#and i get it bc both of us had bad experiences being neurodivergent in a shitty american suburbia town

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

saw ur vents abt dungeon meishi and while I haven’t read the series yet or watched the anime I have seen bits and pieces and already saw the blowup scene where Toshiro attacks Laois and like. even I with zero context didn’t totally hate him. It sucks majorly that it had to happen but like. Toshiro is going through his own shit and plenty of other characters ALSO don’t like Laois! I think people just see that scene and project the amount of times that’s happened to them with someone in real life, which like. I get it. I’m autistic and reading that scene hit like a gut punch bc it was something I had experienced directly in real life: trying to be friends with someone, thinking you are friends, only for them to reveal one day that they couldn’t stand you and hated your guts from day one. You wonder why the fuck they pretended and let you hurt even worse than outright initial rejection. You wonder why they’d put themselves through enduring you. It makes you feel like you can’t trust anyone, makes you feel like utter shit. I 100% get why it bothers people. But you can’t project real life people you experienced onto this character that does not align at all except for this one moment. Also knowing about the author, she probably put that in on purpose as commentary for how autistics in Japan generally have to go through shit like this bc of the way their social culture is. She’s made plenty of autistic commentaries before, I doubt she stuck that scene in there for no good reason. The fact that Toshiro kept quiet and didn’t say anything until he couldn’t take it anymore is VERY indicative to me of the ways Japan’s typical social system is a struggle on all sides. Not to say these are problems unique to Japan, but the nuance needs to be understood. Toshiro isn’t being a dick just for the sake of it. I want to read it sometime so I can better understand the guy, but I don’t want to hate him based on one scene where he was an asshole. Laois is an asshole plenty of times himself, being very overtly written as autistic doesn’t absolve him from the responsibilities of being an adult.

TLDR: People tend to infantilize Laois and demonize Toshiro, which comes down to the prejudices preconceived for both of them: people see Laois, as an autistic man, as an innocent sweet guy who needs to be protected. They see Toshiro, as an Asian man, as someone who should be “polite and honorable” or whatever and are appalled when he acts like a fallible human being and not some appropriation of a fictional romanticized samurai. I understand feeling betrayed and angry seeing a character be a genuine asshole about something (social expectation does not completely absolve Toshiro of his own antagonizations however much of a reason he had) but when it’s so damn one sided, and especially in a series where almost NO one is without complete asshole qualities that round them out, I find it kind of gross that people hate on him for that. Anyway. Just wanted to send a message of support and understanding. Hopefully after I read more I can offer more analysis to corroborate with you on.

100% CORRECT thank you anon

i also understand the people who are sympathizing with laios bc that scene is very easy to relate to for many autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people (i also got a cold sweat when i was watching it bc. like. having someone you thought was a friend straight up tell you there are parts of your behavior that they can't stand is one of the worst things to experience of all time, ESPECIALLY if you were only showing that behavior around them bc you thought they were your friend and you trusted them) but it's so frustrating seeing so many people have such shallow opinions about toshiro bc of it. im on hands and knees begging people to consider the characters in three dimensions and/or develop better reading comprehension because like!! toshiro's official meeting with laios's new group literally leads with 'oh his name is actually toshiro and we never knew bc our leader had a misunderstanding and microaggressed him and he was too polite to correct him' laios is not an innocent party here!! he is not an innocent uwu autistic baby he's a grown adult man with responsibilities, in that whole time he was partied with toshiro he never learned his real name!! plus using toshiro's crush on falin as a reason to hate him, falin's adolescence was spent in a school and a social setting where she was expected to mask + her being a girl also means she is expected to mask by default -> she is better at masking than laios so why are people saying that toshiro hates laios for the same traits in falin bc clearly not?? also saw one person saying 'he only likes falin because she's hot' NO HE DOES NOT HE WOULD NOT RISK HIS LIFE HEALTH AND RETAINERS IN A DUNGEON ON A FOREIGN CONTINENT FOR THE SAKE OF A WOMAN HE ONLY THOUGHT WAS SEXY!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DUNMESHI FANS THINK WITH YOUR BRAAIN

the whole fight he had with laios where laios points out that their party is more serious about finding falin and resolving everything also drives me nuts because i've seen at least one take saying that toshiro doesn't care about falin as much as team laios because of this. which yes the fact that team laios understands the importance of health in pursuit of a goal is very very important but for many cases in east asian culture (and actually any culture with emphasis on capitalism and economic growth) productivity will get valued above all else which leads to neglect of personal health, i.e: what toshiro was doing. so this is just a clown take to begin with

also interesting to me that almost every character in dunmeshi thus far has demonstrated some kind of racial bias/misconceptions (i.e: chilchuck about elves, senshi about half-foots, etcetera etcetera) and laios and falin are no exception. race and racial differences and conflict and coexistence is also one of the underlying themes in dungeon meshi, with the elves of the west being considered a major issue to many dungeon-goers and the mayor hating dwarves and having to contend with those elves, and then marcille's motive for studying black magic and even thistle's motive for being the dungeon keeper. so it's real fucking ironic that the fans are really quick and happy to demote toshiro to 'asshole side character who is bullying our autistic rep' instead of, you know, using nuance and thinking about it

tldr; dungeon meshi has great commentary on what it's like as an autistic person in society. but dungeon meshi fans are too quick to write off toshiro as an asshole japanese guy who is ableist and getting in the way of their white woman yuri, therefore helping to promote this website's enduring legacy as the piss-poor reading comprehension website

[wachi-delectrico]

Gonna get spicy for a second and say that everyone loves spewing hate about narcissistic (NPD) parents and how awful parents with personality disorders are, but if someone were to make a post with the exact same cadence about ADHD parents they'd get shot in public at first sight

[starrixle]

simpbur headcanon dump ♡

a bunch of random headcanons for simpbur that i thought of !! (all under the cut because there is a lot...)

his birthday is december 11 and his height is 5'4 (this is actually canon but im including it anyways)

he goes by he/they/she (in order of preference). he's genderfluid, but more masc aligned. he is also bisexual and horribly closeted (the closet is as clear as glass)

he is neurodivergent, he also suffers from lots of anxiety. he is very anti-social

he and liliana (the e-girl) were both just not great for each other. it was not just simp being toxic to the e girl, but she was toxic to him as well to a certain extent. she isnt a bad person, and neither was simpbur, they were just a pair that wouldnt work out

part of the reason why simpbur is so insecure abt himself is bc liliana tends to be a judgemental person. she has standards that simp didnt meet, and that made him go into the mindset of changing himself to suit what she liked. however, this failed and they ended up breaking things off instead

his breakup with liliana destroyed simpbur's mental health, especially with him being a very fragile person to begin with. this is where his obsession began due to still having a very strong attachment with what he once had with her, along with having extreme jealousy over the thought of her being successful in life with someone other than him

his favorite vape flavor is bubblegum. he would smoke cigarettes, but he doesn't like the smell, and he just prefers vapes

he is horrible with being responsible with his money. even though he struggles to pay rent and works a minimum wage job, he usually spends his money on games and anime stuff

types with stuff like uwu, owo, :3, :<, XD, ^_^, (*≧з≦), etc.

used to live with his mom, but now he lives in a tiny apartment on his own. it's not very well kept or clean, and he often just throws his junk around everywhere since he never has the energy to clean the place up. the only place he bothers (kinda) decorating is his bedroom

cries over small things easily, like when he gets a paper cut, stubs his toe, when his food order is wrong, etc.

can't handle spicy foods whatsoever

he has a shoe box full of random stuff he stole from liliana, such as pens she used, her clothes, trash, hair, etc.

kicks ass at competitive games, such as first person shooter games. he is a chronically online gamer and he lowkey acts toxic sometimes while gaming

he sometimes just goes "gg :3" in the chat whenever he manages to dominate the game. he doesnt like using vc bc he doesnt really like his voice, so he usually sticks to typing, esp bc hes a pretty fast typer (100+ wpm)

he collects a ton of anime figures. usually leaves things in their packaging. he cringed whenever liliana took them out of the packaging, since she didn't understand why he left them in the box instead of taking them out

he blasts music at full volume, especially while gaming. he listens to a lot of vocaloid, breakcore, krushclub, hyperpop, indie rock, etc.

his diet consists of fast food, take out, ramen, microwaved food, soda, snacks, anything that's unhealthy

he usually hides his figure with thick, oversized clothing

he doesn't usually express his style much outside in public, but he likes experimenting a lot with outfits at home, especially ones that aren't typically masculine

he's secretly a furry and has a fursona. he usually acts as if he thinks furries or cringe, but he would have anon alt accounts where he'd look at furries online and talk about how cute they are

his feelings towards his body changes depending on his mood. although he doesn't completely mind being assigned amab, he does wish he looked more feminine, or at the very least androgynous

at a certain point in his life, he denied his femininity and attempted to retain a super masculine appearance and personality. it didn't make him happy, instead it made him more insecure

coming to terms with being not cishet was extremely difficult. he was in denial that he was bisexual, and even more in denial he wasn't a cisgender man. altho he's grown to slowly be more comfortable with his identity, he's still struggling to accept himself

he switches from being masculine and feminine a lot. other times he simply just does not want to be perceived and would avoid people

he loves the idea of romance and intimacy, but the actual act of doing romantic/intimate things freaks him out. he craves for love, but he's terrified to act on it, especially with his last relationship with liliana failing

he posts rants/vents about his thoughts anonymously online on places like reddit

he grew to be good at stalking, even learning strategies to keep himself hidden or quiet, along with learning how to unlock windows or doors. he thought he was insane for doing it at first, but he's grown more used to it being a routine

his eyes are actually dark brown. i just draw them pink because it's just an artistic choice i like in his design

he has sharp canine teeth

he says "im gonna kms :3" and makes all kinds of self-deprecating jokes very often

he often writes random songs in his diary and sings to himself/plays guitar in his room. it's very comforting for him, as its a form of coping

even tho he dislikes his voice, he's very good at singing (insert the entirety of the e-girl trilogy here)

if i ever come up with more headcanons i will make another post as a part 2 !! this guy is constantly living rent free in my mind 24/7 i am so perfectly sane about simpbur i swear. completely. 100%. *eye twitching*

[mors-neptune]

707 / Luciel / Saeyoung Choi Headcanons I Have

‼️⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️‼️

• Has ADHD but if anyone brings it up he brushes it off because he thinks it makes him lesser. He’s not ableist he just needs to be educated :(

• I know in the official art he’s pretty pale but I hc him as having tanner skin and some freckles

• Has an undiagnosed personality disorder probably

• Too paranoid to go to church in person so he made a personal shrine in his home that he makes sure to spend time at

• Hates seeing his father on TV because it reminds him how similar they look. He’ll go into a weeks long depression every time where he’ll avoid mirrors because all he sees is his mother and father

• Loves cross dressing but is too scared to think deeply and self reflect about the gender euphoria it gives him because Korea isn’t very accepting

• Hated college because he felt like it was too structured and he doesn’t like being told what to do

• His favorite color is red (obviously)

• Doesn’t want or have any tattoos

• Most of the decor in his house was handmade impulsively and placed somewhere random

• Ultimately wants to move out of the bunker and into a more realistic house with no sci-fi-like doorbells or weapons but his paranoia stops him

• Sometimes stays up till the morning watching security cams in and around the bunker out of fear someone will try and hurt Saeran or MC

• Loves the dopamine hit that buying new cars gives him. It’s almost addicting impulse buying expensive things

• Desperately needs someone to match his neurodivergentness and thankfully his twin brother does perfectly

• His glasses are constantly dirty he never cleans those mfs

• Likes to paint his nails black but it’s always cracked and messed up

• Him and Saeran made up a secret language that they refuse to teach anyone else, even MC

• Welded flowers and spray painted them for him and MC’s anniversary (Saeran told him which flowers to make bc he knows their meanings)

• MC’s engagement ring is a Ruby (to represent Saeyoung) and whatever stone is MC’s favorite swirling together to look like a binary star system

• We know in his route that he has muscles because of his work, but after he runs from the agency, MC noticed some of his bulkiness going away

• But he still keeps a lot of his muscle, he just has some more squishiness around his torso

• Regrets his bunker not having windows because he knows Saeran loves looking at the sky

• Builds a garden in his backyard for Saeran :)

• Too paranoid to get a therapist so one of his more toxic traits is using MC as a therapist

• Goes through periods of not sharing anything emotionally with MC & sharing way too much and borderline dumping all his shit on them

• Has bad abandonment issues

• Loves experimenting with makeup and showing Saeran and MC

• Has both an inferiority and superiority complex

• Owns an obsessive amount of stuffed animals and yes, they all have names

• Idk if this is canon or not but he has curly hair

• I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this already but I hc him as bisexual (he literally mentioned at some point that V’s voice was his type)

• And since it’s basically canon he at least finds V attractive and V is more of a parental/guardian figure to him, I can conclude Saeyoung 100% has daddy issues (duh)

• Has had feelings for Vanderwood at some point

• Horrible at personal hygiene

• Doesn’t drink or do drugs (canon)

• He’s a compulsive liar :/

• Wants a cat but is so bad at taking care of himself he doesn’t trust himself taking care of an animal

• Has staff constellation, and planet stickers & posters all over his room (he’s a nerd)

• Learns sign language so when he’s mad at MC or Saeran he only communicates through sign to piss them off

• Wayyyyyyy too comfy invading people’s personal and cyber privacy because of his line of work

• Lactose intolerant because I think it’s funny

• Light sleeper because of the house he grew up in and his work at the agency

• Kind of apathetic to traumatic things other people go through if it wasn’t as “bad” as his. Not in a “I think I’m better than you” kind of way, but in a way where some issues just don’t compare to an abusive, alcoholic mother, a politician father who wants to kill him, being a secret agent made to do who knows what, and more.

• Catches up on childhood by indulging in childish hobbies and interests. He’s making up for the lost time :(

• His tummy always hurts from his horrible diet

• His cologne smells like apple spice (it’s actually a perfume for women but who cares)

• But tbh on the daily he smells like a mix of his basic masculine body wash, honey buddah chips, and grease (sorry)

• Very protective. Takes on a caretaker role for those closest to him

• Sometimes very controlling. Gets anxious when he can’t control everything around him.

• Acts very parental towards Saeran. He always did because he had to in their childhood, but Saeyoing still does it. It makes him feel good being able to properly provide for Saeran.

• He mentioned in his route that he never really wanted or thought about having a family other than Saeran, and I feel like he would still think the same after meeting MC. Just now he thinks of his family as just him, Saeran, and MC. I don’t think he’d want kids

• Literally never cleans his sheets…

• Can only convince himself to clean anything in his house because he doesn’t want Saeran to have to live in filth again

My first post. I just wanted to share these :)

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Hellooo I am in desperate need of Delta angst and I remember you saying that we could ramble about hc's we had so here I go :D

He has severe PTSD/survivor's guilt, and due to this he has intense nightmares, resulting in him never wanting to sleep. Obviously this isn't healthy for them, but they can't help it entirely.

And due to not sleeping very much out of fear, after 3 days he begins to hallucinate (the human body can go 3 full days without any kind of sleep before it begins to have a psychological and mental/emotional impact on them).

Their hallucinations probably revolve around their PTSD/survivor's guilt, but also the fear of not being able to protect his friends currently, which can lead to strong delusions and maybe even panic/anxiety attacks, overthinking, and body dysmorphia.

(I also hc that because Sans and Beta are sharing a combined body, sometimes they forget what they look like now, which can very easily cause imposter syndrome/another identity crisis, dissociation, and intense anxiety, though they will never admit it.)

It will also make him much more mentally and emotionally unstable, which might lead to him snapping at people over small things.

(I also hc that he has ADHD, and usually with ADHD comes sensory issues - from my own experience, at least - so he would be having much more sensory issues than normal, which might make him more irritable and aggressive depending on what the sensory issue revolves around)

As you have said, he's not the type to ask for help when in pain, but I feel like this would very quickly grab Color and Epic's attention and they'd help whether he likes it or not. Which I think would eventually end in fluff bc they'd be able to finally comfort and calm Delta down (and he might finally feel safe enough to sleep).

(And if we're rolling with the hc that he has a therapy dog, Zorox would probably alert Delta multiple times that he needs sleep. If Delta is having a panic/anxiety attack or flashbacks, Zorox would work on grounding them to bring them back to reality, and try to make them take a break. But when Delta refuses, Zorox immediately snitches to Color and Epic and have them help Delta.)

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that these are all completely real and canon because I say so.

I honestly love the idea of Delta having ADHD, I feel it’s fitting in the way ADHD Killer calls to me and Autistic Color does. They should all be neurodivergent buddies, it’s pretty common for neurodivergent divergent folks to flock together, even before they know that they or eachother are. I feel like Cross is Autistic too and Epic is maybe AuDHD (same as Killer maybe??)

And I can imagine that both Delta and Beta have severe body issues, same as Killer does, and probably avoids looking in mirrors on particularly bad days because it just severely confuses and distresses them. Especially on days when they’re particularly blurry or “co con,” having doing a double take when catching sight of what they assume is their reflection in the mirror. Like, is that supposed to be me—us? It’s so strange seeing parts of yourself looking back from another’s face, even weirder when a hand moves without your permission to touch at the face in equal bewilderment.

I also like to think that Delta’s the type to enjoy deep pressure, so Epic and Color often cuddle and squeeze him tightly, or Zorox will lay on his lap/chest to apply pressure. And it’s pretty easy for Delta to fall asleep like that, similar to way Color gets drowsy when he’s warm and Killer when feeling soft and fuzzy sensations like his fluffy hood or a fluffy blanket.

Epic and Color definitely look into buying him the best deep pressure blanket as soon as possible.

[alexxncl]

obey me hcs (mainly the brothers)

masterlist | more drabbles/hcs | pt 2

keep in mind my mc is black lol

slight nsfw warning ?? it's just asmo shape-shifting

also this is so long i apologize

first and foremost, SIMEON AND DIA AFROLATINO KINGS

the two of them and mams always help mc with wash day

barbatos also does bc he helps dia with his hair and will silk press the FUCK out your hair

mams can do locs and helped the angels in the celestial realm who had them with their retwists and detox

mc convinced him to start a business on the side bc they could tell how much he loved doing their hair

beel loves kids and they love him, he's a jungle gym

levi used to (and still does) go mute when he's overwhelmed, luci and mammon taught themselves sign language in case they need to communicate with him

luci was ridiculously overprotective of the brothers when they fell, but the longer they stayed in the devildom, it was less obvious bc his pride didn't allow him to show those emotions outright

asmo can change his genitalia at will depending on his partner's needs/desires

all the brothers are some sort of neurodivergent, and so is (my) mc

this is kinda canon but all of them are queer and luci is the only cis one out of all the brothers

mc helped them become more comfortable with stimming both in the main tl and in nb bc they do it a lot themself

mams, barbatos, and luci are the best to go to when your anxiety gets bad bc they all have it and know how to handle it best/take your mind off of it

idk if this is canon or not but luci advocated for a hybrid-like rad so levi would be able to take some of his classes virtual when his anxiety gets too bad

mc has touched everyone's tails/wings out of pure curiosity once everyone was comfortable enough around them

mams always carries around crow food and birds are almost always following him around bc of it

luci and dia fucked before the fall.

mc started singing wade in the water whenever luci made them do shit and now mams does it too

mc rarely left their room after the lesson 16 incident and everyone but belphie checked up on them

lucifer forbade him from going anywhere near them but he still tried to at least see if they were ok

lucifer is *almost* physically incapable of apologizing bc of his sin

mams rarely uses his powers to their fullest extent, he did it once not too long after they fell and vowed to never do it again out of fear of hurting the people he cared about

satan's powers are equally fueled by wrath and grief

satan was with lucifer from his creation, god didn't wanna make both of them bc he knew satan would be the catalyst for a war

asmo and solomon almost dated but asmo pushed himself away bc he's scared of committment

levi had to physically hold mammon back from *seriously* hurting belphie after the lesson 16 incident

solomon is lilith's son

solomon is actually a decent cook when he doesnt try to experiment...but he always tries to experiment

magic can't even fix whatever he makes when he cooks

simeon can't see for shit but never wears his glasses

beel had and still has a lot of body image issues, his gluttony worsened them and he works out nonstop to cope

belphie listens to white noise on the rare occasion of him not being able to sleep

simeon would've fallen with luci if he found out what was happening and had more time to think, part of the reason why he was so ok with being demoted

dia wanted to be the closest to belphie when they first fell bc of their shared interest in humans and was hurt when belphie was standoffish

luke will be one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful, angels in history

i feel like he was a human and he died when he was really young and became an angel after

mephisto is a kpop stan and ults stayc

he compensates for his low self esteem and jealousy of luci and dia's friendship with the newspaper position

he also has a crush on both of them but wont admit it to himself

raph scolded the brothers so much bc they were his favorites, he didn't want them getting caught by god

felt guilty for letting the brothers fall alone, but not nearly as guilty as simeon

thirteen is a lesbian and i love her and we're married <333333

she hates solomon bc he was one of her assignments and she failed bc he's immortal

familial issues bc of the failure, she's the baby of the family but was still outcast

mc taught mams how to play spades and he's terrible at it

i'm so sorry 😭

[void-thegod]

I've experienced many forms of oppression.

Being treated differently by white folks.

Being treated differently by brown folks.

Being treated differently by men, by women, by queer people.

Being treated differently by abled and neurotypical folks.

I'm treated differently for being male.

That's not 100% my fault.

I'm treated differently for being a trans male.

That's not 100% my fault.

People will literally side eye me or not get into a relationship with me bc I'm trans.

We've all experienced that, if we were unfortunate.

I've heard cis and queer women of color talk Hella shit about cisgender men.

Real bad. Almost as bad as the shit I've heard from men about women.

These perceptions -- both of them -- affect how I'm perceived. By those I want to be friends or romantic partners with.

Stack on the fact I'm brown, neurodivergent af, and conventionally attractive.. I've had A TIME.

SO: Imagine how I feel ... this aspect of my oppression and experiences being denied by my own community?

By others, period?

People who would easily accept that I face all the other forms of oppression and fucked up experiences bc of something I can't help..

Denying that I experience fucked up stuff for being a man and a trans man, at that?

I am one of those trans guys that "always knew"

I grew up as a butch/stud lesbian. Basically as soon as I could say what I wanted to wear. So.. elementary school.

And I SAW.

I saw how everyone was treated differently. Based on skin color. Perceived attractiveness or intelligence. Based on body type. Based on sex and gender. Based on whether they were normal or not.

And I experienced all that shit.

Am still experiencing it.

What do I get?

What do I get for knowing myself and staring into the fucking Abyss?

Ignored. Hassled. Called a narcissist.

Because I've seen what I've seen and I'm speaking on it.

It's not right.

Trans men experience so much shit.

You don't see us. You don't hear us.

And when we disappear you don't give a fuck.

PS: if you read this far and still have the gall to say some stupid monkey shit to me I will just block you. I'm done.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i think the problem with the fam is theyre too obedient. theyre such goody two shoes the hope is that it'd rub off right? on the doctor. but it doesnt bc she hides her badness and they wont question her. okay they'll question her "what happened to never do weapons" "why dont you ever share anything with us" but they wont push back when she says nah ah we dont talk about that. and thats her problem. she wont talk about that. or that. or that. or that. or any of it

i think if you put a limit on their patience. theyre understanding but not forever (i mean theyre even understanding after her "death". "she knew she was gonna do something that might kill her" "she wanted us to live"). watch them grow more annoyed as they call out hypocrisies and less and less willing to accept bullshit answers. it would put a lot of movement in the dynamic i think

like okay, taking yaz out of the equation bc shes not a companion shes a doctor, just considering ryan and graham for now: ryan is young and like, being formed, which is part of his arc, but he also already has a lot of like really life- and worldview-shaping experiences right? black, disabled, unable to count on most of the guardians in his life. those things profoundly shape how you stand in the world, how you approach and are approached

and okay lets put yaz back in for a sec because shes really interesting to like put next to ryan and see like what happens there. because she and ryan share both being racialised and being neurodivergent, if you want to call it that (if depression counts. personally i think depression is more of a like regular human reaction to life than "divergence" from the "typical" so to say, but then i also think the secret underlying reason she was bullied and thus depressed was the autism. so it cancels out for me. but like thats sort of weaving in and out the text. and depression also is something very different from dyspraxia. BUT these are both things about them that like have been Underlined for us the audience, same as the conversation behind the bins in rosa, so i think im justified in putting these two things together as comparison. okay tangent over)

ryan and yaz both have had experiences of not being able to count on the people around them, for various reasons but all the same. it would be fairly understandable i think for ryan to be sort of like, fuck adults fuck people who have authority over me based on nothing. whereas yaz,,,,becomes the authority

RYAN: Yeah, see? It's not like Rosa Parks wipes out racism from the world forever. Otherwise, how come I get stopped way more by the police than my white mates? YASMIN: Oi, not this police.

and you could really have put them like,,not opposite per se but like clashing in some way over this. not clashing like in fighting necessarily, though yes as in conflict. clashing as in different ideals, different conclusions drawn from similar experiences

yaz says to do good in the world i must have the power of the state. which also implies the power of the state can be good and is meant to be good. ryan i can easily imagine having been someone who no authority was worth counting on so fuck them all. that wouldve been a reaaally interesting tension to see play out throughout s11 and s12 i think

and thats just two of them. we've got a team of four. imagine both of their reactions to the doctor. we dont have to imagine with yaz, but ryan couldve been more like well whos she. you know? why are we listening to her? what just because she says so? let her prove herself first.

and then theres graham who has like half a lifetime of experience of Being A Human on them, who isnt in the coming of age phase anymore, who must have a lot of his own worldview, ideas, politics. we see like, a tiny bit of that with like edison or whatever but how does that play with a Time LordTM?

like theres a lot of interesting ways to pair up and to clash them! 13 and yaz with suicidal ideation, 13 and ryan on the dad thing, 13 and graham on survivors guilt. 13 and yaz vs ryan and graham on authority and law. ryan vs graham and 13 on guardians. ryan and yaz vs 13 and graham on being racialised. 13 and yaz vs ryan and graham on sexism. this couldve been a wildly dynamic team i think. if only you'd let them fight! if only you'd let them have their own opinions and Speak Them. this would put like so much schwung in like,, every plot, every episode

because it's all there! right? it's all already there, just look at the episode list of s11, it's all there, racism, sexism, workers, colonialism, big fucking spiders i dont know! wait thats a worker one again let me revise big fucking spiders capitalism! it's all there, you just gotta make it a bit dialectical. have them argue their sides and disobey and have 13 be like herding cats

imagine the way this would have challenged the doctor and the doctor's politics, then to follow it up with s12 "gallifrey is not what we think it is. we are not what we think we are"

and then revolution of the daleks, ryan and graham gone, and in that episode the police was very obviously like sided with the daleks and the capitalist and that politician right? the police was the fascists. hi, yasmin, how are you. oh, crazy? right, good, the doctor is too.

yaz and 13, now alone, ten months between revolution and flux, time to grapple with what it means to be both victim and agent of an empire. do we accept that? do we refuse that role? how do we refuse that role? how do we be good? what does it mean to be good if police clearly isnt it? how do we take off the uniforms. what moral framework do we build and then commit to, and hold each other accountable to, as copilots of this operation. what do we want to do in the universe. what is our impact. what do we want to avoid doing. how do we do that.

had the doctor said "i was in prison for being me" to yaz, imagine how that would have shaken up her ideas about prisons and how and why people might be in them. might have started her thinking. but then we're back to where i started this post before i totally lost control of it: The Doctor Doesnt Talk About That. and if the fam had been slightly more disobedient in s11, maybe in revolution there would have been place for it

[catmonsterscupcakes]

i haven’t been here in a while. life feels really weird and everything keeps changing. i have an internship for my major even after i graduated. i start in 2 weeks. I know ive been constantly scared of growing up and getting older since i was a child, but ever since i turned 21 during the pandemic its gotten worse. every year i mentally countdown the months until my birthday and it’s exhausting; its always like “ x months until im x age and never this young again”. ive just always been so scared of getting older, esp bc im a woman, and society hates older women. i think because im black, gay, a woman, and neurodivergent i feel as if youth is the only privilege i have, and with each passing hour its being stripped from me. i’m really scared. i’m really scared of turning 25 because thats the big number. it’s the number ppl use in online discourse abt adults in fandoms and how they shouldn’t be there anymore. it’s when ur not considered early 20’s anymore, it’s when u only have 5 years left til ur 30 and ur not allowed to make mistakes. i’m so scared. and i’ve never even dated before bc im still in the closet, and i can’t come out bc both sides of my family are super religious and will hate me. i’ve known ive like girls for 10 years and never had a teenage romance, or a college romance bc i went to college in my hometown and it was too risky. im not even particularly good at anything, i love art but im bad at time management and get discouraged easily so i haven’t reached my full potential. i could’ve been so good if i kept practicing. i basically coasted through school and i could’ve done so much better. if i hadn’t been so depressed during high school i could’ve actually gotten into a school outside my hometown or state and gone there. i’ve lived in the same place my whole life and im bored. if i did better in college maybe id have a shot at grad school or atleast more options. but now i have an internship, a full time one, for the entire summer. and then after that i have to find more work, and then more work, and then i’ll work until i die. and i’ll never have any fun youthful college experiences or teenage experiences to look back on. i lost my teens to mental illness, and i lost my early 20’s to the pandemic and then worse mental illness. i wish the pandemic never happened, i had just started at a 4 year college at 20, and was doing good and then it hit, and i got worse. this was really long, and no one will probably read this. but i had to let it out. i feel like no one in my life gets me. i’ve been so mentally ill for so long that everyone is numb to it. and i don’t even feel comfortable with my therapist bc ive had her since i was 15 and i have to eventually find a new one bc she specializes in adolescents and im her oldest client. i’m even too old for my therapist now.

[ruusattukoira]

energy leeching(probably not in the way you think), social anhedonia with lack of interest, neurodivergent way of living with social people who are also neurodivergent and your friends. it's a long post btw.

i'm possibly being seen as a bad friend, but i know most of my friends that i've known and have put in the effort of being my friend know i ultimately care about them but they also know i lack certain things and i'm still very much learning. most if not all my friends are also neurodivergent and we share some experiences, however social anhedonia sometimes feels like an experience i've been going through completely alone and how it affects me and possibly the people around me. it affects me most of the time during free time and sometimes in school, of course in school in the way of working in pairs or group projects and i often opt out on doing things by myself if there is not someone i have already clicked and tolerate enough to ask to work in pair with me and after the first time i kind of assume that hey they're alright with working in a pair so i don't have to ask again and to this time it's been so.

mm.. messages are a struggle but that's a shared experience with lots of neurodivergent people, even with some neurotypicals. but to me it's a struggle with continuing after mustering it up to message the person bc i know they're waiting for an answer but some times ive done it on purpose so i can just hear the validation of "yeah it's alright i undertsand", "dw about it" and more to that kind. although this feels like i'm using the person to feel validated on a struggle sometimes, but it feels justified because most of the time i do literally forget i've messaged someone and already gotten an anser back or i've fallen asleep and woken up never remembing to check my phone again before it's been well over eight hours. it just sometimes starts to feel like a chore or something alike, especially when i'm doing it during my free time like it's not mandatory and i would so much just rather keep away. i'm not personally interested in hanging out with my friends out of school, it's just not something i properly enjoy.

not to talk about it feeling like it doens't matter at all, they know i'm their friend still, they know i care. at least i hope they do, because i truly do, i just find it meaningless to say so because my way of caring is not in the words. i do things to show i care instead. sometimes it strikes me so odd when i'm forced into a discussion or just plain old convo when my friend spots me on a hallway or the road when both of us are going home bc school ended or going to school bc it's about to start. my friend, the social introvert that i've been talking about who basically adopted me and taught me about boundaries has a way of showing her care by words.

Especially on words of affermition. and it sometimes strikes me a bit odd, because i've never really enjoyed getting praised on something that i see as meaningless everyday thing. Exception is, when it's from the people that i actually search that praise from exclusively giving me praise on something i'm actually very passionate about such as drawing, but turn an event negative and any praise that comes afterwards will feel disgusting and pointless to give(happened during ninth grade class when i had a hard time sewing something and started crying because i failed so many times that i literally felt worthless in a deep level of failing on it and my teacher tried to praise me on little things afterwards during that class and i literally felt like asking her to stop because now it made me so deeply uncomfortable.).

on another experience of mine with this social butterfly friend is that she tends to yank me into convos weither i want to be in them or not. and the thing is i often think i show emotions on my face, when in truth i just stare at people in complete deadpan or with very very little almost unnoticable amount of emotion that they don't register to be there. so most of the time whether i am with her or someone else i will stand there with a deadpan expression and merely nod or hum bc i most of the time don't actually feel like speaking is important as long as my opinion isn't asked or there is no question in the sentence. Although being honest with you i do sometimes (feel like i) miss the question que and i have to ask them straight up if there is a question somewhere or if it was a legit question they were asking me and not a story they were reciting that had a rhetorical question.

i tend to avoid some of friends sometimes, and even the social butterfly that is my friend. since the social butterfly will literally pull me out to talk to me during end or start even just during school because she feels like it i kind of have no choice but to engage with them(although this person is very literal with boundaries and so, often asking if it's alright to come with you or if you want to be alone if you say you want to or will go out to get some air, she literally wouldn't even get mad at you for saying that you weren't currently interested in a convo bc of being tired lol). but i benefit of convo personally alot bc of her being very high energy so i don't mind because i often tend to leech off of that interaction because it makes a positive mark on my own energy. (as in i leech from her energy so ill be more energetic without making it a problem, it's subtle i don't think she realize it since they never avoid me lmao)

but this is not the whole case with my other friend that i see around school, he's i'd say more of a medium energy and i don't benefit much from speaking with him energy vice so i don't feel like speaking or interacting with him other than just either nodding a hi to him and walking past him after that because i'm not interested in talking to him. an exception is made if he starts the convo himself or the social butterfly is there with us, that's one of the only times i see mysef speaking with him in a full convo. (i speak more with him when it comes to words because we share some interests in marvel, spiderverse and ninjago to mention few that get us going in full on theorize this, headcanon that etc. unlike with the social butterfly if we aren't gushing about one of my classmate that ive got a possiböe aesthetic crush on, or gossiping about few of them bc some of them are old classmates of her and she wants to know if we're getting along etc or some shared interests in rpg and such.) i also tend to avoid people in school just because i'm never interested in talking to them at all, and even if i am i struggle to keep up with it before it goes away completely. i will literally just sit on my seat and stare at the wall ahead of me with the same never changing deadpan that warrants some glances from my teacher. apparently to my art teacher i seems solemn in expression while i have a resting bitch face when i'm completely neutral/deadpan looking lol.

is this shitty thing to do? yeah. do i care? no, not really.

oh also if you got to the end, i- congrats. literally this is a long ass post lol, you must have been bored af to read this.

[morimyth]

Hi. Disabled person here. No hate here, just adding some perspective, and OP I'm sorry in advance if this hits another nerve for you. I genuinely respect you and your opinion here, accessibility is something society needs a basic grip on in the most basic of ways before I believe we can see that same accessibility extended to other branches of disability, and I recognize this is a complex issue as like a whole, and it's very hard to come across in a genuine way here, but here goes nothing.

I only need physical mobility aides sometimes, and I need other accessibility aides that help me navigate public spaces, so I apologize if this doesn't seem compelling enough to believe, but there are plenty of buildings I can't access for various reasons, and all of them present invisibly unless I have one of these aides with me (I still sometimes push it bc of stigmas, and have had fainting/falls happen). My legs don't work well. I have chronic pain, chronic fatigue, weak joints, and frequent debilitating migraines (some of the flare ups are neurodivergent and some are physical). I have special earplugs I use, as well as UV protective prescription sunglasses, and a cane.

I have been harassed for using my cane as much as I have been harassed for needing my sound dampeners in public (they look like hearing aides) or my sunglasses indoors, due to the intense pain I experience. I have also been thrown down a flight of stairs before, by my own brother, due to a violent ableist reaction, bc he didn't believe I was "disabled enough" to need these things, and assumed I was lying. I dislocated my hip in this fall, at less than 30 years old, an injury I still struggle with getting treated to this day, for the same ableist reasons that are unfortunately being described here. Doctors assume I'm lying, because I'm otherwise "healthy" and it's not "bad enough" to run tests, but when they do, everything looks fine and they don't look deeper, etc. I'm still in the process of fighting to be seen and heard by professional long enough to receive a diagnosis, so the guy in the Best Buy asking me sarcastically if I "really need that stick" means little to me, and by extension it doesn't really matter to me if anyone on the internet calls me a liar either, I'm used to it, and imagine most folks that have had similar struggles might also feel similarly, but I don't want to assume.

One disabled person's case cannot the prototype of who deserves to have their needs met, and having a debilitating disability does not mean that all other disabilities on your shoulders to diagnose in others to deem them worthy of basic necessities. Having any blueprint of when someone stops "deserving" accessibility is the point at which the divisiveness helps the oppressor inextricably, who would much rather us both be dead in a ditch, even if one of us puts the other in it to do so. Disability validation isn't just for people who look like you, but you and I, and everyone who needs it should still be able to live in a world that can provide that accessibility regardless. Maybe we can eventually get to a point where that stigma and oppression goes away too.

Someone having a different experience from you does not mean they are automatically lying, and them wanting to say words that reach you does not necessarily mean those words are fabrications. I don't agree with how you we're approached OP, and I agree that anyone falsifying their experiences for sake of an internet argument is ridiculous at best and malicious at worst, but I genuinely believe that there's not a way thru this oppression to the other side of it that doesn't involve finding some sort of common ground of respect or of community somewhere in the equation. I recognize that not everyone wants that for themselves or agrees they want a part in it as well, and that's fine.

We can only make progress if we stop going for the throat of the person next to us, leaning into death threats when that person is (whether genuinely or not) trying to help bridge a gap of understanding, even if that may seem blind to your experience, that person is also suffering by the same ableist hands that are harming you. This stupid stigma causes all of us the same level of oppression that says "you don't deserve to show your face in this world, so don't go out in public or you're dead freak". That doesn't mean those with less physical disabilities are less deserving of care, nor that they're immune from logical fallacy, or blundering thru something badly for the right reasons.

Make all the death threats you want, really, if it helps you feel better about living in this hellscape of a society, do it. Goodness knows I've ripped throats like this myself, but genuinely, I know I can't convince anyone of anything, and can only speak from my experience in good faith, so I hope this perspective helps in some way.

I’m sick of “accessible” going from a word that meant “disabled people can physically access this space” to ablebodieds using it to describe their comfort levels and sensory needs. my brother in Christ we can’t even get through the FUCKING FRONT DOOR

[copperbadge]

This's slightly different but if that anon looks into the link between ADHD and digestion, I'd love to know if its also tied to appetite. A friend and I had similar experiences, our whole lives we've had appetites easily double/triple any of my other girl friends. We bonded over it initially lol. It's driven me bonkers bc neither of us have been overweight or had another medical explanation. When we both got (separately) diagnosed last year I started wondering if the ADHD was the explanation.

I haven't looked into ADHD's relationship to appetite, but I'm pretty sure I've done some reading that says people with ADHD do tend to crave carbs because they stimulate dopamine production. I can't say if that's accurate. I've definitely seen articles about how people with ADHD can eat more because they're bored, and/or forget to eat and then eat a BUNCH at once because they get super hungry, but I don't know how scientific that is. I'm certainly coming to realize that a lot of the cooking I do is to stave off weekend boredom, which explains why I don't always eat a lot of it before it goes bad.

You gotta be careful with information about any kind of neurodivergence and diet -- there are scammers and weird creepos who think you can cure symptoms with diet, but I'm finding that the world of ADHD online research is also just crammed full of quasi-medical nonsense. Trying to do any research of any kind on Adderall -- its effect on the body, whether or not tolerance exists if it's being used as a treatment and not as a party drug for neurotypicals, supplements that might interfere with it or enhance its effects -- just gets you a billion treatment centers with stupid names. Meanwhile, googling any kind of neurodivergence and anything to do with appetite or diet gets you mostly sketchy nutrition clinics.

Unlike most of what I've tried to learn independently in the past -- when I've wanted to become an armchair expert in coyotes, or study the history of millefiore glass or whatever, the signal-to-noise ratio for anything to do with neurodiversity is off the charts. There is SO much garbage out there, and there is very little middle ground between "This is evident bullshit" and "Oh I need an MD to understand this."

[metapianycist]

like with being autistic, i want to use identity first language for myself in relation to ADHD because it is inseparable from my experience of the world. stimulant meds are helpful in my life because they help me do what i want to do (like remember to eat!), not because they make me closer to being neurotypical. my goal of thriving wrt ADHD has nothing to do with how close to neurotypical i can get.

i had my first encounter with an online ADHD group whose rules forbid using the word "neurodivergent" bc "it's from the neurodiversity movement." they oppose the neurodiversity movement and the social model, and they believe both things mean forcing people to deny any struggles they have and just stagnate instead of using any coping strategies (e.g. using medication, learning skills or accessing accommodations to increase quality of life).

that's not unlike the distorted idea some prescriptivist trans ppl have about trans people who don't consider being trans to be an objectively negative experience but a neutral or positive identity descriptor. I've had such prescriptivists act like my distress about my chest—that made me dissociate and pretend it wasn't there for nearly a decade—was "not really that bad" because i had experiences in adulthood that enabled me to separate my chest from the misgendering and fetishization that prevented me from developing a positive relationship to my body.

i like my chest as-is and i derive comfort from wearing a binder when out of the house. to me, wearing a binder is wearing armor and fighting against the idea that liking my chest means i have a responsibility to allow people other than those i trust to see its unbound shape in my clothes. i like my body; i just prefer to keep more of my body private than most people, from my neck down to just below my knees, and from my shoulders to where T-shirt sleeves end.

and those prescriptivists, because I understand hormones and surgery and binding as me exerting my bodily autonomy and connecting with my body and not as me fixing a broken thing, try to tell me that I'll regret any medical change and develop dysphoria about my deep voice, my new lack of uterus, and every other change that grants me a deeper and more joyful relationship to my body.

likewise, my concerta makes me feel like I'm more able to use my ADHD traits to my advantage. i’m the driver of the bus that can't stop or it will explode, instead of a passenger that can only watch.

wrt transness and my disabilities, even when they give me pain or i decide it's a good idea make a change, it doesn't mean that i needed to be fixed or cured. a blank pillar of marble isn't broken until a sculptor comes to fix it; the sculptor shapes it into what it wants to become.

[angeltrapz]

SAW ask time 💚 wld love to hear abt chainshipping + Adam bein autistic— maybe like what Lar notices abt Adam’s stims, things he does for him/ways he helps when Adam needs it. Also for Eric/Adam, maybe any thoughts on Eric finally like.. realizing he’s got a special interest?? ik we’ve talked abt how hard he masks but bein around Adam (n Mallick) helps him relax abt that, so like maybe how does he react + what is th special interest? anything u wanna dish abt!

thank u it’s always SAW ask time in my heart <33

!!! I was just thinkin abt tht!!! our minds 💫

I think th first time he rly sees Adam stimming (i.e. flapping his hands) he’d be like “what’s that?” but not in a rude way - genuinely a tone of “I want 2 know more abt this thing, pls tell me” rather than anything anywhere near condescending/annoyed/mean-spirited like Adam has dealt w fr YEARS at this point. so he’s definitely put on edge a lil bit bc he can’t help it, maybe he starts to like wind down and force himself into quiet hands, but Lawrence is immediately like “no I wasn’t making fun of you!! u don’t have to stop doing it!��� which kinda stops Adam short like. what r we doing here. usually when ppl ask me tht they’re also telling me 2 stop. finally Lawrence says “I was just wondering what kind of stim tht was,” like he didn’t almost (accidentally) uproot Adam’s whole shit + is currently Doing So Now by using actual terms tht Adam didn’t know he knew, n so he like takes a moment to absorb tht comment n then he’s like. “oh. it means I’m happy or excited?” and honestly? when Lawrence hears tht? he’s like “oh... so then you’re rly happy? 🥺” n it’s just like. a moment fr both of them lol. (Adam feels Much safer discussing things after tht too, in several ways. it definitely helps w building trust between them!!)

after that though Lawrence definitely takes notice of more things! he’s not afraid 2 ask questions, so tht’s smth tht’s rly good fr them - Lawrence being able to seek information (he also does his own reading + research) to better understand, n not in tht shitty mommy blogger “I know yr in there somewhere” way. he doesn’t want 2 change Adam. he wants a better grasp on wht Adam’s experiences r like so he can help n minimize stress abt certain things. fr Adam tht’s definitely like.. foreign territory, bc as u’ve mentioned b4 + my personal hc as well, his parents didn’t really care 2 get him formally diagnosed + even acted like there was No Way he cld be neurodivergent in any sense, so 2 have some1 who is interested n respectful is So important 2 him. (personal hc time: I hc Adam as both adhd AND autistic like me so there’s tht!!)

so like he takes notice of th way Adam likes 2 roll things btwn his fingers (shirt sleeves, shirt hems, hoodie drawstrings, blankets, soft fabrics he likes the texture of, etc.) n is just like Oh Idea. I like 2 think he gets Adam one of those bead lanyards (like this one, which I also have!) fr him to fidget w n he kind of presents it like “I thought maybe u wld like smth like this?” n honestly he’s a lil nervous abt what Adam is going 2 say. but Adam takes it n holds it fr a minute, rolling th beads n messing w th lanyard itself 2 kind of test it, n he just looks up n smiles n he’s like “I love this. u’ve been paying tht much attention??” n fr Lawrence it’s just like “yes? of course? bc I love u?” like it’s th simplest thing in th world n Adam’s just. Huh. no he does Not tear up, if Lawrence told u tht he’s lying. he’s just Rly not used 2 ppl who want 2 know more without wanting to “get inside his head” or belittle him fr it (ties into my hc tht fr th most part, Adam hasn’t rly had any Good friends...) so it takes a lil getting used to.

another thing!! Lawrence does is ask 2 listen 2 Adam infodump abt his special interests - esp photography!! like they do this thing where if it’s not too late at night by th time Lawrence comes home frm work, Lawrence will take a quick shower n then get into his pajamas n into bed (just fr some quiet quality time b4 they go to bed, bc he still tends 2 come home a bit late), n he’ll have Adam sit next 2 him n he’ll be like “what do u want to tell me?” bc tht’s another thing tht Adam was entirely unused 2 - having ppl who didn’t just tolerate his infodumping, they wanted to hear it. Lawrence might be th first person to not actually give him shit fr it/tell him he’s being annoying/shut him down completely. again, it takes Adam a lil bit to b fully comfortable w it, but once he is he adores having tht time to be excited abt things w another person! who he knows Wants to listen!! (if we’re going th route I personally like 2 think abt sometimes too, where Lawrence is autistic as well, I feel like they infodump back n forth abt photography n medical stuff. do either of them rly know what the other is saying? not rly. are they listening happily bc that’s their partner n it’s smth they’re excited abt? oh absolutely!)

I think Adam has a tendency to eat a lot of th same foods bc they’re safe n he knows he likes them/doesn’t mind their texture (which is a big issue w trying new foods fr him), which is smth tht Lawrence also takes note of and as such, he likes 2 make sure they’re regularly stocked up on at least some of tht stuff. it’s not even smth he tells Adam he’s doing, bc it’s rly tht simple 2 him - Adam likes these things n therefore we shld have them at th house - but fr Adam it’s just One Of Those Things, y’know?? he got so much shit as a kid fr being such a “picky eater” n got shit fr it as a teenager too bc “why don’t u ever try anything new??” was smth his friends/parents Loved 2 say. it’s th fact tht Lawrence rolls w it so easily, doesn’t poke or prod for reasons he eats th way he does, and doesn’t get upset w him fr it/try 2 force him into things he isn’t comfortable w. it means a lot to him, more than he’ll ever have words 2 say (but he does always kiss Lawrence’s cheek when he gets back frm th store n he sees some of his same foods, which is just as good). it’s loving tht he’s autistic because it’s a part of him, a fact, not despite or in spite of. tht’s what’s so nice n kind of healing abt it; feeling safe 2 express yrself as u are w a partner who u know u can trust. who maybe words questions a bit funny sometimes, completely unintentionally, not out of malice (where allistic Lawrence is concerned, anyway). Adam feels Safe, n tht means a lot 2 him.

as fr ways he helps him!! a big thing is tht Lawrence is observant, esp as they spend more n more time together. a lot of th time, even when it’s just th two of them alone, Adam might have trouble maintaining eye contact fr an extended period of time, n Lawrence might not know how much it Actually helps, but he doesn’t mind tht Adam doesn’t always look at his face when they’re talking. it’s smth tht takes a little getting used 2, but he was never shitty about it w Adam. the way he sees it is if it makes Adam more comfortable, why shld he get upset abt it? it’s not like he doesn’t know when Adam’s talking 2 him anyway, or tht he can’t tell if Adam is listening; Lawrence knows both of those things, so Adam not making eye contact isn’t a problem, y’know? it’s okay. n I rly don’t know if Lawrence is fully aware of how much Adam appreciates tht.

another thing is he’s patient + understanding when Adam is nonverbal, whether it be bc he’s having a shutdown/meltdown, sensory overload, or just plain Difficulty w speech. it kinda depends on what I’m writing at th time, but I feel like Adam might have picked up at least a lil bit of sign language here n there; mostly simple phrases tht get th point across. I like 2 think Lawrence learns what they mean so he can take tht stress off of Adam’s shoulders, but most times, Adam is just comfortable sitting in silence w someone he cares abt.

OH brief thing Lawrence is RLY good at helping w pressure stims. he gives amazing bear hugs n I feel like he’d also probably let Adam lay on him if they’re on th couch/in bed. I just Feel It.

-

OHH I think abt Eric finally developing a special interest now tht he feels more comfortable w doing so a lot. honestly I kind of rly like th idea tht his special interest might be info abt rats! it kind of hits him when he catches himself writing down lil facts (tht might not even be related to pet care!) in his notebook so he’ll remember them + always being excited 2 learn more n share what he’s learned. it makes Adam SO happy to see him being comfortable w tht aspect of himself, esp now that he’s safe to explore it w ppl who understand n who won’t discourage him/belittle him for it,, Mallick too of course, but Adam knows how much Eric struggled w tht kind of thing for such a long time so he’s just. Ah. 🥺🥺

like they’ll all b chilling on th couch (Eric, Mallick, n Adam) n Eric will have his head against Adam’s shoulder while his hand is on Mallick’s chest, who has HIS head in Eric’s lap w his legs dangling off th armrest, n he’ll be like “did u know tht when rats r happy, they grind their teeth together? it’s called bruxing n then sometimes their eyes move in their sockets rly fast while they’re doing it. tht’s called boggling.” n Adam will be smiling so wide when he says he didn’t know tht but it’s rly cool!! n then Mallick will start asking questions n he n Adam just listen while Eric infodumps fr probably th very first time since he was very very young, before it was masked out of him by his parents. n he finds tht he Doesn’t feel so bad abt it anymore, not when he’s around ppl who want him to be happy and want to see him be happy - esp ppl who encourage it n let him know it isn’t smth he has to hide/keep locked away. it’s hard 2 b ashamed of himself when Adam n Mallick r looking at him w genuine interest in their eyes n so so much love.

he might still like, slip back into masking behaviour every now n then, bc it’s something he’s still dealing w n learning 2 leave behind, but after he discovers his first special interest it gets a little easier, letting go of that way of life. it was smth he was forced into by adults who didn’t actually want th best for him like they said they did when they put him through “therapy,” but w partners he knows understand n who are even autistic themselves, Eric slowly learns 2 be more comfortable w it. it’s slow, but it’s progress. bit of a learning curve. he’ll get there.

[doberbutts]

Your tags are interesting to me because I am not autistic but am neurodivergent and the large majority of men I've dated and partnered with have been somehow ND themselves and when writing romance and intimacy I almost exclusively write reference 1: myself and experiences I personally have had 2: men I have had as friends and/or partners 3: people and scenarios I find incredibly attractive.

I don't know if I would specifically call it an autistic thing because I have seen it in non-autistic neurodiverse people, but I have also seen it often enough to know it's more common than a lot of folks realize.

I also used to experience similar prior to transitioning. I never really considered my own capacity to be found attractive to someone and in fact was so used to being treated as the ugly daughter/sister that when someone would voice attraction, it would make me feel BAD and I would reject it out of hand as that person just trying to be nice about my obvious ugliness. Literally the worst way to convince baby!me to give you a chance was to say you thought I was visually pleasing because I straight up wouldn't believe you and would get incredibly suspicious about what you wanted from me. Vs now I preen and coo when dudes drool over me online and in person.

And I think I've given Panic a little of both, but a more healthy state of mind than I had when I was young. He's a tiefling that was raised surrounded by humans, and while his family came to accept him before he was old enough to remember anything different, visitors to the monastery were frequently quite frightened of him when he would walk into the room. That is, of course, why he chose to be called Panic.

So the concept of being wanted based on physical traits is a little foreign to him currently- as a traveling monk making just enough money to feed himself by punching bandits and rebuilding wells, most people regard him with a healthy amount of suspicion and keep a wide berth. He's a constant stranger and he's not a folk hero so he doesn't get Wyll's "beloved by the masses" reception when he rolls up to civilization looking for some food. He doesn't do big acts of heroism and in-game he asks the bards to please not sing about him (humility is prized by his patron) so most of his experiences with other people are one-offs.

And also some of it's just Panic himself. He's never thought too hard about pursuing romantic relationships and doesn't even know what gender(s) he likes, Astarion's the first to really tempt him and he's still not sure if he wants to move forward with that or how he wants to respond to the offer. In-game they did have sex but that's mostly bc I wanted the approval points lmao it's fade to black after he gets bit and for whatever reason Astarion never took off his pants even tho Panic did. So for all I know they did a little bit of heavy petting and dry humping and decided to call it there. Which I think would be more accurate for Panic considering, again, his high insight modifier let's him see through the front and I don't think he'd be comfortable pushing for more than that as a result.

So Astarion comes up to him in camp all flirting and eyelash batting and Panic's like uhhh OK. Logically I know you are actively flirting with me. And I suppose the compliment is appreciated. The other night was pretty fun. But A: how do I even respond to this and B: it doesn't really seem like you want it and you not wanting it kills what interest I have in continuing. So instead I'm going to give you a mildly confused look and say Some Monk Bullshit about balance and discipline and give your shoulder a squeeze before going back to what I was doing.

And in the mean time Astarion's like "?????? That usually works what the fuck??? Tf you mean???? Hello??? I'm super hot and you're supposed to be drooling over me wym good morning Astarion the petals of the flowers give praise to the sun today??? I didn't fuck you to have a discussion about mental peace achieved through perfecting your breathing I did it because you're supposed to be seduced by me???"

can i be thirsty for panic in ur inbox

You can. Panic's reaction would be sort of bemused. He's not used to being the center of attention

[bipirate]

Hard agree about the lack of JYL in the book, she was clearly there as a plot device and not a character on her own right! CQL has less time to tell the story, but they still decided that they’ll try to use it to give more screen time to women but Mianmian’s role totally deserved to be developed more. And LWJ + wlw, too, so, so much!! Young LWJ’s arc in CQL was all about that terrible gay loneliness you feel when you are born in a homophobic, conservative family and society so you think you’ll1

never find someone to love and worse that even if you do, you’ll never be able to even tell them to say nothing of living with them (and LWJ has the issue of his social position as a heir) My heart really ached for him to get at least a single LGBT friend during his teens or when WWX was dead. I still get flashbacks of that drunk scene where he says that he’ll never get married anyway with that terribly raw, hurt but resigned face, and then how full of hope he’s meeting XXC and SL and realizing there is a way for him to be happy in the future in that society and how crestfallen he’s after their death to the point of drinking alcohol of his own will. 

Even with censorship, CQL was still closer to my wlw experience than MDZS lol. That epilogue too is like 100% proof that MXTX isn’t LGBT like some fans try to claim! Small children don’t get scarred of and react with hostility to gay people kissing bc they were still not taught by society that gay people are Bad and Weird bc this is a learned attitude, but for MXTX, homophobia is apparently some kind of natural instinct that even human babies are born with, and ofc she had to have a scene framing gay people’s existence as disgusting and shocking and not in a positive way like idk LQY’s daughter asking her why 2 men are kissing and LQY answering that it’s bc they love and care for each other. Never got what kind of kick danmei or BL authors were getting out of subjecting their gay characters to gratuitous homophobic abuse.

god i have so many feelings about teenage lwj... while i don’t know if lwj’s family/the cloud recesses are in fact conservative or homophobic, it’s clear that he doesn’t feel comfortable exactly and struggles with being lonely and isolated. i don’t think he has internalized homophobia like i’ve read in some fics, i think he just mostly struggles with connecting to other people, whether it’s because of his sexuality or being neurodivergent or both (or him being trans.... because i think he’s trans...). i just love him very much and i think it would have been great if someone like mianmian could have been his friend during that time. he also clearly struggles with his feelings for wwx during this time and although i don’t think he would talk about that a lot, having a friend who understands him would have been very good for him i think. 

and i love the idea of him growing more into himself and becoming someone other people can lean on, especially during wwx’s death. the idea of lwj travelling and meeting other people like him and forming a community around him that he can depend on but also lend his support to is so fucking good to me. just imagine him talking to an older gay man about losing the love of his life. helping a young lesbian disciple write a song for her first crush. advising a young trans boy through the first steps of transitioning. perhaps even organizing small community events. continuing to do all these things post-canon with wwx by his side and introducing wwx to all the struggling bi kids. perhaps even... meeting song lan on the road again - perhaps they are now a step closer to repairing xxc’s spirit? now that’s better material for a post-canon epilogue than mxtx could have ever come up with! none of that weird homophobia here, just love and healing