#and honestly I feel a little better now
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I might be manic
#satt speaks#genuinely can't tell because I feel normal other than the insane urge to delete myself off of the entire internet.#Like I'm even debating deleting my art blog#Idek why I just. Suddenly had a realization that we try too hard to be some kind of ''influencer'' and#want so bad to be a known name on the Internet#but suddenly I hate it#so I've deleted all my social medias and spam left discord servers I don't talk in#and honestly I feel a little better now#ryans gonna front and be like ''wtf happened to all of our social medias'' LMAO
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the thing about eliot spencer as a character, right. the thing about him.
(and as always your mileage may vary on my analyses so if we disagree that's cool actually)
is that he is in fact a somewhat emotionally constipated idiot who is occasionally sensitive about his perceived masculinity and gets defensive about emotional intimacy around other men (largely hardison, who's much more comfortable expressing affection and embracing a softer kind of masculinity), but eliot displays enough emotional awareness and sensitivity and respect for women etc etc that anyone who's been subjected to that era of television will put on rose-tinted glasses without even looking twice.
(and he is, don't get me wrong, incredibly emotionally aware for a professionally punchy guy with enough trauma to sink the titanic. it still startles me to see.)
on top of which we have the layers and the accessories and the excellent hair with the secret braids and the way he barely has an ego and he's good with kids and protective of his team without taking it too far, and some of us never stood a fucking chance.
#eliot#eliot spencer#orig#further discussion in further tags#I'm being perhaps a little critical and there are other ways to read eg the fragile masculinity moments#but I Do think they were intended this way and largely come across this way#I'm quite happy playing with a fanon eliot who's better at this shit is the thing? it feels faithful enough to the original.#but this is something I'm chewing over in a rewatch and it's interesting so far#the fact that he pretty consistently respects women doesn't stop him from treating men and women differently y'know?#the fact that his bantering with hardison expresses affection and gets quite soft over time#doesn't stop him from pushing hardison away on a semi-regular basis. often physically.#the fact that the fandom unanimously decided he's an utter gentleman in matters of dating#doesn't quite negate the time he physically stopped aimee from getting away when he wanted to talk to her#though that's one I might disregard because it's so early and I think they hadn't quite figured out the characters then#and it was admittedly a brief moment followed by very consensual happenings#perhaps. honestly. eliot may be reflecting the attitudes of the show here.#which were very progressive for the time and are still startling on several fronts now but also showing definite signs of age#arguably fanon eliot (as I understand him) is eliot adjusted for inflation. as it were.#there's a lot going on here I'm having a normal amount of thoughts about it I'm. stopping now
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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God what even do I do with this chapter 😭 but here are some of my thoughts.
SPOILERS FOR CH. 268
- what the fuck
-“Maybe it’s time to try living for someone else” okay the itafushi shippers really won with that one, I can’t lie. But at the same time it feels like Megumi’s always been living his life for someone else specifically Tsumiki. so it kind of feels like the stronger message would have been to decide to live for himself? Kind of how yuuji’s journey went from finding this greater purpose to live and fight to simply just living is okay as well. But that’s just me. Im interested in hearing other people’s take on the situation
- this is from last chapter but I so really like the parallel of yuuji in this fight for his life with Sukuna and Mahito and being so weighed down by everything that he has lost and everything he is still trying to save and then Kugasaki hits that resonance and Yuuji sees that he’s not alone and god something about it always being Nobara and her insanity breaking him from that sorrow and giving him that last push to fight like he's not alone.
- also I do think seeing Nobara’s resonance after having to be the one to break it to itadori that she wasn’t recovering, really solidified that there where things still worth living for.
- I don’t know something about Sukuna finally after all these chapters acknowledging itadori by finally saying his name is so very Sukuna off him. It’s like the inverse of him going into Jogo’s flashing life and telling him he’s strong. This time he’s the one dying and he’s finally acknowledging the boy that killed him. Say what you want about Sukuna but he ain’t no sore fucking loser.
- God how fucking Yuuji Itadori of the whole thing to after everything all the terror and the torture and the pain to still offer Sukuna a chance to live and live better. A chance to not be a slave to his nature to this curse in their blood. God Yuuji what do I even do with you.
- okay so not even a fucking frame of the Hakari/Uraume showdown. Really 😭😭. It looked like things were happening too. With that final parting it looked like they’d reached some kind of understanding and not even a fucking frame. Gege the way your mind works.
- really not even one punch? Not even one gambling shot. I’d have payed good fucking money to see Hakari explaining how a pachinko machine works to a 1000 year old curse servant.
- the little “you’re just lucky is the best compliment for a guy like me” and the “yeah I guess it is” was a great exchange tho. Which is is why I wonder. Really not one fucking frame😭. I wonder if mappa will just ignore this and give them a fight scene anyway like they elongated the Sukuna vs Mahagora fight.
- and now finally, some good fucking food.
- Gojo’s little I killed your daddy note is so funny. What the fuck is wrong with him
- again. What the fuck.
- Nobara being as rude as fucking always god I love her. She is taking no prisoners. Fuck you mean you aren’t weeping at her feet at her return.
-Them trying to do the whole box suprise for Megumi and him catching them in the act is so stupid I actually can’t 😭. They really only have one braincell
- Nobara not giving a single fuck about her mom like what. Also what did she mean by “Special grade authority”
- crazy that they all got face scars now. They’re a matching set.
- I wonder what Yuuji’s talk with gojo was. I wonder what parental figure gojo exposed for him.
- I dunno this chapter making me feel like he might come back. Gojo Satoru just might make a come back.
- I’m glad that atleast after everything it’s gunna end with the three of them. Maybe a little damaged and worse for wear but together and that counts for something.
-lastly…..what the fuck m.
#I’m glad he gave them this#yuuji itadori#god in the middle of writing this the bus is been waiting for for half an hour slipped over my stop and#I’ve never actually been so angry in my life I literally had to draft this and cool down.#but yeah here we are#crazy only 2/3 more chapters left#after everything sukuna’s defeat just feels a bit anticlamatic which honestly works for the themes of the series#honestly this whole saga will probably translate better in animation but yeah#it’s not perfect but what is it was good enough for me. I had a good time and that fine in my book#but yeah I’m also just left wondering what’s the curse situation like now#like the death of sukuna wouldn’t have stopped it infact everything leading up to it will probably have made it worse#it hurts my head a little the idea that they can’t even really rest after all this there’s still so much left to do still curses to kill#and honestly real#but yeah good chapter#throwing thoughts to the void#jjk meta#jjk spoilers#jjk ch 268#itafushi#itafushikugi#favorite trouple for real#kugisaki nobara#fushiguro megumi#itadori yuuji#sukuna jjk#hakari kinji#jjk gojo#gojo saturo#jujutsu kaisen#jjk manga leaks
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⚙️ Kirbtober 2024 Day 24: Another Dimension ⚙️
(ID: Kirby series fanart of two Sphere Doomers - one regular form, one EX form, both magenta with two tail feathers - fighting over an Energy Sphere sparkling brightly between them, their wings spread in intimidation and shedding feathers around them. END ID.)
Previous Day | Next Day | Prompt List (made by @/paintpanic)
Started on 10/05/24, finished on 10/06/24. | Kirbtober 2023 Comp
#veins art#veins fanart#kirby series#kirby#sphere doomer#sphere doomer ex#energy sphere#kirby’s return to dream land#kirby’s return to dream land deluxe#kirbtober#kirbtober 2024#day 24#another dimension#paintpanic#space borbs#honestly I’d probably eat the sphere too#then again that could just be the fatigue talking#(cha'boy had a real struggle with this one)#(was really feeling the art block at the time of making it)#(doing much better now tho thankfully - just wondering if I coulda done better if I'd given it more time...)#(ah well. the next ones hopefully get a little better in quality. we learn and we move on.)#veinsfullofstars
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Iwaizumi doesn't know what to think when he finds his boyfriend in the entry way of their apartment, soaked from head to toe and clutching his jacket to his chest.
"I'm home." Suga says with a sheepish grin while he clumsily tries to get his shoes off without using his hands.
“You’re soaked,” Iwaizumi frowns, pushing his wet bangs back out of his face and eyeing the barely noticeable trembling of his shoulders. “Why aren’t you-”
Suga’s jacket meows.
Suga frowns down at the jacket in his arms. “You were supposed to let me do the talking first.” He says lightheartedly, his words are met with another slightly more indignant meow.
“Koushi, we talked about this.” Iwaizumi says.
“It’s raining, Hajime. The poor thing was soaked, I couldn’t just leave her out there.” Suga says, his tone soft. “Can we just keep her here for tonight? Until it stops raining? And then I’ll take her to the shelter.”
Iwaizumi wants to stand firm but his resolve slowly melts away when he looks at the cat again. She’s shivering just as much as Suga, the now soaked jacket likely not helping her keep warm. She’s nuzzling into his chest in search of warmth and it tugs at Iwaizumi’s heartstrings.
He glances back at the door to the balcony. Still raining.
“Okay,” Iwaizumi relents. “She can stay for tonight. Until it stops raining.”
He has a nagging feeling that ‘for tonight’ is going to turn into indefinitely but the pure joy lighting up Suga’s face distracts him from this fleeting thought.
“Yeah, yeah. You need to get out of those clothes.” Iwaizumi reaches out to take the cat from Suga’s arms. She's oddly compliant for a stray. “I’ll dry her off and get her some food and water. I think we have some canned tuna in the cabinet.”
“Ooh,” Suga whistles, gently depositing the little tabby into Iwaizumi’s open arms. “You hear that, baby? He’s spoiling you.” He coos.
“It’s the only thing we have,” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, readjusting his grip once he has the cat safely in his arms. She nuzzles into the newfound warmth immediately.
#hi have this snippet from my drafts that was meant to be part of a longer fic but. im probably just gonna do it in little snippets now#iwaizumi and the cat he didn't want#<- tag for this saga#iwasuga#there was honestly more for this Initial night i wanted to write but i think i like it better like this? short and sweet...#even if it sort of feels incomplete? idk.#anyway stay tuned i will write more scenes for this. maybe#there is a Timeline here. of iwa warming up to the cat and loving her with all his heart#this cat is still unnamed i need to name her
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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I think everyone needs to come together and congratulate DBK (and the rest of the Demon Bull family) for being the only ones to just give up. They DID quit while they were ahead. It's the only reason they're still alive.
#honestly they'd be dead like Spider Queen LBD (if she IS dead) and Azure Lion if they hadn't lol#LIKE. GIRL THEY SAVED THEMSELVES FROM THE NARRATIVE#HOW DID THEY DO THAT#The answer is they stopped trying to live past the end of their myth. They accepted the world as is.#And they run man. They run and after they failed a second time they just like#Went back to their house and stopped#which is really based of them.#Now they eat popsicles on the beach with Wukong and Co! Objectively better outcome#more antagonists should learn from them if they want to stay alive (yellowtusk) (maybe peng but I have a feeling no)#(peng out here with his ''The world could use a little chaos!'' bullshit. Okay. You said the c-word dude that's not good)#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkie kid#lmk rant#imp tag
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why are so few people getting the creeps from dexter??? that man was a danger to the community AS dexter? like everybody knows this man pretty much, and hes constantly having passing conversations and waving literally looking like “🙂” PLUS HES GINGER?? bro im literally avoiding him AT ALL costs tf hes out to get SOMEBODY with a face like that
#i also started season two last night#eight episodes in now but thats beside the point#is debra in love with dexter be honest w me and dont give me that bullshit#because why the fuck is she still in his apartment#whys she like this is more what i mean honestly#dexter#dexter morgan#dexter showtime#because i feel like shes BEEN an issue actually and i just didnt notice#dexter should have picked a better burial site btw like go further out bitch#dexter and doakes also should kiss idk doakes had a crush on him a little in the beginning idc
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Thinking that part of the reason why "love yourself, you are beautiful, adore yourself" falls completely flat on me is because I can't do anything with abstract instructions and it simply means nothing to me. But very funny is that I'm accidentally getting there anyway by entirely unconventional means (mind animal)
Love yourself: okay. How? What does that mean? How can I love something I have no particular feelings for? It just is. How do I have feelings on purpose? How do I make myself care? Am I supposed to pretend to have feelings I don't until it's real? I end up not doing this because it doesn't feel like an actual thing I can do
Dæmonism, apparently: okay, so imagine the other half of your mind voice, the one you bounce your inner dialogue off, as a person. Name them, find out what they're like, and now their opinions hold more weight. What do they want you to do? Would that benefit you? Is it possible that this part of you knows how to take care of you? Imagine them as a companion of your own, that is always with you wherever you go. Isn't it nice to be in your own company sometimes? You can represent them visually through an animal. There are many ways to determine what animal would fit. You see qualities of yourself in this animal, don't you think this is a creature worth of admiration, respect and love? Then why wouldn't you be? Build a relationship with this part of you, make a way of living with them, grant them kindness and feel love for them. But remember! They are you and you are them! OOPS you've been tricked into caring for yourself and holding yourself to a higher esteem!
#bien rambles#daemonism#dæmonism#I post this knowing I have a ten person audience for these personal posts at most. please do not be weird to me#anyway there are many mental practices that can help make people feel better in their own minds in many ways#this is just one that helped me in a particular way#and I wasn't expecting it. I just wanted a little mind beast. and now I do. and it's great#I never did well with abstract instructions honestly. this should come as no surprise to me
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If there is one thing Helaena does not get enough credit for in this fandom it’s the fact that she absolutely does not give a shit about anyone or their drama.
Obviously she loves her family and everything, but Ewan Mitchell and Tom Glynn-Carney said it right in their interview, that you absolutely should not put her as your emergency contact.
Father dead and I’m now responsible for co-running a kingdom? Doesn’t matter, I don’t know where Aegon is and you guys aren’t listening to my prophecy. Father gives a big emotional monologue about the family needing to love each other? Okay, well I have something else I’m focusing on right now, if that’s okay. Everyone battling it out for Driftmark? I’m bored out of my mind until Daemon beheads someone. She just does not care.
#and i honestly feel like that’s a good representation of how autism can manifest#you’re lost in your own world and hyperfixations and everything else can sometimes just be a “how long till i can get back to my thing?”#on that note i love the little details like her slouching over during the dinner#shows that everyone involved cares about this representation#now if only they’d done it better for larys#helaena targaryen#house of the dragon
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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡
So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.
At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.
Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.
I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.
So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.
If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.
#spotatalk#i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like#quick summary is#Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i#<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair#Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed#Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay#<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation#and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy#-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it#Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky#Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied#-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard#oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care#<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward#Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away#<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a#little bit funny 🙏
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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?
I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.
#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL#I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare#But yeah my little Ellie#And she never fuckin existed#I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking#“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING#idk man it's insane#From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly#And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream#A very very real one#For the record I don't think Ellie had a father#I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned#Might have been IVF now I think about it#That would make more sense#dream#weird dreams#Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief#one time i dreamt#Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense#The most dream of all time#Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah
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trying to move more of my activity to my bluesky, for anyone that wants to see more of my other stuff i post occasionaly, like costume/fursuit wips and some drawings that dont make it to tumblr (and some yapping)
#tbh honestly to be honest - the more follows i get there the more likely i will use it. i havent been using bsky because nobody was there#now more people are coming so im trying to build it up a bit more. its a shame to just throw away my twit so i will keep that acc too#i will either lock it or just keep it as is as an archive unless it magically gets better (least likely)#this tumblr is more of everything while my twit/bsky are more furry adjacent if anything so#if thats not your thing then carry on 🫡#it still feels quite empty and not as homey as my twit was because of the fandoms and circles. it really broke apart#i gotta follow more ppl too and interact more to get it back a little bit....
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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Lowkey hyperfixating now and I’ve come to the devastating conclusion that Jacob the main character of Water For Elephants… doesn’t really have a character arc
#or like#flaws#which is#bad?#like oh no that’s why every other character feels so much more 3 dimensional than him oops#so that puts a damper on my general opinion of the show#like oh no the book is missing the arc for its main character#I do wonder now if he had more of an arc in the book or the movie#but like#oh no the main character doesn’t have any character flaws#and like all the other characters are great marlena and august and fantastic#jacob is. a guy. he’s polish and he’s a vet and he’s sad. though honestly the sadness could have been more integrated into his character#like all the other characters got arcs at least a little#but jacob doesn’t really change throughout the story#which makes sense as to my thoughts yesterday that his and August’s relationship was under developed partially bc we really didn’t get#enough time seeing august actually coming to like jacob before he decides they’re besties nowbut also bc jacob is not very developed#in general#no actually he does have one flaw I can think of and that’s being Really Bad at pretending he and Marlena are not totally in love with each#other but that’s not like something he has to overcome it just kind of makes him look stupid cause the goal is not ‘get better at hiding#his feelings’ It’s ultimately ‘get away from august’ which like maybe that gets in the way of it but he doesn’t ever overcome his kinda#stupidity bc it’s not actually that plot relevant it just makes him seem annoying when he does that#I think I was too harsh in my opinion of grant gustin as jacob bc I’ve now realized it’s also the book’s fault#I’m hyperfixating and whenever I see a show I always have a lot of thoughts and now I’m hyperfixating in said show#still absolutely incredible though it’s definitely a new favorite but that part could be better#water for elephants#w4e#water for elephants musical#the heir speaks
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