#and ill usually have an hour or so in the evening to do more but it depends on my energy level
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PARTY CANDLES ! – prod. filomiya
characters – mualani , kinich , xilonen , citlali , mavuika ( takes place after the 5.3 aq !! )
THEM , when its your birthday ( bullet headcanons based on their birthday messages )
notes : ITS MY BIRTHDAY CHAT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT 6th january wowowowo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is very self indulgent if you cant tell but i might do a fontaine version of this later if i feel like it or continue with the other natlan characters or mayb. with vbs WHATEVER ill see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! might be ooc plz correct me if theyre ooc .. . . . . . .. . . .. . . . . . . .
MUALANI
planned her surprise one week in advance.
but how could she not? shes your partner, afterall! and never expect the least from mualani, she will ALWAYS do the most!!
booked the best restaurant for you, making sure most of the dishes would be liked by both you and the guests. also threw in a few of your favourite desserts, but she kept insisting on making those herself along with the cake… where does she find the time!?
you had the party take place from noon to night, living it to the fullest, next to her ( and the other guests i GUESS. ) but the inevitable happened – exhaustion. on your part, atleast. mualani still had a surprise in store for you. and what is better than a reserved hot spring for the both of you after so much activity?
this was a much more relaxed way to celebrate the afterparty, but a little time between you two doesnt hurt anyone! she’d end the day with a kiss, and a content ‘happy birthday.’
KINICH
he had planned two surprises total. not more, not less.
after the usual small talk he’d ensue, kinich would remind ajaw of the conversation they had hours prior. thankfully, you were one of the humans the almighty dragon liked, so it didnt take long for him to give in.
turning into his actual dragon form ( and holding back some complaints ), you and your partner hopped onto his back for a sky stroll across the landscapes of natlan. it was filled with casual chatting, ajaw occasionally joining.
while you expected to be brought back to the place you were before, the dragon instead dropped you two off on a high, secluded cliff with the best view to the stadium. laid there was a picnic blanket, and you almost called kinich a sap.
truly, one of the best people you couldve spent your birthday with.
XILONEN
you thought youd get special treatment? well, you thought well.
usually, she’d get her friends actual useful gifts ( allegedly, in her eyes ) like a set of tools, or something for their hobbies, because in what situation could sappy presents be functional? if you prefer sentimental value over functional things, be her guest!
but you were her fully fledged partner. no WAY she could gift you JUST tools.
being the blacksmith of the children of the echoes, she has access to some of the best stones out there. you bet she’d search all about birthstones and use yours into making some of the most refined jewelry. i could see her also do a bouquet of handi-picked flowers on your preferred colours. paper wrapping included!!
all of that combined with a reservation to the restaurant youve been gushing about… if that isnt special treatment, then what is?
CITLALI
at her age, she wouldnt have thought she would find someone, let alone friends, or someone like you!
so she didnt bat an eye to gift giving, mostly. occasionally, for whenever it was one of her people’s birthday, she’d offer the usual gift card or blessings. but with you in the picture now, she doesnt know what to do!!
her first thought was to give you some volumes from her light novels collection, which she did proceed with, but she had to think of a plan B. no way she could turn to her grandson, for all he’d have to offer is his finest pick of vegetables…
and before she knew it, your birthday came. so all she had to offer were the novels. it was so underwhelming in her eyes… but thank god you reassured her than even only drinking with her was enough.
MAVUIKA
for her, small and thoughtful gifts are always the go-to.
something motivational, that you can look back to and reminisce about – but you didnt expect her to gift you a small notebook. correction, actually – a small album. it was filled with photos you took through your time together, and letters she poured her feelings into.
it was obvious it took her sweet time to put it together, probably did it during her time off as an occupation. if you asked her about it, you wouldve found out your guess wasnt far off. instead, you thanked her in her own way – whether it be words, physical affection or acts of service (on your own birthday tho..??)
another thing mavuika would offer is a delightful night stroll with her motorbike. cliche x2, i know, but not before serving some of the best cake she had baked for you! dont ask her where or how, or do, do whatever you want…. (xilonens house.)
just hold onto her if she decides to pick the speed up as a way to wake you from your daydreams.
filomiya : any acts of plagiarism of my works are strictly prohibited. credits to the divider creators.
#written : surpassed angelic#genshin impact#genshin#genshin x reader#mualani x reader#mualani#kinich x reader#kinich#xilonen x reader#xilonen#citlali x reader#citlali#mavuika x reader#mavuika
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Sometimes i'm surprised that there's adults in the whump comunity, so, as one of the pillarse of whump art in this platform, how do you manage to keep posting so much content about torturing fictional characters while having an adult Life with adult things to do without someone you know IRL finding your Tumblr and thinking you're a serial killer? /pos
so one big help is that no one I know irl is aware of tumblr's existence (or if they are, they don't have accounts)
A decent chunk of people know I make gore art, and I've show some of them my pieces, but they're usually just like "hehe blood" and don't question it
I'm not overly worried about anyone finding my Tumblr, 'cause I'm not active enough on any other social media for people to go looking lol. If someone asks what I'm working on, I often just give a vague description of Riot Kings (because when am I not working on that?) and it's usually good enough to satisfy their curiosity. (I also have plenty of non-whump art to show folks who ask me what I'm drawing ahaha)
#people are less likely to be pushy about stuff if you give a vague answer than if you clam up entirely (this is true for multiple things)#i appreciate that you think im a pillar 😂❤️❤️#as for the amount i post#i don't usually get huge chunks of a project done at once unless its a weekend#so on weekdays ill write/draw literally one line at a time and chip away at it lolol#and ill usually have an hour or so in the evening to do more but it depends on my energy level#most weeks i draw riot kings in between sets at the gym#anon#calico is befuddled
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daigo-gets-trolled kinda fuckin panel
#snap sketches#sorry ignore me#im looking at all the comics i drafted this month and deciding which ones i wanna finish and which ones get sent to hell#and this panel of daigo still makes me chortle.. maybe ill finish this one idk#i just dnt wanna color it uuUUGHGGHGH WHY DO I COLOR THINGS NOW#whyyy doi draw so much thisshit lame as hell#ok im gonna go look at em again and decide which one to work on during stream tomorrow#cause lbr im not finishing any of em on stream LMAOOOO#i was gonna stream tonight but. is anyone even awake.#i mean yeah LOL but i feel low energy#so im gonna be more boring than usual#plus my only plans are to finish sketching some stuff for a comic ill Probably work on tomorrow#so itd be a real short stream since i only have like one or two things left to sketch#anyway. good night ill see Some of yall tomorrow :]#OH YEAH NO NIGORI FOR ME the liquor store closed half an hour early... and after my phone died and i got lost for a hot minute#so mean so cruel :( at least i got a cute kuromi pen from the ebisu store :) which i forgot i lived by until i saw it on my map :)#IM SO MAD THO I WAS SO TIRED I DIDNT REALIZE I HAD MONEY FR A KIRBY GACHA CAPSULE :(((((( maybe next month...#ok im rambling now BYE
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse
... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one
#i (ai)#ocd#vent cw#I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great#like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable#that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell#I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part#....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great#during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now#and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit#my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid#that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio#some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month#I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao#...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once#now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about#how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck#that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc#anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao
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refraining from drawing now to force myself to play through the genshin event until im done, so i can freely browse through my dashboard/tl/ao3/tumblr inbox/my fridge again without untagged spoilers
#its not a boring event at all like last update with the stupid cards its just i rlly dont have mood/energy rn to play more than an hour#bc theres sm art i wanna do#but considering that ppl spoiled me in my inbox just recently and that i cant even safely go through ao3 either#and that now my dashboard is full with untagged spoilers and i dont wanna unfollow and refollow my mutuals i dont have a choice but#seat my ass and play until i can MOVE again omg#usually i always was up to date bc i always played in a normal pace to keep up but this is the first time im so#behind and have to avoid spoilers left and right this is the most tiring stuff ever honestly#i always tag my (new archon quest when update etc) spoilers and leaks but this just makes me wanna tag it harder LMFAO#babbles#tbd#anw i might turn quiet for however long ill take save for the random babble about my progress i guess#unless i get weak and DO start sketching bc smth inspired me mid game but lets just hope ill stay strong and dont fall to my urges
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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if you have no idea what im talking about, these are the intros im referencing!! i still have several lined up for posting (namely the main antag and the eternal three) and a Very Long List of other intros to eventually do for the series, but i want to know what y'all would like to see once the current backlog is posted!!
#braindumps.txt#poll#i ask because the intros are like. clearly not doing so well as art on their own#which i get - theres a lot of reading for some of them#i honestly might go back and add readmores after the basics sections so theyre less Chunky for the average reader#but i worked hard on the art (and still am) so id like to find a way to share it without the attached stuff#or some way to set it up so that more people can see and appreciate it#idk i dont usually get in the weeds about notes or feedback i just. idk man i spent 15 hours on lakias portrait and more people voted#for her to be posted first than even acknowledged her at all. so#(ive also just in general been having a rough time the last few days so who knows maybe ill delete this and all the tags later)
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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when will my writing motivation return from the war 😭
#please i just wanna post the next chapter#or at the very least start a oneshot or do literally anything#ive been more tired than usual and i dont like that#im ALWAYS so so tired#sometimes YEAH its because im up til 3 or even 4#but ive also slept 9 hours. 12 hours. and yet ill STILL feel so tired#im too tired to do the things i want to do#and then i feel like ive just wasted my whole day :(((#how many times these past few weeks have i said im gonna get this chapter done huh? and it is NOT done#i love creating and writing but it takes so much energy sometimes :((( and i just dont have it :(((#i feel bad/down -> writing would help me feel better -> too tired/unmotivated to write -> doesnt write -> keeps feeling bad#rinse and repeat lmao#sometimes being nice to urself and waiting for the motivation doesnt work#sometimes u gotta sit at ur desk with a massive mug of coffee and say ''i will WRITE if its the last thing i fucking do''#screw quality its time to write WORDS#anyway. im making myself coffee rn. i will get through this dammit#summer post
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funny update a couple of months later for People Who Want to Know: i dont have the car that got me into this Incredibly Minor Accident anymore. while after the accident, i did have to get the brakes serviced (wow, they were faulty, who knew!), it proceeded to have Several More Issues, such as: the transmission being fucked up and Trouble With Turns. i still drove it regardless because i needed that shit to get to college but eventually the radiator fan stopped working on it (where it would start overheating if the car wasn't moving (if the car was moving then air could still blow over the engine, cooling it down)) and My Mother deemed it too dangerous to drive. RIP to the shitty 2012 jeep liberty hand-me-down with 200k miles that led to the creation of the Kim Moment(TM).
need to share an experience i had 30 minutes ago
(edit: thanks to @walks-the-ages for providing and reminding me to put alt text, sorry it slips my mind alot lol)
#also i have not had any Kim Moments since. SAD!#very funny to me all the people with systems relating w/ this. unfortunately my brain likes to play with characters like dolls and it will#do this to me sometimes. shoutout to the times when someone would text something to me and then id envision what one of my OCs would respon#with in my head. adhd hyperfixation moment if i can be quite honest.#also i never got a follow up from the other guy that i got into the accident with so im assuming his car is okay. thumbsup emoji#and i havent been in any accidents since so erm... w for me!#(i have only been driving this new car for like 5 days and im Nervous. and ill be driving it more than my old car because im Getting Job#soon.... ough)#i remember the day that My Mother decided the car was too unsafe to drive very clearly. because it happened recently.#for some context: i live 30 minutes away from one of the campuses of my college. but the campus i need to actually attend (because it's the#campus with all of the IT shit at it woo network admin) is a full on hour away and also located inside a big city. thankfully the campus i#live near has a service that sends a bus between those two campuses so i can drive to that campus#and then get on the bus for the remaining 30 mins it takes to get there#now imagine you're me. because of fears developed by having Childhood ADHD i am very afraid of being late for ANYTHING. because i need to#rely on the bus schedule between the two campuses#every day i make sure to leave at least 30 mins earlier than i realistically could. this is both because if i dont i'll be Late To Being#Early but also despite my route not going across any major roads#i live in Suburban Bumfuck Town and the two-lane roads i use to travel are the exclusive lifelines to the rest of Everywhere Fucking Else#so they have a tendency to get backed up when backups happen in Everywhere Fucking Else (could specify more but i dont wanna doxx myself :p#cue The Day. i am Driving to College. i already have some knowledge that my car seems to have some trouble with cooling itself down#but i'm not sure what the cause is or how big of a problem it is yet. unbeknownst to me an Accident has occured on one of the major routes#in my area. as I'm approaching to be about 10 mins away from the campus i start to see evidence of The Traffic because of this.#while being just a dinky two-lane road this shit is practically bumper-to-bumper. moving at a snail's pace#and i imagine it's likely because people are being jackasses about merging onto this road from the people who have had their route#unexpectedly diverted because of the accident.#so im sitting there in the traffic. the car is not moving or it is moving very slowly across short distances.#DING! goes the car. ah crap the engine temp is starting to get high... maybe being stopped is what causes it i think to myself#so now i am Slightly Worried. the car has Dinged. and i might even be Late to School because of the traffic. but surely the cars gonna be#fine driving me the rest of the way right?#advance forward in time about like 5 minutes. i have moved forward but not much. i am near the gas station i usually refill at en route
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genuinly dont think ive ever met anyone else more obsessed with the sound of their own voice than myself
#this blog is all the evidence you need#and itll literally be the most boring pointless meaningless things but if its me talking about it ill do it for hours#maybe i should be a writer huh#only problem is of course just cause im obsessed with the sound of my voice doesnt mean anyone else is#hmm maybe a public speaker then so they cant escape#if a drink a couple of litres of coffee pled a vodka or so then maybe id even be able to pull it off#or a uni lecturer maybe#reminds me like when its a class at uni i actuallly have something to say in or just find interesting#then ill always be wanting to contribute even if someone elses speaking and i have literally nothing valuable to add at all#and then sometimes ill put my hand up and start saying something and realise i have absolutely nothing worthwile saying in a university#setting and ill look like an idiot and be horribly embarrassed#surprising enough i put my hand up at all since usually i can barely speak but drinking coffee makes me want to more#and the seminar setting is less awkward cause youre meant to so its not like going up to someone who almost definitely wants nothing to do#with me or something and like even if someone talks to me i usually cant think in the moment and say something so stupid#or such a stupid variant of nothing at all that that person never bothers to speak to me again#and this isnt just me being dramatic or anything i mean this completely literally i have empirical evidence of this happening almost#every time#i mean yeah no one talks to me cause i dont make the effort but i literally cant bbecause my brain and other people are literally#incapable of e isting in the same room at the same time#and the only way of fixing this us by speaking to more people til i get used to it and the only way of doing that id to be capable of#speaking to people in the first place which i cant do#stupid bloody checkmate unsolvable paradox
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oooooh i am deeply unhappy actually
#hate my job#hate my apartment#hate the town im in#really really hate my job#trying to get a new apartment seems so unobtainable#there’s so many fees and credit checks and my renewal is in a month and i can’t find a new one so i guess im extending for another year#stuck in this hellhole#I can try to get a shorter lease but it’s like $150 more per month and if I still can’t find anything within that time im doubly fucked#genuinely just want to fade away into dust im sick of living like this#i feel sick and stupid 90% of the time#i finally got to take a vacation away from here and couldn’t even enjoy it because i got sick#and things were not planned well#and my partner bailed on all the events I wanted to do w them#and i get back to the apartment a mess and just feel so defeated#and i get back to work and we still have fucking mice everywhere#and no one’s done planos or price changes or ANYTHING i usually do#so im trying to catch up on two weeks worth of stuff. while also trying to prepare for truck tomorrow because no one sent the battery#pallet out so now we have two of them. and a taller than me pallet of core returns all unwrapped#and im having to come in every Sunday when I was promised those off#which is the only day we are able to do a dnd/group chat hangout and i always end up being the reason it gets delayed and i just Know ppl#be frustrated with me#im just tired and sick of this life#i don’t even know how you’re supposed to do jobs for so long without driving off a bridge#im still not even hitting the 40 hours i was promised and yet im losing my mind genuinely#i am stupid all the time. i forget basic things. I have to have people retell me things twice before they click#I wasn’t always like this. like something is WRONG and my doctor (who is quitting) is like#we’ll have you practiced mindfulness and meditation#yeah. ill get right on that#RAAAgggh I hate it here im cryin at work like a LOSER
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trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH
#not even at actual sad bits i just lose my mind watching ppl w chemistry act romantically on screen#when its well done and it feels intimate..... taking poison damage ouuuuurggh. -1hp -1hp -1hp ow... -1hp#god i fucking miss kissing ppl i miss physical intimacy its hard to breathe watching this. in a good way but also oww. ouch!!!!#i am so normal and well adjusted i promise. come here#i wish i didnt react the way i do sometimes to physical contact theres no reason i dont understand why it happens#like i wish it was easy for me and came naturally bc i always want it so so badly. but the fucking flinch where does that come from#and it makes everyone treat me like glass and avoid me bc they think i dont like it or just tolerate it i promise im not lying come back#its so so so frustrating and i find it so hard to watch other ppl being affectionate its like looking directly at thr sun#and i know im so obvious around other ppl when i get upset bc theyll touch and avoid me and then i get upset if they do touch me bc they#only do it when they feel bad for leaving me out ppl only ever hug me when they feel sorry for me do u know how shit that makes me feel#i just want ppl to want me around and in their space bc thats what i want but is it too much.to ask ���🥹🥹🥹#its easier when i warm up to ppl but it just takes so long and its so rare for anyone to believe me by that point the boundaries are set#im like a little feral kitten i need to be physically socialised before i get adopted#this isnt even making sense anymore im so tired my mind is all over the placr. sloshing on the floor. anyway ummmm#i cant keep being like this forever man#not even talking abt sex but thats a whole other thing. wouldnt it be nice to fuck without fitting the stone top role. i wouldnt know#all respect to ppl who are stone and all the ace ppl i know but im NOT i do want it i very much do experience the attraction!!!!#but for some reason my body wont let other ppl touch me it drives me fucking insane. i dont even have trauma like whatever man#didnt even use to be this bad i was such an affectionate kid n teen i wish i could go back man. man!!!#what a fucking decade of mental illness and repression does to a mf. forget all the other ways its affected me this is the worst by far#just the isolated n alienation innit. well it is what it is. maybe someday ill get it back#anyway sigh..... back to the movie.. i do like it so far its very pretty just different to my usual sort of film innit#considering i watched cure last weekend ajskdnf. the tonal difference#cure was a weird one but thr more i think abt it the more it sticks with me.... so good i need to watch more kurosawa#ANYWAY#.diaries#sorry for getting so personal on a saturday night.. im home alone for 24 hours and this is what happens
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my gift is being annoying, see, i can hate myself and be so horrendously anxious that i think trying to make being alive easier for myself is somehow offensive to others bc thats how so many people online act like literally any accomodations not made by the doctors that dont care abt you at all are somehow unnecessary and ‘fishing for attention’ to the point i ruin myself and destroy my body avoiding accomodations bc i dont want to ‘seem like a bad person’ for quite literally needing help. but give me a tv show and 30 seconds with new information and i will either give you the most thought provoking theory or the most wildcard theory ever and always be correct.
#even when im not#see i might have zero confidence in most things but when it comes to wild takes for shows and shit? i am more right than the writers#i am simply better than them they wish they had my brain#do i deal with more anxiety than anyone ever wished would even exist yes i actively corce myself into 6 anxiety attacks every hour by#leaving my house and force myself to anyways its not good its not healthy dont do that do as i say not as i do#but is my brain incredible at being wild? yes show writers wish they were me#imagine being as out there as me#i lay the easter eggs before i know theyre easter eggs and watch as ppl froth to find them and cry when they realize they were right there#bc i didnt know they were there either i connected them after the fact#flawlessly crossover shit that shouldn’t work? try me u cant do what i can#im dazzling fake it til u make it or whatever#im also accidentally hilarious and that should be feared my power is incredible#’brina wtf—‘ so funny thing the thing that spurred this one#was seeing multiple ppl of a fandom on DIFFERENT websites incorrectly use the word wh/itewash#bc apparently they dont understand that whitewa/shing is not ‘they made this character dumb when they arent!!!’ like#thats not what that means buddy that you cant use that on a white character forbeing a dumbass their whiteness wasnt affected#is there any correlation to my beign annoyed at that and my temporary confidence? i have no fucjibg idea man im mentally ill what do ya want#i need anxiety meds that dont cause depresso and depresso meds thatdonf causs anxiety#otherwise my sudden jumps of this and wanting implosions just keep flickering#anyways i dont usually do this bc i dont wanna be an asshole but skmetimes you see shir and its like#damn ive never been the smartest bitch in the room before but boy howdy is that a feeling im feeling#raiiot#i still cant believe it#’they whi/tewashed (white character that is white in every material)’s storyline she did this dumb thing based on feelings insteads of#slowly entering madness!!!!’ do we need a masterclass on how a WHITE character cannot be wh/itewashed#and also that their MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH are NOT aspects of that when. again. THEYRE WHITE#THATS NOT WHAT THAT M E A N S#whatever gen that is i i dont think its the zoomies idk if its mellis or the xers hut like whoever u are#for fucks sake man. for fucks sake#your misuse of that word is almost as bad as your takes
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