#and this literally sounds horrible but it wasn't affecting me much??

[bougainvilea]

tw suicide mention & also cancer mention in the tags

[violet-moonstone]

highlights from "searching for oswald...and chicken"

wow I loved this episode...I feel like I say that every time but I REALLY REALLY enjoyed this one

first of all its a Dagur episode, which automatically makes it great...most of the screenshots I took are of him. Honestly all of his dialogue is very quotable, especially since so many of the jokes they give him are thinly veiled adult humour

also the B plot with chicken was certainly something (and makes me think the writers were thinking about the end of the hidden world while writing it?)

ok so the beginning of the episode was already tugging at my heartstrings. I love seeing Dagur and Heather's sibling relationship, whether hey're arguing or getting along.

Well that's deeply upsetting! and the fact that he said "most of his life" makes me wonder how much of the confidence Dagur displayed as a teenager was a cover for whatever he was dealing with internally.

The part where Dagur hugs Heather and she looks happy but almost surprised was very bittersweet. It seems like she's still getting used to having a family, and affection catches her off guard.

Excuse me while I go cry

Call me deranged but I think Dagur slamming Snotlout against a cage was hot

As always, Hiccup is adorable. Literally looks like a cat

This is funny but also very upsetting! Snotlout and Dagur really make a habit of using humourous line delivery to cope with being deeply unwell:

*clears throat* uh yeah Dagur, I'm sure you do love a good "fruit bath," from time to time if you know what I mean...

Come on, the writers, animators and voice actor HAVE to have known that line came across as suggestive. Like the way he sounds? His facial expression? They may not have intended it to specifically imply he was talking about getting in a sauna with some twinks, but it certainly sounded like something sensual was going on.

Also I didn't get a shot of this but when Dagur starts listing adjectives to describe Heather's reckless behaviour, Hiccup says "Sentinel" while looking at Oswald's journal. Dagur says something like "that's not quite the word I'd use," which makes me think Dagur was going to call her a not so PG word...

Snotlout staring directly at the camera while narrating Tuffnut's emotional breakdown in the style of a pun-loving mystery novelist:

What an asshole (I love him). there's something really funny about Tuff leaning against the tree with a hand on his hip. Poor guy. Astrid and Stormfly were clearly less amused than I was.

Ok let's talk about Hiccup motivating Dagur to open the door to Oswald's shelter. My little Dagcup heart was really soaring here. And look at the lighting!

LOOK AT HIM! LOOK AT HIS FACE!

Oooohh man, Dagur expressing guilt about his past and Hiccup trying to help him through it also really got to me.

Dagur: I was a villain!

Hiccup: No, you were a kid

Me: *crying*

Because yeah, Dagur in Riders of Berk/Defenders of Berk did horrible things, but he was also enabled by all the adults in his life who could have stepped up after Oswald left. I've already written (both in posts and in one of my Dagcup fics) about how being thrown into a dungeon as a kid only made Dagur a worse person (no one in the show talks about the scars on his face that weren't there before...). And There is clearly an opportunity for restorative justice when it comes to characters like Alvin and Eret that wasn't extended to Dagur despite the fact that they had already overpowered him and could have at least given him a choice between punishment and trying to make up for his actions. Anyway...let me not rant about that anymore.

Ok what's next...oh yeah! Astrid doing this:

Hilarious.

Um...ok so...I needed to screenshot this for uh...reasons. It's the um...the composition and the...the lighting and...yeah. All that stuff.

THE DRAWING OSWALD DID OF DAGUR AND HEATHER AS KIDS

oooooohhh my heart!

Look. At. My. Boy. He looks so happy and at peace after reading his father's letter.

Ok so again...the writers making very interesting decisions for Dagur's lines.

Dagur being funny and a little concerning again

I liked the colour scheme for this Gronckle

More Dagur appreciation.

Before the episode where Fishlegs helps Dagur fly Shattermaster, I would have assumed Dagur would make fun of Fishlegs for being a nerd -- but instead he appreciates it. I think their friendship is super adorable, and I wish we got to see more of it.

Fishie! He calls him Fishie! (I ship them a little sometimes tbh) I can see Dagur having a thing for nerds.

hehehe

and uh, let's close off with hiccup being hot and windswept

[fearful-quartet]

So I've been listening to The Magnus Protocol, and managed to get my dad into TMA last year so he's now listening to Mag Protocol too. So last night we were listening in the car to the latest statement, and I was half-jokingly saying which fear the statement sounded like mostly, to which my dad starts talking about how he doesn't think these statements and the O.A.I.R are connected to the Fears at all. I'm gonna try to put a cut for anyone not caught up but here's how this led to a theory of mine:

So Lena said to Gwen that there's good and bad forces that need to be balanced, but she never said which side of that the O.A.I.R. is part of, if any. I was noting this when it hit me.

Every single Magnus Protocol Statement so far has been about misfortune coming around due to perceived fortune or a fortunate opportunity becoming misfortune.

Let's break this down ep by ep so you see what I mean.

Episode One: It's a little hard to figure out what the fortune is to the misfortune, especially since it's mostly getting us used to the characters and the overall setup of the show, but for the first statement I think it's not the statement giver, but the husband. Harriet (the one emailing) says he sounded excited in an unsettling way (I am assuming the "he" she is talking about is her husband since she doesn't mention anyone else). When she meets him, or what has him, she describes that he laughed and laughed. Her misfortune was his fortune, his joy.

The second statement in that episode of course is about the Institute, but by way of a bunch of spelunkers looking for something intriguing to discuss. I haven't quite figured out the connection here but I am sure there is one, even if it's through the characters (aka Sam) finding something within it.

Two: A lot easier to connect to this. Daria is finding joy through getting this tattoo that allows her to change how she looks and alter her appearance immensely (and grotesquely). Enough said.

Three: This statement is one that overall I just don't understand tbh, but I think it shows the opposite? As in the victim is experiencing fear and discomfort the entire time, but towards the end you'll notice he gets much more happy and calm about the situation.

Four: This is again easy, it's about a violin that needs blood but will give you amazing talent if you pay that price, and horrible bloodshed if you don't. Self-explanatory.

Five: The guy is trying to make a living off watching and reviewing horror movies, gets excited at a live showing of one just for him, then realizes it's not what it seems and posts everyone should see it. Easy enough. (Very Grifter's Bone in energy)

Six: The introduction to infamous new tumblr sexyman, Needles. I shouldn't have to spell out how he gets pleasure from others in pain by needles.

Seven: All I gotta say is it's "all for a good cause" and you should get the picture.

Eight: Utilizes that uncanny fear of false hospitality if you ask me, but either way this statement is clearly taking something associated often as comforting and twisting it.

Nine: The dice literally affect fortune and misfortune and likely make the statement giver into the embodiment of fortune. 'Nuff said.

Ten: Bonzo needs no explanation for this in his introductory episode so let's move on.

Eleven: This one goes more into obsession territory than anything, which is another running theme of the show and another theory, but it also talks about how the sea brings comfort so that could be part of it. (Also I noticed the sneaky possibly Dr. David reference in there lol)

Twelve: Now I know what you're gonna say, "How is this one connected to fortune at all, Cal? It's about some woman being traumatized at a strip club!" Well think about this: what if it wasn't supposed to end in Bonzo? Gwen gave Bonzo an "assignment," didn't she? And Lena pretty much outright says that this statement was that assignment. So it's possible this is what happened after stopping the initial outcome.

Thirteen: The latest episode as of typing this, and the most clear with evidence. The man literally gains a fortune from his own misfortune, so ya know it's right there.

So every statement is a good thing turned bad or a bad thing turned good. So what? Magnus Archives had plenty of statements similarly framed, so why am I focusing on it here?

Because what is the tagline for Magnus Protocol again?

Fear takes many forms.

[surplus-of-sarcasm]

#32

TW: Knives, references to violence, restraints, bruises/wounds, flirty? 

I am literally sauurrr sorry for being so inactive but college is destroying me. It's been so long since I've written too, so I do hope the quality of this piece isn't affected. Missed u guys 💙

"Do I scare you?" the hero asked, her voice devoid of any emotion, all while her eyes stared straight through the villain like he was transparent, searching for something in his expression. 

Except his face remained defiantly blank, looking up at her, fire in his honey brown eyes, surprisingly not sparing any effort to attempt escaping his restraints. 

When the hero stuck one of her nails into a small, open cut on his neck, the villain bit back a wince, an irritated frown tugging at the corner of his lip. "Yes," he supplied, his tone even and calm, not even hostile, trying to render himself as passive as possible. 

Except he'd licked his lip in that quick, almost imperceptible manner, something he only ever did when he lied, something the hero wasn't supposed to know. 

But she did. 

"Stop lying," she snarled, sticking her nail again in the cut.

"The hell do you want, Hero?" he snapped, hissing as her finger left his cut. 

The breaking point. The point where the villain was done placating and playing along and already back to his normal, wild state, where he could care less about whatever earned the hero's ire. 

She'd spent the last three hours mostly in silence, only ever talking to ask the villain a question she knew would irritate him. He held up surprisingly well, even though his self-preservation instincts were usually nowhere to be found. So she wondered why he'd act so placidly in the beginning.

The villain liked to talk. He did most of the talking during their fights. The quiet drove him insane, and now he had his teeth bared like an animal, murder in his eyes and tension in his jaw.

This was the part where the hero should've laughed or slapped him across the face, or done anything just as cruel.

The truth was that they'd both been nothing but cruel to each other, enemies by virtue. The villain had beat the hero black and blue, had called her a myriad of flithy names, had screamed at her because of how much he hated that she was quiet. In turn, the hero made sure that every nick with a knife and every punch against skin had left a mark on the villain. She fought to scar, not just to incapacitate. She knew the scars were more a wound to his ego than his body, proof she'd hurt him.

And yet, the villain had pulled her out of a ditch and bandaged up her nearly destroyed leg, effectively saving her life when he had no business being there. In turn, she'd pulled him up when he almost slipped off a roof during one of their fights. 

And situations like that would only keep happening more and more often, almost a staple of their atypical relationship. The villain would laugh, would crack a joke, would be so careful with her wounds, would be anything but his usual abrasive self. 

And the very next fight, they would be even more horrible to each other, as though whatever had happened the day before had never been, as though cruelty was the only language they could speak. 

The hero didn't have friends. They were another luxury she couldn't afford. Her teammates weren't actively cruel or anything of the like, but the agency left no room for any semblance of friendship or love or all the things the hero wanted but could never really have. And the villain wasn't her friend. He wasn't supposed to be anyone. But he was genuine, almost the only person in her life who didn't sound and act like a robot. He'd had actual conversations with the hero. And maybe she was not stupid enough to think that made him any good, but maybe she was stupid enough to think that made him mean something to her.

"Answer me, Hero," he snarled coldly, tearing her chain of thought in half. 

The hero didn't consider spending any time on thinking of an intelligible response. People weren't logical when they were desperate.  Desperate was the hero's hand cupping the villain's jaw so gently that the shiver up his spine was still awfully intense, even with his numb body. Desperate was staring into the villain's eyes, watching the way his lashes fluttered, as his eyes told a completely different story from the harsh frown on his lips. Desperate was the hero's lips on his cheekbone, warm against his skin, shy, terrified, staying there for a fleeting moment that still felt like too long and retracting away with shame written all over her features. 

"I'm sorry."

Villain's eyes had widened, even though it seemed impossible they could grow any bigger. "I- come closer again," he half-whispered, all the roughness from his voice gone. "Lean down a little." 

And the hero obliged, even though it went against every single thing she'd been taught, and in turn the villain's lips were pressed to her jaw, careful but in no way timid. They weren't supposed to be velvet-soft, and hints of the villain's spicy cologne shouldn't have still managed to be distinguishable through the blood and the sweat. But of course the seemingly impossible was happening. 

"Yes," he answered, "you do scare me, but not in the way that you asked, so I was lying," he continued against the hero's jaw.

And she hated how palpable the relief was when he hadn't licked his lips. 

"This is how you actually kiss someone." The smirk on the villain's face may have been merciless as he pulled away, but it was clear he was trying to break the tension that they could have sliced through with a blade. 

God, the hero could barely breathe. She never knew something that felt almost forbidden could feel so right. She was scared the villain's response had been a trick and more scared that it hadn't. She wanted to scream at him and slam her fists into his body, to split his rose-petal-like lips with a jagged streak of crimson. But more than anything, she wanted him close enough to her that they were breathing each other's air, she wanted to kiss his face again, properly this time, so that it truly felt like something, something that set the hero's nerves on fire.

The hero had pulled out her twin knives, cutting through his ropes with one, while the other remained pressed against his carotid artery, as he still remained sitting on the chair. 

Except the villain had pulled the knife out of her hand, slightly scratching himself, and he got up, twirling the knife with his hand and pressing its cold, flat edge to the hero's jaw, his breath warm on her face. "Don't fight it. That's all you've done, all I've done, and I'm sick of it." 

And in all honesty, so was she. Sick of having no one, sick of wanting someone who was right there and yet so far away, sick of pushing a knife into the skin of the same boy who had bandaged her bleeding knuckles and made fun of the stupid kids' designs etched on them, the only thing he had, the next day after it happened.

The hero nodded, slowly putting her knives away when the villain handed her the other blade back, slinging an arm around the villain's waist, surprisingly small for someone so athletically built, but not any less attractive. 

"Let's go home. I mean, my place," the villain suggested, utterly exhausted, but a hint of a smile was still there in his words as he wrapped his arm around the hero's shoulder, his fingers gripping onto the fabric of her suit a little playfully. 

And the hero simply nodded, mirroring the villain's own soft smile.

Emotions are hard to understand, no rules or logic existent that could ever explain the power they hold over a person; the power that the heart exercises so ruthlessly over the mind. And yet nearly nothing could ever leave one feeling so certain, so absolutely euphoric to the point that not even the entire world would seem to matter compared to the one person love tethers you to. 

✨️Le Taglist: @larinzz @syberianjade @lateuplight @altu-interactions @enbious-prince @astr0-mj @thelazywitchphotographer @a-fucking-simp-00 @addictedsandwhichaki @justalittlecorrupted @quaggasus @adamswrongchild @vernilliom @mothmancommitsarson @starssabove @kurai-hono-blog @talkingsperm @muffinrebel44 @sunnynwanda @annablogsposts @cardboardarsonist @itsmyworld23 @onlywhump @m3rakii @crotchgoblin69 @wtfevenisausername @pendarling @avloki-pal @kaiwewi @those-damn-snippets @genuinelythioehat-is-whump @ghostofnorth

Wanna be on the taglist? This'll take you there!

[tales-from-syscord]

Prefacing this by saying I'm not a system (well. I'm questioning, but I don't really feel comfortable calling myself that)

So I made friends with this guy at my school, he was cool! He gave me his discord, and we quickly became friends. A few weeks into talking he told me he was a system, I was chill with it (obviously) and I was dating a guy with DID at the time so I had done a lot of research. Nothing really changed, and we continued being really close with only some minor issues that got resolved.

One day, we were talking, and he told me they had split an alter of me. It made me a little uncomfortable, but I pretty much immediately got over it, because it really doesn't affect me at all, I didn't speak to all of the alters in their system anyways, just one or two I was really close with.

A few days later, I found out this alter was using my name. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, none of my buisness, but they specifically chose to use the name me and my boyfriend at the time chose together. It was completely made up by me and my partner at the time. I go by three names at any given time, there were plenty to choose from that could have worked fine. Or something that sounded similar!

I asked if maybe this person could please use a different name, or! If that wasn't possible, just not talk to me (again, this shouldn't have been an issue, I had literally never met this person, or half of their other headmates) and this turned into a huge argument.

They accused me of fakeclaiming them, called me some horrible names, basically just. Lost it on me. I didn't respond to any messages. After a few hours, the alter texted me a long message basically blaming ME for them deciding to go dormant?? And then they signed the message with their (my) name.

Literally guilt tripping me. Calling me a murderer and stuff. We made up and started talking again after this, but these people just did a lot of weird stuff. We don't talk anymore.

Okay, for some of this I can see their point of view, cause introjects aren't source, but then- wtf? You never fake claimed them, and you certainly did not MURDER them. I am so so sorry you had to go through that anon.

[Non-systems are welcome to share their stories as long as they're respectful]

[hetalia-club]

Finally i don't feel alone in thinking the fandom is toxic, because I had to deal with a horrible amount of ableism (for literal disabilities I have and apparently someone thought I was incontinent and basically compared incontinent people to diaperfuckers) and even still I have to hide behind anon due to the fact the fandom also has a problem with stalking too, since i have been stalked by people who made private accounts around me and screenshotting everything I said to the point I had to actually talk to someone from the Trevor Project because I genuinely did not feel safe

apologies for the rambling, this fandom isn't normal about disabled people

Honey I'm so sorry :(. Yes people are mean and something about this fandom normalizes it. Idk what it is exactly. People say it's 'always been this way' and while that's true it HAS gotten WORSE. mainly because the fandom is smaller and the assholes just sort of all form a cult together and thrive off each others negativity. They say the people with the worse opinions are the loudest and that couldn't be more true within this fandom.

Also the ability to go fully anonymous on this sight is both a blessing and a plague. I do feel that there SHOULD be a way to find out who the anon was. I myself have been consistently harassed by a Spain kin for almost 5 years. It used to really get to me and it doesn't anymore. I truly just no longer give a shit. I went on Hiatus for 2 years and they CAME BACK! Like they were waiting in the shadows and like a bond vilian just turned in their chair and were like "well well well...". It's just kind of funny if you think about it I live rent free in their dome and they don't even know me. An I can't block them because they are always on anon. So I just delete it and carry on with my life. Last year my therapist diagnosed me with Avoidant Personality Disorder and it answered a lot of questions I've always had about myself. Which means I am an extremely shy person chronically so. I take things to heart even if I shouldn't. I feel things very deeply for myself and for other people and animals. My therapist taught me some tools to try and help me deal and I got an increase in my meds. One of those was to not watch the news or actively sought out negative events because those destroy me. I just can't take it. It's a huge trigger for me and I wish it wasn't I don't like the idea that I make it about me' in some way. It doesn't really do much but it numbs me a bit and makes me care less. It still affects me sure but I feel too unbothered to care. My AI covers have been a HUGE stress relief for me and a good distraction from my feelings. But again it's just a distraction. They are little boosts of serotonin to make and it makes me happy and it makes me even happier when someone enjoys it.

The reason I tell you this is to help you understand that no one really gives a shit. That sounds harsh but please let me elaborate on that. I mean I have straight told people "I am legit too shy to function and I do not like to talk about certain things because it gives me major embarrassment that can last actual days. Can we find a new topic or maybe pivot." but they don't actually listen to me about it. And I understand that it's hard to remember everyone's little quirks but to constantly have to remind people and for them to just "Oh yeah sorry... anyway like I was saying" really stings. Because of my disorder you can imagine I have an extremely hard time speaking my mind and standing up for myself. I want everyone to like me I don't want anyone to dislike me to a fault. I will ignore my own feelings and emotions to let others speak about what makes them happy even if sometimes it does sting. So I actually very much do know exactly where you are coming from with that. Just please remember that these are strangers online. Yes they can say hurtful things but the second you close teh app they disappear. They don't actually matter. And YES I am fully aware that this is easier said than done please believe me on that.

This fandom does have a serious issue with ignoring and disrespecting others disabilities. Especially some that are not really heard about/normalized much like yours or mine. I 100% know everyone thinks I'm lying about my personality disorder being a real thing If they don't want to understand me I can't make them, which sucks but I have no control over that. I wish it were not that way but we can't change other people and the way they think/ act but we can work on ourselves and how we process harassment. I wish you luck anon, you're never alone on this bitch of an earth, love you <3

[tuatism]

just posted something similar on main but i think i can explain better when i connect it to klaus so to my tua blog this thought goes.

bug like an angel (mitski) is so four "klaus" hargreeves coded

klaus is a lonely character. this is something that's true throughout all the seasons, and we can see how in each season he finds a new replacement for personal connections or worse; a replacement for the love he had lost with dave. in season one he had already been a drug addict (which i will touch on in another point), in season two he seeks solace in his "alternative spiritual community"/cult, and in season three he looks for (familial) love with his father.

going further on season three's replacement, i think that it is by far the most impactful (whilst not being particularly relavent to how he relates to the song, but i want to talk about it whilst i'm thinking of it). klaus looked for familial love with an alternate version of his father because, in part, i think he saw some of himself in that reginald. he saw someone who was constantly drugged and was treated as a joke by his family and was essentially discarded whenever he wasn't useful. sound familiar? of course, that reginald wasnt actually much like klaus, but it's easy to see how if you're desperate for someone, anyone, to connect to you'd strive hardest to find it in the father who never loved you. the father who's affections you've been starved of your whole life. anyways, moving on

i think the direction i'm taking this one is pretty obvious; dave.

throughout the show there's multiple (sometimes rather subtle) moments where klaus clearly wishes for nothing more than to be with dave again. in a cruel joke from fate, it's discovered that klaus cannot permanently die, which only makes it harder for him. i believe that part of why he has such a difficult time moving on is due to the fact that dave died. obvious point, i know, so let me explain further. with most relationships, they'll end mutually. be it a calm break up, cheating, a fight, family issues, etcetera; most relationships have something that can clearly be defined as an "ending point". klaus and dave never got this, especially since klaus can communicate with the dead. in theory, klaus could talk with dave whenever he wants (at least in season one he could), so it'd be hard to really consider the relationship as being over.

after dave dies (and before the slight time reset) klaus swears to go sober so that he can see dave. he finds during the torture scenes that the only way for him to speak with ghosts is to he sober, but he knows that (in that moment) he wouldn't be able to go through with it unless he's physically restrained. he made the conscious decision to reach out to diego for help, hoping he'd be able to go sober for dave. time is rewound slightly and his meeting with dave and the whole restraint thing is undone, causing klaus to make different decisions regarding his sobriety. he still tries, yes, but in the end he has to have the drugs physically slapped away from him. in season two he is also sober, albeit much more successfully. he, once more, comes horribly close to relapsing to drinking when he goes to the store and buys all manner of alcoholic beverages (although they are all dropped and promptly broken when he arrives at his home).

im choosing to interpret this lyric in the less literal way because i think thats more interesting to interpret with klaus. i've already touched on him seeking love in other forms, so i won't dwell on that, but it may be touched on.

klaus is at rock bottom, in season three we watch him lose basically everything. he lost his one and only love, he lost his cult (although the degree to which he wanted them is debatable), he misplaced his trust, and he lost all hope to see dave again. he knows that there's no use in it, yet he can't help but yearn to be with dave. deep down klaus knows that not only can he not die, but the dave in the new reality may very well be out there somewhere; along with the fact that he will never be klaus's dave no matter how much he wishes. he will never be truly happy again, no matter how much he wishes.

[xehanortsreport]

hmm

yknow, sometimes im like "were my ex friend group really that bad, am i right to be so horribly affected by them" before remembering. they brainwashed me while i was beyond vulnerable into thinking i was irredeemably evil. constantly talked shit about me in hidden servers and on private blogs. expected me to respond to every minor issue ASAP, lied to my face about hating me. i had to monitor their emotions and baby them whenever they wanted and if i didn't they'd blow up.

it was so bad that i constantly had to keep my phone on me, checking for pings or posts or vagues about how horrible i was so i could correct it and not have it blow up. i literally lost my job bc i was checking my phone so often i couldn't keep up. this was on top of the worst of my mother's abuse. i was being strangled, beaten. we had bed bugs so i had to sleep on the living room floor. i had a wooden broom broken over my back. my mother kneeled on my chest while i was pushed face down into the carpet. i couldn't breathe.

my father refused to pay bills. i had to work so hard to keep the lights on. to keep the heat on. i was dead on my feet. they knew this. my so called friends shamed me for needing help. they shamed me for being too depressed. they manipulated me into a cultic mentality. told me i was a rapist in a past life. convinced me i still carried that sin.

told me i was a homewrecker. said i was the devil. called me every name under the sun. tried to turn my friends against me. had the gall to say i traumatized them when i finally stood up for myself and told them to fuck off.

spread lies about me. threatened me.

they even tried to erase my now-partner's identity, claiming their personality wasn't needed and that they could just be a vessel for their ghost boyfriend, who would take over my partner's body and mind. bc that asshole was in love with a fucking anime boy ghost.

it sounds insane! and it was! but we were all depressed and abused and at horrifically low points and they convinced us these things were true. that i was inherently sinful and shameful and needed to repent. that my partner was worthless and just a body to them. that me clocking onto the fact that these people hated me was paranoia and i was just imagining things.

i suffered so, so much then and im still scared i was the one in the wrong. maybe i am evil. maybe i was the villain. maybe i deserved it. maybe.

[msommers]

4, 16, 18 for maeve, meredith and jorina!

ok listen do NOT look @ me for this taking so long i WASN'T absorbed in laying in bed, staring @ the ceiling, constantly thinking thoughts but never writing them down. that's crazy talk. anyway thank u ily <333 // oc asks: childhood edition // placing the read more higher up than usual bc shocking nobody, i don't know how to keep answers short and i wanna save everyone's dashboards from this

4) How was your muse's relationship with their childhood guardians? Has it changed over time, and if so, how? Do they keep in touch?

so check it out. i read this question an entirely different way the first time i saw it and had different answers, doubted them for like 15 minutes straight, then redid it all upon realization. so now here we are

MAEVE — bad! not good!! never improved!!! i wouldn't even call Maeve's parents her guardians in any capacity because they were so horrible at that job. they started lowkey coercing her into developing her charm when she first caught a man's attention for being pretty because they wanted to get stuff out of it, emotionally neglected her the entire time she lived with them, made her feel guilty about the most ridiculous things on a regular basis, literally sold her to Carden the same day he voiced his interest in taking her away, etc etc add a dozen other offenses here. what changed over time would be Maeve having the distance and years to process how they treated her (mother straight up abusive, father on a lower level and mostly through his inaction), accepting it, and working on the struggles/damage they saddled her with. no contact at all, even if i did entertain the age old concept of her discovering where they moved to during her travels with a witcher or two, she wants nothing to do with them.

MEREDITH — so close to both parents, her father maybe a little more so due to extra time together but that didn't lessen the bond between her and her mother. Meredith and Bryce spent a great deal of time together as she was interested in following in his footsteps, and eventually being heir of the teyrnir, which required a ridiculous amount of educating (required is a strong term, but they both agreed it was excellent to have and she loved her lessons) and additional hands-on experience being at his side while he attended his duties. they knew how to make each other laugh, his hugs were her favorite thing in all of Thedas, and she was all but his official right-hand lady by the time origins came around tbh. Sometimes she'll make a snide comment that she knew he would have laughed at and it causes a physical ache how terribly she misses the sound. Eleanor was the one to initiate Meredith's rogue training to further her capability, and that's something she'll always be grateful for. Her mother taught her how to read maps, calculate numbers in a battle, properly host visitors, she was also the one to give her lessons in Alamarri to help preserve the language. They could soothe each other's nerves or irritation simply by being at one another's side, and held entire conversations through glances and expressions alone. Her mother's smile always filled her with warmth and she spends the rest of her life wishing she could see it just one more time.

JORINA — so much love was present, even in the times of trying to figure her out. she and her father were happy in their quiet art activities together, but she shied away from his affection when it became too overwhelming. her mother supported Jorina's fierce independence without question, but couldn't understand the introvert’s need to recharge and on occasion pushed her a little too far outside of her boundaries. they were most likely at the stage of classic moody arguments between a mom and teen before Wenna’s death and Jorina regrets that to no end. Renehn fell into a severe depression after Wenna was gone (plus some other events of the blight but who has the time to list) and it irrevocably altered he and Jorina's relationship as she was forced to step up in her mid-teens to provide for the family, but fortunately they get the time to heal from individual wounds and come together down the line to slowly rebuild their relationship with great patience and new understandings of each other. Jorina finding her own love helped an immeasurable amount with her coming to understand what her father went through because she doesn't know what the fuck she'd do with herself if anything happened to Aleksi. they kept in contact through Jorina's letters sent back home while she worked for the Inquisition (her siblings would read them to him until he was able to do so himself), and through the occasional visit when time was free for it. level of contact after events of trespasser depends on what happened there i guess lmao

16) If your muse could say one thing to their childhood self, what would they say? Would your muse want to meet their childhood self in the first place?

MAEVE — she would jump at the chance to meet her childhood self because the girl desperately needed love and attention that she’d be all too happy to provide, no matter how short their time together would be. trouble is!! this would likely be one of the rare scenarios where she’d struggle to find the right words, because her list of potentials would be so goddamn long she wouldn’t know where to start. she’d likely end up giving her a much-needed hug, a kiss to the top of the head, and telling her smth like “you are stronger than any deterrent that this world may try to put in your path, love. never doubt that.” bc y’know. soft girl gonna soft and not recognize the strength needed to endure all the shit she suffers to reach her happiness lmfao

MEREDITH — “never doubt your instincts. not even for a moment.” it was the doubt that Rendon could be up to anything truly horrible That EveningTM which led to Meredith holding her tongue, perhaps a gentle (or rather: intense as hell, calm down she's just a kid, mere-) nudge could alter that. could change everything, could change absolutely nothing at all, worth the shot tho.

JORINA — she wouldn’t want to meet her childhood self one bit, she'd get so depressed lol. even when she was young, Jorina was always trying to act older than she was and missed out on a lot of the youthful joy and activities she should’ve had because of that. she’d want to tell her to go play with the other kids, put down the chores for a few hours and just have fun, but i don’t think she’d be able to do it. she’d be too upset about the reminder incarnate of how she wasted her happy, full family years batting her mother’s helping hands away and insisting she could handle big girl things on her own.

18) What's one thing that instantly transports your muse back to their childhood? Why?

MAEVE — hearing a child being snapped at in a particular tone (most often by parents in the upper echelons of society) will, sadly, always send her back to being a little girl getting scolded by her mother. she can recognize later in life that she was being chastised for simply acting as an excitable child should, but falling back into those memories brings the shame of "disappointing" and "embarrassing" her mother back to the surface. 

MEREDITH — sometimes chatting with Delilah brings her back to their early teenage years, where they would trade gossip through whispers and giggle as they linked arms before gliding off to find a new source of information, or perhaps a private space to more openly discuss their findings. smth smth prime example of girlhood and she misses that innocent fun, wishes that it hadn't been taken by forces outside of her control. 

JORINA — counting her coin. whether it be checking what's on her person or what she'd been paid for recent scouting work, she'll sometimes flash back to the numerous nights she spent counting and recounting her limited household funds as if some extra money would magically appear and she'd be able to comfortably feed the family for the rest of the week.

[yuukei-yikes]

OKAY YOU'VE UNLEASHED THE BEAST. so like we all know the post str harutaka dynamic is all lovey dovey etc because FINALLY! WE ARE TOGETHER!!!!!!! sort of thing well kanoshin is literally the opposite. in my fucked up head post str kanoshin dynamic at the time this would occur is shintaro after breaking up w/ ayano and ALSO takane is trying to distance themself from him so he's basically like a sopping wet cat in cardboard box on kano's doorstep that kano has also been pining for secretly and unwillingly for like 2 years. so to me kanoshin is basically shintaro: heem heem whimper (super vulnerable doesnt even care if it's gay at this point or if he has feelings for kano he just needs to be held he can think abt all of that later) kano: okayyyy whatever ^w^ (what the hell is going on what i am doing why is shintaro in my arms where am i) and that repeats 100 times in post shinaya breakup divorce. mix in shintaro's horrible capacity for affection since he doesnt think he wants to be hated but also wants to be loved but he should be hated blah blah blahand with kano it's like he validates both of that, that makes zero sense when i type it out but trust me it makes sense in my head. so ignoring canon i think takane and kano r definitely besties bc they r basically the Same Guy????? which like u said it's even acknowledged IN kano's novel where he's like "yep she's twisted JUST like me" also fun fact the same ost that plays over the kano and seto scene where he opens up abt everything in mca ALSO plays over the scene where takane and ayano discuss takane's feelings abt haruka im SOOOOO normal abt that fact. in my mind they r talking or smthn and shintaro gets brought up and kano somehow lets it slip with a "soooo did shintaro ever also kiss you or something haha :3c" and takane's like "what" and that's how takane found out. and i think takane would have REALLY mixed feelings abt that especially bc like "uhhh how would ayano feel?" but when he goes to talk to shintaro abt it a bit more (codependency in the mix bc in her mind it's like well surely shintaro will tell me soon anyway bc he tells me everything bc he needs to tell me. normal things to think) he looks at them like he just shit himself. i kind of forget where i was going with this. but if they EVER did go on a double date it would be so awkward bc harutaka r Normal and kanoshin is Very Much Not Normal. but because takane and haruka are the only ones who know abt kano and shintaro's weird not relationship and shintaro and kano cant stand being alone together for a long amount of time bc it forces them to confront their feelings but also want to be together it's the perfect solution. this kind of goes hand in hand with shintaro's heavy reliance on takane, it's like codependency......2!!!!!! but kano is Also there. SORRY THIS SOUNDS INSANE AND IS SOOOOO LONG IM SORRY im normal

OK im putting answer under the cut only cuz the ask is already long and its so scrolling it on my blog isnt a nightmare for myself 💗 it largely turned into me talking abt takane like always sooo teehee

NO UR NOT INSANE U ARE SO NORMAL!!!!!!! this is EXACTLY IT. shintaro&kano insanity in between shinaya breakup/takane distancing itself from shintaro ahaihvsuxhemxksjxlwkdowkdw (EXPLOSION)

also the ost thing!!! i had to go check and i got so excited stupid like YESS YESSSSS ILOVE THAT KINDA SHIT not to sidetrack on takane/harutaka but that would've been so so so good if the anime hadn't fucked up and made takane all happy when running before dying. like takane was so terrified of being in love with haruka she wasn't like omg teeheee im gonna confess my feelings💗 she was like (RUNNING) THIS SUCKS SO BADDDDDDD AUGGHHHHHH like she DID have an epiphany. but it wasn't like... HAPPY. takane was so terrified!!!! sorry. IM NOT GONNA SIDETRACK TO HARUTAKA IM NOT but str takane finally managing to confess to haruka i think its rly funny if then haruka's of course like I LOVE U TOO are we dating then :3 and takane's like WHAT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT!!! and haruka's like WELL U LIKE ME? AND I LIKE U? SO WE SHOULD DATE??? and takane's like I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT FAR AHEAD I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU GIVE ME A SECOND TO PROCESS like this bitch never once stops to worry if haruka likes her back or not, if it'd be awkward if he didnt and how it'd be like to date if he did, NOTHING. granted that she dies immediately after realising so maybe she just didnt get to that point LMAO but i love this about takane's character like she just doesnt fucking think about it they just WANT TO TELL HIM!!! and then up to str she never imagines seeing haruka again and now he's here and she's too happy and relieved to even go back to this realisation and give time to worry about WHAT IT REALLY MEANS to confess her feelings. theyre just like i need to tell him he needs to know.and haruka's like I Love You Too. takane acting like he's insane for that. haruka rly has to give takane like 10 or 20 minutes of freakout for them to be like omg💗

i said i wouldnt sidetrack to harutaka then did . whatever. This is who i am. erm. oh yeah the ost. SO kano finally managing to let one of his siblings comfort him is obviously scary to him, takane's reaction at ayano's words abt how shintaro needs someone selfish to pull him forward and how she has to be honest to haruka is also scary to her. So having that ost in both these scenes....SO GOOD!!!

i WOULDN'T GO AS FAR AS TO SAY kano and takane are the same guy but i know what u mean. like i said in ur other ask man their PARALLELS... both are playing a role.. (holds head)

theyre not the same guy but theyre heavily like. people with the same ideas but different goals idk. to me its more like... sorry for ripping on takane so much but she is so damn stupid. like emotionally. takane is DUMB takane is SO DAMN OBLIVIOUS ALL THE TIME. While kano is very smart and i think he acts in a very calculated way, kano isn't oblivious at all

i'm pretty sure ALL the kano&takane interactions are from kano's point of view, and maybe the fact they're so similar is why kano is always so mean spirited to her in his pov. like he sees too much of him in them so he's like lol FUCK YOU. like kano always acts so annoyed towards takane. i hate how in the fifth novel takane getting its body back is so brushed off and kano doesnt even help her, and then he's like augh i dont wanna see her right now. like u just traumadumped that bitch to hell and then not only do you not help her get her body back but u also act all weird about having to see her. jail for kano for 1000 years.

But like to me he acts that way... takane IS the first person kano ever opens up to precisely bc he sees himself in her, and like him she is secretly someone else. kano resents takane because she's a lot like him BUT.... BETTER.

kano acts kind of like a brat to takane yet says he doesnt want her to dislike him and SAYS that he is jealous of takane.

this line MEANS SO MUCH TO ME *GOES INSANE*

i think kano is rly jealous of takane bc she's a lot like him yet she's a good person. and he doesn't think he is a good person. and on top of it takane's the one who stays by shintaro's side who kano cant stand so he resents her x2. im not a fan of what mca did in ep 7 with kano&ene but for kano to go as far as do that to someone who never did Anything to him just bc he's pissed to another guy. like man kano is such a fucking jerk to takane in all routes and it's never treated as heavy as it is. tortures her with turning into haruka and takes his frustration out on her abt people moving on (which his siblings&shintaro do yet he chooses TAKANE to take it out on who is in an even worse position than everyone else bc shes dead like girl whats it supposed to do SHES JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIFE OR WHATEVER IS LEFT OF IT AND AT LEAST HELP SOMEONE SHE LOVES MOVE ON TOO) and also traumadumps them and then leaves her to her own devices to get her body back. like fuck that. kano sucks so bad and takane always forgives him so easily. this is partly cuz again the narrative sorta brushes it off coughs coughs the narrative doesnt take takane seriously cough cough but TO ME!! TAKANE'S JUST A GOOD GUY💗 i think takane forgiving him so easily also pisses off kano bc it shows how good takane is and it drives him crazy. takane when 2 guys (kano and shintaro) are absolutely fucking horrible to her and she's like its ok we are best friends👍 again i think takane's just not taken seriously enough and its like yeah takane forgives everyone or doesnt care because we dont need her angry abt it in the story. but to me theyre just so niceys.

god i havent even talked abt kanoshin yet sorry for my takane brainworms you dont understand she is everything to ME!!! TAKANE ENOMOTOOOO‼️‼️‼️ in my defense u said most of the kanoshin stuff which i 100% agree with.

what i didnt even think abt is kano kind of telling takane thru wondering if shintaro ever felt that way abt her bc theyre so similar so kano's like well. if he likes me maybe he liked takane. HEHE GOOD ONE. good one..... augh takane having the warmth of ayano and the mischief of kano. listen to me. im rly so crazy about takane i think all the characters inside of kagepro should be crazy abt her too. sorry i started abt takane again. whatever. takane💗

i also think theyd be the first to find out (and seto but he is not a danger) mostly bc. GOSSIP GRAVITATES TOWARDS HER finds out by chance rather than kano telling her but i DO LOVE THAT CONCEPT OF KANO WONDERING IF SHINTARO EVER LIKED TAKANE kano's first lethal mistake is asking HER though. i think he would rather ask shintaro but FOR THE SAKE OF THE SCENARIO, SURE

ok but thats rly funny haruka and takane being the only ones to know and shintaro and kano not wanting to be alone and forcing them to be there😭 also how would haruka know... I LOVE haruka being up to date with mekakushi dan gossip literally just because he's dating gossip central takane but he just doesnt do anything with the info cuz hes like well i know that now. i think takane just starts talking and goes on and on and haruka's drawing and gasping and being like omg wow really. theyre so silly. i have a hc that during hs takane looks out their classroom window that happens to face a Popular Confession Place and she sits there to watch like its tv. shes like look haruka another one. this one's also getting rejected. haruka's like Takane is so easily entertained💗

but yeah. i think that's how haruka would know. personally i think kano&shintaro would rather be alone bc theyre both terrified of this relationship and wouldnt want anyone to know PLUS i already like takane as relationship mediator to shinaya so doing it to her twice in a row seems just cruel Like at this point takane is living their best domestic harutaka cat parent life ok. like leave it tf alone!! give them a break!! however it is extremely comical. most painful awkward time ever with kanoshin & harutaka

so ill accept it. like its fucking funny. erm. sorry this is all over the place.

[neongravestone]

Drabble Fic TFE Ratchet

Megatron isn't recovering from Dr Mandroid's laser so Optimus calls an old friend.

Inspired by @sound-down art of Grandy Ratchet and conversations had in the Transformers Earthspark Discord Server.

I might write more but tumblr’s UI definitely makes me worry about the length of each scene. I applied for a AO3 so if you want more please allow me some time.

Megatron's shoulder wasn't healing right.

Everyone on base saw the energon drips and his limited movement. Dr Mandroid's laser literally put a chip on his shoulder.

For Megatron, the blistered metal and seeping inner energon weren't his main worry. His digits creaked every time he flexed them.

His first mission with G.H.O.S.T. further exacerbated the wound. Perhaps the Prime took pity on him.

Prime never outwardly showed worry. But after the duo's pitiful performance G.H.O.S.T. threatened to decommission the Decepticon. This injury threatened the treaty between humans and Transformers.

At least that's how the Prime justified calling up an old friend.

It was too risky to meet on base so their rendezvous was a simple scouting mission. They would 'lose communications' and change directions.

Megatron knew nothing of the plan. So when he saw the red and white bot standing there he raised his arm reflexively as she turned to face him.

The bot in question spent many years surprising him with her quick reflexes and frightening aim. The reflex caused energon to ooze from the shoulder wound.

"I see working with Optimus hasn't made you any smarter." The medic's sharp tongue never failed.

"Ratchet," Megatron said in awe and disbelief, "what are you doing here?"

"Optimus said it was an emergency."

Megatron frowned at the Autobot leader, who appraised him in silence.

"You shouldn't-"

"Sit down," she interrupted.

Ratchet looked nice, for lack of a better word. Neat and tidy. Her arm display hummed to life as she patted the makeshift seat in front of her made from a human shipping container. The two red crosses on her shoulders marked her as a friendly medical unit. The Autobot insignia underneath her windshield told a different story.

As Ratchet scanned him, Megatron realized a horrible truth; Ratchet wasn't able to return to Cybertron. The millions of years of Cybertronian medical data she wanted to preserve was stuck here on Earth.

Megatron snapped his helm around to look at Optimus.

Ratchet scowled, "Megatron."

Megatron turned back. The mix of emotions he felt made him speak up in an affected whisper, "Optimus should never have brought you here."

"And you shouldn't move around so much." Ratchet spoke calmly despite the harsh words, "Obviously from the scorch marks you sustained a laser burn. It wasn't powerful enough to sever the arm, but it did sever a main energon line. You probably experience some problems in your hand?"

Ratchet gently turned Megatron's clenched fist and eased open his palm to hear the soft creaks.

Megatron swallowed the lump in his throat as she stood up straight and stretched her door wings.

"Normally, this would heal on its own with rest." Ratchet refused to look at him so she gave her withering look to the ground, "I'll spray a sealant in there. With how much you move around it wont hold. You'll have to reapply it every morning and evening.

In Megatron's recovery years, learning to mak amends remained a key part of reform. But with Ratchet standing her and no on Cybertron where he believed her to be, there was too much to apologize for.

"Ratchet I-" Megatron began again.

"If you say anything else I'll tell Optimus you're grounded," She snapped.

Megatron fell silent as she sprayed a pressurized concoction into his shoulder. The cooling feeling spread through his shoulder and the pain flowed away.

"I," Megatron began again. After seeing her dour expression, he hastily changed his mind.

"Exercise your digits, you have energon loss."

Ratchet began carefully put away her things. There was so much Megatron wanted to say but nothing came out.

"Thank you."

Ratchet nodded.

Optimus waited for her to finish before pulling her aside.

"I take it you didn't risk bringing me here just for a patch job."

"No, this will help with human Cybertronian relations." Optimus smiled reflexively to cover up his misstep. "I have something very important for you to do if you'll join me."

Ratchet felt nostalgic. Optimus now asking for what he asked for at the beginning of it all. Would she really risk everything for him again on this world?

"I'll join you Optimus, whatever you need me to do."

"I hoped you could look after some young ones."

"Absolutely not."

[greyjjoys]

jcink rper here - i read your callout. it paints you in a bad light, honestly, the whole thing comes off as friends having a falling out and you airing dms that should have stayed private. towards the end it was clear you were writing your messages for the benefit of an audience, because you knew you were going to screenshot that convo to hell and back. so you ran this person out of your community, fine. can't you give a person room to grow and change? if you don't like or trust them, just block them and move on.

this ask is in reference to this post

meant to answer this sooner but i went to bed and then i was out all day. if this was a falling out ONLY there would not be at least 20 people she has affected. when i wrote that doc i was really pissed off and petty, as a lot of us were but i had many people come to me with similar experiences which i think is telling. they can come forward and share theirs in their own posts or the replies on this one but i also respect if they don't want to out themselves to possibly be harassed or to have to rehash their traumas. this is my experience and i'm not going to share others without permission. if i sounded like a whiney little bitch in my doc or my screenshots then whatever. i was valid in my feelings. i'm always here to give a person room to grow and change but how can you grow and change from something you won't acknowledge ?? growing and changing would mean apologizing and acknowledging your wrongs because that shows evolution of character. i never asked for castor to get death threats, i never wished ill upon her but running away instead of owning up to the bad shit you did is not showing any type of character development. we are all in this community to literally write characters and it seems like most of us can understand that in that context but not in the context of us interacting with each other out of character. as for me wanting an audience, i don't know where you got that from. when i approached castor initially about how she was acting i had already spoken to several people who felt the same. that she inserting herself where she didn't belong and being very hyper-focused on only things that would benefit her or give her attention on top of the insurmountable attention she already got from her followers, members of her servers and the people who paid to access her content. i have like 40 followers on this blog because it's a newer one. anyone that knows me knows i usually make a whole new blog every 1-2 years because it inevitably gets cluttered. i couldn't give less of a damn about followers or any type of audience. i reblog musings and character shit here, thats pretty much it. as for me taking a shitload of screenshots ?? absolutely i do. i've been in this community for 10+ years. i need to be able to back myself up and compile evidence if needed. that's not a crime. i've ran rps, i've adminned, i've modded, i've had people stalk me, share my personal information and turn people on me for no reason other than me cutting them for my own mental health and wellbeing. i've never wished them ill, i've usually left the door open for apologies or for genuine asks for help. i was friends with castor for like two years and we talked every day, she wasn't like this when i met her but that's how it always is when you meet people. they usually seem fine but when you get to know them and they start to get comfortable around you they start to show their true colors. vetting everyone you meet shouldn't have to be a trait that's ingrained into you and it wasn't so thats why i didn't vet her when i met her. again, i shouldn't have to. we should believe we can give people the benefit of the doubt to not be horrible but clearly we cannot.

this was longer than i meant for it to be but i could just block her and move on but i feel like if i can try to shield people in any way from her behavior, then, i should. so again, this is simply a warning. everyone can do whatever they want, i'm not telling anyone what to do. it's only advice.

this ask and one more will be all i'll be posting in the tags regarding this because i won't want to clutter the tags with it.

[kingkana]

i just finished season 2 and this will be a post about that

ineffable bureaucracy girlies god bless you, ineffable husbands girlies i am going to fucking Kill Myself

sorry i know this is gonna sound so juvenile like who gets This Affected by a tv show right but listen i can't say any of this out loud so i need you (the reader) to grant me some leeway on how horribly gutted i am by this fantastic show

where do i even start? where do i even start? purely show wise, it was very good, i really liked the sidestories and shax and the new silly angel and jon hamm is Such a good actor and like, wow! i loved the clear juxtaposition of nina and maggie and crowley and aziraphale. i was telling my friends that i was a little concerned about how the season was going to go because when i finished episode 4 the stakes seemed pretty low compared to season one, which, like, duh right? because that was the armaggeddon and this wasn't, right? not that low stakes is necessarily a bad thing but it felt like Nothing had been Happening? but episode 5 was really good! and they danced together! and it started out so well in the beginning with aziraphale and crowley sort of acknowledging more about Them, Together, and beez and gabriel!!! my god!!!! their own arrangement! their own happily ever after!

which crowley got to experience firsthand 'this was my dream but maybe you'll actually get to do it' and sent them off to fucking alpha centauri and it was going so well that i started getting anxious enough to have to stand up because i was so scared something bad would happen and it was literally such a rollercoaster of 'oh god, is it happening?!' and 'oh god, what if he fucks it up?' and, and, and! we could have been an us!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me dude!!!!!!! crowley was out there putting it all on the fucking line and fuck, man, fuck! like when i am telling you that i WEPT i fell to the side and Wept for nothing lasts forever because what a stupid and just.....i always have felt more Aziraphale but good god do i know how it feels to realize that something you took as Fact, Concrete, I Can Depend On This And Depend On You And I Don't Have To Be Worried Anymore the other person....doesn't. nothing lasts forever was so entirely the wrong fucking thing to say but it couldn't have been anything else

god, god, and aziraphale really thought.....but how could crowley have been anything other than heartbroken entirely by 'we can be together you just have to change' when he was just as good enough as he was....for him to realize, i mean, for aziraphale to imply that he fundamentally wasn't enough, wasn't right, but Could Be....oh he's so stupid and it was so so good. fuck me, he really thinks he's going to be able to fix this. but you could move heaven and earth and that still wouldn't be enough to erase the doubt of 'nothing lasts forever'

nothing lasts forever is 'maybe this could work, but i don't want to put the effort in so let's just get to the end because it was coming anyway'

this is pretty much how i feel about that, so here's a screenshot of that post which i can't reblog since i don't know who else still has to watch it

in my heart of hearts i want a happy ending so so so so bad, i want them to work it out, i want them to love each other openly and without the dance, and i hope to god there's a season 3 that brings that

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Crying (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

baby, you put a spell on me (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: "Why're you looking at me like that?"

"Because you're fun to look at. Obviously."

~~~

Magic is common in Phil's world. But even spells and potions can't explain his seemingly supernatural affeciton for his roommate...

been a long, lonely december (ao3) - koganewest

Summary: 2012 is a detrimental year for the two.

Diamonds and Tears (ao3) - Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)

Summary: Maybe there is something inside of Phil that made him stop and pick up a ring on his way home from Tesco. And maybe that same thing inside of him is what gave him the bright idea to propose on Christmas.

"Don't fuck with him." (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: People have been hating on Phil and shoving him around more than ever before and Dan was done with people hurting his best friend.

fallout - unlester

Summary: dan breaks off his "thing" with phil and literally regrets it 2 seconds later.

Hated You From Hello (ao3) - irphanfic

Summary: Dan and Phil started working at the same company two years ago, and after a bad start they have arguments almost every day. What will happen when something horrible happens to one of them?

helplessly helpless: I’m alive, can you hear me? (ao3) - MANIAvinyl

Summary: Dan’s been in a relatively good place. He’s kept his head screwed on tight recently. So because the worst of the storm has passed he feels like it’s on him to help the world to de-stigmatize talking about mental health. When he mentions this to Phil, though, it’s finally revealed how much the last few years have impacted his best friend, too.

Really, I just wanted to explore Phil’s side of the story regarding Daniel and Depression. Because mental health doesn’t just affect the individual; it also affects those close to them, in ways we can’t imagine until we’re the ones on the other side.

hotel confidential (ao3) - Nemotaco

Summary: dan wasn't having a good day in the first place, what he didn't know was it was about to get a lot worse.

I Miss You. (ao3) - serendipitys

Summary: Dan's missing , Phil's crying; How does this tale end?

Just Us (ao3) - hygge

Summary: Dan and Phil are in an open relationship, and Phil is tired of it.

(TW) Missing (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: "So we have a new update on the serial killer running loose around London-" Dan turns the tv off, he didn't want to hear anymore. He just wanted Phil back home, safe and sound.

Not So Simple Misunderstandings - xinyanhowell

Summary: It was the most regular of Tuesdays in the lives of Dan and Phil. But what happens when Dan gets a call during a liveshow that may change his life forever?

Secrets To Hide (ao3) - HeartsAndSpades

Summary: Dan Howell has a secret that nobody can know about, not even his bestfriend/boyfriend Phil. A.K.A Dan is a neko, but in society nekos are seen as slaves/pets who aren’t people.

See Me (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Dan gets in an accident, leaving him in critical condition. He ends up stuck in between life and death, watching his own body fight to stay alive- and watching Phil fall apart, but he can’t do anything about it in his ghostly form.

He was confused and didn’t know what to do but he was sure of one thing, he wasn’t going to let himself die.

Seeing The Real Me (ao3) - LittleLola1114

Summary: Neko Dan and Phil have been inseparable friends for the past few years now and now that Dan's 18, they decided to move in together and move away to a place that accepts Dan for who he is- a neko. Everyone can see the sexual tension that they have, well everyone except Dan and Phil. It's only after a situation involving the police and almost getting arrested along with a panic attack that Phil finally acknowledge what they have together and takes the leap of faith.

(TW) Situation at Vidcon (ao3) - LittleLola1114

Summary: After fighting for months, Dan wakes up to find Phil gone. Months have past and Dan and Phil are forced to see each other at Vidcon in America, and after being forced to attend a party, Dan is surprised to meet someone new and exciting; but not everything is what it seems. After being drugged, the mysterious man forces his way into Dan's room and takes advantage of him. Can Phil put their differences aside long enough to help Dan? In the end, after experiencing this together, they realized in order to be happy, all they needed was each other.

The Lovers (VI) (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Dan, guardian of the forest, feels inadequate to love and of love. His best friend Phil loves him despite that.. but doesn't know quite what to do when Dan becomes a hypocrite- playing with both their feelings

there’s still fire in the darkness (ao3) - MANIAvinyl

Summary: Dan wasn’t supposed to make it past age 18. The only reason he’s still here is because of Phil Lester, the only guiding light, the only true heart of gold. Sometimes he starts to question if he even deserves Phil at all.

Depression is a monster. It feeds off of fear and sucks the light out of eyes once bright with wonder. Phil’s willing to fight the war on love for the two of them, he just wished he didn’t have to.

What Happens When You Don't Take a Chance (ao3) - rowan_e

Summary: Phil can’t sleep lately, and the only explanation was the useless romantic feelings he’d developed for his roommate and best friend, Dan Howell...

Now that Phil knows what happens when you don’t take the chance, he realizes that lesson wasn’t meant for him

Where everybody knows your name (ao3) - trainsimulator

Summary: Dan spends the days before Christmas at the Lesters' again, but this is a time of change and coping can be hard.

Where’d You Go? - curiosityandrain

Summary: Songfic to the song Ghost by Halsey. It’s 2012 and Phil can’t seem to find Dan anymore.

You're in Europe and I'm in agony (ao3) - apieformydean

Summary: Phil is leaving for Europe for a week and Dan is left alone in London. It's really not that complicated, everything's gonna be fine.

Right?

[chocolate-failure]

Bruh, what kinda demented shit is this?? Dig literally thinks I hate him because I didn't take a ride from him..

So let me explain cuz holyhell is this a wild thing to say given the circumstances.

So my car is old, like really old. Like I didn't need to do my emissions this year to register my car old. Of course that means maintenance for it can be difficult especially because there's a lot of condensation where I live and because of work it ends up sitting for months at a time. It's been acting up a whole mfkn lot lately, a lot of sputtering, ticks, and whining. So I take it to get fixed and it requires like $3,000+ in repairs but that's beside the point. My car is fucked up.

So I drive up there and ask dig to give me a ride back. I leave before him and accidentally leave my phone in the car when I get out. I'm talking to the dudes there and they're super helpful, one takes me a ride to show me the issues the car has with the sounds it's making and what those sounds mean. During this time dig arrives and I see him in the parking lot across the street. I talk to the dudes for another few minutes and met up with dig to go back home.

Dig's incredibly cold to me the entire ride which he initially says there's no issue. I have to apologize to him for him to tell me the truth because it's obvious he's upset and I don't know why. Ends up when he got there he saw that my car wasn't there and thought I had left which caused him to get upset and message me but of course because I left my phone in my car I didn't get the notif. By the time I got my phone I had noticed him and I was fairly certain he saw me since both me and my car are in his direct field of sight.

He was mad because I didn't respond to him, but I didn't know he sent me anything and I'm literally talking to other people and not thinking about checking my phone. He probably ended up waiting 15 minutes upon arrival so that's why I apologized, I felt like I had wasted his time and he made it very apparent that I had done just that. So I made my mind not to ask him for a ride when I go to get my car. I just got laid off and am not in a great mental space as far as stress management goes so I felt like I wouldn't reliably be able to keep him updated if he did end up giving me a ride.

Saturday I go to pick up my car. I'm having a pretty goddamn horrible day so far and I was really trying not to but fuckin christ.. idk I just wanna be dead. Dig isn't home when I get the call to pick up my phone and even if he was I wouldn't have asked him for a ride. I both didn't want to repeat the events from Friday and also had a terrible gym day so I wanted to get the exercise. The car place isn't far at all, maybe a 13 minute walk. It's drizzling a little but I'm used to it pouring rain everytime I go for a walk. Idk what that's about but it happens to me often. Probably 3 times a week last year I'd get rained on during my spring time walks/runs. I knew I shouldn't have cut through the grocery store parking lot but I really wanted to get back home quickly so I could throw up all the food I ate in the last 20 or so minutes before I left to get my car.

Dig intercepted me in the parking lot to give me a ride cuz I guess he was out grocery shopping and that's why he wasn't home. I'm listening to music and can't hear him so I just point to the car place and give him a thumbs up, say I'm good, and keep walking. The car place is literally a few hundred feet away. Like maybe just under 1000. I'm so close I can see it and I really didn't see the use in getting a ride especially because I wanted the exercise as well as not wanting a repeat of Friday. And that's✨ the message he sends me. I didn't see it til way later when I was in the tub and my stomach dropped so fuckin hard. I was a bit surprised at how much it affected me to have him say something so baseless, mean, and manipulative. I told him my feelings were hurt and that I ended up having to go back because my car was ✨still✨ fucked up. I was honestly so distraught because I spent a whole paycheck on my car and it needs even more work. I was also kinda glad I didn't get that ride because they had me wait again for over half an hour when I brought it back.

I've tried very hard to show my appreciation, share, and be vulnerable with him. Asking for help is one of those vulnerable experiences that makes me not want to trust others either because it will be used against me or become a reason why I owe someone something. He confirmed to me that asking for help in this situation was a mistake and that I am, in fact, a burden. And when I decline that help I'm a disdainful hateful partner who refuses help out of spite. I felt that I wouldn't be able to meet the conditions of the assistance he was offering and didn't want to be seen as more of a burden. Plot twist: I'm a fucking burden no matter what I do.

And like of course this experience sucked but it is both astounding and telling that my one time refusal of his help directly translates to disdain to him. That's really fucking worrying. Like one gesture can make him say something like that... He's never believed that I cared about him if something that small can entirely set him off. Not only does he not believe that I care he doesn't believe me when I say it.

He sent me money which is kinda his version of love bombing, no idea how much he sent, I kinda don't care. He might write me a note or buy me some shit I didn't ask for. Anything to make him feel like he's made up for the fucked up shit he's done so I can then become the inflexible ungrateful harpy I've always been for not graciously accepting his kindness. I'm too tired to fight anymore. I just want to be left alone.

[hard-core-super-star]

okay, they disturbed your sleep but they were hungry, so it's ok... I guess? always on the side of the cats ☝️ I mean, you could have gone to sleep and reply another time jehskakkdkw what eye rolls? 🙄 should I clarify for you then?

I- ummm😶 I'm going to start working my brain to have any chance against you in this case. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!? what kind of absurd accusation is this??? I'm not even going to answer that kind of thing which is complete nonsense, I can't even think of such a thing, absurd, It's the end of times. we nailed it again.

yeah, I think you're right, but you can always shine brighter with an incentive or maybe a reason. I- of course? 😶 what would you like to know or hear (read...) about this reason? It makes sense. if you had used the overthinking thing I wouldn't even have dared to leave the sentences unfinished. kshwjaksk thanks, tell me what you thought of the letter later. now I wonder, how is it for you to learn so many languages ​​with your memory hating you sometimes? 🤔 just to let you know, the research was completely canceled because calling you my goldfish would seem like I was making fun of you lmao, NOT that I would do that tho- exactly that, sometimes it's worth going through such pain because the reward later can be much better. you weren't kidding when you said that his poem doesn't leave your mind ksjskskak if we're talking about the.

WAIT, that's not what I meant!!! wowwow I won't mess with them then. what is your cats name? 🤔 I mean, I'll take your side, of course, but... the cats side-

the first fic I read of yours was “my ears fill with the sound of you kneeling” I LOVE this one. I can't help but like this fic, it's all so beautiful and I'm a sucker for it and everything about it, the feelings, the actions, the dialogues, I literally wouldn't expect that one day I would think I would get emotional about one person calling the other a puppy. (yes, it wasn't even your fault lol. my braincell is suffering, mainly because I'm very sleepy. I guess you'll have to tell me- also, goodnight!)

– 🌟

is it? my sleep schedule begs to differ. yeahhhh but then that means less time for us to talk because timezone differences. i knew you’d already be awake at my 5am so might as well. stop or you won't be getting that third star you seem to be so desperate for 👀 yeah, i think some clarification is needed.

you know, those umm’s count as unfinished sentences and we said we wouldn't do that anymore 👀 i think your reaction proves it's not as absurd as you're making it out to be. no one will judge you if you admit it, darling, this is a safe space.

you know, i think i can accept that argument. anything you want to tell me, it seems like quite a significant reason. you tell me this now??? i thought the overthinking thing was obvious with my constant rambles and mentions of anxiety lmao. oh, language learning can be both painful and extremely rewarding because of my horrible memory. it also sort of forces me to go outside the box and use things like music to help me learn/remember things. awww, is my little star trying to come up with a cute nickname for me? 🥹 the mere fact that you tried is enough for me. it sounds weird but sometimes even knowing such pain exists can be a reward. it can be a reminder that you're alive which can be a beautiful yet complicated mess. yeah, i wasn't kidding at all lmao.

riiight, so what did you mean then? the oldest one is blue because she has blue eyes and i wasn't too creative when i named her lmao and then the one with abandonment issues is beebo which…is a double reference and has a long story that goes with it 😶 but the cat’s side what? i dare you to finish that sentence.

oh wow, you got to read the best one first lmao. it's technically a smut fic but the hurt/comfort aspect jumped out at me and i had to make that the focus. once again, feelings over actions. plus, as we’ve established, kate bishop is in dire need of affection. the puppy thing has taken me by surprise too but i love it a lot more than i ever realized…which is why i snuck it into for your love. calling kate puppy is great, being called puppy? also great. [your braincell seems to be always suffering...is this a cry for help? i could but then my wish won't come true and we can't have that. good night but also good morning!]