#and now i hate my art all over again
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'Dead Poets Society' gang
Headcanon that these four drop poetry and literature quotes on their conversations unprompted.
Jason 'English-major-I-only-visit-the-manor-for-the-library' Todd-Wayne
Damian 'I-master-liberal-arts-unlike-you-plebs-PHD-holder' al Ghul-Wayne
Cassandra 'I-learn-English-thru-Shakespeare-as-god-intended' Cain-Wayne
Duke 'only-title-holder-of-vigilante-poet-and-will-cuss-you-just-as-poetically' Thomas-(future) Wayne
#My background is ass#I promise to practice but omg i am losing motivation coz its too ugly#started putting some on coloring that i started being happy about it#But my background is level toddler i hate it#the patience and discipline to make my lines straight and clean is nonexistent gdi...why did past me choose library gdi#Just writing some Duke in my fics and this image of them all just made me wanna do art...Duke is a poet and writes stories u kno?#Duke is not a wayne yet...and is not dead yet...but with how comics goes then its just a matter of time lol#They're all in school here...Cass and Jason are college watching over their juniors in high school#everyone use cardigans but Jason like his leather so no thanks lol#Duke and Cass in outsiders are cute#jason todd#dc comics#damian wayne#fanart#robin#cassandra cain#duke thomas#inking & background study#Damian is now 14!!!! He's getting old...he's like a baby yesterday omg#I need to stop obsessing over this so i posted a WIP so i can continue writing my fic!!! argh#Im gonna watch youtube tutorials again on drawing bookshelves coz i cannot do this without guidance
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"It's more than something. It's everything."
s8e11 "Life Time"
painted screenshot. cannot give a time estimate, i lost track long ago. still gouache brush, my beloved, with blur tools to fade edges and so on
i have to go to the zoo now and will be making the version with the clock later [i cannot express how long ive been battling with hawkeye's face, gamers]. background went very fast like i said it would lol
version 2 [as in, w/ clock] will probably be done later today, and i will edit this and add it when that happens [and prolly make a separate post too, for celebration purposes, and will link them]. i will also compile progress pics for that post. they are terrifying early on lmao
"A lot of very touching songs came outta that war" previous painting
"It was pink, and perfect, and I tossed it in the scrap bucket" previous painting
everyone say thank you to bj to being a perfect painting subject today he was very polite and he looks about how i wanted unlike SOME PEOPLE
that was me to my sibling last night, and i stayed up til 1:10ish and still didnt finish the final pass over hawkeye's eye. everything else took like 5ish minutes
also everyone say thank you to margaret and nurse kellye for also being perfect and lovely and pleasant to work with
photo used blatantly stolen from this post thank you again @remyfire i owe you my life
update edit;
clock back
#mash#mash 4077#m*a*s*h#mash fanart#mash art#mashblr#hawkeye pierce#bj hunnicutt#margaret houlihan#nurse kellye#just so you know the working title for the last piece was 'detroit: become sleepy'#and the piece before that was just called 'teehee' because i couldnt think of anything clever when i saved the file#and the working title for THIS piece was 'heterosexual staring'#i also might post my layer names throughout the process just to show off how goofy it got#like i got one now just called 'crunch'. i dont even know what its for#not to mention 'hair shit debacle augh' and 'paint [real]' with its brother 'paint [imposter]'#anyway the parts im most proud of are hawkeye's clothes and his neck creases#and then bj's forehead and eyes and nose and hair#that lamp is also a banger that shit took like 40 minutes it was a great little treat#also shoutout to their ears wherein#once again. i put off the ears til the last minute and then nailed them immediately#i just hate doing them. i do well at it but i hate em#.update#.my art#not a screenshot#i used a screenshot to paint over it piece by backbreaking wristspraining piece but this IS a painting#anyway go check out my fic its somethin. i am a man of many talents. and they're all being used to give me the brain chemicals from MASH#.reasons my wrist is suing me
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Spikeangelo, Reference sheet... again, I think
Yes, this is a hint...maybe
#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#art#crossover#tmnt crossover#tmnt 2012#spikeangelo au#spikangelo au#tmnt 2012 spike#tmnt 2012 slash#tmnt last ronin#the last ronin#tmnt the last ronin#last ronin#titan rivals rise leon in the amount of times he uses humor to cope#proving his hidden mikey status#character reference#character sheet#updates are stagnate cause im waiting to be able to read the comics myself 😩#i can only do so much with little info and it i hate getting things wrong#so im gonna try to get my research in but for now we might be stuck with the asks for awhile#(im very particular about things sorry sorry fscbnjrdbht)#its like highschool all over again ;□;)#edit: you ever just realize you have autism again despite being diagnosed...
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✋ HALT! SPOILER DISTRACTION! ✋ Have a Willow- ❤️
(Also, avoid AND STOP POSTING SPOILERS!!!. I know it was prematurely showned on iTunes on another country but for God's sake! If u wanna go see it immediately then go. But don't post ANYTHING about them around soc med so carelessly without a second thought. Get ahold of yourselves and RESPECT Dana and her crew. Be responsible! Geez some people don't listen anymore when others say to stop posting them anyways- hayst... 🙄)
#getting off of my soc meds to try and survive till the premier but i'll still post some fanarts every now and then#toh#the owl house season3#the owl house s3#toh season 3#toh s3#toh willow park#willow park#digi art#digital art#the owl house#my art#mj2x#marionettej2x#sorry for that short rant but it has to be said#i hate it so much#screw disney as well for making this show suffer#it's like 'thanks to them all over' again#spoiler distraction
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For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son...
Our baby needs more attention, I love him. Didn't love drawing the scars though, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I also wanted to give him golden tears but said fuck it.
Alternative color variations AND a bonus of the speed paint beneath the cut!
[ID: A 3/4 angle portrait of Alan Cumming's rendition of Nightcrawler shrouded in shadow. Only his face is visible. The digital art piece is in color, predominantly blue. His eyes are yellow without pupils, his skin is blue with purple influences, and he is drawn with scars on his face in a slightly lighter blue. His expression is sorrowful, eyes staring off to the upper right, his lips relaxed and closed. END ID]
Original is the top left!
Please feel free to use this in recreational use! Credit me if you post anywhere else (as an edited product ONLY). Do not use for financial gain.
Banner by me, free to use with credit
#im such an idiot for not watermarking any of these but im a bimbo what can i say#we need more love for Alan#it feels like Hayden Christensen all over again#i was born when the movie came out but adults absolutely hated this rendition#now i see people my age absolutely LOVE him#i wish we had more screen time#it is such a shame Alan never wanted to do the character again#also sorry for the dip in content ive been in and out of urgent care dr apts and imaging#x2#X2 United#Alan Cumming Nightcrawler#Alan nightcrawler#kurt wagner#nightcrawler#x-men#my artwrok#my works#x men#xmen#xmen fan art#nightcrawler fan art#kurt wagner fanart#digital art#digital painting#⚔️
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everyone hates crunch and everyone wants the new dragon age to have 4x the scope with 8x the quantum content
#I'm sorry this isn't fair. I know we lost half a decade to two reboots making cool concept art ideas too unfeasible to consider#it is more than fair to mourn it. it's just so entropic. trying to keep containing the unraveling worldstate of thedas over and over again#such a uniquely weird predicament. I think I am starting to feel antagonistic to this type of storytelling#like not fully but to a certain degree I can sense its catastrophic toxicity in the long run#but then again I am the stories-matter-over-lore guy so maybe I am simply blind to the value of it all#this ties back into my musing yesterday about authored vignettes being defanged by player choice even without this context#so like I am starting to lose the plot here for why do this at all. they either have to bethesda it now#and start telling local stories or whatever#or keep banging their heads against this geometrically progressing wall while losing larger and larger sizes of their audience#like with the mass effect trilogy it's kinda like. a double funnel. gets wider then narrows back down by the end#cause it's a finite context those quantum states serve and exist in. but then you want to tell more stories in that universe#and the lorebrained gymnastics inevitably kick in. and like what is this all for#I think I'm growing away from this a little haha I hate that realization lmao
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I desperately need people to stop saying afab when they just mean cis women. I also (for separate reasons) need them to stop saying “afab trans people” when they just mean trans men they don’t agree with.
#i hate agab language so much#It’s just tme/tmi discourse all over again#If the only way you know how to adress a man who is critical of your stance on HIS life#is to refer to him by what he was born with and not by what he is now#then you’re kinda missing the point of that language in the first place#Also I have never ONCE seen amab trans people used in the same way for transfemmes#at least not yet anyway (sorry if that’s a thing y’all have to deal with#hope my point comes across all the same)#And also sorry for venting like this#I’m just annoyed seeing casual transandrophobia from like random art blogs I follow
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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👍
#i went to sleep at 3am and its 6am now bc i criedmyself to sleep 👍👍#sorry to ventdump my annoying insecurities again#i cant bring myself to do something i really want anymore#been having these thoughts since last year but this year its a lot more apparent#ideas are not scarce but the motivation/time to execute them are#i wish i could take an indefinite break on taking commissions bc by the time im finished with all of them im too burnt out/1#to draw for my blog and by the time it passes my motivation for these ideas also vanishes/2#I cant actually stop now bc im still an unpaid internee working for experience+portfolio so I need the money#I feel like shit whenever i can't get art done at the appropriate timing (ex: thematic holiday/character bday/event etc)#everything passes too fast and its already too late and the hype dies#its so hard to stay relevant and charismatic enough#Looking back I can't say im 100% satisfied with ANY art i posted this year#“was it worthy? is it still relevant? did I waste my time doing this?”#im too overly emotional over this (unfortunately) popular fictional lion beastman#“I want to yume/draw him more often/talk more about him!”#why? hes already popular enough. He has louder and more popular users who do that for him. nobody would care if it's you.#you'd get a swarm of hate. nobody would send you nice asks about it.#you don't get nearly half of the asks you used to receive back then. people just aren't interested in you anymore.#maybe you should delete your blog and start drawing trendy doodles of whatever is being hyped up at the moment.#.#if I can't execute original ideas what's the point of it?#I hate HATE having to do trendy art of whatever unfunny meme is being hyped up at the moment#but sometimes its necessary for the algorithm to boost you and to get some actual crumbs of engagement and new followers#what else can I do? being interesting on your own or having an interesting oc is no easy feat. I envy those who manage.
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like it's just the way that outside of the BATB/POTO 'love what's ugly and ostracized' narrative itself cocteau was gay and everybody hated his gall about it, howard ashman was gay and had to conceal it and died of aids after finishing his work for disney's batb.... rather than have dark be homophobic and spitting in the face of his inspirational roots (the sole canon detail i can't stand) it's much much much more interesting for me to both read and write not someone who's meant to be a pervert (in humor) and an agape lover (in serious contextualization) only to turn and say 'no homo' to the crowd every single time but rather, instead of all that, someone who, simultaneously taking daisuke into account, is both extremely firm yet simultaneously insecure in the struggle to establish their identity not only in regards to themselves but also around others.
that applies to a lot, but i've been considering it especially in regards to dark's gender and daisuke's attractions. dark in my portrayal (while overall 500% nonbinary) is closer to someone bi-gender rather than agender; the feminine aspect to him isn't just theatrics, it's actively also part of his entirety to him, (compared to daisuke's passivity; the ten thousand canonical princess allusions,) and even if nobody ever recognizes it in a cognizant way, it is always, always there, the same way that erik blurs and obscures gender in leroux's novel (my second enormous inspiration, sugisaki's outright admitted primary) and sakurai occasionally discusses his relationship as both a performer and a person as well (my third enormous inspiration and sugisaki's secondary,) (see 1, 2.) simply put, the tragedy of (my!) dark does not ever derive from his being able to choose and sit comfortably and confidently with this sort of identity (in fact, it's one of the few things he can stubbornly, viciously decide for himself [alongside daisuke] as essentially a non-human, autonomous 'angel',) it's instead the way that his personality is so strong and 'anti-feminine' in the eyes of convention that said aspect of himself often gets disregarded for strictly masculine (and regardless, further self-contradictory and therefore isolating,) expectations.
dark himself alone does not care if others do not understand him; this is meant to be one of his far more admirable and impressive traits. he's staunchly independent: he knows who he is, what he's supposed to be, and he knows that if he actively presented himself more femininely (crossdressing to 'pass' essentially,) then people's behaviors WOULD be very likely to change around him, but he doesn't even do that because it goes against his overwhelming sense of pride. he never contorts, he never twists himself, what matters to him is that he and he alone understands himself and knows what he is, what he isn't. but he is, without proper support or acceptance, still alone. even bearing a strong character, the stifling loneliness and inherent, underlying self-sense of broken/wrongness of the 'other,' (god's luciferean problem child, the black sheep, the black-leather wearing punk,) is still inflicted on him. dark exists solely for himself, he exists solely for daisuke, which is simultaneously wherein the inversion and insecurities lie: if dark is canonically the live metaphor for all the aspects of daisuke's self that he attempts to and yet cannot possibly, conceivably repress, from his loves to his faults to his shames and his criminal sins as a thief, then the likes of daisuke's own personal confusions in regards to himself and his attempts at intimacy/socialization with others is the other, hidden side of dark's absolute self-confidence; it's every fear of perpetual isolation, misunderstanding, and abandonment for things outside of daisuke's own control.
queerness in relation to the self (transgender allegory) queerness in relation to others (non-hetero-romanticism) mental illness (depression, anxiety,) etc, etc, dark's thematic basis may at its most general simply be "a secret that feels wrong and that you feel you can't really tell anyone or else you'll get in trouble/won't be as liked as much" but it feels much better to give due respect to each of these primary roots.
#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#reference.#'tsun r u angry about homophobic dark again' u can't take the guy everybody loves and is supposed to actively admire in the series#then have him say all the time he hates gays. when he's gay#DN's mothers and grandfathers are all gay sakurai was smashing his head against that boundary even in the 90s ish#what's not clicking#this is not a particularly well thought out ramble btw#i just think it's important that dark as a character (mine i mean) has a particular kind of struggle that isn't often actively touched on#which is being strong but lonely. deeply independent but out of necessity. he doesn't need assurance per se; just acceptance#as yes. still a young child. /a teenager./ not an adult.#even though he's constantly putting his entirety into subtly. selflessly giving (just as shamelessly as he takes as a thief)#dark really. does not get a lot back. and it's even at the point where he doesn't want it either bc hes the 'responsible' one#it's often that people lose interest in him once this stuff comes into play because suddenly he's less attractive for being 'complicated'#and/or bc he's not a 'real' girl. or he's not 'fem' enough (again: strong personality. opposite of a waifish damsel)#nvm me getting followed once by an all fem muse blog that said no fem+fem shipping 😭😂 what the hell even was that#dark counts himself as 'male' he counts himself as 'female' he counts himself as 'other' he just doesn't want to connect with 'none'#because he and basically all the other arts also are all 'none' from the start. they're artworks. canonically their pronouns are all over#the place too. in dark's case he only uses he/him because he is. an ore-sama chara. but i hope#everybody who ever comes into my house (blog) knows him and mine very specifically#as an ore-sama ojou-sama. that's what Mine Is#the same way daisuke is christine. is sleeping beauty. is gerda from the snow queen. but also the cursed prince#ok? ok#ok. im going to cook now#like i love riku but we do not need to bash gay ppl to have a happy het shoujo romance#riku couldve had a cute gf if she wanted. the gf couldve been dai. couldve been dark. :/#'daisuke was originally to be a girl but there weren't a lot of romances from boys' perspectives' and he still can be both. this is how
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im eating chicken with a fork and it made me think about how great opposable thumbs are like if we didnt have opposable thimbs we couldnt turn a ring pop around while holding it or open ring pop wrapper or
#my art#art#my ocs#gabe#trigger#trans#he/him for both#this chicken is realyly fucking anjoying i hate it#i needa draw gummy more hes soooo twirls hair#also i realize npbody has any comtext for these 2#but i feel like i should at the least mention that gabe used 2 be called gummy bc he was a fandom oc nd then i changed him a tonnso now his#name is gabriel for blue curtain reasons#trigger stayed trigger bc i think its fitting#idk what to do about sunbeam tho i would rather like bang my hand in a door than call her sunny but she needs an S name#their story is like not chill at all btw ots like insane but idk how 2 draw so this is all i do#when i learn how to draw and write and color and characterize and my body stops trying to kill me and i graduate and trans people become leg#al again and etc its over for you hoes
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a once in a lifetime miracle: oc art!! this is Shiva.
doodles from a month or so, but i cant really draw properly right now. but i wanted to do something meanwhile so i colored these :33
#oc art#i would explain a bit about Shiva but i think its way funnier if leave these images here without any context#it is up for you to guess what this thing is meant to be and what it's thinking#anyway about my drawing predictment this month#IT IS ART FIGHT MONTH and IM JEALOUS!! IM JEALOUS!!! want to participate SO BAD but i can't so i had to make SOMETHING#even if it was coloring month old doodles because i cant reallt draw properly rigjt now😞#my body knows its art fight month and taunts me by making my hands hurt more than usual😭#and the flood is coming too and its like... you know what?? you can't draw now we say no#the uterus says no the hormones say no#so i cant really draw properly even outside of artfight right now BWUAHHH😭😭😭 please be patient#a bit sad because this is the second year i cant participate over this YET TO BE CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED PERSISTANT PAIN OF 2 YEARS#((glance at medical system i hate the medical system here its so bad might as well have lit money on fire by this point😭))#BUT ANYWAY I AM STILL FULL OF IDEAS THOUGH#SO ONCE THE FLOOD IS OVER I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT TO DO!!!!! i just cant get my brain to work properly right now WWW#so do not worry... you will all be fed... I'll survive the hand pain of july🩷... HOPEFULLY DUNNO HOW TO TURN IT DOWN A BIT#please pray for the daily body pains to be lowered to their usual level so i can use my hands again once the flood is over thank you😊
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A serious question for my brain: Why!??
#I hate that I have a bad evening yet again#one would think I would be over the moon giddy and happy still after Jere blessed me earlier#jokes on me I guess#all it took was a 'not even bad comment' feedback on my art and now I feel nothing matters#tbh I don't like where my rendered art is atm#I have some few instances where it turns out amazing#(like with the Berlin or Malmö redraws)#yet most often than not I hate it#I am not satisfied with how my käärijä zine piece turned out#or the 1 year anniversary for tavastia#or the birthday present to myself of me and Bojan#some of these on a very bad day is directly unappealing (ugly) in my eyes#and now I was just asked if there was any difference between my simple and detailed render not by one but two artist friends#bear in mind the simple render takes maybe and hour and 2-3 effect layers#the detailed render takes 3+ hours and oftentimes 25-30+ layers#if fellow artists cannot even see the difference on me putting in effort and the rendered art doesn't look good to me anyways#why am I even bothering#maybe I should just stick to sketching#it seems to be what works out in the end most of the times anyways#or maybe I am just dramatic#one thing's for certain: this sort of killed my mood for drawing#which is not great when working on commission examples + wanted to work on thumbnails for zines#why am I like this#micahs thoughts
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I just managed to get off mha hyperfixation
And now it's happening again... Oh no
Helps with upcoming MHUI LoV event tho, it was a long time since last one happened I wonder what would happen in a new filler story part
Basically this and couple of pages of mid-final arc chapters + recent episode and next one being The Dabi episode was just too much not to get excited again
But! Important thing - I need to reread the last arc before I make anything new, if possible without finishing it to the 419 chapter and everything after, it took 2 months to really recover from the damage that chapter did
Anyway am I ready for the new event? Kinda! Do I have enough gems to get new Tomura? No! I'm not sure he'll even show up this time, because other ones were and still are really stubborn
Also Steampunk recruit took like 120 pulls in a step-up recruit and in the usual one combined
Not the best time to get LoV involved, it's cruel even
Also that one part of the page I added at the beginning was so interesting to look at and them I joked about 236 being similar. The only good thing with final arc being over is that I can say that Izuku didn't draw the parallel of seeing everyone hurt and seeing Tenko react on Mon's death
Understandable why, but it's funny to just look at them and be like, "wow Horikoshi traumatized them both"
#bnha#mhui#morning thoughts#not art#tenko shimura#shigaraki tomura#izuku midoriya#midoriya izuku#Still trying to assure myself that it's okay to tag whatever with whatever#If I get into drawing Izuku and Tenko interacting again this post is why#I don't prefer shipping stuff aside from here and there but some of the relationships are so interesting to look at#Izuku and Tenko one is one of my favorites and when PLF arc ended with Izuku looking behind who Tomura was on the outside was...#I can't describe it because I was SURE it was never happening and then it did and almost 3 years after that we get the actual thing#And then boom it's over#I thing knowing that AFO shows up in the 418 ruined it for me I saw people trying to predict it and stuff#But I hoped it wasn't gonna happen but I didn't know what would the other option be#So I was in 'we'll see' mindset for months and I'm okay with the end result... Kinda#It hurts really badly if I turn to my actual emotions#I was just thinking one day and while reading stuff decided to punch a pillow and suddenly it's like some wall broke and it hurt#It hurts now too actually just writing this#I thought because I wasn't processing this the way most people I saw in the fandom did with all of the hating on Horikoshi and stuff#AND hating on Izuku too!#I was either broken or a strange one even to the part of the fandom I tried to join for the first time in ages#While people were clinging to anything to keep deluding themselves that Tomura is alive#Or being openly angry on Twitter#It all was on Twitter actually because I have no power to really change what it shows if I don't just “ignore” every single person there#I tried drawing through it but I slowly hit burnout with drawing absolutely nothing#I'm a bit better now and I tried different things instead so it's alright still a bit... Too much all at once since I had irl stuff too#I'm glad that I'm not known enough to be pressured about anything since I pressure myself enough already
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WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE MY FUGLY UGLY ASS ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE X FAHRENHEIT 451 CROSSOVER DRAWING THAT I WAS FORCED TO DO FOR SCHOOL….. ITS SO UGLY AND MONTAG IS
WHITE.
AND THE HOUNDS ARE DISGUSTING THE COLORING IS SO SHITTY AND MILDRED …. Well ok she looks alright kindof but the COLORING ….. SKETCH WAS BETTER but do you guys. Do you still want to see it…….,,,,,,
ALSO NO OFFENSE TO WHITE PEOPLE PLEASE I LOVE YOU GUYS 🫶😁👍 within reason
#like ok maybe it isn’t. THAT bad#NO NO I TAKE THAT BACK I JUST LOOKED AT IT RIGHT NOW AND THE COMPOSITION IS ALL FUCKING VOER THE PLACE#IT. IT IS. THAT BAD#IF YOU GUYS SAY YESS YOULL SEE#ok but nasty bad art aside I know some of you will be asking why white Montag is such a bad thing and#there isn’t anything wrong with it!!! it’s just that for me personally#after I did a bit more thinking I was. physically incapable of perceiving Montag as anything other than POC/nonwhite#so when I look back at my old f451 art and stare into the eyes of a pale skittish twink it just#it doesn’t click. like that isn’t MY Montag if ykwim#now trembling BROWN skittish twink. that’s a different story#AGAIN I DONT have any issues with ppl making their own versions white I just think that . for me specifically. he looked a bit funny#a little off. a bit too crackerish for my liking#where is bros melanin 😭#I’m complaining right now but if I wanted to I could just… go in and try and make the skin tone darker#I might do that depending on how tired I feel after doomscrolling#also if it matters even though I have read the book over at least 8 times now not once have I touched either of the movies.#and it will STAY THAT WAY. until I completely log my notes for the book#then I can move on to the movies 🥰#but I will admit 2018 did sort of lead me to having a change of heart w my design. just a little. just a teensy bit. kinda. sort of?#actually not really now that I think about it#I have my own reasons.#TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLE MY EYES THEY BURN AAAYHHHHH MY EYES OW OW OW OWIEEEE#my Beatty design was so white that my eyes developed stage 4 cataracts#I needed a palate cleanser that WASNT Millie… oh god my Millie design…#she was white there too. terrible#it’s okay… 💔 I’ve since learned and moved on#ARGH GUYS I DONT HATE WHITE PEOPLE I JUST THINK THAT MORE SKIN COLOR VARIATIONS WOULD E NICE
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officially at the Big Anxiety stage of career success. wondering when this stops being as bad 😔
#incessant meowing#personal#i understand that at a certain point it becomes inevitable to start running into people who will try to hurt your feelings#just by sheer numbers of how visibility works in an art career#but i feel so severely unequipped to process these things#i’m in therapy again getting help with this but it’s tough right now#and don’t worry 99% of people are so wonderful and lovely and i appreciate you all#and the hateful comments are still incredibly rare#i just feel really silly and over sensitive for still being affected by death wish/insult comments#somehow i feel like other people shrug those off really easily but i’m struggling#and i need to get better at dealing with this because i’m trans and i’m only getting MORE visibility#it’s such a double edged sword because on one hand this is supposed to be every artist’s dream come true#and it is! i’m so grateful for my work#but i am also extremely scared all the time#and it’s starting to take a significant toll on my health
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