#semiverbal autistic

[boyswillbedogz]

wolf themed communication cards i made for myself :)

[spooksforsammy]

Somedays I worry I push the idea that aac is this absolutely amazing thing to use and have, and everyone will benefit from it and it’s super easy. And I pray that’s the not idea pass around, because it’s not true.

Aac can be fun yes, but the harassment, exclusion and struggle from starting and continuing to use aac is hard to deal with. People don’t take you serious, they want verbal communication even if you can’t and they won’t talk to someone that uses a device for a voice.

From personal experience, aac is amazing to have, but it’s hard to start, continue use and understand. And truthfully aac can be just as impaired to use as my verbal speech. I feel like I tell everyone the good and purposely exclude the bad, and I don’t want to anymore. Because it’s wrong to me and so many others.

Aac is hard to use. Some just can’t for whatever reason. Sometimes they don’t have any function language, they don’t understand others exist and can be talked to, they have little interest etc. speech & language impairment go past only verbal speech, they often include of others understand them, they understand others and how they communicate with the world.

Aac takes time. And I mean a lot. It need constant improvement, customization and editing. It can take years to get personalized, and even then, sometimes words are being added in daily or monthly.

It’s frustrating. Thought can’t get out quick enough, conversations change before get words out. Sometimes have thoughts but no idea where words are located (symbol based) or not sure how phrase thoughts. Yes it can help prevent meltdowns, but it can also be the cause of them.

I’ve been off and on aac for a few years (mainly due to not have actual device for it) and sadly aac may never actually work for me. Sometimes it does, other times it’s just as or more frustrating than verbal communication. Sometimes the good outweighs the bad.

But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it just never works. It’s sometime shown as the one that works when nothing else does, but sometimes aac also don’t work. That’s the sad truth behind aac.

(One experience from one aac use. Also part time not use since childhood experience. It’s different for everyone!! If this related with you, great. If it doesn’t that’s good to.)

[pumpkinspicedmochi]

Jus because someone struggles with speaking or typing doesn't mean they aren't worth listening to..

Something I noticed is that a lot of places on the internet is not for disabled people, like on Reddit some communities on there want your grammar and words to be completely correct and perfect otherwise they delete your post , which has happen to me before including being insulted for it. I notice this more probably since I seem to be going through autism regression (?) but its like..they assume everyone they say that to is abled bodied anddd not disabled in anyway that effects their speaking and typing , it has legit made me no feel comfortable posting or talking on the internet because of the weird obsession with 'proper' , 'correct' English. Like I talk on Reddit but i'm super nervous that some gonna say something or not let me post because my English isn't perfect and have it called "badly written post" , "terrible grammar" , "not worth people seeing/reading" ..like ok..my bad that i'm semi verbal , disabled and it affects how I type and text ??..(specifically at the moment mean higher support needs autistic people but could go for others too , jus can't talk on experiences I don't have)

Another weird thing is people making fun of blurry or bad quality pictures..when your hands are shaky ..there is nothing I can really do about it..sorry my hands are shaky??

"this is a scam because the picture is so blurry"

well I was having tremors when I took the picture..disabled people exist ya know?

[nebby-aac-blog]

people more nice me when be good quiet autism when can talk and be in too much overwhelming places stay quiet be good behave like not autism people do. people not nice when they think I bad autism semiverbal use AAC and loud distracting. when stim melt down cry or when understimulated loud have a lot energy run around make noise do lots things to try make brain slow down calm down. is unfair because I still autistic all time and I still person all time not just when mask seem not autistic. and some autistic people only ever second one they should get respect too they people too

[ghxst-system]

uh just cus u experience verbal shutdown does NOT mean u r semiverbal

semiverbality is not:

being unable to speak when anxious , stressed , tired or overwhelmed (this is verbal shutdown)

or

being unable to use most words or phrases when anxious , stressed , tired or overwhelmed (this is also verbal shutdown)

semiverbality is:

stop misusing verbality labels

we will not engage with discourse on this topic as we do not have to spoons to do so

-Arson (a semiverbal alter) (it/xe) + Sorine gatekeeper (death/hate/flesh)

[systems-overloaded]

this is the trend afaik, about things in common with different alters (we have DID) that have different levels of speech and lanaguges comprehension.

(and then i have a question for nonverbal/semiverbal autistic people who might be reading this at the end, if they happen to see this? there is also a simplified question at the very end as well!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

parts with little to no speech:

- their thoughts are as vibes and emotions mainly

- they cannot visualize, they just exist, and experience life through sensations as they come and as they go. they dont really "create thoughts", they just are, they exist and experience.

- theyre the happiest, have no trauma memories, or understanding of the concepts of trauma

- they dont front frequently because they need to feel totally safe, but theyre very happy and calm.

- (my assumption is they mightve formed pre-language learning, but i have no idea for sure. communicating with them, can be a bit hard to understand. they are more than just fragments though, but its hard to explain, they do have opinions, desires, autonomy, but its different in a way? idk)

parts that struggle with speech:

- generally happier and "normal" parts

- less intelligence, less reading comprehension and vocabulary. (theres a big range, but some would probably be considered intellectually disabled if they were a singlet)

- most of their thoughts are simple words put together (like, "want soup. warm. please soup?" instead of "hmm i want some warm soup")

- they are much more grounded into the body, exist within the body

- they do experience distress when fronting in the body, specifically due to nervous system dysregulation and sensory overwhelms.

- they do not hold memories or emotions of the major or minor traumas that happened to us.

- they do not tend to have anxiety or racing thoughts.

- their brain is very quiet, no background chatter or multiple streams of consciousness.

- theyre typically unable to visualize in their brain.

- afaik, for the majority with prominent speech difficulties, they cannot sing. (there might be a couple who can sing without issues, like how some with a stutter can sing without, im unsure how many can sing though.)

- due to being grounded into the body and its signals, our physical capabilities are much less. cannot push through pain, cannot do things others can.

the parts that have better speech (but afaik still have some difficulty with the motor aspect, although its minimal, i think. i have blackout amnesia to these parts. but this is to the best of our knowledge, correct.):

- higher intelligence, very smart. (interested and /understand/ concepts like genetics, medical research journals, quantum physics (to a certain extent), and learning other lanaguges.)

- tend to be extremely anxious, scared, even "paranoid" (though its legitimate based off trauma memories)

- they can visualize in their mind, with extreme vivid details.

- their thoughts are fast, with alot of parts talking in the background all the time, as well as just multiple trains of thought, and memes/songs/etc playing in the background.

- they have more knowledge about the things that happened to us, even if they dont always have access to direct memories (some do, some dont)

- they are extremely dissociated from the body. they exist above the body, sometimes experienced literally.

- they have more phsyical capabilities, because they do not feel pain at all until it gets to extreme levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so my question for those who are nonverbal/semiverbal: id love feedback about what to call this? my speech issues are not simply verbal shutdowns or speech loss episodes induced by stress. id initially assumed that parts who were more traumatized would have less speech, but its actually the opposite for me. (personally i theorize that maybe the more traumatized parts are either way too disconnected from the body to be aware of how hard it is, how much difficulty speech takes. or they have more speech abilities, and maybe even intelligence, because they felt it was so important to be able to talk, and communicate one day about the things that were happening to us. so a bunch of energy was pushed towards speech abilities and brain abilities for those parts? im unsure, this is a guess. the other thing is they mightve been abused and forced to talk better, so they could appear "normal" and not be a stain in the churches reputation.)

a little of (non-trauma) history though:

i didnt say my first word until i was 5 years old, i had a significant speech delay. and id then gone through speech therapy and never actually finished, but the school wouldn't pay for more. i was an extremely quiet kid according to my mom. i would barely speak but i appeared happy and content she said. i did have desires to communicate, and would talk some, tell her about my day at school etc. but mostly i was pretty silent, in school especially. got in trouble for not doing "participation", of repeating things out loud, reading out loud, presentations. i just couldnt and i couldnt explain so id get in trouble.

but as a whole its fact that there are alters that can speak out full sentences and have a full conversation (like a drs appointment). i do not know if how much difficulty they have even matters, because they are still capable of it.

afaik, the majority cannot do that, they cannot have a full conversation like that. not without severe difficulty and/or pain, and then some cannot at all, cant even try.

what should i be calling this experience? would saying im semiverbal be okay? or no? because sometimes i seem to have alters than might be fully verbal? i know not to call myself (or my alters) nonverbal when talking to others (in personal journals i do classify different alters as semiverbal or nonverbal.) but with others, i say things like "i cant talk" or "im mute", or "talking is hard for me right now", etc.

no matter a label, im learning to use an AAC app and learning some ASL (though i struggle with moving hands/fingers right. like clumsy and slow, and some shapes impossible :c ). in the past, those who could push, do push. they push so much and hurt themsleves for other peoples conveniences, and its never acknowledged, and often those words arent even understood/heard/recieved. we have to repeat ourselves multiple times, and say it louder multiple times too. its so taxing, its exhausting (mentally and physically), and it basically causes actual pain.

its like, theres this brain and body disconnect, and my mouth, my tongue, and my jaw are all separate parts that im trying to consciously move, and im trying to get them to move through molasses, and they have a lag in response, if i can even get them to create the shapes i want. and with the pain, its like...knives/nails scrapping/slicing all the nerves/veins in my body.

but im trying to learn to do whats best for me, and what keeps me the healthiest and the happiest. and i think unpacking internalized ableism around using something like an AAC device is something thatll lead me there (to better health and happiness).

but im unsure about how to describe my experiences. afaik, everyone has /some/ degree of struggling to turn word-thoughts into mouth sounds... but id really like to hear input from people who are nonverbal or semiverbal all the time. thank you for reading if you did, and sorry that its so long.

~~~~~~~

simplified question:

i have DID, so i have multiple alters within my body. to my knowledge, we all have a hard time with making speech. some seem to have less difficulty and can have conversations (like at a dr's appointment), others struggle so much they can maybe force out a couple words, and others cannot create speech at all. we have varying levels of intelligence and varying levels of understanding of speech and language.

i had a significant speech delay, with my first word at 5 years old, and never finished speech therapy because the school stopped paying.

these speech issues are not just situational from stress, they are constant with those alters. every single day, for the majority of my day, we cannot create speech. we can make some speech sometimes, but its not even half and half with when we cannot make sounds at all. and the alters who can speak more, only ever front for maybe an hour or two max, and maybe twice a month.

i know not to call myself nonverbal. but would i be semiverbal? can i call me (this me as a whole person with multiple alters inside) semiverbal? or semispeaking? i want to hear from those who are semiverbal and nonverbal.

[amethysticatboysyndrome]

Found a way to make communication cards a bit easier if you don't want to cut out many pieces of paper: flash cards!! You can buy a thing for flash cards like this one and write on those!! Also the paper is firm!!

[transspeciesguy]

Someone should kill my regressive autism actually...

guess who is semiverbal now because of autistic regression

[autisticdreamdrop]

from autism regression Bug and system lost a lot of skills. being verbal is super hard. that's why Bug is unreliably verbal / semiverbal / semispeaking. kinda like Julia from Sesame Street. Bug love and relate to her a lot - Bug/Shane/Theo

[entity56]

kinda funny thinking about how my main defense mechanism is freeze (shutting down, having verbal crashes and/or going stiff) and how im goat adjacent so i just kinda

[boyswillbedogz]

december aac tour :3

disclaimer : its perpetually unfinished and is in a constant state of wip. we frequently add buttons based on words we feel the need to say often . we also probably need to add a folder for conversational scripts , like restauraunt orders and faqs . however, its largely finished and usable , though id like to add more to the ' places ' & ' feelings ' folders !!! the blacked out word is our deadname , which we had to include since most people irl know us by it .

i use the app weave chat on an ipad ! not sure which kind but it's a relatively old model .

we're a bit verbally scrambled due to schizophrenia and have frequent verbal shutdowns due to autism . we spend about 50-80% of the time unable to speak , and tire of it very very quickly .

we have a lot of art on here by a lot of wonderful people, mainly including but not limited to : @angelsemotes @tontoemojis @k9emote @meeb-motes @stellas--symbols and @neon-emojiz !!! yall have been very helpful and are wonderful artists ,,,

individual folders !!! in order : general, about me, health, abc & 123, places, items, pronouns, positions, feelings, actions !

we also sometimes use a google doc on a computer to type and show to people, or google translate tts, communication cards, phantomiming, and very basic sign language !

[spooksforsammy]

My mind racing but also so quiet. Because so fucking much want say but idk why. Idk what say. It stuck but I want it out. It make my brain hurt. I feel physical mental pain with the thoughts stuck in my brain I want it out.

I want to talk to people. I want to get my thoughts out. I want my voice to match my thoughts I want them to actually know what I have to say. It hurts it fucking hurts. Shit I hate it I want a voice I want a voice so fucking bad

[pumpkinspicedmochi]

Hey sorry for the random ask but what does semi speckling mean? /Gen

Hai , its alright I like receiving asks . Anyways , it might be easier to explain it like "unreliable speech" as in semi speaking / semi verbal is a permanent state where you always struggle with speaking for me It also affects my typing which I've seen other people who are semi verbal struggle with the same .

I also have a tag on my blog #mochi semi verbal talk

where I talk more about semi verbal if you're interested in like more indepth than this (or more like..different ways I've talked about it or posts I've reblogged by other semi verbal people?)

I also repeat words a lot when actually using my own voice , I stutter and struggle to get out what I'm trying to say along with speech being broken . Being semi verbal is permanent but my struggle does vary just like how sometimes I write more broken speech than other times.

I also connect it to like , you want to say something but even the words in your brain are jumbling up and its like trying to speck a different language that you only know a few words to or more so ..only a few words will come out and you say the wrong word in place , I also sometimes will use the wrong word when I'm not trying to but that's what wanted to come out and I had no control over it.

hope this helps! 😊

[nebby-aac-blog]

want people to know is okay to use AAC. use my app in lots different places. I use it in piercing and tattoo shop. I use it in restaurant and food place. I use it in clothes shop. I use it in any place I need it and want to make use AAC more normal. and that not going happen unless more people who use AAC be seen use it.

[ghxst-system]

A reminder!

You are not "semiverbal" just from experiencing verbal shutdowns.

That isn't what that means.

And you do not "go nonverbal" when you experience them either.

Stop using wildly ableist language that we have all asked you to stop using

[systems-overloaded]

(I had double incision top surgery)

HOLY CRAP MY CHEST LOOKS SO GOOD!! IM SO HAPPY!!

I've seen ALOT of post op photos. I had watched multiple videos of the actual surgery I was getting, and also looked at a FUCK TON of pre-op, post-op, and other healing stages photos.

I have literally never seen a chest look this good at any of the first healing stages. That's insane, I'm so happy.

My actual surgeon didn't have any photos of their masculinizing top surgeries, even though they'd done it multiple times before, so i kinda felt a bit nervous about that. I wasnt sure exactly how it'd look, even though i know the initial stages can look gnarly but heal phenomenally.

IT. LOOKS. SO. GOOD.

I'm so happy and also a bit in shock about how good!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

(I really want to share photos tbh, but i have tattoos that could be identifying so i won't here. I may post somewhere else with my tattoos blurred. Maybe transbucket?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways the surgery went perfectly!! My mast cell was totally under control!! My chest has healed so well!! I didnt need the ICU and have been recovering at home!!

He was able to hook up my nerves on each nipple, so i should expect sensation still! AND he was able to preserve my tattoos, which all have extreme emotional/sentimental significance to me!

All the issues I have been having, are sooooo much less than we were expecting, and all the doctors, nurses, and just medical teams for this entire thing have been so good!! Especially the anesthesiologist and pain team that worked with me for the actual surgery.

So, besides some hiccups and more mild expected issues related to my other health conditions, I'm doing so well!!!

This is such good news, and means a couple of my conditions are much more controlled than I thought!!

(the "more" section just has more detailed health info, and my experiences so far)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did have some significant & expected prolonged issues from the anesthesia.

I didn't wake up for multiple hours, then woke up but was still totally paralayzed for multiple hours and couldnt communicate that so they thought I wasn't waking up for even longer, RIP.

Then once my right side started to return, my left was still almost totally paralayzed for over an hour too.

(We're hoping that was just a hemiplegic migraine, because I do get complex migraines and have had hemi-paresis during some. That doesn't follow the pattern of my paralysis episodes from my channelopathy (which is why i was paralyzed still for so long.) So the assumption is I was having paralysis episode and a hemiplegic migraine at the same time.)

I'd also had significant increased weakness for about 2 days, I still have increased weakness now, over a week post op but its probably not related to the anesthesia directly. Most likely my mitochondria taking a hit, contributing to overall fatigue, worsening of my channelopathy, and my adrenal issues.

There were also some issues getting a new pain medicine since i had a lot of adverse reactions to what was initially prescribed. But the doctors have been very good about helping me find alternatives.

They'd gave me a nerve block on both sides initially (which apparently is almost never available, but i was able to get!!), and a localized pain pump for the first 3 days, then a muscle relaxer and pain medicines. I've couldnt take the muscle relaxer or the pain meds due to like severe adverse reactions, so now that the localized things ran out, I've been suffering a bit while waiting for a dr to prescribe something else for me.

And I'm actually still needing increased steroids for my adrenal issues, which is considered "abnormal" to still be needing at this point. I'm hoping once I have a bit more pain control from these new meds we're trying, then I won't need as much steroids. *fingers crossed*

Then, I have an adhesive allergy, and we've been able to avoid tapes and adhesives almost entirely. I haven't had any blistering from the paper tape they've used in some areas. I did have some itching which I've been taking benadryl for and it is more controlled now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel very very blessed. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Im so grateful I was able to get this surgery, to have it covered entirely by insurance, to have such a good team of doctors helping me, for my body to have done so well with this whole process, that my chronic illnesses have been controlled as well as they have with my current treatments, that my doctors are helping me find alternatives for pain control, that my chest has already healed so well, that i have the supports in place where i can recover at home, even with prolonged issues or temporarily worsened symptoms, that the surgeon could hook up both nerves and preserve my tattoos. I am so blessed and I am so grateful, and I am so happy, I'm so excited for when its all healed up.