#and so there's this disconnect that happens because i have many ideas and desires to create but i feel (even if it might not be true)

[hoziersong]

do you mind if i ramble in the tags about my weird relationship with making art in fandom for a second

[neverendingford]

.

[geospiral]

Taking a look at Mizi and Ivan as symbolic of Till’s desire for escapism vs. having to acknowledge the cruel reality he lives in:

When people think about Ivan and the idea that Till “never looked at him,” many people take this claim either in the literal sense or in the sense that Till was not appreciative of Ivan’s presence when he was still alive, both of which can be disproven with canon material. However, I want to take this idea and apply it in another way, of Ivan being the reality that Till does not want to acknowledge or face.

One of the most defining aspects of Ivan’s character is his rejection of idealism, to the point that you could honestly say that he leans towards nihilism. This is in great contrast to Mizi pre-Round 1, who was sheltered as a child and throughout most of her young adulthood, right up until the actual Alien Stage competition itself. The disconnect between these two and their worldviews can most readily be seen when comparing their intimacy levels with each other, with Ivan having a hard time relating to Mizi due to her innocence, whereas Mizi, although very fond of Ivan, seemingly only knows the version of him that he specifically curated and hid behind for the sake of survival.

(Text: "Intimacy: 75%. A cool friend with a prince-like smile! The object of every child's admiration! Whenever I don't know something, he's always kind and teaches me.")

(Text: "Intimacy: 30%. I like Mizi because she has a purity that is free of lies. As you get older, its natural to become pessimistic about your situation. But sometimes... its so bright it's difficult.")

(Text screeshot taken from a previous post)

Till was most definitely a witness to the different faces Ivan wore, being one of only two people that Ivan let his mask down around. But Till knew Ivan even before he started actively masking, before their first fight even, when he saw Ivan small and beaten from his holding cell.

Ivan is like Till’s shadow, ever present. Shown to us to almost always try to be by Till’s side even in his worst moments, especially in his worst moments. And while the two of them are friends, and I’m sure Till is glad that he doesn’t have to go through his ordeals completely alone, what comes with Ivan is an aching reminder of Till’s cruel reality. With Ivan there to care for Till in the aftermath of his mistreatments, there is now a witness that also carries the knowledge of what happened to him, and that can be both comforting and horrifying. These are no longer contained occurrences between Till and his abusers that Till can try and use escapism (Mizi) to ignore. Ivan knows and will always be by Till’s side, and so will the reality of Till’s circumstances.

This isn’t to say that Ivan’s presence is a detriment to Till but far from it! Reality cannot be fully ignored; you must come to acknowledge what is or has happened to you and then go forward with that to try and see what can be done about it.

Which leads us to the meteor show incident.

Till taking Ivan’s hand and leaving what he knows behind is NOT him ignoring reality but is him trying to escape from the constant abuse he suffers. Till should never have to “accept” the torture he is put through, and neither should anyone else who is in an abusive situation. The meteor shower escape attempt is simply a chance for something to be done about Till's circumstances—to leave and hopefully be able to live a life more independent and free away from the creatures and system that torments him, similar to Hyuna’s own escape.

It must be reiterated that in this moment, however, Till is leaving everything he knows behind, his entire life up until this point, and that scares him...

Till letting go of Ivan’s hand isn’t as simple as “Till running back to his crush." It's Till not wanting to leave behind the most prominent source that he’s used to cope with basically everything in his life.

And obviously Till cares for Mizi as a person, but he also sees her as much more than that. She is his light in the dark; she is his hope—innocent and yet to be scarred by the world.

Till going back is NOT a failure on his part or something that he can be blamed for. It's sad, but also incredibly human and understandable. A lot of people would have probably gone back, choosing familiarity over the unknown. I probably would have gone back.

Talking about Round 6 now, it makes perfect sense how devastated Till is over Mizi’s disappearance. It's important to face reality, yes, but it's also important to have something to emotionally rely upon to get you through your darkest moments. Outside of Mizi, Till doesn’t really have anything that he uses to comfort himself; sure, he writes and draws, but he’s made those things about Mizi with her being his muse.

Till’s obsession with Mizi isn’t healthy, but it's also all he believes he has. Ivan is still there, of course, but he’s not like Mizi. Till could never view him in the same light as he does Mizi, but at least he’s still here. Him being the only one left, a reminder of all he's lost, sure, but he's still here.

Then he pulls his stunt, and he’s gone.

And Till, who had decided to give up in the absence of Mizi, is forced to really look.

I don't have much to say about Round 7 because I'm not entirely sure how to feel about it yet, but I want to point out that Till didn't know that Mizi was trying to save him. When he was singing and fighting for his life on that stage, he was doing it for himself. He wanted to live! Despite everything he wanted to live, and the importance of that and that he was doing this for himself cannot be undersold.

[certifiedsexed]

Hi! So, I'm asexual. I know I'm asexual. Like, I didn't realize sex was something people my age were engaging in until I was in like grade 11 because I felt such a disconnect and assumed media just blew everything about sex way out of proportion. I'm also somewhere between sex repulsed and sex neutral. The thought of having sex either seems like and absolute chore (on good days) or is something that makes me feel- no joke- pure , visceral revulsion at the mere thought (on bad ones.) However, I WANT to want sex more than anything. I think on SOME days I'd be ok with being the recieving partner, but I'd never want to reciprocate (ESPECIALLY when it comes to oral sex, thats is something I have always had a really strong negative reaction to thinking about) but being willing to take it and not reciprocate out seems unfair to whoever I'd be with (i've been told it's selfish or rude when i've expressed this to friends), even if me engaging in any sort of sexual activity in the first place would be for their sake (relationships are about compromise and thats a compromise I'd be okay with). That said, I'm not sure a partner out there like that exists and I'm tired of the well meaning bullshit I get from friends being like 'you'll find someone who's gonna love you for you' because no, I haven't and chances are I won't. I'm biromantic, but I experience more attraction to women but still wouldn't really want to have sex with any of them, and considering theres a lot of buzz about how 'lesbian sex is the best sex' because both partners typically consistently and frequently get off, it seems like a bit of a reach to think I could find a girl willing to date me who doesn't want sex. Yes, other asexual folks exist, but considering i don't tend to advertize the fact I'm ace and because I don't dress in a way that could get me clocked as queer, I don't tend to meet a lot (read, any) ace people in my daily life. ANYWAY this is kind of a really in depth plea of me basically asking if there is any resource or literature that can teach me or make me not necessarily DESIRE sex (because I know that can't happen) but mentally become okay with engaging in sex. Like could I, a generally sex repulsed asexual, somehow become a sex favourable asexual through some sort of therapy or other means?

Hi!

Here's the thing, Anon. It's not unfair, selfish or rude to prefer not to reciprocate and/or "take it" during sex. That's just a preference. In fact, in the lesbian community, that's often called being a "stone bottom".

Your friends are in fact incorrect and you should know that having sexual preferences like that are never unfair or rude: you just have to communicate with your partner(s). It's literally fine.

But also, you're talking about being sex repulsed. Sex feels like a chore to you. It's not a good idea to look at sex as a chore you're willing to do for your partner. Especially when sex does make you feel ill often enough it's worth noting.

I'm not saying you can't do it but I am saying if you don't pay attention to your own boundaries, you might just wind up resenting your partner and not being able to tell where your "Hard No's" [As in boundaries that are non-negotiable and that you are not compromising on!!!] are.

It's okay if sex is a Hard No for you, even if it doesn't always make you feel ill. That's your right.

And yes, there is a lot of buzz about lesbian sex being the best. (Which partially has a lot to do with lesbophobia and the cisheteronormative views on lesbian sex "not even being sex".) But that does not mean it's a reach that another girl would want to date you without sex.

It doesn't have to be a girl who doesn't want sex, Anon; there are so many different ways to have sex and ways people enjoy it. For example, there are people who only enjoy masturbation or simply don't mind not having sex with others, especially if it means they can date someone they like.

I genuinely can't help you on finding something that will make you "okay" with engaging in sex and I'm really sorry, Anon.

You could try a sex therapist (they're supposed to be equipped for all manners of issues related to sex) but I don't feel comfortable pointing to any specific therapy methods when a lot of them are based in the idea people are "wrong" in some way for being sex repulsed and they're often hurtful and unhealthy.

But I can say that I'd really recommend joining some online ace communities, specifically with other lesbians/sapphics and talk to some other ace people there. This isn't a you issue, Anon, these are all very common worries that ace people, specifically alloace people have and it might help to talk to other people with similar experiences.

I wish I could help more. Let me know if you have any other questions, Anon. <3

[meimi-haneoka]

Clear Card Trivia 3 ~ Sakura's journey of growth and self-understanding throughout Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

Hello and welcome back to my "Clear Card Trivia" series, a collection of informative posts where I delve into certain aspects of the story of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card! ✨

The topic I will talk about today has been on my "to-do list" for long time. It's something I felt the need to talk about, and I won't hide the reason why: the desire to fully eviscerate this topic grew particularly after reading around certain criticism of Clear Card Arc. But also after listening to CLAMP's Twitter Spaces, particularly the ones towards the end of the story.

It's something that, setting aside my obvious love for the new characters, will always make me think that Clear Card Arc has been a very welcome addition to the series.

This post will delve into Sakura's growth throughout Clear Card Arc.

Sakura grew up considerably during the story, and had a character development that sadly not many people truly realized.

I'm not talking about an evolution of the character design which, despite changing and evolving throughout the story (as it's expected for a long-running serialization), kept depicting Sakura consistently with quite young looks...no, I'm talking about her mental growth, in relation to her self-knowledge and her relationship with her magic powers.

A journey that might almost feel "frustrating", because it is full of "up and downs", and Sakura sometimes seems to be taking one step forward and two back. Aside from the obvious practical reasons (the plot had to develop several other storylines simultaneously), it very much reflects the realistic growth of a pre-teen, which is never a straight line but is made of improvements and relapses.

Along the journey, I couldn't really avoid mentioning some bits of the development of Sakura's relationship with Syaoran, which will get its own deep and detailed post another day.

There's also an extra about the significance of the Clear Cards in the story, at the end.

I have to be honest, the post is very long, but I tried to insert visual elements to make it easier on the eye. If you're curious to know how the hell I found so much to talk about for this specific topic, follow me under the cut and dive into Sakura's journey throughout Clear Card (it's also a good way to review the story)! ✨

A Disconnected Beginning

Clear Card Arc starts in a very "festive" and happy way: everything is peaceful, a new exciting chapter of Sakura's educational life is starting with the beginning of middle school, Syaoran is back to Tomoeda, this time to stay forever with his beloved girl...everything seems so perfect. And precisely in chapter 1, before everything takes an unexpected turn, we have this scene here, which I consider the "true" beginning of everything:

Sakura says "I haven't been using this lately...well, that's for the better".

At the beginning of Clear Card Arc, Sakura seems to be feeling disconnected from her natural gift.

Despite she had to go on a quest to collect all the Clow Cards, which later she gave a new life to by changing them into Sakura Cards, we have to remember that Sakura was born with magic powers. They weren't bestowed on her by Kero-chan, nor by the contract with the Clow Book: she always had magic in her blood, and it apparently "woke up" on that fateful day she found the Clow Book in the library of her father.

At the beginning of this arc, Sakura seems to think that the purpose, the meaning of this natural gift which is literally part of herself, has been fulfilled by transforming all the Cards, and splitting Eriol's power as he had requested. Her words here seem to be suggesting a general idea of "if I have to use this key (therefore, my magic powers), it means something troublesome is happening, so it's better if I'm not using it because it means everything is okay".

And although we can't really deny that what happened afterwards is far from being able to be considered "peaceful", this scene here always left a bad taste in my mouth because there's almost a negative vibe attached to the idea of her magic, transpiring from Sakura's words. It's almost as if she's politely rejecting it.

Precisely after she places her Star Key in her jewelry box, probably hoping to never have to use it again, she has her first premonitory dream of the events that will shake her life afterwards. Almost as if her powers were trying to tell her "no my dear, this is you and you'd better come to terms with it as soon as possible".

Then, as we all know, the Cards turn blank. Sakura produces a new key while having another dream and a quest to fight and "secure" some strange phenomena happening around her begins, leaving her in a state of increasing confusion.

This is the beginning of the part of the story that I quite literally call "Sakura loses sight of herself".

At this very early stage of the story, she still doesn't know that she started losing control over her increasing magical power, and it is definitely not a coincidence that all of this began when she thought of shutting her main magic tool away in a box, hoping to ignore it forever. For plot reasons, this also happens simultaneously to Syaoran taking the spirits of the Sakura Cards away from her (because in the beginning, you had to be tricked into thinking he was up to something shady and was the real mastermind behind all the incidents).

Syaoran expected for Sakura to lose control over her powers, as his mother predicted a general period of trouble for her that could lead her to unhappiness, albeit without any clear indication of what could happen: Syaoran came to Japan knowing something was bound to happen to his girl and her powers, and that something was going to lead her to grief, but he had no idea about all the rest. So his uncertain and reckless approach, which ended up in some cases worsening the situation, is also somewhat understandable. He was acting like a worried, overprotective boyfriend at his wit's end.

The strange events, which Sakura materializes into a new set of Cards, surely leave her distraught and confused, not to mention the situation with the Sakura Cards and Eriol's missing replies, but I feel that what really destabilizes her core are the constant dreams she gets, sometimes even in the middle of her waking hours, making her faint on the spot wherever she is.

Premonitory dreams are a part of her natural gift that she began to express ever since the OG manga, but she never seemed to really understand them or take them seriously.

This time around, she keeps seeing this cloaked figure and this terrifying dragon, no one speaks a word despite her relentless questions and the cloaked figure seems to be wanting to take her newly made key away (Lilie!!! what were you trying to do!! *facepalm* she probably tried to pull her closer so she could talk to her), so it's just normal that all of that leaves her increasingly stressed and anxious, even though initially you never see her openly and verbally stating that, due to her overall positive nature ("I'll manage it, somehow" is part of her "everything will be alright" invincible spell, and this is indeed what she keeps telling herself in the beginning of the arc, even though in some occasions it turned out to be a double-edged sword, as sometimes it looked more like sweeping her fears under the carpet, to me).

"Something Is Not Right"

Dream after dream, Card after Card, Sakura begins to have these general feelings of discomfort and of "something is not right, here", as she openly states to Syaoran in this scene of volume 4, chapter 14. There's something about this situation that is pricking her sixth sense, and makes her uneasy, but she can't quite put her finger on it yet. All she can do is to keep "fighting" these phenomena happening around her, hoping to find out more along the way. She reiterates the same feeling of uneasiness at the end of chapter 15, after what I consider one of the most concerning side-effects of her poor control over her powers: Sakura seems almost "in trance" while she leads her guardians to the exit of the maze, and acts in a very uncharacteristic, cold way by shoving her bag in front of Yue to make him hold it for her. It's almost as if her magical sixth sense worked too strongly and warped her personality in that moment: an effect that has been mentioned several times in relation to powerful magicians like Clow, Eriol and later Kaito too, so it's not farfetched at all to attribute this one-off occurrence to her loss of control over her strong powers, which ended up affecting her personality too. Luckily, it didn't happen again in the rest of the story and the capture of this Card was completely changed in the anime (a wise decision imho, since the JP fandom is particularly fussy about the integrity of Sakura's character, and she needed to stay "Sakura" in order to do what she did at the end).

At the culmination of a "mini arc" (the visit to great-grandpa Masaki) characterized by uncontrolled visions of Nadeshiko, another frightening dream (one that ended up dragging even Akiho in, due to the synchronization) and Sakura for the first time ever confronting Syaoran about the things he's been hiding from her, we reach the following scene of volume 5, chapter 23.

"I Wish I Had A Mirror"

I always considered this scene extremely important, because for the first time Sakura spells out clearly the inner turmoil that's been gnawing at her soul ever since this ordeal with the new Cards started.

"The truth is...I'm the worst at understanding myself. And that is probably causing lots of concern to everyone." "I wish I had a mirror. A mirror that could reflect the real me. Then, I would probably understand how to not make everyone worry"

Here, Sakura clearly spells out the frustration of knowing, feeling in her bones that there's something wrong with her, something that she's not understanding about herself, and that something is causing problems, but most importantly, is causing her loved ones to worry about her. Let's not forget that not only Syaoran, but also Yukito, Touya, Fujitaka, Tomoyo, Eriol & his family have all been watching her situation in apprehension, each of them making decisions and moving discretely in a direction they felt was right (and admittedly, not all instances were so).

Sakura can somehow feel all of that, she can feel that it's related to something she still hasn't realized about herself. This tends to be forgotten because it happens in a relatively early part of the plot, but notice how this is the same problem Kaito suffers from. A quite stunted ability to understand oneself. Sakura and Kaito definitely have lots in common, when it comes to this specific part of themselves. Keep this in mind, because it'll be relevant later.

And then, the situation worsens.

Sakura's dreams start to terrify her, because they begin to show Syaoran's face under the cloak of the mysterious figure who's scaring her in her dreams. An apparent truth she cannot accept, she won't accept, even though she's still unsure about what exactly these dreams she's having are. Despite her boyfriend has been acting shady for long time, she decides to trust him and wait for him to talk to her about all the stuff he's holding inside, instead of putting him through the wringer. This also means, though, that Sakura will keep all her fears to herself, eventually bottling up.

Furthermore, Kaito starts to rewind time to fix a situation without a way out (in chapter 28, Akiho was on the verge of going berserk completely and unleash the artifact), creating an additional sense of confusion when Sakura can feel that her finger is numb due to strain, but she can't understand why (she had fought Kaito's time magic unconsciously). Whenever Kaito will rewind time, even later on, Sakura's magical sixth sense will try to wake her consciousness up more and more, giving her these vibes of "deja vu" or making her act in an apparently inexplicable way.

In the first part of Clear Card, Sakura sometimes literally looks like a soul wandering about in confusion, dragged by the events.

I wish to point out that this is not a flaw in the characterization, it is a precise design by CLAMP. Sakura IS, in this part of the story, confused and lost, overwhelmed by the events. She has no idea how to approach this matter other than "treating the symptoms" as they come. This happens because she's still, surprisingly, quite reluctant to embrace a fundamental part of herself: her innate magic power, which expresses itself mainly through her intuition. But we'll gradually get there.

Around chapter 30, before the big realization, Sakura's situation reached a point where:

- her Sakura Cards unexpectedly became blank; - almost everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) there's a new incident that she secures into new transparent Cards; - she constantly sees ominous dreams (in scattered order) with a cloaked figure acting in a questionable way and a scary dragon, and at some point she starts seeing her boyfriend under that cloak; - her boyfriend acts shady, Eriol doesn't reply to her messages; - there's a general feeling of "something is not right" with her magic and some stuff starts to not make sense to her (because Kaito rewinds time)

It is at this point that Sakura finally moves one (giant) step forward and connects all the "puzzle pieces" she collected (particularly, how much more "obvious" the creation of a Card became) and understands that she's been the one causing subconsciously each and every single incident that lead to the creation of a new transparent Card.

"I'm Angry At Myself"

And with Syaoran finally coming clean with her (because at that point he had no reason to keep things hidden anymore, as the thing he was trying to delay ultimately happened - and believe me, I'm sure he partly felt relieved to not need to lie anymore, as that took quite a toll on him too), Sakura can at last give an explanation to at least a part of the things that are happening. And she finally realizes that the doubt that was tormenting her was true: she DID, in fact, not understand something very important about herself, she didn't realize that it was her own power going out of control and that all the incidents that happened bore "her magic signature", so to speak. She failed to "tune in" with her magic.

For the first time ever, Sakura expresses anger at herself.

She will direct that anger (to a lesser extent) to Syaoran too, but I'll tackle that in a separate post.

This is a moment of deep reflection and regrets for Sakura: the poor understanding of herself, the poor "communication" between her heart and her magic powers brought to a situation where her most beloved person was putting himself in danger in order to protect her, while trying to not make things escalate. This is a very sensitive, beautiful and important moment, steeped in conflicting and complex feelings (and remember, Sakura is just a pre-teen. It is normal for a pre-teen like her to not understand herself, but there's just one tiny detail: she's not a common pre-teen, due to her natural gift, and she needs to take that into account). Eventually Sakura calms down, and after creating Rewind, her resolute face while hugging tightly Syaoran suggests that from now on she'll face this matter from another, more courageous and determined perspective.

Or at least, these were her good intentions. Because unfortunately, insecurities are hard to eradicate and in the central part of the story it's shocking to realize how far longer Sakura will insist in shutting away her emotions and refusing to listen to her heart (and intuition) fully.

"It's Just My Imagination"

Part of Sakura's anxiety might have been sedated with the revelation that the Clear Cards are produced by the girl herself, but unfortunately the true core of her problems was not solved at all and will only surface more clearly in the next 20 chapters.

Sakura actively starts having "premonitory bad feelings" when she sees Akiho in volume 7 chapter 34, a bad feeling that she does check with Syaoran, but quickly dismisses as "well, it's just my imagination". This will basically be one of the major problems preventing her from reaching the complete control of her magic. Sakura, knowing her magic potential, should've given way more credit to her sixth sense, but her anxiety, her insecurity and her crippled connection to her innate gift still pushes her to dismiss these "signs" as nothing really important or true. Timely as hell, a few hours later something bad will indeed happen to Akiho, where she completely loses consciousness for the first time and the clan/Association actively starts to absorb Sakura's power through the artifact implanted in Akiho. All of this was caused by the high concentration of magic that "triggered" Akiho's artifact (and here I have to sarcastically "applaud" Kaito, just like Syaoran he's another one who does stuff before thinking through, ultimately worsening the problem).

Once trapped in Akiho's artifact, thanks to her power Sakura can see the most horrifying glimpse of Akiho's past, when she was turned into a magic artifact, by living it on her own skin. And even though Kaito is forced to rewind time once again to save the situation, erasing these memories from Sakura's head, her heart (which is tightly connected to her magical sixth sense - I'd daresay her heart is straight up the source of her magic) DOES REMEMBER, pushing Sakura to act in an apparently irrational way, crying and hugging Akiho tight in empathy. Sakura is particularly shaken by this feeling, still in pain even hours later, but once again she doesn't understand where it comes from. However, she does express with Syaoran an intention to talk to him about it once she's able to put it into words, and in the meantime do her best with all the rest. At least, there's an intention to understand better this part of herself, but it's still soon to see actual results.

Aaand CLAMP really seem to be wanting to test Sakura in this arc, because at this point of the plot, they add the electrocution spell. 😅 No one seems to understand who caused it (it's not Sakura, nor Kaito, but now we know it was none other than Yelan!!) and Sakura's anxiety increases once again. The fact only Syaoran gets affected by it inevitably reignites the doubts in her mind, unwittingly reminded of that terrifying dream of Cloaked Syaoran she keeps seeing...but she stubbornly keeps telling herself "no, it's not like that, it's just a dream". It's undeniable that this situation where she cannot understand her foretelling dreams yet, and the way they show her scattered hints because her power is out of control, has surely contributed to Sakura's insecurity when it comes to trust her own intuition.

Her power is so out of control at this point, that even when Kaito shrinks her and throws her in a hole carved into a tree (landing in a "world" created with magic where he hopes she'll create the right Card) her dreams take over again (it's apparent by the "shaaan" sound and how everything turns suddenly pitch black, a common background of her dreams), showing her Akiho in the dress she was wearing when she was turned into an artifact and, inevitably, Sakura's biggest fear, "Cloaked Syaoran". Pay attention because these visions she's getting here thanks to her power match what will happen later on: what the talking flowers tell her here will turn out to be the beginning of the lyrics of the main theme of the "Alice in Clockland" play. This vision of Cloaked Syaoran seemingly "about to do something" to Akiho horrifies Sakura to the point of screaming in terror and creating one of the most unsettling Cards, "Break". It is after this very scary moment that Sakura starts to wonder very specifically for what purpose she is creating all these Cards. The purpose is actually more than one, but she definitely posed herself THE RIGHT question, as this brings her one step closer to the core of the problem and eventually embracing her own magic abilities.

Then, between chapters 43 and 45 we finally start to see some changes in Sakura: surprisingly, she begins to listen more to her sixth sense, first catching Yukito red-handed while activating a newly acquired magic, and then wondering about a strange painful feeling in her chest when her father tells her that lately she and Akiho became even more similar. We were all lead to believe that this was the foreshadowing of Akiho taking her place (cause everything in the plot at this point deceivingly hints at Kaito wanting to switch them), but she actually was getting foreshadowings of the "rewritten world", where Sakura would genuinely feel wrecked to know that someone important to Akiho was missing, precisely when Akiho would've become part of her family as her twin. In fact, in chapter 45, before falling completely asleep, she hears again the ominous "you won't be able to come back" (the Association's threat to Kaito), wondering WHO wouldn't be able to come back - somehow, Sakura knows that it's not directed at her.

"Just Tell me Honestly How You Feel"

And then, we reach another moment that I consider pivotal for Sakura's growth during this Clear Card Arc. The moment when she's on the verge of breaking down and finally lets all her feelings out.

Her anxiety over the dream with the Cloaked Figure reached the highest peak, so much that she finally manifests a Card, Mirage, that challenges her precisely with that appearance. While Sakura battles that Card (which at the moment she still believes it's an actual person), she seems resoluted to get to the bottom of this story, and to pull down that hood to know the truth. You can really feel that she's so done with all this psychological torture. The fact the real Syaoran appears right at that moment and she finds out the person she saw was just a Card is partly a relief for her, but also throws Sakura again in despair because who the hell is that person in the dream, then??

Syaoran, as the good and attentive boyfriend he is, can just feel that Sakura is stressing over something, so he brings her to his home to help her calming down. And to her umpteenth attempt at sweeping her negative emotions under the carpet, beating around the bush commenting over the tea with a fake smile, he cuts immediately her bullshit and just tells her : "You don't need to force yourself. Just tell me how you feel right now". When she hears that she's allowed to speak out her emotions with honesty, Sakura wears on her face one of the most heartbreaking expressions of the entire manga. She's literally about to break down in tears of exhaustion, as you can see it above. ☝️ Listening to her, gradually, Syaoran encourages Sakura to get out all that's been torturing her lately, particularly about the dream with the Cloaked Figure. It is a very difficult moment for her, because she has to relive the dream, and expose in front of him all the fears and doubts that were trying to tamper with her trust in him. Courageously, she goes through with it, even though her denial ("it's just a dream!") is so strong that she ends up creating another Card: "Dreaming". Sakura at first seems relieved to see the Card, in the hope that everything she saw was indeed a mere messed up dream and nothing else (see? she's again self-sabotaging her relationship with her magic) but Syaoran with his frankness is quick to bring her feet on the ground: the kanji on the Card show "yumemi", and the word can also indicate a "foretelling dream".

Although Sakura seems disheartened at first, her next dream with the Cloaked Figure is much more relaxed, so much that even the dragon doesn't particularly scare her anymore: our girl's intuition makes her correctly feel a sense of loneliness in this dream, which she attributes to the hooded figure, not realizing that it was more likely coming from the dragon itself (aka, Kaito). After all, in chapter 72, Lilie will confirm that her presence ended up distracting her from the one "character" she should've paid all of her attention to. Her intuition, despite being misattributed, ended up having a positive effect through the synchronization with Akiho: the girl will wake up with the same feeling of discomfort of her friend, and as if guided by hitsuzen, she will head to the garden where she'll find a sickly Kaito staring at the moon - most likely feeling the loneliness Sakura perceived in her dream. I like to think that in this scene of chapter 48, Sakura subconsciously helped Akiho comforting Kaito, by waking her up with the unresting feeling, precisely when Kaito needed it the most. Still not completely embraced her magical sixth sense yet, but a significant improvement.

The road between chapter 48 and chapter 52 is paved with lots of struggles, as the Mirror Sakura Card gets stolen by Kaito, Sakura runs the risk of being absorbed into Akiho's artifact again, she meets Momo for the first time and she's even given a hint about Kaito's plan (or what Momo thought was his plan, as he had benignly lied to her about that), but almost all of that gets rewound and erased when Kaito intervenes. Moreover, despite not remembering anything consciously, Sakura is left with a sense of unhappiness when she looks at her home, a remnant of her brief journey in the world of Momo's book which straight up threw her into despair, showing her what her life would be if everyone forgot about her. She also finds once again a Card produced out of nowhere, "Time": I'm convinced she produced this Card because her conscience was awake while Momo and Kaito talked in stopped time, and their conversation triggered her sixth sense to produce Time as a result. Needless to say, all of this worsens her state of mind once again, which leads to the other pivotal, and finally resolutive, scene of chapter 52.

Never Avert Your Eyes From Your Heart

We finally get to what I consider THE scene, the one that will definitively shake Sakura from her deadlock, from the anxiety that stunted her connection with her innate gift and her deepest emotions. And the one who helps her overcoming all her fears is, of course, the love of her life - with a honorable mention for none other than his mother Yelan!!

Chapter 52 got a very, very special place in my heart, because it's basically one giant parallel between SyaoSaku and YunaAki. The two pairings experience similar situations, but the response from one side of each pairing is quite different. Let's remind you for a moment of the part earlier in this post when I told you that Kaito and Sakura, for most of Clear Card, surprisingly have one thing in common: they don't seem to understand themselves well enough, and both have a tendency to look away from feelings that cause unrest to their hearts - anxiety for Sakura, love for Kaito.

Syaoran, always attentive and observant towards his girlfriend, notices immediately that Sakura is suffering, as soon as he sees her at school. Despite being unable to touch her to comfort her, he offers all of himself to support and listen to her concerns. Sakura is visibly and pleasantly surprised of how the boy could read behind her mask, that usual contrived smile with which she tries to dissimulate her emotions and not make him worry. A bad habit she's consolidated lately, but that Syaoran is gently determined to dismantle. After opening up with him (and this is where Sakura differs from Kaito - by having an established relationship made of love and trust with Syaoran, Sakura lowers her walls with him), she falls once again into the usual trap of "but maybe it's just my imagination" and I love to see how Syaoran is her anchor to the ground, making her see the concreteness of this situation: he straight up tells her "you produced a Card out of it, it cannot be 'just your imagination'. " And then, like a precious family gift, he passes on to her the priceless words of wisdom of his mother Yelan, an advice that not only Sakura, but also the other "lost soul" of the other paralleling pairing should listen to:

"People with magical power should never ignore the turmoil and stirring in their hearts, the so-called 'intuition'. And it’s not limited to people with magical powers. People should never avert their eyes from the changes in their heart."

This is a turning point for Sakura. These words seem to positively "break" something inside of her, showing her the correct path to follow. CLAMP beautifully portray this process of "embracing and assimilating" the words she's just heard, by making her place her hand over her heart. I love when they do that (they used the same visual when Akiho heard Kaito's true name, and 'wrote it' on the most important page of the book of her life). Sakura is truly grateful for the words Syaoran relayed to her, precisely what she needed to get out of her impasse with her feelings and magic. She knows she can always count on the support of her soulmate even in the darkest moments, and she's thankful for having him in her life.

From this moment onwards, Sakura will experience several instances where her magical premonitory senses give her signals through the "stirring" of her heart. Contrarily to before, she starts to actively take them seriously, listening, without dismissing them as the delirium of an anxious little girl. This allows her to activate the Siege Card in the fraction of a second, successfully shielding herself from Kaito's time magic, making her the first person ever who achieved that. This also leads her to effectively remember that she saw Kaito using magic, even when time was rewound by him, and contact immediately Syaoran to talk about it, planning how to move from that moment onwards. A little relapse on her bad habit is immediately dispelled by Syaoran, and our girl even goes as far as saying "there's something inside Akiho", even though she's not sure exactly why she's feeling that way. But it's an intuition she's having and she decides to not dismiss it anymore, with everyone trusting and supporting her in that direction. By listening more and better to what her heart tells her, Sakura also decides to not confront Akiho about Kaito and his magic, because she's well aware of the feelings Akiho got for Kaito and she doesn't want to potentially disrupt their relationship. So, she decides to wait for her friend to talk about it first.

Thanks to this better understanding of her own intuition, she also says in chapter 57 that she wants to meet the guardian of the book "Alice in Clockland" once more, despite not remembering if and when she's met her before. This also ultimately leads her to accept the role of Alice in the upcoming play scripted by her friend Naoko, because her sixth sense tells her that it's inevitable for her to do so. It's important to emphasize how the other characters support and encourage her to listen to her innate gift, at this point, without trampling over her self-determination like they did before.

It is a moment of big growth and character development for everyone.

The Ultimate Growth: Finding a Meaning and a Purpose

What happens afterwards is history: the fateful "Alice in Clockland" play unfolds, and Kaito completes his plan to push Sakura to create the Card he needs, exchanging his magic artifact (the watch) with Akiho's one (the book), in addition to activating the forbidden magic to rewrite the memories of everyone, to fit Akiho as part of Sakura's family.

Sakura's intuition will be crucial to wake her true self up while in Clockland, succeeding in beating Kaito's magic multiple times, till Syaoran comes in and gives the "final blow", cutting off the spell definitively.

And even when everything seems lost because Kaito successfully activated the fobidden magic, changing their memories and erasing himself from their existence, Sakura's magic and sixth sense keep making her say things she either already said or heard before in the "unrewritten world". Not only that, but even after meeting Lilie in a dream and forgetting her face (due to the strong influence of the forbidden spell), bit and pieces of that conversation keep coming back to her, and she listens dutifully to every single one of these "feelings". Kaito might have overridden part of their memories (only the ones concerning him, Akiho and the events connected to the creation of the Cards), but the experience, feelings and personal growth of each character were left untouched, that's why the chemistry between Sakura and Syaoran is the same as before the play started, but also Sakura's personal relationship with her magic is far better than before (an information that might have seemed random and unimportant is that now Sakura summons Mirror even just to chat, an indication of her completely changed perspective on her magic).

Now that Sakura finally embraced her magical power, all that's left for her is to find a true purpose for it.

A question echoes in my mind, "What am I creating these Cards for?". Sakura poses herself this question halfway through the story, and she finds the answer to it precisely at the end of the journey.

Her powerful magic intuition, combined with her immense empathy, leads her to realize that somebody is missing from their reality, and that person is the one Akiho loves. At this point Sakura is unstoppable: she wants to listen to the voice in her heart that's screaming "Go and help them!! Give the true happiness back to Akiho!", and everyone can only follow her lead as she assertively puts into practice what her heart is telling her to do.

Sakura in this final part of the story shines brighter than ever. She's more assertive and self-confident than ever. All of this is because there's something she strongly wants to do with her innate gift, as Eriol unequivocally says in chapter 75: her power grows exponentially again, but this time it's not out of her control - it is Sakura herself who's voluntarily boosting it, thanks to her strong wish. And that allows her to control it and use it exactly as she wants.

In chapter 79 her growth reaches the highest peak, by handling the resolution of Akiho and Kaito's personal problems in an admirable way (she steps aside for a moment to give Akiho all the agency she needed), but also finding herself in front of an uncomfortable dilemma, which leads her to an unavoidable reality: Sakura quickly understands that she cannot be on everyone's side and there are lines to be drawn at some point. She can't be a pure and oblivious girl forever. She needs to grow up. There are choices to be made, especially when dealing with real evil people.

And Sakura choses to go on with the people she loves, even if that means she has to "stain" her "moral record" a little bit.

Empowered by this strong wish to fix the situation, she literally gives life to a miracle, protecting her dear friend and her beloved from the grasp of their abusers, simultanously giving everyone their true memories back. The effort exerts her greatly, but what she achieved is by far the most important thing she's ever done with her magic power till now: she helped two dear people lost in a life-and-death situation. Her magical growth went along with her personal, mental one.

This is also the reason why the accusations of "the other magicians should've trained her" end up being in vain: Sakura's problem with her powers was mainly on a personal level, not on a technical one. This was a journey she had to mainly walk by herself, finding the right balance and confidence in her abilities, deep down in her heart.

No one could've done that for her.

Merely training the practical aspect of it would've just worsened the situation, because Sakura wouldn't have been truly "in it" with her heart and mind. She needed to go through this process of growth, before reaching this stage of self-awareness in relation to her magic powers. I truly feel this is the reason why CLAMP made certain choices inside this story. Again, as I always say, a good part of Cardcaptor Sakura does revolve around magic, but the main focus and linchpin of this story is and always will be the main character's heart, her growth and the interpersonal relationships with her loved ones.

This makes Clear Card Arc, in my opinion, a worthy sequel and a full-fledged part of the Cardcaptor Sakura series. I think those who decide to skip it or read it with a superficial approach miss a journey of tremendous growth for our beloved protagonist.

So much for those who kept saying "This is not Sakura's story".

How can all that ☝️ NOT be Sakura's story?

I'll let you judge. 😊

Extra: The Significance of the Clear Cards

I want to digress for a moment about a thorny topic: the significance of the Clear Cards in this story.

Sakura isn't always completely passive towards the events happening around her, but wonders several times during the story why all those Cards are manifesting like that. While the first and easiest answer is of course "because her powers are going out of control" (and this is something Momo herself questions Sakura about in chapter 50), it becomes apparent at some point that the more the story goes on, the more the Cards that are created by her are particularly relevant and connected to the events that will happen in the final part of the story.

I know this is a sore spot for many who complain about not understanding the purpose of the Clear cards. It's because people tend to compare this set of Cards with the ones Sakura captured previously. That's not the right way to look at them, because their origin and purpose are different and change throughout the story. Forget about the Sakura Cards, even though so many of these "Clear Cards" (which are never called so, not even once, in the story itself, but just "new cards" or "transparent cards") might look so similar in purpose to the previous ones.

First of all, the Clear Cards are an outlet for Sakura to vent in a healthy way her power in excess. Power that if kept inside, untapped and confined in her body, might have unpredictable harmful effects on her (<- probably the grief Yelan foresaw). God bless the Clear Cards for existing and allowing Sakura to vent out these bouts of uncontrolled power in a relatively safe way.

The Cards that Sakura produces in the beginning are sometimes reminiscing of the Sakura Cards, because her power manifests itself basing on Sakura's experiences, feelings, thoughts and wishes. The Sakura Cards are an important part of her life (before Syaoran took them, she literally acted like their "mom", keeping them alive with her power) so it's only normal that the first base for some of these new Cards would be a magic tool that she already knows. In this sense, it becomes easier to understand why many of the "captures" seem so easy, way too easy compared to what a reader would expect from a sequel: the goal of the capture here isn't to make her power and experience in capturing cards grow. She already had 2 arcs to do all of that. The capture of the Cards in this third arc becomes something new and unexpected: a "damage control" of a regrettable situation with Sakura's powers, while she learns to dominate them and enter into harmony with her supernatural abilities. The growth Sakura needs here is mainly a mental one. Performing her magical power aimlessly without having a true connection with it and a true understanding will only exacerbate the problem. This is the reason why, despite having a "capture" element, Clear Card derails from the previous arcs in the purpose of the capture. It's a pity that an element that should've brought freshness to the plot was in many cases received as an actual flaw.

In the beginning, as Sakura's power is completely out of her control, some Cards might look completely random too - they don't look based on Cards, thoughts or wishes (like Appear, Reflect, Action, etc.). But pay attention, because the more the story goes on, the more the Cards begin to become particularly specific to something that shook Sakura's heart in that moment, or referencing events/feelings that will become pivotal to the events Sakura will experience later. Especially regarding Kaito's plan. Many of the later Cards Sakura produces are a direct reflection of the feelings and wishes that Kaito infused in the activation of the forbidden magic, with the creation of "the story for Akiho", the one he wanted to absolutely have a happy ending for. Cards like Repair, Promise, Choice, Kindness, True and False, Synchronization, Rewind....many of them didn't even get to express their magical abilities in a "conventional way" (everyone expected to see Sakura literally activating them like she does with all the others), but it's just because at that point the Cards Sakura is producing are born following her premonitory intuition: thanks to the hints/speeches that those Cards give her in Clockland, Sakura little by little regains consciousness of her true self (it's a pity that many English readers will never realize all the times Sakura was about to "wake up" in Clockland, because the translation didn't respect the change in fonts of the JP text). Sakura wasn't supposed to "use" them in a conventional way (how do you "use" Kindness? You force people to be "kind"? 🤨 and what about Choice??), she was supposed to listen to them and let them guide her towards the truth. This is also the reason why all of these Cards bear the face of her loved ones. Think of them as tarots. Which is, incidentally, another use of the original Clow/Sakura Cards. I am basically sure of this interpretation because the kanji of some of those Cards I mentioned above are brought up during the climax: particularly when Akiho talks to Kaito in chapter 78, she uses two specific verbs, referring to Kindness (慈愛 - a kind of gentle and tender love) when she describes the love and support her family gives her in this rewritten world, and to Choice (選択) when she questions Kaito about his choice to disappear completely from her life. So to summarize, the last Cards Sakura produced "accidentally" weren't accidental at all, but were actually specifically produced by her power in reference to Kaito's plan, to help her finding the way out to a dire situation. This represents a very important indicator in the plot: at that stage of the story, Sakura started to listen more and more to her intuition and her sixth sense, finally quitting her bad habit of downplaying it ("maybe it's just me") but actually giving it credit and taking it seriously, trusting her instinct to lead her in the right direction. And this was, of course, all thanks to the speech Syaoran gave her back in chapter 52. It is also the case of the Rewind Card, which Sakura will ultimately understand the purpose of on her own, at the very end of the series. That's the moment where everything will become clear and make sense to her: "This Card, too...I created it precisely for this moment". The Clear Cards ultimately became the embodiment of her foretelling powers. Which then led to the birth of the first two consciously created Cards, Blank & Remind, which will become so important in the climax.

If we ever get a new arc in the next years, we'll certainly deal with a more mature Sakura, who's more in sync with her magical powers 🩷.

[pacific-rimbaud]

i was reading your thoughts on how fans felt about l&oha and while i concur it is a perfect piece of work in my head and have reread it 5x, i wonder if you think fans tend to be harsher/more critical of hermione and let draco slide? i see it a lot in fics where he's more of an alphahole type

Oh, man. Okay. The can is open, the worms are loose. Rant under the cut.

I'm actually going to set men aside entirely. Just. To the side with you. I desperately need more realistically complicated men, too, but that's a whole separate discussion. Right now: women.

There must be whole dissertations out there on the phenomenon of readers hating female characters with negative traits. I'm a fandom old, so I didn't grow up identifying with Hermione, and wouldn't have even if I'd been young enough to. I did that "which character are you" test just now and my top three matches were Janis Ian from Mean Girls, Jughead from Riverdale and April from Parks and Rec, which, massive grain of salt, etc. BUT gives you an idea. I am not a Hermione and never was, so she's never been a comfort character or self-insert for me. Some of my favorite fictional women are Sophie Hatter (mean, irrational, petty, old and mostly loving it), Harrowhark Nonagesimus (evil stick), Phryne Fisher (zero fucks to give). What I like about Hermione is how imperfect she is. I'm a "cleverest witch of your age I've ever met" truther (book!Lupin is absolutely saying "you're the canniest 14 year-old child I have personally met, saying this as a guy who doesn't get out much," not "you are a once-in-a-century genius"), and from my perspective, she's often wrong and often a dick, and not in a fun and fiesty burn-down-the-world BAMF way. Which. Good for her! Be human.

And that's the thing. I personally don't want Hermione to be perfect, I want her to be what I think she is, textually, which is intelligent, hardworking, loyal, competitive, compassionate, controlling, belittling, rude, petty, insecure, vindictive, volatile. She has the right to be that way, because she's human. The desire for perfected women (or unapologetically and unstoppably awful ones, another brand of female power fantasy) is not limited to Dramione fandom. I think it's amplified in DHr by many readers who DO identify as former gifted children, books-as-coping-mechanism kids and Strong Female Personalities who felt marginalized in childhood and want to see Hermione have it all: she's slim, she's tiny, she's fragile as a bird, she'll break your neck, she'll step on your throat, she'll tear down the system, she'll heal all wounds, she does not need help, she holds all the knowledge, she holds all the cards, she is forever wronged, she can do no wrong, her vagina is tight, her nipples are hard, her hair is on point, her waist is tiny, her tits are bouncing, her ass is in the style of Now. And like. This isn't at all unique to DHr and Hermione. It's pervasive in fiction written by and for women. Female power fantasies are obviously feeding a massive hunger. It's just not what I personally want. Personally, I find it alienating and uncomfortable, which I know equates to, "That is wrong and shouldn't exist" to a lot of people, but that's its own tale as old as time.

There's a disconnect that happens too often where a reader wants one (1) thing from their fiction, and receives something else, even when the contents are clearly labeled on the tin. In this case, wanting a female power fantasy and encountering a woman who's written with flaws makes people upset. And maybe if we could be more honest with ourselves about what we're looking for when we read, work to accept that not everyone wants the same experience, and learn to close a book when it's not working for us and say, "No shade, this isn't for me," it would be less upsetting when we encounter a character who isn't written to meet our personal expectations. I will open a book, realize the FMC is a female power fantasy archetype and close it, because that's not what I show up for. I like my women gritty and weird and foolish and vulnerable and liable to hurt people and feel terrible about it. Give me all the exhausting chatterers and evil sticks and jocks with swords and their hearts on their sleeves (their hearts ripped out), give me shy Anne Elliot and her suitcase full of regrets and the ugly fuckup who never has a glow up, give me dirtbag stoners and Fleabag and Alicent Hightower apologetics and every role Natasha Lyon has ever played. It's not a moral high ground, it's about a preference for seeing actual, demeritus flaws on the page and on the screen. Blame that woman. It's her fault. She has so many faults. Then show me how to forgive her so I can figure out how to forgive myself.

The thing is, I love women. I love women so fucking much. I want to be around them, to get to know them, to read about them, to watch them on TV and see them in films. And personally, I like them ugly. Physically. Spiritually. Morally. Give a woman a Bad Personality and watch her succeed in the most self-injurious way possible, fuck you. Give her a gaping chest wound and line it with teeth. Stick a piece of grit in that girl's tightly sealed shell so that a pearl is her only option. Make her love other women, make her fuck it up, make her have to earn them back.

Thankfully I do feel like we're getting more ugly women in fiction, especially BIPOC, queer and marginalized women who deserve gross, weird, nasty representation and not just didactic moralism, patronization and misguided sainthood. Some readers won't want that, and that's fine. Again, personally (it's all so personal, please, please remember that when you hit that comment button), I'm here for it. If you write about women like this, know that you have a thirsty reader here. I'm swallowing them up. I'm smacking my lips. I'm smashing my mug on the cafeteria floor and calling for another.

[radfemsiren]

i think there are far, far too many women into rape and other abusive things than can be excused with severe trauma alone. fundamentally i think its a matter of socialization, the way male=active=dominant/ female=passive=submissive has been the model for nearly all interactions between men and women for thousands of years, especially in a sexual context.

women's sexuality is constructed as receptive and men's as proactive. in this context, a man raping a woman is not only normal given the model but also encouraged as it is seen as the man losing control with his desire, and 'claiming' her, which ofc, women will find flattering, as being desired is the pinnacle of womanhood. not only that but since women are socialized to not be proactive, the idea of actively desiring someone is uncomfortable to them.

we have so many young, inexperienced women with low self esteem, interpreting even violent attention as flattering, we can see how even something like rape and abuse can be given several flattering meanings. not only that but i feel like women are collectively traumatized by the ever present threat of male violence hanging over their heads. its easier to interpret that as being desired, as being part of the destiny of any woman, so why not embrace it on their own terms? this recontextualizes what male violence means to them personally, but obviously reinforces it in other ways.

there's a quote by dworkin that sums it up if taken in a sexual context:

"We have a double standard, which is to say, a man can show how much he cares by being violent -- see, he's jealous, he cares -- a woman shows how much she cares by how much she's willing to be hurt; by how much she will take; how much she will endure."

the final thing i want to say is that i really don't know how we as an oppressed class will deal with this. because women are simply not willing to let go, its ruining their 'fun' as someone put it. all the reasons and pleading in the world isn't going to stop them. the social structures are built too strongly into all of us idk how we're gonna get out. this ended up being long so ty for reading

I agree with all of this! A lot of it is socialization and coping with male violence. Women are so deeply socialized to be passive, esp in bed, that a lot of us end up not even knowing what we find attractive or actively want to engage in with the other person. Just what we want done to us. It makes it hard to develop a healthy sex life with this severe disconnect, living through the eyes and wants of the man and not our own desires. You don’t have to be “dominant” in bed or anything, but it’s not healthy to be so lost that you don’t know what you desire yourself to actively do with your partner, and just want to have the sex “be done to you.”

And yes! These rape fantasies are definitely recontexualizing male violence and the guilt of female desire. It’s not lost on me that the woman often “gives in” and enjoys what’s happening in these stories… this is not really an accurate depiction of a rape, but rather women feeling guilt from wanting sex and taking away initial consent to remedy this. They are held hostage by the shame of their sexuality, and choosing flattery instead fear to react to male violence. They see themselves being chased and decided it’s better to act like it’s because they are a prize, instead of a prey animal.

It is hopeless to think about, but just remember that consumers of these “dark fantasy” books and “pro ship” fanfic are in the minority! I see a huge amount of women and girls being disgusted by these stories being pushed, so I think our relationship to our sexuality is healing, little by little! ❤️

[changingplumbob]

Glenn sets about cutting the gem for Druisilla. It's much harder than he thought to hold it in place and shape it. He fumbles many times but is determined to finish, he wants his hair colour back! Hours pass but he thinks he's gotten the shape Drusilla needs. He does a quick check in his phone camera and yep, the green is back! He must have done it right.

Tidying up his mess he heads back down the ladder. He was planning on heading to bed, it had gotten late, but spotting an odd shape out the window he decided to go investigate first. Rounding the corner of the tower he saw... a horse? With a flower crown, a big tail ribbon and a spellcaster lying on its back. Glenn wasn't sure if he should disturb them, they looked peaceful, but he had no idea if he could be spotted under the spellcaster's hat. Surely it would be rude not to say hi if she had seen him.

Glenn: Umm, hi. We've not met but I'm-

Koko: Glenn. Phoebus said you would be returning

Glenn: Uh, I can't actually return if I've never even been here

Koko: You are not returning to a place, you are returning to family, your grandfather. You're in his dreams

Glenn: I'm in his dreams?

Koko: Can you feel them like Pepper and I can

Glenn: Feel what

Koko: The dreams. All around us creatures are sleeping. Your grandfather dreams of your family, Phoebus dreams of the past, the field mice dream of full bellies and soft beds

Glenn: Sorry, I can't

Koko: Don't apologise. I feel them because I'm connected to the night. To the moonlight. It may be reflected sunlight but it holds a power all it's own, just like each of us. I'm Koko, and this is Pepper

Glenn: Nice to meet you. Do you always go riding at night

Koko: Oh I wasn't riding, I was meditating

Glenn: Meditating?

Koko: I don't sleep much. Light gives me energy, sunlight in the day, moonlight most nights. The starlight from trillions of miles away. Even the auroras give me energy.

Glenn looked up, he hadn't even thought about examining the sky but there they were. Stars back-dropping coloured auroras that seemed to dance. It was mesmerising and he could understand the desire to simply stare.

Koko: How was your first day back

Glenn: Strange. I've never been around so many spellcasters before

Koko: We draw strength from each other, and community

Glenn: Even Drusilla? Because they stole my hair colour for a bit. Well they said they did but it was black not white

Koko: That makes sense if you know how light works

Glenn: What do you mean

Koko: Colour comes from light. Light hits something and is either absorbed or reflected. That's not too important but colour, what we see as colour, is what is not absorbed. What we see as white is when light hits something and all of the light gets reflected back. What we see as black is when light hits something and all of it gets absorbed

Glenn: So yeah... science was never my best subject

Koko: That's fine. Basically light gives colour, no light reflection or black can be seen as colourless. I imagine Drusilla borrowed that for a while

Glenn: Is that why you're dressed in such light colours? White is light

Koko: *smiles* Yes. It's all the colours together, and the colour from the moon

Glenn: You really never sleep?

Koko: I... can go in to a trance I guess. Where my daydreams can become more vivid but I never disconnect from the world like others do in their sleep. My brain never writes the story for me anymore. It must be nice to dream, I haven't done it since I was a kid

Glenn: Sometimes, but nightmares are not good.

Koko: You have nightmares?

Glenn hesitated. He hadn't really talked about them, but from the sound of it Koko would be able to sense them anyway.

Glenn: Not as much as I used to. Grandfather got me out of the circus when I was young, but mom and pop didn't make it. He had to set a fire to get out. Sometimes in my sleep I'm just surrounded by smoke, with no way out. I worry that's what happened to...

Koko: I understand

Glenn: Are your folks...

Koko: Not sure

She walks over to Pepper and brushed her mane for comfort.

Koko: My ancestors were ill treated for more than just being spellcasters. So many times they would settle only to be driven off, told where to go and where not to go, what to do and not do. More than just my parents were my family but I haven't heard their dreams in a long time, I miss it

Glenn: I'm sorry

Koko: It's not your doing. Have good dreams Glenn

Sensing the conversation was over Glenn left the spellcaster with her horse under the stars.

Previous ... Next

[instantinternetcrush]

i’m not used to people caring about me in the way i actually need or want. babe, you scare me a bit. there’s a reason i fuck everything up before anything has the chance to be anything more than a pipe dream.

i start talking to her vaguely, drunkenly, about vulnerability. i crave it, but i can’t take it. i get it, and i get scared in the way a raccoon does at night when you shine a flashlight at it while its rifling through your trash.

i need it though. in that not-too-soft, but still there, somehow, against every odd way not a single soul has been able to replicate. believe me when i say i’ve tried. when i say i’ve told you what i want.

there’s a reason i do everything drunk. impaired. whatever adjective lets me view everything that happens as some sort of third party.

i care about you, but somehow not enough. somehow never in the right way. i compensate by romanticizing everything in the worst way. i’ll fixate on the terrible parts of everything and then fall in my version of love with it.

i’ll tell people i love the things i know im supposed to. your hand in my hair, the smile you give me when i make a dumb nonsequiter joke that isn’t worth the effort it takes to laugh. but if i were honest with myself, with anyone; i live for the parts that should be red flags.

i think of you pulling on my chain like a dog. your bruising grip on me in the club whenever i spoke to another man.

i tell her i’m the person everyone calls when people even remotely in my life have emergencies. i’d still pick up for everyone i haven’t spoken to since august. every time a spammer calls i answer anyway.

i couldn’t say what drives me to that. that desperate desire to be wanted. like an animal in a shelter, babe, i’ll do whatever if it means you’ll take me home and hold me close til you get tired of being what i need you to be.

‘it doesn’t take much,’ i tell her. i fall easy when i deem it worth it and boy do i fall hard.

i wanna say you’re different. some part of me says i knew it’d be like this, the opposing side says something about how i call bullshit on everything as some type of avoidance.

she tells me i’m a commitment-phobe. that i hide from everything except her son, who is the only human being on the planet who has never asked a damn thing from me.

(when i say im a dad, i mean for a year and 11 months i was the pseudo parent for a terminally ill toddler. i still mean it because now it’s been two years and change since i’ve been a functional parent for a kid who has no real mother or father.)

mostly because he lacks the words to tell me he needs more. everyone needs more than i can humanly give but i still give it willingly. who cares if you’re sucking the marrow from my discarded bones. i wasn’t using it anyway, right? i’m sure you need it more.

it’s easier for me to tell my secrets here. where i’m hiding in plain sight and nothing i say or do particularly matters so long as i string words together in ways people can shoehorn themselves between.

all this to say you do it different. it’s easier for me to detach myself completely and be honest in the way i know im supposed to when you’re a couple hundred miles away and more in love with the idea of who i am than the real self that always lurks just out of your line of sight.

you know i’m mean. cold hearted. some deep seated issues with intimacy buried so deep it’ll take one of my parents dying to ever actually address in any real or meaningful way. you hold my hand in the club anyway.

somehow you recognize the far off and terrified look in my eyes when my disconnected brain actually does the math on how many people i’m in a room with.

and you ask if i’m ok. you take me somewhere quiet enough where i can hear myself think and you hold onto my fragile wrists just tight enough to remind me that i live on this planet with every other bastard with two hands and a heart.

somehow you recognize a different lilt in my forced laugh when i’m poking fun at myself and theres something behind your eyes that betrays a level of care i never expected or saw coming from you. you look me in the eyes just enough, with just enough callousness that i do believe you when you tell me, perhaps begrudgingly, that you care whether i live or die. that you like my company.

she tells me you’re perfect and i suspect for a moment that she also knows me better than i’d like to acknowledge. i understand from her perspective. i understand from my own if im being fully honest. she says that the way you spoke about me, half asleep and half drunk, wrapped around me like you’d die if you took your hand off of me- no chance you thought this was anything other than exactly what i needed.

in spite of it all. every year that’s passed, every poorly received joke, every drunk phone call, you’re still here.

she says you were obviously waiting. that you aren’t disappointed by what you got after all of it.

but you’re here. after everything you’re still here. your head on my chest and my hands on your shoulders and i don’t want to ever be anywhere else.

i can’t shut up about you, you know. i play coy with my family. tell them i’ve got a musician friend in the desert with curly hair and a penchant for off color jokes. tell my friends i need to make you my wife and refuse to elaborate when they inevitably ask for details. you know better than anyone i like keeping my secrets.

somehow you’ve managed to figure me out. the important bits at least. the parts i try my hardest to hide. there will be time for everything else later.

[noturprobiem]

I've never read anything that captures what living with PTSD feels like for me as good as Heaven official's blessing.

(Please bear in mind that everything I'll say is just my interpretation. This is not a theory, this is the way I personally view this story. And the things I say about PTSD are my experiences, not the universal truth in any way)

There are a lot of stories about traumatized characters. Usually, the only way for them to be happy is to heal, to live just like they did before.

But healing can take years. Sometimes, fully healing can even be impossible. Some people have to accept that they'll always be traumatized and learn to live with it, to still be happy. That's the first thing I appreciate in the portrayal of Xie Lian's trauma: he will always bear the weight of his past and he will never be as carefree as he was before his trauma but it doesn't mean his life isn't worth living and it doesn't mean he can't enjoy it to the fullest.

For me, the moment I started to notice sings of PTSD in Xie Lian was the moment he claimed that he can't feel pain anymore as he has been hurt too many times. He says it casually as for him it's just a fact. He acts the same when he talks about his past "deaths" that aren't worth remembering and other unpleasant experiences. This behaviour very common among heavily traumatized people. We tend to talk about our trauma casually, jokingly and dismissively, detached and unbothered while describing things that horrify people around us. Xie Lian doesn't see his past in night terrors and he doesn't tell his tragic backstory in a serious, mournful voice and it sometimes makes people miss the weight of the things he is describing. It is easy to believe that he wasn't seriously hurt when he says he doesn't even remember what happened, but not remembering the specifics of the traumatic event is pretty common and it doesn't mean the pain is gone.

And Xie Lian doesn't only seem unbothered by the past, he is pretty calm in the present, too. Because he has been through so much, he isn't afraid of anything. That is, unless someone brings up his trigger — the White calamity. This sudden shift in tone reminds the reader that Xie Lian isn't an unfeeling being who's transcended fear, he is still affected, he can still be scared. This fear has been living inside him for hundreds of years, and this memory hidden in the back of his mind will never leave him. But it doesn't make him weak. And it doesn't make him stronger, ether. It's just there.

What makes him stronger is his refusal to succumb to the overwhelming desire to make everyone experience the pain he had to go through. He almost does. In fact, that was one of the best and most realistic parts of his experience in my opinion. PTSD can be very "ugly" sometimes, swallowing you whole, it can make you feel jealous of people who live happily, it can make you dream of revenge and wish for what you perceive as justice. And you may feel that there's no reason to overcome those feelings. Why even bother to be empathetic in a world that has only hurt and ostracized you?

And for me, Xie Lian's story is a reminder that being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others. That's an idea that may seem easy to understand but it's a principal that sometimes takes a lot of effort to uphold. His pain doesn't make him stronger, but the way he deals with it does.

That is what Xie Lian represents to me — refusing to let your trauma define you while accepting that it'll always be with you and that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep going. I cannot express how much I love this story, honestly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings! I hope I managed to express my thoughts well enough for it to not sound like a bunch of disconnected notes

[pokelolmc]

Fixing TUE Part 2.5--How I'd change Dan's story.

This is my take on Dan's narrative as "Danny's evil future self" in my analysis of The Ultimate Enemy. You can find part two here:

(Part 2), Part 2.5, (Part 3)

The episode tried to play the "alternate timeline evil self" straight, but turning Dan into a Danny and Vlad fusion causes it to veer off the "Dan is Danny turned evil" mark and contradict the episode's previous setup.

I'll admit, I got a bit negative in the last post, so it's a good thing this is more about ideas for improvements.

The obvious choice is either: make Dan literally just Danny/Phantom as an adult, turned evil (to play into the original narrative) or keep the fusion aspect and subvert the narrative.

So, while it'd make for a much more straightfoward/correct "villain self" story if Dan really was just if "Danny woke up and chose violence", I think I'd stick with the fusion aspect. Because that leaves so many interesting questions to explore about identity and moral responsibility--and it'd create an interesting twist on the typical "alternative villain self" trope.

Let's say that the new version of the episode follows a similar portrayal of Dan to canon initially--"Dan is Danny's evil future self", "Danny is going to become Dan" (without Clockwork's commentary, since he knows better)--and Danny agonises over it (after he actually makes legitimate moral mistakes in the episode and feels guilty about it, like actively abusing his ghost powers to cheat the CAT).

Then he finds out how Dan was actually created, and it's treated like a plot twist. The final act reveals that Dan is a fusion of two ghost halves, and Danny's not responsible for Dan in the same way he thought he was. Alternate!Phantom is still a part of Dan, but Dan and Danny's dynamic is different now.

In-universe, maybe the reason Dan only identifies as Danny is he didn’t want to remember the truth of his creation, and went into complete denial. The fact that he was born from Danny and Vlad's deep grief/loss/loneliness/emotional pain was too much for him to confront. It was one massive, overwhelming, toxic concoction. So, he decided he’d rather forget it. Since Vlad’s human half was still alive somewhere and could meet him again (reminding him of his fusion nature), his mind could’ve chosen to disconnect from the Plasmius component of his identity.

Instead, he deluded himself into believing that he was just a Danny who turned evil after he lost his loved ones and “purified” himself of his painful human half, since Danny’s identity was the most convenient to appropriate (with his human half being dead,  and all) and the fusion woke up with Danny's logo.

Ironically, he didn’t actually lose his painful emotions. The halfa-splitting sorted deep emotional pain into the two ghost halves—based on the mental states/desires of the halfas when the separations occurred (eg., Danny’s desire to remove his pain). Rather than “ridding himself of emotions”, he became that negativity/pain incarnate, and it came out in the most destructive and monstrous way possible. After all, anger and wrath can come from a defence/vent for unacknowledged pain.

When Danny learns of Dan's backstory, he has to take a step back to process it all. He knows that Alternate!Vlad's too weak to kill him, even with the Ghost Gauntlets, so he reluctantly trusts his nemesis(...?) and makes a deal--if Vlad knows anything that could be used to stop Dan, give it over to Danny and he can go after Dan himself to undo everything in the past. No fight for the sake of a cutaway gag, here--we get some relationship development (on Danny's end, at least).

Vlad reluctantly agrees (he believes there's no way Danny can win, but he doesn't have much else of a choice--he's backed into a corner, and just thinks "What the hell? I've got nothing...")...and that triggers him to admit what happened ten years ago. Then he gives Danny the Ghost Gauntlets willingly and gets all serious:

"...Daniel?"

"...Yeah?"

"You have to promise me one thing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just swear it!"

"O-okay, okay! Jeez! I swear. Happy?"

Vlad looks down pensively before his sunken, hollow eyes bury into Danny's with alarming clarity.

"If you fail...NEVER go to me. Leave Amity Park, move to another country, hide in the Ghost Zone...I don't care. Just...stay away from me, at all costs. If I chase you, run. Run like the world depends on it."

For someone who's never seen Vlad want nothing to do with him before...acting more like Danny's response to Vlad's advances in the past...it's bizarre. It prompts him to question what's really going on in Vlad's head in his own timeline, and what if there's something still in him like this?

So Dan's backstory actually affects the plot, and plays a role in the climax of the episode. And even though he doesn't show up in person, we address Vlad's responsibility in Dan's creation and he gets to contibute, willingly and meaningfully--by providing Danny with Dan's backstory (not just the Ghost Gauntlets Danny stole from him in combat).

It could come into play as a psychological weapon, to shatter Dan's denial— “I’m not you, Dan…I CREATED you!”, “You’re not me, you were MY MISTAKE!”, causing Dan to have a third-act breakdown (technically not main!Danny's mistake, since he's not Alternate!Danny, but he's putting it in the words Dan used in order to correct him). Then the Ghostly Wail can finish him off...or maybe he's strong enough that the Ghostly Wail doesn't end him, and it's the shock of the revelation that immobilises him enough for Danny to get him into the thermos.

[systems-overloaded]

this is the trend afaik, about things in common with different alters (we have DID) that have different levels of speech and lanaguges comprehension.

(and then i have a question for nonverbal/semiverbal autistic people who might be reading this at the end, if they happen to see this? there is also a simplified question at the very end as well!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

parts with little to no speech:

- their thoughts are as vibes and emotions mainly

- they cannot visualize, they just exist, and experience life through sensations as they come and as they go. they dont really "create thoughts", they just are, they exist and experience.

- theyre the happiest, have no trauma memories, or understanding of the concepts of trauma

- they dont front frequently because they need to feel totally safe, but theyre very happy and calm.

- (my assumption is they mightve formed pre-language learning, but i have no idea for sure. communicating with them, can be a bit hard to understand. they are more than just fragments though, but its hard to explain, they do have opinions, desires, autonomy, but its different in a way? idk)

parts that struggle with speech:

- generally happier and "normal" parts

- less intelligence, less reading comprehension and vocabulary. (theres a big range, but some would probably be considered intellectually disabled if they were a singlet)

- most of their thoughts are simple words put together (like, "want soup. warm. please soup?" instead of "hmm i want some warm soup")

- they are much more grounded into the body, exist within the body

- they do experience distress when fronting in the body, specifically due to nervous system dysregulation and sensory overwhelms.

- they do not hold memories or emotions of the major or minor traumas that happened to us.

- they do not tend to have anxiety or racing thoughts.

- their brain is very quiet, no background chatter or multiple streams of consciousness.

- theyre typically unable to visualize in their brain.

- afaik, for the majority with prominent speech difficulties, they cannot sing. (there might be a couple who can sing without issues, like how some with a stutter can sing without, im unsure how many can sing though.)

- due to being grounded into the body and its signals, our physical capabilities are much less. cannot push through pain, cannot do things others can.

the parts that have better speech (but afaik still have some difficulty with the motor aspect, although its minimal, i think. i have blackout amnesia to these parts. but this is to the best of our knowledge, correct.):

- higher intelligence, very smart. (interested and /understand/ concepts like genetics, medical research journals, quantum physics (to a certain extent), and learning other lanaguges.)

- tend to be extremely anxious, scared, even "paranoid" (though its legitimate based off trauma memories)

- they can visualize in their mind, with extreme vivid details.

- their thoughts are fast, with alot of parts talking in the background all the time, as well as just multiple trains of thought, and memes/songs/etc playing in the background.

- they have more knowledge about the things that happened to us, even if they dont always have access to direct memories (some do, some dont)

- they are extremely dissociated from the body. they exist above the body, sometimes experienced literally.

- they have more phsyical capabilities, because they do not feel pain at all until it gets to extreme levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so my question for those who are nonverbal/semiverbal: id love feedback about what to call this? my speech issues are not simply verbal shutdowns or speech loss episodes induced by stress. id initially assumed that parts who were more traumatized would have less speech, but its actually the opposite for me. (personally i theorize that maybe the more traumatized parts are either way too disconnected from the body to be aware of how hard it is, how much difficulty speech takes. or they have more speech abilities, and maybe even intelligence, because they felt it was so important to be able to talk, and communicate one day about the things that were happening to us. so a bunch of energy was pushed towards speech abilities and brain abilities for those parts? im unsure, this is a guess. the other thing is they mightve been abused and forced to talk better, so they could appear "normal" and not be a stain in the churches reputation.)

a little of (non-trauma) history though:

i didnt say my first word until i was 5 years old, i had a significant speech delay. and id then gone through speech therapy and never actually finished, but the school wouldn't pay for more. i was an extremely quiet kid according to my mom. i would barely speak but i appeared happy and content she said. i did have desires to communicate, and would talk some, tell her about my day at school etc. but mostly i was pretty silent, in school especially. got in trouble for not doing "participation", of repeating things out loud, reading out loud, presentations. i just couldnt and i couldnt explain so id get in trouble.

but as a whole its fact that there are alters that can speak out full sentences and have a full conversation (like a drs appointment). i do not know if how much difficulty they have even matters, because they are still capable of it.

afaik, the majority cannot do that, they cannot have a full conversation like that. not without severe difficulty and/or pain, and then some cannot at all, cant even try.

what should i be calling this experience? would saying im semiverbal be okay? or no? because sometimes i seem to have alters than might be fully verbal? i know not to call myself (or my alters) nonverbal when talking to others (in personal journals i do classify different alters as semiverbal or nonverbal.) but with others, i say things like "i cant talk" or "im mute", or "talking is hard for me right now", etc.

no matter a label, im learning to use an AAC app and learning some ASL (though i struggle with moving hands/fingers right. like clumsy and slow, and some shapes impossible :c ). in the past, those who could push, do push. they push so much and hurt themsleves for other peoples conveniences, and its never acknowledged, and often those words arent even understood/heard/recieved. we have to repeat ourselves multiple times, and say it louder multiple times too. its so taxing, its exhausting (mentally and physically), and it basically causes actual pain.

its like, theres this brain and body disconnect, and my mouth, my tongue, and my jaw are all separate parts that im trying to consciously move, and im trying to get them to move through molasses, and they have a lag in response, if i can even get them to create the shapes i want. and with the pain, its like...knives/nails scrapping/slicing all the nerves/veins in my body.

but im trying to learn to do whats best for me, and what keeps me the healthiest and the happiest. and i think unpacking internalized ableism around using something like an AAC device is something thatll lead me there (to better health and happiness).

but im unsure about how to describe my experiences. afaik, everyone has /some/ degree of struggling to turn word-thoughts into mouth sounds... but id really like to hear input from people who are nonverbal or semiverbal all the time. thank you for reading if you did, and sorry that its so long.

~~~~~~~

simplified question:

i have DID, so i have multiple alters within my body. to my knowledge, we all have a hard time with making speech. some seem to have less difficulty and can have conversations (like at a dr's appointment), others struggle so much they can maybe force out a couple words, and others cannot create speech at all. we have varying levels of intelligence and varying levels of understanding of speech and language.

i had a significant speech delay, with my first word at 5 years old, and never finished speech therapy because the school stopped paying.

these speech issues are not just situational from stress, they are constant with those alters. every single day, for the majority of my day, we cannot create speech. we can make some speech sometimes, but its not even half and half with when we cannot make sounds at all. and the alters who can speak more, only ever front for maybe an hour or two max, and maybe twice a month.

i know not to call myself nonverbal. but would i be semiverbal? can i call me (this me as a whole person with multiple alters inside) semiverbal? or semispeaking? i want to hear from those who are semiverbal and nonverbal.

[theeternalwombtarot]

Broken femininity as generational trauma and karma that is passed down through women in the family is most times if not always very difficult to overcome. Aspects of a broken/unhealed/wounded divine feminine may include things like ..

shame and embarrassment when it comes to sexuality, to emotional vulnerability or parts and aspects of oneself that are usually very natural. You may see things like this when we’re discussing purity culture or looking at people who grew up in very strict households or even religious households that hid and made aspects of woman hood and self expression out to be something that should be shunned, hidden from others, or something to be embarrassed of. Lots of women who have this issue may take to mocking (femininity, emotions, etc.) , policing women’s bodies, etc. may struggle with tapping into a sensual energy, or may struggle to model herself in ways that are confident.

Insecurities or feelings of unworthiness. This could be someone who may not be able to accept and appreciate good things within their lives. Compliments, good people (romantic or platonic), or opportunities.

Manipulative, controlling, aggressive, avoidant or guarded and maybe even emotionally repressive or unstable. This happens when someone doesn’t feel like they can get the things they desire or want in life or from others by being genuine. This could stem from a fear of abandonment or even a feeling of inadequacy. It’s almost as if this person is saying, “someway, somehow, I’m going to get what I want when people refuse to choose me, or when I’m faced with an issue where I don’t feel like I’m enough for someone.”

A disconnect from her inner self and/or her intuition (or faith depending on your own personal beliefs) she doesn’t trust her intuition, she doesn’t listen to or value her needs and what her own feelings, body, or mind is telling her at all. Someone not knowing what they want, what they’ll tolerate, what they need from others can create a lot of issues. She doesn’t know what to accept and what not to, she doesn’t know how to move in ways that are conducive and healthy and safe for her. There’s no acknowledgment of one’s inner self and therefore no knowledge on how to put herself first or do what’s best for herself. We see this all the time especially in the types of people someone of the women in our lives choose to spend their time around or devote themselves to. She may have bad choices in men or partners, in friends, bad or unsafe choices in life, etc.

Seeking external validation & deeply rooted misogyny. We see this a lot, we call these people pick me’s, these are typically those who are extremely disconnected from their inner feminine and you may see them stick to people who make them feel seen, you may see them have certain behaviors where they try to differentiate themselves from others as well. “She’s not a girls girl.” Or this person could be male identified or make take to bullying, belittling or trying to invalidate or women in her life or their practices, hobbies, or feminine attributes and it comes from a place of lack. It’s as if she’s saying, “nobody told me I was beautiful, that I was enough, or that I was worthy, or that it was safe to exist in my feminine energy and so when I see security or an awakened feminine in others it triggers me or could make me irritated or upset.”

There are so many ways these things happen and a lot of the time it’s taught. Especially if someone is raised in a household that it predominately the opposite sex and grow up being taught that men/women are bad or horrible, etc. they may grow up to have similar ideas and carry themselves in ways that make them feel as if they are different from other girls/boys because all children seek approval and validation from parental figures or important adults within their lives. I grew up with a parental figure who was out of touch with her femininity and around many other women who were out of touch with femininity as well. And very often, these things are much deeper than we perceive them to be, sometimes they’re cultural, sometimes they stem from years of oppression and abuse, outside of and inside of the home.

[rin-and-jade]

do you guys have any tips on deciding on a username? i wanna get back into playing a game i used to play but i cant decide on a username to change it from the old one (we dont feel connected to it) to. i dont want any of us to feel super disconnected or awkward using it so while i might be overthinking this i wanna make sure its pretty much perfect. i also guess this goes for collective names too, since we dont have one of those either. (tbh most of us dont even have like, individual names. so uh) thank you if you have any tips ! :3

First and foremost, names are not truly necessary, though for the ease of identifying and referring to a specific part having one could save a lot of trouble from miscommunication happening. (Refering to individual names because i can predict it could be a problem and would want to assess it too as a bonus)

But yeah, i might be able to help you with your game name,

I have two outcomes that had been pondered upon; (this is for individual names, the username is at below it)

Use code names: theyre basically a placeholder, it is usually used as a disguise name like team alpha or beta (perfect for subsystem grouping name), which has members like alpha summer or alpha moon (for more specific parts). This can be temporary or used as long as you wish to, it can also be colors. Though the original use is to go anonymous while still being able to communicate in a cooperative setting such as playing airsoft gun tournaments? You get the idea.

Go through a process of trial and error: see what genre you love, the sound of the letters, or base of things you identify most with and base a new name off it, or even use the actual object or interest as a name instantly. This phase has no bounds and it relies on your creativity and exploration until you find a name that fits.

And, with the same tactics, you can gather as many names for a username, and do some voting. Or, alternatively, you can just go wild. I literally have "LET'S GOOO" as my username (sadly doesn't have enough space for the exclamation marks..) because i always get so hyped on my fave game. It doesn't have to be a well thought name really, it can be silly too.

Neither are faster or better though, these two ideas can be fully tweaked to your desired outcome!

May this insight helps you, also, scrolling through baby names and name generator isn't a bad idea too for additional options if you want a more normal name choice, go slay with the naming buddy.

- j

[charmedreincarnation]

Why do I deprive myself of happiness? Why can’t I imagine being happy? Why does it feel so odd

I usually answer asks in order but this one caught me eye because I use to relate to it so bad :(!

Happiness is a fundamental part of life. It's a source of joy and contentment, and something we all strive for. But sometimes, for many of us, it can also feel strangely out of reach. We may find ourselves struggling to find joy and feeling almost incapable of being truly happy.

So why do we deprive ourselves of this happiness? Why can’t we imagine what it might feel like to be truly happy in our lives? Why does it feel so strange to even consider the possibility?

When I would experience or witness others finding joy in life, I sometimes feel a disconnection from that happiness—as if it doesn’t directly apply to me. It’s a bewildering sensation that I know many of us are familiar with.

We could be surrounded by the people and experiences that typically bring us contentment, but still find ourselves unable to fully embrace it. The answer to this conundrum is complex, and yet there are often patterns within our daily lives that can help us unlock the answers.

It could be that we lack commitment to our own happiness or feel uncomfortable with the idea of being contented. We also might not make time for activities that encourage positive thoughts, or they make us feel guilty for being happy when others around us are not.

We can also be our own worst enemy when it comes to achieving happiness, constantly setting unattainable standards or demanding perfection. This can create a toxic cycle of comparison, envy, and insecurities—all of which lead down a road that usually doesn’t have a happy ending.

The key is to consciously try to make changes in your life that bring joy and focus on activities that bring us closer to our goals. Allow yourself to take breaks for self-care and find sources of inspiration that you can draw from. It’s ok to take some time to nurture yourself and be proud of any progress you make along the way.

The best part about all of this is that once we become aware of our habits and patterns, we open the door for real change. Happiness is not something unreachable—it’s within our reach, and something we should strive for every day.

But babe It's time to stop playing small and start believing in ourselves and our dreams. We deserve to have our desires, and it's possible to manifest and create our best lives so just drill in your head you have no choice but to let that happen. acknowledge and accept that you are worthy of your desires. You are deserving of love, happiness, abundance, success, and all the wonderful things that life has to offer. We don't have to settle for less than we deserve. We have the power to create our reality and attract what we truly desire, and the universe showed it to you for a reason.

[positivlyfocused]

A Practical Guide To Becoming A Real-Life Shapeshifter

Most people don’t believe shapeshifting is possible. For such people, shapeshifting is impossible. Others want to believe shapeshifting is possible. Or they believe it is possible, but they don’t believe they can do it.

Our reality reflects back to us what we believe is possible. So becoming a shapeshifter requires introducing that idea into our reality. Reality springs from beliefs. So introducing the idea begins first with introducing it in ourselves as a belief. We must believe it’s possible, in other words. That’s one thing. Believing we can do it? That’s another.

Anything we believe possible becomes so. Shapeshifting is no different. But becoming a shapeshifter isn’t easy. That’s mostly because such a feat depends on strong belief. It also requires unraveling many other beliefs. Beliefs seemingly tangential to the subject, but very much connected to it.

Becoming a shapeshifter then is possible. But for most, it’s not. Not because it’s impossible. But because people can’t get beyond beliefs making it appear impossible. For those willing to change their beliefs though…

What it takes

So first, we must cultivate belief. Belief it’s possible. Then we must believe we can do it. From there, we must unpack related beliefs. One of many such beliefs is the belief in death.

Most people fear death. Even some who claim they don’t, do. Take awakening experiences as an example. Such experiences scare the shit out of most people. Me included at one time. Awakening experiences feel exactly like death. That’s because our consciousness expands in such experiences. The same thing happens at death. Consciousness expands beyond ordinary awareness.

Brains can’t process such expansionary experiences. And since they are pre-wired for keeping us in this reality, they freak out when confronted with alternate ones. That “freak out” is what I mean by “fear of death”. 

In other words, if we freak out in the face of an alternate reality, we automatically snap back into this one. That won’t work when shapeshifting. Because the very act requires expansion. Including a very real, physical expansion. As well as an expansion into a bigger picture of All That Is. 

Successfully shapeshifting also depends on our identity. We must disentangle our identity with camouflage reality. Camouflage reality is the physical-ness of our surroundings, including our body. As humans, we mesmerize ourselves. We convince ourselves physical reality is “real”. We do the same with our bodies. Our bodies are us, we tell ourselves.

That’s a problem. Because if we believe that, shapeshifting feels like death. It feels so much like that, such an act becomes impossible. If our body were to begin “shifting” that experience would be too frightening to an identity strongly tied to what we currently look like. So we must disconnect our identity from our body. So that our body can reorganize itself along our intent.

It takes a while

Shapeshifting therefore, isn’t about learning to do it. It’s about undoing beliefs making it undoable. Very strong momentum and collective belief perpetuates our deepest fears. Same goes for our strongest beliefs. Some such beliefs are so strong, we don’t realize we have them. Shapeshifting requires discovering these, then unpacking them. That process happens gradually. One by one, we soothe them. Until they no longer impede our intent.

This takes a while. A shortcut doesn’t exist. Along the way though, we come into fantastic realizations and abilities. The Charmed Life becomes our life. More of what we desire becomes ours. So the path is one of riches.

Shapeshifting is possible. It must not be seen as a destination or goal, however. Instead, it’s just another step along the way. The way towards realizing more of what we really are. That path is unending. So shapeshifting is a great indicator of progress. We must have accomplished quite a lot to manifest such an outcome.

Such an outcome is well within our grasp, however. I feel myself getting there. I feel my body wanting to show me. The more I do what I’ve outlined, the more in tune I become.

Because of that, I’m eager. But I’m also patient. Because I see evidence of the unfolding.

I’ll share more as I progress.