#and it’s not that kind of situation where you can tell that hey criticism triggers me a lot can you please be a little gentle with me

[namazunomegami]

If anyone would ask me what having BPD feels like I’d tell them its like going from I bet on losing dogs by mitski to the AM hate speech (specifically the radio drama version) to a split second before going back to feeling like a complete failure of a human being

[gracien-system]

Hey folks! We've got some additions after we were given some criticism. Please reblog this version, and read through the clarifications and additions. Info is under the readmore.

One other thing: if you're actively in recovery, it might be worthwhile to avoid reading this until you absolutely have to, as it contains some pretty detailed descriptions, and could potentially trigger a spiral. It's ultimately your call, but it's also worth mentioning.

For cutting recommendations:

the point about using the sharpest possible tool has some caveats, namely that while a sharper tool can cause less long-term damage, they can be harder to control and can cut deeper than intended. Be careful about how much force you're applying, and if you can't control that, it's okay to use a duller blade.

For burning recommendations:

cool running water, not stagnant, when washing the burn. Stagnant water will give you an infection. Tap cool water is usually fine.

when washing the burn, do so for five minutes, or until it stops hurting, whichever is longer. The "it's burning" feeling should lessen when the area is no longer in contact with the water by the time you are done.

Use unscented or antibacterial soap, if at all possible, when washing the burn.

Aloe vera, a burn cream, or an unscented moisturizing lotion should be applied to all burns after washing.

A second degree burn (especially with blisters) is an open wound, treat it as such.

How to tell whether a burn is first, second, or third degree:

1st degree - "tis but a fleshwound", red, swolen, should sting a bit, skin is dry and may be peely.

2nd degree - "ah fuck that's annoying", skin is wet or "weepy" after, will likely blister DO NOT POP BLISTERS, area must be washed regularly, consider medical treatment if the pain or swelling is troublesome or if a blister is unusual or painful.

3rd degree - "doesn't hurt? weird" that is your warning sign, you must seek emergency medical treatment, skin will be very red, dry, and oddly textured, there is likely nerve damage, infection is imminent.

General additions:

do not mix peroxide and dish soap (particularly Dawn), and just generally try to avoid mixing any household cleaning products which aren't specifically intended to be mixed. If you plan on using multiple kinds of disinfectants, wash your implement or wounds with water and try to get as much of the first disinfectant off as possible before using the second.

Crisis lines which you don't need to be actively suicidal to use:

https://www.crisistextline.org/ US

https://www.crisistextline.org/about-us/where-we-are/#where-we-are2 UK Canada and Ireland

https://giveusashout.org/get-help/issues/help-self-harm/ UK

https://calhopeconnect.org/ California(?)

Closing notes (part 2):

After self harming, there is almost certainly going to be an emotional aftermath. It's going to be specific to whatever your exact situation is, but it's important to address that there is a large emotional component to practicing it in a safer way, not just physical.

Here is something which might help, it's a process to go through once you've finished:

What feelings or events might have triggered this?

Are there any triggers I can try to avoid in the future?

How do I feel now? Do I need to contact anyone?

What self care can I do now? Do I have a comfort item nearby?

Am I beating myself up over my actions? Do I need to direct some extra self love towards myself or engage in something that makes me feel happy?

How to be safer when doing self harm.

We've seen a lot of posts talking about how there needs to be more resources for folks who self harm on how to do it safely, and how resources are overly focused on prevention rather than harm reduction. We realized that we have the knowledge to at least contribute to the "how to do this safer" side, and... well, this post is our attempt at that.

I will note that we are not medical professionals -- our mother was, for about 5 years, though, and so was our great grandmother. We've also done enough research to feel confident that we can give at least a general guide and pointers on how to reduce the risk of long term damage from self harm, but we're human -- if we make a mistake, and you happen to know that it's wrong, point it out in the notes. We'll reblog your version.

With all that being said, the info's under the readmore.

When it comes to self harm, there are a lot of methods that people use -- however, physical self harm generally has a few common presentations.

Cutting, scratching, and burning, are the 3 we're going to cover here. We'll go in order, top to bottom.

1: how to be safer when cutting

The first thing you want to do is pick your blade. A razor blade is much different to a knife, and both are different to a shard of glass, even though the aftercare remains similar.

The general guidance we can give is this: make sure whatever implement you use is as sharp as possible, and avoid serrated blades as much as you can. A simple kitchen or pocket knife is probably the safest option you have.

Whatever you use, make sure you sterilize it to the best of your ability beforehand. Dunk it in hydrogen peroxide or alcohol (pouring either over the entire length of the blade works, too.), or take a lighter and run it down the entire length of the cutting edge (this will fuck up the heat treat of the blade, and make it much harder to keep it sharp in the future, so I wouldn't recommend it for anything you'd like to reuse, but it is and option if necessary).

When you cut, pick your location carefully. Avoid the wrists and lower arm (there are a lot of veins and nerves you could accidentally damage or sever, which is a bad time.) a nice rule of thumb (though it may not work for everyone) is "if you can take your other hand and feel bone on both sides of the arm, it's probably too low". Make sure you don't cut lengthwise -- if you accidentally catch a vein going lengthwise, you'll almost certainly end up in the ER or worse, whereas going horizontally has a much lower chance of something catastrophic happening.

Other places to avoid cutting are: inner thigh (nearby artery), and the groin (extremely high bloodflow region).

While cutting, to avoid infection, it's important that if you set your blade on a hard and non-sterile surface, you wash it with alcohol or peroxide before using it again.

Try to avoid cutting deep -- muscle damage is hard to heal from, and nerve damage is harder still. Skin deep wounds will scar, but muscle deep ones usually require stitches.

Once you're done, wash the wounds and your hands with soap and hot water, then a disinfectant. Dry them with a towel or paper towel, then put bandages over them (or bandaids, if they're small enough.)

How to apply a bandage: get cotton pads, gauze, or something similar, as well as tape. Press the gauze against the wound, then tape it to the surrounding skin. Change once every 4-6 hours (or until you can see blood on the exposed side, whichever is sooner.) until the bleeding has stopped, then once every 6-8 hours until it has healed.

You've minimized your chance of infection, scarring, and permanent damage. Good job. We're proud of you. /gen

2: how to be safer scratching.

With scratching, you want to make sure that you wash your hands thoroughly before and after, especially under your fingernails. A good way to make sure that your fingernails are clean is to take some soap, put it in the palm of your hand, then scratch the palm for a few seconds under running water. Do this with both hands.

If you draw blood, make sure to disinfect and bandage the wound. If you don't, make sure to wash it afterwards.

Scratching carries of a lot less risk of permanent damage as opposed to a lot of other methods, but has a much higher chance of infection if you draw blood and didn't disinfect your hands. Just be careful, and you should be fine. We're proud of you. /gen

3: how to be safer burning.

We can't advise on the method as much as we would like to, here, because there are a lot of ways to burn yourself. We're going to assume lighter, but the advice we give should be applicable to most localized 1st and 2nd degree burns. If you give yourself a 3rd degree burn of any sort, no matter how localized, you need to see a doctor as fast as possible.

1st degree burns are comparable to a (mild to moderate) sunburn -- uncomfortable, potentially risks infection if not cared for properly, painful, and just generally not a great time, but not very dangerous if treated properly. Standard protocol with all burns is to wash the affected area(s) in cool water for 30 seconds to a minute immediately after the burn. With 1st degree, it's your choice whether you want to apply something like allo or lotion to it, afterwards. It might help reduce pain and/or help it heal faster, but it's your call. Just make sure to keep the area clean and cool.

2nd degree burns are more serious. Depending on how big the area burned is, you might want to see a doctor, but that's up to the individual. If you want to treat it yourself, wash for 30 seconds to a minute in cool water, then apply a lotion or allo to it. Once you've done that, apply a bandage over the area, and let it heal.

We aren't an expert in identifying what is first, second, and third degree, in terms of burns -- but there are plenty of resources our there to help you with that. If someone adds one to this post, we'll edit this to include it.

Congrats, you've minimized the risk of long term damage. We're proud. /gen

Closing notes

We know there's a lot out there that would like to say that recovery is an on/off switch. It isn't. The best way to recover is to minimize the harm as much as you can today, and and work towards other coping mechanisms as you can. Don't believe that you're lesser, somehow, for needing an intermediate step, or intermediate steps.

We hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night, and we wish you good luck -- both in your recovery, and in your life.

[infernalrevenge]

Hey! I just came across your blog and I absolutely love the way you write about a disability, so I figured I’d ask if you could write mine. Could you please do a gender neutral reader with moderate-ish Tourette’s Syndrome and how the lords react with it? Thank you so much for writing these things well :))

Thank you as well! I was just happy to do the prompt, it's cool to see that people liked it and thought I did well :D I hope this one delivers on it too.

Like before, I've had to do research since I don't have experience with Tourette's syndrome. If anyone would like to provide some constructive criticism on how I've done this -- especially you, friendly anon -- or point something out that may be wrong, then feel free to do so.

(CW for misunderstandings and misconceptions about Tourette's syndrome made by the lords, but some of them eventually learn.)

Alcina Dimitrescu

Alcina has met all sorts of people during her lifetime, so she may have known some who have or had these kinds of uncontrollable tics before. When you meet her and she becomes aware of them, you can give her the name for it and she'd say "Oh, so that's what it's called."

Also, if you were ever worried about coming off as weird for it? Don't be. Not only does she not consider things or people to be "weird" anymore (who's normal these days anyway? What is normal?), remember that she's a nine foot tall vampiric woman who has been alive for more than century. Nothing is normal.

Your tics don't really bother her, even in a public setting where you might worry about being embarrassing. If they do, she doesn't make it obvious. You may have to explain to her beforehand what causes them though, so she has a better understanding of why they happen. Nonetheless, she's quite patient.

If your tics cause you to have a hard time sleeping, she'll be right there to soothe you and get you back in bed. She understands that these things just happen but you both need your rest -- mind and body. Hopefully, some cuddling with your big lady love can help you wind down.

It goes without saying that anyone who gives you a hard time about your condition will be on the Lady's bad side from then on. It will start with an icy glare and a few choice words, and could possibly end with a trip to the wine cellar. It all depends on her mood, and your willingness to forgive.

Donna Beneviento

Donna thought she understood what it was like to be around someone who had no filter (*ehem Angie ehem Karl*) but she didn't realize how different it was with someone who genuinely couldn't control those things.

She may have heard of Tourette's before, maybe in a book she read or something mentioned offhandedly. Nonetheless, her curiosity lets her not just try to do her own research, but also ask you more about it. Who better to learn from than someone with experience?

She is very observant, so she'll keep in mind what could trigger your tics. Are you doing it because you're stressed? Are you sad or angry? Perhaps you're excited about something? When she finds out, she'll act accordingly, either to provide comfort, or be happy with you!

She would never stop you from acting on your tics, knowing that it would be hard for you to do so and would bring more relief to just let you do it. She might be too forgiving though, even if the tics can be intrusive or offensive (still beyond your control) so you have to assure her that she can tell you if they end up bothering her.

Anyone who tries to mock you is automatically getting attacked by Angie, no exceptions. Little doll's feral too, so even if the bully apologizes incessantly, she won't stop until she's satisfied. Might as well sit back and enjoy the impromptu show.

Salvatore Moreau

Salvatore was implied to be a former doctor before his Cadou transformation, so he may be familiar with Tourette's and what that entails. He'll have to do more reading, since he didn't frequently encounter neurological disorders like this.

He's rather slow though, especially in his current condition, so you'll have to be patient with him when he can't understand what or why you're doing something sometimes. It'll take a lot of repetition for him to not just get used to it, but also remember it.

Very understanding and patient, especially when you tell him more about your triggers. He'll try to minimize your exposure to stressors, not only for your tics, but also because he would hate to see you upset or frustrated.

Like with Alcina, he won't see or treat you any differently than before he found out about it -- he'll just have learned more about you, and that's great!

He knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of both scrutiny and pity, and he would hate to see you go through that too. So not only is he going to be protective, but also tell people off if they were treating you too differently from anyone else. You're still a person, so what if you're a little different?

Karl Heisenberg

At first, he may not fully understand why you're doing these things. It's not that your tics were annoying to him specifically, but if they were to you, then can't you just... stop? (He gets told to stop doing things he wants to do all the time.)

But when you explain why you can't stop, and that it's not something that easy to control, he starts to get it a little more. When you give him a name for your condition, he tries to research more about it.

Both of you need to give each other time to get used to the other -- Karl may not be as patient as the other lords, especially in the beginning, but he will get used to it eventually. He has to accept that this is part of you, and if he really cares about you (believe me, he does) then he would have to be more forgiving.

He's the type to laugh along about some of the situations you get yourself into because of your tics. You got a motor tic that got you in trouble, but you've got a humor about it? That's quite endearing to him.

If anyone bullies you for your tics and he finds out, they're getting thrown down with Sturm. Maybe add a couple lycans to the mix for entertainment value. Karl loves a good show, after all.

[pet-genius]

The Death Eaters as a Cult - Part 3

Follow up to this and this. Trigger warning: Cult abuse.

Draco is vulnerable to being recruited simply because he’s Draco - his father is a Death Eater, and he's eager to prove himself to the master he grew up believing in. I’m not usually sympathetic to Draco, but this line makes me feel for him:

“everyone thinks he’s so smart, wonderful Potter with his scar and his broomstick —”

“You have told me this at least a dozen times already,” said Mr. Malfoy, with a quelling look at his son. “And I would remind you that it is not — prudent — to appear less than fond of Harry Potter, not when most of our kind regard him as the hero who made the Dark Lord disappear.”

This makes it clear that he’s been indoctrinated from a young age into a fringe belief (his belief in the Dark Lord, not in blood supremacy - that’s mainstream), and into hiding it, even after the cult disbanded. This contributed to a sense of isolation from mainstream society, and for someone like Draco, exacerbated his existing condescension and entitlement. The same must be true for Crabbe and Goyle, who on top of being children, are stupid and lacking in critical thinking skills, which means an escape was nearly impossible for them, and indeed, Crabbe died, and who knows if Goyle was clever enough to stay out of Azkaban.

Throughout HBP, Draco goes from boastful to scared for his life.

From DLA:

“What say you, Draco?” asked Voldemort, and though his voice was quiet, it carried clearly through the catcalls and jeers. “Will you babysit the cubs?”

The hilarity mounted; Draco Malfoy looked in terror at his father, who was staring down into his own lap, then caught his mother’s eye. She shook her head almost imperceptibly, then resumed her own deadpan stare at the opposite wall.

Once on top, now the Malfoys are too scared to make eye contact with anyone and protest at their humiliation. Draco is looking to his parents for protection, but they know they can’t provide it, even though Narcissa is trying.

Regulus was in a similar situation to Draco - I think he felt pressured to prove himself after the bitter disappointment Sirius had been. He and Draco were marked before they were of age, whatever being of age means in the wizarding world - meaning Voldemort was not above using minors. He also used children: the Daily Prophet writes that the Ministry has captured a nine year old child who had been Imperiused into murdering his family.

Snape’s vulnerability is glaring. In a nutshell, his extreme poverty and the neglect and abuse played a part in his decision to join the Death Eaters, and there’s a reason why Lucius is seen patting him on the back as soon as he is sorted. Perhaps the policy was to groom all newcomers. Like Barty, he might have looked for a father figure. Harry notices the many similarities between Snape and Voldemort (and himself), and these are all things Voldemort must have used on young Snape as well.

Snape is an example of how disposable Voldemort’s followers were, to him - he sent him to Hogwarts to get the cursed DADA job, meaning he was willing to let a potentially horrible fate befall Snape within the year. Even after Snape ascended to #2 by killing Dumbledore (on Voldemort’s order, no less), Voldemort killed him to gain mastery of the wand Snape became master of by doing Voldemort’s bidding.

Snape also explains the Dark Mark

“There,” said Snape harshly. “There. The Dark Mark. It is not as clear as it was an hour or so ago, when it burned black, but you can still see it. Every Death Eater had the sign burned into him by the Dark Lord. It was a means of distinguishing one another, and his means of summoning us to him. When he touched the Mark of any Death Eater, we were to Disapparate, and Apparate, instantly, at his side.”

A famous cult in my country did this: The leader made his followers tattoo pictures of him and his name on their body. It’s this association that originally made me think of the Death Eaters as a cult. Voldemort branded his followers like cattle, and he expected them to drop everything they’re doing to run to him whenever he wants.

Snape was constantly tested, too. He was assigned a servant he despised, for one, and tasked with killing Dumbledore. Even after he had accomplished that, Voldemort did not fully trust him:

“Yaxley. Snape,” said a high, clear voice from the head of the table. “You are very nearly late.”

This is a threat, since they’re not actually late; I think it’s meant as a “hey, remember when I tortured you once for being late?” It is followed by:

“Saturday... at nightfall,” repeated Voldemort. His red eyes fastened upon Snape’s black ones with such intensity that some of the watchers looked away, apparently fearful that they themselves be scorched by the ferocity of the gaze. Snape, however, looked calmly back into Voldemort’s face and, after a moment or two, Voldemort’s lipless mouth curved into something like a smile.

Voldemort is using Legilimency - he still does not trust Snape, he still needs to interrogate him so carefully that the others are afraid to look.

Next, there is this:

“Do you recognize our guest, Severus?” asked Voldemort. Snape raised his eyes to the upside-down face. All of the Death Eaters were looking up at the captive now, as though they had been given permission to show curiosity.

That the Death Eaters all knew not to look up at the gruesome sight without permission, goes to show, again, how fun it must have been to be a Death Eater. In general, I think the best way to read “Dark Lord Ascending” is to pay attention to where people are looking, and how - it’s important in general, but especially in this chapter.

Lucius is an anomaly. It’s very hard to picture him kneeling, and there is no obvious reason why he should forfeit his dignity. Cults don’t typically target the elite, and in this, the Death Eaters are a bit strange, unless Lucius was also recruited at a young, impressionable age. This can be resolved if you consider that Voldemort is the Heir of Slytherin, and unlike cult leaders, he really is super-powerful, and the person with the most potential to achieve political goals the Malfoy family is interested in.

Privileged as he was, even Lucius had vulnerabilities, and Voldemort was a Legilimens, meaning it was very easy for him to tell what they were.

This is how he treats Lucius in DLA:

“As I was saying,” continued Voldemort, looking again at the tense faces of his followers, “I understand better now. I shall need, for instance, to borrow a wand from one of you before I go to kill Potter.”

The faces around him displayed nothing but shock; he might have announced that he wanted to borrow one of their arms.

“No volunteers?” said Voldemort. “Let’s see... Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a wand anymore.”

How… emasculating.

Lucius Malfoy looked up [so he was looking down until then]. His skin appeared yellowish and waxy in the firelight, and his eyes were sunken and shadowed. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.

“My Lord?”

Lucius looks like he’s been through a lot. Also, since this scene takes place in the middle of July, why is there a fire? I’m theorizing that it’s for Nagini, or perhaps Voldemort is cold-blooded now, but in any case, he doesn’t care about the others’ comfort level. Maybe he even wants them to sweat.

“Your wand, Lucius. I require your wand.”

“I...”

Malfoy glanced sideways at his wife. She was staring straight ahead, quite as pale as he was, [...] At her touch, Malfoy put his hand into his robes, withdrew a wand, and passed it along to Voldemort.

Voldemort is making Lucius give him the wand himself, to reinforce his submission - he could have used magic.

“Give you my wand, Lucius? My wand?”

Some of the throng sniggered.

“I have given you your liberty, Lucius, is that not enough for you?”

Indeed, Voldemort has given Lucius his (questionable) liberty, but again, he is expecting gratitude for something Lucius would have had in the first place, were it not for him: Lucius was imprisoned because he was caught at the Department of Mysteries fighting for Voldemort.

“But I have noticed that you and your family seem less than happy of late.... What is it about my presence in your home that displeases you, Lucius?”

“Nothing — nothing, my Lord!”

“Such lies, Lucius...”

The soft voice seemed to hiss on even after the cruel mouth had stopped moving.

[...]

“Why do the Malfoys look so unhappy with their lot? Is my return, my rise to power, not the very thing they professed to desire for so many years?”

“Of course, my Lord,” said Lucius Malfoy. His hand shook as he wiped sweat from his upper lip. “We did desire it — we do.”

Remember the fire? Do you notice Lucius sweating? His hand shaking? See how terrified he is, and how awful it must be to be forced to state how much he loves being treated like that?

To Malfoy’s left, his wife made an odd, stiff nod, her eyes averted from Voldemort and the snake. To his right, his son, Draco, who had been gazing up at the inert body overhead, glanced quickly at Voldemort and away again, terrified to make eye contact.

This is what has become of the once mighty Malfoy family.

Legilimency is important - because it means Voldemort typically could spot the mere thought of defection, and manipulate it out of the offender or outright kill them. The DEs know he can read minds, and so averting your eyes could be seen as admitting to a lie, unless you avert your eyes regularly. Breaking eye contact is a gesture of submission, and if one’s body is forced into it enough, it becomes ingrained. Every mention of eye contact in Dark Lord Ascending reinforces that. Their body language in that chapter also shows how controlled they are. I believe Death Eaters are learning to occlude involuntarily, to deceive themselves into only having permissible thoughts and feelings, to ensure their own survival. This makes it impossible to escape.

Finally, there’s JKR’s statement that Snape was the only DE who could produce a Patronus. This can't be because he's not evil (Umbridge can produce a Patronus), and it can't be because he's the only DE who is more powerful than 13 year old Harry. I think it’s because they were not allowed to - I think a spell that requires you to think genuinely happy thoughts would have reminded Death Eaters that their happiness does not come from Voldemort. The rigid mind control screams "cult" to me, and I think it's a much more interesting take on them than "bunch of plot-stupid people who had somehow managed to terrorize the wizarding world despite being incompetent".

Hope you now feel the same and thanks for reading this thesis <3

[scriptmedic]

So I'm looking into the psychology of how healthcare workers cope with a Year From Hell with a flood of critical patients, an economic disaster and a domestic insurrection. This is actually for historical fiction, it's the result of a 19th-century war, and it's a left-wing insurrection, but yeah there are obviously parallels....

TW for COVID, COVID 19, COVID MENTION, PANDEMIC/PLAGUE

Hey Cathreese! (Awesome name, I hope it's real.)

I hope you're doing well and that you and yours are safe and hale and whole.

Health care resiliency is a HUGE topic for me, and I apologize if this ask is WAY too dang long.

Caution: Then != Now

The thing that makes this ask a particular challenge is the historical aspect. I can talk about how people are dealing with this now, but so much of our responses are conditioned by our environment that a 21st century health worker's response to a Year From Hell is very different from how it would have been previously.

In part that's because we're so sheltered from death and dying as a culture now. In the 1800s, families taking care of their dead was... well, kind of a matter of course. People did their dying at home, for the most part, and their families saw to them after.

In the modern era that's all expected to be tucked away in a clean white room with machines solemnly going "beep" and a gaggle of professionals to make sure it happens in a neat, tidy, orderly way.

Also, remember that nursing wasn't really a profession til the mid-1800s. It was a duty taken up by family members or, in some cases, by nuns -- but nursing as a profession really began after Florence Nightingale and the Crimean War in the 1850s. (You may want to spend some time researching her, she's a badass.)

How Chronic Stress & Trauma Affect Personality/Behavior

Chronic stress, especially chronic sympathetic activation (fight/flight/freeze mode), makes neurophysiological changes in the brain that impacts how people experience stress.

For the first part, their brain is constantly on the lookout for reasons to stress -- making them have a "hair trigger" for stressful experience.

Second, stress responses come in 3 major flavors:

Fight. This comes out as frustration, anger, short-temperedness, lack of patience, loss of kindness or compassion, etc.

Flight. This comes out as anxiety, nervousness, dread, overwhelm, panic attacks, strong startle response, etc.

Freeze. Can't think, can't make a decision, brain fog, listlessness, inability to focus, etc.

Also, keep in mind that nightmares and other ways of processing stress are real and valid. Lack of sleep is a physiological stressor, as is poor nutrition and dehydration -- a character who's only getting a few hours a night is going to be MUCH worse off than a character who's taking good care of themselves.

More below the cut...

How Individuals Manage Chronic Stress & Trauma

First things first: relationships will matter hugely. Whether your character feels like they can rely on their team, or whether they feel constantly snarked at or nitpicked, can make a BIG difference in their ability to successfully navigate stressors.

Unfortunately, the phrase "nurses eat their young" isn't a baseless stereotype, and it originates from this era. People under stress often fall into Fight mode and want to snap, snarl, or blame rather than accept that other people are learning at their own pace -- so it would be reasonable to see a situation in which your character has, A) no support / a lot of bullying or nitpicking, B) systematically unsupported with 1 or 2 close friends, or C) an overall Good Team of People.

On top of all of that, there are the individual factors. Health care resiliency comes down to self-care and mindset, and of the mindset, of particular importance is the ability to tell ourselves stories that allow us to function.

So for each character, ask: how does their relationship to their situation cause them to see themselves?

Let's look at the possible ramifications of 3 mindsets to see how it could impact them.

"I'm just doing a job." This mentality might make someone more detached from each individual patient -- but during a plague and social upheaval, that can be really helpful in maintaining a healthy perspective. This mindset helps the person do their work, but release them from feeling obligated to get a particular outcome of their work -- they don't have to save everyone. Of course there's still pride in a job well done, and some measure of pain and loss or head-shaking when someone doesn't make it, but it's one of the least personally harmful mentalities in an industry like health care. Pair this with a strong sense of compassion and I think it's the healthiest outlook one can have. (This is where I am now.)

"I have to save everyone." This is a recipe for straight-up self-loathing, and sadly, it's a belief that underpins WAY too many health professionals. Many don't see it as a job, they see it as a calling -- and that means that they will take each loss as a personal failure. This can lead to depression, anger, and outbursts. They care so so much about each patient -- too much, and it wounds them, and it hollows them out. (I used to be like this.)

"The Divine works through me." This is an interesting mindset to me (who didn't get raised with a religious background at all). This is kind of a combination of mindsets 1 and 2 -- the character might see themselves as doing a job, yes, a very important one, but also as not being responsible for the outcome. They love and try their hardest, but the success or failure of their efforts gets pinned on someone else -- namely, a god or gods of their choosing. Thus the patients who die, well, that's His decision, innit? Same if they live.

Hope this was a place to start looking and thinking, and thank you for the ask.

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

[patton-ly-absurd]

Spear of light, Sword of darkness

First, Previous

Part 9! TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACKS

Damian had been with his father’s family for six months before they decided to reveal him to the world. Well, decided implies that it was intentional when it really wasn’t. Tim had been caught by reporters picking up Damian from school. Not that Damien needed schooling for much other than English, but they wanted to have him in a social environment in order to help him acclimate to the world around him.

He grew up in a place where most any kind of social interaction was forbidden, so he got basically no social interaction. Outside of Thea of course, but the Waynes weren’t aware of her, and Damian wasn’t planning on telling them about her until hell froze over.

Back to Damian’s first meeting with the press. Damian still wasn’t fully fluent in english and didn’t understand why these people were flashing lights at him.

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He flinched away, but the lights brought him back to those moments from months ago, images and sounds blinking through his mind, Of her spear, a bright purple light. ‘Damian’ he clenched his fists ‘become a good man’ He heard screams cut across his mind, the falling of bricks, fire burning through the space around him. The sound of footsteps, so many footsteps, running, running so far. The sound of a weapon being dropped to the ground. ‘Damian’ he heard his name, ‘Damian’ He heard it again but it was no longer her voice, it was Tims, and he was no longer outside, he was in the car.

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Damian blinked twice before his heartbeat slowed back down to a normal rate.

Once Tim saw that he was conscious, aware of his surroundings, and more than anything, calm, he asked “Damian, are you alright?”

Damian looked up at him, trying to read his expression, but before he could, Tim continued. “You don’t have to tell me what you saw when you were out, but can you maybe tell me what triggered that, or what I can do to stop it from happening?” Tim talked in a calm and surprisingly quiet voice. “Tell me please, what can I do to help you?”

Damian looked at his hands that were still shaking slightly, “Just keep them away from me. Please,”

Tim didn’t tell his brothers what had happened that day, but what he did do was tell Bruce to “Keep him away from the press, I think they may have somehow triggered some trauma he has. It looked like he was having a panic attack,”

Bruce was very concerned, he knew Damian likely had some type of trauma but none of them knew what. “Do you have any idea what may have caused it?”

Tim shrugged nervously “I don’t know this hasn’t ever happened before, he seems fine with crowds of people. Look were probably going to have to actually ask him if we want to know what caused it, and I don’t think he wants to talk about it, even then who knows if he knows exactly what caused it,”

Bruce talked with Jason and Dick, and told them that under no circumstances when he’s out should he be around the press.

Then Dick asked “Not that I’m not going to do this, I am, but why do we need to keep him away from the press?”

Tim spoke up “When he saw the press it looked like he had a panic attack, or was reliving something. He wouldn’t tell me what happened or what caused it so this is what we’re going with,”

Jason and Dick were stunned for a moment but nodded, now understanding the seriousness of it. For now they would focus on preventing another event like the one that had happened that day, whether or not they actually found out what caused the situation was a matter unto itself, and would take more time. So, for now, preventing things was the way to go.

Damian knew what had caused it, and he had shared it, but Tim misinterpreted his words, The “them” he was referring to wasn’t the press, it was the flashing lights. The cameras that followed celebrities around everywhere. The people who intrude upon your life. He wasn't afraid of them, but it reminded him what he never wanted to see, his home taken awake and destroyed, its screams filling the air, burning buildings, people dying, and a bright purple light.

next

Hey! sorry for not updating in a while! I haven't had much inspiration lately so I haven't had many ideas on how to continue this story, but now that the ideas are coming back I should be able to update more frequently. Also! if there's a point in time where I'm not updating Please do give me feedback on what I've written, be that theories or just genuine criticism, it could help me come up with ideas. I also just like to hear your feedback.

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[cotncandyboifics]

A Lovely Night: Chapter 6

AO3 Link

Masterpost

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3 ~ Chapter 4 ~ Chapter 5

Pairing(s): pre-established roceit & prinxiety, anaroceit, eventual anaroloceit, eventual intruality

Word count: ~4k

Story summary: Roman's boyfriends had had a rivalry since before either of them had actually met Roman. Running a bit late to a date night, Roman accidentally gets them to start dating too.

General CW: non-detailed description of an anxiety attack, non-detailed description of physical pain, food, kissing, potentially triggering descriptions of physical bodies, swearing, caps lock, school settings, s-xual innuendos, slight description of gore(imagery), vague descriptions of anxiety, Implications of an eating disorder, fatigue, dissociation, suppression of stimming, implied heavy restriction (ED), inner monologue-style anxiety description, eating, (will be added to as I write more)

Chapter CW: Implications of an eating disorder, fatigue, dissociation, suppression of stimming, vague description of an anxiety attack, implied heavy restriction (ED), school setting, inner monologue-style anxiety description, food mention, eating, (let me know if i missed anything please!)

Author notes: <<>>

...

Logan did not know what to do with himself. The past week had thrown him off his figurative rhythm far more than he could have possibly anticipated.

First, a lead actor who he'd already been trying his best not to look at - with his accursed pretty hair and handsome face and big muscles - decided to attempt to court him? Logan felt mocked. There is no conceivable possibility that such a beautiful - and might he add, quite pompous and bothersome - man would have any sort of real interest in him, romantically or sexually. He shuddered slightly. He really should have taken the apple his roommate had offered him for breakfast that morning, but it was too late now.

And wouldn't you know, just a week later, a - dare he say - equally pretty man with mesmerizing blonde curls and a cheeky smile takes an interest in him at his own school . After years and years of having never been asked out, no one having taken an even remote interest in him, not one second glance, Logan had two men asking after him in the span of a single week. Men who he found atrociously gorgeous, in fact. Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, glasses riding up his forehead a bit.

This alone would have been enough. But he just had to go into that little sewing shop for his dear friend Patton's birthday present, and that boy with the purple bangs who stumbled over his words and his feet was completely and undeniably flustered by Logan's presence. Perhaps he was simply experiencing an ego boost from his two previous encounters that week with pretty men, but he felt that the attraction the boy seemed to have for him was unmistakable.

And now here he was, pacing down the sidewalk toward the library, headed off to meet - Janus, if he recalled correctly - for their first study session. He didn't know what the hell he'd been thinking when he asked to meet Janus again, the very next day no less... perhaps he felt the need to seize the moment while it was present, or however the saying goes. Regardless, while his actions had been quite uncharacteristically spontaneous, he saw no logical purpose in redacting his decision; Janus seemed to be an individual with plentiful intellect, and studying with fellow students had generally proved to be a beneficial tactic in Logan's (albeit minimal) experience and (far less minimal) research. Meeting with Janus, even if it wound up simply being this once, should be no different.

Logan avidly ignored any simmering feelings that he wanted something more than to spend time with Janus just this once.

He was shaken from his thoughts when his phone started ringing in his pocket. He examined the screen, noting the time - 2:49 PM, he wasn't late for his engagement with Janus just yet - as he checked who was calling. It was an unknown number, but the area code was local. Logan frowned, pressing the answer button.

"Greetings, Logan Lattimer speaking."

-

Virgil was kind of panicking.

His boyfriends each happened to meet this super-cute space-nerd guy in the span of a week, and the second they'd talked to him they were all heart-eyes. Not that Virgil was complaining; the guy sounded really cute.

He knew first hand now, that he was in fact super cute . That was the problem.

Virgil's lunch break came and went, most of which he spent gnawing vaguely at a sandwich and staring anxiously at the contact card that had been in Logan's wallet. It simply had his full name and phone number on it, nothing else. He tapped it on the desk in front of him, glancing between the numbers and his own phone, set face-up beside his elbow.

And then his lunch break had ended, and he had several more hours of worrying before he had to convince himself to call Logan.

Something occurred to him, during those hours. Should he tell his boyfriends?

What would he even say? There wasn't much to tell, at least not that warranted calling them before he got home. If he was going to make any calls, there was one he was under obligation to make first. And if he were to seek comfort in them for his obligation, what would they say?

Roman was probably the lesser option; he'd been whining about Logan all week, and now that he knew Janus was meeting with him again today, tensions were especially high. He'd be no help whatsoever, Virgil was sure of it.

And speaking of Janus meeting Logan again today... that also meant no. Calling your boyfriend who was about to see the guy you were nervous to call made the situation all kinds of awkward. No, everything would be easier if he'd simply call him.

So, shaking his shoulders out a bit, he did. He stepped into the break room, grabbed his phone and the contact card, and dialed the number.

His thumb hovered over the call button for a few seconds too long. He cursed under his breath and looked away as he pressed it, bringing the phone to his ear. it rang twice, and then a slight static preceded a familiar voice.

"Greetings, Logan Lattimer speaking."

Virgil was glad he'd drew in a breath to hold when he'd pressed the call button, because he wasn't sure he could recall how to breathe properly.

"Hey, this is Virgil, um, from the knitting supply shop? Uh, you kinda left your wallet here..." Virgil managed to cough, voice not breaking as much as it could have. His chest felt cold and constricted, and he wrapped one arm around himself to fight off the burn of the icy spears stabbing through his lungs.

"Ah, hello Virgil. I am currently on my way to a separate engagement, however it should not take long. At what time would it be acceptable for me to return to your place of business to retrieve my belongings?"

"Oh, uh- I'll be here till four," Virgil stuttered a bit, surprised at how fast Logan jumped to planning mode, as well as realizing he knew the precise nature of the so-called separate engagement Logan was about to attend.

"That is adequate. I will make sufficient efforts to arrive before that time. See you then."

With that, the line disconnected, and Virgil was overwhelmed by the eerie silence of the break room. He glanced at a half-empty box of donuts their manager had brought in yesterday.

He could have said that the shop actually closed at six, and that Logan could get his wallet from Emile, but his train of thought hadn’t been screwed on properly when he’d been speaking, so he could grant himself a little slack- wait, he was mixing his metaphors now...

Suddenly, the door swung open, Emile peeking out from behind it.

"Virgil, could you get back out here? We've got a little rush," and he ducked out, gone as quickly as he’d arrived.

Virgil sighed, shuddering away his anxieties, grabbing a donut hole and popping it into his mouth before heading out to join his colleague.

-

Janus was sitting at a table set between the rows of shelves, reading pensively beneath a subtle desk lamp where Logan found him. He glanced up and smiled gently when Logan arrived, who set his things down beside a chair opposite from Janus'.

"Apologies, Janus, but I must cut our studying session short in about 45 minutes - i left my wallet at a nearby shop this morning, and must retrieve it before 4pm." Janus' eyes sparked with something Logan couldn't place, and he hid a smirk behind steepled gloved fingers. Logan gulped imperceptibly. "Perhaps we can set up another time to study as well- um, to make up for it, I mean?" He rushed his words out in a short breath, running his fingers through his hair to collect himself. Janus' smirk broadened very slightly, and Logan found himself watching the lines of Janus’ face as they shifted.

"It would be my pleasure." Janus averted his eyes for a moment, eyebrows furrowing slightly as he thought. “Perhaps we should exchange information, so that I might- so that we can settle on a proper time for another engagement.” Janus reached into his inner coat pocket, producing his phone and tapping away for a moment, before passing it to Logan. He took it carefully, recognizing a blank contact screen, and quickly entering his information into it. He handed the phone back to Janus with a tight smile, and Janus returned it, sliding his phone back into the same pocket before resettling himself in his seat more properly.

Janus set aside his book to pull out a few textbooks for their critical thinking class. "If we are cutting our study session that precisely short, that would provide me with a chance to surprise-" He faltered for a moment, tone changing, though it was so subtle Logan almost thought he'd imagined it - "a friend of mine after his shift. Now, where did your class get to in the lecture today?" He started thumbing through the pages of a particularly thick but small book, holding it by the spine with one hand.

"Ah... Professor Cauley was stopped short on page 461 when he became distracted with his electric pencil sharpener malfunctioning, and class ended a few moments later. He did inform us that the other class had made it to page 465, so if you need me to catch up to you, it should only take me a few minutes." Logan was rifling through the pages of his textbook intently, not noticing Janus' surprised expression.

Janus reached a hand out, cautiously setting his hand on Logan's wrist, just beneath his wristwatch. "Don't fret," he breathed, "it appears we share the same class period. If I recall correctly, Professor Cauley’s face went positively red with rage, and he nearly broke the poor sharpener worse as he tried to unjam it." Janus chuckled shyly through his words as Logan met his eyes, smiling after a moment.

“Fascinating. I wonder how I have not noticed you in class before?” Logan tilted his head very slightly, and noticed something swimming warmly in Janus’ eyes. They were quite a very lovely golden brown, he thought.

Janus shifted, looking down to adjust his own texts, but the smirk that was growing less snarky by the second never left his lips. “It is a rather large class. It can be easy to lose faces in the crowd. I’m not sure I can pick out more than three people with whom I share that  class if they were to pass me in the halls. But no matter.” Janus glanced at Logan’s textbook and notes, readying his pencil. “Shall we begin?”

-

Logan was talking animatedly as he hunched himself over his notes, Janus glancing up to watch his face behind its shield of deep brown bangs intermittently as he scribbled in his own notebook to (at least attempt to) keep up. Janus’ gaze was averted, however, when a repetitive chime sounded from Logan’s phone, sitting face down on the desk just beside his right forearm. He stopped mid-sentence, adjusting his posture and picking his phone up, flipping it over to view the screen. He sighed, deflating slightly, as he tapped the screen once, setting the phone back down.

“My apologies, Janus, but it appears that it is time for me to depart.” Logan stood, a colder, sharper version of himself taking the place of the one that holds a deep passion for learning. The beautiful ice crystal, despite its beauty, is still the twin of the icy shards that cut sharper than knives or spears, Janus thought.

Janus stood swiftly, joining Logan in his gathering of his personal belongings, shoveling his own texts into his own bag. “It is quite alright, I assure you, Logan.” They met eyes as Janus spoke Logan’s name, and Janus could swear he saw a subtle, blotchy pink settle in Logan’s cheeks. “I’ll be headed down Main Street, then. Perhaps-” Logan cleared his throat, glaring down and to the side at nothing in particular as he retried his statement. “I will be expecting to hear from you, Janus.” They walked side by side out the front of the library, stopping just past the doors to say their goodbyes. But Janus had a small realization, and felt the creeping suspicion crawling its way up his sides returning. He resisted the urge to shake or twitch it away, grinding his teeth a bit.

Instead of continuing to suppress his stimming, he cleared his throat, speaking to Logan. "I am headed down Main Street as well. I hope it is not out of- I hope that it isn’t inappropriate for me to ask, but...will you allow me to accompany you?" Janus asked, nearly moving to offer his arm to Logan, but deciding quickly that that was far too forward. He settled on spreading an arm out, gesturing to the concrete path before them that led to the sidewalk.

Logan offered a small smile. "That would be adequate, and not inappropriate in the slightest. I, I would enjoy your company.” A beat of silence, and Logan cleared his throat. “Just this way," and Logan set off, at an impressively brisk pace that Janus nearly had a hard time keeping up with, having been caught off guard.

They walked in stride with one another as they made their way down the street. Janus became increasingly suspicious of the scenario the closer they got to the sewing shop. From what he knew of Logan's situation, there was no conflicting evidence that would disqualify the possibility that Logan was headed, in fact, toward Virgil's workplace. Janus held his breath when they turned onto the very same block, watching Logan's body language soften as they did.

Janus took a deep breath, glancing at the sign of the sewing shop a pace or two ahead.

"Logan, there's something I wish to discuss with-"

Janus glanced at the sewing shop's sign once more as they passed, but didn't move to stop before the door until he realized Logan had done so, standing a bit stiff a few paces back.

"This would be the establishment I spoke of," Logan's eyes looked a bit hazed, vaguely pointed towards the door handle. He seemed not to have heard Janus’ beginnings of a confession. Janus’ eyebrow quirked ever so slightly.

"Interesting," he breathed quietly, and Logan met his eyes then. "Allow me." Janus reached a gloved hand out to open the door for Logan, bowing slightly as he held it open.

"Much appreciated," Logan commented, stepping through the doorway smoothly.

-

Virgil was sitting slouched behind the counter, typing random numbers into the cash register out of boredom. He was half considering going to bother Emile, but he was busy doing inventory. And besides, Virgil needed to stay behind the register in case any customers came in. One person behind the counter at all times, that was the rule. He sighed, bringing his hand to his face and tapping on the tip of his nose absentmindedly.

The bell chimed, and Virgil looked up from behind his mop of purple hair. His heart gave a few beats a bit harder than usual, and he felt his throat constrict slightly.

There was Logan again. And the whole rest of the world became background noise.

The line of Logan's mouth widened, creating a crease or two on each side. Virgil realized that not only was he staring at Logan's lips, but as well that Logan was smiling. At him.

"Hello, Virgil," He spoke softly.

"Hi," Virgil practically coughed, the scratch in his throat making it borderline painful to speak. "H-how was your, your day?" Virgil asked, pursing his lips as soon as his words had left them.

Logan inhaled, raising his eyebrows and averting his eyes from Virgil's intense brown ones. "It has been satisfactory." The door chimed again behind Logan as it shut, and Virgil suddenly recognized that there was another person in the room. A person whose presence felt immediately familiar...

"Ah, my apologies," Logan stepped to the side slightly, allowing the person to come into full view. There, with a small sheepish smile, stood Janus. "Allow me to introduce-"

"Logan, dear, that won't be necessary," Janus rested a gentle gloved hand on Logan's shoulder, and Virgil couldn't tell if he was about to pass out from gay panic or just regular panic. "We are... quite well acquainted." Janus smiled tenderly to Virgil, and Virgil's whirring brain slowed if only slightly. He was safe.

…but… was he though?

-

"Oh, is this the friend you spoke of earlier, whom you meant to come and meet? How coincidental, that we were on our way to meet the same person without either of us having any prior knowledge of it." Logan was caught up in his fascination so much that he did not notice Virgil beginning to hyperventilate, knuckles white as he gripped the counter, or the way Janus was watching, practically frozen.

But, as Logan's commentary came to a close, it was as though a flip switched inside Janus’ mind, and he quickly strode around Logan. He stepped quickly behind the counter and over to Virgil, all while nearly whispering little nothings like "oh oh oh," "hush now love," and "come here dear."

Logan's brain took a moment to catch up, and soon he was simply standing there, watching as Virgil clung to Janus' coat rather desperately. Virgil’s body shuddered in silent sobs as Janus wrapped his arms around him, tight and secure. Janus was still whispering to him, but it was inaudible to Logan now.

Logan didn't quite know what to do, and so he just stood there, feeling rather stuck for a long time. At some point, he set his backpack and the gift bag he'd gotten from this very store earlier that day down against the counter on the floor, folding his hands before him. At some point, he registered Janus giving him an apologetic look, which confused him.

And then Janus kissed Virgil on the forehead, pulling back slightly to look him in the eyes. Logan thought from the way Janus was nodding softly and the way their chests moved together, that they may be doing a breathing exercise. He couldn't focus on much else, so he tried to follow along and copy them as well. 4, 7, 8. 4, 7, 8.

Sooner than later, Janus was leading Virgil carefully back out around the counter, both looking slightly worse for wear, but at least Virgil was far calmer. Janus smiled meekly at Logan again, and he still couldn't quite understand what was happening. It appeared that Virgil had had an anxiety attack, but the way Janus had rushed to comfort him so quickly, the way he seemed to know exactly what to do-

"Here you go, Logan," Virgil's voice was a bit scratchy as he reached out his hand, Logan's familiar black leather wallet between his pale fingers. Logan cleared his throat.

"Thank you," He spoke a bit more quietly than he meant to. He suddenly felt his headache flare again in full force, and had to fight not to shake as he reached his hand out to retrieve his wallet from Virgil's hands. He barely succeeded, but Virgil seemed to notice something amiss - he was watching Logan's wary eyes with some mix of suspicion and concern.

Janus, however, had been staring at the floor, and did not notice Logan's onset of fatigue. He sighed, clearing his throat softly. "Logan, I suppose you deserve some kind of explanation. One I tried to give before we’d come in, but regardless." Suddenly Virgil's eyes were on Janus, and far wider than Logan thought possible. Janus just glanced at him, nodding gently, and Virgil's shoulders visibly relaxed. "Virgil and I are..."

Janus laced their fingers together, and Logan's vision went blurry, everything around him fading to static fuzz as he tried to remember to breathe. He'd eaten more than enough today for this to be happening, surely? ...Had he eaten today? He couldn’t recall. He could always remember ... He vaguely registered Janus still speaking in the background, but he couldn't care enough to force himself to refocus. He got the jist. He and Virgil were romantically involved, and Janus was interested in nothing more than a friendship with Logan. That was perfectly fine. He didn't mind. He forced away the roiling feeling in his gut and gulped down the sting starting to tingle in his eyes, forcing himself to nod.

"Understood," He blurted, voice a bit raspy. He turned toward the door, reaching for the handle. Before he fully exited, he threw over his shoulder, "I look forward to seeing you later this week, Janus. And thank you again, Virgil." And with that, he was gone.

He made his way down the block briskly, trying to shake the haze that clouded his vision. The only thing he could think to do was go and see Patton. He knew nothing worked magic on his body like a good black coffee.

-

"Virgil and I are..." Virgil looked down as Janus laced their fingers together, and looked back to Logan, whose face seemed to have gone paler than it normally was, which was quite horrifying to see. Considering Logan was already so white that his skin tone bordered on inhuman, now it was devoid of any pricks of red coloring and looked almost like an empty tinted gray, pronouncing his cheekbones and eye bags even more so. Janus looked between them, continuing after a moment, "...we have been romantically involved for several years now, and even longer with our partner Roman, who you may recall from the community theatre? He's expressed to us that he's quite taken with you, in fact... And I know this may be a lot to spring on you right now, but I thought you deserved to know... it felt wrong to pursue anything with you romantically when we- when you didn't have the facts straight, and even regardless, it's important for you to know that all three of us are-"

"Understood," Logan cut Janus off, nodding. He didn't speak harshly, in fact his voice was quite quiet, but it was curt and forward as Logan always was, and so cut through Janus' words like a frozen blade.

Janus looked at him in awe, and opened his mouth to speak, but Virgil gripped his arm before he did. Logan was already at the door. He glanced over his shoulder, but didn’t really look at either of them. "I look forward to seeing you later this week, Janus. And thank you again, Virgil." Janus and Virgil watched as Logan walked out the door and straight down the sidewalk through the shop window.

Emile, who apparently had been standing there for at least a few moments, cleared his throat awkwardly. Janus and Virgil looked at him in unison, matching exasperated looks on their faces.

"U-um, Virgil, I was just gonna check in, see if you've clocked off." Emile wrung his wrists between his fingers awkwardly.

"Um, no not yet," Virgil bit the corner of his lip, muttering a 'sorry' as he stepped past Emile and paced quickly to the back room to clock off. Janus stared blankly at the floor where his boyfriend had just been, eyebrows knit in thought.

"You feeling a-okay there, Janus?" Emile dipped his head a bit to get Janus' attention gently. Janus blinked a few times, engaging with Emile as he re-centered himself in the present moment.

"Yes, Emile, I'm fine, thank you," Janus rubbed his gloved palm with his thumb anxiously. He couldn't think of anything to add, so Emile smiled carefully, nodding and stepping away to resume whatever busywork he needed to attend to.

Virgil was back again shortly, his backpack slung over his shoulder. He gave Janus a strange look, some kind of combination of pity and sadness and confusion. At least, that's how it looked to Janus.

"Ready to...?" Virgil gestured vaguely towards the door, leaning into Janus' personal space a bit. Janus offered him his arm, clearing his throat and holding his chin high.

"Yes, love. Let's get home to Roman."

As they walked to the bus stop together, neither had any clue what they’d say to their Prince. He’d be distraught, they were both sure, and significantly more so than he already was, which would be… intense. Janus squeezed Virgil’s hand in his own slightly, and smiled somberly at him sideways.

They’d figure this out. They always did, eventually.

Janus took his time on the bus typing out a message to Logan, Virgil watching from the seat beside him as his head laid on Janus’ shoulder. Janus settled on something simple.

To: Logan L It's Janus. I'd love to meet up to study, or perhaps discuss other things, some time this week. Let me know if Thursday or Friday works better for you.

[missmentelle]

What To Do When a Loved One is Dating an Abuser

There are few things as frustrating and as heartbreaking as watching someone you care about stay in a long-term abusive relationship. The red flags may be obvious to everyone in your loved one’s life - blinding, even - but for some reason, your loved one just can’t or won’t see them for what they are. There are always excuses for bad behaviour, always unconvincing explanations for suspicious injuries, always hollow assurances that things aren’t as bad as they seem. 

When someone we care about is in an abusive relationship, our first instinct is often to try to rescue them. We want to finally break through to them and make them see that their relationship is terrible and that they deserve so much better. If all else fails, we want to throw them in our car and drive them so far away that their abuser can never find them again. Or we may have no idea how to bring up the situation with our friend - talking about abuse is uncomfortable, and you may have no idea how to even begin that conversation. Being a third party to an abusive relationship is a horrible situation to be in, and you may find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, uncertainty and concern for your friend. 

Fortunately, there are some important steps that you can take to support your loved one and help them to build a safer life for themselves, like:

Don’t try to force them to leave. The first thing that most people want to say when they hear about an abusive relationship is “Leave! Dump them! Break up with them right now!��. But coming on that strong is a mistake. The victim has to be the one to make the decision to leave, and they need to be completely committed to leaving - when a victim caves into pressure from family and friends and leaves an abusive relationship before they’re ready, they are at extremely high risk of returning to the relationship, and repeatedly leaving and getting back together with an abusive partner is very dangerous. And if your friend isn’t ready to leave yet, you telling them to leave may push them away from you, leaving them with less support. There are steps you can take to help them reach the conclusion that leaving is necessary - and I’ll explain what those steps are - but pestering or commanding them to leave is not helpful. 

Emphasize that they are capable of making their own choices and that you will be there for them no matter what they decide to do. One of the biggest barriers that victims face in leaving abusive relationships is that their partner has destroyed their confidence in their own decision-making abilities. They are used to being told that they are irrational, stupid, incompetent, and that they can’t be trusted to make the right choices. They may not trust their own judgement, and believe that they are “overreacting” to their partner’s mistreatment - after all, they are used to being harshly criticized and having to second-guess themselves. One of the best things you can do for a victim of domestic violence is to restore their confidence in their ability to make decisions for themselves and feel good about those decisions. Remind your friend that they are smart and capable, and that you wholeheartedly support their ability to make their own choices. True recovery from abuse does not mean that the victim stops taking orders from their abuser and starts taking orders from their friends - true recovery means regaining the autonomy to decide for themselves. 

Avoid bashing their partner. I know it’s tempting to want to let your friend know what a horrible, lazy, abusive piece of shit their partner is. Don’t. People tend to view their partners as an extension of themselves - when you tell someone that their partner is garbage, what they hear is “I think you’re the kind of person who chooses to date garbage”. It puts them in a position where they feel like they need to defend their partner and their dating choices, and ultimately pushes them closer to their partner and further away from you. 

Focus on feelings, not labels. A lot of victims struggle with the word “abusive”. They don’t want to think of themselves as someone ended up in an abusive relationship - there’s a lot of stigma attached to that idea - and so they might push back hard if you try to force that idea on them, making them more defensive and less likely to leave. Don’t worry about the word “abuse” for now - your loved one doesn’t actually need to acknowledge that the relationship is abusive in order to leave it. They just need to realize that they aren’t happy. When a friend brings up something potentially (or definitely) abusive that their partner did to them, don’t rush to label it - instead, ask them about how that incident made them feel. Validate those feelings. When they say “it really scares me when my partner starts throwing things around”, don’t say “throwing things is on the abuse checklist” - say “Oh wow, that does sound really scary. Do they do that a lot? How are you coping with that? That doesn’t sound like something that should happen in a relationship at all. Are there any other times that your partner scares you?”. Encourage your friend to think critically about the relationship, their feelings, and what they want in a partner - help them contextualize their relationship and recognize that their experiences aren’t “normal”, and they can arrive at the conclusion that it’s abusive in their own time. 

Keep your relationship with them positive. Having conversations about the abuse you’re experiencing is exhausting, and if every interaction you have with your friend turns into a long lecture about how they need to leave the relationship, they might grow distant from you. If they want to talk about the relationship every time they see you, that’s great, but don’t try to drag information out of them if they don’t feel up to talking. Even if you’re having heavy conversations with them, it’s okay to try to keep things positive - compliment them, remind them of their strengths, remind them how much you care about them. Keep your tone thoughtful and concerned, but not preachy. There may be times when they just want lighthearted distractions from their situation, and that’s okay too.

Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they deserve better. Victims often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that they are causing their partner’s abuse or bringing it on themselves - something along the lines of “they wouldn’t have to get so angry with me if I didn’t screw up so much”. Let your friend know that the abuse isn’t their fault and that they didn’t do anything to cause it. Remind them that adults are expected to behave like adults even when they are upset, and that there are no excuses for their partner’s behaviour - they deserve to be with someone who treats them with respect and can manage their emotions like a rational, mature adult. 

Avoid shaming and blaming. Sometimes friends and family members will try to take on a “tough love” approach to getting their loved one out of the abusive relationship, and it’s profoundly unhelpful. They’ll say things like “if you stay, you’re choosing to be treated this way” and “I can’t watch you mess up your own life like this”, or even “your partner is going to kill you one day, is that what you want?”. It’s meant to try to shock or scare the victim into leaving - in reality, though, it just makes the victim feel even more worthless, and it makes them feel like a burden to the people who should be their greatest source of support.  

Encourage safety planning. It could take months or even years for a victim to decide that they are ready to escape - instead of trying to rush that timeline, start by simply encouraging the victim to start thinking about their physical safety. A safety plan is not necessarily a plan to leave the relationship; it’s a plan to prevent or minimize violence and protect yourself from physical harm, so that you’ll have the option to leave the relationship when you’re ready. Let your friend know that you’re worried about their safety, and that you’d really like to help them brainstorm some ways that they can keep themselves out of harm’s way. Offer assistance if you can. A safety plan should always be tailored to the victim’s individual situation, and should involve planning for common triggers and early warning signs of violence. If your friend knows that violence is likely when their partner comes home drunk, for instance, you could make a plan for your friend to leave their home whenever that happens and come stay at your place until their partner sobers up. Work with them to plan for their unique circumstances, and check the internet for online safety planning resources. 

Offer resources, but don’t push them. Almost every city and town has some form of help available for victims of domestic violence - there are hotlines, shelters, victim services agencies, counselling centres, etc. Resources are great, but not if you’re dumping a bunch of unwanted pamphlets in your friend’s lap that they didn’t ask for. Again, survivor autonomy is key here - your friend is the expert in their own situation, and they get to make the decision about when (or whether) to access resources. You also need to remember that accessing resources - or even getting caught researching resources - could be very dangerous for your friend, and it’s important that you let them take the lead on deciding what is safe for them to access. If you want to offer resources, do it gently - if you’re having a conversation where they seem to be acknowledging that things in their relationship aren’t great, you can say, “hey, would it be okay if we researched some resources together? What do you think would be helpful for you? What are you comfortable with, and how can I support you?”

Make open-ended offers of support. Make it very clear to your friend that your door is always open to them, and that they can call you anytime they need help. They need to know that it doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken in six months and it’s the middle of the night - you will come pick them up, give them a place to stay, take them to the hospital, or give them any other kinds of support you’re able to offer. Abusers often succeed at keeping their victims trapped through isolation; they will prevent their victim from seeing or speaking to friends for so long that the friendship deteriorates, so by the time the victim is ready to leave, they have nowhere to go and no one to offer the kinds of material or moral support that they need to leave the relationship. Make sure your friend knows that you’ll still be there for them even if you lose contact for months or a couple of years, and that they never need to feel weird about turning to you for help whenever they need it. 

Be patient. It often takes several dozen instances of abuse before a victim acknowledges that the relationship is abusive, and the average abused woman (there are currently no statistics on men) attempts to leave seven times before successfully escaping the relationship. Leaving is a process, and victims need friends and family members in their lives who understand this. Many victims end up losing their support system when loved ones become frustrated with how long it’s taking for them to leave; if you are supporting a domestic violence victim, it’s important to have a realistic sense of how long it can take to safely and permanently exit an abusive relationship, and manage your expectations accordingly. 

If you are supporting a loved one in an abusive relationship, it’s also important that you take good care of yourself. The feelings of fear, worry and powerlessness that you experience when you watch a loved one struggle with abuse can be overwhelming, and you need to make sure that you are maintaining your own mental health while you are helping someone else. Take breaks. Talk to friends. Spend time on your hobbies. Eat good food and get exercise. If you’re feeling frustrated with the situation - and it’s absolutely valid to be frustrated - channel your feelings into art, journalling or anything else that helps you work through it. If you are feeling lost, you can contact a domestic violence resource center or hotline - they can give you tips for how to help your friend. 

If your friend is okay with it, it would also be helpful if you joined forces with at least one of their other friends or family members to help support them. Knowing that there’s at least one other person who can be there for your loved one and pick up the phone if you’re unavailable can take a huge amount of stress off your shoulders. Feeling like you are the only thing standing between a loved one and serious harm at the hands of their partner is a hugely stressful situation to be in - when you build a team of supportive people around the abused person, that person has a lot more support at their disposal, and you get to avoid burning out. 

It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not easy to help someone leave. But with the right support, you can help your loved one achieve a safe, abuse-free future. 

[todoshotoki]

𝙋𝘼𝙄𝙍𝙄𝙉𝙂: todoroki shoto x reader

𝙏𝙍𝙄𝙂𝙂𝙀𝙍 𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂: mentions of anxiety, anxiety attacks, mentions of past abuse, thoughts of suicide

𝙎𝙐𝙈𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙔: where your sweet sixteen isn’t as sweet as you thought it’d be

𝙒𝙊𝙍𝘿 𝘾𝙊𝙐𝙉𝙏: 2.6K

𝘼𝙐𝙏𝙃𝙊𝙍'𝙎 𝙉𝙊𝙏𝙀: these are my raw emotions from last night and i wrote this to cope. these situations are very much real to me and what happened to me the day before posting this so please be kind about it. i’m still trying to recover.

you were turning sixteen. the day you had been anticipating had finally come and you could barely sleep the night before.

your parents had offered your boyfriend, shoto todoroki, to accompany you for breakfast to celebrate your birthday. he, of course, accepted and pushed everything else that he had to attend to on that morning for you.

you got up early, dancing and skipping around your dorm room while picking out clothes. you had clothes you had never worn since you bought them and you were ready to show the world that you had been confident enough to wear them. you were humming while doing your makeup when three knocks were heard from your door.

you stop contouring your cheeks to get the door. your lover was standing at your door with a small bag in hand, presumably a gift. “happy birthday, (y/n),” he pecks you on the cheek and pulls you into a hug.

“thank you, sho, you’re so sweet,” this makes the boy’s eyes light up as he had passed the gift onto you. you had known how much he was trying to be more openly emotional so little phrases like that were sure to make him happy. “should i open it now or later?” you ask him, sitting back down at your vanity.

“you can open it now if you want. i personally think it would go well with what you’re wearing.” he says, giving you a hint as to what it could possibly be. you spare him a smile before unraveling the decorative paper to take out a black small box with a red and white bow on it.

you grinned at the little detail and untied the bow. you lifted the lid of the box with a gasp and took out the expensive earrings you and shoto had seen while window shopping in shibuya a few weeks back. he remembered you looking at it and wanting to buy it but taking a glance at the price and turning away almost immediately.

“you didn’t!” you swoon over the accessory, holding it up in the air. a subtle smile curled up on shoto’s lips as he saw you try them on. and they did in fact match what you wearing. you turn to him and give him yet another hug which was just as warm as the first, “thank you so much!”

“anything for you, baby,” his grin becoming wider, completely feeding off the praise you were giving him. “i’ll finish my makeup and we’ll be out of here, hold on,” you spin back around to look at the mirror.

the two of you soon head out the door to the common room. it was still rather early so only the early birds were up. “(y/n)-chan, hey! happy birthday!” izuku waves to you from his place on the couch next to tenya. “yes, happy birthday, (y/n)! i hope you two have fun and stay safe!” tenya calls right afterward. “thanks, you guys!” you call back before stepping into the elevator with your boyfriend.

“are you as excited as i am?” you ask shoto, rocking your body from your toes to your heels as the doors close. “more like nervous,” he sighs, scratching the back of his neck. “don’t worry, you’ll be fine! they loved you the first time and they’ll definitely still like you this time.”

you two walk out to the more populated areas in musutafu. you were meeting up at an american style diner and shouto had a bad of picky eating so you had chosen here on purpose. at first, he wanted whine and protest but you had brought up the point that “if you two were going to be dating then he couldn’t just live off of soba.”

once you had spotted your parents, you caught on quickly to the fact that they didn’t bring anything as a present. you ignored it, maybe it would show up later...

“(y/n)! shoto-kun! you’re finally here.” your mother clasped her hands in excitement. your parents were seated at a booth and the waiter must have did her round and asked if they wanted any drinks so there were two glasses of water in front of you.

“hi, mom! hi, dad!” you sat down closest to the window while shoo bowed in greetings to your parents before sitting down.

your parents continued to make small talk varying between the food and your school life. the whole time you were smiling, this year was so much different from the others.

your parents weren’t huge fans of celebrating birthdays and often treated them like normal days besides a gift so going out today was definitely a change of atmosphere.

“americans eat a lot, no wonder, (y/n) picked this place.” this remark from your mother made your smile falter a little bit but not too noticeably as you fiddled with your straw. shoto had scowled at the woman, but calmed down and started a conversation just between you and him.

once you all had finished eating, your dad got up and said, “well, i’m going back to work,” your raise an eyebrow, “already?” your smile almost faded this time. “i have to go run errands as well,” your mother says trailing behind your dad to head to her car.

“but-” you cut yourself short, sighing a bit to yourself, you were planning to take pictures with all three of them but your parents just rushed to disappear from this event completely. they hadn’t even thought to buy you a birthday present.

“don’t be upset, i’m here,” shoto caresses your cheeks knowingly, “we can go shopping if you’d like?” you shake your head at this. “it’s okay, sho,” your eyes dart away from his gaze of white and blue, “i’m not going to let it get to me. plus you have spent way too much money.” you say referring to the earrings that were dangling at the side of your cheeks.

“well, i could always use my dad’s card,” he wiggles his eyebrows uncharacteristically making you chuckle and hit him playfully. “pfft- no! let’s go back to the dorms.” he caved in, muttering some nonsense about wanting to make his father bankrupt which you just shake your head to.

you walked to the train station and took the first train back to u.a. amidst the train ride, you had gotten a message. it was one of many. it was an unsaved number and you assumed that it was was one of your old friends from middle school or something. you opened up the chat log.

the texts and calls all day had made you happy. people actually cared about you?

you checked the suggested name and your heart sunk so low in your stomach that you swore you were suddenly falling. you felt your blood begin to pump in your ears.

you felt a hand on your’s to which you flinched to. “hey, what is it?” shoto whispers, massaging your hand with his thumb, he didn’t want to peer at your phone for the sake of privacy. you just shook your head and shut off your phone. with trembling fingers and jagged breathing, you had put the phone in your bag.

you were not okay.

you were definitely not okay.

how could they do that to you? how could they do that so easily?

“i’ll be fine shoto, there’s nothing to worry about,” the use of his full name and the harshness in it made him looked like he had been kicked. his gaze almost made you want to crumble. it made your heart sink further and further and your nerves started to flare up again.

how could you possibly explain this to shoto?

oh, my abusive ex, just wished me happy birthday so i’m flipping out even though i haven’t seen them in two years and i still haven't recovered cause i haven't been treated or medicated for the trauma because my parents refuse to???

yeah right.

you became nauseous as the train movement was pushing you to the edge. everything they had done to you was manifesting once again and the shock was slowly spreading and decaying each and every one of your abilities to function. 

your muscles in your face felt heavy. you were aware every ounce in your body and how much effort it took to lug it around.

you were supposed to be happy today. it was your day.

what seemed to be something had just turned into nothing in the matter of moments. who knew a two letter phrase could fuck you up so easily.

you talked a lot with shoto for the remainder of the time left. you held his hand but you couldn’t feel your fingers, the buzzing of disassociating completely was crawling up on you and you wanted nothing but to scream.

it’s okay. you still got the cake, right? everyone in class 1a would love to share cake with you and shoto. you haven’t had a celebration with cake in so long that it became your only hope at this point.

but a part of you knew that this was another way of your brain coping with the stress. nobody had bought the cake for you. nobody had bough the candles for you. nobody had noticed it was your birthday until you took the initiative to tell them the day before. you were all doing this because nobody actually ca-

don’t think about that.

it was your birthday.

you were happy. you were happy.

your forced a smile on your lips as you trudged along the sidewalk to the dorms. everything was so heavy. you set it aside as the lack of sleep you were getting. you had to put more concealer under your eyelids this morning to cover up the dark circles.

it was that it was definitely that.

...

as the day drew to a close, you were still in your room from when you arrived at noon. you sat in your bed alone. you couldn’t bring the courage to ask your classmates to join you anymore.

you had kicked your sheets off your bed, blasting the air conditioning and sat upright to just feel something. 

you wanted to tear your skin a part, you wanted to shred every emotion you felt right now into shreds. the pulsating agony of the thoughts that nobody cared just triggered tears to well up in your eyes.

the stupid birthday cake.

you had built a realty that you wanted to come true but it was always to good to be true for you, wasn't it?

yes, you had gotten birthday wishes but your parents seemed like everything to you. they criticized and nagged you for things you took pride and joy in. they told you over and over that you were eating too much, too little, talking too loud, too much.

everything was wrong with you and if everything was wrong with you then they were all pretending.

they didn’t care. they never cared.

that’s why you sat there lighting your own dumb ass store bought cake with cheap ass flavorless frosting and spongy cake batter.

what were you trying to prove to yourself?

were you trying to prove that you were mentally stable? that you had people in your corner? let me tell you that was delusional thinking.

crying yourself to sleep on your birthday wasn’t something that you had thought would happen. it was supposed to be special. it was supposed to be different.

it was the first year where you thought you had friends and you weren’t being yelled at and hurt but even then nothing had changed. the ghost of trauma still loomed over your head.

nobody believed you, nobody would ever believe you, you had no bruises to show for it, no broken bones, just a twisted up mentality.

“sho...,” you whimper as the shivering wouldn’t ever stop. you felt your eyes well up in tears and just let them silently cascade down your face.

they looked so disinterested. they all could care less.

a few knocks at your door. “hey, (y/n)?” you heard softly at your door. it was izuku.

you didn’t want to answer. you bit down on your lip so the sobs wouldn’t start up again. it soon became almost too much as your chest tightened.

you covered your mouth as more and more tears streamed down your face and your body failed to take oxygen into your lungs.

maybe dying wasn’t that bad?

fuck, you were being so overdramatic.

“(y/n), we know you’re there...” another voice calls from your door. this time it was ochako. you still didn’t want to answer.

“just leave me alone,” you gasp out to yourself since you highly doubted that they would be able to hear you.

it hurt so bad being so alone. 

no matter how much time you spent. no matter how much love and affection was thrown your way it all seemed so fake.

another voice, “c’mon, (y/n), if you won’t answer them. can you answer me?” it couldn’t be other than your boyfriend’s. this made you feel torn between just sitting here and going to the door.

your feet carried you to the door. only shoto stood there now looking at the ruined makeup on your cheeks. “baby...” his soft voice was all it took for you to start ugly crying.

sobs and wails escape your lips and he close the door behind him, hushing you as he takes you into his arms. “you’re okay, it’s going to be okay.” he leads you to your bed and helps you lay down next to him.

between the combing through your hair with his fingers and the kisses that he left on your forehead, your anxiety soon slowed.

“listen to me, okay? whatever you’re thinking right now and whatever you’re doubting right now is all untrue. everyone loves you and even if some things didn’t work out, there’s always a next time, remember?” he hums, transferring some of his quirk to his fingertips to ground you a little bit more than just the sheets underneath you two.

“i’ll be okay, right?” you mumble, moving your ear to his beating heart.

“yes, of course, you will. we all have got you.” he hugs you a bit tighter for a moment, “it’s okay to cry. you’ve been through a lot. those feelings are valid and you will be able to conquer them eventually with one step at a time.”

you both laid their in silence intertwined. you inhaled the smell of peppermint from his shirt and finally said something.

“can i tell you something?” you ask him lowly. you could already feel the burning in your throat. “anything you want, sweetheart,” he nods. “well- um- i was mistreated... badly in the past.” you felt your voice start to fade with the words. you cleared your throat and punched your chest to get that choking feeling out.

“i don’t like saying it was this bad out loud because it sounds so stupid but i was manipulated and...” you trailed off into tears as your crying started up again. you felt his body run cold for a moment but he quickly recovered. “it’s okay, it’s okay, don’t worry... you don’t have to explain anything to me right now.”

you nod and sniffle, “okay... then i would like to tell you later,”

“alright, remember, i’m right here and i’ll never leave,” he hums, wiping away your tears, “rikido made a cake for you, do you still want to celebrate?”

this made a smile manifest on your lips, “of course!”

[super-hero-girls-netflix]

Having 2 Superman and still under appreciated XD

What would happen if someone had a ment down?

Hey, nice to hear from you. I'll give you the girls and their counterparts reaction.

Babs-

If Babs were to have a meltdown it would be like when someone is hurt and your not sure how to make them feel better. The team would be fluttering hands and exchanging looks. Or, if it individual, it depends. But they'll comfort her because Babs is the type of person you know needs to be comforted at that moment. Babs would be stiff as a board seconds before the tears, then her whole body will be spasming with all the stress and worry on her. The team(mate) might even bring Babs onto their lap and rock her back and forth.

If Barry were to individually witness Babs meltdown then he'd make sure she was away from the public eye. And then hug her untill she felt better. If she looks stressed and sad enough he might cry with her because he's just so sensitive. Then buy her ice cream and sit and eat with her untill she feels better and up to talking. No rush.

If Babs were to witness someone else having a meltdown she'd immediately take action. If the person is stingy about showing themselves any way but their best then she'd press her back against the friend and wait it out. Might even talk to distract her or calm her down. If they didn't mind it she'll cling to them and console them like crazy because God knows they need it.

Diana-

If Diana were to have a meltdown it would be about something big. Rarely she focuses on her emotions so it'll have to be a bunch of little things on top of that. She'd escape and have her meltdown in private since that is always a priority. But if the girls where to find her, she'd let them stick around. She is not the crying type, she'll simply shake or stare at the wall blankly. Tears don't come easily, at least they never fall. The girl(s) would stick around. They'd braid her hair or tell stories to distract her before she can sink further into panic.

If Steve were to witness Diana's breakdown then she'd send him away because she wouldn't let him see her like that. Then he'd get donuts and wait for her on the other side of the door. Talk about good things. Or aspects of Diana that impresses him.

If Diana were to witness someone having a meltdown she'd be very awkward about it. She'd sit there. Listen to their complaints or fears about themselves. Then, maybe awkwardly, pat the girls back and state her opinion. Internally worrying if she wasn't saying the right thing, she totally was.

Jess-

If Jess were to have a meltdown it would be when she's stuck in a seemingly hopeless situation. Stuck with no way to figure it out. The witness to this will be surprised because she seems fine five minutes ago and it makes them think...was she fine at all? Then they'd panic because Jess was the mom friend. Jess will turn her body away, she doesn't want them to see her. So the girl(s) will just sit there, untill she gets it out if her system. Then wait with her untill she's ready to talk about it. Tying her hair back, even.

If Hal were to witness Jess' meltdown he'd be Hal about it, at first. Say something like 'you sure are not a pretty crier', and when she snaps at him and tries to leave he'll realize how serious it is and help her through it. Just wait her out, because crying is good for you. He'll probably insist she tell him what's wrong and because he's Hal and who cares what he think (Jess' logic) she'll tell him. Then he'll tell her reassuring stuff. He'll probably keep talking even untill after she calms down. It's kind of sweet till he ruins it.

If Jess were to witness one of her teammates have a meltdown she'd be on it immediately. She'll just hug them close and let them cry on her shoulder, she'll rub soothing circles on their back. She'll simply hold them and she's so empathetic she might even cry with them. A ready listener.

Kara-

Kara would rather gouge her eyes out then let anyone see her cry. She's the type to not cry, to scream first. To beat her punching bag to scraps. They would let her do it. Untill she starts breaking the valuables. Then, if it's one or all, they'd hold her hand. And let Kara zone out. Sit with Kara even as Kara stares at a blank wall for hours on end. Then they'd hug her and talk her through it.

If Garth were to see her cry then he'd cry with her. He's a sensitive little bloke, yes he would. Not that she would cry. She'd scream and throw a big fit and then zone out. He'd wait her out and then hug her and assure her that everything will be okay. She doesn't hate with as much as she thought she would.

If Kara were to comfort one of her teammates meltdown she'd just sit with them. Her back against theirs, silent support. She might even tilt her head back and rest it on their shoulder, she'll wait them out untill they speak. Might hum. Always breaks whatever tension afterwords with a terrible joke that is in no way funny but still makes them laugh.

Karen-

If Karen were to have a meltdown then the team(mates) would be unsure of how to proceed. She's an angry crier. She'd be waving her little fists and yelling as loud as she can but as soon as she loses her momentum she'll just deflate and stare blankly with a tear stained face. They would wrap her up in a hug and blanket as soon as she does. Ready to listen if she wants to talk about it.

If Carter were to witness Karen meltdown he'd first pretend he didn't see anything. But he can't keep that up for long, he'd wait her out in another room. Sit outside the door maybe and once she got it out if her system he'll buy her some ice cream and sit with her quietly, in case she wants to talk about it.

If Karen were to witness a meltdown she'd simply hold their hand and wait. Will sing silly boy band lyrics and simply exist besides her teammate. After, she'll make it her sole goal to cheer and make said teammates life better.

Zee-

If Zee were to have a meltdown it would be over something seemingly small but it's actually just the last straw. Depending on the trigger she will either burst into tears, in privacy if course, or explode into yells. Her brow will tent and her fists shake. Her team (mates) will try to soothe her, since she hyperventilates slightly when this happens. Or encourage her to cry it out. They sit next to her and remind her she's loved.

If Oliver witnesses Zee's meltdown he'll simply sit next to her, facing a wall, and make it about himself. Occasionally, grudgingly complimenting Zee or criticizing whatever was the last straw. It actually...helps a lot. Then if Zee thanks him he'll sniff and insist he 'has no idea what your talking about' but he'll offer her a small smile and a ride home anyway.

If Zee were to witness someone else's meltdown she'd simply wipe their face and maintain eye contact untill they stop, probably weirded out. Then she'll slaughter every doubt or anxiety they have by simply being uplifting then take them out to get some Sweet Justice.

😁 if you wanna see the boys your gonna have to ask for it!!! Lovely ask, I enjoyed doing it.

[wakraya]

What makes you interpret it as playful dicking around rather than mean spirited? I'm hearing "I know this hurt a lot of people and I'm going to make light of that without taking their pain seriously" from them which feels mean spirited to me. I'm TRYING not to interpret it in the worst light I can, but it's hard to see the playfulness when I'm feeling this bad. I know the writers get a lot of shit but considering the power imbalance between author and audience its not really the same.

The actual good they’ve done, mostly? The messages of gratitude to the Fandom by the WP Team for the support of Pesterquest, the “I know I teased the people that really nitpick details with Aradia’s route, but the core of Pesterquest is, in fact, that we’re nothing without you, the Fans, so thank you very much”, their attempt at validating Fanon Interpretation and Works with theirs being just One Take of how they’re doing the Timeline. Again, what makes one interpret Hussie laughing at the Character Deaths as playful dicking rather than mean spirited? New characters had been presented, half of the Troll Cast was dead in gruesome and really dramatic ways, and in comes the author like “HAHAH, HERE’S ME LAUGHING OVER ALL OF THE CHARACTERS THAT HAVE DIED!”, but then you get deep talk about the way this loss affects the characters and shapes them and keeps them pushing forward and fighting and striving for a better ending for the sake of those that gave their lives, and suddenly you realize, hey, the author is not actually a dick, there’s just a back-and-forth going on there between the audience and the creators.

Feeling bad at an update is okay! Disliking the direction of the story is totally okay! Voicing your dislike of these things is okay. What happened with this latest update? That was not okay. I have seen the Fandom twisting the words of queer authors, literally calling them evil, and calling for physical retribution. I have been subject to pretty nasty messages merely for defending the update. And you know what? YEAH I would like to tell this people to fuck off! At one point you stop caring about this hurt, if people are using it to hurt others in turn. Another part of the commentary was about how people had added this to the list of reason Jade is bad, right under ‘is a woman’ and ‘has sex’.

Fandom can be extremely critical, volatile and nasty and spin some very fucking regressive rhetoric in its apparent attempt to ‘not be problematic’. So laughing a bit at the expense of this Fandom that has been pulling worse and worse shit since the Epilogues? It’s like saying “God, men are awful”. Of course not all men. That is implicit. Of course if you’re not doing anything bad you’re not part of the collective being mocked. “God, Homestuck is awful and so are its fans”, is a sentiment that has been made popular over the years within the very own Fandom, “Homestuck sucks and I am trash”, and I feel like in a situation like this, the writers going “Yeah you are kind of trash you know”, isn’t even that controversial.

Also I should mention that I’m not sure exactly about how much of an ‘Imbalance’ there really is? Again, considering the WP Team to be a small indie group and the Fandom being a very loud and often very aggressive horde of hundreds and thousands of people. They control the direction the story takes. You control whether you want to continue following it or not, though. “The ride never ends” “We truly are stuck at home” memes are all well and good, but, you can... Distance yourself from things that are causing you distress. This also comes particularly coming from THIS update in specific. Adultery, hiding things from your partner, a breach of trust, that is messed up! I get the upset, there is a lot of drama! But also, this is a timeline that has dealt with rape, abuse, a fascist dictatorship, suicide, and a complete loss of hope, despairing at irrelevance and lack of purpose.

It is not... Light. It’s adult, unpleasant, and hard when it gets to the nitty-gritty of things, and often mixed with absurdism and parody that clashes with these dark themes. It is thematically VERY different from what Homestuck was, while following in its legacy with similar topics. Things are going to hit darker tones and are going to, specially, hit some very personal things for some people. Personal and unpleasant things that happen for real, and we’re at the very start of an uphill slope towards things getting better (Which they have).

It’s just. Bleh. A lot of talk about, a lot to discuss, and a lot of nuance. Hot Trigger Topics that rile people up, a general sense of negativity, an overall push on the Internet towards a sense of having to Be Mad and Lash Out and Seek Retribution towards other people, exhausted Authors that deal with said negativity, the Homestuck-brand teasing between Author and Fan, the exploration of new topics. If the authors wanted to hurt the Fandom, they would have made Rose and Kanaya split because of Yiffy, rather than Kanaya seeking to repair this breach of trust and not letting go. If they wanted to hurt the Fandom, they would have made Rosebot and Kanaya not miss each other, instead of wanting to see each other again. They would have let John stay down in the dumps, they wouldn’t have let Jake stand up in the end and begin to work, covertly, to take Jane down, they wouldn’t have given Jane a chance for redemption in Meat, or painted Dirk in such positive light in his Pesterchum route. And if you cannot see the obvious Good and the interesting beats and pushes of this story, then I am sorry for you, for having lost the vibe of a content that you used to enjoy! But that’s where Authorial Responsibility ends. They are putting out content they find interesting and want to explore. You can choose whether you want to keep going with this, or if after giving it a try, you just do not want it anymore.

[bigskydreaming]

Im asking this genuinely so pls dont yell at me; when you say that those using trigger warnings dont care about their readers’ mental health and wellbeing, what else are trigger warnings supposed to be for? To make sure people don’t enter fics that have material that would harm them. Just like tv shows that warn about nudity or violence or what have you. Its a rating system, theyre warnings. Tagging for rape or underage ARE the looking-out-for-readers thing. Past that, it is on readers to decide

I try not to yell at anyone engaging in good faith, I know it doesn’t always seem that way, but I would rather be engaged with than ignored...the latter is when my volume goes up, lol.

But in answer to your question, it comes down to the fact that trigger warnings are well established enough in fandom by now, that they exist as a kind of social contract.

In short, its EXPECTED that you provide trigger warnings, and that if you don’t have them, someone will bring that up at some point.

Problem is, this counter-productively works against what trigger warnings are actually FOR.....once we reach a point (which we’ve long since reached)....where a lot of people are only including the trigger warnings because of the social contract that expects them to have them, and not ACTUALLY because they’re prioritizing their readers’ well-being.

Something I see a LOT after trigger warnings is the phrase or sentiment “enter at your own risk”....and the phrasings are so, so key to what I’m talking about. 

Take a small sampling and just look for what I’m describing and I’m fairly certain you won’t have to go far to find an example of a fic where the tone of the author is not one of concern for readers, but preemptive concern for potential backlash from readers.

And these are two very different things.

Like, we all know how to read and interpret tone and nuance. Its genuinely not that hard to tell the difference between a sincere expression of wanting readers to be aware of potentially triggering content, and a faux-expression of that when really, the only thing you’re worried about triggering is a negative reception from people, and you want to get ahead of that by making it clear from the get go that hey, you did your job, you warned readers, and thus nobody has any grounds to say anything about your content itself.

Because also too there’s the fact that trigger warnings are inherently fallible. They rely on the author’s own AWARENESS of their content and everything it might include......but a racist author isn’t going to place a trigger warning for using their characters as mouthpieces for even blatant white supremacist ideology. 

A genuinely predatory author (and yes, they absolutely do exist, and its willful stubbornness that people rely on to pretend that like, for some bizarre reason, only genuinely predatory people don’t partake in this otherwise global hobby of reading and writing fiction, like what even is that, how do you arrive at that conclusion, that like, actual pedophiles are so busy preying on ‘real life’ teenagers in their zip code 24/7 that they just don’t have TIME to go online and cultivate predatory relationships with real life teenagers via social media? That doesn’t make any sense!)

But anyway, a genuinely predatory author, is absolutely NOT going to tag or place trigger warnings for pedophilia, etc....because they don’t WANT the things they write perceived that way.

People trying to normalize incest are not always going to tag for incest because they want to DISTANCE the cute, sweet dynamic between two ‘only sorta brothers’ as other than the kind of incest that destroys families...regardless of the reality that most cases of incest are the LATTER and its the FORMER that’s so rare it barely exists. 

And that sort of thing is how we get terms like dub-con and pseudo-incest and ‘consensual underage sex’ when its describing a relationship between a minor and adult....because this is mitigating, distancing language. Its entire reason for existing is to make unpalatable content seem more palatable.

And especially in Batfandom, we KNOW this.

Because we all, practically universally, give Devin Grayson crap for describing the rape in Nightwing #93 as ‘nonconsensual sex’ and go.....THATS NOT A THING!

And then half of fandom turns around and....acts like that and similar stuff...IS A THING.

That doesn’t work! LOL. It just...doesn’t.

Or another example, because abuse can be just as triggering as rape.....like, for me, personally, I’m a survivor of both, and yes, both CAN be triggering. But not as much as people might think....like, just reading a depiction of these things doesn’t trigger me.

Its, like you were saying at the get go, yes, a matter of surprise.....the kind of thing that CAN be warned for, and prepared for, and its the sheer unexpectedness that’s usually the trigger. 

Like.....I went off a few weeks ago about reading a story that was supposed to be about Dick’s brothers learning the truth about what led him to take the Spyral mission and what happened in Forever Evil. That’s what the summary said, that was it, that was the only thing it led me to expect about the story. So understandably, I go into the story expecting it to be sympathetic to Dick. I’m looking for catharsis from it honestly, a salve for the many fics and canon events that blamed and punished him for something I don’t consider his fault, right?

And then towards the end....I get Jason punching Dick again, before hugging him, because that’s just how he reluctantly shows love or whatever.

This genuinely triggered me, yeah. Its why I got so upset about it. Because I was blindsided, I had no way to prepare for it, because I went in expecting catharsis for a story that bothered me due to its victim blaming, and instead I got the author heaping on more of the same abuse we already saw in canon.....with zero awareness that’s what she was doing. 

So....that’s absolutely something I wrestled with should I message the author and ask them to add a trigger warning or not? Because I genuinely could have used one. It would have helped. I would have avoided that story if I had any notion that might crop up in it, because frankly, that’s not something I had any interest in reading.

But problem is, there’s only really two realistic outcomes there. If she was open to hearing a genuine request for her to be aware that her content contained triggering material for a reader....chances are, she probably would have just edited it and taken that out entirely. It was just one line. Easy enough to do. It certainly didn’t add anything.

Problem is....there’s an equal and opposite likely outcome....that she’d get defensive, call this unsolicited criticism, and double down on the idea that what she had written wasn’t abuse, because obviously she doesn’t condone abuse, so she wouldn’t have written that plain and simple. It has to be acknowledged that a lot of authors ARE innately defensive about social content in their work, and not open to hearing they’ve done something offensive or triggering....because that’s like...literally the basis of the ‘no unsolicited criticism’ movement in fandom, even though being critical of toxic ideology expressed in content is NOT the same as offering criticism of someone’s writing in general. 

So you see what I mean? A trigger warning COULD genuinely help in that situation....but our fandom environment simply flat out is not conducive for readers to be at all confident that they even CAN come forward and alert an author that they delved into an offensive, even harmful take with their content and be well received no matter HOW they phrase it....

For much the same reasons I mentioned in that other post. People are more likely to instinctively jump to the defense of the person WRITING the content that offended or did actual emotional harm....than the person simply trying to say, backed by their own lived experience of....being offended or experiencing emotional harm....hey, this is a problem for me and I would appreciate it being regarded as such....

Otherwise, what is even the POINT of this entire system of trigger warnings in the first place? If a problem for a reader isn’t regarded as worthy of attention in and of itself.....at least, not in comparison to whatever problem that READER’S problem creates for the WRITER.

You see what I’m saying? For this, and a lot of other reasons, trigger warnings are innately fallible. They rely on an honor code system, and the uncomfortable truth is none of us are actually naive enough to believe everyone in fandom is innately honorable enough to honor that....if they were, would we have as much cases of anon hate, spite fics, etc?

But fandom as a whole looked at the trigger warning system and decided well....its good enough. Because its not like I’m proposing a viable alternative, its not like I have a BETTER system in mind, offhand. All I do have is the point that well...no...its NOT good enough as is....because for a ton of reasons, there’s a ton of cases in which there’s a ton of people for which it flat out doesn’t work for or benefit at all.

But when this comes up to any degree, in any capacity whatsoever....and the only thing people fall back on is well, I tagged it, or I used trigger warnings what more do you want, or its good enough for me so that’s what matters, or just....

“I did what I was supposed to per the social contract about trigger warnings, so if anything goes wrong in your reading experience at this point, that’s entirely on you.”

Like, does that make sense?

Basically, there’s a world of difference between:

This is a problem that still needs solving because the solution provided now is not all-encompassing or inclusive....

And....

This is a problem that’s already been solved as far as I’m concerned, and I’m utilizing that solution so any further problems are just in the mind of the reader and have nothing to do with reality, let alone me and my work.

Again, as I said above....its the difference between genuinely engaging with other members of your fandom community with actual concern for THEIR fandom experience.....or faking engagement with other members of your fandom community when your only real concern is YOUR fandom experience, and at most, the experiences of anyone who already is of like minds to you on a subject.

Hopefully that answers your question or clarifies my stance there, anon. And thank you for actually engaging on this. It feels a bit like shouting into the void a lot of the time, lol.

[snugglyporos]

Rules For Roleplay Blogs

Alright people, this is overdue. But here are my ironclad rules for ensuring that your interactions on tumblr, and really in life in general, are as good as they can possibly be. Follow these rules, and you’ll have fewer problems because of it. Alright, let’s begin. 

1. Roleplay blogs are for roleplaying. 

This might seem obvious, but this isn’t a slight against people who are slow or only want certain things. This doesn’t mean ‘well you have a roleplay blog, so you have to write!’ That’s not what this means. 

What it means is: if you create a blog for something, people are going to come to it for that thing. For example, if you make a blog for a fandom, it is generally understood that people in that fandom are likely to come to your blog and be curious about interacting. If you make a kink blog, then it is likely that other people who are into that are going to come around. If you make an ask blog, people are likely going to send you asks. 

To put it another way, if you make a lemonade stand, and put a sign up that says you’re selling lemonade, do not be surprised that people are coming to you looking to buy lemonade. 

It’s okay if you only want to do asks! It’s okay if you only want threads! It’s okay if you only want to write with certain muses or write certain ships or write with certain fandoms!

It’s not alright to create a roleplay blog, label it as a roleplay blog, and then get mad that roleplayers are curious about interacting with you. I’ll go into setting boundaries and limits for yourself in a bit, but it’s important to note that it’s irrational to be mad at people for thinking you’re interested in the thing that you advertise yourself as. 

In other words, don’t put that you’re open to asks from mutuals or starters or w/e in your rules, and then be mad when people follow your rules accordingly. It’s one thing when people don’t follow your rules. It’s another when you’re mad about things you told them you want. Which brings us to...

2. You are responsible for cultivating your roleplay environment online.

Here’s a big one, and it goes along with the first rule. But it’s important to grasp this from the outset. You, and no one else, are responsible for the environment that you exist in. 

If the people you’re following are toxic? You shouldn’t be following them. If the fandom you’re in makes you anxious or depressed? You shouldn’t be in it. If the people you’re interacting with treat you like shit and you don’t like it, you shouldn’t be interacting with them. 

You, and no one else, are responsible for asserting your autonomy. You have to advocate for yourself. 

The internet is not like real life in one crucial aspect: you are not forced to be in any environment you’re in. You’re not being forced to be in a fandom. You’re not being forced to follow blogs whose content you hate. You’re not being forced to talk to people you don’t want to talk to. 

As a result, it falls to you to create an environment that you are comfortable in, and it falls to you to make sure that other people respect your boundaries and your comfort levels. 

You need to be willing to say so when people do things you don’t want. You need to be willing to walk away if someone isn’t respecting your wishes. You need to be willing to remove yourself from fandoms or situations if they make you uncomfortable or cause you problems. You, and no one else, are responsible for your health and well being. However, there is one major aspect of this that we need to cover, and that is: 

3. You need to be honest with yourself, as well as other people, about your needs and your intentions, as well as your issues and problems. 

People cannot read your mind. People cannot accommodate your needs or stop doing things you do not like if you do not tell them that you have a problem. 

Rule 2 covers outside influences. People who you don’t talk to, or interact with, or engage with. It covers how you, as an individual, create an environment around yourself. 

Rule 3 covers your interactions within the environment you create for yourself. 

Let’s say you’ve followed rules 1 and 2. You’ve set up the blog the way you want to set it up, hopefully attracting the kinds of people you want to interact with. Furthermore, you’ve crafted yourself an environment where the people you’re interacting with are the people you want to be engaging with. That’s good! 

So how does it go wrong? 

Generally, it goes wrong when people don’t maintain their environment. Look at it like this. If you don’t cut the grass, it’s going to get overgrown. If you don’t service your car, it’s going to break down. If you don’t shower, you’re going to smell terrible. Roleplay blogs are the same way. You need to maintain the environment you’re in. 

It’s usually not an intentional thing either. It happens when people begin to make exceptions or are not honest with themselves or others. Maybe someone you thought you wanted to interact with turns out to be a big jerk. Maybe the fandom you’re in takes a turn for the worse. Maybe someone you’re following is posting things that cause you anxiety or trigger you. Maybe someone you’re interacting with is making you uncomfortable. 

It falls to you, and no one else, to handle the situation. It means you need to be honest and clear about the issues you’re having. That might mean taking a friend aside and saying ‘hey, can you not?’ It might mean unfollowing people. It might mean needing to remove yourself from the environment that’s causing you problems. It might mean you need to separate yourself from the people who are causing you problems. 

But another way this happens is when you’re not honest with the people you talk to. 

Let’s say you’re friends with someone. You like them, they like you, you get along, and you write. They ask you to do something, and you don’t want to upset them, so you say yes. But you mean no. But you say yes. And then you hope it’ll just go away. 

But it doesn’t. They ask about it. You tell them you’ll work on it. They might even realize that you’re uncomfortable, or having problems, and they ask how they can compromise or accommodate you. You still say no. It stresses you out, it causes you anxiety, and soon enough you’re so frustrated that they won’t just see what you mean rather than what you say. 

This is your fault. 

It is unreasonable to expect people to not take you at your word. If you say you are fine, if you say you don’t need anything to change, if you say ‘yes I am okay, don’t worry’ then you cannot be mad that people continue on as normal. Unlike in real life, where we can read body language, voice tone, and take cues from people’s actions, online we have only people’s words. 

And so it falls to you to be open and honest about your needs and your problems. People cannot change their behaviors if you do not tell them that they have a behavior that needs changing. 

But what if they refuse? What if you say ‘hey, this upset me/causes me anxiety, can we do something else’ and they refuse? What if when they come to with an idea that you don’t want to do, they get mad when you tell them no? 

This is their fault, not yours.

Part of being a responsible person and cultivating your environment is being open and direct with your needs. If they refuse to respect your wishes, then that tells you that you shouldn’t keep them in your environment. If you do, you’re letting your environment decay around you. No one except you can maintain it. 

But you cannot be mad at others if you tell them that things are fine when they are not. You cannot agree to things and then be upset when people proceed accordingly. You cannot be mad if people try to work with you and compromise, and keep trying because you haven’t told them no, and keep reaffirming that you want to do the thing. 

If you say no, and they don’t respect your wishes, that’s on them. If you say yes, and you’re not being honest, you can’t be upset when people take you at your word. Assuming that you should be allowed to say yes but mean no is an admission that people should take you as a liar, and not listen to you. And that’s no way to exist as a person, online or off. 

Be willing to say no. Be willing to advocate for yourself. Be willing to draw a line. Be willing to stick with what you’re comfortable with if you’re not comfortable with other things. 

Furthermore, be willing to say what you’re looking for. If you want to ship something, if you want to write something, if you want to talk about something, be willing to say so. Be willing to be honest about your intentions and your desires and be honest about what you are looking for. 

4. Callout Culture rarely fixes problems, but often exacerbates them. It is even rarer that it makes your environment less toxic, stressful, or anxiety inducing. 

Let’s be honest. The original purpose of callout culture was to call things as they were. It was a way to democratize outrage. It was a way to level the playing field between the powerful and the weak. 

However, like all things that become democratized, no one was stopped from deploying this WMD of outrage against anyone. What started as a way for victims to alert others to what had happened to them quickly became a way for powerful people to silence their critics, and to deploy their friends and followers against people they didn’t like. A tool for victims became a weapon for victimizers. 

People realized that, most of the time, people didn’t bother to verify facts or evidence. In fact, people realized that you didn’t need evidence or facts at all. People realized that all that was needed was an allegation, and people would naturally separate into stan/anti camps depending on their views. Overtime, powerful people on both sides began to weaponize this to boost themselves. 

People realized that most people, insulated from the wrongdoing itself, would only view it through the prism of their own experiences, biases, and beliefs. And so they would take a cursory look, figure out which side matched them best, and then join the dog pile. 

A lot more people simply decided to keep their heads down, go along with the majority, living in constant fear of being harassed and abused themselves. 

What does this have to do with roleplay? Well in the roleplaying community, this is rampant. 

There’s not just callouts, there are callouts for the callouts, and then callouts for those callouts! Furthermore, people often think that calling out someone is like a pressure release valve; don’t want to say no to someone? Just let them keep at it until you can say they’re harassing you, call them out, and wash your hands of it. 

Obviously, this buries real harassment. It also destroys the purpose of callouts. Even worse, it doesn’t work as intended, because rather than being a way out to avoid being honest with people, it often turns into a giant thing as people see it and begin to take sides. Rather than making your environment better, it often times makes it substantially worse. 

Furthermore, you end up with two very big risks. Risk one is that people around you become inoculated to callouts, and ignore serious patterns of abuse and victimization when you have them. Risk two is that people begin to regard you as a toxic individual, and thus you essentially immolate yourself when you’re looking for a less stressful environment. 

In other words, by abdicating your responsibilities, you’ve made everything worse. 

Callouts exist as a last resort, when people refuse to change their behaviors or victimize people intentionally. They do not exist as a way for you to get out of having to say no to people. Using them as such only harms people who actually need help and support. And at the same time, it often makes your life even worse due to the attention that it brings you. 

5. Be willing to enforce your rules. Be willing to say no. Be willing to stick to your guns. Be willing to block people or anons. Do not feel bad about it.

This isn’t an excuse to be a dick. It is however, a reason to stay the course if you’re not comfortable with something. It is good, virtuous even, to compromise with people, and to accommodate them. But understand that you do not have to do so. It is okay to not be willing to write with certain people or write certain things. It is okay to have things you think are okay and things you are not. 

Understand that you have no right to tell other people what to write. But it works both ways. Other people have no right to tell you want to write or who to write with either. 

Some people aren’t going to accept this. Some people aren’t going to want to interact with you on your terms. Some people are going to say that their own comfort supersedes yours. 

You are not obligated to keep such people in your life. You are not obligated to talk with them or write with them. You are not obligated to interact with them. 

If people refuse to accept your rules, if people refuse to stop when you tell them no, if people refuse to listen to you and treat you as a partner, then you do not have to allow them in your life. 

There will be people who will say this is unfair. There are people who will object being held to any standard of behavior. There will be people, sometimes even people you think are your friends, that will believe that the rules don’t apply to them, or that they should be exempt, or that they deserve and exception. Do not buy it. 

You are responsible for enforcing your rules. Rules that you do not enforce and do not expect to be enforced are as worthless as wet toiletpaper. 

6. None of this is an excuse or a free pass to be a bad person yourself. 

One thing that has been perverted along with callout culture is the notion that enforcing your rules gives you a reason to be a dick. There are people who will demand from you uneven privileges. They will demand things from you and refuse to give anything themselves. They will say that this inequality between you is the price of interacting with them. 

This is wrong, and you shouldn’t be tempted to do it yourself. 

There are lots of people who in the name of their insecurities, their anxieties, their own issues, believe that these things give them a free pass to treat others poorly. It does not. I say this as someone who is autistic, who is a depressive, who has been there himself, your issues do not give you a right to abuse others. 

Your issues should be accommodated, yes. People should understand you, and your needs. People should be understanding when you have problems. 

But nothing that I have said is a free pass to intentionally hurt others or intentionally use or abuse them for yourself. 

Having rules and boundaries shouldn’t make it so you’re free to do whatever you want. They do not exist so that you cannot be held accountable for your actions and deeds. 

The responsible thing is to expect nothing of anyone else that you would not expect from yourself. 

This means if you expect other people to be honest, you need to be honest. If you expect people to be understanding, you should be understanding. If you expect people to respect your rules, you should respect their rules. 

If you expect fairness, then you should also be fair. 

This is not a pass to exploit others. This does not mean that you have to accept others who would not accept you in the name of fairness. It does not mean that you can’t say no to people who won’t say no to you. 

It does mean to treat others as you wish to be treated. It means advocating for yourself. It means holding yourself to a standard of conduct and distancing or removing yourself from people or environments that do not meet them. It means being mature enough and willing to tell someone when you have a problem, and being willing to walk away if they won’t listen. It means respecting other people’s hard boundaries and demanding that people respect yours. It means being willing to be honest about your feelings and you needs. It means treating other people as human beings, just as you demand to be treated as one. 

And if you do all this, you’ll have the best possible time you can have as a roleplay blog. That doesn’t mean that it will always be perfect or fun or good. It doesn’t mean you won’t have problems. But it does mean that you’ll set yourself up to avoid the most obvious pitfalls that makes having a roleplay blog less fun to have. 

[dogbearinggifts]

“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Ten

This is the final part of my series examining how Luther and Vanya address their own trauma, as well as the trauma of others. Here, I’ll share some thoughts I have after analyzing these two characters’ attitudes toward trauma, as well as some thoughts on fandom in general. If this is the first time you’re seeing it on your dash, you can catch up on previous installments here:

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five Part Six  Part Seven  Part Eight  Part Nine 

Thank you to everyone who’s stuck with this series for so long. I know I haven’t responded to all of you personally because I’m lame, but trust me—your support and positive feedback has kept me going. 

*********

Final Thoughts

Trauma Mentions Come Down to Quality, Not Quantity

Luther and Vanya are even when it comes to trauma mentions—11 each for addressing their own trauma, and 5 each for the trauma of others. However, in the first five episodes, nearly all of Luther’s mentions of his time on the Moon or his forcible mutation come when prompted by others. His early mentions of the Moon are neutral or positive, and he outright tells Allison he is not ready to talk about his mutation. In the sixth and seventh episodes, his unprompted mentions of the Moon are constructive—that is, he is bringing up his time on the Moon not to talk about how difficult it was, but as a means of saying “Hey, I might have a solution to our apocalypse problem.” One mention of his time on the Moon is used to validate Five, and the last mention of his forcible mutation is used to empathize with Allison. Contrast that with Vanya’s mentions of her childhood exclusion, which are often unprompted, wholly negative, and sometimes used as a means to divert attention from the topic at hand. 

There’s also the question of how much each character values a chance to talk about their own trauma over solving the problem at hand. When Diego finds Luther in the bar, Diego distracts him from his anger about his Moon mission with news that Allison is in danger. When Allison tries to distract Vanya from her anger over being left out by offering to fill her in on what she’d missed, Vanya outright refuses and lashes out at Allison before storming off. Luther might allow his own disillusionment to make him briefly give up on saving the world or anyone in it, but he is willing to push his own hurt feelings aside to save someone else. Vanya prizes a chance to vent about her own trauma above all else—even a chance to be included in the family dynamic, even if that inclusion comes by proxy. 

When it comes to the trauma of others, Luther tends to validate his siblings’ trauma, rather than invalidate it. He listens to Allison talk about her awful parenting and the fallout; he validates Five’s time alone in the apocalypse. Vanya doesn’t invalidate her siblings’ trauma, either (unless you count her referring to their training and ongoing abuse as playing, but that could also be a result of her being kept at a distance from them). She does, however, turn Allison’s trauma into patronizing comments and low blows; and when Leonard references his abuse, she doesn’t ask for more information. She’ll bring up her own trauma or say “I know,” but she stops short of empathizing. 

In other words, if you still think Luther is the one who won’t shut up about his trauma and goes around acting like he had it worse than anyone, I’m going to raise an eyebrow at you. 

Luther is Quite Empathetic—Just Not Toward Vanya

We see it most clearly in the scene in the basement, where Diego, Allison and Klaus are arguing for Luther to let Vanya go and Luther refuses. Luther is often portrayed in fandom as lacking empathy, but it’s clear he doesn’t. His empathy is simply not focused on Vanya. Luther’s empathy in the basement scene is with the victim, but fandom believes the perpetrator is more deserving. 

That isn’t to say he shouldn’t have empathized with Vanya. I believe that if Luther had empathized with both victim and perpetrator in that moment, he could have landed on a solution that would have benefited everyone. Maybe they could have decided to send Five in, have him get Vanya’s side of the story, and blink out when that was done or if she decided to attack him, and explain the plan to her through notes. Maybe they could have asked her a series of yes or no questions using a notepad, then deliberated over the specifics of letting her out. There are a number of solutions, and while there’s no guarantee any of them would have kept Vanya from exacting revenge or becoming enraged over something else once she was free, my point is that Vanya’s imprisonment was not caused by a lack of empathy on Luther’s part. It was caused by an abundance of empathy for Allison and a dearth of it for Vanya, which led to a false win/lose situation. Empathizing with both of them could have helped him land as close to a win/win as was possible. 

Vanya Could Have Prevented the Apocalypse 

All she had to do was take a deep breath, count to three, and ask a few questions instead of flinging accusations around. Fandom too often treats her agency as nonexistent and her eventual rampage as entirely the fault of others, but her own hair-trigger temper prevents her from learning key information that likely would have led her to pursue reconciliation rather than revenge. A calm response on her part in nearly any argument with her siblings might have set her on a different course and prevented her eventual snapping. This is especially true of her argument with Allison, where a calm response would have prevented the action that Luther sees as reason to lock her up. Luther has received much hate for how he handled this situation, but Vanya could have prevented it entirely. 

Allison Doesn’t Get Half the Credit She Deserves

Allison’s overtures of friendship toward Vanya are too often treated as a mean-spirited swipe at Vanya’s taste in men or as Vanya’s due, rather than as Allison going above and beyond. Yes, her initial lecture to Vanya was rude and uncalled-for, but I think she more than made up for it by seeking her out, apologizing, and taking her out for drinks. Yes, she took part in excluding Vanya as a child, but once she sees evidence on the security tapes, she makes every effort to treat Vanya as a sister. And Vanya rewards this, and every other gesture of peace after, with verbal abuse and swipes at her divorce. Through it all, Allison never responds in kind, never stops trying to convince Vanya she is in danger, and never stops blaming herself for Vanya’s behavior. 

If a sibling treated me the way Vanya treats Allison, I wouldn’t take them breakfast and apologize for being such a rotten sister. I’d write them off as toxic and move on. If I thought they were in danger, I’d work to try and ensure their safety from a distance; but I would avoid interacting with them as much as possible. Had Allison chosen to end contact with Vanya after her “Worry about your own daughter” remark, I would have considered it more than justified. 

Yes, Allison’s positive treatment of Vanya was often wrapped up with her criticism of Leonard. However, Allison is one of the most famous people in the world, a fact Vanya explicitly acknowledges. Had Vanya considered that Allison’s worries over her new boyfriend might stem from past experiences with stalkers, she could have addressed Allison’s well-intentioned concerns in a more empathetic, more constructive way. 

Leonard is a Manipulator, Not a Puppetmaster

He never commands Vanya to do anything, unless you count the moment when he tries to break through her catatonia by urging her to say she’s special. His methods are far more subtle than that. In the coffee shop scene, for instance, when Allison becomes a topic of conversation, he looks somewhat hurt and says, “I don’t think your sister likes me very much.” He doesn’t tell her to stop talking to her sister; he doesn’t tell her she’s not to be trusted. Rather, he plants the seed that Allison’s actions are borne out of petty dislike, rather than legitimate concern, which gets Vanya thinking negatively about her sister. Leonard doesn’t tell Vanya what to think, but he does push her thinking in a direction that favors his agenda. He doesn’t tell her how to act, but he does reward actions that further his plan and punish actions that hinder it. 

Leonard did not make Vanya cause the apocalypse. She was not his puppet; he did not have her under his command. He simply got rid of her medication and then guided her actions and attitudes to a point where she would lash out at her siblings of her own volition. Vanya was certainly being manipulated, but she had a say in whether or not to act on the thoughts Leonard’s observations brought to the surface. Her choices were influenced by Leonard; they were at no point dictated by him, and she bears responsibility for the things she has done. 

Vanya’s Abuse was Different, Not Worse

Vanya believes she had it worse than anyone, and too often I see fandom agreeing with this assessment because she was the only one left out. It’s true that Vanya was the only sibling robbed of her powers, excluded from the family dynamic, and outright told her existence didn’t matter. But Luther was the only one forcibly mutated without his knowledge or consent; Diego was the only one verbally degraded to such a degree that he shows concern for his brothers through shouting and body-shaming; Allison was the only one taught to disregard boundaries to such an extent that her own personal and professional success came to depend upon it; Klaus was the only one locked in a tomb with his greatest fear; Five was the only one who had to raise himself in an apocalyptic wasteland; and Ben was the only one who died. 

All of them went through hell. Vanya did not suffer more than her siblings simply because her suffering took place in a different zip code. 

Vanya Has Had More Help than Luther Ever Knew He Needed, but Luther is Expected to Do More with Less

I know there are those who take umbrage with this view, but I’ve shared it before and I’ll share it again: Vanya has had ten years to come to terms with her childhood trauma. She’s been to therapy, and her therapist was competent and sympathetic enough for her to recommend Five see her*. For a time, she had sympathetic attendees at her book readings. She might be working three jobs to pay for her apartment and apparently modest lifestyle, but all three of them are related to the music she loves. Her work feeds directly into her interests, which is not something most millennials can say. She has built a good life for herself, and she’s done it without the interference of her father or siblings. Even with all of this to distance her from her trauma and allow her to move on, she acts as if it all happened yesterday. This is not emotionally healthy and leads Vanya to harm others, as the show demonstrates time and again. 

Luther, on the other hand, has had three days to come to terms with being sent to the Moon for no reason. He’s had years to process his forcible mutation, but as I’ve pointed out before, he had no one to talk through it with him. No therapist, no friends, no siblings—not even a kindly parental figure, as these parental figures consisted of the man who mutated him, a robot programmed to never disagree, and a chimp with Stockholm Syndrome. Luther was left to muddle through on his own. When it comes to his Moon mission, he’s fared no better: the three siblings who have tried to help him process it are all trying to work through their own traumas and not much more adept at it than Luther is. They all helped in their own way, yes—Allison gave him a distraction, Klaus waved his arms in the air and begged him not to do what he did, Diego reminded him that there were more important matters in need of his attention—but none of them were able to give him the sort of counseling he desperately needs. 

Yes, Luther harmed his sister as well. He’s not innocent in this. But fandom constantly excuses Vanya’s mistreatment of Allison and her other siblings by pointing to her childhood trauma, yet insists Luther be well-adjusted enough to pick up on Vanya’s emotional cues and respond to evidence he doesn’t know exists when, for all he knows, she just tried to murder her own sister and is there to finish the job.  I think it’s time we stop treating That Scene™ like the moment Luther becomes a monster and treat it as the tragic irony it is. 

Luther and Vanya Form an Interesting Phenomenon

I first got into fandoms when I was a young teen, around the same time the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy was released. I spent a lot of time on LotR fansites, getting involved in RPGs and browsing proto-memes—really just photo albums of screenshots from the movies with lists of user-submitted captions below. (I still remember a few of the most clever ones.) After that, it was onward to Star Wars, and Danny Phantom, and the MCU and Harry Potter. I have seen characters revered and reviled, watched two people analyze the same character and come to wildly different conclusions. I’ve seen Draco prance about in his leather pants and watched Ron become a Death Eater. 

In all my years as a fan, I have never seen anything quite like the way this fandom treats Luther and Vanya. 

I’ve seen decent characters made out to be lazy, abusive, or just plain evil. I’ve seen unlikable characters made out to be wisecracking antiheroes. But when fandom twists a character to suit their own interests, it is typically the character’s own flaws or virtues that are exaggerated or ignored. 

This fandom is quite taken with Vanya—so taken with her, in fact, that her virtues are not only exaggerated but added to. Her attempt at comforting Allison and her return to the Academy after her sister’s apparent death are widely circulated and celebrated, yes, but not as rare moments of courage and selflessness from a typically self-focused character. Instead, they are held up as emblematic of who Vanya is as a person, and even more positive qualities are heaped upon her. Allison’s persistent kindness, Klaus’ empathy, Five’s relentless loyalty to his family—these traits were never Vanya’s, but they are given to her regardless and fandom pretends they have always belonged to her. 

Her flaws are not brushed aside, though. In many instances where a character is lionized to the extent Vanya is, those flaws would simply disappear; however, in this case, they are given to Luther. Vanya is no longer the one who constantly complains about her trauma, the one who treats her siblings’ suffering as an annoyance, the one who refuses to take responsibility for choices with results she doesn’t like; in fandom, Luther is saddled with these qualities despite many of his actions directly contradicting this characterization. Luther has moments of selfishness and apathy, yes, but he is not a selfish or apathetic character. Likewise, Vanya has moments of selflessness and empathy, but she is neither selfless nor empathetic. Yet in fandom, Luther is self-centered and numb to the emotions of others, while Vanya is kind and caring toward those who treat her poorly. 

In other words, fandom is so intent upon seeing Vanya as the sweet, blameless victim and Luther as the amoral villain that fans have transformed these two into entirely different characters. 

Fandom’s Warped View Does Real Harm to Survivors 

Widespread Luther hate causes harm to survivors of similar abuse, yes. In reducing Luther to a villain screaming about the Moon who hurts Vanya because he’s just a terrible person, fans make it that much more difficult for survivors of the unique sort of abuse caused by parental favoritism to speak out about their struggles, and can even lead to them being bullied for something they cannot help. This is wrong and should not be tolerated. However, there’s something more sinister going on here. 

I’ve spoken before about the widespread belief that child abuse results in better children, that it’s a sort of purifying agent that keeps children from becoming spoiled. And I’ve spoken about how it pertains to the common view that Vanya’s abuse made her kind and empathetic. I stand by what I said before, but I’d like to add that when this warped view of Vanya is paired with an equally warped view of Luther, the toxic message of abuse as a positive becomes downright radioactive. 

When we pretend that Vanya’s unusually severe abuse made her the sweetest of the bunch, and that Luther’s abuse-free childhood made him a monster, we perpetuate the narrative that abuse is not only positive, but necessary to keep children good and kind. 

Vanya is not the best of her siblings. Luther is not the worst. This series has examined Vanya’s more selfish and harmful actions and some of Luther’s more selfless and helpful ones, but I do not see Vanya as a villain and Luther as a hero. I don’t see it the other way, either. They’re both people, who had horrific childhoods and carry the scars of their pasts differently, going about their lives as best they can. Vanya’s past trauma does not justify the way she treats her siblings, and Luther’s past trauma does not justify the way he treats his. Their backgrounds are an explanation for their behavior, not a justification for it. 

Luther and Vanya are both broken. Maybe the damage can be repaired and maybe it can’t, but this fandom tends to romanticize the damage in one case and ignore or demonize it in another. And if there’s one thing I hope people take from this series, it’s that they’ll start seeing the damage in both cases for what it is. 

********

*Not always the case with therapists. Speaking from experience here. I’ve seen two over the years, and they both left me in a worse place than before.  

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

Could I request some angst with a happy end? headcannons or scenarios you chose. With baku, todo and if you want (authors choice charater) where their s/o takes a big hit for then during a battle? Like they jump in the way? I hope this is ok.

Hehehehehehehe angst you say? With a happy ending you say? Why this is a recipe for an emotional rollercoaster!

I miiiight've gotten carried away with Bakubabe and Dabman dnsjskjana

WARNINGS: Fighting, blood, broken bones, medical talk, hospitals, cussing, death

Bakugou

You two were only fighting one person, so how hard could it be? Only you two were fighting for two hours straight now and the villain doesn't have a scratch on him. You were fighting some asshole who had a quirk that turned Bakugous explosions against him. Both of you were struggling to make a dent in the villains defenses.

He turned one of Katsuki's explosions against him causing you both to fly into a car.

"You two can't even take me on fully! Man! Where does UA find losers like you?!"

Shit.

If it's one thing Bakugo couldn't handle it was his anger.

"OH REALLY? Let's see how you handle a full blast from my gernades?!"

"Katsuku NO-" you ran to shove your stupid lover as far as you could.

The last thing you remember is the immense heat and the sound of your ribs snapping before you fade into unconsciousness.

Once Bakugo turned to find you his heart sank. You were laying in a puddle of blood mixed with rebar. One of the pieces stabbed your chest, and you weren't moving.

Goddamit why weren't you moving?

"Oh how sad! I didn't realize I could swat heroes like the flies they are!" The villain was reveling in the sight of you, not paying attention to Bakugo.

You opened your eyes much to your body's displeasure to see Katsuki beating the villain into the ground.

"LETS SEE YOU REDIRECT THIS?" His punch laded with a sickening crunch to the man's nose. Even though the man was unconscious he kept beating him.

"Kacchan..." You groaned as blood spilled out of your mouth and nose.

Bakugo froze and glaced back at you, shocked to see you back in the waking world, to see him beating the life out of a villain..

He dropped the man and ran to you, eyes glistening with tears. He kneeled by you scared to move your broken and bloodied body.

"W-we did it Y/N. You're gonna be fucking fine. You aren't allowed to leave me here got it dumbass?!" He reached for his GPS transmitter to get an ambulance out for you.

"H-hey, DONT YOU FUCKING BLACK OUT AGAIN. DONT FUCKING DO THIS TO ME Y/N" His desperate tone broke your heart but your body forced you to pass out again.

-

The beeping of a heart monitor is what finally woke you up. That and the sound of yelling and scuffling.

"GODDAMMIT IM FINE, LET ME SEE THEM!" Your lover burst through the door with two orderlies trying in vain to hold him back.

"Y-y/n.. y-You're finally awake!! Let me go you white coat BASTARDS" he turned to fight them off of him, adrenaline still pumping through his veins.

"Kacchan! It's fine! Stay in here with me and let them work on you.." your voice faltered with the morphine coursing through your beaten veins.

-

After the nurses left you two together he was uncharacteristically quiet.

The beeping of your monitor was deafening. The smell of disinfectant sickening. The way your lover refused to look at you, heartbreaking.

"why..." He muttered.

"Katsu, you know I couldn't let you take that full blast. Neither of us could.." you went into a coughing fit causing him to flinch with the wet sound.

"You shouldn't have done that you fucking idiot. I could've done something for you! I SHOULD'VE SAVED YOU Y/N" he cried into your bedsheets, gripping them with white knuckles that were too scared to touch your now frail body.

"Katsu.." you groaned as you moved your hand to comb through his hair which only made him weep harder.

"I'm going to be fine, Katsuki. I only have three broken ribs, a fractured femur, 18 stitches, and a mild concussion. But your crying is hurting more than all of that.. I know you'd do the same for me you idiot. The best thing we can do now is move on." You painfully flashed him that million dollar smile when he finally looked up at you.

"Y/n.. I promise this won't happen again.."

"It better not. That villains quirk relied on yours and you thought it was a good idea to go all in with explosions?" You laughed at his realization of his mega fuck up.

Midoriya

You two were out numbered and cornered. No matter how many you two managed to take down more just kept coming.

You might've misjudged how big this gang really was. They all carried some kind of weapon and of course they all have their own quirks so close combat was a last resort for you and Deku.

You both knew you had to leave and get help, the only problem was you were in a dead end alleyway and the only way out was up.

"Y/N! Be ready to jump to tha-"

It all happened in a blink of an eye. Once Izuku looked to you to tell you his plan a villain saw an opening. He was carrying a machete that seemed to break the sound barrier toward your boyfriend's neck. You grabbed Midoriyas arm with adrenaline powered force and yanked him away but your upper arm caught the blade.

That's deep.. fuck..

Izuku choked back his emotions and just flung you over you over his shoulder and used OFA to run up the wall.

The last thing you remember before succumbing to the shock and blood loss was the panic in his face and the darting of his eyes to presumably find help.

-

You woke up in a hospital bed feeling woozy. You tried to sit up only to have Izuku gently coax you to lay back down.

"Y-y/n you need to lay down, ok? We're both safe. We're in a hospital." He was trying to hold back tears at the sight.

You needed 9 deep tissue stitches and nearly 23 surface stitches and a blood transfusion.

Your arm was wrapped tightly with gauze to halt the bleeding. Now the only big worry was infection.

"Are you ok, Izuku?.." you weakly groaned as you looked for injuries on him.

"I just have some scratches and a few cuts, y-y/n-n..." He couldn't hold it any longer.

He broke down into tears as he held your hand to his cheek.

He apologized between sobs saying how he shouldn't have left himself to be so open and that he blamed himself for getting you hurt.

All you could've done was gently rub his cheek and smile reassuringly.

"Izuku, honey, we were in a rough situation. Things didn't go according to plan and we were flying blind. I wasn't about to let you take that hit." You wiped away some tears that were rolling down his cheek gingerly and pinched his cheek gently.

"Now stop crying, I feel fine."

"Sorry to interrupt, Y/N L/N." A nurse entered and fiddled with your morphine drip.

"Since you're no longer in critical condition we're taking you off morphine and on painkiller pills."

Well, you did feel fine.

Todoroki

Ragged breaths filled the air. The smell and tased of hot copper filled the air. The burning pain in your abdomen hit you suddenly as you buckled over in pain.

You two were just out shopping for the holidays and a mugger thought to hold you two up, but panicked and pulled the trigger.

"I-I didn't mean to shoot her!!" The man backed away frantically looking for an escape route from your bi-colored lover. His flames burned hot into the alleyway openings, swirling with a lively anger. His ice created spike walls who were seemingly unfazed by the inferno surrounding it.

The gunshot wound paired with the temperature change forced your body to shut down and hit the ground.

-

You woke up to Todoroki giving you a piggyback to the nearest hospital. His pace jogging to prevent further injury but still rushing you to help.

"Sh-oto.." you could feel the blood pooling on the back of his shirt.

"Don't say anything Y/N, we're almost to a hospital!"

Bystanders stared at you two causing you to realize the gravity of the situation.

"Are you ok, Shoto..."

"Yes, but we're still going to the ER. Goddamit." He growled at his own panic as the hospital doors slid open.

Nurses and doctors rushed over asking questions to which, Todoroki only gave short chopped answers. When someone tried getting you off his back he couldn't help but squeeze you harder and prevent them from taking you away from him, but his senses came back and helped you on a gurney.

He couldn't even answer the other nurses questions as he watched them rush you to the OR wing.

-

"-sure to make her drink fluids and soft foods for two weeks. Her bandages need to be changed twice daily and her wound needs to be rinsed with hydrogen peroxide for each bandage change." The white robed man lectured Todoroki who was just staring at a jar.

He only noticed you were awake when the doctor left the room and you shifted slightly.

"How are you feeling." He hid the jar on the floor and tried to keep his eyes focused on yours and not the bindings on your stomach.

"I've been better. Although.. I do feel better than that time we had dinner with your father."

He couldn't help but chuckle at your joke. Jokes were a good sign.

"You we're right Y/n, the bullet missed every organ and major artery, but it got stuck in your hip bone."

"I told you Shoto" you grinned at him to try to make him relax a bit more. You could tell he was still tunnel visioned by the way his eyes continuously glanced at the floor.

"Did they let you keep the bullet?" He shot his eyes up at you and debating on answering.

"Well, let's see it!" You were gleaming which finally made his brain relax.

You two were safe.

Dabi

Of course Dabi just had to start a bar fight.

Some lowlife dude was supposedly eyeing you like a piece of meat, according to Dabi. So what did he do? Slammed his head into the mahogany table promptly breaking his nose. Which then made the people who were with him want to fight, which cause other people to get caught in the crossfire, which sparked an all out brawl.

Dabi was never the smartest, but he was the most protective person you've ever seen. And he loved showing you how powerful he was.

But when he threw some poor son of a bitch out of the window, one of his buddies put you in a headlock.

You struggled against his grip but stopped once you saw him holding a chunk of glass to your throat.

"Dabi!" You cried out when he added a bit of pressure to your neck. You could feel your heartbeat push the glass slightly.

His eyes were transfixed on the sight before him.

"Tch, what a pussy move, threatening a man's girl." He sounded calm but you knew he was fuming, hell you could see smoke forming in his palms.

"Stay back or I'll fucking slit her pretty little throat, zombie!" The man was terrified of your boyfriend, you could tell by the way his hands was shaking.

Dabi held his hands to his sides and slowly brought them up to his head.

"Alright, you got me. Though it is pretty pathetic to grab a chick. We we're all just having a nice little bar fight, but, whatever."

Dabi watched your hand slowly reach for your back pocket and smirked.

"All of your friends are either dead, unconscious, or ran away. You're all alone here. If you just let her go I'll let you run too."

"SHUT THE HELL UP, FREAK!" The man tightened his grip and slid the glass slightly against your throat causing blood to trickle down to your collar.

He shuffled you both closer to the exit still holding a firm grip on you.

"If you just let her go you can leave. Don't be stupid." Dabi reached for a cigarette that was on the table causing the man to focus on his hand. Dabi sure was making a fine distraction.

Your lovers blue flames lit the cigarette tip causing the man to start to lose his mind.

"Don't fucking use your quirk or she dies! You hear me fucker?! One wrong move and she's fuckin-"

You finally made your move and shoved your switchblade into his side causing him to drop the glass and stumble backwards. You grabbed him in the same fashion he did to you and placed your blade on his neck.

You and Dabi made eye contact and he smirked at your power play. With one swift motion you slit his throat. He crawled towards the door before he collapsed, gasping through a malfunctioned windpipe.

"It takes about thirty seconds for the human body to bleed out through their jugular. Enjoy the next 23 seconds." You walked towards a table and grabbed a napkin to stop your own bleeding.

Dabi let out a long whistle, "damn babe, what took you so long. You could've gotten real hurt there. I don't think I could live on without your cookin'." He made his way over to you, stepping over bodies and broken glass.

"Let me take a look." He peeled your hand away from your neck and cleaned it up a bit to get a better look. He growled softly and heated his finger up.

"Hold still baby, I promise I'll be gentle." He smirked and started to cauterize the slit. You were in pain sure but his seemingly fire filled eyes kept you entranced.

"Any deeper and you would've had to borrow some of my staples, hot stuff."

Despite his flirty nature he was scared.

When you two got back to your shared apartment he trapped you in your own bed by laying on top of you. He kissed the opposite side of your neck and made his way to your chest.

"Man, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch.."

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer Chapter 27: Into the Void

“Do you make your own dances to music?”

Johann and I made our daily morning walk towards the gym. The sun was peeking out from the heavy clouds. They’d let down a heavy downpour but thankfully it let up before our walk. Johann hated walking in the rain.

“I do. I’m no professional choreographer. But I can’t help but make up some steps if the song is compelling enough.” I replied.

“Have you heard of the song ‘Daily Growing’?”

My eyes shifted in thought. “Not off hand. What’s it about?”

Master List

“It’s about a woman promised in marriage to someone ten years younger than she is. Her father thinks it will secure her future because he’s from a noble family.”

I thought he was looking at me, but when I looked up wasn’t. He was an expert at avoiding eye contact.

“If your... if Robbie asked you to do something like that... would you do it?” He asked.

“Maybe... In a way, I feel like I already have. The truth is, part of the reason I went to Cassell was so I could get a lot of money and give back to my family. We’re poor so...” My use of the present tense sent a pang through my chest and I sighed against it. “But even if I wasn’t poor. This is a common thing among hybrids.”

Johann was silent for a moment. “Yes, this was my experience.”

“Well, in that case, I will listen to the song and try to dance it well. On one condition.” I quickened my pace to step in front of him, walking backwards. “You play music. I’ll dance to the music if you play it. I won’t be able to convey the meaning otherwise.”

Before he could answer, he turned toward the Cassell chapel. The building, set up on a high hill, was visible in most areas on campus. Right now, it was surrounded by a tremendous flock of doves. They swirled and dove about in distress, cooing loud enough to hear from a distance.

 “Is there a hawk?” I asked.

“No. It means that... someone has died.” His voice was even, quiet and low.

“Is that another tradition?”

“No... it’s a fact.” With just a slight lowering of his eyelids, he conveyed an intense worry.

“Someone you might know?” Lu Mingfei’s face popped into my head.

“There were no missions from the Executive Operations department listed, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Do you need to go check on things? I don’t mind training alone if you need to.”

“No. There’s nothing I can do about it. Let’s just go.” He pulled his eyes from the church and continued. I had no choice but to follow. The bell tolled the hour.

Johann was supposed to be teaching me high kicks. But it was not to be. As soon as we had gotten our equipment set up, he looked past me to the door. A tall dark haired man in a navy blue suit stood at the door, hands behind his back. His dark eyes fixed on me. “Professor Schneider requires your presence.”

I looked up at Johann.

“Not Johann Chu. Only you. Alone.” 

I gave a little shake of my head, remembering what happened last time. 

“It’s okay. Go on. I’ll wait.” He put a hand on my shoulder, pushing me forward.

“Okay... sorry.” I gave one last glimpse over my shoulder at him. “I’ll be right back.”

I followed the agent to the Executive Operations department and we descended an elevator into the third basement level. “This area is top secret. Anything you hear here cannot be shared with anyone. Violations will result in severe consequences. Do you understand?”

“I understand.” 

EVAs voice came through the elevator. “Logged.”

The door opened. “Lu-Senpai!” I’d never been so happy to see him. Mine was the only smile.

Professor Guderian, Professor Schneider, Professor Manstein, Principal Anjou... there were no students here. These were all older people. We were the only ones. I took a step closer to Lu, my hand finding his.

Principal Anjou leaned against his desk. “We just lost a dozen people. The situation is critical. A dimensional rift has opened up in Siberia and a dragon’s heartbeat was detected. The team investigating vanished immediately. We have never, in all our history, seen a signature like this.”

“This is the last transmission from the team.” He turned to press play on the recording.

Voices from people I didn’t know. “Have you seen writing like this? This is… completely unrecorded.”

“ We’re submitting as many photos as we can!” The screen in front of us blinked on and I immediately turned away to avoid reading anything.

“The technology attached to these glyphs. What was it used for…?”

“Dragon heartbeat detected! Dead ahead! Retreat!”

“Where did it come from? There was nothing here!”

“Radioactivity levels are rising! This is dangerous! We need to g-”

Silence.

I turned my face into Lu’s shoulder to make sure I didn’t see anything.

“I’m afraid this is all the information I can give you. They were investigating the ruins discovered weeks ago and unearthed a dragon palace under the mountain, older than we have ever seen.”

“That dragon must be eliminated. But it is an unknown threat. Therefore, we are giving this mission an X designation. S-grade levels only.”

I slowly turned my head to look, making sure to keep my eyes to the floor in case the screen was still on.

“I’m not going to lie to you. This is as much about revenge as it is about investigation.” Anjou’s voice was taut with fury and pain. “Destroy the dragon, destroy his palace. We have enough trouble with four lords. We have no need of invasion from a fifth!”

“You’ll be outfitted with the strongest munitions from the Gear Department to get the job done. This mission is top secret. No communication from outside will be permitted from henceforth. You are to leave immediately.”

“At least let me tell Johann not to wait for me.” I pleaded.

“That will be a negative.” Schneider responded, nodding to the person who had escorted me. 

The escort held out one black gloved hand. “We’ll be confiscating your phones and issuing you ones specifically for this mission,” the man said.

I handed over my phone and the agent placed it in a black box. Lu Mingfei did likewise. He was remarkably calm through this, but his hand was tightly squeezing mine.

“Lu Mingfei, we’ll be sending you the map of the known area. We’ll be trusting in you to find the dragon king and destroy it.” Anjou continued.

“Yes sir.”

“Dismissed, and … Godspeed.”

Another agent, female, approached and handed us our new devices. “Just say your name into them.”

“Lu Mingfei.” His device immediately turned on and recognized him as a user.

I stared at the phone. Johann’s voice echoed in my head, his face flashing in a memory. “Meixiu…” 

The phone came on.

Lu blinked. “Eh? I thought you were Charlotte?”

My lip trembled and I swallowed hard. “That’s my English name.”

We took the elevator again and this time went up, all the way to the roof. The door opened to the buffeting wind of a large helicopter with two rotors that was already waiting for us. “Mingfei!” I shouted.

He looked down at me, giving me a thumbs up. He tried to talk but he couldn’t be heard above the engine noise.

We immediately lifted off, hovering over the college and speeding off in an unknown direction. Lu pulled up the map on his phone.

“Hey… Meixiu… or Charlotte? Which do you prefer?”

“Meixiu is my S-class secret name. You can call me that if we’re alone.” I replied. “Johann gave it to me. While I was dead.”

“It’s a good name for you.” He gave me a kind smile.

“Thanks.” My smile felt taut. “So what are we looking at?”

He nodded to me once. “To be honest. I have no idea. They said it's a palace, but usually palaces for dragons are like mazes. They can change shape with moving walls and traps. The prior team probably triggered something and the dragon attacked. We’ll have to be prepared for anything.”

He continued. “You’re not experienced so I’ll tell you. Only people with pure dragon blood can enter dragon palaces. Because this palace is so ancient, it might not recognize the blood of hybrids that aren’t S-class… S-class is the strongest but also the oldest bloodline. That’s why it's so rare.”

“I see. Is that why I was able to open the doors to the last palace?” I asked.

“That’s right. And it was probably why you were chosen for that mission too.” He met my eyes. “This is something only we can do. But we can do it. You’ve been training a lot with Johann. So… you’ll be even better than before.”

I leaned back crossing my arms.. “Since when were you so cool, Mingfei. I remember you crying about drowning in a submarine.”

A blush colored his cheeks. “A lot has happened… since you were gone.” He glanced at the pilot. “I’ll tell you when we’re alone.”

The stress made my stomach roil and I was sick the whole helicopter ride. I let Mingfei read me the mission briefing so I wouldn’t get even more nauseous. After the disaster with the dragon waking in the lab and then my strong reaction to the strange machinery attached to the beast, they dated the tech at around 10,000 years old, deep within the reign of the Dark King and perhaps predating the Light King.

They were in a hurry to unlock these mysteries when the team disappeared.

We arrived at another airport and switched immediately to a plane. We were also outfitted with our supplies, including the explosive. The plane took to the air toward Siberia, chasing the west-bound sun.

With no access to the internet, no access to music or video games, Lu picked up a piece of paper. He wrote something on it.

“We’re probably being watched and listened to on this plane so… maybe not share S-class secrets.”

I gave him a thumbs up.

“So you’re doing okay?” He asked outloud.

“Yeah, I’m alright! I mean.. At least I was this morning… Geez…” I let out a breath.

“Oh I’m glad. You… made quite a splash at the school lately.” He chuckled. “Maybe even more than I did coming here.”

“Oh if you’re talking about gossip? I don’t pay any attention to that. No time.” I forced myself to relax in my seat.

“That’s good. People are obsessed with you. They follow you around a lot. I’m sure Johann keeps a lot of stuff from you too.” 

“Like what?” I looked up at him, crossing my arms.

“I uh... “ He rubbed the back of his neck. 

“No, I wanna know what they’re saying about him!”

“Well… I mean, things really didn’t get crazy until Johann got suspended. Someone got the idea that the reason wasn’t really because Johann was late getting you back, they… thought you two had slept together and got caught.”

My jaw dropped. “For real?”

“Johann didn’t really say anything after that. I think maybe he hoped the rumor would go away but uh… It didn’t.” Lu winced.

“He shouldn’t have to say anything. Anyone who knows him should know…” I crossed my arms and looked away.

“And I know you didn’t mean it but… you’re pretty much hated in the Student Union after what happened with Caesar.”

“Big whoop!” I stared out the window. “Screw him and his club.”

“It is… kind of a big deal. Caesar bankrolls every other student association in this college. Only a few are free functioning.”

My arms tightened around my chest. I rested my head against the cold glass.

He took a breath and broke the news to me. “You’re pretty much… locked out of everything on campus.”

I closed my eyes. 

“Caesar didn’t tell people to do that, but you saw how crazy some people are about him. Caesar…” He hesitated. “He wouldn’t allow them to threaten you. But he’s not going to tell them to like you. At this point, Lionheart is your only option for any club activities.”

“I’m just on a plane about to die for these idiots.” I said hoarsely “Maybe if I die, they can piss on my grave.”

“Hey! Don’t talk like that!” He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away from the window “Don’t.”

I lowered my eyes. “Sorry.”

“Johann’s waiting for you back home. He… He already lost you once.”

“Sorry…” I whispered.

He let go of me. “I’m sorry I told you.”

“No… I needed to know. I’ll just start my own club then. If that’s how it’s going to be. Club S.”

He chuckled. “Just you in it?”

“Unless you wanna join?” I shrugged.

“I’ll… consider it. But it would be us against the entire school!”

“Compared to what?” I gave a single bitter laugh.

“Point taken.” He huffed through his nose. 

Day turned to night. We got as much sleep as we could. From the Siberian airstrip we took another helicopter to the archeological dig site, a sprawling camp in front of a large cave in a mountainside. As soon as we landed we were ushered off the flight to the entrance and suited up. We weren’t going in through the entrance of the cave but a large hole bored straight through solid rock.

“You’ll be descending nine hundred feet! Once you get down there you’ll be right at the entrance of the palace!” The man, his face ringed by a fur hood, had to shout over the winds blowing in our faces. He shoved a bulky backpack in Lu’s hands.

“Is this a parachute?” Lu finally cracked, fear showing.

“It’s the fastest way to get you in! When it’s time to come back up we’ll toss you down a flying drone!”

“You expect us to jump into that giant hole?”

“We can’t put in spelunking equipment with a dragon down there! The chute opens automatically on a timer. Pull the cord and jump!”

He looked at me, eyes wide. Then he straightened up and smiled. “Okay, I guess that’s the way it is!” 

I was harnessed to Lu, holding onto the equipment, and had a front row seat as we approached the yawning void. I was whimpering and near tears.

“Okay, jumping… One… two… three!” He pulled the cord and leaped.

Both of us screamed all the way down.