#and that is exactly the kind of choice you as a player would be given in a lot of other games

[vivanightcity]

a fun challenge: finding someone to ship Yash with who is worse than Dex xD

[foreverisntenough]

- YOU’RE MINE -

Summary: While you daydreamed about his face an ocean apart, he had no idea what yours was about to do to him. With a twist of fate and the heat of summer, a new relationship would completely ransack his heart - Everyday heavy with the thought of one another, neither of you were going to let the unexpected love of your life go. You were going to be his, you were his, and you were going to stay his.

Warnings: This series will contain fluff, suggestive, smut love bombing, little sad, and kind of angst- not sure what else really… if i miss anything please lmk!

Note: I hope you like it! There will definitely be more parts (don’t know how many just yet though.)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10

Chapter 11 - ‘You’re Mine’

The stadium was equally as rowdy after the match as it was before. Completely elated and electrified with the first Liverpool win of the season. Typically the families waited in the box for things to settle down and for the players to go through routine things like showers, brief game analysis, and then they would come up to them. Trent didn’t want that. He didn’t want the wait and he wanted you just to himself.

Saying rounds of goodbyes to friends Tyler and Marcel made their way out of the box, grabbing their coats, waving for you to come along. You followed in tow not really knowing your destination, no one filled you in how this all worked because it was second nature to them.

“I’m headed to the carpark, I’ll meet you there?” Marcel said to his brother which confused you.

“Yeah, just bringing Y/N to him then be there.” Tyler explained like you weren’t there and in turn filled you in on the plan. Tyler turned towards you as Marcel walked the opposite direction. “Trent just wants you alone, usually he pops up here but…” he just trailed off, not really interested in the details he’d be given about his brother’s desperation to see you.

“Oh okay. That’s fine.” You agreed, not really having any choice in the matter but giddy to be reunited with your man so soon. The walk was peculiar, it was like a red walled labyrinth. You went from the private level the box was on; seeing men in suits, pundits you recognized, a calmer environment, to corridors packed with the general admission, away fans scattered sparsely, images of Trent adorned on the walls caught your eye every so often. When you had been to Anfield before you’d ogle at him, but you were analyzing the photos to see how much he’s matured knowing the face well now. Tyler held his hand against your upper back to make sure not to lose you. His job to get you to Trent was almost complete. The oddest part of the maze was the end when you entered a bleak hallway downstairs with plenty of security guards, you could hear discussions about the game, some men yelling in what seemed like excitement, Tyler knew exactly where he was going but you were lost just tailing him.

While you snaked your way through Anfield, Trent cruised through his usual post match routine, showered off, packing up his things. He thankfully didn’t have any media duties to go do so he was attempting to slip out of the dressing room unnoticed and quickly. He failed horribly.

“Fresh trim, smelling nice, new tracky on…. Ooohoohooo” Dom called out knowing why Trent had pulled himself together a little more than he usually would after a match

“My boy!!! Come on now! Sneaking out to find Miss America” Andy yelling the new name you had been dubbed within the team.

“I’m not sneaking out! Just gonna go see her… relax.” Trent said tucking his wash bag under his arm, adjusting one strap of his backpack trying to shove his excitement down.

“Bro… you’ve been glued to your phone for weeks, you’re itching to get out of here.” Dom continued.

“We could all go up and meet her!” Curtis suggested and was immediately met with a disapproving look from Trent.

“Absolutely not. Had Ty bring her down here anyways, I’m not subjecting her to all the chaos.” He explained. That genuinely was what Trent was doing. As exciting and romantic he thought the whole reunion would be, he wasn't naive enough to think that this place wasn’t going to be a little overwhelming and he wanted to protect you. He wanted you just for him after the match. “I’m out lads” Trent said, already walking out the room waving over his head, back turned to the boys.

“We have to go see this right?” Curtis deviously looked at Andy.

“Absolutely” Andy replied with a cheeky grin planning to snoop.

Tyler and you stood against a wall making small conversation. There were people in the corridor around you that seemed to have reason to be there but you weren’t sure what the purpose was, some more security, and further down the way was the now more obvious clue to where you were; large red double doors; the club’s emblem plastered to them tipped you off….the home team’s dressing room but Tyler remained mum.

Looking at his phone, Tyler was getting impatient, Trent was taking so long and Marcel was messaging him non stop asking what the hold up was.

“Do you mind if I head out? Marc is getting pissed and I don’t want to hear him bitch the whole ride home. He’ll be right out, swear…. You’ll be okay?” He asked with such a soft smile you could tell he felt bad. Despite your raging anxiety you chose to lie calmly.

“I’ll be okay, thank you so much for looking after me today.” You giggled a little because he really did look after you.

“It was nothing. Honest. I’ll see you later.” He said leaning in for a hug.

“If I’m still waiting here in the morning, I may text for you to come bring me back to the airport.” You joked giggling a little in an attempt to suppress your nerves.

“Deal” he said before he tapped at your arm walking away. He was so big brother coded. It was nice and made you feel safe.

You leaned one shoulder against the wall, nervous that you might get questioned or in trouble for being down in this clearly very private area. You stayed put though, eyes assessing what unfolded in front of you, it felt like you were in a behind the scenes documentary for a moment causing you to imagine the player you were dying to see appear. You tried not to but your eyes kept reverting back to the red doors, praying for them to open. God, you were so on edge, any notification that appeared on your phone was causing serious heart palpitations, none of them from him yet.

You heard a door open behind you further away from the red one that held your gaze, but the noise of doors opening and closing has been non stop due to the traffic of people the entire time since you had first stood with Tyler so you ignored it, trying to look like you belonged, unphased, heart still palpitating.

It wasn't less than a moment later when your heart fully stopped. You felt warm hands slide around your exposed waist, a body pressed against your back, a familiar pair of plump lips ghosted behind your ear, a warm amber scent engulfing you.

“Who would ever keep such a beautiful, beautiful girl waiting for so long.” Hearing his sultry voice sent your body almost into shock, you wanted to cry. You grabbed his big hands on your stomach turning yourself around to face him staying wrapped in his arms. It was your Trent. You were back in your Trent’s arms.

“Oh my god, T!” you whined trying so hard to hold back tears. He pulled you tighter to him, his forehead pressing to yours. Your faces were so close you actually could barely see his. Your lips instinctively crashed into his. It was absolute heaven, you never felt more relief than you did in this moment, finally kissing him again. It was magnetic like before and following old habits it heated up quite quickly into more of a make out. You pulled away reluctantly hearing the people continue to rush around in the area.

“Sorry, sorry, I don’t even know if I can do that” you paused starting to get nervous given you were technically at his place of work “…you know here.” You said peeling your body away from him gesturing around you.

“Baby…” he cooed, his voice was so smooth now hearing it again in person, it was like dripping honey. “You can kiss me absolutely anywhere you want.” Grabbing at your body pulling you back to him. He kissed you sweetly again, pressing you to him.

“Fuck, I missed you so much.” His lips moved against yours. His head was completely gone having you back in front of him, his hands sliding down to your ass kneading it shamelessly. Before he grabbed you harder, stronger, picking you up, your legs coming to wrap around his waist, you smiled openly at the PDA blocking out your surroundings. Your nose brushed against his, your arms draped around his neck.

“Kiss you anywhere? Hmm?” You mused suggestively, placing another deep kiss on his lips. Your nails scratched at the back of his head causing him to purr.

Tucked behind a wall where the corridor rounded were the prying eyes of Andy and Curtis spying on the reunion. They were slapping at each other like children stupidly gawking at your appearance and poking fun at their friend and how he managed to pull this off. Taking mental notes on what to give Trent a hard time about when they returned to training.

“C’mere baby,” Trent kissed you once more before slowly letting you slide down his body back to stand on your own two feet.

“Never letting you go again.” He said, your eyes unable to break from his. You missed his gorgeous face now able to really see tiny freckles, a dimple in his smile, the warm hue in his eyes.

“Pretty, pretty boy” you cooed, stroking your hand over his high cheekbone before cupping his cheek. “Never. Ever.” You punctuated with another kiss.

He slid his hands up and down your arms, feeling your skin, his eyes inspecting every inch, taking all of you in, before his fingers dragged down to lace between yours.

“Coming home with me?” He asked a question he didn’t need to. You were impetuous to be anywhere near him tonight.

“Yeah huh” you nodded eagerly like a child.

“So you wanna go, beautiful?” He asked calmly, feeling anything but.

“Please” you gave him a devastatingly innocent look.

“Come on sweet girl.” He pulled you into his chest, arms wrapping tight around you, placing a kiss on your forehead. He released you a little squeezing your hand, keeping his intertwined with yours pulling it along with his arm to wrap around your waist, yours comfortablely but awkwardly bending with his. You leaned your head into him as you walked down the corridor towards the player’s car park.

“Baby, I didn’t even get to tell you how amazing you were tonight. Was such a good start, no?” You cooed, pulling at his arm, unable to take your eyes off him, proud of him.

“Yeah, was good. I just liked having you there. Did you have an okay time?” He asked sincerely “over here” he interjected, first directing you towards his car.

“Yeah, course.” You confirmed “so, do you blow kisses to every girl you bring, T?” you asked teasing but were quite serious needing to know because the little action had your stomach doing flips. You needed to know if it meant anything to him or not. He let go of you, resting his hand on his car leaning towards you, his face coming closer.

“Never. Would only do that for you.” He cooed before pressing his lips against yours softly. You just hummed pulling away finally taking a moment to look at a wider angle of your surroundings breaking from the tunnel vision you had just on his face. He was stunning, just jaw dropping beautiful. He was in a black Nike tech unzipped, opened, wearing a Liverpool t-shirt carrying his white Goyard wash bag. Everything about him was just so fresh, even the car he was leant on. It was sleek, the windows tinted almost opaque, everything matte black, not too different from his brothers although his was the latest Range Rover. His eyes bore into you watching you process the moment before interrupting your thoughts.

“Did I tell you how good you look?” His words laced with a little lust reaching out to pull at the hem of his jersey you had worn.

“You think?” You played coy swaying a little subtlety showing him your body.

“Don’t give me that, baby.” He rolled his eyes thinking of all the times he practically begged you to believe that he thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. “Get in” he said, walking to the car door, opening it for you. You popped in eagerly. There was something kind of sexy about a man driving so you were preemptively turned on by the idea of Trent in the driver's seat. He got in soon after throwing his bags into the back seat casually. He handed you his phone, the Spotify app opened.

“All you, beautiful” he nodded implying you were going to be DJ. You hummed in agreement scrolling. You liked that he trusted you with his phone openly. It was a bare minimum thing but it felt reassuring. He pulled out of the car park with one hand on the wheel, you picked a song and your eyes grazed over the veins that appeared on his forearm but they were quick to drop to the sly tale buldge in his lap, the thought of him had you just about drooling. He smiled, catching your lude stare. You slide your hand over his leg, high up on his thigh, dangerously close to his dick. Your nails dug into his joggers playfully. You watched him grip the wheel tighter at the contact. Even the simplest touch from you had him collapsing.

You were pulling out of the stadium where it was dark but you could still see masses of people outside. With his free hand Trent grabbed at your hand stopping you from stroking your fingers against his inner thigh.

“Like it?” He said peeling your hand off him, his finger stroking across the ring with his initials he had gotten you. He then laced his fingers with yours, pressing the back of your hand to his lips holding it there.

“I love it. You didn’t have…” you were stopped mid sentence when a massive flash went off almost blinding you, your vision going white for a moment. You squeezed Trent’s hand hard in response, he lowered them from his lips as smaller shutters began to light up the car.

“Okay?” He asked calmly, ever composed.

“What the fuck. Insane… Is this normal?” You were utterly shocked, Trent just hummed a yeah to answer you. “Could’ve warned me a little, I feel like I’m going blind now.” You tried to joke but also were genuinely a little shaken. You blinked your eyes stunned trying to clear the white floating specs.

“It’s just like a thing when we leave, people wait around I guess for a photo. Sorry.” He apologized for something out of his control. You had driven out of the tightly lined streets surrounding the stadium when you managed to relax a little after the distress. You were quickly gathering what it was like to be in Trent’s world.

Your hand was back on his thigh, some J Cole song played through the car, you could tell Trent was absolutely exhausted. You didn’t pester him with more questions even though your head was filled with them, especially about the flash of photos taken leaving the stadium. You had been in the car for about 30 odd minutes when you got off a motorway pulling to a traffic light.

“Almost home” he broke the comfortable silence, leaning over to kiss your temple. His hand now resting atop yours. Maybe it was because you were also tired or because it was so dark but the roads seemed winding. He was taking a final turn onto his street when you reached over to place a kiss on his cheek.

“Tired?” You questioned simply in a soft quiet voice.

“Completely knackered” he replied in a similar tone. It almost made you sad but he spoke again before you could really dwell on it. “Glad you’re back with me though,” he assured you. Finally pulling into a long driveway, a massive house tucked far back at the end of it.

“Your house is so nice” you said plainly. Clearly you both were worn out as your conversation had slowed from flirting to just blank observations.

“It’s dark, you can barely see it, what are you on about?” He said with a familiar cheeky smile reappearing on his face.

“I can still tell!” You poorly defended your comment. He parked the car next to what felt like 10 others assuming there must be a lot of people here. He hopped out and came round to your door, opening it. He waited for you with his arms open.

“C’mere, yeah? Missed you so much.” He cooed, placing a kiss to your lips before letting you go, opening the other door to grab his things. You walked to the front of the house slowly, you because of nerves, Trent because he was sore. He unlocked the front door and gestured for you to step in first. A few lights were on and it was mostly quiet, but you could hear murmuring on a TV somewhere when you entered, a little surprised given the amount of cars. Trent dropped his bags immediately at the front door like a school boy, sighing. He grabbed your waist nuzzling into your neck but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t want to mess with your post match routine, so do what you have to do.” You spoke honestly not wanting to disrupt him.

“That include you?” He said toying with you before pressing a kiss behind your ear, his hand pulling at the waist of your pants only to let go and walk away.

“Hey!” You whined at the loss of contact and followed after him desperately. “Is ‘doing’ a girl usually a part of your routine?” You pretended to ask seriously with emphasis on the verb he had played on before.

“No, baby” he giggled entering his kitchen, grabbing a water, after offering you one silently.

“So do you just go to bed now or…?” You probed. He wasn’t talking much so you were grasping at straws at what to do. He wasn’t though, he was so cool and collected in the comfort of his home.

“Nah, my mind is racing right now, processing everything, minute by minute but my body is just done so I usually lay down. Go to the cinema room… any interest?” He spoke candidly at first and then a cheeky grin swept across his face before he asked about your interest level.

“Yuck! With you?” You pretended to be grossed out making a face playfully before he grabbed your waist ignoring you. You allowed him to push you around his house, walking with you in front of him, slapping at your ass on the way. He brought out such a childish side of you. You guys were mostly quiet knowing other people were home and it was late but giggles definitely echoed through the halls.

Trent collapsed onto a obscenely wide lounge chair, it was essentially a couch but he would say otherwise. There were a few of them tiered like a theater, framed jerseys hung on the walls, and the biggest tv screen you’ve ever seen in your life illuminated the otherwise fairly dark room. You sat on the corner edge away from him suddenly feeling your nerves take over..

“What you doing? Stop being weird and c’mere. I’m too tired to come and have to grab you.” Trent was cute but lazy, holding the remote.

“Stop! I’m nervous” you said embarrassed. He rolled his eyes before pouting his full lips, his puppy dog eyes sucking you in, silently begging you to come to him. You basically crawled across the chair before snuggling up into his side. His arm draped around you pulling you into him, your cheek laying on his chest. He pressed kisses to the top of your head and you gently placed your leg over his body. You were wrapped around him and had no intention of letting go.

“I never knew I would miss a cuddle this much” he muffled into your hair. “What do you wanna watch?” He said, holding you impossibly tight.

“I’m okay with anything. I just want to be close to you.”

“Yeah? Need you just a little closer, baby” he said pulling you further into his body. You nuzzled your face into his chest some more, shy at his sweet words.

“I’ve been watching this one show and…” Trent began to ramble, clear that now that his body could relax after the match, his racing mind was now spilling out. He talked so fast to you about something but it went in one ear and out the other unintentionally. You just looked up at him lost watching his perfect lips move, his big eyes light up, while you scratched your nails against the facial hair on his chin. Something you had quickly discovered that Trent had kept hidden from his media persona was just how nerdy he actually was. He was such a dork. You gushed over his beautiful animated face talked about something he knew way too much about.

“Like can you believe that?” His question caught you off guard.

“Yeah” you mused, still scratching his chin just yessing the pretty boy. Your head fell back into his chest, your hand too, your cheek squished into him more from the weight of his arm atop pressing into you. He would make small comments throughout the show filling you in about something important or who a character was but you were fighting to keep your eyes open. It was so warm and comfortable in his embrace. In a sleepy state, you pulled the hem of his t-shirt up, your nails now drawing over his abs absentmindedly. Although your thoughtless touch wasn't going unnoticed by Trent. He was starting to get hard just at your hands proximity to his cock but the patterns you were tracing on his skin slowed, stopping entirely as you dozed off pacified by his scent and his hand running up and down your spine. When you didn’t even hum a response to one of his questions, he leaned forward a little peering around you only to see your eyes had closed, your features now softened. You looked like an angel, he held you tighter kissing your head in disbelief at how he felt about you. You were all consuming.

“You’re mine baby, not letting you go. You’re absolutely perfect” he whispered to you, asleep peacefully.

“Bro, what a game though!” Marcel just about yelled walking into the cinema room. Causing Trent to snap his head towards the doorway, then quickly back to you, nervous his brother's voice might have disturbed you.

“Yeah, I thought it went well,” Trent replied in a much quieter, gentler tone holding you to him, his hand still rubbing your back.

“Shit, sorry,” Marcel said softer now, seeing you cuddled up not moving.

“You’re good. She’s been out. I was just working the hours in my head, she’s been up for ages.” His brows furrowed, face scrunching trying to do the math.

“Bless” his brother's thoughtful response surprised him but you seemed to have that effect on people where you just grew and grew seeping into their hearts.

“Yeah” Trent said just staring at you. His hand moving to tuck a piece of hair out of your face.

“We actually had a good time tonight, ya know?” Marcel filled his brother in on your time spent together. His heart warmed that you fit so nicely into his life and right now in his arms.

“This is actually the best I’ve ever felt post-match, not sure if it was the new fitness program or what…” Trent said trailing off trying to distract Marcel from seeing him be so tender, rapidly falling more for you in front of him.

“Yeah, that’s what it is…” Marcel rolled his eyes, the evident change in Trent’s routine wasn’t fitness it was tucked in his arms. Trent knew he was caught out but that didn’t stop him from continuing to pepper kisses on your forehead he thought were subtle. The boys fell silent soon avoiding the subject of Trent’s obvious feelings.

Eventually, Marcel headed to bed leaving Trent still completely intertwined and enthralled with you. The episode he was watching concluded and he decided his night should too. Contrary to what he first thought, Trent was okay just going to sleep with you in his arms but he wasn't going to let you sleep downstairs, you needed a proper bed.

“Baby” he whispered, placing light kisses all over your face but you didn’t budge, only further settling into him.

“Baby, come..” he cooed, attempting to peel your arms from his body. “Let’s go.” He tried speaking once more, finding a bit more success this time.

“Hmm?” You hummed lifting your head a little bit only to place your chin back down on his chest.

“Let’s go” he tried once more, this time your eyes more open fixating on him. It dawned on you staring into his darkening brown eyes that your hand was still under Trent’s shirt dangerously close to the waistband of his joggers.

“Where T?” you said sleepily but there was a little fire behind your tired eyes. His intention of just sleeping tonight was changing.

“My room.” He told you sternly but feigned a terrible effort to move you off him. He could easily just pick you up if he wanted. He instead conceded to your stubbornness that was laced with obvious desire letting you now play with the drawstring of his joggers.

“So you wanna sleep with me?” You mused, pressing your hips down into him. You rolled your body in to his, his hands stroking down your sides to grab the bottom of your top starting to fuss with it, teasing you.

“I want you in my bed.” He looked at you now with passion igniting behind his eyes before his lips came crashing into yours. You were like messy teenagers making out in his house, your hand more bravely slipping down into his pants.

“We’re going to bed now” pulling away, he sat up, taking your hand away and you off him, calming the steamy situation you were trying to start. You moaned, biting back trying to grab his lip with your teeth. He just shook his head at your lack of restraint but he was loving every second of it. Feeding his ego ravenously.

Standing up, he finally used actual strength to pull you up too from the chair. You stumbled a little bit still sleepy so he wrapped his arms around you to steady you only to start another heated kiss. Your hands pulling at his clothes, you remembered you were wearing fancy lingerie when you felt it absolutely soaked between your thighs. You moaned into his mouth.

“Gimme” you giggled greedily and childishly trying to get his shirt off, only for him to shut you down.

“Nah, baby. My bed now.” He said it so aggressively it should’ve felt hurtful or like an insult but instead it had you even more desperate for him.

He grabbed both your shoulders harshly and physically turned you away from him, his hand coming to grip your ass, his lips to your neck.

“Do you wanna go to my bed, baby?” You felt his breath on your neck, your pussy flutter. You tried to suppress a moan but failed miserably

“Yeah” you whimpered quietly, your hand reaching behind you to grab onto his body only to be swatted away. You walked out of the room obediently, he trailed you, his last name still on your back making way to his room had him struggling to focus on getting up the stairs. You two were fairly quiet navigating through the dimly lit house. You’d turn back to him looking for directions not knowing where you were going. He didn’t want to just tell you, having you under his command was getting him off.

•

Thank you for continuing reading! Let me know what you think 🤍

Next Part - Chapter 12 xx

[deer-with-a-stick]

Idk if the people complaining about the BG3 endings are D&D players or not but like...this does feel like the ending of a campaign y'know. Sacrifices are made, people are stubborn and time is short so sometimes you have to choose between npcs who could have worked together but won't, and the thing with character arcs.

If you finished them, the companions' arcs are complete emotionally I think (except for Karlach rip, although I hope Larian does make up for it. Late-addition I guess :/). Lae'zel breaks free of her indoctrination, Shadowheart discovers who she is and now has the choice to decide who she can be, Astarion's learned enough things about himself that he's almost a completely different character by the end of it, Gale's gotten over Mystra and over his constant need to be better and stronger (this is all assuming the "Good Endings"), Wyll's broken his pact with Mizora and it makes sense for his character to keep trying to help people, whether that's by becoming the Blade of Avernus or otherwise.

Life goes on after the campaign ends. Characters move on, and for characters like the BG3 ones, where it ended at level 12, it makes sense that they wouldn't settle down in a place to chill and have a fairytale ending. They have the last tiny part of their stories to complete.

I think the reason it funnels a little right at the big moment (where it ends up being "Choose Orpheus or the Emperor," and "Choose who to become the illithid or let Gale explode") is because for these big last boss fights, there tends to have to be a sacrifice. I know there might be some bugs or whatnot, or people wanted more knowledge about what was going to happen to everyone else, but this is still a roleplaying game? Should I remind you that in BG3, you are, in fact, roleplaying as Tav/Origin Character?

That's the reason why you learn more about what a companion does after defeating the Netherbrain if you play as them and why if you play as Tav, you don't know what comes next.

For the few D&D campaigns I've played, at the end of it, it's always just been the players deciding individually what happens to the characters. Sometimes, they've died. Sometimes, they've continued adventuring and end up making appearances in the next campaigns, and sometimes they just had their fairytale ending. (From what I've seen the ending is quite a bit bugged and once Larian fixes that it'll probably please a bunch of people. My thoughts are incredibly disjointed right now but hjkrhlakjsdfh)

Those open-ended endings are good, I think. Lae'zel's always been a fighter, regardless of whether it was because of Vlaakith or not. She's always been steadfast in her beliefs and will stop at nearly nothing to make sure she accomplishes what she's set her mind to. She's got a code of honor, even if that code might skew towards "evil," so it makes complete sense that she would want to return to the Astral Plane to stop Vlaakith. What becomes of her and her mission, we don't know, because Tav, in that moment, is not in the Astral Plane with Lae'zel.

Shadowheart's arc was about reclaiming herself, so to speak. And that's hard when you've been brainwashed by a goddess for the majority of your life. Ironically, the whole theme of "Loss" is always prevalent, whether it's because she serves Shar or because she's let her parents go. Unlike Lae'zel, her purpose now is something vague: live your life. She doesn't know what exactly to do, so she heads off by herself. She doesn't know where she's going exactly, and so therefore Tav wouldn't either.

Astarion's ending pissed people off, and I do kind of wish that if you kept Gale's True Resurrection scroll, you could cure him, but it makes sense I suppose. If you kept him from becoming Vampire Ascendent, it signifies that he's finally free of Cazador and that he's finally free of his near all-consuming quest for power. The ability to walk in the sun is a power, and when he burns after the tadpoles die, it's because he's given up that power earlier, but is a better person because of that. I believe that if you do an Astarion Origin ending, it turns out that he heads to the Underdark to lead the vampire spawn because he's taking responsibility. He's becoming a leader where Cazador had been a tyrant

For Gale, his entire storyline is just him walking on a knife's edge. He's somewhere between desperately trying to live and trying to find some convenient time to die, between loving Mystra and hating her, between wanting more power and being content with what he has. The end (find the crown, give it to mystra) is a fitting ending I think. I honestly don't think Mystra's a very good goddess to hold the attention of, but he realizes that a) he's got a little obsessive and b) he doesn't need more power and that he'll be content just to be Gale Dekarios. So it makes sense for him to quite literally just settle down somewhere. He doesn't have the urge to make himself stronger and better constantly, and he won't end up killing all of Waterdeep. He's free to live at home, do wizard things, and have Tara yell at him for poor life choices.

And Wyll's Blade of Avernus ending makes sense (even if he didn't sell his soul to Mizora forever: I think you can get this ending if you save his father anyway). He's got his hero complex. His daddy issues aren't so much a problem and the pact is gone (you can break the pact and then hurry to the prison I believe), but he's going to keep fighting, keep being a hero. If Karlach's dying, he's definitely the kind of person to jump at the chance to help her, even if that means going to Avernus. Besides, he can keep killing demons and devils there.

I will agree that its a bit annoying (because again, I definitely think that Act 1 is the most thought-through and polished piece, and there are bugs abound in Act 2 and 3) but seeing Larian's response so far (we've got Patch 1 and 2 confirmed already, with the possibility of a DLC not off the table), people who were disappointed should still have hope.

Just be warned that the perfect fairy tale ending probably isn't possible, but your companions will still be happy. This isn't new: take LOTR for example. Faramir's father and brother are still dead, but at the end of everything, he'll still be happy. He'll have some more action when he cleans out Minas Ithil, but in the end, despite everything he's lost, he'll be happy. Frodo is heavily scarred by his experience, and perhaps it's not the best ending per say, by the end of the day, people and life move on, and we know that Frodo will be happy in Valinor.

(This is unfiltered rambling I'll probably edit or delete this later)

(This is also probably because I love the bittersweet endings, although I understand that most people probably hate them)

[findingnemosworld]

𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 - 𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐤 𝐬𝐳𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐬𝐳𝐥𝐚𝐢

・𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲: 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬

( 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭 )

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐝𝐮𝐞, 𝐢 𝐚𝐦 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐲, 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐜!!!

" Fiú " He whispers as he securely held the newborn in his arms, as he added " You’re a miracle, do you know that? " his gaze shifts towards her as she slept soundly on the hospital bed, " You almost gave me a scare, you and your Anya too – but I knew that you were protected, that you’d be the miracle to light up our lives "

His mind draws back to the day she disclosed the news, the elation as well as the nerves that had engulfed him almost instantly, the notion of becoming a father, much less a young father had indeed terrified him, especially given the fact that it felt almost as if history was repeating itself, his parents were young when they had him; his father wasn’t exactly the typical father he’d seen growing up.

It wasn’t a secret that his relationship with his father had long lasting impacts that weren’t at all discussed until he became an adult and was able to build a healthy set of boundaries yet every now and then, the fear of becoming his father would crawl up throughout the grueling months, however he was grateful for her; as she had come at a time when all hope was lost for him only for it to be restored with the birth of his son, Matheus.

" I never had the picture perfect childhood growing up, Fiú " He proceeds, smiling as his son small hand gently gripped his index digit before he added on, " Your nagyapa had a set of rules that I followed to become what he wanted, sure I love football, and I’m grateful that it allowed me and your nagyapa to still have somewhat of a relationship, but … " he lets out a soft sigh as the thoughts of becoming his father crawled back once again.

He finally manages to speak up in the softest of tones," I want you to grow up and be the best man I know you can be, the kind of man that stands in the face of any hardships put in front of him, I want you to grow up living your life to its fullest potential, not worrying about the past … " he paused, recalling the grueling hours he’d spend with his father training to be the ‘best footballer’ he wanted him to be.

" I don’t want you to feel that you have to be a football player just to please me Fiú, I want you to choose what you love; I’ll support you wholeheartedly in any path you choose, me and your Anya too " He said with a soft smile.

" Your Anya will tell you this over time, maybe before I do but things haven’t been easy for me – my bond with your Nagyapa was all about football so much so that when I grew up, I had to build a lot of walls between us, I love him but I’m also angry at him which is why when you grow up, I want us to always be able to speak to each other, and for you to not feel like you have to hide anything "

He chuckles to himself, recalling how he had to hide his relationship with Matheus’s mother for nearly three years before he was finally able to disclose his love affair to his parents, his mother had been so elated while his father seemed less than thrilled yet remained as composed as he can, " Your Anya and I had to sneak away more than once so if you ever find a girl, don’t hide her from me or your Anya "

" And … " He paused, his voice becoming shaky as tears began to roll down his cheeks before he added on, " I promise you Fiú that you and your Anya will never need anything, I promise you that I’ll never become my father, that I will be the best Apa you’ll ever have "

He leans down to press a father light kiss to the top of Matheus’s head, unaware of the fact that she had heard just about everything he said, tears brimming in her eyes — she knew the struggles he had faced with his own father, so to hear him utter such words was the confirmation she needed that he was the right choice.

Since his birth, Dominik had become a brand new man — a hands on father despite his very grueling schedule, he still managed to make time for the two of them, especially Matheus, she could see it in his eyes everytime he held him, he was in love with the notion of parenthood so much so that on one evening, while she was making dinner, she hears a loud cheer causing her to poke her head out of the kitchen in confusion, " What’s wrong? "

Dominik and Matheus were in the living room, he picked the boy up causing the baby to giggle, he looks up and says. " He walked baba, our baby boy walked "

Her eyes widened, a soft smile across her lips. " Really? "

" Yes, hang on let me set him down again " He said, excitedly standing up on the end of the living room, " Gyerünk fiam, gyere az apádhoz, édesem! "

She watches as Matheus struggles to stand up, leaning against the couch before he began to waddle in leisure steps towards Dominik, walking the entire trail until he fell into his father’s arms, a sob escaped her lips at the sight. " Oh my goodness " she whispers.

" Oh I’m so proud of you " He murmurs, embracing Matheus who giggled softly in his arms, " I’m so proud you fiú, you’re truly an angel my sweet boy "

She walks up to them then sits down, " I told you, he’s your son " she murmurs, pressing a soft kiss on the top of Matheus’s head then on top of his head. " My sweet boys "

Dominik grins, " Matheus, what do you say we go and make something for your Anya while she cooks us food hm? "

She giggles, " Domi, the box of handmade gifts is full, no need for more "

" If I can give you the world I would, you’ve given me a reason to live " He embraced Matheus then leaned in to peck her lips.

She smiles, " You are something else Dominik Szoboszlai "

He grins, " And don’t you forget it? " he stands up with Matheus in his arms as they walk to his nursery.

She watches them, with a soft smile across her lips – if someone would have told her that the sweet boy she met in the park would end up becoming the father of her baby, she would have definitely fought to the moon and back at the time, knowing just how much they struggled with his father viewing their relationship as a liability, they have definitely crossed the hurdles to get this far.

Later, that night as Dominik crawled under the covers, he pulls her into his embrace, nuzzling his face in the curvature of her neck drawing out a giggle from her, " Did he fall asleep? " she asked.

" He did thankfully " He chuckles before adding on, " And now his apa needs some loving too "

She rolls her eyes, " Domi " she groans playfully, " We literally had two rounds in the shower earlier " she reminds him of what they’d done before picking up Matheus from Trent and Lilly’s house.

He grunts then whispers against her neck peppering soft kisses in between," I’m sorry for loving you so much that all I can think about is my cock buried deep inside of you "

He managed to draw out a laugh from her, " I can’t believe you … "

He caged her in his arms then pecked her lips before murmuring softly, " Gyerünk, kislány, kérlek. "

" You better be quick, you know how Matheus gets " She states with a playfully warning tone.

He grins, " I’ll be as quick as Sonic "

She giggles as they hastily sneak in a quickie before exactly fifteen minutes later, Matheus’s cries were heard from his nursery, she shakes her head then sits up. " I’ll check up on him " she pecks his lips then slips on his shirt before walking out of their bedroom.

Dominik sits up as well, still finding it hard to believe that this was his life, parenthood at this age wasn’t a facile task, yet he wouldn’t have it any other way — getting to experience this chapter with the love of his life all the while his career was flourishing was everything he could have hoped for and then some.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her footsteps, she returns to her position under the covers and said, " I swear if he was able to talk … he’d be worse than you when I’m distracted by work "

He chuckles at her remark, whenever she was occupied by paperwork as well as assignments for the newspaper she worked for, he’d become somewhat akin to a child; would do anything and everything to get her attention. " Don’t act like you don’t like it when I behave like a child baba " he murmured

She giggles, " I do, I do … in some cases "

He tugs her back in his arms before replying to her statement, " In that case, let me be a baby then and cuddle you "

" By all means " She whispers, her digits threading through his hair as he buried his face in her neck.

_

A year had passed before they could make sense of it; Matheus had grown up significantly since then — becoming more aware of his surroundings, that prompted her to take him to the final match of the season, Liverpool were going up against Manchester City to finally be crowned with the Premier League championship, what a grueling match it had been for both sides, she sat in the box with Matheus in her arms as they watched the action unfold.

It wasn’t a secret that each time these teams met, it was a game of high stakes and this time was no different — both teams weren’t relenting that easy, hence why the first half had ended with a negative 0-0 draw, she held onto Matheus as she sat next to his parents, his mother turns to her and smiles. " I’m so glad that he has you in his life kedves "

She smiled at the remark then said, “ We are lucky " she gestures to Matheus who was babbling in her arms.

The pair conversed until the second half was well underway – Matheus was now sitting on his grandmother’s lap as she watched the action unfold again, she knew just how important this game was for Dominik, ever since he had joined Liverpool he set out to achieve great heights, having won the Europa League, EFL cup and the Carabao cup, the Premier League was just the icing on the cake.

" I’m scared " She murmurs.

His mother smiles softly, " I wouldn’t worry kedves, Dominik knows what he’s doing "

Indeed, right then at the 89th minute, Alexis Mac Allister had been tackled by Kyle Walker this resulting in a penalty being given to Liverpool — whilst the crowd had naturally expected Mohammed Salah to be the one to take the penalty, the Egyptian had given the ball to Dominik who placed it on the pitch to mentally prepare himself for the penalty.

Her hand clutched her necklace as she closed her eyes silently praying to herself up until she hears a ripple of cheers causing her to open her eyes, witnessing Dominik be embraced by his teammates as the scoresheet changed to 1-0 for Liverpool.

" He did it! " She squeals, grabbing Matheus to embrace him before embracing his mother. " I am so happy "

" I told you kedves, I told you he’d do it " His mother smiles.

Later on, the families of the players were lead on the pitch — Dominik ran towards them, embracing them both before planting a soft kiss on her lips, " Did you see that baba? " he whispers.

" I did " She giggles, " And so did Matheus, we’re so proud of you my love "

He embraces them again then takes Matheus from her, where some of the players and their children were playing together, she pulls out her phone to snap pictures of the pair while his parents watched on, his father was even joyous with pride over how much Dominik had achieved both as a player and a person. He looks at her then says, " You’ve changed him for the better, köszönöm lányom "

She smiles, " he changed our lives, I wouldn’t have asked for a better father to Matheus "

Their attention was suddenly drawn to Matheus who waddled and kicked the ball into the net, being cheered by the fans still in the stadium celebrating Liverpool’s win, Dominik was so joyous that like a child he cheered on his son loudly, Matheus giggling at his father’s reactions, she turns to her father in-law and says, " You’re proud of him, right? "

" Beyond proud " His father murmurs before returning back to his wife.

She makes her way towards Dominik, and giggles. " Do you reckon he’ll be as good as his apa and nagyapa? "

He chuckles embracing her as they watched Matheus run around with Luis’s daughter, he looks at her then says, " I’ll support him with whatever he chooses but I won’t lie, if he chooses to be a footballer I’ll also be happy "

She beams at his remark, " You’re the best father Domi "

He proceeds to embrace her and murmur in her ear, " Thank you for making me a father baba "

A week had passed since the celebrations, Dominik had been given a brief period of rest that he decided to take full advantage of by spending every waking moment with Matheus while she had managed to catch up with the work she had, it wasn't facile yet she was grateful for every moment even the messy ones, as one night - she returned home to the sound of giggles coming from Matheus which drew confusion across her features, those giggles could only mean one thing, he was roped into something by his father despite being a one year old, " Boys, I'm home! "

" In the kitchen! "

She placed her shoes and bag on the side before walking into the kitchen to find the most amusing sight, Matheus was in his chair, his face smeared with chocolate while specs of flour and cocoa are splattered across the counter. Dominik, who was dressed in an apron and a pair of shorts grins before greeting her, " Well hello baba "

" Hello indeed " She giggles, reaching over to peck his cheek before cooing. " Hi Matheus, Hi baby "

He pouts playfully then says, " How come he gets a proper greeting and I don't? "

She giggles then reaches over to press soft kisses across his cheek before replying, " Hi my sweet lovely fiancé who is more childish than our one year old "

He chuckles, " That's more like it "

" Domi, why is Matheus covered in chocolate? " She asks.

He shrugs, " I want my boy to experience all that life has to offer so while I'm baking a cake for you, I decided that he should be my personal taster "

" Domi, he's one " She giggles, watching as their baby babbled softly.

" So? " He shrugs nonchalantly, " I want him to enjoy life baba, come on "

The dejection was evident though his tone, Dominik had lived quite a daunting childhood thanks to the grueling hours of training, she gives him a soft smile then says, " I understand but be careful ok " she murmurs.

He tilts his head to peck her lips and smiles, " I promise I will "

She nods then replies, " I'm going to change then join you two before you do something worse than this " she giggles.

He gives her a cheeky slap on her ass causing her to blush, " Dominik, not in front of your son " she whisper shouts.

He chuckles as she walked out of the kitchen - then turns to Matheus, " Fiú, when you find a girl that you love deeply, always make sure to pay attention to what she needs, your Anya is one a kind Fiú, and I've been lucky enough to get her to notice me " he smiles, recalling the nerve wrecking period of time he had underwent courting her in secrecy. " If you're as lucky as your Apa, you'll find a girl as lovely as your Anya "

Matheus babbles and giggles as he says, 'Apa' repeatedly causing him to smile and say, " That's right "

_

Four years had passed in the blink of an eye, Matheus was five; had displayed incredible skills in football thanks to school practice, and while Dominik was afraid of history repeating itself, she had silenced his fears and assured him that as long as he shows his support, it will all go well - He tried to calm himself, reminding himself that he wasn't his father, that even if Matheus ventures into football, he won't subject him to the rigorous routine he had experienced growing up.

One evening, on their way home - Dominik had noticed that Matheus was quiet, far too quiet than what he usually was spurring him to ask, " Fiú, is something wrong? "

" I'm fine Apa! " Matheus responds, looking out the window.

A sense of dread washes over him, images flash right in front of his eyes of how he used to behave if something disturbed him growing up, " Are you sure Fiú? " he asks with a soft tone.

Matheus remained silent for what seemed like a lifetime, before he asked. " Apa, how do you know you're in love? "

Relief washes over him upon hearing the question, coupled with a sense of nostalgia as he too had been in the exact same position - he remained silent, contemplating on how to respond before he replied with a soft tone, " Well ... when life becomes brighter, when you start to enjoy seeing colors everywhere, when -um- ... when you feel like you cannot live a day without the person that you love "

Matheus hums before he said, " Is that how you feel whenever you see Anya? "

He grins, then hums softly. " I was your age when your Anya stole my heart, and it hasn't been the same sense - Now tell me, who stole your heart? "

Matheus chews on the inside of his cheek before he said, " There's this girl on the girl's team, whenever the coaches gather the boys and girl's team ... I, I see her and ... " he pauses, blushing.

" Go on Fiú, what's her name? " He asks with a gentle tone.

" Beatrice, but the girls call her Trixie, she's a midfielder Apa, like me and she's so good, like ... every time I see her, I can't look away " Matheus sighs softly, a soft smile across his face.

Dominik had to hold back a soft chuckle, as much like him in that age, Matheus was definitely enamored by the girl in question, " Did you tell her? " he asks him.

Matheus shakes his head, " I'm scared Apa, what if she says she doesn't like me? "

He hums softly then replies, " You'll never know unless you try, but I understand Fiú, I mean it took me a while before I told Anya that I loved her "

" So should I wait? " Matheus wonders.

" No, I have a better idea " He grins.

The father-son duo finally reach their home; as they walked in, they were met by the smiling face of his wife who says, " He looks overly excited! " she gestures to Matheus, Dominik chuckles as he placed his shoes away, he then walks up to her to greet her with a soft and passionate kiss before he said, " Our son is in love! "

She giggles, " in love? " she echoed.

Dominik smiles as he recounts what Matheus had said, " Yeah, I picked him up from training and he said, he's crushing on a young midfielder from the girl's team "

" Aw, my baby is all grown up " She cooed, " what else did he say? "

He recounted every detail by saying, " The way he described her, I could have sworn I was looking at myself "

She smiles softly, " Your mother did say you were always beaming when you talked about me "

" It made sense baba, you're my soulmate " He murmurs pecking her lips before he said, " I'm gonna go freshen up then come and help you "

She nods then retreats to the kitchen, around twenty minutes later, Dominik reappears to help her set dinner up - the pair would converse over anything and everything while Matheus was in his room, " So? " she began with a soft tone, " I asked my mother if she would come and watch over Matheus, and since football is almost over, I figured ... we can go on a mini vacation "

His brows shot up, as he heard her suggestion. " Where to? "

" Well Juliana and Kostas recommended so many beautiful places in Greece, it'll be nice to explore what it has to offer for a few weeks before we head back to real life " She states with a soft and hopeful tone.

He stands behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder as he said. " I would love that, a few weeks of just of the two of us, and no interruptions when I get you under the sheets "

Her face grows warm, " You haven't grown up at all huh? "

" When it comes to you, I'll forever be the horny love struck teen who's enamored by everything you do " He murmurs, pecking her cheek before retreating back to where he stood earlier.

Once dinner was set, Dominik grabbed the dishes to set the dinner table up - Suddenly he hears her say, " Matheus, a vacsora kész ", the tone reminded him of the times in which his mother would call him while he would spend more time in his room to avoid eating the specific meals set up for him, when Matheus did not respond, she repeats the same phrase with clear annoyance, " Matheus, a vacsora kész!!! "

He saunters into the kitchen, " Baba, maybe you just need to be patient! " he says softly, in an attempt to calm his raging heartbeat.

" Domi, he needs to learn how to respond! " She sighs, " What is he doing anyway? "

" And he will ... you just " He sighs softly, " You just need to be more patient, please "

It was then that she noticed the sudden shift in his body language causing her to frown, " I'm sorry Domi, I let my annoyance get the best of me " she murmurs, squeezing his hand.

" It's fine " He assures her with a smile, " I just ... I don't want him to feel forced like I was, and besides ... " he chuckles softly, " He's probably lost in love with Trixie, I'll go check up on him "

She nods with a sweet smile, " Ok, but you two better come quickly before the food gets cold "

Dominik makes his way towards Matheus's room to find the five year old deeply engrossed in scribbling something, " Matheus, your Anya has been calling your name and you didn't answer " he states.

Matheus looks up, " I'm sorry, I was just ... trying to write a letter for Trixie "

He smiles, " I told you, I'll help out right, now let this be and we'll get it done tomorrow after school, go on ... apologize to Anya for not responding to her right away "

Matheus nods, running out of his bedroom to head to the kitchen where his mother was standing over the stove, he walks up to her and embraced her leg, " I'm sorry for not responding Anya " he murmurs.

She looks down and smiles before kneeling down to be at eye level with him, " It's ok baby, just make sure you're alert ok "

Matheus nods and embraces her, " Annyira szeretlek anya "

She smiles softly, " Én is szeretlek édes fiam "

The family of three finally sit at the dining table, Dominik observing his wife and son chatting with one another with a smile on his face - suddenly recalling how life had treated him then, leading up to this very moment, where he's surrounded by the unconditional love of both his wife and son, leading him to finally understand what his mother was saying all along.

If you're patient, you'll be blessed.

[a-town-called-hometown]

in regards to deltarune and character agency, i always assumed the darkners' agency being tied to the lightners' will was a direct parallel to the player character's agency (kris) being tied to the *player's* will (us), and that by making this the game's narrative (darkners are on a plane below lightners and are considered, in a way, less 'real', despite several having desires to break away from this hierarchy) the game is trying to call into question our relationship with the game itself, with the world itself. if the relationship between lightners and darkners feels unfair, then our relationship to kris should be in question as well. characters all have roles to play, but isn't that strange? why the prophecy, why the repetition, why do we, ultimately, have so much control? what gives us the right? it's all layers. us, lightners, darkners, imagine your whole world living and dying at the hands of gods that, out of boredom, could easily abandon you one day, or even destroy you? gods you were made to love and serve, and around you everyone says without them you can never be whole. who wouldn't want to rebel? i think if you're an advocate for kris's agency, you have to advocate for the darkners' agency. for ralsei's agency outside of kris or the prophecy or anything he's meant to do. i think kris and ralsei are narrative foils in this regard, one who blindly accepts his fate, and the other who tries to escape it, a character who does whatever he's told and a character who forcefully slips from our grasp. it just feels like set up to me for a lot more than 'escapism.' i'd say the main themes here are fate, agency, choice and control. even the mystery voice at the start of the game has their plans messed with by the other voice choosing to discard our vessel. every character is grasping at something they can't have, even ralsei can't have his narrative go the way he's planned because susie keeps surprising him lol

yes that's true!!! i would also argue that 'identity' is packaged in with these themes - deltarune is written in such a way where characters are not just grappling with fates and choices outside of their control, but also grappling with roles that they seemingly cannot escape.

the darkners are fantastical & metafictional version of this idea, given that they are both objects who need to be useful in order to not be abandoned and also npcs who serve an rpg-genre narrative function. ralsei especially fulfills several rpg archetypes as the friendly healer companion and as the guide npc. every major darkner has some kind of conflict involving the role they were made to play, whether it's lancer as "the bad guy" or spamton as "the spam email." even queen, who is extremely enthusiastic about her role, runs into issues because she is so zealous that she does not grasp what the lightners might actually want and need.

susie and noelle fulfill a more realistic version of this: the labels of bully and nice girl respectively are roles that neither of them exactly chose, but through a mix of environmental & psychosocial factors and a dose of self-fulfilling prophecy, neither of them know how to escape. berdly, while mostly comedic, is also a character who deals a lot with his real-world designation of "smart guy." susie breaks loose somewhat of her role in ch1, and we see noelle start to follow suit by the end of ch2. given that their existence isn't directly tied to their roles the way the darkners' are, it makes sense that they'd start to question and challenge these first.

kris, as befitting of their protagonist role, fulfills both versions of the idea. their role in the light world is an outcast who lives in their brother's shadow, and in the dark world, they're viewed as a prophesized hero. but they don't have full agency in either of these identities at all. they're being controlled by us, and the perceptions of them as an outcast and hero respectively are imposed onto them by other people.

meanwhile, almost all the other lightner npcs are different versions of characters we met in undertale. i would argue that this is another form of imposed identity, albeit one they aren't aware of. WE view them as their identities from undertale. I highly suspect that this will be something played with a lot more as future chapters go on.

the themes of choice & control all interlock with this idea of imposed identity. in a world where nobody can choose who they are, is it possible for people to eventually break out of what they are assumed to be...?

it's a game made to make us heavily question both a lot of rpg conventions and especially how we view characters in games. I'm very excited to see how the game will continue to play with its ideas of agency. it's such a brilliant idea to tell a story about fate by explicitly tying it to the way characters and worlds are written in games, and also by tying it to audience perceptions related to toby fox's last game. it's going to be so interesting to see how the characters deconstruct all those expectations!

[dutchdread]

How do you interpret the Aerith date handhold and the ending handhold if not romantic?

For the first one Cloud is overtly unreceptive to Aeriths attempts at making the date romantic until Aerith literally asks Cloud to essentially play along until the ride is over, which he then does in a rather over the top way, as shown by the way they exit the gondola. We can see how Cloud would act naturally in a situation where he's genuinely romantically interested in his date with Tifa and it's noticeably different. That is essentially the Cloud Aerith is trying to get out in the open, but she can't. In this scene Aerith has opened her heart concerning Zack and is clearly going through a range of emotions and after Aerith asks him to play along he tries comforting her by indulging her. Remember, while Cloud isn't romantically interested in Aerith he still considered her a dear friend, he almost acts brotherly here I'd say.

The ending is slightly different, but not that much. Hell, the entire segment again starts with Aerith asking Cloud to play along. First I need to point out though, they didn't hold hands, Cloud held hands with a spirit or something similar, and yes that does matter. Reason being that this entire interaction must be viewed in the context of this spiritual dreamlike state. This is a spiritual connection, not a physical one. Before this Aerith and Cloud have essentially confirmed what they mean to each other, they're very important to each other, but they're not "like that". Their bond here is more spiritual than sexual or romantic, and that's what the handholding signifies, it's essentially a symbol for platonic love. The better question you should ask yourself is, if Aerith is supposed to be romantic, why did Tifa get a kiss and not her? Aerith is dying any way, if the developers wanted to make Aerith the intended love interest, or even if they wanted to make it players choice, they could have easily given Cloud and Aerith a kiss. It would have made it a bit awkward when Cloud gets with Tifa after the lifestream sequence, but with some work you could use his fake persona and memory loss to write it in a way where Cloud doesn't come across as a total dirtbag. Can't do the same in reverse though. A Cloud that kisses Tifa but then holds hands with Aerith would be an extremely problematic MC if the handholding is supposed to be a romantic gesture. Essentially you'd be saying that there is a version of this story where our heroic MC is cheating. I know that IRL a kiss doesn't equal a relationship, but remember, this isn't IRL, this is a story. If Cloud kisses his childhood friend, which in many playthroughs he does, and then without ever addressing it with her starts performing romantic acts with another woman then we have an issue. A kiss is not a sign just of love, but a very specific kind, one with urges and desires. It's exactly that thing that Cloud and Aerith lack. Cloud and Tifa get the romantic sexual signifier of love, because that's how they love each other, romantically. Aerith and Cloud get the platonic gesture of love, because that's how they love each other, symbolically, perhaps even spiritually, but platonically. Which is why the handholding is not a betrayal of Tifa, for exactly the same reason it wasn't a betrayal of my girlfriend when I held my grandmothers hand when SHE was dying, because that was the type of love being displayed.

Thanks for the question.

[onceonafullmoon]

Character Analysis Yaps

Part 1: Sae

Aka just some rambles about Sae and his personality, not really proof read

I think Sae as a character is sort of convoluted, but not necessarily for the reasons most people would think. In terms of soccer when you view him he seems sort of unreachable, after all, he is a prodigy and he’s got a great brain. But who is Sae outside of that bubble of soccer?

Well, he’s a blunt, singularly focused, asshole type of guy… but I think he’s also someone who values domesticity and comfort, and that he’s someone who deeply cherishes his close ones.

I think a great example of this is apparent with his brother. But he’s been shown to take the fall for Rin consistently when he messed up (ex. Rin breaking his toys) and even being there to comfort Rin when Rin wonders if no one will like him due to his more off putting personality traits. Sae doesn’t offer false comfort by saying that people will like Rin, instead he says that even if no one likes him, his older brother will always be there for him.

Even later on, when Rin and Sae have their confrontation, Sae’s choices of words are harsh, but underneath it, there’s honest advice. That advice being that Rin, if he really wants to be a pro player, should stop seeing football as a way to bond with his brother and find his own appreciation for the game untethered by other people. Even when Sae says that he’s never seen Rin as anything but an eyesore, he’s pushing Rin away, not to further his own goals, but to further Rin’s goals by helping Rin move away from depending on Sae. Obviously, that doesn’t exactly work due to Rin’s obsessive tendencies, but it’s clear that Sae has been doing two things: one, really testing if Rin wants to play soccer and two, making sure that Rin knows what lies ahead on his path to become a pro.

I think these reasons show some insight into his childhood and his personality. Once again, two main points, one, that some part of Sae mourns his childhood/ a loss of the sense of normalcy and two that Sae is a deeply considerate person.

Obviously, daily interactions aren’t exactly shown in the manga, but there are a few key hints to the fact that Sae does crave this comfort and most of these come from the Egoist Bible. 

The first thing that stood out to me is that his favorite anime is Crayon Shin-Chan, which is targeted towards children, which I think furthers my point for his sense of longing for those unburdened childhood days. This is also interesting to me because his favorite movie is Taxi Driver which is a drastic leap in genre change and could serve as a contradiction to what I said before about him craving comfort. However, despite the somewhat violent and unsettling nature of Taxi Driver, the director himself stated that the movie “…arose from my feeling that movies are really a kind of dream-state…”, which I believe serves to show the type of comfort that Sae seeks out. The movie also is largely about male loneliness which could serve to reflect Sae’s mental state being both isolated in his own country as a prodigy and in Spain as an outsider.

The second thing that stood out to me was that Sae’s least favorite food was French fries. Now normally this wouldn’t mean much, but I think it’s interesting to note that Sae doesn’t hate French Fries, he actually thinks that they’re “addictive”, and that the only reason he doesn’t like them is that they’re unhealthy. I think it’s interesting that his least favorite food wasn’t something he disliked, but rather something that he craved but wouldn’t allow himself to have because he’s so committed to football. It makes you think about what other things Sae must have given up, what average everyday things he found solace in that he felt like he needed to remove, that he now finds distaste in, simply because he can no longer enjoy them unburdened.

Finally, the last and the most heart wrenching piece from the Egoist Bible is the question of what he would do if he didn’t play football, and he finds that he can’t even provide an answer. Because for Sae, his whole life, since he was one, has been focused on honing one talent, and everything else has seemed to fall second, only becoming important when he needs it to further that one skill. Perhaps that’s why he values the simple things outside of football, because he never even got a chance to develop a taste for anything outside of that bubble. And maybe that’s why he was so harsh towards his brother, someone who he saw as unburdened by his talent, slowly growing into someone like him.

[murkycran]

Staticmoth/Voxval Fic Rec List

Welcome to my Staticmoth/Voxval Fic Rec List! :D

I will keep updating this periodically as I read more fics, so feel free to check back every once and a while! I'll reblog it when I update it, plus make a note with the date at the top. Trust me, this is by no means a complete list; there's fics I still want to add to this that I just haven't gotten to yet. I just decided to go ahead and post it anyways, because if I kept waiting until I ran out of fics to rec I'd probably be working on this forever.

These are not in any particular order; I'm going by both my Bookmarks list on AO3 and my memory of fics I forgot to bookmark. I also tried to make notes on what fics were written before season 1 released, but I might have missed some, so keep that in mind.

Please let me know if any links don't work!

✨Before you proceed:✨ read the tags on these fics if you decide to read them. Many of them have heavy material - no surprise given the fandom, but still, felt like this needed said. On that note, there's also fics with explicit material and some fics are straight up PWP. Again, read at your own risk/heed the tags.

Fic Rec List Masterpost

Radiostatic Fic Rec List

Misc. Vox Fic Rec List

------

Freak-A-Zoid by Femalefonzie

Summary: A shortage of suppressants in Hell means that Vox is going to be enduring a heat for the first time in years. Who better than the Vees' resident pimp to help him through it? Afterall, the last thing they need is for someone to complicate the situation with "feelings" and Val was the best at keeping love and lust separate. Until now.

TLDR; Valentino plays himself.

Notes: SO FUCKING FUNNY. Cannot read this in public bc I laughed too much. Val and Vox are both idiots. Perhaps the most human depiction of them that I've seen, especially during sex. Neither of them are suave or coordinated, but by god are they trying.

system takeover by Subedarling

Summary: Velvette has never been the type to play hero. But when a mysterious new player enacts a dangerous plot to usurp the Vees' power, taking her two idiots hostage in the process, that's exactly where she finds herself. Now she has no choice but to go on an impromptu rescue mission, maintain the facade that everything is fine to the outside world, and prove why she's the backbone of the Vees—and she hasn't even had her morning coffee yet.

Vox and Val are going to owe her so hard after this.

Notes: Technically Velvette-centric but I'm including it anyway bc it does have Staticmoth; found family. She's so badass in this, I love it. The Staticmoth is very sweet. :3

even if i quit there's not a chance in hell i'd stop by Subedarling

Summary: Valentino stretches his arms over his head as he enters the kitchen, yawning. His robe is hanging loosely around him, and God, if Vox were to run his hand down his chest he could probably count all his ribs. He stops short when he sees the plates waiting for him on the counter. His eyes narrow. “The hell is this?”

“You know, most people would say thank you when their partner makes them breakfast,” Vox says dryly.

Notes: Very tender. A good kind of hurt. Deals with ED.

Parvulus by Heliosolar

Summary: Vox woke up to something... unusual. Terrifying, even. He calls Valentino, desperate for the help.

Valentino is, of course, irresponsible, and Vox is exhausted.

He just wanted to get through the day like normal, why did this have to happen?

Notes: Written before season 1. The art of Tiny Vox is not linked, but I've seen it before and it is SO CUTE. If anyone has a link, please share with me so I can link it here!

A Wager of Desire by Heliosolar

Summary: Valentino and Vox have a small dispute over something meaningless, so they make a bet.

Vox has to last an entire dinner while at Valentino's mercy.

What could go wrong?

Notes: Written before season 1 release. One of the first Staticmoth fics I read. :)

Venenum by Heliosolar

Summary: During an uneventful meeting, Vox makes the mistake of stealing a drink from Valentino.

Notes: Written before season 1 release.

Getting Railed (By Child Support) by Charnel_Goat, spappest

Summary: The female of several species can store sperm for many years prior to using it to fertilize her eggs. As it turns out, spider trains do this too.

Decades after their romantic fallout, Overlord Choo Choo Charles is knocking on Val's door to demand he take responsibility for the results. By way of kidnapping his boyfriend to lure him to his den.

Notes: One of the crackiest fics I've ever read. Vox is an idiot with a horrible sense of self-preservation and Val fucks a spider train without birth control. Just...read it, okay? I literally cannot think about this fic without giggling like an idiot every time.

Beautiful Monster by IceBlueButterfly

Summary: “You’re late,” is the first thing that comes out of Vox’s mouth.

That sharp smile somehow grows wider.

“I believe the term is ‘fashionably late’ baby,” a smooth voice with a light Spanish accent replies.

Which… okay if Vox is being honest, is kind of hot.

Screen heating up a little more, Vox shoots a bored look.

“Or just late,” he snips back. “Oh well,” he claps his hands. “Doesn’t matter, you ready to get down to business?”

“Oh baby,” a bright gleam in even brighter eyes, “I’m always ready to get down.”

Vox is already regretting this decision.

OR Moments in time throughout Vox and Val's relationship. Vox may have no idea what the moth demon will bring to his life, but neither does Val.

Notes: A very nice exploration of how Vox and Valentino's relationship evolves.

Only a Shadow by passthevoxcord

Summary: Vox shows up on the hotel’s doorstep with no memory of how he got there or who he is. They agree to house and heal him, and slowly but surely he finds joy in becoming better. Then Valentino shows up and is forced to choose between self-altering addiction and the closest he’s ever come to love.

Meanwhile, Velvette has a new potion brewing, one that will grant her more power than the Vees ever had. Only Vox and Val can stop her, but will goodness really overcome evil? Or will they be only a shadow of their former selves?

Notes: The Voxval is currently toxic and only just now being touched on in Chapter 9 of the fic; I say 'currently' because the author explains in the AN of the first chapter that both Vox and Val will go through some "self-discovery and healing". Seriously, just read it. It's very good!!

You Found Me by passthevoxcord

Summary: Long before Velvette came along, it was just them. Vox and Valentino. Valentino and Vox.

Notes: Includes some interesting headcanons for Vox and Val.

Virtual Reality by passthevoxcord

Summary: Vox gets tired of his cybernetic biology being a barrier to his sex life, so he starts a new project to fuck Valentino in VR. Val will try anything once, but he has something else in mind.

Notes: Surprisingly sweet. ^_^

Muted by passthevoxcord

Summary: Val helps a nonverbal Vox deal with sensory overload.

Notes: Sweet and tender. :)

Freaky Friday by passthevoxcord

Summary: Vox and Val wake up stuck in the other’s body, but it’s no big deal because they both know how easy the other has it. Right?

Notes: Written before season 1 release. Sweet take on the different challenges Vox and Val face in their daily lives.

Something Akin To Love Series by Awesome_Possum

Summary: Vox's taste in partners is delightfully self-destructive and that's an itch Valentino is more than happy to scratch.

It's not safe or sane, and whether or not it's technically consensual is heavily up to interpretation, but what they have is probably something akin to love.

A collection of StaticMoth fics set in generally the same continuity.

Valentino is awful and Vox is unfortunately really really into that because a control freak in the streets is a masochist in the sheets.

Notes: Has 2 parts, both very much worth reading. Very funny, lol. Vox is in a hell of his own making but enjoying it at the same time.

Update Prescription by innerfray

Summary: Vox tricks Valentino into getting his eyes checked. They're forced to confront the nature of their partnership.

Notes: One of my favorite Staticmoth oneshots. Felt like an interesting take on Val's blindness. Angst so good...

Like Moth to a Flame (Or to a Bright Blue Screen) by datweirdo

Summary: Valentino is a moth after all

Notes: Cute and funny!!! "You fucking murdered him" lmao

30 Decibels by Shortsighted_Owl

Summary: Somewhere, under the low humming of the monitors, the quiet gurgling of replacement coolant being piped into Vox body, a new noise - dry, yet somehow viscerally wet, and so very soft - made itself known, but only just.

And Valentino almost missed it. - After a fight with Alastor, Valentino watches vigil over Vox’s broken form.

(What if Vox still has organic vocal cords, and after a fight with Alastor, the synthesiser he uses to amplify his voice is destroyed. What if Valentino hears Vox’s real voice for the first time?)

Notes: Heed the tags, there is in fact body horror lol. Sweet but mildly horrific. <3

Priest, mailman, cruise captain or chef? by Destabilize

Summary: Inspired by Vox's outfits in Stayed Gone - Val and Vox try out some kinky stuff with a priest outfit, to mixed success.

Ah ha!” Val squealed with delight, wine glass drained and thrown on a sofa, “This!” Val was standing proudly by the wardrobe holding up a long red robe with a hat and some kind of sash. Vox scowled, “Is that a fucking priest outfit?”

“Si! Isn’t it fun- it’s in your colors too!”

“You wanna be a priest?”

“No baby! You be a priest and I can,” Val sidled up and leaned down, puffing some smoke in Vox’s face, snaking an arm around his waist, “lead you astray...”

Notes: Surprisingly cute and funny! Vox fails epically at roleplay and it is hilarious.

riding out the drop by spoondrifts

Summary: Like he’d said before, killing Alastor was Vox’s kink, not his. He had been prepared to sit back and enjoy the temporary chaos until Vox got over himself.

What he hadn’t accounted for was the possibility that Vox was exactly as obsessive, bitter, and desperate for Alastor’s acknowledgement now as he had been seven years ago. Distance hadn’t made the heart grow fonder: distance had made a highly detailed revenge scrapbook complete with a conspiracy corkboard done up in red string.

Or: Valentino gets fed up with Vox's fixation on the radio demon. They fuck about it.

Notes: Features (sex favorable) asexual!Vox! :D (I lowkey headcanon him as ace ever since the "better than sex" comment)

Featherstone by spoondrifts

Summary: “To me,” Vox told the baby, “it seems like bad parenting to leave your helpless kid for a whole month with two unstable psychopaths and their parole officer. But hey. Who am I to judge.”

No intelligent reply was forthcoming.

Or: not-so accidental baby acquisition, starring the three least responsible idiots this side of the Pentagram.

Notes: Big Vees as family vibes. Wish so desperately this was canon.

vark attack by tarltonnnnn

Summary: Valentino has to petsit Vark for a day. Chaos ensues.

Notes: Written before season 1 release. Vark is a big dumb (and very cute) baby.

Unplugged by pinkpunchy

Summary: Vox looks like he’s going to vomit. Valentino frowns.

“For the one who suggested this, you’re being a real pussy.”

“Fuck you! Just give me a sec.” Vox spits out, muttering darkly as he adjusts his shoulders on the pillows, trying to arrange his body for the moment he loses all function. Valentino, despite his impulsive nature, waits patiently. His manicured nails drag along the spot where cable and port connect, thumb smoothing up and down the flat surface surrounding it. Vox’s breath is coming faster now, not slower, something Valentino is tuned into as naturally as his own breathing.

“Hey.”

A large hand grasps a corner of Vox’s screen, tilting it up and putting an immediate stop to his fidgeting. Valentino smiles, red eyes narrowed to slits.

“Do you trust me?”

Notes: Sex as a...trust exercise? Lol I'm joking, but seriously. Sweet and hot at the same time.

Electric Desires: Lust, Power, and Unspoken Longings in Hell by Dani69696969

Summary: Vox is starting to get fed up with Angel Dust being the only thing Val talks about when Vox is right there, ripe for the taking. Inspired by Vox looking happy that Angel might have quit in Episode 2.

Notes: Very sweet. Plot with porn. :)

The Art of Pimping by MarenRose

Summary: Desperate to close a deal with one of the most lucrative investors in Pride, Vox does the unthinkable and pimps out Valentino for a one-time date. What could go wrong?

Notes: Vox's jealousy and possessiveness really brings out his stalker side in this lmao. Vox is a little pathetic and that makes his jealousy all the more funny to me. :D

Welcome to VoxTek Enterprises! by MarenRose

Summary: Subsequently, Valentino, of all people, has become the office’s saving grace.

(A series of VoxVal ficlets through the eyes of Vox’s assistant)

Notes: Pretty funny! Vox's assistants are really going through it. One of the tags is "Imagine being happy to see Valentino" lol.

(Fic rec list to be continued)

[daitranscripts]

Vivienne Conversation: High Approval

Let's Talk About Our Friends

Vivienne Masterpost

PC: What are your thoughts on the others in the Inquisition?

Dialogue options:

Dorian [1]

Blackwall [2]

Sera [3]

Cole[4]

Varric [5]

Solas [6]

Cassandra [7]

1 - Dorian:

Not romanced Vivienne: Our dear Lord Dorian is very sure of himself, isn’t he? Let’s hope he doesn’t get his confidence crushed.

Romanced

Vivienne: You of course mean to speak of your Tevinter paramour. I doubt I can be impartial about him. I have been a Circle mage far too long… But he does have a great sense of fashion. I’ll give him that.

Vivienne: You of course mean to speak of your Tevinter paramour. I admit he’s quite charming. I can see how he’s stolen your heart. f0c67cf0-162a-491b-9407-2afbb0200190 [Not sure of the exact trigger on this one]

Vivienne (post-breakup): You want to talk about dear Lord Dorian. You can admit it, darling. I’d heard that you were no longer keeping his company. I do hope everything is all right.

2 - Blackwall

Not romanced, personal quest not started Vivienne: Blackwall is a useful sort of fellow, but he’s perhaps too eager to please. He reminds me of a pup begging for attention.

Romanced, personal quest not-started Vivienne: You seem quite fond of our Warden, Blackwall. I think it’s charming.

Romanced, personal quest started Vivienne: I know you were attached to him, my dear. Perhaps his absence will set your mind at ease.

Post-Revelations, not romanced Vivienne: Blackwall surprised me. I never would have thought him capable of carrying off such deception.

Vivienne (left in prison): He was tolerably useful, but I’m sure we can find someone else to poke things to death.

Vivienne (given to the Wardens): Generous, you giving him a chance at redemption. Let’s see if he manages it.

Vivienne (freed to atone): You were quite forgiving. I hope he fares better as a Rainier than a Blackwall.

Vivienne (imprisoned): A bit dangerous, though, continuing this Warden charade. Let us hope nothing further comes of it.

Post-Revelations, romanced Vivienne: Blackwall surprised me. I never would have thought him capable of carrying off such deception.

Given to the Wardens

Vivienne (broke up during judgement): His betrayal must have stung. It’s very generous of you, giving him a chance to redeem himself.

Vivienne: He is an extremely fortunate man to remain in your good graces after such a lie. I hope he will do well.

Freed to atone

Vivienne (broke up during judgement): You were very kind to him, however horribly he betrayed your trust.

Vivienne: He’s a lucky man. Few women would have forgiven such a lie. Let’s hope he lives up to your faith in him.

Imprisoned

Vivienne: Be careful, my dear. Men are simple creatures. Resentment in his present circumstance could become an issue.

3 - Sera:

Vivienne: Sera I certainly a colorful character. Like a poisonous toad, only without the manners.

Romanced

Vivienne: I would never criticize your choice in paramours, my dear. I’m sure Sera’s affection for you is genuine. She’s nowhere near clever enough to be after you for your wealth or position, so it must be true love.

Vivienne (after break-up): I understand that you and Sera are no longer a couple. Don’t worry, my dear. You can do so much better.

4 - Cole:

Vivienne: Whether Cole is a spirit or a demon is irrelevant. Neither can be trusted, my dear. Remember that.

5 - Varric:

Vivienne: What exactly is Varric’s role in the Inquisition? Aside from irritating Cassandra?

Vivienne: So Varric was spying on us all this time? I’m impressed. I never would have taken him for a player of the Game. I’ll have to watch him more closely from now on. fae0e7ba-1667-413b-9680-10ea0a6f0165 [I can’t find the plot flag for this?]

6 - Solas:

Vivienne: I don’t know what to make of Solas. So much knowledge and so little personal history… I find that… peculiar. Don’t you?

Romanced. Vivienne: Is it my imagination, dear, or have certain… lingering looks passed between you and our Solas?

After Solas has left. Vivienne: It’s strange not having Solas hanging about looking smug. I wonder where he’s gone.

7 - Cassandra:

Vivienne: I admire Cassandra’s determination. If she had a little charm, she could be a remarkable leader.

Romanced Vivienne: My dear, if you want to talk about Cassandra, just say so. I see how you dote upon her. You’re a fetching couple, you know. Or you would be if Cassandra ever smiled.

[neptuneunworthy]

Irresistible

Pairing: Astarion x GN!Durge

Synopsis: "But the lure's of one's destiny is irresistible, isn't it?" Ketheric Thorm's words never left you; his speech following you around like an unforgettable symphony that you've yet to truly process. At least until just hours after you opened your mind to the astral tadpole. It made you wonder if perhaps your destiny this whole time was to become such a wretched thing. A monster.

Word count: 2.5k

Warnings: References to Violence, Blood, Injury, Hurt/Comfort

Rating: Teen and up audiences

There was something so irritating how you found yourself so infatuated with terror. The feeling it brought to you always sent you reeling, a longing for a kindness dubbed “Hope” to be given to you to somehow rouse you from the ever-looming stupor The Urges ingrained into your body. You understood well enough this was not your choice, it was someone else’s, it could never be something you actively decided to feel. 

Ketheric Thorn made you feel validated in this, though you are not sure he meant to. Yet he had in his little speech that he believed would somehow grant himself will to win an unwinnable fight. Call you cocky, but you understood well enough that your own prowess in killing and the arcane would grant you an easy victory. Not to mention your companions had proven more than enough help. The Nightsong herself even was shown to be worthy enough once more; helping strike down Thorm and then Myrkul. 

Never in your life have you felt more powerful than when you cast the final fireball and Myrkul fell, Dame Aylin crushing Ketheric’s skull following.

Well, never in your known life. That amnesia was still rather a tough enemy in all of this. It had been something throughout the last forty-eight hours that kept you on your feet. 

First starting with being visited yet again by that wretched butler. Then everything within the mind player colony afterward. You were horrified and yet also masochistically intrigued. 

It’s no wonder you felt guilt, plenty of it, but most of all shame. 

Ketheric Thorn was right about destiny. It was irresistible…and you think you were starting to fall in love with yours. It was horrifying because you did not know what it entailed other than the possibility of spilling the guts of your companions. Of your lover . 

This thought had only grown more scary tonight, after you opened your mind to the Astral Tadpole.

You had snuck off after everyone finally laid back down, even waiting until you were positive Astarion had been in his meditative trance. The only person who still was up had been Withers, though he always was, and he didn’t seem to pay you any mind as you passed and then climbed up the ladders of the ruins. You were restless, and all you could think about was the utter mistake you made in letting that thing into your mind. 

You knew you should think of other things, such as potentially freeing Orpheus, but it was extraordinarily hard when all you could do was think about how if your “destiny” was to become a vicious monster, then you have done nothing to stop it and simply made your execution date sooner by embracing the illithid side.

It hadn’t even been an hour since you returned either. 

But he had been right— Ketheric had been right. 

Destiny was irresistible. 

Yet also equally as terrifying.

Yet you were infatuated with terror.

Yet tears fell from your purple-veined face as you looked out at the forest, the mountains, The City. The latter just within a days travel, your destination. Could you even show your face there? Sure, people have probably seen way worse than the marks you now bare but what if that assumption isn’t enough? What if they all know what you are? What if they could all smell the disgusting rot of flesh that is seeped deep into your bones? What if they kill you because they know exactly the ailment you carry? 

You breathe out a shaky breath, following by an inhalation of surprise as your mind swirls in detection. A fuzzy and tingling feeling erupting in your head to alert you of another’s presence. Of course, when you turn your tear-stained face to look at the ladder, guilt only piles up further in your stomach like a bag of ball bearings. Astarion, of course. Who else would it be?

You hiccuped through a quiet sob at the sight of the vampire. Exhaustion had painted his face as if he had been the personification of it, and you suddenly wished you had made a better effort to check on if he had actually been in a trance or not.

Damned elves.  

He isn’t quick to fall beside you, even in his state of exhaustion he is mindful of how he approaches you. Taking small steps with careful hands at his sides. Earlier on in your adventures this sort of trapezius could be confused for him stalking his prey, but you understood well enough it was his way of parsing out if it was okay to fully approach or not. Similar to how you respected his wishes when it came to certain physical aspects, he went out of his way to do the same; especially when you found yourself in such dire states like this.

You recall last night he awoke to you stood above him, a smug look on his face as he asked if you had come around for a cuddle. Of course the truth of the matter was far from something as soft and mundane. You tried to warn him as such. Only the next morning, when you finally had made it through the thrashing and he cut your binds loose, did you find yourself breaking down. He had gently tapped your shoulder, and when you did not back away, he brought you into a hug and did the best he could to assure you that you can control this. 

Your eyes stayed on him for a moment more, before you sniffled and turned your gaze back toward the view of the vast view ahead. A few footsteps later and you felt him sat at your side. 

“My dear,” he began with a concern that two-months ago would be laughable, “is there something you’d like to talk about?”

Here he was, giving you an easy way to tell him exactly what troubled you and ached your soul. Yet all you could do was keep your face turned from him, even shielding it slightly with your hand but act as if you were wiping away tears. 

He hesitantly put a hand on your back as he spoke. “Of course if you would prefer we stay here silently we can do that too. I suppose the stars make a better roof than our tent. Though there certainly are more bugs .”

There was something nice in how he said our tent . A gentle reminder that whatever this thing the two of you have together is, it means you’re in this together now. The thought of which makes you relax somewhat, wiping more at your face and sniffling. 

“I’m afraid, Astarion.”

“Whatever of?”

“Myself.”

His hand stilled against your back, and his lips pursed as he thought about what to say. That was as far as you could read him. Despite the fact he had opened his unbeating heart up to you, there was a great deal about the vampire he had yet to tell you. You understood why. Perhaps that is why it meant more when he attempted to comfort you.

Astarion peered at you, his red eyes and white hair glowing in the moonlight. “Is this about your ah…new look? ” 

You wrinkled your nose, turning your gaze away from him and nodding. Thought that was such a small portion of it. Opening your mind to the Astral Tadpole had been an irresistible endeavor. A sickening sweet compulsion. The only reminder of you being some brand of regular had been the eye Volo bestowed upon you, and even then it wasn’t your actual eye. It was just a a foul green iris that let you see the unseen. If you ever see him again you aren’t sure if you will wish to sock him in the face or thank him for some small bit of normalcy.

You were brought back to reality by Astarion putting his hand on your shoulder, and leaning you against his side. Of course you leaned into him. Part of you wishing you had still been in the shared tent with him and cuddled up. Despite his touch sensitivity you had learned him to be quite the clingy sleeper. 

His hand gently squeezes you, it is ironic that Astarion of all people can be so soft. 

“No one else could ever pull off partial ceremorphosis as wonderfully as you.” There was a sing-song tenderness to his voice that reminded you of the early days. “I’m afraid even I would look dreadful.”

You wipe the back of your hand across your nose, sniffling once more. “Purple veins would really show off those wrinkles of yours, you’re right.”

He gasped, you couldn’t tell entirely if it was meant to be actually him taking offense, but if he had that was all he showed of it. Instead Astarion let silence sit in the air between the two of you, and it is something you both appreciate and dislike. 

“Tav,” he says your name with a warmth you thought impossible; though a part of you knows deep down it is not your name, “I will not push for you to tell me what ails you. But I do wish for you to know that I’m…here for you.” 

He had hesitated, and you understood why, he wasn’t used to whatever this budding relationship was. 

“I’m scared of myself, like I…”

Your words had fallen apart as you looked at him, a knowing look, mixed with surplus amounts of concern. Though only if you knew what to look for in his eyes. The smallest twinge of his brow muscle and crease. 

“…I’m afraid that Ketheric’s speech was a warning.” The words spilled out of your mouth, “that I…I opened my mind to that stupid tadpole and it was just simply my destiny this whole time. I was even—even that woman’s first tadpole victim, you heard her in the mind flayer colony. Ketheric he—he even knew me! I can’t remember them and yet—yet…my destiny is to become a monster, and that prospect terrifies me.”

You brought your legs up to your chest, ducking your head down and sighing weakly against your knees. It felt nice to say that out loud, though perhaps embarrassment crept its way through you now like someone had cast bestow curse and your life force was being drained. But no. That was simply the feeling of pure anxiety running its course through your illithid-touched veins.

Astarion doesn’t say anything for a long time either, simply continuing to hold you, and a part of you suspects it’s that so you can let it all out. You are a quiet crier but with the way your body shook, even someone with a hag-kissed eye could tell you were working through the motions. 

“I had thought the same thing until recently you know,” his voice was quiet though distinctly thoughtful, “the whole becoming a monster thing. Not in relation to the damned parasite, but obviously that was on the list of worries.” He chuckled lowly, before continuing. “No, I mean my own ailment that without our tadpole friend, would turn me to dust and ashes.”

His voice becomes softer now, a steady sigh leaving his lips. “The Shadow Cursed Lands was a nightmarish reminder about my life for the past centuries. I hate to say it, but I miss The Grove and those tree-hugging lunatics…perhaps only because that had been the first time in so long I had seen the beauty of the day.” 

You were not aware of his eyes having fallen on you as he ended that sentence, your face still tucked against your knees as you listened to his ramblings.

“In no world can you be a monster, Tav,” he said matter of factly, as if these were rules written into the universe itself. “Even if you did try to kill me last night. But I understand a little…hah…bloodlust, as it were.” He cleared his throat, “Ketheric Thorm and whoever may know you are fools anyways, and darling we do not believe the word of fools. Especially dead ones.”

You finally spoke a hint of teasing in your voice, “aren’t you dead?”

“ Undead, darling.” He corrected with a grin you could hear in his voice. 

You tried to laugh, but instead you just breathed out. Though now you considered his words. Repeating them in your head over and over again. 

You didn’t look at him still, though you did move your head up at least. Your eyes fell onto the mountains as you looked out onto the horizon once more. Contemplating what will await you when you arrive in the great city. 

You were afraid. So afraid.

You recall when you had first broken out of the pod at the beginning of your journey. A bloodlust written into your bones with no memory to say as to why. You had a name that was not your own, you know this because sometimes you recall the face of a young boy when you look at flames from a certain angle. It was his name. 

Was your face his too? Had you stolen that from him as well?

You cannot remember. You want to remember. You want a lot of things. Yet as you look at Astarion now, unsurprised to find he had been peering at you, you find that you are profoundly and suddenly somehow okay in this moment. For at the very end of the day, at least you have your companions. 

You may be becoming an illithid monster. You might already be a monster. You perhaps are wearing someone else’s identity. Yet these problems are just that. Problems. He was right, at least you’re pretty sure he was if you understood what he meant properly. 

You press your lips against his cheek and whisper, “thank you…and for what it’s worth, I’ll make sure you don’t turn to dust and ashes.”

Astarion smiled at you, despite the softness in his gaze, you could see the scheme and hunger in his eyes.

“My dear wizard, if the devil was correct and we make sure all goes according to plan then that fear will be irrelevant entirely. When-“ not if “-I Ascend, all such ideas of yours truly fading away in the sun will disappear entirely.”

You don’t show a sign of protesting to this idea, not with how happy and proud of himself he looks. Though deep down a part of you feels sick at the thought. Even without knowing the full picture of whatever this ascension entails, you wonder if this is truly the best course of action.

But again, he looks so full of joy at the idea that you would feel guilty protesting it. Especially right now. When it is so late and you believe you have reached the climax of emotional conversations for the night. Perhaps a part of you also fears that if you protest this idea of his that whatever this new relationship you have with him shall fizzle out…and you’re selfish and are not quite yet ready to face that possibility.

That night when you finally crawl back into the tent with him, you take a final look in the mirror. 

“Will we be best friends forever, Tav?” 

The boy with glasses and raven hair, Tav, smiles back at you and squeezes your hand, “forever.” 

For once, your sleep that night is peaceful.

[darkfictionjude]

Howdy! I just started one of your new works, but i have a questions. How's Luce's gender choice works exactly? For example what should i choose to have them trans-masc? Dead-man or dead-woman? Are we kind of forced to stick to assigned terms? No hate or accusation or etc, just geniune question. I understand importance and time ties of it to plot . I'm just a bit confused. Same as mechanics of it in WWC kind of confusing to me with a lot of separated from each other choices(sex/pronounce/child-son-daughter/sister-brother-sibling/genitals/mx-mr-ms/etc). Like, did we already came out to everyone there from the early childhood or just recently, should i make choices of assigned sex? Sorry if you answered it somewhere. And thank you in advance. Really enjoy your works!

That howdy is cute 🥰

In that moment it isn’t really the time for Luce to just randomly start saying things about themself, I like those choices to flow nice into the narrative. It’s established that Luce is a woman or man but the intricacies don’t fit in the scene at the moment, it would be odd if Luce just started stating everything about themself to themself especially when they are at the level of stress. Don’t worry they’ll be chance for that in chapter 1 I just never like interrupting the story like that

The reason it’s all separated from each other in WWC is that just because someone wants to be referred to in one area by something might not mean they want to be referred to as the equivalent in another. Perhaps some players want feminine pronouns but to be called son by their parents, it’s just there so that people can be called whatever they want. Since gender can be so fluent. It’s just to be safe and provide all the chances for people to choose. The thing with that is that I mentioned that in episode 5, there will be a chance for Crown to essentially “come out” to at least the boys and their older brother and be referred to by a different chosen name and pronouns. So if you want that experience perhaps for the first four episodes have your character be called by the pronouns given to them at birth while still internally choosing the trans options and then change your given name and pronouns in episode 5 😊

[utilitycaster]

I don't know how you feel about it, but I was extremely frustrated last night when I found out that break was called after around 3 hours. I just felt that at that point they should have just made it a Crown Keepers episode instead of promising that BH would be back and then them barely being in the episode. I don't know, I'm usually really go with the flow with CRs creative choices, but this was just a real big swing and a miss for me. I wish this had all just been its own episode

So here's my feelings:

My thoughts on EXU Prime, and later Kymal, were that I love the player characters and their relationships and much of the worldbuilding (notably all of Niirdal-Poc and the Qoniira Tetrarchy) and I liked many of Aabria's NPCs but there were some pretty big gaps left in "what the fuck is going on" that left me feeling as though I wouldn't mind seeing the characters again but I didn't feel strongly about continuing the story in-world, if that makes sense. The Aevilux reveal, for example, was sort of what the main plot of EXU Prime hinged upon (ie, that was Myr'atta Niselor's motivation; that was what the deal with Ted was) and so the fact that didn't come out for over 2.5 years irl after it ended meant I'd just kind of said "well, some weirdo from Syngorn really wanted to do shit to Opal for some reason related to her sister, who is also her patron, and we don't know why either of these things is the case, and I guess that's what happened" and made my peace with it. Similarly, I don't know what the Nameless Ones want, and never have (other than, at one point, the circlet of barbed vision, and I don't know why they want it). I made a joke that Myr'atta, Poska, and Otohan are all kind of the same and honestly that is the thing: if you don't know why a villain is doing something - even if the reason is "because I love to be evil and terrible!" it's hard to care, and if those are only villains, it's hard to be invested in the story about the heroes either, even if you like the heroes as characters.

When I say I like how this ended, I mean it - I think it could have gone only a few ways, but I like that Morrighan and Opal have both become divine champions, Morrighan willingly and Opal less so (this is yet another case of "the gods don't do take-backsies on oaths", but also, I do feel for Opal despite it all because of Aimee's excellent work throughout). I mentioned how I felt about the exact details of Cyrus's death but I don't mind that he's dead. Fy'ra was a highlight throughout, as she frequently is, and I think she was faced with two extremely unpleasant choices and made a fascinating decision. But I'd have preferred to see this as a flashback (see next paragraph) or like. Just decide what happened. If I'm being extremely honest a lot of my issues with the Crown Keepers portion is that it felt like there was a very specific desired ending (Opal's complete corruption and Cyrus's death); I also said at some point well before that you can only do so much with the Crown Keepers while Dariax is there because Matt does, even if he's turning his brain off to play our Charisma-only kinda short king, know all the cheat codes for the main campaign. It's kind of like why how, even if the DM will control an absent player during RP, they usually have another player control in combat.

I don't mind that the Bells Hells portion was short. I think the choice to break where they did makes sense given everything else that went on. But I think that, criticism of the actual Crown Keepers portion aside, while you might have lost some of your audience for a Crown Keepers-only episode on the main feed, you would have preserved the drama of FCG's death better and gotten people more excited for the Crown Keepers if you had essentially run things exactly as done here but then just cut the two episodes together, which, as a pre-taped medium, they can now do! Hindsight is again 20-20 but: Run the first half of 92 as is. Break and tape a full Crown Keepers episode. Return to Bells Hells and narrate the message back from Dorian saying he'll be there, play out the rest of Bells Hells in the camp dealing with FCG's death, and then have Dorian arrive at the very end of that episode and end the episode when the party asks him what's been going on with him, then reveal there will be a Crown Keepers episode. Air your full Crown Keepers episode as episode 93, and then return to the main campaign with 94. It would have been better balanced in terms of time, people who wanted the Crown Keepers to return would have gotten hyped up, and people who dislike them or are neutral would have at least known what to expect and frankly if they skip the episode that's their choice to make. Hell, since there were 2 weeks? Could have even been like "hey, we'll do a Crown Keepers Marathon on Twitch and Youtube on some random weekday" to build up some hype!

So overall my answer is that I agree this wasn't a great creative choice. I don't think this means they shouldn't take big swings! But some will be misses and this was, while not an entire miss for me, at best a walk.

[lonelylonelyghost]

Re-watch of The Spirealm. Episode 37

Wu Qi, the bestest bff ever. Everyone needs some Wu Qi in their lives! Wu Qi needs some Wu Qi in his life

"Even you want me to send Ruan Nanzhu to his death?"

"Lingling, you have to figure it out. If you don't enter the Door, he'll die. But if you go, he might survive.

It's obvious. The game can't be fixed without Ruan Nanzhu. He must go, no matter what, even if he is doomed. But if you go, with your strength, you two might have a chance to come back. You can make a choice between all the players and him. But he has no choice. He has to sacrifice himself to save others."

"I understand why I was given up and why he hid the truth from me, but I just don't want to accept it. I feel like I'm a fool who can only accept the consequences and understand him."

So what are you afraid of? Losing Ruan Nanzhu? Let me tell you. I'm not afraid of losing you. Because I know that it's the beginning for you to be yourself. That's the point of being your friend, isn't it? I'm going to lose you at the end of this road, I'll still take this farewell trip as a journey. I can accompany you on your last journey, just like what you can do for Ruan Nanzhu. It's a friend's duty, right?"

"I... I'm not sure if I can make it."

"You can. You can do it. Haven't you always wanted to use your game designer skills to change the world? This is the right time. You're saving the world, Lin Qiushi."

I had to take frequent breaks during these last few episodes, to watch those multi-hour long youtube videos talking about terrible straight romance books, because this shit is literally breaking me.

On a brighter note, I love that Yan Balang's situation is becoming worse for him, reflected by how his surroundings become shabbier and shabbier.

He started from owning a whole building to him ending up in a shitty crowded apartment, with debt collectors banging on his door. The interesting thing about him is that he's extremely intelligent and cunning (as we've seen in the 10th Door), but his hubris and greed destroyed everything that he has built before.

He deserves this misery and no glory

🖕

And Xia Jie being in love with that loser. Appropriate punishment, but honestly pretty sad. I might feel bad, but I don't actually

🖕

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

They managed to make everyone here despicable to such an impressive degree

"I'm leaving."

"I have no choice. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to Zaozao and Qianli. But I have enough time to say goodbye to you. I don't want to miss it. So I'll say goodbye to you ahead of time. No matter what, I won't forget you."

😖😖😖😖

Here's Johnny!

Art that kills

Nooo, our favourite fluffy gangster is back!!!

🥹🥹🥹🥹

"Be careful. Not everyone you meet at night is a friend. They could be monsters. Destroy the game. Good luck."

😭😭😭😭

YEY!! I will cheer for his death every time I see it

My girl!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹

And her stricken face when Nanzhu and Qiushi told her that they couldn't stay for long 😭

But the last we see her, she's still smiling

I hate this show

"This is the place where we first met!"

"Welcome to the world of the Doors."

Bondage-Don't-Stop-Murdering

Our kind gays bring all the coolest Door Gods to the yard!

And I like how all three of them are a different type of menacing. Zuozi is a cute girl straight up from a Japanese horror movie, Lady in the Rain is a refined gothic beauty, while Xiao Jiu behaves in this not-exactly-human way (the way she stares here is uncanny), because she's half-beast (I think???). I would both kill and die for them all

Our best boyyyy 🥹🥹🥹🥹

God, what an absolutely incredible thing they did aaaaaa

Sitcom. 2000 episodes. Just them hanging around, discussing home remedies, new fluffy tights, and going to each other's Doors for some hairstyle and fashion advice, killing bad NPCs in the meantime.

I never knew I needed this in my life. I want it. Now.

PLEEEASE🙏🙏🙏🙏

And the way Xiao Jiu chokes on her own hair like a cat lmao

Also her hands are AWESOME

[autistichalsin]

Hi hello good day to you!

First of all, I wanted to thank you for your Halsin analyses, I love them so much! I am so FURIOUS about the fact that Larians literally gave him so much and so little at the same time, that because of the fact that you literally need to dig for the scraps of his personality and story around the whole game to understand him (which most of the players don't want to do and even those who like him mostly romance him for the opportunity of the "threesome" or just his romance scene and I've even seen people who say that he has anger issues because of his actions towards goblins), while other characters speak of this more freely and because of that I think he is highly mistreated by the fandom. I love this man with my whole heart and want him to be as happy as possible and it's very good to know that there are people in the fandom who think as me so

THANK YOU!!!

Second of all, I wanted to ask, what do you think about the Halsin/Astarion and/or Halsin/Tav/Astarion pairings in the fandom? Because for me they feel a bit... Uncomfortable.

I can be mistaken, because I haven't romanced Astarion (I have yet to finish my first playthrough where my Tav romances Halsin solely), but if I'm not mistaken Astarion "allows" you to have a side-relationship with Halsin and then says something like "it's not because we haven't had sex in some time, right?" It's as if he's afraid you will leave him for Halsin if he doesn't give you his permission himself and that makes me very uncomfortable about those ships. Like, yeah, Halsin has some lines about how attractive Astarion is to him, but Astarion doesn't seem very fond of Halsin.

And I understand fully that people may (and will) ship whatever they want, but I still feel very uneasy when I see Halsin/Tav/Astarion on my feed and think of these facts

Hope you have a nice day!

Hello hello! Thank you so much- that is so kind of you to say and so wonderful to hear It makes me happy. And I agree Larian should have given us more. I will say though that I don't feel like I'm digging at scraps. Instead, I feel more like I'm connecting puzzle pieces that were scattered in boxes for other puzzles. And you realize that together, they would actually make their own gorgeous picture, but instead, they're buried in places most won't see them. They're still there- they're just not being united how they should. A lot of the fandom doesn't appreciate him for what he is, but I can and do- and so can you it seems!

I like both ships, actually. I just do in very different ways than the fandom does (different dynamics- a lot of others have Halsin in the role of perpetual caretaker, which doesn't really vibe for me. Not that I have anything against those who do like it that way, but it just doesn't interest me much). I like both pairings in and of themselves.

That interpretation... isn't exactly accurate. It's part of the fandom's pattern of infantilizing Astarion and denying him agency because they fundamentally don't think survivors are capable of making such choices for themselves again. Yes, Astarion does ask if you want this because you haven't had sex; he says this about Mizora as well. But the INSTANT, in either case, that you assure him that's not why, he instantly perks back up, and tells the player he hopes they have/had fun. The devnotes on those scenes specifically say he's being genuine. Astarion truly wants the player to enjoy themselves once he is promised this isn't because they aren't having sex.

The insistence that he can't have really meant it is deeply offensive to me, if I'm honest, because the fandom has a NASTY habit of acting like Astarion can't give consent to anything. I get it, Astarion is everyone's lil meow meows (that's how I am with Halsin!) but there comes a point where the fanon woobiefication gets absolutely infuriating and insulting and infantilizing, especially for a survivor. (This isn't directed at you, by the way, or any one person in the fandom. Just at the trend.) Don't get me started on how people misunderstand what the brothel scene is about, or I'll be here all night.

Whether Astarion is fond of Halsin: is Astarion openly fond of ANYONE? He only seems fond of a romanced player character, and even then, only later on, when they stick with him after the reveal that he was only using them. He's a grumpy, traumatized asshole who doesn't deal with emotions well, and is made deeply uncomfortable by the notions of selflessness and kindness (which Halsin has in spades) because they clash too violently with the framework he built during his time being tortured, raped, and enslaved. Fanfiction is transformative in nature, so really, the question isn't "does canon Astarion show fondness for canon Halsin" (debatable) as much as it is, "could Astarion, under the right circumstances that may or may not happen in canon, find himself feeling fondness for Halsin?" And that one, to me, is a resounding yes.

We already see Halsin showing a great amount of kindness and compassion for Astarion. We know that in canon, this is a turn-off for him, as it makes him feel weak and vulnerable. But what about under other circumstances? What if Astarion discarded those fears, or what if Tav showed him how to let his guard down just enough to trust that Halsin didn't mean him harm?

If you don't personally like the ship for the reasons you listed, that is absolutely your right- no one has to ship anything. But I'm not in the camp who thinks Astarion dislikes Halsin- or, even if he did, that that would be a reason not to ship them.

To me, Halsin and Astarion represent the concept of two survivors of severe, repeated trauma, who are currently coping in opposite yet equally unhealthy ways. Astarion is on the path to furthering the cycle of abuse, to being so consumed at his anger at being hurt by Others that he can't distinguish between the Other who hurt him and the Other who didn't, anymore, and he wants all of them to feel pain indiscriminately. 7,000 innocent lives don't matter to him because he wants his own pain to stop. It's a person whose mental growth was arrested prematurely by trauma. On the other hand, you have Halsin, who was pushed into a subservient role by both his trauma and what came after. He doesn't allow himself to truly feel any pain at all, because Others need him, and that would be Selfish, and he has to be Okay at all time to help Others. He becomes self-negating from his combination of traumas, so dedicated to breaking the cycle of abuse that he... almost seems to join it against himself, not allowing himself a release, not taking care of himself well, letting himself be isolated.

Halsin and Astarion as a ship represent healing. They represent the idea of needing someone opposite yourself to balance out your worst traits. Halsin could teach Astarion to embrace kindness again; Astarion could teach Halsin that you don't have to sacrifice your entire self to be a "good guy." Halsin could show Astarion that others matter just as much as himself, while Astarion could show Halsin that he matters just as much as others. Sometimes, you just need someone diametrically opposed to yourself to bring out the best version of you, I think.

(Ironically, as I write all of this, Astarion/Halsin isn't even my favorite Halsin ship; my favorite two are Halsin/Karlach and Halsin/my Dark Urge, LOL. But I can appreciate the ship's best qualities.)

Thank you again for your message! I hope this is an acceptable answer.

[drdemonprince]

Hey Doc, any advice on how to determine at what point something crosses the line from me struggling with nueroconforming communication and becomes discrimination?

Context:

I'm out trans at work but have not disclosed my autism. I am constantly getting tone-policed and told I don't communicate well. I keep implementing feedback and communicating as clearly as I can with the criteria I am given, and I keep getting ignored.

When I'm blunt I'm told I am being harsh and need to be softer. When I'm soft I'm told I need to be more blunt to get my point across. When I'm detailed in asking for something I'm told I need to be more brief if I want people to actually read my requests. When I'm brief my requests are ignored entirely and unless I produce screenshots or email chains I'm told I never asked at all. ETC. No matter what I get ignored until the minor issue I was flagging becomes a huge emergency, and then I am asked why I did not say anything sooner.

While this pattern of being ignored has happened to me many times at past workplaces, there were never complaints about my communication skills when I was closeted and boymoding, people just admitted they ignored me and it was their fault. However this is with a new company than the one I worked at before I was out so I'm having a hard time telling if I'm being fucked with for being trans or if this is just the "normal" 'tism office experience but the blame is being shifted to me at this new place. I want to take feedback and learn to be a clearer communicator but starting to feel like my communication is not the issue.

Note: this is not a sexism thing because I have two coworkers and one supervisor who are cis women that do not have this problem, everyone listens to them.

Thanks so much, been pulling my hair out over this for a year now and feel like I'm going crazy.

This is a very, very common experience for trans femme people -- and it is absolutely caused by transmisogyny. I have noticed that trans women truly cannot win. When they explain information carefully to try and educate others, they are accused of being condescending, inaccessible, and difficult to understand. When they cease trying to be heard by people who willfully refuse to hear them, they get criticized for not being approachable or a team player. They're penalized for assertiveness, being told that it's too masculine, and then if they're passive, they get completely ignored.

You are not crazy. You are not making the wrong choice or communicating poorly. You are being targeted by a pervasive systemic bias, and there's probably very little that you could do to make it not happen to you.

A friend of mine once told me that when they were in kind of an awkward-feeling phase of their transition, people suddenly stopped laughing at their jokes. Cashiers, coworkers, random acquaintances at parties, and other people they had easily charmed in the past would suddenly react as if they were not there. Instead of even acknowledging their remarks, my friend was met with a completely neutral stone-faced expression.

For my friend, this phase eventually dissipated and their transition progressed and they arrived at a place where they felt more comfortable and other people found them easier to read by binary, cissexist norms. They still had to deal with sexism in their highly male-dominated workplace, but after a certain point, they became an acknowledgeable human again.

This wasn't about passing as cis, not exactly anyway, because my friend actually never passed as cis ever in their life, not even before their transition. But it was about legibility and their social positioning as a trans femme. When their transition was obviously a thing that was happening but which cis people didn't know how to read or respect, my friend dealt with the full force of transphobic prejudice, and it did ebb a bit once they arrived at a place where they were both more comfortable in themselves, and (probably more importantly, unfortunately) other people were more comfortable with them. The best way I can explain it, from what they told me, was that it was a combination of transmisogyny and hatred of nonbinary and gender-nonconforming people.

It was horrific and unfair that they had to pass through that, and of course many nonbinary and trans femme people live in that area of dehumanization and isolation for all of their lives. But I felt that was a worthwhile anecdote to add, because in some ways it has some parallels to what is happening to you. It might be that gradually people start treating you better, in line with more everyday workplace sexism, as I've witnessed many trans femme people eventually get professionally slotted into a more collectively accepted feminine role after being disrespected for many months or even years. But it does not always happen either, and even when it does, it was after enduring a ton of abuse and learning how tentative people's acceptance always really was -- and there's no unknowing that and unliving it once you have.

I think the workplace culture that you're in is treating you in an unacceptable way, and that you've already tried far more than you should have to in trying to make yourself legible to them. I don't have high hopes that anything you do could have the power to shift this toxically transmisogynistic culture. It's not how you are communicating, it's not how you look, it's not because you're Autistic, it's not because you're a woman -- it's because they are transmisogynistic and are penalizing you for their discomfort and lack of communication skills.

You can, I think, absolve yourself of any feelings of responsibility for managing how other people react to you. Hope can sometimes be a poison that we keep drinking over and over again, believing that we have control over whether or not it will harm us. It's okay to accept instead that nothing good will come of drawing from that well, and choosing not to imbibe it.

The choice for you, then, is how best to survive in an environment where you are treated this way. What can you do to document that you are performing the work as asked? Can you request examples or templates of 'correctly' done work, or explanations, so that you can point out that you are meeting expectations as they have been outlined? Are there people at work who have been treated unfairly too, whom you can communicate with?

(Transmisogyny, I have noticed, often parallels anti-Blackness in certain mechanisms that it uses. Many Black people are accused of being "confusing" to understand when they try to explain basic experiences of bias, or are seen as too "hostile" in similar ways, particularly Black women, and sometimes community can be built along those or other lines. If you have a union, I would certainly consider speaking to union leadership about this if you trust them. Be careful in how you go about agitating against pervasive problems like these at work -- the messenger is frequently punished. But, you might find some solace and some possibility of a culture change in the long-term if it is fought for alongside comrades rather than alone.)

Realistically, you will probably need to build an escape route for yourself. Whether that's by psychologically detaching from your workplace as much as possible, letting them fail for having not listened to you, and finding your belonging elsewhere, or whether that's by finding another job or quitting is for you to decide. I wish the options were better, but I think taking honest stock of what the problem is and accepting that it's not a social dynamic that you have the power to correct can be clarifying, at least. I hope people with similar experiences will sound off in the comments with advice or validation.

Best of luck, and I'm so sorry this is happening. Please keep me updated on what ends up working best for you.

[bloodyshadow1]

just my feelings on the bad kids and their class levels/classes right now. It's just my opinion, I am not bashing the multiclasses or the players choices

Adaine- Love it, she's an 11th level wizard, i get that multiclassing can be fun, but for some classes it's just better, imo, to just stay the course because having access to upper level spells can be more useful than a multiclass. I'm sure there's a broken wizard multiclass, but I think it just fits her better to stay a wizard throughout. Sometimes with full casters, I could see dipping into monk or Barbarian for the ac buff, but neither would help her so It's probably best for her to stay a wizard since she has access to 6th level spells since leveling up

Kristen- Same as Adaine, I personally like full casters to stay the course and keep on keeping on. again I'm sure there's a broken cleric other class build, like Saccharina from ACOC, but I'm not sure anything other than paladin would fit Kristen. A lot of her issues are mental and Tracker was right about her not wanting to do the boring stuff. I like her having to discover what she wants out of being a cleric rather than her dropping it because it's not exactly what she wants for something new.

Riz- 11 levels of rogue, though from the beginning of the season he's now an arcane trickster instead of an inquisitor which I think is more helpful and just a better fit. He's still a detective, but he's also kind of a secret agent so having access to magic helps and fits his character growth. Also he never really used a lot of the inquisitor abilities that often and his perception wasn't that good to justify the subclass. I'm also glad he is staying a full rogue so far, I think given the mechanics of Junior year so far, it would put a lot of strain on him to try and do more than just a single course track

Now for the multiclassers

Fabian- I think both taking levels of bard and going from champion fighter to battlemaster was the best choice for him. I think overall he was a fighter because he was taught to be one, but overall the boy is a bard at his core. The flourishes the spells, the charisma proficiency, they're what Fabian wants more than what he gets from being a fighter. Fabian has always wanted to be popular and stand out while being a great warrior and a swords college bard fits that better than being a fighter, a class he seems to have very little attachment to. Currently he is a 6 fighter 5 bard, since he was a level 8 fighter and gave up 3 levels to take in bard when he was depressed he has boosted up 2 levels in that class vs 1 in fighter. After the initial class level trading he hasn't decreased his levels in fighter, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does in the future.

Gorgug- this is where I get a bit critical, I don't really know if Artificer Barbarian is a good multiclass. I've seen some people say it's amazing while others say it's terrible, I have no clue. from what I can tell it doesn't look like it's super good, it's a support class and a tinkerer so it does fit Gorgug, but I don't think it really is that efficient with the Bad Kid's party comp. Fabian and Gorgug were the front line fighters, Gorgug being the tank and DPS while Fabian was a striker dps with a good hp pool and ac, but Barbarians soak up damage better than any class. It's also hard to be a caster (even a half/third caster like Artificier, and be a barbarian because you can't cast spells or even concentrate on them when you rage which is obviously a problem. It's just hard to imagine gorgug as an battlesmith, which I assume he is, since other than the steeldefender it doesn't give him anything he doesn't already have as a barbarian. We also don't know any of his infusions so it's hard to really be attached to Gorgug as an artificer when we don't really seem him artifice. That being said, he's Zac's character so whatever he wants is gonna happen. Since Gorgug has been trading an additional level in barbarian for artificer (6 barb/5 art) I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually drops barbarian all together. I think a barbarian is more useful, but I can understand why Zac would want Gorgug to go down the artificer path instead and I support it.

Fig- Honestly, Fig's multiclassing is the strangest to me because I can't really wrap my head around it. She so far only has 2 levels of warlock to her 9 of bard, even last level up she took another level of Bard, the two levels she took of warlock were in freshman year and she never really looked back. That being said, from the recent eps, it seems like she likes the warlock classes better, she isn't even sure if she wants to be a bard anymore. which I find kind of a shame because she also liked the 1 bard class she took. Emily is a master multiclasser so I'm sure Fig is gonna be great whatever and will be who Emily wants her to be. I'm hoping she doesn't become a paladin because, even if it's to replace her levels in Bard, despite hexblade being one of the best combos with paladin. It just feels like Fig as the character took levels/are planning to take levels in other classes to make other people happy. She became a warlock because she found her devil father and wanted to be closer to him, she offered to become a paladin for Cassandra to help out Kristen, but I think that's selfless, but it doesn't help her as a person. Sometimes you can be too selfless to a point where it's bad for you. Emily can of course do whatever, but I'll be a bit sad if has Fig giving up on being a bard. Like with Kristen it seems like Fig just doesn't want to do the uncool stuff and that's gonna be with anything she tries. I think she's running away from what she wants herself to be to make things easier/more exciting and I think it's going to backfire.

I will also say, it's not exactly fair for Brennan to poison her bardic abilities. I'll say more on the topic on another post but it's still how I feel.