#and so there's this disconnect that happens because i have many ideas and desires to create but i feel (even if it might not be true)

[buckleydiazmp4]

do you mind if i ramble in the tags about my weird relationship with making art in fandom for a second

[neverendingford]

.

[meimi-haneoka]

Clear Card Trivia 3 ~ Sakura's journey of growth and self-understanding throughout Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

Hello and welcome back to my "Clear Card Trivia" series, a collection of informative posts where I delve into certain aspects of the story of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card! ✨

The topic I will talk about today has been on my "to-do list" for long time. It's something I felt the need to talk about, and I won't hide the reason why: the desire to fully eviscerate this topic grew particularly after reading around certain criticism of Clear Card Arc. But also after listening to CLAMP's Twitter Spaces, particularly the ones towards the end of the story.

It's something that, setting aside my obvious love for the new characters, will always make me think that Clear Card Arc has been a very welcome addition to the series.

This post will delve into Sakura's growth throughout Clear Card Arc.

Sakura grew up considerably during the story, and had a character development that sadly not many people truly realized.

I'm not talking about an evolution of the character design which, despite changing and evolving throughout the story (as it's expected for a long-running serialization), kept depicting Sakura consistently with quite young looks...no, I'm talking about her mental growth, in relation to her self-knowledge and her relationship with her magic powers.

A journey that might almost feel "frustrating", because it is full of "up and downs", and Sakura sometimes seems to be taking one step forward and two back. Aside from the obvious practical reasons (the plot had to develop several other storylines simultaneously), it very much reflects the realistic growth of a pre-teen, which is never a straight line but is made of improvements and relapses.

Along the journey, I couldn't really avoid mentioning some bits of the development of Sakura's relationship with Syaoran, which will get its own deep and detailed post another day.

There's also an extra about the significance of the Clear Cards in the story, at the end.

I have to be honest, the post is very long, but I tried to insert visual elements to make it easier on the eye. If you're curious to know how the hell I found so much to talk about for this specific topic, follow me under the cut and dive into Sakura's journey throughout Clear Card (it's also a good way to review the story)! ✨

A Disconnected Beginning

Clear Card Arc starts in a very "festive" and happy way: everything is peaceful, a new exciting chapter of Sakura's educational life is starting with the beginning of middle school, Syaoran is back to Tomoeda, this time to stay forever with his beloved girl...everything seems so perfect. And precisely in chapter 1, before everything takes an unexpected turn, we have this scene here, which I consider the "true" beginning of everything:

Sakura says "I haven't been using this lately...well, that's for the better".

At the beginning of Clear Card Arc, Sakura seems to be feeling disconnected from her natural gift.

Despite she had to go on a quest to collect all the Clow Cards, which later she gave a new life to by changing them into Sakura Cards, we have to remember that Sakura was born with magic powers. They weren't bestowed on her by Kero-chan, nor by the contract with the Clow Book: she always had magic in her blood, and it apparently "woke up" on that fateful day she found the Clow Book in the library of her father.

At the beginning of this arc, Sakura seems to think that the purpose, the meaning of this natural gift which is literally part of herself, has been fulfilled by transforming all the Cards, and splitting Eriol's power as he had requested. Her words here seem to be suggesting a general idea of "if I have to use this key (therefore, my magic powers), it means something troublesome is happening, so it's better if I'm not using it because it means everything is okay".

And although we can't really deny that what happened afterwards is far from being able to be considered "peaceful", this scene here always left a bad taste in my mouth because there's almost a negative vibe attached to the idea of her magic, transpiring from Sakura's words. It's almost as if she's politely rejecting it.

Precisely after she places her Star Key in her jewelry box, probably hoping to never have to use it again, she has her first premonitory dream of the events that will shake her life afterwards. Almost as if her powers were trying to tell her "no my dear, this is you and you'd better come to terms with it as soon as possible".

Then, as we all know, the Cards turn blank. Sakura produces a new key while having another dream and a quest to fight and "secure" some strange phenomena happening around her begins, leaving her in a state of increasing confusion.

This is the beginning of the part of the story that I quite literally call "Sakura loses sight of herself".

At this very early stage of the story, she still doesn't know that she started losing control over her increasing magical power, and it is definitely not a coincidence that all of this began when she thought of shutting her main magic tool away in a box, hoping to ignore it forever. For plot reasons, this also happens simultaneously to Syaoran taking the spirits of the Sakura Cards away from her (because in the beginning, you had to be tricked into thinking he was up to something shady and was the real mastermind behind all the incidents).

Syaoran expected for Sakura to lose control over her powers, as his mother predicted a general period of trouble for her that could lead her to unhappiness, albeit without any clear indication of what could happen: Syaoran came to Japan knowing something was bound to happen to his girl and her powers, and that something was going to lead her to grief, but he had no idea about all the rest. So his uncertain and reckless approach, which ended up in some cases worsening the situation, is also somewhat understandable. He was acting like a worried, overprotective boyfriend at his wit's end.

The strange events, which Sakura materializes into a new set of Cards, surely leave her distraught and confused, not to mention the situation with the Sakura Cards and Eriol's missing replies, but I feel that what really destabilizes her core are the constant dreams she gets, sometimes even in the middle of her waking hours, making her faint on the spot wherever she is.

Premonitory dreams are a part of her natural gift that she began to express ever since the OG manga, but she never seemed to really understand them or take them seriously.

This time around, she keeps seeing this cloaked figure and this terrifying dragon, no one speaks a word despite her relentless questions and the cloaked figure seems to be wanting to take her newly made key away (Lilie!!! what were you trying to do!! *facepalm* she probably tried to pull her closer so she could talk to her), so it's just normal that all of that leaves her increasingly stressed and anxious, even though initially you never see her openly and verbally stating that, due to her overall positive nature ("I'll manage it, somehow" is part of her "everything will be alright" invincible spell, and this is indeed what she keeps telling herself in the beginning of the arc, even though in some occasions it turned out to be a double-edged sword, as sometimes it looked more like sweeping her fears under the carpet, to me).

"Something Is Not Right"

Dream after dream, Card after Card, Sakura begins to have these general feelings of discomfort and of "something is not right, here", as she openly states to Syaoran in this scene of volume 4, chapter 14. There's something about this situation that is pricking her sixth sense, and makes her uneasy, but she can't quite put her finger on it yet. All she can do is to keep "fighting" these phenomena happening around her, hoping to find out more along the way. She reiterates the same feeling of uneasiness at the end of chapter 15, after what I consider one of the most concerning side-effects of her poor control over her powers: Sakura seems almost "in trance" while she leads her guardians to the exit of the maze, and acts in a very uncharacteristic, cold way by shoving her bag in front of Yue to make him hold it for her. It's almost as if her magical sixth sense worked too strongly and warped her personality in that moment: an effect that has been mentioned several times in relation to powerful magicians like Clow, Eriol and later Kaito too, so it's not farfetched at all to attribute this one-off occurrence to her loss of control over her strong powers, which ended up affecting her personality too. Luckily, it didn't happen again in the rest of the story and the capture of this Card was completely changed in the anime (a wise decision imho, since the JP fandom is particularly fussy about the integrity of Sakura's character, and she needed to stay "Sakura" in order to do what she did at the end).

At the culmination of a "mini arc" (the visit to great-grandpa Masaki) characterized by uncontrolled visions of Nadeshiko, another frightening dream (one that ended up dragging even Akiho in, due to the synchronization) and Sakura for the first time ever confronting Syaoran about the things he's been hiding from her, we reach the following scene of volume 5, chapter 23.

"I Wish I Had A Mirror"

I always considered this scene extremely important, because for the first time Sakura spells out clearly the inner turmoil that's been gnawing at her soul ever since this ordeal with the new Cards started.

"The truth is...I'm the worst at understanding myself. And that is probably causing lots of concern to everyone." "I wish I had a mirror. A mirror that could reflect the real me. Then, I would probably understand how to not make everyone worry"

Here, Sakura clearly spells out the frustration of knowing, feeling in her bones that there's something wrong with her, something that she's not understanding about herself, and that something is causing problems, but most importantly, is causing her loved ones to worry about her. Let's not forget that not only Syaoran, but also Yukito, Touya, Fujitaka, Tomoyo, Eriol & his family have all been watching her situation in apprehension, each of them making decisions and moving discretely in a direction they felt was right (and admittedly, not all instances were so).

Sakura can somehow feel all of that, she can feel that it's related to something she still hasn't realized about herself. This tends to be forgotten because it happens in a relatively early part of the plot, but notice how this is the same problem Kaito suffers from. A quite stunted ability to understand oneself. Sakura and Kaito definitely have lots in common, when it comes to this specific part of themselves. Keep this in mind, because it'll be relevant later.

And then, the situation worsens.

Sakura's dreams start to terrify her, because they begin to show Syaoran's face under the cloak of the mysterious figure who's scaring her in her dreams. An apparent truth she cannot accept, she won't accept, even though she's still unsure about what exactly these dreams she's having are. Despite her boyfriend has been acting shady for long time, she decides to trust him and wait for him to talk to her about all the stuff he's holding inside, instead of putting him through the wringer. This also means, though, that Sakura will keep all her fears to herself, eventually bottling up.

Furthermore, Kaito starts to rewind time to fix a situation without a way out (in chapter 28, Akiho was on the verge of going berserk completely and unleash the artifact), creating an additional sense of confusion when Sakura can feel that her finger is numb due to strain, but she can't understand why (she had fought Kaito's time magic unconsciously). Whenever Kaito will rewind time, even later on, Sakura's magical sixth sense will try to wake her consciousness up more and more, giving her these vibes of "deja vu" or making her act in an apparently inexplicable way.

In the first part of Clear Card, Sakura sometimes literally looks like a soul wandering about in confusion, dragged by the events.

I wish to point out that this is not a flaw in the characterization, it is a precise design by CLAMP. Sakura IS, in this part of the story, confused and lost, overwhelmed by the events. She has no idea how to approach this matter other than "treating the symptoms" as they come. This happens because she's still, surprisingly, quite reluctant to embrace a fundamental part of herself: her innate magic power, which expresses itself mainly through her intuition. But we'll gradually get there.

Around chapter 30, before the big realization, Sakura's situation reached a point where:

- her Sakura Cards unexpectedly became blank; - almost everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) there's a new incident that she secures into new transparent Cards; - she constantly sees ominous dreams (in scattered order) with a cloaked figure acting in a questionable way and a scary dragon, and at some point she starts seeing her boyfriend under that cloak; - her boyfriend acts shady, Eriol doesn't reply to her messages; - there's a general feeling of "something is not right" with her magic and some stuff starts to not make sense to her (because Kaito rewinds time)

It is at this point that Sakura finally moves one (giant) step forward and connects all the "puzzle pieces" she collected (particularly, how much more "obvious" the creation of a Card became) and understands that she's been the one causing subconsciously each and every single incident that lead to the creation of a new transparent Card.

"I'm Angry At Myself"

And with Syaoran finally coming clean with her (because at that point he had no reason to keep things hidden anymore, as the thing he was trying to delay ultimately happened - and believe me, I'm sure he partly felt relieved to not need to lie anymore, as that took quite a toll on him too), Sakura can at last give an explanation to at least a part of the things that are happening. And she finally realizes that the doubt that was tormenting her was true: she DID, in fact, not understand something very important about herself, she didn't realize that it was her own power going out of control and that all the incidents that happened bore "her magic signature", so to speak. She failed to "tune in" with her magic.

For the first time ever, Sakura expresses anger at herself.

She will direct that anger (to a lesser extent) to Syaoran too, but I'll tackle that in a separate post.

This is a moment of deep reflection and regrets for Sakura: the poor understanding of herself, the poor "communication" between her heart and her magic powers brought to a situation where her most beloved person was putting himself in danger in order to protect her, while trying to not make things escalate. This is a very sensitive, beautiful and important moment, steeped in conflicting and complex feelings (and remember, Sakura is just a pre-teen. It is normal for a pre-teen like her to not understand herself, but there's just one tiny detail: she's not a common pre-teen, due to her natural gift, and she needs to take that into account). Eventually Sakura calms down, and after creating Rewind, her resolute face while hugging tightly Syaoran suggests that from now on she'll face this matter from another, more courageous and determined perspective.

Or at least, these were her good intentions. Because unfortunately, insecurities are hard to eradicate and in the central part of the story it's shocking to realize how far longer Sakura will insist in shutting away her emotions and refusing to listen to her heart (and intuition) fully.

"It's Just My Imagination"

Part of Sakura's anxiety might have been sedated with the revelation that the Clear Cards are produced by the girl herself, but unfortunately the true core of her problems was not solved at all and will only surface more clearly in the next 20 chapters.

Sakura actively starts having "premonitory bad feelings" when she sees Akiho in volume 7 chapter 34, a bad feeling that she does check with Syaoran, but quickly dismisses as "well, it's just my imagination". This will basically be one of the major problems preventing her from reaching the complete control of her magic. Sakura, knowing her magic potential, should've given way more credit to her sixth sense, but her anxiety, her insecurity and her crippled connection to her innate gift still pushes her to dismiss these "signs" as nothing really important or true. Timely as hell, a few hours later something bad will indeed happen to Akiho, where she completely loses consciousness for the first time and the clan/Association actively starts to absorb Sakura's power through the artifact implanted in Akiho. All of this was caused by the high concentration of magic that "triggered" Akiho's artifact (and here I have to sarcastically "applaud" Kaito, just like Syaoran he's another one who does stuff before thinking through, ultimately worsening the problem).

Once trapped in Akiho's artifact, thanks to her power Sakura can see the most horrifying glimpse of Akiho's past, when she was turned into a magic artifact, by living it on her own skin. And even though Kaito is forced to rewind time once again to save the situation, erasing these memories from Sakura's head, her heart (which is tightly connected to her magical sixth sense - I'd daresay her heart is straight up the source of her magic) DOES REMEMBER, pushing Sakura to act in an apparently irrational way, crying and hugging Akiho tight in empathy. Sakura is particularly shaken by this feeling, still in pain even hours later, but once again she doesn't understand where it comes from. However, she does express with Syaoran an intention to talk to him about it once she's able to put it into words, and in the meantime do her best with all the rest. At least, there's an intention to understand better this part of herself, but it's still soon to see actual results.

Aaand CLAMP really seem to be wanting to test Sakura in this arc, because at this point of the plot, they add the electrocution spell. 😅 No one seems to understand who caused it (it's not Sakura, nor Kaito, but now we know it was none other than Yelan!!) and Sakura's anxiety increases once again. The fact only Syaoran gets affected by it inevitably reignites the doubts in her mind, unwittingly reminded of that terrifying dream of Cloaked Syaoran she keeps seeing...but she stubbornly keeps telling herself "no, it's not like that, it's just a dream". It's undeniable that this situation where she cannot understand her foretelling dreams yet, and the way they show her scattered hints because her power is out of control, has surely contributed to Sakura's insecurity when it comes to trust her own intuition.

Her power is so out of control at this point, that even when Kaito shrinks her and throws her in a hole carved into a tree (landing in a "world" created with magic where he hopes she'll create the right Card) her dreams take over again (it's apparent by the "shaaan" sound and how everything turns suddenly pitch black, a common background of her dreams), showing her Akiho in the dress she was wearing when she was turned into an artifact and, inevitably, Sakura's biggest fear, "Cloaked Syaoran". Pay attention because these visions she's getting here thanks to her power match what will happen later on: what the talking flowers tell her here will turn out to be the beginning of the lyrics of the main theme of the "Alice in Clockland" play. This vision of Cloaked Syaoran seemingly "about to do something" to Akiho horrifies Sakura to the point of screaming in terror and creating one of the most unsettling Cards, "Break". It is after this very scary moment that Sakura starts to wonder very specifically for what purpose she is creating all these Cards. The purpose is actually more than one, but she definitely posed herself THE RIGHT question, as this brings her one step closer to the core of the problem and eventually embracing her own magic abilities.

Then, between chapters 43 and 45 we finally start to see some changes in Sakura: surprisingly, she begins to listen more to her sixth sense, first catching Yukito red-handed while activating a newly acquired magic, and then wondering about a strange painful feeling in her chest when her father tells her that lately she and Akiho became even more similar. We were all lead to believe that this was the foreshadowing of Akiho taking her place (cause everything in the plot at this point deceivingly hints at Kaito wanting to switch them), but she actually was getting foreshadowings of the "rewritten world", where Sakura would genuinely feel wrecked to know that someone important to Akiho was missing, precisely when Akiho would've become part of her family as her twin. In fact, in chapter 45, before falling completely asleep, she hears again the ominous "you won't be able to come back" (the Association's threat to Kaito), wondering WHO wouldn't be able to come back - somehow, Sakura knows that it's not directed at her.

"Just Tell me Honestly How You Feel"

And then, we reach another moment that I consider pivotal for Sakura's growth during this Clear Card Arc. The moment when she's on the verge of breaking down and finally lets all her feelings out.

Her anxiety over the dream with the Cloaked Figure reached the highest peak, so much that she finally manifests a Card, Mirage, that challenges her precisely with that appearance. While Sakura battles that Card (which at the moment she still believes it's an actual person), she seems resoluted to get to the bottom of this story, and to pull down that hood to know the truth. You can really feel that she's so done with all this psychological torture. The fact the real Syaoran appears right at that moment and she finds out the person she saw was just a Card is partly a relief for her, but also throws Sakura again in despair because who the hell is that person in the dream, then??

Syaoran, as the good and attentive boyfriend he is, can just feel that Sakura is stressing over something, so he brings her to his home to help her calming down. And to her umpteenth attempt at sweeping her negative emotions under the carpet, beating around the bush commenting over the tea with a fake smile, he cuts immediately her bullshit and just tells her : "You don't need to force yourself. Just tell me how you feel right now". When she hears that she's allowed to speak out her emotions with honesty, Sakura wears on her face one of the most heartbreaking expressions of the entire manga. She's literally about to break down in tears of exhaustion, as you can see it above. ☝️ Listening to her, gradually, Syaoran encourages Sakura to get out all that's been torturing her lately, particularly about the dream with the Cloaked Figure. It is a very difficult moment for her, because she has to relive the dream, and expose in front of him all the fears and doubts that were trying to tamper with her trust in him. Courageously, she goes through with it, even though her denial ("it's just a dream!") is so strong that she ends up creating another Card: "Dreaming". Sakura at first seems relieved to see the Card, in the hope that everything she saw was indeed a mere messed up dream and nothing else (see? she's again self-sabotaging her relationship with her magic) but Syaoran with his frankness is quick to bring her feet on the ground: the kanji on the Card show "yumemi", and the word can also indicate a "foretelling dream".

Although Sakura seems disheartened at first, her next dream with the Cloaked Figure is much more relaxed, so much that even the dragon doesn't particularly scare her anymore: our girl's intuition makes her correctly feel a sense of loneliness in this dream, which she attributes to the hooded figure, not realizing that it was more likely coming from the dragon itself (aka, Kaito). After all, in chapter 72, Lilie will confirm that her presence ended up distracting her from the one "character" she should've paid all of her attention to. Her intuition, despite being misattributed, ended up having a positive effect through the synchronization with Akiho: the girl will wake up with the same feeling of discomfort of her friend, and as if guided by hitsuzen, she will head to the garden where she'll find a sickly Kaito staring at the moon - most likely feeling the loneliness Sakura perceived in her dream. I like to think that in this scene of chapter 48, Sakura subconsciously helped Akiho comforting Kaito, by waking her up with the unresting feeling, precisely when Kaito needed it the most. Still not completely embraced her magical sixth sense yet, but a significant improvement.

The road between chapter 48 and chapter 52 is paved with lots of struggles, as the Mirror Sakura Card gets stolen by Kaito, Sakura runs the risk of being absorbed into Akiho's artifact again, she meets Momo for the first time and she's even given a hint about Kaito's plan (or what Momo thought was his plan, as he had benignly lied to her about that), but almost all of that gets rewound and erased when Kaito intervenes. Moreover, despite not remembering anything consciously, Sakura is left with a sense of unhappiness when she looks at her home, a remnant of her brief journey in the world of Momo's book which straight up threw her into despair, showing her what her life would be if everyone forgot about her. She also finds once again a Card produced out of nowhere, "Time": I'm convinced she produced this Card because her conscience was awake while Momo and Kaito talked in stopped time, and their conversation triggered her sixth sense to produce Time as a result. Needless to say, all of this worsens her state of mind once again, which leads to the other pivotal, and finally resolutive, scene of chapter 52.

Never Avert Your Eyes From Your Heart

We finally get to what I consider THE scene, the one that will definitively shake Sakura from her deadlock, from the anxiety that stunted her connection with her innate gift and her deepest emotions. And the one who helps her overcoming all her fears is, of course, the love of her life - with a honorable mention for none other than his mother Yelan!!

Chapter 52 got a very, very special place in my heart, because it's basically one giant parallel between SyaoSaku and YunaAki. The two pairings experience similar situations, but the response from one side of each pairing is quite different. Let's remind you for a moment of the part earlier in this post when I told you that Kaito and Sakura, for most of Clear Card, surprisingly have one thing in common: they don't seem to understand themselves well enough, and both have a tendency to look away from feelings that cause unrest to their hearts - anxiety for Sakura, love for Kaito.

Syaoran, always attentive and observant towards his girlfriend, notices immediately that Sakura is suffering, as soon as he sees her at school. Despite being unable to touch her to comfort her, he offers all of himself to support and listen to her concerns. Sakura is visibly and pleasantly surprised of how the boy could read behind her mask, that usual contrived smile with which she tries to dissimulate her emotions and not make him worry. A bad habit she's consolidated lately, but that Syaoran is gently determined to dismantle. After opening up with him (and this is where Sakura differs from Kaito - by having an established relationship made of love and trust with Syaoran, Sakura lowers her walls with him), she falls once again into the usual trap of "but maybe it's just my imagination" and I love to see how Syaoran is her anchor to the ground, making her see the concreteness of this situation: he straight up tells her "you produced a Card out of it, it cannot be 'just your imagination'. " And then, like a precious family gift, he passes on to her the priceless words of wisdom of his mother Yelan, an advice that not only Sakura, but also the other "lost soul" of the other paralleling pairing should listen to:

"People with magical power should never ignore the turmoil and stirring in their hearts, the so-called 'intuition'. And it’s not limited to people with magical powers. People should never avert their eyes from the changes in their heart."

This is a turning point for Sakura. These words seem to positively "break" something inside of her, showing her the correct path to follow. CLAMP beautifully portray this process of "embracing and assimilating" the words she's just heard, by making her place her hand over her heart. I love when they do that (they used the same visual when Akiho heard Kaito's true name, and 'wrote it' on the most important page of the book of her life). Sakura is truly grateful for the words Syaoran relayed to her, precisely what she needed to get out of her impasse with her feelings and magic. She knows she can always count on the support of her soulmate even in the darkest moments, and she's thankful for having him in her life.

From this moment onwards, Sakura will experience several instances where her magical premonitory senses give her signals through the "stirring" of her heart. Contrarily to before, she starts to actively take them seriously, listening, without dismissing them as the delirium of an anxious little girl. This allows her to activate the Siege Card in the fraction of a second, successfully shielding herself from Kaito's time magic, making her the first person ever who achieved that. This also leads her to effectively remember that she saw Kaito using magic, even when time was rewound by him, and contact immediately Syaoran to talk about it, planning how to move from that moment onwards. A little relapse on her bad habit is immediately dispelled by Syaoran, and our girl even goes as far as saying "there's something inside Akiho", even though she's not sure exactly why she's feeling that way. But it's an intuition she's having and she decides to not dismiss it anymore, with everyone trusting and supporting her in that direction. By listening more and better to what her heart tells her, Sakura also decides to not confront Akiho about Kaito and his magic, because she's well aware of the feelings Akiho got for Kaito and she doesn't want to potentially disrupt their relationship. So, she decides to wait for her friend to talk about it first.

Thanks to this better understanding of her own intuition, she also says in chapter 57 that she wants to meet the guardian of the book "Alice in Clockland" once more, despite not remembering if and when she's met her before. This also ultimately leads her to accept the role of Alice in the upcoming play scripted by her friend Naoko, because her sixth sense tells her that it's inevitable for her to do so. It's important to emphasize how the other characters support and encourage her to listen to her innate gift, at this point, without trampling over her self-determination like they did before.

It is a moment of big growth and character development for everyone.

The Ultimate Growth: Finding a Meaning and a Purpose

What happens afterwards is history: the fateful "Alice in Clockland" play unfolds, and Kaito completes his plan to push Sakura to create the Card he needs, exchanging his magic artifact (the watch) with Akiho's one (the book), in addition to activating the forbidden magic to rewrite the memories of everyone, to fit Akiho as part of Sakura's family.

Sakura's intuition will be crucial to wake her true self up while in Clockland, succeeding in beating Kaito's magic multiple times, till Syaoran comes in and gives the "final blow", cutting off the spell definitively.

And even when everything seems lost because Kaito successfully activated the fobidden magic, changing their memories and erasing himself from their existence, Sakura's magic and sixth sense keep making her say things she either already said or heard before in the "unrewritten world". Not only that, but even after meeting Lilie in a dream and forgetting her face (due to the strong influence of the forbidden spell), bit and pieces of that conversation keep coming back to her, and she listens dutifully to every single one of these "feelings". Kaito might have overridden part of their memories (only the ones concerning him, Akiho and the events connected to the creation of the Cards), but the experience, feelings and personal growth of each character were left untouched, that's why the chemistry between Sakura and Syaoran is the same as before the play started, but also Sakura's personal relationship with her magic is far better than before (an information that might have seemed random and unimportant is that now Sakura summons Mirror even just to chat, an indication of her completely changed perspective on her magic).

Now that Sakura finally embraced her magical power, all that's left for her is to find a true purpose for it.

A question echoes in my mind, "What am I creating these Cards for?". Sakura poses herself this question halfway through the story, and she finds the answer to it precisely at the end of the journey.

Her powerful magic intuition, combined with her immense empathy, leads her to realize that somebody is missing from their reality, and that person is the one Akiho loves. At this point Sakura is unstoppable: she wants to listen to the voice in her heart that's screaming "Go and help them!! Give the true happiness back to Akiho!", and everyone can only follow her lead as she assertively puts into practice what her heart is telling her to do.

Sakura in this final part of the story shines brighter than ever. She's more assertive and self-confident than ever. All of this is because there's something she strongly wants to do with her innate gift, as Eriol unequivocally says in chapter 75: her power grows exponentially again, but this time it's not out of her control - it is Sakura herself who's voluntarily boosting it, thanks to her strong wish. And that allows her to control it and use it exactly as she wants.

In chapter 79 her growth reaches the highest peak, by handling the resolution of Akiho and Kaito's personal problems in an admirable way (she steps aside for a moment to give Akiho all the agency she needed), but also finding herself in front of an uncomfortable dilemma, which leads her to an unavoidable reality: Sakura quickly understands that she cannot be on everyone's side and there are lines to be drawn at some point. She can't be a pure and oblivious girl forever. She needs to grow up. There are choices to be made, especially when dealing with real evil people.

And Sakura choses to go on with the people she loves, even if that means she has to "stain" her "moral record" a little bit.

Empowered by this strong wish to fix the situation, she literally gives life to a miracle, protecting her dear friend and her beloved from the grasp of their abusers, simultanously giving everyone their true memories back. The effort exerts her greatly, but what she achieved is by far the most important thing she's ever done with her magic power till now: she helped two dear people lost in a life-and-death situation. Her magical growth went along with her personal, mental one.

This is also the reason why the accusations of "the other magicians should've trained her" end up being in vain: Sakura's problem with her powers was mainly on a personal level, not on a technical one. This was a journey she had to mainly walk by herself, finding the right balance and confidence in her abilities, deep down in her heart.

No one could've done that for her.

Merely training the practical aspect of it would've just worsened the situation, because Sakura wouldn't have been truly "in it" with her heart and mind. She needed to go through this process of growth, before reaching this stage of self-awareness in relation to her magic powers. I truly feel this is the reason why CLAMP made certain choices inside this story. Again, as I always say, a good part of Cardcaptor Sakura does revolve around magic, but the main focus and linchpin of this story is and always will be the main character's heart, her growth and the interpersonal relationships with her loved ones.

This makes Clear Card Arc, in my opinion, a worthy sequel and a full-fledged part of the Cardcaptor Sakura series. I think those who decide to skip it or read it with a superficial approach miss a journey of tremendous growth for our beloved protagonist.

So much for those who kept saying "This is not Sakura's story".

How can all that ☝️ NOT be Sakura's story?

I'll let you judge. 😊

Extra: The Significance of the Clear Cards

I want to digress for a moment about a thorny topic: the significance of the Clear Cards in this story.

Sakura isn't always completely passive towards the events happening around her, but wonders several times during the story why all those Cards are manifesting like that. While the first and easiest answer is of course "because her powers are going out of control" (and this is something Momo herself questions Sakura about in chapter 50), it becomes apparent at some point that the more the story goes on, the more the Cards that are created by her are particularly relevant and connected to the events that will happen in the final part of the story.

I know this is a sore spot for many who complain about not understanding the purpose of the Clear cards. It's because people tend to compare this set of Cards with the ones Sakura captured previously. That's not the right way to look at them, because their origin and purpose are different and change throughout the story. Forget about the Sakura Cards, even though so many of these "Clear Cards" (which are never called so, not even once, in the story itself, but just "new cards" or "transparent cards") might look so similar in purpose to the previous ones.

First of all, the Clear Cards are an outlet for Sakura to vent in a healthy way her power in excess. Power that if kept inside, untapped and confined in her body, might have unpredictable harmful effects on her (<- probably the grief Yelan foresaw). God bless the Clear Cards for existing and allowing Sakura to vent out these bouts of uncontrolled power in a relatively safe way.

The Cards that Sakura produces in the beginning are sometimes reminiscing of the Sakura Cards, because her power manifests itself basing on Sakura's experiences, feelings, thoughts and wishes. The Sakura Cards are an important part of her life (before Syaoran took them, she literally acted like their "mom", keeping them alive with her power) so it's only normal that the first base for some of these new Cards would be a magic tool that she already knows. In this sense, it becomes easier to understand why many of the "captures" seem so easy, way too easy compared to what a reader would expect from a sequel: the goal of the capture here isn't to make her power and experience in capturing cards grow. She already had 2 arcs to do all of that. The capture of the Cards in this third arc becomes something new and unexpected: a "damage control" of a regrettable situation with Sakura's powers, while she learns to dominate them and enter into harmony with her supernatural abilities. The growth Sakura needs here is mainly a mental one. Performing her magical power aimlessly without having a true connection with it and a true understanding will only exacerbate the problem. This is the reason why, despite having a "capture" element, Clear Card derails from the previous arcs in the purpose of the capture. It's a pity that an element that should've brought freshness to the plot was in many cases received as an actual flaw.

In the beginning, as Sakura's power is completely out of her control, some Cards might look completely random too - they don't look based on Cards, thoughts or wishes (like Appear, Reflect, Action, etc.). But pay attention, because the more the story goes on, the more the Cards begin to become particularly specific to something that shook Sakura's heart in that moment, or referencing events/feelings that will become pivotal to the events Sakura will experience later. Especially regarding Kaito's plan. Many of the later Cards Sakura produces are a direct reflection of the feelings and wishes that Kaito infused in the activation of the forbidden magic, with the creation of "the story for Akiho", the one he wanted to absolutely have a happy ending for. Cards like Repair, Promise, Choice, Kindness, True and False, Synchronization, Rewind....many of them didn't even get to express their magical abilities in a "conventional way" (everyone expected to see Sakura literally activating them like she does with all the others), but it's just because at that point the Cards Sakura is producing are born following her premonitory intuition: thanks to the hints/speeches that those Cards give her in Clockland, Sakura little by little regains consciousness of her true self (it's a pity that many English readers will never realize all the times Sakura was about to "wake up" in Clockland, because the translation didn't respect the change in fonts of the JP text). Sakura wasn't supposed to "use" them in a conventional way (how do you "use" Kindness? You force people to be "kind"? 🤨 and what about Choice??), she was supposed to listen to them and let them guide her towards the truth. This is also the reason why all of these Cards bear the face of her loved ones. Think of them as tarots. Which is, incidentally, another use of the original Clow/Sakura Cards. I am basically sure of this interpretation because the kanji of some of those Cards I mentioned above are brought up during the climax: particularly when Akiho talks to Kaito in chapter 78, she uses two specific verbs, referring to Kindness (慈愛 - a kind of gentle and tender love) when she describes the love and support her family gives her in this rewritten world, and to Choice (選択) when she questions Kaito about his choice to disappear completely from her life. So to summarize, the last Cards Sakura produced "accidentally" weren't accidental at all, but were actually specifically produced by her power in reference to Kaito's plan, to help her finding the way out to a dire situation. This represents a very important indicator in the plot: at that stage of the story, Sakura started to listen more and more to her intuition and her sixth sense, finally quitting her bad habit of downplaying it ("maybe it's just me") but actually giving it credit and taking it seriously, trusting her instinct to lead her in the right direction. And this was, of course, all thanks to the speech Syaoran gave her back in chapter 52. It is also the case of the Rewind Card, which Sakura will ultimately understand the purpose of on her own, at the very end of the series. That's the moment where everything will become clear and make sense to her: "This Card, too...I created it precisely for this moment". The Clear Cards ultimately became the embodiment of her foretelling powers. Which then led to the birth of the first two consciously created Cards, Blank & Remind, which will become so important in the climax.

If we ever get a new arc in the next years, we'll certainly deal with a more mature Sakura, who's more in sync with her magical powers 🩷.

[pacific-rimbaud]

i was reading your thoughts on how fans felt about l&oha and while i concur it is a perfect piece of work in my head and have reread it 5x, i wonder if you think fans tend to be harsher/more critical of hermione and let draco slide? i see it a lot in fics where he's more of an alphahole type

Oh, man. Okay. The can is open, the worms are loose. Rant under the cut.

I'm actually going to set men aside entirely. Just. To the side with you. I desperately need more realistically complicated men, too, but that's a whole separate discussion. Right now: women.

There must be whole dissertations out there on the phenomenon of readers hating female characters with negative traits. I'm a fandom old, so I didn't grow up identifying with Hermione, and wouldn't have even if I'd been young enough to. I did that "which character are you" test just now and my top three matches were Janis Ian from Mean Girls, Jughead from Riverdale and April from Parks and Rec, which, massive grain of salt, etc. BUT gives you an idea. I am not a Hermione and never was, so she's never been a comfort character or self-insert for me. Some of my favorite fictional women are Sophie Hatter (mean, irrational, petty, old and mostly loving it), Harrowhark Nonagesimus (evil stick), Phryne Fisher (zero fucks to give). What I like about Hermione is how imperfect she is. I'm a "cleverest witch of your age I've ever met" truther (book!Lupin is absolutely saying "you're the canniest 14 year-old child I have personally met, saying this as a guy who doesn't get out much," not "you are a once-in-a-century genius"), and from my perspective, she's often wrong and often a dick, and not in a fun and fiesty burn-down-the-world BAMF way. Which. Good for her! Be human.

And that's the thing. I personally don't want Hermione to be perfect, I want her to be what I think she is, textually, which is intelligent, hardworking, loyal, competitive, compassionate, controlling, belittling, rude, petty, insecure, vindictive, volatile. She has the right to be that way, because she's human. The desire for perfected women (or unapologetically and unstoppably awful ones, another brand of female power fantasy) is not limited to Dramione fandom. I think it's amplified in DHr by many readers who DO identify as former gifted children, books-as-coping-mechanism kids and Strong Female Personalities who felt marginalized in childhood and want to see Hermione have it all: she's slim, she's tiny, she's fragile as a bird, she'll break your neck, she'll step on your throat, she'll tear down the system, she'll heal all wounds, she does not need help, she holds all the knowledge, she holds all the cards, she is forever wronged, she can do no wrong, her vagina is tight, her nipples are hard, her hair is on point, her waist is tiny, her tits are bouncing, her ass is in the style of Now. And like. This isn't at all unique to DHr and Hermione. It's pervasive in fiction written by and for women. Female power fantasies are obviously feeding a massive hunger. It's just not what I personally want. Personally, I find it alienating and uncomfortable, which I know equates to, "That is wrong and shouldn't exist" to a lot of people, but that's its own tale as old as time.

There's a disconnect that happens too often where a reader wants one (1) thing from their fiction, and receives something else, even when the contents are clearly labeled on the tin. In this case, wanting a female power fantasy and encountering a woman who's written with flaws makes people upset. And maybe if we could be more honest with ourselves about what we're looking for when we read, work to accept that not everyone wants the same experience, and learn to close a book when it's not working for us and say, "No shade, this isn't for me," it would be less upsetting when we encounter a character who isn't written to meet our personal expectations. I will open a book, realize the FMC is a female power fantasy archetype and close it, because that's not what I show up for. I like my women gritty and weird and foolish and vulnerable and liable to hurt people and feel terrible about it. Give me all the exhausting chatterers and evil sticks and jocks with swords and their hearts on their sleeves (their hearts ripped out), give me shy Anne Elliot and her suitcase full of regrets and the ugly fuckup who never has a glow up, give me dirtbag stoners and Fleabag and Alicent Hightower apologetics and every role Natasha Lyon has ever played. It's not a moral high ground, it's about a preference for seeing actual, demeritus flaws on the page and on the screen. Blame that woman. It's her fault. She has so many faults. Then show me how to forgive her so I can figure out how to forgive myself.

The thing is, I love women. I love women so fucking much. I want to be around them, to get to know them, to read about them, to watch them on TV and see them in films. And personally, I like them ugly. Physically. Spiritually. Morally. Give a woman a Bad Personality and watch her succeed in the most self-injurious way possible, fuck you. Give her a gaping chest wound and line it with teeth. Stick a piece of grit in that girl's tightly sealed shell so that a pearl is her only option. Make her love other women, make her fuck it up, make her have to earn them back.

Thankfully I do feel like we're getting more ugly women in fiction, especially BIPOC, queer and marginalized women who deserve gross, weird, nasty representation and not just didactic moralism, patronization and misguided sainthood. Some readers won't want that, and that's fine. Again, personally (it's all so personal, please, please remember that when you hit that comment button), I'm here for it. If you write about women like this, know that you have a thirsty reader here. I'm swallowing them up. I'm smacking my lips. I'm smashing my mug on the cafeteria floor and calling for another.

[noturprobiem]

I've never read anything that captures what living with PTSD feels like for me as good as Heaven official's blessing.

(Please bear in mind that everything I'll say is just my interpretation. This is not a theory, this is the way I personally view this story. And the things I say about PTSD are my experiences, not the universal truth in any way)

There are a lot of stories about traumatized characters. Usually, the only way for them to be happy is to heal, to live just like they did before.

But healing can take years. Sometimes, fully healing can even be impossible. Some people have to accept that they'll always be traumatized and learn to live with it, to still be happy. That's the first thing I appreciate in the portrayal of Xie Lian's trauma: he will always bear the weight of his past and he will never be as carefree as he was before his trauma but it doesn't mean his life isn't worth living and it doesn't mean he can't enjoy it to the fullest.

For me, the moment I started to notice sings of PTSD in Xie Lian was the moment he claimed that he can't feel pain anymore as he has been hurt too many times. He says it casually as for him it's just a fact. He acts the same when he talks about his past "deaths" that aren't worth remembering and other unpleasant experiences. This behaviour very common among heavily traumatized people. We tend to talk about our trauma casually, jokingly and dismissively, detached and unbothered while describing things that horrify people around us. Xie Lian doesn't see his past in night terrors and he doesn't tell his tragic backstory in a serious, mournful voice and it sometimes makes people miss the weight of the things he is describing. It is easy to believe that he wasn't seriously hurt when he says he doesn't even remember what happened, but not remembering the specifics of the traumatic event is pretty common and it doesn't mean the pain is gone.

And Xie Lian doesn't only seem unbothered by the past, he is pretty calm in the present, too. Because he has been through so much, he isn't afraid of anything. That is, unless someone brings up his trigger — the White calamity. This sudden shift in tone reminds the reader that Xie Lian isn't an unfeeling being who's transcended fear, he is still affected, he can still be scared. This fear has been living inside him for hundreds of years, and this memory hidden in the back of his mind will never leave him. But it doesn't make him weak. And it doesn't make him stronger, ether. It's just there.

What makes him stronger is his refusal to succumb to the overwhelming desire to make everyone experience the pain he had to go through. He almost does. In fact, that was one of the best and most realistic parts of his experience in my opinion. PTSD can be very "ugly" sometimes, swallowing you whole, it can make you feel jealous of people who live happily, it can make you dream of revenge and wish for what you perceive as justice. And you may feel that there's no reason to overcome those feelings. Why even bother to be empathetic in a world that has only hurt and ostracized you?

And for me, Xie Lian's story is a reminder that being hurt is not an excuse to hurt others. That's an idea that may seem easy to understand but it's a principal that sometimes takes a lot of effort to uphold. His pain doesn't make him stronger, but the way he deals with it does.

That is what Xie Lian represents to me — refusing to let your trauma define you while accepting that it'll always be with you and that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep going. I cannot express how much I love this story, honestly.

Thank you for reading my ramblings! I hope I managed to express my thoughts well enough for it to not sound like a bunch of disconnected notes

[pokelolmc]

Fixing TUE Part 2.5--How I'd change Dan's story.

This is my take on Dan's narrative as "Danny's evil future self" in my analysis of The Ultimate Enemy. You can find part two here:

(Part 2), Part 2.5, (Part 3)

The episode tried to play the "alternate timeline evil self" straight, but turning Dan into a Danny and Vlad fusion causes it to veer off the "Dan is Danny turned evil" mark and contradict the episode's previous setup.

I'll admit, I got a bit negative in the last post, so it's a good thing this is more about ideas for improvements.

The obvious choice is either: make Dan literally just Danny/Phantom as an adult, turned evil (to play into the original narrative) or keep the fusion aspect and subvert the narrative.

So, while it'd make for a much more straightfoward/correct "villain self" story if Dan really was just if "Danny woke up and chose violence", I think I'd stick with the fusion aspect. Because that leaves so many interesting questions to explore about identity and moral responsibility--and it'd create an interesting twist on the typical "alternative villain self" trope.

Let's say that the new version of the episode follows a similar portrayal of Dan to canon initially--"Dan is Danny's evil future self", "Danny is going to become Dan" (without Clockwork's commentary, since he knows better)--and Danny agonises over it (after he actually makes legitimate moral mistakes in the episode and feels guilty about it, like actively abusing his ghost powers to cheat the CAT).

Then he finds out how Dan was actually created, and it's treated like a plot twist. The final act reveals that Dan is a fusion of two ghost halves, and Danny's not responsible for Dan in the same way he thought he was. Alternate!Phantom is still a part of Dan, but Dan and Danny's dynamic is different now.

In-universe, maybe the reason Dan only identifies as Danny is he didn’t want to remember the truth of his creation, and went into complete denial. The fact that he was born from Danny and Vlad's deep grief/loss/loneliness/emotional pain was too much for him to confront. It was one massive, overwhelming, toxic concoction. So, he decided he’d rather forget it. Since Vlad’s human half was still alive somewhere and could meet him again (reminding him of his fusion nature), his mind could’ve chosen to disconnect from the Plasmius component of his identity.

Instead, he deluded himself into believing that he was just a Danny who turned evil after he lost his loved ones and “purified” himself of his painful human half, since Danny’s identity was the most convenient to appropriate (with his human half being dead,  and all) and the fusion woke up with Danny's logo.

Ironically, he didn’t actually lose his painful emotions. The halfa-splitting sorted deep emotional pain into the two ghost halves—based on the mental states/desires of the halfas when the separations occurred (eg., Danny’s desire to remove his pain). Rather than “ridding himself of emotions”, he became that negativity/pain incarnate, and it came out in the most destructive and monstrous way possible. After all, anger and wrath can come from a defence/vent for unacknowledged pain.

When Danny learns of Dan's backstory, he has to take a step back to process it all. He knows that Alternate!Vlad's too weak to kill him, even with the Ghost Gauntlets, so he reluctantly trusts his nemesis(...?) and makes a deal--if Vlad knows anything that could be used to stop Dan, give it over to Danny and he can go after Dan himself to undo everything in the past. No fight for the sake of a cutaway gag, here--we get some relationship development (on Danny's end, at least).

Vlad reluctantly agrees (he believes there's no way Danny can win, but he doesn't have much else of a choice--he's backed into a corner, and just thinks "What the hell? I've got nothing...")...and that triggers him to admit what happened ten years ago. Then he gives Danny the Ghost Gauntlets willingly and gets all serious:

"...Daniel?"

"...Yeah?"

"You have to promise me one thing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just swear it!"

"O-okay, okay! Jeez! I swear. Happy?"

Vlad looks down pensively before his sunken, hollow eyes bury into Danny's with alarming clarity.

"If you fail...NEVER go to me. Leave Amity Park, move to another country, hide in the Ghost Zone...I don't care. Just...stay away from me, at all costs. If I chase you, run. Run like the world depends on it."

For someone who's never seen Vlad want nothing to do with him before...acting more like Danny's response to Vlad's advances in the past...it's bizarre. It prompts him to question what's really going on in Vlad's head in his own timeline, and what if there's something still in him like this?

So Dan's backstory actually affects the plot, and plays a role in the climax of the episode. And even though he doesn't show up in person, we address Vlad's responsibility in Dan's creation and he gets to contibute, willingly and meaningfully--by providing Danny with Dan's backstory (not just the Ghost Gauntlets Danny stole from him in combat).

It could come into play as a psychological weapon, to shatter Dan's denial— “I’m not you, Dan…I CREATED you!”, “You’re not me, you were MY MISTAKE!”, causing Dan to have a third-act breakdown (technically not main!Danny's mistake, since he's not Alternate!Danny, but he's putting it in the words Dan used in order to correct him). Then the Ghostly Wail can finish him off...or maybe he's strong enough that the Ghostly Wail doesn't end him, and it's the shock of the revelation that immobilises him enough for Danny to get him into the thermos.

[cooki3face]

Broken femininity as generational trauma and karma that is passed down through women in the family is most times if not always very difficult to overcome. Aspects of a broken/unhealed/wounded divine feminine may include things like ..

shame and embarrassment when it comes to sexuality, to emotional vulnerability or parts and aspects of oneself that are usually very natural. You may see things like this when we’re discussing purity culture or looking at people who grew up in very strict households or even religious households that hid and made aspects of woman hood and self expression out to be something that should be shunned, hidden from others, or something to be embarrassed of. Lots of women who have this issue may take to mocking (femininity, emotions, etc.) , policing women’s bodies, etc. may struggle with tapping into a sensual energy, or may struggle to model herself in ways that are confident.

Insecurities or feelings of unworthiness. This could be someone who may not be able to accept and appreciate good things within their lives. Compliments, good people (romantic or platonic), or opportunities.

Manipulative, controlling, aggressive, avoidant or guarded and maybe even emotionally repressive or unstable. This happens when someone doesn’t feel like they can get the things they desire or want in life or from others by being genuine. This could stem from a fear of abandonment or even a feeling of inadequacy. It’s almost as if this person is saying, “someway, somehow, I’m going to get what I want when people refuse to choose me, or when I’m faced with an issue where I don’t feel like I’m enough for someone.”

A disconnect from her inner self and/or her intuition (or faith depending on your own personal beliefs) she doesn’t trust her intuition, she doesn’t listen to or value her needs and what her own feelings, body, or mind is telling her at all. Someone not knowing what they want, what they’ll tolerate, what they need from others can create a lot of issues. She doesn’t know what to accept and what not to, she doesn’t know how to move in ways that are conducive and healthy and safe for her. There’s no acknowledgment of one’s inner self and therefore no knowledge on how to put herself first or do what’s best for herself. We see this all the time especially in the types of people someone of the women in our lives choose to spend their time around or devote themselves to. She may have bad choices in men or partners, in friends, bad or unsafe choices in life, etc.

Seeking external validation & deeply rooted misogyny. We see this a lot, we call these people pick me’s, these are typically those who are extremely disconnected from their inner feminine and you may see them stick to people who make them feel seen, you may see them have certain behaviors where they try to differentiate themselves from others as well. “She’s not a girls girl.” Or this person could be male identified or make take to bullying, belittling or trying to invalidate or women in her life or their practices, hobbies, or feminine attributes and it comes from a place of lack. It’s as if she’s saying, “nobody told me I was beautiful, that I was enough, or that I was worthy, or that it was safe to exist in my feminine energy and so when I see security or an awakened feminine in others it triggers me or could make me irritated or upset.”

There are so many ways these things happen and a lot of the time it’s taught. Especially if someone is raised in a household that it predominately the opposite sex and grow up being taught that men/women are bad or horrible, etc. they may grow up to have similar ideas and carry themselves in ways that make them feel as if they are different from other girls/boys because all children seek approval and validation from parental figures or important adults within their lives. I grew up with a parental figure who was out of touch with her femininity and around many other women who were out of touch with femininity as well. And very often, these things are much deeper than we perceive them to be, sometimes they’re cultural, sometimes they stem from years of oppression and abuse, outside of and inside of the home.

[charmedreincarnation]

Why do I deprive myself of happiness? Why can’t I imagine being happy? Why does it feel so odd

I usually answer asks in order but this one caught me eye because I use to relate to it so bad :(!

Happiness is a fundamental part of life. It's a source of joy and contentment, and something we all strive for. But sometimes, for many of us, it can also feel strangely out of reach. We may find ourselves struggling to find joy and feeling almost incapable of being truly happy.

So why do we deprive ourselves of this happiness? Why can’t we imagine what it might feel like to be truly happy in our lives? Why does it feel so strange to even consider the possibility?

When I would experience or witness others finding joy in life, I sometimes feel a disconnection from that happiness—as if it doesn’t directly apply to me. It’s a bewildering sensation that I know many of us are familiar with.

We could be surrounded by the people and experiences that typically bring us contentment, but still find ourselves unable to fully embrace it. The answer to this conundrum is complex, and yet there are often patterns within our daily lives that can help us unlock the answers.

It could be that we lack commitment to our own happiness or feel uncomfortable with the idea of being contented. We also might not make time for activities that encourage positive thoughts, or they make us feel guilty for being happy when others around us are not.

We can also be our own worst enemy when it comes to achieving happiness, constantly setting unattainable standards or demanding perfection. This can create a toxic cycle of comparison, envy, and insecurities—all of which lead down a road that usually doesn’t have a happy ending.

The key is to consciously try to make changes in your life that bring joy and focus on activities that bring us closer to our goals. Allow yourself to take breaks for self-care and find sources of inspiration that you can draw from. It’s ok to take some time to nurture yourself and be proud of any progress you make along the way.

The best part about all of this is that once we become aware of our habits and patterns, we open the door for real change. Happiness is not something unreachable—it’s within our reach, and something we should strive for every day.

But babe It's time to stop playing small and start believing in ourselves and our dreams. We deserve to have our desires, and it's possible to manifest and create our best lives so just drill in your head you have no choice but to let that happen. acknowledge and accept that you are worthy of your desires. You are deserving of love, happiness, abundance, success, and all the wonderful things that life has to offer. We don't have to settle for less than we deserve. We have the power to create our reality and attract what we truly desire, and the universe showed it to you for a reason.

[januaryisnotanartist]

Drunk on you

KanSang Week 2022 Day 01: Making out drunk warnings: dubious consent due to at least one member of the make out being drunk Word count: 1,277

-

Liu Sang knows he's drunk too much about the time things start to wobble in his peripheral vision. He wouldn't normally be this drunk, or in a club drinking at all, but his now former employer had insisted on treating 'the team' to a night out to celebrate their success.

He should have faked drinking, but the others had been so instant that it had been hard to refuse without offending. He wasn't opposed to offending people, but he'd already inched far too close to the line of overly offending people, which lead to get black listed.

Liu Sang was drunk.

He would need to start the 'getting the hell out of here' process now, so that he could finally actually leave in the next half hour.

It was a science.

Was it a science?

Liu Sang was, perhaps, slightly more 'too drunk' than he realised. He was in danger of doing something stupid and he knew it. Thankfully the blaring music of the club was pressing down on him uncomfortably so his primary desire was to leave, and not something that would get him into trouble.

Maybe he could disconnect some of the music speakers though?

No, that wa-

A laugh somehow bubbled up over the cacophony of the club. Liu Sang scrabbled for the headphones in his ears, pulling them out so he could chase the sound. It was like being hit by a physical force, the sudden wall of noise unfiltered in his ears.

But the laugh was still there, bubbling in a way that made Liu Sang want to seek out its source.

The source nearly made him drop his empty beer bottle.

Across the club, haloed just so in the lights, the glint of an earring, a face lit up with delight and the most glorious pair of bare arms Liu Sang had ever seen.

He needed to be in those arms.

Right now.

Liu Sang had just enough presence of mind to put his empty beer bottle on the cluttered table, but not enough to make sure it was standing. Thankfully one of his now former co-workers managed to catch it before it could roll off and smash on the ground.

As Liu Sang wove his way across the club, trying to avoid the mess of noisy bodies, he tried to figure out the best way to get those arms around him. Unfortunately he was no longer in possession of common sense or a sharp strategic mind.

The man with the glorious arms had stopped laughing before Liu Sang reached him, which was an absolute travesty. He wasn't talking to anyone, standing alone by his own table, attention focused on sorting through the many bottles. His arms flexed as he shifted the bottles around, lifting them up and putting them down. Liu Sang whimpered at the thought of them.

The man with the glorious arms looked up at Liu Sang suddenly, and smiled. It was a very nice smile, made by a very kissable mouth. Liu Sang knew what he had to do.

If he wanted that body on him, he'd have to start a fight.

He reached out to shove the man with the glorious arms, but his hand refused to apply any actual force, simply sitting on the man's bare shoulder. The skin under his hand was warm. Soft but firm. Supple.

Attack failed, Liu Sang tried with his other hand, but it became ensnared in the man's vest. The man was looking at him with a mixture of mirth and confusion, so Liu Sang did the courteous thing and explained what was happening.

“I am going to punch you,” he said clearly, “in the mouth,” because that would definitely start a fight and end with the man's body on his own. He could not, however, actually punch him, Liu Sang realised, since both his hand were occupied. He'd have to deliver the blow another way. “... with my mouth.”

The man with the glorious arms laughed, “Kissing? Okay, we can do that.”

'Kissing,' Liu Sang decided, 'is a much better idea.' So he nodded and leaned in. The man's mouth was warm and moist, but not slobbery and wet, which was good. The slick friction of tongue and lips was nice, every slide of skin felt like sunshine seeping into him.

Best of all, the man's glorious arms were now around Liu Sang, which was ideal.

Everything else became irrelevant, even the pressing cacophony of the club jumbled together into an obnoxious but easily disregarded white noise. There was only the ongoing kiss and the strong arms and delightful chest and the man whom they all belonged to and the couch they were cuddled up on.

Had they started on a couch?

Irrelevant, Liu Sang decided, and continued kissing. Time became irrelevant as well, but for a moment his higher brain functions attempted to resurface when the noise changed.

“What's Jinx doing here? He didn't say he was coming, he's been ignoring my texts for a week. Oi, Jinx!”

“Leave them alone Pangzi.”

“Can't, it's time to leave. Jinx, Kan Jian!”

Higher brain function ultimately failed, in favour of the man's (Kan Jian's) mouth and arms and everything. There were other hands suddenly, which gave up trying to pull them apart after Liu Sang smacked them away, but didn't give up trying to pull them both somewhere.

The car wasn't accommodating, so Liu Sang tucked himself more securely against Kan Jian's body as they continued to kiss. The snickering around them, comparatively louder now the press of club noise was gone, fell neatly into 'also irrelevant.'

They were moved again, which was beginning to get annoying, but then they were lying down, and-

Liu Sang woke with a throbbing headache. His jaw felt slightly sore, though he wasn't sure if it was related to the headache. He groaned and pressed his face into the warm body beside him, determined to ignore reality until the pain went away.

“Hey,” Kan Jian's voice was loud in Liu Sang's ear, though the word itself had been whispered. Liu Sang grumbled in response. Kan Jian laughed, trying to be quiet and Liu Sang frowned.

Not with pain, or rather not because of the pain, but because something was... not right. Slowly he raised himself up to look at Kan Jian's handsome face. His boyfriend really was too good looking. Liu Sang wanted to keep looking, but his body was making other pains known. His clothing had twisted while they'd slept, and it was threatening to cut of blood flow in places.

Liu Sang rolled off Kan Jian, wiggling delicately to straighten his clothing without jostling his head. When he was done he lay exhausted staring up at their ceiling.

Their ceiling.

Their...

'Ah,' Liu Sang realised, he wasn't supposed to be there, he was supposed to be at a hotel until 9 am.

He sat up enough to look at the clock.

10:30

“Fuck,” he said and flopped back down, wincing.

“Laoban already sent someone to get your stuff,” Kan Jian said, leaving the bed. Liu Sang whined and reached to stop him, but Kan Jian hadn't been going far. Just far enough to get a packet of painkillers and a bottle of water from the bedside table. “Here.”

Kan Jian helped him sit up enough to take the medication then eased him back down. Once the tablet packet and water bottle were back on the bedside table, Kan Jian wriggled out of his clothes until he was only in his underwear. Liu Sang did the same, letting Kan Jian snuggle him in their now comfier attire while they drifted off again.

[squadrah]

From My CuriousCat

"Araki usually designs Stands first and the powers then think of who would be suitable to use them and based on that, what makes you think a grunting crawling Stand with many eyes that makes people old suit Prosciutto?"

Not gonna lie, what draw me in so much about Prosciutto was absolutely his Stand design. There are some really abject Stands in JJBA, and I did once compare Prosciutto to Carne in this regard (on my Twitter, here's the whole thread for those who are curious), since both of them have obviously broken and mutilated Stands - except Carne's personality matches his Stand, and Prosciutto's personality does not match The Grateful Dead in the same way. This is why I headcanon Prosciutto as a child abuse victim: I feel like something absolutely horrible had happened to him when he was young that completely disfigured him inside, but also disconnected him from said horror at the same time. Fandom is tempted to always make him suffer inside, to be hiding this absolute mess, but that is not how he comes across to me as a person. He is very sincere about everything he does: in his arc, we are forced to come to the conclusion that he had been genuine and honest the entire time, which means that his "soul" isn't abject because he is abject: it is disfigured and horrifying from the hurt Prosciutto had once endured. I take the idea of "soul + necessity = Stand" very seriously, it is always the foundation of my characterization especially where there is little material available otherwise, and with Prosciutto we have a person who at one point must have wished with all his soul that everyone around him shriveled up and died, most likely because of how much they had hurt him. This desire then would have still been very much burning and overpowering every other motive when he got his Stand.

I guess Prosciutto is somewhat similar to Fugo, because Purple Haze is basically Fugo's violence condensed into a Stand - but for Prosciutto, I will maintain that The Grateful Dead is the hurt he had suffered, reflected back in all its grotesqueness. Prosciutto is fundamentally a good person: he cared very deeply for Pesci and was rough on him for a good reason - they are in the mafia! They are isolated and they have to be tough to stay alive! Of course he got angry when Pesci nearly got himself killed after being moments away from victory! When push came to shove, Prosciutto literally forced himself to outlive Pesci so he could watch over him, even while in tremendous pain. For all the suffering he had endured, he is a very good person, and he's an effective killing machine, and his soul is abject and he's picture perfect on the outside and firm in his conduct, and this amazing contrast is what makes him a wonderful character to me. His Stand to me is what he once was, and his person is what he made himself become.

I hope I managed to answer your question! <3

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie and I'm afraid it's time. It was bound to happen at some point during the hiatus, but I feel like now that it's here we should rip the bandaid off and talk about all the reasons the sperm donor arc is some if the stupidest shit I've ever seen. So let's start with what really pissed me off this week which is KR's comments about this storyline. Can't remember the exact quote but something like "Buck needs to be happy with himself, figure out what he wants, it's important to

do that before being happy in a relationship, blah, blah, blah" to which I thought "Why indeed KR this is true which is exactly why WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN LAST YEAR WITH THE WHOLE TAYLOR RELATIONSHIP!!" This is exactly how that story was set up, constantly showing Buck's misery, his half-hearted ily, the chance to realize he needs more than just a person that doesn't leave to be happy. And absolutely nothing came of it. We spent a whole season with this BS only to have it end with no growth for Buck. And NOW you think it's time to address this 🙄🙄🙄??!! Also this leads into my second bitchy observation. Part of the appeal of having a break up growth arc was it was relatable. Maybe we haven't all experienced it but I'd argue most people can relate to the idea of leaving (or being left) a relationship that isn't bad but isn't what you want. Eddie's breakdown arc last season was relatable, not because we all know what PTSD like but we can all appreciate the idea of bottling up hurt and pain because we don't want to face it or keep a brave face for those we love. What exactly am I supposed to be connecting to with this donor BS?? We all don't have an innate desire to have kids, or do a big favor for a sorta friend we once knew. I have a complete emotional disconnect from this storyline and don't see that changing. So next let's talk about how fucking illogical every part of this story is (on a side note I laughed at the fans out-googling the 911 writers on so many things, reminds me of my science RNM  science sin compilations). Anyway, just why would anyone approach their friend they barely keep contact with to do this particular favor (maybe they explained but honestly I've blocked so many of those scenes from my long term memory)?? Why not a close friend (or relative even)? If you're going for emotional distance why not just an anonymous donor? The whole premise feels so contrived. Probably gotta leave it here for now since I'm getting sleepy. But i'm not close to being done (i'm not even done with this one point) so i hope ypu're ready for more of an inbox full later. Feel free to respond to what I do have because honestly bestie, this may take awhile.

My friend, as always your thoughts are perfectly on point! First, YES that growth was what SHOULD have come out of Buck having a relationship where he recognized he was clinging to something that wasn’t fulfilling for him and being the one to call it quits. But with the cheating added into the mix and then the Jonah mess, Buck didn’t end the relationship on “his” terms, he was pushed by her actions and needing to protect his friends. And ya know what? It might have worked if they had it end in 5a, and then spent 5b with Buck figuring out how to be happy with himself and what he wants. Also, what TF was 5x18 if not TWO instances of it being stated what Buck wants?! First with the Maddie “isn’t that what love is?” conversation and then the firefam “someone to have your back” conversation. 

ANYWAY, fine, Buck still needs to learn what the key to happiness is, but please tell me why after how much we had to suffer through that BT mess, we are having yet another season of Buck clinging to something that isn’t right for him and won’t make him happy, just because he thinks doing something to make someone else happy is important even if it hurts him. If the WHOLE point of the BT mess was showing Buck being a “settler” and a “clinger” then why are we right back in the same place with him settling for being a donor not a dad, and clinging on to this couple like he’s going to be ‘fun uncle Buck”? You KNOW that couple isn’t going to want a constant reminder of how they “failed” to make a baby “on their own”, or risk their kid (or Buck) getting too attached. Not to mention how awkward it would be for them to explain their sperm donor just being around all the time. Also what was the point of Hen asking if he could have a child out there and walk away, if he can JUST be a donor and nothing more, if the storyline is showing him constantly acting like he’s going to be fulling involved in this kids life? How is ANY of this helping Buck figure out how to be happy with himself when he’s still putting himself and his needs behind other people’s who are using him for parts? What happened to him figuring out the right “couch” and how to be “at ease” and Lev’s death being something that hit him super hard and made him start thinking about his life? Because all of that got abandoned in favor of this soap opera level pointless “drama”. Thanks, I hate it.

As far as connecting to the storyline, I don’t even think it’s just about some people not wanting kids and therefore not being able to connect, it’s about the way this story is being told. Because you’re right, even people without war-related PTSD could relate or at least emotionally connect to Eddie’s arc. But with Buck, we aren’t given enough/consistent info about his thoughts and feelings to connect with! He seems unsure when he talks to Hen and that “donor not dad” line really seemed to throw him for a loop. So the audience was prepared to see him struggle with this decision a bit, maybe saying “let me think about it” and then an episode or 2 later (after some interactions with a call and/or Eddie/Chris, or Maddie (and maybe Jee) make him re-evaluate things), he tells them no, because he’s realized he can’t just donate and walk away. (Even weighty arcs like the lawsuit and Eddie’s fighting arc only lasted a couple episodes so this would be easy to wrap up within the confines of 6a) Instead he says “yes” immediately without talking to Eddie, Maddie, or Bobby or taking into real account what Hen said. Okay, fine, so he’s said yes, now it’s time for the family history to come into play or a talk with Eddie or Maddie or Bobby right?! Wrong! It’s time to forget about it for a month! Then, when it finally comes back, it’s got two conflicting things happening at once. Thing one: It’s all a big joke! Buck is telling Hen about his masturbation habits (which as everyone has pointed out is actually NOT what you should do which Buck would know if he was doing all that research on what to eat and everything, but that would require the WRITERS to do that research and OPP! Either they didn’t bother, or decided this was “funnier” than the facts 🙄). Buck is getting cock-blocked by the sperm bank! Buck’s firefam is eavesdropping on the reveal when Buck get’s accosted at work and they get caught staring! How funny is that?! (🙄🙄🙄 NOT actually funny but of course it’s never addressed) But then we have thing two. Which is the fact that despite the writing playing this off as a joke, they’re also making sure Buck isn’t telling anyone besides Hen, and makes it clear he doesn’t want her to tell anyone else. Why not? Why would Buck keep this a secret from his sister that he always goes to for a listening ear? From his best friend who isn’t afraid to give him tough talks when he needs them? From his father figure whose advice he respects? The answer if this was in an earlier season with better writing would be that he knows he’s not making the right choice and isn’t ready to confront the truth. But we don’t get any indication of that either! Just Buck desperate to do his donation, apologetic to the couple when he can’t get it done and doubling down on his commitment and excitement to do this for them, and a continued joy in the whole thing, with no indication that anyone is gearing up for a big talk with him. So why was Buck sooo desperate to not let anyone know? The audience is being given two different messages at the same time! Buck is super excited about doing this in his words, and Buck is also super concerned about the people closest to him finding out that he’s doing this in his actions. But since we don’t see him expressing that worry, and we don’t see the team expressing any worry behind his back about it, the audience doesn’t know how they are supposed to be emotionally connecting to this story. I know you’ve got another ask planed on how we’re past the point of being able to satisfyingly wrap up this arc now that a baby has been made so I’ll save some rant for that, but just focused on what we have seen, the arc doesn’t make any sense on what Buck is truly feeling and therefore what the audience should be connecting to within the storyline. 

As for why they asked Buck, his buddy said it was because Buck was a good, kind, selfless person and you can’t tell that from a genetics facts sheet at the sperm bank. Which is....a) grossly manipulative, especially for someone like Buck which dude HAD to know, and b) isn’t even a tiny bit factually true! Yes kids have their own personalities and what they like and enjoy may not always line up with what their parents do, but your child being a good and kind person is sorta down to you teaching them to be good and kind. It isn’t going to just *happen* because of “genetics”. My guess is they approached him because he IS good and kind and they figured he would say yes, with the added bonus of him being a physically healthy person with on the surface level, probably “good” genetics.

Anyway, I tried to give this storyline a chance, just like I did with the impending BT breakup, but just like last season, it’s reached a point where pretty much whatever they do is going to result in Buck being the “victim” again and being the one to be “left behind” instead of being able to make the choice himself to leave a situation that isn’t good for him, meaning again, no real growth, and more of Buck being stuck having scenes and arcs entirely outside the firefam/his job. And as we saw with 4x14 and 99.9% of s5 and the BT relationship, KR doesn’t like anyone in the firefam being involved in Buck’s personal arcs. (Probably because if they WERE, he might actually learn something and be able to grow a little and we just can’t have that.)

[positivlyfocused]

A Practical Guide To Becoming A Real-Life Shapeshifter

Most people don’t believe shapeshifting is possible. For such people, shapeshifting is impossible. Others want to believe shapeshifting is possible. Or they believe it is possible, but they don’t believe they can do it.

Our reality reflects back to us what we believe is possible. So becoming a shapeshifter requires introducing that idea into our reality. Reality springs from beliefs. So introducing the idea begins first with introducing it in ourselves as a belief. We must believe it’s possible, in other words. That’s one thing. Believing we can do it? That’s another.

Anything we believe possible becomes so. Shapeshifting is no different. But becoming a shapeshifter isn’t easy. That’s mostly because such a feat depends on strong belief. It also requires unraveling many other beliefs. Beliefs seemingly tangential to the subject, but very much connected to it.

Becoming a shapeshifter then is possible. But for most, it’s not. Not because it’s impossible. But because people can’t get beyond beliefs making it appear impossible. For those willing to change their beliefs though…

What it takes

So first, we must cultivate belief. Belief it’s possible. Then we must believe we can do it. From there, we must unpack related beliefs. One of many such beliefs is the belief in death.

Most people fear death. Even some who claim they don’t, do. Take awakening experiences as an example. Such experiences scare the shit out of most people. Me included at one time. Awakening experiences feel exactly like death. That’s because our consciousness expands in such experiences. The same thing happens at death. Consciousness expands beyond ordinary awareness.

Brains can’t process such expansionary experiences. And since they are pre-wired for keeping us in this reality, they freak out when confronted with alternate ones. That “freak out” is what I mean by “fear of death”. 

In other words, if we freak out in the face of an alternate reality, we automatically snap back into this one. That won’t work when shapeshifting. Because the very act requires expansion. Including a very real, physical expansion. As well as an expansion into a bigger picture of All That Is. 

Successfully shapeshifting also depends on our identity. We must disentangle our identity with camouflage reality. Camouflage reality is the physical-ness of our surroundings, including our body. As humans, we mesmerize ourselves. We convince ourselves physical reality is “real”. We do the same with our bodies. Our bodies are us, we tell ourselves.

That’s a problem. Because if we believe that, shapeshifting feels like death. It feels so much like that, such an act becomes impossible. If our body were to begin “shifting” that experience would be too frightening to an identity strongly tied to what we currently look like. So we must disconnect our identity from our body. So that our body can reorganize itself along our intent.

It takes a while

Shapeshifting therefore, isn’t about learning to do it. It’s about undoing beliefs making it undoable. Very strong momentum and collective belief perpetuates our deepest fears. Same goes for our strongest beliefs. Some such beliefs are so strong, we don’t realize we have them. Shapeshifting requires discovering these, then unpacking them. That process happens gradually. One by one, we soothe them. Until they no longer impede our intent.

This takes a while. A shortcut doesn’t exist. Along the way though, we come into fantastic realizations and abilities. The Charmed Life becomes our life. More of what we desire becomes ours. So the path is one of riches.

Shapeshifting is possible. It must not be seen as a destination or goal, however. Instead, it’s just another step along the way. The way towards realizing more of what we really are. That path is unending. So shapeshifting is a great indicator of progress. We must have accomplished quite a lot to manifest such an outcome.

Such an outcome is well within our grasp, however. I feel myself getting there. I feel my body wanting to show me. The more I do what I’ve outlined, the more in tune I become.

Because of that, I’m eager. But I’m also patient. Because I see evidence of the unfolding.

I’ll share more as I progress.

[my-strange-attraction]

I think the reason I’ve been so inactive on this blog recently, aside from being back at college and busy, has to do with the slow move away from aspec labels I’ve been doing over the years and how it feels much more like a betrayal now that I’ve finally put it out there and changed the labels on my bios and all that. I preach a lot about fluidity within labels and fluidity of labels, but when it comes to applying it to my own life I’ve had trouble. 

From the moment I identified as ace (pretty much a full four years ago at this point) and then aro (two and a half years ago) I’ve felt constricted. I’ve struggled, if you look back on this blog, several times with feeling like I need to let go of the idea that I will ever find romance or have a partner in that way, and though I think it’s healthy for everyone to consider that they might not find a life partner ever, I think viewing it as an objective truth really troubled me because, well, I do want it. 

I’m a romantic at heart, and for the longest time, even though I know all the aspec terminology for romance/sex favorability and I’m very well aware of how diverse the community is and I’ve actively helped to spread that information, I always had this idea in my head anyways that ace/aro people can’t want sex/romance even if they do enjoy it while it is happening. 

Obviously that’s not true and a label can’t stop you from wanting whatever you want or feeling however you feel, and I think many people who have the exact same feelings I do still enjoy the aroace label, but I needed a change. Not just for how I see myself, but for how others see me as well. I struggled against the ace label initially all those years ago because, even having never had a crush before in my life, I was still worried that if I labelled myself that way I would be telling others I’m not available, and cutting off my chances of ever dating at all.

I don’t think the label has actually done that. In fact, it saved me from a really awkward situation with someone I was friends with for a short time last year who ended up being really toxic for me, so it has helped me avoid bad situations that I might have fallen into due to my desire for a relationship. But I had to say goodbye to it, which was what my last post (that wasn’t a reblog or an answer to an ask) was about. 

God I’m rambling so much. Back to the original point of this post: I haven’t been posting so much on this blog, because leaving behind my aspec labels made me feel guilty. I started this blog and built up the community around being aspec. And I may have abandoned all the previous branding that connected it to being an aspec blog at this point, but it’s still the community. It’s still what I’m known for. And I don’t want to abandon my aspec content, but I also want to post about my other queer experiences that don’t have to do with being aspec specifically. And honestly posting about aspec things is still a bit uncomfy for me right now, just because I left behind the labels for a reason and I feel like posting about them associates me with them.

This is not to say I’ll never post about being aspec again or that I’ll only post about being generally queer. I don’t know honestly what this is saying, but I like to be very open and honest about my experiences relating to me being queer on this blog, and this is the explanation I felt the most need to make. 

Tl;dr I am queer now, not aspec. This does not mean I don’t still have aspec exeriences, but I’m feeling disconnected from them currently and felt the need to change my label. I will probably be posting less about being aspec rather than just generally queer from now on, but rest assured, I always will answer any advice asks like please still ask me about aspec things I am a fountain of information and advice! You can still think of me as an aspec blog, I just felt the need to post this explanation as a sort of announcement about why my blog might seem different going forward.

Sorry even my tl;dr was long. If you have a problem with it, you must be new here, hi I’m cloudy and my original post tag is cloudy rambles and that’s all you really need to know to understand my posting style. If you made it all the way here, thanks for sticking with me! If you didn’t, I understand, haha. I will try to post more from here on out now that I’ve explained myself, because I really do want to come back to this blog and this wonderful community. Some queer confusion/ struggles just have to be dealt with less publicly than others, I guess. Or just less in real time. But I’m back now, I hope!

[kradogsrats]

me, thinking about the “Lissa, Katolis Single Mom” AU: so in having traumatically lost Viren to his own magic, Lissa is understandably terrified for Claudia because of her aptitude and fascination with it—but she can’t just offload Claudia onto Kpp’Ar and wash her hands of her, she has to face that fear, which means what needs to happen is…

me: … wait, hang on a sec

me, completely derailing: Is that part of why Viren initially starts disconnecting emotionally from Soren? When it became clear that Soren would not be dissuaded from a martial career, does Viren find himself staring at the future possibility of having to put his son in the “acceptable losses” category? Soren seems to have been funneled into the Crownguard, which is prestigious—but also keeps him close to home and comparatively safe relative to other prestigious units like the Standing Battalion. Is that less about prestige and more about how many lives Viren knows have to be thrown against Xadia?

I mean, it’s a really shitty, maladaptive coping mechanism for that kind of fear, but “shitty, maladaptive coping mechanism” might as well be Viren’s middle name at this point, and it makes a certain degree of sense with the later shape of his worldview—Soren is essentially written off as the child who will sooner or later be sacrificed for Katolis. It’s still the same ugly golden-child/scapegoat dynamic, made both conscious and palatable by the combination of desire to avoid future pain and Viren’s personal skewed idea of nobility.

me: … shit I was supposed to be asleep like an hour ago

[gillianthecat]

He's so beautiful 🥰 And stays beautiful throughout, but don't watch it if you're just looking for pretty boys because a lot of other stuff happens too.

I just finished Alice in Borderland's season 2...

and I have a lot of thoughts, and some (though not as many) feelings about the series.

I think overall they kind of average out to meh? It didn't quite work for me the way that I wanted it to, or thought it should, although I'm not sure if that's because of the series or because of me.

I should be sleeping instead of writing, so I'm going to dump it all out onto the page without regard for order or coherence:

It was surprisingly coherent and logical in the details, which I find these sort of clever shows with central mysteries often fail at. It's very explicitly using the structure of video games. I can recognize it, just from being on the internet I guess, but I've basically never played video games other than the occasional five or ten minutes with my brothers when i was a kid. I don't know if I would have connected more with the show if I was more of a gamer; one of the stories it's telling is "what if you had to live in a video game," which isn't all that immediately interesting to me, although I can see how it's intellectually interesting.

That was kind of my overall response to AiB - at so many moments I could intellectually see what they're were maybe going for, but I rarely felt an emotional connection to any of it. Perhaps it was just my state of mind this week, and not the show's fault. It could also be the tremendous amount of violence and death in the show; I think my reaction to that is to disconnect, dis-invest in the characters because they could be gone at any time. Which, on the one hand is closely related to the themes of AiB, how do you value a life and all of that. On the other hand, since this is a piece of fiction, and not actual lives, it just kind of leaves me disconnected from the story. I kept pausing it and doing other things (even though I was also desperately procrastinating from real life) and in between mostly forgetting about the characters.

In the end it was intellectual curiosity that kept me coming back, both in the world of the story - what was this place they all were? - and also about what exactly the show was trying to say. Because it pretty clearly was trying to say something, not just sweep the audience along on an adventure story. The explicit questions, most clearly stated in Chishiya's arc but also I think present in everyone else's, are "what is the value of a life," or perhaps "what are you willing to do for other's lives?" But honestly those questions seemed kind of boring to me, which is perhaps another reason the show was falling flat. Perhaps if I was Japanese it would make more sense to me, the profundity of it lost in translation, linguistic and cultural. Or perhaps the show just isn't as deep as it wants to be/thinks it is. I dunno, somehow the extreme violence and the basic arbitrariness of everyone's deaths rendered the question as silly. It was trying to be about how people, specifically our various protagonists, take responsibility for the lives of other, balance their desire for survival against the rest of the world. But someone it never felt to me like the show or the characters grappled with the terrifying horror of the violence they endured and witnessed. And I get it, it's so extreme it can't really be processed in the format of the show, which is also at it's heart an adventure story and a coming of age story. But if the show is going to go there, killing off literally hundreds and possibly thousands of people on screen, it really needs to deal with if its going to deal with it.

And the characters did react - Arisu prostate on the floor despondent and blaming himself, obviously traumatized. So I'm trying to figure out why that wasn't enough for me, why it felt shallow. My first idea that it's a cultural disconnect, but I don't think that's it. I think it's because the story is so tightly focused on the protagonists, their losses and griefs and guilts and the life lessons they learn from it all, that it turns the lives and deaths of those thousands of unnamed characters into mere fodder for the protagonists' journeys. Which seems a very video game thing to do, and the opposite of the direction I thought they were trying for. But I'm still not entirely sure what they were trying for, despite the many explicitly stated life lessons in the piece. (Perhaps the many layers of the ending complicates these ideas; I'll get to that in a bit.)

Speaking of Arisu. I liked him, I really did. The actor has a beautiful face, sometimes I just stared at him instead of paying attention to the plot. And I empathize with him as a fellow underachiever. But somehow he didn't work for me as a protagonist. He somehow felt bland. And I don't think it was the actor's fault, he seemed to be doing a good job, and I'm guessing if I saw just a clip of any one scene I would think he worked. It just... maybe the story they were trying to tell simply wasn't the one I wanted to watch. It felt like he was supposed to be an every-man, young and lost and living only through video games, there for all the gamers (gaming men) in the audience to identify with. Much like how I imagine the main character in a video game to be, kind of generic, ready for the player to enter and see the world through it's eyes. But drama series are not video games, and they need a protagonist with more... oh I don't even know what was lacking. Maybe it's not a lack in the character itself, but in the way he was elevated by the narrative for no seeming reason, living out the fantasy of being the special one after all. And the script did explicitly acknowledge this, and I think in many ways it was intentional, but yet somehow that didn't work for me. idk. If there is anyone out there who has a) managed to make it this far into my ramblings, b) seen AiB, and c) has thoughts about Arisu as protagonist, I would love to hear them, because at this point I'm just talking myself in circles.

(And I noticed to that Arisu and bad guy Niragi were counterpoints, opposite paths for the same sort of basement dwelling underachiever, but I don't have many thoughts on it right now. Or maybe Samura, the guy with all the tattoos, was more obviously the counterpoint, but he died and was less narratively significant in Arisu's story.)

I also would have preferred Arisu and Usagi had a firmly platonic relationship instead of heading toward romance. I mean, it seemed inevitable it would head that way as soon as I knew there was a female lead, so I wasn't exactly upset by it, just resigned. And it's not that the actors couldn't do romance, I was quite taken with their chemistry in that final scene at the hospital vending machine. That was actually a romance story I would watch, whatever it turned out to be (again, thoughts on the ending(s) to come).

But it felt so... I don't know, generic somehow. I didn't really get why they each, specifically, were drawn to the other person, specifically, other than that they were the main characters so they had to fall in love. It just would have felt more interesting to me if it was all done out of a deep friendship. Even Usagi's sacrifices and pleas in the final game with the Queen of Hearts would have worked if they were friends instead of falling in love, I think for me the scene would have felt even stronger, their bond and love for each other somehow more intentional rather than just following the predetermined path of a video game, in which the guy gets the girl.

I have many thoughts on

all the secondary protagonists, most of whom I found more interesting than the two leads

the various games themselves (I was impressed at their internal logic)

the final bosses - a serial killer jack of spades and then a literal tea party with Mira queen of hearts. i don't actually know my thoughts on this yet, but i know i have them. And I thought Mira's actor was excellent.

the attempted rapes and other moments of sexual assault (which I don't think were necessarily supposed to read as sexual assault. But I'm still trying to understand Japanese media's attitudes toward and depiction of sex.) I survived watching them by wondering if Usagi's and Niragi's actors were friends, and hoping they were comfortable with each other, because all that licking looked quite awkward.

(that's generally how I survived the most uncomfortable scenes, rape and gore and anything I didn't want to immerse myself in: I thought about the behind the scenes process of filming it)

the cinematography and CGI (was was often quite beautiful)

All the secondary women I loved: An, Kuina, teenage archer Heiya, the two dealers from the game at the Beach, Momoko and her friend, gone but not forgotten, desperate Shibuki, more complex than expected. There were a lot of fascinating women in this show, and I think the story did interesting things with them. But, also their stories were secondary to Arisu's... I don't actually know what my thoughts on that are yet, separate from my generally issues with his protagonist-ness.

Usagi herself. Who started off so intriguing and then got flattened into "the love interest." Maybe that's why the romance bothered me.

Arisu's friends, and their role as sacrifices, both explicitly acknowledged by the script, but also... still somehow not turned into real characters for me, despite them have personalities and backstories.

But also, Machida Kieta! I did not at all recognize him at first. I remembered vaguely some BL actor was in the show but not who, and did a double take when I read that it was him. Also ironic that his opening moment is literally an extensive kiss with women, when there were zero kisses in [redacted to avoid spoilers for those who haven't seen it]. But he was good as completely different character than [redacted].

The mysteries of it all! Just who/what is behind these torture/murders sprees disguised as "games"? And why? There were various theories offered in the show, were any of them real? And could any answer actually be satisfying? They eternal question for shows like this (I remember Lost stumbling so badly I never even finished the last season.) I don't even have theories myself, and I expect I would be disappointed by any particulars. But I also really want to know.

I did wish the characters were more curious/determined to find out what was going on. Which... they were, or at least some of them were (that's probably why An was my favorite. As well as that 8mm film they found.) And that was supposedly Arisu's driving force through it all - to get answers and get home. So I don't know why it didn't feel like enough for me.

oh I almost forgot! the Alice in Wonderland metaphor going on. It works, although I'm not entirely sure what it adds to the story. But I've never actually read the book, and most of my encounters with the story are actually videos of The Royal Ballet rehearsing parts of Christopher Wheeldon's ballet version. Which I haven't even seen in entirety. All of which is to say, I caught I few basics, with the help of MDL (Arisu=Alice, Usagi is apparently the Rabbit, the Hatter, Chishiya=Chesire Cat, the playing cards, the croquet game and tea with the Queen of Hearts). And I think this question of justice and fairness in an absurd world is also a theme in Alice in Wonderland. But if there are other parallels, or any of the other characters have specific counterparts, I missed it all.

And then the ending. I actually deliberately partially spoiled myself for it, which generally I work hard to avoid. But I was struggling in the last few episodes, and I wanted to know if there would be any answers if I kept watching, or if I would just leave frustrated. So I knew about the Joker card, though not the context. And I have to say I was more glad to see it than not, even though I don't want to wait for another season that never appears.

Because I was frustrated by the "it was all a near-death dream explanation." of them back in the real world. One that even they didn't remember, despite all the hard won lessons the characters learned. It's rarely an ending I find satisfying, and it raises so many questions: whose dream was it? Just Arisu's or everyone's? And, as an audience member, I feel like it cheapens all the deaths I had to witness to get there. Yes, I know they were fictional, but, I don't know, it somehow removes all the weight from the story, and then I wonder why I suffered through all that pain if it meant nothing. So as much as I want the characters to get back into the real world I was revealed to see that Joker card emerge on the table, implying they were in one last more stage of the game, controlled by who the hell knows who.

Although all the (conscious) characters seemed happy enough at the hospital back in their real world of the hospital, it didn't feel real to me without their memories of what they had endured, how they had changed from it. Because they had all worked hard to earn those changes, paying the price in literal blood.

That said, in general I'm not a fan of reality slipping media, that keeps the audience guessing on what's the real world and what's the hallucination/simulation/whatever. Alice in Borderland handled it about as well as I think it could. But often reality slipping just pulls me out of the story entirely. Because none of it is real, it's all created in film studies and on locations, and in the graphics computer. So if the show is asking me to determine which of the fictional realities is the "real" fictional reality, I often just through in the towel and go it's all fake. Alice in Borderland didn't do too much of this, so I was able to stay at least somewhat grounded in the worlds they were creating, although this was probably another contributor to that feeling of disconnect I was talking about at the beginning of these musings.

Ok. I have written almost 2500 words and I could probably write thousands more. But I really do need to sleep, and if I save this as a draft it will just hang over me. So here it is, in all its rambling unedited glory. If you made it this far, feel free to ask me questions. I do have vague intentions about writing more, but there's a good chance it won't happen without prompting.

[alittlebirb]

How to Be Romantic

Be thoughtful. ...

Express yourself. ...

Give gifts. ...

Know your partner's love language. ...

Listen attentively. ...

Make time for your partner. ...

Show physical affection. ...

BIRB HELP I GOOGLED WHAT ROMANCE IS AND IM EVEN MORE CONFUSED. tryna figure out if im aromantic or not AND THIS CLEARLY DOES NOT HELP. So can you explain what aromantic really means cause i know its not having romantic attraction, but like. what is romance?? google isnt very helpful right now

-A very confused mystery anon that is desperate for explanation and also confused as hecc

SGHDEGHCFH MYSTERY MY BELOVED YOU ARE SO DEAR

Ikr romance is sooooo confusing!! The way people talk about it, the fantasy and the soulmate and the butterflies etc etc etc have never made sense to me. I feel like it really obscures the true nature of this feeling and muddles the understanding of our emotions.

I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'll do my best! I think a lot of my early aromanticism really was this sense of questioning: what even is romance? What makes it different from friendship? I've always felt a bit of disconnect from the concept, and whenever I did associate it with me, I would literally push it to future as something that I would confront when I was "mature" enough. Turns out, most people don't experience romance as the ultimate marker of maturity! They get crushes as kids, they feel puppy love, they entangle themselves into all kinds of drama because of a wayward heart (allegedly)! For lots of people, the emotion of romance isn't an option they can choose or unchoose, it just happens to them. If that's not something you relate to, you might be aromantic.

It's all very very confusing though, and you don't need to have a straight (hah) answer...ever! Tbh, sometimes I still struggle with the idea of romance, although nowadays I realize a lot of it stems from my fear of isolation and the shapeless desire to be treated as an important fixture of someone's life. And that's not inherently romantic. Relationships are so beautiful and complex, and every one you form will be entirely unique. So if you can't pin yourself down, don't fret! Just do what feels best and most fulfilling to you, communicate and connect with people as you wish, and explore the many ways joy can be shared! You've got so much life and potential, and in the grand beauty of your existence, this confusion may eventually become a drop in the pond.

Here are some thoughts you could consider that might clarify some of your emotions though:

Have you ever had a crush? This might seem like a simple question, but oftentimes aros/aspecs confuse the desire for close relationships/the amatanormative pressure to HAVE crushes with crushes themselves.

Imagine being in a romantic relationship with someone. How would you feel if other people looked at you two and interpreted you as dating? How would you feel if your partner themselves saw your relationship as a romantic couple?

Do you like or relate to romances in media, particularly with well-written romances? Even when a romance has lots of enjoyable chemistry and the partnership makes sense, I still feel a sense of disconnect from the story when romance occurs. The experiences these plotlines represent are not ones I relate to.

Lastly, and this one might be very very me-specific, but how do you feel about dating sims? Personally, I really enjoy dating sims, but I get very annoyed when the protagonists start getting romantic, even though it's literally what I signed up for! It's the aromantic in me shining through lol. I just want everyone to be friends.

I hope I was able to assist, even in some small way in your journey beloved Mystery! Know that I'm always willing to talk, even if my capacity to help may be limited (⌒_⌒;). Have a lovely night, and rest well!!! (≧◡≦) ♡