#and thats why i cant sleep lately
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whys my sleep schedule getting worse when i rlly need it to get better 😭
#i havent gone to my 9am or 8am in two weeks its so over#buying an actual alarm i can set up across the room#so i HAVE to get up to turn it off#i couldnt sleep at all last night i was up till like 3am#and i was tired as fuck all night i should have been able to sleep#part of me wants to take melatonin again but i also wonder if this is the fallout of using melatonin like a week ago#bc the dosages the pills come in are orders of magnitude larger than what you usually produce to sleep#and i even split the pills into quarters but maybe im still getting my brain too used to huge doses#and thats why i cant sleep lately#idk im not a neurologist
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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#:- (#i feel bad#vent#and i know i shoudl go to bed and that im gonna be so tired tomorrow#i never sleep enough snd im always tired#but i just really really hate going to sleep idk why#and im just sad now about stuff that i thought i could shake off like i used to do with everythign#its like ive somehow gotten even more sensitive#and thats crazy because ive always been an overemotional wreck#but i used to be able to bottle it up and ignore it and hide it#but i suck at it now#and i hate it#i just want to ignore it but it keeps popping back into my head and i cant#and its so late and i should go to sleep so i can get up tomorrow and not feel completely dead but#i just want to. do the things ive told myself not to and i dont want to because im trying not to do it but i really want to#i feel bad and its gonna feel better now but i know that afterwards im just gonna be upset about it but itll be good rn and i feel bad#idk#why would anyone ever be my friend#i wish i would rot to death
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Neeeeeeeeed to be a dumb mutt again i think. Need to make mistakes and not understand basic things and instead of getting yelled at i just get a condescending look and accomodations. Next time i eat so fast i feel sick or try to save the best bite of food for last i need someome to put that shit in those scary spiky dog bowls that make it harder for your dog to eat so fast they throw up. Smiel
#raunchy rabble#nsft puppy#okay smile now the rest of these tags are me whining and going wahhhh wahhhh#im a pussy yes the withdrawal isnt that bad yes i know i promise idk why im being such a bitch#anyways i take effexor and i take two capsules. one big (75) and one thats half the size#i forgot to order the big size so today i was on a third of my dose#and i was already feeling bad due to sleep issues and food problems and depression etc#so it was just wrecking my shit and im at the sorta apex rn#and the worst part is its making me really atupid in the not fun sex way i keep forgetting things or being unable to understand basic shit#and ots scary for me and last time i experiencef effexor withdrawal my dad got mad at me for how much help i needed#'its just withdrawal its not cancer' or something but i have a headache and brain zaps and hot flashes and nausea and i cant think#and its just scary and upsetting to me rn. ALSO! this week i was gonna have my belated birthday dinner and if that got ruined bc of this???#its the one personal thing i got for my birthday and its late because my DAD felt too bad due to his own withdrawals to go!#anyways i decided to take extra of my small pills to make up for it bc i was gonna lose it#which worst case scenario means later im gonna have to do double the withdrawal time while takin 2/3rd my dose#better than half at 1/3rd my dose to me
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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weeoo
#this is gonna be me talking in tags today#ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me#and its been taking a toll on my health like#if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in#i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier#often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why#well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep#so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it#but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself#seemed like the only way for my body to be like#'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao#thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try#ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there#anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty#luckily my mood has weirdly been high#its just my sleep and health that are low#i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong#i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected#im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao#tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao#side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao#like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted#and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long#hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao#ah adulthood is hard lmao#alright im done#gata#no need to read <3 yall
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deranged rambling
#i typed out another post but it became a massive text wall that i probably shouldnt post#but tl;dr im severley depressed. i have been my whole life but it started getting bad again in november#and this last month has been the hardest month of my fucking life#im so sleep deprived that i cant think clearly i cant eat im in constant pain#my thoughts arent even coherent my brain feels like its being twisted around#i cant do my job anymore i stopped booking clients#so thats how my lifes been going#dont worry about me ill be fine i always pull through im just tired#im going to talk to my brother tomorrow. my relationship with him is strained but hes all i have and i know he can help me.#i dont know why im posting this. ive been drinking.#also sorry for how cold ive been lately#and how ive been ignoring all my messages/asks/replies/tags for the last few months#i do like hearing from people i just. literally cannot respond
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When youve been up for god knows how long and you hear your neighbors rooster starts screaming:
#jeep.jeep#why cant i sleep like a NORMAL FUCKING PERSON#mind you i in absolutely no way have insomnia#i just have a shit dleep schedule thats getting worse lmao#i legit just realized how fuckin late it is#night yall 💀
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Its time
I'm sorry
my moot telling me its time for bed
#i wanted to stay up late#thats why i cant be trusted with my own sleep schedule#send asks#anon asks#send anons#<3
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im on vyvanse right now but ive been on adderall before. i dont really know when or why i switched from adderall to vyvanse honestly cause i really only just started paying attention to my medical stuff this year (ive been on adhd meds since kindergarten). i dont really care that im on vyvanse instead of adderall tho its just that adderall is the more well known adhd med so when i say im on vyvanse the only people who are like “oh! adhd!” are other adhders who are or have been on vyvanse too (where as if i were on adderall itd instantly click. and id be able to quote that one vine). anyways all that is to say that cause im on the less popular one its led to me looking into the differences between adderall and vyvanse (partly so if people ever ask what the difference is i’ll have an answer) and the conclusion ive come to from my occasional research is that vyvanse is just better. Like vyvanse last longer, vyvanse may be slightly stronger/more effective, theres been less reports of sexual side effects for vyvanse than for adderall, vyvanse is harder to get addicted to because your body takes longer to process the non-stimulant part of it (probably also why it lasts longer). all of these differences are only slight and ultimately theyre so similar its hard to really compare them but like if you had to pick which one was The Best i think vyvanse would win, only by a little bit, but it would still win!
#txt#I think the main thing adderall has on vyvanse is that it comes in short lasting variants#since ive always used adhd meds for day long things (mainly school) its always been the longer lasting the better for me#so thats why thats counted for making it better#i am also VERY adhd so even if i dont have anything going on i tend to prefer to have a stimulant#otherwise the day drifts out of my gasp#downside to it being long lasting is that it limits the window of when i can take it#since if i take it to late in the day it can make sleeping even harder than it already is for me#but whatever cant win em all. Vyvanse still 🔛🔝‼️💥🔥💯
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#my brother needed his sofa bed from our house in his new apartment#it doesnt fit in any of our cars so we had to rent a uhaul#my dad is returning the uhaul in the city my brother lives in which means my car also has to drive there to get him home#my mom still cant drive#so i have to#i was informed of this yesterday#its a 2 hour drive#apparently there was some traffic on the normal way to go there#so the gps took me around some other way on a road i dont like#i didn't realize until it was too late#now im halfway there#it would take another hour to turn around and go the way i want to go#i pulled over in a mcdonalds to have a panic attack 🤪#i need more time to prepare if im gonna be driving for 2 hours#i had it in my mind i was going the way i know and now im not#and im stuck in the middle of nowhere#and my only choices are to drive an hour through the road that's making me anxious#or turn around and drive back through the road thats making me anxious and also 2 more hours#im literally in the middle of nowhere with no other roads aroind anywhere and nowhere else to go and no way to turn around#its not even that big of a deal but im freaking out man idk what to do i want to go to sleep#like this is too much. why its not even hardly anything but its TOO MUCH
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ohh the anxiety that kicked in when I realized most comic artists have a full team and do monthly or even weekly chapter releases (again, due to having a full team inking, toning, letting, etc their sketches) and it STILL takes them years to finish a series (even ones that are relatively short! if you're doing a chapter a month and ur series is only 100 chs long thats STILL going to take EIGHT YEARS???!)
I have to remind myself they're professionals with teams who are getting paid to do that for a living, and I am one hobbyist, also working so some weeks I feel good abt even getting the One Page a Week goal I set for myself as a new years resolution out because things irl burn me out so bad. like, in the worst parts of my depression there were times where I went without drawing for MONTHS at a time and i do NOT want to go back to that. ever.
the ultimate goal for tm2 is for it to be around ~50-60 chapters (I consider each chapter to be like an 'episode' and always wanted it to feel around the length of the og anime series, so) and I keep thinking 'ooh if I could do a chapter a month and thats the goal Id have it done within 4-5 years!! which is awesome in theory but also burnout + anxiety abt this kind of thing is the reason I stopped the first two times. I burnt myself out SO bad trying to do 5+ pages every update back then. and I'm holding myself to keep going (if only because uh...I've already paid for the website URL for 5+ years LOL (IT WAS ON SALE IF U GOT MORE YEARS IN MY DEFENSE) ) so i NEED to avoid burnout @_@ but Thee Anxiety has a grip on me lately like i am a stress ball. its Bad
(this directly ties into my irrational anxiety abt 'what if I die Tomorrow and all of my stuff remains Unfinished and no one ever gets to Know the Stories in my brain or what if they paid me for a commission and I die suddenly and they think i never replied/stole my money and is a deadbeat, omg I need to do things as fast as possible' which i REALLY should look into going back to therapy for because I feel like this time of year is when my anxiety skyrockets for Some Reason and its ALWAYS BAD. Fs in chat. at least this has actually made me learn to be incredibly fast at drawing/rendering?? JSDHKF ONE UPSIDE TO ANXIETY!!! local guy HATES to spend time on anything for fear of spontaneous combustion!!!)
yet I dont want to spend money on therapy when im still saving for a car bc I need to Prioritize. which is also taking forever and also making me anxious. AAAH!!! can cars be $1 and art be Faster yet still quality? would b very cool
#anxiety tw#<- uh JUST IN CASE#i do not think i would consider this a VENT post necessarily but the end bit is potentially triggering. for other ppl with anxiety i think#its been at an All Time High lately thats why i am up at 3 AM rn. cant SLEEP (I will be waking up at 6 am bc grandma needs groceries too :(#i feel like im being hunted for SPORT im litrally just chilling in bed lol. why#the crazy thing is ive been FINE otherwise lately too ive been having a GREAT week !!#plenty of chill time and time outdoors!! SO WHY....BRAIN#sanchoyorambles
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agh.mmn I can't wait to be away from real life I am. Very bluh.
#don't let them see this!#i am really enjoying this hangout and i like spending time with him but#i was hoping id be able to. do things#this weekend#because ive been surrounded by so many but oddly lonely? i dont understand#and it is hard to act like this and i keep being very violent and i dont want to be#i am very tired of this stuff#all i want to do is fall over and be a Little Fellow#and charles finally wanted to make plans this weekend after silence so long but no i judt had to be busy nearly every goddamn day this week#and i cant even work on the minecraft world and someome else is sleeping in my room!!#i had to rearrange my nest!! i hate this!!#and now the house has a bunch of people staying in it#i really wish i could be held agh. i have been nonstop tired every day this week and i was hoping i could cool down thisnweekend but plans#immediately#and stress and i am Dying Dead#and then i have exams in literal days that i planned on studying for this weekend!! genuinely!! i made plans!! fuck!!#i want to cry!! and puke from sorrow!! my legs hurt and i feel so emotionally tired and worried#i have been so physically affectionate today its gross!! i hate that!!#i want to be alone in my nest agh#i really want to yell and be sngry at someone because then i can be alone or atleast get anger out#ive been saying things i Never Would rghhh#sleeping has been awful lately and ive been nonstop having dreams and i hate dreaming#i would take sleep paralysis over dreaming any day#i hate being percieved as the meaty me!! because thats not me and whoever speaks will never be me and i finally got to speak a little and it#felt so right!! and i loved it!! but it was so little and i Cant be me and i hate being this! and i hate this awful body holding me back!!#why is it so hard to live??#i enjoy sleep paralysis So Much.
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Ooooooghhhhhhhhh stressed 🥺
#dont wanna see family tomorrow and im sleeping saur bad lately i couldnt sleep last night and then had a typical fever dream#which gave me a really cute idea for a movie so im gonna keep it in my pocket#but it was one of those things where its like it says a whole lot about me and my trauma and its stressful#um um um and also im juggling all these different things like im sewing im trying to finally write im trying to draw again#while feeling like im failing at it all and then like i still gotta find fuckinnnnn job i neeeeeed money#this time of year is always really hard for me i hate when its warm again i hate easter and i hate knowing that summer is coming#aaghhhh rn im ticking and stimming really bad and im having trouble breathing hnnghhh#and im very sweaty lol i always get so sweaty when i dont sleep good i dont get it#also i think im just horrible like the one person i wanna talk to probably is getting tired of my constant life crisis and how needy i am#and theyre probably off being better without me there and im just a burden and then my therapist idk about him#i dont feel like hes really giving me anything like when i talk about how stressed and unsafe i am hes like you gotta find a way to cope#and he doesnt really tell me how exactly i should do that like mate thats why im here i need the help you cant just listen to me panic and#go ‘wow you need to fix that’ ughhhh and i think hes mad at me because i dont think he believes me anymore when i say im in an abusive#situation and that ive been controlled my whole life by everyone and i have never felt safe#and its just like ughhh like i feel like no one believes me anymore and theyre all fed up with my bullshit incompetence and constant#bellyaching and im a horrible friend and a liar and probably just being dramatic as fuck making myself believe im being abused when in#reality im the abuser the ungrateful brat who treats his family like shit and cant trust them even though they seem so perfect to everyone#and im so stupid and toxic for trying to run away and for being scared to death here#thats how its feeling anyway idk everyone is just. weird and im losing my grip on reality and cant tell whats real anymore
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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