self-deprecation and self-hatred have finally begun to leave me. Because of Somari, I’ve actually begun to build a basis of self-confidence. I’ve begun to look at the things I’ve made and say, “Hey, this is actually alright.” Because of them, I’m starting to see myself as someone who is worth something.

Because of them, I’ve begun to love myself.

I love you so, so much Somari. You are a gift to my life, and I hope our future is bright. And even if it isn’t, you know we’ll fight like hell to create some light ourselves.

Thank you to everyone for sticking with me, supporting me, writing with me, and being dear friends to me.

Here’s to even better times in the future!

--Sakra

[ookamitsu]

50 more interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by @acrispyapple​ this was very long 

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? really spicy food, tho recently i’ve been getting better at handling spices. Also food that has cauliflower or cilantro

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? I’d love it if my fish tanks could magically clean themselves and feed the fish, that’d be great

3. Have you got any useless talents? is not being affected by the caffeine in coffee a talent? 

4. If you were really really good at one thing, what would it be? Probably drawing. I have soo many ideas but hardly any artistic talent lol. 

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking gdragon and top from bigbang

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? I wasn’t allowed to go outside really when I was younger so all I did was read books, watch tv, rewatch disney movies and harry potter movies over and over. 

7. What is something you’re proud of? eh, I don’t think i’ve done anything worth being proud about yet...ask me again when I have a career

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? I hate when people don’t have proper manners, it’s so annoying. 

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? oh a follower for sure. I am but a humble, shy sheep~ leading requires effort lol and it just isn’t interesting for me. Although, if i’m forced into a leadership position I’ll do well, it’s just that I do want to do it. 

10. What kind of student are/were you? a pretty good kiddo. Never gto into trouble, and besides my ap physics grade back in junior year I never had low grades. Had to stay in tip top shape academically in order to get anything I wanted and not be disowned by my mom lol. 

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? eh I don’t really think so but maybe

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion SPIDERS, they’re the devil’s animal haha. so that and most most insects ughhh 

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? hmmm...maybe the mc from kiss him, not me? She’s into weeb shit, I’m into weeb shit. She likes yaoi, I like yaoi lol but she is way more into it than I will ever be. Also she’s surrounded by hot guys, which I am not and that is the ultimate tragedy. 

kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? I’m still underage so i dunno. Ask me again in January when my bff turns 21, I’ll let you know. At parties I’m super awkward so I’ll either just stand around looking really awkward or follow my friends around. 

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? it’ll take a loooong while. I don’t trust guys (or most people). you can’t unlock my tragic backstory that easily if  you date me. 

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? one. I love having close bonds with people because then I won’t feel lonely. Also who needs that many friends. 

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? I like to have things clean for the most part. Though I might get really lazy and just throw things down and not put them away for a few hours lol. Also my desk can get pretty messy sometimes and becomes a sort of organized chaos, but I’ll always fix it anyway since the mess will eventually bother me. 

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy. Somewhere where the weather isn’t terribly hot or cold in their respective seasons and is overcast  most of the time. Or Loches, France. I freaking love that place it’s really nice.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? I’d love to have kids, at least 3. 

20. What was your favorite book as a child? I used to read the goosebumps and fear street series a lot. Also harry potter, a series of unfortunate events and the chronicles of narnia (Though fo some reason I couldn’t remember the books in that series at all but luckily @acrispyapple​ told me to reread it and now I have renewed love for it) 

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about yeah fidget spinners are pretty dumb and I see them wherever I go. 

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated learning how to type properly? I think a lot of people barely know how to type and it upsets me to no end. I hate when people finger peck at the keys, they’re so slow.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? hmm, maybe natsume takashi from natsume yuujinchou. Mostly becuase I really like him. Also being attached to him means I can cuddle nyanko-senesei. Or Nikkari Aoe from touken ranbu because I love him too. 

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? travel all over! 

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? I don’t like confrontation so I keep my mouth shut usually. 

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? hmm, not sure

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? *war flashbacks of being emo*

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? I admire people who can speak their minds without fear, of course they also have to have tact. Also the kind of people who are so good at leading that you’ll naturally want to follow them.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) people like to give me things with cats bc cat’s are God’s greatest gift to humanity. I appreciate money just a little more though lol. 

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? Yup. English, French, and Japanese. I really want to learn Korean, German and Spanish but I usually spend half of my free time on continuing japanese studies so we’ll see. 

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? Neither. I like the suburbs. Either that or smaller cities at least. 

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? sarada uchiha. When I first saw her at the end of naruto i kinda automaically hated her because I hate sakura. But ever since gaiden and the boruto movie I saw her personality and realized that I lover her haha. So whenever I see her in a boruto ep I’m pretty happy. 

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? nope, I get so uncomfortable. I’m happy enough to not be noticed. 

34. Favorite holiday? Christmas! I’m so obnoxious about it haha. I love singing Christmas songs and I’ll gladly sing along to the Christmas music that plays in stores and stuff. 

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? a bit of both. For the most part I’m go with the flow but for most important things that happens outside of home life having some kind of plan is logical and for the best .

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) the dragon age series and mass effect series. 

37. What hobbies do you have? reading, running this crap blog, doodling, studying, video games

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? the ability to make things clean themselves. 

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you I’m super lazy! I give off the impression that i would never ever be lazy which is just a lie lmao. That doesn’t mean I won’t do the work that I have to do. One can’t be remiss about those things you know, you’ll set yourself up for failure that way. I just hate wasting energy  

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out  I can’t work @cyniccat​‘s sewing machine properly for the life of me.

41. Worst injury you’ve had? I accidentally ripped the skin off of one of my toes with a door. 

42. Any morbid fascinations? idk

43. Describe your sense of humor eh idk, I like sarcasm since I have such rapier wit. I also love really lame jokes lol. but I usually find most things 

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? well I wouldn’t want to live in another era because they weren’t such fun times for poc’s. But If I could live in another place, I’d rather live in either Canada or France. Maybe Japan. 

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at I can’t summarize that well without rambling. 

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through school. Even though it made my cry and my workload stressed me out I met my best friends there and more importantly I got an education. 

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) I don’t want a tattoo ever, so the ugly one but like what’s so offensive about it??

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? for a pessimist i’m pretty optimistic 

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? “you fight good”. uh i’m not sure. I don’t take compliments well so even if it was the most flattering thing I probably wouldn’t believe whoever said it and just awkwardly laugh and say thanks. 

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you hmm people who don’t know me think I like talking irl. I’m more of a listener. 

i’m only tagging two people bc I like to see them suffer with me but this is open to anyone who wants to do it

@krazy19kat @dicksoutforzarkon

[facesofopioids-blog]

This Post can be shared!!!!!!!

Spotlight Sunday Story!!!

By: Deborah Sutton Caskey

"New Normal"

My name is Debbie Sutton and I lost my 36 year old daughter on 7/18/2017 to an overdose. I actually think of it as a fentanyl poisoning since I know she thought it was heroin. She was scared of heroin laced with fentanyl but when she needed a fix her craving made her take the chance. She suffered from Substance Use Disorder. I don't like the word addict because of the stigma behind it. She and millions of others, have a disease. They're not morally defective or criminals. They need appropriate, evidence based treatment. This is Jessica's story, because she's no longer here to tell it so I tell it, and the effect it's had on me and others that loved her.

Jessica has an older sister and she was the baby of our family. She was mischievous with a twinkle in her blue eyes, smart, brightened up a room when she walked into it and had an exuberant joy of life.Her troubles began at 6 when she was molested by a close family member and though she went to multiple counselors throughout her childhood and adult life, she stuffed it inside and wouldn't open up about it. She learned how to put a happy mask on at a very early age so she had PTSD throughout her life. She lived with the pain and when she became an adult she learned how to numb that pain.

I come from a family of alcoholics. My father struggled with it throughout my childhood, my mother's family also dealt with it, I've been in remission from it for years, my children have 3 out of 4 grandparents along with both biological parents with alcoholism. I believe SUD is caused by many different factors and is a very complex disease. There are no easy answers and no easy solutions. No one size fits all.What was the cause of Jessica's disorder? I believe all of the above.

Jessie was not defined by her disease, she was so much more. She had a generous heart, boundless energy, and was beautiful. One winter when she was homeless, living on the streets of Baltimore city, she gave her winter coat to a woman who was sick and went without a coat herself. She was the friend who could listen to others with compassion. she had so much to offer this world.Jessica was very popular in school but by the seventh grade was beginning to show signs of low self esteem. By high school she didn't want to participate in any competitive activity, afraid she would lose.She began to complain about being too stupid to be able to do school work. The times when she did seem to have confidence and find some peace were when she was in the woods or in the company of animals. After graduation she found the great ego booster, crack. This was when her life began to descend into the darkness of addiction. She was offered many great opportunities but lacked the confidence to risk failure. Drugs slowly seemed to be the only way she could turn off the inner pain and feel good. Jessie found heroin at the age of 23 and it stripped her of her morals, her soul and, 14 years later, her life. There were many periods during these years when she sought help and was in remission for 4 months, 6 months, a year. She would pull herself out of the hole and work harder at it than anyone I've ever known but her ability to make good choices and decisions was declining due to the damage that opioids were causing in her brain. And her health was worsening with use, first Hep C and then HIV. Just when I would think she had hit bottom something even worse would happen. And with each punch her feeling of worthlessness grew and grew.

I will never forget 7/18/2017 in the afternoon when a police officer came to our house to tell me that my beautiful baby was dead from an overdose and was found in an alley in Baltimore city. Prior to that she was living in a small town in the countryside outside of the city. I didn't believe him. She had been working 50-60 hours a week, renting a house in the country with a girlfriend, dating a nice guy, paying her bills. I had even seen her 4 days before when i had brought her home from work and she looked good. But she was distant and I talked myself out of believing that feeling in my gut that I would get whenever she was going to relapse. No, this would finally be the time that heroin would no longer have power over her life. But eventually I had to accept that she returned to the city and died with her first purchase of a "bad batch" laced with fentanyl. My mantra throughout the years had always been where there's life there's hope.But now both her life and the hope were dead. And all i could do was moan and scream to God that I couldn't do my life without Jessica in it and beat on my husband's chest for bringing me such horrid news.

It's been 9 months without her now. I'm able to go to the grocery store without running back to the car in a meltdown because I saw one of her favorite foods. I'm able to stand on a mountain and enjoy the wonderful view without shaking my fist at the Heavens because she's not by my side sharing the beauty with me. I'm able to smile and laugh at times without feeling guilty. But I'm not the same person that I was. I'm broken, hopefully time will eventually put some of my pieces back together but there will always be those pieces of my heart that will stay broken for the rest of my life. Until one day when I'll be with my baby again. I believe I will be reunited with her because if I didn't believe, I would die from my broken heart. I have a new normal now. My normal is crying everyday, sometimes for a moment, sometimes all day and sometimes feeling a gut punching kind of physical pain from missing her in my life. My new normal is pushing aside guilt feelings that I didn't do enough or did too much and didn't save her even though I know I did everything I could and I didn't have the power to save her. My new normal is trying to remember whether I told her" I love you" on that last day that I spent with her. And the part of my new normal that is saving my sanity is feeling driven on a mission fueled by my grief to help keep other mother's from feeling this kind of excruciating loss or to be there for them if they do lose a child to let them know they're not alone. We are warrior moms. We are in a club that we never wanted to join yet have found comfort in. We are living through a parent's worst nightmare but in our sorrow we have boundless determination to work toward ending this epidemic that is crippling and killing so many who had so much to offer this world.