#and it doesnt help that i have really bad anxiety around sleeping anyway cause if i feel any unusual pain or feeling

[hatsalad]

.

[hebimoonlightwrites]

heyho~! sry for going anon, but i really love your writing and ive been following you for a while but i also wanted a way to support you so here i go!!

i was thinking a bit (a lot) about who to request for cause i dont really have a favorite in hypmic… lets ignore the fact that ive been a crazy hypster for 4 years! anyways, i was wondering if you could pick a character for me based on some info about me? think of it as like one of those “which character from __ would be your s/o” except this time youre making the decision! sorry for being so indecisive dbdbcbejd but it would make me really happy if you had fun while writing this, if even a little! (btw if you cant/dont want to deal w/ this rq, dw!! and also sry for any spelling errors TT)

she/her pronouns! angst to fluff preference, s/o relationship!

some tidbits about me: i enjoy singing a lot! i also voice act a little, mostly for rhythm game fandoms! im a member of a professional choir part time, and i sing vocaloid songs a lot mostly when im alone! i hate singing too loudly though, especially in front of other people. i have a social anxiety disorder, which makes it hard to do a lot of things, im quite open, cheery, and light/soft hearted if you get to know me, and a bit of an airhead i have to admit- but i really do care for others even if it doesnt seem like it. very quiet in front of people i dont know well, and i come off as a bit gloomy and harsh to people im not familiar with, so i dont have many friends or people im close to at all. love/hate relationship w/ the idea of “love”, since i didnt really grow up around people who expressed that at all. but id be a very compassionate and dedicated lover. a bit hesitant for physical contact due to trauma and ptsd. only fine around people i can really trust. still a bit hesitant though, sometimed it triggers bad trauma. i dont like talking about family stuff since it was sorta abusive and not pleasant. i really enjoy vocaloid and utauloid, and cute j pop w/ mesmerizing dark backstories. i dress in mostly oversized vests/sweaters, in an attempt to make my frame seem smaller. some of my other intrests are: psychological horror games, pokemon, animanga, hypmic, enstars, milgram, given, sasaki to miyano, sanrio, etc etc :D i really like astrology and reincarnation stuff a lot! i can read people’s thoughts easily, which is kinda a pro/con alike. my sense of humor is… limited? i usually dont really show my feelings to other people. i lash out quite a lot… i really like soft plushies, stickers, sleeping, and sweet stuff! bubble waffles, taiyaki, hard milk candy, ice cream, konpeito, to name a few! i loveee stars, and hearts too! if im not listening to music or sleeping, im probably spaced out somewhere! i really like people who arent afraid to approach me, rather id be delighted if anyone came and just said a simple hi! people who can look past my quiet demeanor and can help me cope w/ some of my pain are the best! maybe just someone nice ig?? and someone w/ a lot of empathy! (bonus if they are a good cook cause my cooking… uh…) my favorite animals are cats, otters, foxes, anything cute! some characters i kin from various fandoms are: ramuda, hifumi, yuno kashiki, chuuya nakahara, mafuyu asahina, mika kagehira, ai hoshino, etc! i really like the colors pink, red, purple, and black! i want someone who can just tell me that i will be loved, and im important!!!! i think? not even sure if im capable of loving someone even- hehe just a silly thought though

thank you so much hebi!!

sending lots of love and stars your way!!

-neru

also i forgot to add this but, i HATE bugs. kinda scared of them too. especially the small ones. btw gl on exams hebi!! -neru

Writer's corner: Hi, sweetheart! Of course I can do something like this! You're the first one requesting about it, so I'm sorry if there's something you maybe don't like! (feel free to tell me and correct me!♥) Also, you really seem a nice person, actually!! Feel free to text me each time you want to, dear!!♥ I'm going to develop this like a kind of description and explanation of the reason why I chose that character, okay? Of course, feel free to tell me if there's something you want me to fix! Plus, if there's something that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry! It's not my intention, dear♥ qwq

Warnings: So sorry! It's the first time someone requests me something like this! So sorry if it's bad qwq♥

⭐𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬/𝐨⭐

As I got the information about you, I immediately understood what kind of precious person you are..

⭐First of all, I got the idea that you are that kind of woman (maybe girl? idk, but I prefer using "woman" in general, since I don't know if you're younger or older qwq) who prefers to get lost in her own world, in those things and thoughts that are able to make her happier! You seem that kind of woman who seems a bad one, but who is actually compassionate and selfishless! You say that you're harsh towards the others, but I think you are so, not because you're a bad person, but because you are afraid instead-- Yes, afraid that someone could hurt you in any way!

⭐You said that you have some traumas, and well.. then it's because you went through so much pain that you're afraid of showing your true self! Because I seriously think that other people are sure that what they see is your true self when it's actually a kind of mask- oh better, an armor- you're using to protect yourself! You're both a strong and weak woman: you've gone through a lot of pain but you are still keeping going on!♥ You only told me that you like to sing and to voice act, but I bet that you do those things perfectly and that you're very talented! Maybe even the greatest singer among the choir!!

⭐In short, you immediately gave me some BusterBros!!! or Bad Ass Temple vibes, since you even mentioned your being otaku and your love for astrological things and reincarnation! Plus, the fact that you love plushies a lot and that you are very capable to understand people around you deeply and easily, well.. You're literally someone I'd ship with one boy among BusterBros or Bad Ass Temple!

⭐But to be sure to choose the perfect one for you, I really need to focus more on what you'd like to have in a relationship... ...also I don't really know about your age, so... I'm imagining you're like... 20-25..

But what do you want in a relationship?- You told me you'd like to have someone who can understand you, who can let you cope when you need to get out of your chest that pain you've inside.. and someone who can cook!!

---->If we take a look at all the BusterBros and Bad Ass Temple boys.. well:

⭐Jiro: I don't think he can actually cook and he also doesn't like horror stuff (while you said you like horror and psychological games). But he's well-versed in anime due to Ichiro, soo... I guess you could get along well with him anyway!

⭐Saburo: I mean.. he would agree with you about the pda fact and about the family one.. But he would really be a good gamer/friend! I can picture you both playing video-games.. I don't know, though, if he likes horror ones.. but he likes fantasy ones for sure! In any way, I don't really know how good he could be at comforting you! Maybe he'd be the best, since he also looks kind of harsh and unfriendly while he's actually a kind boy...-

⭐Kuko: Literally the best to talk to about your passion for reincarnation stuff! I'm also sure he would comfort you and even let you cope, but after that he would even fill you with Buddhist moralistic sentences and would try his best to give you some advices as well.. BUT he doesn't seem the one who can cook-----

⭐Jyushi: I mean.. you could be his sister actually in my opinion! You like plushies, just like him. You are introverted and went through pain just like he did.. You like astrological things just like he does! I mean.. You're exactly the same! But.. Sorry, Jyushi.. I don't think you would be able to fully comfort Neru when she needs it! Jyushi would literally start crying or make the situation sadder somehow in my opinion, and you literally need someone who can cheer you up and remind you that you're amazing and worth it- not someone who makes you feel even sadder! (sorry, Jyushi- qwq♥)

⭐Hitoya: He's another one who could actually be perfect for you, in my opinion! I mean.. he's a kind-hearted man who lives for justice! I bet he would fight against your "enemies" and do his best to make you feel appreciated and loved. Also I'm sure he'd be happy to listen to you when you need, and he would be great at comforting you, but.. I mean.. it depends on your age, sweetheart! qwq♥

I know it could sound basic, but...

Ichiro would be the best in my opinion!

⭐We're literally talking about a young man who's working hard each day at the Odd Jobs Yamada only to keep letting his brothers go on studying! If we think about it, it's really generous, actually! Ichiro is literally the one supporting not only himself and his own economical needs, but even his brother's ones and the apartment they all live in!!!

⭐The perfect boyfriend and husband, in my opinion!

⭐Also, he's kind-hearted! I'm sure he wouldn't mind listening to you while you're coping and letting all your pain out of your chest. He would definitely stop doing whatever he is doing only to get to you and comfort you! I'm 100% sure that he would also tell you something like: "Cry if you need to, love.." and would also be capable of turning around if you prefer to cry alone, without showing him.

⭐Otherwise, if you ask him to comfort you by hugging you, he would do it without any hesitation! On the other hand, he would respect your time and would avoid to get some PDA if you preferred not to get it!

⭐You could also play some games together or even read mangas too!

⭐I bet he would also cook your favourite dishes and sweets as well, maybe even teaching you how to cook! I'm 100% that Ichiro would also support you and tell you that your cooking is not that bad!

⭐He'd be there each time you feel like you need to remember that you're an amazing and valuable woman!

⭐"Hey, Neru! You can be yourself while you are around me! Stop being afraid of messing things up! You're amazing just the way you are!"♥

TOP 3 characters, results:

⭐1- Ichiro

⭐2-Hitoya

⭐3-Kuko

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

[nothing-ramblings]

havent rambled in a while which might seem lile things have been fine but actually i just forgot this blog existed. honestly the whole purpose of this is i have a weird unreasonable sense of guilt if i ramble/vent on my main so i figured id make a side blog but instead i just bottle shit up which is stupid this is supposed to be a thing that helps me process thoughts and emotions whether its about laios autism or personal things

anyway. i have to go to the dr tomorrow but i dont have an appointment which means ill be waiting for hours unsure of when she'll be able to see me. This isnt even a choice im making, the clinic called me and asked me to do this because my test resulta came back and my tsh levels r way too high (TSH is a thyroid hormone, i have hypothyroidism) so the dr needs to see me asap but she doesnt rlly have any opening on her schedule so ill have to go and wait

theres a whole bunch of reasons this is stressing me out to the point in making a rambly tumblr post at 2am

1. i checked the symptoms for hypothyroidism (most of my life my meds had been thebright dosage so i forgot what the symptoms felt like) and it explains like 70% of the shitbive been struggling including my worsening depression. this means the logical conclusion to fixing my meds would be i get better and i can finally do things instead of being in bed all day too exhausted to live. But ofc being a person with anxiety i am terrified that i might not get better at all and maybe theres something inherently broken with me.

2. The eait time is usually very long. Because of the fucked up hormone i mentioned i have been struggling with fatigue, so the idea of the long wait is stressful. When i get tired i get easily overstimulated. And theres always too many people in the upstairsnwaiting room which makes me feel claustrophobic, and then the downstairs waiting area has a metal ramp that kids love running up and down being extremely loud and parents dont bother to stop them cause they dont care if their children are fisturbing other sick ppl ig. i dont blame the kids for this, they're bother and full of energy, but the loud metal thunk thunk thunk as they run makes me feel like im going to die. thats not an exageration. i feel awful.

3. I have way too many things to discusss w the doctor that are possibly related to the fucked hormone levels and idk if shes gonna listen to me cause i have way too many memories of doctors not rlly listening to me.

I dont want to go. I need to, because the sooner as i fix the dosage the sooner i might regain at least some energy. And then i wont feel so useless cause ill be able to exercise or help around the house more. So i know i have to go, i just really dont want to and im extremelynstressed about that which wont help my sleep. And bad sleep wont help the fatigue ill already have to deal with. and im tired and a mess and i want this to be over with.

ig thats the vent idk. gn?

[bahngray]

LIMERENCE

Disclaimer This work is for mature audience.

Pairing hyunjin x reader x felix

Parts: Chapter 1

Synopsis - because loving does not need reasons

Some questions dont have answers and I've never gotten the answer to why Hyunjin wasnt letting me in. Why he was being so stubborn and keeping me away when he wanted me, when he knew we would be happy together. I have loved him all my life and let me tell you when you love someone, you are ought to get hurt by them.

Chapter 2 : But I wanna hold you

He picks me up and makes me sit on the nearby bench. He doesnt ask me anything but rather when he sees me break down again he hugs me tight.

I should have pushed him away, he was a stranger but I didnt, in that moment I just let him hold me and for a moment I thought it was hyunjin, it was him who ran to get me, it was him who was holding me, comforting me, telling me it was alright. But it wasnt him.

"Heyy its okay, its alright, come on lets drink some water okay?" He said. I sniffed and rejected the waterbottle he gave me but he made sure I drank the water and said, " I definitely think you need these tissues, u dont want to go around with snot in your nose do you?"

And I laughed, I was trying to calm down and he laughed along with me.

"BTW, Hi I'm Felix, I'm the new transfer student from Australia, hope we get along, oh right can u show me the path to the office I was told to drop by there today" he said.

I nodded and sniffed before I finally spoke, "walk straight and then take a left and you'll find the office"

"Thanks" with that being said he didnt leave to go but rather he sat beside me and after a while he finally spoke, "Hey do you mind if I take you home or wherever your going?"

"No no no you don't really have to, it's not that far I can go myself plus it's not that late" but he didn't listen, he grabbed my arm and took me to his car.

"Wait here I'll be back in a few mins, okay?"

I nodded, not quiet sure why he was doing this. Normally this would mean something was up but some part of me wanted to trust him. So I waited in the car.

He came back in a few mins as he had said and started the car. We sat in silence while he drove the car. He finally breaked the silence saying, "So you haven't told me your name yet, or do you not want to tell me?"

"Oh right, I mean I'm sorry for causing all this trouble to you but I'm Y/N, ask me for help whenever you want cause there's a lot to learn here haha" I said to lighten the mood.

He was unreadable, I couldn't understand why he was doing this, the not so good thoughts started to spin round my mind, so I blabbed out like an idiot, " Honestly its kinds weird, cause I really dont know why your doing this or whether your normally like this uhh-"

"Dont worry I'm not a bad person just know that" he laughs.

He looked beautiful when he laughed.

Embarassed I didnt say a word the whole ride home. When we reached at my apartment he quickly got off his seat and rushed over to open the door to my side.

Cute. Thats the only thing I could think.

"Well then I'll see you tomorrow!" I beamed loudly.

"Arent you way too happy to know the fact that you'll be seeing me again tomorrow?" *smirks*

"Yahh I didnt mean it like that" I yelled at him.

"Yeah okay" *smiles* he said. "Anyways I'll see you tomorrow"

I waved him bye and watched as he left.

And the anxiety of hyunjin leaving me filled me up, the fact that he was never willing to love me as much as I was left me broken. Because loving hyunjin wasnt like just loving him but it was like walking into a house and realizing that you were home.

But all I could do was deny and tell myself that all of this was a lie, Hyunjin just needed more time and in order for us to be happy I could give him that time.

And there it was denial to the truth, to the reality of us. Denial was like an old blanket I loved to get under that thing and curl up and go to sleep.

*The Next Day*

I wasnt in shape to meet hyunjin today and do our assignment so I decided to ignore him. I entered the building and froze when I saw hyunjin. I wanted to run but it was as if my feet were stuck on the ground.

Just as hyunjin started walking towards me I felt a tap at on my shoulder, I turned around to see felix and let me tell you I dont think I was ever happy to see a person this much as I was to see felix.

"Hi-" before he could say anything I took hand and dragged him to my locker.

"whoa whoa wait up" he said gasping for air, "what is going on why did u drag me here?"

"Umm I wanted to talk to you in private" he gave me a perplexed look, "You call this private? Y/N there are people here and there, cant you see?"

Like an idiot I just laughed, " Oh guess it wasnt a nice private spot to talk haha"

*A Month Later*

Felix and I, we got along really well, we had similarities as well as dissimilarities but he understood me well. I liked him that way. I always shared my concerns with him except the hyunjin part but he was always there when I needed him. When I needed hyunjin he was always there beside me, making me forget the dreadful memories.

Its been a month since hyunjin and I last talked, we didnt do the assignment together he changed his partner and I was left alone when felix offered to be my partner. I never spoke to him, he never called, never texted, it was as if we didnt know each other. We ignored each other as much as we could but i couldn't take it any longer so I decided to talk to him one afternoon after class.

He was as usual in his spare room working on his assignment with his new partner who was just a disgustingly flirty girl called Mia. I walked in and he didnt even look up, "Hyunjin we need to talk" I said.

"I'm working cant you see?" he said annoyed, I grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the room to our empty classroom.

"What? what is it?" he said. "What is it? Do you even know we havent talked for a month and we have been ignoring each other? Why are we doing this hyunjin? Why?" I said my voice a little shaky.

"We should just ignore each other its for our best. We cant go back to how we were, you get that, I cant go back Y/N its hard for me" he said looking me in the eye.

"Do you think I'm a joke? Hyunjin I love you, is it so hard for you to understand that? I know you love me back then why are you hesitating? Why?" I said as tears started streaming down my face.

"I dont love you y/n, I'm not capable of loving you. I'm afraid I might hurt you and I cant bear that pain to see you hurt because of me, so please stop, we can stop this" he said as his eyes started to turn red.

"I...I hate you, all this time I waited for you like a fool thinking you just needed time, that after you were fine we could love each other sincerely, truly, but you, you proved me wrong you never really truly loved me, your disgusting hyunjin, your just scared of loving the women you love. Is loving me that hard? Am I not your type?" I rushed to get out of the classroom, tears falling down my face.

As I walked out of the building I saw that person I shouldnt have. Felix. When he saw me crying he rushed over to hug me tightly in his arms.

"Its alright, its okay I'm here"

With Felix there were no lies he knew why I was crying, he knew what was going on and he knew why I hadnt told him abt hyunjin. This is one of the reasons why I liked Felix.

After I calmed down he took me home and stayed with me. "I should go home now" he said breaking the hug, "No' I said, "Stay"

With that being said Felix kissed me, he smashed his lips on mine and I know I should have moved away, I should have stopped him but I didnt I let him love me.

His hands moved down my body and within a few secs he got me on his lap. While one of his hands gripped the back of my face and the other was around my waist he bit my lower lip asking for permission. I gave him what he wanted. His tongue explored my mouth and it felt like heaven and I felt the most pleasure I had ever since hyunjin touched me.

I moaned feeling his hands on my breasts. Felix broke the kiss and looked up at me, "Fuck your so beautiful" he exclaimed.

He smashed his lips again with mine and kissed me more passionately this time, he carefully lifted me up and placed me on my bed asking, "Can we do this? We dont do this if you dont want to, okay?"

"We can do this" I said, he hovered over me kissing me for what felt like the thousandth time and I started to unbutton his shirt. He pulled my croptop up and helped me take my leggings off. When I was just in my undergarments he stared at me and whispered,"Your so fucking gorgeous"

He licked his lips as his hand touched my almost bare body. He slipped off his shirt and revealed his toned abs, he unbuckled his belt and took off rest of his clothing and all I could see was a naked felix standing infront of me. Felix was beautiful, despite him as a person his body proportions were heavenly.

He kissed me as he took off my bra and he stared at the sight of my breasts revealing themselves. He kissed my breasts, licking my nipples, as a result getting a soft moan out of me. His hands soon made their way to the elastic of my underwear.

He looked up at me for permission and I nodded. He took off my black underwear and was drooling at the sight he saw. His mouth made its way from my chest to my inner thighs and lastly at my wet clit. I moaned at the amount of pleasure I was receiving. His mouth was doing its job eating me out, sucking my tensed skin.

"Felix I think...I.I.I'm going to cum" and without a warning I released all the hot liquid from inside of me. Felix sucked on my fluids and his mouth was on mine again, kissing me as hard as he could and me gasping for air.

His hands squished my breast ever so lightly while kissing me it felt as if I was flying. Without any warning he thrusted into me, the feeling of his length sending me over the moon. "Go faster" I whispered.

He gripped my hands and relentlessly thrusted into me, I rolled my hips to feel his full length inside of me. The bed made creaking noises as moans kept spilling out of my mouth, Felix was losing his mind, thrusting into me slowly but deeply and hitting me in the right spot.

At last he filled me with all his essence getting one last moan from me, as he fell on top of me. He soon got up gave me a peck on the lips and washed up. He bought some white towels to wash me up and then laid beside me putting his hands on my waist while dozing off to sleep.

I was awake, ruining myself at the thought of how all this pleasure that I have received wasnt from Hyunjin. I knew I couldnt hurt Felix and play with his feelings, I knew that. But even though I had spend the night with him my heart still longed for Hyunjin. I still wished it was Hyunjin who made love to me.

I felt ashamed that I had used Felix but I wasnt going to anymore, I am going to love him. I am going to forget Hyunjin for the better. I am going to try. Felix was an amazing person and I'm not sure whether he deserved someone like me, he deserved someone far better.

But starting from now I am going to love him and I'm going to forget Hyunjin. With these thoughts I soon dozed off to sleep.

[i-cant-sing]

Hi, I was wondering if you could write a yandere poly EraserMic scenario where cause of them kidnapping their darling, the darling developed a bad skin picking habit, to cope with being kidnapped. Please?

Yandere Erasermic

Girl that's me. Anytime I get stressed, especially during exam season, I start picking on my skin.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Erasermic:

They wish they could help you somehow. But they can't. They understand that its a nervous habit. That you're just stressed. And that's why you're damaging your skin like that.

While they're glad that you're not actively lashing out at them, they're worried because you're just bottling up your emotions and anxiety, and you have to let it out in some way when it gets too much.

They'll try to talk to you. Make you try to drop this habit. Always kissing up your scars as they pull your hands away, telling you that it isn't healthy.

When talking doesnt work, they'll make you wear mittens, trim your nails so that they're blunt. They'll even swat your hands if they catch you doing it.

If you don't stop doing scarring your skin, they might even take you to a doctor. Maybe there's actually a medical explanation for this.

They'll buy you the best anti scarring medicines available. They'll put the ointment on your scars and blemishes themselves.

If your stress levels are still high, they'll try to get you to do some other activities that could help you release this pent up negative energy, like cardio or cooking or something.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't realise they had come home. You heard one of them gasp, before he ran to you. Hizashi pulled your hands away from your face. It was really bad this time. Your fingernails were stained with blood, cheeks were red and there was blood oozing out where you had scratched your old scabs. "(Y/n) what- Shou! Where's the wash cloth-" Aizawa cut him off by giving him the wet cloth to clean your face.

Hizashi started cleaning the blood of your face, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. Once he was done, you talked to them for the first time since they had returned home. "I'm sorry."you didn't sound like you were, but you said it anyway. Hizashi smiled sadly, kissing your cheek before telling you that he's going to get your scar ointment from the room, Aizawa still standing in the corner of the room, looking at you with disappointment.

As soon as Hizashi was out of your sight, your hands made their way to your face but they were stopped by something soft yet firm wrapping around them. It was his capture weapon. Aizawa tightened the scarf around your hands, not too tight to cause pain but tight enough that you couldn't escape out of its grip.

He sat next to you, gathering you up in his lap, ignoring the way your body tensed up, as he waited for Hizashi to return. "Why do you do this to yourself?"Aizawa asked you, rubbing your back soothingly. You feared the punishment that would ensue if you told them the truth, so you just shrugged and said that you were sorry. Aizawa already knew what the reason was, but he wanted to hear you say it. He just sighed, kissing your temple and hugging you closer.

Once Hizashi had put the ointment on you, they let you go to sleep, your hands covered with mittens. But when you woke up the next morning, the mittens were replaced by soft, cushioned cuffs.

"Its for your own good. We don't want you to scratch yourself up kitten."

Requests are open! Send in some spicy asks! Maybe some Enji, Dabi, Hawks? Or Ushijima from Haikyuu???

[sharkmobster]

more funtime found family au stuff but this time focusing on funtime freddy and michael's relationship. it's incredibly rambly and turns into off-kilter dialogue but i gotta get this off my chest.

tw mentioned child abuse/death

• doesn't actually like michael (at first) even tho i draw them hanging around each other a lot

• bon bon is the only reason he does loaf around him. (bon bon and bonnet being the only ones who like Michael in the beginning.) They're attached to each other so it's inevitable that they would hang around mikey.

• ft freddy plays really mean spirited jokes on michael bc he's not allowed to harm him. he has to get real creative. (ft freddy has a lot of anger inside of him. people write him off as being dumb and goofy but really that's just a mask that he put up so he didn't scare people away. of course the funtimes know how he is, knows who he is right to his core bc they're all connected on a deeper/technological level.)

• (slaps funtime freddy. this bear can fit so much trauma and abandonment issues in him!)

• can be incredibly vindictive when he wants to be and takes out a lot of his agression on Michael. michael shares the afton name (bc he sure as hell doesn't look like william in my au lol) and that alone is enough for ft freddy to bully him.

• (the funtimes blame william for abandoning them so ft freddy takes it especially personal when his ankle biter comes around to "liberate" them. and on some deeper level freddy is just terrified that michael will abandon them all, just like willy did. he never voices this of course. opting to show his apprehension and fear in a more destructive way, pushing Michael further away.)

• canon ft freddy: sinister but still goofy and knows how to have a good time

my ft freddy: goofy and repressed anger issues, doesn't know how to enjoy himself without causing someone some kinda pain.

• michael gets fed up with being terrorized eventually and confronts him, and ft freddy drops the silly act for a bit just ready to blow up at him. (he can't even place why he's still so angry at michael when really he's been nothing but hospitable and accomodating to their wants and needs but fuck he's just so wound up he doesn't know what to do) michael compares him to william during the argument (cruel and vindictive just like william wanted) and ft freddy nearly rings his neck, absolutely seething but bon bon doesnt let that happen of course. (idk if this is confirmed canon but bon bon was designed to placate freddy. he raises his voice even slightly and bon bon's petting his face, stopping him from getting even more agressive)

• ft freddy shuts down after the confrontation ends (emotionally, anyway) and the blow out itself is completely anti climatic, nobody getting hurt. he ends up isolating himself from the others with bon bon hovering around like a concerned mother hen. Baby and the others give him space but michael (after he cools down anyways) won't leave him alone.

• See the thing is: Michael understands. Michael understands more than anyone what it's like to feel so deeply, what it's like to hate and hate and to keep hating until that rage is your whole life. It's suffocating. and he had to deal with that all on his own, choking on his own grief and rage without anyone to guide him. (his brother is dead bc of him and he carries that with him everywhere he goes, in everything he does.)

• They're living in the countryside of France at this point in time, far off from any wandering eyes, a thick forest surrounding their home. Freddy has a few hiding spots that he scouted out within the first few days of staying there. And that's where Michael finds him, hiding out in a small alcove by the a creek, throwing rocks at the trees (and sometimes wildlife).

• freddy doesn't aknowledge him, ignoring him like a child would and bon bon frets nervously between them, not wanting another fight to break out. Michael tells them that he's not here to fight anymore, he just wants to talk. you like to talk, don't you? and freddy doesn't say anything, running his fingers through the dirt, absentmindedly.

• michael asks bon bon to leave so that they can have a private convo and bon bon freaks out like absolutely not, he might hurt you and michael asks freddy directly like "are you going to hurt me?" freddy still isn't talkative, and he's rigid when he shakes his head no after a bit of silence. Bon Bon asks if he's alright with him leaving and freddy just shrugs, still staring at nothing in the distance. bon bon hesitates for a few moments before finally leaving, telling Michael to call out to him if he's in danger but michael rushes him along.

• it's just them now, nothing but the sounds of nature around them. michael asks how he's feeling and freddy shrugs again. Michael strikes up a one sided conversation, stepping closer and closer to him over time not really getting any kinda response out of him but eventually, during his rambling, freddy finally looks at him and says "Y-You just don't get-get it." and then goes back to the silent treatment.

• Michael's quiet, having made his way up to standing right next to freddy (he's only a tiny bit taller than him when he's just sitting like that). he nods his head, considering something for a while until finally he goes "Did I ever tell you about what it was like? Ya know. Being William Afton's golden child?" freddy doesn't say anything but he pauses from drawing circles in the dirt, tilts his head just a fraction to let mikey know he's listening.

• michael stares at the creek. "He wasn't the most outwardly loving father. Wasn't really the nicest one, either. But, I wanted his approval so bad, I'd do anything for it." Freddy slowly turns his head to watch him carefully. that's got his attention. "I did a bunch of stupid shit back then, all cause I wanted to be noticed by him. But all that attention went to my little-" and michael draws in a sudden breath, pained. stays silent for a moment, working up the courage to speak. "I did something awful to my brother. All for my father. And it's an awful thing to say but his death didn't matter. Pops didnt bat an eye and Mom was too far gone by that point after Elizabeth...." he looks back in the direction of the cottage. "Well.... you know what happened to Elizabeth." Freddy's stare is hard and unyielding. "He's gone now and I was the only one who cared enough. His fuckin' abuser cared more for his passing than his own father did."

• "He threw me into the basement. Did you know that?" Michael bounces from one foot to another, anxiety written into his very bones. he's lost in his rambling now, having never spoken these words out loud to anyone. "I killed his son and he locked me away in the dark for three years." Freddy fully turns to give Michael his undivided attention, stock still, hanging off of his every word. "I got out. Eventually. I ran away and lived on the streets for years until someone got a hold of me. Told me my old man was missing, presumed dead. Got a pretty penny from the fazbear business he co-owned with Mr. Emily. Things were going good, I guess. I was overwhelmed for the most part, didn't do anything other than bounce around from hotels every few days. In some way, I felt like he was still out there, watching me. I just kept running. And then i found out about you." He glances at freddy and looks away quickly when he finds an unblinking visage staring back. "Found out about all of you. Locked away in a storage facility for over 30 years. In the dark. All alone." an incredibly long silence stretches out between them, freddy fidgeting, hyperaware of every noise going on around them.

• "You think I don't get it. But I do. I think I understand you more than anyone could." Michael's staring back at him, raw emotion across his face, eyes soft with empathy and that's what makes Freddy turn away from him. Suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't want to fight with you. Not you. Not Ballora, or Foxy, or Eli-" He visibly winces, but regains his composure. "...I just... need you to understand that I want to help."

• Freddy's never been so quiet, and it's such an odd sight. Michael's not sure if he should say anything else or if he should leave the bear alone. the bear speaks up, finally "W-We could've kill-killed you."

• "That was always a possibility, yeah. I woulda deserved it." Freddy's not sure if he likes the way Michael talks about himself sometimes. "I needed to get you guys out of there, though. That was more important than whatever could've happened to me." Michael huffs. "Besides, if I hadn't bailed you guys out then I would've never gone to Paris. Ballora has good taste in real estate, I think." and despite everything, freddy lets out a sudden breath that could've been mistaken for a sensible chuckle. Michael smiles anyway.

• Things settle down afterwards, though there's no bite to Freddy's jokes now. They're not as close as Michael wants, Freddy still keeping his distance, keeping his walls up but it's something.

• Freddy starts watching horror movies with him late into the night and until dawn. Doesn't let Michael sleep in afterwards and he might just regret this but it makes Freddy happy. Things go back to normal in the cottage, as normal as things can be for a motley troupe like them anyways. Michael starts laughing at his jokes more.

[khaleesiofalicante]

OK I GOT 5 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT WHICH IS PRETTY OK IG (I did stay up to read the fic-) BOTH MY TESTS WENT LIKE SHIT, I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN PROGRAMMING CLASS BECAUSE BY TEACHER IS A LITTLE SHIT WHO KEPT ON YELLING AT ME WHEN I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING AND I SPENT LUNCH ALONE BUT AT LEAST NOW IM ALONE WITH MY LAPTOP SO YAYAYAYYA

first of all, this chapter right here is my comfort chapter from now on. i said what i said. I will be rereading it again and again just because i can. it was PERFECTION

here's me going crazy at 2 am yesterday.

MAGNUS' CHAPTER

LET'S GO LET'S GO LET'S GO

AHHHHHHH IT'S THEIR ANNIVERSARY

SCREAM

oh

alec shaved his beard because it made him look older

RAFAEL WAS SO UPSET AFTER THE MEXICO ATTACK BECAUSE OF ANJALI RIGHT??

magnus and alec are the oblivious parents istg

“Are you decent?” Max yelled. “I don’t want to be traumatized again.”

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that!” Alec yelled back.

Im not even surprised at this point

“Happy anniversary, bapa!” Rafael kissed him on the cheek and handed him the flowers.

“Where are my flowers?” Alec asked.

Rafael plucked a rose from the bouquet and threw it at Alec. “Here you go.”

“Thanks, son,” Alec mumbled.

IM WHEEZING

DAVID BAKES

“David made it,” Max said shyly. "

Oh,” Alec replied and then shrugged. “Well, the icing could be a little sweeter I think.”

Ever since Max started dating, Alec had become incredibly protective. Alec liked David of course – it was impossible to find someone who didn’t. But that didn’t mean Alec approved.

And it didn’t help that the blond boy was absolutely terrified of Alec.

ALEC STOP TEASING HIM

THE BOY IS ALREADY SCARED

“I don’t know,” Alec analysed the card. “David used too much glitter.”

“Since when do you have a problem with excessive glitter?” Max demanded.

ALEC

“I didn’t use him!” Max huffed. “He was thoroughly compensated for his efforts!”

“Compensated how?” Alec asked.

“Uh,” Max said. “With donuts.”

when i saw donuts i immediately thought of rose and luisa from jtv

iykyk

but should i continue the show? i got tired of jane continuously embarrasing herself

“You expect us to follow rules?” Alec asked in surprise. “In our own home? On our anniversary?”

The warlock boy grinned wickedly before leaning close to Alec.

“You better do it, or I will tell everyone about your secret,” Max whispered.

Alec blinked at that.

the secret...

I DONT LIKE HOW MANY THINGS POPPED INTO MY HEAD

is highschool musical that bad? i havent watched it. should i?

what if i cried

i just wanna hug alec??? but i cant say it'll be ok because it wont

“Is that why you are not attending?” Magnus grinned at his friend. “Or is it because you are terrified of Georgia?”

“That child is the reincarnation of Christopher Lightwood!” Ragnor complained. “I heard she made explosives out of demon ichor! Who makes explosions out of demon ichor?”

RAGNOR IS PROBABLY GETTING FLASHBACKS

THESE STUPID FUCKING BITCHES

how tf do you think we have survived huh??

medicine that's how

vaccines, anti biotics and what not

stop being close-minded and fucking do it

ok i know the risk is great

BUT OTHERWISE THEY ALL DIE

it was different for warlocks. The Shadow World was their universe. The nephilim kept it safe. At one point in their lives, they had learned to coexist with them, out of necessity and out of obligation.

And now here they were – working together in the name of friendship and love.

how things change...

what

say what

the causes are what

ok let's not jump to conclusions

im fucking crying wtf

alec doesnt deserve this shit

all he's done is make the world a better place

hes worked so hard on this

RAZIEL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF

what am i supposed to say to my parents if one of them comes to check on me and im sitting here crying at 2 am

He didn’t want to believe in a reality that would punish Alec. Alec who only wanted to do what is good and right.

Alec was who was losing his hope and strength every passing day. Alec who was struggling. Alec who was turning to desperate measures to cope with all the stress.

please alec

no please

THE ANGELS ARE BITCHES

Because if Magnus found out Raziel was the one causing all this pain for Alec, he would march up to heaven and set the bastard on fire himself.

AND I'LL GO WITH HIM

KNEW THE SPY WAS LIVVY

AWW RAGNOR LIKES SELENA THATS SO SWEET

blue and gold

STOP IT IM CRYING AGAIN

The shadowhunter was a good influence on him. Magnus hoped Alec would see it sooner rather than later.

HUH

HUHU

HUH

omg

GIGI GETTING A SIBLING

“Max isn’t allowed to do a lot of things,” Magnus chuckled. “But he does them anyway.”

thats my boi

GASP

]THE NECKLACE

rafael is growing into the consul voice

they grow up so fast

nope nope he's still the little 5 year old

voice cracking what do you mean he's 20

im glad hes happy with mila. or is he...?

Magnus had deduced as much. Alec lived in his beautifully oblivious world. But Magnus noticed.

He noticed the hickeys. He noticed the late-night visits. He noticed the tense phone calls.

well thank god there's at least one non-oblivious person (alec i love you so much but you are very very oblivious)

“What’s stopping you then?” Magnus asked.

"2554 miles,” Rafael chuckled sadly.

me with all my online friends

probably more miles

Magnus tried to do the math but promptly gave up.

me

But Alec did lie though. Magnus pushed the thought away.

NOT NOW

LET ME LIVE IN PEACEFUL OBLIVION

HUSH

“Except melt it?” Rafael chuckled.

“Yes,” Magnus chuckled back. “As you can see, the bar is extremely low in the Lightwood family.”

AHHIUCCDSKUHDCV

i have no clue what the words describing the outfit are

time to google

OK PRETTY

Fifteen years. Fifteen years of loving and Alec still made his heart stutter.

dont do this to me right now I WILL CRY

“What the hell?” Max exclaimed. “Why are you all dressed up?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, it’s my anniversary,” Alec chuckled.

Max-

Fifteen years. Fifteen years and Magnus still took Alec’s breath away.

HJCSDHJBJDHSGCDYGJVVC JHVDFYMJ

it's not funny MY EYES ARE WATERING

“Bapak is a good looking one in the family,” Rafael pointed out. “You are the chaotic one and I am the smart one.”

“What am I then?” Alec asked dryly. “A sack of potatoes?”

“You’re the sexy one,” Magnus grinned. “A sexy sack of potatoes.”

yes.

Alec grinned back and leaned forward. Magnus put his hands around Alec’s neck and kissed him. He kissed Alec with all the love he had inside his heart.

Just like the first time. Just like the hundredth time. Just like the thousandth time.

Because with Alec, every kiss mattered. Every single one.

muffled sob

“Stop making out, oh my god!” Max groaned.

Magnus sensed a pillow coming their way but Rafael caught it before it hit them.

“Max, stop!” Rafael scolded. “You will wrinkle dad’s suit and ruin bapak’s hair! I spent hours ironing both!”

why is max me when i see people display affection in front of me

ALSO RAFAEL HKUIUIDCSKIHUDFVHJDFVHU

“They are here,” Rafael said. “You two better look exactly the way you did when I left with Max or I will raise hell.”

IM SCREAMING

Selena was wearing a blue crop top with the words “MIND YOUR OWN UTEREUS” written in gold.

i need that top

DAVID'S SHIRT IS THE COLOR OF MAX'S MAGIC

AHH ISABELLE DOESNT KNOW SHE'S PREGNANT YET

The argument of “who gave the best gift” had started when Jace and Izzy had gotten drunk on vodka. It didn’t help that Alec had gotten drunk as well. All three Lightwood siblings had then proceeded to have an argument about who had the best spouse. The whole night had been drunken chaos. Magnus, Clary and Simon had let them have it since the Lightwood siblings had a tendency to carry the world on their shoulders even when nobody asked them. They rarely ever let loose ever since their worlds had plunged into sickness and demon attacks. Especially Alec. So, Magnus had let his husband be that 18-year-old boy again. The boy who got drunk and fought with his siblings and sang songs about Magnus’ pretty eyes.

OH MY GOD THE CHAOS

Georgia considered that. “I’m not allowed to melt it, right?”

“No,” they all replied in chorus.

LET GIGI MELT IT

SELENA IM SO PROUD OF YOU

“Dad,” Max said. “Can you keep a picture of me wearing this necklace in your office?”

“Why?” Rafael asked.

“I think it will piss off the boomers,” Max giggled.

“Nice!” Lexi grinned. “A downworlder wearing a shadowhunter heirloom? They will lose their heads. Uncle Alec, you must do it.”

“I will do you one better. I will hang a tapestry,” Alec chuckled.

YASSS I CANT WAIT FOR THE SHADOWHUNTERS TO BE PISSED

AWW THEY DIDNT KNOW THE NECKLACE USED TO BELONG TO MAGNUS

he actually gave to camille first-

Why couldn’t this boy just cause chaos during his travel year like the rest of them? Why did he actually study and do his research as recommended?

why would you NOT study and research during your travel year????

oh shit

well well well

david bby stfu

i love you but pls stop speaking for all our sakes

“Holy shit,” Max said. “It is expensive then!”

“Don’t pawn the ruby!” Rafael warned.

MAX NO-

OH THE STONE COMES FROM EDOM

oh no

pls dont fight

oh so i was wrong about magus confronting him from that snippet

all you need to know is im sobbing right now and grammarly is the only thing making this coherent

dont mind me just

NO I FORGOT ABOUT MAX AND DAVID

GET BACK IN THE ROOM YOU IDIOTS

don't do this to me at 3 am

OK THE DILF PART

thank you for adding light into my life again

(me while editing this: today really isn't my day huh? i just slipped in rainwater outside my balcony because I heard rain and ran there. now my knee and back hurt and I think I sprained (?) my toe-

ANYWAY

wait im gonna go check out the rain and then continue editing this

ok i got bored of the rain)

that made me laugh through my tears

“Objectively good looking?” Jace snorted. “Excuse you, but my parabatai is smoking hot! He is a freaking prize, okay? If we had a magazine for hot shadowhunters, you would be on the cover page. Every single issue.”

“Okay, that’s enough!” Alec interrupted. “Magnus, are you happy? Now all my friends have told me I am pretty.”

“I said smoking hot,” Jace corrected.

“We are not being biased,” Clary pointed out. “It is the general consensus, Alec.”

“It’s true,” Lexi said. “So many people have asked me for your number, Uncle Alec. And I would have given it to them if I wasn’t worried about being turned into a marshmallow.”

LEXI DUHDUGHUDFCUHKVDFUIKFDU

“Dad, I don’t know why you are so worried,” Max said in a bored tone. “You’re a told DILF.”

David choked on his champagne and Jace patted him on the back.

“What the hell is a DILF?” Alec demanded.

“Oh, I know this one!” Jace said excitedly. “It means Dashing and Irresistible Looking Father. Max is right, you are a total DILF.”

“Mr. Herondale-” David raised a hand.

“I heard one of the shadowhunters in their travel year calling me a DILF too,” Jace said proudly.

THAT IS NOT WHAT DILF MEANS OH MY GOD

“It’s not a rumour,” Selena spoke up and passed her phone. “There is a group chat at Scholomance just to thirst after you.”

add me to it

ALL THE COMMENTS I CANT BREATHE

“Alec Lightwood can run me over with a Maserati and I would thank him.”

“Give me that,” Izzy grabbed the phone and started giggling. “Petition for Consul Alec Lightwood-Bane to stab me with his mortal sword.”

“Isabelle!” Alec hissed, cheeks flaming. “Stop it!”

“I want one!” Jace grabbed the phone now. “By the Angel!”

“Read it!” the kids yelled in chorus.

“I would gladly let Consul Lightwood-Bane inspect my mortal instruments,” Jace chuckled and threw the phone at David.

David shook his head vehemently and threw it at Max.

“My body is just a hole for Alec Lightwood,” Max read out loud and started laughing so hard that he fell off his chair.

Lexi grabbed the phone and giggled. “I want the Consul to strip off my runes among other things.”

She passed the phone to Gigi, who looked at the phone and look at Alec.

“Uncle Alec,” the girl said. “This person wants you to crush them with your massive archer arms.”

“Give me that,” Rafael grabbed it now. “Aw, this one is a classic, dad. Alec Lightwood turned me gay.”

He threw the phone at Simon, who stared the screen and looked up. “Uh, I don’t think I can read this one out loud in front of the kids.

“Is this the one about the basement?” Selena chuckled and Simon nodded.

WHAT'S THE BASEMENT ONe

TELL ME

AWW GIGI AND LEXI PUTTING MAKEUP ON DAVID AND MAX RECORDING IT

google translator time

oooo Rafael's gonna talk with Mila

Magnus you're such a good father

seriously

“Sometimes things are just sad. So, you need to let yourself be sad.”

YES

SAY IT LOUDER

THEY ARE UNDER THE BED

AHHH MAX AND DAVID

DAVID CALLED HIM MY ANGEL IN FRENCH

Alec and Magnus hiding under the bed and spying on them is just-

Jace had tried to give Max the shovel talk and had gotten a little too emotional.

of course, he did smh I love him so much

“David doesn’t need a shovel talk,” Alec smiled. “He knows what would happen to him if he hurts my son.”

David gulped. “You will throw me into the silent city?”

“I will ask me husband to portal you to hell,” Alec said – Consul Voice. “We have relatives there.”

the beloved relatives yes

“Goodnight,” Jace gave them a salute. “Have fun inspecting Magnus’ mortal instruments.”

JACE

OH SO THE QUESTION WAS ABOUT SMOKING

damn it

oh my god guys he said he'll stop smoking

just lemme have this moment

my boy's lungs will be intact

HIS LUNGS WILL BE OK

“I can’t wait to see all the messages on the chat after that,” Magnus giggled.

Alec looked up. “I’m more than a tall glass of water, Magnus!”

SCREAMING

In his dream, he saw them again. But they weren’t smiling this time.

what

wait

THE PROPHETIC DREAMS

nope nope nope

Nah I don't know what you're talking about

haha

damn, I think I really hurt my back...

OK BUT THE IMMORTALITY ANGST???? WAS SO SO GOOD???? I know it makes me cry but is it bad that I'm always so excited for angst written by you because of HOW GOOD it is????

"When I die I will love you from my grave" I NEED THIS ON MY FOREHEAD OH MY GOD I LOVE THESE TWO SO SO MUCH

alright I need to get something for my back and my knee (I'm home alone so this will be fun)

OK, I THINK THE NEXT CHP WILL BE ANJALI'S POV I JUST FEEL IT!!! I miss my girl so much I hope she's doing ok. Jaime too...

I'm rereading all of these chapters after chapter 10 because why not. Bye!!

OKAY I AM GLAD YOU LIKED IT BUT I AM ALSO DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH.

I hope your knee and back feels better soon!

also fuck that teacher yelling something doesn't make people understand it any better ugh dumb piece of shit anyway screw that person.

I hope you get some good rest and recovery from this rollercoaster of a day.

Take care!

[nishigo]

i can’t stop rereading that Bennett one shot! it’s so good and the way you wrote bennett was accurate and really cute !!

i’m not sure if you feel comfortable writing genshin characters for now but if you are! can i request a scenario for bennett where him&his s/o are on an adventure

and he gets severely hurt so his s/o tends his wounds while kissing the injuries to “lessen the pain”

sorry that didn’t make sense but 😭i hope this request isn’t too cheesy or too much for you

a page from the book of recollection.

[ p a g e 9 3 7 。]

authors note: here is your scenario anonymous traveler! thank you so much for sending in a request, it’s my first one actually! i had a pleasure writing it, and i hope i fulfilled it to the standard that you wanted out of me! if anything is wrong, i’ll be sure to correct it if you send in an ask. also, terribly sorry for lack of producing any writings or engagement of sorts. my sleep schedule is horrible (currently four am when writing this.) and it’s finals week this week, so i’m studying like a madman to maintain my grades. promise after this week, you’ll get some more writing. anyways, thanks for your patience and i hope you like it!

word count: 1,366.

tw: there is blood and wounds mentioned. nothing too graphic though, i’m not one for gore. other than that, soft hours and doting on your unlucky boyfriend!

request status at time of posting: open.

in which you needed to help the boy heal faster, so some doses of medicine were deemed necessary, of course.

would you like to read?

＞　行｡ ( y e s )

＞　不行 。( n o )

———

you and bennett had decided to take a journey out to liyue to have some time to adventure and also spend some time together as a couple.

considering bennett had lived most of his life in mondstadt, you decided you wanted him to see a change of scenery.

bennett was excited as well, and he would not stop talking to you about it for the week leading up to it.

“did you need to get your weapons repaired before we go?” 

“did you stock up on food?” 

“how high are the mountains in liyue?”

“are the leaves a golden mora color like everyone else says they are?

“are you forgetting anything?

he asked you the last question as he watched you sling on your backpack, putting your weapon on your back before you glanced over at him and smirked. 

you took him by his hand, gently intertwining yours with his.

his emerald green eyes glanced up at you, oblivious as he tilted his head

“course i’m not. now come on, adventure is waiting!”

and then you two were off!

bennett and yourself were trekking along the rolling hills, talking about anything and everything as you took some time to appreciate the nature surrounding the far edges of mondstadt.

here and there, a few slimes would show up, but they were easy enough to take down.

no enemies for a good chunk of traveling, actually.

but perhaps bennett’s bad luck had begun to kick in again as you two were about to settle in for the night.

you two had set up a small camp within the middle of a clearing, setting up a fire and slouching against the tent as you two would begin to let loose.

however, there was something off.

a small crunch in the distance.

you two paused your chit chat.

a yell that seemed to crescendo closer and closer towards you two.

suddenly, two arrows were fired from the distance…

...right into his shoulder and bicep.

you saw his face twist as he gasped, electricity protruding from the wound on his shoulder and jagged ice forming on the wound on his bicep as he froze for a second, as if he was paralyzed.

you felt your heart drop as you glanced at the multiple hilichurls and a mitachurl that were coming out of the trees and into the clearing.

you two were quickly surrounded, the enemies coming closer with a force unlike anything you’d seen before.

your anxiety skyrocketed as you saw crimson red trail along his exposed skin and wounds.

but along with your worry, you suddenly jumped right to your feet and felt your adrenaline pumping.

no one hurts your boyfriend and gets away with it.

bennett had never seen anything quite like it when you grabbed your weapon.

you caused a whole massacre.

you focused in, sprinting around as you slaughtered every single monster that was around. they disappeared within minutes, turning into practically ashes as they died to your hand.

you wiped your mouth, breathing heavily as you lowered your weapon and then turned back to your boyfriend.

he was sitting down now, having took out the bloodied arrows from his wounds and staring out at you.

“Y-Y/N…” he stuttered out quietly, watching as your body placed itself in front of him, your weapon dropped on the ground as you held your bag.

rummaging around, you began to ask him where it hurt the most, or if he had gotten any other wounds, or if he was feeling lightheaded.

he was unusually quiet, nodding or shaking his head at your inquiries, watching as you grabbed bandages and a rag.

as you examined his wounds, his eyes would be locked on you.

bennett was used to getting hurt. he was considered unlucky for a reason, he knew. but the effects of the electricity and ice causing extra damage were severe compared to normal wounds.

“this is going to hurt, honey. i’m sorry.”

you quickly began to clean the wounds and the areas around it, earning a hiss from him as he felt his eyes scrunch up and close.

tears streaked down his face as he hugged himself, hiccuping and shaking as he whimpered.

“y-y/n...it hurts...it hurts r-really badly. please, s-stop it…”

you paused for a moment as you put some pressure on his shoulder wound, wrapping it up and putting it in place as you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

you knew what he had just wanted to explore and adventure into liyue with you.

and you knew he deserved so much better than what had just happened to ruin the moment and excitement he had built up.

so you decided to comfort him in the way you knew he liked the most.

you lowered your head down softly, pressing a very light and gentle kiss on top of the shoulder bandages.

bennett sniffles softly, looking down at you as you leaned up and smiled gently at him.

“consider the kisses like medicine. they’ll help the pain go away faster.”

he couldn’t help but crack a small, shaky grin at that, finding it humorous as he then felt you wrapping the bandages around his other wound.

once more, you pecked the bandages quietly, feeling the way his muscles would untense at your delicate touch.

you treated him as if he was a fragile cecilia flower, and if he was being honest, he loved the way you doted on him in the moment. even if it hurt.

looking up at his face, you noticed some scratches here and there from the monsters when you weren’t looking.

you quickly grabbed some smaller bandages, sticking a few on his face where needed before you cupped one of his cheeks.

your placed kisses all over his face: his forehead, his nose, both his cheeks, anywhere you could get a hold of.

and every tear that ran down his face or in the corner of his eyes was combated with a sweet peck from you.

his cheeks were a soft pink as you showered him with love.

he loved being the center of attention in private like this. and since you knew it too, it made his heart swell even more.

“let’s go to sleep, my little flame. your wounds will heal faster in combination with some rest.”

bennett felt like his insides would explode as you used the nickname and gently helped him up, shuffling over to the single, open sleeping bag.

but he quirked an eyebrow as he glanced around, looking for your own bag.

“where’s your sleeping bag?” he became even more confused as you did a small gasp.

“i suppose i have left it at home! guess we just have to share…~”

bennett paused for a moment before he put a hand on his hip and shook his head with his usual, solar beam of a smile. he was too naive to understand what you had meant.

“my bad luck is rubbing off on you, y/n!” he would joke with you as you two slipped underneath the covers.

you made sure he was covered and supported before you felt a tug at your hands. glancing up, he tilted his head.

“let’s cuddle and keep warm…you be big spoon this time. i like feeling protected by you.” bennett mumbled before he felt your hands gently weave around his waist, pulling his back carefully up against your chest.

he was a little heat warmer of sorts thanks to being a pyro user, so you gladly took the opportunity to snuggle in with him.

you were about to say something, but you could already hear his breathing slow and how he snored cutely every now and again. 

you supposed the arrows did more damage than you thought. 

plus, if he was sleeping, that was a good thing. he’d be back up and running in no time. 

semantics aside however, as long as you were here, you would make sure that nothing stood in between your lover and yourself ever again. 

(oh, and as for the sleeping bags?)

(that was on purpose.) 

(but...bennett doesnt need to know that. ;))  

[spirit-of-the-void]

Hey sweetpea! I’ve got some more angst for you! I hope these don’t feel too repetitive. If they do you can feel free to mix them up a bit! I was wondering if you could do a scenario where the boys are possessed or mind controlled, and they attack and hurt their s/o. Fluffy ending pls! Thank you so much for doing these! 🌸

I live for hurt comfort hell YES *slams fists on table* I’m opting for them losing their shit a bit in Devil Trigger forms instead of mind control or anything. Minus V, who doesnt have a devil trigger form.

Okay so I put WAY too much effort into these. Its four am. I am dying.

~Dante~

- You had never been around him while he was in that form, hell you weren’t even supposed to be there in the first place.

- When Dante didn’t return to Devil May Cry after the mission as quick as he promised, you grew worried, and set out on foot to find him now that the sky was growing dark. It was a mission in town, so why wasn’t he back yet? Surely something was wrong.

- This is why you hated letting him go on missions alone. You were no fighter, sure, but at this point he should have just bit the bullet and combined forces with Nero and Nico. Maybe hire on Trish and Lady to help out every once and a while.

- You walk for about ten minutes, finding the abandoned subway tunnel someone said was housing a nest of demons.

- You knew going down there alone and not a fighter was a dumb, foolish idea. You were armed with a basic revolver and daggers just to be safe, but you knew you were fast enough to run away if things got bad.

- If you were chased…well, you knew where Morrison lived, and you had your cell phone.

- You had already tried to call Dante, hell you called the others too. Nero could definitely make it in his Devil Trigger form, but you were reluctant to ask him when he was sticking so close to Kyrie during her pregnancy.

- Both Trish and Lady didn’t pick up. You assumed they were both off on missions of their own.

- You had no choice at this point.

- You walked into the subway tunnel, almost gagging at the smell of rot and sulfur. Definitely the home of demons.

- You still push forward despite the fear and anxiety that fills you, already seeing the trail of carnage Dante has left. He must have killed dozens of the things, bodies and blood on the floor as you quickly made your way past.

- “Dante…!” You called his name worriedly, voice echoing in the tunnel. You hear no response back, but can make out the faint sound of snarling and screeching in the tunnel further ahead. Sounds of fighting.

- You didn’t hear Dante. Maybe you should just turn around?

- But your worry kept you going. You quickened your steps, only stopping when the sound of fighting ceased. Now the sound of low, panting growls remained.

- Now was not the time to make noise. Something was glowing in the tunnel, growling and leaving a bright orange hue.

- You peeked around a piece of debris, eyes widening as you saw.

- What appeared to be another demon was standing there, slightly hunched and releasing panting growls. Sharp claws, sharp teeth, fire coming from its body. Bigger and badder looking than all the lower level creatures you had seen.

- You immediately gulped, taking a few steps back when you didn’t see Dante anywhere. This was bad. This was really bad. You were useless against even the lower level demons, but this…

- You didn’t make it far.

- One step back and a few rocks went tumbling behind you. Way too loud in the space. The noise echoed, making the demon snap its head around to look in your direction.

- You were so fucked.

- You immediately turned and began to dead sprint down the tunnel, heart pounding in your ears as you tried to put as much distance as you could between you and the creature.

- Another bad idea. As soon as it heard your feet pounding on concrete it came after you, and it was much faster than you were.

- The tunnel was so dark, it was hard to see where you were running but that didn’t matter anyway. The creature slammed into your back hard, shoving your face down with a choked screaming leaving your lips. It’s claws dug into your shoulders, a hard snarl rattling your ears as it landed on top of you.

- Heavy, so heavy you couldn’t breathe. You phone went sliding from your hand, as did the revolver you had.

- You could already feel blood warming your skin where its claws dug in, a strangled yelp leaving your mouth as you tried to struggle away.

- It bared its teeth, jerking you back and making a panicked scream leave your lips, “Dante…!”

- You immediately felt the creature freeze above you, the growl cut off in its throat.

- You were wheezing now, crying a bit as you tried to squirm away from the demon and escape.

- But something stopped you.

- You heard a rasping, demonic voice from above you whisper, “Sunshine?”

- Your eyes went wide, turning back to stare at its face with shock. You lashes still glistened with tears, voice shaken as you stammered, “D…Dante…?”

- The claws in your shoulders immediately retracted, weight from you gone and your body lifted and held against him protectively, frantically.

- Panicked gasps were leaving him now, becoming human and familiar as his body shifted back to the one you knew. The Dante you knew.

- You had never seen that form before, Dante barely even admitted he had it. You had to learn from Nero and the others about it, and even then they didn’t tell you much.

- He held you cradled against your chest, his hands frantically touching all over you, checking for wounds, stroking back your hair as he panted, “Fuck, oh fuck. I’m sorry babe. I’m so sorry…!”

- He touched the wounds on your shoulders, more frantic sounds leaving him. You were unbelievably shaken, but more so relieved to see him.

- “Fuck, I didn’t know it was you…!” Dante rasped, grunting when you wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged him hard.

- You were crying more now, just so happy to see he was alright.

- “Are you okay?” Dante peppered kisses to your neck, holding you close and wiping away some of your tears, “Fuck, babe, what the hell are you doing down here…? I told you to wait for me at home.”

- You sniffled lightly, leaning back to look at him with watery eyes, “It was already so late…I was afraid something had happened to you…!”

- Dante let out a shaken breath, holding your face in his hands so he could stare at your tear stained face. His eyes were so guilty, searching over you as he stroked some of the tears away.

- “I promised you I’d always come home,” He whispered, more serious than you had ever heard him, “This was my fault. It took more time than I expected, and that caused you to get hurt. I hurt you.”

- You shook your head, hugging yourself to him again and closing your eyes. You didn’t care about that, you just cared that nothing terrible had happened to him. Sure, the experience was a bit scary, and your shoulders and back were hurting. But you would heal, and that was fine.

- “I’ve never seen that form before,” You whispered, sniffling a bit as his strong arms wrapped around you, “You never showed me.”

- He sighed at that, “My fault too. I didn’t want to scare you…some fucking genius I am.”

- You sniffled more, whispering softly, “I love you…no part of you would ever scare me, Dante.”

- Wow, his heart was fucking aching at that. You were so good to him, too good. Precious, something worth protecting. Something worth fighting for. And he had hurt you.

- “I’ve never been the smart one, sunshine,” He grumbled, trying to hide just how emotional your words made him as he pressed his face to your neck, “You’ve always been the one with brains. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

- “Stop,” You whispered, leaning back so you could kiss him. He immediately grunted, threading his fingers in your hair and kissing you back. When you pulled away you added, “Can we go home..? I think…we both need some time to talk and relax.”

- He nodded easily, standing up and lifting you with him, “Agreed…I need to dress your wounds.” He sounded so guilty when he said that, starting forward and holding you bridal style.

- He only stopped to swoop a hand down, grabbing your smashed cell phone and your gun. He sighed at the phone, tucking it into his pocket with even more guilt.

- “I’ll buy you a new phone, sugar,” He promised, kissing your soft lips again until you groaned, “A better one too.”

- You sighed softly, eyeing him with soft eyes as you replied, “Are you my sugar daddy then?”

- He paused, a hesitant smirk quirking his lips as he asked, “Do you want me to be.”

- “No,” You replied firmly, wrapping your arms around your neck and holding yourself to him, “I just want you.”

- Dante sucked in a shaken breath, holding you ever closer as he carried you out of the abandoned subway tunnel.

- “You already have me, love. I’m all yours.”

~Vergil~

- Vergil had always been prone to nightmares, it was why at first he was prone to sleeping alone.

- It had taken months to coax him to your bed, and even then he slept sporadically, in bursts. It took him months to accept the change, and even longer to settle with you enough to allow you to see him so vulnerable.

- But his nightmares had never been like this.

- He had gone to bed before you–you had some final things to work on before sleeping, ones that took you an extra hour before you were supposed to retire for the evening.

- At first you weren’t going to go right to bed. You sat in the kitchen for a bit, feeling kind of restless and wondering if you should make a cup of tea to settle yourself. When you tossed and turned it made Vergil cranky, so you didn’t want to risk upsetting him after he had just grown used to sharing a bed.

- You were just about to put the water on when you heard a strange sound coming from your room. Something caught between a growl and gasping.

- You immediately turned off the stove, concern filling you as you walked toward your room. The sound was deeply unsettling, something you weren’t used to in your own home.

- After pushing open your bedroom door, you immediately knew what was wrong.

- Vergil was in Sin Devil Trigger form on the bed, the noise coming from him.

- You had seen this form only a couple times before, most times in battle. Only once did Vergil take on this form to show it to you personally, to let you feel his horns, his claws, the armor-like exterior. It fascinated you, but he seemed reluctant to have it out around you.

- Never once had you seen him turn into this form while asleep, and that itself told you he must have been having a bad dream.

- You rushed to his side, unsure of what to do while he twitched and let out rasping growls, claws digging into your mattress.

- You had to wake him up, otherwise he would rip your bed to shreds.

- But you no sooner placed your hands on his face, and he practically explodes underneath you.

- Your throat is grabbed in the next instant, a startled squeak of alarm escaping your throat as you’re slammed into the floorboards. All the air is jostled from your lungs in a choked sound, the wind literally knocked out of you as his large form towered over.

- Both his hands were gripping your throat now, your head spinning as you struggled to breath. You stared with shocked eyes, seeing he was still partially asleep as he let out panicked, rasping growls.

- He was still seeing his nightmare. He didn’t know he was attacking you. Something had made him lash out to defend himself.

- His claws were digging in, drawing blood as you kicked and tried to fight him off, fear filling your head as your oxygen depleted. He was so strong in this form, his face unreadable and those claws so sharp.

- He was going to kill you. If you didn’t do something he was going to strangle you. He wasn’t in his right mind, he wasn’t awake. You needed to wake him up.

- You lifted your trembling fingers to his face, struggling for air even as you gently stroked his demonic features. You weren’t a threat, he needed to know that. He needed to recognize you.

- You voice was weak, strangled as you managed to get out, “B…baby…please…please it’s…me…!”

- You were lucky enough that your words reached him in his panicked frenzy.

- He let out a strange sound, head snapping back and even more panicked gasps escaping him now that he was truly seeing who he was hurting. You felt his vise tight grip on your throat loosen, his hands beginning to shake as a few tears dripped from your eyes.

- What the hell was he doing…? You were underneath him, you were crying, you were…

- He slowly pulled his claws back, seeing your blood on them, seeing the red on your neck from his scratches. Bruising, he had hurt you. You started coughing and gasping as soon as his hands were off you, practically choking now that the air was filling your lungs again.

- He had almost strangled you. He had almost killed you.

- He stumbled back, blinding panic filling him as he continued to look at his hands. All he could see was your blood, the look on your face when he had snapped back into reality.

- He couldn’t take it. He was falling to pieces inside.

- He morphed back into human form, his expression shattering your heart as you sat up, holding your throat and staring at him.

- You had never seen him look that afraid, that vulnerable. That mortified.

- “What have I done…?” He rasped, his tone broken as he continued to stare at his hands. He was hyperventilating now, panicking even more as he put his hands to his head, “What have I…what have I…”

- You immediately scrambled toward him, wanting to stop his panic attack before it got any worse. You had just gotten close to him, you didn’t want to lose him now.

- You fell into his lap, wrapping your arms firmly around his neck as you whispered, “Stop…! It’s okay, I’m okay baby. Breathe, just breathe.”

- You thought he was going to push you away, but he didn’t. He stared in front of him like he wasn’t seeing anything, his sharp jaw clenched with each panting gasp and his eyes almost glassy.

- “I hurt you,” He rasped, his chest practically heaving now, “My doll. I almost killed you. I could have. I could have snapped your neck. I could have…I…”

- You shook your head, hugging yourself closer as you whispered, “I’m okay. I am. You didn’t know what you were doing, you were having a nightmare, Vergil.”

- He wasn’t soothed. You could tell he wasn’t. His breathing became more ragged, his hands hanging at his side as he tilted his head back a bit.

- And Vergil did something you had never seen in all the time you knew him.

- He began to cry.

- A few stray tears rolled down his face, his eyes wide and shocked as you stared at him, touching the wetness with your fingers. He didn’t sob, the only sound leaving him was that panicked rasping. It broke you in two in an instant.

- “I hurt you…I almost killed you, Doll…” He repeated in that broken, rasping tone. His expression shifted to something so exhausted, heart-breakingly so as he leaned forward, resting his head on your shoulder, “I hurt everyone in my life. I hurt so many people….what a monster I am.”

- “Stop, please,” You whimpered, holding him close and stroking back his hair, “Please Vergil. Please.  It’s okay, everything will be okay.”

- His arms finally snaked around your waist, holding you like you were a lifeline to his hard body. His hands were still shaking, his breath short and quick as the warmth of your body registered with him.

- “Of all the blood that stains my hands,” He whispered, the wetness of his sharp cheeks moistening your shirt, “I never wanted to see yours. Never yours, Doll. My hands are drenched in sin and carnage and I never wanted that stain to touch you, for you to be a part of it.”

- There was so much guilt there, so much pain. You knew of his past, knew of the death he had caused and the terrible things he had done. You wanted to help him learn how to be human, to accept his mistakes. It never occurred to you that they were destroying him.

- You squeezed him tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple as you stroked back his silvery hair.

- “Please…let me help you,” You whispered, your own eyes tearing up as you continued to hold him, “Please Vergil. You can’t keep going like this, holding everything in until you burst,” You leaned back, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “You had a nightmare…you were disoriented and scared and you lashed out. I’m okay…I swear I am. I’m not made of glass, or porcelain.”

- As much as you loved his nickname, in reality you were weren’t a fragile doll.

- He remained silent, his eyes tired now as he stared without seeing anything. He was coming down from the panic, the nightmare. You could tell that much. He was going into numb mode, and you didn’t want that either.

- You pressed your lips to his, gently kissing as you cupped his cheeks.

- “It’ll be okay,” You whispered, “We will figure it out. But you can’t run away from it, or me,” You took his hands and placed them gently on your neck, where his claws had left scratches and bruises. Gentle, feather-light. No fear and no more pain, “I will heal and I’ll be fine.”

- He swallowed visibly, his sharp eyes staring at the marks with deep regret.

- “You are too good for me,” He whispered, sounding incredibly guilty. Like you were a prize he didn’t deserve, especially after all he had done, “Doll…Why do you even put up with me? I am a man deserving of nothing.” He deserved nothing and you were…everything

- You smiled softly, pressing another kiss to his cheek as you replied, “Because I love you, slick. And you don’t get to decide who I’m too good for, I do.”

- With that, you pulled him to his feet, pressing another kiss to his lips this time as you added, “Now, let’s go get some tea, some food. And we will talk about what happened.”

- He remains quiet, watching you with dazed eyes as you lead him out of the room.

~V~

- V had been missing for several days.

- You were an absolute nervous wreck, bouncing between demon nests with a few other demon hunters as you all searched for him. You didn’t know what to do, what would happen if you didn’t find him alive.

- You and the poet had been fighting demons together when he had been taken, snatched through a portal by a bigger demon when neither of you had been looking. Something had subdued him, some sort of gas made him go unconscious and his familiars returned to him. There had been no fight for him to give.

- You were with Nero, Dante, and Lady now. Searching yet another demon’s lair for your lover. This one was bigger than the others, taking up multiple floors.

- You decided on the top floor alone. You were a skilled fighter, you could handle whatever this place threw at you.

- What you couldn’t handle when you got there was the sight of V, strung up by tendrils of flesh in the middle of the room.

- Seeing him after your days long search made your heart race in shock and relief, you rushing into the room without thinking. There were no other demons in the room, no enemies on this floor.

- You slashed at the flesh holding him up, catching him in your arms and easing him to the floor.

- Christ, he was alive. He was still breathing. That alone was a relief.

- You set him down on the ground, hearing him stirring a bit even as you turned to call for Dante and the others. You would need help to carry V out, he needed a Doctor.

- What you didn’t expect was to feel his cane pierce your shoulder when your back was turned, making you let out a startled shriek of pain.

- You whipped around in the next instant, the metal object ripping out of you as you stared at V in absolute shock.

- Something was wrong. You could tell that right away.

- His eyes were glazed over, glassy as he swayed from side to side. You clutched that the wound he had left, panting as you took a few steps back.

- You knew a possession when you saw one. V was strong willed, but if they broke him down enough they could easily force something on him. This was not good. This was definitely not good. If you fought him, you would hurt him, and judging by the cuts and heavy bruising on his body he couldn’t take much more.

- His expression was blank when he lifted his cane, pointing it at you and summoning Griffon and Shadow. You half expected them to be under the influence too, especially when they came out ready to attack what V was focused on.

- But Griffon immediately came to a screeching halt, Shadow sliding on their claws as they stared at your panting form in confusion.

- “What the fuck?” Griffon squawked, flapping his wings wildly as he stared at you, turning his annoyed gaze to stare at V, “Yo, genius, what the hell are you–”

- V slammed his cane into the ground, the order to attack loud and clear. Both familiars jolted, Griffon letting out a pained yelp as V’s command jolted through his skull.

- “What are you doing?!” He screeched at his master, shaking his head over and over as he resisted the command, “I’m not blasting your fucking girlfriend…!”

- Shadow let out a strangled snarl, rubbing its face over and over with its paws as spikes tried forming from its pelt.

- He was trying to use his ability as their master to force them to attack. Which was definitely bad.

- You were panting with fear and panic, voice broken as you said, “He’s possessed…! We have to do something…!”

- “Are you fucking kidding me…?” Griffon hissed, landing on the ground and pressed his beak downwards, “Son of a bitch…! Whatever you’re gonna do, you had better do it quick…!”

- You heard Griffon let out another loud sound of annoyance, shouting at Shadow, “Knock Shakespeare on his ass…!”

- Shadow let out a low snarl, whipping around and running at V while it was still able. You bolted forward with her, heart pounding as you saw V raise that cane again.

- Shadow’s black pelt twitched, a couple spikes shooting out at you and slicing your arms. Shadow still seemed in semi-control, letting out a roar as their paws hit V’s shoulders, teeth snapping onto his cane.

- You saw the poet struggle, but he was in no way strong enough to fight the cat. They ripped the cane away, sending it skidding across the floor with a metallic crack.

- You were there in an instant, sitting on top of V, panting and several parts of your shoulders stinging in agony. But you didn’t care, you couldn’t care.

- Bringing V back was all that mattered.

- He stared at you with those glassy eyes, panting and struggling against you. Whatever was possessing him hadn’t been there for long, that much you could tell. V was so hurt, his body too battered and weak to put up a true fight.

- He needed help, god he needed help.

- You cupped his cheeks, ignoring his hands as they tried to grasp around your throat.

- “I know there’s some more fight in there,” You breathed to him, stroking his ebony hair back as his fingers slipped over your skin, “Come on, darling. You can do this. Come back to me.”

- You saw his face twitch as soon as you used your favorite nickname for him, his jaw tightening. That was the way to do it, that was the way to reach him.

- You started quoting William Blake to him, stroking your hands over his face. Touching his lips, his cheeks, his jaw. Every part of him you adored, everything you loved. These few days without him had been so frightening, so achingly lonely. You needed him to know that.

- “I miss you,” You murmured to your poet, voice growing louder when he groaned, putting his hands to his head and his body beginning to thrash under you, “Please, I want to go home, V. I want us both to go home.”

- That was the way.

- He jolted, beginning to gag and retch as he eyes rolled back into his head. He was rejecting whatever had him, so you had to act fast.

- You gasped, immediately rolling him over, holding his hair back as he started to vomit.

- He hadn’t eaten anything in a few days, all that came out was stomach bile until…something else.

- He gagged more, retching as something black oozed out from his mouth. What the fuck was that?

 - It all came out, the poet hacking painfully and groaning as you held him, feeling his senses coming back.

- The blob of black goo formed several red eyes, teeth opening and hissing at you. It started to scurry away, but Shadow pounced on it in an instant, snarling loudly as it was pinned under their paws. It struggled and shrieked, writhing sporadically and unable to get away.

- You had no fucking clue what demon type it was, but it was as good as dead.

- And through it all, V wheezed and coughed, his body drooping forward as he rested his weight on one arm. He was shaking, trembling and weak as his body cast out the last of the traces of that creature from his system.

- “Oh darling,” You whimpered, pressing kisses to his head and pulling him against you, “Are you okay? Are you alright?”

- He groaned, his head lolling back a bit as you smoothed some more of his hair away. Griffon landed next to you both, eyeing the poet with worry as he took in his absolutely messed up form.

- “What the fuck happened?!” The bird asked in an astonished tone, looking around the demonic layer in confusion, “How did we get here…?”

- You winced, letting out a light sigh, “Long story.”

- V let out another groan, his voice weak and rasping as he muttered, “Sparrow…I’m…sorry…”

- “Shh…” You shushed him, holding him close and pressing a kiss to his temple. He felt feverish, clammy. You needed to get him out of here and fast, “We’re going to get you some help. Griffon, The others are downstairs. Get Nero and Dante up here…!”

- “On it!” The bird didn’t hesitate, darting in a flash of feathers out of the room.

- You kept holding V, whispering sweet nothings to him as you kept stroking his hair. You needed to do better. You needed to do better to protect him from things like this. Had you been more careful, this could have been prevented, you could have saved him before some gross demon was forced inside of him.

- “Hurt…you…” V murmured, his jade eyes opening to stare at you weakly, “Forgive me.”

- You put a finger to his lips, wiping away some blood from his lips as you replied, “Hush. You did nothing wrong love. Everything will be okay.”

- V closed his eyes, letting out a slow breath as he leaned into your touch. You both needed this after the days apart. You both needed each other.

- Dante and Nero came sprinting into the room moments later, both shocked to see V’s battered form in your bleeding arms. They didn’t hesitate, Dante lifting up your lover easily to carry him out.

- Nero stopped, staring at Shadow holding the black goo on the ground. He merely gestured with his chin, pulling out a pistol to point it at the creature. Shadow lifted their paws almost comically, then the creature was blasted into nothingness.

- You ignored your own wounds despite the piercing from V’s cane, making sure V was comfortable in the van on your way to a doctor before you’d even let Dante and Nico touch you.

-Luckily, Griffon was smart enough to grab V’s cane before you set out.

- V made a full recovery in the following weeks, but he refused to stop apologizing for stabbing you. Despite how many times you told him it wasn’t his fault.

- It was something you doubted he would ever live down.

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[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Sleepless nights and a shift in character developments- A homestuck au strider story

I wrote this during a bout of insomnia(partially caused by excitement) and I couldnt stop thinking about it

@turing-tested This comes from one of the MANY things I babbled about this character, so if you see this you might recognize it. 

Im going to post more about this character soon its just alot to compile for one post-at least 5 years worth or development and passion so bear with me please

Note before reading : This is in the best put terms, an au epilogue i made before homestuck even finished, and the only thing accurate to any current epilogues is the canon kids ages. 

This is long and gets a bit dark and emotional and angsty but I promise it has a happier ending. It also glosses over some heavier themes like mentions and brief discussions of nonspecified eating disorders, so if that makes you uncomfortable you can skip this

enjoy

whrrz….whrzz…..whrrzz….

The damn clock ticking was endless. The figure tossed and turned restlessly on the bed, kicking and pulling up the cotton sheets as they ceiling fan lazily spun uncaringly from above. After another bout of struggling for comfort there was a glance at the nearby digital clock

2:45 a.m

“Goddammit……” 

With a angry groan the girl fell heavily onto her back and dragged her hands down her face, staring up at the ceiling with exhaustion. This just kept happened to her, ever since she and all her friends and people she gave any shits about crashed here in a new world. No matter what she did she could never get a full nights sleep, plagued by either ruthless insomnia or vicious night terrors. Pick your poison a night. It didnt matter what the 19 year old did really, nothing eased it. And so she stared at the bedroom ceiling and the spinning fan hopelessly before she finally dragged herself up into a sitting position, head hung low. Even with moonlight streaming in blue light things felt too dark. So one tired Dian Strider fumbled her hand around the room and turned on tv on the other side of the room, wincing and squinting as its bright changing light filled her room. She glanced back at the clock and grimaced at the two minutes that had passed. Then she shut her eyes and listened, muting the tv. The apartment was quiet….too quiet…

Her eyes snapped back open, a new look of anxiety crossing her face. 

“ Hes not back yet….its Wednesday…hes late…” She shook her head and looked at the wall by her bed, at the pinned up pages of scribbles hanging there contently

WEDNESDAY : RETURNS BY 1 AM

Now she as on her feet and pacing around on fragile boned legs, absently gnawing on the scarred knuckle of her index finger. Her thoughts drifted and tumbled through her sleep deprived brain worriedly, though she wouldnt admit it aloud just yet.

Dirk wasnt home yet. He shouldve been home by now. But hes not….is he?

She stopped and looked at her bedroom door, unlocked and fully capable of opening and revealing the knowledge she wanted to know, all outside her little space.

But could she handle opening it?

With a new look of tired firmness she padded barefoot across the carpet and opened her door as silently as she could. If he WAS back she didnt want to wake him up. And there it is illuminated by the light in her room and the gently dim moonlight from the staircase and hallway window : Dirk’s bedroom door, firmly closed. She took a few light steps and Dia was now in front of it, hand grazing the doorknob as doubts made her pause. Sure, she had been living with him for almost 5 months now, and sure he had been more than welcoming and generous in his…weird stoic and socially avoident tendencies and eccentricities. Dia couldn look passed those, who was a shattered and violently anti social and mistrusting girl to judge the man who gave her and her little brother a roof to sleep under and a home to call their own when he had absolutely no obligation to? The answer was she wasnt anyone to judge him.

Not after he let her take on his last name to ease some of the trauma.

But were they really close enough to give her the right to just….turn the knob and open his door as if she was really family?

‘ Yes. we…we are? God i dont really know…But Hal gave me an ok to do so if I needed to talk or got too anxious…he said Dirk doesnt mind me leaning on him a little…so…this should be fine…to just peek in and see if hes in there…even if hes not asleep…I can just make some excuse about…fuck…anything…’ With a metaphorical slap to the face and a small huff of “ Just do it already dia stop being a pansy its just Dirk” she tightened her grip with more false confidence and turned it, slowly pushing it open just enough to poke her head in…

Just to find it empty. 

She blinked and her shoulders slumped in disappointment. He wasnt there, which mean he just…probably wasnt home yet. 

So she re shut the door without venturing further and walked over to the stairs that led down to the first floor and front of the apartment and ended up slumped across one of the sturdy steps, glaring at the wall upset and exhausted….so exhausted that her eyes fell without her realizing…letting her drift into an uneasy sleep….

And fell straight into a unrelenting nightmare.

She was forced out of it by the sound of something slamming downstairs  followed by a thump she didnt register. Because she was sitting straight up shaking violently and tearing up, fingers digging painfully into her arms as she hugged herself, breathing too fast. She looked around like a cornered animal until she was able to calm down a little, her surroundings settling back into her mind. But that slam…

Dia was on her feet gasping for breath a little as she stumbled down the rest of the stairs and out into the living room, tripping on her own two feet in her panic. She felt so small and alone and alone was the one thing she didnt want to be for a little while–

And all the spinning in her head stopped when she saw him.

He was sprawled out not all that gracefully on the beat up grey couch, one of his arms hanging off as his legs dangled over the arm. His blonde hair, much lighter than hers was a damp mess of spikes from being outside in the misty rain of before dawn that plastered against his forehead and into his uncovered, shut eyes. On his hand against his chest were his sharp shades, a dim and fading red glow slowly going out on them, a clear indicating Hal was asleep. She watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically and deeply, indicating he was already fast asleep. She figured it was from the past couple all nighters he’d pulled, between work his own projects and his nightly outings. Dia watched him sleep for a few moments then quietly walked over to his side, noting the familiar bags of insomnia under his eyes even in the dim lighting Silently she sighed and walked over to another chair in the room and grabbed a two blankets off it, a soft knitted one Dave left here from someone she was had met two times now named Rose and a thicker fabric quilt thing Dirk’s had since before she arrived, mentioned by Hal to have been a apartment warming present from friends named Jane and Roxy. She carried them over to him and with a wobbly stance and some struggling to not wake him or Hal up draped the quilt over his body, making sure it wasnt awkwardly on him. 

Then Dia wrapped the knitted blanket around herself and plopped down on the floor next to his side, facing him and watched over him for awhile. 

It wasnt anything special or life changing to her at first. She just…her brain was in a dark place and right now, The man before her was a very real and very present and constant reminder of the good in her situation. She was out of that hellscape, she was free.

She was safe and in a better place. Next to him the these early hours of the morning on the living room floor nothing bad from her past could hurt her or reach her. And that was all she needed.

So Dia made herself more comfortable and leaned on the couch in the space next to his chest and side and leaned her head against the quilt covered space until it barely, just barely pressed up against said bodily area as her body curled and folded into a comfortable spot doing so and her tired clementine eyes drowsily watched the movement of his breathing and the distant tick of a far off clock until she didnt even notice herself falling fast asleep at his side, nightmareless for the first time in months.

‘ Dirk…dirk wake up already.’

‘Dirk I know you can still hear me, wake up’

It was irritatingly bright with the morning sun when Dirk finally pried his eyes open, squinting up in pain at the ceiling. God was he fucking regretting passing out on the couch right now. So he quietly unfolded his only small salvation from the light and slid the shades over his orange eyes, blinking the exhaustion from them after with a yawn.

‘ nngh….Hal buddy you on already?’ He got an immediate, if not amused answer that made him practically imagine the body motion and expression that shouldve accompanied it. He couldnt help but smile a little and crack his neck in an attempt to ease the stiffness….god he needed a new damn couch.

‘ Dirk…dirk look down.’ He quirked an eyebrow but didnt even get a chance to ask 

Because he moved his hanging arm and brushed against another solid mass that made him look down anyway.

He didnt dare move for a few moments when he saw Dia curled up beside him on the floor, his hand having brushed against the slim girl’s too bony arm. But didnt wake up, only shifted slightly as her head burrowed into his side a bit, looking more relaxed than he’d ever really seen her. 

‘ When did she…?’

‘ I am not sure. she was already there asleep when I first started up this morning. I can only assume shes been there since we got home.’ He dragged a hand through his hair as he looked over her and carefully moved his arm so he didnt wake her up.

Dirk decided not to sit up or move from the couch yet either. 

‘ She almost looks happy…’

“ Yeah… I know. Too bad she doesnt always look like this…’ There was a silence between them and Dirk sighed through his nose. 

‘…im going to make breakfast.’ Was the only thing Dirk finally said before carefully getting up and heading to the kitchen. ‘ Oh? Thats a first for you…you normally skip breakfast.’ Dirk didnt respond right away, scavenging the simple, cluttered kitchen for anything to cook and scrunching his nose a little when he wasnt really finding anything.

‘ Dirk you KNOW there hasnt been any grocery restocking since you started your latest project…’ He groaned and pressed his forehead against the freezer door and stayed quiet for another moment, gears in his head turning and things lining up in his head. Hal didnt try prodding him too much for an answer. He knew the human too well by now, Dirk was working something out in his head. And on top of that he had barely been awake maybe twenty minutes after a total of maybe four or five hours of sleep, doing three all nighters before that. So Hal wasnt quick to call Dirk all to responsive lately. 

Maybe he should contact Jane after all to get him into a healthier…well…anything.

“ ….I really didnt want to go outside this early…but if the kid will be asleep for awhile…hmm…” 

‘ Hmm what?’ The blonde shook his head a little and rubbing an eye with the palm of his hand as if forcing the drowsiness away. 

“ Hey Hal….mind messaging Dave for me and asking when he’s planning to come back home from Karkat’s this week?” ‘…alright Dirk I am, anything else?’ Hal asked, a bit sympathetic at the exhaustion in his voice. He knew Dirk didnt like to bother Dave with too much, especially when the younger strider stayed with them specifically to make sure Dirk took care of himself. He wanted him to live his own damn life without worrying about him, and so didnt ask him when he was coming back or how long he’d stay.

“…yeah. Ask him if its today and if he could possibly grab some groceries on his way home…” There was a silence but Hal told him he would and Dirk’s shoulders slumped when they got the reply that Dave would show up in about a half hour, and asking for a general list or if he should just wing it. 

Dirk said to just wing it. He wasnt picky right now.

Dia hadnt woken up by the time Dirk pulled on a decently cleaner shirt and his shoes, though she had shifted somewhat. He was a little relieved, she’d been sleeping worse than him recently and any rest was good rest. Yeah…it was was all he concluded as he slipped outside into the bright sunlight and sat on the stoop step that led into the apartment, absently gazing over the city lost in thought. 

“ Yo Dirk.” He glanced down to see Dave coming up the steps in casual clothing, face mostly neutral as he carried up two big bags of food. Dirk saw the slightly furrowed brows and the way his mouth tugged down in concern and heaved a sigh, standing and walking down to take one of the bags.

“ Gotta be quiet when you go in, the kid’s fast asleep in the living room and I kinda want her to stay that way. Where’s Derik?” Dave shrugged as he followed him up.

“ He was video calling Jay when Hal pestered me, so I left him be and came alone.” He got a nod as they walked in, Dave raising an eyebrow seeing Dia on the floor but not voicing the question. 

Dirk probably didnt move her so she’d sleep longer. He knew she had issues with being touched.

Though when they entered the kitchen his eyebrows furrowed again.

“ Dirk when was the last time you cleaned the damn apartment? You’ve got shit lying everywhere again it wasnt like this when I was here last.” The older man shrugged as he shoved junky clutter out of the way and replaced it with the bag of food, not exactly wanting to answer. The knight sighed and resisted any urges to smack the other person he considered family. Because goddamn was it hard to resist when he was falling back into bad habits and going back on months of progress being made.

“ You know what? Dont worry about it Dirk. I’ll help you pick up later or something since I’m here. Lets just get all the food put away and make something to eat, because damn am I starved and Im sure she will be too once she actually wakes up.” Dirk mumbled an agreement and started putting things away and setting stuff up to cook…something, anything. 

“ So…what is with the sudden desire to make breakfast? Hal and I usually have to force you not to skip it.” Dave wasnt really expecting an answer, To be honest neither was Hal at that point. Dirk was clearly in a more antisocial mood and that was fine really, but the silence was making the shorter blonde…twitchy. Maybe he just wasnt used to it anymore, when he considered half the time he stayed with Karkat further out of the city in a house that was distinctly more…energetic with two teenagers running around living with them. He had thought having Dia here might break him out of that but she could be just as bad as he was honestly, a sometimes too perfect match in their isolation habits.

He was thinking about it so much he almost missed Dirk’s reply, turning towards him blinking. 

“ Wait wha–” “ I said I’m not doing it for me…im making food for Dia.” There was a moment of a much more fragile silence and dirk pulled off Hal and set him on the counter, gripping it with both hands as he stared tiredly at the wall and cabinets in front of him, his eyes a bit distant as if he was seeing something else entirely Dave couldnt. He sighed heavily and continued with a low tone that sounded like he was trying to stay neutral, unemotional about it.

“ She doesnt eat enough. Coming from me already is a big deal but, I…Im almost positive she has some sort of eating disorder Dave. One she just wont tell me about. But I see the signs of it all over her. The underweight, the fragility of her whole body, the fatigue, the way she tries to avoid eating as much as possible, the way she hides herself away after meals…but I cant push her either because well fuck. What place do I have to really say anything? I’m not blood related, I’ve only known her about 5 months and ive barely tried to get to know her that much or get close to her but she’s grown on me a little and im worried one of these days her insomnia and her lack of eating are going to do her off right under my nose and there’ll be no one to blame but myself for not looking out for her enough. Like fuck,” His nails scrapped along the counter as his fingers curled in frustration. “ Im a goddamn wreck half the time and she’s almost worse than me and I just…I dont even know. The kid deserves better than that? She probably deserves alot better than staying up at night waiting and worrying when I’m going to get home and falling asleep on the goddamn floor and–maybe…maybe I should’ve had Roxy or Jane take her instead. Or even Jake. Somewhere where’d she’d-she’d get help for her issues, not a place to let them fester.” The air was heavy as he finished, his shoulders slumped in defeat and his head hung as if it had become too much to stay up on its own, eyes screwed close in a frustrated kind of pain. Dave was a little speechless, he knew Dirk felt a little responsible for Dia and part of that mightve been from himself but…He didnt know.

He shouldve known though. 

“ Dirk…Jesus Dirk why didnt you mention any of this sooner? If you’ve been so worried you could just tell me and I’d help you.” He moved closer and put a hand on his shoulder, pushing up his shades and leaning over to try to look the older man in the eyes. 

“ Dirk cmon dont shut me out now after that damn word vomit of you actually opening up. You are not shutting down on me, hell no. You opened your own floodgates and we’re going to swim through what the fuck you released together and work this out because clearly help is needed right now. If it wasnt you wouldnt have asked me to come back out of nowhere, and we wouldnt be having an emotional brotherly moment in the middle of your shitty kitchen at nine in the goddamn morning with the kid you’re clearly worried about dead asleep on your living room floor. So, lets talk ok?” With another tired sigh Dirk nodded as they kept cooking, neither noticing the thin figure slip away upstairs to shower.

After Dave left things were awkward. The two sat at Dirk’s kinda crappy dining table with a non microwaved meal in front of them both poking at it in silence. By the time they both decided they were done the house apartment felt delicate and tense. But regardless Dia holed up in her room for the rest of the evening to prepare for another fitful night and around ten Dirk pulled on his shoes and headed out. 

Dia checked the clocked a couple hours later, noting tiredly that it was only ten past midnight. So she simply rolled over to face the wall and shut her eyes, trying to shut off her brain. It almost worked too…

Click.

Her eyes snapped open and she lifted her head to look towards the door briefly confused, almost assuming she was hearing things. She glanced at the clock again. 12:13 am. She rubbed her eyes and slowly sat up.

“ No way…I heard him leave at ten…and he usually doesnt come back until at least two on thursday…” She listened for a moment to make sure, and sure enough there was the sound of shuffling downstairs, slowly coming up the stairs. When she heard Dirk’s bedroom door open she got up and shuffled over to her own peeking out of her door to see his back. Before she could stop herself she made a noise to announce her presence and Dirk paused, looking back at her. There was a moment where they both stared at each other as she briefly panicked at the fact she started this conversation.

“ y..you’re back pretty early tonight…” She almost visibly cringed at herself as he gave a small shrug.

“ Didnt feel like being out for long tonight…besides, keeps some anxieties down if im not gone too late.” She stood up straighter and looked up at him stunned. He…he came home early…so she wouldnt worry? Her mind flashed to the morning before and something warm filled her chest. She nodded and murmured that she appreciated it and swore she saw a smile on his face before he continued into his room.

“ Hey um…” She saw him pause again and she took a nervous breath. She wasnt used to this, but…

“ I um…im not that picky when it comes to food…but I dont mind spicy foods, as long as its not deathly spicy. I’m also willing to try most things put out for me to eat at least once…so I’ll at least try to eat most meals…” She glanced back up to see him nod, a small smile now clear on his face.

“ Alright kiddo, I’ll keep that in mind. Try to go to bed before sunrise.” She nodded back and slipped back into her room, somehow feeling a little lighter.

The next couple weeks after that were different for them both. At first it was hard to describe, but things were less stiff so to say. They both came out of theyre rooms more for meals together and…just talked. The talks were awkward as hell at first, but the more they did the more she looked forward to meal time, and the less she dreaded eating. Even though she struggled to open up to the older man she could still find things to talk about. At some point she started cooking again, which she hadn’t done since she took care of her little brother, over five months ago. Dia started when she noticed Dirk skipping meals, lost in his work.So…she started making things and leaving them for him with a reminder to eat. And once his portion was gone she ended up eating what was left for herself, the portion being enough to not make her feel too guilty most nights. 

But things were on a better track, Hal pointed out as much one night as Dirk slipped back into the apartment as the clock read 1:00 am. Dirk raised an eyebrow and got a bit of a half smile. “ oh yeah? You really think so huh?” 

‘ Yes I do actually. You havent noticed? She’s opening up to us both more than she has in months.’ Dirk nodded with a hum as he made his way to the stairs, listening to hear if Dia was moving about and noticed it was quiet. Maybe for once she managed to fall asleep. 

‘ You know, you two are alot alike, at least with your issues and and some of your traumas.’ Dirk paused halfway up the stairs and tilted his head as he thought about it, not exactly responding. But Hal continued on.

‘ I think at this point, the best course of action for you both would be for you two to try having a deeper conversation. It would benefit you both greatly to try discussing and sympathizing over your similar issues. At the very least it would help you both open up more, something we both know is very needed in this apartment.’ He…couldnt really argue with that one. 

“ Ya know what? fuck it why not. I’m not going to push her too much but…I’ll give it a shot.” 

And he did. When he saw her at breakfast he motioned for her to listen and took a deep breath through his nose, preparing for the worst. He vividly remembered how she could lash out when she felt cornered or afraid, and that was the last thing he wanted.

So he tried as gently as he could, following some of Hal’s advice and the advice of Rose who he’d talked about this with much earlier in the morning for ideas to approach the subject…delicately. He even vaguely put some of his smaller issues on the table first, made them vulnerable which made Hal rather proud of him for. 

“ Look Dia…I get it ok? I get the not wanting to talk to anyone about it and the need to be strong and unbreakable. But I also know how that can fuck you up even more. It has for me for years…and…I’ve lost trust with close friends because of it. I did things I still dont forgive myself for trying to bottle it up.” She listened and nodded. Then Dia looked down and touched one of her scarred knuckles and took a deep breath. Then she looked up with an expression he hadnt seen before, it was tired and sad and vulnerable. Suddenly she looked like her age, a broken and exhausted 19 year old who’d been suffering on her own for too long, and he watched her shoulders droop as she spoke as if a weight was starting to lift off them.

“ I…I-I have alot wrong with me Dirk…maybe too much to be fixed…so much you may not want to bother with me if you knew everything…I’m…Im beyond screwed up and I cant even eat anymore without trying to loss the nonexistent weight it brings…I…I’ve done too much I dont deserve this I dont…” She trailed off and Dirk reached out and hesitantly, understandingly placed his hand on her wrist, making her look him in the eyes.

“ Why dont we start by just being screwed up together kid? You arent alone in it anymore…and about the eating, we can work on that first and get you started on recovery however you need it. But lets start small and see how we survive it.” She smiled a little and nodded, relaxing.

“ Yeah, ok.” 

A few nights later Dia was tossing and turning again after waking up from another nightmareThis time a light rain drummed on the roof from a small passing storm. She looked at the clock and glared at the two am glaring back at her before sitting up and pulling on her hoodie. Maybe…

She got up and walked over to her door and stepped out, looking at Dirk’s door and expecting him to be out. But what she saw instead was a soft light coming from under the door, signifying he was still home and awake. With a deep breath she walked over and raised her hand to knock, only to pause and stare at the wood. She started doubting her right to interrupt him when their last talk flashed to mind. He had opened up to her a little and she had done the same, they had shared a moment and she felt…closer to him. She didnt feel like a burden as much.

So with more confidence than she had she grabbed the handle and turned it, letting the light wash over her warmly as she gazed at his back, sitting at his desk across the room making something. She only hesitated for a moment before her body relaxed and she smiled a little, taking a step in.

“ H-hey Dirk…I cant sleep…do you mind if I hang in here for awhile?” 

She shut the door behind her when she saw him smile while declaring she can have his bed since he’ll be up awhile longer.

She fell into a peaceful sleep that night, feeling safe and at home.

End

Tadaaaa, this took a long while to write but I hope it was worth the wait! And I hope you guys like it!

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[negasonicimagines]

TEAM (Part Two)

I forgot to mention that this fic is partially inspired by Lorde’s “Team,” hence the title. Kind of about how no matter how much you and the other characters here bicker, you’re all on each others’ team.

This is the second part to TEAM (Part One) [but I hope that’d be obvious] and therefore is inspired by the same request and has essentially the same trigger warnings.

“So, you and Ellie, huh? About time,” Logan remarks, and you feel yourself blush.

“No! It’s not like that! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be the luckiest girl in the world, but, uh… No, it’s not like that.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen the way you two are together. When she’s not looking at you or her phone, she’s watching everyone else like a hawk, like they’re threats. Honestly, Piotr’s worried about her.”

At the mention of Wade’s friend, you’re reminded of what Logan said before, about the thing that he knew that he shouldn’t tell her, the thing Wade also knew.

“What was that, anyway? The thing you knew that you didn’t know before that you would’ve told me if you had but couldn’t tell me?”

“I’m afraid that’s Wade’s business.”

“Great,” you remark. “So, I’ll never know.”

“Listen, kid, I know the stuff he said-”

“Screamed.”

“The stuff he screamed at you was pretty fucking awful. But… He had his reasons, okay? Being around him, being as close to him as you were was dangerous. It made you a target,” Logan explains.

“When will you people realize that I can’t die forever?! I’ve died plenty of times, and I always come back! Let me make my own decisions!”

“How many times have you died, Y/N?” Logan asks.

“It’s just… Hard not to starve when my mom kicks me out over school breaks, especially with the metabolism that comes with a healing factor. I can’t stay with Wade all the time, he has himself and Al to worry about. Muggers don’t like when you don’t have money. Mom doesn’t like me when I don’t have money. I don’t know, probably like eight or nine times.”

“You should’ve come here!” Logan scolds, and you want to curl in on yourself, just like before. “I’m sorry. He and I both know just how much dying can fuck you up, so, to hear you say that you’ve died.... And that you don’t care if you do? It’s concerning, to say the least.”

“Boo-hoo, Y/N’s crazy. Who isn’t?” you remark, annoyed at his concern. Men, they always think they know better.

He sighs. “Listen. You should just talk to him, I’m sure-”

“No,” you say, and it comes out as a whimper. The wound was still fresh. “I don’t want to.”

“Hey, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Logan reassures you. “He probably feels bad for what he said, and-”

“I said no,” you cut him off, but the sad tone in your voice doesn’t make you sound very convincing.

“And he’s not gonna apologize unless he thinks you wanna hear it. You know how Wade gets when he feels guilty, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, I don’t wanna hear an apology. I just want him to be my friend again, like before. That’s it. I don’t care to know why, or how, or whatever. I just miss my friend,” you admit, and Logan sighs.

“Okay...”

“Is it alright if I go? I wanna get started on my Chemistry homework.”

“Yeah,” Logan says. “Go ahead. See you next Wednesday. Or, sooner, if you need anything.”

You leave the gym, making your way to your dorm  with your head down, when you bump into a familiar red-suited man.

“Sorry,” you squeak, not even able to meet the eyes of the mask, before attempting to go past him. He stops you, grabbing at your shoulder, but you flinch away. “Please d-don’t…”

“Y/N…” Wade murmurs, filled with remorse at his rampage. He’d made you scared of him, which means it worked, but he regrets how much it hurt you. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“You’re not, huh?” Ellie, swiftly approaching, asks. “Pretty sure you already did, Deadpool.”

“I just wanted-” he starts, but Ellie, your avenging angel, cuts him off.

“You just wanted what, huh? To terrorize them more, is that it?

“Terrorize? I-”

“You what? Didn’t? Because as someone who sleeps in the same room as Y/N, I can confirm that you did. They cry in their sleep like they did the day it happened. Did you know that, that you made them cry? I guess you do now. So, leave, before I decide I’m going to follow you out the door and blow you to Hell.”

“E-Ellie, I said not to hurt him,” you quietly tell her, and she clenches her fists, grumbling.

“You did?” Wade asks.

“Of course,” you respond meekly, tapping the tips of your fingers together and avoiding the gaze of everyone around you. and Ellie places an arm around you, glaring at Wade without mercy.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, Y/N. I- I just didn’t know what to do, so much was happening. I was so angry at the situation, so scared for your safety, and I took all that aggression out on you, the one person I should’ve been channeling those feelings into protecting, and I- I know I already said it, but I’m a blabbermouth with nothing else to say, so… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, kid. I know you probably don’t care, you just wanna start over and stay the hell away from me, but I’m sorry. And my door’s always open.”

“Thank you. I forgive you,” you nod, smiling a little, You’re already starting to feel better, more like yourself.

“You what?” Ellie questions, shaking with anger. “He hurt you. He shouldn’t ever be forgiven.”

“She’s right,” Wade agrees, head down.

“Well, it’s my forgiveness, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it,” you remind them, shrugging.

“There she is,” Wade says quietly, and you can somehow tell that he’s smiling. You don’t know if it’s body language, tone of voice, or what, but he’s smiling.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I’m gonna keep living here, and I’m gonna keep taking better care of myself, so no one has to worry about me again,” you inform him.

“Wrong goal, but I appreciate the method. I don’t mind worrying about you, kid, but I’d rather worry about you not doing your homework than about the next time you’re gonna collapse on my porch, dead.”

“What?” Ellie wonders, and you groan. “Wait, have you died?”

“Goddammit, Wade,” you grumble. “She didn’t know that.”

“H-how?”

“Not important,” you tell her.

“No, it is, Y/N. You want all of us to get over the fact that you can die, but the truth is that you need to get over the fact that we care if you die,” Wade corrects you. There’s no malice in his tone, but the words themselves cause anxiety to slither out of the pit of your stomach like a snake and curl around your lungs and heart, maintining a tight grip.

“It’s because of you not eating or sleeping enough, isn’t it?” Ellie asks. “That’s what you guys were in that fight about the other morning, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you admit, and Ellie closes her eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath and trying to remain calm for your sake, for her own sake.

“Right,” she responds, sighing. “Well, I’m not letting that happen again.”

“Challenge accepted,” you chuckle, and she rolls her eyes.

“I was just on my way back to Photography. Forgot my camera. See you later.”

She makes her way in the direction of the classroom, disappearing around a corner.

“Man, if she didn’t hate me before, she sure does now,” Wade says, and you smile, shaking your head. “Really?” he asks.

“Photography is Mondays and Thursdays… And she didn’t even have her camera.”

Wade scoffs. “Well, she’s definitely taking good care of you. I always knew she would, one day. When did you two finally make it official?  I’m sorry that I missed it.”

“We haven’t made anything official, Wade, she doesn’t like me like that. We’re just close friends.”

He rolls his eyes, going to playfully shove your shoulder, but you flinch away. He sighs.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “I- I was so cruel, I just wanted to say whatever i could to get you away, to protect you, from m-”

“From what? The thing Logan keeps talking about?”

“What thing?” he asks, sounding a bit panicked.

“He keeps saying that there’s this thing he knows that he would’ve told me if he’d known before but he shouldn’t tell me now. It’s super weird, but he said you were going to tell me before you- You-” You stop yourself from continuing, still, shaking a little bit at the memory. It was only the day before yesterday.

“Yeah,” he responds quietly. “It was part of the reason I did that. I just- Us being friends was already dangerous, and you being- You- You’re- I- I’m so sorry I left you with her, if I’d known, if I’d known she was pregnant...I would’ve done the right thing! I’m not that kind of dirtbag, you’ve gotta believe me, and I’m just so, so sorry. Everything that’s wrong with your life, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I’d just thought- If I’d just thought, but I was young, and stupid, and there’s nothing I can do now except own up to it, own up to the fact that I- I am- I’m- Oh, please…” He practically falls into you, wrapping his arms around your neck. You feel him shake with sobs, and you cry, too, but with a different emotion. Not regret, but happiness.

“You? You’re him?” you ask, and he readjusts himself, backing away from you.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before hugging, I just didn’t think it was gonna be so hard, and you’re my best friend, and I- I don’t know, I don’t know. I’m so sorry that I’m your father.”

“You are? You’re sorry?” you ask, knowing that he’s apologizing because he regrets it, regrets you and your entire existence.

“Not in the way you’re thinking! You- You deserve so much better, I wanted so much better for you,” he reassures you, or, at least, attempts to.

“How do you even know?”

“I just… I talked to Xavier to see if he had any connections that could help me find your father, and he said he did, but he insisted that I give him a sample of my DNA to see if they match before he used his connections. I laughed it off, but then… it was a match.”

“How’d you get my DNA?” You wonder.

“Oh, I stuck a cotton swab in your mouth while you were sleeping. Wasn’t hard, you’re a really heavy sleeper,” he says, and you have a faint memory of the dream you had about a week ago where you were abducted by aliens that wanted to harvest your DNA to create genetically modified pet humans for their home planet. You laugh.

“So, you found out it was a match, and then… You were angry about it? Hated that the Wilson family legacy wasn’t going to end with you?”

“No. I was angry, yeah, but at myself. I was irresponsible, and my best friend in the whole world sufferred because of it. I never recognized your mom the times I’d seen her, and we had sex!”

“You had sex with my mom? Bro code violation alert!” you joke, and he chuckles bitterly.

“Right?” he responds. “But… I don’t even know where to go from here. Things can’t go back to normal, that’s not okay. I need to step up. And, even if it was the right thing to do, going back to normal… I get the feeling that you’re not gonna be that comfortable around me for a while. I was… I was just like my dad. My worst fucking fear.”

“You’re not him, okay? I promise.”

“I should be comforting you,” he says, stepping towards you. Out of renewed instinct, you step back. He’s heartbroken.

“Try- Try not to take it personally, I’m like this with just about everybody,” you attempt to make him feel better, but he shakes his head.

“You haven’t been like this with me, not before- Before I did what I did. Said those things, those awful, untrue things. Why did I say those things? They weren’t the truth, they were the opposite of it. I love hearing from you, it makes every day better. Finding you on my couch is a great feeling, knowing that someone as great as you trusts me, sees me as someone who can keep them safe.”

“And my memes?” You ask in a sarcastically accusatory tone.

“The funniest,” he replies. “Can I- Can I give you a hug?”

You nod, and he surges forward, wrapping you up in his arms and spinning you around.

“I always hoped it’d be like that,” you quietly admit, and he beams.

“Listen, we can talk later at dinner. I think you’ve got a certain girl you need to talk to, and she and her metal accomplice are approaching.”

“I think she’s his accomplice,” you correct with a laugh.

“Gotta bounce before the hardest guy on Earth ropes me into another mission. I’ll be back, though, kid.”

“Yeah. See you soon…”

“Wade’s fine for now, unless you wanna call me something else. We can negotiate later, ‘kay? Love you, bye.” Wade scurries down the hall, not realizing that he’s going towards the dorms, not the exit.

“Wade Wilson!” calls Piotr from behind you, and you turn around to see that Ellie is far closer to you than she is to Piotr, having gone faster on her smaller, lighter legs.

“Uh, hello…” you say dumbly.

“Based on your expression, I’d say that discussion went well.”

“Very well. Thank you for giving him the opportunity to talk to me alone, I’m sure you didn’t wanna do that.”

“I didn’t, but I figured it was the best option. Tell me more on the way to the dorm.”

“Well, uh… He apologized, a lot. Not just for the fights.”

“For letting you die?”

“No. Worse.”

“Holy shit, what’d he do, and why haven’t I heard about it?” She asks, tense.

“Because I didn’t know,” you reply defensively. “He’s- He’s my biological father, Ellie.”

“Whoa… Seriously? How long has he known?”

“I don’t know, but not long, the DNA tests were recently. He just wanted to help me find my dad and when he asked Xavier if he had any way of helping, the Professor said that he had to submit a sample to be tested. Turn’s out the old man’s hunch was right. You… You still wanna be friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I?” Ellie wonders.

“I just- I know you don’t like Wade very much, and I’m technically his daughter, so…”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore,” Ellie argues, and then covers her mouth.

“You love me?”

“Yeah, but just, like, in a friend way,” she plays it off rather smoothly, in her opinion, but you sigh in disappointment before you can stop yourself. “Wait, do you love me in a not-friend way?”

“Not really sure what you wanna hear,” you respond, feeling the recently-sealed cracks in your heart refracturing.

“Do you?” she asks.

You’re silent as the two of you walk to your shared dorm.

“Y/N, I asked you a question. Do you love me as a friend, or as more?”

You feel overheated and nauseous, that’s how nervous you are. You attempt to take some steadying breaths before answering: “More.”

“Oh, thank god…” she sighs. “I- I told you on Monday, when you fell asleep with me. But you were asleep, so, you didn’t hear me… Duh… I sound so stupid right now, don’t I?”

“No, not at all! Jeez, today just keeps getting better and better, I mean it!” You exclaim.

“Can- Can I kiss you?” Ellie asks nervously, and your eyes widen, but you nod. She takes your face in her hands and just goes for it, pressing her lips to yours. You respond immediately, wrapping your arms around her neck while her hands slip past your face and into your hair, tugging gently. You let out a small, quiet moan at that, and you can feel her smirk a little. She kisses you faster, pushing her body closer to yours, and your knees give out. She catches you in the nick of time, laughing a bit at how easily flustered you are as she nudges you toward the bed, sitting there with you. “Your knees are right, we probably shouldn’t rush into things.”

“Yeah…” you admit, resting your head on her shoulder.

“I love you…” She mumbles. “I’ve loved you for a long time, actually.”

“Same here. When did you know?”

Ellie replies: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I can tell you first, if you want,” you offer.

“Yeah, do that…” She says.

“I just realized that every time I was upset, you were there, making me feel better. Even if you didn’t know it. Every time my mom hit me, or I got stabbed by an asshole mugger, or I was about to faint from hunger… You were right there. Making my life better just by existing.”

“I wish I could’ve been right there in person, to help you,” Ellie says, and you shake your head.

“That’s not the point. The point is that you did, without even trying. You always make me happy, without even trying.You just have to be there and everything is better.”

“That’s really nice… I feel dumb now,” Ellie confesses.

“It’s not dumb! Probably not, I mean…” you reply, nuzzling her chest a bit as you try to get a bit cozier.

“Um...You probably don’t know this, but I used to get in fights a lot before we met. And Piotr would always lecture me, telling me it wasn’t heroic to fight out of anger. That I should fight for something, not because of something. That I should be aware of the consequences that come with fighting, and truly think about them before I did. I never understood what he meant, and then we met and became friends… Then best friends…

“I didn’t even realize that before every fight, even the ones I was assigned, I’d think about how I was going to make the world a better place for you. I’d think about what you would think if you heard what I was doing. I- I made a mistake at one point, got angry over nothing and got into another stupid, pointless fight. It was the first time in awhile I’d heard Colossus’s spiel, and I realized my thinking process with every world he spoke. It all just made me think of how I feel about you. You’d made me a better person, more mindful of the consequences of my actions, my thoughtless, immature violence. That’s when I knew.”

“Oh, shut up! That’s way better than mine and not embarrassing at all! Show-off,” you remark, and she chuckles.

“That was fucking beautiful!” Wade wails from behind the door.

“I think I liked it better when you two weren’t friends,” Ellie comments, and you smile at her, shaking your head. She takes your hand in hers and squeezes gently.

“Oh, come on. You can’t hate him. I mean, I wouldn’t exist without him, for a few reasons. I mean, he’s the one who passed me the gene for a healing factor, even if his was recessive before. And, I mean, he’s the sperm donor either way.”

“I heard that!” he shouts, and Ellie smiles at you, planting another kiss on your lips.

You could get used to this.

[dailyjeons]

BTS account 13/10/18

didn’t do merch cause i did that in london, didnt go for studio cause that was probably not feasible with how our lines were going (at least i was too scared to do it).. sucks cause i didnt get allowed into the london booth while in the amsterdam booth everyone was queue-ing up anyways and getting in lol

bolding the subjects so you can skip parts that dont interest you

pre concert stuff So I was going to the concert with a person(Julie) I met through tumblr, she responded to my message asking if people wanted to queue up in GA with me cause I was alone. She was with a group of people and they basically adopted me so that was nice!!  Julie was super kind, constantly looking out for me, for my anxiety too and just I really loved being with her, time really flew!! We prioritized looking out for eachother over seeing the boys so I was really happy bout that! We basically queued up at 7AM in the 'unofficial line' that later on became the official one! Campers were sent out, I believe, but they probably came back early still! We still had a fairly decent spot I suppose? The camping out itself wasn't too stressful but I had a lot of anxiety bout being in the pit in a crowd of people, not havin bathroom breaks and being on 2 hours of sleep gjkfg Julie tried to reassure me through all of that. there were some fans giving out some stuff in the line!! like arts and stuff and i got this from a jimin fansite, i think she was japanese? 

it was so funny basically she did rock paper scissors with fans to determine if they’d win.. i lost but she gave it to me anyways?? LOL she didnt give it to anyone else that lost LOL

gettin into pit Eventually we got in and fortunately my tickets worked!! We like rushed into the left side but the view was not bad, ok, then we tried for the right side and we got similar views? But I think overall it was just a little better! We were around the sixth/fifth row in the pit but we moved up a bit to the fifth/fourth during the concert. I had a fairly good view on the stage, and could see the boys clearly!! I still used my iphone to film cause of the amazing quality zoom it has and i have so much gooood footage ahhhh my hands are super shaky though so thats annoying but oh well, its something! they like handed out water very often thank god so i could cool off and drink durin the concert!! we had to stand for like 3 hours inside so i was getting really nervous but once the concert started it was fine!!

concert Anyways the concert itself was mindblowing? They're actually sosososo good live it's actually insane how they sing live through their choreo or while bouncing around. Tear is still my favorite performance but the crowd went a little too wild around then so i didnt enjoy it as much :( They also did the medley I prefered (w Baepsae) which made so happy cause i got to experience both medleys now jdskfhfsdf.. i do feel like the performances were better for the London date, but the interactions and the boys happiness were on a much higher level in Amsterdam, especially with jungkook flying around trying to dance!! That said I felt like the crowd fell a little bit flat.. When the Jimin/Namjoon VCR was playing everyone was screaming initially for both but after a hot minute they like only screamed for Jimin?? The silence was actually deafening so Julie and I decided to help with Namjoon's screams then, and it was so disappointing we were legitimately the only 2 people screaming for him in such a venue lol. Crowd did however go wild at Kim Seokjin's performance, and IT'S WHAT HE DESERVES. Overall I think Seokjin and Jimin had the best reactions in Amsterdam, and London both.

impressions on boys As for the boys. Gonna be honest with y'all I was so busy filming Jungkook solo all day that I didn't really notice others?? fdjkghdf since i already had thel ondon date i figured today was jungkook's day now i had sights on him proper.. Some notes, Yoongi, Jimin and Namjoon spoke some Dutch and it was super cute!! Yoongi did it first fjgdkhfdg 

Yoongi: Super smol but big hands, and fluffy cheeks (he bloats really easily lolol) his see saw performance was REALLY good today too, i feel like reaction to seesaw is the best, everyone's always singing the whole song w it while most of the crowd struggled with their title tracks in both london and amsterdam LOLLL yoongi must be so proud over it.. also he's the first to speak in dutch to us but it was like really suddenly right before they were performing so nobody really noticed fjghkdfg and u know when he makes a dad joke and he smiles flustered, but nobody reacts to his jokes.. he did that thing LOLLL

Namjoon; very long and slender, his legs are legit 70% of his body and he went offffff today like when he's into shit like tear i cry cuz oh my god merCY kjdfhgdhjkfg Namjoon seemed to really love Amsterdam tbh he kept talking bout stuff to do while the others had fairly standard stuff to say, with a lot of repeat from the london concert too (which is fine vconsidering its hard for themt o speak in eng too)

Hoseok: He looks a lot sharper irl?? im not sure if i said differently last time, but now i saw him up close he's definitely much more handsome, cameras dont do him justice.. also he always has the most gentle smile on his face and it calmed me down a lot jkfgh

Taehyung: tbh im not sure if i missed him but i didnt really see him on my side a lot? i think like a few times i tried to film but couldnt really get it..?? julie did tho.. he's kind of.. small? but not small like yoongi but small like i'd confuse him for a high school kid.. BUT his face?? is really smth else his face is SO small but his features are sooooooo big and sharp.. god himself shaped this boy

Jin: ok yeah this man is 10000% more handsome irl liek i was filmin jk and lost focus and then jin appeared and i almost dropped my phone cause what the fuck?? hes GORGEOUS.. he didnt do the forehead/glasses look today though, unfortuantely cause jesus christ that was something else. he was bein a crackhead to jk again today rofll

jimin: he's legit a fairy irl lol it doesnt make sense.. like.. he's... really pretty....... super super super pretty, guys like legitimiately glowing.. he was super playful today and he seemed really happy to perform on his birthday which is super pure considering.. who likes working on their birthday? he like moved his dressshirt/blouse off shoulder a bit during the fake love portion of the set and oh ym god h..e..........HE... his collar... i want 2 kiss it.......platonically.

as for jimin's birthday.. omg he's so cute? they were at the extended stage when his birthday message came up (a message in dutch) and he like instantly rushed back to the main stage to show off his birthday message and he proceeded to talk in dutch about how it's his birthday, and how army are his gift?? it was suuuper cute!! imagine Jimin practicing his dutch just for this moment fdgkjhdf

jungkookie!!

Anyways onto ma boy!! Jungkook is absolutely unreal pretty. He didn't look as bloated/pained today so i guess i saw The Jungkook today and he's so.. sharp looking??? like his jawline and cheekbones are insane and like the dimple?? ughhhhh he looked a lil smaller now i was upclose but his thighs were still gods gift.. also he did forehead kookie instead of coconut kookie, i remain blessed.. he always hears my prayers..

throughout the show he was honestly super cute, he kept dancing in his chair to the choreo, spinning in circles while doing it, hopping around the stage slowly to wave and look at every fan.. he even looked towards me at some point but i legitimately dodged and turned away cause like I FELT SO GReaYS ANd i'd rather not have him see me like that lmaooo anyways it's so super cute how despite his injury he still tries to give it his all at all times, and now he could walk around he's instantly back at trying to make interactions with all fans?? a precious baby honestly!!

his ending ment was really-really sweet as well and it always amazes me how eloquent he can get when he gets to share us his real feelings.. i really am glad he's not too disappointed in himself anymore and has reached a point where he's just working on getting better instead<3!!

other than that, just like in london.. jungkook's vocals are insane. i don't care that he's not top tier vocalist in terms of technique but he got smth completely else and thats' how comffortably he can move around in his range and remain stable and it's just.. so amazing to hear him hit certain notes with almost.. ease? voice never cracks even after 23948234 songs it's so sickkkk

anyways this was definitely one of the best nights in my life.. despite allt hes tress and anxiety.. i’m sosoosos glad i went through all of this for that.. i had the greatest company and ended up having the greatest experience<3

[unproduciblesmackdown]

there’s ways in which i’ve advanced over time, like how my Self Esteem seems reasonable to me whereas i used to think that the abuse which made me wanna die mustve been brought on by me somehow rather than just like, because it happens. i still wanna die but that in and of itself doesnt really bother me as much as it bothers me that nobody should ever have to be made to feel that way. or like how i’ve always only gotten “meaner,” in a good way, because its that im not gonna pretend i dont have my own feelings or that i think everyone else can treat me however they want or i have to say ok to anything anyone asks. or how if i dont want to interact with someone, especially if its because i dont like them, but also because maybe i dont want to like humor somebody in my vicinity, we’re not gonna be friends. i might be sad i dont and have never had friends but i’m picky about ppl and i’m not abt to hang w ppl i dont wanna be around coz honestly having a crap friend group who dont even act like friends to you is more depressing than being by yourself.

anyways the point is it can be annoying the things that is hard to change. i understand why this is and think its okay that its difficult and progress is slow. because you dont just change only because you Decide To hard enough. and i dont think its “bad” to have problems like anxiety. and there’s some things, which are things that seem weird to people or they dont always Like and that sometimes get me treated badly, that are part of how i am and aren’t all from being abused, though everything is affected in its own way by that factor because it was my whole life up until a couple years ago, and ive still encountered abusive situations since. and these things that are part of who i am might not seem Ideal to other people. or because they might make social situations worse for me, i should have to change them, but i dont really think so. i think more that, other people could learn just little ways to communicate with me that work out better even if they’re not the “standard,” if people were invested enough. and also, back to the ways i am thanks to traits that help you survive ongoing trauma, there’s no “default” me to like, chop off something like “reticence, caginess” and return to my Pure State. its not even like its bad to be quiet. you just try to change in ways you want to for your own sake. its complicated, anyways. obviously.

the point is im not mad at myself for having traits that im annoyed i still have. and the point of saying that is that i’m annoyed when i can’t assert myself ever over things that aren’t even really “assertions,” aka like i have some idea someone’s necessarily going to be against it at all. it’s just part of me biting back things i have to say, and feeling like even saying something like “i want to do x” might be dangerous, or is always an imposition. knowing this difficulty, i’ll sometimes try to plan for hours in advance to casually be like, ok i’ll say this simple sentence if the chance comes up. and then the chance comes up, and i hesitate, and hesitating makes it harder not to continue hesitating, and then anyways it’ll be too late and not a big deal but disappointing. or sometimes its a bigger deal. smh! cant say what i wanna do ever. unless its like hour 36 of not having slept and i get some confidence in the form of not caring. thats all alcohol does for me btw, is make it like im sleep deprived. except really i have to be actually sleep deprived for the moments of not caring as much.

another thing that annoys me a bit is when i reflexively will react to any casual interaction—especially if i’m not comfortable w them and may have to see them repeated, which happens often enough—as something i have to get through w/o causing any friction or drawing attention to myself. its just that even if someone annoys me and i dont wanna talk to them i’ll still try to fake a passable amount of pleasant casualness and just joke around a bit until its over. this isnt really a bad thing, its just unnecessary and tiring, and another way i feel like i cant be myself around other ppl. if i wanna be silent and unsocial, or talk and engage, i should be able to do either.

anyways. its all about Me at least getting to be as me as i can. and not necessarily needing to be by myself to feel like i can be myself. in a lot of ways i try to get around anxieties and things by being a bit defensive and angry, as a bit of a Hack. dont get me started on how anger is a source of power and a gift instead of Always Bad :( because that is a whole other essay. i could sit there and say it in a minute, but writing a lot like this takes a lot of time. i have to decide that a lot of things just aren’t worth it.

[starrbomb]

For your langst prompt thing, maybe Lance actually having major depressive disorder and starting to crumble under it. The team starts to notice and confront him. Then as a group they try to help him through it. It's not very original, I know...

honey, it doesnt matter if it’s not very original, its something that you want to see and that is all the reason i ever need to write for you. and as for this prompt, this actually hits quite close to home ( since i myself also have clinical depression and went years without proper treatment) so if you yourself are dealing with this, you aren’t alone darlings.

__________________________________________If anyone ever asked lance when all of it started he could never really pin point it to an exact cause or time in his life.

it’s just always been there.

thinking back on it now, he would say that the excessive amount of anxiety has been with him since first grade. a knot that formed in his stomach and wouldn’t go away, a knot that just seemed to weigh him down and make every movement forward feel like the wrong thing. something in his head telling him that going to school was a bad thing; that something bad was going to happen if he went to school. but when he tried to explain it to his parents, they just told him that it was probbly just a stomachache, that everything was fine.

but that unnamable knot came back every time he got ready to go out somewhere, or whenever he had to do something that he didn’t believe he would succeed in. it always came back and made things seem impossible to do alone; that if he tried something wrong would happen and it would be all his fault.

but he learned how to deal with it; albiet not in the best way, but it was better than being trapped in his own heartrate and short breaths. sometimes he could ignore the feeling, push through it to do mundane things like homework and chores. other times, all he could do to stop an anxiety attack was to just avoid the subject all together.

the depression came into play around high school; making friends was hard and the bullying for his accent and where he came from was even harder, it didnt help that he was pretty much the baby of the family; all of his siblings had already graduated back in cuba so there was no one to keep an eye out for him at school and struggling with both understanding the lessons he was given and the complex language barrier that he still had between himself and everyone else at the school, it all took its toll on him. whenever he came back from school, he woould go straight to his room and collapse on his bed, wishing for sleep to just take him away from all the hateful words and mocking he got from his ‘classmates’ day in and day out. he barely ate, even when it was his mother’s cooking that wafted into his room. he just couldn’t gather the motivation to go out of his room and be apart of the world. not while his bed was so safe and warm and judgement free.

it was after Lance had missed three school days in a row like this that his mother and father had realized just how bad things were for lance. they took him to a psychiatrist to see what was wrong and what they needed to do to get their old Lance back.

and thats when he was diagnosed with major clinical depressive disorder.

his doctors immediately had him start taking anti depressents and anti anxiety medication; switching between this one and that one before they finally found one that worked with him and his body. it was slow going at first, and many times it felt like it wasn’t doing anything at all, but then one day lance was doing his usual chores and realized that it didnt take as much energy as before to do it, he wasn’t wrestling with himself to get things done as much as he used to. he actually felt somewhat…..normal. he felt light.

Lance always made sure to keep some of his AD and AA on him at all times, just in case he had to rush to his classes or accidentally forgot to take them. he didn’t expect to be thrown out into space with just a handful of his medication on him and no one actually knowing about his mental problems. he didn’t expect to be blown up, destroying what little remained of his medications, protecting the one man who could have made him more of them if he had known about them.

but now, here he was in the middle of space with nothing left of his medication, and all he could do was hope that now that he knew what it was like to actually feel happy and carefree and……normal, he wouldn’t be as effected by the sudden stop of his meds. he knew it would take a few days for the medication to completely work out of his system so he took the short amount of time left that he had of feeling normal to make ways for hijm to try and find that normalcy again without the help of his meds.

but soon enough, the dark feelings came back. it was slow at first; taking longer to get ready for training, loosing the energy to go all out during sparring sessions. Lance could tell that the others were picking up on his weird behavior, how he didn’t really contribute to conversations anymore and that he even stopped flirting with the princess. it was as if they were watching their blue paladin slowly die right in front of their eyes; and they had no idea as to why. they all became so worried about their friend that they all met together during one of Lance’s now usual naps.

“ I’m sao worried, what if he’s planning on leaving? what if he just disappears in the middle of the night? what if- what if-” Hunk stammers out, tears threatening to spill as he works himself farther and farther into an anxiety attack. thankfully Pidge takes a hold of his hand and makes him sit down on the sunken couch and does her best to calm him down, “ Hunk, its okay. Lance would never just up and leave us. you know that he still loves us and even if he is acting like this, he cares about us too much to ever just leave……right?” Hunk isnt sure if she was trying to goad him into agreeing or if she was trying to find the answer to calm down her own worries about their friend, but he nods anyways, taking a look back up to his friends as a way of saying that he’s okay.

“maybe it is a bug that has number three acting so out of sorts; like the stomach one that number five got just a few weeks ago!” Coran suggested, getting a few spare chuckles out of Hunk and Shiro. “ while that is a good theory Coran, im not sure that’s what going on with Lance. it doesn’t seem like he’s sick with anything; it’s like the life is being sucked right out of him.” Shiro states, getting a gasp from Allura. all eyes turn to her as she whispers “ What if this is Haggard’s and Zarkon’s doing? what if they are actually draining the life right out of him.” everyone seem to pale at the thought of it, Shiro unconciously gripping the forearm of his artifical limb.

the tense moment is quickly intrupted as Lance runs into the room, sweat staining his undershirt and a terrified look of desperation painting his face.

“Lance?!”

many of the occupants in the room standing as Lance seems to heave a sigh of relief and almost collapses in the doorway, heaving in breath after breath as if he has been running for hours. Thankfully, Coran was close by and caught him from completely falling and helped him slwoly down to the floor, the others immediately rushing to his side.“Lance?”“are you okay?”“what’s wrong?”“are you hurt?”

everyone asking question on top of question at once, not sure what to do to help and yet wanting to do anything to try. once it seemed like lance somewhat caught his breath, he chokes out “sorry- sorry I-” Shiro takes hold of Lance’s hands, getting him to look at him. and Shiro was surprised to see such a sad and scared look in his eyes. “ Lance, you did nothing wrong. you just scared us a little. can you tell us what got you so panicked?” Lance doesn’t seem eager to share, but he manages to squick out “ it’s just me being stupid.” Pidge is the one to speak up this time, squirming her way to being face to face with Lance “ Lance, you aren’t stupid. trust me, I’m the smartest one around and i’m telling you the truth: you. are. not. stupid.” Lance can’t help but let out a breathy chuckle. “ but this part of me is.” Pidge puffs up with irriation and is obviously ready to speak up again, when Lance beats her to it “ i know, i know im not stupid, but this part of my brain makes me think stupid things” lance starts out strong, trying calm down the others, but the more he talks the quieter and timid he becomes, baiting everyone to barely breath so that they can hear every word, “ I thought that it was really quiet and then my anxiety kinda took over and made me start thinking that you all had just left me and that you didn’t care about me and i know that’s stupid; i know that you guys would never do that to me but i couldn’t stop thinking like that and i was getting scared that the stupid voice inside my head was right so i started looking for you guys and i didn’t find you guys anywhere and that just kept feeding my anxiety more and more and that just fueled the depression and i started running everywhere looking for you guys and i’m sorry, I know i’m ranting and stuff but it was just like before back home and i thought i had better control of it but I-” Lance is immediately cut off by Pidge throwing herself into his lap, knocking him out of his spiralling thoughts and back to his surroundings and noticed that all of his friends were on the brink or already crying, he can feel the small wet patch on his undershirt from where Pidge has buried her head into his stomach, clinging to him as if that would be enough to hold him together. man, he really was falling apart at the seams, huh? he thought he had it under control, but instead it caused him to go back into that dark and negative head space all over again.

“lance? do- do you honestly believe that we would-” keith whispers out, not even having enough strength to finish the sentence

“no! no, i know you guys would never abandon me! its just my anxiety and depression making me think stupid things that i know aren’t true and yet it makes things feel like they are. that’s why i said that that part of me is stupid.” Lance stammers out, clutching to Shiro’s hand and Pidge as he explains. “ it’s just been so hard to keep my anxiety and depression under control since i lost my meds.”

“then why didn’t you tell us that you were struggling and needed medinical help? you know we wouldn’t have judged you for needing help.” Keith counters, his sadness and betrayal leeching into his words.

Lance looked down at the ground at the words, knowing that they were true, even if Shiro was getting on Keith for being angery at him because of something that Lance couldn’t control. “i-” he whispers, catching everyone’s attention once again, “ i thought that you guys wouldn’t understand, or that you wouldn’t care. i know that it was just those dark thoughts spreading lies in my head, but they can be really persuasive when they want to be.”

Shiro looks back towards Lance’s hunched over form, unconciously protecting him from the outside world and the ominious what ifs that seem more like mountains to him than the mole hills they truly are.

“Lance….” shiro waits until Lance finally looks up, a look on his face as though he’s bracing for the worst. “ I’m glad that you shared this with us, it must have been really hard to talk about this. im proud of you.”

it was with those words that Lance felt like he was able to take a full breath again. they didn’t hate him for hiding this from them; they weren’t going to leave him. and for the first time in weeks, Lance felt like everything was going to be okay, even if its just for a little bit. and that’s all he could ask for in that moment. everything was going to work itself out.

[rookiewithachance]

ok you know what this is getting its own post so tumblr doesnt delete half my tags and therefor half the shit i have to say about this like it did with the first version of this post

personal shit below the cut—nothing bad or graphic or triggering (unless you count minor gender dysphoria and parents not getting it...) just me ranting about my parents and the gender identity crisis im going through right now.... so read at your own discretion 

i knOW that this isn’t like a special or new issue.... this shit happens to lots of people, where they’re going through gender identity crises or what have you, and when they talk to their parents about it the parents just don’t fuckin get it. they’re not even like angry about it they just actively don’t understand, and they do it in a semi harmful way.

but listen okay l i s t e n

if i have to listen to my mom say “but why do you need to label it, why can’t you just be you” one more time im gonna mcfuckin lose it ok

she means well i know she does and she and my dad are from a very different time where labels were considered Bad but listen ma, i love you but a) why does what i choose to call myself bother you so damn much especially when you can see that im upset about it when i brought it up, and b) this??? IS me being myself????? that is exACTLY WHAT’S HAPPENING RN im trying!! to figure out who or what myself is!!! but thank you!!!!! for adding to my doubt and feeding the voice in my head that tells me that i’m just making shit up and that i’m taking away from the people who are actually going through gender stuff and that im just overthinking myself..................... because lowkey it feels like thats what im doing. and i know i kNOW that that’s probably not true because that’s exactly what i did with mental illness and boom would you look at that, and my mental health is probably affecting this as well, but...... mER

i dont even know if i can CALL this gender dysphoria... idk like that phrase carries such weight to me and this doesnt feel like its... at that level?? i dont feel like i was born into the wrong body or that i need to transition in any way bc to me my genitals dont have to define my gender. like look ok fuckin listen i have a fuckin vulva and a vagina and mammaries’r’w/e and shit but that doesnt have to mean im a girl. i dont need a dick to be masculine, just like i dont have to have a vulva to be feminine. which side tangent why do i even care masculinity and femininity are both social constructs and are complete bullshit in my opinion so whY DOES THIS EVEN MATTER TO ME??? @my brain what the actual fuck why are you like this

anyways

its not even like.... being referred to as female is what bothers me. i don’t mind she/her pronouns, i dont really care about what pronouns people use for me, but it’s just................. when someone uses female-coded or even male-coded language in reference towards me. things that started as gendered but became more neutral like dude or babe and other shit dont bother me its just...... like listen every time one of my parents calls me baby girl it lowkey actually makes me want to cry, and i dont know why i just feel so shitty being called that

i also just sometimes.... feel more masculine or more feminine than other times and wanna present differently. like im considering looking into getting a binder because i really feel like that would help with the presentation stuff but also!!! theres that doubt again!!!!! ahahahahaha silly kelli ur not trans binders arent For You and if you buy them that’s appropriation or something, either way its bad and you should feel shitty for considering it :)

is this like................ idk, is this genderfluid???? is that what this is??????? idk idk ive just been saying gender nonconforming bc that covers the gist of it and lets me sort my shit out without the pressure of needing to “””stay true””” to whatever label or thing i use..... again, another irrational anxiety but h e y thats me for ya

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is getting long but heres the thing: i love my parents. i really fucking do. they have their shortcomings of course because being the perfect parent is literally impossible, but all in all im pretty fortunate to have such loving parents. but theyre just. theyre a lot right now. i get it okay i do, they miss me and theyre going through separation stuff and they feel like theyre losing me or whatever but like...... i dont........ want to video chat every night, like we did my freshman year. i needed that then, and what i need now is...... space. some space to figure out how to be a singular entity doing shit for myself and having time to be alone with my thoughts yknow. my mental health is in the goddamn sewers and i havent been sleeping as well as i should be and im feeling overwhelmed with schoolwork and clubs and then of course all this gender stuff started happening :) so yeah sorry if im not very talkative when you chat with me every single night. i dont have much to talk about, and the stuff you guys talk about???? sorry but.... i dont really care. its shitty to say but i just. i dont. i love you guys but i have better shit to be doing than talking about who you saw in the coffeeshop this morning or what happened at work

and see, normally i would talk to them about this. but i just... dont think that would do anyone any good. they wont understand it, and then when i explain it theyre just gonna feel dumb, and theyre gonna forget and slip up and never remember and then just go around feeling guilty about it without ever changing their language...... and their guilt is gonna make me feel like shit too. so whats even the point of telling them about it?? of getting them to actually sit down and listen instead of bringing it up in the middle of sobbing my way through my woes and my parents asking me well meant but upsetting questions and then moving on as if nothing happened 

sigh........... idk. thats about it i guess. congrats if you got this far, im sending you digital hugs. words of support are of course appreciated but not at all necessary, i aint fishin for anything im just here to lay it all out in one place. hopefully i get some of all this mess sorted out. if i had more money id just go ahead and buy a binder but im a bit strapped for cash. not broke per se but i have very limited funds and those have to carry me through the entire semester, so....... trying not to make any unnecessary purchases and my brain refuses to justify a binder as something worth the money.......... which again, is probably not true, but.... we’ll see.

much love to you all, im gonna head to bed and try to sleep cause i got class in the morning and i still havent finished the readings ;3

[theechoofadistanttide-blog]

Feeling like I’m having a nervous breakdown

Hey guys so ok this is gonna be a very long post ‘cause I’m having a nervous breakdown and I dont think I can keep going like this.

From where do I start? 

I’m listening to “Fuck you” so probably I should start by speaking about Federico. Federico was my ex boyfriend and we were together for about 4 months (you may think it’s not so much time but for me it is). So you know how we broke up? No? Well, me neither. I was just getting very annoyed by his attitude and he gradually stopped asking me to hang out. So one day I called him and he didnt answer. After that day we didnt see each other anymore. That sucks right? No it doesn’t because I am a fucking strange person that can’t prove normal feelings.

I just let it go. That’s the end. And when I see him around the city with his friends, I’m only able to complain about them being all FUCKBOYS! 

I FUCKING HATE FUCKBOYS 

You wanna know where my hate comes from? All the guys I meet in this fucking city (which is making me wanna throw up so bad) anyway, all the guys just wanna fuck me and I’m fucking fed up! I deserve love and emotions and all those beautiful stuff that you get when someone CARES. I feel like no one cares, so why should I?

I went on a therapy till december, then I had to stop taking ZOLOFT ‘cause it was giving me more anxiety. So I started another therapy. On my own. I started building self-confidence. And now I seriously believe that I’m worthy and that I am unique and that no one can put me down. I SERIOUSLY believe that I’m an amazing creature with all the right stuff in the right place. So where’s the point?

The point is that I’m fed up of being forced to separate sex from emotional commitment: SEX IS EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT, YOU STUPID HYPOCRITES, IF YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON IS LIKE YOU’RE MASTURBATING WITH A DOLL YA KNOW.

But that’s not the end of my relationships’story: ever since I lost virginity I only ended up with guys who wanted to have sex without using fucking condoms. That’s thei point of view: OK YOU KNOW GIRL YOU’RE AMAZING BUT I CANT TAKE ON COMMITMENT CAUSE I’VE LOVED TOO MUCH IN MY LIFE SO JUST LET’S HAVING SEX! AH BUT SWEETIE I DONT USE CONDOMS: I CANT FEEL YOUR VAGINA, YA KNOW. BUT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT: I CAN CONTROL MYSELF!

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOURSELF! NOBODY CAN! Your fucking penis produces seminal stuff even BEFORE and DURING sex!

What about getting sick??????????? Syphilides? HIV??? FUCK YOU ALL!

This year I had to take 3 (THREE) day-after-pills... Which is like killing your uterus.... I was stupid but what else could I do? Ya... maybe being more conscious and force them to use condoms... But you know, when you fucking hate yourself you don’t care much about future and consequences... You’re just not able to think critically. You do the bad things, you choose bad. 

All I thought about ever since a while was being high...

So now we get to another big point of this overwhelming situation: PARENTS... Ya it seems like I got the perfect family: mum’s lawyer, dad’s a doctor... What could be wrong with ita? Just another bored girl complaining about not getting enough attention. NO

I mean, I’m aware of the fact that my life is not SERIOUSLY bad, but anyways: my parents are divorced, my dad is still a fuckboy. He got used to living alone so he does whatever he wanna do, he goes wherever and whenever, without caring about two daughters’ real problems. What if my mum wants to leave for a weekend and leave my little sister with him? She couldnt because “HE’S GOT PROGRAMS”. FUCK I GOT A PROGRAM TOO: I WANNA GETAWAY FROM HERE RIGHT NOW!

Anyway there we get to the other big problem: MY MUM... She’s been developping anorexia’s mentality since a couple ago, she doesn’t eat (like 1 coffee and half of a zucchini during all day, when she gets really depressed)... Oh, depression... Ya, a single mum with two problematic daughters, a private career (which is falling into pieces) and other shitty problems CAN GET DEPRESSION. It’s easy, though... But the bigger matter is that she denies it and she gets worse everyday ‘cause her situation gets worse (my grandma is sick, one of my mum’s best friends got cancer and she cant sleep because of worrying too much)... And when I told my father, he said I was wrong after she immediately denied.

Ah, my little sister gets mad with me when I tell my mother to eat. She’s like: “stop telling her what to do she’s an adult, she can take care of herself”

FUCK NO SHE CANT STOP SAYING THAT! SHE’D DIE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS! SHE SUFFERS OF HEART RATING PROBLEMS! IF SHE DOESNT EAT AND KEEP GOING THIS HARD ON THINGS SHE WILL DIE! FUCK YOU STUPID TEENAGE GIRL

So I’m under pressure. I’M UNDER PRESSURE OK! MY MOM IS NOT ABLE TO GROW MY SISTER UP LIKE SHE DID WITH ME! SHE DOESN’T GET ANY RULE! I DON’T GET ANY RULE! Ok I’m 18 so I can understand when it’s time to stop a little back but SHE CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHEN IT’S TIME TO TIDY UP HER BEDROOM! She never does it cause nobody tells her! Nobody ever told her! And that’s a stupid example.

Ok, so I’m 18 right? And I got no rules ok? Yeah... cool... I can avoid sleeping, eating and going back home and living properly... I got sick for a week this summer and had to stop smoking.. But then I got better and kept smoking and drinking. Yeah maybe it’s not because I got no rules but because I like it and because it’s the only way to have fun and enjoy your time out in this fucking deserted city full of fucking bastards.

Maybe smoking and drinking arent an issue apparently. But what about taking care? That’s the issue. Here nobody teaches you how to take care of yourself.

So I feel like falling down... And it’s a fucking fast fall. And I get fucking blamed for this.

“You don’t help enough. You’re never happy. Everything someone does for you is shit. You always blame others for your faults. Don’t you think that maybe I’m so tired and depressed because of you, do you? You make me worry so much.”

That’s what my mom keeps repeating. And I keep feeling terribly guilty. For what? For being an adolescent and for having my mother tired to death... I’ve always paid attention to other’s feelings and conditions... I can’t help with this.

I CAN’T HELP WITH THIS OK. STOP. SAYING. THAT I AM. A. FUCKING. MESS. ! Cause you know what, mother? I’M NOT! I’M SUPER COOL AND I NEVER DISAPPOINTED YOU! I WAS PERFECT AT SCHOOL, I GOT THE BEST GRADES IN MY CLASS AND EVERY FUCKING TEACHER COMPLIMENTED! WHAT DO YOU WANT? I’M ONLY 18 AND I’VE ALREADY WRITTEN A COUPLE OF BOOKS! I GOT PLANS FOR MY FUTURE!

SO WHAT? I’M DEPRESSED? I SMOKE? I DRINK? I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY BALANCED? I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. NEVER.

IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE CONSTANTLY SAD AND TIRED! ! IT’S NOT MY FAULT.... 

(My mother doesn’t eat at all when I don’t want to eat... I can’t help with this... Sometimes I just cant think about eating...)

AND FUCK YOU NEVER APPRECIATE MY GOOD MOMENTS AND PERIODS! Like when I’m on top, when I feel like I can do everything.... You never get that.... FUCK YOU!

So being in this fragile situation gives me a lot of stress and anxiety... Luckily I finished school so now I can focus on things I like (and even there, when I wanna do things that I like, there are always problems)..

FUCK THIS CITY FUCK PEOPLE WHO LIVE HERE FUCK MONEY PROBLEMS FUCK FAMILY FUCK MUM FUCK EVERYBODY I WANNA SET YOU ALL AND MY FUCKING LIFE ON FIRE 

So you’re reading a lot of anger in my words.. Your’re right, but anger is the only true feeling for me... Sometime I imagine really bad things (like tonight I started thinking about me being raped by my ex’s friends... with my ex being there knowing everything) just to check whether I’m still able to feel sorrow or not.

I often imagined my parents dying... Just for curiosity.. So I think about my feelings: how would I feel? How much would I cry? Would I cry??? What about my sister??

And sometimes I can’t answer, like if there was absolutely nothing in my soul...Just darkness and perdition.

I know it sounds so stupid and pathetic but that’s how I currently truly feel.

Lost.

I used to be really sensitive and cry for everything but then I stopped. Now I am just disgusted. DISGUSTED.. By humanity, first of all.

Lost and disgusted: is there any remedy? 

Maybe being high and drunk all tha way. 

I fucking hate this place and wanna go away.. Still have to wait for october for university... but actually I just wanna getaway.

The most important thing for me is living a pleasant life and never regret anything.... This city and this situation and the people surrounding me are making me regret a lot. They are making me live with anxiety etc..

SPLEEN. ok? Maybe spleen is my problem.... That’s all.

Fuck. Thank you guys for reading 

I just want to let you know that if you read all this you’re my super-heroes. 

Thanks, seriously

xx

theechoofadistanttide