#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man

[pocket-stars]

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABT YOUR OCS BUT my brain is too small to think of a concrete question. Idk I’d like to hear abt uhhhh Umiko I think was their name. Sorry if I used the wrong pronouns also your art goes crazy - @octobobble

YAYYYY THANK YOU THANK YOU 💙💙💙

Umiko (she/her but dont worry about it) is our beloved agent 8, she was bred by the octarian military to be a top-notch soldier, she saved the world twice, she’s a competitive turf legend in splatsville, and she makes a living as a mechanic! she likes to Look intimidating so that people don’t bother her, and she could probably kill someone by looking at them too hard, but she’s the kindest and gentlest person you’ll ever meet!

back when she was a soldier she did have a girlfriend, Laika, uh long story short Laika died and Umiko feels extremely guilty about it. like a survivors guilt type of thing. octo expansion is all about her (re)discovering herself, processing and coping with her grief, and figuring out how to be an individual person for pretty much the first time in her life. it’s really hard on her

when she gets to the surface she feels pretty out of place in inkopolis- no one speaks her language, no one has her culture- so she doesn’t stay there long. she moves to splatsville, which still has a lot of Ishuben people and influence. most people speak her language, even if it isnt their first language, and a lot of her culture is still present there. she feels a lot more connected to the community

side order… oh my gog side order…. guys i have to talk about side order…… my side order is more of venus’ (agent 4) story, but umiko is really important there. venus is going through a lot of grief over their partner, which umiko has a lot of personal experience with, and she’s able to pull them out of their depressive spiral through a Lot of effort

she meets kaiyan in turf, and they’re kind of rivals, but kai thinks she’s really cool and wants to get to know her better, and she just kinda doesnt. people are scary! but like i mentioned in an earlier ask, kai has a motorcycle and likes to get modifications and constantly needs repairs thanks to all the shit they get up to, and umiko is a mechanic kskfkkdg. she does her job well, and kai will find any excuse to put her to work because then they get to go see her for a little while. this is the main thing that they bond over- umiko eventually starts showing up to watch kais races so she can get a feel for how they actually Use the motorcycle, how well it works for them, and how she can make it even better!

and theres like, a LOT of details im leaving out, because i have a headache and i dont want to spend an hour writing right now skkgkkdg, but thats the really basic ramble about Umiko

[alstroemerian-dragon]

izuru is so interesting to me conceptually. like i know in canon he’s kind of nothing unfortunately. at least in game canon, he shows up right at the end, says some eugenics-y shit, voices hajimes intrusive thoughts, and then hes gone, but. the concept of him, as hajime, but with everything that made him Hajime Hinata stripped away and buried under so much conditioning and bullshit that he cant reach it, is so. its SO. yknow.

its the whole argument about what makes us the people we are, right? if you take a person, and then erase literally all the memories they have of their own identity, are they still that person? have you taken away everything that makes them Them and made them a completely different one? how does that change, and pardon the philosophical question, their soul?

and the thing about izuru is that you can not tell me the memory repression was perfect. you can not tell me that hopes peak academy perfected the art of lobotomy so well that they completely erased every speck of hajime hinata that existed inside izuru kamukura. that boy felt what was missing he knew there was a hole the size of the fucking ocean in his head and he felt every centimeter of it. did he care? up for debate. izuru didnt seem to care about anything, really (which… i have some thoughts about his eugenics conditioning by the academy in regards to that but thats maybe another post). but i definitely think given enough time, some of that would have started to come back. maybe even after the events of the first game, when the school was open again, and junko was dead, and izuru was able to actually explore the place he was held and experimented in and look at the files, and discover his old name. something like that would definitely trigger some memory recovery, or at least a moderate breakdown of some kind.

i dont know. people have said before that izuru is kind of an interesting metaphor for depression if you think about it, and theyre right, he is. he doesnt care enough about anything in life, he doesnt care about hygiene, nothing is going to catch and hold his attention because he thinks he knows how everything in the world works so whats the point in even trying? but he isnt just a metaphor. thats who hajime was during that time. now im definitely one of the people who thinks hajime was a pretty depressed kid anyway, unable to fulfill what he thought he needed to be, constantly pressured to be something he wasnt and couldnt be. but izuru was so much worse. they gave that boy fucking. ultimate depression. super high school level depression. i definitely think the only reason izuru didnt ever do anything drastic about how utterly miserable he was is because. a lot of it was background noise to him? his brain was just blocked off so those triggers were unable to fire? and because. to be honest. thats truly so much work. especially with the reflexes and instincts and empowerment the experiments gave him. and junko’s despair was just intriguing enough to keep him moving

its just something i think about. if someone had been willing or able to just. talk to izuru and offer him a hand. understand that he was hurting and that he didnt have to be. that just because there were holes in his identity didnt mean he couldnt create his own pieces to fit into them. i truly think that if he’d had that kind of presence during the tragedy his brain would have unlocked itself. maybe not all the memories would come back, but he’d be able to feel stuff again at least. and thats… something.

[xxxg0ryygurlll13xxx]

i feel kinda bad abt taking my mental health/work day

like yea i get an insane amount of school work but theres ppl i go to school w who have practice, and rehersal and get it done. am i seriously this mentally weak and unstable?? that i get so stressed out and anxious over school i have to take a day to do it cause i cant do my work at school? really???? like i feel idk idk how i feel. i dont think guilty is the right word? but neither is weak? idk. but its bad. theres just so much going on in my family life too that im worried about and i keep trying to tell myself that this is ok and needed and i just have to get the work done but its so hard to not worry and get overanxious to the point i cant go to school. mental health is such a tricky thing and i know its important but i feel so bad when i take care of it. i will say i put on my insta note "needing to stay home from school to do schoolwork is crazy" and like 5 ppl from school have responded saying they do the same thing all the time cause its so necessary. that makes me feel less bad abt taking today off, well not really off im gonna spend my whole day working even tho thats what i did yesterday too after my PSAT and barely made a dent in my planner. its just its so much. so so so so much and i feel bad that other ppl can handle it but i cant. ik ppls brains are built different but how come i struggle so much in school and w school work and others just pass w As and dont even bat an eye???? ig stupid is how it makes me feel. guilty, weak, and stupid. its only october and i feel like im on a sinking ship, i have school to worry abt, loved ones in florida to worry abt, my mas health to worry abt, my health to worry abt, keeping the house at least kinda clean to worry abt, plans to worry abt, social things to worry abt, so much to worry abt. also slightly unrelated but i have a dr appt to go to on saturday and get to skip out on helping w open house at my school and trying to explain to my friend why no she wouldnt rather spend her saturday talking w her mothers spinal surgeon about how she could be paralyzed for the rest of her life, or how her back conditions could kill her. id rather work open house but she insisted i was "lucky" to miss out. i just feel so overwhelmed already. its only october and my mental health is already at such an edge that i cant go to school. ik that going where i go will be good in the long run and the adults around me are constantly telling me that but idk if its worth it since who knows if ill even make it to the long run. they keep insisting that too. ignoring my mental health concerns and just saying that i go to such a good school and my diploma will help me much more than if i went to public school. which is all tru but it shouldnt be at the cost of my mental, and physical health. they say itll make college easier but if this is supposed to prep me for college idk if i can make it another 4 years of this.

im not happy anymore. not long term anyways like sure hoco was fun and i was happy, i was happy getting ready and dancing but as soon as it ended i wasnt happy anymore. i was back to my now usual empty kind of sadness. i watch shows, play games, and make art that usually makes me happy and it doesnt anymore. i stopped drawing for pleasure, only watch shows and yt series to get it over with and havent touched any games in a long time. nothings fun anymore. everyone is so happy, going to parties, hanging out, having fun but here i am practically drowning trying to even crack a smile. ive started just doing the bare minimum for myself to survive. school, sleep, eating, showers basic things. ive abandoned most of my hobbies and ik thats not good for me but i just cant bring myself to do them. i wanna be happy and i dont want ppl ik to worry so i just kinda fake it hoping no one will notice and maybe i can make other ppl happy. im lonely, sad, anxious, guilty, depressed. i should be excited abt things but everything feels like an obligation now. im just trying to go abt life trying not to die and thats pretty much it.

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

[prettyplzwithacherryontop]

Theres also so much more than issue with memory. It affects all aspects of your brain's functions as it affects the whole brain. Idk anything to do with psychicallity directly or if it even have any real effect on it. But something else i experienced was the almost complete lack in empathy/sympathy. Maybe emotions too but i remember crying in my therapist's office because i thought i was going to be like this forever because it lasted months and months with no change.

I already have trouble with feeling emotions because my own mental health, but i know for certain i lacked less and less emotions than usual. I would only cry if i tried to talk about how much i was unhappy. Thats probably all i could feel. So much depression within dementia.

I believe even if you arent depressed and have dementia, your emotions r still down-trodden somewhat.

I feel like it has part to also do with the inability to have thoughts with words attached to them. I claimed not to be able to think, but that was mostly because i associated thinking with an inner-thought-voice. I could think, but i cant explain how or in what way just yet. Since i couldnt think, i really couldnt analyze what was going on around me. I couldnt form emotions towards most things because i didnt understand what was going on.

One thing that i see usually noted with dementia is IRRITIBILITY. Its so true. Being being percieved as stupid is so frustrating because you knew you didnt used to be like this. You know how capable you use to be and now you cant read a children's book and remember what happened a sentence or word ago. People thinking you have Something Else wrong with you because you cant speak in a way that makes sense. You cant respond with your funny retorts. Its not on your mind and that requires a lot of thining even though you think it didnt.

Being told this and that so u dont forget. You know theyre being helpful but it sucks because to you, you seem like some child. You know they dont see you like fhat but its how you are until an undefinate forever. The inability to change whats happening to you, how you are treated, and the anxiety of how those will percieve you.

On the other side you also get yourself so down for not remembering things. Another thing you were capable of but not anymore. Its very scary when you realize you had something in your hand two seconds ago and you cant even trace back your steps. You are constantly CONSTANTLY pissed off about how bad your memory is. I see this in my grandma. I see this on a quote from a notepad magneted to her fridge about "dont tell me to remember".

She doesnt know how much i can (or could? But its not like i stopped relating) to that.

No one really knows the inside of dementia. P3ople with dementia can only express a limited amount about the experience, especially as it becomes more severe.

I dont really know the word of what i went through, but the symptoms had alligned so much with dementia related diseases. Its terrible.

They literally cannot express to you the full extent of whats going on unless they come out of it miraculously. One of the things i remember from it was i could not think or form thoughts other than "WHY CANT I THINK" "THINK, SAY SOMRTHING" it would repeat like an echo. Whenever i tried to talk to someone i would forget the last word i had said. I had no idea what i was talking about and could not think of what the other person had said before my response. I would have to ask multiple times what they had said to me (NOT BC MY AUDIO PROCESSING PROBLEMS but it made it worse).

Imagine a sentence like a string of beads. Each word is a bead on the string. Whenever i would hear someone speak, the string was not held. Each bead fell off the string. I would hold the beads individually, even loosing a few by dropping them. I would not be able to cohease the bead back on the string for my brain to be able to read. It meant absolutely nothing.

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

reading yaoi for the plot

recently i seemingly entirely stopped my life for a week to read the visual novel Slow Damage.

i dont really play vn’s (reading in front of my pc is HARD) nor do i read that much boys love (i am a bit of a gayboy by nature, so im not opposed to it) so what drove me to absolutely devour this one.....i honestly dont know. i would never have bought it for myself but my bestie gave it to me. so here we are.

slow damage is a game that you Could play. maybe should and maybe shouldnt. its sad and since it deals with self harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, sexual violence and rape, child abuse and just about every other bad thing you can imagine.......... man that shit can be depressing as hell. and since its a eroge, they are out there sexualizing shit they really SHOULDNT.

AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! all those “fiction doesnt affect reality” talk some people do is bs in my opinion. yes, you probably wouldnt hurt people irl bc youre reading this rape scene. but YES, bad porn will still condition your brain negatively in the long run.

anyhow. slow damage is pretty damn self-aware. dont get me wrong man, i love the game so much. and yet, and yet.

its so deeply important to me how the game really pictures.... unconditional love between friends and multiple different endgames that finish the story Well for the protag. he can attain salvation and peace. whether it means never touching the wounds of his past or confronting it headfirst. either way he can go through the worst of the worst and end up better. or worse. its all so fickle but thats the good part right. mental health is very sensitive and as a chronically sick person, he is so so vulnerable. (not madarame. fuck everything to do with him. i think theres a storytelling and character study merit to his ends as well but this paragraph wasnt about them)

ive been thinking about talking about it but theres probably people who have. better more informed takes than i do. here are my 2 cents anyway

id love to talk about the ludonarrative dissonance that is a yaoi game with rape scenes taking a stance against rape

im also really intrigued by the setting; a very desensitized city with desensitized people, which we are supposed to see as sad, yet a lot of scenes are there for shock value

CAN WE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WHY IS SLOW DAMAGE SO FILLED WITH GENDER. ITS EVEN GOOD WITH GENDER. I LOVE THE AMOUNT OF GENDER IDENTITY TALK!!!!! WE LOVE TO SEE CIS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WE LOVE NORMALIZED DYSPHORIA TALK. BUT ALSO I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE THE TRANSLATION WAS ABOUT ITS TRANSFEM/GNC CHARACTERS

the fact that the game has an Entire big arc about gaslighting and an abusive relationship, that makes the protag really really internalize selfhate and doubt and makes that mindset smth that he wears like a protective “its just us two against the world” shield. its so sad yet so close to life

the protag, though horribly abused and traumatized, has the advantage of having a very functional very very loving support system in the form of his two best friends, one of which happens to be a doctor. can you imagine how much worse this could be. im constantly aware of it

thinking a lot about how much class plays a role in the last route and towa and fujieda only start to get along once their perceived differences are lifted, in fact them being “the same” is of fundamental importance - but also undermines how unbridgable their differences would have been otherwise

deeply in love with the fact fujieda, as someone who studied law and has been dealing with courts professionally, is this huge vigilante. bc he doesnt trust justice to happen unless he does it himself. and towa is important to him, but ultimately his own goals are just a bit more important than towas comfort. i love when characters have spines <3

on a related note, i also love when characters dont have spines. taku is literally my fav. the fact hes a human sanctuary contrasts so beautifully with him withholding vital info, constantly telling white lies, being conflicted about Everything, but eventually going to jail bc he thinks he Deserves it

how and why is eiji a metal gear solid character stuck in a pokemon characters body

[spacewassocool]

Hello again.

Could I request the space crew + crew! mack and he! mack conforting a tired and depressed captain

many things on the ship want to go kabom! and the cap is running from one thing from the other and they haven't called any of the crew because they were also tired from all the work

sorry if this is to especific...

today was a difficult day at work :( I just want to be conforted by my favorite people

I AM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG AAAAH

Many chaos happening

PLEASE ENJOY!!!

Fandom: ISWM Pairings: None Pronouns: You/Yourself Warnings: Blood mention, mention of guns and shooting Word count: 800ish?

I don't think I've said this but my first language is not English. please do not go after me for saying something wrong.

What a wonderful week it has been.. Not. Everything has been going wrong, stuff exploded, all your notes had accidentally been thrown away, you were constantly running into stuff being moved around. Yet you never got to complain. You were the Captain of the Invincible II, you could not let your crew down. When ADS went off and started shooting everyone, you were there and fixed it, despite being shot in the leg, you kept on going. Oh no, looks like Cyro is freezing everyone, off you go captain. 

Now you were tired, there were purple bags under your beautiful and/or handsome eyes. Your legs kept giving out, you didn't get any sleep for ages. You didnt really eat or anything a normal human should do. 

Mark

He found you passed out outside Cryo. My man was terrified.

Being the strong boy that he is, he brought you to the bedroom that was for emergency purposes

When you wake up, you can see him sitting next to your bed, bumping his leg up and down.

“Oh my gosh I’m so glad that you’re okay. Here have some water”

Then he hands you a croissant instead of water because he’s so distracted.

After talking to him about what has been happening the past week, he connects the dots in his tiny brain.

So that's why you were avoiding him, you were tired and sad

He gets it now.

Immediately patches up any wounds that you have, gets you to do it by yourself if its in a place you dont want him looking.

Cries and hugs you when he sees you because my boy is scared that you’ll pass out again

Follows you around because he wants to help you forever now

Gunther

He sees you laying down at your desk, just mentally screaming

Immendly squats down to your level to ask whats wrong.

Shoots your chair leg to force you to go to bed

Don't ask questions

Get in the bed

Asks a lot of questions

Thats how you know he’s serious

Wants you to rest

He’ll get Mark to take charge. The Captain cannot be workin in this condition

“Okay, next time ADS goes off, tell me.”

Threatens to shoot anyone who goes near you while you’re sleeping

Celci

Sees you outside Cryo leaning on the door for dear life

“Woah Cap, whats going on?”

Escorts you to her private room

Defo makes you hot chocolate

Talks to you about everything

Reasons to you about why you shouldn't feel the need to fix everyone else's problems

A Lot of cuddles to make up for everything

Rechecks all of the security systems to try and figure out what caused the mess

Just a huge sweetheart

Helps you get more sleep

Burt

This man notices right away that you arent okay

But he does not say anything due to social anxiety

Sends you messages but gets worried when you don't respond

When he finally gets the courage to go ask what's wrong, you are nowhere to be seen.

After searching for 10 minutes, he finds you crying in a cupboard

Hugs you like the MAN he is

Asks you what's wrong and takes you to his safespace

Comfort baking anyone?

Yep, you guys make cookies together

Forces you to get a good night sleep

Just a really good guy

Crew Member! Mack

Since he is such a good member of the crew, he likes to keep logs on everyone

And there is not a person whom he cares more for than the Captain.

However, he has become rather concerned lately 

His favourite person is not doing so great

He knocks on your office to try and talk to you, only to find you in the corner looking done with life, and also fast asleep

Much like Mark, Mack has big boy strength, so picking you up is no problem.

Take you to the Captains quarters!!

Tucks you in and does a scan of your injuries, covers up the most serious ones

Tracks your breathing because he loves you so much (Why am i making him a yandere)

When you wake up, bombards you with questions

When he realises he’s overwhelming you, shuts himself up

Just lets you talk

Pets your shoulder

He’ll be here for you

Head Engineer! Mack

Just another day in the ship, say where is his Captian, he wants to complain.

Notices a trail of blood leading up to your room

Immediately panics

Uses his override code to open the door

Sees you at your desk, crying and just being done with all the work you have to do

Hugs from the back people

This is huge guys

He does not like physical touch

The fact that he willingly gave it to you is a privilege

Honestly, just holds you while you cry

He knows how tough space can be

Must be even worse when you’re a captain

Listens to all your problems (that's a first)

After you’ve calmed down, leaves to go find whomever fucked everything up

In all, he’s here for you, and will never leave your side.

[wiihtigo]

Could you talk more about sam and max being autistic idk I just like hearing your thoughts about it your doc was cool

you come to me on the day of my daughters wedding and ask me about sam and max autism headcanons, forcing me to open tumblr and start writing what ive been thinking recently about maxs autism in relation to him in 305

i talked about this in private a bit but i think 305 could be taken as an allegory for maxs giant autism and thinking you dont feel things the right way with ASD

-max turns into a giant horrible monster in 305, this could be taken as him literally seeing himself as a monster and the whole town, all their friends, see him as such and want him DEAD all except sam whos constantly vouching for max this entire episode. at the end when superego was like "wow! max is actually capable of self sacrifice! amazing!" sam says "told you so." very smug because he knew all along, he always knew max was capable of kindness and love because he sees it firsthand every day!

theyre partners and best friends, of course he knows him better than he knows himself. Literally in this case, where superego, personification of part of maxs brain, thinks hes not capable of feeling things in a normal, proper way, max doesnt think that about HIMSELF, superegos issue with max (maxs issue with himself lol) is that he thinks hes capable of more and max is just ignoring him he says specifically hes tried to push max towards the finer things in life and being more proper (max trying to push himself? talking about max and superego as separate when theyre essentially the same is so hard #HELP.) he thinks hes selfish and cruel and not capable of a selfless act.

theres even a line superego says to sam where he says "you of all people should be able to understand my frustration after years of being partnered with a creature driven by pure id" which is like. does max think sam gets frusterated with him and doesnt want him as a partner because of the way that he Is. max. this is a nice little parallel to sam just last episode having that thought "max is getting so powerful now soon he wont even need me :(" but thats getting away from my point a little. (veering into max depression discussion which is a whole can of worms on its own, but it is worth mentioning autism and depression often go hand in hand and some of maxs self worth issues can be attributed to feeling weird about his autism traits)

anyways of course max was capable of a selfless act, of course he would save sybil and her baby, he loves sybil and he loves babies and he has a lot of love in his little heart. so skipping ahead a bit to the biggest scene in sam and max that baffle and confuse millions, maxs reaction to coming back to sam.

a lot of people are confused by maxs nonchalance and casual retelling of the horrible events that apparently went down in his timeline where he had to kill his sam. (interestingly but a little off topic, he specifically says HE blew sam up, whereas in this tl, max killed HIMSELF, sam didnt do a thing. in fact he wouldve probably stayed trying to save him until they both blew up if superego hadnt convicned him itd be tooootally fine to leave. seriously sam its OK hes NOT going to blow up i promise. ok bye bye."

so max comes back, immediately tries to jump back into normalcy and jokes and feels unsure and uncomfortable when sam doesnt reciprocate. he looks confused when sam hugs him even. a lot of people are like "what the hell did he mean by this" but TBH as someone with ASD and lots of experience in the "getting bad news over the phone and then going to a funeral" pipeline i really felt a mind and soul connection with max there! this is mentioned somewhere int he sam and max bible for the cartoon but steve purcell writes something along the lines of "max sees things differently from anyone else" on the topic of his strange reactions to things. which is like. You have autism ->

theres an unskippable line in 305 right before you get to the endgame where sam says "why does max have tear ducts? i cant remember the last time ive seen max cry." and then immediately gets into maxs juxtaposed reaction to sams death to sams absolute MISERY over maxs. max might not feel grief in the way people would expect from a person. he might not even be sad. he might not feel things in the "proper" or "normal" way but that doesnt make him a 50 foot shambling eldritch monster, hes just wired differently. as someone with autism ive felt it too where i dont think i feel things in the right way. if something really sad and fucked up happens to me i dont feel sad and the only thing im immediately concerned with is feeling uncomfortable with watching the people around me crying which, as im typing this, makes me feel like a monster freak for being so cold and cruel, but thats the point im trying to get at, 305 could be read as an allegory for this exact feeling.. because at the end of the day max is just max and sam is happy to see him and accept him as he is. hes not a monster, hes just sams partner and best friend and its ok to be exactly the way he is without feeling the need to change

[crowsareverytired]

my fyp thinks i like car seat headrest, i have never heard of that band but this person was talking about the lyrics of beach life in death and i looked them up and these are the ones that hit me but under a readmore cause this will probably be long (update: very long, practically a vent so warning)

I wrote beach death when I thought you were taken

I wrote beach funeral when I knew you were taken

I wrote beach fags, well it wasn't about you

But it could've been. well no it couldn't have

now obviously im not a writer and i didnt write shit but its honestly the last two lines that hit, it could've been but no it couldn't, thats how it feels about him, the famous him that has been mentioned one too many on my account. it feels like our relationship could have been more but.. it couldn't, it really truly couldnt and it was supposed to be how it was supposed to be

We said we hated humans

We wanted to be humans

We said we hated humans

We wanted to be humans

now this line is also about him, kinda, idk. i say a lot about how much i hate yk the people at my school and stuff but sometimes i truly wish i were like them, i wish i was normal and cis and straight and dressed normal and was just normal, didnt have any problems. i hate them but i wanna be them because life would just be easier. now where he comes into this line is a little blurry, i think he might feel that way, im not completely sure but i feel it and also i sometimes hated him for what he did but i did the same so its really the same.

I am almost completely soulless

I am incapable of being human

I am incapable of being inhuman

I am living uncontrollably

idk but for the last few months it has been feeling very soulless, it just doesnt feel like me at all? idk what happened to me but it doesnt feel like me, i dont think I've been me in a long time, a really long time. and im not much human either really, talking seems hard sometimes and doing things and just everything. i am constantly living uncontrollably and uncomfortably

It should be anti-depression

As a friend of mine suggested

Because it's not the sadness that hurts you

It's the brain's reaction against it

now this bad boy stung deep, the first two lines kinda hurt because when i used to vent to my online friends they were sure i had depression but then i got a diagnosis which didn't really tell me anything because i knew but now i dont even accept it. the two other lines tho, its a half truth, sometimes the sadness is too much and it deeply hurts but also the way my brain copes with sadness sometimes hurts even more, all my unhealthy coping mechanisms and everything. i dont know what im really saying but i suggest car seat headrest, idk i havent listened much but do it.

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[boypussydilf]

relatiobnships ask game tell me about umm ummm [trying to think of who you havent been asked for yet] SAM AND MAX.right now

THEYRE JUST FUNNEY LITTLE ANIMALS. HEHEHEH MY CREATURES

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

wait the entire series is built on their dynamic bc 95% of the point of sam and max is just them talking to each other but how do u even. describe it. uhh. Absolutely Terminal Amounts Of Banter. also beating each other up. theyre so?? they just walk around Constantly making jokes just for the others entertainment and also often lightly insulting each other. & also theyve known each other their whole lives and theyre soul bonded. they literally cant be apart from each other for more than a few seconds. seperate them and they both immediately become deeply depressed. theyre codependent. and they show affection by being a little mean to each other and throwing each other through walls. (well sam throws max through walls. i dont think max could lift sam. he bites him tho)

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

aside from the fact that my brain probably remembers them slightly differently bc i havent seen them outside of short clips in a while. mostly im just. the same as 90% of sam and max fans where its. What if they were the same but they got married 90 times for fun. but arguably they have gotten married in canon so

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

THEYRE LITERALLY JUST FUNNY. they are just very funny as individual concepts and significantly more funny put together. their interactions are great for their interactions are the backbone of their franchise. also i love codependency

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

They literally dont know how to exist without each other <3 if sam does not have his little freak there to bounce witty lines off of everything else completely loses meaning. if max does not have his bestie there to hear his deranged comments then hes just being deranged on his own and thats no fun. they met when they were like 8 or something and now its been decades since they were in different rooms for more than a few minutes. they need each other there is something wrong with them and it works for them so its OK

favorite interaction they have in canon

UMM we dont. see it. but i think maybe the thing said in some article or interview or something abt them meeting bc max stole sams lunch back from kids who had stolen it from him. I Think It Was Something Like That. i love that. also i like the opening scene of the thhhird episode of the first telltale game i think? where sam is tossing max up in the air like a baby so he can reach the darts board & then the phone rings and sam stops for a second. thinks abt it. then throws max against the wall so he can go get the phone. (this isnt like a one time thing its a running gag thru thr whole series that whenever the phone rings they physically fight to get it (and sam always wins). but thats my favorite instance bc of the little *pause* *thinking* *tosses max over his shoulder slamming him into the wall like a sack of rice*)

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

oh man i dont know. 305 angst. sam n max fans will look at the 1 serious part of this immensely silly consequences might as well not exist franchise and go Is anyone going to get hung up on this forever and make emotional content about it? and not wait for an answer. and theyre right. hey telltale wh. how did you come up with the devils playhouse. why did. what the fuck is the city that dares not sleep who thought of that. steve purcell approved this. hello? hello?

okthats all thank you <3

[gobstoppr]

chat i lost my voice from not shutting the fuck up and being in vc a ton the past few days . so i couldnt do shit today it was so boring

i wanted to game . but i cant game for too long cuz then my hands will hate me and then its like oh i know ill go watch show . the funny . the one with the guys i cant stop thinking about . but NO because i love pausing show and talking about the guys and etc it essential . but im barely audible and if i use my voice now itll still be bad later ! and then its like ohhh i think im ready to go try sploon3 story mode . but no because i KNOW myself i KNOW what i do im gonna fuckin ramble about every lil detail either by talking outloud (preferred) or typing (which would add gaming hand pain on topof typing pain ) so its like . fuck ! !

i did manage tho i minimally gamed and then i read some fuckin fanfic and messed a lil with famistudio bc thats not too taxing on the hands but yes everyone is so mean to me </3 its so mean to suddenly have TWO conditions that mess up my backup plans for when one starts being annoying (my go-to for wanting to still have fun and stimulus n stuff when my hands need to rest is to watch silly shows with friend and the joy comes from the laughing at dumb jokes and talking about things and its like . damn now what do i do )

like there *are* other things to do i could go back to constantly watching youtube vids (for the past few months ive somehow been out of the 'being depressed n rewatching old video essays' curse and idk if i want to . relapse ) or listen to music or somethin or just like . not talk over a show . but ur honor have u considered i dont really wanna im not really saying all this to reach some sort of conclusion or for advice from others or anything . im just afhuieawoawifwef because i have so many thoughts in my brain and i have no voice to cry suffering

[doctorguilty]

life talk

my new desk should be here tomorrow! I’m gonna probably.. rearrange a bunch in my room .. gonna move my current table out to the kitchen area and organize various kitchen stuff... I really wanna clean and overhaul the kitchen in general since I’m gonna be cooking more 

been kinda settling a timeline of goals in my head like today I got groceries and things I needed, tomorrow gonna rearrange bedroom and the kitchen... then then maybe the day after that start some art related goals? unsure! but i’ve been kinda accomplishing a few things every day the last several days! so like i’m kinda proud of myself..! kinda..... I’m still very prone to beating myself up for like... not doing Enough or just .. feeling like a failure/useless in general...

it’s just.. really weird adjusting when anywhere up to 90% of my adult life has been lost working a job cause its not just.. the time I spend at the job its the way it drains me and depresses me and I barely have time to enjoy life... and the last 2 years, working where I did, during a pandemic which was the most chaotic work experience of my life even if the job itself was better like, the .. climate of it all, was horrible and literally traumatic, and after all the hard work I put in I was just suddenly sat down and told I’m doing an terrible job and everyone’s upset with me? thats just. so much. 

I know i need time to process it and heal but I also like just cant stop feeling like I dont deserve time to rest, time to just relax and watch movies and play games and go for a walk like, I dont know, I guess I just feel like I’m not supposed to really enjoy life a lot, the things i enjoy have always been...... distractions from my pain and exhaustion and procrastinating waking up until the next day, I never felt like I “deserved” to have fun it was more like, I NEED to induce serotonin or else I’m going to run into traffic, me having fun was part of the cycle of working myself to death if that makes sense??? like eating food for fuel to burn, like giving my brain something to fuel some flicker of joy to keep me going and not just lay down and die 

so I’m having this weird existential thing where i’m just.. idk. like fighting back against tearing myself apart mentally and feeling guilty for like having so many days already of being happy, I dont feel like i deserve nor earned that because I havent suffered enough to need it. i’m used to always being constantly on the ledge, just like, being given the bare minimum to not fall off, what do i do when I’m not on the ledge anymore? when i’m not constantly in pain? i’m confused. It’s all.. so much 

it really just comes down to that.. me feeling like happiness in life is only earned through suffering and the ratio should always be significantly favoring the latter. and even then i dont intrinsically deserve happiness its just. at least a scrap is required to stay alive. being too happy feels like I’m stealing something. i’m just not used to anything else..

[night-dragon937]

Sorry i accidently Unfollowed trying to hit the ask button: Im a little anxious about this but, I want to know how best to refer to you/yall? I know, the basics of DID and im sorry if this just, comes off as wrong/bad, but im, assuming that DID is specific to each system (I think im using that term right? im sorry if im not) and i just want to know how best to, like. avoid making you feel bad/wrong? (like, im anxious about referring to you as, you or do i need to refer to you as, like. them? or yall?, because i think all of you is valid and great and deserves respect? individually and as a whole?) and i saw the post where like, people think the Host (I am so sorry if i am messing up these terms) is more valid then the others, and that made me sad because, I think everyone is valid? and its like, i dont want to refer to you as the wrong thing (eg: a singular person, incase that strips away the importance of being known?, or as multiple, incase that invalidates?) like, im sorry if any of this comes off as tone deaf. i also got anxious about asking because, I dont want it to seem like the first thing i think about is, this? when interacting, but its why i get really nervous about using you/yall? not that anything was done to make me feel like that, i just want to be respectful? I also dont want to ask tons of questions cause, i know what it feels like to be bombarded with questions about something like this and being treated less like a person, more like a thing to gawk at i guess? like, ive done my best to read up on DID to, better try to understand, but if its unique to each person, I dont want to generalize it? I also am trying not to refer to this as a disability? as im not sure if its, ok to? because it just felt, strange, referring to, what to me seems like a Group of people? as a disability? Im sorry if thats, incorrect or wrong, or even ableist? im genuinely not trying to be. I just, think its important to give everyone individuality and importance? and if you all ? are, different people with their own personalities (if im, understanding that right, i know its possibly different from one person to another?) Then i want to respect that to the best of my ablity? Sorry for all of the rambling and if this is too much a wall of text. im also extremely sorry if anything ive said/done in our interactions, or this ask were offensive? Its alright if you dont want to answer this of course, or if any of this was too personal/touchy, im not gonna get upset or anything and thats completely fair ? I honestly second guessed asking, but figured i needed to before i accidently messed up and said something wrong?

hey no need to apologize! we are willing to answer questions about our experiences with did/plurality! (in fact, it's nice when singlets/non-systems ask questions when they're unsure bc it shows that they care about respect n stuff)

each system's experience with their diagnosis is unique, yes! we have did, but there are various types of osdd that are diagnoses for systems as well

we have what's called a singletsona, essentially a "sona" that's a single person. we mostly have this irl for safety reasons, but we also understand that a constantly changing roster of many people can be confusing esp for neurodivergent people. so, generally, we go by night (cause we're the night system lol it fits perfectly!) and use they/them.

some people do want to interact with us individually (like. maybe four singlets so don't feel bad if you'd rather just interact with us as a whole, but we will let you know if we switch or about alter-specific things) and they refer to us either by who's fronting or by "night sys" or "night system" and refer to us with plural pronouns

you're so very sweet <3

so that refers to people who act as if the body belongs to the host and no one else in the system, the life belongs to the host and other alters shouldn't get as much of a say, or as if other alters aren't really people, like the host is.

you're not being tone deaf at all! even if you were, we'd still be willing to provide info

so, referring to a system depends on a few things. if you're referring to a singletsona, then singular pronouns/preferred pronouns. if you're referring to a single alter, then singular, but if you mean the whole system, then plural. also, if you feel weird about using "you," just know that you was originally a plural pronoun (but has changed in meaning and usage, like they! and thou was the singular)

we're generally pretty understanding and won't get offended unless one is being intentionally malicious (understanding what one is doing, what the affects of the actions are, and still choosing to do it)

we don't know enough to comment on osdd but did is absolutely 100% a disability because this impacts every aspect of our lives, for several reasons. there's the obvious sharing every life decision with a multitude of others with their own personalities and opinions, but did is a trauma based disorder and thus has a lot of symptoms of trauma. did is usually concurrent with ptsd and c-ptsd, and often others. this is bc dissociation is a learned (unhealthy) coping mechanism where we put ourselves literally anywhere but the physical present rw to avoid trauma at a young age, which impacts development of the personality (talking specifically about did). did is... so much more than having brain friends, its freaking out bc someone used a specific tone of voice even if it's not meant maliciously. it's coming to front and having no clue where you are or what's going on. it's being held accountable for actions you have no memory of (and are often out of character). it's often dealing with depression, anxiety, flashbacks, anxiety attacks... you get the point lol

the group of people isn't the disability, it's how traumagenic systems form that cause them to be disabilities, and how that affects daily life. that sounds contradictory. it's... not that any specific alter is debilitating, but the cause of the condition (trauma) and the effects of the condition (dissociative amnesia, etc) that make it a disability. does that make sense?

and you've been nothing but respectful! but thank you for checking, it means a lot to us, truly.

feel free to send more asks/reply to this if you have any more questions or need any clarifications in regards to this (we've been awake for far too many hours lol). also we love talking about our system and info dumping about our diagnosis/diabilities lol

[maniacalmagician]

EVERHOOD: Pinocchio in Psychedelic Purgatory: the Rock Opera Adventure. OR: I walked backwards into hell, and felt euphoria as I became privvy to the Divine Truths

Hello tumblr people. I’ve been Away. I played a game recently and I wanted to talk about it.   damnit i really wanted to put pictures into this mini essay. ive been away from this garbage site for too long, i dont know how to do it lol.  ok anyway    First, I want to say to the developers and anyone else that this has quickly become one of my all time favorite games. Currently writing I have personally never felt a greater emotional attachment to an experience with a piece of software. Perhaps it is the extreme idiosyncratic nature of it, perhaps it is the deeply intriguing storyline, mostly however it is a combination of those in addition to some of the most outstanding psychedelic visuals I have ever seen, particularly in the finale sequence, and a killer soundtrack that combines many genres but focuses mostly to being as bangers as possible. I will be upfront and say this game comes with a boatload of trigger warnings, and thus the aforementioned idiosyncratic nature of it may not appeal to everyone, however I feel it necessary to indicate potential content warnings here as I would hate for people to be triggered: epilepsy is the big one, I myself have mild stutter based epilepsy and it didn't cause health problems or anything but my case is not universal. Anyway. That is a hard warning on epilepsy. I do it because The Incredibles 2 did not, lmao (that's an example of the kind of visuals that trigger me personally. An aside ) Other things include (spoilers): arachnophobia, misophonia (screeches, unsettling sounds), themes of death, immortality, suicide. Some game mechanics are not immediately intuitive and puzzles require some pretty clever but sometimes obtuse solutions. Direction is not always super clear either. People have complained of performance issues but I am leaving this review after playing the switch port, which played smoothly other than some awkwardly long loading times here and there. What I have played of PC so far runs smooth but as of writing, performance for me was fine (my pc is a lowend budget build). There is a difficulty to it. Even playing on easier modes, it can be quite unforgiving. If you're a fan of hard games (I am but I suck at them) and rhythm games (this is, uh, Not? That? Almost functions as half walking sim, half rhythm Game, dodgy shoot em up kinda feels. Truly unique gameplay I think. Constantly switches things up, too. But yes I also adore rhythm games, and yes i also do suck at those too.), half of it is that. The devs troll you with puzzles. It's truly a wild experience as it advertises, one of a kind. And yet, however.... This game wears, much like its heart,, its references, on its sleeve. If you are not into that kind of thing, you will probably be annoyed by this game. It also loves to delv into meta, as many puzzles and interactions are references to the UI of the game itself. Personally, I'm not wild about meta but I appreciate the ernestness here, so I'm willing to roll with whatever this game throws at me because every turn feels unexpected, fresh, funky, somber, and wildly intelligent, with boldly sincere ludonarrative choices, script and art direction. If you like Geno from super Mario Brothers, which, guess what, narrator here LOVES Geno from Super Mario Brothers, this is functionally the game you've always wanted that Nintendo could never make because Square has held Geno hostage in some kind of underground torture facility since 1995. Turns out they were rather right to do so, because when that puppet is out serving a higher authroity, he can be quite dangerous. Narrarively it borrows much from its sources but I would argue there's proof the writers have spent time thinking about the implications of their source materials worlds, and that reflection casts itself back to create this, experience that is wholly unique even if we know Red is Geno and "Gaster" (who was based on Uboa from Yume Nikki or princess mononokes forest spirits), and some kind of disco Marceline character who changes their identity frequently, skeleton brothers- well undead brothers, really - We have to remember in the creation and consumption of media sometimes, influences and archetypes are ever present and Everhood almost itself is a realm that would indulge in the idea of self referential material. It makes for this very Jungian experience of friendly archetypes we're familiar with, which works well with this setting of an immortal realm. Thats not to say the personalities we do meet aren't expounded upon - they are, heavily, and become uniquely their own. (Spoiler) if my theory is to be believed this world is a purgatory where people have made their own artificial vessels and as time has made them bored (though some seem to be having a good time) while typical strains of the Pinocchio myth are thrown in about questions of identity and death - and probably even more so towards Timothy Learys concept of the Ego Death, or the return to the collective soup of unconcious being. Undertale will probably always be a reccomendation even by its own reference to it so comparisons to it will be littered through here. It feels like the developers were emboldened by Toby Foxs spirit in game development (his creative energy is rather infectious) and shared many similar ideas, but this feels far more aimed towards a maturer audience (references to the things I mentioned in the trigger warning list) and focused on achieving this feeling that its predecesors have as well. Yume nikki. Lisa. Earthbound. Toby's games. super Mario rpg in its humor, Cat Soup in its psychedellic depressive vibes, all this cool indie cult classicy kinda mash up soup.  bizarre antics and then these characters who have surprising depth the further you go. It has been 6 years since Undertale came out, and the developers for Everhood have called a lot of the "what ifs" that fans of that game ask, an answer in their own game. (What if No Mercy was forced, for example? What if going against destiny is the wrong thing to do? Why is Death such a Bad Thing? etc!) And the further along you progress, the smarter the story gets, the more complex the narrative threads and characters. This game knows how to write compelling literature and that wasn't an element I expecting but god am I so glad for it. Literally my pea brain saw Red's design flipping around some frets on a streamers videocapture (shoutout to based fellow tampa native Charles White, thank you for being witty and having good taste and your Floridian comisery.) one night and went "oh i like." But the experience I got in exchange was, so, so much more than that (but the tetris effect won't let that image disappear from my eyelids quite yet haha.) I hear there are multiple endings and one requires a 3 hour long trek. I'm not done with the game at the time of reviewing. You bet your sweet ass I am going to find out the Ultimate Truth. I found a way to deal with some of the bullshit in other games, I may not be great at games but I want to see whatever imagery these guys put on screen so it compels me to seek out all the alternative routes. I am going to be following these developers projects very closely. If this is their debut, their next project will be ... ... I would hate to force expectations, like if you just made a magnum opus like this it'd be perfectly alright to retire, but I just once again want to say thank you to the developers for putting your heart on display for the world to see. I see it. I have dealt with struggles similar to the ones in the stories this game articulates about anxiety and depression, existentialism and dread, dissociation and all the heavy themes that were risky to include narratively - I'm certaintly glad you took the risks you did. May update this review as I get further along the story but yeah. Tl;dr: haha pinocchio myth done well make brain go brrr. 9.99999999999998/10. I am taking an infitisimal fraction of a point off because of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ spider in the monster maze. that thing was abhorrent, but I won't let it deter anyone else who wants to play.

[hisbutlerisahunter]

A/N: I have to put a warning on this one for depressing themes and a little bit of a saviour needing complex but thats all.

Day 9- “I know Autumn is cool but it seems to make you sad so I brought you some things and i can stay as long as you need me to”.

Pairing: Chrollo x reader.

The days were getting shorter, the rain and clouds lasting longer in the morning and rolling in early at night. It was wonderful for some, the rain was beautiful and always smelt so good but Autumn just brought waves of sadness for you sometimes. Some days were good, others were bad but the worst were the numb days.

The knock at your door drags you from your inner monologue and makes you groan, literally no one visits you this time of year so its a little annoying that someone had decided to show up.

“hi my dear!” your boyfriend greets you. He sounds way too chipper for someone who usually choses to be broody, he was faking, your brain supplied to you an answer for his behaviour.

“you dont have to fake that voice or be happy Chrollo” you sigh and his face sets back to its usual blankness. He didnt often pretend with you so you knew he knew something was wrong.

“fine, are you going to invite me in or am i going to have to pick the lock when you slam the door” he says bluntly and it actually draws a laugh from you.

“come in i dont need the neighbours calling the police on my boyfriend, the fire is on as per usual” Chrollo loves the stupid chair by your fire and he always complains when you dont have the fire on like he doesnt spend half his life in the coldest places ever.

When he walks past you, you hear rustling and you’re granted a look at the small convenience store bag when he plops it down next to his chair. Usually you’d be very happy to see him, not that you arent. Its always nice to be around Chrollo but everything felt off, your chest felt heavy and your mind felt fuzzy, you werent perfect company right not.

“oh by the way, I know Autumn is cool but it seems to make you sad so I brought you some things” he gestures to the bag and then continues “and i can stay as long as you need me to, Troupe business went bad, were hiding out”.

Taking in his words takes you a second, your mind tosses them around and then comes to the conclusion they’re genuine and then you feel your very first emotion of the week, heavily. The tears flow easily and youre smiling and laughing through it because damn it feels good to feel something.

“darling why are you crying” Chrollo doesn’t sound shocked, he does sound a little uncomfortable though. You smile and sniffle and make your way over to him, this wasn’t going to fix it but it was nice to know you had an escape in the man you love.

“because everythings felt so hollow and fake the past few weeks and you walk in with a bag of probably stolen chocolate and blunt ass self and it helps” Chrollo looks at you for a second, takes in your red cheeks and the tears unspilled and stands. He walks towards you to close the space between you, very strongly might you add, only to smile and open the bag hed brought for you.

“thats what im here for, now take these and come read with me, its getting boring without you talking in my ear constantly” he sighs like hes bored as he sets himself gracefully back in his chair.

“aw you do like me” you tease and though he doesn’t take the bate he does roll his eyes lovingly as he pats his lap for you to sit in. Chrollo always does this, pretends hes not here to make everything better and that hes annoyed by you but still accepting and even initiating certain affection. It gets confusing at times but right now its just a very welcome reminder that you’re not in this alone.

“so what are we reading” you start, “something boring i suspect” you giggle and Chrollo chuckles but continues to read whilst moving you so your head is against his chest and his arm is loose around your waist.

“well you might think so but i find it very interesting” he hums, you feel it rumble through his chest and it tingles in your ear.

His body is warm and his voice is so deep and smooth as he reads aloud, as you listen you suddenly realise you cant remember the last time you had a decent amount of sleep. Your eyelids feel heavy as the warmth and safety of Chrollo seeps into you and before you can resist he whispers a simple “sleep” before placing a chaste kiss to your head.

Chrollos presence might not fix everything that hurts but it gave you a safe haven to run to when you needed an escape from the dullness of the changing weather and the depression it brings.