#and i didnt really feel like fixing it so too bad
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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing
#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls#everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning#worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about#liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever#now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like#like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways#at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking#im kinda assuming the second one#like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding#i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk#point is im hurt and need a drink#she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit#i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block#i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time#honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all#im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does#she probably didnt even care about my side of the story#why would she#honestly she always did most of the talking#i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess#like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao
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Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart
#summer camp tag#ace is a mess#i do not have a drivers license and i havent even been behind the wheel in like 4 years since i stopped lessons cus of the pandemic#the day was going fine i got loads done didnt feel like i was irritating my director too bad#doing some paperwork for her and she says when im done well take the golf cart out while its not currently raining#im like ooh fun never been in a golf cart before i see the higher up staff in them im not gonna say no to chilling in a golf cart#i did not realise that meant i would be driving esp when she asked if id been in one before and i said no#she then asked if i could drive and i said not really thought that would be it#cus i was supposed to be studying for my theory before working towards my practical#but no she insists im driving and first off i gotta reverse outta this bay now at least i didnt have to think about gears#but i hate tryna figure out how to turn whilst in reverse in mess with my brain im not great with shape visualisation#we do all our stops its fine for the most part a lil too fast going down some of the hills#and some tight turns but my turns were always like that cus im too busy focusing on the most immediate thing#we get back i park fine and then shes like oh actually there are some more stops we can make so i reverse and turn back out#do our two stops with only minimal confusion about direction then as i go to park into the bay we came from#shes like oh actually park in the bay closest to the health centre and what i should have done was reversed and adjusted my angle#instead i drove directly into the supporting beam separating the two bays 🙃😭#i immediately turn the cart off and expect her to switch with me instead shes like laughing it off oh it was just a little bump it was fine#im like it was not that was a loud ass bang i feel so bad and then she lifts up the light cover i broke off saying its just a scratch#and i feel worse so pf course thats when the camp director comes out to check on the noise and i dont think ive ever worn a guiltier look#but theyre both laughing it off oh just having a little driving lesson :) and i am mortified#she gets back in the cart and shes still insisting that its fine and i should still park after that which i do with great trepidation#but there are no more problems and the lights still work but the cover does need fixing and i just oh my god#ive never crashed before never clipped or scratched a car so of course id crash the golf cart trying to park of all things 😭
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Had a conversation last night with someone about the two times I've ever dated and I realized that when it comes to the first guy in middle school who came out as gay after like two weeks, he was probably using me as a beard cuz at one point he called me with his mom and had me tell her we were dating but cuz of anxiety it took several minutes for me to actually say it but that was likely him trying to convince her like "Hey I've got a girlfriend, see I can't be gay!" and like, homophobia from his mom aside, that's really fucking funny that I was a beard without knowing it and like six years later I ended up being a gay guy myself.
#he ended up having to move schools cuz i guess his mom thought that would fix the whole gay thing but it obviously didnt and that like.#sucks that his moms a scumbag and idk what#kinda conversation they had going on between him breaking up with me and him moving schools but like. man i feel bad for him#i met him again years later and he smoked a cigarette in the creek then left the butt in the water DESPITE THAT VERY MUCH NOT BEING A COOL#THING TO DO. so like. turns out hes not a great guy actually. i at least hope his moms not in his life if she still sucks.#personal#btw no im not hurt at all if he really was JUST using me as a beard. which is highly likely. nobody feel bad for me please lmao#and looking back on it. my only date with him was at his church so that lines up too. idk what he was probably catholic or christian
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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bonding with coworkers by complaining about the hotbar is my favorite daily work activity
#the hotbar is so busted its the worst selling part of the store and theyre trying to fix it but. theyre doing it badly#i feel bad for the kitchen but they really put out a 'gourmet' mac n cheese bar#where all of the mac n cheeses look exactly the same and theyre all just noodles w no mix ins or topping#it genuinely looks so bland and pathetic. and then they also put brown rice and roasted potatoes out there. on the mac n cheese bar#the hotbar is expensive too its like $12/lb i would never eat it if i didnt get a 50% discount#heinous. no one can talk sense into the food service manager either
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#oaghhh diamox has me feeling really sick its the worst#i cant get outta bed i cant eat i cant do Anything ! just in pain and laying n bed#still have no idea why they have me back on these meds bc its making things So much worse :(#but unfortunately doctors even neurlogists only focus on weightloss and diamox already made me lose almost 100 pounds i feel SICK#felt healthier when i didnt lose that weight i am being 100% honest here. i hate diamox so fuckig much#frank.txt#also makes my body pain so much worse idk i just hate this brain thing#im thinking of just . stopping the meds even tho my neurologist says not to bc like even he says theyr not making a difference!!!#but he wants me on them so he can compliment my body shrinking every god damn appointment and remind me of how sick i am and feel#eugh#again . diamox doesnt impact my veins and im having an issue w veins in my neck and brain#bc of that im dealing w some pain. they fix that by putting in a stent but instead they just rlly want to like#see How Much Frankie Can Shrink#and ignore the fact that alll they can do is sleep bc theyr shrinking too much#fatphobia m#at least i gain back the weight and feel a million times better when im off tbe meds but still i hate it so bad#they even notice that i feel better after regaining the weight i lost and my optic nerves r no longer Damaged but like#idk .#its just Frustrating ! chronic illness moment
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also i went to the dentist today and they were nice especially the lady that did the cleaning!!! she was so sweet!! and she also said that my teeth are fine and nice so now i can tell myself to calm tf down and not be traumatized and dont imagine that i have the worst teeth in the world like i always do
#you know those stress dreams that go all out and its like your teeth breaking or falling out#everytime i have one i wake up and think its gonna be real#or whenever i have something super sour or a combo of like lemon + cola and it makes my teeth hurt i always think the world is ending#but it goes away in a day#they fixed my problem tooth so#now i cant sing 100 gecs tooth removed song to myself anymore...😔 /j#also i had a bad spot on one tooth but i got it cleaned and its gone??? i 100% believed that shit would have to be drilled#like it was just surface buildup or something and now its just Gone. also got some leftover glue from my retainer apparently#and i had it cleaned off too and its so weird cause i used to feel it with my tongue for the past.8 years? maybe more idk when it broke off#they didnt get it off last time but i didnt really mind it but now its nice
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#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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mmmmmm two sketchbook linebecks im pretty happy with
#as much as i love his coat it is very hard to draw. so no coat. or. shirt#my art#loz#legend of zelda#phantom hourglass#linebeck#tossing in my own rendition of shirtless linebeck. woe underweight linebeck be upon ye#i find that i draw heads too small. i have learned that#SERIOUSLY what the fuck happened i dont. im not an artist but these turned out so well and then what i drew after wasnt this good#did some like. artistic spirit pass through me long enough for me to draw these or something#his hair is a fucking mess but its fun that way#like the thing is these are good! thats not what i think linebeck’s face looks like tho#tbh in general he’s fucked he’s so difficult to draw. i have no idea how these two turned out do well but they did#the vibes are off and i am not skilled enough to fix it#but im happy with these#linebeck is doing so fucking bad in ph i bet. he doesnt notice the curse of the ocean king temple at first bc hes used to feeling godawful#that side profile looks GOOD i wish it looked more like how i imagine linebeck to look but it gets the idea down#SHOUTOUT TO VIKTOR ARCANE FOR BEING A REALLY GOOD FACE SHAPE REFERENCE FOR LINEBECK#second pic is a redemption. i have an older shirtless linebeck pic that i used myself as body reference for but it didnt turn out well#hence the viktor shoutout. in the first pic i fucked up his face but this time used viktor as reference and it worked
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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rare (actually very common) james vulnerability post um im kind of hating having bpd right now. i reeeeally really hate how the smallest thing completely sets me off and i HATE gettinf close to people and then having to hit them with the “btw if i get even the slightest feeling you dont like me or that im being replaced i absolutely will not confront it directly and will instead opt to just never ever speak again and be mad for 6 months straight” and its cost me a lot of close friendships! i’m in therapy and i am on medication and i have been for months but for some reason it’s just ??? not working??? i dunno but im feeling very Not great tonite james nation 💔 sighs soo hard and goes back to drawing star trek yuri
#jamesdottxt#i jsut want to be normal tbh#its so embarrassing#getting close to people and then realizing its Too close#and suddenly your entire day revolves around how theyre feeling/what theyre doing#i really wish that i didnt have to be like This#because once i get mean and i start freaking out people tend to drift away and find other people#and its like Oh i really am the problem#but whats the point of recognizing youre the problem when… youre the problem lol like im not purposefully staying like this#and im trying to get better#but at what point does it start being pathetic#i hate freaking out over the smallest shit#and losing sleep because of overthinking#ive fallen out with um. Both of my favorite persons in the past few months#one of them was lowkey a predator and the other one. man idk what the other one even did#he didnt do anything#i jsut kind of sucked i think#but yeah . being fp-less and only having a very select few friends is FREAKIN ME OUT!!!!!#you’re nice to me? I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW! AHA!#embarrassingggg….#but um real talk i would so love to be able to maintain relationships properly without fucking it up so bad because of my outbursts#sighs so hard. the only thing that can fix this is drawing self insert x hughie campbell yuri#back to the coal mines (drawing program) i go#ant with bindle image#bpd#tw vent#personal vent#rare james vulnerability post#vent
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ok ive finished the dlc so now i can properly say my least favourite thing about dragon age awakening is that the women feel like an afterthought & don't fit in the group at all. & i want to care about them & their banter so much. but i really don't because the game is giving me fucking nothing
#dragonageposting#IM SO FUCKING UPSET ABOUT THIS. i was thinking abt it so hard last night.#(crying) please join my polycule why wont you fit in my polycule videogame why didnt you let the women fit in my polycule#it doesnt help that anders & oghren's banter w them is insufferable. especially oghren#sigrun is SUCH a sweetheart & i adore her i really do but her & velanna are just so... lacking compared to everyone else#& it's by design! & i fucking hate that it is!#did i fuck up something? did i miss quests that would've made them better? even then i don't know if it would fix the issue#with oghren you already know him beforehand hes got a whole plotline & everything in origins so its like. it fits within the plot#anders shows up at the centre of the main plotline. at the start too. he integrates himself as part of the group very easily bc of that#nathaniel also has very good reason to be there! you killed his father! he hates your guts but hes not a bad person! he has depth!#he is given the opportunity to fit in a group whose leader he comes in loathing#justice would be part of the 'you're making it hard for me to care abt this character' group if i didnt know abt him showing up in da2 prob#but even then his quest just. felt longer. he was given more to do than both velanna & sigrun#not only that but hes a spirit possessing a corpse which makes his deal very unique#i was elated to meet sigrun bc i love the legion of the dead but they just. didn't give her much.#& the whole thing w velanna wrt seranni is like;.. barely touched on. i was so disappointed the quest was so short#the women are just given nothing compared to the men & i fucking hate it i wanna care about them so bad. i want to care. so bad.#they didnt even allow me to have either of them do their joining like??? what?? it mightve been a glitched thing or w/e but??#i was just forced into the climax of the game without either of them doing their joining. and it fucking sucked#idk the later parts of awakening feel rushed. like they didnt plan to actually wrap it up & had to do it hastily.#the beginning was so interesting & i was genuinely having such a good time but by the end of it i was just tired#we barely got anything on the architect i was also hyped for him but then it was kind of nothing.
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its been really hard lately
#i miss my ex best friend. i dont ever cry and i cried again tonight#i wishb i knew what to do to fix everything because now i know how to act. this all changed me for the better ibe stopped doing so many#bad thinfs since than. but the pain is still here :(#negative /#delete later#im so lonely because i have friends bur i dont feel like i have any connections or anyone who either has the time to talk to me#enough or that i really want to talk to anymore. i just feel like everyones living rheir adult lives and are too busy and im still stuck in#no one i know doesnt work or doesnt go to school but me i just feel like im alone in the universe again snd wasting my life#when i had him i didnt feel like yhay i felt like i wasnr just a nothing loser. but i chose to give it up because of my selfish#impulsive choices. i wish i could shake past me and scream at her to tell her to cherish the friendships shes had at so manynpoints in our#life and nor destroy them because theyre not ''perfect''#theres nothing to gain by being so self pitying. it doesnt get you anythung
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apologies are hard and can be embarassing
but life is too short to let your grandma go to bed sad
#it wasnt a big bad deal#but i didnt listen and projected my guilt#i wanted to be angry and annoyed#but whats the point#is it really that important to feel right when youre actually wrong#to feel mighty bc youre less emotional than another person#its hard to swallow that pride and to admit you were wrong#but you never know if this moment is the last with that person#and putting in that perspective it makes it easy to say youre sorry#i sometimes forget this#something i learned very young after fighting with my mom and upon reflection realized i was wrong the whole time#ive always had this ability since then to swallow my pride almost immediately and jump straight to fixing what i did wrong#but then long story short i lost that ability when i learned the word 'no' for myself#i stopped paying attention and focused on only me#and sometimes i forget that this is not who i want to be. i forget to work on myself#im glad that i made myself apologize and im glad that i made sure i didnt apologize weakly#none of that 'im sorry you feel that way'#but id like to work on avoiding this all together. and thats hard for me. because it requires me to be aware like i used to#which for me is PTSD related. but i dont want to be on my deathbed recalling all the pointless times i doubled down#taking up time that could have been happy#people say its easy to be kind and it is but sometimes when youre guilty it feels good to give into your frustrations and get defensive#again nothing bad happened. i just told her i wanted to do the dishes. she was currently washing some and because of guilt#of my perception of what shes able to do i doubled down on me doing them instead of her even though she assured me she was able#i thought she was lying to me and she got upset. no yelling just not allowing her to do what little shes able#and not trusting her at her word. to be fair she does lie and will admit that she has- when doing things when i feel sick#even when i tell her that id rather choose what im able to do instead of her assuming. which is exactly what i did#me being a hypocrit. so yeah. not a great feeling on multiple levels of this scenario#but truly i need to remember to focus on what matters and that is just taking someones word for it while making sure they know they can#freely tell their feelings. meaning if shes doing the dishes and she says shes fine. let it be. and make sure she absolutely knows that when#i say im fine that i too am telling the truth
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just waffling about my day im being personal ignore me
dear diary (kinda public online space that 21 people have made the unfortunate choice of following but its not a direct person so interacting and being vulnerable does not activate my Instant Dissociation Response) today is a day . i am going to have a challenging conversation i fell asleep thinking about but im slowly figuring my life out :) minor inconveniences keep happening in adjusting to. honestly yeah it is a move. Adjusting To The Move . like i havent had sheets at all, just an old blanket and a mattress. and have run the dryer 6 times on my own blankets and it finally dried but my brothers friend was over so she got them instead so i have to restart the cycle. and none of the foods im used to are here. and i dont have as much privacy even tho it was minimal before (actually. lie. im less alone but i have more private spaces which means a lot more) and i miss my susan and scooby. and the first few days fucked up my carefully cultivated sleep schedule bc alarms went off from 3:30-5:30 and nobody else wakes up to them. but my grandpa may be coming home from the hospital this weekend! and i Feel like i cant draw anymore and i lost that part of myself but i think if i keep trying ill find it. and today if i can schedule it around visiting my grandpa and doing copious amounts of laundry . i will be able to call with a few of my friends and play games ive been excited for all week :-) i am happy this morning i think
#clearly im very unstable. i didnt know that at all. tjought ive been the most stable ive ever been#but thats fine and the world keeps turning and this too shall pass and i think im just gonna talk on here more bc it helps me. stay aware of#life if that makes sense. unfortunately a recent trauma(?) response i discovered that prompted the move was that. for as long as i can remem#ber. venting to someone immediately leads me to wanting to give them a happy ending. not even consciously. my brain blocks off the things#that were bothering me so i can crack jokes and feel like everythings fixed. but then it comes right back eventually#which. kinda sucks. but also to spare ppl how erratic i think ive always been around ventnh im just. shoving this out here#which SHOULD make me feel bad bc a core component of my ethos is to be impersonal in public and i really dont like seeing even tiny 'public#figures' being so brazen about their mental health and life in objectively public spaces#but i think this is the first step to healing and its still. tiny. this thing is still next to nothing. and ill certainly be hiding all the#'meat' of the info like so#at least going forwards#i do feel bad about the few times i certainly just threw open bad vibes on ppls tls#condolences#anyways
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