#missmentelle

[ahb-writes]

Crossover research for crafting believable (relatable) antagonists for whom "doing bad things" is scarcely enough to reliably integrate readers (or other characters) into their world. Perspective and context matter, and purposefully integrating details that speak to these conscious or unconscious biases will lend a narrative a very real and genuine heartbeat.

What abusers believe.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse. 

Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them. 

[africangirlhot]

Chatroom with honey girls - Find girlfriends dating online

Source : womendateroom.co

[gryphhic]

[image ID:

Tumblr Post by user ‘missmentelle’

“Health insurance is a mental health issue. I can't help a client who can't afford to see me.

Housing is a mental health issue. I can't use therapy to help a client whose depression and anxiety come directly from sleeping in the streets.

Food insecurity is a mental health issue. I can't help a client who isn't taking their medication because their pills say "take with food" and they have nothing to eat.

Healthcare is a mental health issue. I can't help a client whose "depression" is actually a thyroid condition they can't afford to get treated.

Wages are a mental health issue. I can't help a client whose anxiety comes from the fact that they are one missed shift away from not being able to make rent.

Child care is a mental health issue. I can't help a client who works 80 hours per week to afford daycare, and doesn't have the time or energy left to come see me.

Drug policing is a mental health issue. I can't help a client who ended up in prison because they got caught self-medicating with illegal substances.

Police brutality is a mental health issue. I can't help a client whose 'anxiety' is a very real and justified fear of ending up as a hashtag.

If you're going to make a stand for improving mental health, you have to understand that addressing mental health goes way beyond hiring more therapists and talking about mental health on social media. If we're really serious about tackling this mental health problem as a country, it means rolling up our sleeves and taking down the barriers that prevent people from getting the help they need - even if those people are different than us, lead different lives, and make choices we don't agree with.

We aren't "fixing" mental health unless we're fixing it for everybody.”

//end image ID]

[cybercrimestm]

ADD and ADHD

alright, i keep seeing posts where people refer to ADD and ADHD as two separate disorders. 

both terms refer to the same disorder. 

ADD just means attention deficient disorder and ADHD means attention deficient hyperactivity disorder. ADD is an outdated term so you are more likely to hear ADHD in the psychology field.

keep in mind that just bc ADD is an outdated term doesn’t mean it still isn’t used. 

i see a lot of people base their argument on these being separate disorders on the fact that they were diagnosed with ADHD and their sibling was diagnosed with ADD. that just means that you saw different doctors or your doctor switched the term they were using. but they are still the same thing.

i also see people say that ADD and ADHD are similar but are different because ADHD includes hyperactivity and ADD doesn’t. the hyperactivity was added to the term ADD in order to make the term more accurate. that doesn’t mean that they are two separate disorders.

yes, there are different types of ADHD. just like there are different types of depression and anxiety. but just like depression refers to the same condition (ie, seasonal depression, clinical depression, etc.) ADHD is still ADD. 

for example, most girls are diagnosed with the attention deficient type of ADHD but are often not diagnosed because it manifests as being “spacey.” which is a stereotypical girl trait. most boys are diagnosed with the hyperactive type of ADHD because that is the “can’t sit still and fidgety” symptoms. which is what most people think of when they hear ADHD. but in the end, they are both are still ADHD.

i would like to point out that many people don’t like either term because it can very misleading. the terms only focuses on two symptoms that many people with ADD/ADHD don’t have. there are many more symptoms to ADHD than being fidgety or spacey.  

so if you get diagnosed with ADD you have ADHD and if you get diagnosed with ADHD you have ADD. 

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

missmentelle's "What abusers believe" post is rather uncanny in how many of the points fit Lily.

It's actually frighteningly close to how Lily behaves.

[yournewapartment]

New Podcast Episode

LISTEN NOW!

On episode 48, Mac and @missmentelle discuss all things mental health. This is a remix of one of the first YNA episodes I ever recorded, and my audio quality is not amazing. But her content is on point! Trigger warning for suicide, depression, and anxiety. Episode Links:

Todd Chavez

7cups

National Suicide Prevention Line

Calm Harm

Moodpath

Talkspace

Pacifica

Support Miss Mentelle!

Your New Apartment the blog. Your New Apartment on Patreon. Your New Apartment on Society6 Contact us: askyournewapartment@gmail.com Intro, outro, and transitional musical loops by Natalie Ice. Find her album "Hungover/Spiritual" on all your favorite streaming services. Natalia's Website. Natalia's Insta.

Hey you! Yeah you! Why not leave me a five star review on Apple Podcasts?

[longpostsummaries]

What To Do When a Loved One is Dating an Abuser

This is a very short summary of a very important long post. There is a slightly more detailed summary under the cut.​ The original post by @missmentelle is here.

"Don't try to force them to leave."

"Emphasize that they are capable of making their own choices and that you will be there for them no matter what they decide to do."

"Avoid bashing their partner."

"Focus on feelings, not labels."

"Keep your relationship with them positive."

"Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they deserve better."

"Avoid shaming and blaming."

"Encourage safety planning."

"Offer resources, but don't push them."

"Make open-ended offers of support."

"Be patient."

Take care of your own health

If your friend's okay with it, team up with other support people.

Leaving is hard. Helping is hard. It is not hopeless.

"Don't try to force them to leave." If they're not ready, they're at risk of going back. Don't push them away from you.

"Emphasize that they are capable of making their own choices and that you will be there for them no matter what they decide to do." Abusers destroy confidence; recovery is regaining autonomy.

"Avoid bashing their partner." Don't make them defend their situation to you.

"Focus on feelings, not labels." The idea of being in an abusive relationship is scary. Help them contextualize, but let them label it in their own time.

"Keep your relationship with them positive." Heavy conversations are tiring; they need pleasant socializing too.

"Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they deserve better."

"Avoid shaming and blaming." Don't do 'tough love'; it's counterproductive (and cruel).

"Encourage safety planning." It can take a long time to escape. In the meantime, help plan for known triggers.

"Offer resources, but don't push them." Emphasize autonomy; don't assume you know what will be safe for them to access.

"Make open-ended offers of support." Abusers isolate people. Show your friend you're willing to help any time, whether they keep in touch or not.

"Be patient." Leaving is a long process - be realistic about the time frame and don't give up on them.

Take care of your own health while you are helping; this is scary for you too. If your friend's okay with it, team up with other support people.

Leaving is hard. Helping is hard. It is not hopeless.

[surviving-the-semester]

59 days to go

I was reading about gray rocking from a @missmentelle question response on here. I wonder if that would work with the abusive advisor. I don't really have anything else left to try- so cannot hurt to try it.

[weltenwellen]

for the earlier anon - many mentally ill people go on to become amazing psychologists. marsha linehan, who created DBT, herself has BPD. on tumblr there's people like missmentelle and star-anise who practice social work/psychology while being mentally ill. there's a dearth of mentally ill psychologists that causes a lot of ableism in the field like the kind anon faced, and their perspective would be valuable in the field

thank you for being so kind to add that :)

[africangirlhot]

Tips on Enjoying Successful Dating Experience Online

Have you decided to date online? If yes, then you can effortlessly find out lots of dating websites as well as dating apps to go with. Whether you are going to sign up for a dating site or download a dating app, you would always like to meet a real woman or man.

Have you decided to date online? If yes, then you can effortlessly find out lots of dating websites as well as dating apps to go with. Since there are lots of dating platforms like coffee meets bagel review available online, you will surely love dating online. However, it is true that the internet has made dating easy and fast, but still, you need to be very conscious while sharing your details online with someone you meet. There could be fake profiles on various dating sites, thus, it is suggested to keep a few points in mind while dating online. Let’s check out stated below trending online dating tips that can help you enjoy a successful dating experience online.

What Exactly You Want Out of Online Dating?

Whether it is about choosing a service or product, you will always like to choose the right one that can blend with your specific requirements. The same rule can also be applied when it comes to dating on the internet. You aren’t supposed to choose a dating platform online that may not help you meet desired women or men. Instead, you would always like to visit at a dating portal that can help you browse through profiles of desired types of girls or women online for dating.

Keeping your specific requirements in mind can help you make your dating experience an unforgettable moment of your life. For instance, if you want to date with a Slavic girl, you need to sign up for a dating site like coffee meets bagel review that can help you exploring profiles of Slavic women online for dating. So, it can be concluded that if you want to make online dating journey a great experience of your life, you need to first evaluate your dating requirements. Without knowing your dating requirements and budget, you may not be able to make the right dating decision.

How to Recognize Fake Profiles on Dating Sites or Dating Apps

Whether you are going to sign up for a dating site or download a dating app, you would always like to meet a real woman or man. You aren’t supposed to date with a fake profile. But the problem is that most of the dating sites come incorporated with endless fake or flashy profiles of women. Obviously, you will never like to date a man hiding with fake details of a girl. Instead, you would like to visit at a dating app or dating site that can help you exploring profiles of real women online for dating. For this, you need to learn how to recognize fake profiles of women on dating sites.

There could be various ways to recognize a fake profile of a girl on a dating website, but the most important point is to choose the right dating site. For instance, if you go with a free flashy dating site for dating online, you aren’t supposed to find out genuine profiles of real women online for dating. Thus, you are suggested to first choose the right dating website such as Victoria secrets. Choosing the right dating site like coffee meets bagel review can help you unveiling a big collection of profiles of real women for dating on the internet.

Know the Importance of Completing Profiles on a Dating Site or Dating App

It is often seen that most of the individuals don’t take profiles on dating sites seriously. Thus, the profile incomplete information about their profiles. If you are also among those individuals, you need to stop practicing it. Instead, you should accept the fact that an incomplete profile on a dating site simply smells a fraud. Obviously, you will never like to make your profile looks flashy or fake. Thus, you are suggested to provide complete information about your profile online.

Apart from that providing complete details about your personality can help potential women send you request. If you don’t provide adequate information on your dating profile, you aren’t supposed to receive a positive response from women or men. Thus, if you are leaving your profile incomplete on dating websites or dating apps, you need to change this habit. You should start filling the required information on your dating profile.

Behave Decently

However, it is true that most of the individuals whether men or women sign up for a dating site to enjoy casual meet up or hook up, but it doesn’t mean that you should forget decency. You aren’t supposed to send vulgar messages to anyone on the dating site. Instead, you should be very polite while sending interests to your female counterparts. It is usually observed that most of the men simply get out of control. They start behaving on dating sites as though they are on an escort website. Obviously, this tendency should be changed if you want to enjoy trending online dating successfully.

Since women have to face such a situation usually, the bumble dating app has come with a unique feature that enables only women to send interest. This way, women can easily protect their profile from unwanted men. It is certainly a great feature that helps women prohibiting unwanted messages. So, if you want to make your dating journey an outstanding experience, you need to be very decent while sending interest to women for dating online.

Keep Trying  

It is a fact that most of the individuals simply leave dating sites because they don’t grab the desired success. Obviously, you aren’t going to find out a date instantly. Thus, you need to keep trying when it comes to dating online. However, there are various dating websites like coffee meets bagel review or dating apps that can help you browse through genuine profiles of women, but still, you may not be able to end up with a right date. Thus, you should keep trying for dating. You should not leave the job in midway.

When you keep trying to learn how to date online, you will soon be able to understand the language of dating online. Obviously, online dating is the difference from offline dating. On the internet, people can’t see each other before a perfect match. ThusBusiness Management Articles, it is your way of sending messages or profile information that can attract potential daters towards it.

Other Dating Tips

[theartidote]

How to Tell Your Friend That You Need a Break From Supporting Them: • "When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries. • Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship. • Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy - don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly: • 'It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while. I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this. • This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?... “ -missmentelle / artwork by James Chia Han Lee ••• Instagram has limits - for the full version of this text visit facebook.com/theartidot

[yournewapartment]

Any adult/advice blogs you would recommend following or who you follow?

I am def gonna forget somebody but my recs for Adulting/advice blogs are:

@herhighnessthequeen

@adulttalk

@creatingbliss

@howtogrowthefuckup

@howtomusicmajor

@bitchesgetriches

@growup-gloup

@missmentelle

@collegecoward

@lifehacksthatwork

@howtoimpersonateanadult

@emmastudies

@disc0queen

Other blogs that aren’t “adulting” or strictly advice related, but I find myself reblogging them on the regular:

@thebibliosphere

@foodffs

@everybody-loves-to-eat

@copperbadge

@ukesonfire

@lowspoonsfood

@gardengeektime

@anticolonialvibes

@mimi-eats-carbs

@d-a-n-i-s-h

@feralreptile

@thurisazsalail

@argyleapple

@cat-memes-only

@systlin

@thebootydiaries

@hashtag-ur-it

@matteglitter

@post--grad

@positivelylgbtq

@writing-reference

@mapsontheweb

[transienturl]

I can’t reblog this whole tag without getting unfollowed but like

https://iguanamouth.tumblr.com/tagged/i+used+to+wash+bees/

these are all unreal and I totally would

also more art here https://lizardshuffle.tumblr.com/

if I had to show people 5 blogs to demonstrate the quality of original content available on tumblr dot com, I think I’d have to pick iguanamouth, charminglyantiquated, prokopetz, missmentelle... maybe stutterhug, lewisandquark, mikedawwwson? I can’t cut that down to 5, why did I pick 5 anyways

[missmentelle]

Let’s talk about something called the “sunk cost fallacy”.

Say that you’ve bought a concert ticket for $50 for a band that you don’t know that well. Half an hour into the show, you realize that you don’t actually enjoy the music and you aren’t having a good time - instead of leaving the concert to go do something else, however, you sit through the remaining hours of the concert because you don’t want to “waste” the cost of the ticket. 

Congratulations, you’ve just fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

The “sunk cost fallacy” is something that all humans are prone to when we make decisions. Simply put, it’s the human tendency to consider past costs when we make choices, even when those costs are no longer relevant. When you’re deciding whether or not to stay at that concert you aren’t enjoying, you will likely consider the cost of the ticket when you’re making your decision - for instance, you’d probably be a lot more willing to leave a $5 concert that you aren’t enjoying than a $50 concert that you aren’t enjoying. But taking the cost of the ticket into account at all is a mistake. 

When you’re making a rational decision, the only thing that matters is the future. Time, effort and money that you’re spent up until that point no longer matter - it doesn’t make sense to consider them, because no matter what you decide, you can’t actually get them back. They are “sunk” costs. If you decide to stay at that concert, you are out $50 and you’ll have a mediocre evening. If you decide to go leave and do something more fun, you are out $50 and you'll have a better evening. No matter what you choose, you have lost $50 - but choosing to leave the concert means that you haven’t also spent an evening doing something you don’t like.

The sunk cost fallacy is sometimes also described as “throwing good money after bad” - people will waste additional time, resources and effort simply to justify the fact that they’ve already wasted time, resources and effort, even if it leaves them worse off overall. 

Common examples of sunk cost fallacy in everyday life include:

refusing to get rid of clothes that don’t fit or that you never wear because they were expensive

going to an event that you no longer want to go to because you already bought the ticket 

spending more and more money on repairing a car or computer (or something else that depreciates in value over time) instead of buying a new one because you don’t want to waste the money you put into earlier repairs

continuing to watch a movie or TV show you aren’t enjoying anymore because you’ve already watched part of it 

finishing a plate of food that you’re not enjoying or are too full to enjoy, because you don’t want to waste it

refusing to get rid of unused, unwanted or broken items in your home because the items were expensive

Perhaps the most damaging example of sunk cost fallacy in everyday life, however, is relationships. 

People often use the length of a relationship to justify staying in it. You’ve probably heard this logic - you may even have used it yourself: “I can’t break up with him or the two years we spent together will be for nothing.”

“If I leave her, it will mean I wasted the five years I spent with her.”

The reality, though, is that staying in a mediocre relationship doesn’t “give you back” the time you’ve already invested in that relationship. It just makes the relationship longer. If you stay in a bad relationship for five more years to avoid “wasting” the first two, you haven’t actually made those first two years worthwhile - you’ve simply spent seven years of your life in a bad relationship. There’s nothing we can do to recover time and effort (and in most cases, money) that we’ve already spent. But we can forgive ourselves, and we can stop letting our past mistakes continue to define our futures.